...the state of modern dating is cursed... 🥴| Khadija Mbowe
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- Опубликовано: 20 сен 2024
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Sources 📚
Why Does Dating Suck Right Now?
www.vice.com/e...
Four Out of Five Adults Experience Emotional Fatigue or Burnout From Online Dating (78.37%) - New Data Shows
www.globenewsw...
Finding love online: More than half of couples set to meet via the internet
news.sky.com/s...
Why Americans Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out
www.theatlanti...
The relationship between ghosting and closure
news.uga.edu/t...
How the Screenshot Became One of the Internet’s Most Powerful Tools
www.vice.com/e...
Dating Statistics And Facts In 2024
www.forbes.com...
What Does Aromantic Mean?
www.webmd.com/...
New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States
www.hhs.gov/ab...
Loneliness high in Canada, can contribute to health issues, report says
globalnews.ca/...
“I’m a horny freak, who likes deep platonic intimacy.”
Conversation cards: www.liveinreallife.com/
Complete opposite, i’m asexual but I fall in love with the first person I see each day…..but constantly striving to build those deep platonic relationships. So happy you’re still discovering new things about yourself ❤❤
Thank you for sharing--your genuine honesty is so appreciated, and I'm sure other folks who desire platonic intimacy over romantic intimacy can relate and feel seen. 😊❤️
This video was really relatable for me. Thank you
Also, I can't find the link to those cards in the description 😿 They look interesting, maybe im missing it?
Me too! Are you a Capricorn? 😂
I saw this comment before I fully watched the vid & was worried it was just for the lolz b/c I identify w/ this so hard LOL. Now nearing the end of vid, I’m really glad to hear these feelings & beliefs that I was deeply considering & accepting about myself being echoed back to me. I don’t necessarily need reassurance, but it was still nice to feel like I could empathize w/ you, & be empathized w/, even if done parasocially. Cheers!
“Just because she likes the same bizarro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soulmate.”
I have to remind myself that everytime I start dating
500 days of summer!!
Amen sister
500 days of summer!!!
Neither if she doesn't like the same things because "opposites attract" isn't what it's cracked up to be.
being an adult right now is the worst thing ever, the dating pool is a mess, everything is ridiculously expensive, global warming! we need a very long break
Great choice in artist!
Global ig warming isn’t real
Ever?
Yes on the long break
Right? We are tired! 😩🥲
We didn’t get ghosted back in the day, we got stood up. People were not any nicer or emotionally mature than now. Not having a cell phone made it easy to flake on someone. They gave some dumb excuse later and you had to take their word. There wasn’t any location sharing or social media activity to expose the lies. It took time and a lot more detective work. 😅
But we used to date ppl we'd meet oftenly, from the same circle. Because we had less control over the process and had less information, we used to be more tolerant about stuff, ppl were more open and men were more invested because they didn't have the sensation of infinite options or 24/7 availability. They needed to do more to be intimate with a woman, so they used to value it more. Things used to be more autentic and slower, ppl were not expecting too much contact too soon. You could be a week apart without feeling rejected... and I could go on and on... things were not perfect, but fall in love was way easier.
So tolerant is what we are striving for ?@@A.l.a.c.
@@ColoradoFalls being tolerant towards others is wise and virtuous. Ppl are not perfect, men are not gonna love you the way you want them to or in the time you want them to. Feelings take time to grow. My brother's been married for almost 20 years, he says he didn't have much consideration for his wife when they met, because she was just another beautiful girl for him. But within time, he got to know her more and more...his love, respect and consideration never stopped to grow, that's the reason why they are still together, and he is faithful, loyal, he always says she is beautiful, she is his best friend etc. One of the reasons this show (LIB) doesn't work for most ppl is because they don't have time and space to make things grow. Being tolerant is not putting up with BS, it is to understand relationships cannot be forced, ppl are not gonna love or respect you just because you demand them to.
Getting stood up is different from getting ghosted. Getting ghosted is far more severe. Getting stood up just means they didn't show up to a date, getting ghosted means you can basically no longer contact them. You can get ghosted without ever having met or setting up a date. Getting stood up requires you to go to a place to meet the person physically and then them not showing up.
Flaking is when you are trying to set up a meeting and they keep doing a raincheck. A flaky person is someone who cancels last minute and is unreliable. But will actually tell you they can't make it or communicate in some way, it could even mean they apologized after the fact.
Thank you for saying that - people have been peopling forever, and yes while some trends may be kinda new, they aren’t all *that* new or massively different x
"Everybody makes romantic relationships seem like they're supposed to be a struggle..." THIS!!! I have never subscribed to that notion! Relationships are supposed to make you happy, add to your life, not make it worse! I tried that "hard relationship" ONE time, and I couldn't do it! Also, that part about having no desire to merge your life with someone...I have discovered that about myself coming out of the pandemic.
This 💯💯💯
I never bought into this because my parents demonstrated pretty healthy romantic relationship dynamics for me. I can be thankful that I've never fell into a toxic relationship because of them, I'm so grateful.
Ah yes you are relatable
@misslauren6798 so where are you getting your attention dosage from?
@@Turshin what a weird question to ask
Dating nowadays makes me wanna sit in the woods with a bong and then proceed to hug trees
Haahaaahaa accurate 😂
I cannot 😅
Even Africans are complaining about modern dating😂
do it
And I don’t even smoke 😭!
I have never used a dating app, but I do run a group on Meetup and the way that people treat the meetups is equally unkind. I have been left sitting alone at cafes holding enough seating for 6 people feeling like a dumbass and planned meetups in my house with food for a group and then had the majority of the people who RSVP'd either no show or cancel with an hour or less warning. These are even people who have been with the group before. I get it sometimes I am hosting or attending a meetup and my heart isn't in it but I go because I made a commitment. The internet makes it too easy to treat the people on the other end as non-human.
So sorry to hear that’s your experience! You’re a lovely person to put that effort in to bringing people together.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I personally take meetups very seriously and I consider the host. I always apologise and edit the rsvp if I can't go. I think many people are lacking in manners.
Damn. Im definitely guilty of this. Its all just numbers on a screen to me. Ill make sure to never do it again.
So true, I’m guilty of this but I’m realizing and trying to change and be there for others, social media has ruined so many of views of humanity. We choose to live in ignorance of other people’s feelings cause you can “reach out” so easily over the phone
Yes i put pressure on myself to show up to events because of this behavior. I used to host events before the pandemic and its a lot of work! I moved to a region where using facebook groups and physical fliers is really important to have success with it. Im also increasingly disabled so showing up how i want to has been hard. I would prefer to just be introduced by friends like the olden days
Anyone else feel increasingly depressed as they realize they do want to want to intertwine their life with someone else's in the way described at the minute 38ish mark, but feeling like that's never going to happen in this romance hellscape where it's so hard to actually meet people who will give you the time?
No? Just me?
Definitely not just you. Sigh...
If you're having dating problems, I feel bad for you son. I've got 99 problems, but dating in this increasingly dystopian romantic hellscape ain't one.
I’m completely with you. Also, I operated under the mistaken impression that once I overcame the barriers I was contributing to my own romantic life, dating would be easier. Instead, it’s gotten worse. I guess because I’m no longer willing to date people who haven’t at least done some heavy self reflection (and preferably therapy) and that is shockingly rare
My boyfriend, the rat bastard, met me the first time he tried the advice "just go out for a night, don't have any expectations, just talk to people", while I at that time was wading so deeply through the hellscape that I was alone at that bar because even my friends were flaking on me for our nights out. There are people out there still having success, I hope you get swept up in their luck like I did
Yes exactly now I don’t even want it anymore too emotionally taxing trying to find it
I'm married, but if I ever end up single again, I'm never dating again. My partner and I both feel like we are lucky to have found each other but we both feel like dating is a shit show and never want to do it ever again.
My hubby and I said that too lmaoo
My married friends and I say the same.!
Yeah. I got a kid and financial stability now. Go back to dating for what?
Same. I’m married, but if we ever divorced I’m not dating EVER again. I went through the most disrespect before I met my husband. It almost caused me to be institutionalized.
