Autistic masking | how I developed my mask and my unmasking process
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 28 июн 2024
- I started masking my autism at a very young age partly due to the fact that I went undiagnosed. As I got older I started to mask more and more. It started with small things that my parents yelled at me for but then it turned into things I was bullied for or things adults gave me weird looks for or things I saw as different. Masking is a coping strategy developed from trauma and being autistic in this world is incredibly traumatizing. Now it has been two years sense getting diagnosed and trying to learn now to unmask and be comfortable in my own identity.
TIME STAMPS
00:00 - 01:11 Embarrassment from masking
01:12 - 02:15 Masking as a trauma response
02:16 - 03:35 Masking my communication
03:36 - 04:12 Masking my eye contact
04:13 - 05:54 Getting rewarded for masking
05:55 - 08:04 Limerence
08:05 - 10:15 Masking my personality
10:16 - 11:15 Disliking the person I became
11:16 - 12:43 Identity crisis
12:44 - 14:05 Becoming more autistic as I unmasked
14:06 - 16:57 Unmasking is weird
16:58 - 17:32 Outro
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Instagram / morgaanfoley
Tiktok / morgaanfoley
For all business inquiries please email me at autismidentity01@gmail.com
LINKS AND DISCOUNT CODES
Amazon Storefront www.amazon.com/shop/morgaanfoley
Stimmagz Discount Code stimara.com/collections/all?r...
Loop Earplugs Code bit.ly/3snhgWM
ABOUT ME
Hello, for those of you that dont know me my name is Morgan. I am a 22 year old late diagnosed autistic ADHDer from Massachusetts. I am sharing my life on social media in an effort to advocate for autism awareness and break down the stigma surrounding autism and ADHD. I mostly talk about neurodivergent stuff but I also make lifestyle and travel content.
Dude, masking is the most mentally exhausting thing a person can do. Having my own space now to be who I am is so freeing :)
💯 I'm in respite right now with burnout from it. Especially not being able to unmask at home without sanction. It's exhausting demoralising and dangerous. I'm lucky to be able to get a few days break.
I understand that identity crisis. When you become aware that you are Autistic, it's like you become a teenager all over again. You go through that period of self discovery that neurotypical people normally do through in their teenager. I was found out I was Autistic at 41, and I am still going through that process and truly discovering who I am as a person.
Sounds like you are on a path to finding more peace in your life. 💯💗❤👌
I am 61 years old and you make more sense to me than 99.9% of any human I have ever known. You explained autism beautifully as well as the trauma that masking/unmasking involves. This video goes to the top of my favorites.
I am 62 years alive. I too find a lot of sense in what Morgan says. I was diagnosed autistic at 59.
I agree. Morgan’s experience of autism is uncannily similar to mine. She does a great job explaining and humanizing it.
when you spoke about masking and said “i know that i physically can’t but im expected to be able to”, that never hit so hard. as a late diagnosed autistic female (assigned at birth), i battle this every day. thank you for discussing your relevant experience, it makes me feel less alone.
That phrase got to me also, I have ADHD & there are so many times that it feels like an impossible task to be able to do the things I 'should' be able to do.
Everything takes me longer to process… now I know why !
I feel like you described my life. Except that I didn’t realize that I was autistic until I was 59. Your content is so valuable and important. I’m learning about myself through watching your videos.
I have definitely done a lot of these things you're talking about.
I feel like the way you break down being Autistic is very eye-opening for anyone lucky enough to stumble onto your channel, autistic or not.
Big thank you for your videos also ❤🔥❤🔥
Awww thank you so much🥰🥰
"We know me must speak bc we don't want to get in trouble." that is so true. For example, I've been ridiculed and even scolded for not saying "hello" to people. And now, when I have to say "hello" I always feel feels a kind of fear, like, I don't really want to do it, but if I don't, I will be perceived as rude. That is difficult to live, especially at work.
This video and comments like this are quite insightful as a new mum myself figuring out parenting. I'm not autistic so can't relate. I can relate to masking though, as I have ADHD.
People wanted me to shut up. I was/am the opposite. Report cards always said I "talk too much".
I appreciate what you said about not knowing if you are masking or if that is who you really are. I’m really struggling with that as well. Having lived 56 years without knowing I was autistic I’m sure that I have developed masking behavior that are so ingrained in me that I will never be able to fully unmask. Thank you again, Morgan, for your insights and for giving me a lot to think about in my post-diagnosis journey.
Hi, I appreciate you. I'm 38, my 7 yo is diagnosed autistic, and I think I might be too. Lately, I've been asking who I am. I'm learning about myself by being there for him. And he says "me and you are the same, dad", I don't feel ashamed like I've felt my whole life. I'm proud. And when I see him do something I would never been able to....
when you said limerace and obsessing over one person. I relate so hard. for my entire life and in every class year after year, without fail, I have experienced this. and I thought it was normal or just me being shy.
