Yes! My x covert wife. (Have children with her) Moved in with the new target after knowing him 3 weeks. She's been living in his house 2.5 months now. Won't get a job. These people truly are a suck on others. She did same thing to me. 20 yrs ago. Pheeeew Glad I finally woke up.. Having children and wanting to be with someone will keep you stuck in things you don't like. But I'm here to tell you 15 months later. PEACE is a real thing. Self happiness is a real thing. RUN!
If they are married or have a girlfriend/boyfriend, don’t fall for “I never cheat, I’m just unhappy with him/her and I feel you’re the one” speech. He/she’ll cheat on you next.
Really, are you married to someone who is disabled who can’t have sex, women have needs just like men, there is a rumor that started women DONT NEED ANYTHING, we are just slaves to others, your delusional
Same. The idea of seeing him one day with the young, perfect wife’s he’s going to have, is enough to make me feel like I’m not good enough for that “Great romance” someone else is going to have with him :/
@@GiGiDaniels449 once you are on the other side of the equation the person will no longer be attractive to you and you will be personality disorder proof.
A lot of covert narcs, the ones I’ve encountered anyway, don’t lovebomb. But one consistent trait is the inability to take responsibility for their circumstances; they will always find someone or something to blame.
I’ve had to run away from sadly all of my siblings. They aren’t nice to me but expect me to I don’t know put up with abuse and their never ending manipulations. Some siblings I actually fear. It’s terrible. I wish I did have one sibling I could safely have a relationship with. It’s a cycle of offering some fake friendship, I get sucked back in, the abuse starts again, I ruminate about it over and over and over again trying to understand it, I go no contact.
Me too. My ex didn't love-bomb me.... She sex-bombed me because she couldn't say " I love you". She hated kissing also. She only kissed me one time passionately on our first date to hook me. It worked. But during sex she didn't want kissing.
@@plusone8015 I have two small doggies. Latest crazy is one of them refusing to not talk about religion because I didn’t “ have the authority” to ask her not to, regardless we disagree.
They may also say things like; 1/ You are too good for me 2/ I'm so broken 3/ I can't imagine a life without you 4/ I can't control my emotions Folks, please plan how to get rid of them asap. Really listen to what they are telling you. Choose yourself over toxic individuals, love yourself and take care; leave them safely and block them if you can.
I was married to one for 34 years, together 36, things never ever got better, toxic relationship caused by him but, he was so good at shifting the blame, people thought it was me who was causing all the drama!! Thing is as well, narcissists are so good at being nice to people outside, everyone thinks they are great🤷🏻♀️so when you do tell people what’s been going on, they don’t believe you!!!
Imagine being in a relationship with someone who wouldn't admit to any mistake. Someone whose apologies are laced with "but you made me do it". Someone who would use suicide threats when she didn't get her way (read, agree with everything I say and do). Someone who doesn't want you being close with your own parents and siblings. Someone who bad mouths you to strangers she met a few days ago. Someone who applies double standards on accountability, none for them but extreme control for you. Someone who leaves you after a petty argument days after you've lost your dad. Someone who insults when you disengage from a senseless argument since you want a sober discussion not a shouting match.
The "love and sex bombing" started right from the very beginning - first date. Wish I had known about this early sign. It was intense and I remember thinking that this was unlike any other relationship I had been in. It didn't take long after marriage for the extreme opposite to occur. I was completely denied sex and any sense of love. Sex became a tool for her control.
Was told early on after some argument or emotional breakdown... "Why would you want me? I'm broken and I can't be fixed". I would always say, no way you're broken, everyone can get help or be fixed, etc. I was wrong and realized later in the relationship - don't ignore these flags.
This EXACT FUCKING SENTENCE has been said to me at least 10 times in our 5 year relationship. It’s my first relationship ever and I’m not sure if this is a guaranteed lose-lose situation or if it’s just because she hasn’t been on her SSRIs in 1.5 years. She was so much better of a person on her SSRI, but now she doesn’t have the strength to get back on them after her prescription accidentally got cancelled. I guess the real test will be if she accepts going to therapy or if she refuses.
I heard the same. I said the same. I should've believed her😂. Dr. LeBlanc is right. They target good guys. "Phils." And they will try to destroy everything, cutting their nose to spite their face. Truly crazy.
I have found that it is MUCH easier to accurately assess a person's character when there is zero desire to “get something” from them. The more needy and fearful we are, the more difficult it is to see the world the way it actually is. Suffering warps our perception of reality. :(
That’s so real. For whatever reason that may be, being aware and conscious of the state of our desire and how our desires pertain to the person in question. Desire is the root of all suffering, truly. Were it not for our own desires, we wouldn’t have had the predisposition to being manipulated like people like this, but rather than place blame on ourselves, I think we need to give ourselves a break.
@@Anton-qc1fk Re: “Desire is the root of all suffering, truly”. If we choose to extinguish our suffering, we will have the option of sharing this gift with others who are suffering. They, in turn, can do likewise. In this fashion, all suffering in the world can be ended and humanity can ascend to a higher mode of being where we cease seeking to gain at the expense of one another and practice “love thy neighbor as thyself” instead. I have extinguished most (but not all) of suffering and will share what I have learned: It’s not desire, per se, that is “the problem”. Rather, the habitual choice to use desire (1) to meet an unmet need (2) which arises in a specific circumstance that is “the problem”. What unmet need? What circumstance? Using desire as a tool to meet our unmet need for what problem? Using desire as a tool to meet our unmet need for “certainty” is the problem. In what circumstance does the unmet need for certainty arise? The circumstance in which the unmet need for certainty arises is the “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart”. The Buddha describes this in Snp 4.15 (translation by Gil Fronsdal) “Violence gives birth to fear; [Just] look at people and [their] quarrels. I will speak of my dismay And the way that I was shaken. Seeing people thrashing about Like fish in little water, And seeing them feuding with each other, I became afraid. The world is completely without a core. Everywhere things are changing. Wanting a place of my own, I saw nothing not already taken. I felt discontent at seeing Only conflict to the very end. Then I saw an arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart. Pierced by this arrow, [People] dash about in all directions. When the arrow’s pulled out They don’t run, and they don’t sink” What, precisely, is this “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart” which is the circumstance in which the unmet need for certainty arises? The sensory motor brain predicts sensory experience. When it predicts sensory experience correctly, we don’t even notice that we are making predictions. When it predicts sensory experience incorrectly, we are suddenly “awakened” to the reality that our sensory motor predictive model contains an error. This error CAUSED us to predict sensory experience incorrectly. The skillful response to “awakening” is to sustain the task-positive network and correct the error in the model so that sensory experience is more correctly predicted in the future. It is easy to respond to the “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart” by skillfully sustaining the task-positive network and seeking to correct the error in the model when we are awakened by a MINOR misprediction: For example, we absent minded reach for a cup of coffee to take a drink only to discover that we left our coffee cup in another room. It is NOT so easy to respond to the “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart” by skillfully sustaining the task-positive network and seeking to correct the error in the model when we are awakened by a MAJOR misprediction: For example, we discover that our partner has been cheating on us. It is in THIS circumstance that the unmet need for certainty arises. When the unmet need for certainty arises in this circumstance, we will be tempted to reach for the inappropriate tool of “desire” to restore our certainty. It is THIS context that THIS unmet need arises in which your statement is true: “Desire is the root of all suffering, truly”. Why is it true? Because ALL suffering, without exception, is an inner conflict between 1: The part of us that craves for and clings to immediate gratification of a DESIRED sensory experience and 2: The part of us that desires to see the world the way it actually is so that we might navigate sensory experience more skillfully without being inundated by arrows. “When the arrow’s pulled out They don’t run, and they don’t sink” What does that mean? When we “run away” from the truth … When we LIE to ourselves about how the world actually is … This is called avijjā. AKA “denial” AKA “willful ignorance” It is the root cause of the dependent origination of suffering. AKA paṭiloma-paṭiccasamuppāda It sustains the suffering by sustaining the inner conflict. To end the suffering, the inner conflict must be resolved in favor of seeing the world the way it actually is. “they don’t sink” What does that mean? When we habitually lie to ourselves, the arrows accumulate and the accumulated unresolved inner conflicts weigh us down causing us to sink into depression. Depression serves the function of forcing the microglia to physically eat away the synaptic connections sustaining the web of lies. In this fashion, “running” and “sinking” are metaphors for “anxiety” and “depression”. BOTH are downstream consequences of our choice to respond unskillfully to the “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart.” “When the arrow’s pulled out We don’t run, and we don’t sink” When we accept the world the way it actually is and orient ourselves to navigate it more skillfully, all anxiety and depression is ENDED FOREVER. IMHO, Marsha Linehan came closest to understanding this but her DBT failed to completely extinguish suffering because her understanding of nature of the dialectic at the root of all suffering remained too fuzzy (too imprecise): ALL suffering, without exception, is an inner conflict between 1: The part of us that craves for and clings to immediate gratification of a DESIRED sensory experience and 2: The part of us that desires to see the world the way it actually is so that we might navigate sensory experience more skillfully without being inundated by arrows. Having imprecisely understood the dialectic, she failed to use the tool of mindfulness to fully resolve the conflict. MN 10 is the Buddha’s sutta on mindfulness. Sally Armstrong does a nice recitation of it on the sutta readings website. The chorus of MN 10, however, has been mistranslated from Pali to English. For the Buddha, “knowing & seeing” and “internally & externally” are both referring to the contrast between “the prediction of sensory experience” and the “observation of sensory experience”. Here is a more precise translation of the chorus of MN 10: “In this way he abides contemplating, in the body, the prediction of sensory experience, or he abides contemplating, in the body, the observation of sensory experience, or he abides contemplating, in the body, the prediction and observation of sensory experience. Or else he abides contemplating, in the body, the nature of dhamma arising, [inner conflict discovered] or he abides contemplating, in the body, the nature of dhamma vanishing, [inner conflict resolved] or he abides contemplating, in the body, the nature of dhamma both arising and vanishing. [inner conflict discovered and resolved] Or else recollecting that ‘the body exists’ is simply established in him to the extent necessary for bare knowledge and recollecting. And he abides independent, not clinging to anything in the world. That is how a bhikkhu dwells contemplating the body in the body.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns my ex wife was that person, I saw in the end that she deserved what she got from her exes. I had my suspissions she was cheating on me but couldn't prove it. Either way, im glad I left her.
