I am 71 and at 4 years old I remember thinking I am on my own. I have spent 67 trying to overlook the abuse and see the "good" in the narcissists in my life. What a waste. Dr. Ramani is 100% right. Do not do what I did, get on with your life. There are good people that need and will appreciate your empathy.
me too, and what a waste of life. And in the end you will discover somehow that nothing you did meant anything anyways. Everything you give just drains into a void, like everything that is sucked into a black hole.
The "good" in a narcissist is always transactional. Any time and every time they do something good they expect something in return for it. That's not being good.
People who say "See the good in people". Have never been involved with a narcissist. Seeing the good in narcissists, comes with bad, heavy consequences and side effects that last for the rest of your life.
It’s not that black and white. Some people end up holding onto their low self esteem and don’t have boundaries for themselves yet. They are stuck in victim mode under control and don’t want others to ruffle feathers of the narcissist THEY are dealing with so as a safety and self preservation they try to not deface the narcissist and keep up the “see the good in them” mind set. It’s not even conscious most times. It’s not seen until you get out. The truth is there is good in everyone, but if there’s enough bad there to harm you or your loved ones then the investment isn’t worth it to stay with them. Better to be loyal to the people who don’t abuse you and matter most.
When the world drains your empathy you just got to be empathetic to yourself and give yourself a break from from it all. Find what brings you joy and spend a little time each day doing that. Recharge the batteries with a little self love 💖
I think that the idea of empathy meaning that we have to make ourselves see the good in people while not holding them accountable for their bad behavior is perpetuated by the narcissists in our society. It serves them well.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Thats normal. Sometimes you just have to deal with these thoughts for as long as they come up until your mind decides it's done. As long as you don't have PTSD or CPTSD, then you need help from a trauma informed therapist. Im sorry though either way, it feels horrible. My worst narc trauma is my mom.
What the toxic positive Polyannas of this world don't understand is that losing empathy for the Narc took us years/decades---time during which we lost everything, including our health, hopes, and dreams. When you're empathetic, empathy is the very LAST thing you lose. And sometimes, you don't even lose it!!! Seeing the Narc for what he is, without making justifications or excuses, is a matter of survival!
These people need to remember the saying "do for others as you would have them do for you." That doesn't mean to continue to serve them, while they abuse and use you.
Married to the narcissist for some 30 years now and kept on looking for the good in him constantly. Good he is but only for others not for me or my daughters. I had been watching all videos of Dr Ramani. Thanks for giving me such an insight on this less talked about subject.I really went through that compassion drained phase but now with the knowledge provided by Dr Ramani I think I can sail through and be fine. Thanks Dr Ramani
Dr.Ramani you are amazingly correct. This distorted version of empathy almost cost me my life. He was going to do something very bad and I didn’t fall for it because I realized always trying to see the good in him was costing me judgement and ultimately myself. These types are abusive and they will ruin you….not to be dramatic but your life depends on you stopping. You have to give them and watch how you heal and flourish. No matter how nice they are and mine was nice, they will bring you harm. They will bring you harm. Disconnect, heal and you self with THANK YOU!
Wow, so Brilliant. It's like people keep insisting on finding new ways to make narcissists acceptable when they so are not. Yes, there is good in them, but that good will never keep them from gaslighting, manipulating, and controlling you until you are a quivering mess of insecurity who doubts everything they do and doubts their potential.
Dr. Ramani, I have compassion fatigue for narcissistic individuals.....and also for the enablers. I'm over it. Thank you for saying "it's not an eraser". Amen. ♥
Being empathic is not about seeing only the 'good' in others, it is seeing the truth, seeing the humanity, understanding the suffering. I understand the repetitive patterns borne from suffering in the narcissists around me to a much great depth than they do. This does not mean that I do not have boundaries and limit my contact with these narcissists because I also feel empathy for myself. Being empathic is not about gaslighting myself, ignoring what I see right in front of me. Empathy is feeling everything and acting in the best interests of the whole, which includes myself, and does not include enabling toxic behavior in anyone.
This is so important because if we were raised by narc..we have empathy but that empathy for ourselves was trained out of us…only serve them…has taken years to not only see their pain but mine too…and sometimes that means walking away- I’m talking family here…because I’ve been thru enough and can’t watch or participate in their decline- because no matter what do never enough and is draining me on all levels- when give myself the same empathy I have given everyone else…I get the message run
I’ve been an empath all my life. Never ever have I ever seen it as a gift. It has made me miserable all my life. To me empathy was the ability to feel what the other felt. It’s sadness, it’s anger, it’s frustration, it rage, I felt it all even before the person, any person could put a name to it. Again. It has been a curse, an unending curse where others feeling have always made their way into my brain and took over my own. I simply disappeared in their emotional state with all it’s toxicity and selfishness until there was nothing left of me…
Use this superpower to nurture your inner child buried under all the abuse as well as the obligations imposed on her 💔❤️🩹♥️ FOG is the fear/obligation/guilt that was used to control us but we need the light of day now
Sadly or not, it’s hard to say, he left with someone else once I had become so sick I was bed ridden so now there is no knowing me or discovering the world, just waiting to die and taking pain médecine. Life funny that way. People say you have a gift, a gift so incredible that it give you all kind of chronic disease, cancer even at barely 38 years old, a gift so magical that it irks people around you because they don’t like the fact that you can read their souls, makes it harder to lie to one self and and to other, so a gift that isolate you. Obviously I hope not everyone had the same experience as me, I know there aren’t two same empath in the world because some have learn to manage their emotion younger. Me I was always surrounded by narcissist. As if I was a magnet to them so I only learn how to please in advance. So never got the time to find our who I was and now I just want any kind god to allow me to sleep forever, so I’ll never know but I’m okay with that. Too much suffering to have time to wonder anyway…😅
After 16 years , It’s so frustrating. I’ve noticed years ago and went numb with my narc spouse. I concentrate on the others in my life who need me and deserve my attention and care. I know who and what I’m dealing with and no longer waste my time. Doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting and absolutely destructive to the family. But we move on with our lives regardless.
