Narcissists and Toxic Positivity
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- Опубликовано: 20 сен 2024
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I am sick of people telling me to forgive. They didn’t live my life with the devil for 30 years 🙅♀️
Exactly.
Isn't that the worst? So dismissive and invalidating. If they really are so big on forgiveness, they should start with telling you to forgive yourself for not being able to forgive your abuser.
Or take accountability, not understanding the choices I made were under duress, as a result of gaslighting. They don't understand how your rrality was manipulated
C S I know how that is. Trust me. People can say their crap. If they lived it, they’d feel the same way. I’ve been learning, sometimes leaving is actually the best route.
Well said, I absolutely cannot believe it when they say that to me that but that's not them who've walk five steps in our homes.... I never fall for it, have even ditched these persons for other reasons, obviously I've put up with alot from them!
4:44 who thinks dr.Ramani is a bad ass 🙋🏻♀️
I do she got flaws and game we can't win but play along
I think she is brilliant!
I had to laugh bc what she was saying was too spot on, and I wonder why others don't see the crap I see.
@@june-mariehamilton5455 very
Badass in a good way like a fighter with righteous indignation, a whistle blower, someone who stands up for what's right, a defender of victims, an exposer of perpetrators, an exposer of wolves in sheep's clothing.
We suffer in silence.. and then we're further silenced by invalidation.
Exactly.
I feel you
Some folks even give the advice for those who went through this traumatic experience to not step up and explain their end-their side of the debacle surrounding the smear campaigning by narcissists, claiming that it's only sucking those people back into the mud of a pigpen, so to speak. I find this hard to understand. Shouldn't the victims of the smear campaigning be allowed to speak out and share their own story? Perhaps, this is all a reason as to why people keep mum about what went on behind closed doors, especially in a job or career setting. I see this in a few classic arena rock bands I grew up listening to. One side, or "camp", will give a a limited statement regarding a former member as to why they won't work with him, or do a reunion with him. Or they issue out a string of ridiculous narratives that lean towards being petty, such as, "he's difficult to work with", or we just want to 'rock' and he's dragged the band into a lighter direction though we are a rock band-even though this individual was generally responsible for bringing the said band to a great deal of success and top 10 status, let alone was the author of a song that eventually brought the group to recognition and exposure to getting signed to a major record label, plus wrote another ballad that reached #1, even though it brought the group to a lighter, more commercial direction. Is it crucial or detrimental to the target to at least give some point that the narratives used to continue to throw him under the bus are inaccurate and give a brief description of actions he did that can prove he's not difficult and instead was a team player who did what he could to be on the same page with the rest of the group, yet upon seeing the horizon of the genre the band is apart of as shifting and evolving, compelling bands to reinvent themselves to suit the times to avoid being cast aside as 'dinosaur rock'-thus the target would write songs more compelling to mainstream audiences in order to get more radio exposure, rather than just be an album oriented band with pseudo-progressive elements to their music. Plus also details about another member in the unit who would use the narrative of being straight ahead 'rock' when he had written songs that had folky elements, and not 100% rock, thus resorting to double standards.
When this is all over for you guys. Your all going to be your own best friend.
Virtual hugs for all of you.
Remember some stranger like me is out there praying for you.
I wish I could take your pain for you, because I know only the good get these cards dealt.
Give that love to the ones who deserve it. Your all gotta make it. Your sense of self is altered (maybe, strong people out there) because of your situation. When u find you, stay it, and take that big breath for seeing it was always there, just hiding, because it wasn’t allowed to show
It makes you feel like you aren't telling the truth when you are.
"Forgiveness is permission for the Narcissist to keep on doing what they're doing..." 100% true 👏
There's an old saying....Giving someone a second chance is like giving them another bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time.
Omg this is great, I'm gonna use it in future! Cheers :)
I am seriously going to quote that! I've never heard that, but it's apt.
😂
Love the phrase!
So true.
“You cannot downward dog away narcissistic abuse” 🤣 I want this on a t-shirt!
I’m dead.
Take my money now!!!! (The money I managed to protect from my psychopath) ❤️
😂😂😂😂😂
@@juliastrunc5784 LEAVE NOW IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION, SAFELY, WITH A GOOD PLAN, WITH LOTS OF MONEY KEPT A SECRET FOR SAFETY REASONS.
@@bernitacenteno1326 thank you! I meant I’m dead like that is so funny. So I’m ok! Thanks for the care though!
"I am not enabling this kind of nonsense." This may be my new mantra.
Wow so true!!!!!!!
I love her she is amazing and bringing change to the world by just telling the truth and exposing what people try to hide
"Healing has to first start with someone being willing to bear witness to your truth, no matter how uncomfortable your truth is." This.
I'm starting to realize this...
Over the top niceness is disgusting and also a red flag for me. ✌🏼
Its as if you've been following my life and reading my mind for weeks...very odd, yet greaty appreciated...Thank you
When somebody says: "We're so alike" I know that's a lie and I avoid those who say that.
Ah no kidding man, they're really trying to rope you in, sorry we're too true to our natural selves, our survival instincts won't be dampened, this stuff is called 'charm' right? 😝
Exactly. Very scary. Remember Ellen? Lol
Cymbolic Human agree! They almost always turn out to be ones that take advantage of you or get some Narc supply out of you.
"Positivity" is valuing myself enough to walk away from abuse and demand better for myself. "Positivity" is calling a spade a spade, being honest. "Positivity" is not fooling myself and going back to my abuser, hoping s/he will have an epiphany and treat me like a human.
I am still being told to speak to my Mom and let her know how I feel. She's 86, do these people think she's going to get it now?
@@dawnsanfilippo6357 When still emotionally fused to a system like that, being told to “let her know how you feel” is maddening and brutally disrespectful. Looking beyond that, the real issue is that those people “telling” you have not, do not, and will likely never respect you due to their own denied trauma and fusion to the system.
Denial is an infant-like defence system. Infants are naturally fused to their biological support system (inside and out).
If you are still in a place where you can be “told” to fuse, the issue is your own unprocessed infant trauma and boundaries which are magnetizing you to those people. Undoing trauma bonding demands that the insanity of our fused system is acknowledged. That will never happen inside the fused system. How could it? It is a cult of con-fusion. Con means “with”.
My god you are so on point i will remember your comment forever
Wait for that to happen you'll be waiting your whole entire life, me I have no more time to wait and watch them hoping for a change I'm getting the F far away from such dosen't matter who
@@dawnsanfilippo6357 na they never do remember they built that way, same here I was thinking the same as you mine is 74 the way I look at it waste of time, but you can try writing a note and let her know I will write a note to mine before I leave so she can sit with it whenever
They're trash. Also, sometimes the narcissist is the one proclaiming positivity to shut you up.
This is so true. "I don't know why you are being so negative. Why can't you learn to just let bygones be bygones? "
AnnaP you’re funny! ❤️
Yeah they don’t want to hear you talk and they don’t want to have to pretend to care about an unfortunate situation so they blow it off and tell you to be “positive”
Yup. And when it's some of your closest family being the toxic positivity enablers instead of having your back...jeeez, the added weight.
OH YEEEAH.
I used to be the 'love and light' person until my unhealed trauma couldn't stay repressed any longer. I'm glad for the wake up call
Omg! My ex would always say love and light. Sending you love.
Yet was so traumatized with bpd and emotionally abusing me, gaslighting etc.
“All their is , is love”
When people write "love and light" at the end of something, it always makes me feel like in the words I am sensing danger.
Philosophers said make your darkness clear for you, know yourself (so u know others), did that, now I live nearly completely isolated and life has never been better!! People can be fake and u never know their true agenda. My happy form of being was nearly always disrupted by bad energy. I'm the one that got away 😅🕊️
Toxic positivity can be a very damaging to any one going through narcissistic abuse.
It just makes the abused feel even more alone and broken.
Debdeb Andrews,you are too precious 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🌺 to be with a narc 🙄 !
It’s disempowering and demeaning to have ‘forgiveness’ thrown in your face when you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse and dysfunctional relationships.
Terri Goulding, you are too precious 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🌺🌹 🌹 to be with a narc 🙄 !
The problem is these narcs want forgiveness without REPENTANCE!! :( If they ever could sincerely repent and sin no more, they could be easily forgiven!