@felinekaiju4517 i agree but what they told us was bs!! Their exs never abused them, like we never did! Their exs are likely just men like us. I hope you can move on and enjoy your freedom from such lunacy. I'm trying to do the same. Take care dude. 👍
Which one are we "seeing" tho, there's at least 4...1. love bomber, 2. Hurt hidey girl, 3 the best thing since sliced bread. And let's not forget 4. The one we are lucky enough to have to live with .. what you see is definitely not what you end up with.
@@Thedisgardedoptimist It's not easy I know. I mean that if they hurt you once..that's who they are. You saw how they behave and what you saw is exactly what they are and will be.
My girlfriend would want gifts all the time. She ghosted me because i refused to buy her a cd. She had very little interest in my life. She wouldn't ask me any questions about myself for example what's your favourite movie? My friend died recently and she never asked me how i was feeling. When i told her she couldn't wait to change the subject. She had no empathy. That was the biggest red flag. I didn't know it was narcissism. I was blinded by her beauty.
My ex with both BPD and NPD would be obsessed with gifts too, just two weeks into the relationship, and she would never be satisfied with anything I got for her. ''This is too cheap'' ''this is too childish'' ''this is too old'' ''this is too expensive'' ''this is not my style''. Same thing with a lack of empathy. My grandma broke her leg badly and required surgery. I told my ex I'd cut down on chatting and that I need some time to grieve. The ex went ballistic telling me to stop exaggerating, it's not like my grandma died. Any normal person would have said that they'd be by my side through this. Not to mention a similar complete lack of interest in my life - all she talked about was her and her exes. What a mess. It lasted 1 month but the psychological scars will take me at least a year to heal.
I was blinded by beauty also. She was the most beautiful woman I've ever dated. I was smitten, and wanted to keep her but she is too far damaged. I walked away.
Yep, walked into the bathroom one night. This was a few weeks after we met. I said to myself “You can handle this Mark, people have just treated her wrong!”…😮 ffs..🤦♂️
Sage, I laughed. FFS. Me too....I seen the bottle of anti depressants....said the exact same thing. Thinking I'm the asshole if I bounce out of this like the others.... Now I'm 2.5months into the break up wondering. How can I handle this. Completely messed with my head. Struggling....
@@Fedsies ahh man.. it’s a total mind bending experience. Just know it’s your CNS that needs to calm down. It’s been hijacked, along with your inner critic by them! You’ll get through it. I promise!
@@ClusterBombed01 thanks brother. Its so bad, Ive thought maybe I was the narcissist. Thanks for kind words. She destroyed my sense of self and took out every social connection and immediate family member I had who was connected to us. There's a special place in hell for these types. I feel like Dante at the bottom going through layers right now.
I left my ex if 3 years at the bar on our first date because i saw the passive aggressiveness, (sarcastic put downs), lack of object constancy (went inside and seemed to forget she left me on the patio), and the weaponization of her sexual prowess. That made her chase me even harder because nobody rejects a narc
why Why WHY...didn't I know about Narcissistic behaviors before one destroyed our entire family. All 7 Early warning signs and all 5 reasons for accepting their behavior applied to my son and his now wife. But, I am the person who got No 3 reason SO wrong. When my son came to me with crazy stories and concerns for her behavior, I told him to give this poor damaged girl a chance and to show her there are nice people in the world. UGH!!! why oh why?? Had I known I would have told my son to research and follow his gut. Now he is married to her, isolated from friends, estranged from his parents and his family, not able to show any affection to his biological daughter from previous relationship, has anxiety disorder, sees an anger management counselor, has suicidal ideation... etc... your videos are literally life saving @liseleblanc. Thank You
A couple of months in I tried to have our first emotionally open and sincere conversation. She curled up and hid her her face in hands and said “I’m broken and can’t do relationships”, followed by a bunch of confusing comments that made not much sense. It’s over now, I miss her, but she was telling me something true in that moment.
Thanks for your great videos. After 16 years relationship with a female covert narcissist I can‘t tell you how right you are. Kind regards from Germany.
I believe my wife to be a grandiose narcissist. We've been married for 12 years, and she says we've been together for 15. But I think she is counting from the day we met... Lots of similarities here. Regards from Poland. :)
‘You’ve got to learn how to communicate’ then hangs up ‘You are the only person I have these problems with’ just fired from their third consecutive career job
My life with her was a running commentary of all the bad things and people at her job and how they all wronged her, twice a day for over a decade, I quietly called myself the emotional punching bag...trying to find a solution to her problems would be brushed aside, she would not want to talk about it after she spewed for an hour ...oh and that was her happy days.. when she was unhappy she'd gaslight and try to take it directly out on me instead..trying to change the subject or trying to talk about something closer to "us" or me would be ignored...I don't think she ever even asked how "I" was...oh Lise, the early "I Love you" is another one...mine was less than a week in...dammed difficult relationship, one sided and one eyed in getting what she wanted - the onus taken off her (she never did anything wrong) yet getting all the attention she needs and of course I had to agree with everything...once finished with you - you don't exist again till the next session... Damned difficult...haha then to top it all off, disgarded..lucky me eh? ☮️
I can definitely relate to this. When I discussed this with a therapist, the therapist said, "well maybe that's all she had to talk about". It came off as dismissive of how I felt and pardoned my ex. It was constant for years and years. A person can only take so much of hearing it constantly. No concern of how draining it was for me. I didn't realize it would and can be considered being an emotional punching bag. That I did endure in other ways, her taking her anger out on me. Now I deal with compassion fatigue and feel depleted when I hear people talk about their issues.
Hi Nikki, sounds to me your therapist needs a holiday..not very compassionate to your problem or maybe simply doesn't understand..Being an enduring "supply" for anyone can get tiring but these guys/girls take the cake..When alls said and done you / I were just supply we still are trying to come to terms with that, that these people were simply using us for energy and whatever else they needed us for...So yes, compassion fatigue is a great way to put it..and I understand..
It sure would have been nice to have learned this before I fell for it. When she told me "I have a tendency to sabotage a relationship", I should have believed her, and run like the 😈 was after me.
Very true. I am now out of it for 1 month. I've ghosted her for 1 month and am so happy I did. I've stopped feeding the monster. What saved me is my strong sense of self.
👍 I really have a hard time sympathizing with posters who write about being screamed at, gas lit, hit, manipulated, defrauded etc. etc. and then go on to say they were in the relationship for 10, 20, 30 years or are still in the relationship.
Missed so many signs. All phone conversations were focused on him and his life, relationship needed to be on his terms. Early on I kept questioning why I didn’t feel loved even though he would say it often. Invalidated my feelings and opinions. I’d hear you’re too sensitive. But because I had known him years before, I just ignored the signs.
I had a girlfriend many years ago. She ticks several boxes on the NPD checklist. She said to me in the beginning that "it's my way or the high way". An early red flag was that she told me about how she was always helping people, and had gone guarantor for several friends for car loans, but was left paying off their loans after they reneged on payments. That, and she always had to be the subject of discussion; even wanting to know if she had come up in conversation with third parties. We worked with the same people, but not for the same company. Long story short, when she had time for me, she was all over me, figuratively and literally. When she didn't have time for me, I didn't exist. She was always saying "I am advising you for your own good" because I wasn't classy enough apparently, and got angry to the point of threatening to disown me if I didn't do as I was told. (She DID warn me!) But it was the purely heartless things she would say that had me thinking WTF? I had just finished getting her off for the last time and she was floating in the clouds like she always did at such times. Then she started saying "don't tell me father I love you... He would just laugh and laugh and laugh". We never actually broke up. She ghosted me, and I stopped chasing. She was absolutely gorgeous and apparently literally every man she met wanted to bed her, and every woman was jealous of her, but her personality was fake and rotten to the core once she showed her real face. I understand what was going on a lot better now, but Maaaaan, I wish I had watched your videos before I met her... Thank you for putting these evil creatures into perspective so that others don't have to find out the hard way like I did, and so many others have had to...
