As a recovering sex addict myself, it’s good to be reminded of the severity of my actions. I’ve spent 20 years excusing my behaviors and I appreciate all that was said here. On behalf of all the addicts, I’m sorry for the hurt we cause. We often don’t mean to, it’s part of who we’ve been. Change can happen, don’t give up hope!
This is the best most accurate information I have read concerning sex addiction. As a sex addict I appreciate your insight into the matter on both ends- the victim and the addict. The responsibility is on us to take ownership of our actions and change. It's not uncontrollable it's just extremely uncomfortable when in the middle of an episode. The fight can be won by those who keep fighting and learning about the condition. Thank you Dr. Weiss.
Just found out what was really happening in my relationship. Death by a thousand cuts. I love him, but love myself more. I left. He's on his own to fix himself. It's not my job to be his case manager.
I have known a while and tried to gently open up the discussion multiple times but he lies!! He will absolutely not admit it. How can I get him comfortable enough to just be honest and admit it! Married 14 yrs!
Thank you so much for this video. I am the spouse of a sex addict that has only recently become aware of all the things that were done behind my back during our engagement. We were married in Sept. 2018 (without me knowing about all of his anonymous infidelity), and he finally broke down and revealed everything to me in Nov. 2018. He has been sober and in recovery since 11/25/18, and I have chosen to stay with him. But it's HARD.... SO HARD to cope with the emotions, resentment, betrayal, etc. This video has helped me in my process. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
@@benz981 I am asking you because my husband (now ex) lost me and daughter because he is a Porn Addict. I gave him the last chance of his life to get sober, he promised he would never watch porn again because he didn't want to lose us, and guess what? 3 days later I caught porn on his cellphone. Result? I kicked him out of the house and I filed for Divorce. I divorced him 11 months ago. They are liars, they always find a way to hide it from you and once trust is broken...its broken..there is no way to repair.
@@walkyria1 I understand... and I am very sorry that happened to you. You have every right to be incredibly angry, and you did what was right for you and your daughter. Every addict's situation and journey is unique, depending on where they are with their acceptance of their powerlessness, and their own recovery process. Some sex addicts enter recovery, work their program rigorously, and are sober for years/decades.... I know them personally. But some addicts respond to recovery differently, and still hang on to those falsehoods that plague their mind... "I can do this if I really try myself." "If only 'x' would happen, then I'll be able to beat this thing." Etc. None of what you've said or how you feel is invalid... none of it. If you want to talk more, or want some support, please email me, I will be more than happy to talk to you: BL3V at Virginia dot edu Best Wishes
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@@ronaliernsberger9934It's hard to say whether "love" was involved. Limerence for sure, but love? He may have been more concerned with how the affair made him feel. By the way, this video is about sex addicts, which is a completely different matter than “just” cheating. I personally found the “Affair Recovery” channel very helpful. My husband unfortunately falls into both categories, sex and porn addiction and emotional affair. All the best, take good care of yourself!
Wow.. I feel like I really needed to hear this. My partner blamed me for not wanting to have threesomes and I have nothing against threesomes, it’s just not for me. But i was starting to feel pressured… Also he’d rather watch porn 3 times a day than want to be with me :/ I’ve been beating myself up, but this has really helped pick me back up.
Whiskey, porn, intimacy issues. This has been my 30 year marriage. They don't change. Leave them before your self esteem is gone. They will try for awhile but will always go back!!
Agree! Sadly. 14 years together, 12 years married... I am finally waking up to reality...Am done with this rollercoaster ride! I can't do it anymore. I am working at leaving the circus. It is going to take some time, however, as I have two small children, and no income...thinking about being on my own with my girls is both liberating and terrifying. One step at a time. But accepting reality has been my first step...Allowed myself to be deceived into thinking he was working on it, going to change all these years. As I reflect though, it's just the same cycle on repeat. He's saying now how he's going to get help again...heard that a few times. I asked for an STD test a few weeks ago, and he flat out refused. Told him, I feel plainly, the other day, our marriage is on the rocks, and I am DONE. "Interestingly," he was unmoved. Said no more than 20 words in response...no emotion. Really no response at all. After I poured my heart out and pain out about the most recent betrayal....that is pretty typical though, he just says he's "listening" w"hat do you want me to say"? Yah, um, nothing. You've said all I need to hear. And you just do not care.
