Dismissive Avoidant: How to tell when an avoidant is done for good | Coach Court
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
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In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin gives signs of how to tell when an avoidant is done for good.
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• The Dismissive Avoidan...
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#dismissiveavoidant #coachcourt #breakups #healing #anxiouspreoccupied
My experience is that because they are completely incapable of any type of healthy communication, they just become meaner and meaner to push you to break up with them
Yes!
Amen 100%%%%%$%%%%%%%%
💯
Avoidant’s inability to communicate properly is not my problem. A secure person will tell you to you’re face if they are unhappy or not. Do the work to make yourself secure
Yes!!
Sounds very empathetic 😂
For starters, I am NOT contacting her lol! Managing a relationship with a dismissive avoidant was the most emasculating experience of my life.
That’s crazy you feel that way bc my DA made me feel like I couldn’t be my divine feminine self! They bring out the worst..if you let them. Yay to us for moving forward 👏🏾✌🏾
it emasculates man and DA rekationships make women feel like they are men and not their atner because we have to be i charge of everything to protect this vurnerable glass child
Holy 💩 brother I thought I was crazy. I just went through that wtf is wrong with these people !!!!
My wife did this to me after 4 years and I'm a confident masculine man.... So I thought lol. 2 weeks after leaving... Back to myself. And of course these vids help so much. Left a month ago without organizing my leaving... But I had to... Couldn't deal with that anymore. It totally mentally melted me down. She's going to get divorce papers in a week !! I'm ready to move on and heal 🙏🏾
Melted me down. Straight up. Constantly contradicting me. Mad if they didnt have control. Manipulative without even realizing it. They dumb ass expectations they have of an ideal partner or what you should do in the home.
And they won't know what they lost until its gone. They try to hoover. But are not willing to do any work to fix their problems or take accountability
Find someone more physically and emotionally attractive
Give what you get. If they dont want to be bothered give them the space they obviously desire.
Poor communication and then they get upset because you didn’t understand them. Crazy making imo
OMG THISSS IS SO ACCURATE Like how are you mad at me because I don’t understand you but you won’t even explain anything to me?
@@BabyFaceRose messing with your mind
@@adoptioncorner1984 I hate it 🤦🏽♀️ dismissive avoidant are hard to deal with😭 I’m like wtf
@@BabyFaceRose mind blowing madness. It's so emotionally and mentally unhealthy
Yeah. This is true. I am definitely anxious but whatever I wanted in the relationship was taken away, she even said she doesn't do reassurance her "brother likes reassurance" (her words), she would do the distancing and say text "I miss you" despite not calling and talking to me for days. It's maddening and yes, I too was told I didn't understand her like her father didn't understand her mother. I am just a wreck because it's like running a gauntlet. Like progressing through every level of Mario with just three lives.
I've dated 2 DA. They come back when it's too late. I'm AA. Just broke up with my 3rd DA. I realized I needed to fix my AA style and am doing very hard work.
how's it going
@GR AWAKENDREAM I've realized some people are not even DA....they are bad people with Narcissistic traits. I've moved on.
Same it’s also a pattern for me as well. I’m realizing fixing my attachment style will fix this pattern as well.
@@kimberleyann51 yoo me too. Whole time I’m showing grace thinking she’s a DA whole time she’s actually an ego driven entitled narcissistic brat way more emotionally behind for her age
I am also an Anxious Attachment and recently my Dissmissive Avoidant broke things off for the 3rd time. As hard as it was for me to do, I needed to walk away. Even though I love him and what we had was something special. The constant fear of him leaving especially knowing everything was good and he was happy, was heart breaking... I couldn't do it on my own anymore. He needed to want to fight for our relationship too. So I had to let him go 😢 and I'm now doing the work to move from Anxious Attachment style to secure attachment style.
Absolutly spot on. A Dissmisive Avoidant often tells you things and can't always be obvious as they don't explain very well. It's in hindsight when you look back, they told you what is what and it all falls into place. Awesome video!
Thanks Rob
@@IamCoachCourt Yeah... looking back I see the signs too... but we've been together for 8 years and I feel like she was afraid of me leaving her and felt not good enough so she subconsciously pushed me away - try to leave me, before I leave her. And since I am more anxious type I think I clung onto her too much, because I was worried I would lose her, which sort of pushed her away a bit of a chicken and egg situation. On one hand I feel like we both loved each other so much we were too afraid of losing the other, but not loving ourselves enough to not be so afraid.... on the other hand, looking back I feel like she's always been shopping for somebody who would give her more attention wherever we went. Always shopping for attention, she even fantasized about being a cult leader, I assume this was why...seems like no amount of attention was ever enough for her. In general, nothing was ever enough, whatever gave her dopamine or some other nice brain chemicals, she could never get enough of and couldnt stop, which was often destructive or too draining.
0:50 1. It's been 3 months of no contact & you contact but they're still cold & distant. They've moved on & you should move on.
2:30 2. They're in a different relationship & make it public.
4:00 3. They told you what they didn't like about the relationship but you didn't pay attention.
Seriously??? You're crazy! 3 months of no contact and you think a dismissive avoidant as checked out and gone for good?? A true dismissive avoidant usually doesn't start to process a break up for at LEAST 6 months, usually longer. If you contact a DA after only 3 months, it's not going to be nice. A DA has had years to learn coping skills and it takes them longer to process their emotions. The very best thing anyone can do when dealing with a DA, is to go about your business and start the process of getting over them. Disappear off social media and let them start to wonder what you are up to, but by all means, don't contact them at 3 months, because they will see this a pressure. A dismissive avoidant leaves because they place more importance on their freedom than relationships. So give them what they want, freedom and let them stew.