“When she had time for me, she was all over me, figuratively and literally. When she didn’t have time for me, I didn’t exist.” Wow, I felt that. Memories of - and pining for - the former kept me with her during the latter.
I now notice this type of presentation from someone and my previous urge to ignore what they're telling me. And as Lise says, if they tell you they're trouble, believe them! Do the self-care you need to ensure you don't walk blindly or willingly into toxic circumstances. Don't gloss over those flags, thinking you're being generous or giving them the benefit of the doubt. You *know* it can't end well. You know it.
Agree. Any red flag is a BIG deal. These things we pick up on are feelings we shouldn't ignore. I once dated a guy who was literally saying to me, "anything for you," and talking shit about the wait staff (who i've been apart of many times-we are all just people, not less than bc of our job situations), i mean complaining behind her back, to the manager, to her face, i was humiliated!!!!! F that bs. Anyone mean to anyone.... is just mean. Narc or not.
The low self-esteem was me. I was abused in many ways through my life. I thought he would provide the peace needed to heal and get away from my toxic and abusive mother. He did like them and now I'm so mad and pissed. Trying to make it through
My BPD ex said to me, actually said to me in the 1st 3 weeks or so 'I'm a shit girlfriend & I'm shit at relationships. When the dopamine wears off you'll see what I mean'. Of course, I just jumped on the white stallion and set out to save her by proving I'm better than any of the ex's she had problems with. Even the one who spat in her face, the one who left her with a new born daughter for another woman, and the convicted Hungarian immigrant armed bank robber who'd done 5yrs in prison that she lived with. But no, I could save her. It lasted 2 years until I finally saw the light and left her, but it's taken the next 5yrs to try and get past her.. Tks Lise, great and very true video. 🙂
Mine literally told me she was crazy and has a hard time getting attached. All of her exes were also somehow toxic and was involved in a string of short-term relationships with her longest being 2 years on and off, that she ended. It takes a lot of discipline and self-control to leave someone like this when they tick your boxes physically. I should have ejected at that moment, but the experience made me stronger and wiser.
Thank you for pointing out that a narcissist may tell you they're not a good person. That's exactly what happened with the narcissist I dated. I dismissed it as low self-esteem and simply looking down on herself. I don't ignore this red flag anymore.
I can’t thank you enough for these videos. I was unfortunate enough to be in a relationship with a narcissist for over two years and almost married her. I broke things off when she showed up at work and said she was pregnant with somebody else’s child. When she was trying to guilt me into marrying her, because I wanted to be a father, I knew I had to walk away. Four years later, I was single again and happened to look her up and she was also single having failed her previous marriage. Just like you described in this video there was the love bombing and sex bombing, and all of the other things in a row. Videos like this helped me realize how I was being taken advantage of and manipulated and helped me to walk away and find better situation in my life. Life is too short to have these horrible women manipulate you and destroy yourself while they are already planning on moving onto the next person. Even though we broke up in December and she said she would never live with anybody or find a true love again. She is already engaged to be married and posts everywhere that she has found her truest and best love and is bombarding social media about how amazing her relationship is. I feel bad for this poor guy, as he will be just another one in a long line of destroyed people.
I love that I can use these videos to keep myself safe. I was with a covert narcissist for 5 years until she spit me out. Now I'm learning what to look out for once I heal from this past trauma.
A little over 4 years ago, I wish someone would have literally super-glued my bare hands and butt to a chair, driven spikes through my feet attaching me to the floor, and stapled my eyelids to my forehead, and forced me to watch this video on repeat for a week. It would have saved me from a $hitload of pain!
The “warning” part is a really good point. In hindsight, my sociopathic/narcissistic ex “warned” me about his true nature early on. I specifically remember on one of our first dates he told me he “wasn’t a nice person”. I just thought he was being hyperbolic so I thought nothing of it at the time. He also told me at one point that he doesn’t ever feel remorse and he sees no point in helping the weak. When he said the later, the hairs on my neck stood up. Although, I think he noticed my shock and realized he’d accidentally let some of his mask slip so he followed it up with saying it was a joke. I thought it was a very bizarre thing to say but I ignored my gut sense and decided to believe that it was some weird joke I didn’t understand.
Love the content, only wish it would have been around when I met my soon to be ex 20 years ago... though her number 1 trait was akin to super gaslighting and lack of self-awareness. She made the statement early on (and fairly often since) that she only spoke truth. I took the meaning to be emphatically honest, but learned the hard way that she meant that reality is whatever comes out of her mouth. Her opinions are irrefutable facts. The day she pointed out how her cousin repeatedly posting that she was a good person was a clear sign that she wasn't since you don't have to tell people if you really are was magical, as that statement was her second favorite followed only by she's a very empathic person. Her only mistakes in life have been trusting people who hurt or betrayed her; mineself now being the worst thing to ever happen to her. I always get a sense that she truly believes what she's saying in any given moment no matter how much evidence to the contrary exists. My situation wasn't helped any by all the moral grandstanding my narcissistic mother filled my head with growing up, trying to make me an actual white knight (full chivalry and self sacrifice), though in a rare moment in her case, after getting to know the girl she told me not to abandon like all the rest had, she told me flat out that she was wrong and I needed to ditch her and work on my own life... the one time I didn't listen, the one time I actually should have🤷♂️
One of the few non-narc experts that really knows the intricacies of these “people” and relates the info like an intelligent, mature adult woman. Well done👍🏻✌🏻
Your knowledge on this subject scares me ! In the very beginning, totally out of the blue I heard and I quote “ I’am NOT a nice and innocent person, like u think” wow you are right on !!!
My narcissistic intimate partner told me from the start that he was not a good person. I believed him but I told him he was wrong about him being a bad person and he was fine with me believing that he was not a good person. He said, “I just let you believe that.” Also, he hardly asks much about me. Most times he just tells more about himself. Recently, he went to the ER and told me he was at the ER over a text message and why he was there and I said comforting words to him, but neglected to me he was out of the ER. I also told him that I’ve been mentally ill, but got no comfort from him.
I remember my wife was just so... interested in me so effortlessly. Compared to other women who were more cold and reserved and didn't seem interested, it was a breath of fresh air. Even if her affection was obnoxious and a bit smothering, I told myself, "well, at least this is a clear sign of interest" vs women who I never knew where they stood with me.
She said rather early on “I’m a moody bitch”. I brushed it off. Over 2 years later, still feeling the hurt of only an 8 month relationship, thinking all I had to do was listen. Sooo glad I escaped though.
All of these warning signs seem cut and dried to determine the narcissist, but, having worked in an architect’s office with a vainglorious, preposterous, infantile, grandiose fool of a human being for a boss, I found it more interesting to examine how my fellow co-workers compensated to accommodate this guy and his behaviors...can you define suppliers behaviors and survival strategies better, Lise?
I once had a girl quite literally tell he to watch out cause her therapists told her she had narcissistic tendencies, which I brushed off thinking she was just joking around. That relationship lasted about a week longer before I couldn’t stand it 🤣
My x covert wife . Told me nearly our whole 20 yr relationship. "You cant handle the real me". They always tell on themselves in an indirect way. She always made statements that weren't clear in the moment. But they all make sense in the end. When i left the relationship, i got to see the real her she was talking about. The rage fits and meltdowns, physical abuse, neglecting the children , police calls on me for no reason. All while she was rotating about 8 to 10 men still living under my roof because of that marriage paper. Cause you cant legally kick them out . And they know that. These people are disgusting...
Not true. They will never let anyone see all the way under. You may see under the mask . And you will know it… eyes literally go black the rage is beyond words
Thank you. Again, i'm here bc i'm bpd female, treated, in a stable relationship and very stable myself. I feel like you help me see qualities in myself that I DO NOT LIKE.... thank you girl. I find your little cut assays are fun, do more💗
She said to me within a month… “no matter how bad I get, promise to never let me go.” - complete shocker as she appeared to be an “angel of light”. I never experienced such a roller coaster.
So true. She told me..."I can't promise more than 10 years, bc I will get bored and jump to the next relationship", "I am not a good person", "I got with my ex bc I thought I could control him." We got engaged, bought a house together, and two years into it, she monkey branched to another victim (man with a lot of money and willing to spend it on her). They married five months thereafter, and three months after I moved out. I was left confused, but I found these resources and it was an "Aha" moment. I understand now, and that has been super powerful to heal from this craziness.
I was warned by my covert narc that I married later. "I'm a mess". That's enough for me. If I hear someone say something like that now I just gracefully bow out.
They definitely have a way of telling on themselves if you listen close enough. My ex would always talk in third person, when she really was just describing herself.
You literally described perfectly my last relationship. 3 months on and I'm healing and so much more educated with narcs. Still think about her all the time but I don't feel.so sad now. Tha is for your great content.
Thank you Lise for sharing these videos. I’m in the same boat as most parents are when their son marries a narcissistic woman. I’m a very strong minded person who loves my children dearly and can’t bear to see them hear. I’m also very vocal and protective over them. What will happen if I confront my daughter in law with the way she’s treating my son? And letting her know I’m onto her game? What’s the best way to handle this situation and not lose my son and 7 month old grandson in the process. Please help and thank you again for these videos.