@@theraptureisnearbelieveinj7695 Yes, or if they falsely claim to be repentant because they're not in the situation anymore. They're old and have abused and neglected all of their children and grandchildren, but they want you to believe that they wouldn't do the same things again until they babysit their great-grandchildren and act even worse. OR He dated you decades ago and wants you to think that he's more mature now until you find out that he's actually abusing more women now more brazenly because he didn't get caught before and has become overly confident that nobody will hold him accountable for his actions or even notice his actions.
You can't force forgiveness
@@arinaira1417 So true!! Because otherwise, it is abuse, a power thing.
It took me decades to realize how evil people use a facade of goodness to cover their destructive intent. I am so glad the Psyche Community is waking up to this difficult truth.
"facade of goodness". some of these hypocrites r found in churches - which is a convenient cover for their shadow side which they work hard to conceal
@@dianedeclare8541 factsss !
@@dianedeclare8541 New agers as well. Anyone in denial of their shadow side will sooner or later get completely dominated by it.
@@dianedeclare8541 fck yeah
@@lemsip207 exactly, new age is a cult. I was one of the many that was affected, they’re so dangerous
At work, we had meetings led by our toxic, narcissistic, bullying boss where everyone had to stand up and say what they were grateful for. Every meeting was like that: cultish with an insistence on positivity. In department head meetings, anyone who brought up a problem got immediately gaslighted into thinking they were the problem.
I resisted all of this because I recognized it as narcissistic tactics from my own upbringing (anybody who says negative things about how terrible it is at our workplace is the problem for pointing out problems!). I knew I'd get targeted, but when it was my turn to stand up and say what I was grateful for, I said "I'm grateful these meetings are only twice a month and that this one will be over in ten minutes." People laughed and a few approached me later to tell me that's what they were thinking and that they were sick of being "attacked by positivity". But of course they were too scared to say anything. Or too smart.
My boss didn't like that I poked fun of the THINK POSITIVE meetings and focused on making my life (even more) miserable at work after that.
Was it worth it?
Yeah, it was.
In fact, I'm POSITIVE it was.
I outlasted not only one, but two, bully narc bosses the last few years of my teaching career and made it to retirement. I got written up several times for not having exactly the toxic positive personality they wanted me to have to enable the narc students, but after each write-up guess what? I got to write a rebuttal.
😂
What an excellent comment! I'm grateful that this kind of s--- hasn't really taken hold here in the UK as it has in the States... It's pure abuse, to mandate that a person feels a certain way; it's enough that you do the job you are paid to do.
Nice!!! Well played!!!
Yes, that's exactly how it should be dealt with, if I were your boss I would rather have an authentic staff member with a negative attitude than people who just play along. We genuinely prefer open-hearted, positive people. But if someone wants to stand up and say, "I have trouble feeling positive because I don't and here's why...and if this meeting isn't the right place I would like to talk talk more extensively about this."
@@nyoracl It's not about having a negative attitude, it's about feeling the full range of emotions. It's OK to not feel happy all the time, in fact it's completely normal and sane. The obsession with constant positivity at all times is unhealthy and toxic. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to go around scowling all day, it just means that people shouldn't be shamed for having emotions other than happiness.
The moment when you tear up, because you feel more empathy in the voice of Dr. Ramani than in all of your family members you have spoken to.
Thank you 18:40
You are finally feeling what healing feels like, after waiting for so long. Welcome home.
Felt that in my soul. Family sucks.
That's so true we feel like family, don't you wish one of your family members was like her
Not only do they sucks they are a disaster is like everyone is jealous and envy of something
Until I had the experience I didn’t understand.
Toxic positivity is the reason I have turned away from a lot of New Age teaching. The magic fairy dust is so disrespectful to my truth.
Agreed. A lot of the new age movement push away their own shadow and it shows up in their toxic positivity.
Me too. I came to loathe it because I discovered it's mostly a pack of lies (at least when it encourages you to dismiss reality and suffering). Suffering through the ages has been the driving force behind humanity's endeavors to improve and create better societies. If dealt with correctly it also can cause individuals to grow, mature and develop genuine compassion. Those who preach to the rest of us from their little toxic positivity cloud, to me, seem privileged (have they ever endured any real hardship? It makes you wonder as their philosophy doesn't line up with reality) not to mention deluded.
Agreed. These people are just swaying to the other extreme and are in denial of REALITY. But in reality I have seen when something tough happens to them they crack easily and all their “teachings” and inspirations go out of the window. We have to keep stable and anchored in reality. We have to always have Hope but not let delusional fantasies of false positivity override our mind. We have to acknowledge, validate, accept and then work through suffering. We have to realise that Life is both, light and darkness, joy and sorrow all at once. And all that needs validation and has a meaning.
Same Maureen. It gets so old. 🤦🏻♀️
Good, but there is only truth. Anything else is a lie.
Per Bojack Horseman: “When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” Take off those rose colored glasses, positivity peeps!
That is an AWESOME line - I love it!
Nice one! Thanks ☺️
Haha, good one.
Bojack Horseman is the most wonderful portrayal of a narcissist/abuse survivor trying to come to terms with his awfulness. It's also brilliantly funny. An amazing show
Lol love that bojack quote!
My toxic narcissist ex-boss had the nerve to call me negative when I started standing up to his gaslighting, diminishing and relentless attacks.
I was abused by a narcissist once so I called the police. One police officer told me that I should be kinder to the narcissist and put myself in his shoes. I was shocked. And of course the narcissist charmed the police and lied about my mental state saying that I was the problem, "You know what women are like..."
Actually, the police in the USA have a regular policy of gaslighting everybody who calls them to avoid doing their jobs because of overcrowding in jails and high cost of hiring enough policemen. It doesn't have anything to do with any specific situation, but is a universal problem in this country with our faulty ridiculous police departments.
I'm not a new age feminist but that sounds like patriarchy to me
@@kr3642 Of course, but the police in the U.S. will say anything to gaslight the one who is making the complaint because they are secretly trained to talk almost everyone out of filing complaints by intimidating the complainers into believing that they are in the wrong, telling each party separately that they are the criminal because of too many work hours of policemen for the budget and jail overcrowding. The exception is if a business calls, in which case the police will attempt to frame an innocent person who's accused by a business. The only way to avoid being framed is if you have a spotless record or a lot of status in the community. If you are poor and have a spotless record, you have to be extremely assertive and threaten to subpoena video footage to avoid being framed by police if a business accuses you.
Sounds painfully familiar....
Gosh he did the same to me
“You cannot downward dog away narcissistic abuse” right!
lol I know right! I like her expressions!
That really cracked me up!!
That had me cracking up! XD
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You know... I actually did try yoga to deal with my “anxiety” and it just wouldn’t work - I would end up silently crying in almost every class tho. Little did I know at the time that I was dealing with emotional abuse. Therapy helped me more than any single other thing (yoga, depression meds, meditation, hobbies, throwing myself into work...)
This is why I don't tell anyone, about my narcissistic parent experience. In my experience, no one ever got it, understood it or even wanted to hear about it. From teenage years into twenties, I was told, Its your parent, learn to live with it. So I tried that. Then in my thirty's, I was told, Its your parent, you know how she is, learn to deal with it. So I tried other ways in dealing. Toward my mid thirty's into my forty's, I stopped talking about it. In return-- I stopped hearing all the other peoples opinions, in which allowed the narcissistic abuse to cease, as I went no contact. In my fifty's, still no contact, I'm finally able to really care for myself, feel some kind of peace, work on healing and am finally, finally, able to feel that I can love life.
I feel as though you have told me my own story. I wish you well in your healing journey.
people don't realise how your life gets wrecked, and then it takes so much longer in years to eventually work it out. In the meantime, all that energy gone into repair when it Ould have been to build up and thrive. sometimes I get so angry for being cheated out of my life, but then I realise that in Essenes, I enabled myself. Now, I am lonely, peaceful, mostly happy, but relatively powerless and have no station in the world. I think tho I prefer it this way. I hope that you continue to find peace and joy in your life.
@@xenatron9056 Yes, I too think about lost time and opportunities that I didn't take because I felt worthless and broken by my past. I have still managed to forge a good career and have a family of my own, but I still feel, like you, cheated out of a normal childhood and adult life.