I can't even begin to describe how exhausting masking is but learning about autism helped me to have a positive relationship with myself and just like you, I masked from a young age, was constantly ridiculed just for being myself, and had low self-esteem. The only difference is that while I was diagnosed very early in life, I never really understood why I was different and all I wanted were answers as to what's going on.
This this hits so hard I'm in school right now and I have to mask CONSTANTLY and it's so exhausting others make it looks so easy.Also thanks for making this your videos always make my day better🩷
I was born in 1980. All through my early life, I was just called "weird" or "strange." Nobody ever thought of autism. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why was everyone else different? I thought that there were so many of them that it must be me. I started masking at 12 years old. I'm 44 and I still don't really know who I am. Who I was before all these layers. It's good that someone talked to you. I wish I had had that.
It's never too late to change and to get to know yourself. I wish you much luck on your journey and wish for you all the peace, love, strength and courage in the world. These parts of the experiences are hard. However you'll see that you're stronger than you think. Make sure to try your best to make things easier for yourself and to show yourself compassion. Just try, that's all you can do :)
Eye contact is the absolute worst. If I try to force it, my head starts trying to turn naturally. If I try to hold my head still, my neck muscles start spasming, and my eyes hurt. It seems so weird to me to have such a strong physical reaction to something so simple. It never gets easier.
That was a brilliant synopsis of what we go through. I'm nearly 60 so imagine the struggle to breakdown all this now 🙃
I just found this channel and as an autistic person I can fully relate to this masking experience lol 😂
I love finding people who I can relate because me having autism makes life extremely complicated for others to understand me but at least I can hear people who are going through the same thing so not only I can know that I’m not alone but I can also receive some advices and stuff like that.
I don't think I ever consciously masked my autism, but I bottled up my frustration, my rage, and my hurt, and didn't react to the bullying, or to the teachers who expected me to try harder than the 100% I was already giving. I was too clueless about social stuff to bother much with autistic masking. I just stayed the f**k away from most people. I had like 3 or 4 friends at school, at each school I was at. Chances are they were also autistic.
Yes, I don't mask much but I bottled up my feelings as well.
Morgan I just want to say that even though I'm a 27 year old guy, of all the creators in this space I connect with your story the most, every time I listen to you talk it's like you're reading my mind and honestly sometimes I'm in tears listening to you, but in a good way because I have always felt like I am totally alone in what I'm going through and you and others help me see that that couldn't be further from the truth. Keep it up and thanks for being you.
Masking is so exhausting and I wish I could just unmask😢
I thought it was going to be a quick and easy process but here I am 2 years into my unmasking jourley and i still haven't figured it out yet😭
I found out about my autism three years ago at the age of 42. I'm still learning who I am because what I've been for these 42 years is a person I may know, but not me. It's hard - but also rewarding to finally get to know yourself.
Thank you so much for this video. I know towards the end you were saying it probably didn’t make sense but I think to some of us in the comments (or at least to me!) it actually TOTTALLY makes sense only because finally someone else described this absolutely exhausting and kinda debilitating life experience. Your vulnerability and courage has helped me process and name stuff I didn’t even know needed to be named. I wasn’t nearly as self aware or conscious of my masking process and how it all came about but wow! Thank you =)
Also regarding still having to mask for this channel, I’m sure many of us see the value in what you share and who you are regardless of how it’s presented - can’t speak for all the internet of course but some of us are sticking around and really appreciate the kindness and wisdom and energy you put into the word. Have a great day!
I knew that I was wrong, but I didn't have any idea what I did that was wrong. Compared to other people I don't think I masked nearly as much. My only way of masking was basically just silence and not moving around when actively dealing with others. But your TikTok videos have been SOOOO relatable, and I have referred people to so many of your videos saying "This is pretty much exactly how I feel."
I did this masking so much that I didn't start discovering who I was until I was in my late 30's. It's amazing how awareness and representation can help us learn about ourselves.
I’m like all of this, I was diagnosed with autism when I was 5. The first time I was trying to get diagnosed I was 4 and they said it was just a phase and for attention so they did it again and it was when I was 5 and I got diagnosed. My parents sometimes just kinda forget that I have autism and just treat me like everyone else and gets mad when I do something like I can’t do. ❤
my parents were told it was a phase of me looking for attention too!! that shld be illegal to say as a doctor
@@morgaanfoley ✨💗 SO TRUE ✨💗
Parents need to trust their own instincts more. Doctors are human, not god.
I even remember going through an identity crisis a few times in my life when I realized i was actually never into this or that cause I thought i was cause my friends were into it, thankfully now i have friends that don't mind im not into those stuff, amazing video as always
OMG. I cannot believe what you just described. I am straight but I have always been obsessed with people, where I wanted to be them. Normally my teachers in school, I just can’t believe it is not only me, all this time I thought it was just me. I am 16f and have not been officially diagnosed because I don’t really know how to tell my mother. She jokes that I have autism but I don’t know how to tell her I want the test.
