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I learned that people pleasing is a form of self abandonment. Every time I do it, I’m acknowledging my low self esteem/worth. I’m assuming someone else’s feelings/state of being is more important than my own. Or that their approval has more value over my own. I’m grateful today that I chose me more than I used to.
Thank you. I am such a people pleaser. I’m also a caregiver which makes it super hard to draw a line if I can help you and I can’t. I want to have my clients have everything they want, but I also can’t do. I also let them smoke in my car, which is highly against my religion because I didn’t have the words to say you can’t smoke in my car people please don’t get us nowhere.😢
This is not an overnight fix. Being conditioned to be nice all the time is hard to change. Most people don't intentionally manipulate others. People are used to behaving in a certain way. Conditioned response. I think that we need to start asserting boundaries.
I stopped people pleasing and have less friends. I don't care. People who really care about you don't expect constant favors. I learned to people please my mother to avoid her punishment. Your videos are clear and very helpful. Thank you
It took me approx 45 years to learn if you want something out of a relastionship or have expectations of things you like dont be afraid to ask your partner or tell people what you want. They can either say yes or no. I did this in a relastionship a few years ago and it was one of the best things i ever did. Asking and letting the other person know exactly what i wanted. People pleasing though is probably a common byproduct of people with CPTSD and at 52 i still do it a tad too much for my liking .
~I finally stopped initiating contact with my 'family', like holiday greetings, etc.~I noticed it was always me~Once i stopped, i rarely hear from them~
I abandoned people pleasing 4 or 5 years ago. I've never been more free or happy in my life..... but I also learned that I had a bottomless pit of anger because of the things I'd been through in my lifetime. I've been allowing myself to feel (and express) my feelings (including my anger) and I am truly shocked at how much weight I had been carrying with me without even knowing it. Warning: once you pop the top it's hard to stuff it back in. It's gonna flow out (whatever you're holding in unconsciously; anger, sadness, resentment, etc). I suspect that's just part of the healing process but it was pretty unexpected. I sent myself on a wild ride that I had no idea I was going on... if you've been through a LOT of stuff (like me) I suggest you buckle up.
It’s abandonment of the self and I have such compassion for my beautiful little self for learning to do it because she saved me from a lot of beatings abuse and emotion pain many times by her ability to be a chameleon!! I no longer need her to do that now but sometimes she forgets that she’s safe . I do my best as an adult to mind her ❤
Im going thru a midlife crisis due to learning that people pleasing is actually just lying to yourself and others, and that i might not truly be as nice as I or others believe. Its a true mind eff.
anna, thank you for this video. i’m in my 20s, and have been watching your videos for several months now. i have been coming to the realization of just how neglectful and abusive my parents really were/are, and how that’s impacted every aspect of my life (i’ve done a lot of crap fitting to justify my environment and situation). i’m working really hard to break the cycle of people pleasing, and for now, it’s a lot more internal work. it’s a slow process, and i’m not sure who’s going to be under all the masks i’ve worn, but i’d rather give that person a chance to be seen and loved, instead of being liked as someone i’m not.
My father who was my biggest protector and ally in a very dysfunctional household died when I was 16 and then I was on my own. Years later, I became friends with one of his Navy buddies who came to visit and stayed a while. He acted like a surrogate father to my sister and I. We believed him. He secretly was being kind to get me to fall in love with him. When I found out, I was horrified - not only did that feel incestuous and a huge betrayal but it deeply triggered me as every one of my father's friends, except one, either betrayed me or tried to force me into a sexual relationship. Extremely disturbing. It is manipulation. It is not ok
@stitches513 thank you for your kindness. ❤️❤️ It's taken me a long time to start even considering trusting older men. I'm doing this by focusing on facts and the biggie was realizing that my dad's friends were at minimum womanizers and of low moral values and that is what I was exposed to.
That's so weird/disgusting to do that to the chld of a man you considered your "Friend." So it basically just made your father look that much better. ~Meanwhile your mother was nowhere to be found during all this`, right?
@@AlvinKazu my mom had passed by the time the Navy buddy was around. But immediately after my dad died, my godfather, who didn't bother being there for my dad, moved in on my mom and into my dad's bed and then acted like he was morally superior when I was crushed and asked them to please give me time to adjust and grieve. His other best friend tried to R right after his death while I was trapped alone with him for an entire weekend but his son did manage to on a different occasion. My mom physically abandoned me after Dad died but she became emotionally absent / abusive and physically neglectful when I was 3 years old. She was nice to my older sister and oldest brother and my friends though, so I felt deeply flawed for decades. I was the youngest and was abused by siblings and a horrible pedo too. I'm amazed at my will to survive as a child without turning to drugs to numb the pain
@@AbusesOfScientology ~Sry for all you've been through.... There is way beyond too much evl in this world. I don't get how people could put themselves on a young girl, or even a woman. It makes no sense to me. I want a woman to love me for me... How disgsting is it to force yourself onto someone. Since you mentoined drgs, i've been getting high for years now and that's kind of been helping me with my issues and pain. All the best to you, I hope you are healing.
From the other end, it feels kinda fake, like artificial sweetener. If you go out of your way to do something for me that I didn't ask for, but you won't even buy yourself a pack of underwear, how am I supposed to feel about that??? It makes you a martyr. And, honestly, no one likes a martyr.
A real world example to easily test yourself... If you hold the door open for a stranger at a gas station and expect a thank you in return. This is people pleasing. The act of holding a door for a stranger is fulfilled from within. We do it because it is right with our personal morals and values. If we receive a thank you, wonderful! If we don't, and we react with negative judgment towards this stranger... This is the toxicity of people pleasing.
I was just thinking about this earlier today! I love how your videos are always right on time! 😊 I wasn’t feeling great going to work and I thought to myself “why do I have to smile like an idiot when I feel terrible?” It feels disingenuous. And I was walking past a gentleman who probably sensed that I wasn’t in a good mood. He still acknowledged me and tried to say hello. I grunted and continued on. Looking back now, that was rude of me. I wish people didn’t try to take responsibility for how other people are feeling and try to change the dynamic. Like, let me be upset please?? Am I not allowed to feel frustrated or do I just have “an attitude problem”? I feel like I constantly have to pretend to be okay around others or else I’m “making them uncomfortable”. This is why I hate leaving my house. I’m a recovering people pleaser and didn’t have the best support system growing up. I was made to feel like my “attitude “ was a problem when in reality, I’m reacting to something that I didn’t like. It feels one-sided. Sorry for rambling, but please let me know if I’m the only one experiencing this or if there are others out there who can relate?
When I stopped people pleasing people started respecting and coming at me. Some stopped but I dont care. Also as long as I speak more and more and talk about my needs and also ask for things for myself its better. Being yourself isnt selfish Anna or brutally honest. Some people will like it some not who cares?
I am a people pleaser and I have hidden rage inside because I people pleased not cause I wanted to please but it was a survival tactic. I please to keep from being hurt either physically, emotionally or mentally. Also, people pleasing abusive parents because the bible says you have to honor these Narcissistic manipulators. So yeah I have a lot RAGE inside.
Me too 😢I'm not alone ❤ Excersice, assertiveness training, animals , good people .. Disconnecting our past enough to not delude our futures... God bless and know I heard you❤
You are definitely not alone. I have done things that I never wanted to do just to please others. I am very angry about it. I am trying to get some help to change that.
After decades of therapy I figured out that honoring narcissistic abusive parents is accepting the truth about them and protecting myself accordingly. I no longer accept spiritual abuse that basically lies about my need to conform to their selfish agenda that they call God's will.
My Bible does not say you should honor manipulators or narcissists. The Ten Commandments say to honor your parents, however, if one looks closely into the rest of the Bible, you would see that you are not responsible to ruin your emotional health or even support your parents financially. It took me a long time and a lot of research to find this...generally if "religion" causes or nurtures emotional (and of course physical) abuse, it is likely not God's religion. Some pagans used to sacrifice their children to their deity. That was their religion. I hope children (even grown children) will not let themselves be sacrificed to a false "god".
I feel that People Pleasing when one is on the Autism spectrum and with ADHD has a whole other dynamic. I would expound, but I have to tackle some projects atm. Good content, Anna. TY
Great video! I was the target of a limerant people pleaser, so terrible to be manipulated and then blamed for not reciprocating and being nice back. You described it perfectly. Thank you Anna!
I was a people pleaser because it was the only survival tactic that worked that prevented abuse from my parents. I also had to please my way for breadcrumbs of love and validation. The consequences of not pleasing my parents were dire for me and my siblings. To healthy people it looks like manipulation, but to abused people it is a survival tactic in this cold unloving world. Cutting of my parents allowed me to view the world from a different and kinder perspective and necessitated healing myself inorder to relate with it.
@@Anna-nd1nbI have confronted bosses but then feel very uncomfortable every time I have seen them. I have then felt that they have it in for me because I have spoken up.
