How to overcome guilt after leaving a narcissistic abuser
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- Опубликовано: 1 янв 2022
- It may surprise some survivors of narcissistic abuse that they feel guilty for leaving their narcissistic abuser. It actually makes a lot of sense. In the course of such abuse, the survivor often has to take responsibility for the emotional well-being of the narcissistic abuser...or else. Well, leaving can amount to "shirking" this responsibility. As a result, the survivor can feel to blame for any unhappiness shown by the narcissistic abuser. Watch until the end of the video and I'll provide 3 tactics to help you overcome such guilt so you feel free to leave the narcissistic abuser.
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I cried on my knees today for god to help me because I need the strength to let go and one hour later I’m here thank you so much for putting out these videos.
I feel you. I hope that a year later you are more free.
❤
Wow .. I’m going through the exact same thing.. I can’t understand why I feel so guilty and why I miss my abuser
Victims of Narcissistic abuse often dont have other safe people and its hard for them to judge on who is safe!
Agree. Would like to suggest you read books on Boundaries and watch videos too. I NEVER KNEW I had the right to privacy and what was improper and impolite for me to ask/share with others since my NPD parents never showed me any respect. Now I have learned so much and immediately bristle when someone violates my boundaries. Also have worked VERY HARD to no longer dump all my negative feelings on other people, as well. (After I got into therapy and realized my mom has used me as her therapist since I was a small child. She calls only to unload all her problems on me and makes me feel bad for days afterwards while I go out of my way to try and lift people up!) Learn about boundaries and regain faith in yourself to move forward with new friends. PS - This is also a section in Jay's course. Finding Safe People, which I intend to purchase this year.
@@firehorse9996 Thank you. From another Fire Horse🌻🌼🦋💗
Absolutely correct!
@@soniahathaway1 thx🥰
The most rewarding thing I ever said to my narc mother was "Its not my job to make you happy".
It feels like a tragedy indeed. My heart's broken but the longer I keep distance from my family, the more I feel like I'm growing into the person I'm meant to be. I also have the space now to recognize what was really going on. My heart breaks for my abusers too, knowing what they must have experienced to be the way they are and I still love them a lot, but not to the extent I'm willing to put my well-being at risk anymore. I'm done bending over backwards for people committed to seeing the worst in me and people who are willing to exploit the good in others. It's time for a new era
Love this so much! You couldn’t have described better… How I’m currently feeling
Wow you put that so well
I'm low contact with my whole family and in another country, it is very lonely, and I'm finding difficult to make friends, I have to stop myself from reaching out to my narcissistic mother because I have the urge all the time, but I know that after talking to her I feel so much worst and even more lonely. It is hard :(
You're not alone. I've found that making friends in support groups can be really fruitful and beneficial. 🙏
I can relate… I’m also in another country, and it can be lonely…
Be patient and kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and it takes time to get your strength back. You’ve already done the hardest thing by leaving. It’s been nearly 4 years for me and I’m still struggling but it’s getting better 💕💕
I recently went no contact with my whole family...it sucks some are nice people but most are narcs. It took awhile...but it's finally over!
How are you doing? ❤️
It's weird having someone describe exactly what I feel and why
Guilt. Stupid loyalty. Fear. All terrible.
FOG=fear, obligation, guilt.
Going no contact in 1995 I had very little guilt, because I owe nobody anything. In general people owe others nothing at all. The only time I believe people "owe" anybody anything is when they choose to have kids: you then owe your kids unconditional love and support. So I certainly don't "owe" my abusive and negligent "parents" anything at all! It was THEY who owed ME something, and they failed. So fuck 'em!
you got that 100% correct. well done!
👌💕
Thats where im at too... only took 55 years to get there.😂
Comments like yours bring true breakthrough in healing. Thank you for sharing.
This explains why as a child and young adult I had crippling homesickness at camp and sleepovers and even when I went away to college. Grief is easier than homesickness.
So interesting. I never experienced homesickness because every place outside my "home" was better than being at home.
