are you a catfish?? 🐟 r/relationships
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
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I feel like OP in first story could have been more tactful in putting the onus on Josh, by saying "he's a fatphobic racist." Instead of "you're too fat and black for him" I know it's ultimately expressing the same facts but the two sentences have wildly different tones.
I agree. Telling her, hey this dude has said some really awful fatphobic and racist things, specifically about black people, are you sure you want to confess to him? Or something like that. Maybe it'd still be received in a bad way cause it's not what the friend wants to hear but it would not sound like you're racist yourself
i was gonna say she kinda was blaming tina not josh when josh is the one who's the shitty bigot and tina is just living
yeah i totally agree- i think that OP kinda made it about the fact tina is a POC and obese was the problem not that josh is a fatphobic, racist bigot
My mum told me a similar story to the first one. Her best friend (gonna call him Ron) got married to this guy and my mom knew that he was not a great person and was only gonna hurt Ron. Mom knew that Ron wasn’t gonna listen if she told him, so she stayed by his side through it all and let him figure it out. Years after he told her that he was grateful that she stuck by his side while others strongly opposed his and his ex’s relationship.
It can be really hard to see a loved one who is in pain, and to a certain level chooses to be. It's wonderfull your mother stuck to his side, I'm not sure I could do the same 🙈
I think this is fundamentally all you can do, sometimes people we love are locked into an idea, a goal, a career, whatever - that we can see is hurting, or will hurt them, but at the end of the day we have to respect their right to make bad decisions. It sounds like you Mum is a very wise person! If I were in the OP's situation I would apologise to my friend for "telling her" what she should, or shouldn't do, I would explain that I have hear her "interest" saying racist and body-shaming (not fatphobic) things about other young women and that I panicked fearing him using her affection to hurt her. I'd say that I was wrong to do that because she is a strong, intelligent, confident, and kind person who knows what is best for her, and that - if she is willing to allow me - I would like to stand by her side whatever she chooses to do.
i don't think saying "sweetie, i have concerns about your crush on Josh/Ron etc" is wrong. But ask them if they wants my opinion (if not, cease), and say it once. Then be their friend, but you don't have to stick around too closely if you can't stand how toxic the relationship is. You can still be friends while refusing to engage with the relationship drama!
At the same time I find it very sweet of your mother, I also think it must have been hell for her. Her friend willingly thrust himself into a bad relationship with a bad person, and she had to just "stick it out". I've had a friend who had an abusive boyfriend. I told her straight up I hated what he was doing to her and he was a pos. She would acknowledge it one day and backpedal the other. I was still there for her. But I never let her believe I condoned the relationship and how she was throwing herself away for him. They were together for 2.5 years, and she finally realized she couldn't go on when, after one too many break-ups/make-ups between them, she felt the need to literally and physically HIDE from me in a shopping mall where I happened to be on one of their date nights. That moment, when she saw how embarrassed she was from being with him AGAIN after telling me "it was finally over" (as many times before), was when she decided it had to be (as she told me later on).
I know different people need different kinds of support, but I also think nobody should be put in a situation where the self-destructive friend just insists on making the bad choice and anyone who points out the truth is condemned (which I was at some points in that process, which did in fact damage our friendship).
Okay. so, I've always maintained that it's harmful to push the idea that once you enter into a monogamous relationship you'll never find anyone else attractive ever again, and that if you do, if you develop crushes or even feelings for someone who's not your monogamous partner, you should leave that partner because you clearly don't love them. This mentality caused a close friend of mine to end up in some really crappy situations and experience intense inner turmoil when they were younger. We need to start teaching people that our ability to find others attractive doesn't magically vanish the moment you end up in a monogamous relationship. If that's the way it works for one person, that's great and all, more power to them. But we need to stop pushing the narrative that that's the ONLY acceptable way to feel or else you're somehow immoral or cheating or some shit.
thanks for sharing! x
the last story: I do think she should tell him. not because I think it's cheating because I really don't, but because it is clearly weighing very heavily on their mind. and if their relationship is strong, they will overcome it, especially considering nothing physically happened.
I agree with this. What OP described didn't sound like an emotional affair, and certainly not a physical one, but having a secret between them will weigh on the relationship.