Dr Ramani, thank you, lately you’ve really ramped up the directness, and I love it. I feel empaths need to hear bold no BS talk. Listening to you helps me enormously, no one really ever talks about toxic positivity , instead it’s mostly validated by the collective. I’m 70, and exhausted from the mandates of being a child in the 50’s, brought up in patriarchal fundamentalist family. I seem like a slow leaner but really, this is stunningly new to me. Trying not to be ashamed of this late learning, and being grateful.
72 getting divorced, sister and two of my daughters think I’m the horrible one. 25 years and the most horrible part, my two beautiful granddaughters, Ive made boundaries. Such a loss.
Also been there. 35 years. Scoops out your soul, losing your grands especially. Eventually the pain of the original relationship will eclipse the pain of losses you endure while getting free. It's not easy, make no mistake. Good luck, God speed, peace and serenity all to you on your journey. ❤
It's so tiring, every time you want the narc to conform to normal behaviour, they want something else for it first. And afterwards they can't stop talking up their absolutely minor effort they made.
I’m tired of ‘trying to find the good’ in people. If I have to try so hard that it’s stressful for me, I don’t want it in my life. People can have good in them but still have bad that is unhealthy and unsafe for me, and I have every right to take care of myself. Finally learnt that I have value and I matter too. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Being an empath we can see through a lot. Like watching a nark fake cry. I don’t feel it. Then a nark gets a bit mad. Like Dr Ramani said we feel genuine emotions. When I’ve been caught up in nark relationships I did a lot of second guessing myself. Now I’m like I ain’t feeling this- period!
What can I say except you understand, you put a positive spin on such tragedy, your advice is priceless and thank you for helping victims everywhere. ❤
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes bairepersons, I have a similar experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction, and mushrooms have significantly contributed to my recovery and being clean today.
I wish those were more easily accessible where I live. Microdosing was my next step for my husband. He's 59 & dealing with lots of mental health challenges, possible CTE & a TBI that put him in a coma for 8 days. Unfortunately, I had to get a TPO since he's 6'6, over 300 pounds, and showing violent behavior, constantly talking about harming others. He's aggressive. To anyone reading this, if you're familiar with BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?
As an Empath who extends lots of empathy, consideration, compassion, etc., it was easy to get mixed up with folks with narcissistic traits/behaviors. Thankfully, I got out of those relationships while not being broken or brought down. I am actually a more mature Empath in the sense of not compromising my levels of Empathy, Compassion, Consideration, etc., while having stronger boundaries now than ever before. The narcissistic experience was definitely different life lessons. My foundation is still strong as ever… or even stronger than before. ❤
When I tried to tell him how traumatized I was by being in the car with him during his road rage, he pointed out that he had recently bought me two apple fritters on his way home from work. "I had to stop at two stores to find them!" I said, "Traumatizing me by driving like a homicidal maniac vs. buying two apple fritters? Not the same." Their 'logic' is mind-boggling.
Empathy is not seeing the good in people, ie, toxic positivity - I never understood that ! Thank you - yet again, it's not me, I'm not the problem - amazing message to get. If I can truly believe that completely it would be life changing. With your help Dr Romani I'm moving towards it . Thank you.
I'm seeing so much selfishness and uncaring. I'm now pulling back from some friendships. I have a huge amount of empathy. I will not accept unkind behavior anymore
Every video is like reading my most recent journal entries outloud 😮. Without strategy, my empathy becomes vulnerable to exploitation, manipulation, and weaponization in these relationships. Transforming a source of connective strength into invisible shackles.
You can see the “good” in them as long as they’re getting their way. All that “good” goes out the window once they turn vindictive and sadistic when they don’t get their way. If there’s absolutely no goodness or fairness shown when they don’t get their way, then we know the goodness was only a manipulative act. Their “good” isn’t genuine and therefore the true personality/character appears when they’re abusive.
It's God's job to forgive them. It's my job to walk away from being their emotional punching bag. They have no desire to change. Walk away if you can. "Grey rock" if you are stuck....
