Dismissive avoidant male with an anxious preoccupied female ❤️
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
- In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about the dismissive avoidant male with the anxious preoccupied female.
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#dismissiveavoidant #coachcourt #breakups #healing #anxiouspreoccupied
Hi there! Just wanted to clarify - Gary Chapman is the author of The Five Love Languages. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is by John Grey. 😊
Debby Green hahaha. Yeah that guy! Thank you 🤦🏾♂️
@@IamCoachCourt You're welcome!
I love how you said "she's not trying to change you, she's not trying to take your freedom away, she just wants you to meet her needs". It's such a relief to feel understood. My ex kept accusing me of wanting to control him and I didn't, I just wanted my needs to matter, too. Not just his. Everything in the relationship was on his terms.
I have been through the same! We were routing for marriage and he didn't care after a fight that was propelled due to his poor actions. Days passed and he made no serious attempts to make things right. And then I found out he was talking to and following to other girls. This hurt me badly as it seemed he did have to do anything with me even though we were about to get married in a few months. Being an anxious, I lost my control realising he never was in love with me. And he did the most brutal break up, blaming me for everything.. dumped, and blocked me from everywhere.. Even bad mouthed about me to my family to justify why he was cancelling off the marriage. I hate him the most!
It’s really sad because you can love him so much an nothing matters to him u can’t do a relationship all alone if he doesn’t step up fully in the beginning know the signs run before ur stuck like me after years it’s terrible you never feel fully loved by them ever you end up hating yourself because u know u deserve so much better I want out so bad I know he can’t ever give me what I want fully
This!!
@@Nicole-fl8gv 💯. I know this. It’s the most painful relationship.
I just ended with a DA male. I'm an AP female. It was 100% what you described. Except now he's chasing me with awesome communication, not the next woman. But I can't go back. This would be cycle number 3 of that excruciating hot/cold process. His communication skills go away as soon as he thinks he has me. Fooled me once, shame on him. He fooled me twice, shame on me. But not a third time! No, sir!
Taking my money and time and investing it in ME so I can show up differently for the one who deserves me. Thanks coach! 🎯 ❤️
Karissa Thomas JACKPOT 🎰 😁
That was an eerily accurate depiction of the DA/AP relationship!
Mallory Mire Heal well Mallory 🙏🏾
Wasn’t it ever
This is my relationship with my ex who dumped me 2 months ago , I cried when I listened to it . We were together for ten years , I never knew why I was so miserable but willing to stay . I just got dumped and came here for answers , this video was very helpful for me to understand and process what happened . I'm still hurt 😞 and will be for a while but this gives me some form of closure
I'm so glad it helped with your healing...closure definitely helps with that process
I love how he sums things up so perfectly. I am an anxious preoccupied female and keep falling for DA men. I am recently grieving from a loss with a man who I really fell for, but it will never change. He just wants to keep things as friends and as platonic friends. It is hard, but I don't think he wants to change and I sadly feel frustrated, my needs aren't being met and have to move on.
very very true... I been 5 years to my DA bf and I invest a lot and I am ready to settle with him. But now he deactivating me. I felt so anxious but i followed how to Self-Soothe, self-love, focus to myself, learn the affirmation for myself, build my self-esteem, know my bounderies, knows my value, knows my own feeling and value. Now not much so anxious without his messages even I saw him online. I need communication. Also very true maybe too late for DA to get back a AP female when they regain their self-esteem and know her worth. As for me. Better not to get any relationship to avoid any abandonment again. Better to be alone in life. Because I want a commitment not just a short relationship. So wasting time investing to someone who afraid in a commitment. At least now I know this kind of Attachment style. I am more careful nextime. But As of now I need to focus to myself rather to focus to my deactivating DA. I felt So disrespectful the DA character. But if he come back I am more understanding to him but he must know my need too.
I understand what you feel.ap here with da bf.hard is even an understatement. Add in the shitty personality. Hope I can talk to you.
Actually we got back together last June but this time is extremely unhealthy because of him.won't do anything at all.