That last one was a good reminder that even people in monogamous relationships should discuss those sorts of relationship boundaries.
Yes, everyone has their own comfort level. For me, the light flirting and long walks & talks would be fine. Secret texting feels over the line for me.
the first one sounds like a potentially dangerous situation for OP's friend and their friend group cutting OP out and saying she's being bigoted are being wilfully ignorant of the danger Tina is in by confessing a crush on the alt-right guy who could become violent potentially...
this 👏woman 👏deserves 👏more 👏views
I'm not a fan of clapping for emphasis, but I agree with your message. It's too bad I can only subscribe once.
I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years now. We have never fought, we have disagreed and talked about where each other is coming from. He helps me understand his point of view and how his brain processes things. I have explained to him how my brain works and how my trauma (I am a rape victim) has affected it and we both listen and ask a lot of questions if we don't understand. So that is my advice to everyone: Listen and please don't be afraid to ask your partner questions. Even if you have to ask repeated times, your partner will understand and appreciate it :3
communication is key babbyyyy, thanks for sharing x
Yesss, this is relationship goals
✨Communication and listening ✨
I'm a sexual harassment victim, like have been physically assaulted and groped at in public to the point of tears
So it helps me know that others like yourself are sharing your stories
I love your thoughts about the last one. Jealousy in relationships can be so toxic and hurtful to all involved, but equally you need to know the boundaries you both agree on. Attraction isn’t cheating, it’s very normal to feel attracted in varying ways to other people! But 100% don’t act on those feelings if you’re monogamous, and even if you’re poly you still need to discuss the boundaries.
I’m a woman who’s dated online. I also happen to be 5’11 3/4”. You would not believe how common it is for guys to lie about their height, and then get reallllly insecure about me being the same height as or taller than them. Like I’ve met up with guys who said they were 6’ but yet I was half a head taller than. I don’t have strong feelings about partner’s height but I know it can be a deal breaker for some guys…
It's so funny to me that people lie about height when it is so easily disproven the instant you meet in person. An inch or two you might sometimes get away with, but half a foot or an entire head shorter than they claim? You'd think they would at least "correct" themselves before the meetup so as to not look like a complete buffoon, but by that point they've probably forgotten that they lied about it in the first place.
I've had friends who were DEADSET on having a boyfriend taller than them, but I never really cared. Even if I did care, I doubt I'd be able to find a man shorter than me XD I'm 5'01''
@@RosyKitteh I used to think if I ever dated a guy he’d be taller… but that was just nonsense that I absorbed from societal norms. I actually hate people being taller than me in my day to day(I get jealous of other people’s height easily), so I shouldn’t have been surprised that I ended up with a boyfriend 1 inch shorter and that I love it.
also, being close in height means we can share clothes! my wardrobe is 2x bigger now just by living with him.
@@pheonixrises11 oh, yeah! that's a plus. But actually height is probably the last thing I would care about if dating online. I mean I would be surprised if they were shorter than me, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker
I'm 6' F too and despite having no dating experience, I know just from social interactions how egotistical most men are with their height, and always having to be the tallest in a relationship or situation where it's them and other people. My height being a factor of disgust for men is actually helpful, because it immediately weeds out the judgemental ones I would never see myself with if it was a pattern of spoken criticism from them towards someone else. Also, I don't even necessarily like men, but the few instances where I have developed some type of attraction to them, literally and statistically, they're all shorter than or equal to me. Shorter men often aren't uncomfortable around me and just give off preliminary good vibes, and so I only really see attraction to men who are shorter. I think it's just the dominance thing that's societally tied to height, in which my stature can control the personalities I attract based off of whether they benefit from height-related power structures or not. It's a cool social experiment!
Shaaba, I appreciate your perspective so much. I'm on the ace spectrum as a demisexual agender person, and I am with a allosexual cis man. He and I have very different experiences with attraction, and I find watching your videos makes it easier somehow for me to process the idea of attraction outside of a connection. Just joined the channel as a member, looking forward to being a part of your journey!
