Do narcissists feel anything after a breakup?
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- Опубликовано: 8 фев 2023
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Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. And here I discuss my own personal experience living with narcissistic personality disorder. Including the symptoms and behaviors associated with this disorder, as well as how it has affected my life. I also share some of my coping strategies and how I have been able to manage the disorder, along with helping you understanding your loved ones and their behaviors that may seem almost incomprehensible and potentially hurtful. Hopefully, my channel will provide insight into what it's like to live with narcissistic personality disorder, as well as what it's like for your loved ones. Thank you for watching!
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#narcissist #clusterB #gaslighting #npd #mentalhealth #BPD #narcissism #narcissisticabuse #gaslighting #mentalhealthawareness
It's hard to explain. Loving a narcissist feels like having a pet tiger.
Hahaha makes sense
Yesssss
it's like trying to approach an abused animal, they show teeth the minute you get too close. Then you step back and they look helpless and like you you cuddle them... it's a yo-yo game.
Nope. Tiger got rules, narc doesn't. Tiger even is dangerous got dignity, narc doesn't
More like having a pet viper.
Sometimes people who are the ones who do the breaking up still feel sad because they really wanted the relationship to work and they have to grieve the reality that it didn't work out. Plus they miss the good times.
Exactly
True that.... and it keeps hurting.
Exactly right
Yes. Coming from the one who does the breaking up.
Question: if one wants it to work, then why break up instead of trying. Genuinely asking.
I can say having been in a relationship with a narcissist, his constant need for attention and disregarding me, my dreams, my conversations with him, my goals, got to be too much. The world revolved around him and he just wanted a sounding board or 'supply' from me. I can't even remember when he ever did anything for me out of the goodness of his heart unconditionally, just to make me happy. Love is a two way street. Do something unconditionally for someone you love and maybe you'll learn what love is supposed to look like
Exactley
The narc. Can not do something nice ever because they are self centered and selfish
She broke up with you because you drove her away and I imagine she is completely crushed and exhausted.
Well that was a helpful comment. You said that out of spite!
If you met someone who actually loves you - and also is willing to walk that extra mile - you probably would not trust that, and you would push her to the point where she would leave - not because she found you unlovable, but because tough love is needed - boundaries are needed, selfrespect and selfprotection is needed.
I agree 100%
Yes
He has to put you below himself, so your ego will suffer ( of who you are).
You will feel unloved and he will feel he has you under control which makes him feel safe.
He feels lovable if you suffer emotionally :)))
You has to be below him at all times.
It will do damage to your self esteem and you as a person.
You will loose who you are - will be a shell of a person, walking on eggshells and that's how they can function.
There is no love in a relationship with narcissist.
You are there to soothe their anxiety, fill up missing self and be a "thing" that makes them feel good.
As soon as dopamine stops from your presence they move onto next victim.
Really nothing to do with you ( external object).
Listen to Sam Vaknin if you want to learn more.
The moment you put boundary - you are out.
They are enraged in a second and might think of it as a chalenge to break.
And they have other people in a matrix almost all the time.
Pretty much sum up of all narc videos I was watching ( narc themselves, not victim channels).
If you are not a cluster B - GET OUT, STAY OUT!
They are too broken for you to swallow.
They don't want out - but you to come to their horror movie.
Your Welcome!
@@NMTDelightfulMusic accurate 💯
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”-Carl Jung
That’s the first step.
Then it’s the tough work changing the ingrained patterns through intentional efforts and repetition. I’m trying to change myself too.
If she broke up with you, she probably is sad. It's an ending to something that could have been.
Of course, she is sad, but perhaps also relieved if there was a lot of stress for her.
Leaving doesn't mean she found better - it only means she wasn't happy with the relationship.
A lot of narcissists push people away as if to test how much crap they'll tolerate. This is their quest for unconditional love, however, in the process of doing so, that other person must lose themselves.
Sad but true
i agree it is a self destructive behaviour that narcisist do with themselves but destroy the partner in the process
evryone who has enough empathy but still decide to break up is feeling sad , angry and guilt af ! it is an inner struggle with your toughts and feelings thats why it take a long time to heal .
and this is the reason why dating someone or moving on so fast is a red flag.
I totally agree. As someone who was stressed nearly every day from my ex narc's abuse. The relief is weirdly almost as strong as the heartbreak after the discard. But I was broken up with by him multiple times...so I feel a lot of numbness too. I know I should have walked away after the first breakup. And not let him love-bomb me back in. But I wanted to believe it would get better. I wanted to believe he wasn't the narcissist I was learning about.
I asked him whether he tested me by doing so much crap, but as he didn't like to be anaylzed (of course, nobody could possibly understand him and his insane genius!), he dismissed these interpretations everytime haha. It's fine though. I just wanted to see if he could accept at least some of my words or maybe it gave something to think about for later (or not).
“I want them to do what I say, and I also want them to fight back. I want them to be their own person, but I can’t view them as their own person. I want them to be my equal, but I also can’t stand for someone to be my equal…”
Fuck is right. We feel it, too…
And, hell no. Sometimes we have to break it off not because we don’t love you, or because we think we are “better” or could do better (we don’t think hierarchically like that), but because you weren’t treating us right. And it breaks our damn hearts because we know the reason you’re not treating us right is that you don’t love yourselves…
You say you’re a monster, and then you try to prove it to yourselves-and us. We try to show you that you’re not, but we risk losing ourselves in the process. Ultimately, self-love and forgiveness and allowing yourself to be human are things you have to do for yourself. It’s not a battle we can fight for you (though believe me, we would if we could).