I am going to take your online course in early summer, Jay! I am living paycheck to paycheck until I sell my house in April. Although my father never gave me an ounce of positive attention, yet gave out physical punishments & called me fat (although I wasn’t, but he convinced me I was), I am feeling guilt the last week because he is in the hospital. I have not spoken to him in several years as I am recovering with CPTSD. I left a msg last night though. Very hard.
Surgery Can be Terribly Painful, but it will Save Your Soul, it will Allow you to Feel Safe Knowing that the Person Looking Back in the Mirror when You Brush Your Teeth is Worthy of your Trust and Respect ♡
Jay, one heartbreaking thing that may never disappear though is this: in your no contact/finding yourself/loving yourself, that once you DO find yourself and love yourself and realize people actually love you uncondiitonally, you ALWAYS have this wish that you could SHOW the narcissists that people actually DO love you unconditionally and that you actually ARE a valued member of society. But its a Catch-22, because you want to maintain that no contact so how COULD you shove it down their throats that now you have found true self love and true love and true unconditional love from others WITHOUT breaking the no contact? You cannot. You cannot have it both ways , and so I am saying that it can never be perfect, you can never go back and "prove" to the narcisssists that now you are enlightened to this whole thing and that now you have full confidence and comfort being a member of the real world. Its the only regret I have: not being able to shove it down their throats. Not being able now as an adult to tell them off about everything they did, the abuse, etc. And it pisses me off from time to time to think that they are most likely still there living in their house far away saying to themselves that I am just a selfish asshole who abandoned them for no reason and that they are either that stupid or willfully blind and it bothers me that people can live out their whole lives like that NEVER seeing or understanding what they did wrong. I have thought once or twice about sending an anonymus letter from a fictitious agency called "US Department of CHild Abuse" and in the letter it would sim ply state: YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY ON 3 COUNTS OF CHILD ABUSE, BOTH PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL. Just to give them a shock, just to get those words into their minds, even if they throw it in the garbage and realize it was fake.
I really relate to what you say. I’ve felt this way too, although I still have a lot of work to do I my healing. I did see someone say once “The closure is in your silence.” And that helps me. ❤️
It seems to me it is very hard to absolutely give up the hope that the abuse parent(s) will somehow be brought to see the pain and damage they inflicted clearly and along with that to comprehend you true worthiness of love. I believe that in many cases nothing will prove this to narcissistic parents. I sympathize with your feelings and desire for vindication.
I've tried that: I confronted my mother. It changed nothing. My mother is a covert narc, so she still uses this against me, poor victim she is, although I know it is ridiculous. Narcs are defective people, to and from the core. You CANNOT change them.
I totally understand…I was able to tell my abusive mother how I felt in childhood and beyond… it was important to me that she doesn’t get away with it, in a away, but most importantly I did it for my small sell - inner child, who knows I stood up to the abuser and that I will never be hurt again….
the last piece of the puzzle for me that took my whole life to really fully understand is that these sort of people act intentfully. they arent wrong by accident. they are wrong on purpose.
You explained my life so clearly. I was told I am selfish for so long yet since I was a child I tended my mother's needs. No longer. It made me chronically ill. 2022 is for healing 💫
Same!
It really sucks when it’s your own mom..
Same. I ve been selfish since I was 4 years old lol
Jay, tysm for addressing this, very relevant to those who had to cut off their entire friend or family circle in order to preserve their peace of mind. Happy New Year to you & all survivors of narc abuse, let this be our year of healing & prosperity.
Thank you and happy new year! I love how you explained this without using the concept of codependency. It’s so much more nuanced than that. You’re right. Having safe relationships makes a huge difference. I’m finally cultivating safe, reciprocal relationships and it has helped me turn a corner.