Hey! A fellow asexual! :D I personally have never been in a relationship, but I often wonder what it would be like to have a partner who has the possibility of feeling attraction towards other people. I like to think I wouldn't be the jealous, overprotective girlfriend type, but I dunno. As a single person, I'm open for anyone, but once I'm in a relationship, I feel like I would be totally dedicated to my partner and might never even look at anyone besides them. And I don't know how I would deal with *them* looking at other people. It's just really difficult for me to picture
@@RosyKitteh omg yes same
I know you think your hair is too dark but I think you look beautiful with it this color too ❤️
I am a flirty person and am going to reflect how I communicate that to my partner. I have felt attraction for other people before during a relationship but haven't acted on it but it still felt like cheating. Nice to hear your thoughts on that matter
This is really unrelated but i did want to say that meeting someone from an online relationship can be so awesome. I met my girlfriend of almost a year online irl a week ago and it was amazing. She was her just better and cool and cuter. I literally have nothing bad to say, i miss every moment. I do think that you should show your body (not naked ofc, but yes just you in your daily outfit a few times) before meeting up and also talk about what kind of phisical stuff you are interested in (for example, me and my girlfriend are both really clingy and are into... Similar stuff..)
Awww, congrats! I'm glad everything is working out for you
so glad this has been a great experience for you, thanks for sharing! x
@@shaaba awww, thank you shaaba!
Last story.. I'm a little bit on the fence. I consider what she did being emotionally unfaithful but.... Given the length of time that it lasted and how long it's been since.. it's hard to pass judgement especially since she was still so young and receiving pressure from those closest to her.
I do think she should tell her partner before they make things forever (frankly she should have told him 5 years ago) but she needs to understand that this may change the way that partner feels about them.. if not in the present at least it may color the way they think back on their memories of that time. It might actually be really validating to the partner considering you can usually tell when the other person is drifting away (especially in a long term relationship like this) it might put some puzzle pieces together for them. And who knows maybe their partner had similar experiences and this is a chance for them to clear the air.. but yeah it's possible it will change things.
love this take, thanks for sharing! x
As for the last one I totally agree. But I'd like to add that being secure in your relationship takes time. So if your partner isn't ok with you flirting with other people. especially at the beginning you shouldn't. Relationships have to taken case by case. And there's nothing wrong with being insecure. Or with how long it may take you to become secure.
love this take and very true - I imagine I wouldn't be as secure in the very early stage of my relationship, thanks for sharing! x
@@shaaba thank you for responding I'm totally star struck that one of my favorite RUclipsrs responded to me💕
Had a mild disagreement with the spouse about that last one! They think that, in an open and communicative relationship, OP should use the boyfriend as a sounding-board to work through her feelings about it; my thought was that the way OP worded it made me think that she'd likely treat this like an emotional affair, and could potentially "confess" to it in that way, potentially risking that relationship. idk.
Yeah, it's difficult to say. I personally would probably try to relay the story in a joking way and might offend my partner who would probably take it far more seriously o.o'
probably not a very helpful thing to say, but it sounds like you're both right!
two great takes, and I hope talking about it together helped you both explore your communication preferences (: x
I know what you mean. I think before she tells her partner something like that she needs to think about exactly why she wants to tell him. I think the reasons Shaaba talks about are really sound, but I have also seen people bring things up that are really hurtful just to make themselves feel better.
For the online dating one, I would say give it a little time. My partner and I have always had a great emotional relationship. I have always thought he is handsome but it took a while to feel physical attraction with him. As we grew closer emotionally, I did eventually start to feel that way. I never really mentioned it to him, because he was fine with taking things slow anyway. So you can give it a little time and focus on growing another dimension of your relationship, or have an honest discussion about your feelings. It's entirely possible to love someone and have a relationship that isn't very physical!
For the second one, I would personally NOT mention the weight issue with the boyfriend. More likely than not he is insecure about it and it isn't a kind or necessary detail to say "I'm not attracted to you because you're overweight." If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, no need to justify it. But also, I would really give it time. I am also in a relationship where we began dating online and months later met in person. It can take time to match up the person you fell in love with online fully with the person in front of you. If they're really wanting to make things work, it might take a trial period to let the attraction click onto place.
