"Why are Gay Men so Toxic?"
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- Опубликовано: 22 июн 2022
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Are you a gay man that’s wondered, “why are gay men so toxic with one another?”
In this video I explore some of the reasons as to why I believe we are so hurtful to one another.
This video is not intended to be homophobic or intended to berate our community, it is to provide a snapshot of the challenges our community faces and how they manifest into toxic behaviour.
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Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored video. All opinions expressed are wholly my own.
It’s always the most toxic ones who want to typecast the whole community as if everyone is like them
like the guy who made this video, you mean?
@@w.urlitzer1869 Indeed. Sounds like a lot of self projecting that would be “phobic” if someone else had said the same.
Actually it's the ones in denial that are the most toxic. I've dated tons of gay men and there is def something very toxic about the culture itself.
@@fresnoniiji No such thing as a “culture” that’s just something perpetuated, extremely stereotypical, and something you know most gay people don’t feel any attachment to. In my city Houston, we can’t even say there’s much of a local bar/neighborhood scene since over half have closed since my party days because gay people literally want to go anywhere else. They’re tired of being called “transphobic” and “toxic” for just being who they naturally are. That culture/community thing is in the mind. I remember when “the gay community” was actually somewhat of a right wing term used in the media back in the early 2000’s. We used to laugh about it. Now this generation is saying it exists but can’t tell us where 👀
@@fresnoniijiProbably because it’s a difficult thing to accept for many. I mean we can’t act like we’re not just ripping people out of their current life paths to Join (and I agree with you) an unorganized/established community.
The people who are in denial are literally experiencing a negative culture shock ! You’re changing their lives in more ways than you know ! That’s a lot for some, so my only assumption is they were forced to accept themselves instead of being allowed to accept themselves. In a way you kinda threaten their way of being 🤷🏻♂️ it would explain the defense mechanism. It’s unfortunate but when you cut yourself off from people (isolation In whatever it looks like in life for you) truly learning to be cruel.
My parents divorced due to rampant cheating by one partner, so it's not a gay thing.
In fact it's a subject not well talked about within the gay community. But. Gay narcissists and psychopaths do exist they are within the community and most gays learned to deal with them by enabling their toxic behaviors. Which makes the smarter gays just flee.
Yes that's true with hetero relationships as well I think divorce is prevalent in westernize countries it comes together with progression people are looking for something better and greener pasteurs.
@@AlithesisKrukonova-hk2ws Yes, and more self-oriented in the west than family oriented.
It's a gay thing
@@AlithesisKrukonova-hk2wsMy question is what relationship in the gay community.
Straight men do the same, now women have also caught up to men and want to be equal and just as toxic....The whole element of relationship is broken and ppl are not to be trusted.
An ugly truth, that no one wants to face.
*_|||"Straight men do the same, now women have also caught up to men"|||_*
Ha! Now, *_that's_* a first.
The bad behaviors of the gay world have bled into the straight. I've watch this happen to my horror over the past decade. I always assumed the opposite would happen but popularity of stereotypical gay culture seems to have done the opposite.
I do not agree as a gay man, We are not all toxic, but all you describe fits straight men too.
Beta male straight men and Gay men are toxic real men are humble and kind
Trauma doesn't care who you are.
These are largely excuses. Do you seriously believe that a gay man who lies, gives out false numbers, knowingly spreads STDs, lies and cheats on his spouse, etc. etc. does not know that what he is doing is wrong? Or that he has not knowingly chosen to do it? The problem here is not mental health, it's spiritual health. As a gay man who has been subjected to all sorts of bad behavior, I think it's time to start holding each other accountable for behaving like rectal orifices. I am pretty sure that ever man that took a dump on me could have made a kinder choice. I certainly have chosen kinder choices, and I am as emotionally damaged as anyone else.
It’s ALL of that. Mental, emotional, and Spiritual. But it also speaks to a larger issue. At the risk of sounding like I’m pointing fingers, this is not just a gay or straight thing. This is a MALE thing. Most men have been conditioned, to operate almost the same way. Add in the attraction to the same sex, and that’s an entirely different can of worms.
@@brentduanefoster Good point, and if I'm not mistaken, from what I hear, many young women are not behaving very well either. Has the sexual revolution made us all a-holes, or is it the loss of religion? Or simply being spoiled westerners that makes us selfish?
@@DanielFernandez-jv7jx Loss of religion? hardly. They're the ones who cause most of the damage. You would know that if you weren't clearly a bible basher.
Thank you! Time out for the excuses. It's time we admit that some of these men are just pure evil.
@@DanielFernandez-jv7jx Yes. Loss of religion and too many apps that are by design, not meant to lead to success.
I’m gay, have a great partner and we both have nothing to do with the “community”. It’s not a community and hasn’t been for a very long time. We stopped going to gay bars, pride…both things have become performative “i’m gay, look at me”. If your sexuality is your whole personality then you are the problem.
I did the same and it has been the healthiest decision I've ever made.
Well said
Many gay men grew up in very disfunctional family. As a adult gay men need to create a healthy relationship with themselves. With no healthy role models, gay men have no role models. Love yourself unconditionally, be your own best friend, companion, and lover. Choose to be happy. Choose to be a positive, constructive, healthy human beings.
Am quite sentimental reading this but I agree with you if you don't know how to love yourself how can you love someone more especially the broken gays.
It's everywhere, in Kenya too..no idea why😢
Very interesting. Thanks.
This "community" wants to have all the privileges of equality with none of the responsibilities. You can't have your cale and eat it too, sis
I just gave up. The community at least among the youth is toxic. Among older gay men it's divided by class, race, and nepotism. Older couples form closed friendships circles among other partnered gay couples or straight couples. If you don't know where to find these circles or don't know them personally your just kinda locked out permanently. When people say it's not community it's the truth. You can try to connect with your local gay communities but there's no guarantee you'll be accepted or find a sense of belonging depending on the circumstances.
There are good people who happen to be gay or lesbian but I'm afraid they are a minority within the demographic. I have a few good friends and I stay out of the bars now. Covid had a lot to do with that. I don't miss going out and do other things instead and it's a much better way to live.