Same i just try to be professional. Try to ease the anxiety. It’s so hard. Klonopin helps but I don’t want to just rely on medication/s. I’ve been trying to learn things aka my mental health for 16 or so years and I’m only 32! I’ve been thru a lot of healing and so lucky and blessed to even be here but this is my same question. What do we do in return like I need examples and situations so I can gain a better and higher understanding.
The most difficult part about socializing with random people is that there is a need to circumvent around their potential "triggers" that might persuade them to let their guard down long enough to permit you to have a basic conversation with them. Being polite to avoid potentially setting them off or choosing to avoid interacting with others altogether the result is the same you end up isolated one way or the other either because of wanting to leave or because you choose to not get involved in the first place. Alcohol being such a large part of social scenes is part of the problem I encountered in the past because there is a lot of lying and what seems fun and entertaining in the moment eventually leads to broken promises and regrets when the only time anyone is able to open up and talk is when they are slobbering drunk. I believe it as mostly harmless in those situations if it isn't overly personal and you can laugh it off and go on about your business but when you are "friends" or in a relationship with someone like that it quickly becomes tedious and as you said, "draining" especially for an empathetic person who actually takes the time to really connect with others.
Thank you, Anna! I’ve been watching your channel for many years, and you’ve been really helpful! I was feeling a lot of guilt for confessing my love to my limerence object. He said no, and that gave me the courage to finally move on. But the guilt turned into resentment and anger. I felt used. I didn’t trust my gut for many years; I was waiting for the “right moment” to be reciprocated. I think it’s related to my own CPTSD and how I use people-pleasing (savior complex) to socialize. I always felt like a bad child, like a rotten piece of fruit because I had so many needs and feelings, and since no one could understand my actions or the way I felt, my mom sent me to therapy when I was a young child (now I see that I was just a normal kid asking for the bare minimum) and had to be a grown up ever since ("feelings are tacky, behave yourself" is kinda of an expression on my family); so, in a way I made a mask to protect myself. I can also see that my limerence is a way to escape by romanticizing the things that hurt me-a way of saying, “I can fix everything! Just love me back!” and it’s a trap in itself. I see that now and I'm working on my self-love. I'm grateful for your content, it really had been helpful! And everybody, have a nice day!
As an introvated intuitive the highest best compliment i could pay this lady is her intuitive intution skills are off the charts. Great video as always.
yeah, it was necessary not to get hit, or shouted at, or to look wrong and get hit, etc etc. and it's so refreshing to hear it articulated, the terror and the need not to people please but to figure out what and who you actually are. and to still be kind, truly kind. great video thanks Anna.
While there is truth in everything in the video, what's NOT in the video is also important. It's that people who enjoy your bending over backwards for them, dump on you then disappear when you need something, don't reciprocate kindness, etc, are NOT people for you! It's hard enough to break people-pleasing habits born of trauma and/or neglect without having "everything is your fault" reinforced. Part of healing, parenting our inner child, and stepping into responsible adulthood is recognizing that some people just are not healthy to be in relationship with (no matter how much of our shit we get together). Chronic takers can sniff out a chronic giver. A huge part of the healing process is putting up firm boundaries, which will often necessitate not being in contact with them at all. THAT'S taking responsibility for yourself, and not blaming yourself for their transgressions.
Thank you so much for this one Anna last night. I took an eight year cake at my Al-Anon meeting. This is exactly what I talked about the change in me over the past eight years. I never consciously tried to please people. It was just a reflex. Now I am much more authentic and much more happy. Thanks for bringing attention to this such a great way.
This hardwired program still comes back from time to time. The other day I almost bought an insurance package over the phone because I didn't want to make the clerk sad by saying no. In the end I sad no and the clerk was disappointed. I have to live with that feeling now.
What I discovered was that someone within my family was a people pleaser but the authentic self when it came out was actually ugly- the way she really felt was super ego driven and unkind… hidden jealousy and frustration mixed with low self esteem that led to being hurtful and selfish. But then was presented as - this is me not pleasing any of you any more, so I don’t have to be kind or generous like I did all these years… it was like a monster was unleashed.
Just got out of a relationship with a dismissive avoidant and just watching the amount of people pleasing he did with me and with others was so hard to watch cause I could see what it was doing to him and to me and our relationship. I struggle with people pleasing too but I’m more aware of it than he was and was trying to catch myself as best I could. It just got worse and enabled the behavior. It got to a point where he felt smothered and pressured and discarded me. The discard was a blessing in disguise cause it was so toxic and now I can take the time to work on my healing and develop a secure attachment style for myself, create and hold firm boundaries and not end up with someone that is ultimately self sabotaging, being extremely dishonest with themselves and others and inevitably hurts people along with themselves. I don’t deserve that ever again
The only long-term solution to people-pleasing is knowing what you want. So true. Still not there. I used to give my husband his way all the time because I didn't know what my way even was. The Daily Practice has granted me some sanity, but I still don't have that vision of what I want. I'm hoping it comes with time. Crossing my fingers.
We're all rooting for you! If you're interested, you can always attend a free Daily Practice call and ask Anna or one of our coaches a question about the DP directly. Here's a link to our call calendar: bit.ly/DailyPractice_Calls -Calista@TeamFairy
Hi, I relate to this a lot. I think that we can start discover who we are on little things, how do you really like your coffe, what tipe of song do you like, what clothe do you like to ware that make you confortable, how do you really like to spend your free time etc. Begenning from the little things
😭😭😭😭 that’s my life, I feel I am only here to serve others, I don’t even know what I like or want sometimes I day dream a life where I do what I like 😢
Hi Nice to meet you!! i am glad to have found this video!! I am trying really hard here to get over my abusive past!!! and I will tell you it is a long journey like climbing a mountain!! and can I say is it OK to say about running!!! I LOVE TO RUN MY JOINTS ARE NOT HAPPY THESE DAYS BUT I THINK OF MY HEALING AS TRYING TO RUN UP THIS HILL THE FIRST TIME I WAS PANTING SWEATING AND JUST COULDN'T do it but as you keep at it you try hard you eventually get THERE!!! I had a a grandma my maternal grandma i am told am her twin!!! she was such a people pleaser she would get sick I MEAN PHYSICALLY SICK if she thought she upset you or you didn't like her!! I am trying to not give a damn!!! AND I AM GETTING BETTER I AM I had an ex female narc who wanted me to be her basically in a nut shell she was mad I AM NOT OR WASN'T she was going to fire me until my one boss stood in and said HELL NO SHE IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!! we are all allowed to be different!!! my ex NARC THE FEMALE ONE SHE WANTED TO SET ME up with this guy at one of her patriot meetings!! I SAID NO SHE GOT MAD BECAUSE SHE TOLD HIM I WOULD well it would of been nice if she asked me!! I DATED PEOPLE TO BE OH I DON't know why!! men is not my area of expertise!!! as I HAVE COMMENTED BEFORE!! and if you did not agree with who I VOTED FOR IT IS OK!!! OR WHO I LIKE I AM NOT GOING TO BE SILENT ON MY FEELINGS ANYMORE!!! I FELT MY PRESIDENT HE WAS WORTH FIGHTING FOR HE HAD MY BACK ON THE ISSUES I BELIEVED IN!!! AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT ANYMORE!! AND IF ANOTHER PERSON I WORKED WITH was upset i had one of my co-workers throw herself in my arms sobbing because he won!!! see it would of been the opposite for me if he lost!! I know I HAVE BEEN SAYING IT ALOT BUT I AM FREE TO DO IT NOW!! or if yo hate classic rock you hate the color red you hate me that's cool!!! BUT I AM NOT GOING TO BE AFRAID ANYMORE!! I WILL SPEAK AND I WILL ALWAYS DO IT IN LOVE!! thank you for this video!!! you may hate everything about me my voice whatever!!! my weight when i was FAT!!! YES I WAS FAT SHAMED!!! YES I WAS BUT HEY I AM NOT ANYMORE!!! so thank you for this video and the content!!! you are awesome!!! or you can even hate the CLEVELAND BROWNS!!! I DON'T hate them per say but the owner needs to leave!!! or you may hate the tv shows I LOVE THE ONE FOOTBALL PLAYER I WISH WAS MY FRIEND!! WHATEVER THIS IS ME AND IT FELT GOOD TO SAY IT!!! LIKE A BIG FART TRAPPED IN my body dying to come out!!! MY ex female narc hating when I laughed at farting!!! watch this video on YOU TUBE RUN BY FARTING!!!