It's hard to see it when you're in the middle of it like your son. Unfortunately, this is one problem you can't solve for him. Any way you can get him to watch some on point videos to get some insight?
Unfortunately I’m the scapegoat of a very large narcissistic family and unfortunately again I believe that everyone of us has some sort of narcissistic traits that we have to deal with but it is what we do with those traits and how we live our lives that makes us who we are. I would say the biggest red flag out there is a true narcissist can admit to being wrong about a movie or restaurant or something like that but they will never admit they have done something personally wrong. Because if they do, that I’m perfect in every way goes out the window and they would rather throw someone under the bus then have to admit they were personally in the wrong even if the person they are putting under the bus is s significant other or even one of there own kids. Be careful it a narcissistic world out there….
Looking back #2 Holy crap. They told me when we were in a deep talk about self healing from past situations and I was the best version of myself and her response was she’s not and she was bad. I defended her from what I knew of her at the time. #4. I was the hero. Told that all the time. I loved that. I still have no clue why it turned to hate towards me when I constantly was there in every way for her. I’ll for sure watch out for that in the future. She ended up being a covert narcissist and the trauma bond and addiction to get over once it was all over has been insane to heal from. Still trying to get it all figured out in my own head as to why.
So helpful to hear you explain so much I have experienced without realizing how it played out. You nailed it 99.99% which is perfection to me! Thanks for your kind support of our « Phil » community.
One more reason to stay: Hope. You came from a narcissistic family of origin but this marriage is like that but is not as bad because he's mostly mid-range except when supply is threatened and you make up a narrative explaining/rationalisation the behaviour based on why YOU might behave this way: toxic boss/workplace, death of a family member, hang nail. Fill in the blank. Some of the time it's good. The kids love him even though or maybe because he's not around that much [out gettting supply] and you are fighting for that Norman Rockwell painting. Hope. Deadly.
That's exactly what I experienced with my ex, until one day I said I didn't agree and she lost her mind and left me because of a discussion she didn't agree with. After everything I had done for her. I was actually like a puppy waiting for a reward all the time and was afraid to say somthing wrong. I was walking on eggshell all the time. There where no mistake taken, otherwise she will gaslight, manipulate or use other methods to punish me. It was like a prison. But the crazy thing is that I still love her and cant even let thinking of her one minute. Making me crazy.
Mrs. LeBlanc is on point 👉 I tried to be the best man that I could be. But it wasn't good enough. I was walking on eggshells. Communication wasn't very good. Manipulation, control, and gaslighting followed. Then came the discard. I can say, My X will never be showered again with all the bells and whistles.
Her whole routine at the start was about how she was the victim of previous relationship. She was constantly talking about honesty and that she never ever told lies! 🤔She admitted to being angry at that time cos she was grieving for her mother🤔 And she did admit to being overly sensitive, which i took to mean id have to be overly soft and gentle, but it actually meant she was highly suspicious and jealous and she'd grill me every time her Paranoia told her to. Also it turns out she was always lying but i never suspected cos of that initial seed she planted that she never lied. Also the anger and short temper was always there. I believed her act cos i thought she'd been abused, i now dont believe it and know shes extremely controlling and abusive.
This person I am with just don't know, once I say F it I automatically turn cold. Tired of being abandoned and missused. Lifetime abuse is just to taxing.
i'm divorcing in just a few days, after 2 years of trying to escape. My wife is definitely a narcissist, based on conclusions of our marriage counselors, and my therapist. The woman I was involved with before her probably was as well. I'm not sure how I had decades of decent relationships and then two narcs in a row. But something they both did, related to "Number 2", is that they "used to be bad people". For example "I was a 'mean girl' when I was younger". They also treated it like it was a funny anecdote from their past, not really something they regret.
When I look back I can't believe how dumb I was to not pay close attention to what my husband said in the beginning. We were together 5 yrs before getting married and having our daughter (that's when the full mask came off)- but when I look back there were so many subtle flags but your #2 in this list was a huge, bright red flag that I didnt pay attention to! He told me in the beginning that he has a dark side and that he can be an "asshole" and that he wouldn't want me to see that side. I didn't know about the traits of narcissism despite having a B.A. in Psychology and Sociology. He was so nice and attentive and we lived together mostly in peace for several years, I brushed it off as to he was dealing with the wrong people and that I'm different and wouldn't cause his "dark side" to come out. These people are truly insidious and it's so sad to see the harm they do on people who have dug sooooo deeply to give them the benefit of the doubt and overlook so many red flags.
Thank you for talking about this. I fell for the love bombing but he also had his ex in the picture as a co-worker, neighbour and friend who didn’t want to accept that he met someone else.
I was with a narcissistic girlfriend for 2.5 months, and she left me when I needed to leave her the most because she was painfully toxic for me. After days and weeks, I finally realized what she had done to me, what kind of red flags I had ignored, and what she was trying to do. Then, a lot of thoughts come to mind-why I ignored those red flags, why I didn't speak about that situation at that time, why I didn't stand up for how she treated me badly at that time. I blame myself, and I feel so ashamed that I was fooled by her. How do I get rid of this? Is this PTSD? Can somebody help me?
I’m sorry you went through such a toxic relationship. I would suggest finding a therapist in your area who provides EMDR and also has knowledge of narcissistic abuse. The “psychology today” website is a good way to search
OMG! Yes! Mine told me she was hot and cold. There was no middle ground with her and that’s she’s really good at icing people out. I took a screenshot of that text message and you hit the nail in the head when it came back to bite me.
An excellent exercise for boundary setting is to disengage from obnoxious people mid-conversation; particularly in business and social settings. Me: “I’m sorry. You’re harshing my mellow, narcissistic fellow; gotta go.” YMMV
I love this kind of video, Lise. Give so much light on our decisions about leaving the person. It's kind of sad to hear it, because all that you pointed out, I've really noticed in the first two months, I knew that wasen't right. Now, I'm sure that my ex-narc was a covert narcissist, always that passive-aggressive, and that mind games with a blank eye and an angry face with small things. Thanks, Lise, cheers and love from Brazil.
No one falls in love faster than a narcissist that needs a place to live . 😂. These people are something else.
Haha. That was my ex
Yes!
My x covert wife. (Have children with her)
Moved in with the new target after knowing him 3 weeks.
She's been living in his house 2.5 months now. Won't get a job. These people truly are a suck on others. She did same thing to me. 20 yrs ago. Pheeeew
Glad I finally woke up..
Having children and wanting to be with someone will keep you stuck in things you don't like. But I'm here to tell you 15 months later. PEACE is a real thing. Self happiness is a real thing.
RUN!
My Ex- Husband...
No truer words.....😂😢
@NarcNmore23
If they are married or have a girlfriend/boyfriend, don’t fall for “I never cheat, I’m just unhappy with him/her and I feel you’re the one” speech. He/she’ll cheat on you next.
Orson Wells of all people made that exact observation. Cheating is a pattern of behavior.
Good one
Exactly if they left someone for you they’ll leave you for someone else
No shit
Really, are you married to someone who is disabled who can’t have sex, women have needs just like men, there is a rumor that started women DONT NEED ANYTHING, we are just slaves to others, your delusional
A narc said to me early on, “You might hear some bad things about me.”
“Don’t fool yourself into thinking you may be missing out on the greatest romance of all time.” WHEW!!!!!!!!!!! THIS is the advice I needed to hear!!!
Same. The idea of seeing him one day with the young, perfect wife’s he’s going to have, is enough to make me feel like I’m not good enough for that “Great romance” someone else is going to have with him :/
@@GiGiDaniels449 once you are on the other side of the equation the person will no longer be attractive to you and you will be personality disorder proof.
A lot of covert narcs, the ones I’ve encountered anyway, don’t lovebomb. But one consistent trait is the inability to take responsibility for their circumstances; they will always find someone or something to blame.
I’ve had to run away from sadly all of my siblings. They aren’t nice to me but expect me to I don’t know put up with abuse and their never ending manipulations. Some siblings I actually fear. It’s terrible. I wish I did have one sibling I could safely have a relationship with. It’s a cycle of offering some fake friendship, I get sucked back in, the abuse starts again, I ruminate about it over and over and over again trying to understand it, I go no contact.
Me too. My ex didn't love-bomb me.... She sex-bombed me because she couldn't say " I love you". She hated kissing also. She only kissed me one time passionately on our first date to hook me. It worked. But during sex she didn't want kissing.
@@jennifercuddy5663 same same my cosmic sister. golden retriever is an excellent family member to adopt. 🙏
@@plusone8015 I have two small doggies. Latest crazy is one of them refusing to not talk about religion because I didn’t “ have the authority” to ask her not to, regardless we disagree.
They may also say things like;
1/ You are too good for me
2/ I'm so broken
3/ I can't imagine a life without you 4/ I can't control my emotions
Folks, please plan how to get rid of them asap. Really listen to what they are telling you. Choose yourself over toxic individuals, love yourself and take care; leave them safely and block them if you can.
I was married to one for 34 years, together 36, things never ever got better, toxic relationship caused by him but, he was so good at shifting the blame, people thought it was me who was causing all the drama!! Thing is as well, narcissists are so good at being nice to people outside, everyone thinks they are great🤷🏻♀️so when you do tell people what’s been going on, they don’t believe you!!!
