I’m in an 8 years long distance relationship. It works. It takes soooo much effort, understanding, willingness to grow emotionally and intellectually together. Learning how to convey things healthily is difficult but for the right person it’s worth it.
I kinda disagree on the "don't text important sensitive things because tone doesn't come across in text". One advantage of text format is time. You have time to think about exactly what you're saying, about how this or that word might be interpretated - and sure that can lead to overthinking if you're not careful -, and more importantly if you get the urge to say something mean or hurtful generally by the time you type it out you realise that it's not actually something you want to say.
I agree. Also, my friends generally say I am quite good at conveying my tone/intent over text - of course, I also write fiction, so I know quite a bit about words… and I use emojis when needed. Strangers, on the other hand… turns out, I’ve got that “German bluntness” that can often come of to Americans specifically as rude. Apparently I get that way when it’s a topic I’m very serious about (to me, I’m just trying to be straightforward and clear, but… I have had to apologise for coming off wrong - which I can and will do, it doesn’t make me feel weak, I feel better when we’ve cleared up the misunderstanding.) But, my friends, including American ones, know this about me and it doesn’t seem to be an issue (they also will tell me straight out when I’ve crossed any lines). Anyway, what you said about having the time to think about what you’re saying, to be able to pull back until you’ve calmed down if you need to, is such a big advantage with text. But I get that it’s not the case for some people, and they need to /hear/ your tone. (I actually have issues with phone calls/video chats, because of APD, though, so phonecalls are really hard for me.)
Currently in a long distance relationship from the very beginning and it's been going for 8 years, and sadly due to our universities and work not aligning at the moment, it's still continuing that way. In our case specifically, it actually *helps* to chat instead of to do calls during difficult situations because it gets emotional really easily. So just taking that moment to take a breather and to read again what you just wrote and to see "is that really what I want to say or am I lashing out because I'm hurt?" is actually very helpful. However, I really hope we will get the opportunity to start working and living in the same city soon, maybe for our 10 year anniversary. Fingers crossed!
Same here, did long distance for 3 years with occasional visits and our text relationship always felt healthier to me because I could analyze and consider my words before I sent them.
Great guidelines! I was in a long distance relationship with my now husband for a year and a half and it was rough. We actually dated for 8 months beforehand, so the missing each other part started right off the bat. It was nice to have all those conversations though and it really did create this strong bond between us. I was 17 when we started dating. Funnily enough, after we were married and I was pregnant for my first kid, I got a job in another city one hour and a half away. So we were doing long distance during the week and since we only had one vehicle, he would drive every Friday to pick me up, we would spend the weekend together and he would drop me back off every Sunday. We were crazy!! I hope we never have to do long distance again but I know that we can handle it if we need to. Also, I agree that I found that Will and Elizabeth story super sad and was so happy for the fifth movie just for that resolution!
Long distance shattered my long term relationship. We were both at fault, we didn't set some of these boundaries you mentioned and in the end everything imploded. It took a solid year for me to recover. This is the stuff I wish someone could have helped us with.
Hey Jon, I just want to say thank you for all the excellent information you put out for free on RUclips. Through both Mended Light and Cinema Therapy. About a month and a half ago I started dating a wonderful person that I had been friends with for 6 months prior. However, she’s a year ahead of me in college, and I’ll be staying one extra year for my masters. And I’m dreading those two years where I will have to be long distance. This video helped reassure me that we can have an amazing relationship while separated. Also, since it is my first relationship, I’ve used your other content to make sure I’m being the best partner I can, and hopefully avoid rushing like so many other people do in their first relationships. Thank you so much!
I'm polyamourous and one of my partners travels for work during the week and comes home for weekends. They're pursuing this job long-term and things aren't likely to change (except maybe which days they have off in a week), and we know that's how it will be and are okay with it. My other partner lives with me full time and we work hard to make the time together count on the weekends.
My parents were each divorced when they met. Mom had a full-time job and Dad was in grad school in another state. They were long distance all but the last few months before saying "I do" and had made the effort for 4yrs to drive and meet in the middle of their separate locations to date every weekend unless one was sick and then one drove 8hrs to the other. My mom passed last March after 47yrs of marriage. Dad is ok but I can't imagine how much he was crushed. My parents weren't good parents and I still don't have the best relationship with my dad but I absolutely cannot imagine a couple that was more perfect for each other even if they should have thought the kid thing through a lot more. So. Much. More.
This really hit close to home not gonna lie. I was in a relationship for about a year and a half, with the half being long distance (we met when she came here for university then moved back to the US at the end of the semester), and despite that year together being absolutely amazing it all fell apart after we were apart again. I always chalked it up to long distance relationships just not working out but watching this I'm seeing all the places I went wrong. Biggest one being that in my previous relationships they had ended up not working out because I came on too strong too soon, so I ended up being deathly afraid of moving too fast, which meant I was just too scared to have those sorts of serious conversations for fear of it being too soon, so in my mind things were going great because *eventually* things would get better, but I just never spoke about it.
