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The DA discards I have experienced are different but have the same effect. The DA makes up their mind to discard by distancing slowly. They sort of compartmentalize and pull back, but not completely, but they've discarded you in their own mind. They still interact with you, sometimes for weeks or months, in a kind of more distanced autopilot while you're trying to figure out what is happening. They usually leave once they've healed enough to be able to walk away, but YOU didn't even know a breakup was happening, and YOU were still providing them needs while they healed to walk away FROM YOU. Or, they want to force YOU to walk away by neglecting or mistreating you, so that they didn't have to be the one who ended things. THEN all these horrible lack of closure, self-blame things start to go through your head because you wonder at what point the relationship stopped being real for them and how you didn't notice.
That’s such a heartbreaking dynamic, and you described it so well. That slow fade and lack of closure can be devastating, especially when you realize they were detaching long before you knew what was happening. It’s such a painful experience, and you’re not alone in feeling that way.
Addressing and questioning narratives that keep us stuck in the past is such game changing advice. Forever thankful for this channel and everything I've learned here over the past two years.
I got the fade-out. Tried to address it, as it was triggering the hell out of my own Anxious issues. Then the hard discard happened. And I know she cared as much as she was able. And I know she just ran out of capacity. She really *did* get busy with life.
And my "If I only" story? If I only found the Attachment Style stuff before I was already past what I could bear, we could've learned to communicate even better, work on *both* of our issues and grow as a couple. Because we were. Just, not effective enough. So that's what I'm doing now. I'm learning, and healing. Learning how to heal others, and what that would need from me.
@@Sylencer1982 Zactly. Never heard of, or Dealt with a Dismissive Avoidant, never even heard of it. But Discovered after the hurt and damage was done to both of us. Wish I would have known.
The fade-out can be so triggering, especially for someone with anxious tendencies. It sounds like she may have cared in her own way, but that doesn’t make the pain any less real. Thank you for your vulnerable share 💜
@ I *know* she did. And progress was being made. The Fears just grew along with the Feelings, and life got busy. Gave her a convenient, legitimate reason to distance. And she did. Currently in No Contact. I've been making really good strides with personal development in that time, though. I hope she's doing the same.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but hang in there. Im 6months post discard. It never goes completely away but it did get easier when I stopped villainizing myself and started prioritizing myself again.
I know it hurts and you will feel extremely blindsided, but you have to anchor yourself in knowing that a lot of these are the DA's own issues and their lack of fulfilling their 50% in a relationship. You can't take 100% of the blame for the relationship failing. Take your 50%, learn the lessons, work towards being secure, and you'll start to see that you never deserve to be treated like that nor should you tolerate that kind of disrespect to begin with. Once you can really ground yourself in that mindset, I mean, you will of course miss them and still have residual feelings, but that core understanding will make it 100x easier to move forward because you can start to see their flaws and issues and how they contributed to the breakdown.
That’s such a tough experience. Healing isn’t always linear, and those waves of pain can be really hard to navigate. Be kind to yourself during this process. 💜
Wish I was educated on all this 6 months ago. With the parenilization I was raised on, my therapist started working on solution focused therapy, so that I can find my internal motivation and validation, along with self confidence, self worth and my sense of self. When asked who I am, I could never answer. I wish my ex DA would work on her past trauma as well, but until she wants to work on herself, if she wanted to get back together as Thais says they typically do, I can't resume or start over.
It’s amazing that you’re doing the work to build your internal sense of self. That takes so much strength. It’s hard when we wish someone else would do the same, but you’re right-real change only happens when they choose it for themselves. 💜
She broke up with me, but kept me close in all the ways you can imagine.. then the fade out started and I told her goodbye and that she'd alsways be in my heart. She still is.
That’s so bittersweet. It sounds like you really cared for her, and saying goodbye that way took a lot of strength. Those feelings don’t just disappear overnight.
People won't realize the power of this video. It's so important to view every new relationship/interaction as a new learning experience. People often go into relationships with the expectation that they have found their new partner, but 70% of the people you have relationships with won't work out in the long-run. It's best to look at it as a new learning experience. I know in my case I don't look at any woman I date as "the one." I view every woman I date as a new learning experience because I know that feelings or tastes can change over time (it's one of the reasons I've remained cordial with most of my exes). Even in the case of casual relationships, I see my interactions with these women as a new learning experience. It's why I've learned over the years that I'm not big on 🍑 calls, but would rather engage in some shared activities (i.e. dinner, movies, comedy shows, etc). That said, this video is powerful but it probably won't get the engagement it deserves. Either way, fantastic video!