We were together the first time for a year and 3 months.we are on long distance. Until now.distance was never an issue and it wasn't hard for us cuz we made things work.he came to visit me every year for the 6 years we have known each other.
He broke up with me September last year and it has been hard for me.From health problems that sprouted to the fact that he was hot and cold and was even mean and cruel to me.when he asked me to be with him again I asked him twice if he was sure but he proceeded to ask me so we gave it a shot. But the dynamic has changed so much...a complete 180.he is the one who has changed so much.from a very clingy dependent sweet guy to a cruel and wicked one.I didn't see any trace of him being an avoidant so it's been really hard to navigate with his new self.
Just want to share my experience that I'm struggling.
@@schuylerwednesday4679 here my fb tintin Ariate Penaredondo.
@@schuylerwednesday4679 maybe he is FA?
@@tintinpenaredondo6531 more like da.is your profile picture the one in a green dress?cuz I'm going to add you now.
@@tintinpenaredondo6531 is this you? The one who studied in bethel Bible college?I can't add you cuz there's no follow button. So I just want to make sure if it's the correct one?girl with a green dress with glasses?
WOW, you explained my ex bf (DA) 100%. Seriously WOW….
I’ve been scratching my head wondering if he was even DA because he did come on so strong at the beginning, he was definitely available and understanding and now a completely different person who’s still hanging on, like he’s unsure. Very painful and confusing, worse than a break up in my opinion.
Dismissive avoidants are a nightmare. can't deal with them, won't deal with them ever again.
This was so spot on. I wasted money, time and a lot of mental time which cost me career progression. And then when you see him going on a date with someone not long after you ended things it’s like wow it took me months and I couldn’t even get you to see me for 5 minutes at a coffee shop. It messes with your self esteem so much but he helped me to get on that path of being whole. I’ve fully moved on and now he’s spying on my socials but I’m DONE.
Crazy, you have beautifully described my relationship with my ex! My ex love bombed me in the beginning, my walls came down and as I got to know him I realized he was super disconnected and lacked communication skills. It wasn't until I read a book about attachment styles that I realized his was dismissive avoidant. He went into his 'cave" to self reflect he said...and never came back. I never heard back from him. I'm still laughing, I say that because it's definitely his loss!
Hello Coach new subbie here. I'm so excited that I came across your channel. This vlog put everything in perspective for me. I'm an AP female and I've been in a relationship with a DA and you're absolutely right I'm in grieving mode right now on my way out. A year of this is ENOUGH!!! I can't do this anymore. I thought I was being too needy or something. I feel like I'm crazy for wanting attention.
After a break up two years ago I went NC, then he came and went, almost a year later he came and went, my fault for respecting his attempt to reconnect this year over a period of a few months (took it slow). It's really no surprise he disappeared (again) so I kindly told him I could not do the disappearances anymore. If one has to disappear for weeks or months on end to search for what one is looking for, okay, fine, people need time and space, but it's a pattern from him I can no longer tolerate as being a healthy one.
Thank you for this video! This is the exact dynamic of my marriage. A lot of videos always put so much on the AP, that we need to be the ones to back off. However, as an AP, I don’t feel like I’m asking for anything out of the ordinary. Thank you for the unbiased explanation of the AP perspective.
It’s because I am an AP 🙈
You just described my whole last relationship-to a tee. I did start grieving the relationship and I was ready to leave but I think he sensed it and beat me to the punch. I am still recovering from the heartbreak and what’s crazy is that I found this video at random and you resemble him so much you could be brothers. I’m actually triggered looking at you.
🥴🥴 haha
@@IamCoachCourt laughing at my pain 😞
@@pdoll96 not at all, laughing at the resemblance. 🤗
@@IamCoachCourt i know. A little joke 😊
@@pdoll96 hard to tell that over keyboards haha. Happy Healing 🙏🏾
So true, I m ap will never get back to da again . It was a 5 yr long relationship , just drained me emotionally .I miss him every single day but feel like there is no future being with such a man . Hope i get over him soon.
You probably won't sadly!