Yes man, this is it exactly
Imagine being in a relationship with someone who wouldn't admit to any mistake. Someone whose apologies are laced with "but you made me do it". Someone who would use suicide threats when she didn't get her way (read, agree with everything I say and do). Someone who doesn't want you being close with your own parents and siblings. Someone who bad mouths you to strangers she met a few days ago. Someone who applies double standards on accountability, none for them but extreme control for you. Someone who leaves you after a petty argument days after you've lost your dad. Someone who insults when you disengage from a senseless argument since you want a sober discussion not a shouting match.
The "love and sex bombing" started right from the very beginning - first date. Wish I had known about this early sign. It was intense and I remember thinking that this was unlike any other relationship I had been in. It didn't take long after marriage for the extreme opposite to occur. I was completely denied sex and any sense of love. Sex became a tool for her control.
It was that tool from the beginning.
Same here. She was insanely horny for 6 months then totally abstinent for the last 3 years .. while fking other guys!
Was told early on after some argument or emotional breakdown... "Why would you want me? I'm broken and I can't be fixed". I would always say, no way you're broken, everyone can get help or be fixed, etc. I was wrong and realized later in the relationship - don't ignore these flags.
Get rid of your hero complex. Don’t save her she don’t wanna be saved- Joyner
This EXACT FUCKING SENTENCE has been said to me at least 10 times in our 5 year relationship. It’s my first relationship ever and I’m not sure if this is a guaranteed lose-lose situation or if it’s just because she hasn’t been on her SSRIs in 1.5 years. She was so much better of a person on her SSRI, but now she doesn’t have the strength to get back on them after her prescription accidentally got cancelled.
I guess the real test will be if she accepts going to therapy or if she refuses.
I heard the same. I said the same. I should've believed her😂. Dr. LeBlanc is right. They target good guys. "Phils." And they will try to destroy everything, cutting their nose to spite their face. Truly crazy.
I have found that it is MUCH easier to accurately assess a person's character when there is zero desire to “get something” from them.
The more needy and fearful we are, the more difficult it is to see the world the way it actually is. Suffering warps our perception of reality. :(
Yesssss
Yes really ❤
That’s so real. For whatever reason that may be, being aware and conscious of the state of our desire and how our desires pertain to the person in question. Desire is the root of all suffering, truly. Were it not for our own desires, we wouldn’t have had the predisposition to being manipulated like people like this, but rather than place blame on ourselves, I think we need to give ourselves a break.
@@Anton-qc1fk Re: “Desire is the root of all suffering, truly”.
If we choose to extinguish our suffering, we will have the option of sharing this gift with others who are suffering. They, in turn, can do likewise. In this fashion, all suffering in the world can be ended and humanity can ascend to a higher mode of being where we cease seeking to gain at the expense of one another and practice “love thy neighbor as thyself” instead. I have extinguished most (but not all) of suffering and will share what I have learned:
It’s not desire, per se, that is “the problem”.
Rather, the habitual choice to use desire
(1) to meet an unmet need
(2) which arises in a specific circumstance
that is “the problem”.
What unmet need?
What circumstance?
Using desire as a tool to meet our unmet need for what problem?
Using desire as a tool to meet our unmet need for “certainty” is the problem.
In what circumstance does the unmet need for certainty arise?
The circumstance in which the unmet need for certainty arises is the “arrow here,
Hard to see, embedded in the heart”.
The Buddha describes this in Snp 4.15 (translation by Gil Fronsdal)
“Violence gives birth to fear; [Just] look at people and [their] quarrels.
I will speak of my dismay
And the way that I was shaken.
Seeing people thrashing about
Like fish in little water,
And seeing them feuding with each other,
I became afraid.
The world is completely without a core.
Everywhere things are changing.
Wanting a place of my own,
I saw nothing not already taken.
I felt discontent at seeing
Only conflict to the very end.
Then I saw an arrow here,
Hard to see,
embedded in the heart.
Pierced by this arrow,
[People] dash about in all directions.
When the arrow’s pulled out
They don’t run, and they don’t sink”
What, precisely, is this “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart” which is the circumstance in which the unmet need for certainty arises?
The sensory motor brain predicts sensory experience.
When it predicts sensory experience correctly, we don’t even notice that we are making predictions.
When it predicts sensory experience incorrectly, we are suddenly “awakened” to the reality that our sensory motor predictive model contains an error.
This error CAUSED us to predict sensory experience incorrectly.
The skillful response to “awakening” is to sustain the task-positive network and correct the error in the model so that sensory experience is more correctly predicted in the future.
It is easy to respond to the “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart” by skillfully sustaining the task-positive network and seeking to correct the error in the model when we are awakened by a MINOR misprediction:
For example, we absent minded reach for a cup of coffee to take a drink only to discover that we left our coffee cup in another room.
It is NOT so easy to respond to the “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart” by skillfully sustaining the task-positive network and seeking to correct the error in the model when we are awakened by a MAJOR misprediction:
For example, we discover that our partner has been cheating on us.
It is in THIS circumstance that the unmet need for certainty arises.
When the unmet need for certainty arises in this circumstance, we will be tempted to reach for the inappropriate tool of “desire” to restore our certainty.
It is THIS context that THIS unmet need arises in which your statement is true:
“Desire is the root of all suffering, truly”.
Why is it true?
Because ALL suffering, without exception, is an inner conflict between
1: The part of us that craves for and clings to immediate gratification of a DESIRED sensory experience
and
2: The part of us that desires to see the world the way it actually is so that we might navigate sensory experience more skillfully without being inundated by arrows.
“When the arrow’s pulled out
They don’t run, and they don’t sink”
What does that mean?
When we “run away” from the truth …
When we LIE to ourselves about how the world actually is …
This is called avijjā.
AKA “denial”
AKA “willful ignorance”
It is the root cause of the dependent origination of suffering.
AKA paṭiloma-paṭiccasamuppāda
It sustains the suffering by sustaining the inner conflict.
To end the suffering, the inner conflict must be resolved in favor of seeing the world the way it actually is.
“they don’t sink”
What does that mean?
When we habitually lie to ourselves, the arrows accumulate and the accumulated unresolved inner conflicts weigh us down causing us to sink into depression.
Depression serves the function of forcing the microglia to physically eat away the synaptic connections sustaining the web of lies.
In this fashion, “running” and “sinking” are metaphors for “anxiety” and “depression”.
BOTH are downstream consequences of our choice to respond unskillfully to the “arrow here, Hard to see, embedded in the heart.”
“When the arrow’s pulled out
We don’t run, and we don’t sink”
When we accept the world the way it actually is and orient ourselves to navigate it more skillfully, all anxiety and depression is ENDED FOREVER.
IMHO, Marsha Linehan came closest to understanding this but her DBT failed to completely extinguish suffering because her understanding of nature of the dialectic at the root of all suffering remained too fuzzy (too imprecise):
ALL suffering, without exception, is an inner conflict between
1: The part of us that craves for and clings to immediate gratification of a DESIRED sensory experience
and
2: The part of us that desires to see the world the way it actually is so that we might navigate sensory experience more skillfully without being inundated by arrows.
Having imprecisely understood the dialectic, she failed to use the tool of mindfulness to fully resolve the conflict.
MN 10 is the Buddha’s sutta on mindfulness.
Sally Armstrong does a nice recitation of it on the sutta readings website.
The chorus of MN 10, however, has been mistranslated from Pali to English.
For the Buddha, “knowing & seeing” and “internally & externally” are both referring to the contrast between “the prediction of sensory experience” and the “observation of sensory experience”.
Here is a more precise translation of the chorus of MN 10:
“In this way he abides contemplating, in the body, the prediction of sensory experience,
or he abides contemplating, in the body, the observation of sensory experience,
or he abides contemplating, in the body, the prediction and observation of sensory experience.
Or else he abides contemplating, in the body, the nature of dhamma arising, [inner conflict discovered]
or he abides contemplating, in the body, the nature of dhamma vanishing, [inner conflict resolved]
or he abides contemplating, in the body, the nature of dhamma both arising and vanishing. [inner conflict discovered and resolved]
Or else recollecting that ‘the body exists’ is simply established in him
to the extent necessary for bare knowledge and recollecting.
And he abides independent,
not clinging to anything in the world.
That is how a bhikkhu dwells
contemplating the body in the body.
“I can’t keep a boyfriend, they always run away!”… oh yeah she told me alright. That’s just one out of many, many examples.
“Everyone wants to have sex with me, but no one wants to date me”
She told me her exs were abusive and she was the victim. Bs!
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns my ex wife was that person, I saw in the end that she deserved what she got from her exes. I had my suspissions she was cheating on me but couldn't prove it. Either way, im glad I left her.
@felinekaiju4517 i agree but what they told us was bs!! Their exs never abused them, like we never did! Their exs are likely just men like us. I hope you can move on and enjoy your freedom from such lunacy. I'm trying to do the same. Take care dude. 👍
that's a sentence that applies to pretty much everyone you will ever date except your last wife.
Listen to how someone says they
" Hate " others, Hate is a strong word Narcs even Hate people they've never met ...
Know this: What you see is what you get. They will never ever change.