SAME!!!! I’m so glad to finally be married, and I never want to go back to the single life. Because I would be single for the rest of my life. I’d live with my dogs and that would be it.
I don't understand the prevailing casualness about canceling plans last minute. I've had a whole group of people stand me up after making plans weeks ahead of time. I get that people may have last minute issues, even very high anxiety, but it's the lack of consideration that gets me, people canceling just because they don't feel like going. I have always struggled to make friends, so I have a lot of anxiety about not just talking to people, and I have a fear of crowds as well. It take so much energy and emotional work to prepare for meet-ups and things, then to just be left sitting like an idiot by myself in a very public place, trying not to have a panic attack. It sucks.
Ugh, grammar errors abound. Sorry, typing from my phone.
Not that its any of my business, but I hope you have told these friends, or maybe other ones, about this feeling too. Wishing you safe feeling relationships always
Literally a problem that I’ve had all my life. I love going out to events and making plans to go out but I’ve had so many friends ditch on me last minute that it’s now at a point where I get anxious when I want to invite people anywhere…like I will message people multiple times to confirm if they still want to go because I’ve just had waaay too many experiences of people just leaving me out to dry and it’s a horrible feeling 🙃
experienced this when I planned and made reservations for my birthday dinner last year. the people who mattered showed up so I wasn’t too sad but I was still very angry cause I made those plans a week ahead and people cancelled on me on the date. it’s just so disrespectful and part of me is glad it happened cause I didn’t know that was a boundary I had/needed. now, we could be close friends for 10 years but do that to me and I have absolutely no problem ghosting you for the next 6 months or even the next year. you sit and think about what you did, I don’t have time for inconsiderate people
Getting flaked on is not really what gets to me, personally. Maybe something really urgent came up, maybe they were feeling lousy and didn't want to bring a lousy version of themselves to a date they were excited about, or hell, maybe they just got cold feet and took the path of least resistance. I don't know, and I can't really ever know for sure. To me, what happens *after* the cancellation is what matters, and what usually happens (in my experience post-covid) is what gets me. Does the person try to fix the issue? Does the person acknowledge that they're disrupting your plans, then make an effort to reschedule? In post-COVID times especially, I've had a lot of experiences where people will just matter-of-factly state "hey, I can't make it today" sometimes hours before we were supposed to meet up. Sometimes for reasons that came up days before! Then, crickets. No attempt to reschedule; not even an apology sometimes. That shit feels rude and kind of de-humanizing. To me it's kind of like if someone bumps into you and accidentally spills coffee on your shirt. It was an accident, so you can't really fault them for it, but how they respond to that accident matters. They could apologize and try to get some napkins to clean the stain, or they could mumble about spilling their latte, then shuffle off in silence. The solace for me is that, which response they choose is their deal, not yours.
Every day I understand more and more that Whoopi Goldberg quote about why she isn’t interested in marriage anymore: I don’t want somebody in my house
I've been single for about 9 years now because I'm the kind of person that needs some time to develop any sort of attraction to someone. Very rarely do I find someone I'm instantly attracted to. I can't have that in this dating environment. Everyone wants to skip straight to sex and especially as a trans person I find this to be INCREDIBLY difficult.
As a cis woman on the lgbtq spectrum (biromantic demisexual probably) I can relate lol.
Definitely can relate as a demisexual lesbian
Same as a late blooming pansexual who broke out of a conservative, religious family dynamic
~ In many ways I relate. I actually find most people “attractive” or “admirable” in some way. However, developing the connection to support a sustainable lasting relationship is a different story. It’s definitely an interesting time in history.
Seems like sexual liberation has caused the ultimate confusion
"Next time I'm opening up to somebody is my autopsy." 👀👀😂😂💀💀⚰⚰👻
Bring Me The Horizon is lit
I was NOT expecting Bring Me The Horizon crossing over into my video essay sphere lmao! 💀💀🤘🤘
💀
I’m in a weird place. I was a person who had high hopes, put myself out there, looking for a serious relationship. After years of heartbreak and grief…I stopped dating altogether. It’s like my desire to be in a relationship had been challenged and shoved so deep down I can’t find it anymore. After all I’ve been through in my pursuit of love, the safest place for me to be is being a single woman. It makes me angry to not have what I think I want but also I enjoy the freedom, space and the lack of drama. It’s perplexing.
hey, if being single works out for you, why would you need to change that? Maybe you'll feel ready to date again at some point, maybe not. it doesn't really matter either way if you can be comfortable on your own.
I gave up because of the expectation to have sex early on in a relationship. No, I don't want to have sex on the first 1-10 dates.
@@micheller3251A person can be happy on their own but still hope or want to date.
I am right there with you tired of not being treated like a person with feelings in dating
You literally explained exactly how I’ve been feeling recently. It’s like deep down I know I want to be with someone, but my past negative experiences have given me an aversion to dating. I have a literal visceral reaction to the thought of opening myself up to and being vulnerable to someone else. It’s like if the 🤮 emoji were a feeling
I’ve been single for 5 years! There’s too many men out here who want the services of a girlfriend without the commitment! I’ve noticed that a lot of them date women that they don’t like because the women they like don’t want them. Instead of remaining single and working on themselves internally, they seek out a woman thats super in to them who’ll give them the girlfriend package. However, because he was never that in to her he treats her with contempt and does the bare minimum. I cannot invest time in to this nonsense. The human experience is too rich and diverse for all that.
Great comment I also don't have energy to invest in nonsense
This literally happened to me! We were talking and then all of a sudden he texted me that he liked someone else. When that didn’t work out for him he tried to meet up with me again and didn’t even try to get to know me, he just wanted a hookup. Later on he even admitted that the girl he actually liked had a fwb situation so he wanted to do the same.
Yeah that's something I noticed, too - a lot of men date women as placeholders. It's so weird! Women don't do this, or at least not as much. We would rather be single than date someone we don't like!
@@360shadowmoonmost definitely and unfortunately I never really truly knew people did that until this situationship I got in. I guess sometimes you really do learn the hard way.
@@cristinarivera5707 I absolutely agree with your point! The fact that most of those guys are also super manipulative is one of the root causes of the terrible dating pool right now imo. As a straight guy I usually witness this from my female friends and women I've dated. Most of them tell me "yeah, I have this thing going on with someone and I don't know where it's going." Basically they get treated like a partner but he vehemently refuses to commit to a relationship. Yet it's mostly blatantly obvious the guy just wants to get laid, have emotional support when he's lonely and push his ego because he can bring someone to events. Worst thing is the insane gaslighting these guys do on women.
Example from one of my friends: Guy refuses to commit but manipulates her into thinking it's her fault. Now he wants to "talk it through" and the cycle will continue.
No wonder women are so hurt that they don't trust men anymore.
I’m an autistic woman in a happy long term relationship and he’s my first real boyfriend. I honestly believe the reason for this is because I don’t understand these dating rules due to my disorder, and I don’t present a fake version of myself. I genuinely think if everyone was just honest with themselves and to others, they wouldn’t have so much issues when dating.
I’m also autistic and I want a bf for so long but its just not going well and I havent even been on one real date 😢i think its not possible for me and im always scared to mention it so I dont but I even have trouble meeting/finding someone
Fellow autistic who's in their mid to late twenties and never dated. I'm a trans woman who's to broke to properly transition lol along with other huge issues so yeah dating is not happening now or for the foreseeable future. 😂
@@marquistf1996 trans and autistic, damn I wish you luck, you will probably need it since your group is small
@@eternalsence3033 people with autism do tend to have unique gender experience but yeah it's hard out here. Wait till you find out I'm also black 😂🙃. Connecting with people is HARD.
I’ve been autistic since 12 years old and all of my peers either loved me or hated me because of how self aware I was about fitting it. I’ve just been myself and I saw past societal constructs of dating or college or clothes or etc. I never had a boyfriend or a date though because most guys see me as a “Manic Pixie Girl” or it’s because they want to have sex too early. Either way it sucks, but it don’t affect my happiness :-) God has someone for me ❤
Jimmy isn't absolved of the fact that he only chose her based on the MF comparison, while still sleeping with her knowing he's unsure of how he feels
Exactly! He's so concerned with his image and not looking like a shallow guy, but it's obvious that he is. 🤷🏾♀️
Which further proves men will have sex with anyone, anything anytime 🤷🏽♀️
Also she did not say she looked like MF. They were talking about who other people said they looked like and she also said she didn’t see it. He heard what he wanted to hear.
