Empathy doesn't mean putting up with narcissistic abuse.
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- Опубликовано: 7 июн 2024
- In order to create distance from a narcissistic abuser, the survivor must first be able to ask oneself: "what should I have to put up with?" and feel free to answer this question honestly for themselves. In today's video I explain how the super-power personality trait of being empathic can sometimes get in the way of knowing what you will and will not put up with from others. And watch until the end because I offer a strategy to selectively deploy your empathy. This can help you feel safe to decide that you will not put up with certain ways of being treated by others.
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When you leave the narcissistic abuser/s, one thing to note is that when you interact with other people, take note of the ones that react negatively when you set a boundary. Instead of respecting it there are people that will act as though you're unfair to them, ironically these types of people are blind to their dysfunction and it is not your job to fix them.
After enduring narcissistic abuse knowing how to set boundaries with other manipulative people is important because you've been conditioned to think having opinions and feelings is wrong.
Saying 'No' to things and people that make you feel uncomfortable does not make you a bad person, and anyone that manipulates you that way is another abuser, some therapists label you as being avoidant.
In life, healthy people will respect you before you're forced to draw the line and if you do they will listen, understand and respect instead of making it all about them.
Think one of the biggest things about growing up around narcissism is that it lies to you about what connection w another human being is. So in your adult life you basically have to read people backwards.
They turn everything good into a lie. I cannot receive gifts because I no longer trust that they're given out of love. The narcs always have a hidden agenda when they're nice..
I can remember a situation, about 8 years ago, when I realized that I was 'on my own side' in a conflict. It was an amazingly peaceful feeling, and made me realize that, until that point, I ALWAYS took the side of the other party, when in conflict. You can't get much more self-defeating than that!!! Now, when there is a conflict, I imagine one part of myself as an arbitrator sitting at the head of the table, and my needs as a person sitting on one side of the table, with the other party on the other side. I need to make sure that a) my needs have just as big of a voice as the other party, and b) I remember that, as the arbitrator, I'm the only person looking out for the welfare of my needs. Like my needs are a little orphan, and the arbitrator/judge (me) is the only one with the power to make sure the orphan is well cared for and protected. I generally rule in my favor, when I think of it that way!
That's awesome!!! So stealing this!! Thank you for sharing!
Stealing, too! Thank you!!
In conflict, I've been more like a grizzly bear protecting her cub, (inner child).
And the "threat" usually psychologically limps away from the scene.
I love this!
The orphan being the inner child who essentially was orphaned. Self compassion and self protection.
Wow 🙏🏻
GO NO CONTACT. take ur kindness to another place. Give ur kindness to people who deserve it
OMG "Never respect someone who doesn't respect you.
As the daughter of a Narc Mother & scapegoat & I was freeze/fawn. Aware now how I would fawn over people who don't care for me nor respect me.
We do collectively do that with celebrities in the culture, though. And then we start to tear them down for being too high on themselves. And it's a whole sick cycle thing. Fun stuff.
my mother always insisted on respect for the very reason that she birthed me. She always said 'respect was earned' with other people, but it didn't apply to her.
remember, rules don't apply to narcs.
Mom always said I put a roof over your head, and food in your belly that's why u obey.
@@joywebster2678 Same here, they can be entitled to all the respect they feel they deserve from their children, but they won't respect their children themselves.
such a classic narcissistic phrase. my father was obsessed with my "disrespect" and "lack of common sense" - while he spent his time ridiculing his children and wife, and everybody else in the world, and acting completely entitled and childish in social situations. it's a big fat case of projection and punching down.
Ha. Yes. My parents expected big respect just because they gave birth to me. What a joke. They treated me worse than dirt.
A good parent is one you don't have to recover from.
I agree empathizing with narcs doesn't mean allowing them to disrespect you. Narcs don't see it that way though
Some unhealthy empath having no/ low boundaries, they will talk away or justify a narcissist’s behavior. Which shows their own state of emotional healthy. You have to see and believe what you just see, don’t gaslight yourself and telling yourself he must had bad time or bad mood. Be firm, be empath for people truly need and deserve your empathy, not a toxic manipulate narcissist.
Self-love is where the recovery all starts: if you cannot reach that, you are lost.