I can’t really give you tips on how to talk to your mother as I never ended up talking to either of my parents about my autism but I hope that it goes well for you 🫂
Ok I can give you some advice about talking to parent thing because I also had to. Although I had a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, I never got any treatment or professional guidance because my family was forced to move from my home country pretty soon after. I was basically treated and seen as if I was undiagnosed because my parents didn't know what autism actually was and because of a cultural stigma about mental health.
I had to do crazy amounts of research on psychology to both understand my struggles, other people and how to be a better, more adjusted person. And I also obsessively study people and mirror them to mask my autism because I had to do so to socially survive.
I had many conversations with my parents where I expressed all the invisible struggles I faced, the need to stim (which they always yelled at me for doing) and that I needed therapy and certain accommodations. I also have ADHD which adds a layer of complexity and confusion to the diacussion
You have to speak with firm confidence and be ready to answer questions when you are put to doubt. Try to not get too defensive if they don't validate you because getting angry makes them get defensive as well and the conversation stops being a discussion but an argument, and their questions usually arise from lack of understanding. Just try to communicate with them as collectedly as you can and to explain the symptoms and struggles that you have observed in yourself and that you want a diagnosis to officially confirm whether you fall on the spectrum.
If you are open about it with your mom it will help her understand you better and help her know how to support you and how to interpret behaviors that are strange to neurotypicals. This takes a lot of time but it pays off in the long run. Also dont be shy about sharing videos like this one if they resonate with you because they do most of the talking for you
I am 16 as well but I have been communicating with them about neurodivergence for years now. Talking with my teachers and my counselor also helped me get accomodations in school by entering the 404 or 504 program (cant remember which). These accomodations make the school experience more fair and tolerable but you need an official diagnosis so its worth reaching out
Tell me whether this works for you and if you have any concerns. Ill try to help the best I can
You are able to articulate the experience of so many autistic women so very well. Thank you for sharing your experience and creating your content.
It is truly heartbreaking that masking goes all of the way to your core identity. I am not on the spectrum, but having PTSD I would have to put up 'a wall'. Not really the same thing, but I had such a crisis in my early 20s, but eventually could finally tear it down. My advice, is that you will get control over the mask with time :)
The approach I think is to get non autistic people to see the expereinces they have in common with people on the spectrum. I think EVERYONE can relate in a few ways, but especially with text conversations due to the lack of bodylanguage, tone in speech, and ambiguity if there is an implied meaning in the words or not. I just saw your video "Why are autistic people so misunderstood?". In that video you described everything I feel over text conversations, including being blindsided with false accusations of intent, and the gas lighting from them and trying to compensate from that. I think everyone experiences this over text, but I doubt most people realize the misunderstandings for what they are. I think most people assume the other person is of bad character and attack. Most notible here is that out of the options of fight/flight/freeze/and fawn, poeple with autism default to fawn because they have to try and preserve whatever relationships they can. Where people not on the spectrum normally don't have the problems caused by not being able to read body language or things implied when someone speaks, so they default to fight, and to a lesser extent flight.
I think the divide in society is from normal, well intentioned people having most of their relationships over text and getting a taste of the autistic experience, but not knowing how to manage it. If people can be made to see this, I think that would also big a huge breakthrough in getting society to be more empathetic to people on the spectrum.
omg. the last bit especially. not being able to undo the trauma of having your real identity so deep rooted as being bad. yuk. this was one of your best videos that i have seen to date
Hi Morgan, again you are sharing so many things that resonate with me. I didn't start unmasking until last October at age 66. I realized that my speech started becoming chopped and I stuttered. I barely remember that from sixty years ago. I had trained myself to insert dramatic pauses with hand gestures and head movements until my executive disfunction caught up with the right words that I could speak seemingly "normal" with a purposeful delivery. Usually, the word doesn't come to mind right away even though I can see whatever it is in my mind. Now I just stumble and stutter and let people see me searching for a word instead of covering it with style. I wonder if you do this too. I see similarities in your speaking. I didn't even realize the eye contact was a thing until my son was diagnosed early on (thank God) and I researched. My whole life was there, but I was in denial. I have "coping mechanisms" and I'm high-functioning. I learned to just look between the eyes or in the middle of the forehead. So now I'm concentrating on where I'm looking and are they fooled? I miss the whole conversation because I'm trying to appear to make eye contact. As if I need help missing the whole message. I'm ADHD too. My childhood was in the 60s & 70s. A whole different World from yours and my son's. My ridicule was usually being bullied by peers and whipped and beaten by teachers and adults. Anyway, you go gurl. You're a champion. -Jeff on the left.
I feel so much like you described. Not everything exactly, but most of the big picture. I am constantly sensitive to being "caught" as doing something not likeable or not acceptable by others. It's exhausting. Even positive interactions are exhausting.