Sorry if I’m ranting… clearly thjs topic is near and dear to my heart. I appreciate your candidness about your experience in this video. ❤
Haha don't worry about ranting. Everything you said is true
That’s a full on comment. That’s really heavy. And true
That is a description of crazyness - they are lunatics :)
I wish there was something I could do for my ex boyfriend. It's so heartbreaking to listen to him saying: "I'm an epic failure." He's not aware of being NPD. Or at least he's not open about it and I have never called him one either. I really think his bipolar diagnosis is wrong and that he's "just" NPD. Because sometimes self reflection ends up in depression. And when the ego is "big" he could be recognized as hypomanic.
You can love someone from a distance if the person you love can't or won't let your love in.
I know but it's so hard to internalize
Someday I hope you will learn to trust and internalize it… Because it is real and true.
They don’t feel glad. They feel sad because they couldn’t fix it. 😅The Empath always is attracted to the Narcissist. We want to heal and understand. Sometimes it’s out of our jurisdiction. 😣
She is hurting still. 7 month's later.she can't understand that you love her yet your actions don't feel that way.
hurt, we feel hurt. because we went into this relationship wanting it to work , trying to prove to them that we did love them with all of our hearts but eventually comes a point where you cant stand shit anymore and you cant be a doormat for someone else's inner demons. Their comes a point where we cant be stepped on anymore bc we literally feel like trash, not worth of attention or love. Persons that end up with npd persons generally have in some degree copdepedency issues, so its a match in heaven. Its crazy. But know that even though we break up it tears us appart and we feel really really sad and heartbroken wishing things could have been different.
I'd say NPD w/ a codependent is more a match made in purgatory. I don't really believe in that, but it gets the point across. My ex cheated w/ a crazy young thing who also had some sort of personality disorder. Something like histrionic, maybe NPD, but even more lacking in empathy than he was. He admitted he got a real taste of his own medicine.
This is why I listen to "sef-aware narcissists". You have answered so many questions.
Thank you!!!!
I thought narcissists cannot be self aware...
Your self awareness is so cathartic, thank you for opening up and sharing
People who do the breaking up can 100% be just as heartbroken. I think one of the hardest things to do is to walk away from someone that you still love, but that isn’t good for you. At least that’s been true for me.
But I know you mentioned having difficulty believing that someone could actually care for someone and still choose to leave.
Maybe try to imagine that as much as you understand how complex your own emotions are, that is a universal experience. We all have conflicting, fluctuating, and sometimes contradicting feelings.
I really think this is where grandiosity gets in the way because of the incorrectly assumed uniqueness of your deep, emotional experience and insight and not seeing other people as full people who’s emotions are just as complex.
Your ability to self reflect makes you worthy of love. It may take time to accept that.
It breaks my heart hearing this because I hear at the core someone who feels they're so, as you said, unlovable - and I see someone who is! I'm fairly certain my ex is probably NPD, but I don't think he'll ever get help to even see/self-search but this is so reminiscent of him. I saw someone so lovable and worthy of not just mine but his own, but he didn't and it took so much work on my end - work eventually broke me down and had to end. I loved him, but never had any opportunity to express it between his own projection to me and never just.. asking me. But you both are worth love and work, but that work and love have to be mutual. I'm sorry for your breakup and the grief that ensues.
I broke up with him, so to answer your question, for me: I was pretty devastated but for a variety of reasons. I didnt want to be without him, I still don't, but how things were occurring was also immensely painful, esp being lashed out. But it was clear right then it wasn't going to healthy and I didn't want that for us, for me.
Maybe she could love you, but she couldn't make you feel loved.
You’re so right
Maybe she’s hurting and sad because she felt like she had to make a decision she didn’t really want to make.
Maybe she’s disappointed because she felt like she failed somewhere
Maybe she feels relief because the stress was to high.
Sometimes breaking up with someone isn’t a judgment on the other person….is just because the situation as a whole isn’t healthy.
You're really tugging at my heartstrings LOL
I did the breaking up, but then again, I realized he already had other supply (he got married right after I left him) and I’m sure he discarded me because he was done using me as a main supply, but I was not going to take his abuse anymore and I left. I had the worst year of my life after that. I was shattered to the core. Never had such a low point ever. No break up ever hurt me like that one. I was devastated because I loved him so much, but he pretty much spat and laughed in my face by disrespecting me over and over through words and actions both and I knew that I did not deserve that.
Thank you for sharing this. Is so real, raw and vulnerable and it takes such bravery and strength to be so open. I appreciate you!
Walk beside a woman not in front or behind 💯🙏🏽
I really appreciate you explaining this.
I’ve listened to countless videos, but I never felt like I understood my ex more than I do now.
So thank you.
She meant the world to me but it was killing me to stay involved with her. She wouldn’t get treatment. And getting her to communicate was harrowing.
She did email me on last time before I had to do the full no contact thing telling me she felt like she was on auto pilot most of the time…
You said something that reminded me of that.
I don’t think there’s much I wouldn’t have done for her if she would’ve just been willing to learn how to talk to me. It was a lot.
I’ve tried to stop loving her but I can’t. I’ve loved her for most of my life. I just can’t ever see or speak to her again…
I told her in spite of everything she was the love of my life. She said that I was the “only” love in her life and that she didn’t think “someone like her was capable of love”. I’m not sure if that’s true or not but I am inclined to believe it… in a way. She prided herself in “not believing in love” and actively seemed to have fought having feelings for me.
Anyway, been about a year and a half since no contact started. And she… certainly tried to make me pay for it.
Long story… for an already very long comment. 🙃
Thanks again for explaining this.
