Just came to say that this piece of advise probably helped me more than the last couple of Psys I've been to. "Separate your emotions from the action".
I said to my ex "you're scaring me right now" and he replied "I have been told I can be scary when I'm angry". He was angry anytime I voiced holding him accountable.
@@MsBhappyFor comparison, I've seen a situation where a person was angry at something and noticed their partner to be scared and they made lots of effort to soothe the partner and then left to be angry somewhere else.
@@MsBhappy Yep. I had one who tried to make you not feel cornered in an argument by sitting off to a side not blocking anything and being smaller than you but at the same time, without ever raising his voice, his tone and words were scary, and when told that, he would always say that he's not responsible for my discomfort. Like being uncomfortable is different than unsafe, which is true, but he would never acknowledge when it was more than uncomfortable. And get so mad at the mere thought of anyone saying he's unsafe. A safe person wouldn't get so mad trying to prove it.
"There's no space for recognition" is exactly it. When I'd voice my discomfort to my manipulative ex they would just dismiss it with "it's fine", very matter of fact. No amount of explanation or disapproval changed the response.
@@chrischickering1959 These types of people don't understand or care about clear communication or exchange of ideas or emotions. All they care about is consequences. If you feeling bad has a negative consequence in their life, they'll care about how you feel. If it doesn't have a consequence they wouldn't give a flying f. The only way to get them to listen is to make them miserable.
I got whatcha mean. 7 years for me. I dont regret cause i make sure to take some good out of it with me . But the bad is overwhelming that with what i learnt can feel like it wasnt worth it. I guess thats fine though, bad things happen to us all, we all gonna be taking it with us and learning till it affects us no more. Keep winning people
1 yr for me and they backed out when I started to question more and paid less and less attention to them. They also found another target in which I gave a silently little prayer they wont last with that person for long. I sometimes still think about them, the child they had around that wasnt theres but was more or less grooming... thats what my instinct was telling me anyway I would react uncomfortably...
You buind up a solid radar and protective mechanism, a very manipulative person will also likely not even try as they have some kind of predatory behaviour so if you're not a prey, you won't even be bothered. However, there is a vast amount of manipulative types and you're a human being, it's possible you end up being manipulated again and that's fine, I'm sure you're in a healthier relationship with yourself now and that it won't affect you the same anyway. We can't be entirely protected from anything but the risk is decreased and the damages a lot more controled. Without bring paranoid that is, just more in tune with ourselves and others as well, and in my case at least, aware of my own biases ( the positive bias that this particular type of person couldn't be manipulative etc )
Yeah, literally. The ideal would be to know and have a clear head in the situation, but that's something to work to. When a manipulative personality dominates your life, being able to step away at all -- even if that's for a while -- is a good first step many of us don't realise we can take.
I think this is great advice outside of someone trying to manipulate you, as well. Making decisions in a moment of frustration, anger or fear can have consequences we don't see in that moment when we're all up in those emotions.
Yeah. I have spent more money fixing a problem that I caused while in such a moment than I would have if I hadn't acted while in that state. For example, my broken childhood DSi. I tried to replace the charger port and not only failed but also damaged the backlight connector for the bottom screen.
The recipient of your help will turn on you stating “I never asked you to” and feel guilt free that they used you. And they will never help you when it’s your turn. Make sure people actively ask you point blank. Or make them say yes or no by asking them if they want your help with this or if they want you to do that. Sometimes before people start ranting about their issue, ask them wait, do you want me to help you or listen? Do you want feedback? Of course, use your boundaries. If you don’t want to or feel like helping or listening, then don’t.
this is exactly how i handle panic attacks and decisions made in periods of high stress too, wait till ive calmed down before deciding if i really need to impulsively do smth my brain thinks will fix things right this moment but is actually a sloppy solution. great advice in many contexts!
Yep or even manipulated by a friend. Had that happened to me he never asked me but always planted that seed on my mind and created a scenario where I pretty had no choice but to feel bad not to buy this or pay for that learned it the hard way. When I started to say no and not listen to my emotion directly but take a step back and think about what’s going on and not give in by guilt or otherwise when I confronted him the narrative change and we do not speak anymore.
A former boss of mine used to use the approach of forcing everything NOW! He’d lie, cheat, steal, bully, blackmail, scream and shout, and somehow the higher powers loved him.
@@quangphan8996 he’s been sacked from two jobs since he left us, in as many years as it happens, and for the same reasons. I guess we make our own luck.
"Delay", very nice, ive both been manipulated and manipulated (really great place to learn how to not be manipulated if youre on the other end with thousands of varied responses from ur lil test subjects btw) and goddamn the best thing to do against it is delay your response, they (and I) cant stand that shit, whether you give in or not, if it takes 3-5 business days they're gonna go do business elsewhere So much of the playbook is all about forcing that immediate decision, "offer ends in 5 hours! Get it while its hot!!"
I had an experience recently where I was exploited/manipulated. This is what I needed to hear today, I'm still feeling what I do a day later but I think I'll be okay as long as I avoid my vices. Tysm!!