So damn relatable. Here I’m being diagnosed at the age of 27 🥸
Thanks, you helped me realize that I am not a heavy masker. The people who assessed me for autism said that I didn't mask. I think I do mask some but I wasn't sure. This helped me to realize that I don't mask a lot because I know who I am.
I didn't know what masking was till i saw your videos and it makes soo much sense on many times in elementary, middle and high school i would also memorize people's patterns and how they act and how i would be fixated towards certain people even now with people I work with at my jobs and i remember hiding certain parts of my personality cause it used to annoy or bother people and sometimes idk if i even doing good socially since im not into sports or drinking like most people, this makes me rethink myself SOOOO muchhh
Hi. I just wanted to say thank you for making this video. I am 30 and I have been trying to explain to my mother (who is a very understanding and accommodating person, but is having a hard time adjusting her perception of autism) how I feel for the past couple years. I'm planning on having her watch this. Please know that if you do stop with the smiles and gestures in your videos we will still watch. Because to many of your fans (fellow autistics), facial expressions/appearances aren't as important and we like the information you're saying regardless. Sorry, that was also rambly. I'm just trying to say we appreciate you and please don't stop making videos. Keep trying to be yourself, even if some people don't love that version of you because there are other people who will like you just as much or more.
Looking back at masking is crazy. I wasn't aware that I was different until much later in life, but looking back on it, it is amazing that no one recognized it. I was a goth, prep, punk, and a freak in my four years of high school. I hung out with a different group and dressed differently each year, but I never fit in with any of the groups. I was always on the outside looking in, and never really understood why.
Oh my god. I totally feel that identity crisis personality wise! Like holy shit who even am i? Am i even real?
I am so grateful to have found your channel. You have such a gift for articulating feelings I've had all my life but could never express, and I feel lighter and more understood after every video I watch of yours. Thank you so much for the work you do with articulating these thoughts, being vulnerable enough to share your experiences, and editing and sharing them. I can barely muster up the energy to journal most days, so I have profound respect for the level of effort you are putting into this. I hope you know how impactful it is ♥️
I relate to your videos so much. You have a great way of verbalizing the things I have been feeling my whole life
i'm so happy i came across this video, i've been having an identity crisis lately after getting dignosed with autism a week ago. i'm always changing my style and personality to fit in and i obsess over diffrent people, i screen shot everything they do to my phone so i can be like them i don't seem to know what i genuinlly like and now relizing why i have done this my whole life and relizing im not the only one helps alot.
SO RELATABLE. Thanks for sharing. It definitely helps knowing you're not alone in this amazing community!
Thank you for sharing what you’ve been through. I know sometimes to think back it may make you self conscious but just know that you were only doing your best with what you knew at that time. All of which has now led you to your journey where you now get to share your experience with a bunch of people online, That’s so awesome! I send little you a hug for feeling like you couldn’t be yourself and that everything you were was wrong.
I appreciate the emotions in your thumbnails. I feel less worried about being stuck in thought with these looks on my face. It is comforting to see a girl do these things too, even though i'm a dude it makes me more hopeful for love because there ARE girls like this too who will possibly not hate me for my "weakness." That probably came off weird but I hope you get what I mean. Thank you.
My parents are in their 90s and have just moved in to sheltered accommodation and, as part of their downsizing, I have been given my school reports for the ages 5 to 11. It has been interesting looking at them with the hindsight knowledge of being autistic. Comments in a report that provided me with new guides to masking such as socialising more with the other children, would be followed the next term with comments on how much better I was at that. On the other hand something like being very good at identifying detail in English comprehension exercises whilst not being able to identify the "between the lines" meaning in those pieces, remained unsolveable much to my teacher's puzzlement
What you're are describing is ego death my friend. I relate to this so much. When I started researching to see if I could be autistic and I read that people imitate other people and also characters from movies and tv shows in order to function and be tolerated in society it was an epiphany. I couldn't believe other people did this too. I was also angry because all this work didn't get me acceptance it got me mere tolerance.
You want to be accepted by other people for who you are and you hate people for accepting you. It seems like you have a fear of people not liking you.
Maybe you could try to be yourself and learn more about yourself not through other people but through you example remember your own values, and what’s important to you. Hope this helps!
Oh my gosh thank you for shining light on limerence because for me it’s an epic daily struggle. For years now I’ve been absolutely obsessed with a few really popular girls in school because I look up to them so much. At this point I wish I hated them because when they’re in the room my brain can’t do anything else but basically study them, and try to figure out what I can do to be like them or to have them like me.
I still haven’t found a solution to stop my brain from studying their behavior and trying to emulate it because it doesn’t send me down a good path mentally. It only makes me hate myself because I’ll never be her.
I'm 64. Based on my experience, you're going to do a lot better than I did. Congrats. Seriously. It warms my heart to see young people who understand their situation far, FAR better than I did.