True. They will just give you breadcrumbs / hot and cold respons when u try to reach out under 3 months. It's really hard. I stop trying and went NC and process my healing and move on for good
Yes, I thought this too, because the first time my ex, who I believe is an avoidant, broke up with me... It took him almost exactly 6 months to reach out and tell me he missed me. He broke up with me again a couple months ago, after another 2 years and 2 months together.... This time feels different though. I unfriended him so I could heal and not see profile pop up, and he blocked me. I really don't think he'll be back this time but I don't know. I just can't count on it anymore.
Our last conversation took probably an hour and a half to talk about what we were thinking and feeling, and why he wanted to break up. I told him I was willing to work on things, because he meant a lot to me and so does the relationship, but that if he wasn't willing to work on things, then that's the situation. I told him I still love him and he said he did too. We hugged a lot and we kissed, He was rubbing my arms and my sides, moving the hair out of my face and wiping my tears. He even held my hand, interlocking our fingers. I just don't understand. I still miss him so much, but I have no choice but to move on. 😔💔
Never answer the narcissists again
EXACTLY@!@@
My DA warmed back up twice after extended deactivation and separation- both times he said he was done. I would reach out periodically every 2-4 months to check in. Once he responded at the 8 month point and the other time at the 9 month point. (No social media in our case.) Sometimes the DA shut downs aren’t directly related to you and in time and space, they recognize that. They recognize their part in the relationship rupture. Also after months, they have time to feel their feelings for you again and for their feelings to override their fears. It is a VERY slow and long process to reconcile with the DA. It takes an abundance of time and trust building. And the more DA they are, the longer it takes. Six months is no definite indication that the DA is done, especially when you share a strong bond and emotional connection.
But why would you want to after months and months? What kind of relationship is that?
did you date others during that time period
@@sarahg4091 Exactly.
I agree.
But I feel like holding on to hope any longer than 6 months cannot be good for you. I'm speaking from experience. Holding on keeps you back and delays the healing process. It prevents you from meeting someone new.
If hye didn't care to contact you or check in on how you were doing, if you were dead or alive for 6 months, they do not deserve you and you don't deserve to to have such a person hurting you in your life.
When my DA broke up with me, I went through intense grieving for 2 weeks. After that I set a date in my calendar for 6 months. Deleted her from all social media on that day.
If someone dumps me, I might wait around for a month. Maximum.
They wi;; never take ownership for their wrong doings.They only point out flaws, minor flaws.The glass is always half full.
All I can say is wow. From all this he’s definitely gone forever! It’s definitely been hard. Spending 10 years with a dismissive avoidant has done a number. I sure hope it doesn’t take me 2.5-5years to get over him. But honestly I can see how it could 😢
I'm in the same boat. It got to the point when he left I wasnt feeling anything not even hurt. It's a repeating pattern with mine knowing him for over a decade
Those are literally the ones that wait until a few years down the line or until they’re actually ready for something serious to realize damn I had a good person I miss them and come back😂 but by then it’s like you have to be fully over them
🤷🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️
I think the evil cycle doesn't end until it's over. That's the goal. It's a lot of anger, frustration to deal w/. i believe they don't want us, but want us too at the same time, but the anxiety drags both all over the place. until one gives up.
@@MrNikkyJSL Oh every word!
@@MrNikkyJSL facts.
@@MrNikkyJSLthat's fa not da
I think avoidants have a small group of trusted friends they value their opinion and some of the actions are rooted in uncertaintiy of the group accepting the person they're dating. The DA's never really there all along, just for some highlights and magic moment but not the long walk...it's like someone watching the NBA playoff and pressing phone all through the game.
That’s a GREAT analogy
@@IamCoachCourt great work you're doing here.
Your close friends are always a bit of a giveaway that say a lot about you as a person and verify your attachment style. So take note of a DA's trusted friendship circle and you'll likely notice that they all are either single or in an unhealthy relationship. It's the same for the anxious attached too.
@@roberttruman8444 The DA's friend group usually have a very negative view of any relationship that isn't a friendship. They are extremely judgemental and basically when we date a DA we are in some way also dating their mean friends because the DA does not have the mental capacity to date someone by themselves so it's kinda like dating a whole congress of people.
@@nugget6635 my DA partner seems to only have friends that are just as dismissive or non emotional about things. I am highly sensitive and an anxious type so its pretty jarring to be in a group call with my partner and his friends online while playing multiplayer games n stuff. One time I asked one of the friends "how are you doing?" when they joined the call because I do genuinely care for my partners friends too and he was almost taken aback like no one has ever asked him that before. And he just responded with fine I guess.
I went six months without hearing from him after dating for a year and a half , I reached out and said happy birthday he responded and we got back together , now we are still back together and it's been a year and a half since then so it's three years total not counting that six months of no contact
If it's meant to be 🥰
Be careful mine left every 2 years always from january to april. Just left the 3rd time in March! Im done! 1st 2 months 2nd time 6 months so it will be what 9 months yeah no!
Just make sure you're asserting yourself and be aware of any compromises you make in order to make them happy and keep them around. Don't lose yourself just to keep the relationship going.
Update ? It would be really helpful! ❤
I was with mine for 4 years, then they started acting like a different person…
Coach, I appreciate your direct style. I think that sometimes, for those who find it difficult to move on after the normal timeframe, is because they were in fact dealing, not with an avoidant, but a narcissist. Oftentimes, this "avoidant", disguised as a narcissist, will breadcrumb their ex, who is likely an anxious attached with low self-esteem and or co-dependant. There isn't direct contact, but they will post on social media containing information that only their ex will understand, the hidden message contained within it, for example. This sounds crazy, but, It's true, and can drive someone to feel crazy. Anyway, thanks again.
