7 Reasons Codependents Can't Break Free From A Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- Codependency is characterized by an excessive reliance on others for approval and a sense of identity and self-worth. Codependents often prioritize others' needs over their own, have difficulty setting boundaries, and may feel compelled to "fix" or rescue others, even when it’s to the detriment of their own well-being… Narcissists are skilled at quickly assess someone's receptivity to love-bombing tactics as well as to other psychological manipulation tactics. Once a codependent allows a narcissist to highjack their rewards pathways, it will be very very difficult for them to break free from the relationship no matter how bad it gets. In this video I will explain 7 reasons why it is so difficult for a codependent to break free from a narcissitic relationship.
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About Lise Leblanc
Lise Leblanc is a Therapist, Life Coach Practitioner, and Author with over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.
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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT. Lise Leblanc does not provide personalized psychological, health, or legal advice. Any information or responses provided on RUclips are general and hypothetical, not individualized. This content is for informational purposes only and viewers should verify primary sources and/or seek professional services. Narratives about clients are heavily modified to protect their identities, using blurred details to teach and reassure without revealing private information about individuals.
If you have thoughts about harming yourself, get help right away by taking one of these actions:
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DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE.
Introduction (0:00)
Codependents (1:10)
#1: Fear of Abandonment (2:45)
#2: Low Self-Worth and Shame (5:15)
#3: Sense of Duty and Obligation (6:42)
#4: Isolation from Support Systems (9:23)
#5: Hope for Change (10:26)
#6: Trauma-Bonding (12:01)
#7: Cognitive Dissonance (12:36)
Outro (14:19)
#NPD #covertnarcissist #narcissist #narcissism #narcissistic #codependency #codependent
#3 hit home pretty hard for me. Over the past couple of years, I have become the full time chef, man maid, yard guy, laundry guy, etc., etc., etc. even though just like my wife, I have a full-time job and even make the lion's share of the income. I do everything for my youngest with regard to school runs, help with homework, Dr. appointments, etc, and she just sits back and watches me make dinner and work and work until bed time. Sad existence for sure.
You have to talk to your wife, this is not sustainable if you are doing the majority of all duties. Is she burnt out or just lazy?
I bet everytime you try to communicate with her she just dismisses you and you just keep on holding on hoping that things will get better for the sake of keeping a family intact because it is expected on your part to do all of this sacrifices coz "you are a MAN and you have to be that GOOD GUY!"
@@makieRN pretty much spot on.
@@karlz9162 I've tried and the usual response I get for the lack of help is "I'm tired from having to work all day."
Your relationship won't last, or it will become way too toxic for a child to be near if you don't man-up, and reassert equality. It's not sexist it's a fact you make more, so really she should be the one doing more domestic work. Demand at least equality. Demand it. And as someone else said in a comment above, is she lazy or does she just not give a shit?
Thank you Lisa. I broke up with my covert female narc ex recently after 8 months of several breakups and restarts.
Ironically, without her mistreatment of me, I would never have met the sweet kind girl who is the exact opposite she is. So there is some silver lining.
The relationship was heavan for the first 3 months but hell for the next 5. Just as you said, the minute I started setting boundaries everything magically went downhill. It was particularly bad because it was a mix of the narc own behaviors and attitudes and their weaponization of religion.
1. Never get into an exclusive relationship without first getting aligned on core values. Focus on getting aligned (discussing boundaries, etc). If they aren't willing to satisfy your boundaries and go out of their way to make you uncomfortable. leave. no matter what. I wasn't exclusive with her, but she was with me, and then said I was a bad guy for finding someone else who was better. Ironically, I would never had found them had I not been treated like shit.
2. Never accept being compared to others. The constant comparisons to getting compared to other men and real men. I never accepted this which is why we fought all the time. The fights would usually end up with her telling me to go talk to other women and me telling her to go to the real men she really wanted.
3. Never accept put downs or criticism. This is a form of control the narc uses. She used religion against me by saying I wasn't a member of the religion because I wasn't perfect. She gave me ultimatums which I resisted by fighting.
4. Don't ignore the red flags. If something doesn't add up, don't overlook it. Keep pressing and never give up on it. In my culture and religion, its not common for women to have male friends. Initially, I didn't accept this but caved because I loved her. But in exchange I asked for transparency in exchange so I could trust these male friends (who she wanted me to be friends with) by saying to add me to the texts on whatsapp. he said she would let me look at her phone but refused to give me the transparency I needed to make me feel comfortable. She was willing to and did throw away our relationship because she didn't want me to be added to the texts (who she claimed to have nothing to hide) and didn't talk to her male friends often. She said she loved me but it was interesting how quickly she was willing to throw away our relationship the minute I had any boundary or requests to make me feel comfortable. Given the covert female narc is prone to cheating, I was convinced she was cheating. Regardless of whether she was or wasn't, she deliberately went out of her way to create the perception that she was cheating and told me that I was insecure and controlling which I wasn't because I just wanted to feel comfortable doing a thing I was never comfortable doing. I just needed guardrails and she refused to do it. What I asked for wouldn't have cost her anything, so from my perspective, I feel like I dodged a bullet. There was probably something going on in the texts which she didn't want me to see.