Your finishing statement made me cry. It connected very deeply with me. Thank you
I'm so glad I found your channel! A lot of the traits of autism & ADHD can have so much overlap. So there are a lot of things you talk about struggling with that I can really relate to.
I very much relate to what you talked about. I’m so sorry that you felt pushed to mask by your parents. I don’t know when I started masking, but I know I was doing it as a 3yr old. I hope this video helps us all to be kinder and more understanding to those around us. ❤
I appreciate all the helpful and meaningful videos Morgan. They are helpful to myself and daughter, plus my family understand.
For me, I've typically just tried to mimic characters that I've seen on TV (Ironically, one example being Matt Smith's Doctor Who, a character who is clearly autism coded), although I do recall in my early years of primary school, I was friendly with some English kids and would sometimes put on an english accent around them, I stopped when I was asked why I was doing it though. (For context, I'm scottish, and this was a scottish school)
Just want to say I think how you're able to succinctly express your feelings and experiences is great. My 11yr old son recently got diagnosed with ASD level 1 and listening to some of your past experiences has been eye opening in helping me understand what he may be going through. Just wanted to let you know you've helped me so thank you 🙂.
We play different roles in life and masking will always be valuable with people who think autism is an intellectual disability. If you are conscious of masking, it’s not as draining, but it’s still draining. Learn what recharges you (alone time, dim lighting, quiet, special interests, being with others who understand and you don’t even have to talk, etc.) When in burnout, masking is difficult and especially draining. Give yourself permission to “be weird” and if you get negative feedback, remember it’s their ignorance. I’m 53yo and realized my different brain 4 months ago when I couldn’t mask at home anymore because I had been burnt out for a long time. My wife struggled so much as she interpreted my actions as rude and she was so resentful, she didn’t want to learn any of the info I was trying to share. It was so hard for me to remind myself that her gestures of disappointment, eye rolls, and criticism were just her ignorance from taking on all the household responsibilities as I was burnt out. Even my safe place (home) was not so safe. I’m so thankful that she realized just yesterday that I used to be able to do so much more and I am getting better as I come out of burnout. I think she realized it intellectually, but didn’t believe it subconsciously. Anyway, it’s sad to lose friends and connection to family who are still in denial. It’s said that people’s reaction are like the stages of grief - denial (you aren’t autistic), anger (you did X before, what’s wrong with you? Just do it!), bargaining (I’ll support you a little, then you mask a little for me), depression (omg, I’m overwhelmed and scared thinking how this relationship is going to change), and acceptance (you know, you are the same person as before, have the same sense of humor, likes, dislikes (mostly), and I understand common autistic traits so I don’t misinterpret them).
This is the closest that anyone has explained what I am going through as an autistic individual. This is the most accurate video I have ever watched about autistic struggles, it is very well explained and SO relatable, I was close to tears when I watched this video, thank you for being so relatable ❤
I relate to this so much i cant even watch it fully because i feel anxious remembering all the times ive masked and all the ways i have behaved while masking
I can relate so much.
Don't let the inconsistencies discourage you. Healing and self discovery is not a straight path. It's just as complex and complicated as our trauma and individual personalities. That's ok!
im happy to know theres people out there the same as me. i used to feel like im alone and no one would ever understand me and my behavior. thank you for your videos, and not everyone will always like you without a mask, you can't fit everyones likes. but you should still be yourself and talk about the things that are important to you because theres always people like us who understand and like your content
such a great video about a late diagnosis and masking, thank you morgan!
Your voice is heard, Morgan. And it is very valuable. Keep up with this work, tell us your process as you feel it. For example, I have no problem with your lack of eye contact that you mentioned (if you haven't mentioned, I wouldn't have noticed), I like your gestures and I listen to you on 1.5x speed (as I do with almost all info content that I listen to). So, don't worry. What you are and what you give others is way more important than all these details.
Not sure if this is related to masking or transitions, but over the course if my 38 years, I've learned that when put into a brand-new, unfamiliar environment, it takes 9-12 months (sometimes longer) to "get it." Kindergarten was one of these brand-new experiences and I nearly failed because I refused to demonstrate to my teacher that I knew my numbers and letters. In fact, I think when it came to speaking to my teacher directly, I was essentially mute. After a parent-teacher conference, my dad told me that unless I showed those required skills to my teacher, I would have to repeat kindergarten. Meanwhile, when I was at home, I was already learning how to accurately read to myself, so demonstrating that I knew my letters felt irrelevant to me. I passed kindergarten. Did I almost repeat 1st grade as well? Yup. By the time I got to 2nd grade, I understood school, and I didn't have any issues like that, even when I went to college.