“People pleasing” is a relatively new concept. As a layman well versed in psychology, I still don’t understand it nor who coined it. I have yet to read anything diagnostic about it. It seems more consistent with a narcissistic tactic used to gain supply. I experience some form of cluster b spectrum, narcissistic personality types daily. But people pleasers? I’m a southerner in the pacific NW. Apart from corporate courtesy, it’s a rather rude, passive aggressive, indifferent environment by contrast to other places I’ve lived, including abroad. I’ve been told that I’m particularly friendly, to which I always respond, “No, I’m just a southerner!” HUGE cultural and psychological differences that are rarely addressed by content creators. Despite my respectful, positive demeanor, I’m an honest, independent thinker who can easily trigger people if I’m not careful. For example, liberals often think I’m conservative and conservatives often think I’m liberal! As such, I’ve learned over time to be careful who I open up to and what I talk about. Not to please others but myself! I’m all about smooth sailing. Childhood trauma, navigating around narcissists, etc can also teach us this valuable social skill/ survival mechanism, which has absolutely nothing to do with trying to please others or coping with our anger. I am rarely angry about anything, all the while I am often dealing with angry people I’m having to calm down and try to stay away from. Hopefully my positive, respectful demeanor shows them the mirror: that their anger is a choice. Of course, narcissists hate the mirror unless it’s what they want to see in it… The more I think about it, I wish the world were full of more fake “people pleasers.” Please sugar coat your anger if you’re going to be angry! 😂 It’s interesting that positive, polite people are often accused of being fake and dishonest by impolite people. Impolite people are accused of being rude and unsophisticated by polite people. I think the bigger question is what kind of society we want to live in. 🙏
most people don't care for authenticity or being a lone wolf but proud to be. Most people twist the meaning of go with the flow which is just mob conformity.
You will be treated like gold for months. Everything is hot and heavy - you found the perfect partner who is attentive, affectionate and passionate. The first red flag is they keep sharing their own stories (non stop blabbing from their aide) and don’t seem to be too interested in what’s going on in your life. The convos always switch back to what’s going on with them. Suddenly there is a switch and they are indifferent. For NO reason. There was no argument, no fight - in fact, the night before might have been one of your best nights together. After that switch, they will never ever come back to normal. You will be faced with constant silent treatment. You will be walking on eggshells. The minute you corner them and ask them what the hell is going on - you will be stonewalled. They gain power this way. You will be CONFUSED af. You will do everything you can to have the “old” them back, because you don’t like this new version. What you need to realize is the “old” version never existed. It was a complete lie and act - learned from friends, movies etc. It was a character made just for you - it’s no surprise you had a lot in common and now suddenly you don’t. The person you fell in love with completely disappeared, they are ghost. It is absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. All you see is the same body without the same soul. The more frustrated they see you - the more the run and push you away because they don’t want you to see that it was all a mask. Affection is out the window at this point. They can barely kiss or hold hands, but when earlier you were on their lap 247. The real them came out and the mask is off - they hate any from of emotion or love because they are not capable of it. You will be faced with constant gaslighting and they will try to distort your reality so you don’t see them for who they really are. You need to run like the wind - this relationship only makes you destroyed. Their friends don’t know.. for the covert ones - only their romantic relationship partners can figure it out. Because they are so careful with their image, it’s all about perception management. And one day… after all the cognitive dissonance and sleepless nights and feeling sick to your stomach.. you open RUclips and it’s a door to all your answers. You are well with a narcissistic psychopath that has no feelings. Leave and never look back. People often wonder why their actions lead to serious hurt or even tragedy. Cheating is a choice, and ignorance often fuels the damage. A huge thank you to *MetaspyHub@gmail. com* for exposing the truth about my cheating narcissist. Your advice and services were a true lifesaver! The access you provided to his phone gave me all the proof I needed-thank you so much...
I've learned people pleasers and narcissists are two sides of the same coin. Both lack a healthy sense of self and behave in ways to get the reaction they want. They make promises without delivering. I let a people pleaser go last year who was a friend from childhood, it was hard because she is good and healthy in many ways, but it didn't make up for this pattern of occasional selfishness and lack of ability to be authentic with me. I definitely felt resentment from her for expecting her to do what she told me she would. And she was the initiator for these promises. But it was totally the right decision! I stopped having random bad dreams about her and am 100% at peace now. ☺️
Are you so sweet that it's saccharine? Are you the type of person who would give someone the shirt off your back, IF ONLY YOU HAD ONE? Will you, at the drop of a hat, drop everything else in your life to do something "magnanimous" for someone else? Will you volunteer for something without ever considering if you should or even could?
I heard it said more bluntly a few months ago that people pleasing is basically lying, and that actually helped me put it in perspective. I learned to do it at a young age to avoid the wrath or my angry, narcissistic mother, but it ultimately led me into a long line of a bosses who took advantage of me and a 14 year marriage that I didn't know how to get out of because I was afraid of / didn't know how to actually speak up for myself. Every time I did before it just seemed to cause me trouble and made people angry, but then I look back and realize it led me to a place where I've never been surrounded by good people who really had MY interests at heart. It's an incredibly difficult cycle to break and I still struggle with it, even with the knowledge of what it is.
I would people please and mimic and do whatever to make people happy… all the while I was miserable. Boundaries and learning to do what I want and love and people that are like me come around and it becomes so amazing!
This used to me. It feels SO good to just honestly say yes or no and then explain why if they want that. I have friends now who seem to really enjoy being with me. I enjoy being with me.
I’m starting a new relationship. I was married to a narcissist 25 years. My mother was a narcissist and when I told her about the abuse she said it didn’t happen and I was making it up. I’m almost 64. I’ve had 13+ years of therapy to learn skills. I met this man on a Christian dating site and his core beliefs seem to mirror mine. I really like him. I’m sticking my neck out here but I’m willing to give him a chance. 🙏🏼
My people pleasing neighbor lady wore me out with frequent visits, bring a sandwich, a plant, etc. She actually set up a drip watering system in my front yard without being asked to! When I tightened my boundaries, she said "that's a slap in the face!" Her desire was fir praise and face time with me, yet the acquaintance never developed into a friendship. After 4 years, I still didn't know what work she and her husband did before they retired. All very intrusive and superficial. I have gone no contact.
For anyone who struggles with this sort of thing I highly recommend the book "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. You have to take it with a bit of a grain of salt because it's really geared toward "normal" people and doesn't address things like childhood trauma or dealing with narcissists. But there's a wealth of good info in there and real concrete steps to take rather than the usual "just set boundaries and say no" - like if we could do that we wouldn't need the book! He describes boundaries in a way that I've never heard before and it was somewhat life-altering for me. He basically says that having boundaries means knowing where you end and other people begin, and that a big part of our problem is that we take on other people's emotions for them. HUGE eye opener for me.
This is me. I'm in the middle of wrecking my 2nd marriage by this "manipulative niceness" and avoidance and fear. So how do I stop? How do I change when I have already done so much damage?
I ask this because I believe it is all true of me. I have very clear sources of complex childhood trauma. I have all of these avoidant and manipulative behaviors. Knowing does not seem to be sufficient to stop. And to some extent all of these videos seem only to enable me to admire the problem instead of giving real practical interventions to break the cycle. Frustrating. Especially when I see the "loop," but feel completely trapped by it.
If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice :) -Calista@TeamFairy
"Being cool is being free from any self-contortion for the sake of approval." When I heard this, I couldn't concentrate on the rest. When I think of the people I know, I see this is true.
Would you consider masking the same as people pleasing? I’m completely blind, autistic, and have CPTSD. I mask certain traits of my CPTSD, and my blindness. I don’t really mask my autism that much, but maybe in some ways I do. I mask things, like crying, running into things, touching and exploring my surroundings, sensory overload, using my accommodations, emotional, flashbacks, and stuff like that. Yes, I am fully aware that there is a time and place for all of this. And that is 100% OK. But I think I put on the mask every single day. I stuffed my emotions down a lot, and refused to ask for help. If these are people, pleasing tendencies, well, it’s time for them to stop. I love being different! Being different feels good. It’s not a burden. I love using the accommodations that help me.
It is people-pleasing. The society is dysfunctional to accommodate neurodiverse people. We can't fight that all the time. Therefore it becomes hardwired to people please but survive. I see this as picking your battles in a war. As much we can mane it better from this point the better it is. Slowly but surely.
Do you know what you happens when you stop being "nice" and stop initiating contact: you lose friends and family and spend all your time alone. That's fine because I've worked on myself for years and enjoy time to myself. Reality is "nice" gets you nowhere. Being a butthead in our society is far more accepted.
The narcissistic person kept finding me and I didn’t know what that was. So I kept trying to be good enough and never was. But I didn’t know I never could be or that anyone would be different. I’m autistic and I wish people would teach others about manipulators
The real cost of people-pleasing: it kills us slowly. It will cost you your dreams, relationships, health, wealth, happiness, love, voice, self-worth, confidence & esteem. It just costs you everything, either we see it or not
A lot of people don't notice anger in people pleasers. Instead they feel insecure because they are the angry ones and they don't feel good about themselves because they are mean individuals. When a nice person comes around, it makes them look at themselves and see how bad and wrong they are.