Without watching the video: When I saw the title, I went:, "Yep that's the origin of my burn out.". EDIT after watching the video. "This is awesome information. ".
Yes, and so I stay away from people like that. The negative energy from them drains me. I RADICALLY ACCEPTED that they'll never change. Once a narcisissit, always a narcisissit. I do feel sorry for them. I know the traumas they carry. I pray for them.
Narcissists and their enablers have sucked the life out of you by the time you realize what's happening. I couldn't even say when I lost myself, and I'm not even sure what contentment would look like
"One way empathy drain." Just seeing this title elucidated what I experienced in a recent six month relationship with someone who turned out to be a narcissist. I was kind, I tried to see things from his perspective, I gave him the benefit of the doubt (for months), and then when I needed understanding, a listening ear, validation...well, you guessed it. Nada. I was confused. Eventually, my feelings for him cooled and then became resentment and anger, as my self esteem plummeted and I began to doubt my own perceptions.. I ended it at about six months. Looking back, I identify with the one way empathy drain. I was empathetic to him for many months, but I can't remember even once when he expressed empathy to me. Thank you for your work, Dr. Ramani.
Empathy is NOT about seeing the good in the narcissist. Empathy is about seeing why a narcissist is the way they are. Empathy is not about excusing and putting up with the narcissist's constant bad behavior. "Don't let the enablers shame you."
Some times your emphathy makes you believe their story and you won't realize the truth for decades so it is best to hold off on your empathy once they hurt you and not to be blinded duty or because of some relationship to you. If someone is repeatedly taking your empathy for granted you should remove yourselves from that situation. It is easier said than done.
My childhood take away was discernment. My mother was an endless bottomless black hole of needs and obligations for me....just because she was entitled to that as my "mother". By proxy, she raised one resilient daughter. I appreciate the lessons and have made other choices including people who treat me well. I do not have contact with my mother. By choice. My life is 💯 better.
How did you manage the emotional beatdown from the rest of the family and extended family system for (allegedly) "abandoning" her? And how when you're looking for a supportive community of others do you work around those others devaluing you because those new people also believe - however unconsciously - that "her own family doesn't even value her, so why should we?"
The toxic positivity from my relationship felt like complete dismissal and denial of true concerns and issues that come up in daily life. Thank you for this video!
Thank you!❤That whas so helpful !!!❤ I think I was programmed twice for empathy, but I don't like at all toxic people, unfortunatly easier when they are not close to me... I was blamed for not not having empathy, cruel, mean, when started to set some boudneries. I still struggle, but better than it was. Therapy, antidepressant, waching videos help.❤
This is so important to understand and for me absolutely crucial to developing a comprehensive individualised conclusion to retaining my sense of empathetic self . Thank you Doctor Ramani for just reminding me of something which I never lost but needed to remember.
When it’s Drained! Then what replaces it! My gosh! Let me tell you! The anger! My Dear God! The Anger! I hate myself! For such feelings! My thoughts! 😢😢😢
I have been BURNED Too many times by predators who Knew What I wanted to hear , and Promised me what they Knew I wanted to hear, with that chatacteristic Grin on their face
I think being told to ‘look for the good’ can be a form of gaslighting or invalidating people’s bad experiences with someone. The enablers always say that rather than acknowledge the bad. Not doubting my empathy but allowing myself to see the bad too and walk away when I need to. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I wish i could get out of the relationship with my narcissistic brother. But unfortunately we live under the same roof and i cant move out because I'm very sick and waiting for an important operation.
I remember the awful feeling I had when it finally dawned on me just how unempathetic my psycho, narcissist ex girlfriend really was. That really opened my eyes.
“If you don’t have something nice to say about someone; don’t say anything at all” was a foundation in my family of origin. I was recently reminded to by an older sister whom I apparently offended by something I had said and was trying to resolve with her. An impossible task. We are in our 60’s & 70’s btw, and the resentment, hostility, and dysfunction persist to this day.
I agree. Empathy is a good thing. Empathy is not the “problem”. We need *boundaries*. It’s beautiful to care about others and to see the good in them. But if those people are harming us, we may need to care about them and appreciate their good qualities from a safe distance.
Thank you for this video. Someone in my life recently told me that I have no empathy for putting up boundaries and no longer tolerating his poor behavior. This is so helpful. He is turning things around on me to avoid his own accountability. He is upset with me for not accepting his toxic positivity. I am empathetic but still recognize poor behavior and that my boundaries need to be respected. 🤯
I will understand why folks do what they do, however ive started repeating that phrase from Brooklyn 99 to myself of late, which is, "cool motive, still murder".
The Narcissist in my life Kept train ' wrecking' my life, then switching up and pretending to 'alter' his behavior accordingly, he would throw on the cheshire cat grin charismatic charm, promise me what he Knew I wanted to hear, then switch up and deliberately Use my empathy against me as a Weapon. It was emotional manipulation and mindfuckery to the Extreme ! People looking in from the Outside Kept falling for his Charm, and started hard core critisizing Me when I stopped falling for his BS. It was BIZZARRE !