Taking the mask off,
black and white thinking
Bread crumbing
Rigid thinking
Confident daters
Showing up the way your previous partner wanted with the next person
Unrealistic expectations
These are all traits used to describe a narcissistic person as well. Dismissive Avoidant traits are similar
yet different from narcissistic traits and the word narcissist
is often misused and misunderstood. To clear up
the confusion or overlap 🤔
Perhaps a list of similarities and differences would be helpful? TY for all you do 🙏
The difference is that narcissist have a very difficult time during empathy. They’re unfeeling and empty
Coach Court
True, however it’s important to note that a person can become insecure and anxious in relationship with a narcissist, especially if that person keeps attracting narcissistic partners or who was raised in narcissistic environment.
We all have narcissist qualities. A person that is considered to be a Bona fide has to fit very special specific characteristics which is above my qualifications.
Coach thank you! my man is dismissive avoidant, and I am fearful avoidant but pair me with a DA and i appear anxious preoccupied. This video felt extremely relevant. In two weeks will mark 2 years anniversary of us doing... this. He's been breadcrumming me the entire time. Ignores me 5 days a week. But those other 2 are unbelievably beautiful and keep me coming back. Not anymore. its been TWO FUCKING YEARS and if he STILL ain't seeing what a catch I am?!?! I'm way too young and way too hot and way to great to be made a fool 5 days a week. It has taken its toll. I'm done. Life is short. The needle isn't moving at a promising speed and I have lost hope it ever will.
@breathing I truly understand what you are going through. Keep your head up and CONTINUE to affirm who you are. If the DA doesn't want to do the work then you have no choice. Because you are WORTHY of a emotionally healthy relationship. You're a strong person because you have tolerated 1 yr. longer than I have. So just remember that on your future endeavors. Many blessings love
Wow. I'm the same. I was always FA until I met a DA, then I got anxious! My ex did contact me daily, but just a few lines and very limited meets. 5 years later he broke up with me. I am hoping I will meet someone who will want to join lives with me.
I know you commented 3 yrs ago but you summed up exactly what I’m going through & have been the last year (& I’ve known him for 10 yrs; he always liked me, I never had romantic feelings for him until a year ago thx to again his pursuit. I gradually over time fell in love with him and once we entered a romantic relationship, that’s when I saw all the DA traits which I only thankfully discovered about 6 mos ago because I couldn’t figure out why our dynamics had changed. So thank you for your post. It’s validating everything I’m feeling, thinking & contemplating doing right now. It’s time for me to go & I’m just going to fade into the sunset.
@@Genevieve700 honestly THANK YOU for bring this back to my attention. because even though its been 3 years since my post, I dreamed about him last night. And these last few days I've come very close to reaching out to him. Eek. Life. I think what I'm realizing is that I might be more like him than I realized. Available people scare the shit out of me. I flaw-find. I deactivate. It sucks. Life is so complicated.
But thankfully in my dream last night the guy (my ex) treated me like shit. So that also reminded me how awful it used to make me feel to be with him.
Please kindly also let us know how anxious female should behave
Nailed it!! Thankyou so much for this.
Great analogy too...I'm all out of coins and sick of playing that game. Its unfulfilling and doesn't pay anything back. Im about to step away but we have children so I've put more coins in than I can count...time to get real and start investing in myself. Much love
Much love ❤️
This was my current friend, I had to walk away from him. I understand his attachment style but I don’t want that anymore. I was in a 10 year relationship with a da/ narcissistic. Empty relationship!
Lmao! Did you meet my ex?! 😅🤣 you were spot on with everything, down to the looks and how the relationship ended! I just ended my relationship with my DA ex and it was painful but I’m glad that I was able to stay strong and leave before things got worse. I’m an anxious preoccupied that’s now going to work on trying to become more secure and I could no longer fight for him or the relationship because I felt my needs weren’t being met. We had a great relationship for about 3 months then it went down hill when he started becoming cold and distant, inconsistent with his replies, we were long distance and it was hard enough that I tried to talk to him but he shut down too easily whenever we had any type of conflict, he never communicated anything to me and it was difficult for me to talk to him because he would go silent or find ways to avoid our issues. It’s been 12 days since I sent my last text for our breakup and no communication. I’m not going back or looking back either. I’m working on myself and valuing myself more.