My husband and I did long distance for 4 months while we were engaged, and now, after only 2 months of marriage, he's off to Korea for job training! It's gonna be hard again, but I'm grateful to have your advice!! Thanks Johnathan!
I'm actually in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, because i'm studying at an university out of city. It's being like this since one and a half years and I have an other one and a half years to do before finaly being together. Because I have school, a job and a big distance between where I live and where he live, it's really difficult to see each other. It's really hard to live like that, but at the end, I keep hope that all of this will make us stronger in the future. We make this choice together, we knew in what we put ourselves on, but the therory is more simpler and easier than the practice.
When my husband and I were dating, we started out dating normally. Then right after we got engaged, we had to be long distance because he went to Florida for work over the summer, then he left for boot camp, and due to Covid, he had to go straight to his first duty station right after boot camp, and I didn't get to see him. And we couldn't be together because we're married yet and he couldn't get a house and couldn't live off base unless we were married. So, being 1,000 miles away from each other, we ended up getting married over Zoom, then he got us a house, I moved in and did a 2 week quarantine, then he was able to move in. It was hard, and weird, for us to not be able to actually live together until we had been married for 2 months. Talk about missing the other person! Deployment is gonna suck!
I currently (like literally this week) just got out of a 2 year LDR. It's really weird, I must say. Because we still love each other and hope to end with each other still (as there's been plans to settle in the same city) and be each other's end game. The long distance really messed with us though. I became way too anxious and controlling. He wasn't all that ready to focus on the relationship either as he needed to work on himself, perhaps as bad as it sounds. We both need to work on ourselves. We hurt each other a lot in our LDR. We aren't looking for anyone else, simply working on ourselves more and waiting for an opportunity to be physically closer, too, maybe. I know a lot of people say "right person, wrong timing" isn't a thing... but is it?? (I would love to see a video on this motto.) Is it crazy for both of us to have this genuine hope to reunite in the future?
3:36 Hey Jonathan Just wanted to say THANK YOU for what you said about texting and stating boundaries via text. As someone who fell out with an online friend who meant the world to me last month because of not picking up on/overstepping boundaries and not picking up on tone because they weren’t explicitly pointed out until it was too late it is important to either a) text very clearly early on what you would like for a set period of time or just want limited communication for awhile and b) have a phone/video call pointing them out. I can confirm and speak with experience that shit can and will go sideways especially if one of the people involved has a habit of missing social ques ie me
Watching this and reading through comments has helped me. I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl I became good friends with on snapchat. We've been talking for about a year now and have done a few virtual movie dates online. I haven't been able to meet her yet but am actually close to making that a reality. Its hard for me because I genuinely really like her and I'm trying my best not to be too overbearing with more intimate/romantic texting. I have expressed myself with more emotes so she knows I'm romantically interested but She has been a little more reserved with sharing her feelings so I don't wanna pressure her into anything esp since we haven't met yet. I really like it tho and we get a long pretty great. We do lots of photo sharing of life and texting. It just sucks her work always has her so exhausted with long hours and physical exertion. she's always so drained that it makes it hard for her to have the energy for me. But from the sounds of things she does prioritize me in giving that extra energy when she can so that's really endearing. We were both without a vehicle and license for so long so heres hoping we can remedy this soon and start furthering the relationship! She's great.
Currently in a long distance relationship, 2 years. We dated a year before that. It was very hard at the beginning, but now i feel a lot more comfortable with myself. We started dating when i was relatively young - 19, and he was 26, so even though we imagined our lives together from the beginning - i felt being not yet ready to start a family. So, i think, everything happened the perfect way: i had time to spend with my friends, thinking about what kind of person i want to become, while he was focused on his career. And thanks to covid, my uni had a lot of online classes, so i was free to visit him every one or two months. In September we move in together again and now we are engaged)
My ex and I were together since high school for two years. After those 2 we were long distance because of complicated circumstances. We were doing it for a little over 2 years. This July she decided to call it quits despite me telling her that I was finally going to be able to move in with her next year of April. That plus the fact that I think she started developing feelings for someone else. Now she’s in another long distance relationship meanwhile I’m still going to be moving back home, but sadly I won’t be with her 😔
We have been married for a rocky 50 years. Since Covid started we have been apart at least 1/2 time. I have a few married friends/family my age who have also semi separated to pursue different interests, lifestyles etc, just as we have. It’s not an easy route, but the downside of divorcing at our age is way harder…children, grandchildren, families, shared business, property and health concerns means we just make the best of it. New partners without a lot of baggage/health issues/ lifestyles are much fewer in number in old age. Would you mind examining the challenges of relationships in very senior years? Thank you for your videos, they are enlightening and entertaining.
My disagreement about the rule against texting. Tone can override content and written text can be a way to get the full point across. Saying everything you want to say and reading everything they are telling you.