I feel really stupid. I moved out of an emotionally abusive relationship after 9 years. We have a 2 year old together. I felt so stuck, took me a long time to leave. When I moved out I thought it was for good but we have been seeing each other since I moved out. I thought things would change but they feel like they are going back to the same way again. I don't feel happy, I haven't moved back in but I still feel stuck even though I feel stupid for not walking away again....I feel the best thing for my mental health would be to leave.
All the good cannot make up for the constant belittling and verbal abuse in one's lifetime, and the long- term mental and physical effects on one's life.
I’ve been feeling suicidal again due to narcs and the abuse cycle. Because they’re family, I’ve made allowances and so on but no more. I can’t do it anymore, I’m at the stage where no more. No thank you. Self preservation is more important now. Be safe and look after yourselves.
A man can say things concerning his woman, as long as he’s careful of what people say. This idea of just going into a therapist, or anyone, and just blindly spilling the beans. Was something my Mom and Grandpa were always afraid of. A job, making money, for example. “I think when you’re hired, you go in there and ‘blow off’. That’s how you lose it”. My therapist “made himself comfortable”. That’s all he ever said.
Empathetic is not being altruistic but is understanding and knowing how someone feels. Empathy feels but doesn't think about boundaries until it's too late.
With the exception of the one severely malignant narcissist who stalked me, I found good, sometimes a lot of good, in every narcissist I’ve known. I still miss the fun I had with them, the good times. But there was such a price I had to pay! Too high a price. WAY too high a price.
My empathy for my main narc made me treat him like a human being, even though he treated me as less than an animal. So he repeatedly broke the law against me but I made sure he had everything he needed in old age. No one else around him was prepared to do that but I won't allow anyone in my circle to fall below a certain level. It was, however, duty not love that drove my empathy in his case.
Thankyou Dr R I’m not knowing the spelling of your name You are genius on the word empathy this clarification is needed and changes for good everything I’ve learned from you I loved the utube videos you give I’ve listened to them going on five years now Thankyou Love to you
This video reminded me that I was trying to understand where the ex was coming from when he told me something really off. I asked him what he means. Then I did have alarm bells going off after listening to what he said and just was silent trying to process it. I have played through a different scenario in my mind of how I wish I had handled that. There was more that doesn't look good about it and hopefully the timing was a coincidence but it doesn't look good all together. Before, my mind wasn't accepting of it... I did sense something may be more off about it. It must've been blocked... the betrayal blindness. Well after not being with him anymore when I remembered it again... I thought about the whole thing together and felt shocked. Hard to process.
I am 71 and at 4 years old I remember thinking I am on my own. I have spent 67 trying to overlook the abuse and see the "good" in the narcissists in my life. What a waste. Dr. Ramani is 100% right. Do not do what I did, get on with your life. There are good people that need and will appreciate your empathy.
Wow! I was about that age when I had that realization as well.
Me 2 💔❤️🩹♥️
me too, and what a waste of life. And in the end you will discover somehow that nothing you did meant anything anyways. Everything you give just drains into a void, like everything that is sucked into a black hole.
Never too late to start healing. God bless you dear.
72 and it's taken a long time to understand this..I have good friends who care as much about me as I care about them..
The "good" in a narcissist is always transactional. Any time and every time they do something good they expect something in return for it. That's not being good.
I wish people understood that everything a narc does is simply manipulative
Truer words were never spoken. ♥
I've spent my whole life dealing with people who behave this way.
People who say "See the good in people". Have never been involved with a narcissist. Seeing the good in narcissists, comes with bad, heavy consequences and side effects that last for the rest of your life.
Amen!!
I saw the good in my ex... still do sighs... but I also see the truth now behind his mask!
Soooooooooo TRUE.
Good intentions are simply a green light for the narcissist & strong boundaries are the red light as well as the stop 🛑 sign
It’s not that black and white. Some people end up holding onto their low self esteem and don’t have boundaries for themselves yet. They are stuck in victim mode under control and don’t want others to ruffle feathers of the narcissist THEY are dealing with so as a safety and self preservation they try to not deface the narcissist and keep up the “see the good in them” mind set. It’s not even conscious most times. It’s not seen until you get out. The truth is there is good in everyone, but if there’s enough bad there to harm you or your loved ones then the investment isn’t worth it to stay with them. Better to be loyal to the people who don’t abuse you and matter most.
When the world drains your empathy you just got to be empathetic to yourself and give yourself a break from from it all. Find what brings you joy and spend a little time each day doing that. Recharge the batteries with a little self love 💖
Find delight in life!
After I got burned, I just don't have tolerance for any of them. I'm done.
Yup
I think that the idea of empathy meaning that we have to make ourselves see the good in people while not holding them accountable for their bad behavior is perpetuated by the narcissists in our society. It serves them well.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Thats normal. Sometimes you just have to deal with these thoughts for as long as they come up until your mind decides it's done. As long as you don't have PTSD or CPTSD, then you need help from a trauma informed therapist. Im sorry though either way, it feels horrible. My worst narc trauma is my mom.