You are exactly right, manipulation is driven by play on emotions. Had to learn it through some ordeals. That what makes empaths a treat to narcissists manipulators 😂
I've been told I am manipulative, the thing is I get why, what was going on is that I wasn't able to speak what I clearly wanted because every time I expressed something negative, my partner's defensiveness would make me feel uncomfortable speaking, so I would hide to avoid ridicule/rejection, inducing emotions instead.
Not necessarily manipulation related but I'm currently working with my therapist of giving myself time in between an emotion and the belief behind that emotion and then the behavior (I usually knee-jerk react to things instead of allowing myself space to think about what's going on). It has helped soooo mucb but it has been incredibly difficult but I'm doing the work and slowly but surely will get there!! Journaling (via computer for me because my handwriting is atrocious 😂 and my brain goes faster than my hand lol) and basically spilling aaallll the thoughts I'm having in the moment (or I'll write it down later) has been extremely helpful too! It's like writing a rough draft of all your thoughts, whether you're right or wrong, then going back and talking yourself through what's really going on. So long story short, yeah give yourself space and a little time between the emotion, belief behind that emotion and lastly the behavior (your action regarding the feeling, etc.)!!! ❤❤❤❤
Wow this is eye-opening for what I'm dealing with right now with a co-worker. I've recognized him as a manipulator for a while now, but i haven't had the tools to deal with it. I will try this next week!
I had an incident at my work that made we want to quit, I had never been this furious at my coworkers and bosses before. I had never lost my composure around people who weren't my family, but I did at this moment. I gave myself time to distance myself from the situation, still considering leaving my job, but after a couple days and a clear head, I was able to weigh the pros and cons and decided to stay a my job. It is so incredibly helpful to give space and time to feel any and all emotions before making any serious (life changing) decisions. I wish most if not all situations were able to provide that time and space, but practicing this distancing has helped me tremendously.
It's good advice to resort to logic and calm thinking instead of emotions and wait till you are able to see things clearly. Helps a lot. But the manipulator/narcissist has ways to fight back when he realizes that simple emotional attacks/provocations stopped working. He also knows how to wait, but for the moments where you are unaware and vulnerable. Or even creates such situations. He plans it first and when he executes the action, you have very little time to react and realize this is the situation when you should delay decision. Only after the situation passes you know you have been manipulated again. At this point after multiple situations like this you end up constantly on alert and stressed because you never know what to expect and when. This is very energy demanding and stressful. Works for a while but then you end up drained and tired all the time, therefore more vulnerable. That's why "no contact" is so helpful.
Depends on if it’s physical or emotional. Being emotionally bound to someone is exhausting and I agree this has helped, just take time to really separate emotions from actions
“There’s no space for recognition.” Hit close to home after a friend’s spouse tried to justify hurting me because I’d backed out of a commitment to take care of myself. I gave a sincere apology for stuff I’d admittedly made mistakes on, but they didn’t return the favor. They didn’t even own they’d hurt me, or trying to offer ways to avoid the same problem moving forward, just finding multiple ways to say the same thing: “I think you’re beneath me and I think I deserve to hurt your feelings to get what I want.” The cherry on top was them suggesting I practice active communication, when they were doing the exact opposite by talking over me and refusing to listen, and form boundaries. So I did. I formed a boundary to not talk to them directly anymore and limit how often I see them. In true manipulative fashion they didn’t like that, I was “running away”. Funny how they only liked boundaries if it meant catering to their wants. 🙄
Bruh, I'm shocked at how they just straight up told you that in your face. They're completely wrong. You don't deserve to hurt. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness so keep going on with that self care! The people that manipulated me made it always so subtle, never that clear. For example they'd apologise for hurting me by saying "oow I'm sorry _you_ feel this way. I'm sorry i made you feel like this" and now thinking about it, that's not even an apology lol. Just telling me you're sorry that i have uncomfortable feelings, that's not taking responsibility 😂 Yeah, mostly it was them never taking responsibility but shoving it over to me to fix it and once i got this is was gameover. Those people weren't cruel to me, they were kind but changed moods so many times. They were empathic, with a heart but unpredictable and it made me walk on egg shells everyday. They're good people with toxic behaviours and habits. I know why they're doing it so i don't blame them. And mostly it was because i allowed them so. No boundaries, no self care because i thought i didn't deserve it. I treated myself very badly and ill-intentioned people saw this as a green light: if i do it myself, it can be used as an excuse to do that too. It's accepted, right? Exactly what this video said, detaching my thoughts and actions from the emotions, getting used to the "shame" because I'm not acting made my affection slowly go away. I'm now detached and healing! Wish you the same! 😊🥰
@@idt1 I should clarify, the spouse never directly said that, I was just spelling out what they were indirectly telling me. I kept getting the non-apology of “I’m sorry IF I hurt your feelings, but you deserved my honesty”. And multiple wordings that essentially spelled out that they thought I wasn’t deserving of their respect. Not to mention the passive aggressive statements they used like, “I could have badmouthed you behind your back but I didn’t” and “You could choose to ignore me I guess, I’m used to that”. It all just made me feel like they wanted a bigger, more emotional outburst from me, or for me to come crawling on my knees proclaiming their superiority and how “awful” I am and begging for forgiveness. It was extremely unexpected behavior from somebody I thought I could trust as a friend, but clearly they only saw me as their wife’s friend, not their own. So, yeah, definitely taking a step back from that relationship to give myself space to heal without worrying someone is preparing to hurt me again if I don’t jump to do what they want.