Hmmm. I think Thais would unpack the desire to have “learning experiences,” and whether there is a lack of empathy and self reflection about how a (potential) partner may feel about being viewed that way. If you can change your tastes like you change your shoes when it comes to dating/partners, I think many would run 🏃🏽♀️ 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️. I would.
@@eskyles98*nothing* was said in that comment *close* to they "can change [their] tastes like [they] change their shoes when it comes to dating/partners" & thais talks a *lot* about the importance of vetting perhaps thais would unpack using her in your appeal to authority, i would. i'd also question why your only two comments on the *personal* development school chide *others* for lacking self reflection & empathy 🤨
@@r_and_a Tastes can change after a 30 year marriage, but some people don’t move on; they work it out. When does serial vetting become an avoidant strategy? Renaming friendly with an ex is also an avoidant 🚩 when accompanied by certain behaviors. I don’t need Thais to validate my positions. And I don’t need to be a PDS Stan or poster to offer a different POV. This is my last post on the subject. One woman, one opinion.
@@eskyles98 curious to claim "i don't need thais to validate my positions" after *you* are the one who tried to bolster your perspective by speculating how you "think thais would unpack" something you appear to project & rewrite history - quite a difference in "if you can change your tastes like you change your shoes" (which, again, was never even implied) & "tastes can change after a 30yr marriage" if one was to follow your lead they might act like you're admitting you only change shoes every 30yrs in which case "i think many would run" 👟♨️🤢 edited to add i started my reply before your unmarked edits proclaiming you'd no longer be responding 🤷 interesting to bring up red flags as you seem to display *many* of them
@@eskyles98 hmm... I'm not sure how you picked that up from my original comment, but approaching every new relationship as "the one" is poor vetting skills. Perhaps you've heard the saying, "people grow together or they grow apart?" I mean if you're going to "run" without considering such a possibility in a relationship, I'd say that's a huge 🚩 in and of itself.
After he discarded me, I got totally off social media so he wouldn't be able to spy on me, which I know he does. Now he's seeing what it feels like to be discarded! Total lack of empathy. I'm super grossed out.
Yes, makes sense. Sometimes stepping away is the best way to reclaim your peace, especially when you feel like someone is still trying to keep tabs on you.
Does this apply to the talking phase? Cause this has happened multiple times to me during the talking phase, I can’t seem to even make it to a long term relationship with an avoidant
I feel like this might just be shitty people ghosting? I have experienced the same and I hate that it is now socially appropriate to just ghost after a few dates or a few weeks of serious talking. I understand not everyone is going to be a fit, but people should still have decency.
@ yeah, I didn’t get ghosted in these cases (this was like 2-3 months of talking and going on dates) but they turned distant very suddenly and it really hurt
That’s a great question. Yes, this can definitely apply to the talking phase as well. Avoidants can struggle with deepening connections, and that can show up early in relationships.
great video but prevention is an interesting word? I had my own CPTSD trauma that I was dealing with when I met my avoidant coparent.. It caused a serious mental health issue because my brain had its own wiring and trauma. There needs to be more consequences for these often devastating experiences. Knowing ones self is helpful but that usally comes way after the bulls*t
That’s a valid point. Trauma and attachment issues don’t exist in a vacuum, and the impact on mental health is huge. Self-awareness helps, but it doesn’t erase the pain of these experiences.
It’s wrong and manipulative to label a break up as a discard. We don’t throw out people as if they’re trash, we don’t discard. We just break up easily and often. We don’t believe in others changing us or us changing others we don’t have a long conversation about what a person “did wrong” because we recognize it’s not wrong it’s just different and we’re happy to let them be themself not negotiate how they can change to cater to us.
If you don't let the other person know there are issues that you're harboring, you're throwing away the relationship. If you expect perfection without work, you're discarding the person they are. And it's not up to you to decide for someone else what they are or are not willing to change about themselves. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's apathy.
That's true. But DAs have an aversion to that. It's known. I hope to offer a perspective that might plant a seed. It won't happen overnight, but hopefully it'll bloom. The fact that he's here is a good sign.