@@Uneclipsed exactly! She said that customers on her flights told her she looked like Megan Fox, but she didn't have to bring that up and the way she did, calling MF "MGK's wife" like she didn't really know who that woman was...that was just cringe. She did herself no favors bringing up that comparison.
How. Seems to me he was trying to make this lowkey catfish situation work and couldn’t ultimately make it work out. But it’s her fault for leaning into and setting up the comparison in everything other than a direct Megan fox photo to lie with.
It’s fine if he’s shallow as that’s what he had expected and wanted for the relationship. From what I can see at least.
fellow black aromantic here!! i remember back when i tried dating apps and i could never click with anyone because it felt weird to seemingly skip the friendship stage and form a romantic interest based on 5 selfies and someone's top 3 hobbies. my insecurities related to relationship fomo had me so depressed that i lost friends over it, but realizing i liked the idea of a relationship more than having an actual partner was the best revelation that ever happened to me
STOPP THIS HAS BEEN ARTICULATED SO WELL !! i can never understand why ppl can go on dates and then fall in love.. like how are y’all not friends first 😭 how tf do you fall in love w a stranger 😭
I'm not sure if I'm aromantic or not but that is something that bothers me about dating apps too. How am I supposed to know if I can be involved romantically with someone if we haven't had friendship experience?
Omg thank you!! Agreed! I no longer use dating apps bc when I used them I felt the same way!
I really dislike online dating because it just feels like you're marketing yourself to others and if you don't want to repeat the validation process you get from social media you just hit a wall.
I'm giving up. I am emotionally exhausted. I was just dumped by someone I met through my coworker (his son) and I was dumb to think he was different. Usually I can be upset for a few days then bounce back, but this time I am just so hurt. I think I've hit my limit. I'm giving up. It doesn't matter how old the guys are, late 20s, early 30s, none of them know that they want and none of them are ready for a relationship. I can't keep doing it.
Just wanted to tell you I'm sending virtual hug. This shit is hard, I feel you.
Same :/
I feel you so much and I havent even really started
Those are boys not men. Men in their 30s are boys nowadays. Go higher in age be very discerning and have options. Don't throw your heart into it. You will not get so hurt and start not to care so much.. Programme yourself. Stop watching romantic films/ series. It's not real..
It’s true in every decade. I have met toddlers with more emotional maturity than the men I’ve met in their 40s. I have met much older men (60s) who I enjoy talking to but not interested in physically. I’m praying, cuz God can do it
"People will do so much (. . .) for the concept of love and won't be able to define it for you (. . .)."
Oof yes! Hit the nail right on the head.
Everyone is getting on Chelsea's ass because she said other people told her she looks like Megan Fox (and I agree, she looks like MF like 10 faces ago).But they're ripping her looks and personality to shreds and then telling her to stop being so insecure. I don't think anyone should've been talking about looks at all in the pods but damn, to go through all this for...Jimmy?? I feel for her. I'm sure she IS insecure, and maybe clingy, but I'm sure she can also tell he's not that into her, and when someone is saying one thing but acting like they feel the opposite, it can make you feel crazy.
I don't mean to be mean but Jimmy has the looks and personality of a thumb :/
I swear, I was watching the episode 8 yesterday and I was looking her on the profile just talking to jimmy and she totally has Megan Fox features, even the way her mouth moves when she talks...and honestly? being insecure or not makes 0 difference, look at AD, she's confident in her own skin and guys treat her like a piece of meat, that dude has 0 interest in being with her in an emotional level, he just "likes" her because they look good together, homeboy not even sleeping at home with AD and talking about how "awesome they would look together" back when she was cheerleading 💀💀💀
Nah. If you can tell someone doesn’t like you but you make a fool of yourself trying to force them to love you, you’re actually crazy
@@carolitoffana She does! The facial features are definitely there. Idk if Jimmy expected a 1-2-1 replica of Megan Fox to walk out, but I truly don't think you should be entering this type of show if the potential looks will make-or-break your decisions. Like Clay and his need for a big ass above all else. I need AD to please wake up!! You make such a great point: Insecure or confident, you can still get disrespected by your partner no matter how you feel about yourself.
She should have NEEEEVVEEERRRR said that in the pods. She planted that seed on purpose so he would choose her over Jessica and it backfired bigtime. She’s a very insecure person who needs to learn how to love herself before dating anyone.
To quote olivia "it's brutal out here."
Ain’t that just the way. 😕
I really wish I dated more in my younger years bc being so inexperienced but desiring to date as an adult todayyyy seems like an insane mess
This speaks to me on a spiritual level!!!
This so hard
OMG are you me. I had bf around 18, then dated a bit after the break up. I'm 30 now and thoughts of even try dating seems like such a mess. Nahh.
THIS! I feel so naive and at such a disadvantage in the dating pool due to my inexperience 😭
Yaaaay old gang reprezent 🥴
I love how Khadija always looks like a baffled auntie on the thumbnails. You articulated something for me that probably saved me years of resistance. I'm in my early 20s and the resistance to my natural state is something that came about in recent years. So thank you for allowing me to confront this through your video.
Being asexual was wayyyy easier for me to figure out than being aromantic. What you described is so accurate to my experience. I'll get into relationships, then immediately realize how trapped it makes me feel because of romantic expectations. It's taken a while to settle in and accept that maybe I just dont like being in relationships! And yet I love deep friendships and platonic intimacy and flirting with everyone lol. I'm like a polyamorous aroace person which is so bizarre to even conceptualize.
greetings from a fellow polyamorous, gay and Ace/Aro human 👋🏾🌈
It really was much easier to realise and make peace with being ace, than figuring out the romance thing 😮💨
I don't think I'm asexual or aromatic but this describes me tbh. This could also be a fear of commitment or avoidant attachment though? Because I'm 100% an avoider and try to not attach to anyone and tend to keep my feelings and emotions kind of locked up. I like the idea of romantic stuff but don't really like doing it in real life (I only like holding hands, being in someone's arms/hugging, but that's kind of platonic, right?). And I also feel trapped in romantic relationships because I really need space and like spending time alone. Maybe relationships are not my thing or maybe it's different when you're with the right person?
Omg I feel so seen in this comment!
Yeah, this.
yes!
Guy I was dating for 10 months ghosted me last week. Ready for this 💀
😨😳😱💔
Damn, sorry that happened to you. On the positive side the trash let itself out ❤️🩹
Good riddance!! ❤
@@slickandslaycious6579 absolutely. I vacillate between being furious at the disrespect and low key grateful to be free of his nonsense. 🦋 I’m through the heartbreak phase and noticing how much happier I am without him.
WTF?
Better is out there for you 😎
17:34 I think there’s also an issue where people show up for you, but not authentically, so there is built-up resentment. To genuinely enjoy “giving” is different than “giving” for an end goal …that is more like manipulative love. I think this is a lot of why people end up and unhappy situations, they wanna hoard someone than actually be with them; again the commodification of love. Do you care about them or you care about the idea of them with you. Sometimes you have to deconstruct to construct healthfully but not a lot of people are mature or willing to do that work.
Thisss and
When you identify as a people pleaser, it makes saying no even harder . So when people are able to say no, when you aren’t, there’s almost like this jealousy that you didn’t do what you wanted because you were trying so hard to make them happy…. Not like I’m speaking from personal experience or anything 👀
This is so well said
You can tell their niceness is performative. They’re writing it all down 😅
"Ya'll hug a lot, don't you?"
Same with the unspoken no hugging policy in my household but being very much exposed to the things I watched on TV, I just absorbed this idea that human touch was only explicitly meant to be a romantic/sexual thing.
Please explain residential school survivor. Is that home school or..?