Now retired; I have much more freedom to practice being "rude" to narcs. I'm surprised how well this works. I say No much more often and don't explain. I bark "Get out of my face" and other stark items. It's such a relief to be done with "trying one more thing to get through to them". I feel much weller and I have more energy. They co-operate more. I've realised that they often see attempts to negotiate as weakness. After evaluating the possible downsides; I can recommend trying the "power of rudeness".
basically, this WAS the trigger for the estrangement in my family. I put my foot down and asked for respect. Cue, well, not respect! Instead I got martyrdom, silent treatments, stonewalling, smear campaigns....................... They've had no epiphanies in the last 2 years. But, I'm doing it for me and it feels important. I will never get through to my parents but by doing this, I will leave behind the role of scapegoat at work. When I started my job about 5 years ago, a woman who only started five weeks before me set out to exclude me (and succeeded). A cousin has also done this. She love bombs all of the other cousins and I might as well be a ghost. I think I need to detach from my family and show myself that whether they get it or not, I'm standing in my own interpretation of events and I will be OK. Maybe better than when I had a ''family'' but was continually eroded in a low level way and just had to accept that.
You can't fix your family, but you can lay the groundwork for having a better life, and that IS important. It doesn't just FEEL important, it IS. So keep doing it for you, because you matter!
The old saying 'the best revenge is living well' really holds true in these cases .
By standing in your own interpretation of the events, with your own dignity and integrity intact, you are already in a glass half-full category. The "low level erosion" is such a good way to describe the experience of existing inside a narc family. I'm really glad for you that you are making your way and choosing the optimistic mindset that you have! Your comment was meaningful to me. Thank you. I wish you the best. :)
"Deserve protection".
I was just reflecting on this last night. How my relationship with my family members, especially my primary abusers was never a two way street. The relationship was conditional and I was expected to be the loyal and the empathetic party in the relationship. My empathy came naturally to me, especially with my two sisters who often treated me cruelly. I stayed in so long hoping I could prove my love and loyalty and that one day it would be reciprocated. Instead I was often setup and blamed for whatever they decided was my fault.
The way I finally achieved protection was by going no contact. I no longer have to be arbitrarily punished by them. I no longer have to guess where I stand with them. Their "punishments" were sometimes served when things were seemingly in a good place with us. Then bang I'd find out I was excluded from something like a vacation. I remember mustering up the courage with my mom and telling her how it hurt my feelings when they went on vacation together and excluded me. To which my mom immediately snapped back with "Why would we invite you? All you do is cause trouble".
your poor, rotten mom...
No contact. Without her I am myself again.
family of choice... we decide & build this for ourselves
Narcs play mind games
Rotten is accurate
People pleasing at our own expense is behaviour learned in our dysfunctional childhoods
I am VERY protecting of people I love. Ferociously so! Yet I have NEVER extended that to myself. I have now decided that I am as deserving of that as the people I care about. It has taken me years, years of abuse from parents, a spouse, even my own children that learned it from their father. I have finally cut off contact with most of them or seriously limited my contact with all and stand my ground. When I am around them they no longer like being around me because I am not " the same" meaning I am no longer the scapegoat! I fight back now!
"you're not the same, you changed" is what my narc dad says to me. Because I'm no longer a door mat. And then I'm told I'm "disrespectful" to him any time i disagree with him.
I have a question for people reading the comments. Does anyone out there have trouble reading safe people? I am so used to being in relationships that started with people being over the top friendly and validating. The narcissists in my life always seemed to convince me that I needed their approval and validation to survive.
I am finding that the safer people start out more guarded, but eventually warm up to me once they get to know me. I feel respected by these people, but I find myself wanting constant assurance from them that I'm okay. I find myself wanting to explain everything I do to people. Narcissists love that, but it becomes awkward with healthier people. I also think I am always trying to read their expressions and that can also become awkward.
I definitely notice that safe people take a lot longer to warm up and to get to know. I like this because I find getting to know people hard work, and the faster people move in to try to get to know me the more I tend to pull away. I also find safe people hard to read often, but I find if I feel calmer, which I tend to with them after a while, I can read facial expressions better, I think it's because there's not so much danger shutting my brain down.
@@Harry-qw5jv I think that's a good point about danger shutting the brain down. Maybe I only felt safe when my mom was validating and praising me, the moment she got quiet, I knew I did something that offended her. So the normal silent moments between people can sometimes feel like danger to me. However, when I remind myself silence is okay, and I get to know someone well enough, just sitting in silence can feel like bliss.