@@MendedLight Not necessary for this video, but as an aside, I've found that setting boundaries for people who don't like to respect yours (whether overbearing family/former partners/other) often has to happen over text/email/letters because it's seemingly the only way to send the full nuanced message without being interrupted, argued with, criticized, personally attacked, etc. In those situations, would you still recommend facilitating an in-person conversation over a written one? What are some strategies that people can use to have these in-person conversations with ...difficult... relations?
I have a long distance friendship with someone and we did not efficiently communicate with one another on the "terms of engagement" or how we would stay connected after he moved. That ended up hurting our friendship in the long-run. It sucks. And whenever it is he and I see each other again, I think we're gonna have a lot of "scar-tissue" issues we're gonna have to talk through. How we'll do that, I don't know. But, I care too much about our friendship to just let it go.
I'm in a long distance relationship of three months now. We've only texted and haven't moved to talking on the phone, mostly because we both do shift work so our schedules aren't always in sync, and I'm also moderately deaf so talking on the phone is hard for me. Any advice for serious conversations that would otherwise rely on verbal communication that could be done differently?
I would say, start your relationship the way that you want it to continue; don't set a precedent of mostly aural conversations if that's going to be hard to maintain. A lot of people receive spoken communication the best because it's what they're used to and thus it's what they're most comfortable with, but that's not true for all people. As long as you and your partner are satisfied with the balance and use of spoken versus written communication, it's okay to tailor it to your particular situation. Next time you see your partner in person, you could say "hey, I got some advice that serious conversations are usually best as in-person conversations. Given our particular dynamic, which conversations would you expect/prefer to have in person rather than in writing?" But I would expect that your relationship would rely on written communication in more ways than the "average" relationship does.
I totally second the "spoken communication is what most people are used to, but it's not true for everyone". My best friend and I dated for two years, it was a long distance relationship + at the beginning, I was still doing selective mutism because of anxiety when a talk was becoming too heavy with emotion. I told him if we had to talk seriously, we would need to do it via text messages. He was 100% okay with that, because he has issues with handling conflict, and it was easier for him to express himself and his need via text. It was, and it's still, a very healthy way to communicate for us. I have friends with trauma and issues with expressing themselves who use text messages even if they're living under the same roof. It works really well for them. But all of us were 14-16 when we started playing on RolePlay forums, using skype, etc. so we're really, really used to written communication, and how to set tone, to be clear, to use punctuation wisely, to ask when you're not sure about the intention of the other... On the other hand, every time my mom and her ex, not used at all to written communication (like, they write like they talk and don't know at all how to use proper punctuation in our native language, I don't understand 50% of the text messages my mom send me, let alone her ex, who think "..." is the same thing as a dot) were trying to talk seriously via text messages, they ended up not understanding what the other was saying, and fighting. They finally set a boundary about calling if the talk was starting to get serious. There are no universal rule. They are things that tend to work most of the time, but each relationship is different, and you might end up needing something totally different from the majority!
I liked the video content but it would have been even better (imo) if there were less memes/clips. It was sorta distracting for me. Good vid though, thanks
Hi Jono, I'm also in a long distance relationship, and it hasn't been easy. For context, we live about two hours away from each other. Before we graduated, we were able to see each other during the semester, then visit every once in a while during the breaks. We recently had a vacation with family where we got to spend a lot of time together, and it got us thinking about how we won't be able to spend as much time together, at least in the meantime, since he's got a job close to where he lives, and I'm still looking for a job while also doing some teaching on the side. We've communicated about the anxiety that each of us have about this, and we don't know if there is really a solution to this. Is there anything that can alleviate the stress and anxiety of not being able to see one another while also establishing reasonable boundaries in a long distance relationship?