😅
Probably my biggest fear that he'll treat another girl better in front of my eyes
This describes every relationship ive ever had. I never knew i was a dismissive avoidant until two months ago when my wife left me. Emotions were never a topic growing up. Ive been researching nonstop. How do i fix it and become a more secure person any special tricks or tips to get me started?
I’m so sorry but happy you have now become aware. I have been dating a dismissive avoidant for a year (we’ve been friends for 10 yrs). I’m very much in love with him but he continually breaks my heart. I realize there is no hope for us, and I don’t think he’ll ever become aware of his attachment style. I know we would be a phenomenal couple together if he could start to heal his deep wounds. But I can’t tell him that. I’m thankful for discovering attachment styles & discovered I’m an Anxious Preoccupied. I’ve been doing the healing work. I wish my guy would as well. Check out The Professional Development School with Thais Gibson. She’s the founder, a therapist & fantastic! That’s where I’ve learned all I know so far & continue to learn. I have joined her online school because she has so much fantastic content & courses & is always offering a free 7-day trial where you can take some courses. There are courses for each attachment style & how to heal and go from insecure to securely attached. She also has short video clips right here on RUclips. Best of luck to you!
It hasn't even been a week and he's planning the wedding. We had our first argument and oh my goodness.
Oh, finally the suggestions for avoidants to change for better undestanding of APs 🥰
Though of course there's work for both
Perfectly explained Coach Court 💜💜
Wow!! This is the best description I have ever heard…thank you so much for this 🙏
Thanks for watching! 🙏🏾
My ex gf of 7 years broke up with me randomly and started dating her college best friend. I’m still shocked. But my ex is an AP I’m a secure, and her new bf is a DA. What is the likelihood that there relationship won’t last. Trying to get my love back. But I have learned a lot and I really regret not seeing these videos when we started dating.
We just want clarity.
I'm an AP, with a hint of FA. Thanks for this video, it's been extremely helpful. If I break up w someone who's a DA though, not sure if I can get attracted to that person again.
Is there a difference between DA and emotionally unavailable? I think my ex was the latter. We had great relationship for 5 years but he was very rigid and wouldn't commit further. He was not able to be that affectionate with words.
Essentially, a DA is someone who is emotionally unavailable. I've learned that they tend to struggle with healthy communication and valuing freedom over joining lives with someone; making them appear unavailable.
Yaaaaays Coach. Thank you!
🙏🏾🙏🏾
Can you do dismissive male with fearful women
That was real good Coach Court! I am really trying with all my might to hang in there !
U nailed it
Animal Lover Thank you!
my ex is a fearful avoidant i think as he has the anxious but hes more dismissive and introvert and suffers from depression
he would constantly tell me he loves/loved me look into my eyes when having sex always kissing and cuddling me but yet there were times he would say he doesnt want sex, he doesnt want to kiss me its making him feel smothered wouldnt stay over more then 1 time a week or 1 time every 2 weeks, a handful of times in 9 months he would stay 2/5 nights in a row but then he would want to leave
he was fun loving but he would have days when he didnt want to talk to me, broke up with me 4 times in 9 months but would pull me back in hours/days, this time he has been hot and cold since our breakup
he knows i love him to bits but he said b4 he is in love with me but wants to have kids with someone near his age even tho i could have kids and we couldnt get on any better when we are together
when we had our break up talk 2 weeks ago he was crying and crying and holding me saying he didnt want to let me go and when i took him home he kissed me and said he loved me and looked very sad, i couldnt even speak then i got out the car and called him and ran up to him crying and said i loved him too and said "we will be alright wont we?" and he said yes and he hugged me again and we both were really sad and then parted ways, he was really nice to me for 3 days after and then just turned saying not to text him and that he hadnt changed his mind
i then left it a week and text him again he was nice but then went cold again, told me us messaging makes him feel bad/hurt
i have no idea what to do to win him back or to try at lease as he has told me not to contact him,he doesnt even want me as a friend which makes me feel pretty worthless that he doesnt at least want something :(
On Point coach 🎯🎯🎯
I swear you talking about me and my DA ex. I’m more FA but have some traits of the AP.