Even if they do end up friend zoning him, they could also offer to buy them a gym membership and/or help them to lose weight. That way he wouldn't have to lie when he tries online dating again in the future
@@RosyKitteh As a former overweight person, I would have taken paying for a membership as an insult, except if I had expressed a desire to go to to the gym hindered by financial issues. The choice has to come from the person and someone buying them a membership could definitely be taken as intrusive and judgemental.
@@TH2714 yeah, I thought about that before I commented. But you know what I mean. That could have been the start of a nice friendship
I think calling it cheating is harsh, but the fact that they felt the need to delete the messages was really wrong. Maybe it wasn't physical cheating but intimate. Being intimate with someone doesn't have to be physically...
I'm feeling icky... I don't like it 🚩
The lighter foundation 😰
Friends have a loving outside perspective that can be really useful, but people have to make their own mistakes too. Such a fine line to walk 🥰
I appreciate your honesty and sentiment in these vids xx
love this take, thanks for sharing! x
13:36 I think it was a lesson well learned. If it had gone too far, it would have been a mistake, but OP was lucky not to have gone that far. I, personally, would've told my partner about it ("one time I felt myself falling in love with someone who wasn't you, but I was able to wake up and realise it was wrong before it went to far") but it's probably not dire to do so.
I don't think the OP needs to bring up the time she kinda flirted with and had not terribly deep convos outside class for two months over 5 years ago. I think she assigned more to it than it was - in terms of deleting the texts at the time and now in thinking back - and frankly, the insistence that it was so terribly wrong had me kind of side-eying things. I don't condone acting in a shady way, and I definitely think it was a phase back then and not a long one. But in the end, it was innocent flirting and it passed and she grew and learned about herself and gained confidence. But it feels like (and yes, I'm reading far into it) that the partner may be insisting on that sort of 'only me' attitude and if that is what is informing her incredible guilt over nothing much, it's red flag for me. I dunno, her immense guilt over something really mild stood out to me negatively.
For the first one, I would say to the girl 'The guy is toxic. You are an amazing person, but no matter how amazing you are the guy is always going to be toxic and you're going to get hurt. Even if knowing that you still want to give it a go, I'll stand by you but you need to know my feelings on the matter. I will always support you, but I will never approve of him.'
this is great x
I love this series of videos Shaaba! Your thoughts are absorbing and make for a really relaxing 15 minutes. I would definitely watch a longer-form version of 30-40 minutes. Best wishes for your weddingxx
My issue with the last one is OP hid it while it was happening and then for an additional 5 years. That would be a big problem for me. Always be honest and the sooner, the better
Came from Jamie's channel, stayed here because its cosy 😊
Same
🥺🥺
I kinda disagree to a point re the last story (OP who was secretly flirting 5yrs before), though that's because of a recent experience of mine.
I had a flirty relationship with someone, and both of us were in polyamorous (not monogamous) relationships when it started - but it turned out that they had mislead me about their partner knowing about and being okay with us flirting. That put me in the position of being "the other woman"/the person with whom they were cheating on their partner, which was not okay.
Relationship boundaries should be communicated, rather than intuitive. Shaaba and Jamie have communicated about being flirty with others, so that activity is not cheating for their relationship; for others, it might be. My partner and I are not exclusive, so it's not inherently cheating if they kiss or are otherwise intimate with someone else - but because I have communicated my boundary about wanting to know about it (just the who, not what they do) and my partner has agreed to honour that, it WOULD be cheating if they concealed that action from me.
I think what OP did is understandable, given their age and situation; but it also sounds like they are and were aware that their actions were crossing boundaries or understandings with their partner, and that makes it cheating. They need to own up to this and to support their partner through any feelings they might have about it, and if they can work through that together, their relationship (and planned marriage) will be stronger for it.
My wife and I are both pan we long ago agreed to point hot people to each other if we’re out
it's such a fun pasttime honestly other couples are missing out :P x
Such a rollercoaster of emotions! Started not liking the first op now I'm a fan of op's reflection skills and consideration
right! x
I really needed that last talk cause I LOVE my partner but sometimes my hopeless romantic ass reads into things that other people do and I start to have "crushes" on them, I never act on them or flirt, but I always felt like I was "cheating" for even looking at other people because past relationships said that it was.
