I'm a clinician I co-sign this message . We are masking self isolation for self care and it's causing more harm. It's takes a village to make it through. healing doesn't happen in a vacuum.
@@katakesh8566 harm is subjective we just have to consider how beneficial it is to our well-being long term. Self isolation can be beneficial for reflection but not long term.
@@miti342 Traveling can be good. I've travelled alone and had good experiences, but it is risky. And it is just so much more fulfilling to go travelling with friends. The best experiences I've had travelling have been when I'm meeting up with or hanging out with a big group of people. It's also much safer too.
I wish people understood that if you want fulfilment in life, you have to do hard, uncomfortable and inconvenient things. This Convenience Generation is deeply unsatisfied because they refuse to accept this. Sacrifice leads to gain, either for yourself or those you love. Also, you reap what you sow. One day you will need someone to be inconvenienced for you, but if you never bothered to do it for others why would you expect it done for you
People do understand that, you just assume they don’t cause you want to feel superior. And doing hard things for fulfilment in life is completely different to being a good friend, and then expecting your friends to be good to you in return. And the vast majority know both these things, so no need for the ‘I wish people were wonderful like me’. They know. People aren’t walking around lost while you have the answers.
@@missNCW looool I honestly don't know how you drew this conclusion from what I said. Then again we're both strangers on the internet; you don't know me and I don't know you. Any commentary on society I make includes me, what I said applies to me as well. I have specific goals this year to challenge myself to do hard things and show up better for friends, so there's that. Also, I never said people don't know, I said people refuse to understand and accept which then leads to inaction and unfulfillment. I understand there's nuance to this topic but I'm not here to write a thesis in RUclips comments. Anyways, go off sis, or bro, or bot
I thought I was weird for thinking people are weird for not wanting to be even a little bit social. Socializing is like a good walk, you may not want to do it but you feel much better afterwards.
Absolutely this. Last week I agreed to go to south London even though I love far up north to meet some work friends at my new job. One girl had been working from home and was too tired to come to central. It would have been reasonable for me to say "next time." But often there isn't a next time when it comes to making new friends. I went anyway. Had a brilliant time, almost missed the last train and got home late af. It was super inconvenient. It was also great fun and I'm hoping it put me well on the way to making new friends.
I must be broken then because I always feel much worse afterwards. I take everything that was said by me and the other party/parties and overanalyze it to hell, and just beat myself up afterwards and regret ever even speaking to anyone. I can't just let it go. I also really hate myself and that won't be changed through my relationships with other people; it will just bring them down too and I'd rather be alone than do that to someone.
You totally read my mind. There are a bunch of people bragging about the fact that they constantly flake out on plans, never put effort into their friendships, etc. but then get mad when people call them selfish and no longer want to be friends with them. Expecting any sort of investment from your friends/relationships nowadays makes you "high maintenance".
Yeah, I don’t really brag about it but I don’t really put much effort into most of my connections. Difference with me is that I’m constantly surprised to see that I have friends at all. It’s that weird inbetween of knowing I need some amount of social interaction but also really, really disliking dealing with the complexity of it and the potential drama or frustrations that occur.
I had a friend who would continuously ignore me whenever I would invite her to something or plan something for us to do together. Not even a “no” or “I don’t know if I can” at all, just no response. That was a consistent problem with her that other people had with her as well but when I was the one to finally call her out for it, she said I was “holding her to impossible standards.” She was just a selfish person overall.
I've noticed that, too. I think it's fine if the feelings are mutual, but a lot of these people get upset if someone wants friendships with more mutual investment so they don't feel like they're in a one-sided relationship.@TeaspoonGravel-cr7fx
If my friend asks me to pick them up, I'm picking them up. It's not about trains and Ubers, it's about being reliable and making your friend feel loved
I went to France and everyone was like this and I was flabbergasted. Like my friends were hosting me, cooking for me, picking me up, dropping me off, going OUT OF THEIR WAY for me. I was astonished and I started doing that and my life and friendships are so much better
This sounds like a dream. I really wish this was the case in the UsA. I try to do this for friends but feel like it ends up where I am just giving, giving, and I don’t get the same effort in return. So it makes you more protective of your time.
As someone who used to try to host a lot of parties, I’ve noticed that people like to have options - or will wait to see if something better will come up - instead of just committing to something. I watched a TikTok recently where a girl speaks about this, it resonated with me and it was sad to see so many people in the comments section recalling times they invested time, money and resources into hosting only for people to bail on them at the last minute!
I did this sort of thing in my 20's and 30's, and had the same experience. In fact, they wanted me to play secretary and call people to find out who was going and then they could decide if they wanted to show up or not. Once I began getting exhausted from that, and then simply asked people to put their dirty cups in the sink, only to find out they were complaining about having to do that simple a task, I stopped hosting entirely. I had one girl call me up and ask when I was going to start hosting again. I told her I wasn't and she could host at her place if she wanted to. She replied with that didn't want to bc it was too much hassle. So I said, "good, then you understand how I feel. I'm tired of you people." Most of the people I hosted for never contacted me again after that. I learnt a lot about friendship during that time in my life. Once it stopped being convenient for them (after 6.5 years of hosting, mind you), I was nothing to them.
I want to call it something like "the dating app mindset" which is just a type of hyper "grass is greener" - There's always the potential or allure of something better than what currently exists, and we've been tricked into believing if we maintain that mindset and keep swiping, we'll find the right thing. People have taken the "Well, I'll see if I find something better first" and applied it to not only dating apps but social engagement as a whole.
I've noticed this, trying to make friends as a freshman in college. My peers don't want friendships, they want people to hang out with where everything's easy and no one ever talks about or deals with anything difficult. They have no investment in the people around them and don't care to be there for people going through hard times, and they don't want to talk about it at all when something difficult comes up. I as a person am not compatible with that kind of nonconfrontational attitude towards the less pretty parts of life, because I don't lie about my circumstances basically ever and I deal with a lot of difficult things in my life, and a large part of how I work through those difficult things is by talking to people about it! I really don't understand how anyone can remain satisfied with all of their friendships being only surface level, but a lot of people aren't willing to put in the work for anything beyond that. They won't go out of their way for anything, ever. That's no way to build intimacy and that's one of many reasons why members of my generation are so overwhelmingly lonely even when they have dozens of friends at close reach at any given time.
It depends, as most relationships, even before the phone age, most were surface level. It's not a bad thing, but it's getting worse, which it's not good
I feel the same as you do. I'm in a shellshock being out in college away from home isolated and unable to find peers who have any depth or take any initiative in their lives, let alone to make intentional meaningful memories with others. I try to meet as many new people as I can and stay positive. But the constant hypervigilance and the aloneness does get to me. If you wanted to chat more, maybe we could talk more. Best of luck with everything!
@@sophiafigueroa2228 I've been feeling the same way since I got out of highschool (I'm 22 now) but it's refreshing to know I'm not alone in feeling this way, 'cause being antisocial seems to be the norm now and it's so hard to make friends let alone make plans with anyone
i’ve been in groups that are completely surface level before and it sucks. it’s the feeling of loneliness when surrounded by others that makes you think you’re broken. i’d rather be alone than a part of a group like that. people put so much weight on familial and romantic relationships but never think about building deeper intimacy with friends.
@@blessingknowseverything9609having great conversations with strangers is also great. I've had some super cool interactions with people I'll prob never see again
I’m stuck on this. My friends are quite naggy. They’re 18-19 can’t drive. I’m 17, I can. I have a job. I make money, they don’t. I want to cut them off and ultimately I think I will but I’m still conflicted on the whole deal. We aren’t on the same page, which isn’t required, but it just makes it harder. They genuinely provide no benefit to me, not even conversation or company. I am soley a benefit to them, they come to me for tasks, rides, or money. It’s ALWAYS an inconvenience. I know the answer I guess I need to vent and this video came to me, kinda triggered me.
I made it a goal in 2023 to try and make new friends by actually putting myself out there and going to new meet-ups in the city regularly, and as a work-from-home suburbanite it was HELLA inconvenient to have to get ready, get out of my house, and make the long drive back-and-forth to meet new people that I wasn't even sure I was going to vibe with. The result? I actually made new friends (what a shocker!!) and I realized putting in the effort to "inconvenience" myself & my new friends to meet up regularly actually made me happier and open to even more new friendships.
That’s where I’m at right now. I live in a suburb of a big city so to go to any social events I have to drive half an hour but I’m hoping it’ll pay off soon
this!! and i don't even drive. i have paid $30+ both ways via uber just to meet up with people and i don't mind at all. i've actuall made new friends and strengthened friendships!!
Fuck I must be the only one who hates cancelled plans. Sure there are some days its probably for the best bc I'm tired or whatever but still it's disappointing. Especially if I've planned my day out for that outing or visit. I know a lot of the time I'm having to cancel bc of health reasons but its frustrating.
It really frustrates me because I'm usually the one doing all the work for these plans. Then, get canceled at the last minute with no follow-up. It makes me feel like trash, and it has caused me to want to cancel/not plan to hang at all! It is like a virus that spreads, and loneliness is addicting. I've started just trying to look for other people who do want to do things and hang out. Hard, but it hurts far less than the friendship that had loads of time and effort invested only to get emotionally smacked down time after time.
I can't stand it either. I understand if there is an emergency/extenuating circumstance, but if someone just cancels on me because "they don't feel like it", I'm canceling them from all future plans lol
It’s so fustrsting the amount of events I’ve showed up to and even faked enthusiasm (cause no one wants to invite someone out who is just gonna mope around on their phones). Just for me to be ditched last minute. I’ve dropped so many ‘friends’ in my life for treating me like such an inconvenience (I would literally just be wanting to spend time)
Friend, you are not! Cancelled plans, especially last minute cancelled plans, bugs the hell out of me, too. Like I'm busy as hell, so sometimes I only get one day out of a week to hang out with someone. So when they cancel, it's like "there goes my socializing for the week." Now you have to either race to find something else to do, or you do nothing and sink into that FOMO. Then people not even following up or trying to reschedule makes you feel like they never really wanted to hang out to begin with.
I agree!!! I bonded with my nephew who turned out to be one of the greatest humans that I've ever known by being inconvenienced with babysitting. My friend used to make fun of me when I would say that I wanted him for myself 😂... He passed away 1 month after his 5th birthday. I'm forever grateful for our time together 💞🧸
It's amazing how the online world has changed real life relationships. About 20 years ago I knew I could ask some friends to help me move and they would happily do it for pizza and beer, and somehow make a fun day of it. They knew I'd have their backs, too, so I didn't feel guilty about it. It was the normal thing to do. These days it's like we can't even call up a good friend at a more "polite" time of day without feeling like a big inconvenience. I feel that this trend is far stronger for younger people who kind of grew up this way...I hope that eventually we see that it's not helping anyone and make an effort to reverse this. True friendships and connection are never just about ourselves and what's "easy", but more about creating a mutual support system. I've recently realized that happiness comes mostly from turning outside ourselves rather than always being stuck in our own heads.
This!!! I remember one time in summer, I ordered a huge package full of things for my upcoming vacation, but for some reason they delivered it to a post station in the city center. Because the package was very big, I called a close friend of mine who lived 5 minutes away from the station. I just needed someone to help me carry the package to the train station, which was like 2-4 minutes away from the post office, and I promised to get pizza and boba afterwards. Well she declined, with no particular reason why. I get that you might not wanna lose 20 minutes of your day for someone else’s package, but there was no other way for me to carry that alone. It’s been almost a year since that happened, and she still calls me her bestest friend, but after this situation, I’m not that sure anymore, as I know that if I ever needed her help again, I can’t count on her ://
It's so strange for me because I'm gen z, and I used to laugh about the dramatic videos they'd show us in school (like, Look Up From Your Phone, etc) and I didn't things were this bad. But once I left school around 16, it became apparent just how antisocial people were really becoming, and how little people really cared about you when you weren't forced to be in the same building together for 6 hours a day. I'm 22 now, and been living alone since 16, struggling so bad with loneliness and isolation since those days, and it's only gotten worse. But it is given me so much relief to know I am not the only person who thinks and feels this way, since being antisocial seems to be the norm now. Most of my old friends have become introverts, some of them I rarely even see, but the extreme end of it is not even bothering to respond to text messages or answer phone calls. I have actually ended friendships with a few people for that reason. And the funny thing is, they used to always tell me how much of a great friend I was, and how much they appreciated me. Really? 'Cause maybe if you appreciated me, we could actually hang out together, or you could at least send me a text. I understand when people are busy, or financially struggling, meeting up often isn't an option. But my best friend lived right next door, and would sleep in until the afternoon then spend all day playing videogames. I feel like my generation are just throwing their lives away, and I'm doing it as well, because all the outdoor activities I want to do are just not the same when you don't have anyone else to do them with. But I guess I just commented to say, that it wasn't always like this. I'm only 22 now but I remember playing out in the streets until late on summer nights, up until the age of 14. And even at 15 I went to a youth club regularly in the city. It feels to me like it started to be this way around late 2017 / early 2018. But Covid has made things a million times worse. My introvert friends were starting to go out and have fun, but since covid some of them barely leave the house. It's really, really sad. And I hope there's a way to change things.
Times are tough people have to overwork to survive in this capitalistic society to the point they barely have time off for hobbies,family so spending my only day off doing labor for people who only call when they need favors for pizza lol doesnt seem worth it sorry lol.I'll happily help family and people whom I hear from outside of them needing me
I think cancelled plans or everyone sticking too much to themselves has led to increased loneliness, lack of partners romantically and isolation. I always enjoy spending time with people
right literally all of my friends have met their partners through social gatherings and meeting new people but now that it's become the norm to cancel and rarely make plans with your friends people aren't going to social gathering anymore plus covid/lockdown has made this problem much worst
@@Genesisorgin agree completely I met my partner through mutual friends and the one before in uni If not for that I dunno how I would have found a a partner Social settings are important
I'm starting to think most people don't need individual talk therapy but actually need more of group setting. There aren't many points in history where entire communities sat for one on one talks with healers or religious leaders every single week. Catholic confessions is the only one that comes to mind. But with the exception of traumatic events, like being in mourning, people tended to talk things out as a community. It takes a village far past the point of raising children. Adults need villages too. We've reached a point of individualism that we feel we can't be in one another's lives until we've "fixed" all our issues. We are only worthy of relationships once we are no longer an emotional burden to one another.