Jonathan, can we do, or have you done a video about long distance frienships? . . . Some context of my intrest in said topic: My best friend and longest frienship lives -currently- 1000km away from me (we went to school toghether for a year and her mom is a military nurse, they move a lotttt), we see each other personally for aprox 10 days every two years (meaning 4 visits, its been 8 years). Its common to hear people ask why or how in surprise or disbelief, imppliying there is no way, its fake or whatever, that sometimes i wonder if virtual friendships are valid, i wonder if we are the ones that live a fantasy and everybodyelse is seeing something we dont (which is indeed dumb when we reflect on it, bc we communicate quite good and know when stuff is going badly. Or from time to time one of us even goes "i need to let go of my phone or see how is it not to talk to you for a few days" its normal to want space and be worn out when trying to compensate for the lack of shared physical space). We send texts, audio, pictures quite often if not every day, we call and video call every now and then and try to be honest or not to filter anything when communicating. Well, after so many years its second nature, to not fix angles in calls or not cut pictures, if there is a mess behind me she will see, or ill see her angry or sad face in calls or pics, its not all flowers and sparkles and its not invasive either bc we respect our times to respond, how much we share, how we share, and there is a lot of confidence in each other. We decided to keep this in this certain way, we chose to, and we made the effort and adapted bc we love each other (man, i love my friends, really, im sorry if love is a big word, but they are such pillars in my life and i hope to be the same for them) I just cant help but doubt from time to time, bc its a situation NO ONE i know has, its feels unreal bc everyone acts like its weird and there is no other example of succesful distance friendships around me. Maybe we are little happy aliens (? PS: i do love this long term plan thing you mentioned, bc its something i worry about lately, she intends on staying at the city she is in after her mom retires this year, and that allows us to project more statically where we will be in the next few years. Its difficult bc i geographycally would have to choose my family and friends here, or try a new city to see her more often, so we tend to gravitate more towards the idea of travelling togheter, rather than one of us moving to the other ones city, but we will see
I sadly have my first best friend for life Alyssa wolf a long distance relationship I live in Pueblo Colorado and Alyssa lives in hasy Colorado over like 9 hours away then to top it off I got a learning disability and not too many people want to be my friend plus I lack social skills but I am good
I triied to help a friend who is suffering from the lack of communication - non-communication- in a long distance relationship. She was suffering but havent tell anything to her partner. I told her she should say these and talk over because she was suffering alone so much. She "texted" that she is not good in the relationship and never talked again and he also didnt tried to reach her. Now she doesnt even now where they are like are they even break up. I think she blames me because I said she should talk to him about her needs. I feel terrible about this. She is not responding me also and I really want to help her still. I am not pushing her or bothering her just try to check once in a day. I dont think I am guilty but I feel terrible because probably she thinks I betrayed her trust by manupilating her to jeopardize her relationship. I said it was never my intentions but I dont know how to make her believe me. Is there anything I can do besides telling I am there for her every day.
Give her some space to process, it's her relationship and as Jono says it's easy to misunderstand in text. She maybe needs time, and if she does blame you then it's not a healthy friendship, and you can draw boundaries as well with how much of her relationship you take on your shoulders. Friendship is important, you've shown you care about her as a friend, made it clear you have no malicious intentions, so you have done what you can in terms of trying to help. Completely understand your situation, take care.
She chose her own words, and if she chose them poorly because she dragged her resentment of your advice into the message, that's her problem. It sounds like she needs to work on her communication skills, not just with her partner but also with her friends. She's not being clear about where any of you stand with her. But you're also choosing not to ask her whether any of your fears are accurate. In other words, you're suffering but not telling your partner (friend). Maybe you should consider your own advice to her and make your feelings clear. If she doesn't respond, that's on her. But I would also consider that she's possibly grieving a ended relationship and may not have the emotional space for your sense of guilt right now. She may need space. Either way, don't be texting her every day; you're either flooding her with your own unprocessed guilt or throwing your emotions at a non-receptive entity.
I'm not in a long distance relationship but in some ways it kind of is. I'm with a girl and like you and your wife, we are doing the friends for a while. her parents are very against her having a boyfriend and so we haven't told them about us yet and I have never met them. we only hang out at work, we are work mates and talk on the phone secretly. she's 24 and still lives with them. we met in July last year and we pretty much fall for each other immediately. I'm thinking about giving her a little nudge to meet the parents but tbh I'm terrified and so is she. I'm going to invite her out to my 30th birthday celebrations with her friends then, in the new year get her to invite her parents for coffee into my work. it's difficult not being able to meet up or speak to her whenever but we get by. I would like it to progress a bit though till we can sit on the beach as mates.
"Needs that should only be met within this relationship".... no one is perfect. You're never going to find one person to fulfill all your needs, even the ones society says "should" only be filled by your S.O. Sounds unhealthy to say you can't have other relationships be too meaningful and you should have to pull back on those.
I agree that no partner is going to meet all of one's needs. The question is, what needs are reserved for this partnership? For example, I don't seek to have my sexual needs met outside of my marriage.
Is not about how much date a Person have had. About is the Person integer by her or his repräsentieren of his self infront of you. Is you Partner integer vy this? Me never have mett a couple were both parts were it never always one part use the other. Thats my life experiance not my opinion. Is all about money. Or sex Love is a Thing what you must praktizieren. Than one take it if bothe praktizieren than it is super But talk about love. Not praktizierend actin. Real love, is your partner able for love others? Me say no.- its what me See , me can be wrong. But real love is rate, very rare. You like to praktizieren love or you search real love? Just without her. Ok But
I’m in an 8 years long distance relationship. It works. It takes soooo much effort, understanding, willingness to grow emotionally and intellectually together. Learning how to convey things healthily is difficult but for the right person it’s worth it.
I kinda disagree on the "don't text important sensitive things because tone doesn't come across in text". One advantage of text format is time. You have time to think about exactly what you're saying, about how this or that word might be interpretated - and sure that can lead to overthinking if you're not careful -, and more importantly if you get the urge to say something mean or hurtful generally by the time you type it out you realise that it's not actually something you want to say.