A lot of truth to this. Especially if you go out to the bars/clubs as well as those who are putting themselves "out there" on social media to get attention. However, I do feel there are some very wholesome, good-natured gays who are typically not in the typical spaces we see gay men. They may be living quiet lives and not shoving themselves out into social media and in the bar/club scenes.
What’s “toxic” is how you keep saying we we we, us us us. Your issues are yours, not a “community” problem as that does not exist. Ironically this rhetoric is more divisive than what we heard in the 80’s from bigots.
Oh please lol. Stop trying to make your dating woes a “community” problem as if we’re all your ex boyfriend
You can't change other people, but you can continue to evolve and grow as a person, being your best, authentic self, and hopefully attract other good people who share common values. It's one day at a time to make a difference for positive change.
I'm a gay white male late 40's and never really fit in with any community straight or gay. Always had both feet on opposite sides of the door.
will you be my bf
A lot of us become misanthropes.
@@bbb12124 Hello Handsome
Gay or straight I find both equally boring.@@bbb12124
@@bbb12124is that related to the antelope?
I'm a gay guy and I find hard to relate to other gays around. The sheer amount of fakeness, superficiality etc. I formed my own conclusions. It comes from the lack of male role models and socialisation with the wrong gender. Men have a very different psyche than women. Gay men very often hang out mostly with women and lack natural male companionship. They don't form a strong male character.
100% agree. This needs to be studied further, I think it is the key to most of these issues
@@damonmelendez856 it should but I think it's very politically incorrect view
Your "own conclusions" are hardly your own, for they belong to a toxic "politically correct" view； one which sadly created an isolated community where folks are made to be toxic in the first place *_because_* of it.
Are gay men superficial because they hang out with women, or are superficial gay men going to hang out with superficial women? Which came first?
@@achen5689 I'm afraid I don't understand what you're trying to say. Could you rephrase it, please?
I'm saying,
Did the chicken come before the egg?
Not ALL gay men are toxic stop putting this out there.
I hear you Lancey.
Not all but most
He didn't say they were... 😮
“We’re a fragile community that’s hurt and blessing” oh good lord girl, the theatrics is one thing but making your issues anything gut your own is the very projection you speak of.
being too picky is ugly
But it's okay to not be interested in men who are heavier.
Huh?
@@NPRGAdmin people have preferences
@@anshuchoudhary5081 And because of that, you’re justified to be toxic? Wow. I think the comment was a perfect example of the content’s theme. Wasn’t even necessary.
@@NPRGAdmin I agree, but at the end of the day, people have preferences and people need to respect that. Have a good one.
@@NPRGAdmin”toxic” is just one of many misused and overused words of your time but okay lmao. All he did was share his opinion, chill.
sexual preference related to the race of a partner is not necessarily racist
if i am not attracted to white men does not mean that i have prejudice against white people
and vice versa if i am attracted to a certain ethnic group does not mean i like their culture etc.
it is pure physical
You seem to be using your experience counseling disturbed individuals, then making inferences to an entire community of millions of beautiful, irreplaceable children of God. Your conclusions would not be accepted as scientific or even considered as anecdotal in any accredited college or university. Shame!
Gay men are not toxic. They all are so cute 💜💜💜💜💜💜
Gay men aren't inherently toxic. I believe we all have problematic behaviour we need to work on and our community has a lot of behaviour that is troublesome.
@@KenReidCo I understand it cutie ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
@Christopher Lee Maybe some of them, but obviously not all of them. In the same way that there are straight men and women that are toxic, there's a percent of LGBT that is probably toxic. Not all of them are like that
@@dubon9999 And theres nothing cute about a man wanting fuck with another man, that's inhuman if anything
@@dubon9999 Look, a LOT of them are toxic now stop it!
Some interesting ideas here, but they're unfortunately sullied by over-generalizing and hyperbole. I assumed the title was clickbait and the actual video topic would be modulated by a modifier like "some gay men" or even "many gay men" but then you reiterate the opening question "why are gay men so toxic?"--essentially ascribing these negative attributes to every single homosexual on earth. If you really think that all or most gay men have these toxic traits, your perspective on the gay population has likely been warped by selection bias: you're probably encountering a disproportionately high number of dysfunctional gay men in your therapeutic work or maybe in the social circles you personally interact with. It's a mistake, though, to generalize this high level of negativity to the entire gay male population (the vast majority of whom you've never met). A similarly skewed perception can result when someone's observation of gay male behavior is drawn from clubs, circuit parties and hookup apps--these aren't representative samples and will obviously lead to tarring the whole gay world as shallow and narcissistic. This kind of generalizing is dangerous as it hearkens back to the bad old days pre-Stonewall when the mental health establishment perceived all homosexuals as pathological--simply because the only avowed gay men psychologists ever encountered in those days were in mental hospitals or prisons.
I don’t see myself as a toxic person but I can relate with most of what you mentioned in this video. I’m very critical about myself and can have also high expectations for others. I can be salty and almost toxic without even noticing because that’s how I talk to myself.. I had a strong urge since I was young to change myself in order to be perfect and blend in, and I can be picky when I’m dating.. kinda sucks tbh lol
I understand where you are coming from.
I have been there. Golly.
Try to hold your horses.
Give yourself a chance to be and behave naturally rather than to that unattainable standard.
See where it goes. 👍🏽🕊️
I live in a city with a fairly large LGBTQ+ community. I am a heterosexual male. I have no issue with people's sexual orientation or preference. You do you. That's not my concern. My issue intales the behavior I observe with some gay men while they are in public. It is the catty, rude, smart mouthed, disrespectful behavior. We've all seen it before. The stereotypical "bitchy" gay guy. You know, the "spoiled little rich kid that pouts because mommy and dady didn't get them what they wanted and now has an attitude with everyone" attitude. I've seen it way too many times where a homosexual man is being blatantly rude, catty, smart mouthed, disrespectful towards someone in public and no one says or does anything to call them out on their ridiculous behavior in fear of being called some type of "phobe" or being accused of some sort of hate crime. My belief is that society has conditioned us to accept the "if it's gay, it's ok" mentality. Meaning just because someone identifies with a certain sexual orientation, that gives them merit or a pass to act in an unacceptable manner.