@@szasremmurd8002 it was compulsory government school Native American children were forced to attend. The last one closed in the 90s, if that tells you how fresh the scars are. There was a LOT of abuse that happened there throughout US and Canada. It was essentially cultural genocide. For example, how my grandfather was beaten for speaking Tsalagi, our language. "Save the man, kill the Indian" was their motto
Theres a study done on rats that proves what you just stated is true. Rats would get shocked in a lab and there would be a chemical smell. The CHILDREN of these rats were never exposed to shock but they reacted with panic when introduced to the chemical smell. Our ancestors' fears and traumas LITERALLY GET PASSED DOWN TO US.
@@patriot-hj5vxit's called epigenetics, its a super fascinating blossoming field of biology.
Love the inclusion and discussion about how neurodivergent people approach dating and relationships in comparison to neurotypical people. As someone who is neurodivergent, your analysis is very accurate to me and has been a big reason why people like me struggle to even make friends with neurotypical people, because that base line communication is just so different. And for that reason, I'm very happy dating someone with a similar mind to mine and I don't think I'd find that connection with someone neurotypical or has no consideration or understanding about how different it is for people like me
Turning 25 this year and I’ve never been in a relationship. It’s so fucking bad out here yall.
Best of luck...really...
Sigh. Yeah, same. As Kareena said, best of luck
same lol, it feels like there is something I don't understand that everyone else does
Well, ive been in several long term relationships, but I now recognize i was trying to just adapt myself to someone incompatible, was codependent, was toxic, had dysfunctional patterns, had trauma in my past i didnt heal. And every single marriage i observed around me growing up was toxic and not loving. So i wont be getting into another relationship easily any time soon. Most friends i know have sex at the root of their relationship.
26:00 Autism girlie here!
Autism is a genuine disability and needs to be treated as such. While I do agree that everyone needs extra help, especially in today's society, reframing autism as a different way of thinking has been reductive to the nature of living with my disability. It has been a helpful stepping stone in getting people out of the "high functioning vs low functioning" spectrum mindset and changing the conversation to person-first rather than disability-first, but it's akin to arguing the philosophy that being in a wheelchair is a different way of walking. It's not helping anyone up those stairs. Autism is a disability and needs to be respected as such.
Love your videos! I just wanted to take up the invitation to clarify.
I think there is a disagreement between those with autism. Some don't want it to be seen as a disability, fearing that it will make them seen as less worthy of respect, especially in mental fields, like content creator, so they downplay the disability. Others, like you and myself, need the world to recognize it as a disability because we need access to medical resources and even financial assistance that we can't get unless the world recognizes we need the help. It's very complicated how to address it because even those with autism disagree on how it should be addressed.
PERIOD
I 100% agree with your comment, couldn’t have put it into better words myself.
@@GenerationNextNextNext "be seen as a disability, fearing that it will make them seen as less worthy of respect" as a disabled person, disability doesnt care about whether you wanna be othered or associated with other disabled people. sorry but reading it phrased like that was so gross, cant believe disabled people wanna be on any sort of high horse
I don't think its as simple as a disability either.
I started dating a guy, and I didn't like him more than as a friend, but I thought my feelings would develop. They didn't. I think it's really important to go for what you want, not what's convenient.
Even if someone is great, you need to feel it at some point, or else you're going to hurt the other person.
i’m literally having this situation right now 😭 the guy i like, we’ve known each other for a couple of years, started talking again and in a relationship with him. I really like him as a friend, still unsure if romantically
@sabrina1646 That sounds very difficult! I sorta only figured out what I wanted by talking to a friend and realizing I had to make a decision (i feel relief I was honest, but I'm still pretty sad). I hope things go well with you. Breaking up doesn't have to mean you lose the person, but it's risky enough to make it nerve-wracking. I hope you both are able to figure out what's up.
@@Beth4ny thank you! And understandable, the mixed feeling of relief but also being sad that something ended! Im glad you’re feeling relieved! ❤️ And yeah it is nerve wracking how things would go, just hoping things go in the best directing and not jumping the gun too soon ahah!
I saw this quote a while that I feel addressed the difference in (online)dating for men and women. “Men are dying of thirst in a desert, women are dying of thirst in the sea.”
Especially on dating apps, men are often not chosen, or their efforts are not reciprocated. They tend to swipe on most anyone for the chance of some sort of connection or sex. Versus women who have an abundance of options and could have hundreds of likes on a profile but none of the candidates are genuinely interested or who that woman actually wants.
Both sides are experiencing the same loneliness and disappointment.
very apt analogy. drink only saltwater and you still die of dehydration
Oh aye, unless you go on Grinder.
Then you are drowning it dick pics as soon as you act even a little friendly. But you know what you're on there for. And they know why you are their.
So you've just got to roll with the ocean. And hope that one of those hook ups turns to something more.
PERFECT. LITERALLY THIS.
What About the nonbinaries?
This is the truth. I think we are finally realizing that men and women are really not that compatible without social rules pressuring people to get married and have kids. It is in women's nature to pick the most above average male to stay with for a lifetime and it is in male nature to do the least work possible to get fast sex from women. Our objectives are completely opposite of each other.
Oh my GOD I felt that upper-octave "I DON'T WANT A PARTNER!" shriek in my soul. I've been VERY sure of this part of myself all my life but this made me feel a little less broken about it. And I can't tell you how comforting it was not only to hear so many of my own feelings echoed in such deliberately thoughtful words but also the absolute mic drop of "people that have never asked themselves these questions will question me on why I'm choosing this kind of life." Keeping that thought in my back pocket
38 y/o here, your 30s is where you truly get to know yourself unapologetically, as well as the ppl and behaviors you want, accept and will not accept. Keep it simple and live how you want to live ❤
The “it's Jessica!!!” *chef’s kiss* well done, was dying every time 🤣
Same omfg
I was like THIS IS A SERIOUS VIDEO STOP LAUGHING 🤣🤣🤣
“I’m in hererrrrrrr” mmmmmhmmmmmmmmm
I’m 29 dating a 35 divorcée, on god the difference between a man looking for what’s out there vs one that is focused on a goal of finding the one they can vibe with til death do us part, is like night and day. The number of first dates I’ve been on has been worth it to me.
Wish us luck, y’all!
Why is he so old though?
@@semyaza555he was born six years earlier than me.
@@Bridget466 Lmfao okay this response was legitimately funny.
@@Bridget466 (Hope you guys work out btw)
@@semyaza555what world is 35 even old?
Gamifying relationships has deteriorated our ability to connect imo. I really appreciate that people are moving away from heteronormativity in their relationships BUT its important that people can figure themselves out before going down the "this is what I'm supposed to do path" as it ends up hurting all parties involved. Relationships are all different, people being clear about what they want and what they can realistically give is so so important
To be fair, people change constantly. Sometimes you can do all this mental work but until you are in the situation, it's hard to determine what will happen. That's why I like that phrase love is a gamble
You screaming I don’t WANT A PARTNER! Wow…I am seen. THANK YOU! If it happens, okay, but people are obsessed with “finding” this love within another person. I think it can be so beautiful but I’m at the point where I found that love inside myself. If it can grow with someone else, I am open, but I am not going to hunt for it until my last dying breath 😂
I have a boyfriend, but we might as well just be friends with how little effort he puts into everything, how he hides me from the people in his life, and how he doesn't like going on dates outside of chilling at home. Add in one sided sex, barely even texting, not even thinking about moving in with me, and you have a recipe for disaster/being a second mom to him. He might have autism of some kind but that's no excuse.
I'm going to break up with him and focus on myself from now on. I realized through this that men are not worth the hassle and self interest isn't a choice. Anyone can say they love or want you, but actions speak louder than words and most people want someone just to not be alone, not someone to actually spend time with and love on in a back and forth way.
Fuckkkk that! You deserve better fr 👏
Get out of there girl! Always value your happiness and mental health first
So one loser of a dude made you see men as a whole not worth the hassle? Okay gondate women then and see if they're worth the hassle and report back in a few years.