I agree. Also, my friends generally say I am quite good at conveying my tone/intent over text - of course, I also write fiction, so I know quite a bit about words… and I use emojis when needed.
Strangers, on the other hand… turns out, I’ve got that “German bluntness” that can often come of to Americans specifically as rude. Apparently I get that way when it’s a topic I’m very serious about (to me, I’m just trying to be straightforward and clear, but… I have had to apologise for coming off wrong - which I can and will do, it doesn’t make me feel weak, I feel better when we’ve cleared up the misunderstanding.)
But, my friends, including American ones, know this about me and it doesn’t seem to be an issue (they also will tell me straight out when I’ve crossed any lines).
Anyway, what you said about having the time to think about what you’re saying, to be able to pull back until you’ve calmed down if you need to, is such a big advantage with text.
But I get that it’s not the case for some people, and they need to /hear/ your tone. (I actually have issues with phone calls/video chats, because of APD, though, so phonecalls are really hard for me.)
Currently in a long distance relationship from the very beginning and it's been going for 8 years, and sadly due to our universities and work not aligning at the moment, it's still continuing that way. In our case specifically, it actually *helps* to chat instead of to do calls during difficult situations because it gets emotional really easily. So just taking that moment to take a breather and to read again what you just wrote and to see "is that really what I want to say or am I lashing out because I'm hurt?" is actually very helpful. However, I really hope we will get the opportunity to start working and living in the same city soon, maybe for our 10 year anniversary. Fingers crossed!
Same here, did long distance for 3 years with occasional visits and our text relationship always felt healthier to me because I could analyze and consider my words before I sent them.
Great guidelines! I was in a long distance relationship with my now husband for a year and a half and it was rough. We actually dated for 8 months beforehand, so the missing each other part started right off the bat. It was nice to have all those conversations though and it really did create this strong bond between us. I was 17 when we started dating. Funnily enough, after we were married and I was pregnant for my first kid, I got a job in another city one hour and a half away. So we were doing long distance during the week and since we only had one vehicle, he would drive every Friday to pick me up, we would spend the weekend together and he would drop me back off every Sunday. We were crazy!! I hope we never have to do long distance again but I know that we can handle it if we need to. Also, I agree that I found that Will and Elizabeth story super sad and was so happy for the fifth movie just for that resolution!
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Long distance shattered my long term relationship. We were both at fault, we didn't set some of these boundaries you mentioned and in the end everything imploded. It took a solid year for me to recover. This is the stuff I wish someone could have helped us with.
I'm sorry we didn't make this sooner!
Hey Jon, I just want to say thank you for all the excellent information you put out for free on RUclips. Through both Mended Light and Cinema Therapy. About a month and a half ago I started dating a wonderful person that I had been friends with for 6 months prior. However, she’s a year ahead of me in college, and I’ll be staying one extra year for my masters. And I’m dreading those two years where I will have to be long distance. This video helped reassure me that we can have an amazing relationship while separated. Also, since it is my first relationship, I’ve used your other content to make sure I’m being the best partner I can, and hopefully avoid rushing like so many other people do in their first relationships. Thank you so much!
I'm polyamourous and one of my partners travels for work during the week and comes home for weekends. They're pursuing this job long-term and things aren't likely to change (except maybe which days they have off in a week), and we know that's how it will be and are okay with it. My other partner lives with me full time and we work hard to make the time together count on the weekends.
My parents were each divorced when they met. Mom had a full-time job and Dad was in grad school in another state. They were long distance all but the last few months before saying "I do" and had made the effort for 4yrs to drive and meet in the middle of their separate locations to date every weekend unless one was sick and then one drove 8hrs to the other. My mom passed last March after 47yrs of marriage. Dad is ok but I can't imagine how much he was crushed. My parents weren't good parents and I still don't have the best relationship with my dad but I absolutely cannot imagine a couple that was more perfect for each other even if they should have thought the kid thing through a lot more. So. Much. More.
This really hit close to home not gonna lie. I was in a relationship for about a year and a half, with the half being long distance (we met when she came here for university then moved back to the US at the end of the semester), and despite that year together being absolutely amazing it all fell apart after we were apart again.
I always chalked it up to long distance relationships just not working out but watching this I'm seeing all the places I went wrong. Biggest one being that in my previous relationships they had ended up not working out because I came on too strong too soon, so I ended up being deathly afraid of moving too fast, which meant I was just too scared to have those sorts of serious conversations for fear of it being too soon, so in my mind things were going great because *eventually* things would get better, but I just never spoke about it.
My husband and I did long distance for 4 months while we were engaged, and now, after only 2 months of marriage, he's off to Korea for job training! It's gonna be hard again, but I'm grateful to have your advice!! Thanks Johnathan!
From a fellow long-distance wife, you've got this!!!