I believe there is this mentality with some of the gay community that they can do no wrong because they are such a marginalized community. Now, I said SOME not ALL. So zip it. I also believe that this mentality is weaponized by using the victimization card. "Poor me, I'm just so oppressed by everyone and everything I have a right to act this way". I don't care who you are or what you do. But if you disrespect me as a man, I'm going to confront you like a man and talk to you as a man. Gay or not, your still a man. Regardless of sexual orientation or what you identify as. Equal rights means catching equal lefts too if you keep up the disrespect.
My questions are, has anyone else seen this behavior? If you did, how did you handle it? Why do people think just because someone's homosexual they won't get chin checked for acting disrespectfuly towards someone? (Now all of a sudden it's a "hate crime" and the person is "homophobic") Am I in the wrong for calling out this observation in behavior?
You can't hide behind being homosexual to justify your shitty behavior and think it's cute, funny, or acceptable. It’s not. If any heterosexual man were to act this way in public it would be checked and shut down right away. But for some reason, it's ok if you're gay. The entitlement is laughable.
I think the catty gay men who you describe as self-entitled and untouchable are simply catty people in general; you see this a lot with self-titled women; even self-entitled men, who are heterosexual as yourself.
You say "SOME NOT ALL". I'm not "zipping up" about the fact that you appear to have a prejudice for gay men as a whole; where the set of respectful gay men, while you may not say it on the surface, seems to you the isolated exception. I could very well be wrong about this, but this is the impression that you're exuding; to me, at least.
I can testify firsthand, as an introverted gay man who tends to listen to the world around him more than he talks, that the rude gay men you address (who use their experience as oppressed homosexual men as an excuse to be rude, self-entitled, inconsiderate and what other of the unflattering sort have they) *_are really just a smaller subset of gay men_* . My category of gay men which I belong to: I've taken so much shit from loudmouth, intolerant extroverted people (many of whom are straight, mind you) who feel they need to angrily chastise my every move and style in doing things; I can't even walk 3 seconds without having to deal with the self-consciousness that they've imposed on me. There are many other introverted kindhearted gay men who also read in this situation. Next category: there are plenty of the practical and laborious type of gays who define life by work; and make friends based on practical needs. And then yet another category: there are yet those gay men who are college hipsters who befriend everyone and don't see to bother anyone; some of them are the brightest around.
See? I just listed three other categories of gay men; none of whom are an issue. What about THEM?
It's simply not honest for you to acknowledge only the rude and catty superficial brats; and speak about them as if they represent the general population of gay men, when they really don't.
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Now, on a different note, you say that if you get disrespected, you will talk to the gay man like a man; gay or not. This isn't the first time I've heard this. I think the problem with *_this_* mentality is that ideas of respect differ between gay and straight men in general. The gay man who you say disrespected you may not have been aware of it and probably doesn't fully understand why. He has a different way of thinking than heterosexual men do.
The flip is regretfully true as well. I can't tell you how many times rude straight men have used languages and tones that are inappropriate and indecent in conversation; and don't seem to understand how they were being rude, obnoxious and the like. When I confront them on their behavior, *_I_* was supposed to accept that that's "just how men talk"; and that I was the one who was somehow "being too sensitive"; and the one who needed to "be a man" about things. See? Who was being disrespectful here? Me, or the rude straight man? (Don't answer the rhetorical question.)
Not that I think you read my post, anyways; beyond hasted scanning.
this is why although annoying, I don’t take offense to stereotypes because that is what stands out. Most of us are just other dudes you pass without thought and don’t need to exclaim it, thus leaving the representation to be horrific. But in my experience, I’ve always heard straight people say they know people not like that. It’s funny because they throw the todo. Word at us too. Heaven forbid we don’t like drag or want to act like high school girl bullies.
Its already post, we can't change others. Be strong and just move on
Hypersexuality is a symptom of mind-body-spirit imbalance. Being too connected to the flesh and not developing the psychological, behavioral, and spiritual senses. Emphasis on the *spiritual.* Acknowledging spiritual laws and practicing restraint can make a huge difference. God put spiritual laws in place to protect us from negative energies (hypersexuality/obsessive compulsion), but most people make it out that God is just too strict. I pray that one day, eyes will be opened in the LGBTQ+ community. Life cannot always be about *self.*
Most gay men are reflexively anti-religious/anti-spiritual but oddly enough are in perfect agreement with the people who they conveniently blame for their pathologies. But one can't have it both ways... talk shit about homophobic religious groups while at the same time, apparently agree with the anti-gay varieties, in spite of the ones that do not take an anti-gay stance. So it's like the low quality dudes are purposely looking for reasons to perpetually nurse a wound.
There's a movie from around 1970 called The Boys in the Band that I absolutely love but these days is somewhat considered "outdated" due to the overt self-hatred represented. Gay men aren't like that anymore..... right? We've moved beyond all that .... right? On the contrary, I find this movie still quite relevant. It's great that gay men in recent years have gained a lot of more positive portrayals in the media but in the "real" world gay men still have a lot of emotional growing up to do!!
Totally agree. It perfectly represents the gay “community” as it was and how it still is today.
I saw the movie adaptation…WHEW. To say it’s still relevant is an huge understatement.
@@brentduanefoster I think every gay man knows every character.
@@Jason-ml3vs Yep, sometimes because they see…themselves.
@@brentduanefoster true. I see a lot of myself in Micheal unfortunately
I suffered from acne when I was young, and I was constantly abused and used sexually. One example; a man I loved very much said, ' I feel as if I am having sex with a cripple. ' I collapsed with panic attacks and even now I am on 2Omg of Valium a day. I am too old now to reduce the dose. I have also been ripped off for money always in the name of ' love ' and now I hate that word love as it signifies emotional abuse. I have had no sexual experiences for over 14 years and only in my dreams do I see another self that I could have been. I also have nightmares, but sometimes in dreams I meet a lover who truly cares and does not judge my ' imperfections. '
Learn to love your current self with all your 'flaws', forgive those that hurt you by thanking them for making you stronger, and practice positivity through your words and actions. Do this and your future self will thank you immensely 😉
The fact videos are still being made about toxic gay male culture shows that alot hasn't changed in the "community" when I realized about it 15 years ago.
Yep, it's still an ongoing challenge. It's also a sobering reality that we still have a lot of work to do as a community.