There are definitely times where that’s the case
I don’t understand
I've had this happen twice.. Different guys 1 narc & 1DA....they'll pick a song with a similar scenario to your relationship, a phrase that will be of personal significance, a suggestive message ect... All to trigger some type of response/ emotion...it could be good or bad..I've seen it more than once..I've done it, but not in such a manipulative way.
@@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaim DAs and Narcs are totally different people who just share a couple of the more identifiable traits. They have a lot of trouble articulating their emotions which isn't surprising, and recognise and appreciate certain songs that describe the feelings or situations in the same way that we all could when we were growing up.
I unfortunately didn’t understand and I feel this was something important
DAs sometimes say things in the heat of the moment that they don’t mean. Feelings change over time and they do miss you. Give it time.
I agree with this!! They can be impulsive and feelings can go back-and-forth with them is what I’ve noticed with mine especially… I’m forcing myself to move on because this is probably the saddest I’ve been cause I loved his ass😭🤎 buuut we know we both have ourselves to work on so:/
but missing doesn't mean they want to get back together.. :/
@@BabyFaceRose same with me.. got regrets but still gotta move on
@@BabyFaceRose u & me both!!
I found this to be true. Took my DA once 9 months and another time 8 months to respond and warm back up.
This resonates with me so much right now. My ex is an Avoidant and finialy opened up, a few weeks later she decided to leave out of the blue. Her friends have contacted me several times about everything because to all of us it made no sence, they found out she cheated and told me yesterday. Somtimes you need to really walk away and not see things through roast coloured glasses. The only problem I have now, is that I still care for them.
That means she checked out a while ago. Don’t take her back and find someone else more physically and emotionally attractive. Put in the work to make you’re self better in every way as a man to never put yourself in that position ever again
She cheated on you.....
Did she care about you when she was cheating.
Come on! You know not to look through rose colored glasses.
"actions speak louder than words"
Just discovered my DAs infidelity. Her planning, executing, and concluding her breakup (monkeybranching, ghosting, blocking, no contact used to swap old and new partners) was so ingenious. If only she applied herself to anything else the same way...
Cheating is typically used as a distancing technique or flat out self-sabotage to stop the relationship becoming too committed at the expense of their independence and autonomy. Love is a fairly modern manmade concept, whereas fear is primal emotion. The DA is typically motivated in their distancing strategies by their fears and anxieties which dominate over their feelings of love and care for their partner. Although they don't particularly care for a partner's ego.
I feel this, bro. You're not alone.
Three months ago I began casually dating a woman I knew as an acquaintance 37 years ago. Since then we had become friends on social media. Recently we met at an event and agreed to get together for dinner. We really clicked and started dating. The relationship was very physical from the get go. Everything seem to be going great until one night when she was at my place, I said something to her that she thought meant I wanted to move forward in the relationship. I told her that she misunderstood what I said, but it didn't matter. The next day she pulled away hard. She said she was confused and needed space. About a week later she said she wanted to get together and talk but she kicked that can down the road for three more weeks. I backed off and gave her space the whole time. Finally she called and said she wanted to get together and talk. So I picked her up and we went to get a bite to eat. She rattled off a few things that I had said that bothered her. One thing was that she said I talked about my ex a lot. I told her I didn't realize that, but she talked about her ex a lot also. On the way home in the car I said "Well, what do you want to do?" and she said "Do you want to start over? We can start over." And I said sure. She grabbed my hand, kissed it and held it all the way home...Since then, she won't take or return my calls and will only respond to my texts. She will rarely initiate contact. But her texts responses are very flirtatious, saying "Can't wait to get together" and "talk soon", calling me baby, honey and sweetheart with lots of hearts and kisses emojis. But these things never happen because she won't commit to meeting up. It's the most extreme breadcrumbing you could imagine. It wasn't until about a week ago that I started finding out about avoidant attachment styles...Now it's all starting to make sense. This experience has been so shocking, painful and confusing but at least now I know it's not all my fault.
She is nuts, run don't waist ur time, breakups are hard.
@@user-br4du9jw2t Long gone. Looking back I think she was a Narcissist.
Glad you found out soon. It took me 8 years. Divorcing now...
Reply of the reply; Found out after 8 years, at least u know.@@AmorCreaseLabourLawConsu-sm8wv
Was dating a man who put me exactly through this. I’m a very communicative woman. Esp working in tech, I like answers. This unexpected silent treatment is crazy. Hits you out of no where & esp after a disagreement.
My experience is that the only difference between an Avoidant and a Narcissist - and I have plenty of hands on experience as it seems these are the only creatures I attract - is that the Narc has other situationships going on simultaneously while with you. Tried/lied my best to find some major saving grace (reason to be with the Avoidant), but there aren't any. Crumbs are just that.
A narc doesnt have empathy so they dont know. These types claim they have it so they do it on purpose, way worse.
@@Ytdeletesallmycomments neither really do truthfully. Reason being is how can an avoidant have empathy for you when they avoid their own emotional stuff. It’s not in them
True
They never move on in their minds but not usually into a healthy long lasting relationship bc they’re incapable of connecting on an emotional level and it’s this push pull affect that no one is capable of withstanding neither themselves. They need to distance themselves when they’re having feelings bc they cannot go any further bc they’re afraid of being cut off themselves so they pull out of it. It’s a real mind game and is very toxic.