Thanks so much! and thank you for sharing! I hope your healing is going well. It's nice hearing things like that cause it's so easy to feel worthless to someone haha
What narssist need is connect to theirself and emotions rather than finding other half to complete themselves. Same for those who date with them as empath….two beggars were met that's what I felt from my own experience.
You can be loveable but if you can't love back, it won't matter. I loved my narcissistic ex boyfriend a lot but his inability to truly love me back or genuinely love himself made it so exhausting that I had to detach. It's about exhaustion more than loveability
PS you're saying so many things in almost his exact words that it's almost surreal
Yes, it's about exhaustion for for sure. I understand that it's not my boyfriends fault that he's like this. But he's trying to live in a fantasy world that everything was fine when he grew up and it was not. And trying to convince someone of the opposite is cruel. So I guess I had to just let him continue living his fantasy without me. Or, is it more cruel to leave him in his fantasy...?
I still love my narc ex but accepting his emotional unavailability made me break my own heart every time.
I relate to total disconnect between emotions and events. I'd be angry and not know wtf my problem was and used to get so irritated with myself and others when they would ask what's wrong bc I didn't have a clue yet always had an answer for everything else. I've never struggled at all to articulate or express ideas, thoughts, or highly complex processes with fast moving parts. I've improved on the emotional side of understanding but even after years of therapy, still get occassionally stumped and have to spend time in reflection or get feedback to gain awareness. Maybe a cluster B thing.
Also, I was once told ... the more you try to gain control and dominance over external variables and people instead of getting a grip on the internal chaos actually troubling you, the less real power you have and the less trust and respect you'll get from others. Power comes from being in control of yourself, only then can you exert it outwardly in any meaningful or effective way with good outcomes for others involved as well.
so interesting, thanks for sharing. and there can be lack of language for feelings in general. in the past I used to intellectualize a lot, and I literally didnt understand what people meant when they said that I'm not feeling my feelings but only speaking about them or sth. now I'm so emotional, and I have so much catching up to do because I didn't learn how to normally deal with them in the past lmao (yup, you'll feel stupid for some time)
you have to really love yourself and see that you have a lot of admirable qualities. No one is going to get with you if they do not like you or have feelings for you. If they do than that says more about them than you . if she is capable of expressing her emotions and if she got with you for the right reasons She feels a combination of things, sad that it is over. and unfortunately a little relieved that she is not being tested. That was not a diss at you. One of the many things that I have learned from you is the reason why NPD test people. It has helped me find compassion for them and understanding. On the other end, if someone that loves you is constantly testing you
its very frustrating because you are like What more can i do to prove or show you .
It’s really the saddest thing about it, it feels like the other party can never do enough ya know??
It's exhausting being her, I know been there, but doesn't mean she doesn't love you as she will be hurting really bad over break up.
Those who decide to break up - they suffer too. I broke up with me ex boyfriend who was narcissist and by next 2 years I missed him every day , I cry very often, I was depressed. I loved him truly, almost unconditionally.
but I knew also that I have to leave him and walk away to have peace in life and stable mental health.
How would she be feeling? That is the million dollar question, buddy. You could ask, and listen to what she says...
but that would be vulnurable!
I appreciate the honesty, this is a pretty vulnerable video to post.
Even if they broke it off, its still the death of a relationship, a normal response pretty much follows the stages of grief, so if you look that up youl know how shes feeling bro, keep up the good work..i love that you provide a bridge and show the condition for what it is rather than the hate filled vicim community.
Thank you so much. Understanding is an important step of healing imo
I think she’s sad too. Cause maybe she realises her helplessness, that she can’t change how other people operate. And maybe she thinks that if it hadn’t been for the disorder maybe be everything would be different and could work out. I think she likes some of your parts but at the same time she realises that your other parts will hurt her and that she has to take care of herself and her life first. This is something that I felt when I had to stop dealing with a guy whom I suspect of having narcissistic traits.
Trying to reflect on how others may be feeling is a good idea. It may feel weird, unsatisfactory and clumsy at first but I think it's like others skills and it gets better with consistent practice.
Sorry you're dealing with a breakup. It sucks. Some of my worst, most grief-stricken breakups have been when I've been the breaker upper.
Thanks so much. And you're right, even in recovery it's something I still neglect. I only think about what they think about me
I have watched a few of your videos, and I appreciate you sharing your candid thoughts about NPD. I am realizing the challenges I have had recently with someone with these characteristics. I know it was the best decision to leave because I was about to go through an emotional roller coaster ride.
Keep sharing and healing....it will also help others on each side of this.
It’s like the more you psycho analyze yourself, the more psycho you get. It’s like driving a car down the highway and constantly looking at the road directly in front of you instead of looking ahead.
That's so fucking true
why? I found it gives me some understanding to deal with stuff better. why do you feel like you're losing control instead, is it because of lack of spontanity and immediate reaction to stuff?
Out of all your videos I've watched so far THIS ONE I comprehended the most. 😂
This video is amacing to be honest. The selfhate, unability to thrive when beeing treated as a lovable person, thus needing to act out and the frustrations from all of that. Learning to love oneself is needed - it can not come from the outside because you will just act out when inner and outer frequency does not match. This is true for everyone but in case of NPD its much more destructive / chaotic.
Wow this is so provocative and helps me to put my situation into perspective.
You're doing so much better than my malig narc. You see previously hidden pieces, how they were maybe hanging together, and how they need to hang together. You see that you must accept the responsibility/blame for certain things.