It's even worse due to social media
@@XGuessX5 Agreed, social media has conflated a lot of problems
Oh it's worse now than it was back then. Worse people are less ashamed of it now.
To the op -
I'm not sure if I found your hasted conclusion all that productive and insightful. People still make videos about aspects of racism and racially-fueled issues, and it's 2023 (when this comment was left). Is the USA still racist in the way she was back in 1950 and 1960?
I'm sorry to reign on the parade of self-discouragement, but in my honest opinion, "gay drama" nowadays is mainly just drama; and not a defining character of gay men. You see it from political debates right down to Jerry Springer hostility over petty sexual feuds. No longer can gay men blame drama on the gay community anymore; take responsibility for yourself.
Get a helmet.
I am glad I KEEP running across videos like yours. For years, I thought something was wrong with me. Now I realize that this boat is full--decent guys who find themselves on the out with the gay community due to a warped sense of values. The only good thing in my situation is I enjoy my own company.
Don't isolate. Let's run the bottom feeders back to the pit of hell they came from.
Those warped sense of values come from the way were treated as children. Hardly a difficult take but you tried.
@@Rage_Harder_Then_RelaxNone of us were treated like gold. And especially those of us who are double and triple minorites, we had it even worse. So frankly I personally am ittle interested in demonic, paganistic (usually white) men going whoa is me. It's actually the most privileged in our communities pushing these far left destructive agendas regarding sex and relationships in the name of freedom and "consent". Really it's just petulant rebellion. And frankly I would love for the gay male community to be exposed even more for its duplicity that directly leads to feelings of isolation depression and suicidal ideation. Gay men love to harp about it the church's role in creating mental disorders in gay youth but never the pathologies we revel in. Ah yeah, let's talk about love is love publicly but privately act like and call each other pigs, receptacles for male fluid, glamorize open relationships, etc. We need a Nightline special exposing this seedy underbelly.
What I find a bit peculiar is that there are so many gay men on this comments page who complain about the community of gay men on the whole, and how it has been so rampantly poisoned with cheating, abusive and mean-girl behavior. My question to you all is, how come you all aren't finding each other in real life and giving support to eachother when you all need it?
I'm quite a naturally feminine gay guy, been like this all my life and it can be quite difficult to find a guy who truly likes me for who I am. One guy who did was always putting me down though and was emotionally abusive, we was together a while and was going to get married, had it planned but I left him as I had enough of the mind games.
But also I get looked up and down a lot, dirty looks mostly by straight men and elderly people when out and about just because I wear tight clothes, pluck my eyebrows a little, wear a cross body bag marketed for women but I feel more comfortable being like this, it's who I was born to be, but men aren't supposed to be feminine, caring and go to great lengths to look good all the time, right? So I get crap from all angles. I do have a few very nice straight women friends who are just so nice to me and we do a lot together so I have something to be thankful for.
Simple solution. Transition date another trans woman.
@@christinamurphy2311 I have for a long time thought I would've been more suited to being born female, does that make me trans in some way? I don't know but I don't get distressed about my male body; such as having an issue with my penis like a lot of trans women do. So I'm just a feminine guy at the end of the day.
You sound perfectly lovely to me.
@@brendantaylor2623 thank you so much that's made my day 😘🙂
ThankU, i do identify, got harsh criticism in the nuclear family for being fem. I live in NYC where, by local standards my fem-ness is mild. But absolutely enough to trigger the femiphobes. Yeah, i think it should be called femiphobis
The nasty, ugly bullying that goes on in "the scene." The back stabbing, the shaming, the determination to drag others down. For what? Competition? Status? Sport?
too picky!!!!
When those of us being sincere and devoted, loyal, get dissed from the one you ate devoted to, hurts tremendously. Yes, there are such guys like me, that have 0 desire for anyone else. Mine broke off from me, mostly because of paranoia, 4 months ago, still want no other. Try to stand by him if he ever gets over this and see I'm very devoted. Through illness and health, for better or worse, I'm there.
Thank you for this video. You are cute and intelligent so I know that you will understand what I am about to say. I have been single for 20 years now, never able to find a guy who was interested in me as a human being. I was so shocked and surprised by this as I have been continually told how handsome and intelligent I am by friends, family and neighbors. I have a good job, nice home, buff body, and good things going on in my life. Yet I remain alone. I have been celibate for the last ten years, working on myself spiritually, physically and mentally. I recently came back out and met a guy through social media. He desperately wanted me to come over, but I was very reluctant to do so. For days he kept sending me pictures and asking me to come over, but I remained reluctant. He wanted to come to my place but I would not allow that. I asked him if we could talk by phone so we could get to know each other a little bit. So we did. I enjoyed talking to him for a few days. He kept sending me pictures and love notes. His pictures showed him to be a cute, young Jamaican guy. His love notes seemed quite sincere and were fun to read. I eventually we set a date for me to come over. I told him I would come over, but only to talk and get to know each other. Nothing else! I told him that I had been celibate for ten years. He agreed and seemed excited that I was coming over to his place. I bought a nice bottle of wine and went over to his place, which was very close to mine. I was absolutely shocked when i got there. He was an old man who looked nothing like his pictures. And he lived with his mom. I did not want to be cruel or superficial to him, so I decided that at least we could share a glass of wine together and talk before I took my leave. We sat in his bedroom and talked and watched Netflix. He kept trying to make sexual moves on me but I rebuffed him. I told him that I had not decided to come out of celibacy. Next thing I know his mom came into the room and we had a very pleasant conversation. I really liked her. When she left the room he told me that his mom really liked me and thought that I was very handsome and nice guy. Then he handed me my credit card which he said had dropped from my pocket. I could not see how this could have happened. At least I was willing to be his friend. He seemed sad that I had to take my leave. But it was late and I had to go home and prepare for work the next morning. The next day I emailed him and thanked him for a lovely evening and asked him to say hi to his mom for me. I never heard back from him. I checked my credit card online activity. There was an erroneous charge on my card for $200 for a subscription to a sex website. I was shocked, bewildered and confused! I cancelled that subscription and had my money refunded to my credit card. Only then did that guy call me back. I blocked his number from my phone. I choose to remain single and celibate. Thank you for hearing me out, brother. Please understand why so many of us remain single.