@@xenatron9056 So true, it takes years of working it out and as much as I don't want to sound pessimistic, it may be a life long thing. Hard to come to terms with something so misunderstood. Thank you, I'll work on that peace and joy as much as possible and hope lots of it will find you along your journey also.
@@misskalinka Thank you, I wish you well in your healing too. Resilience, "We got this", even when we think we might not.
I could never talk with anyone about my narcissistic mother. It is taboo to speak badly about a mother. My family was upper middle class, so I was viewed as spoiled and ungrateful to not be perfectly happy at all times. Yes, I was given most of what money could buy, but there was no love, no warmth, no compassion. I preferred those things above all others.
I empathize with you.
I'm also borrowing a term from this video, "Positivity Police", because not only is it funny sounding but absolutely accurate when you grew up with either 1 or 2 narcissstic parents and were the scapegoat with siblings who enabled the narcissstic behavior. For me, it felt like I was living in a police academy (positivity police) but with no exits and with zero people caring that I had no interest in that line of work. So anytime I let that show, that I knew I did not belong here, that was just taken as evidence that I was bad at "the job" and therefore also bad at life.
I can relate to that. I got bad responses when talking to other family members and friends and they put the responsibility on me too. Funny thing is in tyrannical societies (all of them in a sense) the weaker and more vulnerable you are, you get more things as duties. And I get it, putting the blame on weaker beings is easier and making tyrants accountable is hard and dangerous. And what makes it worse is that it makes sense, so you know that this cycle passes to next generations. I hope you can make a deal with your mother, I couldn't. After all these years she still is in "controlling my whole life" or nothing. So she gets the latter and although it makes me sad (cause she had a hard and harsh life), she is dead to me.
@alimiti7265 I am so sorry. My mom passed away in 2008. Went from "don't speak bad of your mom" to "don't speak ill of the dead". It is better, for your mental and physical health, to keep yours far away. Those who are born without empathy are doomed to repeat their bad past. Those who are born with empathy know how horrible it feels and vow to change the tradition. Focus on being that change.
@@MamaKat53 Thanks, and my condolences I guess. I don't know what to say in this situation.
@alimiti7265 mourning was weird. It was more mourning the mom I would never have. There was an unexpected sense of peace and relief. I felt like a horrible person for that, but she was horrible to me. I knew I deserved better. It has been healing by writing.
One more thing to know: a narcissist sees an apology as a weakness in the person who apologizes. It’s like an apology, they feel, gives them the right to pounce.
The Narc would say after every apology I made ...’Yeah right,..You’ve said that before’. In a condescending tone. With no regard for the apology.
So true. Also when you ask for a good comment instead of putting you down they will eat you alive in other words if you try to get validation from them, in those times you feel weak in your own spirit they will eat you alive. They seem to sense weakness. The point is our validation comes only from God. In Jesus we are more than conquerors.
The minute you aplogise they go for it
It's really cool to see Ramani being really passionate about how toxic this is.
This is the most common kind of gas-lighting around: "Oh, but like at least you're not dead". "Oh, but everything works out in the end", "But she loves you!"
The last one bothers me a lot. My mom had her children out of a OCD-compulsive desire to have exactly 5 kids born exactly 20 months apart. As a parent she was abusive and neglectful. That's not legitimate love for any of us as people.
Aàaàààààà8
The "UNIVERSE" has shown me Doctor Ramani's channel 😊
But the bastard was so late
@@gravityfalls784 Yeah, a little long overdue, innit...
Me too!!!
@@gravityfalls784 🤣Good one!
"There's a very emotionally stunted quality to all of this." Sooooooo true. Thanks very much. Dr. Ramani, for your candor & wisdom.
Yes it's called "denial of the TRUTH".....
Dr. Ramani doesn't think TWICE about picking up her handbag and leaving 😂♥️ #notimefornonsense
It reminds me of that GIF, love it
Tristan Scott Bravo!
Bravo!
Yeah another form of gaslighting, they are the most negative people.. but if you're down their fake positivity it's supposed to minimize what you're going through
Thank you Dr. Ramani
I hold my forgiveness close like you said
Having an extra-dimensional high-density consciousness prepares you for the toxic personalities in this world.
Amen🙏🏾
Yes, I was thinking this too. I've noticed many people preaching toxic positivity are often mean gossips and are often described by others as being disruptive, disrespectful, abusive, etc.
@@mmclaughlin9715 absolutely I refuse to enabler these Toxic people, I call it like I see it
@@DG-qq6gz it's a war
Also, easy for someone else to say "You should just forgive," when they don't have to live with the consequences of that decision.
Yeah, if their relatives were trying to murder them on a regular basis as mine were when I was young, they couldn't ignore the attack or they'd be killed. They'd be forced to fight back.
Ha, as if we haven't suffered enough or can't use our noggins!
@@marythompson7874 covert mom's finally been committed, those who said I should visit prior to ensure her well being hadn't been shoved around like I'd been, afterwards, she went wiggling pain with her sore back as she'd really "put her back into it", the court litigator excitedly suggested that that's when I shoved back, no, put her drunken majesty to bed! Her birthday's the 25th, enjoy your cathedral (ceiling) view Mom!
Everyone definitely don't deserve a second chance. In all honesty, they didn't deserve the initial chance you gave them.
If someone shows they have taken responsibility for their past actions, then that does deserve a second chance. No need to hold the past against them when they did the work of changing their ways. The wisdom is knowing the difference.
Wish I was here 11 months ago 🥺
@@riccardocarbo2479 Well said. Your world gets awfully small if you don't forgive.
@@CCPell He also said, that the wisdom is knowing the difference!
True, but the only way to know if they deserved a first chance is to give it to them. A second chance has to be earned and a narcissist doesn't earn things but feels entitled to them because they're special.
Dr. Ramani, this is so accurate. My ex used to tell me all the time, please remain positive, while he was denying me as a wife, abusing me and exploiting me at work. It was just another way of him not taking responsibility and blaming me for everything. How can you remain positive and forgive when you are treated less than a person? That is not humanly possible and it enables more abuse.
I heard this one too. Lol they'll say how positive , loving , whatever they are and sadly shake their head and say that you on the other hand are woefully lacking in these qualities. Bizarre : )
@@jean6453 it is part of the whole abuse. You are not cool, you are negative, while they are perfect!
My ex narc use to say stay positive all the time. I couldn’t say anything negative no matter what. He didn’t want to hear it. He use to drive me crazy with that nonsense. Meanwhile he was toxic as poison. I’m so happy that toxicity is out of my life.
Meditation, rise ur consciousness
💝
You are not being negative. You are being real! DON'T EVER STOP ❤
As a grieving parent, I have felt the very real effects of friends and family distancing themselves from me. My own parents gloss over my trauma and loss, change the subject every time I bring it up, ask me questions that prove they weren't listening when I revealed certain truths to them, and dismiss my healing process by interjecting frivolous stories about everyday life or meaningless sayings.
Although my wife and I suffer together, we suffer alone.
@@russallen2011 I am sorry for your pain. We are supposed to be there for one another. If people we love grieve, we grieve with them. We share what they are going through. We should be listening, not talking. We should be patient and give people the time they need. It is good to encourage hope and to encourage carrying on but there has to be a time for everything. Now is time to grieve for you. These days people seem so impatient and want to hurry pain along due to their own emotional immaturity. When someone dies, we cannot grieve their loss but must celebrate their life. We used to wear black to show mourning and people would be more kindly and respectful to a mourner but now we are expected to immediately wear gaily coloured clothes and immediately leap back into 'productivity'. It isn't just ignorant, it is evil. I hope you find comfort in each other and are able to have the time and quiet space to properly grieve.
I love how Dr Ramani never tries to sugar coat things and situations. She just brings on the raw truth. Important message all of us need to hear. To many of us, she is truly the best in the field.
Never saw Dr. Ramani so pissed actually, this topic really gets under her skin.
Dr. Ramini has helped me keep my sanity.