Omg I went through this for 12 years!!!
It's so heartbreaking and makes you feel unlovable and emotionally messed up
My DA broke up with me last week. Dated for 10 months. He gave me mix signals at the very beginning. I hope you're right when you say "they never move on in their minds". I believe he loved me, even if it was just betw 1-5%, that's still love! I also believe that when the symptoms are low, they come back to themselves w/ clarity eventually, then that's when they realize and may regret. So very sad.
In order to move on you have to introspect and connect with your emotions somehow. Unfortunately for the DA they have a habit of sweeping their last relationship under the emotional rug and carry on with their life without taking the opportunity to grow and develop further. The conclusions they draw are often very simple and misinformed, contributing to some unhealthy core beliefs.
There are certain chemicals which on their own aren't too bad, but when combined become toxic. It's largely the same with attachment styles. To be honest (speaking as a former AP) the APs are just as bad and maybe worse than DA. The DA doesn't expect anything from their partner, whereas the AP has a bunch of expectations. The AP has the power but likes to give it away. However they still have the power to walk away at any time, but they don't. The saving grace however is that thanks to their hypersensitivity they are better able to see when something's wrong, and they're open to resolution. Unless the resolution is walking away. It's the emotional equivalent of a daddy-longlegs which has been given the most powerful venom of the insect kingdom but has nothing to inject it with.
The timing of this couldn’t be more perfect! 🙏🏼
🙏🏾
Absolutely!
Who would even want someone like that in your life ? 😂
they bluff in the beginning, you have no way of knowing
@@rainbowtrout75 yes that is the catch. It’s to pay attention to their lifestyle and past and comments they make about love or needing independence that I find help.
I dated someone for 3 weeks and he’s ended it to heal, go to therapy and try to tackle his DA. I hope I wasn’t a rebound, I don’t know. But I’m proud of him taking the steps to heal. I hope he comes back to me. None of the things in this video apply to my situation with him which makes me hopeful too
Oh my DA stated the same. Now he is in a different state. Lol😅. It’s a lie they tell you what you need to hear so they can come back when they want. Be careful
How they connect is very different. My bf ghosted me after our second date. We had an amazing time and I got completely lost. 3y later we reconnected, after 9 months together he opened up about his fears and how triggered he felt with the intimacy of our date and his feelings for me. We’ve been dating for a year now.
It’s not easy, I’m very anxious, I broke up few times because it’s hard to understand his need to be alone. When it happens he’s not even online, he doesn’t go out, he’s closed off at home. Now he’s starting to communicate more and send me at least a message a day. When he allows himself to live, he’s the best and most caring man alive.
If you both connected, he won’t forget you and will get back.
how did things pan out for you a year later
@@grawakendream8980 I’m not even 100% who this is about 😩 irony is I’m in the exact same situation w/ someone else now
Avoidants are done from day one of a relationship.
yep, but theyre the ones that come in all guns blazing!
Mine had a new relationship before he even got fully rid of me sooo I think he’s more than just an avoidant!!
Mine did that, at least emotionally w/ 4-5 other women. My DA was/is very treacherous and covered it up/denied it.
They all do that
Narcs do this:)
I was with this person 9 years. She broke up with me out the blue a year ago and she cut off contact %100 6 months ago by blocking me. I'm doing better but still not over her. Every now and then i randomly break down and cry. I meditate everyday and I've been working out more lately keeping myself busy but I'm still having trouble getting over. I've dated other people and still deep down I'm still in love with her. I don't sit around thinking about her but sometimes I get reminded of her and most of the time I just move passed it but sometimes I get overly emotional. I still miss her as much as I don't want to. I'm dating someone right now and still I can't completely shake her.
you are living proof that the move on feedback doesn't apply a lot of times. we can learn things by hanging in and developing our awareness. so what we do matters less if we're not developing our awareness
imo
May God help you, you’ll be fine no worries. If it’s meant to be for you, she will come back, if not, no problem.
Avoidants do not communicate their feelings and what they need. They gaslight and will tell you they love you and as soon as you tell them you love them, they run and don’t want the relationship.
A DA volunteered an I love you!? Unprompted? I rather doubt it.
I was married for 10years and getting a verbal declaration of love outta me was like pulling teeth... without anaesthesia.
Really don't feel you have a firm grasp on attachment types, or what behaviour patterns you can typically expect. Your more talking about FA
Thats why its important to vette them thoroughly. If i would have known she was a DA i would have stayed far away. Not worth the headache or heartbreak. Hindsights always 20 20.
Thanks for this video! It's been over four years, since he ended things and I haven't been able to move on. I'm a FA, and I've been kinda stuck, hoping things might work out cause there was never any closure from his side. I tried reaching out once but he seemed indifferent and cold and this led me to ghost him instead. But I have apologised and done my part, now I really wish for both of us to find healing.
they are the most infuriating people i have ever met!
You know I think men and women are confused as to who should be the one pursued. Women like to be pursued but not stalked. Men like to be submitted to but not manipulated.
💯
Submit to a distant avoidant…. Lol. Impossible.
Your videos are helping me so much. We blocked eachother off everything, they were DA i am AP. Its a sign for me to move on
Just a confirmation I needed from the Holy spirit.. Thank you.