Yep girl! Leave his ass! 🎉❤
Break up with him with a text message, if any of his belongings are at your place send them to him with a tracking, nothing else required
I've never understood people dating people they wouldn't be friends with. I was friends with all my exes before I dated them. We dated because we got along, and we remained friends afterwards at least for a while (one I lost to a drug problem and the other we just drifted apart slowly and lost touch and now I can't find her because she deleted all her social media.)
If my current partner and I broke up I don't see us not being friends, unless it ended poorly. We bonded over music, tv shows, and video games and we spend most of our time doing said things together. Its hard for us to go out on a date somewhere because we don't like going out much and we'd rather play a game together.
I just don't understand the need to date someone you wouldn't want to be friends with. sleeping with someone, sure, but getting into a long term relationship with someone I couldn't see myself hanging out with if my libido died the next day? Don't get it.
Same. I've only dated friends and it generally works for me because I value quality friendships. One of my exes was a friend for five years, then my partner for six, and now we've been friends again for three years. I get avoiding the messiness of dating within a friend group, but I think it closes people off from potentially good partners.
@@Lhene9 Rlly this has NEVER worked for me it usually ends up with them never reciprocating the feeling then the friendship is ruined
I was saying this for a long time but it didn't work for me in reality. I ended up dating a person who ticks most of the boxes on paper except for one - I wouldn't be friends with him if we weren't dating. We just don't click, we have different interests, different sense of humor (and it's a big thing for me), it's really difficult to hold a simple small-talk conversation with him, however he is supportive, I feel safe with him and we can have deep conversations. But I'm not sure if it's gonna last because I really wish our communication was more easygoing and fun.
On the other hand, I've been on lots of dates and met lots of different people and from my experience, I wouldn't want to date most of the people who I really clicked with because it's not enough. You should also be physically attracted to the person (and they should be attracted to you!!), have similar views and values, and the list goes on. It's different for everyone, but it's important for me. And in reality - I liked this one guy, he was really fun, we had similar sense of humor, I was attracted to him, he was ticking most of the boxes. But there's a twist - he was not that into me and was only interested in casual dating (and I was looking for a committed exclusive relationship). So it's really hard. But I'm sure there is a person out there who can be a perfect match for me tbh, I'm not losing hope.
@@just_rita6505 Yeah usually you have to compromise, or prioritize on what values are important when dating. The qualities I need in my partner aren't the same as what I want. So good communication, mentally healthy for the most part, responsible and reliable. What I want is at least baseline attractive (doesnt have to be a model but have features I find endearing) and at least 50% of things in common. I dont think the perfect match exists, but if you do find that person kudos to you.
This 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My husband basically said the same thing, EVERYONE could benefit from that relationship coaching in Love on the Spectrum.😂
I completely understand the two separate bedrooms. The space is so needed and losing my space is like AHHHH.
I am Aromantic. This is the most INTERNALIZED stuff I swear.
I also struggle with ADHD, and depression/anxiety. Stuff that you have to learn it's ok if I'm not like other people.
But aromantic and asexual just hits SO deep.
With ADHD. I'm no good at school (I'm not great at work either but) thats ok there's different jobs not everyone's good at school. Yes there's the expectation to being an employee or a student but you can see others struggle, even if you think of it as "failure" and put yourself down for it.
Romance? Sex? It's discussed in the terms of "you aren't HUMAN if you don't do this"
"EVERYONE. Wants this."
"Friendships MEAN LESS than romantic relationships" and socially THEY DO MEAN LESS. People genuinely treat them that way. It's...
It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with.
I’m by no means asexual or aromantic but more just taking a long break from romantic relationships. During this, seeing my best friends put me on the back burner for their partners at every turn has been eye opening to how normalized prioritizing romance above long term platonic friendships has been internalized. It’s been a hurtful thing to experience as well. It’s extra hurtful because before they jumped into their relationships we all talked about how we wouldn’t let any romance come between or above our friendship and yet it’s exactly what happened.
it’s BIZARRE to be a 20-year-old relationship + sex virgin, wake up one day, and realize everyone you know is dating.
i’m honestly proud of my sense of self-worth, i like that i’m not so dependent on love, but at the same time, it seems like having a bunch of toxic messy relationships is essential character building.
i’m doing a weird reverse engineering-thing where now i’m thinking of getting a drinking problem and dating around just so i have some life experience 😭
It’s oki you do you and life will come at you at some point and you’ll get your own share of messy experiences for sure x) (even if it’s not in the romantic realm right away necessarily!)
Honestly, just do you, anything Else is Just fomo. I didnt Date until i was 23 and only got a proper Relationship at 25.
I didnt wait so much as was crippled by self esteem issues, and worked on those eventually. Once i stopped fretting about it, i learned to recognized opportunities. By the time i dated, i Had Seen enough in the world around me to avoid toxic stuff (Not enough to avoid a messy Break Up tho...) and got a Lot more comfortable with Just being... Me. Single, Not single, doesnt Matter.
Basically: Just make Sure that whatever you do, it's Not fomo speaking
i know i'm also still young (I'm 17) but it is weird seeing everyone around me seemingly becoming more adult. I've never dated, never had sex, i've never been drunk, i've never partied, or ANYTHING. Its weird and kind of hard seeing the people around you becoming more experienced. Its kind of worrying because i feel like i might be wasting my life away at home but also i don't even know if that kind of lifestyle appeals to me but i feel so boring sometimes. Tbh though, i don't feel like i could even sustain a relationship haha.
turning 22 soon and same but i fret less about it now than i did at say 18 y/o. I just embrace that i’m a bit more traditional when it comes to romance.
Girl trust me take your time! And trust me having sex, drinking, etc is not always a vibe. I waited to have sex until 24 and was super insecure about it and the guy I slept with gave me a STD and didn’t even have feelings for me so everything just fell apart. I wish I had higher standards!! I understand wanting to get experience but trust me you do not want to be like everyone else because a lot of people are low key damaged.
Plus once you start dating you realize that a bunch of people have issues, baggage and insecurities and they’ll want to drag you down with them if you’re not careful. If you want to date have boundaries and standards and stay away from users and abusers.
The “come on ubiquity” cut had me on my kitchen floor WHEEZING
This hot chicks Jessica meme is KILLING ME. the nostalgia!!!!
I actually laughed out loud at that part lmfaaaooo
I was at work and I just kept cracking up everytime I heard that part 😂😂
15:13
This was really good!!!! I have zero interest in being in a relationship. I just want a really good friend that occasionally wants affection. 100% agree about wanting to be solo, and truly liking your own physical, mental, and emotional space. I have people treating me like a little kid, simply because I’m not down to chase the imaginary “magic person” that’s supposed to be my person. Thanks for sharing, it’s so refreshing to hear someone talk about this with honesty and in a positive way.
The way that Khadija is talking about aromanticism and they’re realisation sounds a lot like my awakening to being demisexual. So does the inevitable questioning of you…I am 33 years old and I have spent the last 3 years answering variations on ‘are you sure?’ as though, as a fully grown person who has existed in a world obsessed by romance and sex, I have not tried the ‘normal’ way. So, to Khadija I say, totally hear you and think it’s great you’ve reached some comfort with this truth!
i really do think a lot of the allure of meeting 'the one' is just an infatuation with the idea of being chosen/being desired/someone else seeing you and continuing to choose you even when it gets hard. and i think a lot of that serves as a distraction for our own internal work, allowing us to shy away from asking ourselves 'why aren't i choosing myself? why do i find myself hard to love?' etc. of course there's the aspect of being emotionally and physically intimate with someone, but as far as the IDEA of The One, i think it could be traced back to the first sentence (this of course coming from someone who is also probably on the aromantic spectrum... but still!)
oooh… this hit me 😭😭😭😭😭 time to journal .. and mention this idea to my therapist
This is SO true. I'm in a polyamorous relationship, and I had to unlearn this thinking. A lot of monogamy is based on boosting one's ego and validating someone as a whole, when that eventually is unsustainable. In polyamory, I had to get used to the idea that if someone wants to date me, that doesn't mean that I'm better than anyone else or "the chosen one", it just means that I'm fun to hang out with without being compared to other people. It made it much more important to validate myself than rely on my relationships to do that.