This is one of her best videos
Thank you
You are so right! I am sick of listening all these spiritual people advising everyone all the time to think positively in very hard situations. Let's get it straight: They are just enabling narcissists and applauding them when they abuse other people rather than healing anyone. I am really sick of listening all the spiritual nonsense from all these toxic positive people. Thank you for puting it forth so clearly!
Yes, my toxic sister likes to use these 'spiritual' responses after she has hurt me once again with her mean-spirited words . . . ."Oh, I'm a work in progress' . . . . "I'm always praying for you and your family" . . . . "God bless you" . . . . "We must remember to always be there for each other" . . . . "We must keep communication open!"
@@carolyn4423 I totally understand what you feel after hearing these words. It is so familiar...
@@TheDenizsaribas can’t agree more. One time I went to a church for the first time in months because I was having problems in my marriage. After a short conversation with this pastor, he said, “ you know that, your problems are not God’s faults rights?” I was like, deadgum right it was obviously not God’s fault. Things happen in life. It made me so angry I had to leave before I said something I didn’t want to
Watch out for this well worn one: "we all have a dark side, and what you say about him (the narcissist) is part of you; what you see in others is what's in you"
Aha... So if you say he's mean it's you being mean and seeing your meanness in him; if they say you're mean, you're mean, because you wouldn't hear them say you're mean if you weren't mean.
Well isn't that just a lovely double bind. I'm sure the opposite is true for good qualities - you only see other people's goodness in yourself.
☮️💟rainbows and sunshine 🦄
And on a serious note: I'm really sorry for being this sarcastic under a video about toxic positivity
I get a mini-panic attack with emotional double binds entangled with blame shifting and projection
@@anna2belle783 I don't think you are being sarcastic in a bad way. I think you are spot on to how they think and what they say! That first part is exactly what my narc boyfriend says to me all the time and im sick of it!!
Homefry whoa! Stay far away from anyone who would say that to you! Run !
@@jean6453 I agree. Seems like I used to hear this a lot more years ago. I was much less informed back then, less educated, younger, and so were my friends. This trite, banal, week assertion seemed very persuasive to me back then. Not because it has merit, but because of the effect: when someone says this to you, usually it shuts you down right away and causes you to feel ashamed, as if it's your underwear that's showing or that it is you smelling up the room.
Recognizing a bad behavior in others is not the same as behaving as others have behaved. This is my response to the thought-provoking dilemma proposed in the original comment.
Toxic positivity makes me want to vomit. It's another form of virtue signalling as well which I also can't stand -- one of a narcissist's favorite tools
Oxalis I know, right.
Exactly! ❤
Regularly they seem harmless, covert borrowers of information as misperception.
Eluding you?...
Guilty as charged 😤
@@sweetluvgurl formidable, yet not in my space...
@@bertzerker747 what?
Someone who is ‘hyper positive’ when the situation calls for the opposite is like having your head on fire while the hyper positive person marvels at the beauty of the glow.
LOL
Yes!! Well said!
I didn't know what toxic positivity was until I was trying to tell my mother about the problems I was having and she got really flustered and looked upset and said to me "okay now say something positive". I was so taken aback and confused because I was expressing to her that I was having a hard time and she totally just blew it off and made me feel completely invalidated. Ever since then I noticed the pattern with her, that anytime anyone tries to talk about something that they're dealing with that isn't all kittens and rainbows, she has a reaction to it and can't handle listening, she would rather shut them up and force them to smile.
My mother also does this to an extent and I find it hurtful. She admits to feeling easily overwhelmed by my problems, but she’s also a therapist 🤦🏽♀️
@@NatalieZii she might have to reevaluate how she handles her patients
So now you (like me) have to keep remembering not to share anything personal with her anymore - yes, it's hard, but that's the only way to not get sucked back into her toxicity. Keep practicing that and it will get easier and easier.
This is a form of narcissistic abuse.
This is how certain people keep guard over their own fragile mental balance. Obviously, your mum has a trauma she is turning a blind eye to.
One point Id like to add on
Judging and labeling...
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO!!!
Imagine if your computer had no antivirus software; viruses galore! The software reads and determines (judges) weather the data is good or not and if it is NOT it is then labeled as a virus.
So, we MUST judge to decipher what we are taking in from others. Especially when we are beginning to see patterns that do not resonate within our being.
Thank you Dr. Ramani!
You are a terrific teacher.
I deeply appreciate your time and knowledge.
Accurate!!!! We need our own anti-narcvirus software installed!
Jocelyn E. Well put. Isn't there judgement in the bible? It's taught for protection.
Jeanog Absolutely!!
Jocelyn E. I wanted to make this comment, but you have already made it for me. Thank you. I think people get mixed up between being pre-judgemental and being judgemental. Making unfair assumptions about people before you know them is wrong, but making a fair judgement about someone after you get to know them, why is that frowned upon? I think this "don't be judgemental" nonsense is just part of the positivity cult, and shouldn't be a blanket ideology. It is also dangerous and a bit hypocritical. Just ask them, who would you rather get in a car with, Jesus or Ted Bundy? What would you rather eat? A salad sandwich or a sh*t sandwich? The brain is meant to keep out viruses and hopefully protect us from harm.
Yes, exactly! There's the double expectation "no one can judge!" and "use your best judgement." I mean.... how? There's nothing wrong with judging others, the problem I think others are referring to is expecting others to care about your judgements.
4:45
“I am not enabling this kind of nonsense” 👏🏼
This topic is so fundamental in today's society, everyday I see more and more people who think that wishing problems away or "manifesting" change is actually going to solve anything. Everytime I have tried to explain that it's harmful to live this way and perpetually position oneself in the hands of people who only bring pain to your life, it is I who gets called negative, unforgiving, resentful, etc. Thank you so much for this content doctor, I really hope people decide to wake up and face the harsh reality, as uncomfortable as it might be.
You're right. People have become so avoidant and don this "holier-than-thou" attitude to the point of negating what truth tellers want to talk about or just when someone wants a human-to-human conversation. They lie to themselves and get wrapped up in the whole "positivity" thing,ignoring the harsh reality until it drives people who truly care, away. I find that people who get dubbed "negative, anger problems" etc, are really more emotionally regulated than these spiritual cowards who do not want to face the truth and exile abusive people from their life. I've come to find that those who preach "positivity", actually suffer from a lot of repressed anger and come across very passive aggressive and nasty if you and everyone else don't act tranquilized. Its unhealthy.
@@jensbasement3862 Yes, exile malicious people from you lives. I don't want their virus near me or my significant others.
100% I saw someone being torn to shreds on a comments section because they dared to hold abusers accountable using reality. He was being scolded like a child and talked down to in such a smug and condescending manner (disguised as love and light of course), they said that abusive narcissists can change and focusing on their bad traits just makes them expand because everything is energy according to them, and I was just like wow!. How utterly disrespectful and downright toxic to those people in and who stayed in these horrible relationships who wished every day of their lives that if they just loved their abuser hard enough, they'd magically heal and see the light. Many of us have been there ourselves I'm sure.
I'll say it loud and proud. Nobody deserves not one window into my soul. My life. My business. Your life. Your business. Yeh I'll admit that I've been trwated unfairly.*HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT*
No life is not unicorns and rainbows.
I will feel my feelings in my own privacy and nobody is going to stop me. My feeljngs are not a youtube series or a circus act for ppl to watch and stare at like a car crash on the interstate 🖤
Manifestation does work BUT only on topics that have to do with your own life and your own personality and stuff like that. You CANNOT change another person or a certain situation through manifestation. It shocks me that there are people who really believe that and spread that false info! Like you said it is super harmful to make people believe they are the ones who need to change something (their thinking) in order to make the other person change! Some things are just out of our control and it is better to leave a person who is abusing you rather than trying to fix them. I think people who try to guilt trip other people into thinking they are responsible for their situation because of their thinking and therefore “manifesting” should be excluded from the LoA community because in their thinking it would be my fault that my brother died (because i was so worried that something like that would happen that night at the hospital) and that my “best friend” was abusing/ gaslighting me (she is a narcissist and I ended that 20 year friendship couple of months ago). Don’t let anyone tell you you are negative or what not for being realistic and going the healthy way by leaving toxic people! Also keep up the good work by trying to show people that what they are doing is not healthy or pointing out their toxic relationships!