That guy sounded like a right idiot. Unfortunately the gay community is full of them. Certainly don't take it personally. You did the right thing.
wow .. but what the moral of the story
@@TheUtak The moral is that you can be miserable all by yourself. You don't need other people to help you be miserable!
@@Fordie47 noted 👌
Thank you for sharing this incident with us. You have been doing right by yourself to not allow game playing to interrupt your life and peace of mind all this time.
Great video!!
I was just thinking this is what the gay community needs, very early counselling, like from 12-13 at least, where kids learn how to cope with their own feelings and a potentially non-optimal family and external environment. Could save a lot of lives and greatly enhance quality of lives.
Finally, a comment on here that actually refers to the topic. Everyone else was crying about how bad they have had it with the gay community or how the gay community destroyed their lives. Someone here who actually took the time to analyze how bad the community has been treated and how this affects all of us our entire lives. Our treatment as gay children need to change for this behaviour to end so we can all get that loving relationship we crave for in the end.
I agree with everything @Rage_Harder_Then_Relax had stated.
I was raised in California, in some of the most LGBT-affirming settings there is. Really, the positive scene where straight people care to assimilate gay people without a second thought and even young gay guys care about eachother did do wonders for my health as a happy gay brat. Did wonders for a lot of us gay men. We could live happy lives being gay without having to remind ourselves regularly about needing to accept and love ourselves to be healthy.
@@Rage_Harder_Then_RelaxIt’s almost like the “topic” is based on false pretenses where all gay men grew up or act a certain way. How dare us not by into your “ma community, we’re all traumatized” rhetoric. Have you considered, idk, dealing with your individual issues as an individual? 😒
Try being an Indian hairy chested gay guy in America. You are at the bottom of the barrel. Which is my case. Often felt left out, alone and excluded. I’ve had my share of hurt and at 45, learning to cope and be happy in my flesh. I tried to gather all those hurts, anger and shame and put it to towards making my self happy and loving my self. It’s not easy, but good friends and rewarding one’s self, helps a lot. 😊
I hear you and I think that it sounds like you're handling the situation really well. Based on my experiences working with men of colour from LGBTQIA+ backgrounds, I can empathise that it is not easy and can feel like you're at the bottom of the food chain.
I'm not sure what hairy chested has to do with anything. You think people discriminate against you because of that? Seems unlikely
@@john.premose Yeah the hairy chest isn't the worry I would think. The racism is another thing though.
I'm writing this comment again as I don't think my original response was saved. I agree with everything said in this video. I've had a very negative experience with my sexuality and it even led to my own family disowning me. It look me a long time to realise how toxic the LGBT community actually is. Every relationship I've had with a man turned out to be highly abusive and volatile I was cheated on continuously and I experienced ill treatment even at work and socially. In the UK LGBT people are mostly focused on spontaneous sex, drugs and forming unhealthy clicks during social outings. I always felt like I dont belong am not accepted and this continued to get worse over time. It went on from 2003 right up until 2017 that was my last relationship. I've been single 6 yrs now and stepped away from the scene and pride. Stopped apps etc as well and all of my friends are heterosexual. I feel more comfortable this way as I literally cant take anymore abuse. At 42 I feel like I've experienced enough of abuse to last me a lifetime. I work on myself all the time had CBT therapy and counselling. I've got my own flat, driving licence and qualifications I would not have achived if i still had all this hell in my life. I've accepted I will probably stay on my own now but I would rather that than have a fully disrupted life and be unhappy. Unless you have really thick skin and will not be affected by repeated negative experiences then this wont apply but for those who are slightly sensitive to this type of behaviour I think it's best to make a choice and decide what is good for your own mental health in the long run
It's unfortunate, really. I do say, victims of volatile social and familial treatment are likely to become volatile themselves, in my experience. Put them together, you'll get one very "happy" community. (obvious playful sarcasm)
I too was tormented with a rather, heh, not-so-friendly lgbt environment in lgbt club college. Though, mine isn't as worse as what you say yours is.
My personal advice for gay men in your situation, for what it's worth, is to look for gay men whose testimony is the same as yours. There are plenty of men who too went through what you did. Surely, one of them would be a wonderful lifetime husband.=)
Sadly, hurt people hurt people. Breaking the cycle is difficult. Like trying to understand and find sanity in an asylum. But this video is a good start.
Wisdom !
You speaking nonsense
I think what your describing is quite common with how I see and meet the sort of people with mental health issues and such, through my journey coming out at 14.. now alot older I’m not in touch with the community for the same reason of how broken and toxic the community is, I’m now exhausted from being around people that are gay now because of the drama and the issues of mental health that’s obviously not completely on them for but more or less just the uncaring and un empathetic nature of people, it’s grown more complicated as time is going on.. more so since COVID and the fact I live in a very culture rich country with a very high rate of suicides and a broken mental health system. it’s all to much for me 😢 I’ve suffered a lot of mental health issues from it all from dealing with others who are mentally unwell, sadly has changed my views. Fortunately I’m not fully gay and bisexual so it’s not as difficult for me but I still do feel as if I can’t truly express my homosexually because of change really.. I still have great memories of being out and dating and such, but I constantly see problems with the community and the people constantly and it does hold me back. So yeah it’s a personal choice I’ve made but it’s been incredibly difficult change ny ways but am alot happier for.
I will still all-ways support gay people no matter what ❤ just my personal views and experiences have changed me as a person.
If you read this your opinion matters of course. I blabbered alot here 😂
How can you not be fully gay or bi sexual LOL. You must be from a religious background to think that way.
That was a super huge list of things to work through.
How do we recover from realising we are inherently intrinsically different to all those we are surrounded by heteronormatively
However do we make a start.
How can there be initiatives to encourage individuals to learn the skills to live a better life at an affordable price or ideally for free.
Hugely thought provoking video !
Recover from what? So we’re different. And? Stop saying WE, not all of us are out here stuck on this victim persona 💀 Maybe work on why it is you feel so negatively about being your true self.
@@CajunGators
You do you.
Allow others to be and express themselves however they choose to.
You are the one that has a lot of work to do.
You do not know me !