5. Don't adopt their behaviors. One of the things I adopted from her was telling her to go talk to other guys whenever we would fight. This wasn't me and I only did it after she was constantly saying go talk to other women everytime I had a boundary.
6. Don't let them turn your family against you.
7. Don't ignore DARVO. Whenever I held her accountable for her behaviors she would go full DARVO. An issue could never be discussed or resolved without creating 5-10 more issues. Nothing ever go resolved because she "didn't do anything wrong".
Perfect timing, my narc ex from 3 months ago popped up with a new number yesterday. I'm done with her, apparently she's not done with me. Oh well, sucks for her.
Take care, stalker narcissists are bad news.
Omg you got all my questions in one video
Thanks Lisa
Im filling for divorce this week
She bankrupted me and took my soul
Been married 1 year and a half and I’m drawing every day with my own tears
Thank you so much for this video
"Feeling that no matter what they do or how they are, they're not enough." It's like the state fair where the games are rigged to be next to impossible. Still recovering from that and missing the intermittent good stuff. Thank you for the insights.
I had just a month, two weeks love bomb, two weeks of the bad stuff . All this 24/7 then she found a bigger target and accused me of rape. My life is wrecked and the worst thing is I miss her and she lives in my head.
I only seem to find either really arrogant abusive partners or narcissists. So I will be single. Codependent, have DD, insomnia, health issues - I need no more.
My god you just described my relationship for the past 6 years.
Your sincerity makes the truth bearable.
Thank you so much Lise, I am married 19 years. I started a therapy to end this relationship that completely destroyed me.
I don’t see the end but I know that I am on the right path.
Im not sure other reasons besides actually having love and loved the person and them telling you for years how special, how real etc the love is between the blowing up in hateful ways then blame you for being the hateful non loving person. Its all over the top but when its so sudden and they have no emotion it really makes you feel used. When you tell them this is how you feel after they leave you and they laugh at you and tear you down more.
I'll be dam! Sounds like you talking about my wife and I. Been together for 48 years and so much you say I can relate to thinking back over our years. Oh Lisa! My heart cries!! I never even heard the word Co-Dependent before!! My life has been such a shamble!!
Thank you Lisa. Your knowledge about narcissists is incredibly deep and everything you say is so true. Normally I never write comments nor send donations but your videos answered so many questions and revived me so quickly that I couldn't stay indifferent. Thank you again for your help.
Never felt better than with the avoidant: emotionally, physically, prospect of our life together. Preferred giving in to being without that validation.
He learned what I wanted and gave it.
Nothing is ever good enough and now that she is pregnant ive been catching hell even more..
You're pretty good, Lise. I'm learning a lot about myself by listening to the truth. It seemed a bit harsh when I listened to you but it's all true. A harsh and painful reality.
This is a cruel game the Narcissist plays. How do narcs live with themselves?
Thank you, this has helped me understand, I was the codependent. The more I study this, the easier it makes it for me to move forward.
We broke up almost 12 months ago and I was at her beck and call, the minute I retracted, boom! Relationship over, she got what she wanted and I was left with massive voids.
Thanks again….🙏
Lisa is in the house ❤
Lise*
Lisa , once again you just keep enlightening me. I have been to 6 different therapists and didn't get anything from them. You are good at what you do, keep it . Thank you.
So much of this video hits the mark, though I expect there are various levels of these narc-co relationships. As someone who seems to match up with a description of a co-dependent (of 73 years old ) it’s almost a choice I make, because other people seem so much more interesting and determined, and less afraid to try new things out.
Lise and others, have you ever considered that narcissists might be demon-possessed? Surely, their actions are evil and if all of them have the same exact strategies, doesn’t it look like there are actually evil spirits driving each of them?
Theres no saving that!
PS
A very wonderful novel on becoming a survivor of narcissistic parents is…. 🥁
Early Autumn
By
Robert B. Parker
(Spenser No. 7)
A bitter divorce is only the beginning. First the father hires thugs to kidnap his son. Then the mother hires Spenser to get the boy back. But as soon as Spenser senses the lay of the land, he decides to do some kidnapping of his own.
With a contract out on his life, he heads for the Maine woods, determined to give a puny 15 year old a crash course in survival and to beat his dangerous opponents at their own brutal game
Mrs. LeBlanc is on point.
I am not a card to be passed from one man to another. No matter how much that man says he has in the bank.
You are a Godsend! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.