When I married him I thought "he just needs the love of a good woman".....turned out I wasnt her! Lol
Well played!
Neither was I…..ugh
This is where my head space is.
Nobody will be....
People looooove to tell me "karma will take care of it." I've learned to reply with "and I am ok with being an agent of karma."
😂😂😂😂👏👏👏👏
Yesss I love it
Powerful..💜
Agreed!!!
Those people also don't understand Karma. Our job is to do good and the least harmful actions (like choosing to eat organic if you can afford it, or do service if it doesn't hurt you or someone else).
Dr. Ramani you are my HERO!
There's only one thing as dangerous as a narcissist and it is an enabler
Power to assist, without compromise.
and the two go hand in hand. The amount of people comment on 'their narc', is mind bending.
I have waited for her to make a video on this. I really have been saying this to people for years and no one believed me. Thank God for this woman.
@@lyndacork2821 come to think of what makes people vulnerable is ideologies that are very misleading and appear kind and respectful.
How relevant is an enabler to narcissism while they have no apparent awareness to it or as being so,,?
When you are unable to confront a narcissist because of fear of their rage and gaslight you indirectly become an enabler because narcissist prevent you to be yourself and force you to behave in a way that suits them especially if the narcissist had position of power over you like a boss, teacher, parent, police or doctor. There is no way you can confront these type of persons without been emotionally, psychologically or even physically endured and hence you are so damaged because of their rage and gaslight that you end up be an enabler to have peace. The only way to avoid this toxic circle, your only option is to avoid them... Completely
Same goes for people who say they don’t “judge”, “don’t be judge-y”, “not judgemental”. That word! There is nothing wrong with having scruples, being discerning or recognizing toxic behaviour! So true Dr. R.
Oh yes. I’m noticing a lot more of the “people who don’t judge” yet they are kind of judging me? I’m going to be 45 next month so I’m trying to figure out how much is it my getting older and how much is just a lot more of the way society is going in general, I have been living in the same house as my narc mom for the first time in 30 years and I have shared a little bit of what I’m going through to a few people who are very “I don’t judge,” and then they say I need to consider she’s an elderly lady who is probably senile. She’s incredibly lucid and has been the same way for my entire life and the non judgmental people remember to tell me that I am her daughter and I know a judgmental tone when I hear one so I don’t know what’s going on there.
It's funny, because this saying "Don't judge" originates from the bible... However, people always conveniently neglect to quote what Jesus actually said "Don't judge by mere appearances alone, but instead JUDGE CORRECTLY!" (John 7:24)...
We have a society of courthouses with lawsuits, so we are a judgmental society. Everyone is judgmental. Those same people who say not to judge sue others, call the police on others, complain if someone flirts with their spouse or cuts ahead of them in line or steals their ideas in the office. They are hypocrites.
@@RadioPsychicAstrologyByPepper There's a mistaken myth in our culture that all mothers have sacrificed for their children, who owe them, but, the truth is that many mothers didn't do their duty to their children and were even a burden to their children. There is role reversal in many households where the children raise the mothers and the mothers act like big babies. I raised myself, my little sister, and my mother. I took care of our pets, our home, and any responsibilities. My mother owes me for that work, but she also owes me for my emotional support as she told me her problems but didn't listen to mine, didn't work or make money but was financially supported by my grandparents, neglected my needs, exploited me in many ways, sadistically tortured me including violence, tried to murder me and my little sister, and on and on.
@@user-hy2ji4yb1o That's true! The Bible reads, "By their works, you shall know them.". This means that you can identify a sincere Christian by their behavior. I am an atheist now at age 51 since age 32, but was a Christian before age 32.
It makes your blood boil even more to hear this if you're the victim of the narcissist and you know you have done everything humanly possible to make the relationship work yet still hear you didn't try hard enough!
I know that feeling all too well!!! My grandma would say that to me all the time about my abusive mother. Then she would act like she can be the hero and be the one who helps her become a better person and act patronizing towards me as if I never showed love or tried to help fix the relationship.
This is the story life. I suffered abuse too long under the name of love and forgiveness.
Hang in there!
You being here shows you are on a good path ❤️👍🏼
Your beautiful and deserve better. Don’t forget that 🌸
I can't even stand the term "forgiveness". I call it the "F" word. All it means to me is no one is ever held accountable for anything. Forgiveness is just another burden dumped on the person who was injured. Every single person i meet talking about forgiveness is excusing a predator. I think originally it used to mean something for the one who injured another's life or reputation: they-- the ABUSERS--are the ones needing forgiveness FROM the one's they abused. But instead injured people who were hurt think they aren't healing because they didn't forgive and even more false guilt is dumped on them.
@@bernadette573 I love this! Forgiveness is the F word! Yes it is. I forgave my ex all the time and it almost killed me.
Me too! There are people out there who do not deserve forgiveness.
I had an infantilizing "positivity" co-worker call me on the phone after work just to preach to me how she thinks that I was seeing the situation wrong and how I wasn't giving the benefit of the doubt. Those "positivity" people love the phrases, "Oh, they were well-intended" or "you're being judgmental." It's totally disrespectful and condescending....I've learned to keep it to myself to avoid that
Yeah, and they may have been well intended, but it doesn't excuse bad behavior. You are not being judgmental if all you are doing is acknowledging the truth of what actually happened in that moment. If they cannot acknowledge bad behavior, then they are ignoring reality, and you can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
Gosh! That is my boss
Basically these people are just cowards. It's pure conflict avoidance out of fear they try to sell to the world as some kind of special virtue.
Unfortunately, particularly girls/women are trained from small on to be nice, agreeable and timid.
I hated myself for forgiving my father every time he would mistreat me. My mother who kept telling me how this father was struggling to find common ground with me and that it upset him that I was unfriendly with him. "Well, have you tried NOT abusing your child, you ....?"
They think the abuse is deserved!
@@CK-2502 oh the blinking smiley ... Ah
I totally agree with you Dr. Ramani. I have asked those magical thinkers, "When did truth become negative?"
I like that response!
Paul the apostle said “have I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?” Galatians 4:16
I like it.
"I told everyone I got to go to the rest room and I just kept walking out to the parking lot." Gas lighting 101: How To Sneak Away.
😹😸
people will never understand what it's like to live with narcissists and then be so quick to tell us to lighten up and forgive
When I told my stepdad that my dad was being sexually abusive he made up some stupid analogy about a door, that I need to keep peeking open and checking up on him. Well I remembered something that my dad did to me clearly when I was eight but I never said anything because well my entire family was gaslighting me my whole life. I realize that my dad molested me as well as just being a creep and my stepdad enabled it and he enabled so many different abusers to hurt me just because it was easier for him to believe whatever he wanted to believe and sweep shit under the rug. I'm glad I cut everyone out of my life and it's just me no they were beyond toxic.
Holy shit! So sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately, there is even a movement out there called NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) where pedophiles are trying to normalize pedophilia and call it another “normal” type of sexual orientation!!! These twisted predators are out there and apparently they stick together. Just sick. 🤢🤮 So sorry you endured this torture and literally got thrown into a lion’s den. Please, if you haven’t done so, get counseling. And even consider legal action, if possible. Your dad especially and your stepdad, too, should pay for their crimes. Once you’ve gotten enough peace, solitude and strength, consider fighting back and seeking JUSTICE. My prayers 🙏and genuine love 💖go out to you.
Silly Me Much love. Thank you.
Oh my goodness! I can feel your pain all the way over here in Europe. It is bad what happened to you, and it is still being gaslighted by by your stepdad. Nobody should have this happen to them without getting help from adults around them. And if this is your stepdad's way of relating to it, find another adult you trust, and tell them you need help and you want out! Someone will help you find a way out of this mess, and get you some therapy and accept you for who you are, a human being, good enough just as you are, in need of kindness and understanding and love. It makes me sad to think another human being in this kind of situation. Sending you so many loving thoughts.
Maria de Valk Thank you so much. Physically I've left the situation but mentally it still bothers me I definitely need help. Every night in my dreams are like torture
@@poolbath8281 You are so brave I'm so proud of you 👏👏👏👏👏 Good luck in your recovery 🍀 Sending love your way ❤
The universe wants you to learn the lesson, to value yourself, and walk away. Because then you will be able to find joy again.