I love friendships where you can flirt with each other I do it all the time it’s how I show my love
For the catfish one, I would say it's fine to not find someone physically attractive. I'm ace and with my boyfriend we had to work through how I wasn't attracted to him, and ultimately that didn't matter because we still loved each other. Idk if it's different for the OP of that post since they're (presumably) allo though.
Also hi! I found your videos recently and binged a bunch, they're great :)
In regards to the last story, i agree 100% with what you said. It bothers me that the concept of ‘emotional cheating’ has been such a hot topic in recent years because I think people consider everything emotional cheating. Like sure, if you’re in a relationship with someone, it would be upsetting to find out they had a crush on someone else, but I don’t think it’s actually cheating unless there is an action taken, like going on dates, or being physically affectionate in a way that is reserved for your partner (kissing, sex, etc). Otherwise, it is just a testament to how faithful you are to your partner that you didn’t act on these feelings, despite having them.
That said, I do think that the play-flirting is pushing a boundary a little, especially since OP felt the need to hide it from her partner, but ultimately OP made the right choice
That first one is sketchy. Like I get the friend group is trying to keep everything positive and that OP worded everything wrong but they're potentially setting the poor girl up for embarrassment or ridicule by a guy who seems to be a bully, potentially racist and misogynistic.
Why are they supporting that relationship in the first place? It feels like toxic positivity.
Hi shaaba! Congratulations on getting married soon! I hope it all goes well :)
eee thank you, have a beautiful day x
yes lying about your height would put me off wanting to start a relationship with someone..I mean surely this guy woudl realise that when this girl saw him IRL she would realise that he is not 5'11 5'6 and 5'11 is a huge difference in height
Your voice is always so smooth and soft Shaaba, even when you’re mad lol. Love listening to it always.
Catfish one: OP should give it a few days. It might just be jarring to her brain trying mentally to attach the person she loves to the person she's seeing. This happens to me whenever my boyfriend shaves! I do prefer facial hair, but when he shaves it's not just "aw I preferred the beard" it's my brain going "um hello this cannot possibly be *my* love, who is this person????" lol it goes away in a couple days for me^^
About the last one, and how you feel about finding other people attractive...for Demi sexual like myself it's a little more nuanced than it being an insecurity with my current relationship. The way that my brain is wired due to my sexuality, is that I can only see one person as attractive at a time. This doesn't mean that I can't recognize objectives physical attributes being attractive, but it's no different than if I were looking at a Barbie doll or a cute dog.
I have trauma surrounding previous partners with wandering eyes even if they didn't act on it. So I prefer to date other Demi sexuals like myself so that I know that I am the only one that they find sexually attractive. To me it is a weird thought to be able to look at someone and you think that you would want to do something with them or that you could have a potential future with that person if you were not with your current person. Because I'm not wired that way. I like to say that I'm wired monogamous, and don't have the mental ability to be attracted to more than one person at a time.
I should clarify that I don't think Poly amorous people are wrong or bad. I think it's a spectrum just like gender and sexuality, and it's all about how your brain is wired. Me being monogamous does not make me selfish. A poly person having more than one partner does not make them greedy. Neither is wrong. So my wanting my partner to only look at my me isn't controlling, because I pay them the same courtesy.
These are also things that I discuss at the beginning of the relationship so they know my boundaries, and can give me theirs. Communication is the cement of the foundation of a relationship. Trust is the base that sits on it.
I am also demisexual and currently in a relationship with a polyamorous person. We've had our share of ups and downs. For a while I felt guilty about not being as interested in sex (even though I'm attracted to him sexually, sex is not as important to me as it is to him) and I told him I could handle him being in sexual relationships with other people. In reality, it required me to deal with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy, but we got through it. As a part of that process he encouraged me to try and date other people. I found myself talking about him the entire date. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I loved him, and wanted him to be able to express every part of him. But I just don't have the capacity to love anyone else, or feel sexually attracted to anyone, while being in a relationship with him. And just like I had to accept his polyamory he had to respect that I was monogamous.
