Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Secret 1: Stop abandoning yourself Secret 2: Stop equating fusion and investment with love (co-dependency) Secret 3: Stop cutting off from others and abandoning others
@@jerrywise Would you consider adding a clarification in the description box for this video of what you mean by not cutting people off (or even editing and reposting the videot)? I see in some replies on this page that you've commented that you DO think going no contact with people is the right thing to do sometimes, but I got the opposite impression from the wording in the video. Words are powerful, especially coming from experts, and I can see how someone might stay in something very bad for them (or just not their preference) based on this advice. Thank you.
As someone who had this issue, I noticed I did this - “stop cutting off others, abandoning others as a way with dealing with conflict!!!!” It’s so weird how we humans mirror how we were treated. The only person I never regret cutting off were Narcs
I think we opt for cutting people off because that was the only safe way to react to abusive family when we were children. Imagine trying to reason with a drunk and violent father!!! Better to cut off and hide some place safe. But in doing so we also had to abandon ourselves, never able to find resolution and fearing conflict. Then, of couse, we carry that behaviour through to adulthood, which means we become the perfect victims for predatory Narcs.
@@mountaingirl8124 you should not cute the realtationship with your mon and dad they raise you they are your parent even if you did not like them be kind to them and support them.
My mother more or less told me this one time..except it went like this...if your friends knew you like I do they wouldn't like you...or be there for me. She always throws into question people's sincerity when they are kind towards me . Resents it when people care for me. I understand now it's just a projection of how she feels about herself
Sometimes I think cutting off is the best and only thing to do if your experience is that none of which you say or do gets heard or understood. With some people you can set as many boundaries as you want, they produce their own narratives. You can tell them: "look, I want you to be in my life, but not as (...) anymore but I'd rather have us this kind of relationship." You are honest and clear about what you want but they turn it into sth very different from what you said. Maybe they don't even listen to you; the mere fact that you are talking to them reinforces their own agenda which you of course can't (and should not) control. It only gets you into more trouble and new cicles of enmeshment. No, sometimes it is better to cut someone off even if you never wanted or intended to in the past. You can still do the inner work and wish them the best from a healthy distance.
I agree 100%, and apparently Jerry does too. He has replied to some comments on this page saying as much (e.g. @lady-angelabanks1700 where he said "I agree, I believe you have no other choice but to go no contact.). Apparently there's some kind of distinction in his mind between cutting off and no contact, but since they're used interchangeably by many people, I think the lesson here is to trust our OWN wisdom! Props for doing that and writing a comment that may help others do the same. ❤
Best video I have heard on fear of abandonment. About giving my power away. Just love myself to heal. Been working on myself for 3 years now and feels like running at first out of shape but getting more fit finally.
This is the classic “Avoidant” Style Attachment Injury... I feel your pain. I am the same. I’d rather be lonely and sad, than engulfed and abused so... alone I go.
I dont remember how I was abandoned, my parents were always doing their own thing and didnt notice us. I just was all alone in life w mom and dad doing their thing in the background. I felt all alone and without anyone to turn to.
i love your videos so much, its becoming a daily ritual for me to watch them, im learning a lot about myself and my relationships with others, im so glad i found this at this point in my life (im 22) when healing can really make a BIG impact on my future! thankyou so much
I see what you are saying about not cutting people off over a disagreement, but there's a point at which keeping a person in your life only serves the purpose of creating an *illusion* of not being abandoned. I would rather not live with illusions. Not cutting someone off knowing that they'll stab me in the back first chance they get, is not a good recipe for dealing with abandonment issues (at least for me, personally). I would rather feel abandoned, than keep a toxic person in my life. Besides, when you stop giving time to unhealthy relationships, you suddenly find yourself free to pursue "other hobbies", like finding yourself, or developing relationships with people who aren't toxic. Cutting people off is not a healthy solution in many situations, but it can be the lesser of two evils in cases of dangerously manipulative control freaks.
if you leave in time,early enough ,u go on with your life thats true Is just that you havent resolved that one problem Now for me it was (after a while)too important so much so that nothing else mattered more if at all There was nowhere to go bcoz i felt that if i ve been betrayed on that one there is no other purpose in life
What do you mean I haven't resolved that one? I don't have the power to resolve everything with everybody. Sometimes there's just no resolution possible, even if you stay. I let narcs be narcs, without me being around to watch them do what they do.
sure ,i agree ,i m not saying this must be a purpose of life to resolve everything with everyone (or anyone for that mater if that one is a narc)but if you havent learned to deal with . you think you ll be avoiding narcs forever but eventualy a time comes where either you get lured in eventualy by one of them or you find yourself into a situation that by necesity you cant distance yourself from one
Become the person that you want to be . Become the person that you want , to want you . Change yourself, work on those broken places , then you will have those people in your life . ❤️
Abandonment from both parents.. alcohol... one in military. All of us left to raise ourselves. Cutting off.. family. Now I'm angry, have sprees of yelling. I'm over the edge. Just realizing that this may be my core issue. My life is dead.. it feels that way.