Couldn't agree more!
That's the message of the Universe needing to be heard.
Yep should of listen 10 months ago .. fml. Trauma bonded us even more or me at least .. therapist took him he fit his own picture .. like idk basically probably helped him with anger sometimes but she helped him help me and it was slipping out again. Stupid
I am so glad for this channel. It is such a blessing.
AMEN!!!
SAME! I’d still be so lost without it.
Same here I've learned alot
This video could possibly be Dr. R's best to date.
Same
Toxic positivity outside of relationships can also include passive aggressive co workers who plaster smiles on their faces while subtly making rude remarks and comments, the “nice guy” who sweet talks different women but won’t settle for anyone because he’s still finding himself but still expects sex, time and women to prove themselves. It’s everywhere
When I was younger we called them SNAGs, Sensitive New Age Guys. At least with the overtly sexist guys you know what you are dealing with, and expect less.
@@a.r.3476 Thats so funny- snags. Do you have a good one for equivalent in women?
@@frankcrawford416 Not really, other than obscenities. As a woman, I never thought that I would use the C-word for another woman. However, a woman who manipulates a man, (the gender difference is crucial in this case,) into revealing a deep vulnerability, and then throwing it in his face, or even worse, using it to publicly shame him... I think the term is deserved. It's not a word I throw around often, even in my head, and I've never actually called anyone that. Otherwise, "toxic" or "manipulative" will do, but there are no catchy acronyms that I know.
Toxic positivity sounds like minimising and invalidation to me. So unconstructive and very airy away with the fairies.
This was excellent. I can't stand the implicit unempathetic and passive aggressive attitude of people who give unsolicited advice suggesting that my approach to handling problematic people is holding me back more than the problematic people themselves.
exactly.
Toxic positivity means that person hasn’t earned the honour of hearing your story of narcissistic abuse. Trust your own wisdom that this is wrong.
Oh gosh, so true! So, so so true!
So true.
Love that
I finally stopped interacting with a previously close friend who used toxic positivity on my circumstances, or would simply change the subject like she didn't hear what I said, yet she would go on and on about her problems while I listened. Her problems were important mine were not. She'd been 'born with a silver spoon in her mouth' to loving parents. I was born into poverty in an extremely dysfunctional narcissistic family. How different my life would have been if I only had her problems. I wouldn't trade with her though, because I like the person I am better than the person she is.
@Kat Svezhevska that's fine as long as you don't expect any of those people to listen to any of your sadz...
Girlllll I can FEEL your frustration with this toxic positivity bs.
I was surrounded by it after a discard. It was so invalidating that it re-traumatized me.
shanon ingles, Really!
The most honest thing my narc ever said to me was during our breakup after 16 years - “I have to leave you, I feel like I can’t breathe”. I guess that is what insufficient supply feels like to them.
After my breakup with a narcissist, she later said something like, "Living without you is like living without oxygen." Ugh
Dezy blue I hear ya - but I didn’t feel lucky.
Dezy blue he is a full blooded true narc. I am his 3rd wife. We all met the same fate. Eight weeks after he left, his FB feed was full of pictures of the new love and his happy new life.
These narcs are full of --it and bad pennies always turn up at some point. 😐
Wow, I've been in recovery from a narcissistic relationship for several years now and I'm still learning. I've never heard of toxic positivity and I was always deemed as "negative" by my ex who was always so upbeat and positive. Although I knew he was someone who relied on denial to get through tough times, I never realized the positivity was also a form of denial and also another way of gaslighting, making me feel like I was abnormal for feeling sad or upset when I was, in fact, reacting appropriately. This has been an eye opener.
Yes always us as the Debbie downer and them the fun brigade ....just a lonely place to be put and people. think 'god what is he/she doing with that misery' ... irony for me is leaving them I realised I was actually a rounded and very optimistic person who knew how to deal with all emotions and not an emotionally stunted one x
I think narcs minimise others' emotions whilst at the same time giving huge priority to their own. It's radically unfair and unbalanced and leaves you feeling you have nowhere to 'be' and no ground to stand upon. Very confusing.
"Draw the line at the damage!"
That part!
Train yourself to see the world as it really is, not how you want it to be.
Yes
I’ve found that narcissist hide behind this type of “positivity”. I see it as them condoning narcissist behavior. Their sense of acting superior than others that are victims to narcissist speaks volumes!
I love your passion about straightening out the Toxic Positiveness mentality.. Respect ma'am
I'd have to say, passions are never the curse 🙏
She’s the best.
My mother liked to tell me that if I didn't forgive I would end up becoming a mean bitter person. And I guess that's half true, but for the most part I'm proud of myself for holding myself and others to a higher standard. I don't excuse unacceptable behaviour in myself and I don't excuse it in others.
Amos chapter 5 explains deuteronomy about the " root of bitterness" its theory context of allowing narcicists and abusive people to be in our communities and lives.they ARE the bitter root, but it got turned around and twisted to blame the person who was reproving evilders.all of amos is about this. Read john 3: 36 jude.and psalms 109 ..jeremiah 20 - 23..its the OPPOSITE of what it was trying to say ....the scriptures state the creator HATES ABUSERS SEE MALACHI 2.ITS THE WHOLE BOOK HE SAYS STAY AWAY FROM THEM AND THAT THEY DONT CHANGE.pastors twist it just like prophesied in ams 5 and jeremiah 23 and Ezekiel 34 ...they're mostly abusers so yeah wolves stand up for wolves
@@TR-ru7tb wow thank you!! I’ve been told I have a “bitter root” bc I call out my Christian mother for her abuse and I don’t allow her to continue to hurt me . It’s created even more pain
That part about narcissists crumbling when you get sick or even annoyed at the inconvenience is so true. My father broke down and cried when my mother got diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. It was my sister and me who mostly worked on keeping her morale up and taking care of her. She is now healthy for 8 years. I also remember when I used to get sick, I was more likely to get rage than sympathy from my father, as if I had gotten sick to annoy him.
I used to get very painful and heavy periods as a teenager. My dad treated me like a criminal for needing to rest and use the bathroom and eat.
From a spiritual standpoint, I have recently come to the conclusion, or suspicion, that the blood sucking that these emotional vampires do will give some vulnerable people (that are in their constant presence), cancer. If it’s not bad nutrition, or exposure to toxic chemicals, the narcissistic energy can penetrate our bodies and make us sick!!! THEY are the toxic chemical. Get some crystals in the house, it helps to purify/change the vibration of the energy. Like kyanite (anti-emo-vampire repellant) is good, amethyst or quartz.
@@sillyme8185 or move out/away. I literally feel much better since I minimized contact to my parents. My mother is a codependent or a covert narc am not even sure. But she joins father in gaslighting . People ask me why I am living alone and not even dating, it's because I have only gained my freedom in my late 20s and won't risk losing it. hahah. Seriously people who think being single is sad should try living with a narc for even a few months and see what it does to your mental, emotional, and physical health. I feel like I am still releasing toxicity from my whole being.
@@sillyme8185 That really helps for ppl who can't get out of narcissistic relationships. Although they can't leave, they can do their best to avoid getting sucked. Either way, the narcissist will find a way to drain the ppl around them though. Sometimes the only thing that can be done is to stop enabling toxic behavior.
@@AstroMartine My mom enabled my dad for the longest time. Sometimes it takes something really bad to happen for them to realize what's going on. That's wise that you got out before something horrible happened.
If your mom starts showing signs of disgust, sadness, or etc against your father just ask her if she's supposed to feel that way. Don't point out that your father is a narcissist. Focus on assuring your mother that she needs to know how it's like to feel the freedom that you feel.
It's just a suggestion. Of course, you know your mother better than I do. Just pay attention to what she tells you and that will bring clarity. If something is true than there should be facts that match up and support it. If there's anything that's inconsistent, there's a problem. Transparency is the key to truth. Anyone who tries to hide the true narrative has something wrong with themselves.
I'm only 1.5 minutes in & I have to say.....
I LOVE DR. RAMANI!
It's refreshing to have someone telling people what NEEDS to be said, not just what people want to hear.
Forgiveness doesn’t always need going back to them... it can mean letting go, forgiving yourself
Word it is just made difficult when it is a situation you cannot remove yourself from.