I'm actually in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, because i'm studying at an university out of city. It's being like this since one and a half years and I have an other one and a half years to do before finaly being together. Because I have school, a job and a big distance between where I live and where he live, it's really difficult to see each other. It's really hard to live like that, but at the end, I keep hope that all of this will make us stronger in the future. We make this choice together, we knew in what we put ourselves on, but the therory is more simpler and easier than the practice.
I'm long distance for 4 years, get on my level Bro
Respect.
Married now but stayed in a long distance for almost 7 years..
When my husband and I were dating, we started out dating normally. Then right after we got engaged, we had to be long distance because he went to Florida for work over the summer, then he left for boot camp, and due to Covid, he had to go straight to his first duty station right after boot camp, and I didn't get to see him. And we couldn't be together because we're married yet and he couldn't get a house and couldn't live off base unless we were married. So, being 1,000 miles away from each other, we ended up getting married over Zoom, then he got us a house, I moved in and did a 2 week quarantine, then he was able to move in. It was hard, and weird, for us to not be able to actually live together until we had been married for 2 months. Talk about missing the other person!
Deployment is gonna suck!
I currently (like literally this week) just got out of a 2 year LDR. It's really weird, I must say. Because we still love each other and hope to end with each other still (as there's been plans to settle in the same city) and be each other's end game. The long distance really messed with us though. I became way too anxious and controlling. He wasn't all that ready to focus on the relationship either as he needed to work on himself, perhaps as bad as it sounds. We both need to work on ourselves. We hurt each other a lot in our LDR. We aren't looking for anyone else, simply working on ourselves more and waiting for an opportunity to be physically closer, too, maybe. I know a lot of people say "right person, wrong timing" isn't a thing... but is it?? (I would love to see a video on this motto.) Is it crazy for both of us to have this genuine hope to reunite in the future?
3:36 Hey Jonathan
Just wanted to say THANK YOU for what you said about texting and stating boundaries via text. As someone who fell out with an online friend who meant the world to me last month because of not picking up on/overstepping boundaries and not picking up on tone because they weren’t explicitly pointed out until it was too late it is important to either a) text very clearly early on what you would like for a set period of time or just want limited communication for awhile and b) have a phone/video call pointing them out. I can confirm and speak with experience that shit can and will go sideways especially if one of the people involved has a habit of missing social ques ie me
Watching this and reading through comments has helped me. I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl I became good friends with on snapchat. We've been talking for about a year now and have done a few virtual movie dates online. I haven't been able to meet her yet but am actually close to making that a reality. Its hard for me because I genuinely really like her and I'm trying my best not to be too overbearing with more intimate/romantic texting. I have expressed myself with more emotes so she knows I'm romantically interested but She has been a little more reserved with sharing her feelings so I don't wanna pressure her into anything esp since we haven't met yet. I really like it tho and we get a long pretty great. We do lots of photo sharing of life and texting. It just sucks her work always has her so exhausted with long hours and physical exertion. she's always so drained that it makes it hard for her to have the energy for me. But from the sounds of things she does prioritize me in giving that extra energy when she can so that's really endearing. We were both without a vehicle and license for so long so heres hoping we can remedy this soon and start furthering the relationship! She's great.
Currently in a long distance relationship, 2 years. We dated a year before that. It was very hard at the beginning, but now i feel a lot more comfortable with myself. We started dating when i was relatively young - 19, and he was 26, so even though we imagined our lives together from the beginning - i felt being not yet ready to start a family. So, i think, everything happened the perfect way: i had time to spend with my friends, thinking about what kind of person i want to become, while he was focused on his career. And thanks to covid, my uni had a lot of online classes, so i was free to visit him every one or two months. In September we move in together again and now we are engaged)
My ex and I were together since high school for two years. After those 2 we were long distance because of complicated circumstances. We were doing it for a little over 2 years. This July she decided to call it quits despite me telling her that I was finally going to be able to move in with her next year of April. That plus the fact that I think she started developing feelings for someone else. Now she’s in another long distance relationship meanwhile I’m still going to be moving back home, but sadly I won’t be with her 😔
We have been married for a rocky 50 years. Since Covid started we have been apart at least 1/2 time. I have a few married friends/family my age who have also semi separated to pursue different interests, lifestyles etc, just as we have. It’s not an easy route, but the downside of divorcing at our age is way harder…children, grandchildren, families, shared business, property and health concerns means we just make the best of it. New partners without a lot of baggage/health issues/ lifestyles are much fewer in number in old age.
Would you mind examining the challenges of relationships in very senior years? Thank you for your videos, they are enlightening and entertaining.
I wish i had someone to guide me about this previously, now i have a bad taste about my relationship that seems to be getting worse every day.
My disagreement about the rule against texting. Tone can override content and written text can be a way to get the full point across. Saying everything you want to say and reading everything they are telling you.
Good point.