Most people never find the perfect partner, or the perfect anything. And relationships are always vulnerable to change and the partners getting out of step. As is written on the walls of the universe, " 'Good enuf' is the only choice you get." But then, maybe with a small amount of delusion and love, 'good enuf' can morph into something better, something that kinda fills you up and might kinda stand the test of time. 'Course, "you have to really want it."
This video was a good one. Thanks
On point. There is so many contradictions going in your head. I have read the study explaining the mental and tought process going in your minds . It is very complicated and complex process. Understanding that process for me ( empaths) it is very and extremly encrypted for us to understand and have idea of the bigger picture as very often the person changes dependind on the situation. And we empaths try to find and connect to you on dipper levels as we can sense that there is a void inside. But we keep searching and we try to expierience the real you as another being and ofter we are able to read and detect when you tell us a lie or are not honest with us. We can detect that emotionally but there is so much confusion in that that we have to process exerything much slower and it takes a long time for us to just move on and start fresh.
Thanks for your vulnerability, Jacob; it is super helpful.
You’re gonna get through it bro focus on yourself king be the best you and you’ll attract someone better I promise
Even the fact that you are questioning the way your brain works is a step in the right direction. Your ex girlfriend probably loved you more than you can comprehend. I loved my ex with my whole heart. Being a narcissist would have come in handy so that I didn’t have to feel the heartbreak 💔 I hope you find happiness and learn to love yourself.
We’re so so sadden to have to give up on a relationship, having to admit to ourselves that the situation is ‘above my pay grade,’ i.e.: lacking necessaries for the relationship to ever be fruitful or even happy, for that matter, for any length of time for whatever reasons...= ur better off with someone other than me. No winner, no one not sad.
Thanks a lot for sharing this. It felt real, and raw.
I hope you can sort your emotions out one day, in the way that it feels right to you.
I have more understanding now, of what might be happening in someone’s brain with npd attached to it. It is helpful.
Watching you clearly struggle made me look at my narc ex from a different perspective. As someone who initiated the breakup, albeit in frames of a reverse-discard I can tell you I felt overwhelming sadness. I was devastated that all my efforts weren’t enough to keep the relationship alive. I kept replaying every conversation we had wondering if it was all one big lie.
I wanted to make him happy more than anything, but seeing how his actions kept hurting me I had to choose myself. Emotionally I wanted to stay and fight a bit more, but rationally I knew that I’d be doing a dishonor to myself if I did.
4 months post breakup and I can tell you that after a cycle of sadness- self-blame- anger and nostalgia I now wish nothing but for him to be able to reflect on his patterns and hopefully one day change and obtain the ability to be contempt with himself not only for the sake of his own happiness but also for the sake of the next person he chooses to date. I think it’s inevitable for other parties to initially view narcissists as vile, evil people but the more I watch your videos the more I’m able to see the struggles that come with this diagnosis.
I hope that you too will be able to overcome your struggles one day.
Omg this freed me. Thank you. Thank you so much.
I really feel for you as well as my ex husband/best friend. I was so mad one time during our divorce I asked him “aren’t you tired of being loved by nobody and hated by many?” I really felt so bad that I threw that. I do still love him but I cannot survive with him. I just can’t anymore. I’m so sorry.
4:19 I'm laughing with you dude as I come to these realisations myself 😆
@3:33 THE. MOST. PROFOUND. THING I’VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY.
I thought so too....I wish more people would ask themselves this question before getting involved with others
great video as always, keep it up
As a person who just broke up with a narcissist who also pushed me away, I am devastated. It's not fun loving someone who doesn't love you back. So, I know this is from awhile ago, but I am sure she was hurt at the time and didn't want it.
Good on you, I’ve recently done the same too!! hope your doing well ❤
Very enlightening. Thank you for sharing
Now I see other people feel and act like me.😮 Thanks for being so open.
How is she feeling? I can’t say for sure but I can tell you how I felt when I broke up with the ex narc. Absolutely devastated. He didn’t see it coming and neither did I. He instigated a fight with me over something that was so unfathomably ridiculous and absolutely refused to acknowledge how hurtful it was. He was devoid of empathy, took no accountability, gave no credit to anything with respect to how I felt. He literally turned into a stranger before my very eyes - the mask was fully off. It was then that I knew i had reached a point of no return with him and it was either stay and be subject to constant dysfunction or make the jump and leave. I chose the latter and it was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done.
It pained me unlike anything I have ever felt because I truly loved him with all my heart- at one point I had even offered to go to therapy with him or at least support him through it and he said ‘no.’ So what was I to do, because i knew he would have eventually destroyed me the same as he did his ex wife, ex girlfriend, ex doormat, etc. We are all simply objects and discarded casualties in his life and he is ‘ok with it,’ literally.
It’s been a year and two months since I walked away /last contact and I still think of him more frequently than not. Do I still love him? Yes. Will I ever connect with him, again ? No. I understand his narcissism well enough to know at some point, he would likely attempt to exact revenge on me and there would not be enough love in the world for him to stop himself.
So if you want to know what you ex-girlfriend is thinking / feeling, maybe give that some consideration.
This is exactly what has just happened to me only 9 days ago. Devestation but I know I deserve better the disagreement of you call it that it was more his picking at something that was so silly, it was ridiculous but the rage when trying to ask for a conversation to validate my feelings was way too much. Mask was off.
@@foden850 totally understand and I’m sorry because I know the struggle and pain you have been going through and will continue to experience despite knowing the truth of it. It’s going to be important that you wrote every single incident down because after you get done with being hurt and angry , you are going to feel guilt and shame about how you handled things and you will blame yourself and start to look for reasons why you might have made a mistake … you will consider going back if you have not already. This will be a mistake. I never broke ‘no contact,’ even with his attempt to reach out because by that time I had done my research - and I also spoke with his ex - I know beyond a doubt he would have quickly made me his doormat had I opened the way for him to come back.