Hello Ken, we have a lot of work to do as a community. I've seen and experienced all of the points covered to some degree, as well as been guilty of contributing. There are two things that come to mind...the first is we need to talk about it. If we don't bring it to the surface, it cannot be addressed. Second, we need to start from within. I am a fond believer that you must do the inner work to be able to expand outward. I truly hope others find this video, as we do need to be better about supporting one another instead of trying to be destructive. Thank you and I appreciate you 🙏
Thank you! I completely agree, we definitely need to talk about it and I also have definitely been guilty of my own share of toxic behaviour. I also agree that doing the inner work is the key as well as having greater joint understanding between cultures as a lot of this stuff is very interlinked.
@@KenReidCo ❤
So much truth in this video.
It’s hard for many of us to look at ourselves in this mirror about this matter.
That's because so much of far left ideology is demonic.
Idk why but I just feel like josh helfgott is a toxic person himself by spreading hate, his gay new thing covers stuff that can be supportive but some of his videos just have him having a positive attitude to those who don’t support the lgbtq community get hurt and it feels weird to watch a person who wants to spread positivity spreads so much hate to those with different ideals
That’s just me tho I am not apart of the community but I do support it but what I don’t support what he says about people who don’t agree with the same ideals as him
Being a gay guy is tough and yes most of the scene is toxic, not everyone it has to be said but most of us are obsessed with our looks, I admit to being that way myself and looking perfect and young and cute, I'm 38 and already getting worried about losing my youthful looks and becoming invisible real soon as I get into my 40s. We criticize each other for being not gay enough, too fem, and even too butch, seems like we are never truly happy and swing from one criticism to another and try to find faults all the time. And add to that our dating pool is very small it can be a lot harder to find someone as well. And then there's homophobia from outside of our community. Almost feels like being gay is a test and we are destined to have this crappy life experience. If I could come back 100% straight I would but probably as a woman actually not a smelly straight man.
Thank you for your video is very informative and it resonate with my experiences as a gay man and with other gay men I have interacted with.
I’ve always been accused of cheating since I am an attractive guy with a bubbly personality since I do accept everyone. That has damaged my relationships in the past. What’s your advice for me?
Hey Nolo, I’m sorry you’re going through this. As a boundary, I don’t do counselling in the comments but you are more than welcome to book in a session with one of my team members if you want to navigate this.
Beautifully articulated
Very good points....sounds similar to what Paul Angelo says.
That guy is creepy
Why do you think so?
Because he speaks the truth 👁
@@Rage_Harder_Then_RelaxYou just don't like his anti-bottom campaigns he runs on his channel lol.
I’m coming to this trying not to be homophobic but maybe get advice. I’m a straight male but always was very sensitive and not very good at conflict. Honestly mistaken (bullied) for gay a lot of my life. I’m dealing right now with a gay co worker who is coming off really toxic to me. And it seems to be only me. Creating cliques. Talking about me behind my back. Trying to turn people against me. Especially with the administrative assistant (female) who I WAS forming a nice friendship with, until all of a sudden she flipped and now treats me with disdain (mainly when he’s around). It’s a little hard to deal with because it’s all under the radar. Sort of “mean girl” esque. I don’t know what kind of answer I’m looking for but it all made me look up this subject because I felt myself kind of blaming gayness itself. Or maybe the culture. I dunno. Trying to be open here! Thoughts?
You are not homophobic. Gays in the work place can be very toxic and cause division between other coworkers. Unfortunately a lot of gay men have a competitive nature which is common amongst a minority.
I definitely don't read this as homophobia. I think it sounds like you're dealing with a coworker who engages in toxic and possibly even narcissistic behaviour. Obviously, not all gay men are like this but if you've had enough bad experiences with our community it can definitely feel like this is all there is and I'm sorry you've experienced this.
nah gay guys are pick me’s in every aspect of their life. Their whole life is a “CHOOSE ME!” plea lmao
Brother you have done no harm to anyone. You are nothing less than a beautiful man and a child of God. Avoid and ignore toxic people at all times. Let no one poison your spirit bro. And do not suffer fools gladly ever! A job is just a job and you can find another one easily. Never allow your spirit to remain trapped in Hell! That was never God's plan for your life. Always know that God loves you. All you need to do, bro, is love God back! That is all God will ever ask of you, bro. Please release your spirit from Hell, bro. That is not where it belongs. May God bless you as you move forward to your home in Heaven.
It is the culture. Hetero and gay, causing conflicts, behavioral acts of distance. I also had similar treatments. Take away these stereotypes, would at least greatly reduce such incidents.
This helped so much. I’m very much working on myself but am also realizing I’ve kept myself away from the gay community for years bc of feeling physically, financially inadequate.. this video makes me want to do more work on myself. I needed that. Thank you
So far this is the most truthful video I've seen. Thank you.
Wow, thank you!
Please, what are some good book recommendations for this topic on Gay toxicity within our society and world
Are you in Melbourne? If so would be great to have a discussion over coffee and think about practical measures to help lead an alternative reality to life a gay lifestyle without all the self-trashing and narcissicism. I'd love to help others in a way that could be a viable option to the current state of affairs.
I'm actually based in Cairns but I'm definitely open to collaboration and discussing workshops on how to help gay men. You're welcome to reach out via my email or on Instagram.
Love is gay 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈 W Gay Marriage ❤️ Wonderful ♂️👍✨💞 Joy and Freedom 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈 The Freedom Flag 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
Sheesh 😳 do you have videos on the positive aspects of this lifestyle. I came here because gay men are gossiping about me. They display ALL of the traits here. I cannot explain how insightful this video is. Thanks
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.
I have only been able to make one relationship with a man work. I just turned 50 and we have been together for 5 years. I think men by nature are just selfish. The gay community cares about one thing - how you look. If your hot there will be no shortage of sex . Im hoping I can make this relationship last cujz Im getting old
You clearly didn't even watch the video.
Good luck Ryan. Yeah aging and ageism is a big problem in our community. If you are above a certain age you become invisible and classed as over the hill, obviously this can be minimized if you look younger than your age.
I really got fed up with mind games and sexual promiscuity of gay community I just want nothing to do with them anymore for a long time
You didn't get hit, did you mate?