What the toxic positive Polyannas of this world don't understand is that losing empathy for the Narc took us years/decades---time during which we lost everything, including our health, hopes, and dreams. When you're empathetic, empathy is the very LAST thing you lose. And sometimes, you don't even lose it!!! Seeing the Narc for what he is, without making justifications or excuses, is a matter of survival!
These people need to remember the saying "do for others as you would have them do for you." That doesn't mean to continue to serve them, while they abuse and use you.
They have no understanding of the golden rule even if so-called Christian
Married to the narcissist for some 30 years now and kept on looking for the good in him constantly.
Good he is but only for others not for me or my daughters. I had been watching all videos of Dr Ramani. Thanks for giving me such an insight on this less talked about subject.I really went through that compassion drained phase but now with the knowledge provided by Dr Ramani I think I can sail through and be fine.
Thanks Dr Ramani
Gray rock out of it 😉
I’m full of empathy ! It’s a blessing and a nightmare too😮
Strong boundaries that you honor are the safeguard for your heart
Absolutely right! It’s like saying that to be empathetic means you aren’t allowed to ever call BS.
SO exhausting!
SO much time WASTED...
"The good stuff is NOT an eraser..."
The good stuff was part of the snow job! It’s just the false self
Dr.Ramani you are amazingly correct. This distorted version of empathy almost cost me my life. He was going to do something very bad and I didn’t fall for it because I realized always trying to see the good in him was costing me judgement and ultimately myself. These types are abusive and they will ruin you….not to be dramatic but your life depends on you stopping. You have to give them and watch how you heal and flourish. No matter how nice they are and mine was nice, they will bring you harm. They will bring you harm. Disconnect, heal and you self with THANK YOU!
Narcs really struggle with empathy. It's one of the most obvious red flags to look for.
I’m seeing a lot of “push back” from people: “everyone is a little narcissistic”; “have compassion for narcissists, they got that way through trauma”.
We live in a narcissistic culture that enables abuse through traditional roles & we’re now headed backwards as a civilization
That’s just BS. Not everyone got that way through trauma.
Wow, so Brilliant. It's like people keep insisting on finding new ways to make narcissists acceptable when they so are not. Yes, there is good in them, but that good will never keep them from gaslighting, manipulating, and controlling you until you are a quivering mess of insecurity who doubts everything they do and doubts their potential.
Dr. Ramani, I have compassion fatigue for narcissistic individuals.....and also for the enablers. I'm over it. Thank you for saying "it's not an eraser". Amen. ♥
It took me 45 years to figure this out, so much happier and stress free, no matter the behavior on their part.
Being empathic is not about seeing only the 'good' in others, it is seeing the truth, seeing the humanity, understanding the suffering. I understand the repetitive patterns borne from suffering in the narcissists around me to a much great depth than they do. This does not mean that I do not have boundaries and limit my contact with these narcissists because I also feel empathy for myself. Being empathic is not about gaslighting myself, ignoring what I see right in front of me. Empathy is feeling everything and acting in the best interests of the whole, which includes myself, and does not include enabling toxic behavior in anyone.
This is so important because if we were raised by narc..we have empathy but that empathy for ourselves was trained out of us…only serve them…has taken years to not only see their pain but mine too…and sometimes that means walking away- I’m talking family here…because I’ve been thru enough and can’t watch or participate in their decline- because no matter what do never enough and is draining me on all levels- when give myself the same empathy I have given everyone else…I get the message run
Thank you so much, you keep me sane, and you are so smart and insightful! 👍❤
I’ve been an empath all my life. Never ever have I ever seen it as a gift. It has made me miserable all my life. To me empathy was the ability to feel what the other felt. It’s sadness, it’s anger, it’s frustration, it rage, I felt it all even before the person, any person could put a name to it. Again. It has been a curse, an unending curse where others feeling have always made their way into my brain and took over my own. I simply disappeared in their emotional state with all it’s toxicity and selfishness until there was nothing left of me…
Same. ❤. Stay strong and self focus and self love and self care.
Use this superpower to nurture your inner child buried under all the abuse as well as the obligations imposed on her 💔❤️🩹♥️ FOG is the fear/obligation/guilt that was used to control us but we need the light of day now
I disappeared. Time to go in search of me.
I hope, with this awareness, you are able to focus on your own wellbeing, and surround yourself with people who appreciate you.
Sadly or not, it’s hard to say, he left with someone else once I had become so sick I was bed ridden so now there is no knowing me or discovering the world, just waiting to die and taking pain médecine. Life funny that way. People say you have a gift, a gift so incredible that it give you all kind of chronic disease, cancer even at barely 38 years old, a gift so magical that it irks people around you because they don’t like the fact that you can read their souls, makes it harder to lie to one self and and to other, so a gift that isolate you. Obviously I hope not everyone had the same experience as me, I know there aren’t two same empath in the world because some have learn to manage their emotion younger. Me I was always surrounded by narcissist. As if I was a magnet to them so I only learn how to please in advance. So never got the time to find our who I was and now I just want any kind god to allow me to sleep forever, so I’ll never know but I’m okay with that. Too much suffering to have time to wonder anyway…😅
Thanks for pointing out the difference between empathy and toxic positivity.