So it’s almost been a year and 1/2 since the breakup - I’ve been in psychotherapy for 1/2 of that time. I haven’t fully healed, but I am getting there. I still think of him more often than I’d like, but I am now starting to border on indifference. It actually makes me a bit sad, because I had known him more than half of my life and it’s hard to believe I could have loved someone the way I did and for him now to be so irrelevant in my life… it’s like some distorted dream. I’ll always love the shared fantasy of what we had, but there’s no going back to that ever now.
Same thing with me this past weekend !
Thank you, so much, for sharing your thoughts on this. It helps me to understand a little bit more about certain aspects of my situation. Mainly what was really behind some of the feelings expressed to me in our constant cycle that just left me more confused and questioning everything.🥃
I'm glad! I think that's the valuable thing about my stuff, you already know the behavoirs, but not the why and the feeling
Yes, we feel very hurt and sad because we wanted it to work but sometimes love is not enough. My ex narc had some much rage in him because he couldn't control my every move, thought and word. He said , I want this relationship to work. Yes, he wanted that by smothering me. I loved him so much and I think a part of me always will but I love myself much more. He had absolutely no respect for my boundaries. So, yes it is like having a pet tiger....impossible to deal with. Sometimes we have to walk away to save our heart❤ but just know, it really does hurt us deeply. I'm still in shock to this day as to how he treated me. We tend to recall all the great times but it is so important to recall how many horrible times there actually were.Kudos to you and for doing what you do for this community.
I couldn't convince him I loved him for him because he was convinced I couldn't. Your on the right path.. If it helps I love him, don't hate him. But I know it won't work . At least your getting therapy that will help. Give it time. ❤️
aw thank you
"What are my goals in relationships? What the fuck do I want? I want them to know me but I don't want them to know me, I want them to know I'm unlovable but I still want them to love me" fucking everything you say here I relate to.. and honestly, the person I've been seeing says I put him AND myself in double binds A LOT.. I didn't realize I even did this. A lot of the things I want are so contradicting too, and it's like having two fucking minds (been told this a lot) it's fucking madness! I wish I knew how to rewire my brain not to be this way! holy hell, man. It's so exhausting.
"I wish I knew how to rewire my brain"
To me a lobotomy still isn't out of the question lmao
Discouraged. She might be feeling discouraged. She really likes you and wanted to find some kind of path forward despite challenges on both sides but found out that love is not enough to overcome personality disorders, so she may also be feeling like she lost some self esteem (which maybe was a little bit too high in the first place).
Don’t give up Jacob. Keep doing what you’re doing, I think you’re doing the right thing you’re doing it really well considering.
I’ve been with my partner going on nine years and he is only barely now becoming self-aware. I have known about his NPD for years. He has not.
In my experience with my ex who had narc tendencies, I tried to pass every test he threw at me until he just got violent with me and kicked me out so that he was sure I'd leave. Made me feel like I failed his inner child, and wasn't able to prove to him that he's worth loving. It makes me wonder if someone with narc characteristics getting violent is a different type of pathology or if it's just a more extreme version of the same pathologies that you're talking about.
The tests just keep escalating to fulfill our assumptions about ourselves
@@Thenamelessnarcissist that makes sense, thank you!
Same exact thing happened to me , he kicked me out, cursing me and throwing my things out of the door..
So sad, but that makes sense @Thenamelessnarcissist
It's interesting how you mention all the things I had issues with about my ex narcissist. He would know and agree that we were equals in the relationship, all the while he would do things that would ensure that we were not equal. One of the things that hurt the most was when he would snap at me over literally nothing. Just small talk. I'd ask him a question, simply being curious about what he was up to, and he'd get this tone of voice like he was super annoyed with me. Like how a sibling would react if you barged into their room. Only I wasn't barging into his room. And I'm not his sibling. I was his partner. It's great that you're at least self-aware, and that you're using this awareness to teach others what to look for in narcissistic relationships. Not all narcissists can say that about themselves. Keep doing what you're doing.
And for the record, the first time we broke up, I was the one who broke up with him. It was SO hard to do, and I was incredibly heart-broken. But then he found his way back in. And over the course of four years, he would break up with me multiple times, always reeling me back in after I almost got out. It was torture. I kept wanting to believe that "this time he's going to change". But nope, never.
Hurt but also relieved. It’s emotionally exhausting dealing with a narcissist. There is a type of peace that comes with leaving but there’s also loneliness that causes sadness for what could have been which a person would rather deal with than be emotionally abused all the time.
Like the story, woman finds snake frozen, takes it inside to help it, snake bites her, she asks why, snake says you knew i was a snake when you found me.... also there is self sabotage from mistrust to be in control.
Reflecting on how someone else feels is hard unless we ask. We can assume many things and never really know the truth. Not having closure sucks and sometimes that's what we must deal with. I have struggled with this and found comfort in moving on and doing me. This is the one choice I have control over when all is said and done. This is my experience anyway and may not be anyone elses.
It has also been mine. I appreciate you saying that it is the one thing we can control as I never saw it that way before.
Thank you for acknowledging that my message gives you another perspective that you haven't seen before.
I think it is possible you are better off than some non NPD folks because you have some self awareness. I wish you the best. Keep working on yourself.