Stop attacking me 😭😭(also coming from someone on the aromantic spectrum)
I agree with a lot of this. I think also you can be secure in choosing yourself and love yourself but ALSO want the addition of yes someone choosing you and continuing to choose you. I don’t think one or the other is mutually exclusive if that makes sense. Like I can fully have come into my own accepting loving and choosing myself while also realizing that it’s human nature as social creatures to obtain a stable connection. Connection and touch have been studied on how much the human psyche can be reliant and improved by these such things.
@@thornesmithe5697 I agree!!
I love that you mentioned that it's usually people who haven't questioned themselves who question those who've taken time to understand themselves better.
I've learned not to entertain such people. I'm not here to make such people secure about the choices they've made and / or their idealism.
Online dating 20 years ago was awful, too!! There was a lot less awareness of the red flags people are now ignoring, and way too many people eager to give away dangerous information.
that part on compatibility? SCREAM THAT SHIT FROM THE MOUNTAINS because that’s what i’ve been talking about with my bf as we’ve been watching Love is Blind through Kennie JD! like at the end of the day i think a lot of people are just trying WAYYYYY too hard to smash two puzzle pieces together that simply do not fit! but humans in general are too stubborn and wrapped up in the sunken cost fallacy or even being in love with the IDEA of being with someone but actually in love with THEM. my bf and I have also been together for 8 years as of this Jan and we’re doing better than we ever have been (we’re 27/28 if that matter) so it’s given me a lot of much needed perspective on what i’ve observed around me as i age with rising divorce rates and people struggling so much to find lasting love, i just think people don’t fuckin like each other and they don’t wanna admit it because they’re not patient enough to find the right person 💀
The puzzle piece analogy is key to Daniel Sloss' comedy special 'Jigsaw' honestly eye opening...
I was just talking to a friend about how I don’t see my life with a partner. It’s something I’m just now coming to grips with. Like it’s so weird to say it out loud and I was feeling nervous about it. Now I feel much better hearing that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I realized that when I was a child/teen and I would picture my fantasy adult life - there was no partner in it. I never dreamed about wedding or being married. My Barbie hung out with Wonder Woman and the Bionic Woman in her cool pad, none of them talked about boys or getting a husband, I had no interest in having a Ken doll so Barbie could date, she took journeys by herself with just her horse, and of course wear fabulous clothes. 😅 But my fantasies never included sharing a life with someone. And that's something I never questioned until recently.
I've been single by choice for many years now, needing time to heal and put my life back together after chronic narcissistic domestic abuse by my last partner. Just now being open to dating again, bc I do miss physical affection (despite the huge technological advances in women's toys) and companionship. However, when I picture the future I want to have, it's just like childhood: there's no husband, no life partner, just me traveling everywhere (by myself) and going to concerts and dancing at clubs, having art be a central focus in my life, as much as doing advocacy/activism. Would like to find friends who could accompany me now amd then. But there's no life partner in my fantasy future.
I'm only now looking at that and what it means. I've been in mostly long term monogamous relationships my whole adult life, shortest was 1.5 yrs, longest was 9 years. So I'm extra behind on how to date in today's hookup culture. But I realized I don't want to share my life with someone, I just want some positive companionship with a decent mature person. And since those are qualities that are hard to find, I'm happy being single.
You're not alone! It's a conclusion I've been creeping towards the last couple years. I can relate to the calm feeling she mentions - it's just the path that feels the most natural to me. ❤️
I feel the same way
i feel the same and ashamed to say it out loud, i picture my self in a beautiful appartement with a cat
I have been disclosing this recently with Family and they cannot wrap their heads around this concept or decentering men altogether. They think it’s a phase lol
I've been dating app free for nearly a decade. I don't miss them one bit. Just trying to live a full and enjoyable life at this point, and savoring single life.
Amen to that
How do you find people?
@endxofxeternity I meet friends by engaging in things I enjoy, investing in myself, making an effort to follow through with my interests. Also seems like that's how I'd meet a potential partner. But I'm enjoying the freedom of being single and don't make an effort to look for a hookup when I'm out. I just focus on having a good time where I am. If someone approaches me I'm friendly, but it's not my goal.
Last time I was ghosted solidified things for me. I liked him a lot. I worked really hard on being ok with rejection. I still struggle with it, but I’m a big girl and I can take being let down gently, but there’s something about ghosting that just feels so callous/cowardly/mean that it hurts way more than someone straight up telling you hey this won’t work out. I cannot take having a deep connection with someone (or even having a really good date with someone with plans to see each other again) and then getting left on read. I think I’m done with dating for now, and if I find someone naturally along the way, then so be it. You guys, be easy out there. ❤
Men in my city never break up with you. They ghost, move to another city or gets their new gf to call you & tell you to leave him alone. Bish what? It's rough.
@@beewest5704I didn't know ghosting was a thing until I started dating. It's very cowardly and sociopathic
Ghosting is incredibly cruel
@@DrAnarchy69 heartless
Yea it hurts so bad 😢
Most of us aren’t even compatible. I’m scared of the dating scene
i think you nailed it Khadija, per usual. Dating feels like a microcosm of the failer in our species' ability to properly socialize due to hyper isolation in a world more and more differently connected due to technology.
a major problem i've had with dating as a person in my early 20s is the constant need to move around. rent and general COL getting higher necessitates switching to better paying jobs and that often means moving cities. every time i've finally found a person i feel comfortable around and have a good time with i've had to move and cut things off.
Oh interesting. I feel like moving city's barely happens in my province (Canadian). There's only 2 places to really live lmao. It would be so exhausting to feel the need to pick up and move almost everytime
@star0nyx here in the US it's pretty common, at least among people my age in my area. We don't have rent control in my state so the COL rises pretty dramatically every year and wages typically don't increase with it. a lot of us also have pretty significant student debt and stuff like that 💀
I had someone do this to me before. I get that you need to move to get better jobs, but what I never understood to this day is why he never discussed moving together. As soon as he got the new job he just moved and cut me off. It felt like I was just a fling to him the whole time. If you're genuinely serious about someone you should approach these things as a couple.
Hi! Neuroatypical girlie here - from my personal experience you are right on point. In essence, my dating struggles were always the same as those of my neurotypical friends. Modern world is so complicated that one doesn't`t have to be atypical to get confused or lost.
I’m turning 30 this year and this really resonated with me. I think I was dating in my teens and 20s bc I didn’t have a sense of self so I attached myself to a partner. Now that I’ve gotten older and developed my own sense of self, I can’t imagine dating and compromising when the result isn’t something I really even want.
I turned 30 last year and I feel this in my soul. My friends who found "the one" early in life say I'm too picky or my standards are too high but it's like... they found each other when they were still building themselves up and integrated the parts that the other needed. I built myself up on my own and now I have to take parts off and rebuild it to integrate another person. So it's a Catch 22 because I need a little more assurance if I'm gonna make that kind of commitment, but I need to make a commitment to get that assurance. 😮💨
Khadija, I came across your channel because of this video and I find you so charismatic! I enjoy listening to you, keep on being you! Much love from the Netherlands ❤
I genuinely feel so bad for people who go through these things, i’m young but never in my life have i dated or come across a man or woman with these behaviors EVER, maybe it’s luck but my heart goes out to y’all
Figuring out if you're on the aromantic spectrum is such a difficult thing to unpack because amatonormativity is so pervasive much like allonormativity, even in queer spaces. The conclusion you have come to about yourself is something I have heard from my fellow aromantics (both ace and allo) and I seriously wish more people would have honest conversations like this with themselves about their actual needs or desires, or lack thereof, instead of giving into societal expectations regarding relationships.
Dating seems a lot like having children, especially in the most developed countries. People are realizing that you don't NEED to date. It's luxury, not survival. You can fulfill most needs that a relationship would offer 100 years ago in other ways. I'd say most folks on dating apps don't feel themselves ready for commitment or aren't emotionally mature enough to be in a relationships, but they still put themselves out there either for hookups or bc of societal pressure.
