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My sister is rude often. Its obvious she was not masking.. And what she says is truthful. Especially when I respond off topic. ADHD so that's what I do. But we are starting to learn WHY we are like this. I am the youngest of 4 siblings, aged 52 to 66.

Thank you for the reminder 🩵

Anymore?

❤

I love the part you said "You dont mask yourself. You put less energy in it." This is what I also want.❤ It's takes alot energy to masking myself for people please others. So I love what you are cheering 🌞🌸

I haven't been diagnosed and have just considered I _might_ be thus I don't see myself through a "masking/unmasked" lens but it isn't as if I'm deliberately masking any eccentricities for anyone.

Recently I attended a class where the instructor apologized for having to go through a rather boring background presentation at the beginning. When she was done she said something along the lines of "whew the lecture part of this is over, now we can get hands on" and I said "good". A couple classmates looked at me horrified, but I got the vibe the instructor was also on the spectrum and was acutely aware of how boring - yet necessary - the intro to the class was.

I just wish everyone would put in energy to have effective communication. Despite my best efforts and being proactive and patient, I still get rejected over and over when I'm just being nice, calm, and myself.

This is so helpful 😢 I suspect I am on spectrum. I have add innatentive but I'm still struggling with relationships. This makes alot of sense to me and way not be completely exhausted without comprising true self

I love this concept. Subscribed

I've found it very helpful to word statements like, "I'm concerned that [thing I feel strongly, can't believe people wouldn't agree with]". And also, "[thing] seems better to me, at least for how my brain works". Often then the other person describes how the idea-at-hand might work for them or other people/brains, and it expands my awareness.

I was abused alot from a small child onwards. It made me not hurt by insults and truths about myself. I treat people how i expect to be treated with honesty and loyalty. But when I'm honest, even about something that wouldn't hurt me or upset me like if i needed a shower or a haircut or new clothes or had a pimple. I take this all as constructive criticisms to help me fix things. I love fixing things. Everyone else gets offended. It makes society in general feel soft and honestly I'm tired of having to cater to a bunch of people who have had life sugarcoated for them. I spend most of my time in conversations, arguing i wasn't trying to be offensive. I'm over it. Dogs are easier to get along with and more loyal than humans.

Well, I might need to think about the parts that were my fault, the next time I talk to my adult stepchildren.

If you can't be unmasked in front of friends, then they are not friends!! We are not built to mask, the perception of autism is wrong as well as adhd. Masking blocks the natural flow of our central nervous system. You may think it's fine, but it really is not. You have to understand that the central nervous system will regulate in other ways that are negative releases such as bad anxieties, panic attacks, and depression!! The more i am free, the better my mental wellness as well as physical well-being. Think about why the life expectancy is not very positive for old age and i believe there to be a direct correlation with masking and poor overall health. There are too many misconceptions about autism and why it exists, and the same holds true for adhd. We are doing it to ourselves because of public misconceptions and descriptor words that don't fit and have us second-guessing our motives and our thoughts intent. I'm have autism/adhd and have a very unique perspective on my own thoughts, and there are 2 separate thought processes that can compare perspectives just by listening to a podcast from a neuroscientists neurotypical point of view. My thoughts in and of themselves are multifaceted and have an innate ability of self perception. My hyperfixation is learning about autism and how it all feels to me. I have been gathering different perspectives for months. Just some random thoughts but i have to add when i presented my thoughts to my sister and how it feels and she realized that she is on the spectrum and the reason her son like me has Audhd as well as a nonverbal grandson. We are being presented with things based on neurotypical thoughts and yes i realize they collect data for their assessments but what if the interpretation is being skewed with thoughts of uncertainty based on the wrong information. As simple as it is, society is doing us a great disservice for self-help on our thoughts if the information is not entirely true. Self-induced conundrums cause internal confusion, and it misleads us. Just some passing thoughts on this!!👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️©️

What you are describing fits what i'm doing and also helps me with a Quandary i've had. I have always perceived myself as very low masking, i find it near impossible to be anything but myself. yet i do find myself adapting to and caring a lot about other people's needs. That's hard, but not as hard as masking seems to be, and it is largely in alignment with who i am. Recently i've been wondering if this constitutes masking, and if i've been fundamentally wrong about myself. after your video i'm pretty sure it isnt masking, its jaust me caring

My dad: "Deal with it, that's life" Not the best advice.