@@starrnanigans6402 still, they attacked you and their actions and behaviour were crude. It was so cool how you managed to keep your cool and didn't give them the reaction they wanted to see.. You're strong even if it came from a friend! Now make this life about you, not about them ☺️ this person deserves to be anywhere but in your thoughts! Plus, thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent + share my own experience ans opinions! Really needed it today ':D
This made me realize I manipulate people when I want something because I don't have the self confidence to think I'm worthy enough to bluntly ask people for a favor
It’s worse when you have children because then you are forced to set an example that may or not be the best choice if you are in a space that you cannot separate yourself from little eyes and ears. Remember that y’all. If you don’t want to be forced into that situation then keep yer field and seeds to yourself.
Very nice video - I like this point of separating emotion and action, and waiting till your head is clear before actually carrying out the action, as a way of keeping one's balance
I'm very sensitive to peoples feeling and intentions and I know when they tried to manipulate me. I take it very lightly though and I point out that they are trying to manipulate me and sometimes choose to allow them to have what they want. Sometimes I think that it would be a pain to have me around because to me people around are like open books. 😂
Social manipulation is why I don't trust the social world. People who are good at being social look at everyone as a mark to be manipulated. Gaming is honest.
Its hard for people who are secure in their emotions and express them while still making the decision they trust in, despite the emotions, and they are gaslight that they are too emotional or stupid or immature etc Some people express how they feel in the moment and know they are still making their decisions based on logic despite how they feel
This is pretty solid advice for a small portion of my life. What if you're severely mentally ill, don't consistently function and can't process a lot of the information going on around you effectively for months too years ongoing?
Just dumped my gf because she was crying her eyes out because I offered my ex babysitting or a shoulder to cry on because her dad died (suddenly). she had to leave her state to come back here since her mother was in peices, not able to handle arrangements and her other family members are irresponsible. When I saw my ex turn off the tears after I agreed to not help her. It was the final straw.
I had a nurse that was consistently inconsistent, negligent and would not separate problem from being a personal attack. A bully in management was cleaver and took her assumptions as facts and thereby instead of professionally building her, allowed patient care to suffer and when inquired about neglecting job responsibility leading to delay access to care she was so convincing that I’m making issues of nothing, contentious argument and voila she ran to the bully and I’m left disgusted, dehumanized, disgusted and without a job and a ton of anxiety and ptsd. My cousin from India said “you have too much in your mind, you just need to go to an ashram and clear your mind, that’s all.” I think I will, I try to ensure safety and quality and the negligent person stays and the doc gets mobbed, smear campaigned abject disease of despair. What a waste of intense hard work all to be lost to advocating for patients.
People get tired of telling you directly what you need to do, so they eventually just bust your feelings so you actually get angry enough to pay attention again. This clip hit hard as I got tired of telling my ADHD teammate the same thing over-and-over-and-over again. So I used very harsh boundaries and the fact that I lost sleep over it (a game...) to make sure he understood my patience was wearing thin.
@@douwe425499% of the time it just tilts them into being angry and paying less attention, griefing or rage quitting. In-game is too late to be learning/teaching and applying new concepts, even if they were open to it. Most you can do is simple advice/suggestion like "push the wave in fast", "don't auto, freeze or slow-push" etc. Hopefully they care enough and understand what you mean and how to execute it.
It wouldn’t be right to demonize all manipulators entirely. My mom uses manipulation a lot, and sometimes she tries to induce fear and extreme responses because she wants a quick result (usually for us to listen to her suggestions). And I notice she does it because she fears for us and wants the best for us even if her approach is unhealthy and problematic. So I explain to her what her words are trying to do to me, and that she is impatient for a result but neglecting the abuse and trust issues that develop in the long run. She listens and reflects. Of course, there are also manipulators with malicious intentions out there.
This is true this "manipulation and inducing" thing by Facebook or any social media app is deleting my study hour plan every fucking time I'm not able to focus
As a manipulator myself; I find that people are wildly uncomfy with silence. I just give them a silent pause and they just start spilling the beans all on their own. Its hilarious
I do it, hardly and harshly. The thing is it's usually thinking about the best interest of the other person and I always see problems be them present or future. How do I control my protective-manipulative drive?
Well my mum explicitly asks me for things😂 And then when I get her what she wants she is never satisfied. Even if she asked for it😂 I got her a silver bracelet that she wanted, and she lost it, I got her another one, and once during and argument, she told me that I never buy her anything nor give her any money. So I told her that I bought her the bracelet not once but twice. And she replied with “it’s only a silver bracelet, what kind of gift is this? Buy me something gold the next time”.