@@MendedLight Not necessary for this video, but as an aside, I've found that setting boundaries for people who don't like to respect yours (whether overbearing family/former partners/other) often has to happen over text/email/letters because it's seemingly the only way to send the full nuanced message without being interrupted, argued with, criticized, personally attacked, etc. In those situations, would you still recommend facilitating an in-person conversation over a written one? What are some strategies that people can use to have these in-person conversations with ...difficult... relations?
I have a long distance friendship with someone and we did not efficiently communicate with one another on the "terms of engagement" or how we would stay connected after he moved. That ended up hurting our friendship in the long-run. It sucks. And whenever it is he and I see each other again, I think we're gonna have a lot of "scar-tissue" issues we're gonna have to talk through. How we'll do that, I don't know. But, I care too much about our friendship to just let it go.
Thank You So Much Sir🙏🤍🌼🌻
I needed this
I would love to see a video done on the show You!
I'm in a long distance relationship of three months now. We've only texted and haven't moved to talking on the phone, mostly because we both do shift work so our schedules aren't always in sync, and I'm also moderately deaf so talking on the phone is hard for me. Any advice for serious conversations that would otherwise rely on verbal communication that could be done differently?
I would say, start your relationship the way that you want it to continue; don't set a precedent of mostly aural conversations if that's going to be hard to maintain. A lot of people receive spoken communication the best because it's what they're used to and thus it's what they're most comfortable with, but that's not true for all people. As long as you and your partner are satisfied with the balance and use of spoken versus written communication, it's okay to tailor it to your particular situation. Next time you see your partner in person, you could say "hey, I got some advice that serious conversations are usually best as in-person conversations. Given our particular dynamic, which conversations would you expect/prefer to have in person rather than in writing?" But I would expect that your relationship would rely on written communication in more ways than the "average" relationship does.
I totally second the "spoken communication is what most people are used to, but it's not true for everyone". My best friend and I dated for two years, it was a long distance relationship + at the beginning, I was still doing selective mutism because of anxiety when a talk was becoming too heavy with emotion. I told him if we had to talk seriously, we would need to do it via text messages. He was 100% okay with that, because he has issues with handling conflict, and it was easier for him to express himself and his need via text. It was, and it's still, a very healthy way to communicate for us.
I have friends with trauma and issues with expressing themselves who use text messages even if they're living under the same roof. It works really well for them.
But all of us were 14-16 when we started playing on RolePlay forums, using skype, etc. so we're really, really used to written communication, and how to set tone, to be clear, to use punctuation wisely, to ask when you're not sure about the intention of the other...
On the other hand, every time my mom and her ex, not used at all to written communication (like, they write like they talk and don't know at all how to use proper punctuation in our native language, I don't understand 50% of the text messages my mom send me, let alone her ex, who think "..." is the same thing as a dot) were trying to talk seriously via text messages, they ended up not understanding what the other was saying, and fighting. They finally set a boundary about calling if the talk was starting to get serious.
There are no universal rule. They are things that tend to work most of the time, but each relationship is different, and you might end up needing something totally different from the majority!
Here's a question I'd love to hear your thoughts on - dating again after the end of a long marriage. Advice? :)
Great suggestion! I'll do a video on it.
I liked the video content but it would have been even better (imo) if there were less memes/clips. It was sorta distracting for me. Good vid though, thanks
Hi Jono, I'm also in a long distance relationship, and it hasn't been easy. For context, we live about two hours away from each other. Before we graduated, we were able to see each other during the semester, then visit every once in a while during the breaks. We recently had a vacation with family where we got to spend a lot of time together, and it got us thinking about how we won't be able to spend as much time together, at least in the meantime, since he's got a job close to where he lives, and I'm still looking for a job while also doing some teaching on the side. We've communicated about the anxiety that each of us have about this, and we don't know if there is really a solution to this. Is there anything that can alleviate the stress and anxiety of not being able to see one another while also establishing reasonable boundaries in a long distance relationship?
Jonathan, can we do, or have you done a video about long distance frienships?
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Some context of my intrest in said topic:
My best friend and longest frienship lives -currently- 1000km away from me (we went to school toghether for a year and her mom is a military nurse, they move a lotttt), we see each other personally for aprox 10 days every two years (meaning 4 visits, its been 8 years). Its common to hear people ask why or how in surprise or disbelief, imppliying there is no way, its fake or whatever, that sometimes i wonder if virtual friendships are valid, i wonder if we are the ones that live a fantasy and everybodyelse is seeing something we dont (which is indeed dumb when we reflect on it, bc we communicate quite good and know when stuff is going badly. Or from time to time one of us even goes "i need to let go of my phone or see how is it not to talk to you for a few days" its normal to want space and be worn out when trying to compensate for the lack of shared physical space).
We send texts, audio, pictures quite often if not every day, we call and video call every now and then and try to be honest or not to filter anything when communicating. Well, after so many years its second nature, to not fix angles in calls or not cut pictures, if there is a mess behind me she will see, or ill see her angry or sad face in calls or pics, its not all flowers and sparkles and its not invasive either bc we respect our times to respond, how much we share, how we share, and there is a lot of confidence in each other.