@@sarahzook5077 OMG! You just described my 16 yr marriage. Unbelievable. He has same responses..or none responses. Plenty of silent treatments. Rrrrrrrr, makes you feel like a mad crazy person. SICKNESS😢😢😢😢
i could be at work fully engaged and i would feel a pain in my stomach. Everytime over 22 years it was exactly what i thought . He is right about trust your gut. she never had to tell me i always knew
this is an add on: he put my health in danger. Our family in danger because they knew where we live. I didn't know about them but they knew about me. We lost our relationship with our daughter. And that breaks my heart. We are staying together. I still love him. I don't love this addiction. I hate it. I hate he had a double life. I hate he never told me about his cheating in his first marriage. I know this can happen again because its an addiction. And it is very hard work.
Thank you for this. My heart is bursting (breaking?) as I listen and identify with everything you have said. For so long have felt like I am the problem in my marriage. After 14 years together, 12 married, I just feel done. I have tried everything over the years, and I just don't believe he wants to change. I don't feel I can ray with him anymore. I am leaning into my online support group and getting some clarity so that I can heal and work my way out of my relationship with him. It is going to take some time, and I am at a place where it's not about being vindictive, I just don't have the emotional strength to do the work for both of us that way. I would rather be alone than retraumatized every 6 months to a year. Cannot take the kids and deception and feeling alone. I appreciate your resource list. Am going to look for a counsellor/psychologist who can hopefully help me in my area of the world! So many of these professionals are American, and I would love to find a Canadian help! Until then, thank you again for the free information. It eases a bit of the burden knowing someone understands and is working to help "victims" and vulnerable partners of sexual addiction.
So sorry you have had such a hard time. Have you found help from Canadian resources? You may want to check out Doing Family Right. They do virtual meetings if you are not local. All the best to you.
I cant even explain how much I have learned from seeking integrity, Tami and dr rob weiss. Insanely amazing. In the past month I have learned more from them than in the past year ! So amazing you guys !!!!
I can't find the words to express my gratitude for this video 🙏🙏 I have been searching desperately for help and understanding for the last few months as a partner of an addict. I've done lots of research, as you do lol, but I wanted real life experience from both points of view, and here you are telling me all the things I'm going through and all the things the man I love soo much has gone through....enough said... perfect...thank you soo much 🙏🙏💕💕
This is so difficult for me to listen to if I am being completely honest. My ex sent me this video as he has started taking programmes here in nz. We were together for 12yrs. Constant cheating, constant hurt and pain. We were planning on getting married. I'm over the pain, I'm sick of the "who is he talking to now" it's hard! And it HURTS so much!!! I will continue to listen and watch this video. But I guess I am still very angry at him and very hurt. (He cheated again for a whole month and I found out last week) so this is still very fresh for me to listen to.
my sex addict husband left me for meeting a lot of women for sex. He can not perform kinky and twisted and perverted sex acts on me. But he can with whores out there. At least i dont have std
It's an addiction absolutely, Im personally not a sex addict, I'm in recovery in A A . I'm also am addicted to food, my food goes up & down. My recovery in A.A. is solid. HaleluYah 💯💜. Sex addiction effects just about everyone. Your information is fantastic for every type of addict. Thank you 💯💜
Infidelity is a deal breaker on many levels. 'Sex addiction' is a nice word for repetitive cheating. Tell everyone about the sex addict, they have made an evil, selfish choice...why help them hide evil? These nasty people spread STD's that ruin lives, and even END lives. The emotiomal.and psychological damage they inflict on those they are supposed to love can often never be 'healed.' Stop sugar coating this behavior. That just encourages and promotes it for these actual victimizers...abusers. one infidelity is one too many. Period.
I don’t think he is excusing it, but rather explaining it and the first step to an individual getting help is by feeling like they have a place where they can talk about what’s going on inside of them. Berating people may cause them to avoid dealing with thier issue.
I just put the pieces together yesterday and I'm just lost. I've been blamed for all of it, every single thing he did to cheat and fill his addiction was my fault because I'm a heroin addict. I see now that it's easier for him to be fully enveloped in his addiction when I'm in mine. I had nearly 2 yrs sober and relapsed when I found out he was having an affair with my ex best friend. He's slept with every single girlfriend I've ever had. I've changed nearly my whole life for him because I did believe it was my fault. Now, I know the truth ☹☹
not too much of a friend if they sleep with your boyfriend I would never do that to a friend people have no respect for themselves or others it's a shame
The one thing that never gets discussed is how incredibly expensive it is to get meaningful help. Most CSATS charge between $250 (hard to find) and $400 a session. Rehab can cost up to $45K... It's really sad and discouraging to think of how many people struggling in these situations just simply cannot afford to get the help they need.
My husband is sex addicted and he let me feel that I'm the crazy one's and nothing is happening with him... I'm in the point that I feel so alone, ugly and no good enough for him or someone else.... This is debating me like a woman.