Another thing a bad person is a bad person period.... let's pray for a stable society without the influence and the computer
GREAT GREAT GREAT video, I agree with most of the things you explained and conveyed. I want more of you sir!!
More to come!
@@KenReidCo subscribed!!
Thank you for speaking out about all these issues we live with.
Its really simple stop having casual sex with random guys. This only leads to loneliness which can lead to depression and suicide.
Stop it!.. you're personally attacking me with your psychological advices! 🤣😭😭... Now i want more..
Generic personality kween
Maybe thats why im celibate.
This is so sad. Most gay men I know are shallow. I was wondering isn't there any gays want a serious long relationship these days? Unfortunately these men will end up lonely and sad by the time they get old. That's the karma they get for being egocentric and shallow. Looks fade by ages. Everyone will get old so stop being picky because when you get old the younger gays wouldn't want to be with you either. What terrible cycle. The worst part is they even bully each other for no reason other than because they are gay. Deep closeted self hating gays always like to harass and pick on happy proud out gays because they either jealous to the fact they can't be themselves or its just a projection of their insecurities. Absolutely disgusting and unacceptable bottom line! How do we expect society to accept us when we can't even learn how to accept ourselves? The twinks, jocks, bears ....oh gosh a whole animal kingdom. Some gay men can be a bunch of hypocrites aren't they?
I find the opposite. I have been discriminated against very frequently because I'm not "out" enough to suit them. Multiple people have turned me down when they liked me up until that point. But I'm not going to live my life according to their standards, because they will drop me tomorrow if they feel like it so I'm not going to arrange my life around them
In my opinion, the flashy people who define everything that they do by their "gayness" are the shallow and judgemental ones
What exactly defines "serious" relationship? Monogamous? Having friends that both partners of approve of?
To me, being faithful doesn't necessarily have to be these things; one can be faithful to a partner and still have "open-relationships"; so long as both partners are ok with it.
I have met so many gay guys who ram my throat about "serious relationships" only. They criticize me for what appears to them to be my superficial dating front; only to *_then_* complain how "suffocating" I am, when after actually getting to know me with time I show how devoted and "smothering" I can be to the one person I love deeply.
This ^^^ seems to be a trend within the gay male population. They put on a "serious relationships only" face, and then become even flakier than the people they criticize for being immaturely frivolous about serious relationships, when they are caught in a serious monogamy.
I am more than convinced that gay men who demand "serious relationships only" are simply another group of superficial drama queens; with a frail (and failed) holier-than- thou image.
As an english learner, gotta say: very nice of you to put subtitles throughout all the video
There are days that the toxicity of the gay not-community makes me wonder if I should just unalive myself. I’m tired of understanding why people treat people like crap, especially when there are no solutions.
Well he just gave you the reasons why we are all screwed up. If you wanna ignore that, then it's up to you and clearly the majority of commenters here who didn't bother to try and understand either!
@@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax your comments make you sound exactly like the toxic gay guys this video discusses. The lack of self-awareness is palpable, lol.
Excellent points. I have never thought about it before and being alone for 99% of my life could explain why I haven't seen the toxic behaviors of others. Yet, I have witnessed the superficial nature of many guys at bars and online. I wonder if gay guys, in general, tend to be more insecure. At the various sites such as Reddit, I see many (including myself) seeking validation. In general, appearance seems to matter more to gay guys than straight ones. The saturation of the social media with beautiful people posting photos has had an impact on self-perceptions. Cheating and seeking out conquests feeds the need for validation.
I wonder if there are a way men with gay feelings can divest from the gay lifestyle due to the toxicity of the lifestyle and how racist and superficial it is.
There are many of us who turned in our gay membership cards a long time ago while we were still in our 20’s and had happy full lives pursuing who we are as men who see ourselves as whole , multi faceted people.
Ken ThankU for tackling this painful topic. I'm old, resigned from "the game" long ago. Made immense progress in recovery, though seemingly unable to pairbond. Can we really know why? You are right that "Hurt people hurt people". Long ago psychologists identified the dynamic "identification with the oppressor", how victims take on traits of perps. I get why passive aggression happens: those of us who grew up DISempowered really felt we had no choice but to take it underground. I'm glad i'm old
I think the community needs to get over the "it's so cool to be bitchy and act like a mean girl" thing, that shit is so lame, you're grown up men.
I'm a woman and it's a mess when a boy is molested this is the beginning of a true identity crisis.....we women will not have enough straight men to be with.. so we all have a major crisis... women are nothing these days we offer so much in a relationship.. to.much onfusion sometimes shutting that computer off and focusing is better
What the hell are you on about?
What are you even talking about? Are you saying that happened to all gay men??? That’s insane.
Brilliant analysis, Ken. I wish I had heard this years ago. I'm 41 now and have been feeling serious anxiety and fear that my days as an attractive-enough man are numbered. This is a terrible state of mind to be in and only works against us. Time to be better attuned to reality.
They really are. I'm very ugly and have been stalked for years by a bitter toxic old gay male. He even called me straight because I wouldn't have sex with him. Yuck, he's old enough to be my grandpa.
I'm not sure what that has to do with the topic at hand, which is socially and romantically toxic gay men.
LOL! What you wrote is not funny but your voice in writing does carry a humorous tone due to the candor. Maybe you are a writer. Either way it was a cleverly executed comment 👍🏻💯❤️
*_|||"OL! What you wrote is not funny but your voice in writing does carry a humorous tone due to the candor. "|||_*
No, @@Iamlightning333, what OP wrote in fact did not come off as funny. Indeed.
There is, to me, nothing "Clever"/"funny"/adorable/insightful about an individual attempting to call out toxic culture, by bringing up half-irrelevant matters that nicely turned out to display his own toxic bigotry.
First, he affirms that gay men "really are" (toxic). Next, his example of it is an "old gay man" who has a liking for him; which angrily irritates him because because the gentleman who favors him is "old enough to be [his] grandpa".
Was the issue at hand about stalking, or was it about his stalker being old and ugly? In fact, isn't the latter the very toxic behavior which OP affirms gay men "really are"?
Stalked? Suuuuure. Probably just got annoying Grindr messages from him and refuse to hit block. He called you straight, if that’s an insult in his book he shouldn’t even be worth your time or energy.