Hookups are fine. Sex no strings attached is great. As for societal pressure...must be vestige still pushing people to settle down or whatever
All facts. Said something similar and worried it was a bit pessimistic, but yeah
Intimate relationships are not essential
I mean… maybe for some people. I know what I need to feel fulfilled in my life. I have a fulfilling career. I have great hobbies, amazing friends, and a busy schedule. What I emotionally need, is an intimate relationship partner and kids. Some people kind of do need that. It’s just the way that it is.
In fact, I used to try to convince myself that it was society that wanted me to have that more traditional outlook because I recognized the pressure there was on women to exist in a certain way. So I ended up doing casual sex, non-traditional relationships, everything else I could think of. Eventually I had to realize that I just didn’t want any of the things that I 100% other people should be free to want and pursue. In the end, some of us are just wired that way.
@@marietailor3100 I do believe some people want intimate relationships and kids. For me, I never desired relationships, but thought maybe I would want kids. But the universe told me no kids. I have to have a hysterectomy. Since finding that out, I've realized that I had to decide what was most important for me right now and how I could feel fulfilled without the traditional. It was then that I personally found contentment within myself and not in the things I can't control or don't and can't have. But if it's something you can achieve and you really want it, I think it's great to chase the next phase in life because it makes life more exciting when you still have other moments you want to achieve in it.
@@marietailor3100 exactly I dont understand why everyone is always one extreme or the other, it just seems like people trying to justify it more to themselves rather than face the fact that they just might not be the right type of person to settle down with
20:42 I think a good word for this is complementary. Complementary personalities attract and work well together.
Justice for the love in a loveless era video! That's actually one of my favorite videos of yours. I wrote a whole podcast episode idea after watching it a few times.
"it requires a lot of specificity" >> I am officially inspired to get specific about what i want and dont want. Thanks!!!
I am extremely worried about the state of dating right now, because I am also a romantic, and everyone seems to beyond some sort of ego trip that could quite possibly kill romanticism
As someone who’s also been worried about dating for a long time, it’s way better than you think. On apps, it’s atrocious, but even on there I’ve had friends find wonderful partners. It’s better and easier to find a partner through doing more of what you love (hobbies, sports, activism etc), as it creates an organic connection, and there’s less pressure/obligation to rush into sex or dating.
@@katfujioka212 yeah, I agree I have had success myself on dating apps, but I would rather meet people in person but that doesn’t seem like that’s the societal norm. I’ve been out of the dating world for a few years now and it doesn’t seem like people meet in person as much anymore at all.
@@Aliensanonymous_ a lot of things that don’t fit societal norms are really fun, and make more sense! Lots of people still meet in person, they just don’t tend to talk about it as the focus is on that relationship rather than *how* they met (usually).
@@katfujioka212 lots of people do still meet in person but it’s no huge secret that the majority of meeting is now primarily meeting online according to a study conducted this year by Forbes.
I feel like this also really depends on your location. I’ve lived in both small towns and big cities, and let me tell you it is DIFFERENT. People in big cities have insane standards for looks, as well as just more likeliness to always be talking to 4 ppl at the same time and searching for that “next best thing”
I live in a medium sized city and I struggle with dating a lot. I live in upstate NY (basically the northeast). A lot of the guys here suck fr. Where I live, a lot of men ghost or don’t communicate clearly. But I don’t think those are real men, those are boys. I’m 19 and majority of the guys I deal with were under 25 and around my age. I’ve heard that young men tend to be like this but I dealt with a guy that’s 26 in my city, he didn’t give me a chance. He couldn’t communicate clearly either. I met him at my job and he got me in trouble when I was literally just trying to get to know him. And I hate to bring race into it but I’m a black woman who just so happens to date outside of my race and it’s a struggle (and it’s not like dating within your race would be much easier, women still have issues dating within their race as well so I wouldn’t say it’s a race thing).
Being aromantic is so much more complicated than it seems on the outset. I've always identified as aromantic, but recently been having to reevaluate exactly HOW I'm aromantic, if that makes sense. Like can I date? Can I have a partner? Do I even want to do those things at all in a genuine way, or am I feeling the pressure to do it from outside sources? Being aromantic, especially if you aren't asexual, is to live constantly reevaluating your own brain.
💯
Ugh, society makes me feel so bad for not having dated while I'm close to thirty and it deep rooted so many insecurities of mine, while the truth is also that I haven't felt that click with anybody and maybe maybe I won't. But it's always the pity looks and the supportive "you'll find someone, it happens when you don't expect it, don't worry you are loveable too, you just haven't experienced it yet, I don't know how you do it you are really strong doing all of this alone ". I get that it's coming from a kind place, but now it also feel a bit condescending and tiny bit judgemental of my character (might be from a my own projection too I don't deny it)
Truth is, now my standard have grown, because I did too and I am more confident that I know myself and there are relationships around me that I also wouldn't wish for myself, so maybe it will take even longer for something to happen, and again, I know that maybe I won't be fulfilled in a relationship anyway and the response to that is even worse with a lot of "don't give up there is someone out there for you"
Sometimes I just feel really uncomfortable with talking about love and relationships with people
Loved the video I think I really leaned toward similar views. I spend so long analysing love, intimacy and my relation to them and what came out was really the craving of deep connection to people and community more than the monogamous relationship that a lot of my friends are comfortable in. I do somewhat envy them though, to fit easily in that pattern when my journey sometimes felt and feels just hard to de tangled 😂 but I learn more and more to be okay with just me and trying to shut down the constant comparaison
I totally relate to that having that inkling of fomo when is comes to friends sharing their own personal romantic/sexual endeavours (especially as a 16 year old), but I’ve always taken the time to truly find the origins of those feelings and ultimately realized that the effort and exhaustion that comes with trying to date as a Gen a teen is ABSOLUTELY not what u currently desire.
I can’t help but be grateful these conversations I have with myself (even when they’re sometimes a bit disappointing) because I think that this boundary has helped me avoid making possibly detrimental decisions in my personal life 😅
Comparing ourselves to others is something we’ve all done, at least once, so I hope you realize you’re not inadequate or alone into this situation ❤
Plus, the people who feel the need to pressure or patronize those of us who aren’t actively searching for or have found love can kick rocks! Your happiness and tranquility is forever priority~
OMG! Same! I was 35 years old when I realized I am asexual. Like you, so many things made sense! Congratulations on your realization!
This video made me think of Sternberg's Triangular Love Theory. (Not to be confused with Love Triangles!) Sternberg proposes that there are 3 kinds of love categories. Lust/Seggshooul/Passion is the first. Romantic/intimate/emotional was the second. His third category I think is particularly interesting and never part of the discourse as its own thing: Decision/Commitment. Why is nobody talking about Commitment orientation? The Passion Category is about who you want to grope and play with, the Intimate Category is about who you want to say "I love you" to, hear them say it back, and be vulnerable with. And finally, the Commitment category is who you want to get married to, buy a house with, and be buried next to. I say this all the time, but I think the concept of being "A-commitment" as an orientation might explain a lot of people's situations better than "A-romantic."
Why would I want to be buried next to someone I don’t want to say “I love you” to
@@Rizzal169Well you know those old people couples where they don't really express love that much but would do anything for the other
seggshooul is the worst way anyone has ever spelt that
@@hoaxghost3268 Trying to avoid the algorithm automatically deleting my comment, lol.
Interesting
Your praise of Love on the Spectrum reminds me that when my husband overheard some of the dating advice on the show, neurotypical him said “That would’ve saved me a lot of grief.”
i thought i was aromantic once in my early 20s bc i would be in relationships with ppl and they would note that i was rather detached or not performing the relationship the way they expect it to go and.. that felt so stifling because it wasnt innate to me.. it was an act that i needed to commit to in order to sustain this union that im protecting for whatever reason despite my indifference...
then i discovered i wasn't affectionate with anyone else bc i was uncomfortable and just didnt like them, i didn't like the expectation or spectacle of romance.. the idealism of how it is "supposed" to be.. the flowers that are destined to wilt
that feeling of performance went away when i dated someone i actually liked lmfao we're doing great
glad to hear y'all are doing great!! ❤
Im 20 and dating in general scares me.Idk how people do it.