For many, the term "discard" captures the experience of feeling suddenly or unexpectedly abandoned, but your point about different perspectives on breakups is definitely valid.
Feels so permanent and final for me too right now. Broke up for the first time 3 months ago. I broke contact two times asking for a in person closure convo atleast. He spoke with me over the phone but didn’t have interest in trying therapy for fighting for the relationship still. I won’t break contact again. It hurts so much, everything was great and loving. He was a really good bf. The second I brought up asking about living together one day he suddenly changed his mind. I expressed my intentions and goals from the very day we met! Feels like he won’t ever reach out again to admit his mistake with ending things, he seems so distracted and idk when it will hit him finally. Or if he’s even suffering like me.
@christinahurley1155 I feel your pain. Feel like I have my best friend and my lover it always seems to be 2 steps forward, 5 steps back. It reaches a point you wonder when love in itself wasn't enough. I would give you a hug if I could.
That sounds really painful. If it feels different this time, giving yourself space to grieve and process can help, even if it’s not easy. Wishing you more peace and healing as you get through this💜
Been through this since Dec 24, 2024. Tried to be easy on her but I expressed my feelings, I apologized for how she felt. But I told her my heart was broken and she didn’t care. I have self healed, but the pain is still there, so still some healing ❤️🩹 to go. A bit when I think about her, I still miss her. I have started hypnotherapy. I advise everyone to try it that has gone through a heartbreak 💔. Just not really full closure which hurts. We were going to talk on phone. I pushed too hard to get her to talk. Made her push away even more. There is no full closure 😞.
It’s so hard when there’s no real closure, but it’s amazing that you’re prioritizing your healing. Hypnotherapy sounds like a great tool for working through those lingering emotions. Thank you for your vulnerable share 💜
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The DA discards I have experienced are different but have the same effect.
The DA makes up their mind to discard by distancing slowly. They sort of compartmentalize and pull back, but not completely, but they've discarded you in their own mind. They still interact with you, sometimes for weeks or months, in a kind of more distanced autopilot while you're trying to figure out what is happening. They usually leave once they've healed enough to be able to walk away, but YOU didn't even know a breakup was happening, and YOU were still providing them needs while they healed to walk away FROM YOU.
Or, they want to force YOU to walk away by neglecting or mistreating you, so that they didn't have to be the one who ended things.
THEN all these horrible lack of closure, self-blame things start to go through your head because you wonder at what point the relationship stopped being real for them and how you didn't notice.
That’s such a heartbreaking dynamic, and you described it so well. That slow fade and lack of closure can be devastating, especially when you realize they were detaching long before you knew what was happening. It’s such a painful experience, and you’re not alone in feeling that way.
Addressing and questioning narratives that keep us stuck in the past is such game changing advice. Forever thankful for this channel and everything I've learned here over the past two years.
That’s so great to hear! Shifting those deep-rooted narratives can be life-changing.
I got the fade-out. Tried to address it, as it was triggering the hell out of my own Anxious issues.
Then the hard discard happened.
And I know she cared as much as she was able. And I know she just ran out of capacity. She really *did* get busy with life.
And my "If I only" story?
If I only found the Attachment Style stuff before I was already past what I could bear, we could've learned to communicate even better, work on *both* of our issues and grow as a couple.
Because we were. Just, not effective enough.
So that's what I'm doing now. I'm learning, and healing. Learning how to heal others, and what that would need from me.
@@Sylencer1982 Zactly. Never heard of, or Dealt with a Dismissive Avoidant, never even heard of it. But Discovered after the hurt and damage was done to both of us. Wish I would have known.
The fade-out can be so triggering, especially for someone with anxious tendencies. It sounds like she may have cared in her own way, but that doesn’t make the pain any less real. Thank you for your vulnerable share 💜
@ I *know* she did. And progress was being made.
The Fears just grew along with the Feelings, and life got busy. Gave her a convenient, legitimate reason to distance. And she did.
Currently in No Contact.
I've been making really good strides with personal development in that time, though.
I hope she's doing the same.
Into week 7 of the discard and the pain fades a bit, then just floods back.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but hang in there. Im 6months post discard. It never goes completely away but it did get easier when I stopped villainizing myself and started prioritizing myself again.