I’m a Secure leaning Dismissive - and I approve this message. 💯💯💯💯☑️☑️☑️
This video illustrates how much of a total loser I am. Omg. What am I gonna do? Why did I let this happen to meee??? 😭
Give yourself grace. Insecure Attachments can happen to ANYONE….I’ve been in your shoes before multiple times
I feel you. Be kind to yourself and focus on healing. ❤️🩹
Dude my DA broke it off months ago after 8 years and I didn't even know what DA was til recently lol they are hard to read and definitely not common knowledge. Don't feel bad
Don’t be delusional 🥰 such good advice
Thank you 🙏🏾
@@IamCoachCourt ❤️ that one piece of advice stopped me from texting xx
@@IamCoachCourt Sometimes I tell myself lI'm delusional about not moving on. Our break up was just last week. However, I question if it's delusional, or being deceived by the DA's symptoms? Because obviously, they will do everything to keep the DA from loving and being loved too. They are destiny robbers, and I don't believe in bowing to those fears and sexual lust/games or like my DA kept putting a pretty label on as "non-committal".
No one has ever fucked me up so bad
Sure it was just an avoidant?
@@IamCoachCourt she confessed BPD early on, but I didn't even look that up till lateky
@@draztiqmeshaz6226 then that might be the bigger issue
@@IamCoachCourt as with all things, there's a lot more to it that can't be summed up in a facet of personality. But my anxious and her avoidant (both completely unexamined and each taking self as normal) escalated more and more until , well here I am and she's somewhere
@@IamCoachCourt I do appreciate the video. Even if it hurts like I'd always rather the truth, and this rings of it.
It took a week of no contact. We had an amazing conversation 😅but then he went silent again. I’m just going to keep working on me and my goals and enjoying the times we do connect and not have any expectations. And if someone else comes along I’ll let him know 😃I’m practicing abstinence so he already knows it isn’t gonna be physical unless he’s serious for a while
does that include any romantic contact
I'm a healing avoidant and I also predominantly date avoidants. I've been on both sides. I think the shocker comes in when I'm just out...indefinitely. The things I let "roll off my shoulders" actually gets compartmentalized in my head and chances are, I've already broken up with you 15 times already. I'm ready to go. I will bow out gracefully, heartbroken and all. It definitely surprises men because I'm considered "so nice and understanding" but don't play with me. I pick up on everything and there will be no fighting. I'll just be gone.
My avoidant broke up with me and then a month later they got into a relationship and know they are doing all the right thing like communicating and setting boundaries and talking about how the both have flaws and all but when i pointed that that they did nothing in the relationship and apparently it was all my fault and not there's i hate avoidants
how do you know all of this about the dynamics of their new relationship?
It is all a scam. In the beginning they are all so nice and open.
With every new one they get worse.
Be glad it is over.
It's like from each of their relationships..they figure out what and how to keep a person longer by pretending not to be an avoident. So they pretend to be nicer and more better than they were with the next person.
Were they ever checked in in a relationship?
Hey about they don't deserve a good loving compassionate patient person. Their loss not mine !! The DA that doesn't know their a DA is a heart breaking cycle. How about WE ARE DONE WITH THEIR BS AND BREADCRUMBS
How can they be done when they are part of the issue of and unable to communicate. I'm not the mind reader and when we both went to a therapist, the therapist said what he was asking you sounds like an excuse which why he doesn't want to commit. So no he always keep coming back there has to be compromises made in a relationship from the both party.
I didn’t wait even a week. I told him I have to honor my needs while respecting his needs but I need to walk away because I love myself.
Did the exact same. Did he ever contact you again?
Why would someone be checking for someone who is avoidant is first place😩
LOL nobody checking for us, unfortunately we out here. Every attachment has its issues & it's not like attachment style is the whole person.
Wait… 3-6 months for every year you’ve been together? That would be like 3-6 years for me since I was in a relationship with my significant other for 13 years :’(
Depends on what you do to heal! This is a good start
Sending you so many hugs 🥺😭I can’t imagine. I’m still crying over my 4yr relationship my DA’s been fighting to cut things off for a year 1/2 because our intimacy & vulnerability got to strong. I sent him a text 4 months ago & no response 🥺😔I refuse to chase him! But I can’t help to be devastated over this. I can’t imagine your 13 yrs 😢 are you working on yourself? I haven’t done much work. I broke ny leg a month ago so I’ve been extra sad at home bored 😑
@@Princess-ef2ux I am about to have an NPA, because I have really hard time understanding hidden messages and subtle hints and communicating in general. So I really don't understand this whole concept with "working on myself". I am exercising and have dropped 50 lbs so far, I am seeing a therapist and I just got news of that I will be getting back into furthering my education this coming fall. Other than that, it's a struggle every day. But I keep taking it one day at a time.
We were together for 2 months 😢 we've been in NC for 4 months. What's next? I want to move on, I am trying so hard but I still can't let go.
If they are flaunting the next one, they are frontin with themselves
Did a month of no contact to clear my head. He reached out but no resolution. Finally i ended things since he has no plans of changing. Now he's ignoring me and is angry as if it's my fault
I hope most people here (that still struggle with emotional.pain after dealing with this people) are seeing a therapist. Because there is need for working on yourselves. Dealing with this situation will repeat if you dont take care of the thing that makes you attach to this kind of people.
How can I tell? When I walk away and drop them in response to their first pull away. No tolerance for these people.
Whether someone is a DA or not I’m sick of these coaches acting like it’s a one size fits all. Everyone is different, I’ve had exes try to come back randomly after 6 months and some after a years, all of which in my opinion were DA’s. Don’t put so much thought into it. Live your life the right one will come. To say your ex was a DA and showed one of these signs it means it’s over for good is so silly 😂. Things change, people change, feelings change ALL THE TIME.