In my early 20s, after I graduated, I decided to enter a religious community. It was a situation unlike any other I had been in: required to be dressed and in chapel by 6 am, laundry already started or dishwasher unloaded (if that was an assigned task), faced unfamiliar customs and expectations, and lived with people completely new people to me. I consistently got poor sleep, was frequently corrected because of doing something "incorrectly", got in trouble when I didn't adhere to the set schedule. I was viewed as being exceedingly independent and stubborn. In chapel once, I got corrected for wiggling my feet under my pew (stimming), so I had to stop doing it- hard. I hyper-fixated on tasks (I wanted them done right the first time) at the detriment of completing everything else that was assigned, and would get in trouble for that as well. At the end of my first year, I finally started understanding what I needed to do/be in community, just in time to be transferred to a satellite location, and have to start rebuilding my understanding in a new environment. After 2 1/2 years my path branched from theirs, and now, 13 years later, I can see not only how mentally unhealthy it was for me to be there, but how traits of adhd and/or autism were present and how they were ignored or seen as qualities that could be changed.
The question of who am I is central to human existence. You are quite the warrior. So proud of you and appreciate your sincerity. Please know you are not alone. And the search for "I" is a lifelong and worthy goal. Consider this question "WHAT is a self? What is an "I" (which is what it calls itself.) ❤
Very interesting to hear about this. You seem like a great person. Good luck, have fun!
A lot of autistic guys don't mask autism, we mask extroversion. At 5 we're friendly, outgoing types. As social trauma accumulates, we restrict our social circles to a small number of known-safe friends, and we retreat into solo, at home hobbies. We stop caring about the opinions of people we aren't close to, and/or don't share our values. It's not as stressful or draining as masking away autism, and our sense of identity remains intact, but it is isolating, which we tend to be fine with as kids but less so as we move into adulthood.
And that's where your "antisocial computer nerd" stereotype comes from.
The first Shrek film is quite illustrative of autistic masking dynamics if you replace "ogre" with "autist".
it's so ogre
I was more like the guys. I was introverted in preschool where I was bullied badly. I was extroverted in elementary school. I was introverted as a teenager. But as I got around adults who weren't such assholes I became more outgoing again.
Good job unmasking - it is so hard, and even harder to learn what’s authentic and what the mask was. I can relate. Also, I’d still watch even if you were 100% unmasked. You deserve to be you, whatever that looks like. ❤
Thank you so much for sharing this, as it’s helping me to understand autistic person in my life.
Hey Morgan! Thanks so much for making your videos. I discovered you not too long ago, but have already benefited greatly from all of your great content. I'm sure that I speak for many of your autistic viewers when I say that your videos are EERILY relatable. I am still in the "self discovery" phase as regards my autism, but listening to your stories about working overtime to try and fit in, as well as closely examining friends in order to mimic their behaviour, AND the weird "Crushing" feeling that you described pertaining to a given particular friend... WOW.
Your eloquence and approachability really recommend your channel, and I will be sure to continue to recommend it to others. I have already sent a few links to some family members saying "It's just like this! What she said!"
Also, as a fellow autistic traveler, it's so cool to hear about your stories as you thrive beyond borders. Greetings from London, UK (for now)!
somehow this is exactly what i need to hear today...
the unmasking process both so freeing & also exhausting. best of luck to all of us here ^^
Thank you. Your honesty is helping me be honest.
i love that you cover this topic, and I can understand you not wanting to talk about this, becasue i cant listen to it, it makes me too emotional. It jsut hits home 100% Will come back to it later.
Listening to your videos is like hearing my own thoughts. It’s nice, it saves a lot of inner monologue energy that I can use for when I have to be amongst the normies.
No-one else know what struggles you have been through, or what exactly makes you you. Ultimately however happiness comes from accepting who you are instead of wishing to be someone different or criticising yourself for it. You seem to be a very considered and sensitive person - be proud of who you are and what you have achieved.
I definitely understand my kid better by watching your videos. Thank you!
I related to this video very heavily. Thanks for posting and sharing your story.
Be glad you have your diagnosis now. You are so young. I struggle with all the things you mentioned and the trauma for me is still going on in my 50's. I was diagnosed last year. And honestly they only way I can keep my job is to mask as much as I can. But I am definitely the odd one out. I don't understand social cues and ambiguous language. If I had been diagnosed at 20, what a huge difference that would have made. You will find yourself. I know myself. And that is probably the hardest part about having to mask. I know and love myself, but any little bit of authenticity that slips out and it's full on rejection. When you really know yourself, masking feels so horrible.