I lived with a narcissist for years. I was nice because I didnt want to disturb the peace and this person was my roommate that I was renting from. So there was the whole power thing that they had over me. I eventually abruptly moved out. I didn't see the point in trying to reason with a clear narcissist. I think the best option would have been for me to move out as quickly as I could but I put up with it for quite awhile. They were confused when I moved out and wondered why....in this person's eyes everything was great and I was the best roommate they ever had. So yes I can see how it is manipulation but I still don't regret not stooping to a lower level in the name of authenticity when I know it likely wouldn't do much.
a lot on the social media of Discord are like this. Very passive whatever the other person wants until they finally can't handle it anymore so they disconnect from you and act like they are at fault. But in reality it is avoidance and continuing with their passive lives.
Yesterday while walking my dog, a person in my community saw me and asked what I am doing today. I wanted to say: none of your f in business but politely said : What I am doing now. She gossips and I don’t like people asking me what I am eating today for dinner or whatever meal. I guess they don’t know how to strike up a more interesting conversation. Or is it just me.
~I have a really hard time with being asked questions~I dont like it, it feels invasive~And our society encourages it~It feels rude to ask others questions, too, so i come off seeming narcissistic~
I do what I feel best serves the whole because we do live in a world of other people. I work in sales so you ‘either please people’ or you’re not very effective in the gig. I think this is more about personal relationships when one is being exploited or abused, be they toxic family or intimate partners. Toxic family will wipe you out and unless you’ve been enmeshed with a hideous narcopath you do not truly understand the meaning of the phrase ‘he// on earth’. You have one life. Protect your loved ones, your interests and those you care about. You do not owe allegiance to those who don’t reciprocate your care. Let them go. Live. There are some things which are unforgivable. Forgiving or trying to please those who betray you is insane.
People like nothing, damn if you don't damn if you do...so I rather stop judging my own behavor and find joy in whatever I do. I'm nice since for ever but if one mistreats me then bye - bye.
Some occupations have that in them inherently, I'd say....I experienced it in my parents (doctor and teacher...more in the teacher:)) There's a great 5 min video with Marie-Louise von Franz on YT on "Ego and Shadow: The Duality of a Full Personality" . 1970's intro into Jungian stuff but spot on.
You have to understand that people have been conditioned to be like this because of society. When I am at work and I am forced to talk to a co worker and am not being 100% authentic or I would get into a fight every single time I talk to a co worker. You do have to be authentic but you also have to be nice or the other option is not talk at all. I have people that I do not get a long with at my job they are the exact opposite of me but I am forced to be near them. I can say something like maybe you cant handle the work load or you are to lazy or I can say the job isn't easy for some but we all have to do our part. There is a difference the second one is actually being nice. Trust me we all have be nice I don't care who you are.
I didn’t decide to become a people pleaser. I didn’t even recognize I did this. What I did recognize though was that many means I usually could have were permanently shut down. I got this meanwhile. I have to say though this is the first video of yours - I watched many of them- weren’t helpful at all. I felt yelled at what a fool I am ( a feeling I know all too well- ) which doesn’t mean you have to pet me like an attention-seeking cat. This time I felt snubbed, both my parents did this to me ( came some months ago to my attention ) I was really devastated and soo tired. I could hardly manage my life, something my parents told me all my life in more or less subtle ways. I came out of this phase. I’m proud of myself. My first husband was a noncovert narcissist, my second one a covert one. Good luck with that. Meanwhile I’ll soon be 68. I’m not bitter or resentful. I can take on challenges but telling me it’s my fault isn’t a good thing.
I agree, but you can’t be your authentic response when you’re cutting peoples hair and I am really trying to set up boundaries with people and it really takes a lot of skill to set them up and not be aggressive. I am assertive and they still do not get it. I could care less if they like me. I just do not want to hurt their feelings.
"I could care less if they like me. I just do not want to hurt their feelings." I can totally relate to that. I'm not really concerned about whether other people like me or not, I'm concerned with not wanting to be a bad person. I think it goes back to childhood trauma where I thought that my whole toxic family was my fault because I wasn't good enough or because I had the audacity to have been born (which the crime of the century to hear my mother tell it.) But it's kinda like a house of cards. If I admit that I'm not nice, then it's like I'm admitting that my mother was right and I'm a terrible person and everything that happened was my fault. Intellectually I know this is total BS, but it still hits like a gut punch. I think it all boils down to a control thing. In my mind I think that if I don't give this person what they want they'll completely fall apart - they won't be able to handle it and something horrible will happen and it will be all my fault. But the reality is that I'm not that powerful. Some crazy part of me would rather have it be that everything be that everything really was my fault because it gives me an illusion of control, when the reality is that I never had any control over all of the crazy shit that happened in my childhood.
I am struggling with this with my 3 years kid😢😢 what i can do. I don't like when he misbehaves or cries. I control my anger in public. It triggered my addiction which is connected to my trauma 😭. What i can do in this situation
IF YOU WANT A FRIEND BE A FRIEND BUT !ST BE TRUE TO YOU!!! I DO TREASURE MY OWN COMPANY!! I AM LIKE MY PATERNAL GRANDMA THERE NOT AFRAID TO BE ALONE!!! ONE DAY WE WILL ALL BE ALONE I WORKED IN ENOUGH NURSING HOMES TO KNOW THAT!!! ONE SPOUSE IS LEFT!!! SO BE MARRIED SORRY DOES NOT MEAN YOU WON"T BE ALONE!! SO SORRY!! BUT THE TRUTH HURTS!!!
My new maintenance man is a serious people pleaser, total mess. Couldn't fix a wet paper sack, inept. He was more concerned about pleasing me than doing his actual job which if he had done that would've pleased me. Left me without heat for 3 days, I still have leaks under my sink and he ruined the finish of my bathtub. The way I explained him to my friend was that if he was a dog and I threw a ball out the window, 10 stories up, he would jump out after it.
WRONG ... The people pleaser are those who flatter to gain others approval even when they’re doing evil and wickedness; NOT those who are truthful, righteous and good. The bible says to do good to ALL, abhorring evil and clinging to good. Stop 🛑 twisting reality to accommodate an erroneous definition of “people pleaser”. This is how you’re rooting out good people to accommodate evil people who do not care about others.
Would you consider masking the same as people pleasing? I’m completely blind, autistic, and have CPTSD. I mask certain traits of my CPTSD, and my blindness. I don’t really mask my autism that much, but maybe in some ways I do. I mask things, like crying, running into things, touching and exploring my surroundings, sensory overload, using my accommodations, emotional, flashbacks, and stuff like that. Yes, I am fully aware that there is a time and place for all of this. And that is 100% OK. But I think I put on the mask every single day. I stuffed my emotions down a lot, and refused to ask for help. If these are people, pleasing tendencies, well, it’s time for them to stop. I love being different! Being different feels good. It’s not a burden. I love using the accommodations that help me.
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I learned that people pleasing is a form of self abandonment. Every time I do it, I’m acknowledging my low self esteem/worth. I’m assuming someone else’s feelings/state of being is more important than my own. Or that their approval has more value over my own. I’m grateful today that I chose me more than I used to.
😢 so true. I don’t know how to please myself I always please others support them allow them their way. But me in the end of the day I feel empty
This hits.
Thank you. I am such a people pleaser. I’m also a caregiver which makes it super hard to draw a line if I can help you and I can’t. I want to have my clients have everything they want, but I also can’t do. I also let them smoke in my car, which is highly against my religion because I didn’t have the words to say you can’t smoke in my car people please don’t get us nowhere.😢
This is not an overnight fix. Being conditioned to be nice all the time is hard to change. Most people don't intentionally manipulate others. People are used to behaving in a certain way. Conditioned response. I think that we need to start asserting boundaries.
People pleasing doesn't win you love but it helps you avoid being attacked. It's hard to take that out of your tool chest.
I try to focus on simple decency & not be just nice because it’s expected. Kindness as well as patience are reserved for myself & my animal friends
Not necessarily! I often find that people pleasing triggers people to become rude and disrespectful.
I stopped people pleasing and have less friends. I don't care. People who really care about you don't expect constant favors. I learned to people please my mother to avoid her punishment. Your videos are clear and very helpful. Thank you
It took me approx 45 years to learn if you want something out of a relastionship or have expectations of things you like dont be afraid to ask your partner or tell people what you want. They can either say yes or no. I did this in a relastionship a few years ago and it was one of the best things i ever did. Asking and letting the other person know exactly what i wanted. People pleasing though is probably a common byproduct of people with CPTSD and at 52 i still do it a tad too much for my liking .
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
8:22 people pleasing doesnt win you real love.
Really needed to hear that loud and clear.
~I finally stopped initiating contact with my 'family', like holiday greetings, etc.~I noticed it was always me~Once i stopped, i rarely hear from them~
I abandoned people pleasing 4 or 5 years ago. I've never been more free or happy in my life..... but I also learned that I had a bottomless pit of anger because of the things I'd been through in my lifetime. I've been allowing myself to feel (and express) my feelings (including my anger) and I am truly shocked at how much weight I had been carrying with me without even knowing it.
Warning: once you pop the top it's hard to stuff it back in. It's gonna flow out (whatever you're holding in unconsciously; anger, sadness, resentment, etc). I suspect that's just part of the healing process but it was pretty unexpected.