I hope you will consider getting some help C'est Moi I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
I've been trying to find the reason for my anxiety for 15 years. After a therapy session today, I was blindsided by my therapist pointing this out. The last thing I ever would've expected was to have abandonment issues. That truth is weighing heavy on my heart today, and it probably always will until I finally fix that black hole inside myself.
Jerry Wise explains me perfectly, and I had been missing this about myself for decades. If a crisis two months ago had not simply overwhelmed me, I would never have looked at myself or videos like these. I thought psychological help was for the weak and pathetic, not for me. Instead, the opposites seem true. Everyday when I watch these videos, make notes and scribble down my thoughts on all this, I am both hungry to know more and really surprised, at times, shocked. This particular video really has grabbed me.
Your videos have helped me so much, over years I find myself coming back to them and learning more skills. Thank you and I appreciate everything that you do.
I don't agree with just cutting off from someone who is physically abusive. I am a firm believer that if a person is toxic (say a narcissist) and don't treat me right(say their emotionally abusive) I am definitely cutting that person off and I'm not looking back. It's always some kind of abuse with a narcissist and once a person identify who they are in my opinion they should definitely cut them off. You got some good points but that one I don't recieve.
I'm glad Jerry agreed with your comment that sometimes it IS appropriate to cut people off. The internalized self-doubt from being gaslit by a narcissist or other abuser means it's especially important that we learn to trust our own wisdom about what does or does not work for us. That can be harmed or helped by what we hear from experts. I've found Jay Reid, Patrick Teahan, Dr. Ramani, and Ingrid Clayton really helpful in strengthening my understanding of narcissistic abuse and how to heal. I really appreciate Jay's ability to articulate the way the abuse gets in one's head, and that he spells out what he sees as the pillars of recovery in every video: 1) making sense of what happened, 2) *gaining distance from the abuser,* 3) living in defiance of their rules, and finding people who validate and support you. Good wishes to you! ❤
@@bellaluce7088I go 8 to I go 88gi8i you i8 to gi8gi you 8 hi hi hi g8 you too you go 8 to you 8g888h8 you úgihigi88 III I go i88g8 go 88 GB I you 8ii8 you too 8g88g8 you go 88 for you ug8 you too 88 you ig in hi 8 hi ig8 your you go h888g8 you 8 too g8g8g8 you you you too 8 too hi 8 you g8 goo you too you go you gi8 you too h
Im okay with being abandoned by you guys. That's no longer a fear of mine. My fear is slipping back into my old habits now of isolating after you leave. But its no longer because of you leaving that I will be upset.
Mr. Wise: I love all of your videos. You are doing excellent work and helping a lot of people. It's funny you said Mary gross up in an alcoholic home, etc. that is ME! You are a gem! I know you were a pastor in the past. I get more out of your videos than I have thousands of sermons from the best of them. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!
I learned so much from this video! Thank you for using so many real life examples in your teaching-it makes the information so much more relevant and understandable.
As you were speaking and pointing out all the symptoms of abandonment I can see how all of it has affected me... I mean everything but codependency I think I’m more of the cut off type but literally everything else I can remember several instances for each. Thank you at least now I have a starting point. I’ve been wanting to heal and didn’t know what I needed to heal nor how to begin healing it. Now more then ever all I do everyday this beat myself down and wonder why I’m like this and spiral into depression... I’m so ready to stop being like this.
In this world people grow apart and things keep changing with times. Therefore, we cannot help it if someone we love suddenly wants to leave us. It has nothing to do with our worthiness or that we are not lovable enough. That's just how impermanent life is! We can't stop the tide of changes from happening. Any resistance will bring on sufferings. If someone enters your life, welcome him and learn everything you can while with him. When he leaves you or abandon you, let him go and wish him well. That's all we can do. Don't need to hang on to anyone who doesn't love you. The one that truly love you will show up when the time is right!