Which one are we "seeing" tho, there's at least 4...1. love bomber, 2. Hurt hidey girl, 3 the best thing since sliced bread. And let's not forget 4. The one we are lucky enough to have to live with .. what you see is definitely not what you end up with.
@@Thedisgardedoptimist It's not easy I know. I mean that if they hurt you once..that's who they are. You saw how they behave and what you saw is exactly what they are and will be.
@Herroy... Yep they are like the Duracell bunny, never stop once you flick the switch...hope all goes well for you mate...
My girlfriend would want gifts all the time. She ghosted me because i refused to buy her a cd. She had very little interest in my life. She wouldn't ask me any questions about myself for example what's your favourite movie? My friend died recently and she never asked me how i was feeling. When i told her she couldn't wait to change the subject. She had no empathy. That was the biggest red flag. I didn't know it was narcissism. I was blinded by her beauty.
Im in the same boat. Beautiful women are major narcissist. Im sticking to ugly chicks from now on.
It wasnt just about empathy. It was that your loss, was an inconvenience for her now to have to deal with. It's time wasted for her.
My ex with both BPD and NPD would be obsessed with gifts too, just two weeks into the relationship, and she would never be satisfied with anything I got for her. ''This is too cheap'' ''this is too childish'' ''this is too old'' ''this is too expensive'' ''this is not my style''. Same thing with a lack of empathy. My grandma broke her leg badly and required surgery. I told my ex I'd cut down on chatting and that I need some time to grieve. The ex went ballistic telling me to stop exaggerating, it's not like my grandma died. Any normal person would have said that they'd be by my side through this. Not to mention a similar complete lack of interest in my life - all she talked about was her and her exes.
What a mess. It lasted 1 month but the psychological scars will take me at least a year to heal.
I was blinded by beauty also. She was the most beautiful woman I've ever dated. I was smitten, and wanted to keep her but she is too far damaged. I walked away.
I was blinded by the sex bomb, it was unbelievable, anything I could've wanted.Everthing the Doctor said is true,just takes time to heal.
Yep, walked into the bathroom one night. This was a few weeks after we met. I said to myself “You can handle this Mark, people have just treated her wrong!”…😮 ffs..🤦♂️
Ironically, you might have thought that way because people have treated you wrong (not trying to be presumptuous, but was definitely the case for me).
@@steve-adams no she told me people had treated her wrong. All part of her story I’m afraid. Only to find out she’s been lying through her teeth!
Sage, I laughed. FFS. Me too....I seen the bottle of anti depressants....said the exact same thing. Thinking I'm the asshole if I bounce out of this like the others....
Now I'm 2.5months into the break up wondering. How can I handle this. Completely messed with my head. Struggling....
@@Fedsies ahh man.. it’s a total mind bending experience. Just know it’s your CNS that needs to calm down. It’s been hijacked, along with your inner critic by them! You’ll get through it. I promise!
@@ClusterBombed01 thanks brother. Its so bad, Ive thought maybe I was the narcissist. Thanks for kind words. She destroyed my sense of self and took out every social connection and immediate family member I had who was connected to us. There's a special place in hell for these types. I feel like Dante at the bottom going through layers right now.
I left my ex if 3 years at the bar on our first date because i saw the passive aggressiveness, (sarcastic put downs), lack of object constancy (went inside and seemed to forget she left me on the patio), and the weaponization of her sexual prowess.
That made her chase me even harder because nobody rejects a narc
I just left her yesterday sent her all these videos she went berserk tried saying I’m a bully she has every symptom
Stay strong, don’t forget. Move on.@@Eire32
@@Eire32 she reallly does, literally every single one
@@Eire32 wheelman???
why Why WHY...didn't I know about Narcissistic behaviors before one destroyed our entire family. All 7 Early warning signs and all 5 reasons for accepting their behavior applied to my son and his now wife. But, I am the person who got No 3 reason SO wrong. When my son came to me with crazy stories and concerns for her behavior, I told him to give this poor damaged girl a chance and to show her there are nice people in the world. UGH!!! why oh why?? Had I known I would have told my son to research and follow his gut. Now he is married to her, isolated from friends, estranged from his parents and his family, not able to show any affection to his biological daughter from previous relationship, has anxiety disorder, sees an anger management counselor, has suicidal ideation... etc... your videos are literally life saving @liseleblanc. Thank You
A couple of months in I tried to have our first emotionally open and sincere conversation. She curled up and hid her her face in hands and said “I’m broken and can’t do relationships”, followed by a bunch of confusing comments that made not much sense. It’s over now, I miss her, but she was telling me something true in that moment.
Thanks for your great videos. After 16 years relationship with a female covert narcissist I can‘t tell you how right you are. Kind regards from Germany.
Are you going for another 16?
I believe my wife to be a grandiose narcissist. We've been married for 12 years, and she says we've been together for 15. But I think she is counting from the day we met... Lots of similarities here.
Regards from Poland. :)
@@MS-yf9dwthey can switch between different types depending on the circumstance.
How u guys survive around a narc so long impressive
@@216trixie Surely not. I am living alone since more than one year now.
i experienced this:
"you deserve better"
"your my knight"
‘You’ve got to learn how to communicate’ then hangs up
‘You are the only person I have these problems with’ just fired from their third consecutive career job
Yeah they are terrible communicators. Simple test just bring up something they are doing to you that you don’t appreciate it and see how that goes.
omg he has said these exact phrases to me 😂 unbelievable
"You're the only one who hates me.Everybody else loves me""
My life with her was a running commentary of all the bad things and people at her job and how they all wronged her, twice a day for over a decade, I quietly called myself the emotional punching bag...trying to find a solution to her problems would be brushed aside, she would not want to talk about it after she spewed for an hour ...oh and that was her happy days.. when she was unhappy she'd gaslight and try to take it directly out on me instead..trying to change the subject or trying to talk about something closer to "us" or me would be ignored...I don't think she ever even asked how "I" was...oh Lise, the early "I Love you" is another one...mine was less than a week in...dammed difficult relationship, one sided and one eyed in getting what she wanted - the onus taken off her (she never did anything wrong) yet getting all the attention she needs and of course I had to agree with everything...once finished with you - you don't exist again till the next session... Damned difficult...haha then to top it all off, disgarded..lucky me eh? ☮️
That songs very familiar to me !
Hope you find happiness and moreover a person who values you.
I already did it ! Turn the page 📑 and give your absence to them for life !!! Best of luck 🤞 to you 2 !
I can definitely relate to this. When I discussed this with a therapist, the therapist said, "well maybe that's all she had to talk about". It came off as dismissive of how I felt and pardoned my ex. It was constant for years and years. A person can only take so much of hearing it constantly. No concern of how draining it was for me. I didn't realize it would and can be considered being an emotional punching bag. That I did endure in other ways, her taking her anger out on me. Now I deal with compassion fatigue and feel depleted when I hear people talk about their issues.
Hi Nikki, sounds to me your therapist needs a holiday..not very compassionate to your problem or maybe simply doesn't understand..Being an enduring "supply" for anyone can get tiring but these guys/girls take the cake..When alls said and done you / I were just supply we still are trying to come to terms with that, that these people were simply using us for energy and whatever else they needed us for...So yes, compassion fatigue is a great way to put it..and I understand..
It sure would have been nice to have learned this before I fell for it. When she told me "I have a tendency to sabotage a relationship", I should have believed her, and run like the 😈 was after me.
Very true. I am now out of it for 1 month. I've ghosted her for 1 month and am so happy I did. I've stopped feeding the monster. What saved me is my strong sense of self.
👍 I really have a hard time sympathizing with posters who write about being screamed at, gas lit, hit, manipulated, defrauded etc. etc. and then go on to say they were in the relationship for 10, 20, 30 years or are still in the relationship.
U kan do it❤
Lucky u didn't have kids with her. She will nearly or actually break you
@@carpediem6431guess you have never heard of a trauma bond!!
Spot on. I had a marriage just like this and the reasons for staying hit a nerve too.
Missed so many signs. All phone conversations were focused on him and his life, relationship needed to be on his terms. Early on I kept questioning why I didn’t feel loved even though he would say it often. Invalidated my feelings and opinions. I’d hear you’re too sensitive. But because I had known him years before, I just ignored the signs.
I had a girlfriend many years ago. She ticks several boxes on the NPD checklist. She said to me in the beginning that "it's my way or the high way". An early red flag was that she told me about how she was always helping people, and had gone guarantor for several friends for car loans, but was left paying off their loans after they reneged on payments. That, and she always had to be the subject of discussion; even wanting to know if she had come up in conversation with third parties. We worked with the same people, but not for the same company. Long story short, when she had time for me, she was all over me, figuratively and literally. When she didn't have time for me, I didn't exist. She was always saying "I am advising you for your own good" because I wasn't classy enough apparently, and got angry to the point of threatening to disown me if I didn't do as I was told. (She DID warn me!) But it was the purely heartless things she would say that had me thinking WTF? I had just finished getting her off for the last time and she was floating in the clouds like she always did at such times. Then she started saying "don't tell me father I love you... He would just laugh and laugh and laugh". We never actually broke up. She ghosted me, and I stopped chasing. She was absolutely gorgeous and apparently literally every man she met wanted to bed her, and every woman was jealous of her, but her personality was fake and rotten to the core once she showed her real face. I understand what was going on a lot better now, but Maaaaan, I wish I had watched your videos before I met her... Thank you for putting these evil creatures into perspective so that others don't have to find out the hard way like I did, and so many others have had to...