My father is autistic. He refuses to admit it, or even consider speaking to a professional to get an opinion, because that would be admitting to the mere possibility. He has no notion of masking, because he has no notion that he has a problem. His behavior is at times so incredibly insufferable that it is impossible for others to coexist with him. It now has reached a point where it is impossible for us to even help him with everyday things in life, because he requires help in a very specific way that makes no practical sense, and he bursts out in an uncontrollable, violent fit of rage if he does not get help in his specific way. I really envy autistic people who have an awareness of their condition.

I think for most people- I don’t know what might trigger them so I have to tip toe around them a lot and mask, for fear of hurting them or saying something wrong. Even for my parents and family I still have a sense that I don’t know them well enough to know exactly .

My problem is I work with practical strangers who visit my home everyday but who I know nothing about so I don’t know what they can tolerate.

Yess , it happens to me all the time. People run away fom me. They pull away.

Is it just me, or does it start to seem like the neurodivergent people are often the ones who are socially considerate, willing to adapt to the expectations of others, and the most kind, and neurotypical behavior is the real problem? Literally we bend over backwards to be acceptable for the neurotypical people in our lives are never satisfied nor do they even think to extend the same courtesy.

I am not sure if I understand your point well, but at least part of it made me reflect on how much energy I spend on talking to people, and that in fact I often opt for being upbeat and funny when maybe it's just a mask. I actually made a few friends uncomfortable when I was in burnout and couldn't be my usual 'cheerful self', and then the covid hit, and then I completely lost touch with these people; and I still wonder how much of it was me unmasked that one time and how much of it was just covid.

Yup. And also learning to smile (putting on a smiling mask) because I somehow had been conditioned into believing that smiling made everyone around me somehow ‘accept’ me more or better. People commenting on my big smile. It became such an automatic response and I did it more and more even when I was crumbling inside. Now I’m less bothered about having to keep up a pretense, but still challenging to then deal with the ‘why the miserable face’ questions. All a learning curve.

A difference between masking and sensitivity is like the difference between walking on eggshells and gently holding the egg.

I call it people please and thorying

Tell the person you care about that you care , even if you have a set reminder to do it

I think masking and unmasking in the context of a job is, depending on the corporate culture, a whole different type and level of challenge... maybe worth a separate video?

What I think I hear you saying, is that if I spend less time trying not to be myself, I have more energy to focus on a few NT relationships.

Been having this problem a lot lately. Thank you for talking about it

Why don't you tell the Narcissist to mask up?

Thinking in a different way from the Narcissist, does not mean you have a disability.

You people are so gaslit by your local Narcissist.

Balance of respect for the other as well as ourselves. To honor what you know about the other person , while still being truthful and authentic to oneself. I find that I am less exhausted masking when I am more overtly honest (and kind!) with people and inviting the same honesty & kindness. Completely agree that the upfront energy is more worth it than dealing with emotional recoil to carelessness.

Thank you for video and I realized that not so many people in my life took in consideration my being okay in conversation ._. that so fkng sad

This is super helpful. It feels a grey solution - not black or white (all masked or all blunt). Thanks for taking time to explain your thoughts.

You make perfect sense to me. I have recently learnt to unmask and it's a weight of my shoulders and makes it easier to talk to people. Showing interest in others was always somehow work, now it's much easier.

I feel like people don't talk enough about grounding when they talk about unmasking

If the person gets hurt by what you say and how you say it then you hurt them with your words. It's not rocket science. I prefer the term camouflage. Camouflage is relative to environment and environment is context. Context is usually important.