@@Sophia048 That is a very healthy way to go about it. Granted, if him having sex with other people makes YOU uncomfortable, you don't have to "deal with" him being poly. That isn't fair to you. PLEASE don't sacrifice your own important feelings just to make someone else comfortable, that isn't healthy in any context, and can breed resentment. You are not being controlling if you require that, I promise!
If you are okay with him having more than one romantic/sexual partner, while you are okay just being with him, then that's great. Some people who are mono don't mind if they have Poly partners, and that is perfectly normal too.
BUT
If you feel like it's just something you "Need to deal with, because he's Poly and you're not" then you might need to sit down and have a very important conversation.
Being Poly isn't wrong. Being Mono isn't wrong. Whats wrong, is when a Poly person refuses to respect the monogamous person's need for monogamy if that is a need. If it's not a need, then that's okay, but if it is, their sexuality should never trump your sexuality or personal requirements.
For me, in the last one they were in the wrong. Flirting isn’t really wrong as some people do have flirty personalities. But they hid it & lied about it meaning they knew it was wrong & they were having wrong feelins (ie. More than simple flirting) not just for the 2 months it happened but in the years since.
I’m going to admit I’m very aggressively passionate when it comes to honesty; I don’t like lies at all, so this is partially why I feel thing way. But I’ve been with my one & only partner for 10 year, since I was 18 & he was 19, we moved in together after 3 months & no matter anyone else’s opinion nothing would have affected our decision in doing so.
I agree they should tell their partner now, even just to stop it weighing on their heart, but still feel they were definitely in the wrong for doing it & lying about it for so long.
Ngl, I want longer vids of this, they always feel too short
Shaaba you are amazing! I aspire to be like you. You're smart, beautiful, fair and calm and collected. I need to work on my social skills. You're my inspiration! I used to be really suseptible to a man saying to me, "I'm the only one you should look at. I'm the one who tells you what to do. You're with me." IDK I fed into it. I thought it was ok. Then last year I woke up. Something clicked! I need to change. This isn't it. I now like much more vulnerable conversations about how everyone really feels. I think there's multiple answers not just one right person for you. There are roads you can go down. It doesn't have to be one path forever if you don't want to.
IMMEDIATELY after you paused when reading the first title, a curology commercial popped up saying "let me tell you guys how I changed my skin from this...to this." They were showing before and after shots of acne-covered skin and clear skin but the coincidence and timing was so funny I had to share
The second one I can, at least somewhat, relate to. My first boyfriend was mostly a long distance relationship. We Skyped often and talked on the phone nearly every day. I definitely thought I was in love with him. (This was in my senior year of high school)
That summer, I went with my mom to go visit him in his hometown for a couple weeks, and we were able to meet in person for the first time.
However, in my scenario, there wasn’t anything physically about him that was unexpected or anything. He was about the same height, weight, etc. that I figured he would be. There was no catfishing or lying.
Even so, I realized when we first kissed that I just didn’t feel anything towards him, in a physical sense. There was just no spark on my end. I still liked him as a person, but I was genuinely so sad, disappointed, and honestly guilty that I just basically wanted to hang out as friends.
(I now know that I’m actually Asexual, and I really wish I knew that earlier in life, so I could have possibly approached things with more tempered and realistic expectations. 😓)
🥳 How exciting your big day will soon be here! Sending positive wedding vibes! Omg can't wait to see your wedding dress and hair! Also, I love all content but I definitely enjoy your views and advice on relationships 🎉 If you can could you maybe do a video on the new trend of platonic life partners? Best friends marrying to raise their kids or just be together for the benefits of marriage or to even move in together and not alone for life. I just saw a news story on ABC News and loved it! It got me debating about my bestie lol. We've joked about it in the past 😅
I would love to see photos/videos from the wedding! Good luck, I'm sure this is a very exciting time 🥰
absolutely, will share lots when we get photos etc back! x
the first person idk i think they should have said something like 'josh holds some pretty bigoted opinions and i think you are worth more than that, i get he is attractive but his personality is vomit - i just want you to be safe' and that's not shaming tina that's saying josh is a pile of shit and not worth your effort without the weird undertones that how op put it came across
to the last one: as a partner, i would make me even feel very good: 1. it was a long time ago and nothing happened, 2. my partner trusts me enough to tell me about it, which supports trust, 3. my partner actually willingly and consciously chose me in a situation when they could have cheated, and were even encouraged to play thw field and instead it made them realize how important i (and our relationship) is to them, so they even grew and made our connection stronger _because they chose so_. so basically very reaffirming i believe 🤷♀️
When the second OP said he “definitely isn’t healthy” I cringed. Weight doesn’t equal health and you can’t tell someone’s health by looking at them. Also health is relative and being unhealthy doesn’t define your worth either. Disable fat people exist
Thanks!love your content & videos Shaaba!!!😊
🥹 thank you so much for your kind words and support! have a great week ✨
Me: 🙁
Shaaba: Hi, Peaches!