After 16 years , It’s so frustrating. I’ve noticed years ago and went numb with my narc spouse. I concentrate on the others in my life who need me and deserve my attention and care. I know who and what I’m dealing with and no longer waste my time. Doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting and absolutely destructive to the family. But we move on with our lives regardless.
Dr Ramani, thank you, lately you’ve really ramped up the directness, and I love it. I feel empaths need to hear bold no BS talk. Listening to you helps me enormously, no one really ever talks about toxic positivity , instead it’s mostly validated by the collective. I’m 70, and exhausted from the mandates of being a child in the 50’s, brought up in patriarchal fundamentalist family. I seem like a slow leaner but really, this is stunningly new to me. Trying not to be ashamed of this late learning, and being grateful.
72 getting divorced, sister and two of my daughters think I’m the horrible one. 25 years and the most horrible part, my two beautiful granddaughters, Ive made boundaries. Such a loss.
That's incredibly hard. Been there. Hugs. ❤
Also been there. 35 years. Scoops out your soul, losing your grands especially. Eventually the pain of the original relationship will eclipse the pain of losses you endure while getting free. It's not easy, make no mistake. Good luck, God speed, peace and serenity all to you on your journey. ❤
It's so tiring, every time you want the narc to conform to normal behaviour, they want something else for it first. And afterwards they can't stop talking up their absolutely minor effort they made.
I’m probably
I’m tired of ‘trying to find the good’ in people. If I have to try so hard that it’s stressful for me, I don’t want it in my life. People can have good in them but still have bad that is unhealthy and unsafe for me, and I have every right to take care of myself. Finally learnt that I have value and I matter too. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Being an empath we can see through a lot. Like watching a nark fake cry. I don’t feel it. Then a nark gets a bit mad. Like Dr Ramani said we feel genuine emotions. When I’ve been caught up in nark relationships I did a lot of second guessing myself. Now I’m like I ain’t feeling this- period!
What can I say except you understand, you put a positive spin on such tragedy, your advice is priceless and thank you for helping victims everywhere. ❤
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes bairepersons, I have a similar experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction, and mushrooms have significantly contributed to my recovery and being clean today.
I wish those were more easily accessible where I live.
Microdosing was my next step for my husband. He's 59 & dealing with lots of mental health challenges, possible CTE & a TBI that put him in a coma for 8 days. Unfortunately, I had to get a TPO since he's 6'6, over 300 pounds, and showing violent behavior, constantly talking about harming others. He's aggressive. To anyone reading this, if you're familiar with BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?
Is he on instagram?
bairepersons is the man
Have empathy, compassion and understanding towards self. Don't waste these on them. It's of no use.
As an Empath who extends lots of empathy, consideration, compassion, etc., it was easy to get mixed up with folks with narcissistic traits/behaviors.
Thankfully, I got out of those relationships while not being broken or brought down.
I am actually a more mature Empath in the sense of not compromising my levels of Empathy, Compassion, Consideration, etc., while having stronger boundaries now than ever before.
The narcissistic experience was definitely different life lessons.
My foundation is still strong as ever… or even stronger than before. ❤
When I tried to tell him how traumatized I was by being in the car with him during his road rage, he pointed out that he had recently bought me two apple fritters on his way home from work. "I had to stop at two stores to find them!" I said, "Traumatizing me by driving like a homicidal maniac vs. buying two apple fritters? Not the same." Their 'logic' is mind-boggling.
"they are feeding off you"
Empathy is not seeing the good in people, ie, toxic positivity - I never understood that ! Thank you - yet again, it's not me, I'm not the problem - amazing message to get. If I can truly believe that completely it would be life changing. With your help Dr Romani I'm moving towards it . Thank you.
Thank you for naming this. This is the Clarity I needed to hear, that so many of us need to hear and get very clear on.
I'm seeing so much selfishness and uncaring. I'm now pulling back from some friendships. I have a huge amount of empathy. I will not accept unkind behavior anymore
Thank you Dr Ramani ❤ we can have empathy, but, you are they don't have any for you/ others.
I've learnt to be discerning as to who receives and how.much they receive if my empathy. 🍒
Every video is like reading my most recent journal entries outloud 😮. Without strategy, my empathy becomes vulnerable to exploitation, manipulation, and weaponization in these relationships. Transforming a source of connective strength into invisible shackles.
You can see the “good” in them as long as they’re getting their way. All that “good” goes out the window once they turn vindictive and sadistic when they don’t get their way. If there’s absolutely no goodness or fairness shown when they don’t get their way, then we know the goodness was only a manipulative act. Their “good” isn’t genuine and therefore the true personality/character appears when they’re abusive.
Oof! Yes! Toxic Positivity … like gratitude journals … can be such a self-gaslight.
Pollyanna is worse than Cinderella
The good in narcissists is overshadowed by the bad
It's God's job to forgive them. It's my job to walk away from being their emotional punching bag. They have no desire to change.
Walk away if you can. "Grey rock" if you are stuck....