I somehow am finding it more and more relatable to these comments
This is like my story
“When she had time for me, she was all over me, figuratively and literally. When she didn’t have time for me, I didn’t exist.”
Wow, I felt that. Memories of - and pining for - the former kept me with her during the latter.
I now notice this type of presentation from someone and my previous urge to ignore what they're telling me. And as Lise says, if they tell you they're trouble, believe them! Do the self-care you need to ensure you don't walk blindly or willingly into toxic circumstances. Don't gloss over those flags, thinking you're being generous or giving them the benefit of the doubt. You *know* it can't end well. You know it.
Agree. Any red flag is a BIG deal. These things we pick up on are feelings we shouldn't ignore. I once dated a guy who was literally saying to me, "anything for you," and talking shit about the wait staff (who i've been apart of many times-we are all just people, not less than bc of our job situations), i mean complaining behind her back, to the manager, to her face, i was humiliated!!!!! F that bs. Anyone mean to anyone.... is just mean. Narc or not.
The low self-esteem was me. I was abused in many ways through my life. I thought he would provide the peace needed to heal and get away from my toxic and abusive mother. He did like them and now I'm so mad and pissed. Trying to make it through
My BPD ex said to me, actually said to me in the 1st 3 weeks or so 'I'm a shit girlfriend & I'm shit at relationships. When the dopamine wears off you'll see what I mean'. Of course, I just jumped on the white stallion and set out to save her by proving I'm better than any of the ex's she had problems with. Even the one who spat in her face, the one who left her with a new born daughter for another woman, and the convicted Hungarian immigrant armed bank robber who'd done 5yrs in prison that she lived with. But no, I could save her. It lasted 2 years until I finally saw the light and left her, but it's taken the next 5yrs to try and get past her.. Tks Lise, great and very true video. 🙂
9:45 if someone gossips to you, they gossip about you
Mine literally told me she was crazy and has a hard time getting attached.
All of her exes were also somehow toxic and was involved in a string of short-term relationships with her longest being 2 years on and off, that she ended.
It takes a lot of discipline and self-control to leave someone like this when they tick your boxes physically.
I should have ejected at that moment, but the experience made me stronger and wiser.
OMG! My ex admitted she was a narcissist. But tried to switch her toxic behavior on me. Telling me I'm a narcissist too.
Lise you are the voice of reason and the one who helps make sense of the nonsense.
Thank you for pointing out that a narcissist may tell you they're not a good person. That's exactly what happened with the narcissist I dated. I dismissed it as low self-esteem and simply looking down on herself. I don't ignore this red flag anymore.
Needed this reminder of who I was dealing with, and to never allow her back into my life
I can’t thank you enough for these videos. I was unfortunate enough to be in a relationship with a narcissist for over two years and almost married her. I broke things off when she showed up at work and said she was pregnant with somebody else’s child. When she was trying to guilt me into marrying her, because I wanted to be a father, I knew I had to walk away. Four years later, I was single again and happened to look her up and she was also single having failed her previous marriage. Just like you described in this video there was the love bombing and sex bombing, and all of the other things in a row. Videos like this helped me realize how I was being taken advantage of and manipulated and helped me to walk away and find better situation in my life. Life is too short to have these horrible women manipulate you and destroy yourself while they are already planning on moving onto the next person. Even though we broke up in December and she said she would never live with anybody or find a true love again. She is already engaged to be married and posts everywhere that she has found her truest and best love and is bombarding social media about how amazing her relationship is. I feel bad for this poor guy, as he will be just another one in a long line of destroyed people.
I love that I can use these videos to keep myself safe. I was with a covert narcissist for 5 years until she spit me out. Now I'm learning what to look out for once I heal from this past trauma.
A little over 4 years ago, I wish someone would have literally super-glued my bare hands and butt to a chair, driven spikes through my feet attaching me to the floor, and stapled my eyelids to my forehead, and forced me to watch this video on repeat for a week. It would have saved me from a $hitload of pain!
The “warning” part is a really good point. In hindsight, my sociopathic/narcissistic ex “warned” me about his true nature early on. I specifically remember on one of our first dates he told me he “wasn’t a nice person”. I just thought he was being hyperbolic so I thought nothing of it at the time. He also told me at one point that he doesn’t ever feel remorse and he sees no point in helping the weak. When he said the later, the hairs on my neck stood up. Although, I think he noticed my shock and realized he’d accidentally let some of his mask slip so he followed it up with saying it was a joke. I thought it was a very bizarre thing to say but I ignored my gut sense and decided to believe that it was some weird joke I didn’t understand.
Love the content, only wish it would have been around when I met my soon to be ex 20 years ago... though her number 1 trait was akin to super gaslighting and lack of self-awareness. She made the statement early on (and fairly often since) that she only spoke truth. I took the meaning to be emphatically honest, but learned the hard way that she meant that reality is whatever comes out of her mouth. Her opinions are irrefutable facts. The day she pointed out how her cousin repeatedly posting that she was a good person was a clear sign that she wasn't since you don't have to tell people if you really are was magical, as that statement was her second favorite followed only by she's a very empathic person. Her only mistakes in life have been trusting people who hurt or betrayed her; mineself now being the worst thing to ever happen to her. I always get a sense that she truly believes what she's saying in any given moment no matter how much evidence to the contrary exists. My situation wasn't helped any by all the moral grandstanding my narcissistic mother filled my head with growing up, trying to make me an actual white knight (full chivalry and self sacrifice), though in a rare moment in her case, after getting to know the girl she told me not to abandon like all the rest had, she told me flat out that she was wrong and I needed to ditch her and work on my own life... the one time I didn't listen, the one time I actually should have🤷♂️
One of the few non-narc experts that really knows the intricacies of these “people” and relates the info like an intelligent, mature adult woman. Well done👍🏻✌🏻
Your knowledge on this subject scares me ! In the very beginning, totally out of the blue I heard and I quote “ I’am NOT a nice and innocent person, like u think” wow you are right on !!!
My narcissistic intimate partner told me from the start that he was not a good person. I believed him but I told him he was wrong about him being a bad person and he was fine with me believing that he was not a good person. He said, “I just let you believe that.” Also, he hardly asks much about me. Most times he just tells more about himself. Recently, he went to the ER and told me he was at the ER over a text message and why he was there and I said comforting words to him, but neglected to me he was out of the ER. I also told him that I’ve been mentally ill, but got no comfort from him.
I remember my wife was just so... interested in me so effortlessly. Compared to other women who were more cold and reserved and didn't seem interested, it was a breath of fresh air. Even if her affection was obnoxious and a bit smothering, I told myself, "well, at least this is a clear sign of interest" vs women who I never knew where they stood with me.
She said rather early on “I’m a moody bitch”. I brushed it off. Over 2 years later, still feeling the hurt of only an 8 month relationship, thinking all I had to do was listen. Sooo glad I escaped though.
Good for you, best to run, 14 months for me it was awful.glad you're on your way to be healthy.its brutal.
That is verbatim what my sister said to me about herself.
I wonder if it’s another way of saying “I’m a narcissist”.
My NPD ex-gf referred to herself as a bitch when I never did.
All of these warning signs seem cut and dried to determine the narcissist, but, having worked in an architect’s office with a vainglorious, preposterous, infantile, grandiose fool of a human being for a boss, I found it more interesting to examine how my fellow co-workers compensated to accommodate this guy and his behaviors...can you define suppliers behaviors and survival strategies better, Lise?
Shocking how all signs I meet in one person! Thank you
I'm not capable of love.......that's what I heard. Now I know....
I once had a girl quite literally tell he to watch out cause her therapists told her she had narcissistic tendencies, which I brushed off thinking she was just joking around. That relationship lasted about a week longer before I couldn’t stand it 🤣
My x covert wife .
Told me nearly our whole 20 yr relationship. "You cant handle the real me". They always tell on themselves in an indirect way. She always made statements that weren't clear in the moment. But they all make sense in the end.
When i left the relationship, i got to see the real her she was talking about.
The rage fits and meltdowns, physical abuse, neglecting the children , police calls on me for no reason. All while she was rotating about 8 to 10 men still living under my roof because of that marriage paper. Cause you cant legally kick them out . And they know that. These people are disgusting...
I was told you will never figure me out. You will have to peel back the layers. Well, after 16 months, I finally peeled all the layers.
Not true. They will never let anyone see all the way under. You may see under the mask . And you will know it… eyes literally go black the rage is beyond words
Sometimes they don't talk trash about people they know. It makes them look bad if you know that they hang around those types of people.
Thank you. Again, i'm here bc i'm bpd female, treated, in a stable relationship and very stable myself. I feel like you help me see qualities in myself that I DO NOT LIKE.... thank you girl. I find your little cut assays are fun, do more💗
Hi, you have bpd? Do you show narc traits with your favourite person? I've had to block my bpd gf
I love her but I couldn't do it any more. 😢
She said to me within a month… “no matter how bad I get, promise to never let me go.” - complete shocker as she appeared to be an “angel of light”. I never experienced such a roller coaster.
