For me, I don’t like being around people or being perceived because from experience I can’t live up to what they expect from me. I very much for the “you don’t look autistic” category. I’m 6’1 athletic, intelligent and conventionally attractive. However I struggle greatly with social communication and sensory processing. I’m also selectively mute. But people regard these traits of aloof and narcissistic rather than autism. Additionally, my experience with other people has been historically negative because I constantly miss subtle meanings and get taken advantage of. Over all now at the age of 33 I have an extreme distrust in people so I stay away as much as possible.
heather this speaks so clearly to me. i have fantasized about moving to a small hut in the woods with simple needs being met...away from my loved ones although wanting to hear them laughing and having fun....yet NOT being there? this inner conflict of my body/mind not wanting the pressure of being around any humans AND my so wanting to belong with my family... caused me so much anguish and depression. i'm so happily surprised you're speaking about this and that there is HOPE! the pressure can come OFF? i'm learning so much from you. thank you!
The pressure can come off, but it’s not a quick fix. There’s a lot of history and hurt that needs to be healed, but it can’t be. Wishing you luck on your journey!
These are such good explanations, and it gives me so much hope! It's astonishing to hear you talk about the difference in you - I relate so much to how you've described being perceived inside the old model, so it gives me hope to hear how you're *excited* about meeting new people in your practice, with a healed model. Like.. wow!! Thank you.
I feel _very_ self conscious when there's a lot of people around. I'm always worried that people will see what I'm really like and will be disapproving, because why wouldn't they be, I am. I feel like I need to bullshit people into thinking that I'm alright and that I have my life together... That I'm 'normal'.
Interesting to think about. I've always said that I feel aware of my abilities and who I am in a vacuum, i.e., when I think about myself, but when I'm around others, then it turns into me feeling as though I wasn't good enough, or as if it was a competition. I believe this isn't exactly what you're explaining, but I think it could have similar roots to what you mentioned: always being excluded, trying to fit in by being more like others, but saying the wrong things even though I had no idea why they were wrong, never being given an opportunity to explain myself, etc.
OMG! I feel the pressure from someone looking at me, literal pressure of some kind. I always know if someone is around or looking out the window, every time. It's like my nervous system is extended beyond myself.
I have that too. Does not everybody have that? What I experience is, that people try to force me to look at them by starring at me prolonged, but I don't look back if I don't feel like it and than they are at a loss since most people need eye contact before they initialize verbally. I don't understand why they they not just speak to me, but it is two sorts of communications I suppose.
I was never ridiculed in any way. I was maybe a bit neglected. Left to myself and so didn’t develop a lot of social skills, but never made to feel bad about it at home or even particularly at school. I always thought my desire to live as a hermit in the woods was just because of my extreme introversion until I heard the fear of being perceived described. I’ve always wanted an invisibility cloak since Harry Potter came out.
I've felt stressed and uncomfortable being persieved for as long as I can remember, your theory makes a lot of sense, thank you for putting words to it
Oooh "heres what it feels like for things to go okay" badly needed this rn I dont quite understand "bringing theory closer to real life" explain pls thx
If I interpreted correctly, “bringing theory closer to real life” means instead of struggling with striving toward your theorized ideal self, you should move toward idealizing your current, more realistic self. It’s not to say you shouldn’t strive toward bettering yourself, but rather to not beat yourself up mentally by constantly moving the goal post you set for yourself.
🎶🎶Don't look back in anger...let go. But there are people who just do not understand. Take a break. Let them come to you with all their love or let them go🎶🎶🎶🎶
In school i was the weird silent kid who was reading in recess and rarely talked to anyone. I was serverly bullied so i thought when i hide my emotions i would take the fun away and became basically a rock. But sometimes i made an effort to connect with people an would talk about random facts to history literature or biologie. But when i did this most classmates and teachers assumed i was just arrogant and flex my knowledge. So i hate beeing perceived i any way. I feel Most comfortably when the people around me complete ignore me
I have this but hate being perceived negatively the most. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I think maybe I rely my self worth too much on others? I think it also has to do with rejection sensitivity a lot of autistics have. If someone perceives me in a positive light e.g. complimenting my character and physical attributes, I’m usually thrilled by that. I find myself the complete opposite when it’s anything negative or not positive. :/
[Tone of genuine, compassionate curiosity]: Why do you think there's something wrong with you for not wanting other people to perceive you negatively? That seems entirely reasonable to me. We rely upon others to survive in lots of ways, so having their positive impression of us is a benefit, and that's wired into us. The need for it can get so intense it is crippling, and that's where working through painful thoughts and anxiety and such is useful. But at the core of it, there's nothing wrong with you.
Thx. Partially yes, we have been told as kids to behave. I kinda doubt to explain it all though. I have horrible OCD around perception. How can I understand bringing the mental model closer to reality. Does this mean accepting my autistic traits - like for example not doing eye contact?, I tried it recently to not force myself into eye contact.
Amazing content as usual. This is a great perspective, I agree with you. I wish everyone reading it a neuro-wonderful (I love it when you say it 🥹) day as well. ❤
For me, I don’t like being around people or being perceived because from experience I can’t live up to what they expect from me. I very much for the “you don’t look autistic” category. I’m 6’1 athletic, intelligent and conventionally attractive. However I struggle greatly with social communication and sensory processing. I’m also selectively mute. But people regard these traits of aloof and narcissistic rather than autism. Additionally, my experience with other people has been historically negative because I constantly miss subtle meanings and get taken advantage of. Over all now at the age of 33 I have an extreme distrust in people so I stay away as much as possible.
Stereotypes can be so harmful to some of us.
I understand. Hugs.
