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Dismissive avoidant: Why women leave emotionally unavailable men
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- Опубликовано: 13 ноя 2020
- In this video, I talk about why women leave men with an avoidant personality.
#DISMISSIVEAVOIDANT
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After watching and reading up so much on DAs and being with a DA for 3 years, I think I can safely conclude that a relationship with a DA is a LOT of pain and DAs should be in relationships only if they realise they're DA and are willing to work on it. Otherwise you're in for a roller coaster ride 😂
I'm a DA on my way to be more secure. I wasn't aware of what i was putting my ex wife through. I knew something was missing but I couldn't figure it out. I was about to go to therapy when she decided to leave... I'm not a monster trying to destroy someone else. And i wasn't doing things to hurt her on purpose. I would be distand and rude, but that's because i wasn't aware, i couldn't put myself in her shoes. Now I can. I can regulate my emotions and block the intrusive thoughts that pushes you to overly criticize your significant other. But once you've aware, once you want to work on it and change yourself everything is possible.
I won't spend the rest of my life alone, im working on myself and no-one else will get close to me and suffer. I'll be a blessing to my next partner because that's my choice.
Congratulations. I'm very sad you lost your wife, but I'm happy you are now aware and working on yourself. I'm rooting for you.
3 years with a DA left him 2 weeks ago and will never go back. They never show any affection or give any back no matter how much you give them. Just a waste of time.
If you’re with one and they are emotionless PLEASE LEAVE for your own sake! Find someone who knows how to love!
I’m a DA man so it’s good to understand why women tend to leave me. Thanks!
They typically leave you first?
'Its not your problem that another person didn't see your value'. - Great insight. Leave people behind who are like this & go and find someone who's much more worth your time & energy. You don't owe them anything, if they are not there for you. They are not there for you to fix ,or try to make them come to terms with vulnerability. That's something they have to do themselves. There's like millions of dudes on the planet, be with one that doesn't require so much of your emotional energy. Thanks again Coach Court
This is hard to come to terms with when you love them and gave your all to understand them and you tried so much make it work. 💔
@@adoptioncorner1984 I hear what you're saying. Just trust that there is someone out there who will put in the love and understanding that YOU deserve. Because you deserved to be loved by someone who really gets you. Enjoy this time of being single & show yourself self love.
I'm a DA, I suffer from it. I was struggling but didn't know exactly what was going on. It's only when I start learning about psychology and therapy that I found the solution. Why are you guys talking as if a DA does that on purpose? One of the reasons I started to avoid sharing my feelings is because one of my ex was rejecting me when I was trying to help her emotionally while she was going through a rough time. She was rejecting all my efforts trying to be there for her, not knowing that she was doing that because she had someone else. When I found out I ended the relationship but it broke me, and I wasn't aware of how bad it hurt me. It's only after a recent work on myself that I remembered that ex and what she did.
Just to say that lots of DA don't do it on purpose. A lot of time, your partner would complain, and you don't know how to make things better. And if the therapist don't know about attachments styles It's even worse. If the love is really there, we should look for solutions together, especially therapy. Getting mad a your partner won't help him/her or change anything
I just stumbled on your videos (this one in particular) and I'm so happy that I did! I just bought the Attached book that everyone recommends and I'm having so many light bulb moments. I'm secure/anxious but lean more anxious and realized that my real "problem" is that I've been dating these avoidant men. I also never really understood the phrase "emotionally unavailable" until this book. There's a statement in the book that literally says that the avoidant is programmed to ignore there partner's needs, it doesn't get more black and white than that. This video in particular hits the nail right on the head. This kind of man seems very masculine, but in the relationship he behaves very feminine with his wishy/washy behavior. I ended up losing all respect for the last guy I was seeing and my attraction for him completely diminished. I'm hoping that with my new found knowledge in the Attached book and your videos, I can learn to completely avoid the avoidant, lol.
It’s not easy giving up on someone. I hate the thought of them waking up when they are old and alone and realizing it’s too late
So true. I know a 53 year old who is still living in his fathers bondage/pain from childhood. You simply can’t help people that don’t want to be helped. The women around him suffered all these years.
@@talkswitTK it is so sad though, they were refused love and security when babies and now they can’t accept love and security. I agree with you, you have to save yourself and the sooner the better because if you stay thinking that you have the magical spell that will change them you will have a lifetime of pain
All these comments I can relate to. Dealing with a DA is painful and it changes you to where you don't even recognize yourself anymore
It’s mental and emotional abuse. It leave scars the world can’t see and help you heal. It’s a very lonely recovery process and the Dismissive cares none the damage they do!
Alot these attachments are subconscious. So a Dismissive may not know what or if any damage they causing. Same like any other attachment.
That’s exactly how I feel.