I was on your side until you used your own personal history as quantitative data to support your irritation
I was with my husband for 9yrs. Lived with him for 7 yrs. We separated 2 yrs ago but got back together after 10 months of being separated. It was awesome n we were taking small steps. After 8 months of reconciliation he ghosted me. I tried reaching out and ask him what happened. He said he didnt know what he wanted for the future. Now we're really not talking for 7 months. My marriage means a lot to me so doing work on myself n being patient. I walk with God daily for motivation purposes 🙏
Thank you Coach Court.Not to many people believe in their Vows but I have faith in God so I'm a trying to stay Strong daily. 💪🙏🙏
@@teresalopez5683 May God lead you in the direction that will put you at ease 🙏🏾
I wish you the best of luck
That's for your moral support.Never give up on our marriages. Stay Strong n blessed daily 🙏🙏❤️
Update?
4:24 I almost yelled outloud WHHHYYYY!!???!! Why would I just wake up in the morning and think, "You know what sounds fun? Sending a YT link to my Partner just to nag them!" NOOO! No, DA's we're begging you to wake up before it's too late, deal with the hard stuff NOW so we can move on to the fun stuff! AHHHHHH! 🤯 Coach Court, you are brave Sir I couldn't do it. I'm an FA, no I was an FA until I fell for a DA after years with a DA I'm an AA.
What if they are hiding the new relationship from you? Almost like they dont want you to move on??
This is what I’m worried about.
I want to reach out at the 3 month mark but even my therapist says not to do it to respect his mental health. I know now what I did wrong and obviously my avoidant ex held back until it bubbled over to a blindsided break up. We were compatible on impossible levels, I don't want to let go...
I would go with your therapist advice
@@IamCoachCourt stay in NC indefinitely?
@@olivia7977 yes. She knows you much better than I
@@IamCoachCourt That's true. I appreciate your response ❤️🩹
@@olivia7977 of course Olivia, hope you’re subscribed!
I disagree to a point. I find an avoidant will take at least 6 months to reach out. They need to have rebounds, ONS, and once a few of them have not worked out, they will test the waters with you. If you are really worried and really want them back, don't fear, just give it time, it only takes 6 to 12 months for any of their relationships to fail. If you meant something, you will always be an option. You're always the phantom ex.
I can agree that my ex will come back sooner rather than later since she already has demonstrably proven to me and others than she can only keep a friendship/relationship for 6 months at best until it falls apart. Hell, the "relationship" with the guy she cheated on me with, while at the same time telling me that she has chosen me over him once i found out, only lasted 2 months and she immediately came back. I've pointed these things out to her and that so far i've been the longest friend/boyfriend she's ever had, however she doesn't seem to understand or is incapable of holding herself accountable.
I'll have to ask one thing though even though i love her to death: Why even keep yourself open to being an option for your DA once they realize that you mean something to them when they've never been an option for you? No matter how much you love your DA, at some point you should show some more self-love and make it clear that you're not okay with simply being an option and move on.
@@TheFinrodInglorion well it's been 6 months. I reached out at 5 months. She was cold as ice. Absolutely no intention of getting back.
@@droflivelife I'm sorry to hear that. I'll just tell you what my best friend constantly tells me to cheer me up: You will find someone at the most unexpected time that will be grateful for the way you are.
I personally haven't lost all hope yet, however i'm uncertain if i'd even want her back at this point. She might be all talk again when she crawls back, maybe not. Time will tell. Or maybe i will find someone more deserving of my time.
Best of luck to you, brother. You got this.
This make me really sad. We were gonna get married. 💔😔
Sorry to hear that Javier 😞
@@IamCoachCourt she has never, ever reached out to me after a break up. 4 years of being with her (DA) and she never ever chose me. I always was the one to initiate contact. But then made me feel like I was the one that was needy?
Can you do a video on how the DA really are just projecting and it’s ok to feel anxious when someone literally shuts down on you. Like every thing was on her terms. I’ve she didn’t want to talk we didn’t talk, if she didn’t want to see eachother we didn’t. If she needed space then I was shut out. DAs are so fucked… becuase there is NO give with them. It’s the take that keeps on taking
I'm a DA female. Respect is held in higher regards than love. I keep a mental list of possible signs of betrayal. I'll tell my partner "This happened & I felt uncomfortable". If the list continues to grows, my self-respect & respect for him dwindles. To regain my self respect, I end the relationship. Why is it so easy? I checked out a year before the breakup.
This!
Agreed. I call it my file cabinet. Every single thing done that bothers me gets stored in that cabinet and once that cabinet starts overflowing, it only takes one tiny thing to shut my feeling off and be done...forever.
Then why stay? That's weird
@@dougrpaget what's weird about it? Most women mentally check out before they actually make the break. That's after giving chance after chance.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes it's actually mean to string someone along for a year. When you check out just leave. Being in a relationship and dragging someone down with the resentment that you secretly hold for them as you do them a "favour " giving them disingenuous "chance after chance" only to end it anyways while continuing to be checked out is cruel, lacking any empathy or compassion
90 days isn't long enough, especially if you are a woman and the avoidant is a man. Maybe if you are the man and the avoidant is a woman, 90 days means she's done probably.
I came to conclusion that my ex was a DA and I’m AA Ruin my mental health i never been insecure to a relationship before and anxious . I thought i just being crazy. He dumped me because i was too codependent, can’t give what i want. Telling me I’m too good for him he doesn’t deserve me. But thing he left me for 28weeks pregnant and told me like relationship was whirlwind and way too fast. He just can’t handle the pressure of the relationship when i ask for communication he just ignoring it stonewalling. He came back and i feel so anxious again hot & cold
I can't believe... he left a pregnant woman 🥺
@@monicamonica5924 I can't believe he knowingly impregnated her.