I absolultely relate to what you've said! All of my relationship outcomes were based on the validation I sought from my family and directly tied to my own self-worth--acceptance vs rejection. It's a hard habit to break, and, because of it, have no intention of dating or forming any deep friendships until i'm comfortable enough with healing. I have a great network of support, very tiny but powerful, and I"m okay with that for now. Actually, my extrovert, happy, kind, huggy demeanor isn't really a habit I want to break, it's that I want to be better of not accepting respectful, kind WORDS/ACTIONS in return. That's what's hard for me...I just don't see it until it's too late.
Yes, I trusted that everyone was good. Now, I take time to evaluate them. I keep my morals and see what theirs are. It takes time because people lie to get their needs met and will betray others. We live in a deteriorating world. People are slipping into "the dark side" more and more.
Think a good rule of thumb is that if whatever familiar comfortable feeling you get when you're w a narcissist is wrong, the opposite feeling would have to be right.
Yeah i am an empath. I was the scapegoated child. My healing from trauma recovery journey started when i exercised and awakened my self-protective instinct, that i could set boundaries, and enforce them. I would pay attention to how it felt when people would cross my boundaries, even after 10 years of leaving my narcisistically abusive home. Because i held on to the beliefs and survival behaviours that i deserved to have my boundaries , my rights, crossed , and my needs came second to everybody else. I had safe enough person also in recovery from their childhood trauma constantly encourage me to be more assertive and i knew this was the aspect i needed the most help in. He also encouraged a more self-compassionate way of speaking to my self. I was assisting AA bc one of the ways i numbed out from the cptsd from narc abuse was with alcohol. In there some people would speak against the main message of the meeting which was only sobriety and talk about how their trauma's set them up to drink alcohol in an addictive way. They would also be censored for saying that. In any event , i learnt to assert myself better and not abandon myself, my inner child thanks me when I listen to him take his feelings into consideration and give them voice. Thats the way for me of being authentic to myself, and initially it was taking my space in the world. Lot of my friendships revolved around the fact that i didnt have much of my healthy anger, or didnt take my space. That being said, it started by claiming my voice, and asking people not to interrupt me, seeing how they would take it. If they try to gaslight me over it i would stay in my truth because i was strengthening my assertivity and my connection to my own perspective. I just knew that i had to stay true to my inner child and in my truth. Leaving an unhealthy workplace also after setting multiple boundaries and having them crossed was the moment i felt a sense of victory and wholeness. I awakened my healthy anger, healthy agression, i learnt with support of a safe enough fellow , that its ok to trust my inner child before trusting people that in this case wanted to abuse me. My inner child as my emotional compass, and communicating like this for my different needs, and seeing who the safe people are. With the healthy anger online, with safety online, and my capactiy to keep my self safe enough, i can see who are healthy relationships and also go into other parts of recovery like grieving
Impressive and deep healing work 💔❤️🩹 ❤️💗
Takers will groom others to give and give until it kills them, or to produce and they steal.
When I first learned about Picasso and how he stole and exploited all his female muses. Each “period” is him ripping off a different woman. It opened my eyes to how sick and hollow these came /power seekers are.
It’s sad, Pisccaso had amazing lines, but no soul.
I'm struggling as I've been the family scapegoat since birth. Including being put in a cab at 1 week old alone, with a note and sent to hospital. So we limped along with at least bi annual family gatherings for years. My father the enabler died at age 80, I was at his funeral. That was the last time I saw my 3 siblings, my mother, and any neices/nephews. Mom is a covert nasty narc. So the struggle is yep I've been the scapegoat forever, why did I have to be totally dumped, total no contact as if I died with my dad? No conflict, just they had family gatherings and never told me ever again. I'm free but lost too.
Joy, that hurts. I’m 65 and went no contact 5 years ago. Accepting it hurt so bad for a while. Now I decide who is in my life!
Stay strong!
I just ended a friendship. I realized I was confusing having compassion for their bad behaviors, with just plain enabling them to continue this poor behavior.
I was people pleasing, and never spoke up when i was distressed by their actions. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings because they ‘had a bad childhood’ and were ‘working on themselves’ and were struggling with judgmental ness and anger.