what you talked about was almost exactly what i went through so it makes sense to me. in elementary school though, i would mask and copy people but when i would finally get a friend i guess i’d relax a bit and my mask would slip a little so they would get weirded out and i’d either loose the friends or i would be the weird friend. im in high school now and im trying to figure myself out. i have to start completely from scratch. in all of middle school i went through a severe depression because i realized i had no idea who i was. but now im getting better. thank you for making your videos, it really helps me better understand myself
Thank you, soooo relatable!❤❤❤
Scary how this all resonates. Its different as i am male and from another country (UK). I got diagonsed at 22 a long time ago. I used to lack a social filter, say what i wanted and would always be "myself". However people whom i thought were friends would gaslight me and say manipulative remarks to me, people mocked me for having autism and i couldnt get or keep a job for long. I had a breakdown, finally got a full time job and reset my social life, cutting everyone off. I needed to start again. I got rid of toxic people and influences, worked on my boundaries. Unfortunately tho my mask is what most people like and now i have kind of lost a bit of identity. I naturally want to overshare, talk a lot or interrupt because of my busy mind and i often socialise in long periods, even tho deep down its tiring. I have become a wall of politeness, always classic "nice guy". Its tiring and makes one feel like an imposter. Great content
Omg, this is so relatable to me in certain ways, very helpful thanks
For the record: I know your community would naturally be smaller, if you started to unmask, but I would still watch your videos - and maybe even be inspired and encouraged to unmask more myself - and I'm pretty sure, I wouldn't be the only one.
So just know, that if or when you're ready to unmask, there will still be people, who stay ❤
I have masked a lot, and somethings I found is the more you mask the harder it is to unmask, the more you mask the more you forget about your childhood and yourself, people who likeed you before you started to unmask probably won't like you anymore, and masking is stressful on so many levels.
Thanks for describing my struggles so well Morgan! I now also kind of feel people pushing me to stop doing things that require me to mask (like working my job as a teacher) now that they know I'm autistic. I like to mask less, I like balance in my life and not being burnt out. But I like my job too, and I'm grateful that I can mask so I can do the job. I don't think masking has to be bad, as long as it's a concious choice you make and you have plenty of time in your week to be your unmasked self (whoever that is, I'm also not completely sure yet).
I'm gonna watch your videos without you doing Hand gestures ❤ I love your videos. Actually I often just hear them wile eating 😂❤
disturbingly relatable.
As someone in the arts, there are lots of autistic people in film and TV...because they're good at acting according to their real life scenes.
This explains me
I’m in high school and very much do what the popular girl does
Oh my goodness, such excellent clarification of some things that created trauma for my son when he was young. I would get very upset with his dad (a narc) when he would yell because [our] son was "rude" to his half brother. Dad would scream and yell in a rage, and my son, who was 5, would throw up.
It's a hard video to listen to since it sounds like a reflection of my life in a lot of ways.
I love you and love your content, and I appreciate you sharing your experiences and being able to connect with the autistic community ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤.
Loved this video! The unmasking process is weird. But things will get easier in time and you'll go back to your authentic self more and more in that process and that is a good thing. Sadly we can't unlearn all masking. The damage has been done in that sense. Just know that trauma changes the brain, but healing does too. Good lucky everybody! At least we have a community here where there is no judgement.
Due to my lack of social skill i have tried to replicate things i have seen others successfully use and i still do this to a limited degree, the problem i encounter is that my attempts do not work out as intended or i do not get consistent results. As for masking, i value real far too much to ever value that as a realistic tactic for me. As for others opinion of me, that was a luxury i never had the benefit of, kids would not be nice or leave alone and the adults did not fullfil their promise of help and/or they were also targeted me, thankfully that was only a few. My ability to communicate developed quite early and could be very detailed, a teacher asked me once in third grade why i fought, i told her because they would not leave me alone, that teacher became an issue later. I know not if i am autistic, but the pattern is so close to fitting me. Perhaps my issue has been i have tried to interact with the wrong group of people all this time.
this is suppppper helpful --thank you so much for posting!
I can see the bubbly person in you. Keep it up !!!
How do you know that is not her mask?
@@Catlily5 That's right and you don't say 'keep it up' to someone that's like if somebody said to a depressed person " just go outside and take a walk"?!! I'm in the process of getting an autism assessment and something I have learned is that I have been masking myself to try to fit in with people, I didn't know why it was so difficult for me to try and make friendships and maintain them, It was mentally and physically exhausting to try to socialise with people when I really just didn't want to, I found that I would daydream a lot in and out of school (for context I am now 20 years old) and couldn't get myself out of those daydreams and I think that was my way of handling the social anxiety I was feeling. I'd been through depression in year 9 ( UK education system) and had got a counsellor but the social anxiety I felt didn't go away. I'm now too mentally exhausted to try to mask and have been isolating myself away from people a lot more, I just want to be alone. I'm keeping up hope though that I will get the right help. Thank you for reading.
You don't have to look in the camera for me. I'm (what I believe) autistic too and I totally get it. I make videos myself and it was so so hard for me. Once I decided to not force myself to look in the camera but to look elsewhere while I talk my videos because so much easier! I don't have to do it like everyone else. I'm the one who doesn't look into the camera. ❤ And you can be too. Try it 😊
Hey, I feel that way too. I guess it's a common thing for late diagnosed autistic people. I was diagnosed 1,5 years ago. I still struggle to unwrap myself. I recently thought that we kinda grow together with the mask, when we have done this all life. It can't be truely separated anymore. But surely it is important to dig out more of our true needs and core personality. We should become aware of when we mask in a way and how we spend our energy, so we can make better decisions.