Thanks for sharing Ebony
Thanks!
Love this. Thank you.
I’m in the situation now where it feels like she’s preoccupied and she’s the DA. Can you do an analysis where the roles are flipped?
So true! ♥️
❤️❤️
Omg, this was on point
Make sure you subscribe and share! 🙌🏾
Spot on
I try!!
God was talking because I needed to see this one too 🙌🏾😅
🙌🏾
Everything spot on
I feel I’m overall secure but most secure in a newer relationship with anxious or avoidants. How can I feel less intimidated by secure healthy individuals that I don’t know and trust well before I really get to know them and push them away? I’m afraid keeping open dialogue about my insecurities would be too much for a newer relationship/friendship.
It’s scares me that is my ex and I still love him. Every argument we have he breaks up with me for at least 5 to 6 weeks. It’s really mess me up. Should if he comes back should I give me a chance????
Listening to this actually got me sick to my stomach because it’s exactly how my relationship was.
I dont think its worth it...if u reject him he might chase you
Animal Lover he rejected me. Just if I disagree with him he breaks up with me so easy. I think he sees other people while we’re broken up and they’re at the job we work out.
He might chase you once you lose interest in him. Dont talk or reach out to that guy. I realy dont think he’s worth it. These guys are very manipulative and once they know u still care and love , they will act arrogant. You need to treat him like invisible or trash
Thank you for actually giving me a comment my brain’s been just all over the place after this last break up. Actually have a take Time off work because I was so upset. He broke my heart. Jesse always wanted to keep the relationship private and I felt like he was keeping his options open because he does come off as that player. So I just wanna say thank you because I’ve been an absolute mess
Ya..nothing comes back.
Described me very well 👍🏾
💪🏾💪🏾
Thanks a lot . Well said and I have a question. Do dissmisve avoidant males have bad mood about listening to these videos or understanding that it's for their own benefit and not to criticize or try to change them?
Another one coach. How can u tell if he is a DA or immature Male? Like when they go silent treatment and no contact also immature do that as a way of punishing u and they're really hard and I wish u reply me. Thx
Been with a DA 2 years will they ever marry what signs does a Da show when they Finally thinking marriage and proposal or do they never marry
Just Yes!!!
🤣🤣
No Court the book is not written by Gary Chapman it’s by John Gray. 💫
Thanks Millie. Appreciate that clafication
'Men are from Mars , women from venus ' book authored by Dr John C Gray
I’ve been corrected again lol. Thank you 🙏🏾
What about the other way around, the ap female with da male, what is the dynamic from their point of view?
I think I have several of those videos.
Hey coach! Can you make a video on FA make and AP female?
Zhar Butler I can!
New subbie. do you already have a video about FA female and DA male?
Rina Under Construction Posted a few days ago!
@@IamCoachCourt let me go look back. thank you!
I misread..no I didn’t
@@IamCoachCourt oh okay. I'll stay tuned
🎯 to a tee
Thank you!
John Gray
That’s the one!
Hey Coach, thank you for this reasoning it is helpful but I also feel like it puts all the responsibility on the DA and none on the AP side. Is that really how you see it?
Would have been interesting to see the reply to this
@tigerlily6298 A DA here, doing the work: Here is Heidi Priebe's take: ruclips.net/video/GGEty6uo9Nc/видео.html
Do you have a video on how a male DA can possibly re attract a female AP
Oh yeah.
@@IamCoachCourt She broke up with me because I was being too distant, which I agree, i was. Together a few years in a great relationship, but from what I'm reading is that its impossible to re attract an AP and patch things up. Currently a week in NC and she seems to resent me but still keeping tabs on me through social media. Any advice or have any links that would help thank you for responding
Men are from mars and women are from venus is from John Gray
Thanks for the correction