Basically nobody can understand your pain because it’s such different type of break up, a whole traumatic experience.
it’s so sad
@@josecv9444 I agree! It is very hard to explain why your leaving a DA. I really started to go crazy and didn’t recognize myself when I got frustrated and angry. I felt alone with them. This will be a harder healing than the betrayal of being cheated on.
@@dclarke2179 OH PLEASE......OF COURSE MOOOST OF THEM KNOW....THEY SEE U CRYING CONFUSED AND KNOW THEY HAVE DONE IT TO A TON OF PEOPLE AND ALWAYS RECEIVE THE SAME MESSAGES.......THAT IS EASIER FOR THEM TO AVOID THE TOPIC AND JUST CHANGE PEOPLE, IS A DIFFERENT THING.
Going through this now. The worse pain I have ever experienced.
DAs would not stay in a relationship because they are scared to leave. If anything they would leave for a seemingly small issue out of self- preservation.
They have emotions but cannot share them for fear of rejection.
They are overly sensitive to perceived criticism.
Women just want to feel secure and men can do this by learning their love language and showing them how they feel.
100% they leave on small petty things.
Well stated.
It depends on the love language. Words of affirmation might be a really hard one for DAs
@@laluna424 My ex DA and his first wife were abstinent before marriage. On their honeymoon, he found out she had some hairs on the areolas of her breasts. He said he was so turned off, he would only have sex with her once or twice a YEAR for the 15 years they were together, and he masturbated to porn. He said he left her because she was always depressed. Gee, I wonder why. Poor woman.
Nah fam. I know exactly what I want. I want a man who makes me feel secure in all areas of our relationship. I want man who uses the various love languages to let me know how he feels. I don't want the expressions of love to be mindless routine cos then it gets fake and it all loses value. Men get it wrong by making it routine instead of spontaneous and heartfelt.
Thanks for commenting fam. Subscribe 😅
DING DING DING! I want a balanced effort relationship.
I spent 30ys with this type of man. It takes everything I have daily not to feel I wasted myself on him. I got a beautiful daughter out of this relationship. It was the most lonely 30ys of my life. 3ys post divorce and I’m living my life with a wonderful man who gives me the attention I need.
So if everyone just leaves them , who will love them 🤔🥴 ?
They need therapy
In the end they stay alone and blame others (wife, gf, partner) for their sorrows. Problem with DA's is that they don't know and think they have a problem, it's always others who have problems. Even if they end up marrying someone, that marriage is not successful. So let them be. I loved my DA so much, tried for 6.5 years. But now i don't have the courage. I just wish him love and happiness in life. You can't help/love others who don't want help/love.
They can love each other and be on the same page 💯
I'm a big fan of your videos because they are full of insightful points and give me a lot of info and things to think about. But your channel specifically feels really down to earth, like when you talk about personal anecdotes here and even here or there the technical issues or whatever. Like I'm listening to a relatable person who knows stuff! So it makes me feel like I can figure this stuff out, it's not inaccessible, it's not something only an expert can understand. So thanks for keeping it real. Im going through a hard time but I dont wanna burden my friends always talking about it, and it's just really helpful to hear you speak from a more secure place.
Thank you so much for your comment. This is what makes me want to keep going and continue to share!
Thank you Coach Court.Just after finding you page - an absolute gem! Im in my 40s and never knew different attachment styles existed and i'm just after realising the last guy I was with was a DA. I don't believe that he knew either! 🙈 I would say im usually secure but went a bit AA while dating him as he was giving such mixed signals and kept pulling away after we got close. It came to a head where I know I became too needy with his indecisiveness and starting pressurising him into telling me what he wanted (far too soon may I add 🙈 ) and ended up completely pushing him away. Its been 6 weeks no contact since. The thing is, hes a lovely guy and we've so much in common. I want things to work. Ive gained invaluable knowlegde through your videos since NC and look forward to implementing this knowledge when the time is right to contact him again. I have my faith that this will work!! 🙏
🙏🏾🙏🏾 Good Luck! Wishing you happiness
If he is not going through therapy, it will be very difficult, near impossible for him to change his behaviour...
I was dating a DA for a year (I'm AP and going through therapy and learning how to soothe myself and love myself more).. He is going through therapy but whenever I got too close, he would put the walls up all over again.. We would spend a weekend literally behaving like a couple and going to a romantic town and then he would literally be so busy with work, sports, family and friends that I wouldn't see him for 2 weeks.. At the beginning I thought that he was really busy, but then I realised that it was his way to "deactivate".. Every 2 weeks, it would be the same.. I learned to give him space, I learned to do a lot of self soothing and self loving and self reassurance, and I also learned than dating him was worse than being single/alone...
Nobody can deal with a person that literally behaves like a brick wall when you want to talk about feelings or what's wrong or how can i support you so the relationship grows.. If we can't communicate the relationship won't grow...