"We are only worthy of relationships once we are no longer an emotional burden to one another." I fully believe this and it is why I don't seek friendships and relationships. I'm far, far, far too broken to let others in. I need to fix myself first and I just don't believe in "growing together".
I agree. For me, there’s no such thing as perfection, especially emotionally. Being imperfect is basically the definition of humanity and what it means to be human. And I want to experience life with other people. I find isolation so counterintuitive to healing anyway.
@@htac22849 I think you should read Terrence Real. Relationships are what hurts us and what heals us. It's quite literally scientifically proven that we're social being that are very interdependent. Not codependent, but interdependent. I mean.. if you're trying to improve for relationships I don't understand how you can do it alone. Would you try to improve your piano skills without a piano?
I think everyone should start reducing their screen time to get some grasp on reality. I'm barely on my phone nowadays and it's so weird when you see other people staring into their phone while you are together. You literally feel like a ghost. I never noticed how impolite and ignorant it can be until I started becoming fully present and aware of my surroundings again. Also reducing my screen time gave me back so much life quality and energy. Suddenly I feel motivated to go out more often to meet (new) people, getting things done I used to procrastinate on, etc. The only thing that's missing is other people joining in.. :')
this is it! i deleted most of my social medias and my phone time is around 3-4 hours daily at Most and now that spring is kicking in i have so much motivation to do things that are tangible and real because the internet isnt taking up all my time
I had someone once tell me my phone was boring because I let them borrow it to text someone and only had one social media app, music/podcasts/RUclips, and two games installed as far as entertainment goes (which personally I feel like even what I have now is a lot). I average about an hour a day on my phone and usually most of that time is playing music in the shower or while I cook. I also feel like it's considered a more dangerous/intimate thing to do to let someone borrow your phone nowadays. It's a simple favor, but phones are expensive and hold a lot of private information for people today, so just asking "Hey, can I borrow your phone for a minute?" gets a lot of people defensive. Not to mention that if you're *calling* someone through another's phone, people get so many junk calls nowadays that it's unlikely the receiver will pick up, even if they are able to.
@@Qrr0wned someone may want to maintain their screen time because it's not harming them enough to cause them to make a change or because it'd be too much of a hassle for them to change their screen time.
I think more people need to understand that the epidemic of loneliness isn’t something that all people are doing to themselves…everyone is not as selfish as social media might make you think. It is imperative to hold space for nuance in conversations like this
@@abella11 I think one of the influences in this is the fact that 3rd places are disappearing for teenagers and children. It's so much harder to hang-out with friends as a teen or child because there are no more places to hang-out (or at least they are slowly disappearing), outside of school or your house. And I guess adults can't afford to host at their place like older generations; but then again, you could ask everyone to bring something along so less financial strain on the hoster.
we've socially adopted the idea that everyone in our life has to "serve" us in some way. when someone ceases to serve a function in our life we immediately seek to remove/replace them, through the belief that we need to maximize the net benefit from our peers, social circles, romantic relationships, etc. we've adapted this philosophy of choosing isolation and lack of connection with others instead of developing deeper and long-term relationships in our own lives justified by "protecting our mental health" and "self-improvement", ignoring that social relationships are not always upwards and people need each other to depend upon to develop a sense of community and to make everyone's lives better in some way, even if it always isn't easy
along with this, we also have the selfish practice that we are entitled to the immediate removal of anyone in our life at any moment. we swiftly cut-off people at our own will and push all blame onto the person regardless of the history of the relationship, hence the practice of "ghosting". just like a corporate job, your friends and relationships become your employees who can be terminated at any moment. with this in mind, it becomes difficult to really develop a sense of meaning between two individuals since either reserves the right to end the social relationship if one doesn't remain as an asset. friends and relationships become temporary and we almost narcissistically believe that we don't owe them anything. of course we still should be able to do this to those who are truly hurting us, but currently the practice of "terminating" a social relationship has far extended its range.
People always ask me and my best friend and roommate what is the secret to our 11 year friendship and it’s SACRIFICE!! But not me constantly sacrificing myself for her but both us of having the patience and understanding for each other and pulling more weight for a period of time until the other can! We all have periods of depression, uncertainty and laziness you just have to trust that they’ll get u back!
On the other hand, this reminded me of an over 10-year long friendship I had given up simply because my best friend eventually stopped investing in our friendship when it comes to open communication and trust. The moment he stopped being close to me by the end of it when he built up a lot of walls and established too many boundaries, refusing to open up and explain himself out of fear that his reputation in our community might get damaged, and then hurting me because he refused to sacrifice a part of himself for my emotional needs by being vulnerable so he began treating me sarcastically and inconsiderately, I ended our friendship. He had always been at the top of my relationship priority list and I was a snappy communicator who responds to him at a whim, goes out for a hang out the moment he mentions it, and being creatively motivated people with so many similar interests we do a lot of projects together, and I was very patient with him because he was a guy who struggled being open and vulnerable due to his background and experience. But I gave up on him, and he fell so low in my priority list that other better more transcended people took over his place and I could no longer find time for him even though he continued reaching out to me like he had always done. He soon got replaced by another 10-year long friend who recently became my boyfriend, who was 10x better as a person than he ever could be.
Thank you for talking about this. Our culture is turning more self-isolating because people don’t want to be inconvenienced. Yes, friendships require work, but they’re worth it!
People don’t want FRIENDS they want all the benefits OF friendship with none of the work of building & maintaining meaningful relationships. They want people to invite them to hang out, but don’t actually want to go & interact. They want someone to open up to or conveniently pick up them from the airport, but think it a chore to do the same for others. They revel in the feeling of others thinking about or including them, & that’s it. I blame narcissistic tends like “Main Character energy” making people so selfish that they treat anyone who isn’t them like irrelevant NPCs wasting their energy.
On a similar note, I'm still learning to drive and I jokingly asked a friend to give me a lift home because Uber at that time of day costed around £30. He acted very incredulous, as though I was asking something unacceptable of him. He said the fuel alone would cost more than £30 and that even if it didn't, 45 minutes of his time (12 miles each way) was worth more than £30. I figured out the fuel cost. At an overestimate, it would've been £2.90 which I would've been happy to pay and more for his time. I totally understood why he didn't want to give almost an hour of his time at like 11PM, which is why the request was a joke. But it was kind of sickening to hear how a friend saw something like this as a pure transaction and nothing else. Because I get passionate about little details, I mentioned how this didn't make sense. If it was worth more than £30 in fuel and labour then Uber would charge like £60 and necessarily pay their employees less than what their labour's worth. But the real problem was how he was viewing a (jokingly asked) favour as some offensive and unfavourable transaction.
That’s what I have been noticing, especially online. People don’t want to text others back, to pick up a phone call or to just show up to other people and get surprised they have a hard time getting/keeping friends. Relationships are based on work, from both ends, I cannot be a one way street or else they don’t last. Just like you said, people want the benefits of friendship without actually putting any effort in.
Co-sign this so much. 1) After you cancel on me multiple times, I WILL CANCEL YOU! Coz clearly I'm not a priority in your life. And I say that after having bended over backwards trying to accommodate people and their mental health. Bring back decency - and yes, its a balance/tension 2) On in/convenience and spiritual practices - I'm trying to bring back the discipline of fasting twice a week, and I realise its becoming harder than it was when I was younger because I rarely say no to myself. And if we don't have that internal discipline imagine the societal ramifications
Hmmm yes fasting is such a good practice for so many reasons. I need to start implementing it too. It's always been a difficult one for me because I DO NOT like discomfort lol!
@@AdellaAfadiAlso keep in mind, for a lot of women, fasting is not recommended so experiment with it and see how you feel. Don’t feel bad if it’s not for you.
Fasting during (most of) Lent has taught me how good it can be to give up good things like comfort (or even food) for the sake of something even better.
Love love love this video! We live in SUCH an individualistic world, where selfishness is definitely the culture. But the very cornerstone of love is selflessness. I want to work on being the kind of friend who is willing--and WANTING--to do things i don't feel like doing in order to love and serve others.
Definitely! I know i'm personally trying to make sure i am not that way, you know? Because in the past i have caught myself pointing at other people like "i can't believe they're doing this thing or that thing", but then as soon as i looked at myself i was like "wow! I'm ten times worse". Its just an ongoing life lesson that requires a ton of introspection i suppose. And GRACE :D ❤@@clau_sing_
Thank you oh my god, I feel so disconnected from my generation (gen z) because of exactly what you said in this video. Friendships feel cold, transactional, filled with therapy speak. No ones willing to be uncomfortable, patient, forgiving, anything. People are so selfish and dont want any depth to their friendships. I just recently lost my friendship with my closest friend i ever had after I realized that they did not care about me like I did about them. That I put far more emotional effort than they ever did, even when I didnt want to. Because it was the right thing to do.
Not religious at all, but you hit the jackpot of analysis here. I haven’t had a lot of good friends in my life, yet I’ve found the best one possible last year. She realized I was down, called me (which nobody ever does) and had a super spontaneous breakfast out with me. She also cooked with me, and doesn’t mind when we don’t have the possibility to meet up for a few days/weeks. I love her so much.
Totally agree. We've swung so far that people really don't know how relationships are built. We are in a friendship/ relationship call it what you want crisis because people have forgot its these experiences that lead to building rapport. How are you going to get to know a person, their character, traits, strengths, values if you won't do anything for them unless it connivences you. It's the YOU show at that point and you can't build genuine, good, healthy relationships without balance and balance means both good and bad!! No-one is promoting people pleasing, its a give and take situation.
I really love when people ask me for help, or let me properly offer. I have a handful of friends who will refuse my help or cooking because it feels more polite, but I spend a lot of my time feeling useless as a disabled person, it kinda hurts when they do?
you are definitely not useless no one is useless we all have something to give. I'm sorry that you feel this way maybe try expressing to your friends how you feel. I use to be like this I would refuse help from anyone one time it was raining and my friend's mom pulled over to drive me to school with my friend I refused because I thought I was doing the polite thing by not inconviecing them now I look back and cringe because she was already going the same way to drop off my friends and she had already pulled over I did this a couple times throughout High school but now I release when people go out of their way to help you , you let them that's the nice thing to do and makes everyone happier. Try telling your friends it makes you feel better to help them.
You should honestly tell them, if they’re decent people they will understand. One of my friends explained to me why it hurts when she wants to do something for me and I don’t let her. Now I’m more receiving and our friendship is richer 😊
@@juanis8219I don’t understand this, but I’m open to it. Generally, I don’t ask or want things from friends. Like I literally never feel like I want people to give me things, so when it’s offered most times I don’t want/need it (I’ll take some brownies though lol) so I say no because then it could be given elsewhere to someone who does need it. I’ve had people get upset because I don’t accept help but I never need it. Then I get upset because it feels manipulative. Like what is it that YOU want from me that you get upset that I’m ok for the most part.
I’ve got social anxiety, so being around people is a little more difficult for me, but I will suck it up and bring up difficult conversation topics. I’ve heard people boasting about how they’ve never argued, and my reaction is “Your relationship won’t be strong when you do.” I’ve realized I’ve not been good at keeping up with my friends, and I don’t talk to them a lot so I’ve been scared thinking “were we really ever friends? I don’t know a lot about them.” So I’ve been increasingly thinking about how to improve myself to talk more and stay good friends and become better friends. I still have other things I’m trying to do, though, so that’s been on the back burner until I do some real self-care and clean my room and get my hygiene habits up to par. Can’t take care of my friends if I can’t take care of myself!
I agree, I think we need to remember that we're not just living for ourselves. YES SELF-CARE YES HAVE BOUNDARIES and YES YOU CAN GO OOUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE EASIER SOMETIMES TOO
one comment from my therapist that's stuck with me for a while now was when I was venting about how I didn't feel connected to those around me, she mentioned, "It doesn't sound like you need a therapist. It sounds like you need a friend."
I like what you said about "have our feelings become our God?", I never share my feelings with others but when I am alone, it kind of became my God. I remember hearing a long time ago "your feelings should just be a feeling. When it happens, process it and move on, do not let it linger, it stays longer than it should when you do" and since I've been doing that, I realized I'm more happier these days. I've noticed since doing this, it seems more people than not are allowing their feelings to override many things in their lives. But I think as a society, this can be improved and worked on.
This is such a minor minor critique, but I feel like the title of the video speaks to a different issue than the one addressed. There is a difference between being an inconvenience and being inconvenienced and, I feel, a different mindset to both as well. Your video talked about why we should accept more inconveniences into our lives rather than taking the easy ways because that helps us grow as people - and you absolutely smashed it! I agree with every point you made. However, I think there is another side to the conversation of how inconvenience has exacerbated the loneliness epidemic, and that is people not wanting to be THE inconvenience. For all the (rightful) criticism of prioritizing ourselves above all else, I’d love to explore more of what has led to people refusing to ask for help or favors because they don’t want to be seen as a burden - In fact, are these phenomena related? Do we fear being considered an inconvenience because we ourselves hate to be inconvenienced (or vice versa)? And I think about this because, personally, it is like pulling teeth to get myself to ask my friends for favors because I assume they don’t want to or they already have plans or whatever excuse - but this year, I’m really trying to undo that thought process by…giving my friends the chance to make that decision for themselves! For example, if I needed a ride home from the airport, rather than just assuming that my friends have better things to do, I would ask and let them be the ones to tell me so. And it’s totally fine if they do, but they just might not have anything else taking up their time and might be happy to help. Otherwise, I’ve essentially made a decision for them on their behalf without their input, which feels disrespectful of their autonomy. Anyway, this turned into a bit of a ramble, so I want to say again that this was an excellent video and I appreciate your thoughts!