I can relate to this as if I wrote it myself. I'm sorry.
heather this speaks so clearly to me. i have fantasized about moving to a small hut in the woods with simple needs being met...away from my loved ones although wanting to hear them laughing and having fun....yet NOT being there? this inner conflict of my body/mind not wanting the pressure of being around any humans AND my so wanting to belong with my family... caused me so much anguish and depression. i'm so happily surprised you're speaking about this and that there is HOPE! the pressure can come OFF? i'm learning so much from you. thank you!
The pressure can come off, but it’s not a quick fix. There’s a lot of history and hurt that needs to be healed, but it can’t be. Wishing you luck on your journey!
These are such good explanations, and it gives me so much hope! It's astonishing to hear you talk about the difference in you - I relate so much to how you've described being perceived inside the old model, so it gives me hope to hear how you're *excited* about meeting new people in your practice, with a healed model. Like.. wow!! Thank you.
Glad it was helpful! It takes work, but it is possible for this to feel better. :)
I feel _very_ self conscious when there's a lot of people around. I'm always worried that people will see what I'm really like and will be disapproving, because why wouldn't they be, I am. I feel like I need to bullshit people into thinking that I'm alright and that I have my life together... That I'm 'normal'.
This is the lie that society brainwashes us into.
this tracks hard. thank you x
My pleasure.
Interesting to think about. I've always said that I feel aware of my abilities and who I am in a vacuum, i.e., when I think about myself, but when I'm around others, then it turns into me feeling as though I wasn't good enough, or as if it was a competition. I believe this isn't exactly what you're explaining, but I think it could have similar roots to what you mentioned: always being excluded, trying to fit in by being more like others, but saying the wrong things even though I had no idea why they were wrong, never being given an opportunity to explain myself, etc.
I'm glad this sparked some further reflection! Yes, there may be similar roots.
OMG! I feel the pressure from someone looking at me, literal pressure of some kind. I always know if someone is around or looking out the window, every time. It's like my nervous system is extended beyond myself.
Yep, I feel that.
I have that too. Does not everybody have that? What I experience is, that people try to force me to look at them by starring at me prolonged, but I don't look back if I don't feel like it and than they are at a loss since most people need eye contact before they initialize verbally. I don't understand why they they not just speak to me, but it is two sorts of communications I suppose.
I'm in your camp. I feel my best when no one is perceiving me
I lived in a major east coast metro for ten years, including almost all my 20s. It felt great to not be especially noticed.
It's strange to me how it's easier to be anonymous with so many people.
Being in NYC is so easy for neurodivergent people because no one cares about you and you’re free to be yourself. 😅
I was never ridiculed in any way. I was maybe a bit neglected. Left to myself and so didn’t develop a lot of social skills, but never made to feel bad about it at home or even particularly at school. I always thought my desire to live as a hermit in the woods was just because of my extreme introversion until I heard the fear of being perceived described. I’ve always wanted an invisibility cloak since Harry Potter came out.
I've felt stressed and uncomfortable being persieved for as long as I can remember, your theory makes a lot of sense, thank you for putting words to it
You’re welcome for the insight, but I’m sorry for the original experiences.
Lovely video! Just gotta add, the way you speak, your cadence and presentation and everything, is just beautiful.
Awww, thank you!
I resonate with your explanations so much :) So thanks for being perceived for us today
😁 i’ve been slowly getting used to it. ;-)
wow i didn't expect to cry listening to this
Sending warm wishes.
Oooh "heres what it feels like for things to go okay" badly needed this rn
I dont quite understand "bringing theory closer to real life" explain pls thx
If I interpreted correctly, “bringing theory closer to real life” means instead of struggling with striving toward your theorized ideal self, you should move toward idealizing your current, more realistic self.
It’s not to say you shouldn’t strive toward bettering yourself, but rather to not beat yourself up mentally by constantly moving the goal post you set for yourself.
🎶🎶Don't look back in anger...let go. But there are people who just do not understand. Take a break. Let them come to you with all their love or let them go🎶🎶🎶🎶
:)
In school i was the weird silent kid who was reading in recess and rarely talked to anyone. I was serverly bullied so i thought when i hide my emotions i would take the fun away and became basically a rock. But sometimes i made an effort to connect with people an would talk about random facts to history literature or biologie. But when i did this most classmates and teachers assumed i was just arrogant and flex my knowledge. So i hate beeing perceived i any way. I feel Most comfortably when the people around me complete ignore me
It sounds like the problem was more their reactions to you, than what you set up did.
I have this but hate being perceived negatively the most. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I think maybe I rely my self worth too much on others? I think it also has to do with rejection sensitivity a lot of autistics have. If someone perceives me in a positive light e.g. complimenting my character and physical attributes, I’m usually thrilled by that. I find myself the complete opposite when it’s anything negative or not positive. :/
[Tone of genuine, compassionate curiosity]: Why do you think there's something wrong with you for not wanting other people to perceive you negatively? That seems entirely reasonable to me. We rely upon others to survive in lots of ways, so having their positive impression of us is a benefit, and that's wired into us.
The need for it can get so intense it is crippling, and that's where working through painful thoughts and anxiety and such is useful. But at the core of it, there's nothing wrong with you.
Thx. Partially yes, we have been told as kids to behave. I kinda doubt to explain it all though. I have horrible OCD around perception. How can I understand bringing the mental model closer to reality. Does this mean accepting my autistic traits - like for example not doing eye contact?, I tried it recently to not force myself into eye contact.
Perhaps OCD etc. were ways your brain found to cope?
I think radical self-acceptance is a big part of the answer.
Thank you
You're welcome
Amazing content as usual. This is a great perspective, I agree with you. I wish everyone reading it a neuro-wonderful (I love it when you say it 🥹) day as well. ❤
:)