I know it hurts and you will feel extremely blindsided, but you have to anchor yourself in knowing that a lot of these are the DA's own issues and their lack of fulfilling their 50% in a relationship. You can't take 100% of the blame for the relationship failing. Take your 50%, learn the lessons, work towards being secure, and you'll start to see that you never deserve to be treated like that nor should you tolerate that kind of disrespect to begin with. Once you can really ground yourself in that mindset, I mean, you will of course miss them and still have residual feelings, but that core understanding will make it 100x easier to move forward because you can start to see their flaws and issues and how they contributed to the breakdown.
That’s such a tough experience. Healing isn’t always linear, and those waves of pain can be really hard to navigate. Be kind to yourself during this process. 💜
Wish I was educated on all this 6 months ago. With the parenilization I was raised on, my therapist started working on solution focused therapy, so that I can find my internal motivation and validation, along with self confidence, self worth and my sense of self. When asked who I am, I could never answer. I wish my ex DA would work on her past trauma as well, but until she wants to work on herself, if she wanted to get back together as Thais says they typically do, I can't resume or start over.
It’s amazing that you’re doing the work to build your internal sense of self. That takes so much strength. It’s hard when we wish someone else would do the same, but you’re right-real change only happens when they choose it for themselves. 💜
She broke up with me, but kept me close in all the ways you can imagine.. then the fade out started and I told her goodbye and that she'd alsways be in my heart.
She still is.
That’s so bittersweet. It sounds like you really cared for her, and saying goodbye that way took a lot of strength. Those feelings don’t just disappear overnight.
I think avoidant are anxious too. Depends of who love the more the other and who is more afraid.
People won't realize the power of this video. It's so important to view every new relationship/interaction as a new learning experience. People often go into relationships with the expectation that they have found their new partner, but 70% of the people you have relationships with won't work out in the long-run. It's best to look at it as a new learning experience.
I know in my case I don't look at any woman I date as "the one." I view every woman I date as a new learning experience because I know that feelings or tastes can change over time (it's one of the reasons I've remained cordial with most of my exes). Even in the case of casual relationships, I see my interactions with these women as a new learning experience. It's why I've learned over the years that I'm not big on 🍑 calls, but would rather engage in some shared activities (i.e. dinner, movies, comedy shows, etc). That said, this video is powerful but it probably won't get the engagement it deserves. Either way, fantastic video!
Hmmm. I think Thais would unpack the desire to have “learning experiences,” and whether there is a lack of empathy and self reflection about how a (potential) partner may feel about being viewed that way.
If you can change your tastes like you change your shoes when it comes to dating/partners, I think many would run 🏃🏽♀️ 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️.
I would.
@@eskyles98*nothing* was said in that comment *close* to they "can change [their] tastes like [they] change their shoes when it comes to dating/partners" & thais talks a *lot* about the importance of vetting
perhaps thais would unpack using her in your appeal to authority, i would. i'd also question why your only two comments on the *personal* development school chide *others* for lacking self reflection & empathy 🤨
@@r_and_a Tastes can change after a 30 year marriage, but some people don’t move on; they work it out. When does serial vetting become an avoidant strategy? Renaming friendly with an ex is also an avoidant 🚩 when accompanied by certain behaviors.
I don’t need Thais to validate my positions. And I don’t need to be a PDS Stan or poster to offer a different POV.
This is my last post on the subject. One woman, one opinion.
@@eskyles98 curious to claim "i don't need thais to validate my positions" after *you* are the one who tried to bolster your perspective by speculating how you "think thais would unpack" something
you appear to project & rewrite history - quite a difference in "if you can change your tastes like you change your shoes" (which, again, was never even implied) & "tastes can change after a 30yr marriage"
if one was to follow your lead they might act like you're admitting you only change shoes every 30yrs in which case "i think many would run" 👟♨️🤢
edited to add
i started my reply before your unmarked edits proclaiming you'd no longer be responding 🤷 interesting to bring up red flags as you seem to display *many* of them
@@eskyles98 hmm... I'm not sure how you picked that up from my original comment, but approaching every new relationship as "the one" is poor vetting skills. Perhaps you've heard the saying, "people grow together or they grow apart?" I mean if you're going to "run" without considering such a possibility in a relationship, I'd say that's a huge 🚩 in and of itself.