However, by not telling people that what they say or do distresses me, I am training them to keep treating me with disregard.
If I told this person my true feelings they would probably see that I am not in accomplice with their behavior and they probably would search for poor behavior validation elsewhere.
I am more prepared to be discerning with people, but my main priority, like it is spoken about in this video, is to speak up for myself. Speak up in a timely manner as possible. If another thinks I am ‘too’ this or that, then I move along. I believe my gut. No more wondering if this stranger knows me better than myself.
Thanks for this video 🙏
Yes I feel you. All my relationships have had that pattern too - they have trauma issues, they are abusive and *I* stay *and* take it because "I understand" because I have deep empathy for another's pain. I just stood and took the abuse for 30 years.
I'm dealing with a similar issue with my sister right now. She is so used to people around her allowing her to be unpredictable, behaving princess like. I took her abuse for decades out of fear of her unhinged raged always ready to be unleashed on me, especially, the younger sister. I stayed in her life because I felt sorry she hasn't ever had a friend because her character is so spiteful and fractured from totally idealizing herself as an angel on earth to horrid abuse, even violence against the closest to her. I always stayed out of pity with my abusive addicted ex boyfriends too.
I always let it go because her IQ is low and I thought she just doesn't understand she's abusing and traumatizing others. But then it dawned on me listening to her daughter's experience with her mom the gaslighting and the rest - she's not simply simple minded only, she's narcissistic. Our mother is a narcissist but higher IQ. It manifests very differently depending on intelligence. I know IQ is a forbidden topic to discuss but I simply put it under her lack of intelligence for a long time til I spoke deeply with her daughter, another small person describing 💯 narcissistic traits with all the classic manifestations. I just hadn't seen it because I was convinced I was in the wrong somehow being abused by them all my life, having my filters that the problem was I.
I said it before and I'll say it again: you're an angel, Jay Reid.
Emotional deprivation. One of the proven factors in a person developing depression, dissociation, psychosis.
I didn't start to realize the impact and full nature of the narcissistic abuse from childhood until my late 40's....despite having a degree in psychology and many years of therapy. The therapy didn't hit the nail on the head in terms that made it real and understandable for me. Time and incredible pain and suffering did, however. Everything in this video hits that nail word for word. I've been away from my family with no contact for over a decade now...and in that time I've learned to give trust and respect to those who won't use and abuse it...as my TWO narc parents did. No more denying my needs to serve others.....and no more blind hope that they will improve.......I'll get my needs met elsewhere, thank-you very much!
I was the Scapegoat to an Ex Narc, and our children...he taught them to treat me as less than they were....and they did. The older they got, the more abusive and cruel they were. I kept trying to be a Mother....they believe Mother means "We own your life". I kept on trying for years to do caring things for them....now I see clearly, ...Being caring for them, only Enables them to become more abusive. Now I quit....they don't know it yet. But they will.....working on not getting sucked in again. They prey on my empathy and return evil for it.
One of the most helpful therapists on the net.
I try to make them SEE the lack of logic, fairness, but it doesn't work. I go in with a timeline of ''you said, I felt'' and pointing out the double standard and/or the lack of logic. But my mother only martyrs up harder. Logic is an ATTACK on her. I must accept her distorted projections. My dad is pathetic and reprimands me for ''hurting mum''. I'm taking distance now. They think this shows I ''need help'' and told me so, they broke their silent treatment to tell me i need help. I've had 18 months of psychotherapy. It isn't a magic wand but it helps. The only way to be in my family is to be summonsed back to play the part of daughter but still denied the voice to say ''it hurts when you call me paranoid''.
I can relate to this. You are not paranoid or alone. ♥️
They are obsessed with control. They want you to fit the role they gave you, fit the narrative they set for you. "How dare you be different, who do you think you are?!!"
After reading your comment the term "identified patient" comes to mind. They turn the tables and call you sick in some way but they are the ones who are sick.
get the fuck out of that relationship as fast as you can, dont try to make them "see" anything, they were born dead, they were dead before you were born, it is their karma to burn in hell and if you stay near them the flames will burn you as well.