As a kid i always remember my mom taking me to the department store n leaving me. Then mall security would buy me a bag of candy while tracking down my mom. My mom dropped me my sister n baby brother at the library. When we were finished gathering our books we waited outside for my mom who never showed up. So i went to the pay phone n collect called my grandma n told her to get my mother to pick us up. She finally showed up. Then my dad talked about how smart i was for calling my grandma collect on the pay phone.
My exchildhood friend ended up having to finsih her education and living arrangement with her late grand parents. Sometimes I just don't get why the kids have to suffer when they should be having a healthy childhood? She had to raise herself. Had to get employment not only to get some essentials for herlself or for a degree she wanted to do. She also wanted her grandparents to not worry about how she's going to make it on her own. She managed to get married and become a mother
I feel this, my dad always dropped me off, he went to bar and I would stay wandering the streets! I was 8 years old. I can’t even imagine how I made it through, only God knows.
Thank you so much, Jerry. I don't know what to expect, but at least I have a better idea of how to begin healing. Even a small feeling of relief helps.
You are so welcome “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop Scholarships are available write to Jerry Wise at jerrywise5@gmail.com www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
A narc will ways abandon you. You may not have abandonment issues it may just be the actual fact that you have experienced actual abandonment that causes trauma bonds.
New Worldorder I disagree, you will have abandonment issues to be with a Narc. Also, the Narc has the most severe abandonment issues and cut off - which is why they get you first! 😊🙏
I was with a covert cerebal narc. He was the perfect guy. I was discarded because I challenged him on his narc behaviour. The trauma bonding wasn't working so he discarded the relationship. I love being on my own unike him. When he left I was elated. I may not have had abandonment issues but they certainly try their best at giving you some issues before they leave. I really took a good look at my self regarding abandonment. I can let people go as I did with a good friends over the years who drifted apart through distance and well just life. It's happened a few times but that's ok and normal. The Narc tried to say I'd lost one friend through my actions. Projection and blame shifting. I tried explaining she has moved on in a perfectly natural way and that our friendship had changed as part of growing. The Narc then ended our friendship officially by secretly messaging her. Neither one had the decency to come to me and accused each other of contacting the other. Then he said 'told you you would lose friends.' Thats narcs for you. I nipped the other friend, his flying monkey in the bud saving that relationship, much to the narcs annoyance. He was seething.
Don't get me wrong I sure as hec need to seal any of that porous stuff up regarding the grief of not being able to have kids and the feeling of being past it. That left me wide open to the abuse I tolerated. When your focus was having kids you miss huge signs. When you feel that kind of loss before and during with failed IVF it makes you incredibly vunerable.
Just 1 tip for shooting video- never light yourself from overhead. It casts heavy shadows on your face. Always better to light from natural source or a soft light from the front.
Wonderful! Thanks for watching. Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]
notes for myself: stop abandoning urself: not standing up urself, not identifying and declsring ur needs,don't be mean to urself, hate urself, keep toxic persons around also toxic family members,let urself get abused, let negstive pple, abandon urself when u need urself and eed to heal urself Step 2: thinking any attagement that leaves is an abandonment, we must share and agree on everything, relying on someone else to fill u up, a sense of wholeness comes from another person/group/family, have a heslthy balance of love and self,togetherness and alone time Step 3: back and for from cut off and attagement, when someine hurts u disagrees with u, don't reject and cut them off but set boundaries ubless it's physical abuse where physical cut off is neeeed
Wow that example is spot on. I have been both - the fearful reactive one with the man, and then the man doing this weird stuff with me, where he just wouldn't reply or would disappear and then I figure out later...."was he mad at me for something"? Two people fearing abandonment together perhaps? Thanks for this video!
This makes sense to me, with my issues of abandonment. The cut off is hurtful to me because you feel that you have been being cut off and left behind since you were a child. I need to stop internalizing this, all people have choices and I am also not quite to attach to people. When I do that is a sign for me that I trust you so cutting me off says to me that their is no trust there especially if it's off of small and petty issues. People give you the silent treatment often as a punishment and not because of taking a healthy distance to reflect, re-evaluate and then to re-address. Plus I am the type of person who like to address the elephant in the room even through I usually get rejection for this level of confrontation. Thank You it gives a small window of truth of the behaviors that irritate and affect my triggers.
Healing yourself in relationship to another person OR Healing yourself in a deathlationship is to rage against them in your Journaling & realize that it was all of that sociopaths fault!