They will not ask, they will imply... Playing on my emotions, guilt tripping, extortion of your emphaty ant sympathy, and compassion... F... it I'm 64, and I have seen too much of this stinking games.. They better keep themselves far away from me, 2 meters of physical distance, 10 meters mental, emotional and other kinds of distance.... ............... ( *words, that not to be used in your community) I am done with them, done with them, I am done with them I don't care anymore
This is going to sound like a joke, but this short really highlights the importance of bathroom time without a phone. I have done some of my best problem solving in the shower or on the pooper lol
Thing is I can usually spot when I'm being manipulated. Unfortunately, I don't think my nonconfrontational wife can and even if I bring it up she just goes silent and tries to ignore, what seems obvious to me, is the problem. She doesn't set boundaries and let's people run over her.
Hmmm @Dr.K what would you advise for an separation anxiety from your own apartment? I always had this problem from childhood and it definitely blocks me out from doing stuff and after pandemic it got a little bit out of control.
"Money is manipulative. Either you like it or not, you'll do for it anyway. There's no space for recognition. Doesn't matter you like the job or not, doesn't matter if you like your product or not. If it sell, you'll do it."
The problem is when the induced emotions are from your parents...its too hard to not engage...and they will poke until you react to their speech...or taunt.... I konw I have to disengage...I have to take a deep breath...but they will why r u silent?u r not listening to me...say some thing... So where is the time to recognize?
Lol procrastinate. Got it 👍 But what to do if there's a parent screaming at you, they want it done right then & there. NOW. IMMEDIATELY. They scream. Guilt trip. Cause chaos or whatever to get what they want. How do you go about that manipulation? Leaving the house is a temporary solution. Cuz a hot mess will be waiting for you at home to come back. (ie for those who can't leave)
Baby steps, your ability to face your fear/fog will improve gradually. Although if that thing is legit the abusive source, consider turning your back permanently
Another good tip is avoid everyone, and everything. Just shut yourself down completely. Sure it's lonely, but at least you're not being manipulated. I would call that a win. Yes again it's lonely, but you need to remember. Nobody cares, not you, not your parents, not your friends or your siblings would ever care. If I had to choose being lonely (which is not that lonely), and being manipulated, I would choose being lonely. It prevents you from killing yourself and added bonus it prevents you from killing others. Detach yourself from almost everything and everyone and I guarantee you would be quite happy. I wouldn't say 100% happy, but a lot happier than most.
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
Full video: ruclips.net/video/gqwjBEf3znc/видео.html
Just came to say that this piece of advise probably helped me more than the last couple of Psys I've been to. "Separate your emotions from the action".
🎉 Put the link in the caption please. Links don’t work in comments on RUclips 🎉
@@danielfernandez3916 You can copy the link from description
Imagine being abused and getting told it's a normal relationship thing
💀
I said to my ex "you're scaring me right now" and he replied "I have been told I can be scary when I'm angry". He was angry anytime I voiced holding him accountable.
@@MsBhappyFor comparison, I've seen a situation where a person was angry at something and noticed their partner to be scared and they made lots of effort to soothe the partner and then left to be angry somewhere else.
@@MsBhappy Yep. I had one who tried to make you not feel cornered in an argument by sitting off to a side not blocking anything and being smaller than you but at the same time, without ever raising his voice, his tone and words were scary, and when told that, he would always say that he's not responsible for my discomfort. Like being uncomfortable is different than unsafe, which is true, but he would never acknowledge when it was more than uncomfortable. And get so mad at the mere thought of anyone saying he's unsafe. A safe person wouldn't get so mad trying to prove it.
"There's no space for recognition" is exactly it. When I'd voice my discomfort to my manipulative ex they would just dismiss it with "it's fine", very matter of fact. No amount of explanation or disapproval changed the response.
My ex said, "those feelings will go away eventually." How invalidating.
@@chrischickering1959 "well, why are they there in the first place?" you could've asked
@@chrischickering1959 These types of people don't understand or care about clear communication or exchange of ideas or emotions. All they care about is consequences. If you feeling bad has a negative consequence in their life, they'll care about how you feel. If it doesn't have a consequence they wouldn't give a flying f. The only way to get them to listen is to make them miserable.
Why “they”?
@@qwe-y5h Because anonymity and avoiding assumptions, just to name two
After 10 years being best friends with a narcissist, I am now immune to manipulation... It's too easy to spot when someone tries...
wow 10 years, i made it about 3-4 before I started realizing what being around them was doing to my mental health
I got whatcha mean. 7 years for me. I dont regret cause i make sure to take some good out of it with me . But the bad is overwhelming that with what i learnt can feel like it wasnt worth it.
I guess thats fine though, bad things happen to us all, we all gonna be taking it with us and learning till it affects us no more.
Keep winning people
1 yr for me and they backed out when I started to question more and paid less and less attention to them. They also found another target in which I gave a silently little prayer they wont last with that person for long. I sometimes still think about them, the child they had around that wasnt theres but was more or less grooming... thats what my instinct was telling me anyway I would react uncomfortably...