After he discarded me, I got totally off social media so he wouldn't be able to spy on me, which I know he does. Now he's seeing what it feels like to be discarded! Total lack of empathy. I'm super grossed out.
Yes, makes sense. Sometimes stepping away is the best way to reclaim your peace, especially when you feel like someone is still trying to keep tabs on you.
Does this apply to the talking phase? Cause this has happened multiple times to me during the talking phase, I can’t seem to even make it to a long term relationship with an avoidant
I feel like this might just be shitty people ghosting? I have experienced the same and I hate that it is now socially appropriate to just ghost after a few dates or a few weeks of serious talking. I understand not everyone is going to be a fit, but people should still have decency.
@ yeah, I didn’t get ghosted in these cases (this was like 2-3 months of talking and going on dates) but they turned distant very suddenly and it really hurt
That’s a great question. Yes, this can definitely apply to the talking phase as well. Avoidants can struggle with deepening connections, and that can show up early in relationships.
Happy Weds and thanks for the good work!
Glad to hear it resonates with you! 💜
great video but prevention is an interesting word? I had my own CPTSD trauma that I was dealing with when I met my avoidant coparent.. It caused a serious mental health issue because my brain had its own wiring and trauma. There needs to be more consequences for these often devastating experiences. Knowing ones self is helpful but that usally comes way after the bulls*t
That’s a valid point. Trauma and attachment issues don’t exist in a vacuum, and the impact on mental health is huge. Self-awareness helps, but it doesn’t erase the pain of these experiences.
It’s wrong and manipulative to label a break up as a discard.
We don’t throw out people as if they’re trash, we don’t discard.
We just break up easily and often.
We don’t believe in others changing us or us changing others we don’t have a long conversation about what a person “did wrong” because we recognize it’s not wrong it’s just different and we’re happy to let them be themself not negotiate how they can change to cater to us.
If you don't let the other person know there are issues that you're harboring, you're throwing away the relationship.
If you expect perfection without work, you're discarding the person they are.
And it's not up to you to decide for someone else what they are or are not willing to change about themselves.
The opposite of love isn't hate. It's apathy.
Making unilateral decisions on what you think someone else wants/should have is just as bad as being manipulative.
This POV shows a fundamental lack of empathy and self reflection.
That's true.
But DAs have an aversion to that. It's known.
I hope to offer a perspective that might plant a seed.
It won't happen overnight, but hopefully it'll bloom.
The fact that he's here is a good sign.
For many, the term "discard" captures the experience of feeling suddenly or unexpectedly abandoned, but your point about different perspectives on breakups is definitely valid.
Literally last night for maybe the 3rd time. This time it feels permanent
Feels so permanent and final for me too right now. Broke up for the first time 3 months ago. I broke contact two times asking for a in person closure convo atleast. He spoke with me over the phone but didn’t have interest in trying therapy for fighting for the relationship still. I won’t break contact again. It hurts so much, everything was great and loving. He was a really good bf. The second I brought up asking about living together one day he suddenly changed his mind. I expressed my intentions and goals from the very day we met! Feels like he won’t ever reach out again to admit his mistake with ending things, he seems so distracted and idk when it will hit him finally. Or if he’s even suffering like me.
@christinahurley1155 I feel your pain. Feel like I have my best friend and my lover it always seems to be 2 steps forward, 5 steps back. It reaches a point you wonder when love in itself wasn't enough. I would give you a hug if I could.
That sounds really painful. If it feels different this time, giving yourself space to grieve and process can help, even if it’s not easy. Wishing you more peace and healing as you get through this💜
Been through this since Dec 24, 2024. Tried to be easy on her but I expressed my feelings, I apologized for how she felt. But I told her my heart was broken and she didn’t care. I have self healed, but the pain is still there, so still some healing ❤️🩹 to go. A bit when I think about her, I still miss her. I have started hypnotherapy. I advise everyone to try it that has gone through a heartbreak 💔. Just not really full closure which hurts. We were going to talk on phone. I pushed too hard to get her to talk. Made her push away even more. There is no full closure 😞.
It’s so hard when there’s no real closure, but it’s amazing that you’re prioritizing your healing. Hypnotherapy sounds like a great tool for working through those lingering emotions. Thank you for your vulnerable share 💜