Me: 🙂
Yay! Finally Wedding Time! CONGRATS!!! 🤗🤗🤗
I do think intentional flirting is cheating, of an emotional variety. Playful flirting is fine since it has no intent. But flirting with intent crosses a line. That said I can also understand where the OP was coming from. You can't control you're feelings but you do control your actions. I hope the couple were able to talk about it maturely and move past it.
I always love when you upload Shaaba!
Completely off topic, the color of your hair reminds me of cotton candy :)
First story: I completely feel the same way, and also that sometimes we need to pick our battles. It's so hard to let people learn on their own when we care about them though 🤔
I'm curious about more people who have been with someone who has transitioned during a long-term relationship. I've been with my partner for almost 18 years, and after my transition, I've grown apart from them, and they're trying to pretend I haven't changed at all, but still I see the looks in their eyes that they don't like what they see any more (they're not attracted to me in the same physical way as they used to be) I'd really like to see/know if anyone else out there has had this experience and what might have come of their situations?
Thank you Shaaba, this is a good topic to add to the mix! 😃
I kinda wish we had a word to differentiate between platonic flirting with friends and flirting "with intent", so to speak. Like, no, I would not have a problem with my husband making "thats what she said" jokes and other ribald or inuendo driven jokes with his friends, BUT if he was touching the base of his friend back the way he does with me or sharing the sort of comments we do when we want to signal its time for some bedtime fun? That I would have a problem with. Because I think there is a very specific kind of flirting that goes on between people in a relationship that is distinct in both form and intent from that kind of flirting between friends, and so while I don't think flirting on the whole with people outside of your relationship is inherently harmful, I do think we should leave space for the fact that not all flirting outside of a relationship is harmless fun and that being ok generally with your partner flirting with others does not translate to being ok with the specific way that your partner was flirting.
The second one. I'm asexual and aren't attracted to people. Love and attraction aren't the same thing. If you're in love, you're in love. But, OP probably isn't asexual and sexual attraction clearly means something to them. I've personally always thought height was a weird thing to care about, and it's kinda sad that he felt the need to lie about it. But he shouldn't have lied, but height shouldn't matter much anyways
congrats! I hope you have a great time at your wedding ✨✨✨✨
It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home
great metaphor! x
The last one in my opinion was nothing. They talked, so what? Like Shaaba said, a relationship shouldn't be like "never look at another person ever again".
Congrats! Have a great wedding!
This was really fun! Thanks Shaaba
thank YOU for watching! x
Re: is it cheating?/should I tell him? I agree with almost everything you said. My one point is that OP clearly says thus is cheating within the bounds of their relationship. While I personally think your take on monogamy is a more practical and probably a more longevitous one, in a world where we are accepting various forms of polyam and monogamous relationships as all valid, we have to be open to monogamous couples setting their own boundaries too. From the way OP states it, it sounds possible that they had or have since then set specific boundaries about what their monogamy looks like. If that's the case, I think it's important to bring it up and discuss the transgression. If they had boundaries discussion and it's within their boundaries, then it's up to OP and I think you're right that it will likely bring them closer. If they haven't clearly defined those boundaries, maybe telling their partner should initiate a conversation about what their boundaries are.
I can’t handle the girl with the guy who’s shorter than he said and heavier than she expected. (As a fat person, what I call fat isn’t what a skinny person would call fat. Too many people who gain ten pounds and freak about how FAT they are think they get to commiserate with my sometimes-300-lb ass? Step aside.)