Without watching the video: When I saw the title, I went:, "Yep that's the origin of my burn out.". EDIT after watching the video. "This is awesome information. ".
Yes, and so I stay away from people like that. The negative energy from them drains me. I RADICALLY ACCEPTED that they'll never change. Once a narcisissit, always a narcisissit. I do feel sorry for them. I know the traumas they carry. I pray for them.
Narcissists and their enablers have sucked the life out of you by the time you realize what's happening. I couldn't even say when I lost myself, and I'm not even sure what contentment would look like
You can have empathy, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate abuse. Also, a gold coin in a landfill isn't enough good to deal with the garbage.
"One way empathy drain." Just seeing this title elucidated what I experienced in a recent six month relationship with someone who turned out to be a narcissist. I was kind, I tried to see things from his perspective, I gave him the benefit of the doubt (for months), and then when I needed understanding, a listening ear, validation...well, you guessed it. Nada. I was confused. Eventually, my feelings for him cooled and then became resentment and anger, as my self esteem plummeted and I began to doubt my own perceptions.. I ended it at about six months. Looking back, I identify with the one way empathy drain. I was empathetic to him for many months, but I can't remember even once when he expressed empathy to me. Thank you for your work, Dr. Ramani.
Empathy is NOT about seeing the good in the narcissist. Empathy is about seeing why a narcissist is the way they are. Empathy is not about excusing and putting up with the narcissist's constant bad behavior.
"Don't let the enablers shame you."
A narcissist visited this weekend and I’m soooooo physically and emotionally devastated. I am too old to do this anymore.
How can they be good if they purposely and deliberately want to hurt you?
Some times your emphathy makes you believe their story and you won't realize the truth for decades so it is best to hold off on your empathy once they hurt you and not to be blinded duty or because of some relationship to you. If someone is repeatedly taking your empathy for granted you should remove yourselves from that situation. It is easier said than done.
Sometimes I wish I had no empathy. I'm so tired of looking for the good. I can't function because I'm frozen in despair.
My childhood take away was discernment. My mother was an endless bottomless black hole of needs and obligations for me....just because she was entitled to that as my "mother".
By proxy, she raised one resilient daughter. I appreciate the lessons and have made other choices including people who treat me well.
I do not have contact with my mother. By choice. My life is 💯 better.
How did you manage the emotional beatdown from the rest of the family and extended family system for (allegedly) "abandoning" her?
And how when you're looking for a supportive community of others do you work around those others devaluing you because those new people also believe - however unconsciously - that "her own family doesn't even value her, so why should we?"
I wish no one experience a Covert narcissist. Either its their Image or a transaction snd always a condition of what will benefit them only.
The toxic positivity from my relationship felt like complete dismissal and denial of true concerns and issues that come up in daily life. Thank you for this video!
Thank you!❤That whas so helpful !!!❤ I think I was programmed twice for empathy, but I don't like at all toxic people, unfortunatly easier when they are not close to me... I was blamed for not not having empathy, cruel, mean, when started to set some boudneries. I still struggle, but better than it was. Therapy, antidepressant, waching videos help.❤
FOG is the strategy: fear obligation guilt that keeps us stuck & trapped by these cunning manipulators
This is so important to understand and for me absolutely crucial to developing a comprehensive individualised conclusion to retaining my sense of empathetic self . Thank you Doctor Ramani for just reminding me of something which I never lost but needed to remember.
When it’s Drained! Then what replaces it! My gosh! Let me tell you! The anger! My Dear God! The Anger! I hate myself! For such feelings! My thoughts! 😢😢😢
I feel like a part of empathy could be "what does this person need emotionally?" And for a narcissist, it's boundaries. So I give them boundaries.
I have been BURNED Too many times by predators who Knew What I wanted to hear , and Promised me what they Knew I wanted to hear, with that chatacteristic Grin on their face
I think being told to ‘look for the good’ can be a form of gaslighting or invalidating people’s bad experiences with someone. The enablers always say that rather than acknowledge the bad. Not doubting my empathy but allowing myself to see the bad too and walk away when I need to. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I wish i could get out of the relationship with my narcissistic brother. But unfortunately we live under the same roof and i cant move out because I'm very sick and waiting for an important operation.
Some of us,I guess,we need real,big time, *shocks* 💣 to realise how harmful these people are..Otherwise our minds get SO glued on them!
Thank you for explaining it to me❤. 2025 growing in knowledge and learning skills for my mental health. Power Psalms 1-150❤
This was AMAZING! It changed my entire outlook! Thank you Dr Ramani❤
I remember the awful feeling I had when it finally dawned on me just how unempathetic my psycho, narcissist ex girlfriend really was. That really opened my eyes.
So good.. this was such an important one for me.. the toxic positivity
“If you don’t have something nice to say about someone; don’t say anything at all” was a foundation in my family of origin. I was recently reminded to by an older sister whom I apparently offended by something I had said and was trying to resolve with her. An impossible task. We are in our 60’s & 70’s btw, and the resentment, hostility, and dysfunction persist to this day.
