Yeah, this is very affirming because I feel like I am just now entering this phase of recovery/transformation. You mentioned how we might not know the answer to "what's wrong with THEM," but I find, at least in terms of my own experience and preferences, I always know *what*. It might take some time with unpacking the discomfort and naming the exact emotions, but I can almost always manage to verbalize the thing that is happening that I don't like or that is hurtful. What I don't know is the why - why are they like that?, or why is it that this thing that keeps happening doesn't bother them the way it bothers me? - and the thing seems to be giving up trying to find a why, and literally just prioritizing my own safety and comfort. Finally! I'm also starting to give up on explaining myself. Mostly because I'm just too tired. I'm not only finding that I have more energy the less time I spend explaining myself or trying to come up with excuses, but also not explaining myself to others is deeply reassuring to my self. I trust myself more because I have my own back.... Anyhoo, thanks for the space to process this in writing...! 😁
Yes, that why that you describe is what I was meaning by the what. It’s the original cause that led them to whatever reaction that they are having now. For most people you’re never going to know that. So glad that you are spending less energy explaining and finding your way forward.
I spent decades wondering what was wrong with me. I finally decided that if people don’t like me for who and how I am, screw ‘em. That’s their problem, not mine. I’m not going to chase anyone around or beg to get their approval and acceptance.
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Indeed I had a hard time learning to ask this question and learn to identify actual me problems and potential them problems.
Glad you are learning that! It’s an ever continuing process, I find.
Such a simple, yet such an impactful question!
Yeah, this is very affirming because I feel like I am just now entering this phase of recovery/transformation. You mentioned how we might not know the answer to "what's wrong with THEM," but I find, at least in terms of my own experience and preferences, I always know *what*. It might take some time with unpacking the discomfort and naming the exact emotions, but I can almost always manage to verbalize the thing that is happening that I don't like or that is hurtful. What I don't know is the why - why are they like that?, or why is it that this thing that keeps happening doesn't bother them the way it bothers me? - and the thing seems to be giving up trying to find a why, and literally just prioritizing my own safety and comfort. Finally! I'm also starting to give up on explaining myself. Mostly because I'm just too tired. I'm not only finding that I have more energy the less time I spend explaining myself or trying to come up with excuses, but also not explaining myself to others is deeply reassuring to my self. I trust myself more because I have my own back.... Anyhoo, thanks for the space to process this in writing...! 😁
Yes, that why that you describe is what I was meaning by the what. It’s the original cause that led them to whatever reaction that they are having now. For most people you’re never going to know that.
So glad that you are spending less energy explaining and finding your way forward.
I spent decades wondering what was wrong with me. I finally decided that if people don’t like me for who and how I am, screw ‘em. That’s their problem, not mine. I’m not going to chase anyone around or beg to get their approval and acceptance.
The flip side is that, when they do like you, you know it's really genuine, and that feels amazing.