The very last thing you said was the most profound thing I have heard yet in all my SA research. My SA has begun his recovery, going to meetings for the last 25 days but something in my gut feels very off, I feel he is still lying to me. Thank you so much for your work 😭
It’s the constant gaslighting hon.. at some point I didn’t believe a word he said anymore but also didn’t know what was real or not.. terrible for my sanity
My life has been turned upside down after discovering my husband's sex addiction. He gas lighted me so often, it made me feel crazy. We've been married for 13 years. The last 3 years I've supported his efforts for sobriety but he kept slipping. I finally had him move out and currently have minimal contact with him. I don't have any trust in him despite his efforts to change. I'm unsure of what will happen to our marriage at this point. I'm in therapy to figure that out.
I still cry everyday. I have anxiety every day. I have a therapist, he has a therapist. We were married going on 10 years years and I found o.ut he was cheating on me for 7 years. He picked up married women on the train which he took everyday to work. They lived in our neighborhood so I had to put our house up for sale. He got worse and worse as his addiction went on. He cheated with another married housewife that we not only knew them as a couple but our children were in the same grade and during/after their affair she encouraged our children to date. which they did and after I found out my daughter ended up moving in with her son. He had sex with men because he wasn't feeling anything with women anymore and thought that would mean something. It didn't. He would stop using condoms at the end of their relationships
52 years married, had to put up with his porn, he blamed me,said i shut him out when i was worried about breast cancer,or i wasn't sexy enough, or he had gone off of me sexually, after having our second child, anything rather then admit he was in the wrong. I never let him go without sex for long in case he turned to porn again, but he did anyway.He belittled me by saying how silly i was for getting so upset over a picture of porn.
Here’s the reality of being married to a SA. You better be best friends because that’s all that is possible. No more sex ever. Just like an alcoholic should not drink a sex addict must give up sex.
I would strongly disagree with that. Recovering from sex addiction is much more like recovering from an eating disorder, where the goal is to eliminate problematic behaviors while still engaging in healthy behaviors. I am sorry this seems to be your experience. Some recovering sex addicts do go to the extreme, but in my experience this can be worked through with counseling and patience.
Sadly the kind of support you talk about is only available to those with big bucks. So without it we have to make our own solutions: in my case proposed, extreme FLR + SLAA .but i don't even know if his intention to participate is genuine. Thats the problem with pathological liars.even if they tell the truth how can we ever know.
I forgave her for her past only to have her past hurt me to the core! Married for 8 years just had about 9 different disclosures over the years! I really need help! I also have no idea how to stop the visions, all the times I would call her and she would tell me that her phone was in her purse and she didn’t hear it! For years I never questioned her whereabouts she always checked in eventually and that was enough at the time! She really hurt me and all I can think of is that she could be lying about having this addiction just to mess with my head AKA (gaslighting)! We have kids and it hurts to even think that they will hurt knowing their mother was this type of sick! Plz help!
Rickyross352 Inc. I’m so sorry she is doing this to you! No one can recover on their own without an expert. It is hurting the kids even though it’s being kept a secret. All the kids feel the darkness of it. Studies have shown the kids raised in a home with a porn addicted parent, become suicidal and depressed. If she is not sincere in getting recovered, one of you need to leave for the kids. It is dangerous ground. I experienced this first hand. My spouse kept it secret for 28 years, it’s as if someone has pulled a rug from underneath me.
I’ve been married 30 years to a sex addict but I only realised it gradually the past 10 years. I still suffer from trauma. He works on big building projets, currently in Lesotho- a tunnel and dam. I cried I pleaded , my hair initially fell out in bushes. We’ve been living separately lately since he drove me away in 3 different ways last time I went to him, one of which was also attacking my health. He had a heart attack and surgery almost 4 years ago and his heart is at 45% now. I’ve never denied him sex and I’ve never been overweight. I am an empath so I was always the one making amends even if I wasn’t guilty. He required of me to always agree with him on everything and never to have my own opinion. Anyway my question is whether it’s unhealthy for a man to have say 8 and even more orgasms per day? He told me a few years ago I shouldn’t hide the keys because’ this is what I like to do” I think it’s gotten worse over the tears
I found your web site and I have finally discovered that my problem is a recognised condition, I am turned on by casual sexual relationships but as soon as a relationship becomes intimate it becomes claustrophobic, I shut down and ultimately the relationship ends, it's happened to me for many many years, in fact every time I have tried to have another long term relationship, it is repeated behaviour.
I used to feel that way, mostly due to trauma from childhood (abandonment issues, physical abuse, sexual abuse, molestation…). Therapy with a trauma specialist was the turning point for me personally.