So so relatable 😌💗
Watching these videos from people like him Lisa romano etc. Is the only time I don't feel judged
This is beautiful, ppl love to make us feel guilty about walking away from narcissistic or evil ppl. Thanks for this video! GOD Bless u ❤️🙏❤️
The issue is my abuser will run around and call me mentally sick when I attempt to leave her. The uses toxic shame for me to stay. I am 5mo no contact after 40 years of abuse
Congratulations! Since you just made it through the holidays you can expect peace and calm until next Halloween - when pre-Thanksgiving hoover attempts begin. My mom always emails and tries to get another pound of flesh out of me at my birthday, when she promises to send a card if I call and listen to her Covert Narc guilt-tripping. No Thank You. Also watch out for THEIR BIRTHDAYS. Best of luck to you on your healing journey.
@@firehorse9996 oh her hoover is much more persistent than that. It's like a needy baby on my back. I don't feel this is anytime ending soon but I have to be strong. And yes they love birthdays!
Never made this connection, thank you for making this
My God. You must have gone through this to understand it so well. And there is nobody to run to that you can tell that can put them in thier place. Nobody to run to for nurture...... until you can do so for yourself.
Jay, I have never realized that am not alone in my struggle. I served my Narc wife her Divorce papers from the Court. She refuses to leave . I feel more like I a lion tamer not a husband. I am getting tons of abuse from her now. I have been married for 8 years and I can't take it anymore!
Good luck William with all your going through
Try to run from this woman woman. Sending strength and future happiness.
You sound kinda narcissistic. You are cruel to throw your wife out. Be a man, help her out, don't just throw her out. Narc
Thank you Jay for another video. I was thinking about my psychopath father yesterday and how he required me to be someone he wanted me to be in infancy, so he could do some bad stuff. He used to require me to see him as a good guy and even though I felt absolute terror of him, I waa required by him to act like we were Best buddies. This means I needed to shut down my awareness of my real feelings, and I came out of childhood thinking we were buddies when I was under 7 before he discarded me. We had some songs he used to play, tell me they were our songs I mean, about the 2 of us, love songs about love. I heard one of those songs recently and I cried, I thought how much I loved him. But then I caught myself, and realised I didn't feel love, I felt absolute blinding terror. But by some manipulations I was put in a position where I must fictionally adopt an attitude of love, and guilt towards him. None of it was mine, or actually real, but the feelings which come up many of which are his projections were extremely powerful so much so I can still be conned by them and think that's how I feel about him. So complex. Thanks so much Jay. Happy New year to you.
Happy New Year Jay! It is indeed amazing that as an adult my intellect understands that I was abused by my parents but the feeling of guilt and thoughts of 'what if I am the bad guy and they are saints' can so easily take over.
I agree
I love your term, 'Emotional Deprivation'. It seems to get to the heart of the matter. So the antidote is 'Emotional Abundance'?! 👋💃 Ole!
This message is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so much! Since the love bombing has started all over again I was feeling guilty about leaving. He really messes with my head. I’m done.
Annie,You deserve better 🙏
@@oscarwilliamson6163 Thank you ☺️
@@soulincommon You are always welcome 😊.I will be glad to know you.I am Oscar Williamson from Swansboro,NC.Are you on Facebook?
@@soulincommon Are you on Facebook?
@@oscarwilliamson6163 I’m not sure why my reply keeps getting deleted.
I wish I’d heard this 50yrs ago. I tried to leave several times but kept being drawn back. I had no self-confidence, was greatly overweight so getting a job was almost impossible.
My older brothers called me lazy and entitled. I had no one on my side, as usual. I didn’t believe that anyone would ever support me emotionally.
My New Year's resolution is to watch at least one Jay Reid video a day. Closest thing to real therapy in terms of reorienting my mind.
This is my exact situation with my mother and brother. I now know that it doesn’t matter. They will be okay.
She left the light on when she left. While this really annoyed me it was the last thing left of her presence when I woke up from sleep. Grief. The guilt from leaving my family behind was like this light, only way to move on is to get up (awareness of why), turn the light out (mourn), and go back to sleep (rest).
Wow!! This is so true!!! Thank you!!!