You buind up a solid radar and protective mechanism, a very manipulative person will also likely not even try as they have some kind of predatory behaviour so if you're not a prey, you won't even be bothered.
However, there is a vast amount of manipulative types and you're a human being, it's possible you end up being manipulated again and that's fine, I'm sure you're in a healthier relationship with yourself now and that it won't affect you the same anyway.
We can't be entirely protected from anything but the risk is decreased and the damages a lot more controled. Without bring paranoid that is, just more in tune with ourselves and others as well, and in my case at least, aware of my own biases ( the positive bias that this particular type of person couldn't be manipulative etc )
trust me the narc won. you have lost becuase your spending your energy to deflect all the time. when your old youll regret this.
So, procrastination. Got it, thanks Dr. K!
lmao
Yeah, literally. The ideal would be to know and have a clear head in the situation, but that's something to work to. When a manipulative personality dominates your life, being able to step away at all -- even if that's for a while -- is a good first step many of us don't realise we can take.
lol imagine if it turns out that procrastination is a defence mechanism against manipulation, the whole time xD
@@therealjordianolol it 100% can be
that's not what procrastination is. procrastination is avoiding what you need to be doing/want to do except and wasting opportunities for it
"Delay giving in to the emotion." Love this
I think this is great advice outside of someone trying to manipulate you, as well. Making decisions in a moment of frustration, anger or fear can have consequences we don't see in that moment when we're all up in those emotions.
Yes definitely. Which sadly, i suffered those consequences and i'm pretty sure someone has too.
Yeah. I have spent more money fixing a problem that I caused while in such a moment than I would have if I hadn't acted while in that state. For example, my broken childhood DSi. I tried to replace the charger port and not only failed but also damaged the backlight connector for the bottom screen.
"Can I Think For a Moment?" 💞
my problem is, I almost always take things too personally
so, I immediately give into my emotions
I needed this, thank you
Have you read the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? (About that taking things personally)
✌️
The recipient of your help will turn on you stating “I never asked you to” and feel guilt free that they used you. And they will never help you when it’s your turn. Make sure people actively ask you point blank. Or make them say yes or no by asking them if they want your help with this or if they want you to do that. Sometimes before people start ranting about their issue, ask them wait, do you want me to help you or listen? Do you want feedback? Of course, use your boundaries. If you don’t want to or feel like helping or listening, then don’t.
yes ! asking someone if they want ur advise before you give it. i’d they want to vent with no feedback respect this boundary
All we need is JUST PAUSE, DONT REACT .. That's how you get rid of manipulation
this is exactly how i handle panic attacks and decisions made in periods of high stress too, wait till ive calmed down before deciding if i really need to impulsively do smth my brain thinks will fix things right this moment but is actually a sloppy solution. great advice in many contexts!
Yep or even manipulated by a friend. Had that happened to me he never asked me but always planted that seed on my mind and created a scenario where I pretty had no choice but to feel bad not to buy this or pay for that learned it the hard way.
When I started to say no and not listen to my emotion directly but take a step back and think about what’s going on and not give in by guilt or otherwise when I confronted him the narrative change and we do not speak anymore.
lmfaoooo got them
What kind of things would he say?
A former boss of mine used to use the approach of forcing everything NOW! He’d lie, cheat, steal, bully, blackmail, scream and shout, and somehow the higher powers loved him.
Well that's only because he doesn't do those to the higher ups!
seems like a great guy
@@quangphan8996 he’s been sacked from two jobs since he left us, in as many years as it happens, and for the same reasons. I guess we make our own luck.
"Delay", very nice, ive both been manipulated and manipulated (really great place to learn how to not be manipulated if youre on the other end with thousands of varied responses from ur lil test subjects btw) and goddamn the best thing to do against it is delay your response, they (and I) cant stand that shit, whether you give in or not, if it takes 3-5 business days they're gonna go do business elsewhere
So much of the playbook is all about forcing that immediate decision, "offer ends in 5 hours! Get it while its hot!!"
I had an experience recently where I was exploited/manipulated. This is what I needed to hear today, I'm still feeling what I do a day later but I think I'll be okay as long as I avoid my vices. Tysm!!
Facts! "I never asked...I never ask for anything.."
Exactly, that's part of the problem 🙃
This should be taught in school. Social self-defense
I tried this and I’m grateful I did. I felt I was able to be clearer with how I spoke with someone.
You are exactly right, manipulation is driven by play on emotions. Had to learn it through some ordeals. That what makes empaths a treat to narcissists manipulators 😂
Dr. K you are clear. It is so refreshing to hear the truth. Whereas what passes for psychology most of the time is just a hall of mirrors.
I've been told I am manipulative, the thing is I get why, what was going on is that I wasn't able to speak what I clearly wanted because every time I expressed something negative, my partner's defensiveness would make me feel uncomfortable speaking, so I would hide to avoid ridicule/rejection, inducing emotions instead.