I honestly also wonder if the whole inconvenience/ inconvenienced thing is related because maybe people are just projecting yk but the real question is - 'i feel like an inconvenience when I ask people things so let me not ask' or 'i feel so inconvenienced when people ask me for things so I hope they don't ask me '
yes I agree people don't want to be burden by others and now we over think everything so we don't become the burden to others. My friend had her birthday during my mock school exams (they don't go to our grades or anything just practice test but still important) and my friend didn't tell me when her birthday was I got the date wrong and never bothered to check because when I brought up plans for her birthday she never corrected me even after it had pass but then when I checked 3 days before what I thought was her birthday I had released I got the date wrong I felt so bad and guilty so called her she said it was fine because she knows how stressed I was over my exams and didn't want to inconvenience me (or our other friends) I felt bad because it wasn't an inconvenience to celebrate her birthday and I missed out on creating an imporant memory
On the issue of the fear of being a burden. I was raised in a household were being an inconvenience was just awful, you get the worst kind of response for being that way. And I was taught that it's rude to be a burden to people, i.e., don't go around asking people for help. I think that's contributed to alot of it. I mean remember feeling like my existence was a burden. So tuning into adulthood its made it difficult to be a good friend in a way. Because I know now that people value being needed. I don't have therapy and have been navigating this on my own and it's Hella hard tbh to change something this ingrained.
@trick-vixen Dude thanks!! No I actually really needed that, rather than thinking how dare I "expect" (that is, request and possibly even marginally make them think I expect) something extra of my friends, it's "how dare I take away even their option to show up for me?"
Trying to connect with friends who don't understand this concept can be so defeating, having to always double text a friend to get a single response, always being the one to reach out to initiate a phone call only to have it cancelled last minute, usually several times before we actually connect, and don't get me started on trying to meet up IRL. It's easy to just decide to hang out with only your spouse, but this only exacerbates the problem. I hope the younger generations will internalize this message so we can actually start to connect and build community
oh wow. i missed the friends-airport rides conversation, which i completely disagree with, BTW. maybe i'm just that weird but i'm happy to give my friends rides to + from the airport. i'm also lowkey offended if someone visits me + wants to stay in a hotel instead of my guestroom. like....rude! LOLOL but then again acts of service is absolutely my love language so 💁🏾♀ maybe that's it. either way, i completely agree with you on this. + TBH, i wouldn't even call it an inconvenience. i'd call it... friendship? LOL
Right?? My logic is if your friends are inconvenient to you then maybe you all shouldn't be friends. Since when is having friends a burden, not a blessing?
I think ppl should just find ppl they’re compatible with. Some ppl really don’t want to be around ppl sometimes. There are tons of ppl out here that would prefer to and like to be inconvenienced.
Reciprocity is key. I never want to think of myself as an inconvenience, rather I would hope that my friends would see me as someone valuable that they appreciate and vice versa. It's important to have healthy relationships that create an environment for both people to feel loved, supported, encouraged, and even held accountable in situations that require them to be held accountable. The one thing I would like to add to this conversation is a sense of entitlement. People are more likely to offer you kindness, provide you with encouragement or even do loving things for you when they know and feel that you're not entitled. When we begin to demand things from people that's when it becomes a problem whether it's a platonic or a personal relationship.
This video was my entire view on friendships and I loved it so much!! If you wouldn’t help your friends, then why are y’all friends? Don’t you love that person? I literally would die for my pals I love them so much ❤
I’m scared of being overly helpful because of not realizing when someone is a user in the past. i’ve been in situations where I’ve had people size me up in a way asking things like how much does your laptop cost and how much did it cost for you to buy your place and it just felt very intrusive.
Fun fact: people actually like you more when they do favors for you. Because they invest their time and energy, they like you more to make it feel like you were worth it.
If I had to diagnose the issue, it's that we as a society have become so hyper-individualistic that no one recognises the value of altruism for building resilience, so people who actually like helping are left unsupported until they're used up and unable to continue helping people. I grew up in a small town where helping people out was such an ingrained part of the culture. When I moved to the city it took no time at all to completely burn out because people didn't value that I helped less fortunate people and wouldn't give me the time of day unless I directly helped them, and even then if I didn't hide that I like helping they would take me for granted and never feel the need to offer reciprocity. Throw in that I'm socially inept and my acceptance seemed to be dependent on how helpful I could be, so when I burnt out and literally was desperate for some of that karma to come around I really kinda felt completely disposable.
Yes, I agree with everything you said! And for these very same reasons, I believe, is why it is so hard to make new lasting friendships as an adult. Everyone has their ways and appears to be *happily* stuck in them. I can’t say I have one friend that would willingly pick me up from the airport, or be sad if plans had to be cancelled. I've learned, ironically, that in order for me to open the door for a new possible friendship, I have to inconvenience myself/go out of my way for them! These budding relationships always start off great, but slowly melt away due to the other person never wanting to compromise any facet of their "introverted," comfortable habits and do more things in a togetherness capacity. And, at that, it's much harder to create solid friendships after marriage and kids especially. We do need a more collective/community consciousness, and less of the me, myself, and I culture!
This is an interesting conversation. Hyper-individualism and the role it plays in the loneliness with this generation. Even as an introvert, I feel this. I remember my African parents telling me how it was hard to be lonely because people would always just show up your door with no warning lol. I guess it can be considered as inconvenient or imposing, but someone was checking in on you
Yeah, i miss that so much. I miss family friends randomly calling around for a cup of tea, and telling you all the neighbourhood biz. To be honest, I miss the ring of the doorbell or the rap of the letterbox, it's just so quiet now. Now I'm an adult with a place of my own, but nobody ever calls round for tea. It's not what I expected the future to be.
I think you raise a good point, but also I want to bring a new perspective to the discussion. I think everyone would agree that any inconvenience is worth it for a wonderful friend. I would gladly drop everything to help my best friends. However, the tricky thing is these types of great friends are hard to find. In real life, not all effort is rewarded. You could spend as much time together with someone as possible just to find out you can't be friends with them in the end - maybe due to a lack of common interests, personality incompatibility, etc. etc.. It's totally possible to put in the effort to spend hours with someone but still never develop a deep bond with them (i.e. like "survival friends" people have in high school), or to find out they are toxic and become betrayed. It's not that people don't want to put in the effort because of inconvenience, it's just that the potential bad outcomes are so sad and scary that social interaction is no longer worth the inconvenience. It really doesn't help that, (and I'm not sure if this is just my personal bias,) it really seems like bad friendships are a super commonplace experience that it's almost expected - I feel like if you walk down the street and ask any random person if they've had a bad friend, they will tell you yes. I think people don't just fear being inconvenienced, but there is also an extra layer of people being more risk averse than before. People are more afraid of wasting time and energy nowadays, because there's so many other rewarding things we could be doing with that time and energy than spending it with a subpar friend. We fear getting inconvenienced by someone whose friendship would never be worth it. No wonder people prefer to spend time alone doing things for themselves - that alone time has a guaranteed reward. If everyone had more trust in other people, if they had a guarantee that things will end up well, everything would be so much easier. But unfortunately, such a guarantee can never exist, and you HAVE to take a leap of faith for social interactions.
i totally get your point and i've been through, let's say a few mishaps. my way of dealing with this and seeing how much and to who you can give, is to actually give bit by bit and see how much is given back. what is given back doesn't have to the tangible, it can be their time or gratitude. the point is, see if there's any reciprocation and proactiveness in their giving to you. but from personnal experience, a lot of people don't even realise how much they hurt others because they take their presence in their life as granted. in fact, they see the "low maintainance" friendships online and instead understand "low investment/effort" and then wonder why it doesn't work. maintainance and effort are two different things, but they may not even understand the issue until being explained directly. so while you're not wrong at the end, i do think some people are just selfish, expect people to almost serve them and to be always forgiven if they just say sorry with a sad face, just to repeat the same mistake again.
I think it's okay to have superficial friends that you only grab drinks with or get your nails done together, but if that superficial friend never burdens you with their problems, don't do it to them either
I feel like for me part of this is the difference between sacrifice and people pleasing. I make (inconvenient) sacrifices for people because I love them and I value our relationship. I people please because I’m scared to lose someone or want to make myself look good. Sacrifices are good, but we don’t need to people please
I agree wholeheartedly with this, we’ve swung too far to the other side where people are afraid to ask anything of their friends and therefore, there’s not a lot of opportunity to create depth. One thing I think is missing from the conversation is the nuance of how things have changed between the age of our parents and how we’re living now. In general we’re more exhausted because we encounter our stressors at all times whether it be being a WFH employee, or grappling with the general societal anguish related to not being able to afford a lot of things despite working full time. To me, it’s no wonder that we desire convenience more than ever because things are just that much more stressful in general and the only way to turn it off is to …. claim the time to do nothing. I don’t know if it makes sense what I’m saying, but I just think that there’s something else in this equation that makes it so that it’s undesirable to have to stress about yet another thing such as picking a friend up from the airport or hosting someone. Our values have changed drastically as a result of the microwave everything that we have access to and I don’t think that this means people don’t WANT to inconvenience themselves, more so that the opportunity costs of inconveniencing yourself is much greater than it used to be.
For me, it's neoliberal capitalism that has made us commodities and monetise every single facet of our existence. You no longer chill at home, you post it on IG for the likes. You no longer go for a walk, you post about how you're getting fit, and then try to get sponsorships on your new trainers. Nothing can just BE because we're trying to optimise everything. We live more in the future, the what if, the how can I turn this to my advantage, than we do in the present. It's mentally and spiritually exhausting.
I totally agree. The age of convenience has evolved so much and once people get a taste of it, we begin to get used to it and it slowly becomes the norm
My general philosophy is be kind and generous to the people who are kind and generous to you. Start all relationships by being kind, being gracious, being generous, but if they aren’t giving that back… there are always people who are willing to be your friend. Especially, if you are a person who they see is a great companion. It takes some time, bravery , and a bit of self-esteem but it’s worth it. 😊
I believe community/relationships/social network gives meaning. The more you invest into it, the more meaning your life gets. Nowadays, people don't invest in relationships, we're disconnected, and we lack meaning in our lives. I think that's connected.
This nakes so much sense. That initial reaction to "we should be inconvenienced" begins to fade ehen you think about how it's when people do inconvenient things for us that we appreciate and have the most gratitude. It lets you know you can trust this person in a hard time and makes you want to return that same kindness.
I have been telling people this for YEARS we need to be there for our friends and they should reciprocate however possible. I have been gaslit over this so many times, by both friends AND family. My dad’s side of the family has always treated me with this brand of coldness, and it’s beginning to frustrate me more than usual. My grandma doesn’t want to have emotional discussions with me because it’s apparently stressful and she is “too old for this” and I have so much anger and sadness about this. My dad’s side of the family and I have a lot of unresolved issues because they refuse to make themselves emotionally available and now they have shut the door entirely on the discussion. I cannot imagine how their friends might feel if this is how they treat family. As far as I know, my dad has one actual friend and all the rest are seemingly party invites.
My friends have always offered to do things for me. Carry my groceries, help pay for my plane ticket, offered to pick me up from the airport etc. I always turn them down too but am just appreciative of how caring and attentive they are
Totally unexpected topic I truly need to reflect upon. I hate the idea of inconveniencing people, and I also don't like to be inconvenienced as a result. My friends are also quite similar, which doesn't help lol. However, the closer I am with someone, the less I see doing acts of service as an inconvenience. I am definitely not doing it for any and everyone, but more than happy to go the extra mile for a few people. I just like that you brought this to the table. It's definitely something I'd like to explore more.
I used to be friends with and briefly date a person with the attitude you're describing. Her own view is that therapy taught her to be very mindful of her own boundaries and set them clearly-but what she didn't realize was that it also made her unlearn how to leave space for others in her life. Not only did she have a hard time inconveniencing herself for others, she also thought it was wrong when people did it for her. My love language, meanwhile, is inconveniencing myself for people (within reason of course), and when I pushed myself out of my comfort zone one time because it was important to her, she got angry at me and told me that that was never a good enough reason to do anything. It made me feel really unappreciated and looking back, I'm glad it didn't work out. The company I keep now is a lot bettr with this-as the guy I'm dating now put it: it's the difference between "no big deal" and "you're welcome".
Yeah, naturally speaking it is insanely hard to keep up with everyone, some bits of impromptu plans or call would definitely bring some sparks of joy in each others lives. Though I guess what kills me sometimes is the confrontation of it, I don’t just wanna leave a “we should hang soon” text, I wanna call and catch up without asking, Maybe even just ask u need a friend at a party or something. Idk I just get nervous being friends with my friends
I completely agree. As I adult I’m realizing more and more that in this world I live in, I will not be able to survive without trusting, inconveniencing, and relying on friends and family. I can’t afford an Uber. I can’t afford to hire a mechanic to fix my car; but I’ve got friends who know what they’re doing and can be paid for in good company and maybe a joint to share. The world works a hell of a lot better when everyone works together
I like how you discuss your religious beliefs in a way that isn't exclusionary to people who don't share your views. You just brought it up when it related to the topic you were discussing without it becoming the center focus. I wish more people spoke in this way so that people with different beliefs could have the opportunity to understand someone unlike them. When religious people get preachy and judgemental, it shuts out those of us who want to appreciate people's differences without feeling like we have to share the same beliefs. I appreciate that you've been able to be open and honest and inclusive of your audience that may view things differently, not just with your beliefs, but with your opinions on the video topic. I admire your sense of security in being yourself and your strength to be able to share that with the world.