Jay you are the BEST!! 👏👏
You always have the perfect videos that I need at the perfect time!
Thanks for your enlightenment, wisdom and understanding!
Stay blessed! 🙏💜
Thanks for this video. I understand the concept and theory, but find it really hard to deal with the specific daily actions in a detached way e.g. when my narc father recruits other family members, lies and accusations, shames, rages, and how each of those abusive behaviours manifest in reality.
Great video as always. If I might offer some feedback - I notice that you've incorporated more jump cuts to eliminate any slip-ups or awkward pauses when speaking. While I'm not opposed to this I do think that using them sparingly is a better approach. Personally I like seeing you think through things and have meaningful pauses, even making mistakes and correcting them mid-stream feels more "complete" to me then cutting out all errors.
See what you’re saying…Might be a stylistic thing
I agree!!!
Lack of these pauses make it harder to listen and take notes actually. It is okay if videos are slightly longer
Wow! THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE AND IS ACTUALLY “A NEW NARCISSISTIC ADOPTIVE TOXIC TRAIT” THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND AND ULTIMATELY REALIZE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND MY NARCISSISTIC MOTHER. Thank You so much for this new Enlightenment on Narcissistic Abuse and toxic Relationship Awareness!!! 😊
You are very articulate and have a lot of good things. Yes it is a process!
Sorry but YA LOOK LIKE SUPERMAN TODAY!!! You're so handsome, God Bless ya!!! It's probably your beautiful soul light that's shining thru you....thank you for your compassion, understanding and healing your giving us....mucho lumination of blessings sent back to you Jay💫🤙🏽😇
I don’t think it’s fair to comment on his looks. I know I may sound like a total drip. If it was a woman therapist providing such quality free information imbued with integrity, I imagine comments on her looks would be a no-no.
Thanks Jay for your generosity.
House77 and all here-wishing you well on your healing journey.
Peace and Health to all for 2022.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 I know what you mean and it doesn't seem right to me either, especially when they have partners. I was going to mention that Jay looks very similar to a man I know and leave it at that.
I want to add that this person certainly isn't the only one who does it though, because I've been watching these types of videos for a long time, so must've read thousands of comments by now and I've noticed that many people comment on the particular therapist's looks, including men about beautiful women, as well as women in regard to other women's hair and so on. I'll think that someone is good-looking or beautiful or whatever, but leave it in my head.
Mind you, I have written comments on videos of a group of dancers who are extremely popular on Instagram etc! I recently found out that my favourite one has a partner, so I'm going to stick to commenting on the dancing, even though it seems more acceptable with dancers etc.
I even apologised to a man I know who is married for saying something about his looks (not too much), then found out that things are happening with him in regard to others, which means that I didn't need to worry. It's more about his partner though, as my exes all cheated on me, hence why I have empathy for them. ❤
Jay Reid, you are doing a service to humanity. My sincere thanks to you for the life-changing lessons you are posting. Because of you, I will know how to live. I wish I could be that useful for others. Thank you thank you and thank you.
I appreciate that
Great work. Thanks for sharing!
Really helpful, I'm making major strides with this and this channel is absolutely the helping hand that pulled me though. Thank you!
Jay, you are a rock star to me! Your talks give my childhood chaos structure and reason, to help me replace my childhoods thinking patterns w constructive patterns.
Woooow this resignated with me incredibly
Your part of my safe people ❤️
Jay! You used the same metaphor I use except I often say it's like turning an ocean liner around! 💐
Thanks Jay
Hi Jay your course sounds great as was this video. Will read your free book. I realised today when my therapist seemed to think that I needed to find some more positive ways and expectations of my relationship with my NM. I asked her if she knows about narcissistic abuse and No she doesn’t know much about it. She knows about inner child work and processing grief work but I’d that enough? I felt invalidated today and now may need to leave. I attend ACA and doing 12 steps! Finance is tight as a health worker and do it is hard to find a better therapist as they cost about £60 per session and I can’t manage it ! Or it seems to pay for your course - do for now thanks for the free stuff on RUclips. X
Thank you.