We decided to keep this in this certain way, we chose to, and we made the effort and adapted bc we love each other (man, i love my friends, really, im sorry if love is a big word, but they are such pillars in my life and i hope to be the same for them) I just cant help but doubt from time to time, bc its a situation NO ONE i know has, its feels unreal bc everyone acts like its weird and there is no other example of succesful distance friendships around me. Maybe we are little happy aliens (?
PS: i do love this long term plan thing you mentioned, bc its something i worry about lately, she intends on staying at the city she is in after her mom retires this year, and that allows us to project more statically where we will be in the next few years. Its difficult bc i geographycally would have to choose my family and friends here, or try a new city to see her more often, so we tend to gravitate more towards the idea of travelling togheter, rather than one of us moving to the other ones city, but we will see
thank you so much
This veido is good for me
I sadly have my first best friend for life Alyssa wolf a long distance relationship I live in Pueblo Colorado and Alyssa lives in hasy Colorado over like 9 hours away then to top it off I got a learning disability and not too many people want to be my friend plus I lack social skills but I am good
I triied to help a friend who is suffering from the lack of communication - non-communication- in a long distance relationship. She was suffering but havent tell anything to her partner. I told her she should say these and talk over because she was suffering alone so much. She "texted" that she is not good in the relationship and never talked again and he also didnt tried to reach her. Now she doesnt even now where they are like are they even break up. I think she blames me because I said she should talk to him about her needs. I feel terrible about this. She is not responding me also and I really want to help her still. I am not pushing her or bothering her just try to check once in a day. I dont think I am guilty but I feel terrible because probably she thinks I betrayed her trust by manupilating her to jeopardize her relationship. I said it was never my intentions but I dont know how to make her believe me. Is there anything I can do besides telling I am there for her every day.
Give her some space to process, it's her relationship and as Jono says it's easy to misunderstand in text. She maybe needs time, and if she does blame you then it's not a healthy friendship, and you can draw boundaries as well with how much of her relationship you take on your shoulders. Friendship is important, you've shown you care about her as a friend, made it clear you have no malicious intentions, so you have done what you can in terms of trying to help. Completely understand your situation, take care.
She chose her own words, and if she chose them poorly because she dragged her resentment of your advice into the message, that's her problem. It sounds like she needs to work on her communication skills, not just with her partner but also with her friends. She's not being clear about where any of you stand with her. But you're also choosing not to ask her whether any of your fears are accurate. In other words, you're suffering but not telling your partner (friend). Maybe you should consider your own advice to her and make your feelings clear. If she doesn't respond, that's on her.
But I would also consider that she's possibly grieving a ended relationship and may not have the emotional space for your sense of guilt right now. She may need space. Either way, don't be texting her every day; you're either flooding her with your own unprocessed guilt or throwing your emotions at a non-receptive entity.
Can we get more LDR please
Me and my bf are in one UT and MD
I'm not in a long distance relationship but in some ways it kind of is. I'm with a girl and like you and your wife, we are doing the friends for a while. her parents are very against her having a boyfriend and so we haven't told them about us yet and I have never met them. we only hang out at work, we are work mates and talk on the phone secretly. she's 24 and still lives with them. we met in July last year and we pretty much fall for each other immediately. I'm thinking about giving her a little nudge to meet the parents but tbh I'm terrified and so is she. I'm going to invite her out to my 30th birthday celebrations with her friends then, in the new year get her to invite her parents for coffee into my work. it's difficult not being able to meet up or speak to her whenever but we get by. I would like it to progress a bit though till we can sit on the beach as mates.
Beach-sitting is the best!
@@MendedLight best ever
"Needs that should only be met within this relationship".... no one is perfect. You're never going to find one person to fulfill all your needs, even the ones society says "should" only be filled by your S.O. Sounds unhealthy to say you can't have other relationships be too meaningful and you should have to pull back on those.
I agree that no partner is going to meet all of one's needs. The question is, what needs are reserved for this partnership? For example, I don't seek to have my sexual needs met outside of my marriage.
@@MendedLight that definitely makes good sense.
You only dated for 6 months? So you two didn’t fart around each other until after you got married?
Is not about how much date a Person have had.
About is the Person integer by her or his repräsentieren of his self infront of you.
Is you Partner integer vy this?
Me never have mett a couple were both parts were it never always one part use the other.
Thats my life experiance not my opinion.
Is all about money.
Or sex
Love is a Thing what you must praktizieren.
Than one take it if bothe praktizieren than it is super
But talk about love.
Not praktizierend actin.
Real love, is your partner able for love others?
Me say no.- its what me See , me can be wrong.
But real love is rate, very rare.
You like to praktizieren love or you search real love?
Just without her.
Ok
But
Texting is not a relationship.
What do you mean?