I didn't want to like this, but you're not wrong. I shared it with a few people i think could use it.
Hurt people hurt people.
I think there's a trend where, when gay men are a community, many have been sadly observed to turn sour in said-toxic ways.
Individually, or in a smaller setting, many gay men can really turn to caring for and empowering each other.
On the other hand, I think some of the problem with gay men lies not in them; but their criticizers. We treat them like gay men are the only ones who cheat. Sorry, loves. Have you watched Jerry Springer recently? How about the Steve Wilkos show?
Cheating and drama can be found anywhere and everywhere. So, we can stop blaming these issues on them. Really, folks: there are plenty of gay men who don't try to emulate the negative aspects of society (like mean girls being mean girls) simply to fit in. We can please kindly put that outdated, dishonest, and (heh!) *_toxic_* stereotype out to pastures. Please and thanks.
I might add,
I will say that it seems embittered gay men who fell out of the community and convene places like here to talk about it have sadly created a bit of a toxic community in itself. Notice how much prejudice these gay men have in assuming that gay men are toxic simply because they are gay men. Does anyone need that kind of energy?
All you've done is reinforce the very toxicity you're criticizing. You're exacerbating the very issue you're trying to resolve.
So I appreciate all the work and voice you offer. I feel like I'm hearing a lot of assumptions in this video and things which might be offensive. Firstly, it sounds like there's negativity towards open-relationships or polyamory, which deserves exploring the counterpoint that in fact they dowork for many, many people. Secondly, one may not want to assume that systems of oppression damage people, toxic behaviors are human and not just within gay culture, and might be worth further exploration as toxic masculinity. Thirdly, racism and homophobia are a White, Christian, Colonialist cultural invention meant to justify systems like colonialism and slavery, even if those views are held within cultures of indigenous people. Fourthly, being gay was illegal in the US and Australia long before it was in places like Ghana or India, and religious persecution of queer people within global cultures long preceded that by 300 years. Finally, you do name very important things; passive racism, guilt and shame, for instance. Yet, one must be very careful not to repeat long held stereotypes that because of homophobia in society gay men exhibit toxic behaviors and are therefore damaged, it's the onis of putting the societal view on the individual and not the other way around, it sounds in America like the long held assumption that black families were damaged by racism. Racism is a white people problem, its the systems which perpetuate racism that damage whole groups of people, who by the way show higher rates of resiliency than white youth. Gay men may show toxic behaviors and have higher rates of suicide, but that is not ONLY because we do that to each other, it's because of the homophobic societies we grow up in. Again, I sincerely appreciate the work and don't mean the criticism to be offensive - but words like "sex negative" and "assumptive" kept popping up in my mind while watching the video. I feel like it would be better with evidence and research from the perspective of race and culture of indigenous, black, brown, and latinx peoples, as well as interviews with gay men for whom polyamory and open relationships do work, perhaps referencing the sex positive literature or books like The Ethical Slut. I feel like this topic is better phrased as "Toxic Masculinity among gay men"
David, thank you for your reply and I want to be transparent and clear about a lot of the points you've raised.
Firstly, with regards to polyamory and different styles of relationships that are non-monogamous and also non-traditional, I have no issue with people who can make these kinds of relationships work. My only hesitation around these challenges might be from the fact that many are created as an excuse to avoid genuine issues and insecurities in relationships. At the end of the day, relationship creation is a choice and what works for me won't work for many others. This is my opinion on this.
Secondly, on the note of systems of oppression, some of these definitely exacerbate existing patterns of behaviour in human society.
Thirdly, I don't believe racism and homophobia are colour specific. I acknowledge that white society has done a LOT to perpertrate and create racism to advance Western society. But to disregard internalised racism and homophobia as well as inter-cultural racism and homophobia is not helpful.
Finally, I made this video from my perspective on this topic. I have presented this video with the existing knowledge and work I've made from my work with clients. It wasn't intended to shame anyone and I do appreciate that as a white man with my lived and researched experience, I don't have access to all perspectives and answers on this which can understandably cause frustration.
With all that being said, I can see the benefits of having access to such literature and perspectives to create greater nuance and clarity. And, I apologise if my points came across as "assumptive" as well as, "sex negative" as this is not my intention.
Dude why are you blatantly ignoring that most people in polygamous relationships are being taken advantage of? It's very common knowledge in the poly community that they're fucked up people and can't satisfy themselves with one person. There are literally so so many horrific stories of polyamorous relationship breakdowns. Infact the people that are in HEALTHY polyamorous relationship in almost 2%. You're literally lying and making up facts to support your argument because this video called out your trash behaviour. Do better instead of blame people. You seem very toxic.
Being gay is a trauma. Everybody wants to be loved and accepted but they are not able to give anything in return. I guess they want to grow old, alone, hatred all by themselves. I am out of the community and I don't support it either
It’s because they are internally racist, and transphobic, etc etc
This comment section is becoming a dating scenario due to the amount of men who don’t identify with the gay community and the narrow standards! Hey, all you amazing unique men 👋🏻😛❤️🧘♂️❤️🔥🔥🔥
Um, this may news to Generation social media but most gay people do not identify with a fictional “community” aka tribal mentality. Actually in the early 2000’s, the “community” was a conservative news term you’d hear on fox usually negatively. But thanks kids for championing what people fought against for decades. So stunning and brave 👏🏿
I agree wholeheartedly
Notice how every comment on here just ignored the valid reasons why the gay community is toxic in a lot of ways, yet no-one mentions it in their ramblings about hard done by they are and how the gay community "destroyed their lives" (Obviously I'm being over the top, but the comments from these people here are still ignoring the reasons).
Damn even I thought that gay guys are acting like girls way more than girls themselves which is weird to think about or maybe it's just me.
Notice how the actual toxic ones are the ones claiming their personal worst are some “community” or culture effort rather than fix their issues like an adult. 💀
It's always been like this. I remember reading old gay internet forums from the early 2000s long before I came out. People would bring up issues like this kind and instead of attempting to acknowledge and address them people flat denied they existed aggressively. Then on top of that they viscously attacked the people who brought up the issues accusing them of having issues themselves. I watched this same pattern play out on and offline over and over until the present. It's sad but it's always been this way.