I am not sure how the talking could have been started, because it’s hard to forget experiencing PTSD, having to sleep by the nurses station for two nights, being given medication/counseling to cope for 18 years, and then having to pretend I don’t know exactly how it happened. There is a lot of hurt in being attacked so personally. There is also hurt when I feel like there is this need to constantly humiliate me. I am not sure what that is about. I know I have issues. I would have gone to see a counselor had it been suggested to me. I was really hurting at the time.
I wished I had watched this video 7 months ago, when I was broken up!! God damn, I did the EXACT opposite ROFL. I need to stop hating on myself though. I went from all game to ZIP NADA. I hope I'll go back to normal someday soon. She's gone forever though!
I have this I have cut people from my life for the past 4 months now even they did not try to reach me ... This makes me feel I did the right thing because maybe they were also tired of a person like me who is in pain and despair most of the time ...that kind of energy just naturally pushes people away ...this time before they left ....I left ...and ...I feel very sad ...but this is it ....
Thanks Christina I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
You’re welcome 😊 “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Thank you for breaking it down in this very useful way. I’m about your age and only recently realized my generational family dynamic of abandonment. Can you address why these problems occur only in romantic relationships and not friendships?
Only you know what is right for you. It’s not the cut off that will make the difference it’s the inner healing you focus on during that time that would create change. We are not looking to take ourselves out of the family but to take the family out of us🤍
It’s not a fear it’s true my father left my 2 best friends left my step father left my other friend left my other step dad left and I’m about to lose my BEST friend.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Secret 1: Stop abandoning yourself
Secret 2: Stop equating fusion and investment with love (co-dependency)
Secret 3: Stop cutting off from others and abandoning others
Thanks for the recap ❤️
Its enmeshment not investment
Thanks for the recap though
@@jerrywise Would you consider adding a clarification in the description box for this video of what you mean by not cutting people off (or even editing and reposting the videot)? I see in some replies on this page that you've commented that you DO think going no contact with people is the right thing to do sometimes, but I got the opposite impression from the wording in the video.
Words are powerful, especially coming from experts, and I can see how someone might stay in something very bad for them (or just not their preference) based on this advice.
Thank you.
As someone who had this issue, I noticed I did this - “stop cutting off others, abandoning others as a way with dealing with conflict!!!!” It’s so weird how we humans mirror how we were treated. The only person I never regret cutting off were Narcs
I think we opt for cutting people off because that was the only safe way to react to abusive family when we were children. Imagine trying to reason with a drunk and violent father!!! Better to cut off and hide some place safe. But in doing so we also had to abandon ourselves, never able to find resolution and fearing conflict. Then, of couse, we carry that behaviour through to adulthood, which means we become the perfect victims for predatory Narcs.
how did you overcome with it
yeah, my mom is a narc. Dad went back to her, so now I'm cut off from both. Narcs can't heal or reason with anyone. Best just to cut them out.
@@mountaingirl8124 you should not cute the realtationship with your mon and dad they raise you they are your parent even if you did not like them
be kind to them and support them.
@@maxigan5266 this so BULLSHIT
"If you knew me like I knew me, you'd abandon me too." that is a hard one
veruc w the narcissist’s creed,
My mother more or less told me this one time..except it went like this...if your friends knew you like I do they wouldn't like you...or be there for me. She always throws into question people's sincerity when they are kind towards me . Resents it when people care for me. I understand now it's just a projection of how she feels about herself
My mom always told me, I love you, but I just don't like you. It crushed me
Leaving a toxic job ASAP is standing with myself.
My life story - the pendulum between enmeshment and cutting off. I have cut off from most people in my life.
Me, too. Looking back over the last few decades through photos I kept really makes me wonder where everyone went to.
I can relate
cutting off IS enmeshment, learn more about self differentiation and grow your emotional backbone.
Same :(
Ditto.
Sometimes I think cutting off is the best and only thing to do if your experience is that none of which you say or do gets heard or understood. With some people you can set as many boundaries as you want, they produce their own narratives. You can tell them: "look, I want you to be in my life, but not as (...) anymore but I'd rather have us this kind of relationship." You are honest and clear about what you want but they turn it into sth very different from what you said. Maybe they don't even listen to you; the mere fact that you are talking to them reinforces their own agenda which you of course can't (and should not) control. It only gets you into more trouble and new cicles of enmeshment.
No, sometimes it is better to cut someone off even if you never wanted or intended to in the past. You can still do the inner work and wish them the best from a healthy distance.