The internet and social media has just made dating seem impossible at a glace. When that happens, that means you need to step away from the internet and do it the old school way of meeting people through people you know, or in natural interactions with people if you feel like you might be clicking with the person. I'm not too thrilled with how the internet has made people so avoidant and cynical, if you have a great idea of a healthy relationship (maybe through reading web articles), to help guide you in your interests and boundaries, then maybe you have a chance in finding someone special. Basically, get out of your comfort zone, the internet is boring space to feel safe in and taking a risk is good.
watching this after the most devastating breakup i’ve ever experienced was really needed - specifically when you pointed out that people with different attachment styles and previous traumas can have a much harder time compromising and maybe it’s not the healthiest for the love in the relationship (pp)- is something i wish i knew beforehand :(
My ex was so traumatized by the women she dated before me - that once she found someone who didn't lie and cheat (me), she accused me of being just like her exes. People who have lingering trauma from past relationships SHOULD NOT date.
me trying to express this to my friends while they just say that in order to move on you need to find someone new 😭 the understanding of trauma is nowhere to be found
This will be fun. I’m 38 and basically gave up. Lmao
Same - 39 and same lol
@@TaterKakez 35 and same!
37 and.... Shoot lol I think I'm becoming like all of you haha. Thanks capitalism for being the main reason why can't fully love each other...
No guys we haven’t given up, we’ve decided the state of things is not worth it.
39 here and have given up. It's the same rotation of men in my area who say they want a relationship but really want to go from women to women, until they reach late thirties, then they will suddenly become desperate to find someone in there twenties to have kids with.
Welcome and pleasant travels on your Aro journey!
My mother came out as Asexual in her late 50s. She explained that before she googled some things she was feeling and reading some definitions on Tumblr, she thought she was just broken. Now she is full of pride and confidence like I've never seen her before.
Thank you for your insightful video and great advice. These conversations are really important to have publicly and often.
And to any tumblr girls in the comments, I'll never be able to thank you all enough for how you helped my mom.
so happy for you coming to terms with being aromantic khadija! im autistic and with a possibly autistic partner (undiagnosed but likely from our shared experiences and similarities), and our experience of dating has been so different from anything ive ever experienced or seen. im also trans, so that adds an entirely different layer to everything. i feel like we don’t give each other enough grace and compassion as people which is what ive learned from being with my partner. a lot of people have a giant checklist of things their partner has to have, which is fine but in my opinion, that means you don’t really want to get to know a person for the sake of connection and growth. its sad because i think people really miss out on amazing life experiences because of a lack of conflict resolution skills, trust, and extending compassion enough to someone to see them as a flawed human being. like the other day i told someone i was puerto rican and they were like “i hate puerto ricans because my ex was puerto rican so now i try to stay away” like 😭 y’all crazy
also people like actively REFUSE fluidity. what you want in a relationship is up to you and only you, why are we following rules on love that may not even apply to us in that moment in time (because that can change). love being taboo and simultaneously so YEARNED for in our society leads to us feeling shame and we end up settling for the commodified version of love that we may not identify with. i know i surely do not identify with mainstream “love” as a trans autistic person with cptsd…that is just not and will never be me.
"Can you trust me to live my life the way I want to??" Ooohhhh THISSSSS is such a good line
“Why Does the Earth Give Us People to Love?” by Kara Jackson is an album that encapsulates my feelings on love. Would recommend giving it a listen for anyone open to folk-influences in music.
I'm loving this album. So candid and earthy. Thank you for the recommendation! :)
Rarrrrg that album is so damn good.
AROMANTICS! I'm so happy to hear you're Aromantic as well. It is so misunderstood even to us as you expressed. When you finally find the term and it just puts meaning to how you've always felt different. And the STIGMA around it as people assume we're players or cold . We literally just love people just not interested in coupling romantically and we're healthy people.
you just articulated and untangled a complicated mess of feelings/thoughts i've had towards dating for years. the relief this video brought me is insane. thank you!
to quote whoopi goldberg, "i don't want somebody in my house"
Honestly thank you for this!! I’ve been thinking I might be aromantic for a while now but I’ve lowkey been in denial about it- and then I related SO HARD to pretty much everything you said when you were talking about your experiences. It’s the first time I’ve gotten to hear someone describe my own feelings in such a similar way and it’s like a massive relief to know- not only that other people feel that way- but that you feel so empowered by being able to be honest with yourself about it!! So again, thank you for sharing ❤
Same!! Took me until my mid-30s to realize normal dating and relationships is not for me. Deep friendships and maybe sex, all the way. Could've saved some broken hearts had I figured it out sooner. :-/
But you figured it out nowww, very fair to grieve thee lost time ✨
I feel you. I declared myself a forever bachelorette 8 years ago, and have felt so much more free to be me. I love my own space and time to learn more about myself and the world, I have no want to be in a relationship but still love the idea of deep connections. I still enjoy the sexy thing, though. I don’t need anyone to complete me because I am already whole.
I've never actually thought about aromanticism like this.
I'm aroace, and before I listened to you speak about your experience, I didn't realize how much my asexuality colored my aromanticism. Thanks for helping me understand this spectrum better! I hope you have a good great excellent time in Camp Aromantic. Welcome.
I appreciate your perspective and your tiny fuzzy mic. The first makes me think and the latter makes me giggle.
Congrats on coming out as aro! I relate so hard to the thing about picturing friendships in the future but not a partner. I realized I'm aromantic within the past few years, and it's such a freeing thing to realize there isn't something wrong with you, you just don't actually want that for yourself and your life.
This could not be more spot on lol - I used to be a hopeless romantic and would go on dates with so many people and have decided to prioritize myself this year for the first time and take a break from the entire dating scene and feel SUCH immense relief! I don't know what's up with dating right now but I've lived in LA for 8 years and have never been in a relationship/ have only been in "situationships" 🙅🏽♀ Yes, I have learned to walk out of those because I deserve better, but it does feel like overall, people purposely want to keep things vague and tease the idea of a relationship but not fully commit to one, reaping some benefits but leaving out accountability measures, whether because they aren't ready, don't know what they really want, want to be persuaded to like you even if they've already gone out with you - the list goes on, but I've come to the conclusion that it's just going to take finding the right person at the right time who doesn't make you question yourself; if someone isn't willing to invest the time of some awkward stages in dating because that's part of dating, it's a vulnerable thing to do - leave!! It hurts and sometimes you're on the other side too but be upfront about your feelings with yourself and others and that's the best you can do, don't need to chase or force something that isn't the real deal; Wrote a whole screenplay about this very topic because the dating scene right now really be wilding 😂 hope those in a similar spot can find joy in self-love for the time being:)💗
Very happy for your (probable, - cit. you) aromantic awakening, and for being comfortable talking about it!
About the "how do you know you are asexual/aromantic, maybe you just haven't found the right person", a great response that I stumbled upon, and that might be very suited at shutting up the person who asks these silly questions, is "I prefer defining myself based on my current lived experience, not about your future imagined scenarios". Hope this is helpful to somebody (especially to those who should stop aking these questions)
Thank you soooo much for being so open about being aromantic. Hearing your journey is like watching a video of my life.
Now in my late 30s admitting this openly i can finally be myself. Wish i had a video like this as a teen lol would have saved a lot of ppl myself included a lot of grief.
Love all of your videos 💕
22:07 You’re right about the compromise. I tend to shut down too, and I voice that to the other party, saying that I can’t handle it at the moment and that I need space. However, some people just keep pushing and pushing, cornering me, yelling, screaming in my face, telling me that it’s wrong to do that, that it won’t fix anything, that I’m running away, cowardly, and/or giving attitude. Those moments have given me such deep trauma that I tend to just not voice anything anymore because there’s no point and they’ll just turn what I say against me somehow. I’m trying to fix it though, to be better, even if I’ve lost trust.
I’m in my late 20s and have been thinking a lot about my relationship to romantic connection and how it fits into the rest of my life. I really appreciate your deep wisdom and self-knowledge - thanks for sharing it with all of us.
"We keep saying we want to date our best friend but then we don't date people we would actually be friends with" I need to stop watching your videos because you keep calling me out
😂