I will say, that I was brought up (nigerian) to give from a place of obligation and usually, it is an (unspoken) gendered expectation and women are the ones who show up for everyone else and hold community. The inconvenience we speak of is often not expected of men, sadly. The travel gifts luggages were usually carried by moms and aunties. Trauma healing for me, has been a way to free up myself from doing things out of obligation/fear and by creating this space, I have found myself seeking genuine connection and part of that is showing up for others and acts of service which technically means I am willingly giving from a place of having excess without expecting reciprocation. If I do, it probably means I don't have the excess to give, which isn't bad, it's just data. I no longer feel resentful because I can't control or expect others to give me what I give them. I do decide how much to engage in relationships depending on how much reciprocity I am shown, not because I asked, manipulated, shamed or guilted people into doing it though. I believe people inherently have a drive to do good, and derive joy in showing up for others, it feels really good to share.
if someone is a close friend (and the friendship is healthy for both of you) i feel like there is a certain level of commitment to each other (within reason of course). like sure, you're not in an exclusive relationship. but i feel committed to helping especially my closest friends when they need it and sacrificing my time and energy for them, because i love them and want them to feel like they can lean on me for support, and also because i want them to do the same for me. and to be honest, i would even say that i _expect_ them to do the same for me, obviously according to their individual circumstances and ability/time/health/etc.
one of the most important things i learned about relationships is that you have to inconvenience yourself for the other person. That's where it's forged, the trust that you can be a bit inconvenient and the other person will have your back and vice-versa. This is a very important message and im glad you made this video
I don't know, I've been inconveniencing myself for a long time and things just got worse and worse. I didn't get stronger, I didn't feel more capable or fulfilled, I just felt destroyed.
@@MorganHyde-ie5ru I’m sorry and I understand you, completely valid. I’ve felt this way in the past (and still do tbh). There were many times where I was defeated, taken advantage of, and put myself at an inconvenience and things just got progressively worse lmao. Though, if it weren’t for those times, I wouldn’t have been able to recognize my worth or grow as an individual who can now see what they so truly deserve. It felt brutal at the moment but now looking back, I appreciate the inconvenience. I may not have gotten the outcome I wanted, or “result” or “return” for that matter, but the built up inconveniences gave me wake up calls on my actions and that I should protect myself and energy more. I hope things get better for you bud.🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾❤️
@@MorganHyde-ie5ru I’m sorry and I understand you, as it is completely valid. I’ve felt this way in the past (and still do tbh). There were many times where I was defeated, taken advantage of, and put myself at an inconvenience and things just got progressively worse lmao. Though, if it weren’t for those times, I wouldn’t have been able to recognize my worth or grow as an individual who can now see what they so truly deserve. It felt brutal in the moment but now looking back, I appreciate the inconvenience. I may not have gotten the outcome I wanted, or “result” or “return” for that matter, but the built up inconveniences gave me wake up calls on my actions and that I should protect myself and energy more. I hope things get better for you bud.🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾❤️
That therapist friend breakup advice video was crazy. I prefer to go all in with my friendships. I had a friend tell me that she couldn’t be my emotional support and I respected that. I was hurt at first but she continually told me that she couldn’t and wasn’t willing to be that for me. But I have other friends who are enthusiastically willing to have me lean on them. I have friends I feel comfortable asking for money or to loan money from. I have friends who I tell them I love them and I can tell them anything. Find your people, because I do think those relationships can be healthy and fulfilling
I live in the Pacific Northwest of the US, where people would rather die than put themselves in the lives of anyone around them. People cancel plans last minute all the time, then don't bother to try rescheduling or anything. Dude I'd be stoked if a pal asked me to pick them up from the airport. It means they trust me enough to ask, and I get to hang out with them for a little too!
You nailed it, this is spot on! I’ve always been the giver with friends, but friends only took, never offered the same or put the same effort. But this video really applies to me in regards to getting out there and being uncomfortable rather than staying home. It’s been hard to make friends after COVID and moving to a new state, but I hope to make it happen 😊
I tried to make a friend and asked her to hang out and she said she was totally down to hang out, but then just ignored my texts for multiple days when we had plans to hang out twice and then when i asked if she didn't want to hang out anymore she ignored that too, but when I talked to her in person she said we were all good. So I texted her asking her to please get better at responding bc its causing me much unnecessary anxiety, and she said she's more concerned about managing her own anxiety than changing anything about herself to mitigate mine and that this has become quite overwhelming. Now we don't really talk much. Its just really disappointing bc I think she's a cool person and I enjoy talking with her quite a bit, but I feel like I asked for a reasonable thing and she basically just told me that was too much for her to handle
I used to have a time where I couldn't do that anymore, bc i was just too depressed, but nowdays, after my journey and being in therapy, I feel more ready to be inconvinienced by my friends and would love to help them out. like physically. emotionally i already do.
This is what I always tell my two closest friends: with any close relationship, there's gonna be uncomfortable and difficult situations. That's what made us closer, because we've managed to go past these awful (and sometimes even jarring) experiences together and learned how to trust each other truthfully. Now they're like siblings to me because of this very reason. We're not afraid to discuss anything with one another, we act as a sort of reciprocal therapy. Obviously it's not the same as actual psychotherapy but we're each other's support system, which is just as important, and we're happy this way Don't be afraid of thaf uncomfortableness. Just know that if you really love each other, you'll get through it somehow, eventually
I think the issue sometimes (and this happened to me) is that you become so dependable, that you burn out. I failed university because of this, everyone wanted something from me because I was "a nice guy who's there for his friends". Because of that, I literally shut everyone off. Everything I wanted to do was sacrificed, I didn't even know who I was anymore 🤦🏿♂️. I still do make sacrifices for my friends, but I definitely needed that gap to cut everyone off and sort myself out (which I did glory to God 🙏🏿), and if anything, that time is when I saw who my real friends were, all the fakes disappeared.
I'm reminded of why it's important to 'inconvenience' our loved ones and have them 'inconvenience' us every time someone is moving or there's a big event like a wedding. When I moved, I had my family and friends, and even some friends of my family help us move. We bought them beer and pizza for the trouble and had ourselves a lil informal 'apartment' warming party after we lugged everything up 2 flights of stairs. When my sister and her bf moved (twice in one gd year!), everybody got in the car and pitched in. Because of it, moving in both cases was a sitch and we got it done in under 3 hours (not including unpacking lol, that's when i dipped ). When my sister-in-law got married, we went up a few days early to help her get everything set up, help her take everything down, and when me and my fiance (her younger brother) get married in a few months, she'll be helping us, too! I've moved alone before and it SUCKS, takes forever, and it's exhausting and potentially dangerous if you're 5'0 and hypermobile and have the worst posture/form 😃👍 And I couldn't imagine having to do a wedding all by myself with zero help. I'd lose my head if I didn't have people as my sounding board, especially in this day and age. The wedding industry is a hot mess.
Oh my god, yes. YES. This is one of the saddest things that I see in our society. Please, guys, cherish your friends, we are all human, we are all faulty and being vulnerable with someone means that you can stop pretend that you're not faulty around them BUT ALSO let them be faulty too and still help them, accept them. So they can do the same for you. That's the cure for our loneliness. (ofc, its needs to be mutual and I'm not talking about taking advantage of someone and toxic behaviour. But dear God, the empathy, patience and helping each other is a must)
I've picked up and have been picked up by my friends from the airport without a car. I took the train and bus to be there for my friend. It never felt like a burden...these people don't haver real friendships if something as small as this is a problem for them 😐 this is why more and more people, from teenagers to adults feel lonely nowadays. People are too selfish and keep promoting an individualistic society...it's going to be very detrimental for the future of humanity if we continue to be like this
they're missing out on the hanging out & jamming to the music in the car moments lol it's such an exciting moment to spot your friend in the crowd and show how much you care, but oh well.
As someone not living in the US, I gotta say that the fact of not picking up friends from the airport truly shocks me. If you have a car to drive to the airport and some spare time - pick them up. Even tho public transport is better in my country than in most of US, it‘s still quite a struggle with all of your luggage.
My wife & I keep in touch with the reunited families of former foster kids. We will be inconvenienced for their sake and give them rides watch their kids. Our families don't need us the same way and we feel a detachment from them and it's sad overall. We'd obviously drop stuff for them but we never have to. Like wise we never have an urgent need for them to meet. We'd love to have them stop by.
This was a well made engaging video and made me think of a lot of things to consider. I've gone out of my way to help my friends. I've also gone out of my way to NOT help my friends. I've lost friends. Gained new ones. And seem to be more engaged with online friends than local friends for the past 2 months. I'm 24 and Its all a learning experience discovering more about myself.
really need this right now, felt like i've just been slapped across the face as i've been switching my phone off and avoiding digital social interactions as i "need some time for myself," when in fact i'm just self-isolating. thank you
Communication is vital. It's important to let your friends and family know when you can and when you can't. There's nothing wrong with being able to set proper parameters around your friendships. Sometimes it's necessary to relax and take care of yourself so that if you can you're able to pour into others. As the old saying goes you cannot pour from an empty cup. I think there's also something to be said for individuals who have always shown up and been there for friends and family. Those relationships become overwhelmed because it's one-sided. But I also see what you're saying as far as making sure that we are willing to grow in our relationships.
personally, therapy has helped me become LESS selfish and start caring more about other people. by working through the old grievances I had with my family, I am now able to show them more love and compassion. it also made me realise that waiting for other people to notice me and start talking to me first is a losing strategy. everyone has to put in effort in a relationship, no matter what kind of a relationship it is.
My personal solution is to weigh my inconvenience with other aspects of the situation. Yeah, I’m tired, but my friend needs such and such more than I need rest. Also, it seems to me that none of these people even like their friends. A real connection is supposed to me you happy, not exhausted.
Btw I don’t even think it’s about being happy versus to contribute to the society. I feel it’s more like comfortable all the time vs sometimes to choose being uncomfortable to do something for yourself and others. Cause when people choose comfort 100% of the time, not only their relationship’s growth, but their growth slows down too. And then our capacity to overcome challenges in life, trying something new, doing that thing that we always wanted, but we’re scared to, stopping scrolling all the time is so much harder cause we can’t stop being “comfortable” in our fears, anxiety, self-hatered. Cause changing and evolving is hard! Ask any teenager if it’s comfortable to literally grow! But I also feel like we all needed that time to be comfortable, to be safe, even if it was up ”unhelpful”. It’s the same thing when you live through something very hard and need to lay down for a few days and grow into the new phase of your life, to transmute these feelings. So don’t be hard on yourself or others. We are already talking about that, that means soon we will overcome this too!
I loved this so much and put into words well what I've been thinking about a lot lately. I think the problem with therapy culture is that it often assumes the person being therapied is someone who gives too much in relationships without asking much back. And to be fair that is a big problem where you're completely justified ending a friendship if it's one sided and you're always taking care of them without it being reciprocated but as a general rule for everyone yeah inconveniences happen and that's okay and that's what friendship is supposed to be about is sticking together so yes those are the moments friends need to be there for each other the most.
Listennnnn. You can only know your friendships are true if you inconvenience them (reasonably) and they go through with it and still love you the same after
The day i got locked out of my flat after a late shift and freaking out as a single woman outside on a friday late night, I realised who of my friends really cared and who didn't 😭 some were phoning locksmiths for me, or offering a sofa, and others never asked if i was okay or if I ever got in. I would pick them up from anywhere they needed in a heart beat!! I'm always looking for ways to help my friends, even if it means I need to go out of my way
this video made me realize it doesn’t have to be one or the other with mental health. to use more therapy speak, the goal should not be to never have to use any of our spoons. My goal in taking a mental health weekend is to not use up all my spoon, so I don’t miss out on the opportunity to pick up my friend at the airport next weekend. But that doesn’t mean I have to never use any of my spoons again. and I think that’s where some people have taken the whole therapy thing too far that they never want to have to make any sacrifices like you said either extreme as bad never using. Your spoons means you miss out but running out of spoons also means that you’ll miss out.
![Stromae, Pomme - “Ma Meilleure Ennemie” (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Visualizer]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1F3OGIFnW1k/mqdefault.jpg)
Some people don't want actual longterm friendships, they want people to take pictures with
I am "some people".
@@sheeshneesh yikes
@@sheeshneeshtherapy.
@@sheeshneesh …
oh you ate w this
I'm a clinician I co-sign this message .
We are masking self isolation for self care and it's causing more harm.
It's takes a village to make it through. healing doesn't happen in a vacuum.
Ok professional affirmation 🥹 haha thanks!!
But what if I like the harm??
@@katakesh8566 harm is subjective we just have to consider how beneficial it is to our well-being long term.
Self isolation can be beneficial for reflection but not long term.
like the whole , “cut everyone off and travel the world”
@@miti342 Traveling can be good. I've travelled alone and had good experiences, but it is risky. And it is just so much more fulfilling to go travelling with friends. The best experiences I've had travelling have been when I'm meeting up with or hanging out with a big group of people. It's also much safer too.
I wish people understood that if you want fulfilment in life, you have to do hard, uncomfortable and inconvenient things. This Convenience Generation is deeply unsatisfied because they refuse to accept this. Sacrifice leads to gain, either for yourself or those you love. Also, you reap what you sow. One day you will need someone to be inconvenienced for you, but if you never bothered to do it for others why would you expect it done for you
People do understand that, you just assume they don’t cause you want to feel superior.
And doing hard things for fulfilment in life is completely different to being a good friend, and then expecting your friends to be good to you in return.
And the vast majority know both these things, so no need for the ‘I wish people were wonderful like me’.
They know. People aren’t walking around lost while you have the answers.
@@missNCW looool I honestly don't know how you drew this conclusion from what I said. Then again we're both strangers on the internet; you don't know me and I don't know you. Any commentary on society I make includes me, what I said applies to me as well. I have specific goals this year to challenge myself to do hard things and show up better for friends, so there's that. Also, I never said people don't know, I said people refuse to understand and accept which then leads to inaction and unfulfillment. I understand there's nuance to this topic but I'm not here to write a thesis in RUclips comments. Anyways, go off sis, or bro, or bot
Yup true and we kind of know but it's so hard to actually believe it and implement it! But you're right!!