I agree 100%, and apparently Jerry does too. He has replied to some comments on this page saying as much (e.g. @lady-angelabanks1700 where he said "I agree, I believe you have no other choice but to go no contact.). Apparently there's some kind of distinction in his mind between cutting off and no contact, but since they're used interchangeably by many people, I think the lesson here is to trust our OWN wisdom! Props for doing that and writing a comment that may help others do the same. ❤
Thanku I’m 63 and have done this all my life. Now I understand
Best video I have heard on fear of abandonment. About giving my power away. Just love myself to heal. Been working on myself for 3 years now and feels like running at first out of shape but getting more fit finally.
This is so eye opening. I thought love is scary but really it’s my skewed idea of what love is.
I cut off. It's the only way I can feel safe. I can't stay connected to anyone.
This is the classic “Avoidant” Style Attachment Injury... I feel your pain. I am the same. I’d rather be lonely and sad, than engulfed and abused so... alone I go.
I was told that I was selfish for feeling abandoned by someone I loved who left me...
Never again. Getting connected is too dangerous.
I’m the same
i understand but make it temporary retreat dearie
I dont remember how I was abandoned, my parents were always doing their own thing and didnt notice us. I just was all alone in life w mom and dad doing their thing in the background. I felt all alone and without anyone to turn to.
i love your videos so much, its becoming a daily ritual for me to watch them, im learning a lot about myself and my relationships with others, im so glad i found this at this point in my life (im 22) when healing can really make a BIG impact on my future! thankyou so much
That's so wonderful Maly. I think a lot of us wish we'd had this information available when we were 22. Watch, learn and outsmart all the dysfunction.
Same 💯❤
I see what you are saying about not cutting people off over a disagreement, but there's a point at which keeping a person in your life only serves the purpose of creating an *illusion* of not being abandoned. I would rather not live with illusions. Not cutting someone off knowing that they'll stab me in the back first chance they get, is not a good recipe for dealing with abandonment issues (at least for me, personally). I would rather feel abandoned, than keep a toxic person in my life. Besides, when you stop giving time to unhealthy relationships, you suddenly find yourself free to pursue "other hobbies", like finding yourself, or developing relationships with people who aren't toxic.
Cutting people off is not a healthy solution in many situations, but it can be the lesser of two evils in cases of dangerously manipulative control freaks.
if you leave in time,early enough ,u go on with your life thats true Is just that you havent resolved that one problem
Now for me it was (after a while)too important so much so that nothing else mattered more if at all There was nowhere to go bcoz i felt that if i ve been betrayed on that one there is no other purpose in life
What do you mean I haven't resolved that one? I don't have the power to resolve everything with everybody. Sometimes there's just no resolution possible, even if you stay. I let narcs be narcs, without me being around to watch them do what they do.
sure ,i agree ,i m not saying this must be a purpose of life to resolve everything with everyone (or anyone for that mater if that one is a narc)but if you havent learned to deal with . you think you ll be avoiding narcs forever but eventualy a time comes where either you get lured in eventualy by one of them or you find yourself into a situation that by necesity you cant distance yourself from one
If you get lured in, eventually you figure it out, and then you run, as far and as fast as you can.
NarcFree AtLast only if it would be that easy..
Become the person that you want to be . Become the person that you want , to want you .
Change yourself, work on those broken places , then you will have those people in your life . ❤️
Well-written. Thank you!
Abandonment from both parents.. alcohol... one in military. All of us left to raise ourselves. Cutting off.. family. Now I'm angry, have sprees of yelling. I'm over the edge.
Just realizing that this may be my core issue.
My life is dead.. it feels that way.
I hope you will consider getting some help C'est Moi
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
This is an uphill battle with so many engraved negative beliefs and strongholds that always pop up whenever you are triggered!
I've been trying to find the reason for my anxiety for 15 years. After a therapy session today, I was blindsided by my therapist pointing this out. The last thing I ever would've expected was to have abandonment issues. That truth is weighing heavy on my heart today, and it probably always will until I finally fix that black hole inside myself.
WeW how are you, pal?
Jerry Wise explains me perfectly, and I had been missing this about myself for decades. If a crisis two months ago had not simply overwhelmed me, I would never have looked at myself or videos like these. I thought psychological help was for the weak and pathetic, not for me. Instead, the opposites seem true. Everyday when I watch these videos, make notes and scribble down my thoughts on all this, I am both hungry to know more and really surprised, at times, shocked. This particular video really has grabbed me.