I sent myself on a wild ride that I had no idea I was going on... if you've been through a LOT of stuff (like me) I suggest you buckle up.
It’s abandonment of the self and I have such compassion for my beautiful little self for learning to do it because she saved me from a lot of beatings abuse and emotion pain many times by her ability to be a chameleon!! I no longer need her to do that now but sometimes she forgets that she’s safe . I do my best as an adult to mind her ❤
Plz make more content about people pleasing.
Im going thru a midlife crisis due to learning that people pleasing is actually just lying to yourself and others, and that i might not truly be as nice as I or others believe. Its a true mind eff.
anna, thank you for this video. i’m in my 20s, and have been watching your videos for several months now. i have been coming to the realization of just how neglectful and abusive my parents really were/are, and how that’s impacted every aspect of my life (i’ve done a lot of crap fitting to justify my environment and situation). i’m working really hard to break the cycle of people pleasing, and for now, it’s a lot more internal work. it’s a slow process, and i’m not sure who’s going to be under all the masks i’ve worn, but i’d rather give that person a chance to be seen and loved, instead of being liked as someone i’m not.
Authenticity Honesty Integrity Sincerity Vulnerability 😉 that’s who you are & how you win @ life from someone who’s 66 now 👍
Amen
My father who was my biggest protector and ally in a very dysfunctional household died when I was 16 and then I was on my own. Years later, I became friends with one of his Navy buddies who came to visit and stayed a while. He acted like a surrogate father to my sister and I. We believed him. He secretly was being kind to get me to fall in love with him. When I found out, I was horrified - not only did that feel incestuous and a huge betrayal but it deeply triggered me as every one of my father's friends, except one, either betrayed me or tried to force me into a sexual relationship. Extremely disturbing. It is manipulation. It is not ok
😮I’m so sorry this happened to you….
@stitches513 thank you for your kindness. ❤️❤️ It's taken me a long time to start even considering trusting older men. I'm doing this by focusing on facts and the biggie was realizing that my dad's friends were at minimum womanizers and of low moral values and that is what I was exposed to.
That's so weird/disgusting to do that to the chld of a man you considered your "Friend."
So it basically just made your father look that much better.
~Meanwhile your mother was nowhere to be found during all this`, right?
@@AlvinKazu my mom had passed by the time the Navy buddy was around. But immediately after my dad died, my godfather, who didn't bother being there for my dad, moved in on my mom and into my dad's bed and then acted like he was morally superior when I was crushed and asked them to please give me time to adjust and grieve. His other best friend tried to R right after his death while I was trapped alone with him for an entire weekend but his son did manage to on a different occasion. My mom physically abandoned me after Dad died but she became emotionally absent / abusive and physically neglectful when I was 3 years old. She was nice to my older sister and oldest brother and my friends though, so I felt deeply flawed for decades. I was the youngest and was abused by siblings and a horrible pedo too. I'm amazed at my will to survive as a child without turning to drugs to numb the pain
@@AbusesOfScientology ~Sry for all you've been through.... There is way beyond too much evl in this world.
I don't get how people could put themselves on a young girl, or even a woman. It makes no sense to me.
I want a woman to love me for me... How disgsting is it to force yourself onto someone.
Since you mentoined drgs, i've been getting high for years now and that's kind of been helping me with my issues and pain.
All the best to you, I hope you are healing.
people pleaser is manipulation never heard that before, I used to have that tendency to please everyone but failed to please me
it's not cold calculated manipulation like narcs and psychopaths do, but it's subconsious manipulation still.
From the other end, it feels kinda fake, like artificial sweetener. If you go out of your way to do something for me that I didn't ask for, but you won't even buy yourself a pack of underwear, how am I supposed to feel about that??? It makes you a martyr. And, honestly, no one likes a martyr.
@@annebos4634nah, it's exactly that, "manipulation" telling someone what they want to hear to gain a particular outcome that works in your favor.
A real world example to easily test yourself...
If you hold the door open for a stranger at a gas station and expect a thank you in return. This is people pleasing.
The act of holding a door for a stranger is fulfilled from within. We do it because it is right with our personal morals and values. If we receive a thank you, wonderful! If we don't, and we react with negative judgment towards this stranger... This is the toxicity of people pleasing.
I never thought of it that way. Thank you
I was just thinking about this earlier today! I love how your videos are always right on time! 😊
I wasn’t feeling great going to work and I thought to myself “why do I have to smile like an idiot when I feel terrible?” It feels disingenuous. And I was walking past a gentleman who probably sensed that I wasn’t in a good mood. He still acknowledged me and tried to say hello. I grunted and continued on. Looking back now, that was rude of me. I wish people didn’t try to take responsibility for how other people are feeling and try to change the dynamic. Like, let me be upset please?? Am I not allowed to feel frustrated or do I just have “an attitude problem”? I feel like I constantly have to pretend to be okay around others or else I’m “making them uncomfortable”. This is why I hate leaving my house. I’m a recovering people pleaser and didn’t have the best support system growing up. I was made to feel like my “attitude “ was a problem when in reality, I’m reacting to something that I didn’t like. It feels one-sided. Sorry for rambling, but please let me know if I’m the only one experiencing this or if there are others out there who can relate?
When I stopped people pleasing people started respecting and coming at me. Some stopped but I dont care. Also as long as I speak more and more and talk about my needs and also ask for things for myself its better. Being yourself isnt selfish Anna or brutally honest. Some people will like it some not who cares?
I have people pleasing tendencies. I am working on doing much less of it. I will always be a basically nice person. Yes, it’s trauma based.
I am a people pleaser and I have hidden rage inside because I people pleased not cause I wanted to please but it was a survival tactic. I please to keep from being hurt either physically, emotionally or mentally. Also, people pleasing abusive parents because the bible says you have to honor these Narcissistic manipulators. So yeah I have a lot RAGE inside.
Me too 😢I'm not alone ❤
Excersice, assertiveness training, animals , good people .. Disconnecting our past enough to not delude our futures... God bless and know I heard you❤
You are definitely not alone. I have done things that I never wanted to do just to please others. I am very angry about it. I am trying to get some help to change that.
After decades of therapy I figured out that honoring narcissistic abusive parents is accepting the truth about them and protecting myself accordingly. I no longer accept spiritual abuse that basically lies about my need to conform to their selfish agenda that they call God's will.
Totally feel you girl
My Bible does not say you should honor manipulators or narcissists. The Ten Commandments say to honor your parents, however, if one looks closely into the rest of the Bible, you would see that you are not responsible to ruin your emotional health or even support your parents financially. It took me a long time and a lot of research to find this...generally if "religion" causes or nurtures emotional (and of course physical) abuse, it is likely not God's religion. Some pagans used to sacrifice their children to their deity. That was their religion. I hope children (even grown children) will not let themselves be sacrificed to a false "god".
"Trauma-driven relating patterns" is a good phrase to use, to describe the various things we do! 😞
I feel that People Pleasing when one is on the Autism spectrum and with ADHD has a whole other dynamic. I would expound, but I have to tackle some projects atm. Good content, Anna. TY
Would appreciate your thoughts if you ever get the time to come back and comment. Interesting thought.
Pls explain. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Good insight.
Great video! I was the target of a limerant people pleaser, so terrible to be manipulated and then blamed for not reciprocating and being nice back. You described it perfectly. Thank you Anna!
I was a people pleaser because it was the only survival tactic that worked that prevented abuse from my parents. I also had to please my way for breadcrumbs of love and validation. The consequences of not pleasing my parents were dire for me and my siblings. To healthy people it looks like manipulation, but to abused people it is a survival tactic in this cold unloving world. Cutting of my parents allowed me to view the world from a different and kinder perspective and necessitated healing myself inorder to relate with it.
Continuing to do it once well outside the survival situation is where it tips over into manipulation, but old habits die hard.
What are you meant to do instead? It feels impolite and socially unacceptable when I try to just stop people pleasing
I have the same question. We can't exactly be honest about how we feel sometimes. Like if we have a terrible boss
@@Anna-nd1nb ...or a toxic family who threatens to send the cops to your door if you don't respond to them immediately
@@Anna-nd1nbI have confronted bosses but then feel very uncomfortable every time I have seen them. I have then felt that they have it in for me because I have spoken up.
Same i just try to be professional. Try to ease the anxiety. It’s so hard. Klonopin helps but I don’t want to just rely on medication/s. I’ve been trying to learn things aka my mental health for 16 or so years and I’m only 32! I’ve been thru a lot of healing and so lucky and blessed to even be here but this is my same question. What do we do in return like I need examples and situations so I can gain a better and higher understanding.
The most difficult part about socializing with random people is that there is a need to circumvent around their potential "triggers" that might persuade them to let their guard down long enough to permit you to have a basic conversation with them. Being polite to avoid potentially setting them off or choosing to avoid interacting with others altogether the result is the same you end up isolated one way or the other either because of wanting to leave or because you choose to not get involved in the first place.