Damn. She did warn me but I didn't get it.
I’d never felt so inept at life in general until my narc relationship. Everything I did was wrong and/ or open for critique.
So true. She told me..."I can't promise more than 10 years, bc I will get bored and jump to the next relationship", "I am not a good person", "I got with my ex bc I thought I could control him." We got engaged, bought a house together, and two years into it, she monkey branched to another victim (man with a lot of money and willing to spend it on her). They married five months thereafter, and three months after I moved out. I was left confused, but I found these resources and it was an "Aha" moment. I understand now, and that has been super powerful to heal from this craziness.
I was warned by my covert narc that I married later. "I'm a mess". That's enough for me. If I hear someone say something like that now I just gracefully bow out.
Thank you for your videos! Its helping me retain clarity as i continue extricating myself from a narcissistic family environment.
The RUclips 100k plaque!! First time I've seen it. Congrats!
They definitely have a way of telling on themselves if you listen close enough. My ex would always talk in third person, when she really was just describing herself.
Agreed, my observation is in hindsight tho, I was too busy proving myself to take in what I was hearing..
You literally described perfectly my last relationship. 3 months on and I'm healing and so much more educated with narcs. Still think about her all the time but I don't feel.so sad now. Tha is for your great content.
Thank you Lise for sharing these videos. I’m in the same boat as most parents are when their son marries a narcissistic woman. I’m a very strong minded person who loves my children dearly and can’t bear to see them hear. I’m also very vocal and protective over them. What will happen if I confront my daughter in law with the way she’s treating my son? And letting her know I’m onto her game? What’s the best way to handle this situation and not lose my son and 7 month old grandson in the process. Please help and thank you again for these videos.
It's hard to see it when you're in the middle of it like your son. Unfortunately, this is one problem you can't solve for him. Any way you can get him to watch some on point videos to get some insight?
Unfortunately I’m the scapegoat of a very large narcissistic family and unfortunately again I believe that everyone of us has some sort of narcissistic traits that we have to deal with but it is what we do with those traits and how we live our lives that makes us who we are. I would say the biggest red flag out there is a true narcissist can admit to being wrong about a movie or restaurant or something like that but they will never admit they have done something personally wrong. Because if they do, that I’m perfect in every way goes out the window and they would rather throw someone under the bus then have to admit they were personally in the wrong even if the person they are putting under the bus is s significant other or even one of there own kids. Be careful it a narcissistic world out there….
Shockingly accurate. Never seen someone explain it better.
Your videos are a Godsend, thanks Lise!
Looking back #2
Holy crap.
They told me when we were in a deep talk about self healing from past situations and I was the best version of myself and her response was she’s not and she was bad. I defended her from what I knew of her at the time.
#4. I was the hero. Told that all the time. I loved that. I still have no clue why it turned to hate towards me when I constantly was there in every way for her.
I’ll for sure watch out for that in the future. She ended up being a covert narcissist and the trauma bond and addiction to get over once it was all over has been insane to heal from. Still trying to get it all figured out in my own head as to why.
Thank you for making me aware of NPD
So helpful to hear you explain so much I have experienced without realizing how it played out. You nailed it 99.99% which is perfection to me! Thanks for your kind support of our « Phil » community.
1 year and I’m out. Thank you God for showing what I needed to see to get out!
One more reason to stay: Hope. You came from a narcissistic family of origin but this marriage is like that but is not as bad because he's mostly mid-range except when supply is threatened and you make up a narrative explaining/rationalisation the behaviour based on why YOU might behave this way: toxic boss/workplace, death of a family member, hang nail. Fill in the blank. Some of the time it's good. The kids love him even though or maybe because he's not around that much [out gettting supply] and you are fighting for that Norman Rockwell painting. Hope. Deadly.
That's exactly what I experienced with my ex, until one day I said I didn't agree and she lost her mind and left me because of a discussion she didn't agree with. After everything I had done for her. I was actually like a puppy waiting for a reward all the time and was afraid to say somthing wrong. I was walking on eggshell all the time. There where no mistake taken, otherwise she will gaslight, manipulate or use other methods to punish me. It was like a prison. But the crazy thing is that I still love her and cant even let thinking of her one minute. Making me crazy.
Straight to the point! Great. No NPD would stand a chance around you. Nice.
They can fool many people. Chameleons
Mrs. LeBlanc is on point 👉 I tried to be the best man that I could be. But it wasn't good enough. I was walking on eggshells. Communication wasn't very good. Manipulation, control, and gaslighting followed. Then came the discard. I can say, My X will never be showered again with all the bells and whistles.
Her whole routine at the start was about how she was the victim of previous relationship. She was constantly talking about honesty and that she never ever told lies! 🤔She admitted to being angry at that time cos she was grieving for her mother🤔 And she did admit to being overly sensitive, which i took to mean id have to be overly soft and gentle, but it actually meant she was highly suspicious and jealous and she'd grill me every time her Paranoia told her to. Also it turns out she was always lying but i never suspected cos of that initial seed she planted that she never lied. Also the anger and short temper was always there. I believed her act cos i thought she'd been abused, i now dont believe it and know shes extremely controlling and abusive.
Thank you for helping me figure out what’s going on in my relationship with this man
Thank you for the information. I hope to not be tricked by any more of them. It has happened too many times.
This person I am with just don't know, once I say F it I automatically turn cold. Tired of being abandoned and missused. Lifetime abuse is just to taxing.
hello, do you want help in your relationship?
i'm divorcing in just a few days, after 2 years of trying to escape. My wife is definitely a narcissist, based on conclusions of our marriage counselors, and my therapist. The woman I was involved with before her probably was as well. I'm not sure how I had decades of decent relationships and then two narcs in a row. But something they both did, related to "Number 2", is that they "used to be bad people". For example "I was a 'mean girl' when I was younger". They also treated it like it was a funny anecdote from their past, not really something they regret.
When I look back I can't believe how dumb I was to not pay close attention to what my husband said in the beginning. We were together 5 yrs before getting married and having our daughter (that's when the full mask came off)- but when I look back there were so many subtle flags but your #2 in this list was a huge, bright red flag that I didnt pay attention to! He told me in the beginning that he has a dark side and that he can be an "asshole" and that he wouldn't want me to see that side. I didn't know about the traits of narcissism despite having a B.A. in Psychology and Sociology. He was so nice and attentive and we lived together mostly in peace for several years, I brushed it off as to he was dealing with the wrong people and that I'm different and wouldn't cause his "dark side" to come out. These people are truly insidious and it's so sad to see the harm they do on people who have dug sooooo deeply to give them the benefit of the doubt and overlook so many red flags.
Thank you for talking about this. I fell for the love bombing but he also had his ex in the picture as a co-worker, neighbour and friend who didn’t want to accept that he met someone else.
Very true! Unfortunately I learned it after many years of unhappiness with my narcissistic partner 😢
I was with a narcissistic girlfriend for 2.5 months, and she left me when I needed to leave her the most because she was painfully toxic for me. After days and weeks, I finally realized what she had done to me, what kind of red flags I had ignored, and what she was trying to do. Then, a lot of thoughts come to mind-why I ignored those red flags, why I didn't speak about that situation at that time, why I didn't stand up for how she treated me badly at that time. I blame myself, and I feel so ashamed that I was fooled by her. How do I get rid of this? Is this PTSD? Can somebody help me?
I’m sorry you went through such a toxic relationship. I would suggest finding a therapist in your area who provides EMDR and also has knowledge of narcissistic abuse. The “psychology today” website is a good way to search
@@LiseLeblanc Thank you for the reply, I'll check for that. ❤️
I know that is right. You are so on point. Thanks for your help 🎉🎉🎉
OMG! Yes! Mine told me she was hot and cold. There was no middle ground with her and that’s she’s really good at icing people out. I took a screenshot of that text message and you hit the nail in the head when it came back to bite me.
Excellent information!
Thank you Lise
if before i was telling nothing, now i close definitivly my mouth
An excellent exercise for boundary setting is to disengage from obnoxious people mid-conversation; particularly in business and social settings.
Me: “I’m sorry. You’re harshing my mellow, narcissistic fellow; gotta go.”
YMMV
I love this kind of video, Lise. Give so much light on our decisions about leaving the person. It's kind of sad to hear it, because all that you pointed out, I've really noticed in the first two months, I knew that wasen't right. Now, I'm sure that my ex-narc was a covert narcissist, always that passive-aggressive, and that mind games with a blank eye and an angry face with small things.
Thanks, Lise, cheers and love from Brazil.
I wish you all the best and thank you for your positive message
You hit every nail squarely on the head😉
Lise, another lovely and liberating lullaby!
Lise is the Best of them all
Your videos are life changing ❤
Thank you, Lise. An excellent, informative video as always.
"Sweet Takin Women", "Devil In A Blue Dress", come to mind. Just say'n
YOU are the best. Thank you
Is there a video about the difference between Vulnerable Narcissists and Borderline Disordered people?
Apologies if I’ve just missed it. And thanks 😊
Narcissists truly are better than the real thing
We love ya ❤