Such a genuine video
I admire the self reflection and putting yourself in the other persons shoes. If you do that more often, your personal and romantic relationships will be that much better. You got this bro. Even empaths have issues and deal with shame, but our shame I would say comes from how we let people treat us, compared to shame from the opposite end of how cluster bs or personality disorders reflect on how they treat the others (even if its a tiny minority). For example, Ill reflect and have shame that this person I cared for treated me like complete shit and that I let her do it instead of standing up for myself.
Its the need to control. I never knew how many things are in jeopardy when you give into someone who value control over ANY & EVERYTHING. When its so embedded, that you cant fathom the mental state of someone who have the need to control while they cant imagine that everyone else is not like that. So they are always paranoid someone is trying to do to them what they do to everyone. It just seems like its a person with a mind stuck in an eternal, toxic loop. Because of how my mind work, I have compassion for those who operate like that because it seems like a miserable soul, but I have to feel this way from a distance. Its too dark to go down that path with them.
Was was probably relieved because her nervous system could go back to normal not having to be in constant fight or flight but I’m SURE she was hurt and I’m SURE she was sad
It’s really hard to let people go even if we know it’s so the best for your mental health
Sometimes we don’t want to leave but we feel we have no choice so we can be healthy ourselves
But when you loved someone and invested so much into them, it always feels sad when you leave
As a co-dependent having just been broken up with by a narcissist, I can say that I at least feel some relief surrounding the fact that eventually my constant fight-or-flight mode will finally calm down, and I'll revert back to a healthy state of being. It hasn't yet because I'm still living with him, and he only just broke up with me a few days ago. For the fourth time no less. But the rest of me is devastated. Yet this time I feel more numb than ever, because I've gotten so used to him discarding me, if that makes sense...
@@BlinkinFirefly it absolutely makes sense, do what you can to move away from each other because that’s a recipe to get back together. You deserve peace , respect, and real love and care, please value yourself and do what’s right for you, your body, and your future 💖
Thank you, your words mean so much. I'm trying. I will get out
I was crushed when I had to break up with a narcissist boyfriend. I didn’t want to leave him, but he gave me no choice. He would not accept my love for him, flaws, and everything. Some of us love to your soul, not your actions. But we need it reciprocated. So we need to break it off otherwise it’s a one-sided relationship. 😢
8:13 I get what you are saying. It sounds like she was in a double-bind situation where she may have loved you, but if she stayed, it wouldn't have been an act of love on her part but rather a form of enabling and codependency. In that sense, sometimes people love each other but still have to leave because it's the loving thing to do. It's a very tough and heartbreaking situation.
While breakups suck, at least you seem to be trying to be as honest as much as you can and trying to hold yourself accountable. It is also good you are trying to put yourself in her shoes. Even though you got a little thrown off when it came to empathizing, honestly, it's extremely hard for a many people to be truly empathetic when in emotionally fraught situations. The main thing is, it's good you took a moment to try to empathize and were able to recognize it's an area where you can work on yourself to show up better.
In that sense, even though it may feel like you've messed up yet again, by your own admission, it's not exactly the same as previous experiences. That's a good thing. Apparently, you are now are able to have a better objective understanding of your situation(not knee-jerking to self-esteem regulation) and even identify areas where you could do better in the future(working on developing empathy for the other person). You seem to be earnestly trying to hold yourself accountable to yourself.
I think it's important to keep in mind that, for most people in the modern age, whether you are neurotypical or not, human relationships are difficult to maintain and take trial and error before one finds success. Plus you are building a muscle/skill set that is still very much a work in progress. Those kinds of things take time to build up momentum and strength. So even though it probably feels sucky right now, keep working on it, and don't give up on yourself. What you seem to be striving for, while perhaps difficult, is both reasonable and very possible for you to achieve. You will get there. You can do it.
It's fair to say that there are levels to narcissism, just like some empaths have more empathy then others but why? It's the trauma or upbringings being worse then others idk but there are worse narcs then others!! Im glad ur self aware enough to get help, u realized u had a problem and took action!! That's something my ex I feel like would never do n it breaks my heart! I sometimes wish I could feel nothing like her maybe it's better to live numb!! Her imperfectly perfect self image and thinks she's the prettiest broken girl on the planet but deep down she is really insecure and flawed!! She knows it but won't tell u this in her reality nothing she says or does is wrong, the convos are exhausting to say the least it's basically her speaking about herself and or someone else who is doing something she deems stupid blah blah blah u get the point!! I love how she would project alot saying I couldn't even hold a convo or shed say u just wanna sit in the house and watch movies ur so boring when in reality it's her who is keeping me from doing anything by controlling me n keeping out if sight in fears people will tell me things or I'll leave for another girl who knows! I can't imagine the things that happened to her but it's no excuse to shit on the only people who truly care bout u n love u no matter what just disgusts me to no end n I'm done putting up with her torturing me off n on!! She loves getting the last laugh so immature prideful and egocentric it's annoyingly sad and it took yrs to finally say enough is enough!! She didnt think id ever leave which is why the bs didnt stop!!! I miss the good times but the bad are overwhelmingly stuck with me since the pain was so intense!! I told her to go to therapy but she will never admit she needs it a real level 5 narc who destroys anything she touches!!
I broke up with two narcissists that I really loved. And I will tell you my feelings when I broke up with them.
Disappointment.
Sadness.
Stupidity.
Anger.
Acceptance and letting go.
Disappointment: that it could have been beautiful, but they trashed it. They turned gold into trash.
Sadness: they jeopardized their own chance, and our chance, to be happy.
Stupidity: I chose poorly. My fault, for ignoring red flags and yellow flags.