Exactly!
@@missNCW they don’t know that. Maybe you do, and that’s great but most don’t.
I thought I was weird for thinking people are weird for not wanting to be even a little bit social. Socializing is like a good walk, you may not want to do it but you feel much better afterwards.
Absolutely this. Last week I agreed to go to south London even though I love far up north to meet some work friends at my new job. One girl had been working from home and was too tired to come to central. It would have been reasonable for me to say "next time." But often there isn't a next time when it comes to making new friends. I went anyway. Had a brilliant time, almost missed the last train and got home late af. It was super inconvenient. It was also great fun and I'm hoping it put me well on the way to making new friends.
some people have disorders so i don’t think it’s weird. it’s understandable.
@@atyourbesturluv.7106 people with disorders are a completely different group of people that I was not referring to.
I must be broken then because I always feel much worse afterwards. I take everything that was said by me and the other party/parties and overanalyze it to hell, and just beat myself up afterwards and regret ever even speaking to anyone. I can't just let it go. I also really hate myself and that won't be changed through my relationships with other people; it will just bring them down too and I'd rather be alone than do that to someone.
exactly I love long walks with friends and family to clear my head and leave it to God.
You totally read my mind. There are a bunch of people bragging about the fact that they constantly flake out on plans, never put effort into their friendships, etc. but then get mad when people call them selfish and no longer want to be friends with them. Expecting any sort of investment from your friends/relationships nowadays makes you "high maintenance".
💯
some people find it offensive that you’d want your friends to reply to your texts. how are you supposed to keep friends if you ignore them ?
Yeah, I don’t really brag about it but I don’t really put much effort into most of my connections. Difference with me is that I’m constantly surprised to see that I have friends at all.
It’s that weird inbetween of knowing I need some amount of social interaction but also really, really disliking dealing with the complexity of it and the potential drama or frustrations that occur.
I had a friend who would continuously ignore me whenever I would invite her to something or plan something for us to do together. Not even a “no” or “I don’t know if I can” at all, just no response. That was a consistent problem with her that other people had with her as well but when I was the one to finally call her out for it, she said I was “holding her to impossible standards.” She was just a selfish person overall.
I've noticed that, too. I think it's fine if the feelings are mutual, but a lot of these people get upset if someone wants friendships with more mutual investment so they don't feel like they're in a one-sided relationship.@TeaspoonGravel-cr7fx
If my friend asks me to pick them up, I'm picking them up. It's not about trains and Ubers, it's about being reliable and making your friend feel loved
I went to France and everyone was like this and I was flabbergasted. Like my friends were hosting me, cooking for me, picking me up, dropping me off, going OUT OF THEIR WAY for me. I was astonished and I started doing that and my life and friendships are so much better
This sounds like a dream.
I really wish this was the case in the UsA. I try to do this for friends but feel like it ends up where I am just giving, giving, and I don’t get the same effort in return. So it makes you more protective of your time.
As someone who used to try to host a lot of parties, I’ve noticed that people like to have options - or will wait to see if something better will come up - instead of just committing to something. I watched a TikTok recently where a girl speaks about this, it resonated with me and it was sad to see so many people in the comments section recalling times they invested time, money and resources into hosting only for people to bail on them at the last minute!
I did this sort of thing in my 20's and 30's, and had the same experience.
In fact, they wanted me to play secretary and call people to find out who was going and then they could decide if they wanted to show up or not.
Once I began getting exhausted from that, and then simply asked people to put their dirty cups in the sink, only to find out they were complaining about having to do that simple a task, I stopped hosting entirely.
I had one girl call me up and ask when I was going to start hosting again. I told her I wasn't and she could host at her place if she wanted to.
She replied with that didn't want to bc it was too much hassle.
So I said, "good, then you understand how I feel. I'm tired of you people."
Most of the people I hosted for never contacted me again after that.
I learnt a lot about friendship during that time in my life.
Once it stopped being convenient for them (after 6.5 years of hosting, mind you), I was nothing to them.
I want to call it something like "the dating app mindset" which is just a type of hyper "grass is greener" - There's always the potential or allure of something better than what currently exists, and we've been tricked into believing if we maintain that mindset and keep swiping, we'll find the right thing.
People have taken the "Well, I'll see if I find something better first" and applied it to not only dating apps but social engagement as a whole.
I've noticed this, trying to make friends as a freshman in college. My peers don't want friendships, they want people to hang out with where everything's easy and no one ever talks about or deals with anything difficult. They have no investment in the people around them and don't care to be there for people going through hard times, and they don't want to talk about it at all when something difficult comes up. I as a person am not compatible with that kind of nonconfrontational attitude towards the less pretty parts of life, because I don't lie about my circumstances basically ever and I deal with a lot of difficult things in my life, and a large part of how I work through those difficult things is by talking to people about it!
I really don't understand how anyone can remain satisfied with all of their friendships being only surface level, but a lot of people aren't willing to put in the work for anything beyond that. They won't go out of their way for anything, ever. That's no way to build intimacy and that's one of many reasons why members of my generation are so overwhelmingly lonely even when they have dozens of friends at close reach at any given time.
I am satisfied with surface level friendships
It depends, as most relationships, even before the phone age, most were surface level. It's not a bad thing, but it's getting worse, which it's not good
I feel the same as you do. I'm in a shellshock being out in college away from home isolated and unable to find peers who have any depth or take any initiative in their lives, let alone to make intentional meaningful memories with others. I try to meet as many new people as I can and stay positive. But the constant hypervigilance and the aloneness does get to me. If you wanted to chat more, maybe we could talk more. Best of luck with everything!
@@sophiafigueroa2228 I've been feeling the same way since I got out of highschool (I'm 22 now) but it's refreshing to know I'm not alone in feeling this way, 'cause being antisocial seems to be the norm now and it's so hard to make friends let alone make plans with anyone
i’ve been in groups that are completely surface level before and it sucks.
it’s the feeling of loneliness when surrounded by others that makes you think you’re broken.
i’d rather be alone than a part of a group like that.
people put so much weight on familial and romantic relationships but never think about building deeper intimacy with friends.
This! Many people complain that they are lonely but „priorities themselves“ (aka cancelling plans because they don’t feel like that etc)
Exactly!
Yes ! I am more happy when I'm serving others/ doing random acts of kindness for strangers verus just thinking about myself.
Exactly so much self help is perpetuated in being selfish.
@@blessingknowseverything9609having great conversations with strangers is also great. I've had some super cool interactions with people I'll prob never see again
I’m stuck on this. My friends are quite naggy. They’re 18-19 can’t drive. I’m 17, I can. I have a job. I make money, they don’t. I want to cut them off and ultimately I think I will but I’m still conflicted on the whole deal. We aren’t on the same page, which isn’t required, but it just makes it harder. They genuinely provide no benefit to me, not even conversation or company. I am soley a benefit to them, they come to me for tasks, rides, or money. It’s ALWAYS an inconvenience. I know the answer I guess I need to vent and this video came to me, kinda triggered me.
I made it a goal in 2023 to try and make new friends by actually putting myself out there and going to new meet-ups in the city regularly, and as a work-from-home suburbanite it was HELLA inconvenient to have to get ready, get out of my house, and make the long drive back-and-forth to meet new people that I wasn't even sure I was going to vibe with. The result? I actually made new friends (what a shocker!!) and I realized putting in the effort to "inconvenience" myself & my new friends to meet up regularly actually made me happier and open to even more new friendships.
That’s where I’m at right now. I live in a suburb of a big city so to go to any social events I have to drive half an hour but I’m hoping it’ll pay off soon
Incredible work, building a whole new village is so hard y’all should be proud of yourselves!!🥳🎉
I love this!! Well done for doing the work x
Thank you!! Yeah building a new community is hard & takes time but I’m learning that it’s sooo worth the effort 😊
this!! and i don't even drive. i have paid $30+ both ways via uber just to meet up with people and i don't mind at all. i've actuall made new friends and strengthened friendships!!
Fuck I must be the only one who hates cancelled plans. Sure there are some days its probably for the best bc I'm tired or whatever but still it's disappointing. Especially if I've planned my day out for that outing or visit. I know a lot of the time I'm having to cancel bc of health reasons but its frustrating.
It really frustrates me because I'm usually the one doing all the work for these plans. Then, get canceled at the last minute with no follow-up. It makes me feel like trash, and it has caused me to want to cancel/not plan to hang at all! It is like a virus that spreads, and loneliness is addicting.
I've started just trying to look for other people who do want to do things and hang out.
Hard, but it hurts far less than the friendship that had loads of time and effort invested only to get emotionally smacked down time after time.
I can't stand it either. I understand if there is an emergency/extenuating circumstance, but if someone just cancels on me because "they don't feel like it", I'm canceling them from all future plans lol
It’s so fustrsting the amount of events I’ve showed up to and even faked enthusiasm (cause no one wants to invite someone out who is just gonna mope around on their phones). Just for me to be ditched last minute. I’ve dropped so many ‘friends’ in my life for treating me like such an inconvenience (I would literally just be wanting to spend time)
Friend, you are not! Cancelled plans, especially last minute cancelled plans, bugs the hell out of me, too. Like I'm busy as hell, so sometimes I only get one day out of a week to hang out with someone. So when they cancel, it's like "there goes my socializing for the week." Now you have to either race to find something else to do, or you do nothing and sink into that FOMO. Then people not even following up or trying to reschedule makes you feel like they never really wanted to hang out to begin with.
@@AdaireKricketsI'm in the same exact position! I hope you find some folks who don't make you do all the work, Lord knows you deserve at least that
I agree!!! I bonded with my nephew who turned out to be one of the greatest humans that I've ever known by being inconvenienced with babysitting. My friend used to make fun of me when I would say that I wanted him for myself 😂... He passed away 1 month after his 5th birthday. I'm forever grateful for our time together 💞🧸
Sounds like you had a beautiful bond. So sad to hear that he passed 😢❤.
rip to your nephew
Whoa! I am so sorry! 😔🙏🏾💔
I’m very sorry for your loss.. God bless his soul🙏🏽
It's amazing how the online world has changed real life relationships. About 20 years ago I knew I could ask some friends to help me move and they would happily do it for pizza and beer, and somehow make a fun day of it. They knew I'd have their backs, too, so I didn't feel guilty about it. It was the normal thing to do. These days it's like we can't even call up a good friend at a more "polite" time of day without feeling like a big inconvenience.
I feel that this trend is far stronger for younger people who kind of grew up this way...I hope that eventually we see that it's not helping anyone and make an effort to reverse this. True friendships and connection are never just about ourselves and what's "easy", but more about creating a mutual support system. I've recently realized that happiness comes mostly from turning outside ourselves rather than always being stuck in our own heads.
This!!! I remember one time in summer, I ordered a huge package full of things for my upcoming vacation, but for some reason they delivered it to a post station in the city center. Because the package was very big, I called a close friend of mine who lived 5 minutes away from the station. I just needed someone to help me carry the package to the train station, which was like 2-4 minutes away from the post office, and I promised to get pizza and boba afterwards. Well she declined, with no particular reason why. I get that you might not wanna lose 20 minutes of your day for someone else’s package, but there was no other way for me to carry that alone. It’s been almost a year since that happened, and she still calls me her bestest friend, but after this situation, I’m not that sure anymore, as I know that if I ever needed her help again, I can’t count on her ://
It's so strange for me because I'm gen z, and I used to laugh about the dramatic videos they'd show us in school (like, Look Up From Your Phone, etc) and I didn't things were this bad. But once I left school around 16, it became apparent just how antisocial people were really becoming, and how little people really cared about you when you weren't forced to be in the same building together for 6 hours a day.
I'm 22 now, and been living alone since 16, struggling so bad with loneliness and isolation since those days, and it's only gotten worse. But it is given me so much relief to know I am not the only person who thinks and feels this way, since being antisocial seems to be the norm now. Most of my old friends have become introverts, some of them I rarely even see, but the extreme end of it is not even bothering to respond to text messages or answer phone calls. I have actually ended friendships with a few people for that reason.
And the funny thing is, they used to always tell me how much of a great friend I was, and how much they appreciated me. Really? 'Cause maybe if you appreciated me, we could actually hang out together, or you could at least send me a text. I understand when people are busy, or financially struggling, meeting up often isn't an option. But my best friend lived right next door, and would sleep in until the afternoon then spend all day playing videogames. I feel like my generation are just throwing their lives away, and I'm doing it as well, because all the outdoor activities I want to do are just not the same when you don't have anyone else to do them with.
But I guess I just commented to say, that it wasn't always like this. I'm only 22 now but I remember playing out in the streets until late on summer nights, up until the age of 14. And even at 15 I went to a youth club regularly in the city. It feels to me like it started to be this way around late 2017 / early 2018. But Covid has made things a million times worse. My introvert friends were starting to go out and have fun, but since covid some of them barely leave the house. It's really, really sad. And I hope there's a way to change things.
Times are tough people have to overwork to survive in this capitalistic society to the point they barely have time off for hobbies,family so spending my only day off doing labor for people who only call when they need favors for pizza lol doesnt seem worth it sorry lol.I'll happily help family and people whom I hear from outside of them needing me
I think cancelled plans or everyone sticking too much to themselves has led to increased loneliness, lack of partners romantically and isolation. I always enjoy spending time with people
Yep I agree
right literally all of my friends have met their partners through social gatherings and meeting new people but now that it's become the norm to cancel and rarely make plans with your friends people aren't going to social gathering anymore plus covid/lockdown has made this problem much worst
@@Genesisorgin agree completely
I met my partner through mutual friends and the one before in uni
If not for that I dunno how I would have found a a partner
Social settings are important
I'm starting to think most people don't need individual talk therapy but actually need more of group setting. There aren't many points in history where entire communities sat for one on one talks with healers or religious leaders every single week. Catholic confessions is the only one that comes to mind. But with the exception of traumatic events, like being in mourning, people tended to talk things out as a community. It takes a village far past the point of raising children. Adults need villages too. We've reached a point of individualism that we feel we can't be in one another's lives until we've "fixed" all our issues. We are only worthy of relationships once we are no longer an emotional burden to one another.