This helped a lot 😢
You are gold🏆
Thankyou so much for these videos. My life is totally changed. I resonate with 90% of the scapegoat videos. It’s like you are speaking what I don’t know to say. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
You are so welcome
Cheers to new higher vibrational social circles ✨🥂
Oh this is too good and right on time! Thank you, as I attempt to leave my narc spouse all of this is coming up, what is the group on FB please? I have a small group and want to share please!
I'm past the confusion, THANKFULLY🙌🙌🙌 Now I'm just annoyed and pissed moving into rolling my eyes and 'of course they did'. Their "logic" gives them away!
Brilliant
Confusing but exactly true.
They egineered me since birth to get this guilty over leaving them.
Insane! 😮
Really love all your work, this video included! But to add to the discussion I want to agree that it's a huge leap from being in narcissistic abuse, to leaving them, to connecting with safe others.
As you describe Jay, it's like turning round a barge, but I would say that barge is a thousand times the size of a regular barge..
Whenever I hear someone say they left a narcissistic relationship and then found the love of their life not so long after, or a group of safe friends.. all I can think is.. this person does not have serious trauma, they've experienced abuse, yes, but it has to be relatively mild on the spectrum of abuse.
I think many of us need to learn to distrust, more than learn to trust. That would be a really good starting point for us. Reach out, connect, but leave and keep leaving - anyone with serious abuse, the journey to healing is not quick, even with really good specialist therapy. So don't be disheartened if it's taking a long time.
Fortunately with excellent knowledge such as Jay's we're all getting there quicker!
I’m literally crying trying to leave for the I don’t know 10th time 😢
I think because I care so much and always have...i still have trouble with setting strong boundaries or walking away when it's not rational.
I don't know if I have spent longer than a year at a time out from under someone else's "rule." Their withholding of approval destroying my focus on my own life; preventing someone who could love me from being in their place, and still refusing to be warm.
This become even harder when your narcissistic parents get old...
One month out…it’s tough because we have two toddlers and the guilt of abandonment is hitting me , combined with her frail sorrys and come back
Do not abandon them. Make sure that you fight through every legal means at your disposal but first using a mediator to see your children regularly and be a part of raising them.
Don’t leave your children with them 😮😢
Holy jump cuts!!
It is hard. Because they keep playing nice
Just in time
Rebel like HELL!!! Its so fun guys
I keep forgetting it's a process.
Keep going.
Thank you for your guidance! But you’re easier to fallow or watch when you’re talking to us in a more authentic way. Don’t cut out so many pauses. I think it’s a little overwhelming. I guess maybe I am sensitive. 💋
Ungodly spiritual soul ties need to be broken.
I invite your listeners to read Alice Miller’s Book *for your own good* And *the drama of the gifted child* And gabor mate’s book *The myth of normal*
I very much look forward to joining your online class as soon as I am economically able. Thank you.