Forgiveness doesn't mean not holding the other person accountable or that you don't acknowledge that they cause far too much damage to continue keeping them in your life.
@@Moonlight.Melon.Mounter In my experience forgiveness is the result (and not the cause) of healing. Healing takes time, distance and a lot of work. It's difficult to heal with a narcissist around because their agenda is to continue to harm and create chaos (it's how they maintain control). The best you can do is try to protect yourself as best you can, be kind to yourself and don't put pressure on yourself to "forgive". Blessings.
This is the straight dope all of us need to hear who have experienced narcissists, psychopaths, cults, or gaslighting toxic positivity folks of all stripes. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
"You cannot downward dog narcissistic abuse" - best line ever
Toxic positivity is often found in spiritual and religious circles.
Religious people often equals mental illness
@Babs Franklin Hey, satan is not a guy with black skin and horns. Evil is an attitude, not a particular person.
@Eternity With Christ While the narc itself may be what we conventionally call evil, the enablers are not that malicious, but greedy enough to participate in the profit of the narc and dumb enough not to notice that the narc is in the end going to drag them down with him.
Me and narcissist went to a priest for help we’ll the narcissist ended up getting the priest to fall in love with him yup
Facts!!!
I see being told to "Just Be Strong" as another form of this. Quite often we have nothing left in our tanks, and trying to "Be strong" will lead to burnout.
this is making me ball like baby...i am so burnt out from trying to get my husband to understand me. small example...im on the keto diet and he keeps buying me sugar and carb loaded items. I refuse to eat them and he still does it...its like he wants me to fail. Ive been on it for half a year now and he still says he forgot when hes at the store buying groceries. and it also makes me sick, so he has no empathy for that, you'd think that would be the very thing that would make him understand like a normal human being, you give nuts to nut allergic person theyre going to swell or die..he still doesnt care that i get sick!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like a recovering meth addict, hanging some meth in their face with everything ready to go. its cruel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@@Oceans780 whyyyyy???? I just dont get it?? Even that, something you cant control ...its torture
My response to this is usually, “My walking away because my boundaries, well being, and personhood is my being strong! I’d rather have my peace even if it means I’m broke and alone.”
Depends on the situation.....many times there are situations where people have to breathe deep and be strong ...if there are other options sure take them. But I want ff to keep heading into fires despite the danger, and nurses to care for infected people. They tell each other, be strong.
my desire I worked in EMS. We don’t talk about work a lot for a reason. I’d honestly caution against “stay strong.” I never appreciated someone telling me to “stay strong” because inevitably it was after a kid died in my ambulance or very messed up, triggering things I’ve seen as a medic I won’t go into by a well meaning person who may or may not have known what our day was like... but truth is there’s no staying strong in those situations. There’s only autopilot so we can make through that work day. We have to compartmentalize. Theres a high burnout rate, suicide rate, and we have critical incident debriefings for a reason. If you know the person, I’d suggest asking if they ate or what self care they will practice at home. If they do confide in you about their bad day, encourage going to critical incident debriefings or counseling or just listen to them. Especially right now, emergency personnel and nursing staff need love and understanding. I’m not saying don’t be positive or encouraging... I’d just choose better words that acknowledges the sacrifices they are making and hardships they are going through to help as many people as they can while keeping their families safe. Many are not staying at home with their kids so they don’t bring the virus home. A simple “I know it must be tough for y’all right now. We appreciate the job you are doing” or if you don’t know the person might be better. “Be strong”, especially in a pandemic where they are watching folks die daily, doesn’t come across quite as well as you’d think. Don’t get me wrong we always appreciated the thought/sentiment, but a “thank you” went a lot farther because you never know what they just saw.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective *Metaspyhub@gmail. com* for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
My narc boss/pastor used this as part of her manipulation. We were all groomed to “believe the best” even when you see the bad behavior. Once I confronted her about her manipulation and she looked at me like a disappointed parent and said “Wow, why can’t you just believe the best about me?” 🙄 She was cunning enough to pick up on where others had overplayed their hand in the church world and would adjust her lies to soften the edges of the same lies others had used.
Just celebrated one year of being out!
Congrats !
Almost had the same experience with a religious pundit. I had no idea about narcissistic abuse and terms like gaslighting back then. I felt sad, stupid and betrayed...
So much so, that I completely lost my belief in the existence of God.
People around have this same over the top positivity mindset and it really bugs me out!
A pastor had narcissistic behaviors...???
😵...I'm SO shocked!
👍...
Doug Arnold 😂😂😂
I just come back from a silent meditation retreat. The only person who was allowed to speak was the course leader. I think he was ok, but when at the end they were asking for donations, and plans to build a “spiritual community” the alarm bells rang. As a survivor of child hood abuse, I have to be very careful not to get drawn into these “loving’ spiritual groups, every single one I know of, always results in trying to suck money off you. However the meditation was good, and so was the food!!!!
My narcissist boyfriend is a toxic positive person. He is always talking about how I should "see the good in everyone" and "stay positive" but what is ironic is how he sees me as an evil person for calling him out on his abusive bullshit and he is one of the most negative and judgmental people I have ever known!
@John Hooper Yeah I know every time I leave him I end up taking him back because he always contacts me and then I end up missing him
@John Hooper And I just saw the tramp he was cheating on me with pop up in the list of "suggested profiles to follow" on Instagram this morning, I feel like vomiting. He tried to justify cheating on me with her by saying, "Oh I can't control my feelings for her so as long as I don't flirt with her or buy her gifts then I can continue talking to her".
Zaakiya C It’s always a “different story” when it’s them. 😂
Zaakiya C what are you doing to yourself girl?? Screw him!! Your beautiful and deserve and can get better.
@John Hooper I know I should move on but he is still a bad person 🤷🏽♀️
And big boy pants? You mean big girl pants
😂😂😂" I just got my purse and said I was going to the restroom and walked right to the PARKING LOT" I needed that laugh
Dr Ramani , is the real deal
"Apparently, no one gave the 'universe' the manual on narcissistic abuse." Lmao, I love it! You tackled this topic with the perfect amount of snark, Dr. Ramani. I think it's one of your best videos, thank you.
Toxic positivity is the same as looking at things through rose coloured glasses and drinking the kool-aid
it's just denial. Same as 'faith'......evidence of things hoped for or just straight denial of what is real right now!!!!!
Yes one word DENIAL
That's why I call them Cleopatra. Because they're the queen of denial.
Which was literally what Jim Jones did along with his followers @ the Jonestown Massacre
Through rose coloured glasses all the red flags are just flags
Such a breath of fresh air. The message in this video, and the authenticity with which Dr. Ramani expressed it, was so deeply validating...Dr. Ramani is the kind of friend I'd want to have my back. Thank you for your deep understanding of the devastation we're facing, and your genuine support in the healing process. You're doing work that matters, Dr. Ramani.
I will never forget the time I left my narc abuser because he broke my jaw, after having two operations I finally told my narc mother (Had no idea at the time) and the very first words she said to me was, ‘are you going to forgive him’. Lol disgusting.
Wow
😳 Tha Hell! So sorry you've had to deal with the emotional and physical pain. I hope you are doing well now!
My Narc mother would say, “he loves you he just doesn’t know how to love you” 😐🙄
@@dianetgomez7410 it is staggering the enablers isnt it ...
Hope you are narc free :)
Yikes.
This was like a long overdue rant that anyone with emotional intelligence beyond a middle school level needs to hear for the sake of external validation. Thank you for doing this
Love the sarcasm and voice mimicry. Made my day 😂
You're looking fabulous Dr. R, never better!
😍
Just when I start doubting myself and reaching into my empathy bucket, you snap me out of it. Thank you. Not only are my parents and sister narcs, they're each other's toxic positivity partner, flying monkey and stonewalling system. They take turns in each role. There's never any peace, you're either at the end of a cycle or entering another. This is why I left. It was hell on earth.
Good for you!!! You're wise and strong!! Be free!! Stay away and keep loving yourself! ❤
Since this pandemic shut everything down, like everyone, I've had plenty of time to think and realize that my pastor is a narcissist.
Been there. So sorry... but don’t give up on finding healthy Christian leadership. You’ll be less likely to be fooled again if you take time to understand how you were deceived this time.