You explain it so well. Thank you. 🧡
Awesome video! Thanks!
Do you have a similar video about codependents with bpd people?
My bpd has npd traits
Indeed she does
BPD = Covert Narc.
It’s the same thing
So informative 🎯🎯🎯
"knowing is half the battle!" -GI Joe 😂 (not always) Anyway, thanks so much for your helpful videos. Seriously! At first i just know something is definitely wrong in my relationship but just dont know how to describe it properly and worse, how to deal with it especially when children are involved.
May God give you more blessings for the good work you do.
By the way, Does a Martyr Narcissist and Martyr Complex factor in this topic?
-Avoided confrontations because fear of dialougue pattern dismissing, invalidating, deflecting, blame-shifting, whataboutisming, then proclaiming the convo is over (while unresolved for me).
-Avoided the impending retaliations
-Feared poking the bear - fear of being besmirched
wow, this is exactly what I experienced. Except I didn't avoid it and we fought all the time as a result.
Thanks
On the one hand, I very much go along with this line of thinking and it is a big relief to be thinking like this. But on the other hand, what if these people we talk about are really ideal and reasonably expect an equally ideal person by their side...
If you don't know that you are indeed a reasonably ideal person for your (self-proclaimed?)
ideal person, and think that perhaps you are not enough & cannot become so, LEAVE!!!
@@melissaryan2387 Thank you, really! This is an important piece of thinking and viewpoint for my understanding of the framework. It is hard, very hard to adopt, though.
And somehow I come up with new counterarguments each time I am close to filling the gap.
This time it is: (1) Job/ profession analogy. I (we in general, I believe) usually do not quit the job if we feel we cannot reach the high standards, while the job is rewarding. The idea is flawed, I know, but somehow catches my mind
(2) The price. I often think about the price I have to pay to get something in return and how high this price can be. I guess we all pay. What if there is just a price for being close to another person.
And I can't help thinking that this other person also pays. It's beyond my understanding how he or she (she in my case) can enjoy tears and scandals, there are things which definitely make her uncomfortable. Some I understand and would just prefer another kind of reaction, some - do not, but people are different. Isn't it her price which she is willing to pay?
Anyway, thank you for the reply once again. I came back to it several times and will reread it more.
Hi Lise. Thank you for opening my eyes. I have been in a relationship with a covert narcissist for 2 years. Now we are apart but she still has a lot of stuff in my house. I know I should break contact. I have tried 3 times alreasy to get a deadline or even an adress from her to send it back to her. But she keeps tryibg to use it as a took to gwt back in my home. Should I just throw away her stuff? Mainly clothing but also a HDD with pics of her whole life... A friend said I should throw it out. It feela bad to do so and I am really confused. Can you please give me some pointers?
Hi Lise while ago I mentioned about female coworkers with red flags, you advised to stay away, however I gave her my number to see if she is genuine in getting to know, she said I will text you my number, she did not, I see mood changes in her, every time I want pulled away, silent treatment, then she comes, just yesterday our team was split and I saw in front of my eyes flirting with another guy potential source supply or maybe just want to make me jealous, she just doesn’t let go of me, if she is genuine in getting to know me she has my number, what do you think?
A slightest shift in my mood towards her, she waits for time to get back at with subtle lashing out as no want notice and then she sweet with every one that I have no proof if problem arise and this is work place.
Easier said than done but try to shift your attention elsewhere: other people, friendships, hobbies, working out. Where your attention goes - energy flows. Why are you letting her mess with your mental health?
Stop giving her any attention. Do as Lise said. Attention=supply. Listen man!
You deserve better than this chaotic attachment and addiction (in future)
"Stumbling upon a third party in my relationship was a devastating blow, made worse by my ex-boyfriend's gaslighting and denial. Taking time to heal, I sought assistance from a spiritual advisor, and with their guidance, we've managed to reconcile, and he's shown sincere efforts to change."
Stay away from insecure woman, they often go hot and cold unfortunately. Don't ruin your hearth with potential etc, she have already showed you that she does bot value you.
My thoughts/questions, could a codependent be hesitant to leave because they were too long in a narcissistic relationship that has damaged/destroyed their chances on a independent life/career, possibly by the narcissist destroying them or by giving them up believing the narcissists narrative of a good life with them for too long ?
Could codependents after they break free somehow go full narc to the people that surrounded them when they were in the narcissist relationship ? Like discarding relatives, common friends or their children even ? Like they want to trash everything and everybody involved with their previous narcissistic relationship before ?
Or is that different from narcissism and if so, how ?
Please know that the shame demon CAN be completely extinguished.
The Buddha taught us how.
I have done this.
I went from being genuinely suicidal to feeling absolutely zero shame because the ego is completely extinguished.
It’s been 3.5 years now.
It’s not coming back.