This is exactly one of the reasons why I wont break no contact.. I'm not ever willing to take on the role of daughter walking on eggshells anymore. They have learnt nothing and have not changed at all, so why would I give them the satisfaction? I refuse to play any kind role that they want me to play ever again, it would make my soul 'less than' yet again.. and I'm not willing to put myself last on the list yet again..
I’m still learning. One lesson is to make sure that when you reach out to a friend that they also have been reaching out to you. So it’s a little bit of quid pro quo, you don’t have to keep score but if you’re doing all the calling that’s a real indication about the relationship. If they never call or text or contact you, time to stop. Exceptions of course, possibly somebody elderly or another circumstance
I’ve just gotten through a very difficult family funeral. Thank you Jay for all your work here, it has really helped me. Also thanks to the community who share their reflections. Two hours contact, lots of preparation and still it’s taken me days to recover a level of balance.
At almost 93 (still mentally sharp and mobile). What I know of the woman who is mother to the large family I come from. I know that:
1. She has no empathy
2. She is addicted to power and control
3. She is cruel
4. She has no insight.
Much work has enabled me to make such a list. More to do, once I get a bit of head space I will do the on- line recovery course. Pointless sharing this information with my siblings, that in itself is progress.
My family always taught me respect is given, but trust is earned. I always respect, even in conflicts, because you always respect that weapon. Respect doesn't mean being a doormat.
dont respect in a conflict in which they are not respecting you.
Respecting someone who’s actively disrespecting you doesn’t make you a better person it literally makes you a door mat at the least
I can relate with the dysfunctional narcissistic family dynamic and low to no contact is best to find true peace.
Excellent video!! I love both your kindness and academic approaches to healing as a scapegoated child/adult. Thank you so much!!!
I’m watching this again and I feel like it’s so powerful. The ice pick example is dead on.
Some people don't have the option of establishing distance from their narcissistic families. Chronic health problems have kept me in my parents' house as an adult, and my parents have control of where I work, what kind of career I have, how much money I make, etc.
Chronik health issues are from abuse also!
@@utrnagel9441 I agree, but what is a person supposed to do, who is now too sick to get out of the situation?
@@janeylynn5934 there are fasilities they help with abuse for woman, I forgotten how they're names called! I don't know exactly what to do, my self, I'm still with my abuser, he is a psychopath I find out now 3 weeks ago , we are married for 13 years, and I need to find a way, so he can't find me, and that I can go no contact! I don't know how jet! You could go plant based? I'm, I could not even walk anymore! Chef AJ on youtube! She has Dr. McDougall with slides! Find out what you would like to try to do, little steps are alot more than no steps! Roman's 10 vers 9 and 10 say it out loud! Blessings wish you the best💞!
@@janeylynn5934 Dr. Ramani on youtube!
@@utrnagel9441 Thanks - I wish you the best!
Thank you for sharing that Jay. It’s so encouraging to know you’ve been through this and come out on top. Remain blessed.
I needed this - how to turn off the empathy faucet. Thank you, Jay, for your wonderful videos.
I want to thank you very much, Jay, for all of the information you are giving us to help us through this journey. The greatness of the gifts you are giving us is immeasurable. I cannot imagine the amount of hours it takes for you to put these sessions together, not counting all the studies and hard work you had to go through to get this level of knowledge. Thank you very much and God bless.
Well said DG, Hear!Hear! 🙏
Really agree D G
Thank you, Jay for this seemingly obvious information. But for an empath like myself I even try to understand and have compassion for Narcissists. Unfortunately and predictably it has cost me dearly in terms of time and emotional energy spent. In fact, I can give all this time and energy to my beloved twins, now 8 years old. From now on my kindness and respect is reserved for those who do not abuse, manipulate and try to control me. I learn so much from you. Namaste.
I actually love other empathic people. They are safe people.
Thanks for posting this... Disentangling is important.
In narcissistic relationships there is so much junk to get through to see the simple truth in situations.
@marycrowley1442 true. That's literally the FOG of narcissistic relationships that keep victims disoriented & stuck so they can't see. FOG being fear, obligation, guilt.
Gah! So sadly true: How they insist we care more about their feelings than our own, then proceed to accuse us of every deficiency, when we likely did everything they insisted. This channel is so, so, so appreciated.
Thank you Jay. Keep on shining the light. You are saving lives around the world.