Wow very interesting perspective
"We are only worthy of relationships once we are no longer an emotional burden to one another." I fully believe this and it is why I don't seek friendships and relationships. I'm far, far, far too broken to let others in. I need to fix myself first and I just don't believe in "growing together".
I agree. For me, there’s no such thing as perfection, especially emotionally. Being imperfect is basically the definition of humanity and what it means to be human. And I want to experience life with other people. I find isolation so counterintuitive to healing anyway.
Great observation!
@@htac22849 I think you should read Terrence Real. Relationships are what hurts us and what heals us. It's quite literally scientifically proven that we're social being that are very interdependent. Not codependent, but interdependent. I mean.. if you're trying to improve for relationships I don't understand how you can do it alone. Would you try to improve your piano skills without a piano?
I think we need to realize the difference between letting people cross your boundaries and being inconvenient to you.
The biggest benefit of having a community is to help and support each other.
I think everyone should start reducing their screen time to get some grasp on reality. I'm barely on my phone nowadays and it's so weird when you see other people staring into their phone while you are together. You literally feel like a ghost. I never noticed how impolite and ignorant it can be until I started becoming fully present and aware of my surroundings again. Also reducing my screen time gave me back so much life quality and energy. Suddenly I feel motivated to go out more often to meet (new) people, getting things done I used to procrastinate on, etc. The only thing that's missing is other people joining in.. :')
Why did you want to reduce your screen time?
this is it! i deleted most of my social medias and my phone time is around 3-4 hours daily at Most and now that spring is kicking in i have so much motivation to do things that are tangible and real because the internet isnt taking up all my time
I had someone once tell me my phone was boring because I let them borrow it to text someone and only had one social media app, music/podcasts/RUclips, and two games installed as far as entertainment goes (which personally I feel like even what I have now is a lot). I average about an hour a day on my phone and usually most of that time is playing music in the shower or while I cook.
I also feel like it's considered a more dangerous/intimate thing to do to let someone borrow your phone nowadays. It's a simple favor, but phones are expensive and hold a lot of private information for people today, so just asking "Hey, can I borrow your phone for a minute?" gets a lot of people defensive. Not to mention that if you're *calling* someone through another's phone, people get so many junk calls nowadays that it's unlikely the receiver will pick up, even if they are able to.
@@jasminejacob1870tbh why would they not want to? 🤔
@@Qrr0wned someone may want to maintain their screen time because it's not harming them enough to cause them to make a change or because it'd be too much of a hassle for them to change their screen time.
I think more people need to understand that the epidemic of loneliness isn’t something that all people are doing to themselves…everyone is not as selfish as social media might make you think. It is imperative to hold space for nuance in conversations like this
@@abella11 I think one of the influences in this is the fact that 3rd places are disappearing for teenagers and children. It's so much harder to hang-out with friends as a teen or child because there are no more places to hang-out (or at least they are slowly disappearing), outside of school or your house. And I guess adults can't afford to host at their place like older generations; but then again, you could ask everyone to bring something along so less financial strain on the hoster.
Really good point, thank you for making it.
we've socially adopted the idea that everyone in our life has to "serve" us in some way. when someone ceases to serve a function in our life we immediately seek to remove/replace them, through the belief that we need to maximize the net benefit from our peers, social circles, romantic relationships, etc. we've adapted this philosophy of choosing isolation and lack of connection with others instead of developing deeper and long-term relationships in our own lives justified by "protecting our mental health" and "self-improvement", ignoring that social relationships are not always upwards and people need each other to depend upon to develop a sense of community and to make everyone's lives better in some way, even if it always isn't easy
along with this, we also have the selfish practice that we are entitled to the immediate removal of anyone in our life at any moment. we swiftly cut-off people at our own will and push all blame onto the person regardless of the history of the relationship, hence the practice of "ghosting". just like a corporate job, your friends and relationships become your employees who can be terminated at any moment. with this in mind, it becomes difficult to really develop a sense of meaning between two individuals since either reserves the right to end the social relationship if one doesn't remain as an asset. friends and relationships become temporary and we almost narcissistically believe that we don't owe them anything. of course we still should be able to do this to those who are truly hurting us, but currently the practice of "terminating" a social relationship has far extended its range.
right on, people need to see this more
People always ask me and my best friend and roommate what is the secret to our 11 year friendship and it’s SACRIFICE!! But not me constantly sacrificing myself for her but both us of having the patience and understanding for each other and pulling more weight for a period of time until the other can! We all have periods of depression, uncertainty and laziness you just have to trust that they’ll get u back!
On the other hand, this reminded me of an over 10-year long friendship I had given up simply because my best friend eventually stopped investing in our friendship when it comes to open communication and trust. The moment he stopped being close to me by the end of it when he built up a lot of walls and established too many boundaries, refusing to open up and explain himself out of fear that his reputation in our community might get damaged, and then hurting me because he refused to sacrifice a part of himself for my emotional needs by being vulnerable so he began treating me sarcastically and inconsiderately, I ended our friendship.
He had always been at the top of my relationship priority list and I was a snappy communicator who responds to him at a whim, goes out for a hang out the moment he mentions it, and being creatively motivated people with so many similar interests we do a lot of projects together, and I was very patient with him because he was a guy who struggled being open and vulnerable due to his background and experience. But I gave up on him, and he fell so low in my priority list that other better more transcended people took over his place and I could no longer find time for him even though he continued reaching out to me like he had always done. He soon got replaced by another 10-year long friend who recently became my boyfriend, who was 10x better as a person than he ever could be.
Thank you for talking about this. Our culture is turning more self-isolating because people don’t want to be inconvenienced. Yes, friendships require work, but they’re worth it!
Nah 😂
People don’t want FRIENDS they want all the benefits OF friendship with none of the work of building & maintaining meaningful relationships. They want people to invite them to hang out, but don’t actually want to go & interact. They want someone to open up to or conveniently pick up them from the airport, but think it a chore to do the same for others.
They revel in the feeling of others thinking about or including them, & that’s it. I blame narcissistic tends like “Main Character energy” making people so selfish that they treat anyone who isn’t them like irrelevant NPCs wasting their energy.
On a similar note, I'm still learning to drive and I jokingly asked a friend to give me a lift home because Uber at that time of day costed around £30. He acted very incredulous, as though I was asking something unacceptable of him. He said the fuel alone would cost more than £30 and that even if it didn't, 45 minutes of his time (12 miles each way) was worth more than £30.
I figured out the fuel cost. At an overestimate, it would've been £2.90 which I would've been happy to pay and more for his time.
I totally understood why he didn't want to give almost an hour of his time at like 11PM, which is why the request was a joke. But it was kind of sickening to hear how a friend saw something like this as a pure transaction and nothing else.
Because I get passionate about little details, I mentioned how this didn't make sense. If it was worth more than £30 in fuel and labour then Uber would charge like £60 and necessarily pay their employees less than what their labour's worth. But the real problem was how he was viewing a (jokingly asked) favour as some offensive and unfavourable transaction.
@@CromulentEmbiggening Yeah, that’s super weird. He seems like a real peach of a friend 🙄
That’s what I have been noticing, especially online. People don’t want to text others back, to pick up a phone call or to just show up to other people and get surprised they have a hard time getting/keeping friends. Relationships are based on work, from both ends, I cannot be a one way street or else they don’t last. Just like you said, people want the benefits of friendship without actually putting any effort in.
Co-sign this so much.
1) After you cancel on me multiple times, I WILL CANCEL YOU! Coz clearly I'm not a priority in your life. And I say that after having bended over backwards trying to accommodate people and their mental health. Bring back decency - and yes, its a balance/tension 2) On in/convenience and spiritual practices - I'm trying to bring back the discipline of fasting twice a week, and I realise its becoming harder than it was when I was younger because I rarely say no to myself. And if we don't have that internal discipline imagine the societal ramifications
Hmmm yes fasting is such a good practice for so many reasons. I need to start implementing it too. It's always been a difficult one for me because I DO NOT like discomfort lol!
@@AdellaAfadiAlso keep in mind, for a lot of women, fasting is not recommended so experiment with it and see how you feel. Don’t feel bad if it’s not for you.
Fasting during (most of) Lent has taught me how good it can be to give up good things like comfort (or even food) for the sake of something even better.
Love love love this video! We live in SUCH an individualistic world, where selfishness is definitely the culture. But the very cornerstone of love is selflessness. I want to work on being the kind of friend who is willing--and WANTING--to do things i don't feel like doing in order to love and serve others.
Seems like all some people want is to "get ahead in life". Kinda sad considering we need each other to get anywhere.
Yes me too! I'd love to become that person too!
Definitely! I know i'm personally trying to make sure i am not that way, you know? Because in the past i have caught myself pointing at other people like "i can't believe they're doing this thing or that thing", but then as soon as i looked at myself i was like "wow! I'm ten times worse". Its just an ongoing life lesson that requires a ton of introspection i suppose. And GRACE :D ❤@@clau_sing_
Yeah even the Bible says love is not self seeking.
Thank you oh my god, I feel so disconnected from my generation (gen z) because of exactly what you said in this video. Friendships feel cold, transactional, filled with therapy speak. No ones willing to be uncomfortable, patient, forgiving, anything. People are so selfish and dont want any depth to their friendships. I just recently lost my friendship with my closest friend i ever had after I realized that they did not care about me like I did about them. That I put far more emotional effort than they ever did, even when I didnt want to. Because it was the right thing to do.
Not religious at all, but you hit the jackpot of analysis here.
I haven’t had a lot of good friends in my life, yet I’ve found the best one possible last year. She realized I was down, called me (which nobody ever does) and had a super spontaneous breakfast out with me. She also cooked with me, and doesn’t mind when we don’t have the possibility to meet up for a few days/weeks.
I love her so much.
Totally agree. We've swung so far that people really don't know how relationships are built. We are in a friendship/ relationship call it what you want crisis because people have forgot its these experiences that lead to building rapport. How are you going to get to know a person, their character, traits, strengths, values if you won't do anything for them unless it connivences you. It's the YOU show at that point and you can't build genuine, good, healthy relationships without balance and balance means both good and bad!! No-one is promoting people pleasing, its a give and take situation.
Yeppppp!
I really love when people ask me for help, or let me properly offer. I have a handful of friends who will refuse my help or cooking because it feels more polite, but I spend a lot of my time feeling useless as a disabled person, it kinda hurts when they do?
Oh very interesting take thank you for sharing! x
you are definitely not useless no one is useless we all have something to give. I'm sorry that you feel this way maybe try expressing to your friends how you feel. I use to be like this I would refuse help from anyone one time it was raining and my friend's mom pulled over to drive me to school with my friend I refused because I thought I was doing the polite thing by not inconviecing them now I look back and cringe because she was already going the same way to drop off my friends and she had already pulled over I did this a couple times throughout High school but now I release when people go out of their way to help you , you let them that's the nice thing to do and makes everyone happier. Try telling your friends it makes you feel better to help them.
You should honestly tell them, if they’re decent people they will understand. One of my friends explained to me why it hurts when she wants to do something for me and I don’t let her. Now I’m more receiving and our friendship is richer 😊
@@juanis8219I don’t understand this, but I’m open to it. Generally, I don’t ask or want things from friends. Like I literally never feel like I want people to give me things, so when it’s offered most times I don’t want/need it (I’ll take some brownies though lol) so I say no because then it could be given elsewhere to someone who does need it. I’ve had people get upset because I don’t accept help but I never need it. Then I get upset because it feels manipulative. Like what is it that YOU want from me that you get upset that I’m ok for the most part.
I’ve got social anxiety, so being around people is a little more difficult for me, but I will suck it up and bring up difficult conversation topics. I’ve heard people boasting about how they’ve never argued, and my reaction is “Your relationship won’t be strong when you do.”
I’ve realized I’ve not been good at keeping up with my friends, and I don’t talk to them a lot so I’ve been scared thinking “were we really ever friends? I don’t know a lot about them.” So I’ve been increasingly thinking about how to improve myself to talk more and stay good friends and become better friends. I still have other things I’m trying to do, though, so that’s been on the back burner until I do some real self-care and clean my room and get my hygiene habits up to par. Can’t take care of my friends if I can’t take care of myself!
I agree, I think we need to remember that we're not just living for ourselves. YES SELF-CARE YES HAVE BOUNDARIES and YES YOU CAN GO OOUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE EASIER SOMETIMES TOO
Exactlyyyy both can happen at the same time. Just gotta use wisdom and discernment to know when
Imma tweet this 🔥
one comment from my therapist that's stuck with me for a while now was when I was venting about how I didn't feel connected to those around me, she mentioned, "It doesn't sound like you need a therapist. It sounds like you need a friend."
I like what you said about "have our feelings become our God?", I never share my feelings with others but when I am alone, it kind of became my God. I remember hearing a long time ago "your feelings should just be a feeling. When it happens, process it and move on, do not let it linger, it stays longer than it should when you do" and since I've been doing that, I realized I'm more happier these days. I've noticed since doing this, it seems more people than not are allowing their feelings to override many things in their lives. But I think as a society, this can be improved and worked on.