This was a very good explanation of the complications that many of us run into when we drop our masks. I undersand what you are saying and appreciate it. I am currently in burn out and unable to mask as well as I have previously. Most people that I know are concerned about my change in disposition and even if I am not doing or saying something offensive. Sometimes, my tone and facial expressions are confusing to others and lead to misunderstandings. I am working to help people understand that it has nothing to do with them, but I dont have the energy right now to be social. I'll give them what I can, but it takes alot out of me. People close to me tend to undetstand, but its much harder to explain in workplace relationships and other casual acquaintances. Thanks for sharing you expereinces and creating a space for this kind of dialogue 😊

I relate a lot to what you are saying. How can I know whether I have autism and/or whether I'm just neurodivergent infj (the latter I already confirmed)? There is so much confusing information out there.

It’s tough at times. I find that listening to people and asking them questions is better than actively talking. This way we tell the other person we’re interested and engaged, and it takes less masking if we’re less physically engaged. It also helps if one treats socializing and people in general as an informal research topic, and let this become the intense interest. This may actually make us want to engage more for the purpose of research.

invariably if i get an honest answer about what someone's problem with me is, they name an autistim symptom.

My understanding of what you are saying is that we don't have to be "all or nothing". I appreciate your insight!

This is great advice. And I think I’ve been doing that lately without knowing it. Trying to understand that something might be traumatic to someone and I can sometimes steer clear of things. So yes it makes sense to me. (What you are saying)

Yes, this makes total sense! I started unmasking before I even went down the neurodivergence rabbit hole (getting diagnosed with an autoimmune disease + the whole pandemic culture shift made it easy for me to say “oh I’m just a tired introvert now lol”), and I’ve noticed that even though I’ve had to reassure people that I’m in a good mood even when my face is blank, ultimately my interactions have all been really genuine when I am sensitive to the other person but don’t necessarily put on a whole new personality for them. Before I’d run into these weird situations where someone was actually hurt later when they found out that I didn’t like the things they liked as much as them, etc - I’d just gone along with whatever seemed to make them the happiest. (I still like to mirror people in a way that makes them excited sometimes when I have the energy, but I feel like I’m more up front about it like “this isn’t really my thing but I’m excited you’re excited” or whatever.)

How am I supposed to know what the world wants to see? The point about social difficulties is that I'm not a mindreader.

From the title, before I press play, I like to say... usually whenever the 'other' is a non autistic, others are upset by something about me. The more I am me, the more upset others are. In contrast... The less I mask, the more I get along with my soulmate. I unmask, because he is the most important person in the world to me.

Thank you this was spot on and really good to hear out loud! All of it made perfect sense. Being ourselves and kind to others is a balance worth finding. Showing up without the goal of being perfect. Communicating my attempts sometimes also helps both me and yhe other I have found. Transparency when possible.

I’m a very high masking late diagnosis female who recently reduced my masking. So far, not masking hasn’t been worth the trouble it creates for me socially. My marriage has improved, though. So that’s something.

I really appreciate this topic. I only verified I am autistic this year and I am 65. I didn’t know I was masking all those years; using self deprecating humor to supposedly make people like me; annoying people and not knowing why. When I found out I was ASD, I suddenly became very quiet and unengaged with my co-workers; which of course made them uncomfortable in a whole different way. I didn’t really know who or how to be myself- I was just having a reaction to my past behavior of trying to be funny or telling long stories just to feel I was participating in social activities. I also know I had absolutely no sense of etiquette, so I couldn’t get how people thought I was rude! I was just trying to engage! Then the opposite behavior of being strangely unresponsive. Now I think I have to get a sense of etiquette and observe people; as opposed to just shutting down … this takes time ! There is an evolution going on. I don’t resent that the ball seems to be in my court - instead I feel lucky to have this opportunity and gift, to gain a new perspective and understanding …