Alcohol being such a large part of social scenes is part of the problem I encountered in the past because there is a lot of lying and what seems fun and entertaining in the moment eventually leads to broken promises and regrets when the only time anyone is able to open up and talk is when they are slobbering drunk.
I believe it as mostly harmless in those situations if it isn't overly personal and you can laugh it off and go on about your business but when you are "friends" or in a relationship with someone like that it quickly becomes tedious and as you said, "draining" especially for an empathetic person who actually takes the time to really connect with others.
Thank you, Anna! I’ve been watching your channel for many years, and you’ve been really helpful! I was feeling a lot of guilt for confessing my love to my limerence object. He said no, and that gave me the courage to finally move on. But the guilt turned into resentment and anger. I felt used. I didn’t trust my gut for many years; I was waiting for the “right moment” to be reciprocated. I think it’s related to my own CPTSD and how I use people-pleasing (savior complex) to socialize. I always felt like a bad child, like a rotten piece of fruit because I had so many needs and feelings, and since no one could understand my actions or the way I felt, my mom sent me to therapy when I was a young child (now I see that I was just a normal kid asking for the bare minimum) and had to be a grown up ever since ("feelings are tacky, behave yourself" is kinda of an expression on my family); so, in a way I made a mask to protect myself. I can also see that my limerence is a way to escape by romanticizing the things that hurt me-a way of saying, “I can fix everything! Just love me back!” and it’s a trap in itself. I see that now and I'm working on my self-love.
I'm grateful for your content, it really had been helpful!
And everybody, have a nice day!
Thank you for being a part of our community here! Happy to hear Anna's content has been helpful for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
As an introvated intuitive the highest best compliment i could pay this lady is her intuitive intution skills are off the charts. Great video as always.
Thank you. The compliment means a lot.
yeah, it was necessary not to get hit, or shouted at, or to look wrong and get hit, etc etc. and it's so refreshing to hear it articulated, the terror and the need not to people please but to figure out what and who you actually are. and to still be kind, truly kind. great video thanks Anna.
While there is truth in everything in the video, what's NOT in the video is also important. It's that people who enjoy your bending over backwards for them, dump on you then disappear when you need something, don't reciprocate kindness, etc, are NOT people for you!
It's hard enough to break people-pleasing habits born of trauma and/or neglect without having "everything is your fault" reinforced. Part of healing, parenting our inner child, and stepping into responsible adulthood is recognizing that some people just are not healthy to be in relationship with (no matter how much of our shit we get together).
Chronic takers can sniff out a chronic giver. A huge part of the healing process is putting up firm boundaries, which will often necessitate not being in contact with them at all. THAT'S taking responsibility for yourself, and not blaming yourself for their transgressions.
Thank you so much for this one Anna last night. I took an eight year cake at my Al-Anon meeting. This is exactly what I talked about the change in me over the past eight years. I never consciously tried to please people. It was just a reflex. Now I am much more authentic and much more happy. Thanks for bringing attention to this such a great way.
This hardwired program still comes back from time to time. The other day I almost bought an insurance package over the phone because I didn't want to make the clerk sad by saying no. In the end I sad no and the clerk was disappointed. I have to live with that feeling now.
It's their feeling. Don't take responsibility for someone else's feelings. They were trying to sell you something. You declined. End of story.
You've explained this beautifully. This is the kind of tough love that is very much appreciated. Thank you so much for this!
What I discovered was that someone within my family was a people pleaser but the authentic self when it came out was actually ugly- the way she really felt was super ego driven and unkind… hidden jealousy and frustration mixed with low self esteem that led to being hurtful and selfish. But then was presented as - this is me not pleasing any of you any more, so I don’t have to be kind or generous like I did all these years… it was like a monster was unleashed.
Just got out of a relationship with a dismissive avoidant and just watching the amount of people pleasing he did with me and with others was so hard to watch cause I could see what it was doing to him and to me and our relationship. I struggle with people pleasing too but I’m more aware of it than he was and was trying to catch myself as best I could. It just got worse and enabled the behavior. It got to a point where he felt smothered and pressured and discarded me. The discard was a blessing in disguise cause it was so toxic and now I can take the time to work on my healing and develop a secure attachment style for myself, create and hold firm boundaries and not end up with someone that is ultimately self sabotaging, being extremely dishonest with themselves and others and inevitably hurts people along with themselves.
I don’t deserve that ever again
doing something for nothing means you get nothing for something.
Thank you for covering this topic.
The only long-term solution to people-pleasing is knowing what you want. So true. Still not there. I used to give my husband his way all the time because I didn't know what my way even was. The Daily Practice has granted me some sanity, but I still don't have that vision of what I want. I'm hoping it comes with time. Crossing my fingers.
We're all rooting for you! If you're interested, you can always attend a free Daily Practice call and ask Anna or one of our coaches a question about the DP directly. Here's a link to our call calendar: bit.ly/DailyPractice_Calls
-Calista@TeamFairy
Hi, I relate to this a lot. I think that we can start discover who we are on little things, how do you really like your coffe, what tipe of song do you like, what clothe do you like to ware that make you confortable, how do you really like to spend your free time etc. Begenning from the little things
😭😭😭😭 that’s my life, I feel I am only here to serve others, I don’t even know what I like or want sometimes I day dream a life where I do what I like 😢
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'll be there.
Finally, an explanation of why I am the way I am. Thank you, Fairy.
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
Love these reels, Victoria!
Hi Nice to meet you!! i am glad to have found this video!! I am trying really hard here to get over my abusive past!!! and I will tell you it is a long journey like climbing a mountain!! and can I say is it OK to say about running!!! I LOVE TO RUN MY JOINTS ARE NOT HAPPY THESE DAYS BUT I THINK OF MY HEALING AS TRYING TO RUN UP THIS HILL THE FIRST TIME I WAS PANTING SWEATING AND JUST COULDN'T do it but as you keep at it you try hard you eventually get THERE!!! I had a a grandma my maternal grandma i am told am her twin!!! she was such a people pleaser she would get sick I MEAN PHYSICALLY SICK if she thought she upset you or you didn't like her!! I am trying to not give a damn!!! AND I AM GETTING BETTER I AM I had an ex female narc who wanted me to be her basically in a nut shell she was mad I AM NOT OR WASN'T she was going to fire me until my one boss stood in and said HELL NO SHE IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!! we are all allowed to be different!!! my ex NARC THE FEMALE ONE SHE WANTED TO SET ME up with this guy at one of her patriot meetings!! I SAID NO SHE GOT MAD BECAUSE SHE TOLD HIM I WOULD well it would of been nice if she asked me!! I DATED PEOPLE TO BE OH I DON't know why!! men is not my area of expertise!!! as I HAVE COMMENTED BEFORE!! and if you did not agree with who I VOTED FOR IT IS OK!!! OR WHO I LIKE I AM NOT GOING TO BE SILENT ON MY FEELINGS ANYMORE!!! I FELT MY PRESIDENT HE WAS WORTH FIGHTING FOR HE HAD MY BACK ON THE ISSUES I BELIEVED IN!!! AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT ANYMORE!! AND IF ANOTHER PERSON I WORKED WITH was upset i had one of my co-workers throw herself in my arms sobbing because he won!!! see it would of been the opposite for me if he lost!! I know I HAVE BEEN SAYING IT ALOT BUT I AM FREE TO DO IT NOW!! or if yo hate classic rock you hate the color red you hate me that's cool!!! BUT I AM NOT GOING TO BE AFRAID ANYMORE!! I WILL SPEAK AND I WILL ALWAYS DO IT IN LOVE!! thank you for this video!!! you may hate everything about me my voice whatever!!! my weight when i was FAT!!! YES I WAS FAT SHAMED!!! YES I WAS BUT HEY I AM NOT ANYMORE!!! so thank you for this video and the content!!! you are awesome!!! or you can even hate the CLEVELAND BROWNS!!! I DON'T hate them per say but the owner needs to leave!!! or you may hate the tv shows I LOVE THE ONE FOOTBALL PLAYER I WISH WAS MY FRIEND!! WHATEVER THIS IS ME AND IT FELT GOOD TO SAY IT!!! LIKE A BIG FART TRAPPED IN my body dying to come out!!! MY ex female narc hating when I laughed at farting!!! watch this video on YOU TUBE RUN BY FARTING!!!