Feel the pain. Cry. Pray. Keep going. No amount of anything else will remove this pain so hopefully with time, it'll get better.
great help, thanks jerry
pls stay on youtube dont abandon me
Your videos have helped me so much, over years I find myself coming back to them and learning more skills. Thank you and I appreciate everything that you do.
I don't agree with just cutting off from someone who is physically abusive. I am a firm believer that if a person is toxic (say a narcissist) and don't treat me right(say their emotionally abusive) I am definitely cutting that person off and I'm not looking back. It's always some kind of abuse with a narcissist and once a person identify who they are in my opinion they should definitely cut them off. You got some good points but that one I don't recieve.
I agree
I'm glad Jerry agreed with your comment that sometimes it IS appropriate to cut people off. The internalized self-doubt from being gaslit by a narcissist or other abuser means it's especially important that we learn to trust our own wisdom about what does or does not work for us. That can be harmed or helped by what we hear from experts. I've found Jay Reid, Patrick Teahan, Dr. Ramani, and Ingrid Clayton really helpful in strengthening my understanding of narcissistic abuse and how to heal. I really appreciate Jay's ability to articulate the way the abuse gets in one's head, and that he spells out what he sees as the pillars of recovery in every video: 1) making sense of what happened, 2) *gaining distance from the abuser,* 3) living in defiance of their rules, and finding people who validate and support you.
Good wishes to you! ❤
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Im okay with being abandoned by you guys. That's no longer a fear of mine. My fear is slipping back into my old habits now of isolating after you leave. But its no longer because of you leaving that I will be upset.
Mr. Wise: I love all of your videos. You are doing excellent work and helping a lot of people. It's funny you said Mary gross up in an alcoholic home, etc. that is ME! You are a gem! I know you were a pastor in the past. I get more out of your videos than I have thousands of sermons from the best of them. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!
I did a lot of work to reduce my abandonment issue..but sometimes I failed..then got up and tried again..and now your video taught me a lot Thank you.
All good now.? No more getting through same cycle ?
I learned so much from this video! Thank you for using so many real life examples in your teaching-it makes the information so much more relevant and understandable.
As you were speaking and pointing out all the symptoms of abandonment I can see how all of it has affected me... I mean everything but codependency I think I’m more of the cut off type but literally everything else I can remember several instances for each. Thank you at least now I have a starting point. I’ve been wanting to heal and didn’t know what I needed to heal nor how to begin healing it. Now more then ever all I do everyday this beat myself down and wonder why I’m like this and spiral into depression... I’m so ready to stop being like this.
One of the best I’ve heard in abandonemment . Thank you .
Thanks for listening
In this world people grow apart and things keep changing with times. Therefore, we cannot help it if someone we love suddenly wants to leave us. It has nothing to do with our worthiness or that we are not lovable enough. That's just how impermanent life is! We can't stop the tide of changes from happening. Any resistance will bring on sufferings. If someone enters your life, welcome him and learn everything you can while with him. When he leaves you or abandon you, let him go and wish him well. That's all we can do. Don't need to hang on to anyone who doesn't love you. The one that truly love you will show up when the time is right!
Thank you for serving others in this way. I needed this. I appreciate you for sharing.
As a kid i always remember my mom taking me to the department store n leaving me. Then mall security would buy me a bag of candy while tracking down my mom. My mom dropped me my sister n baby brother at the library. When we were finished gathering our books we waited outside for my mom who never showed up. So i went to the pay phone n collect called my grandma n told her to get my mother to pick us up. She finally showed up. Then my dad talked about how smart i was for calling my grandma collect on the pay phone.
So sorry that happened to you, must have been awful.
My exchildhood friend ended up having to finsih her education and living arrangement with her late grand parents. Sometimes I just don't get why the kids have to suffer when they should be having a healthy childhood?
She had to raise herself. Had to get employment not only to get some essentials for herlself or for a degree she wanted to do. She also wanted her grandparents to not worry about how she's going to make it on her own. She managed to get married and become a mother
I feel this, my dad always dropped me off, he went to bar and I would stay wandering the streets! I was 8 years old. I can’t even imagine how I made it through, only God knows.
God bless you! You are the North Pole star for us!,
So many nuggets of gold in this video. I'll call you the prospector 👍
lol
Thank you so much, Jerry. I don't know what to expect, but at least I have a better idea of how to begin healing. Even a small feeling of relief helps.