This is such a minor minor critique, but I feel like the title of the video speaks to a different issue than the one addressed. There is a difference between being an inconvenience and being inconvenienced and, I feel, a different mindset to both as well. Your video talked about why we should accept more inconveniences into our lives rather than taking the easy ways because that helps us grow as people - and you absolutely smashed it! I agree with every point you made. However, I think there is another side to the conversation of how inconvenience has exacerbated the loneliness epidemic, and that is people not wanting to be THE inconvenience. For all the (rightful) criticism of prioritizing ourselves above all else, I’d love to explore more of what has led to people refusing to ask for help or favors because they don’t want to be seen as a burden - In fact, are these phenomena related? Do we fear being considered an inconvenience because we ourselves hate to be inconvenienced (or vice versa)? And I think about this because, personally, it is like pulling teeth to get myself to ask my friends for favors because I assume they don’t want to or they already have plans or whatever excuse - but this year, I’m really trying to undo that thought process by…giving my friends the chance to make that decision for themselves! For example, if I needed a ride home from the airport, rather than just assuming that my friends have better things to do, I would ask and let them be the ones to tell me so. And it’s totally fine if they do, but they just might not have anything else taking up their time and might be happy to help. Otherwise, I’ve essentially made a decision for them on their behalf without their input, which feels disrespectful of their autonomy. Anyway, this turned into a bit of a ramble, so I want to say again that this was an excellent video and I appreciate your thoughts!
I honestly also wonder if the whole inconvenience/ inconvenienced thing is related because maybe people are just projecting yk but the real question is - 'i feel like an inconvenience when I ask people things so let me not ask' or 'i feel so inconvenienced when people ask me for things so I hope they don't ask me
'
yes I agree people don't want to be burden by others and now we over think everything so we don't become the burden to others. My friend had her birthday during my mock school exams (they don't go to our grades or anything just practice test but still important) and my friend didn't tell me when her birthday was I got the date wrong and never bothered to check because when I brought up plans for her birthday she never corrected me even after it had pass but then when I checked 3 days before what I thought was her birthday I had released I got the date wrong I felt so bad and guilty so called her she said it was fine because she knows how stressed I was over my exams and didn't want to inconvenience me (or our other friends) I felt bad because it wasn't an inconvenience to celebrate her birthday and I missed out on creating an imporant memory
On the issue of the fear of being a burden. I was raised in a household were being an inconvenience was just awful, you get the worst kind of response for being that way. And I was taught that it's rude to be a burden to people, i.e., don't go around asking people for help. I think that's contributed to alot of it. I mean remember feeling like my existence was a burden. So tuning into adulthood its made it difficult to be a good friend in a way. Because I know now that people value being needed.
I don't have therapy and have been navigating this on my own and it's Hella hard tbh to change something this ingrained.
@trick-vixen Dude thanks!! No I actually really needed that, rather than thinking how dare I "expect" (that is, request and possibly even marginally make them think I expect) something extra of my friends, it's "how dare I take away even their option to show up for me?"
Yes! This exactly
Trying to connect with friends who don't understand this concept can be so defeating, having to always double text a friend to get a single response, always being the one to reach out to initiate a phone call only to have it cancelled last minute, usually several times before we actually connect, and don't get me started on trying to meet up IRL. It's easy to just decide to hang out with only your spouse, but this only exacerbates the problem. I hope the younger generations will internalize this message so we can actually start to connect and build community
oh wow. i missed the friends-airport rides conversation, which i completely disagree with, BTW.
maybe i'm just that weird but i'm happy to give my friends rides to + from the airport. i'm also lowkey offended if someone visits me + wants to stay in a hotel instead of my guestroom. like....rude! LOLOL
but then again acts of service is absolutely my love language so 💁🏾♀ maybe that's it.
either way, i completely agree with you on this. + TBH, i wouldn't even call it an inconvenience. i'd call it... friendship? LOL
Lol trueeee it shouldn't even be considered an inconvenience tbh
Right?? My logic is if your friends are inconvenient to you then maybe you all shouldn't be friends. Since when is having friends a burden, not a blessing?
I think ppl should just find ppl they’re compatible with. Some ppl really don’t want to be around ppl sometimes. There are tons of ppl out here that would prefer to and like to be inconvenienced.
Reciprocity is key. I never want to think of myself as an inconvenience, rather I would hope that my friends would see me as someone valuable that they appreciate and vice versa. It's important to have healthy relationships that create an environment for both people to feel loved, supported, encouraged, and even held accountable in situations that require them to be held accountable.
The one thing I would like to add to this conversation is a sense of entitlement. People are more likely to offer you kindness, provide you with encouragement or even do loving things for you when they know and feel that you're not entitled. When we begin to demand things from people that's when it becomes a problem whether it's a platonic or a personal relationship.
True
This video was my entire view on friendships and I loved it so much!! If you wouldn’t help your friends, then why are y’all friends? Don’t you love that person? I literally would die for my pals I love them so much ❤
Aww I love this take!
I’m scared of being overly helpful because of not realizing when someone is a user in the past. i’ve been in situations where I’ve had people size me up in a way asking things like how much does your laptop cost and how much did it cost for you to buy your place and it just felt very intrusive.
Fun fact: people actually like you more when they do favors for you. Because they invest their time and energy, they like you more to make it feel like you were worth it.
If I had to diagnose the issue, it's that we as a society have become so hyper-individualistic that no one recognises the value of altruism for building resilience, so people who actually like helping are left unsupported until they're used up and unable to continue helping people. I grew up in a small town where helping people out was such an ingrained part of the culture. When I moved to the city it took no time at all to completely burn out because people didn't value that I helped less fortunate people and wouldn't give me the time of day unless I directly helped them, and even then if I didn't hide that I like helping they would take me for granted and never feel the need to offer reciprocity. Throw in that I'm socially inept and my acceptance seemed to be dependent on how helpful I could be, so when I burnt out and literally was desperate for some of that karma to come around I really kinda felt completely disposable.
Yes, I agree with everything you said! And for these very same reasons, I believe, is why it is so hard to make new lasting friendships as an adult. Everyone has their ways and appears to be *happily* stuck in them. I can’t say I have one friend that would willingly pick me up from the airport, or be sad if plans had to be cancelled. I've learned, ironically, that in order for me to open the door for a new possible friendship, I have to inconvenience myself/go out of my way for them! These budding relationships always start off great, but slowly melt away due to the other person never wanting to compromise any facet of their "introverted," comfortable habits and do more things in a togetherness capacity. And, at that, it's much harder to create solid friendships after marriage and kids especially. We do need a more collective/community consciousness, and less of the me, myself, and I culture!
This is an interesting conversation. Hyper-individualism and the role it plays in the loneliness with this generation. Even as an introvert, I feel this. I remember my African parents telling me how it was hard to be lonely because people would always just show up your door with no warning lol. I guess it can be considered as inconvenient or imposing, but someone was checking in on you
Yeah, i miss that so much. I miss family friends randomly calling around for a cup of tea, and telling you all the neighbourhood biz. To be honest, I miss the ring of the doorbell or the rap of the letterbox, it's just so quiet now. Now I'm an adult with a place of my own, but nobody ever calls round for tea. It's not what I expected the future to be.
I think you raise a good point, but also I want to bring a new perspective to the discussion.
I think everyone would agree that any inconvenience is worth it for a wonderful friend. I would gladly drop everything to help my best friends. However, the tricky thing is these types of great friends are hard to find. In real life, not all effort is rewarded. You could spend as much time together with someone as possible just to find out you can't be friends with them in the end - maybe due to a lack of common interests, personality incompatibility, etc. etc.. It's totally possible to put in the effort to spend hours with someone but still never develop a deep bond with them (i.e. like "survival friends" people have in high school), or to find out they are toxic and become betrayed. It's not that people don't want to put in the effort because of inconvenience, it's just that the potential bad outcomes are so sad and scary that social interaction is no longer worth the inconvenience. It really doesn't help that, (and I'm not sure if this is just my personal bias,) it really seems like bad friendships are a super commonplace experience that it's almost expected - I feel like if you walk down the street and ask any random person if they've had a bad friend, they will tell you yes.
I think people don't just fear being inconvenienced, but there is also an extra layer of people being more risk averse than before. People are more afraid of wasting time and energy nowadays, because there's so many other rewarding things we could be doing with that time and energy than spending it with a subpar friend. We fear getting inconvenienced by someone whose friendship would never be worth it. No wonder people prefer to spend time alone doing things for themselves - that alone time has a guaranteed reward.
If everyone had more trust in other people, if they had a guarantee that things will end up well, everything would be so much easier. But unfortunately, such a guarantee can never exist, and you HAVE to take a leap of faith for social interactions.
i totally get your point and i've been through, let's say a few mishaps. my way of dealing with this and seeing how much and to who you can give, is to actually give bit by bit and see how much is given back. what is given back doesn't have to the tangible, it can be their time or gratitude. the point is, see if there's any reciprocation and proactiveness in their giving to you.
but from personnal experience, a lot of people don't even realise how much they hurt others because they take their presence in their life as granted. in fact, they see the "low maintainance" friendships online and instead understand "low investment/effort" and then wonder why it doesn't work. maintainance and effort are two different things, but they may not even understand the issue until being explained directly.
so while you're not wrong at the end, i do think some people are just selfish, expect people to almost serve them and to be always forgiven if they just say sorry with a sad face, just to repeat the same mistake again.
I think it's okay to have superficial friends that you only grab drinks with or get your nails done together, but if that superficial friend never burdens you with their problems, don't do it to them either
I feel like for me part of this is the difference between sacrifice and people pleasing. I make (inconvenient) sacrifices for people because I love them and I value our relationship. I people please because I’m scared to lose someone or want to make myself look good. Sacrifices are good, but we don’t need to people please
I agree wholeheartedly with this, we’ve swung too far to the other side where people are afraid to ask anything of their friends and therefore, there’s not a lot of opportunity to create depth. One thing I think is missing from the conversation is the nuance of how things have changed between the age of our parents and how we’re living now. In general we’re more exhausted because we encounter our stressors at all times whether it be being a WFH employee, or grappling with the general societal anguish related to not being able to afford a lot of things despite working full time. To me, it’s no wonder that we desire convenience more than ever because things are just that much more stressful in general and the only way to turn it off is to …. claim the time to do nothing.
I don’t know if it makes sense what I’m saying, but I just think that there’s something else in this equation that makes it so that it’s undesirable to have to stress about yet another thing such as picking a friend up from the airport or hosting someone. Our values have changed drastically as a result of the microwave everything that we have access to and I don’t think that this means people don’t WANT to inconvenience themselves, more so that the opportunity costs of inconveniencing yourself is much greater than it used to be.
I think this is a really interesting take!
For me, it's neoliberal capitalism that has made us commodities and monetise every single facet of our existence. You no longer chill at home, you post it on IG for the likes. You no longer go for a walk, you post about how you're getting fit, and then try to get sponsorships on your new trainers. Nothing can just BE because we're trying to optimise everything. We live more in the future, the what if, the how can I turn this to my advantage, than we do in the present. It's mentally and spiritually exhausting.
I totally agree. The age of convenience has evolved so much and once people get a taste of it, we begin to get used to it and it slowly becomes the norm
My general philosophy is be kind and generous to the people who are kind and generous to you. Start all relationships by being kind, being gracious, being generous, but if they aren’t giving that back… there are always people who are willing to be your friend. Especially, if you are a person who they see is a great companion. It takes some time, bravery , and a bit of self-esteem but it’s worth it. 😊
there's a saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed."
I believe community/relationships/social network gives meaning. The more you invest into it, the more meaning your life gets. Nowadays, people don't invest in relationships, we're disconnected, and we lack meaning in our lives. I think that's connected.
This nakes so much sense. That initial reaction to "we should be inconvenienced" begins to fade ehen you think about how it's when people do inconvenient things for us that we appreciate and have the most gratitude. It lets you know you can trust this person in a hard time and makes you want to return that same kindness.
I have been telling people this for YEARS we need to be there for our friends and they should reciprocate however possible. I have been gaslit over this so many times, by both friends AND family. My dad’s side of the family has always treated me with this brand of coldness, and it’s beginning to frustrate me more than usual. My grandma doesn’t want to have emotional discussions with me because it’s apparently stressful and she is “too old for this” and I have so much anger and sadness about this. My dad’s side of the family and I have a lot of unresolved issues because they refuse to make themselves emotionally available and now they have shut the door entirely on the discussion. I cannot imagine how their friends might feel if this is how they treat family. As far as I know, my dad has one actual friend and all the rest are seemingly party invites.
im so glad my friends are not like this, im really grateful for how much we do for each other after listening to this
My friends have always offered to do things for me. Carry my groceries, help pay for my plane ticket, offered to pick me up from the airport etc. I always turn them down too but am just appreciative of how caring and attentive they are
Totally unexpected topic I truly need to reflect upon. I hate the idea of inconveniencing people, and I also don't like to be inconvenienced as a result. My friends are also quite similar, which doesn't help lol. However, the closer I am with someone, the less I see doing acts of service as an inconvenience. I am definitely not doing it for any and everyone, but more than happy to go the extra mile for a few people. I just like that you brought this to the table. It's definitely something I'd like to explore more.
I used to be friends with and briefly date a person with the attitude you're describing. Her own view is that therapy taught her to be very mindful of her own boundaries and set them clearly-but what she didn't realize was that it also made her unlearn how to leave space for others in her life. Not only did she have a hard time inconveniencing herself for others, she also thought it was wrong when people did it for her. My love language, meanwhile, is inconveniencing myself for people (within reason of course), and when I pushed myself out of my comfort zone one time because it was important to her, she got angry at me and told me that that was never a good enough reason to do anything. It made me feel really unappreciated and looking back, I'm glad it didn't work out. The company I keep now is a lot bettr with this-as the guy I'm dating now put it: it's the difference between "no big deal" and "you're welcome".
I have one friend but I’ve had that one friend for almost 15 years. I feel so lucky but sad that I can’t find more.
Yeah, naturally speaking it is insanely hard to keep up with everyone, some bits of impromptu plans or call would definitely bring some sparks of joy in each others lives.