“People pleasing” is a relatively new concept. As a layman well versed in psychology, I still don’t understand it nor who coined it. I have yet to read anything diagnostic about it. It seems more consistent with a narcissistic tactic used to gain supply. I experience some form of cluster b spectrum, narcissistic personality types daily. But people pleasers? I’m a southerner in the pacific NW. Apart from corporate courtesy, it’s a rather rude, passive aggressive, indifferent environment by contrast to other places I’ve lived, including abroad. I’ve been told that I’m particularly friendly, to which I always respond, “No, I’m just a southerner!” HUGE cultural and psychological differences that are rarely addressed by content creators. Despite my respectful, positive demeanor, I’m an honest, independent thinker who can easily trigger people if I’m not careful. For example, liberals often think I’m conservative and conservatives often think I’m liberal! As such, I’ve learned over time to be careful who I open up to and what I talk about. Not to please others but myself! I’m all about smooth sailing. Childhood trauma, navigating around narcissists, etc can also teach us this valuable social skill/ survival mechanism, which has absolutely nothing to do with trying to please others or coping with our anger. I am rarely angry about anything, all the while I am often dealing with angry people I’m having to calm down and try to stay away from. Hopefully my positive, respectful demeanor shows them the mirror: that their anger is a choice. Of course, narcissists hate the mirror unless it’s what they want to see in it… The more I think about it, I wish the world were full of more fake “people pleasers.” Please sugar coat your anger if you’re going to be angry! 😂 It’s interesting that positive, polite people are often accused of being fake and dishonest by impolite people. Impolite people are accused of being rude and unsophisticated by polite people. I think the bigger question is what kind of society we want to live in. 🙏
Incredible video! 👏🏼
Such an interesting explanation. Thanks.
most people don't care for authenticity or being a lone wolf but proud to be.
Most people twist the meaning of go with the flow which is just mob conformity.
Yes... So no contact with family as long as you are allowing manipulation they are okay
WOW! THIS is a very hard-hitting honest talk rught here!!!
You will be treated like gold for months. Everything is hot and heavy - you found the perfect partner who is attentive, affectionate and passionate. The first red flag is they keep sharing their own stories (non stop blabbing from their aide) and don’t seem to be too interested in what’s going on in your life. The convos always switch back to what’s going on with them. Suddenly there is a switch and they are indifferent. For NO reason. There was no argument, no fight - in fact, the night before might have been one of your best nights together. After that switch, they will never ever come back to normal. You will be faced with constant silent treatment. You will be walking on eggshells. The minute you corner them and ask them what the hell is going on - you will be stonewalled. They gain power this way. You will be CONFUSED af. You will do everything you can to have the “old” them back, because you don’t like this new version. What you need to realize is the “old” version never existed. It was a complete lie and act - learned from friends, movies etc. It was a character made just for you - it’s no surprise you had a lot in common and now suddenly you don’t. The person you fell in love with completely disappeared, they are ghost. It is absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. All you see is the same body without the same soul. The more frustrated they see you - the more the run and push you away because they don’t want you to see that it was all a mask. Affection is out the window at this point. They can barely kiss or hold hands, but when earlier you were on their lap 247. The real them came out and the mask is off - they hate any from of emotion or love because they are not capable of it. You will be faced with constant gaslighting and they will try to distort your reality so you don’t see them for who they really are. You need to run like the wind - this relationship only makes you destroyed. Their friends don’t know.. for the covert ones - only their romantic relationship partners can figure it out. Because they are so careful with their image, it’s all about perception management. And one day… after all the cognitive dissonance and sleepless nights and feeling sick to your stomach.. you open RUclips and it’s a door to all your answers. You are well with a narcissistic psychopath that has no feelings. Leave and never look back.
People often wonder why their actions lead to serious hurt or even tragedy. Cheating is a choice, and ignorance often fuels the damage. A huge thank you to *MetaspyHub@gmail. com* for exposing the truth about my cheating narcissist. Your advice and services were a true lifesaver! The access you provided to his phone gave me all the proof I needed-thank you so much...
I've learned people pleasers and narcissists are two sides of the same coin. Both lack a healthy sense of self and behave in ways to get the reaction they want. They make promises without delivering. I let a people pleaser go last year who was a friend from childhood, it was hard because she is good and healthy in many ways, but it didn't make up for this pattern of occasional selfishness and lack of ability to be authentic with me. I definitely felt resentment from her for expecting her to do what she told me she would. And she was the initiator for these promises. But it was totally the right decision! I stopped having random bad dreams about her and am 100% at peace now. ☺️
I did not watch the video, but the title grabbed me. In my opinion, being nice is a choice.
What if you actually like people, and are NOT angry, but everyone else assumes you're just people pleasing?
You can tell if it's genuine or not.
Are you so sweet that it's saccharine? Are you the type of person who would give someone the shirt off your back, IF ONLY YOU HAD ONE? Will you, at the drop of a hat, drop everything else in your life to do something "magnanimous" for someone else? Will you volunteer for something without ever considering if you should or even could?
@@pauladuncanadams1750 Pretty much, yeah.
@@khalidcabrero6204 Well, there's your answer.
@ Answer to what?
Soon as I stopped people pleasing, the covert narcissist blocked me
I’m sure many will agree. It doesn’t work either way. Whether you people please or be yourself.
There are no rules, only what happens.
@@Stegosaurus12345of course.
I heard it said more bluntly a few months ago that people pleasing is basically lying, and that actually helped me put it in perspective. I learned to do it at a young age to avoid the wrath or my angry, narcissistic mother, but it ultimately led me into a long line of a bosses who took advantage of me and a 14 year marriage that I didn't know how to get out of because I was afraid of / didn't know how to actually speak up for myself. Every time I did before it just seemed to cause me trouble and made people angry, but then I look back and realize it led me to a place where I've never been surrounded by good people who really had MY interests at heart. It's an incredibly difficult cycle to break and I still struggle with it, even with the knowledge of what it is.
Glad you are here. Hope you will find Anna's content helpful.
Nika@TeamFairy
I would people please and mimic and do whatever to make people happy… all the while I was miserable. Boundaries and learning to do what I want and love and people that are like me come around and it becomes so amazing!
This used to me. It feels SO good to just honestly say yes or no and then explain why if they want that. I have friends now who seem to really enjoy being with me. I enjoy being with me.
I’m starting a new relationship. I was married to a narcissist 25 years. My mother was a narcissist and when I told her about the abuse she said it didn’t happen and I was making it up.
I’m almost 64. I’ve had 13+ years of therapy to learn skills. I met this man on a Christian dating site and his core beliefs seem to mirror mine. I really like him. I’m sticking my neck out here but I’m willing to give him a chance. 🙏🏼
My people pleasing neighbor lady wore me out with frequent visits, bring a sandwich, a plant, etc. She actually set up a drip watering system in my front yard without being asked to! When I tightened my boundaries, she said "that's a slap in the face!" Her desire was fir praise and face time with me, yet the acquaintance never developed into a friendship. After 4 years, I still didn't know what work she and her husband did before they retired. All very intrusive and superficial. I have gone no contact.
For anyone who struggles with this sort of thing I highly recommend the book "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. You have to take it with a bit of a grain of salt because it's really geared toward "normal" people and doesn't address things like childhood trauma or dealing with narcissists. But there's a wealth of good info in there and real concrete steps to take rather than the usual "just set boundaries and say no" - like if we could do that we wouldn't need the book! He describes boundaries in a way that I've never heard before and it was somewhat life-altering for me. He basically says that having boundaries means knowing where you end and other people begin, and that a big part of our problem is that we take on other people's emotions for them. HUGE eye opener for me.
This is me. I'm in the middle of wrecking my 2nd marriage by this "manipulative niceness" and avoidance and fear. So how do I stop? How do I change when I have already done so much damage?
That is a very good question. I would love to hear the answers too.
I ask this because I believe it is all true of me. I have very clear sources of complex childhood trauma. I have all of these avoidant and manipulative behaviors. Knowing does not seem to be sufficient to stop. And to some extent all of these videos seem only to enable me to admire the problem instead of giving real practical interventions to break the cycle. Frustrating. Especially when I see the "loop," but feel completely trapped by it.
If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
"Being cool is being free from any self-contortion for the sake of approval." When I heard this, I couldn't concentrate on the rest. When I think of the people I know, I see this is true.
I'm guilty of this. I am also working on it! thanks for the reminder
We're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
Would you consider masking the same as people pleasing? I’m completely blind, autistic, and have CPTSD. I mask certain traits of my CPTSD, and my blindness. I don’t really mask my autism that much, but maybe in some ways I do. I mask things, like crying, running into things, touching and exploring my surroundings, sensory overload, using my accommodations, emotional, flashbacks, and stuff like that. Yes, I am fully aware that there is a time and place for all of this. And that is 100% OK. But I think I put on the mask every single day. I stuffed my emotions down a lot, and refused to ask for help. If these are people, pleasing tendencies, well, it’s time for them to stop. I love being different! Being different feels good. It’s not a burden. I love using the accommodations that help me.
It is people-pleasing. The society is dysfunctional to accommodate neurodiverse people. We can't fight that all the time. Therefore it becomes hardwired to people please but survive. I see this as picking your battles in a war.
As much we can mane it better from this point the better it is. Slowly but surely.
@ thanks so much. I fully understand what you mean in your comment.
Do you know what you happens when you stop being "nice" and stop initiating contact: you lose friends and family and spend all your time alone. That's fine because I've worked on myself for years and enjoy time to myself. Reality is "nice" gets you nowhere. Being a butthead in our society is far more accepted.
True. People seem to act ‘funny’ when you are good to them.