Anger: they did this to the person who loved them the most. Who supported them through their low times and would have supported their entire life journey - had they not trashed it. To the person that loved and supported them, instead of reciprocating the love, they decided time and time again to lie to, breadcrumb, cheat, take the person for granted, and feel a “sense of fulfillment” that they had “outsmarted” their supportive partner. It’s actually sickening.
Acceptance and letting go: after a deep period of self-reflection, therapy, education, and praying to God, I learned to walk away at things and people that don’t serve me. I cut the cord emotionally and spiritually, and I walked.
I can relate to every word.
At least you wanted to go to counseling? I definitely lost myself in my relationship with my Ex Narcissist. My ex always had one foot in and one foot out. One minute he wanted to be there the next he wanted to be free. You're so much further ahead than the ones that don't think there is anything wrong with them. ❤
My ex narc was the same.
Had patterns, every summer he wanted to be free - causing arguments for stupid reasons, then making up as the summer starts coming to an end. I noticed the patterns last year and realised what was going on.
Until he finally said one day, he didn’t want to be with me. Shouting and verbally putting me down. It was June. Whilst all winter long he was spending every weekend at my home.
As I left, I told him “ I see u” and I walked away calling him a user.
He tried to stop me from leaving, but I told him I had heard enough.
I blocked him, but a message came through in my iPad 7 days later, saying he was wrong and wanted to talk. I ignored that text and have been no contact ever since.
I loved him and gave him 6 years of my life, time, effort and resources.
He was just waiting for something better I think.
Well I hope he finds it in time for this winter. Winter makes him depressed, sad and lonely, because it makes him reflect on all his losses…children, home, friends and the summer, he can have fun in the sun playing the single man going through his mid life crisis on his motorcycle.
I really am sorry that this happened and that you feel like it’s a “prophecy”. It never feels good to suddenly not have this person there that you’ve gotten close to. Have you tried active disputing (REBT) or Socratic dialogue/collaborative empiricism (CBT)? I just started studying these and they sound like they might be pretty useful in trying to sort things out. I appreciate you being this open about what it’s like on the other side of this. I always wondered. Probably a lot of people have. I know you posted this video a year ago. All the same, I hope you’re doing better today.
She’s probably hurt, i had to be the one to break things off with my ex who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. I had to leave he was running me into the ground, became a shell of myself, it’s been a year and I’m still recovering. Sometimes we just have to love ourselves more and make the hard decision to go.
this is good to know. My narc is so controlling. but he cant control me I'm my own person im more independant then him. hes so sad. I do love watching his eyes turn from narc to mask person. The narcs eyes are so empty and cold. but the mask eyes are so bright with light in them. its amazing
So maybe this can explain some things. The narcissist who was my partner recently discarded me. I'm talking, he made an excuse one night about going to a friend's house to go hiking the next day, and disappeared for nearly 2 weeks. No contact, no info about when he'd be back, he stopped paying his share of the bills and everything. We dated several years ago, but he dumped me out of the blue. I moved on, he hoovered, we ended up in a "situationship." We would have good points and really low points where he became very verbally and emotionally abusive to me or violent toward our dogs. Then he love-bombed, got me pregnant, then told me nothing would change about our relationship just because I was pregnant (as in, he wouldn't put for any effort to work on himself or treat me better or agree to be exclusive). Then he brought another woman around the house we shared, claiming she had been put out by her family and needed help getting back on her feet. She was an ex of his. I walked in on them having sex on my furniture. I ended up having a miscarriage, and during that whole thing he was unconcerned about me, the stress they were putting me through, the pain I was in etc.
I had already started to firm a plan to get away from him. However, because he could be violent I had to be careful. It took a few years to get to this point, where I knew I could remove him from my life safely and with a lot of support. So during this recent discard, I used the time to finally put my plan in place. When he did come back, I told him he was no longer welcomed and needed to figure out a new living situation. He refused to leave, my support system called the cops. Even though they couldn't force him to leave because of stupid squatter laws in this state, he seems to understand now that I really want him gone and will get my support system and the authorities involved if needed. He also seems to understand that the things he used to try to threaten me with won't work anymore. There's been a lot of Jekyll and Hyde behavior, a lot of useless "insults" thrown my way, but I haven't backed down. He is now out. I suspect he's not gone for good, but he isn't getting any more of my energy, no more access to our dogs, no more supply.
He did discard, but technically I initiated the official breakup by kicking him out. I Am sad, though not over him. I am grieving the years I and my pets had to endure his crap. I am grieving the time, energy, confidence, and self-esteem he stole through constant gaslighting. I am grieving my mental health, how I have been hijacked these last several years. And in a way, I'm grieving the loss of regular human companionship in my house. I'm sad and hurt and angry that I have to do everything alone now. Of course I realize now that I have been doing most everything alone for years, but it has taken finally being out to see and understand that.
And I'm angry that it feels like he did all this, caused all of this chaos and fear and struggle and pain for absolutely no reason, and is getting off completely free. It feels like he just gets to move on and live his life and doesn't have to answer to anyone for what he did to me or these dogs. He doesn't even have any lingering financial obligations. I can't say that everyone who finally breaks out of a narcissistic relationship experiences these feelings. I think many of us do. Breaking up with someone who has NPD isn't about finding someone better or thinking we're better or thinking the narcissist is worthless. It is about finally having the courage and support to do what is best for us before we end up in a situation we can't come back from. For me, it's about making sure I get away from this person and set boundaries of steel before he has a chance to unalive me or my dogs, then unhijacking my brain so that I can start to heal. It's about working to create an amazing life that doesn't revolve around or depend on anyone but me, because all humans deserve that. I'm not out seeking a new partner. That is the very LAST thing on my mind right now. I am just trying to create and stick to positive daily routines so that I can start to rebuild myself.