The faucet idea is really helpful. Thank you! I’ve always thought that the best therapists for recovery from narcissistic abuse are the ones who experienced it for themselves. I’m grateful you shared a bit about your experience. Many therapists are unwilling to do this, and I find it extremely validating and affirming. 🙏
Being able to 'stave odd the danger of having nobody by caring more about his parents feelings than his own' 😥😳🤯 you absolutely nailed it. 👌
So well explained, Jay! Thank you. It's taken me years of walking on eggshells around a family member whom I have shown so much empathy toward, excusing the intermittant micro-agressions and unexpected raging because this family member has a heart condition. Her treatment of me ... mostly done when no one else is present ... has left me often bewildered and damaged. I finally said "Enough!" Now that there is very limited contact between us, I am prioritizing my healing instead of waiting for the breadcrumbs of "good times."
Thanks for sharing in this video that you too grew up in an abusive house. I've watched a good many of your videos since I discovered your channel and it has astounded me how good your insight is into narcissistic abuse. Keep up the great work my friend.
Genuine empathy means the heavy heritage of also looking into psychological abysses.
I haven't seen every RUclips channel on this subject matter but I have seen ALOT and you're content is pretty freaking good.
Keep it up man, thank you
I absolutely love the quote "Respect only those who show respect." As a former scapegoat I allowed so many to show disrespect and took it like a real scapegoat. It all started from early on simply because I needed to survive my dysfunctional family so took it on the chin over and over. Jay's videos are opening up my eyes. Been binge watching them.😎
Same!
How you describe the "scapegoated child" is the dynamic I feel I live with my grown sons, DIL and future ex......I give my all...I feel I get little in return....If I didn t reach out, I d never hear from them.....I m getting older and I fearl I could die alone in my home and my family wouldn t know for weeks....
I understand that fear. I'm looking into how to prepay, pre-arrange burial etc., and trying to find a way to check in with a service or someone so they'd know I'm down. Not a fall alert but a hi I'm still breathing! My siblings who I moved to be closer to, I haven't seen nor heard from in 7yrs and they cut their adult kids off from me. So trying to figure it out. Here in Canada we've been locked down for much of 2yrs makes it hard to build community.
I’m in the same boat. Learning to live in the knowledge of what I’ve given compared to what is coming back is totally disheartening. However going it alone is something I’m beginning to really get. I’m actually a nice guy! At 70 and a 1/2 the thought of preparing my exit details is becoming part of the whole new reality. Good luck everyone.😊
The rules were always different for me than they were for my sisters. My mother admired their lies and larceny. If I ever erred, I was summarily punished and shamed. My sisters were always allowed to abuse me and my belongings, for spite. My transgressions, normal in a dysfunctional family, are judged, juried, and executionered on an ongoing basis after a half century. Do you need more? NO PROBLEM. I got lots. All true, none skewed, not distorted, but clear and scrupulously honest! That's me! Their excuse? I'm "that kind" of person they don't approve of (stereotype). So why not let me go????? It's all I want from my family of origin.
Thank you so very much Jay. I'm trying to maintain a relationship with my 93 year old Mother who it feels to me that she wants to tear me down to try to gain control....its exhausting. I'm trying to help her in practical ways without getting drawn in to abuse. Thank you thank you
I was thinking about this the other day. Without contradicting Jay, and hoping to add to the the discussion... I was thinking about my narc mother. She has now passed away. I have tried to cultivate an anger toward her, so was uncomfortable feeling bad for her.
But I realized, my empathy is my superpower. Like any superpower, other people will try to exploit it for their ends. Feeling for her is not wrong... it is who I am. The problem is letting her (or anyone else) exploit it, or worse, exploit you. Part of self acceptance means that you can both go no contact AND still accept that you feel compassion for them.
I'm so grateful for you work. It's been difficult finding information on narcissistic families and scapegoating. It's like it's taboo. Anyway I am so grateful for your help. I had a feeling this happened to you. I'm a scapegoat. My dad is dead after a lengthy stonewalling. I'm not dying to serve her. My family is a cult.
Thank you , you're so right about everything. It's so true. I am the oldest out of five my parents had. I am the scape goat child. I always been the black sheep in my family. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am a 47 female. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I been a Christian for over ten years. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is our peace. God is great all the time. I have support from my friends from church. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers.