Thank you very much Jerry, helps a lot. It brings clarity to my problem in relationship. Much love and thanks!!🙏🏻
You are so welcome
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
Scholarships are available write to Jerry Wise at
jerrywise5@gmail.com
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
So helpful! Jerry you are the best. Thank you for spreading the knowledge and awareness.
Glad it was helpful!
I've learned to embrace not being loved. Atleast it's honest ❤
J M Jesus loves you.
All is love
I'm getting there too. I just have to realize I'm not loved and learn to be ok with it
This is very insightful information as a codependent trying to heal abandonment issues. I am glad I came across this . Thanks 🙏
I'm glad you found this helpful Michelle ❤️
Great helpful video. Thank you!
Lots of love and respect Jerry sir 🥰🙏🏻🙏🏻
Wow, just wow. AMAZING stuff and I needed to hear this. I'm getting off the pendulum. God showed me this video exactly when I needed it.
Thank u , how important that was to understand about the cutting off strategy, very enlightning, thanks❤️❤️❤️
A narc will ways abandon you. You may not have abandonment issues it may just be the actual fact that you have experienced actual abandonment that causes trauma bonds.
Abandonment issues are why we hooked up with the narcissists in the first place. And yes, NPD's will always abandon us.
New Worldorder I disagree, you will have abandonment issues to be with a Narc. Also, the Narc has the most severe abandonment issues and cut off - which is why they get you first! 😊🙏
I was with a covert cerebal narc. He was the perfect guy. I was discarded because I challenged him on his narc behaviour. The trauma bonding wasn't working so he discarded the relationship. I love being on my own unike him. When he left I was elated. I may not have had abandonment issues but they certainly try their best at giving you some issues before they leave. I really took a good look at my self regarding abandonment. I can let people go as I did with a good friends over the years who drifted apart through distance and well just life. It's happened a few times but that's ok and normal. The Narc tried to say I'd lost one friend through my actions. Projection and blame shifting. I tried explaining she has moved on in a perfectly natural way and that our friendship had changed as part of growing. The Narc then ended our friendship officially by secretly messaging her. Neither one had the decency to come to me and accused each other of contacting the other. Then he said 'told you you would lose friends.' Thats narcs for you. I nipped the other friend, his flying monkey in the bud saving that relationship, much to the narcs annoyance. He was seething.
I had just lost a baby the year before they sneak in when there is trauma. My gap (his way in) was my need to have kids before I got too old.
Don't get me wrong I sure as hec need to seal any of that porous stuff up regarding the grief of not being able to have kids and the feeling of being past it. That left me wide open to the abuse I tolerated. When your focus was having kids you miss huge signs. When you feel that kind of loss before and during with failed IVF it makes you incredibly vunerable.
Jerry, you are an angel! Thank you for your service ❤
Thank you so much Jerry Wise finally I found you with all your super great contents. Hugs from Roberta from Italy :-)
This is so deep. Thank you so much for this
Yes this is very profound info, I’m glad you enjoyed it❤️
This blessed me something serious. I took notes.
This is so heavy and deep.
Just 1 tip for shooting video- never light yourself from overhead. It casts heavy shadows on your face. Always better to light from natural source or a soft light from the front.
This info has hit so many of us deeply, I guarantee you none of us care about cinematography right now. As well intentioned as your comment is
Exactly we don’t care about the lighting at all.
Wow I'm going to listen to this everyday
Wonderful! Thanks for watching.
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“Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You”
Workshop
Date: February 6, Saturday
Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST
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I really appreciated the self abandonment awareness
Thankyou !
Thankyou !
Thankyou !
Amazing secrets !!😊👍🙏
thank you so much I needed this so bad.
This hit home. Thank you for this video!
notes for myself:
stop abandoning urself: not standing up urself, not identifying and declsring ur needs,don't be mean to urself, hate urself, keep toxic persons around also toxic family members,let urself get abused, let negstive pple, abandon urself when u need urself and eed to heal urself
Step 2: thinking any attagement that leaves is an abandonment, we must share and agree on everything, relying on someone else to fill u up, a sense of wholeness comes from another person/group/family, have a heslthy balance of love and self,togetherness and alone time
Step 3: back and for from cut off and attagement, when someine hurts u disagrees with u, don't reject and cut them off but set boundaries ubless it's physical abuse where physical cut off is neeeed
Thank you ♥️♥️♥️ so much from Winnipeg Manitoba Canada.
Thank you, love the info. Specially, the self differentiation, which I think was a missing piece in my puzzle.