The narcissistic person kept finding me and I didn’t know what that was. So I kept trying to be good enough and never was. But I didn’t know I never could be or that anyone would be different. I’m autistic and I wish people would teach others about manipulators
The real cost of people-pleasing: it kills us slowly. It will cost you your dreams, relationships, health, wealth, happiness, love, voice, self-worth, confidence & esteem. It just costs you everything, either we see it or not
A lot of people don't notice anger in people pleasers. Instead they feel insecure because they are the angry ones and they don't feel good about themselves because they are mean individuals. When a nice person comes around, it makes them look at themselves and see how bad and wrong they are.
I have SO MANY One Sided Friendships!!! I am SO Sick of it!!!! I do all the Giving, Reaching out FIRST, etc. UGH!!!
Maybe you’re annoying
@@Rollacoastertycoon why are you even here when you're just trolling and belittling others?
Time to stop doing that. Let others reach out first. And if they don't, time to start working on yourself.
@@Rollacoastertycoon so kind of you to assume that about a complete stranger
~I have noticed when a friendship starts off with me as the giver, then that becomes expected!~
I lived with a narcissist for years. I was nice because I didnt want to disturb the peace and this person was my roommate that I was renting from. So there was the whole power thing that they had over me. I eventually abruptly moved out. I didn't see the point in trying to reason with a clear narcissist. I think the best option would have been for me to move out as quickly as I could but I put up with it for quite awhile. They were confused when I moved out and wondered why....in this person's eyes everything was great and I was the best roommate they ever had. So yes I can see how it is manipulation but I still don't regret not stooping to a lower level in the name of authenticity when I know it likely wouldn't do much.
I have people pleasing tendencies. I am working on doing much less of it. I will always be a basically nice person. Yes, it’s definitely trauma based.
Thanks
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes. People pleasers put themselves out on a platter, then resent you for taking from the platter.
This video hit me right in my codependency!~
You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yea. That underlying resentment is there.
a lot on the social media of Discord are like this.
Very passive whatever the other person wants until they finally can't handle it anymore so they disconnect from you and act like they are at fault. But in reality it is avoidance and continuing with their passive lives.
Exactly!
Yesterday while walking my dog, a person in my community saw me and asked what I am doing today. I wanted to say: none of your f in business but politely said : What I am doing now. She gossips and I don’t like people asking me what I am eating today for dinner or whatever meal. I guess they don’t know how to strike up a more interesting conversation. Or is it just me.
~I have a really hard time with being asked questions~I dont like it, it feels invasive~And our society encourages it~It feels rude to ask others questions, too, so i come off seeming narcissistic~
Christine Albright
ON POINT💖!...
THANK YOU 💖!...
"+"!..."💖"!...
Sometimes it is fear.
I do what I feel best serves the whole because we do live in a world of other people. I work in sales so you ‘either please people’ or you’re not very effective in the gig. I think this is more about personal relationships when one is being exploited or abused, be they toxic family or intimate partners. Toxic family will wipe you out and unless you’ve been enmeshed with a hideous narcopath you do not truly understand the meaning of the phrase ‘he// on earth’. You have one life. Protect your loved ones, your interests and those you care about. You do not owe allegiance to those who don’t reciprocate your care. Let them go. Live. There are some things which are unforgivable. Forgiving or trying to please those who betray you is insane.
People like nothing, damn if you don't damn if you do...so
I rather stop judging my own behavor and find joy in whatever I do.
I'm nice since for ever but if one mistreats me then bye - bye.
Some occupations have that in them inherently, I'd say....I experienced it in my parents (doctor and teacher...more in the teacher:)) There's a great 5 min video with Marie-Louise von Franz on YT on "Ego and Shadow: The Duality of a Full Personality" . 1970's intro into Jungian stuff but spot on.
You have to understand that people have been conditioned to be like this because of society.
When I am at work and I am forced to talk to a co worker and am not being 100% authentic or I would get into a fight every single time I talk to a co worker. You do have to be authentic but you also have to be nice or the other option is not talk at all. I have people that I do not get a long with at my job they are the exact opposite of me but I am forced to be near them. I can say something like maybe you cant handle the work load or you are to lazy or I can say the job isn't easy for some but we all have to do our part. There is a difference the second one is actually being nice. Trust me we all have be nice I don't care who you are.
I didn’t decide to become a people pleaser. I didn’t even recognize I did this. What I did recognize though was that many means I usually could have were permanently shut down. I got this meanwhile.
I have to say though this is the first video of yours - I watched many of them- weren’t helpful at all. I felt yelled at what a fool I am ( a feeling I know all too well- ) which doesn’t mean you have to pet me like an attention-seeking cat. This time I felt snubbed, both my parents did this to me ( came some months ago to my attention ) I was really devastated and soo tired.
I could hardly manage my life, something my parents told me all my life in more or less subtle ways.
I came out of this phase. I’m proud of myself. My first husband was a noncovert narcissist, my second one a covert one. Good luck with that. Meanwhile I’ll soon be 68. I’m not bitter or resentful.
I can take on challenges but telling me it’s my fault isn’t a good thing.
this shi@t is on automatic and i need to catch myself not doing it lmfao kinda of a struggle
create anxiety and trash life lmfao
I agree, but you can’t be your authentic response when you’re cutting peoples hair and I am really trying to set up boundaries with people and it really takes a lot of skill to set them up and not be aggressive. I am assertive and they still do not get it. I could care less if they like me. I just do not want to hurt their feelings.
"I could care less if they like me. I just do not want to hurt their feelings." I can totally relate to that. I'm not really concerned about whether other people like me or not, I'm concerned with not wanting to be a bad person. I think it goes back to childhood trauma where I thought that my whole toxic family was my fault because I wasn't good enough or because I had the audacity to have been born (which the crime of the century to hear my mother tell it.) But it's kinda like a house of cards. If I admit that I'm not nice, then it's like I'm admitting that my mother was right and I'm a terrible person and everything that happened was my fault. Intellectually I know this is total BS, but it still hits like a gut punch. I think it all boils down to a control thing. In my mind I think that if I don't give this person what they want they'll completely fall apart - they won't be able to handle it and something horrible will happen and it will be all my fault. But the reality is that I'm not that powerful. Some crazy part of me would rather have it be that everything be that everything really was my fault because it gives me an illusion of control, when the reality is that I never had any control over all of the crazy shit that happened in my childhood.
@ yeah it’s a sense of obligation to people we really could do without.
Does narcissists people can be people pleasing on the the spectrum of the agreeableness trait?
I see this a lot more in women because our society expects it.
*slaps forehead - Doh!
I am struggling with this with my 3 years kid😢😢 what i can do. I don't like when he misbehaves or cries. I control my anger in public. It triggered my addiction which is connected to my trauma 😭. What i can do in this situation
One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can learn it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
IF YOU WANT A FRIEND BE A FRIEND BUT !ST BE TRUE TO YOU!!! I DO TREASURE MY OWN COMPANY!! I AM LIKE MY PATERNAL GRANDMA THERE NOT AFRAID TO BE ALONE!!! ONE DAY WE WILL ALL BE ALONE I WORKED IN ENOUGH NURSING HOMES TO KNOW THAT!!! ONE SPOUSE IS LEFT!!! SO BE MARRIED SORRY DOES NOT MEAN YOU WON"T BE ALONE!! SO SORRY!! BUT THE TRUTH HURTS!!!
I wish I had no idea what you are talking about.
I am no one to anybody 😢
Yeah it's called being a passive aggressive.. lucky i grew out of that years ago...
Or I just don't want to be homeless.
I have a family member who is a first rate seether lol (as a child, it wasn't funny at all)
My new maintenance man is a serious people pleaser, total mess. Couldn't fix a wet paper sack, inept.
He was more concerned about pleasing me than doing his actual job which if he had done that would've pleased me.
Left me without heat for 3 days, I still have leaks under my sink and he ruined the finish of my bathtub.
The way I explained him to my friend was that if he was a dog and I threw a ball out the window, 10 stories up, he would jump out after it.
Yes, I know the feeling you're having.
WRONG ... The people pleaser are those who flatter to gain others approval even when they’re doing evil and wickedness; NOT those who are truthful, righteous and good. The bible says to do good to ALL, abhorring evil and clinging to good. Stop 🛑 twisting reality to accommodate an erroneous definition of “people pleaser”. This is how you’re rooting out good people to accommodate evil people who do not care about others.
Would you consider masking the same as people pleasing? I’m completely blind, autistic, and have CPTSD. I mask certain traits of my CPTSD, and my blindness. I don’t really mask my autism that much, but maybe in some ways I do. I mask things, like crying, running into things, touching and exploring my surroundings, sensory overload, using my accommodations, emotional, flashbacks, and stuff like that. Yes, I am fully aware that there is a time and place for all of this. And that is 100% OK. But I think I put on the mask every single day. I stuffed my emotions down a lot, and refused to ask for help. If these are people, pleasing tendencies, well, it’s time for them to stop. I love being different! Being different feels good. It’s not a burden. I love using the accommodations that help me.