After knowing 3 narcs and 1 sociopath, I have no problem spotting their type rather quickly now (being an informed, experienced sigma empath), and there's no way I would ever allow myself to be the effect of them. I would NEVER give empathy to such people. That would be plain wrong and useless anyway. I have no need to help those (scum imo) that have continuous bad intentions toward their fellow human beings.
Congratulations on your perfection
@@joywebster2678 It's not perfection.
@@kennethlapointesongwriter3330 your tone conveys that, I was being sarcastic
@@joywebster2678 I thought so lol. No, I went through hell with the sociopath, and had a ton of trouble with the narcs.. and have finally reached the good state I'm in now. It's called hard-won experience and skill no?
That's a good one to remember. I DID withdraw, just because it was the natural thing to do.
'What should I have to put up with?"' Wow.
So on target and helpful. "Living in defiance of the narcissist's rules for living"...."The importance of distance from the Narcissistic family". Thank you so much. This information is priceless.
It took years to realize I WAS ALWAYS TOO NICE...
The pain
of the past abuse and wasted years is REALLY crippling sometimes...
but being able to see through new narcissists and NOT fall into my old patterns is sometimes funny...
I live in a VERY strange apt house where I can practice being a FORMER empath frequently...
I tell them my kindness now consists of NOT calling the police as long as no one pulls a gun....
If they leave me,my plants and mail and deliveries alone and they will be treated with ALL the empathy I can now spare...
But I can't see myself ever even wanting to have any "real" relationships..
I just don't find most people have any intelligent internal life these days...
My plants have more interesting lives than the average TV addicted, gaming, sports betting, junk food gorging, hot pink haired denizen of the current GUTTER zeitgeist...
I was also obsessed for many years a a child with trying to get my parents to quit smoking. Interesting and useful video.
I truly believe that we were raised as children to tolerate bad behavior. As someone who was raised with a schizophrenic brother, their behaviour becomes "normalized". I was raised with crumbs from our adopted mother to take over responsibility for him when she died. And that's what I did out of my conditioning to accept her choice to adopt him. 2 narcs and 40 years later, I hold my adopted mother responsible for my empathic, sympathetic, enabling behavior in all my relationships. We are raised to never question their true intentions for the psychological abuse we had to endure just to be able to eat. My adopted father passed when we were young and I know he would have never raised me to be her slave. No pity, the Truth is the Truth. I will never be in another relationship again. I am the empathy, pathetic poster child.
Thank you for the clear statements that cuts through our own thinking.
I like your analogy of climbing up ice with tennis 🎾 shoes 👟 on. 😊👌 i always felt like it was walking on a steel ledge with socks 🧦 on ☺️👍
It's really hard when you're literally beat up with "RESPECT YOUR PARENTS", not only from narcissistic parents but from entire communities -- yk, the ones from which we're supposed to be "seeking support" -- so there is nowhere safe to seek and no respite.
Yep yep yep. Not so much the same anymore. They don’t respect me, they don’t get me.
Thanks J
I live with my dad whose scary and it’s crazy how now as an adult I can stand up for myself
This story could be me.
Thank you ! I totally agree with the concept and am looking forward to trying the exercise to turn our empathy only towards those that deserve it and ourselves.
But, this is also tricky for me, because I was often the one being told I didn't respect my parents enough when I didn't behave appropriately. My parents tend to label anyone who doesn't show them enough appreciation, or who questions them, as toxic. My "nice" narcissistic parents always preached "do unto others as you would have done unto you". So they would do for others, then they would expect others to do the same for them.
I have a question that could possibly be a topic for a future show: what about managing empathy for non-narcissists, for people in the world who really are experiencing undeserved suffering? (For instance, right now, people in Ukraine fearing invasion from Russia.) I know that it doesn't do any good to be upset on strangers' behalf -- all I can do is try to help -- but it's like I can't turn off the "empathy faucet."
Careful. This can also happen (more subtle) with so-called friends who have no ability to express empathy, let alone sympathy. Doesn’t everyone deserve real friends & family⁉️
I really agree with that quote.
Had a hard time living it but not anymore.
Great video, Jay! Thank you for all you do to help survivors know they are not alone. Your insights and topics are always on par.