I have no idea if he feels anything about this breakup. I honestly don't care if he does or doesn't. Knowing either way won't help me move forward. I doubt he thinks he's done anything wrong. Or maybe he does but won't ever admit it. That is his burden to bear.
So yes, we DO feel something after these breakups, but in my case not for the narcissist. The sadness and anything else I feel are for MYSELF...all the feelings I couldn't feel for myself when he was here.
thank you sooo much!
This is interesting cuz, I just dealt with a narcissist who in-person acted like I was the best thing ever, told me she fell for me and that never happens with her, but then would blow me off for 24-48 hours 3 days at a time, then I caught her at her ex-husband's house she said she was doing laundry and left her phone at home but she was over there all day she didn't know I knew and back at 5 in the morning the next day when she blew off making plans with me both days, I wonder if anything's she said to me was real
You’re so funny! Yes laughing is a coping mechanism 😂
I have adults boys and l tell them:
life is hard, without Jesus, life is harder.
You should be proud of yourself for being aware of what is going on with your emotions!
sometimes we don't communicate well with one another.
Narcs need unconditional love.
And it's one way. They should crawl up in their mums womb
Can you go into detail on some of the ways you tested her and the way she responded? I'm sorry you're going through this. 🤗
Ughhhh. I might do that with some of my past relationships, this one is too fresh
Sometimes people abandon their loved ones because they're afraid of being abandoned first. Also, don't know if you've ever been involved in triangulation but would love to hear your perspective on it regardless.
This if fuckin so real ........ Wow thanks for helping those who don't think or believe they need it!!!!!! Many are in denial and refuse to seek help even if they just lost real love.....
Jesus. I can totally relate to everything.
From "alcohol makes me feel"
To "not having concious awareness of what im doing until after"
"I want them to be my equal, but not my equal"
" everytime she feels im perfect but I feel so broken"
"Every time I get into a relationship... this time, yeah this time I'm healthy... nope...
It's refreshing to hear all of this.... but at the same time it brings so much shame to the point of being suicidal.
I can’t say what she may be feeling but I can try to explain what I went through. It was the worse pain of my life, I loved him unconditionally and would have done anything for him. To have to walk away from someone I loved was the worst grief I’ve ever experienced. To mourn a person who is still alive is one of the saddest feelings ever. It’s been 2 years of no contact and the pain still lingers, I constantly wonder what I could have done differently. But in the end I know I had to walk away, I was losing myself to where I no longer recognized myself, I went completely numb from tolerating his behavior. I had to make peace with myself and walk away, as much as that pained me the peace I gained was worth it all. Living in a constant state of confusion, mind fuckery and anxiety was no way to live. I still have moments where I miss him terribly but I also know he hasn’t changed and probably never will unfortunately. I pray he finds peace enough to feel loved if only for a moment. If not from another person at least by himself. You are worthy of being loved, unconditionally and wholeheartedly, we all are ❤
This is so sad, I broke up with my bf a few days ago. He couldn't take responsibilty over his actions and got angry and annoyed when I brought it up. Unable to meet my needs. Do you have any idea if I could've handled it differently?
He's like. "I love you but can't meet your needs when you constantly bring up that I should be sorry for what I did in the past. It is what it is."
It's so sad. I have been so loyal and this breaks my heart.
I tried to say that I wouldn't have ended it if you could at least meet my needs for emotional connection. But since you can't this isn't sustainable.
I tried to say that you have the power to choose to do differently. You don't need to be triggered if I bring something up. But he has given up and now act like a victim. "I'm an epic failure." And don't show any emotions at all and says that if he did he would crash.
Oh sweetheart, you’re such a tortured soul. 😞
surprise surprise! we all contain multitudes. and sometimes they work against each other to secure our needs. IFS therapy (in combo with other modalities) helped me reconcile my internal inconsistencies and counterintuitive behaviors, and make the choices my regular-ass untriggered, calm self would wanna make.. our nervous systems are so used to firing in certain ways in certain situations... step by step homie. the insight and the healthy self-doubt/reality checking is there for you. just gotta tap in when it counts.
if i had tips on how to find the right partner i would give em ... i just know what has worked for me. some people dont mind dancing with the devil (as in, there are times we're both the devil to each other and we know what we've signed up for... ) but these people will be rare. and she def cannot and will not be "pure." she'll have fire in her belly and smoke around her heart.
So, is the love bombing phase a total 100% manipulation tactic to butter them up to control them later, or are there genuine positive feelings for the other person from the narcissist?
I feel a lot of what someone that feels devoit of love has to do is firstly love themselves. By loving themselves i mean appreciating life as it is. Maybe have a break from people for a bit. Then Maybe chose one person to go on vacation for a week, like a game, without expecting something out of it. You need to lessen the need for control somehow. enjoy things and find a purpose that only comes with calmness and then the internal feeling of sharing it. Another step is doing things without expecting any gratification from others. In reality i believe that each and every one of us knows what he needs and only he knows it without searching for outside validation.
You could ask her how she feels, if you gave yourself permission to connect to her feelings, you have permission to feel and connect to your true self. Your relationship to self and other are the same xxx
Keep working on yourself.
Confused. I bet she is confused as to ‘where did it all go wrong’... I am.. I genuinely appreciate the insight you are giving.
2 questions...
- when you drink does it allow you to ‘feel’ more?
- at the end you said “take your meds”.... are there meds available for people with NPD?
Thanks . Ps give her some space / time and she might turn around. Something in my gut tells me she will.