I like how he always makes gestures and expressions when talking 👍
sammmeee it always gets me haha
@@jehdsbs
I do that like constantly too, is inevitable 🤷
I know right? It feels very engaging
Not necessarily manipulation related but I'm currently working with my therapist of giving myself time in between an emotion and the belief behind that emotion and then the behavior (I usually knee-jerk react to things instead of allowing myself space to think about what's going on). It has helped soooo mucb but it has been incredibly difficult but I'm doing the work and slowly but surely will get there!!
Journaling (via computer for me because my handwriting is atrocious 😂 and my brain goes faster than my hand lol) and basically spilling aaallll the thoughts I'm having in the moment (or I'll write it down later) has been extremely helpful too! It's like writing a rough draft of all your thoughts, whether you're right or wrong, then going back and talking yourself through what's really going on.
So long story short, yeah give yourself space and a little time between the emotion, belief behind that emotion and lastly the behavior (your action regarding the feeling, etc.)!!!
❤❤❤❤
Wow this is eye-opening for what I'm dealing with right now with a co-worker. I've recognized him as a manipulator for a while now, but i haven't had the tools to deal with it. I will try this next week!
I had an incident at my work that made we want to quit, I had never been this furious at my coworkers and bosses before. I had never lost my composure around people who weren't my family, but I did at this moment. I gave myself time to distance myself from the situation, still considering leaving my job, but after a couple days and a clear head, I was able to weigh the pros and cons and decided to stay a my job. It is so incredibly helpful to give space and time to feel any and all emotions before making any serious (life changing) decisions. I wish most if not all situations were able to provide that time and space, but practicing this distancing has helped me tremendously.
It's good advice to resort to logic and calm thinking instead of emotions and wait till you are able to see things clearly. Helps a lot. But the manipulator/narcissist has ways to fight back when he realizes that simple emotional attacks/provocations stopped working. He also knows how to wait, but for the moments where you are unaware and vulnerable. Or even creates such situations. He plans it first and when he executes the action, you have very little time to react and realize this is the situation when you should delay decision. Only after the situation passes you know you have been manipulated again. At this point after multiple situations like this you end up constantly on alert and stressed because you never know what to expect and when. This is very energy demanding and stressful. Works for a while but then you end up drained and tired all the time, therefore more vulnerable. That's why "no contact" is so helpful.
Clear your head from thoughts or actions!
Just in case 👀
No procrastinating ❌
I just put down 3 paragraphs from this. Thank goodness for looping. I think this will help with my binge eating and addiction.
Good observation
Depends on if it’s physical or emotional. Being emotionally bound to someone is exhausting and I agree this has helped, just take time to really separate emotions from actions
“There’s no space for recognition.” Hit close to home after a friend’s spouse tried to justify hurting me because I’d backed out of a commitment to take care of myself. I gave a sincere apology for stuff I’d admittedly made mistakes on, but they didn’t return the favor. They didn’t even own they’d hurt me, or trying to offer ways to avoid the same problem moving forward, just finding multiple ways to say the same thing: “I think you’re beneath me and I think I deserve to hurt your feelings to get what I want.” The cherry on top was them suggesting I practice active communication, when they were doing the exact opposite by talking over me and refusing to listen, and form boundaries. So I did. I formed a boundary to not talk to them directly anymore and limit how often I see them. In true manipulative fashion they didn’t like that, I was “running away”. Funny how they only liked boundaries if it meant catering to their wants. 🙄
Bruh, I'm shocked at how they just straight up told you that in your face. They're completely wrong. You don't deserve to hurt. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness so keep going on with that self care!
The people that manipulated me made it always so subtle, never that clear. For example they'd apologise for hurting me by saying "oow I'm sorry _you_ feel this way. I'm sorry i made you feel like this" and now thinking about it, that's not even an apology lol. Just telling me you're sorry that i have uncomfortable feelings, that's not taking responsibility 😂 Yeah, mostly it was them never taking responsibility but shoving it over to me to fix it and once i got this is was gameover. Those people weren't cruel to me, they were kind but changed moods so many times. They were empathic, with a heart but unpredictable and it made me walk on egg shells everyday. They're good people with toxic behaviours and habits. I know why they're doing it so i don't blame them.
And mostly it was because i allowed them so. No boundaries, no self care because i thought i didn't deserve it. I treated myself very badly and ill-intentioned people saw this as a green light: if i do it myself, it can be used as an excuse to do that too. It's accepted, right? Exactly what this video said, detaching my thoughts and actions from the emotions, getting used to the "shame" because I'm not acting made my affection slowly go away. I'm now detached and healing! Wish you the same! 😊🥰
Yeah it's funny how they're never like "Oh wait a minute, I hurt you too!" No sir. Nope. That never fucking happens for some reason.
@@idt1 I should clarify, the spouse never directly said that, I was just spelling out what they were indirectly telling me. I kept getting the non-apology of “I’m sorry IF I hurt your feelings, but you deserved my honesty”. And multiple wordings that essentially spelled out that they thought I wasn’t deserving of their respect. Not to mention the passive aggressive statements they used like, “I could have badmouthed you behind your back but I didn’t” and “You could choose to ignore me I guess, I’m used to that”. It all just made me feel like they wanted a bigger, more emotional outburst from me, or for me to come crawling on my knees proclaiming their superiority and how “awful” I am and begging for forgiveness. It was extremely unexpected behavior from somebody I thought I could trust as a friend, but clearly they only saw me as their wife’s friend, not their own.