The only guilt I have is for my dad and my dog. I failed to shake off the triangulation and manipulation to make a difference for either. I'm worried the narcs will get away with everything because they think I'm a scared little boy. I've never been physical with any of these rats before and yet make sure.to remind me I'm not that sort of.person. all the while.letting me know how hard people they know are and how well connected they are and how they can get me run out of this part of England. Yeh
I had lot of reactive abuse meaning i was no saint at all yes i reacted poorly to the provocative behaviours he would scream in my face and push me away i would say dont touch me you can speak from a distance but he would corner me and say what you going to do? Im touching you look , then i would try to go away to my room or out of the house he then locked me inside so finally my blood got hot and i push him away when he was literally screaming at my face and poking my eyes or throwing things at me like even bite me then i would get angry and push him away and call him out of his name after he calling me terrible names, i do regret reacting i tried many times not to react at all and just be quiet but then he would call my mom out of her name and say terrible things against my family, im not proud at all of my reaction in fact i believe i was wrong but how to avoid such provocation? I left him finally cause i couldn't stand my reactive behaviour and be the one accused of not behaving properly afterwards, i love him but i dont like him anymore, i forgive him but now way i want that man back to my life, how to forgive myself for those reactions? Am i abusive? Am i toxic? I cant believe i fell for such traps would any human react better than me? I bet they would
Yep, they fighting again
I feel soo bad hurt and i m crying so hard that i left them i think i m the bad guy for leaving them safe me😭😭😭😭
Wow… I tried to mother my mother into being a mother… it’s slave-conditioning… it’s like the only way to do “right” is be a martyr or you’re not a good person… it’s like how so many religions involve human sacrifice, including Christianity… but the hierarchy system of slavery is found in many kinds of religions (which was original government of small tribes)… like India with its caste system is based in karma/reincarnation… the lower castes made to feel that it’s their “karma” that put them in the terrible position… it’s like the animals slaughtered for sacrifice to “God” in religion becomes sacrificing to a false-idol parent… the scapegoat analogy… for those of us who made it out alive, versus the scapegoats that are actually killed (like in the Jewish tradition of killing one and releasing another I learned from you about)… I’m just so wondering, is this only cultural influence or is this nature? I hope and pray this is toxic culture because how else will humanity escape this cycle? When we were in small tribes, there were loving tribes and cannibal tribes… so each small tribe either had toxic or healthy culture… so that points to culture… Also, they’ve found in gorilla tribes, where the bully leaders have died off (the example used in the presentation was when the bully males took all the food for themselves and it happened to have something in it that poisoned them and they died off) then the loving gorillas were able to form good leadership and therefore harmony in the tribes. In the cases they observed it was non-authoritarian leadership with 2-3 female gorillas at top leadership. And they’ve found this with apes too… like they used to think once they found gangs and violence with these groups that that’s just how it is with them but now they recognize the influence of culture within many animal groups just like humans. So these are hopeful examples that that’s maybe the deal w us humans too… but it is scary to see how there’s no playbook and yet I can recognize all of this in what I experienced and so have so many people in comment threads… that makes me go… is this a bit of nature? And also scary but very good to see is that these toxic systems go from micro to macro… the lost people have formed incredibly powerful systems in this world :( globally now
Omg.. please this is me, help, I paid him off and he still wants more money..😢
Oh yes,beeb still leaving in that.
I don't know why you clipped so many sound bytes out of this video but the choppiness makes it unlistenable.
@ D H Fremont : read on website. Very well explained in writing. Best to you in your quest to understand.
I'm moving out of my narcissistic partner's house thus Saturday. My brother and sister is coming to help me. They have to travel for 4 hours just to get here. I feel so guilty because I spoke to him a week earlier saying I don't think we should be together and I'm moving out. He then said sorry for everything and started caring so much about everything I have been crying about the past 2 years. He is suddenly so loving and caring, now I'm just saying ohyeah, my family is helping getting me out of here in 3 days. I just can't stay here nomatter all the little stuff that changes. What never will change is love and empathy and actually caring who I am and want to be and my dreams. I can't stay here locked in a house, can't go anywhere, clean the house, make dinner, watch the dogs. Put everything away perfectly, leave everything exactly as he wants it. You can keep all the dogs, the house everything. I have nothing but my furniture and my cat, no job, no house, no money, no friends. Whatever. Sometimes you have to make a leap of faith into nothingness. Seriously... For anyone reading this. Remember all the times you felt so bad about yourself, you lost who you are, you tried your best, you tried to talk, you tried to compromise, everything. You did SO much for that person, you gave up parts of yourself, maybe even felt trapped or suicidal. Remember the abuse, emotionally, mentally, physically even financially. The narcissist controlling you, what you say, do, should do, where you go, what you say, who you talk to, your time, etc. You deserve better! Even if it means being on your own and enjoying life. Start over, you can do it.
Thank you.
Thank you.