I’m not lying. This is 100% true.
It makes me very sad that so many good people are suffering intensely. I wish I could help them. As far as I know, there is nothing special about me. If I can do it, you can do it.
The biggest mistake that I see these people making is aiming for external validation instead of deeper understanding of why things are the way things are. Unfortunately, they will never escape their suffering until they change that bad habit.
I suppose that's natural if your temperament is highly agreeable. My temperament is highly disagreeable. The Buddha did apparently say that those more strongly inclined to aversion than attachment would have an easier time attaining nibbana.
Nibbana is simply attaining and sustaining the task-positive network.
Changing our aim from (1) a desired sensory experience [like external validation] to (2) deeper understanding of why things are the way things are is the aim which leads to the resilience of the task-positive network.
If you (1) cultivate aversion to desired sensory experience [like external validation] and (2) cultivate love for developing a deeper understanding of the way things are, you are on the path that ends with the total extinguishment of the shame demon and the end of 90% of suffering forever.
SN 56.11: Dhammacakkappavattanasutta explains the Buddha’s 8-fold path which trains the mind to make this shift.
"Stumbling upon a third party in my relationship was a devastating blow, made worse by my ex-boyfriend's gaslighting and denial. Taking time to heal, I sought assistance from a spiritual advisor, and with their guidance, we've managed to reconcile, and he's shown sincere efforts to change."
@@coreyrae4516 All suffering, without exception, is an inner civil war between
1: a part of us that desires a particular sensory experience
and
2: a part of us that desires to see the world the way it actually is.
The part that desires the truth genuinely has our best interests at heart.
Think of it as a war between Satan and God.
Satan wants to destabilize you and tempt you with immediate gratification so that he can break you into “learned helplessness” and enslave you.
But God loves you and wants you to see the world the way it actually is so that you can make good decisions to guide your movements through sensory experience.
“That which we most need will be found in the place that we least want to look.” -Carl Jung
Either the offender has genuine remorse for hurting you or they do not.
If they do not, it has NOTHING to do with you.
They were simply born without the ability to experience affective empathy.
It has NOTHING to do with you not being good enough.
This is a LIE told by Satan to break you and enslave you.
You are a child of God.
You are far more than they will ever be.
When we choose to make the story about us, we are choosing to poke out the eyes of our guardian angel sent by God who is trying to protect us.
Never give your heart to someone who does not have the Holy Spirit within them.
The Holy Spirit will make you fearless if you allow him to do so.
Always choose spiritual love over carnal love.
Love God
Love the neighbor
Do this and it will be easy to say NO to the temptation of Satan.
When we say NO, all suffering ENDs.
google search: TRINITAS TV The most beautiful love song - Heavenly Romanian Voice, Maria Coman (1 Cor 13, 1-8)
Why is it so hard to leave?
Because she made me think she loved me,
because despite all the abuse she made me think she accepted me for who I am despite my mistakes.
Because her lies were so damn beautiful that I couldn't see the truth that was directly in front of me,
because even though she hurt me so badly and robbed me of my sense of self and my very freedom she told me she would never stop loving me,
because no matter what happens she keeps coming back to hurt me again,
because I'm addicted to her lies and her abuse,
because when she wasn't destroying me we shared so many beautiful moments together,
because she's my favourite person and the only way that I can hold her accountable to anything and Stay no contact is by reading the letters I wrote to myself while I was in the jail she sent me to with her false allegations, every single time I think of her,
Because she told me she'd be my wife,
Because she's my worst abuser and my best friend,
Because nobody else can see in her the beautiful broken soul that I see, love and cherish,
Because I love her with all my heart and soul no matter how badly she hurts me, No matter how horribly she's tarnished my name and no matter how many times shes had me arrested, no matter how many times she's nearly driven me to suicide
Because I trusted her
Because I'd give my very life to have a healthy relationship with her even though I know it's impossible,
Because she's the only one who understands me and I her,
Because after she drove me to suicide she saved my life
Because she was my chosen family and i promised to always protect her,
Because for 4 years I spent every moment by her side.
Because I'd give anything to make her happy with me even for just a moment
Because she took parts of me that I can't get back
Because when I'm not with her I don't recognize myself in the mirror
Because she won't tell me she doesn't love me,
Because she broke me
It’s also a numbers game like duck duck goose; only it’s more like 172.4 cluster B(asket) cases to every self-realizing being.
PS
Wait for it; enlightenment is the new sexy. And fedoras!
The IRS wants me go claim Codependents.
"Stumbling upon a third party in my relationship was a devastating blow, made worse by my ex-boyfriend's gaslighting and denial. Taking time to heal, I sought assistance from a spiritual advisor, and with their guidance, we've managed to reconcile, and he's shown sincere efforts to change."
Wrong answer
just prolonging the inevitable