So, yeah, definitely taking a step back from that relationship to give myself space to heal without worrying someone is preparing to hurt me again if I don’t jump to do what they want.
@@EyeOfTheTiger777 exactly!!
@@starrnanigans6402 still, they attacked you and their actions and behaviour were crude. It was so cool how you managed to keep your cool and didn't give them the reaction they wanted to see.. You're strong even if it came from a friend! Now make this life about you, not about them ☺️ this person deserves to be anywhere but in your thoughts!
Plus, thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent + share my own experience ans opinions! Really needed it today ':D
This also works when you manipulate yourself
Bruh just summed up The Diamond Sutra
Indeed! People pressuring to make decisions on the spot know this too!
Let me sleep on it comes to mind lol
✌️
This made me realize I manipulate people when I want something because I don't have the self confidence to think I'm worthy enough to bluntly ask people for a favor
It’s worse when you have children because then you are forced to set an example that may or not be the best choice if you are in a space that you cannot separate yourself from little eyes and ears.
Remember that y’all. If you don’t want to be forced into that situation then keep yer field and seeds to yourself.
Very nice video - I like this point of separating emotion and action, and waiting till your head is clear before actually carrying out the action, as a way of keeping one's balance
These shorts are great, keep making these please!
My abuser makes the scenario urgent, like calling me and ask immediate help
I'm very sensitive to peoples feeling and intentions and I know when they tried to manipulate me. I take it very lightly though and I point out that they are trying to manipulate me and sometimes choose to allow them to have what they want.
Sometimes I think that it would be a pain to have me around because to me people around are like open books. 😂
Social manipulation is why I don't trust the social world. People who are good at being social look at everyone as a mark to be manipulated. Gaming is honest.
Its hard for people who are secure in their emotions and express them while still making the decision they trust in, despite the emotions, and they are gaslight that they are too emotional or stupid or immature etc
Some people express how they feel in the moment and know they are still making their decisions based on logic despite how they feel
This is pretty solid advice for a small portion of my life.
What if you're severely mentally ill, don't consistently function and can't process a lot of the information going on around you effectively for months too years ongoing?
Doctors.
All those this-ends-in-24-hours sales
Honestly this is a very good advice, there once i was not in the clear state of mind and i straight forward to do something which i regret it later
Have you made a video on how to get over the shame of dealing with realizing you were manipulated?
Great advice, but all I can think about is the angry parent who needs you to do those dishes NOW or all he'll will break lose
Thank you. 🙇🏻♀️
This is literally how marketing and media/government messaging works.
Thanks doc!
Hinting. Non-clear. entitlement.
Just dumped my gf because she was crying her eyes out because I offered my ex babysitting or a shoulder to cry on because her dad died (suddenly). she had to leave her state to come back here since her mother was in peices, not able to handle arrangements and her other family members are irresponsible. When I saw my ex turn off the tears after I agreed to not help her. It was the final straw.
literal pyschopath
Yikes.
Best advice yet. I appreciate this content
I had a nurse that was consistently inconsistent, negligent and would not separate problem from being a personal attack. A bully in management was cleaver and took her assumptions as facts and thereby instead of professionally building her, allowed patient care to suffer and when inquired about neglecting job responsibility leading to delay access to care she was so convincing that I’m making issues of nothing, contentious argument and voila she ran to the bully and I’m left disgusted, dehumanized, disgusted and without a job and a ton of anxiety and ptsd.
My cousin from India said “you have too much in your mind, you just need to go to an ashram and clear your mind, that’s all.”
I think I will, I try to ensure safety and quality and the negligent person stays and the doc gets mobbed, smear campaigned abject disease of despair. What a waste of intense hard work all to be lost to advocating for patients.
Interesting reaction format my dude 😂 have a good watch!
love this as always, Dr K.
Wow! Delay! So this is the magic word! Thank you
Very helpful, Dr. Thank you!
Doctor please tell us how do we remember in the heat of the moment to delay actions based off emotions?
This applies to all that commenting/reacting on TwitterX 😅
Sounds like my league of legends team
People get tired of telling you directly what you need to do, so they eventually just bust your feelings so you actually get angry enough to pay attention again.
This clip hit hard as I got tired of telling my ADHD teammate the same thing over-and-over-and-over again. So I used very harsh boundaries and the fact that I lost sleep over it (a game...) to make sure he understood my patience was wearing thin.
Sounds pretty toxic douwe
@@douwe425499% of the time it just tilts them into being angry and paying less attention, griefing or rage quitting. In-game is too late to be learning/teaching and applying new concepts, even if they were open to it. Most you can do is simple advice/suggestion like "push the wave in fast", "don't auto, freeze or slow-push" etc. Hopefully they care enough and understand what you mean and how to execute it.
@@bertcraft that’s league of legends
grass
Well spoken.