But I also thought, having a mask doesn't have to be a negative thing always. I thought of it as different programs (or think of apps if you will), that i installed in addition to my core identity. And there are programs now for all kinds of tasks and areas, like a "socialising program", a "protection program" a "copy program", a "spelling program" and so on^^ And some of this stuff is actually important to have and be able to do in our society.
It's just.. it takes so much of our processing power, capacity and battery power to do. Imagine we are a laptop or a mobile phone with some strange and unique processing system, and it has like hundred of programs installed, to be able to do all the stuff that other computers do, and to translate all the code and all the data for all the other, more standardtised applications. Its like all the computing power and energy is just being used to somehow enable "normal" functions, that for other systems dont take much effort. On normal PCs this is idle mode, for an autistic it is alrady like 90% load. And it is so complicated and confusing, there is so much going on and so many programs for different tasks.
And worst of all, they are on autostart and run in the background all the time, its hard to just deactivate. And while its all running, we have to find out what is crucial to have and what we can start working on and deactivate. And try to make sense of what our very unique system is actually capable of and designed for. Like, I do believe that we all have or can find some purpose in life and that we can bring a lot to this world. Or that we can find our nice little place and start to bloom. We can't change what seed we are and what type of "plant" or being grows out of ourselves, but we can find the right conditions and learn to care for ourselves, water our roots, find some warmth and sunshine and.. see what comes out of it :D
I think it's very important to have at least one person in your life who you can totally un-mask around. For me, that is my best friend. She's been with me through all my meltdowns (of which there are plenty) and seen the "worst" of me, yet she stays and constantly reminds me that neither me nor my emotions are a burden. She told me one time "your meltdowns are a small price for the honor&privilege of being your friend".
Like you, I've never in my wildest dreams imagined I'd EVER have true friends because I've always been rejected, and never knew why. But despite our rocky beginnings, my best friend remains by my side and I am sooo grateful for her. I'd probably go crazy without her.
And the identity crisis is soooo relatable, I'm 30 yet I feel like a teen/child for first figuring myself out. I'm never spontaneous and I feel so bad about it, I always wonder if I'm doing something "wrong" rather than focusing on if I enjoy it in the first place. It's hard. It feels I'm always wondering whether someone likes me, and not if *I* like *them* and that's such a messed up place to be, and wires you for people-pleasing.
Thank you for your informative videos ❤️
The identity crisis part is so true... Personally, I've been having it for quite a long time now. I sort of know who I am, what I am, and what my identity really is, but at the same time I'm so lost from constantly being different in public, trying to be someone I'm not, copying others, pretending, and from overall shaping my identity into something entirely different from who I am. It's so draining and I don't even know who I REALLY am anymore. Though I'm trying to be myself little by little, it's still confusing to figure out what "myself" is like
All of this hits so close to home. It's like I always try to copy others for the sake of being more likeable, or fitting in, whether it's trying to fit in with the society, or in a circle of people. In a sense I've grown to not care about what society says or does, I'm my own individual and I'm not obligated to agree with society, especially when I find all of these social rules to be so utterly ridiculous. But sometimes even for the sake of my own safety I have to pretend. It's awful
I've been learning and realizing a lot of things from watching your channel! Thank you for shining light on this topic, I feel like these things should be more talked about
i just recently got diagnosed too, at the age of 20, and i’m slowly making those connections. your videos have helped a lot tho!
you go Morgan F!
you're all of our favorites
I don't know how to unmask. I do not have any idea who I am or what is masking and what isn't.
Unmasking also might mean I can't hold down my job or function in society.
I am so lost as to know who I really am.
If unmasking could help me, I would want to try. But I don't know. It's frightening to have to be more reliant on people when everyone relies on me as the mom of other neurodivergents.
Thank you for making this. I think it's an amazing way to describe the multiple identity crises I've had from kid through adulthood and sent it to my wife immediately. I had gone back and forth with different friend groups, work places, and bands I've played in of being accepted and not being accept to where people have pushed to change something about myself to the point where when someone even hints at changing like my style or something, I tend to get upset by it. It becomes a thing where I've struggled so much to get comfortable and I'm still not enough. If this version of me isn't enough for people, what the fuck even is and how many new things do I have to get used to doing again and again? And I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for others and those others might not even wind up mattering in a few months. I just want to be able to exist as I am and be accepted and I've had such a hard time finding that. I think it stems from this and me just getting overwhelmed by it all. I'm a bit older and self diagnose for almost 2 years now and that trauma truly has built up over time. So thank you again for making this and I hope my wife watches it and learns about it in a way I had trouble explaining.