Though I guess what kills me sometimes is the confrontation of it, I don’t just wanna leave a “we should hang soon” text,
I wanna call and catch up without asking,
Maybe even just ask u need a friend at a party or something. Idk
I just get nervous being friends with my friends
I completely agree. As I adult I’m realizing more and more that in this world I live in, I will not be able to survive without trusting, inconveniencing, and relying on friends and family. I can’t afford an Uber. I can’t afford to hire a mechanic to fix my car; but I’ve got friends who know what they’re doing and can be paid for in good company and maybe a joint to share. The world works a hell of a lot better when everyone works together
I like how you discuss your religious beliefs in a way that isn't exclusionary to people who don't share your views. You just brought it up when it related to the topic you were discussing without it becoming the center focus. I wish more people spoke in this way so that people with different beliefs could have the opportunity to understand someone unlike them. When religious people get preachy and judgemental, it shuts out those of us who want to appreciate people's differences without feeling like we have to share the same beliefs. I appreciate that you've been able to be open and honest and inclusive of your audience that may view things differently, not just with your beliefs, but with your opinions on the video topic. I admire your sense of security in being yourself and your strength to be able to share that with the world.
I will say, that I was brought up (nigerian) to give from a place of obligation and usually, it is an (unspoken) gendered expectation and women are the ones who show up for everyone else and hold community. The inconvenience we speak of is often not expected of men, sadly. The travel gifts luggages were usually carried by moms and aunties.
Trauma healing for me, has been a way to free up myself from doing things out of obligation/fear and by creating this space, I have found myself seeking genuine connection and part of that is showing up for others and acts of service which technically means I am willingly giving from a place of having excess without expecting reciprocation. If I do, it probably means I don't have the excess to give, which isn't bad, it's just data. I no longer feel resentful because I can't control or expect others to give me what I give them. I do decide how much to engage in relationships depending on how much reciprocity I am shown, not because I asked, manipulated, shamed or guilted people into doing it though.
I believe people inherently have a drive to do good, and derive joy in showing up for others, it feels really good to share.
if someone is a close friend (and the friendship is healthy for both of you) i feel like there is a certain level of commitment to each other (within reason of course). like sure, you're not in an exclusive relationship. but i feel committed to helping especially my closest friends when they need it and sacrificing my time and energy for them, because i love them and want them to feel like they can lean on me for support, and also because i want them to do the same for me. and to be honest, i would even say that i _expect_ them to do the same for me, obviously according to their individual circumstances and ability/time/health/etc.
one of the most important things i learned about relationships is that you have to inconvenience yourself for the other person. That's where it's forged, the trust that you can be a bit inconvenient and the other person will have your back and vice-versa.
This is a very important message and im glad you made this video
"No growth happens without inconvenience" well said. Also, this is my first time on your channel and this video was an interesting but good watch. :)
I don't know, I've been inconveniencing myself for a long time and things just got worse and worse. I didn't get stronger, I didn't feel more capable or fulfilled, I just felt destroyed.
@@MorganHyde-ie5ru I’m sorry and I understand you, completely valid. I’ve felt this way in the past (and still do tbh). There were many times where I was defeated, taken advantage of, and put myself at an inconvenience and things just got progressively worse lmao. Though, if it weren’t for those times, I wouldn’t have been able to recognize my worth or grow as an individual who can now see what they so truly deserve. It felt brutal at the moment but now looking back, I appreciate the inconvenience. I may not have gotten the outcome I wanted, or “result” or “return” for that matter, but the built up inconveniences gave me wake up calls on my actions and that I should protect myself and energy more. I hope things get better for you bud.🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾❤️
@@MorganHyde-ie5ru I’m sorry and I understand you, as it is completely valid. I’ve felt this way in the past (and still do tbh). There were many times where I was defeated, taken advantage of, and put myself at an inconvenience and things just got progressively worse lmao. Though, if it weren’t for those times, I wouldn’t have been able to recognize my worth or grow as an individual who can now see what they so truly deserve. It felt brutal in the moment but now looking back, I appreciate the inconvenience. I may not have gotten the outcome I wanted, or “result” or “return” for that matter, but the built up inconveniences gave me wake up calls on my actions and that I should protect myself and energy more. I hope things get better for you bud.🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾❤️
That therapist friend breakup advice video was crazy. I prefer to go all in with my friendships. I had a friend tell me that she couldn’t be my emotional support and I respected that. I was hurt at first but she continually told me that she couldn’t and wasn’t willing to be that for me. But I have other friends who are enthusiastically willing to have me lean on them. I have friends I feel comfortable asking for money or to loan money from. I have friends who I tell them I love them and I can tell them anything. Find your people, because I do think those relationships can be healthy and fulfilling
I am just a silly little errands friend looking for my acts of service friend 😂
I live in the Pacific Northwest of the US, where people would rather die than put themselves in the lives of anyone around them. People cancel plans last minute all the time, then don't bother to try rescheduling or anything. Dude I'd be stoked if a pal asked me to pick them up from the airport. It means they trust me enough to ask, and I get to hang out with them for a little too!
I agree 1000% with what you’re saying. It’s like conveniency has kind of puts us in a state of complacency.
Damn this should have been in my title haha
You nailed it, this is spot on! I’ve always been the giver with friends, but friends only took, never offered the same or put the same effort. But this video really applies to me in regards to getting out there and being uncomfortable rather than staying home. It’s been hard to make friends after COVID and moving to a new state, but I hope to make it happen 😊
I tried to make a friend and asked her to hang out and she said she was totally down to hang out, but then just ignored my texts for multiple days when we had plans to hang out twice and then when i asked if she didn't want to hang out anymore she ignored that too, but when I talked to her in person she said we were all good. So I texted her asking her to please get better at responding bc its causing me much unnecessary anxiety, and she said she's more concerned about managing her own anxiety than changing anything about herself to mitigate mine and that this has become quite overwhelming. Now we don't really talk much. Its just really disappointing bc I think she's a cool person and I enjoy talking with her quite a bit, but I feel like I asked for a reasonable thing and she basically just told me that was too much for her to handle
I've never seen a friendship like this. I've had toxic ones where they harmed me, but never one that is detached.
I used to have a time where I couldn't do that anymore, bc i was just too depressed, but nowdays, after my journey and being in therapy, I feel more ready to be inconvinienced by my friends and would love to help them out. like physically. emotionally i already do.
This is what I always tell my two closest friends: with any close relationship, there's gonna be uncomfortable and difficult situations. That's what made us closer, because we've managed to go past these awful (and sometimes even jarring) experiences together and learned how to trust each other truthfully. Now they're like siblings to me because of this very reason. We're not afraid to discuss anything with one another, we act as a sort of reciprocal therapy. Obviously it's not the same as actual psychotherapy but we're each other's support system, which is just as important, and we're happy this way
Don't be afraid of thaf uncomfortableness. Just know that if you really love each other, you'll get through it somehow, eventually
agreed! It is also great for quality bonding time!
Yep!
I think the issue sometimes (and this happened to me) is that you become so dependable, that you burn out.
I failed university because of this, everyone wanted something from me because I was "a nice guy who's there for his friends".
Because of that, I literally shut everyone off. Everything I wanted to do was sacrificed, I didn't even know who I was anymore 🤦🏿♂️.
I still do make sacrifices for my friends, but I definitely needed that gap to cut everyone off and sort myself out (which I did glory to God 🙏🏿), and if anything, that time is when I saw who my real friends were, all the fakes disappeared.
spot on tbh, think it's part of the whole wanting to be seen to have a lot of friends as well so you can't invest as deeply.
Hmm good point
I'm reminded of why it's important to 'inconvenience' our loved ones and have them 'inconvenience' us every time someone is moving or there's a big event like a wedding. When I moved, I had my family and friends, and even some friends of my family help us move. We bought them beer and pizza for the trouble and had ourselves a lil informal 'apartment' warming party after we lugged everything up 2 flights of stairs. When my sister and her bf moved (twice in one gd year!), everybody got in the car and pitched in. Because of it, moving in both cases was a sitch and we got it done in under 3 hours (not including unpacking lol, that's when i dipped ).
When my sister-in-law got married, we went up a few days early to help her get everything set up, help her take everything down, and when me and my fiance (her younger brother) get married in a few months, she'll be helping us, too!
I've moved alone before and it SUCKS, takes forever, and it's exhausting and potentially dangerous if you're 5'0 and hypermobile and have the worst posture/form 😃👍 And I couldn't imagine having to do a wedding all by myself with zero help. I'd lose my head if I didn't have people as my sounding board, especially in this day and age. The wedding industry is a hot mess.
Oh my god, yes. YES. This is one of the saddest things that I see in our society. Please, guys, cherish your friends, we are all human, we are all faulty and being vulnerable with someone means that you can stop pretend that you're not faulty around them BUT ALSO let them be faulty too and still help them, accept them. So they can do the same for you. That's the cure for our loneliness.
(ofc, its needs to be mutual and I'm not talking about taking advantage of someone and toxic behaviour. But dear God, the empathy, patience and helping each other is a must)
I've picked up and have been picked up by my friends from the airport without a car. I took the train and bus to be there for my friend. It never felt like a burden...these people don't haver real friendships if something as small as this is a problem for them 😐 this is why more and more people, from teenagers to adults feel lonely nowadays. People are too selfish and keep promoting an individualistic society...it's going to be very detrimental for the future of humanity if we continue to be like this
they're missing out on the hanging out & jamming to the music in the car moments lol it's such an exciting moment to spot your friend in the crowd and show how much you care, but oh well.
As someone not living in the US, I gotta say that the fact of not picking up friends from the airport truly shocks me. If you have a car to drive to the airport and some spare time - pick them up. Even tho public transport is better in my country than in most of US, it‘s still quite a struggle with all of your luggage.
My wife & I keep in touch with the reunited families of former foster kids. We will be inconvenienced for their sake and give them rides watch their kids. Our families don't need us the same way and we feel a detachment from them and it's sad overall. We'd obviously drop stuff for them but we never have to. Like wise we never have an urgent need for them to meet. We'd love to have them stop by.
This is so thoughtful. I appreciate the pushback against selfishness, and the acknowledgement of personal limits, without any shaming.
I used to be giving but then people took advantage of that so now I’m just like everyone else
This was a well made engaging video and made me think of a lot of things to consider. I've gone out of my way to help my friends. I've also gone out of my way to NOT help my friends. I've lost friends. Gained new ones. And seem to be more engaged with online friends than local friends for the past 2 months. I'm 24 and Its all a learning experience discovering more about myself.
People have mixed up self preservation with being selfish
i feel like this is exactly why a lot of my friendships have dwindled. i wasn’t even pushing myself
The way you explained this is truly beautiful, the way your vocabulary doesn’t feel forced and it just flows so well
I actually enjoy being alone! I DONT EVER FEEL LONELY FOR SOME REASON!
really need this right now, felt like i've just been slapped across the face as i've been switching my phone off and avoiding digital social interactions as i "need some time for myself," when in fact i'm just self-isolating. thank you
Communication is vital. It's important to let your friends and family know when you can and when you can't. There's nothing wrong with being able to set proper parameters around your friendships. Sometimes it's necessary to relax and take care of yourself so that if you can you're able to pour into others. As the old saying goes you cannot pour from an empty cup.
I think there's also something to be said for individuals who have always shown up and been there for friends and family. Those relationships become overwhelmed because it's one-sided. But I also see what you're saying as far as making sure that we are willing to grow in our relationships.
personally, therapy has helped me become LESS selfish and start caring more about other people. by working through the old grievances I had with my family, I am now able to show them more love and compassion. it also made me realise that waiting for other people to notice me and start talking to me first is a losing strategy. everyone has to put in effort in a relationship, no matter what kind of a relationship it is.
My personal solution is to weigh my inconvenience with other aspects of the situation. Yeah, I’m tired, but my friend needs such and such more than I need rest.
Also, it seems to me that none of these people even like their friends. A real connection is supposed to me you happy, not exhausted.
Btw I don’t even think it’s about being happy versus to contribute to the society. I feel it’s more like comfortable all the time vs sometimes to choose being uncomfortable to do something for yourself and others. Cause when people choose comfort 100% of the time, not only their relationship’s growth, but their growth slows down too. And then our capacity to overcome challenges in life, trying something new, doing that thing that we always wanted, but we’re scared to, stopping scrolling all the time is so much harder cause we can’t stop being “comfortable” in our fears, anxiety, self-hatered. Cause changing and evolving is hard! Ask any teenager if it’s comfortable to literally grow!
But I also feel like we all needed that time to be comfortable, to be safe, even if it was up ”unhelpful”. It’s the same thing when you live through something very hard and need to lay down for a few days and grow into the new phase of your life, to transmute these feelings. So don’t be hard on yourself or others. We are already talking about that, that means soon we will overcome this too!
I loved this so much and put into words well what I've been thinking about a lot lately. I think the problem with therapy culture is that it often assumes the person being therapied is someone who gives too much in relationships without asking much back. And to be fair that is a big problem where you're completely justified ending a friendship if it's one sided and you're always taking care of them without it being reciprocated but as a general rule for everyone yeah inconveniences happen and that's okay and that's what friendship is supposed to be about is sticking together so yes those are the moments friends need to be there for each other the most.
Listennnnn. You can only know your friendships are true if you inconvenience them (reasonably) and they go through with it and still love you the same after
The day i got locked out of my flat after a late shift and freaking out as a single woman outside on a friday late night, I realised who of my friends really cared and who didn't 😭 some were phoning locksmiths for me, or offering a sofa, and others never asked if i was okay or if I ever got in. I would pick them up from anywhere they needed in a heart beat!! I'm always looking for ways to help my friends, even if it means I need to go out of my way
I actually liked the therapist break up. What she said wasn't robotic but a healthy way to communicate.
this video made me realize it doesn’t have to be one or the other with mental health.
to use more therapy speak, the goal should not be to never have to use any of our spoons. My goal in taking a mental health weekend is to not use up all my spoon, so I don’t miss out on the opportunity to pick up my friend at the airport next weekend. But that doesn’t mean I have to never use any of my spoons again. and I think that’s where some people have taken the whole therapy thing too far that they never want to have to make any sacrifices like you said either extreme as bad never using. Your spoons means you miss out but running out of spoons also means that you’ll miss out.
girlie has a point, i hope this reaches out to everyone i know