Thanks🕊
It wouldn’t be right to demonize all manipulators entirely. My mom uses manipulation a lot, and sometimes she tries to induce fear and extreme responses because she wants a quick result (usually for us to listen to her suggestions). And I notice she does it because she fears for us and wants the best for us even if her approach is unhealthy and problematic. So I explain to her what her words are trying to do to me, and that she is impatient for a result but neglecting the abuse and trust issues that develop in the long run. She listens and reflects. Of course, there are also manipulators with malicious intentions out there.
This is basically the advice my dad gave me
Thank you 🥺
This is true this "manipulation and inducing" thing by Facebook or any social media app is deleting my study hour plan every fucking time I'm not able to focus
thank you.
Ok. I need this before commenting on hot topics online with my friends.
As a manipulator myself; I find that people are wildly uncomfy with silence. I just give them a silent pause and they just start spilling the beans all on their own. Its hilarious
I do it, hardly and harshly. The thing is it's usually thinking about the best interest of the other person and I always see problems be them present or future.
How do I control my protective-manipulative drive?
Well my mum explicitly asks me for things😂 And then when I get her what she wants she is never satisfied. Even if she asked for it😂 I got her a silver bracelet that she wanted, and she lost it, I got her another one, and once during and argument, she told me that I never buy her anything nor give her any money. So I told her that I bought her the bracelet not once but twice. And she replied with “it’s only a silver bracelet, what kind of gift is this? Buy me something gold the next time”.
It gets REAL when your car breaks down, exorbitant cost to fix, so you show up at a used car dealership and ... more exorbitant cost
This one works for me , I ask myself "is this in my best interest? " is this good for me?
Majority of time's answer is no.
Damn man, this speaks to me
You are something ❤
They will not ask, they will imply... Playing on my emotions, guilt tripping, extortion of your emphaty ant sympathy, and compassion... F... it
I'm 64, and I have seen too much of this stinking games.. They better keep themselves far away from me, 2 meters of physical distance, 10 meters mental, emotional and other kinds of distance....
............... ( *words, that not to be used in your community)
I am done with them, done with them, I am done with them
I don't care anymore
This is going to sound like a joke, but this short really highlights the importance of bathroom time without a phone. I have done some of my best problem solving in the shower or on the pooper lol
Thing is I can usually spot when I'm being manipulated. Unfortunately, I don't think my nonconfrontational wife can and even if I bring it up she just goes silent and tries to ignore, what seems obvious to me, is the problem. She doesn't set boundaries and let's people run over her.
So true! Good technique
meditate on your actions so that you may act with wisdom
What about possible ruminations about the provocation?
Hmmm @Dr.K what would you advise for an separation anxiety from your own apartment? I always had this problem from childhood and it definitely blocks me out from doing stuff and after pandemic it got a little bit out of control.
"Money is manipulative. Either you like it or not, you'll do for it anyway. There's no space for recognition. Doesn't matter you like the job or not, doesn't matter if you like your product or not. If it sell, you'll do it."
That’s funny, because that’s pretty much how I’ve been doing things
Everage overthinker : hmm manipulation I can detect them
Boss: “Can you work a double shift today?”
Me, an intellectual: “Lemme wait until tomorrow to decide. I need to have a clear mind.”
Take a Power Nap, 20min naps fix most of my clouded heads or my tiredness. “Sleep on it” is a legit solution
The problem is when the induced emotions are from your parents...its too hard to not engage...and they will poke until you react to their speech...or taunt....
I konw I have to disengage...I have to take a deep breath...but they will why r u silent?u r not listening to me...say some thing...
So where is the time to recognize?
Nice helpful video
Lol procrastinate. Got it 👍
But what to do if there's a parent screaming at you, they want it done right then & there. NOW. IMMEDIATELY. They scream. Guilt trip. Cause chaos or whatever to get what they want. How do you go about that manipulation? Leaving the house is a temporary solution. Cuz a hot mess will be waiting for you at home to come back. (ie for those who can't leave)
I easily get manipulated! I'm just a sucker need a swift solution!!
i never have a clear head
I wish i heard this sooner...
What if clearing your head requires a week+? And everytime you return to that thing it clouds your mind again?
Baby steps, your ability to face your fear/fog will improve gradually.
Although if that thing is legit the abusive source, consider turning your back permanently
You are my favorite ❤
I always play dumb haha
I make manipulators exhausted by my dumbness😂😂
which video is this from? I'd like more context.
It's from the video linked in the pinned comment.
@@SimonClarkstoneBruh 💀
Another good tip is avoid everyone, and everything. Just shut yourself down completely. Sure it's lonely, but at least you're not being manipulated. I would call that a win. Yes again it's lonely, but you need to remember. Nobody cares, not you, not your parents, not your friends or your siblings would ever care.
If I had to choose being lonely (which is not that lonely), and being manipulated, I would choose being lonely. It prevents you from killing yourself and added bonus it prevents you from killing others. Detach yourself from almost everything and everyone and I guarantee you would be quite happy.
I wouldn't say 100% happy, but a lot happier than most.
After clearing the head is clear what to do?
More please…