Wow that example is spot on. I have been both - the fearful reactive one with the man, and then the man doing this weird stuff with me, where he just wouldn't reply or would disappear and then I figure out later...."was he mad at me for something"? Two people fearing abandonment together perhaps? Thanks for this video!
This is excellent!
Thank you very much for your informative videos.
This makes sense to me, with my issues of abandonment. The cut off is hurtful to me because you feel that you have been being cut off and left behind since you were a child. I need to stop internalizing this, all people have choices and I am also not quite to attach to people. When I do that is a sign for me that I trust you so cutting me off says to me that their is no trust there especially if it's off of small and petty issues.
People give you the silent treatment often as a punishment and not because of taking a healthy distance to reflect, re-evaluate and then to re-address.
Plus I am the type of person who like to address the elephant in the room even through I usually get rejection for this level of confrontation.
Thank You it gives a small window of truth of the behaviors that irritate and affect my triggers.
This explains EVERYTHING!
Healing yourself in relationship to another person
OR
Healing yourself in a deathlationship is to rage against them in your Journaling & realize that it was all of that sociopaths fault!
Thanks a lot. Your videos are very helpful in my healing journey 🙏💕
Hi, I'm glad that my videos helped you in your healing journey, I wish you all the best.
I am working on ALL of self abandonment. Nobody taught me. I was busy taking care of everyone else.
Great video, Jerry.
Thanks Jerry!! Perfect video for me😊..
Thank you
So eye opening, Jerry. Thank you..
Thank you for this great informative video. I’m going to beat this.
I am not sure how the talking could have been started, because it’s hard to forget experiencing PTSD, having to sleep by the nurses station for two nights, being given medication/counseling to cope for 18 years, and then having to pretend I don’t know exactly how it happened. There is a lot of hurt in being attacked so personally. There is also hurt when I feel like there is this need to constantly humiliate me. I am not sure what that is about. I know I have issues. I would have gone to see a counselor had it been suggested to me. I was really hurting at the time.
Jerry, you have helped me tremendously. Thank you.
You are so welcome
I wished I had watched this video 7 months ago, when I was broken up!! God damn, I did the EXACT opposite ROFL. I need to stop hating on myself though. I went from all game to ZIP NADA. I hope I'll go back to normal someday soon. She's gone forever though!
this is literal gold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much ♥️
What happens if I don’t like a person or after I hangout with them I get depressed. Why can’t I cut them off if I’m not interested?
This is a lot of work! Takes time..........
I have this I have cut people from my life for the past 4 months now even they did not try to reach me ...
This makes me feel I did the right thing because maybe they were also tired of a person like me who is in pain and despair most of the time ...that kind of energy just naturally pushes people away ...this time before they left ....I left ...and ...I feel very sad ...but this is it ....
💔
great video!! thanks
Right on point!🙌🏻❤️
Declaring and Not Declaring ourselves to others. What does that mean/look like?
All right on the money
Thanks Christina
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Don't run from the pain!
Find it........Identify it.........Heal it😭cry
Then you can deliberately forget!
My poor husband. When I get triggered I cut him off as if it is his fault...
Thank you so much for the video. Will work on the balance...
You’re welcome 😊
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
One thing I seem to do is abandon them first so I can't be abandoned
Cut offs, you got me there.. 😢 thanks
Sending love your way❤️
You are Great
Thanks Jerry I struggle with this everyday. I might contact your some dya
Thank you for breaking it down in this very useful way. I’m about your age and only recently realized my generational family dynamic of abandonment. Can you address why these problems occur only in romantic relationships and not friendships?
Wow thank you sooo much
Wow!, it's great! Thanks
Glad you like it!
Disagree on "cut off". NO values in common with abusers...no point in not cutting off.
helpful. thank you.
You're welcome Zainab!
Thank you for this
Superb info! 🙏👍🙏
Thank you!
Don't cut off??? Stepping on my boundaries over and over again and no indication they are going to stop, damn well I'm cutting off !
Only you know what is right for you. It’s not the cut off that will make the difference it’s the inner healing you focus on during that time that would create change. We are not looking to take ourselves out of the family but to take the family out of us🤍
@@jerrywise
It’s not a fear it’s true my father left my 2 best friends left my step father left my other friend left my other step dad left and I’m about to lose my BEST friend.
Dang, I have both codependency and abondonment issues.
It's good to know this for your recovery C
@@jerrywise Reading up attachment theory eased me. Thank you for the video!
This was really interesting. Bit late for me though, am all alone already😔
Join ACA, you won't be alone.
It’s never to late
needed this