Sure appreciate these videos your putting out and all your hard work to make them ✌️❤️
i was the golden child as a teen in my dads eyes and he harassed my brother (my mom before but she got a divorce) now my 20s-31 hes harrassed me on and off. he is a altrusitic narcissist who treats many other people (who have backstabbed him) better than me. he got a dwi in 2019 and has a host of lawsuits from his failed company. he is still abusive but ive found my confidence and fight back now . im less anxious now but im afraid of one of our fights turning violent. him and me work together because of my co dependency and a deep part of me feels bad for him. hes spent a lifetime making terrible decisions while he always fabricates and explains how to make a lot of money and how to win at life and im just so tired of all the unrealistic expectations and ideas…
I finally feel seen and can see myself. I am so grateful to have clicked on this video! Thank you so much
Thank you for your thoughtful comments and gift to me…and the public. Your remarks are well organized and delivered. I was surprised by your self disclosure and saddened that you endured such neglect or abuse yourself. Your cognitive behavioral tasks at the end sound very doable…and especially the remarks about a final evaluation of them. Respect others who respect you… that is different from “Respect elders elders and parents” something which I and so many others heard. Sometimes self respect does mean creating distance from some of those. Finally, the fades to black and back to you make a great way of spacing sentences so that at least I (and perhaps others too) are able to integrate your valuable thoughts and suggestions. Thank you for what you do.
The title alone changed me.
Thx Jay Reid, these videos are so spot on and the clarity is so helpful. Just brilliant in its power to bring freedom from my entrapment. I identify as the scapegoat and the lost child. If possible, could you plz do a video(s) on the lost child. It’s brutal recovering from that too. Just not important. Nobody cares.
THIS! Thank you so much. My inner child thanks you.
I even taught my only child that they didn't have to respect or regard me.. And I didn't realize.
Oh my goodness.
He's a grown man and I doubt I can fix it now.
Appreciate you!!
I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU, THANK YOU for Addressing these issues 🙏 ❤
Thank you so much Dr Reid ....such a great help
This video came just in time!
thank you so much for your videos. this is very helpful.
OMG! Jay, you nailed it. ThNk you so much!
Impeccable timing (of my recent pondering 🤔 💭 ) 😊👍💓🙏 thank you once again!
Thank you, ur message is insightful and powerful.
Thank you so much for this video today Jay. I have been thinking about this a lot recently.
Thanks Jay!!!Very helpful.
You are awesome
Thank you so much
Another great video, Jay. Many Thanks....🙏❤️🙏😊
The exercise at the end is really good! Thank you
Thank you for making this very interesting and helpful video. I am learning so much on here and I'm so glad I discovered your channel.
Thankyou for putting this info together so well. Perfect message. ❤️
Thank you!! 🙏🏽
Thank you for brilliant observations and advice. Take care.
Thank you Jay - this is going to help so much, I am working on things in a varied ways.....i am going to do this exercise fur sure - as I was already meaning to find a video where they can tell how can I shut my heart and use my brain - my love flows so abundantly that i still get hurt with the same Narc here or there - this is perfect - turning off the faucet - really really answers my search.....I am going to do it, Thanks again !
Wish I could like this one a hundred times. Thank you
Narcs play the copycat game. They are masters at getting to know you and copycatting you. You actually are falling in love w yourself. You're pretty darn amazing I might added.
Then they stop copycatting you which is aka the discard. And "you" gets taken away from you or at least it feels that way and that's some painful shhh... and that's why you're so sad bc you love yourself and you miss you.
The Good news, actually Great news, is that once this clicks with you, you realize you always have you and no one can take that awesome soul out of you. Much love and light to ya all❤
PS. Don’t start copycatting the narc, they’d like that. Stay true to you.
Im a sensitive and find my self being too helpful and indivduals do not appreciate my authentic self. Ive been subjected ti exreme narcissistic abuse. Trying to heal, being empathetic means you actually care.
Your information explains SO much!! Thank you for this clear information that is so helpful to understand what went on in my family.
9:00 wow Dr. Reid I had no idea wow, it makes a lot of sense that you know what we are going through, we will treat such personal information with respect thank you :)* I also always thought you to be artistic & have an artistic background & I still do. Happy Thursday to you & yours :)* You & Scott Bassett & Dr. Carter & Dr. Ramani have healed so much of my brain & empowered I & so many others together as a shared observer looking at the present too :D!! Tak sa mycket!! :D