@@monicamonica5924 its unforgivable in my opinion but thats just me. Also I'm an anxious person with someone who is DA and I used to be called clingy and that "I overthink" stuff, but really, while on one end of the spectrum there is codependency, on the other end of the spectrum there is being too closed off and not being interdependent. I am noticing from my research and personal experience that if a DA partner was just a little bit more open in the first place than AP's (or even secure people!) wouldn't have to get so anxious to begin with. It works the other way around too where yes, AP's make DA's close off more but I would say that at least an AP is in touch with their emotions and can talk things out. DA's mean you just have to walk on eggshells all the time and its impossible if the DA doesn't want to improve or acknowledge anything. Relationships are a two way street
Help me too...
I truly hope you and your child are doing well ❤
DA’s have a very hard time moving on IF they had a deep emotional connection and attachment with you. That is uncommon for them and they don’t take commitment lightly. It takes several months for them to face their feelings, but if you had a strong foundation with them, there is a good chance they will come back- however you will need to initiate contact.
Nearly 7 months and I know he won't contact yet I know he misses me but this time I'm determined to not reach out
@@asher6047 why won't you reach out
That’s exactly how I feel about my DA. After the breakup she came back, as friends. I disagreed with being only friends, and took a month of no contact. I looked for her as asked to be friends.
Since then we have been in contact daily, she’s not giving in to a relationship, but I feel that each time she needs me more. I hope she can open up to another opportunity.
Mine dumped me after 6 years via text. I was disgusted and didn’t even respond. A week later she was having second thoughts. They are very damaged people.
I told mine fu and he had a breakdown. I was upset with him ghosting me mid conversation and informed him gently. I was honestly worried about his safety and he snapped. 😢😊 confusing
He wrote HB in my timeline 2mos ago... before that a like in my post 3 mos before...saw him at a Legion luncheon...& Decisively ignored him. ..still friends on Facebook but decided NOT to write on his timeline (his birthday today)... feels good we live in a small town I refuse to avoid people places etc...because of him.... I'm no WUSS
It's been a year....👍
I have contacted my avoidant ex after 2.5 months of no contact. He was happy to hear from me (we had a rather nice breakup, no hard feelings), but he said that for now he is good by himself & looking for a non-serious relationship only. Not my cup of tea... When we were together he wanted a serious one...I am confused, how a guy sweeps from one another in such short period of time... It's time to really move on for me.
Out of fear. DA have childhood trauma
Fear of being alone is a strong influencer for both the anxious and avoidant partners, which might explain your ex claiming to want a serious relationship. 3 months of no contact has let them realise that being single and alone isn't as scary as previously thought. Casual feels a lot safer for them. If they came back and committed you can pretty much be sure that you'll be submissive and making more of the compromises throughout. Meanwhile you'll have to accept them going out to see friends a lot of the time and making less and less time for you, sometimes not coming back home at all some nights and offering little in the way of explanation. So you'll constantly be wondering if they love you and if they're seeing anyone else, which sometimes they might be.
Now do you think you've lost something special or had a close escape?
Not what I wanted to hear…thanks Court 👍
Have to be honest brother!
Well, my female DA blocked me on everything again, however she keeps tabs on me from her 2nd account. Like, what the hell? I thought we're done for good.
I think the most hardest thing was he ghosted, no closure.. but they'd ignore you, yet they put it so u can't message them yet not block.. I learnt from him a lesson, did he make me happy. After that I started to move past that.
My problem was that he was communicating what they didnt like in the relationship.. which was me having an issue every time we saw eachother.. the issue tho, usually was something he took the wrong way, then he would shut me down for trying to explain myself.. nearly every time.. yet to him, i always always have a problem..
December 2023, he broke up with me and returned the engagement ring he never used to pop the question. I instantly shut down bc of the mixed signals. He cried in regret saying sorry but there was something off about his sorry. I tried no contact for three months. He would reach out here and there and i would respond with short responses. In that third month i did start responding with warmer responses. Month four he met a total stranger on a cruise. Six months after (3months after increase of communication) he’s posting up pictures of him and his new rebound. I realized I wasn’t convinced over his sorry bc it wasn’t accountability. He just wanted to stop feeling pain and would have said anything but take accountability. I am crushed.
I’m secure now that I left a da we have kids I want nothing to do with him because of the toxic being that he is.
Yay, they should never come back to do more damage.
You have saved my life.
Anyone on here have experience with a widow who shows DA traits?
Double trouble.
In truth, no contact has worked for me most of the time, but it takes months or even a year or two. Never keep their place on hold though.
Hello Dear, how long does it take for an avoidant to commit ??
my ex DA, no emotional inteligence! drama creator netflix Addict! Will no longer be allowed to shorten my life
Man! I was dating an avoidant for a couple months. We started talking around this past Christmas. We just recently stopped talking. Red flags all around! My friends warned me about her and her ways. We only communicated on Snapchat ever since we started talking and dating! Never bought up giving out our numbers or any other social media accounts. Everyone was like why!?
So if they communicated their issues prior to the breakup they won’t be open to reconciling?
Exactly... and they have some other sucker to fill their poor poor fearful needs
Thank you Coach Court! Amazing channel. Appreciate you...
are you a cocaine user
My avoidant unblocked me after about 30 days just like I predicted, and I messaged him and asked me to block me again. He disappeared :-) LMAO
Maybe it is good if the avoidant has moved on. We can at least have clarity now and move on ourselves.