And it hurts a lot when you try over and over again with the DA and give all of you, more than you can give;and you are literally the one trying the hardest to be patient, to give space, to understand, to choose very carefully how to talk so they don't feel criticised.. Is like always walking on eggshells, constantly, and ending up frustrated, angry, feeling used and mentally abused...
In my case, I've walked away, and I'm trying my hardest to heal,but it hurts, it hurts so much
Yana I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I can relate to nearly everything you said. I married my DA even though I knew something was wrong. I thought that if I was “careful” about how I worded things, gave him space, learned to take the crumbs he was giving me and just shutting my mouth that I could fix him. I had no idea about DA until about 2 months ago…and it saddens me that he has this.
I don’t even recognize myself. I am a shell of who I used to be and have become anxious as hell. Everyone loves this man…it’s the personal relationships that they do this to…meaning me.
When he stonewalls me it’s like I am in the middle of open heart surgery and the doctor just walks away.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
I’m glad I found your videos I think my ex is an Dismissive he was a good guy but as time went on he became very cold aloof as though he was a different person one day he loved me and made me feel so special and the next day or week he was acting like I didn’t matter any more or have time for me but he would make time for his friends and not me he’s a few years younger then me so I thought at first like it was a immaturity thing a bit I’ve NEVER considered my self a needy female until I dealt with this guy he brought out the worst in me and made me realize I had self love issues he would break my heart ghost me and then act like it was nothing and always expect me to reach out to him when I would ask why he was doing this to me he couldn’t answer he would stop talking to me and break down mentality every time he also gave me different stories that never added up as to why I don’t think he knew his self he would randomly text me every few weeks saying he’s had time to his self to think and he’s sorry for causing me pain he would sound genuine I would forgive him and the next two days he would start distancing and shutting down again I started realizing this was a pattern for him that he clearly couldn’t or wouldn’t stop even though he was telling me other wise the last straw for me was when I noticed he was fallowing one of these girls on Instagram that he had had sex with that was causing issues with us when we were together she hoped in my inbox called me all types of bitches and when I asked him about this girl he told me don’t worry about her I asked him at the time could he block her out of respect he told me he would and I later found out that he never did they were liking each other pictures on each other page normally I wouldn’t make a big deal about my man fallowing other women on social media but it bothered me because he knew this girl didn’t like me or respect our relationship and he just ignored it and sent out the wrong message I’m all about principles he told me it was no big deal but yet he refuse to block her I asked him if they had sex at first he denied it and then he told me oh I told you already I did that was a lie gaslighting me I got so tired of him caring about me one day and then running the next I notice his mother also encouraged his behavior tells him nobody should ever tell him to change her son good but she has admitted to me in the past one on one that she would never date a man like her son but then tell her son I’m too needy she comes off her self as very unstable I don’t want to blame but I suspect that she has somewhat to do with his thinking they are really close as far as myself I have dad issues because my father left me and my sister when we were young with my mom and he never addressed it or talked about it or even apologize I’m a very loving person and I like and often crave reassurance and the guys I was dating and attracting were good guys but very unavailable in the emotion department so I never felt my emotional needs being met and I know I dragged that into my relationships I’m working on my own demons but I do feel better knowing that this is a real thing and I’m not just crazy my ex would often do and say things and then say he didn’t do or say it lol I just knew SOMETHING was horribly wrong after a while I cut off all contact with him he always tries to reach bk out to me every few weeks once it sinks in that he ran away but this time I’m not quick to except him back because I know we love each other but I keep telling him we don’t need to be together I told him if you love me get therapy and focus on yourself but he refuses to do this or even acknowledge he has a problem every time I suggest anything beneficial it’s always a response of he don’t need that stuff or I’m trying to “play”him🙄 I notice he started getting a little strange as well telling me he wanted to be 12 different things for work randomly saying things like he wanted to be a bounty hunter a teacher and go to the army even though he has no known interest in these things it sounds like a joke but he was very serious at the time it’s like he doesn’t really know who he is or what he wants out of life and when I would try to ask he would get upset or make excuses to get off the phone with me but try to convince me he was so sure and confident and when I would point out otherwise he would become upset at me he also uses the excuse of him being a Muslim but doesn’t even act the way or think the way a Muslim would one thing I know about them is their religion is based on respect with their counter parts women play a big roll in their community but he says things like money over women and he needs to get his money up in the streets and he is not even a street man like his words don’t match with what he says and I’ve tried to point that out but I’m pretty blunt and like straight forward I now know that I was probably making him feel like I was attacking him I’m very passionate so I come off harsh and I understand I need to work on my communication sorry for the long read but it’s a long story and I been so hurt and confused and alone and now I have a better understanding I don’t see us getting bk together but I know he’s going to try soon again it’s like when I’m not into him he’s claiming he wants to come bk in my life begging me he’s actually super persistent when I don’t bother but I don’t want that type of relationship it feels toxic and unstable to me and I don’t like or enjoy that feelin but it doesn’t seem to bother him when I talk to him about it he looks at me like he’s confused and says I’m difficult which makes me not want to be with him I really think he has this condition and doesn’t even know it
13:43- actually we do know what we want, and what we don’t want. Dismissive and preoccupied are both extremes, that's why of course we don't want that. If a woman was with a dismissive man, she surely doesn't want another extreme. It's like your showering me with icy water and when I complain - you give me hot water instead of warm.