Her BS concern for his “health” can go away. Not attracted to him? FINE. But don’t try to make yourself seem NOBLE because you’ve decided you’re a doctor all of a sudden.
Yah I know I feel rely self controls about my wate even thoe my entire friend groop is larger then me in every detention do to the fact that I an askonozy Jew and have the time Jean poll being 11 kinda sucks sometimes
"I'm not fatshaming"
"his weight would not be considered healthy"
girl that's literally fatshaming, she doesn't know what his health is like and you really can't tell from looking at someone's size 😬
Edit to say that it's fine for her to not be attracted to him, you really can't choose who you're attracted to and he did lie about his height
It's okay to have dating preferences though
The new shade of pink looks fab on you.
hi! i love your videos!
thank you cutie! 🥺 x
The person from the first story needs to find a better friend group, what kind of friends immediately gang up and stop talking to someone without even getting their side of the story?
Re the OP with the flirty texts.... They absolutely need to tell their partner. Not because it'll be strictly cathartic, but ..... Well, I've learned through the years that everyone is wired differently for their sexual attraction, desires, expectations, and gratifications. I know, obvious right? But it's not. We each approach the world from precisely one viewpoint: our own. The reason I want OP to discuss this with the partner is because OP sounds like they've really just drunk from the Firehose of Social Expectations (tm). And that is 100% NOT where anyone should be. Ever. Sure, some pieces of social expectations/acceptance are shared with most others. But monogamy is VERY tricky because everyone has different definitions of everything. So, OP telling the partner is all about both building the lines/bridges of communication, but also helping to explore each other's unwritten, unstated expectations. OP is feeling guilty because a flirty guy sent flirty texts and because they ***gasp*** sat and talked together. It's almost like OP actually expects there to be some requirement that they will never have friends again other than their partner, unless it's a shared friend with the partner. And ....... well, I'd personally never sanction that in a relationship with me. And I'm a kinky fucking perv. But this will definitely help partner understand the OP's feelings better.
Because how badly would OP melt down if they caught or were shown some humorous, flirty messages sent to the partner without their direct approval. If they've held in this 'secret' so long, it'll have festered and metastasized into something so massive, and it will absolutely floor the partner that OP is getting all weird over a couple of texts that meant nothing to the partner.
I think with that first story, she should have said hey I've heard that guy say xxxx and I don't think he's a good person. We should stay away from him. Rather than make it about the friend's weight or skin, make it about that guy's personality.
First! shaaba you're amazing
The wedding is starting?!
The last one is a no brainer.
Nothing happened past talking and a litle flirting.
So telling your partner that for a short period of time earlyin their relationship they were attracted to someone else. It's perfectly normal, were not robots.
The only time its an issue, is if something happens. But if you want to tell them it shouldnt effect your relationship, it may even make it stronger because you chose your partner over your crush. That says a lot.
I don't think it was cheating to flirt with someone else, but I do think it crossed a boundary. This isn't an innocent joke-flirtation that you both know will never lead anywhere. Nothing physical happened but the potential was there. She did more than find someone attractive, she acted on it by texting them and hanging out with them. Ultimately I don't think it was that bad but I do think she should tell her partner. If it's a deal breaker for them (and hopefully not), better to find out now than build a marriage on falsehood.
Im so curious on your wedding day and would love to find out because my wedding is also in October and I’m really curious when your special day is 😊
In the first story.....WHY ARE ALL OP'S FRIENDS ON JOSH'S SIDE!?
He sounds like a horrible person!
Josh is the AH for being a racist.
I sometimes feel like these stories(?) are missing a second opinion.
2:30 i feel like the title (& conversation) is worded really wrong.
There's a difference between "don't ask him out because you are Black & fat" and "don't ask him out because he's a racist and fatshaming piece of work". Because the latter is the reason, not the fact that she is fat or Black. Phrasing it this way makes it feel like she's the problem.
Which is not true.
My white sister broke up with her white boyfriend when she heard him say some messed up racist things.
Because you shouldn't date a racist fatshaming asshole, no matter how thin & white you are.
Why are you terrified?
❤
trans·con·ti·nen·tal
especially of a railroad line) crossing a continent.
noun
CANADIAN
a transcontinental railroad or train.