When I reverse engineered I think the nail in the coffin was my talk of wanting to make a fuss for her birthday on Dec 22. She had said "I don't do xmas and don't do birthdays" Two days before her energy changed, there had been a convo on the couch where I said to her "did you not want to know what my plans were gonna be for your birthday". She rolled her eyes and said "I don't need to know"..I didn't piece it together at the time..she was trying to communicate don't be making plans..don't be getting to comfy.
Maybe because I was just mr right now or she felt pressure, and a possible obligation to reciprocate at xmas. She did have 3 of her own kids to buy for at xmas. Was only after getting a frosty unavailable text reply a couple days later..then after I gave some her space... "sorry don't think we're compatible" text from her
You didn't respect her independence. She clearly told you she didn't want a fuss, but you wanted to make a fuss so you did what you wanted and tried to railroad over her wishes.
What if they got into a rebound relationship and you break no contact and they wanna stay as friends?
Hurts to hear. But she did move in with a new guy within 5 months of us breaking up. She's an avoidant, I think she's afraid of commitment
I was done with the in and out so I unfollowed him on everything and then he BLOCKED me on everything, Why would he do this?? 😂😂😂😂 I don't understand
Im guilty of 3rd didnt take cues. Said sorry alot he came last time after 8 months now im blocked. Do you think there is any chance coach?
My DA has this evil split personality after each time we spend a night together. He broke up over and over before I left out the door. Disgusting. I hate the disorder, but I really love his true person.
Hey coach.. I have a question.. if my DA ex said she thinks our relationship was toxic and held alot of things I did unintentionally to trigger her against me.. until she finally decided to break up.. is that a sign that the relationship is done forever?
As a female with DA attachment that would be a yes it's over from me, assuming she is actually DA. DA are often are not good with conflict tend to avoid it especially if it's emotional rather than say work conflict, so if they come out and break it off like that (not even ghosting) I'd say it's done and dusted. But I'm no expert and don't know either of you or the situation, so ...grain of salt and all that
This hurt to think about especially the last one... but I have to hear it. 😢damn
3-6 months for every year… That means about 6 - 11 years for me. 😅 which wouldn’t surprise me because my ex is neurodivergent with ADHD and has been known to build years long emotional walls. Oh who am I kidding? Of course I would wait for her that long. ❤ besides, according to her she took 10 years to break up with me.
This really help. Thank you.
He came back after 10 years. Drove 10 hours to see me. Took me out for lunch. When I wouldn’t kiss him as he kissed me on the forehead and face (because I’m FA and I was trying to move slower and kind of freaking out, though I love him more than anything and wanted to) he ghosted again!😂 What the actual heck😂
I never remarried by choice. Always wanted him. That’s been a tough one though I’ve dated, and tried so hard to move on, but he checks all the boxes (except communication) which is like a fire extinguisher.
If he wasn’t such a quitter it would be different. I’m ready to finally dare to find those checked boxes with someone wonderful and stop sabotaging myself.
Checked boxes equal security
Please help.
He ghosted me after 4+ months of consistent communication (NO fights or friction whatsoever). I was shocked and sent him follow-up texts and a voice note and called him once. He didn't seem phased at all by it and continued to ghost me while also watching all my Whatsapp and Fb stories. It was tormenting me so I had to block him on Fb. It's been almost 1 month of No Contact and I realized that he's now using an old Fb alt account he has. I've never seen him use it before (it has posts from 2021-2022). What does this mean?
I know it’s hard but the fact he ghosted you says enough. You deserve so much better than this. I had to walk away from one myself after 3 months
What I had to focus on to help me was focusing on my needs and the things I want in a relationship but accepted.
“3 to 6 months to heal per year of the relationship…”
It’s going to take me 11 YEARS to get over my ex???
My DA ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago (he blocked me from Instagram only ) I did reached out to him after 5 weeks of nc I send him an apology text he responded and apologized too but he ghosted me again then week later I send him videos about DA and AP personalities he didn't reply as usual , finally I asked him to block me from everywhere he did I'm in pain like he just broke up with me
I’m sorry. That is hard but this person was not for you. They had to leave so something better can come in
You shouldn’t have send any videos like that should have let him be
please coach I need ur advice and guidance I was with a DA I believe for 3 years I never meet his family or only some of his freinds when I mentioned him about commitment he will always say he's not ready he always say that I'm very emotional he broke up with me twice the first time was for 1 month now it's been 6 months we still see each other and speak and he still keeps our display picture up in his WhatsApp of the two of us I told him to delete it if he feels like we are done 100 percent but he won't I'm so lost confused and hurting please can you advice also he tells me he does not see a future with me but still says that there is still alot of love and attraction I'm helpless frustrated and can't move on the intamacy stopped about a year into our relationship from his side and I always felt like coz I was not good enough he blamed it on stress and the pandemic we was together 3 years please advice please help I have been chasing him like crazy and I'm so tierd
This is the exact situation that happened to me. Makes you feel.like something is wrong with you when you are just trying to love them.
Same intimacy stopped a year in; its devastating, makes you feel unattractive 💔
Do you realise that through your actions you've granted him full control over the relationship's future. You literally handed the detonator over to him. By their nature the only control the anxious attached ever has is through being able to walk away and accept not having that person in their lives.
Move onnnnnnnn
Meaning if i spent 8 years on a serious relationship for me to heal 3*8=24 months ! 2 years of healing, lets go , i am at 7 months ! hahahahaha
I had 6 months relationship - i am in the healing for 2 years already. You are healing not only a break up, but the very reason why you ended up with an avoidant…