I've rewritten this several times for fear of sounding self-absorbed with toxic positivity. It hurts, it's confusing and it feels like a lie. I found out mine was too. I was blessed to find another one, a really good one.
I feel that non-narcisstic people tend to not gravitate towards positions of totalitarian control & leadership. The correlation between a cult leader and an cult, and a Narcissist and his/her supply are undeniable. So when you have positions that grant the kind of religious control of massive amounts of people, the sort of person that will work the hardest to be in that position will likely be for pretty self serving, nefarious reasons. Not that im bagging out your faith in Jesus at all, after all didn't Jesus not only warn against false gurus, but he himself never wrote anything down and never preached or tried to have a massive following, it was just 12 dudes following him around and writing down stuff he said in an effort to learn from him, flash forward you have self styled 'gatekeepers' of his wisdom and teachings praising themselves as the conduits to god, jesus and eternal life. I was brought up in a religious cult, and the blindly following the leaders never sat right with me, i always thought my mother and step father were on the wrong path (they were both narcissists too)
Honestly, MANY ARE!
Toxic positivity sounds like an oxymoron, unless you’ve lived it. So thankful to have this explained so well. Watching this was a eureka moment for me.
"You need to stop dwelling on the negative" Yeah... The beatings, the lies, exploitation and fear mongering was the only relationship my father had with me, but sure, I'm 'dwelling' on the negative 😒
There wasn't anything but negative in my relationship with my father either. There wasn't anything positive at all. He lived with us for a few years and did nothing but wickedness. All of his visits in later years were nothing but wickedness.
I’d die on the hill of fighting toxic positivity. I can’t stand it
Me either. It can cause a lot of damage.
Yes.
@roberty
I can't stand either.
Timely piece, and overdue in fact. My ex-bf's mom had a term for this: she would say," don't jolly me up".
Oh I like that expression, I'm going to definitely use that. : )
I needed to hear this to finally realize how my parents, friends, and the narcissists have invalidated my feelings and intuition all my life. No wonder I’m used to being in invalidating relationships. I’ve been watching many of your videos and this one definitely 💡 lightbulb moment.
It's great to be thankful for your blessings, BUT realistically the resulting hurt and pain of repeated narcissistic abuse is not simply assuaged by someone telling you, "It can be worse!" or "Count your blessings!" It just makes you feel guilty for even voicing your problems to people, which makes you feel even more duped, sullen and alone in your damaging experiences. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for bringing this issue to light.
Yes I agree, I don't know about all this be grateful and have gratitude stuff sometimes. I'm in a bad situation where I have to live with my narcisstic dad again and I get scolded just to be grateful I'm not homeless. Now granted, I am glad I'm not homeless but this isn't a great situation either!!! Wish I could leave, no one else will take me in.
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 That's the problem. The hardship of these times forces people back into situations they had escaped from.
It is sad that people would use gratitude as a way to invalidate you. I used it to invalidate myself. The purpose of gratitude is to raise your vibration so that you can attract more positive things into your life. By being grateful we open our minds to possibilities, so that we can GET OUT of the problem, not to REMAIN STUCK. So gratitude may be gratitude for a roof over my head. Gratitude that I am resilient enough to face this abuse courageously until I found an alternative solution. Gratitude that I am resourceful to find solutions. Gratitude that I learn every day what I do not want and what I want. Gratitude that I was before strong and resourceful enough to walk away from this. Gratitude for the resolve to find another solution. Gratitude for the commitment to find _________ or better. Gratitude that I will end this as soon as____. Gratitude that today I was able to grey rock for 2 hours. Gratitude for the resolution to grey rock tomorrow for 3 hours. Gratitude that by being on this channel, I know I am not the bad/mad, ungrateful one. Gratitude that I now at least understand what is happening and that is not me , but them. Gratitude that every day I am getting stronger and understanding more. (And yes, I have been in a similar situation and there was days that I felt no gratitude and could not find one thing to be grateful for. Sometimes I just copied the pages I wrote on better days)
The worst phrase is Hurt people hurt people... Oh my gawd. Some ppl are defending themselves and other people aren't hurt they're just assholes. God forbid you don't forgive a toxic person crossing your boundaries or reinforce your boundaries.
Quite often these types hide their own anger and negativity just below the surface.
YEP positivity in the front. passive-aggressive in the back
@@IAmDasani so real. so so real
Bang on! I remember someone who was very abusive to my son being a toxic positivity person & they are still that way - it's easier for them to be hooked on the positivity of crystals, universe, etc. rather than deal with the ugliness in their life & the damage they have done to others. It is sad but true.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent I was regularly told to respect, to love to forgive. I was told (by him and others) that he really loved me and that therefore I had to accept his treatment of me. I refused. I found it very difficult to do this in the face of so much opposition and being immersed in a culture of forgiveness at any cost, but I realised I had to refuse for my own survival. Eventually I chose to walk away and I have been much the better for it. This video is wonderfully validating. Dr Ramani really gets it.
Rosybug 100% right! Just keep walking and never doubt yourself cause you listened to your inner voice that you must trust because it always tells the truth.
“You create your own happiness”, “Love always wins”, “You are both complicated people”, just a few of the things I heard from family/friends that kept me in the marriage for too many years. I know better now, the only way “through it” is to get out, only then can you begin to make your own happiness.
Oh why do we even bother telling them! They're in fantasy and wish we were too!
Wow. This is so interesting and soo relevant. I love that this is a thing.
I stayed with a violent man for 4 years because of these “well meaning” friends. His rage my fault. Wonderfully manipulative to label healthy expression of emotions as a defect or instability, until the narc is unhappy then there is only one emotion - rage and that’s your fault!
I had to look at why I couldn’t validate my own experience. I do now. Narcs have like kind around them so get rid of all of them. Healthy people don’t find toxic attractive so if you keep toxic around you won’t find healthy. Anyone who tells you how you should feel, is arrogant and toxic.
@Eternity With Christ Yeah, my ex-boyfriend is really popular in the church and Christian community. He pretends to care about everyone, but doesn't really care about anyone but himself. He even pretended to be a missionary but was only a tourist who ignored the needs of desperate children who needed his help when he went to their orphanage.
Your comment might do alot of people some good.
The only connection I can think of is that both are based on the perpetrator’s undue emphasis of his/her own thoughts/emotions. In narcissistic abuse, perpetrators usually expresses the attitude that everything centers around them. They may object to that description and even insist that they don’t believe that; but, their actions say otherwise. Virtually everything you do/don’t do gets tied back to the perpetrator as a person. You’re either doing something right b/c you’re smart, capable, etc., or you’re intentionally doing it wrong in order to hurt/anger the perpetrator in some way. You are also likely to be accused of doing it wrong, even if you’re doing it right-again b/c of the perpetrator’s thoughts/emotions. Toxic positivity is generally not perpetrated with the intention to hurt anyone, and most wouldn’t even recognize it as being toxic/hurtful; but, in most cases, the perpetrator is still oblivious to the effect it has on others, and to the value of that effect. Narcissism is a psychological disorder and, with few exceptions, abuse is perpetrated with the tangible intention of causing harm. In contrast, toxic positivity is a behavioral flaw that is essentially an extreme version of selfishness, based in denial, and is generally perpetrated with the intention of maintaining and creating happiness. Most people are selfish, in some way or another. Toxic positivity is a subtle expression of selfishness-so subtle that even the perpetrator may not realize why it’s wrong b/c, after all, s/he is only seeking to encourage/uplift people. This is where denial comes in. Most people struggle/suffer, at some point or another. I believe that most people are also aware that there are people who experience more pain than they are aware of from their own lives. Denial allows people to look at someone who reminds them of themselves and assume that they cannot be justified in their suffering b/c the observer is not suffering. Denial also allows people who have suffered to deny the significance of other people’s suffering b/c it is notably different from their own, or b/c they perceive it as being notably different. From here, there are 2 extremes: One is for them to be semi-consciously abusive-meaning that they are generally aware that their actions are hurtful; but, they rationalize it as being justified. The other is to perpetrate toxic positivity-in which they are completely unaware that their actions are hurtful and it’s difficult for them to identify why they would be. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...