Well said!
Aren’t the attachment styles on a spectrum ?
Just found your channel....binge watching your videos and subbed. Thank you!
I respect more because you are spiritual... We need more of you
My spirituality is what recharges me to keep giving! I really appreciated this comment
I agree...they do show whishy washy. Same thing about having a good communication...I got accused to be "Intense" for pointing those 2 things previously.
You are a amzing person Coach!!! Thanks words of love
Man! I appreciate those kind words! Thank you so much
I've waited nearly 3mins and the video hasn't even started!
Right, so from research it seems likely I'm a dismissive-avoidant, which honestly makes sense considering every relationship I've had a chance at getting into I've avoided or ignored and pretending no such offer was made. However, from reading it seems dismissive avoidants are made by lacking parental attention which is not something I'd say I had. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4, but we still saw my dad fairly often, started being homeschooled by 4th grade, and have a mom and step-dad who are self-employed so we were always together (Spent the majority of time with mom and step-dad, holiday breaks we spend with dad). So lack of attention seems unlikely. However I do have a theory, not sure if it makes sense as I'm still pretty new to the whole attachment theory, but we moved a lot. In a 4 year period, we moved 7 or 8 times, I remember moving before I was 4 and leaving a friend then, pre-school and kindergarten started, then dad divorced, then parents started a summer food truck and we spent most the summer hopping from fair to fair to fair, moved again and switched schools, got to 2nd grade and moved again losing another friend and switching schools since we'd moved from the northern border of the US to the Southern border, finished 3rd grade, next year started homeschooling, moved 3 times in the same general area, moved out of state to a different house losing yet another friend, the guy sold the house out from under us so we ended up moving yet again, made a new friend just to have his mom ghost my family. Essentially my theory is every time I try to put down roots I get dug up before they get anywhere, so why bother putting roots deep at all.
DAs are made, but they are not forever. You deserve love too.
@@cachectin23 Agreed and appreciated. But doesn't make it any easier to accept love. From my pov attachment has almost always equaled pain and loss, and even though I'm aware of my problem, and aware of what I need to do in order to fix said problem, it isn't easy. I've spent the last decade or so putting up these walls, even knowing how to take them down doesn't make it easier. It is legitimately and physically painful for me to open up to people emotionally about anything. If I hurt myself that's my problem, and I don't plan on sharing unless I feel that either A it's good for a laugh, B I could wind up in a rather serious condition if I don't tell someone, or C I think it'll make me seem tougher. I don't even bother talking about emotional pain, I've held the weight for years and I'm in no hurry to open up irl anytime soon.
@@shadowthewarlord705 as a Fearful Avoidant, I totally get what you are saying.
@@cachectin23 I'm working on opening up, slowly, started by opening up momentarily with a friend group, now more focused on opening up with myself. Because upon experimentation I can't even accept my own emotions, I just repress them so actually letting them in is where I'm at on the train, and being emotionally honest with myself is hard, don't even want to think about opening up with people closer to me such as family.
@@shadowthewarlord705 I think that is all you can do at this point. It takes learning to trust that not everyone is out to hurt you and that emotions are healthy and serve a purpose, mainly to provide you with information. Emotions are hard. And people like us are taught they are dangerous.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge Coach Court ☺️🙏🏻❤️
🙏🏾
I leave because they are soooo boring. 😂😂
Hello coach how are you doing I missed the live but got the replay you always try to help people but don't forget to take care of yourself
You have mentioned gifts as a love language 🤔 ;)
Please - TELL me where you purchased that beautiful tigers eye bracelet on your arm..
It was a gift ☺️, but I’m pretty sure it was purchased on an etsy shop!
I must agree
Good content. But you constantly getting distracted by different things, hard to follow
It was a live session, sorry about that
Where are these lives? I keep missing them. Is it om IG?
Sorry. I kind of do them sporadically
I’ll do a live tonight for you! In between 6-8 central time
@@IamCoachCourt thank you for letting us know in advance 😁
DO YOU RESPOND TO ANYONE? IT SEEMS AS IF YOUR A AVOIDANT MAN?
I responded to you on another post. Journey well Sue 🙏🏾
Calm down Sue - dammmm!!!