I agree. Empathy is a good thing. Empathy is not the “problem”. We need *boundaries*.
It’s beautiful to care about others and to see the good in them. But if those people are harming us, we may need to care about them and appreciate their good qualities from a safe distance.
If they experienced constant putdowns they'd understand
Thank you for this video. Someone in my life recently told me that I have no empathy for putting up boundaries and no longer tolerating his poor behavior. This is so helpful. He is turning things around on me to avoid his own accountability. He is upset with me for not accepting his toxic positivity. I am empathetic but still recognize poor behavior and that my boundaries need to be respected. 🤯
I will understand why folks do what they do, however ive started repeating that phrase from Brooklyn 99 to myself of late, which is, "cool motive, still murder".
The Narcissist in my life Kept train ' wrecking' my life, then switching up and pretending to 'alter' his behavior accordingly, he would throw on the cheshire cat grin charismatic charm, promise me what he Knew I wanted to hear, then switch up and deliberately Use my empathy against me as a Weapon. It was emotional manipulation and mindfuckery to the Extreme ! People looking in from the Outside Kept falling for his Charm, and started hard core critisizing Me when I stopped falling for his BS. It was BIZZARRE !
Thank you for standing for all people who are being hurt; Im sorry you, as a Truth-teller, are getting flack.
I feel really stupid. I moved out of an emotionally abusive relationship after 9 years. We have a 2 year old together. I felt so stuck, took me a long time to leave. When I moved out I thought it was for good but we have been seeing each other since I moved out.
I thought things would change but they feel like they are going back to the same way again. I don't feel happy, I haven't moved back in but I still feel stuck even though I feel stupid for not walking away again....I feel the best thing for my mental health would be to leave.
Correct, listen to your body.
To be able to move forward, DONT look back.
Both you and your daughter deserve so much more
7:40 « they missed that day of programming like the rest of us ». This sums up perfectly what it is to be in a relationship with a narcissist…😮
Thank you for opening up my eyes. She’s always blaming me, always.
All the good cannot make up for the constant belittling and verbal abuse in one's lifetime, and the long- term mental and physical effects on one's life.
I’ve been feeling suicidal again due to narcs and the abuse cycle. Because they’re family, I’ve made allowances and so on but no more. I can’t do it anymore, I’m at the stage where no more. No thank you. Self preservation is more important now. Be safe and look after yourselves.
If I could like that twice I would... thank you.
Thank you so much for the clarification. I struggled with this for many years.
❤ Thank you for putting all the work in to these videos.
Finding the good in a narcissist is like looking for one dry thing in a flood.
A man can say things concerning his woman, as long as he’s careful of what people say. This idea of just going into a therapist, or anyone, and just blindly spilling the beans. Was something my Mom and Grandpa were always afraid of. A job, making money, for example. “I think when you’re hired, you go in there and ‘blow off’. That’s how you lose it”. My therapist “made himself comfortable”. That’s all he ever said.
Empathetic is not being altruistic but is understanding and knowing how someone feels. Empathy feels but doesn't think about boundaries until it's too late.
The lady speaks the truth
The difference is, “The good” in a narcissistic is ALWAYS - “the good in them” which serves and feeds themself!
With the exception of the one severely malignant narcissist who stalked me, I found good, sometimes a lot of good, in every narcissist I’ve known. I still miss the fun I had with them, the good times. But there was such a price I had to pay! Too high a price. WAY too high a price.
Thank you 😊 ❤️
My empathy for my main narc made me treat him like a human being, even though he treated me as less than an animal. So he repeatedly broke the law against me but I made sure he had everything he needed in old age. No one else around him was prepared to do that but I won't allow anyone in my circle to fall below a certain level. It was, however, duty not love that drove my empathy in his case.
Duty or fear
@ArtistNorth Good question. Fear when I was a kid, duty when I grew up---with a gap in my twenties of no contact.
@@Figureitout933 sometimes duty comes from fear
@@ArtistNorth as I said, not in my case, once I'd grown up.
Thankyou Dr R I’m not knowing the spelling of your name You are genius on the word empathy this clarification is needed and changes for good everything I’ve learned from you I loved the utube videos you give I’ve listened to them going on five years now Thankyou Love to you
Thank You ❤
I was only abused 80-90% of the time, the rest was ok to good.
Wow that’s really what it feels like.
This video reminded me that I was trying to understand where the ex was coming from when he told me something really off. I asked him what he means. Then I did have alarm bells going off after listening to what he said and just was silent trying to process it. I have played through a different scenario in my mind of how I wish I had handled that. There was more that doesn't look good about it and hopefully the timing was a coincidence but it doesn't look good all together. Before, my mind wasn't accepting of it... I did sense something may be more off about it. It must've been blocked... the betrayal blindness. Well after not being with him anymore when I remembered it again... I thought about the whole thing together and felt shocked. Hard to process.
Dr. Ramani, Have you done/would you do a video about why people enable--not just in ignorance or in 1 awkward situation, but for years?
Codependency
Forgiveness is also not pretending people are good just like empathy isnt
I needed this ty