“That’s what we’re for.” So the addict pair-bonds with the therapist instead of their spouse. Not that much of a step up from bonding with their affair partners instead of their spouse. They’re still not taking the risk of making themselves emotionally vulnerable to a spouse.
Im Sorry... after watching this im worse: so... 6 months ago I found out prostitutes, masssge parlors, glory holes 🕳, and I confront, and he confessed some, he chose to be with his addiction, I left without nothing. I went to sleep in my car. Then 6 months later, u found out he is fucking a “friend” that gave me emotional support on my loss and hurt. He told me he is in “love with her”, because she is “not bothered by his demons”... I’m destroyed because it seems I should be accepting him? He is trying go to therapy. So is he trying to be good for her? How that even happen? I’m so beyond hurt 😢
He will most definitely do the same thing to her. Let it all go and pray, let go and let God. Do good and you will receive good. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Sending ❤
I literally live my recovery 24 hours 7 days a week...I go to COSA and ALANON 3-4 meetings a week, and attended SLAA meetings in the past, I work with my sponsor, I’ve been in individual therapy from the start (with an excellent therapist whose VERY experienced in trauma and sex addiction), and I do feel I’ve healed tremendously and continue to do so. I decided not stay in the marriage because my ex decided NOT to continue his recovery because he didn’t think it was working and that he was being ripped off and 12 step didn’t work for him...HOW DO I CO-PARENT WITH THIS person??? I can’t trust him, he doesn’t respect my boundaries or agreements regarding not acting out around my home where me and our son live, and he has no clue how it emotionally affects me and my ability to amicably coparent...when does this resentment end?????? Because it sometimes feels emotionally unbearable...when does this pain go away??? I do continue to practice good self-care, but does that pain take incredibly long to go away???!!!
took me 20 years for the pain of marrying an addict to go away. ONCE MY SON WAS GROWN. I did not have Alanon and SAA until my boy was 13....so the earlier the better. MAy god be with you both, broken DREAMS take so long to heal... I hope you stay on the wagon.
This exact scenario is why I worry about leaving... I fear it'll get more out of control when we would have to coparent our kids. How has coparenting been now?
So, why Sex Addicts are not addicted to their wives? Why the sex needs to be with someone else? Second question: since it is an emotional problem, why do they get married?
Actually the same chemical process exist in marriage with our spouses but they are intensified with risk and taboo. We know that most addiction requires increasing exposure (more frequent), greater risk (place of acting out, danger of arrest, etc.), or taboo (non-cultural norms) to get the "hit" that creates the high. For most true addicts with compulsive sexual behaviors, the acting out is progressive the longer it goes unaddressed.
@@shanemontgomery1358 Can the "HIT"..be with a wife instead of a total stranger? You can take your wife to a risky place and have sex with her? If not, that means the wife is NOT ENOUGH. Is it? So, if the wife doesn't give the "Hit"...why Sex Addicts and Porn Addicts get married?
From what I’ve read, at its core, sex addiction is a problem with intimacy due to some childhood or past trauma. This is why it is actually much easier for them to have sex with random strangers then it is to have sex with their wife’, girlfriend, or someone that they are actually somewhat close to and care about. In the beginning of my relationship with my ex, (sex addict) he was okay with sex. As we got closer and he fell in love with me (as much as an addict can actually love someone since an addict’s #1 Love is their addiction) the sex decreased more and more to the point of pretty much nonexistent as he started caring more about me. That’s what lead me to looking into his phone since we were barely having sex. He was in his late 20s and we weren’t having sex, so I figured he was getting it elsewhere. That’s when I found out about everything and he confessed to have a problem. It’s much easier for them to have sex with strangers then their wife or someone they care about or love, since sex would be more intimate with someone they care about then a stranger so they avoid their wives/ girlfriend. Also, you are no longer a brand new shinny toy to play with. Sorry for putting it like that, but when a man watching so much more and is a sex addict, I believe woman become just sexually objects to them. I hope you are getting the support and help that you need for the betrayal and trauma
they get married for the same reason anyone ELSE does. They want the Dream. The LOVE, the family Plllease. Some think marriage will STOP their bad acting out. That is an ERROR in my understanding. Though personally I cannot speak to this at all. I was RESPECTFUL and monogamous in both my marriages. EVERY SEX ADDICT IS SOOO DIFFERENT. Their behaviours. THIS JERK should just speak for HIMSELF, which I think he is TRYING to do.
Is the spouse of an addicts job also to provide sex and sexual fulfillment on the addicts grounds and at their request whenever and however? It can be confusing, what is normal sexual desire, and what is acting out. What can the spouse do to not be used for acting out and enabling the addiction?
No. This is why saa and therapist have you do average of 3 months no sexual anything together or addicts part in all ways. That way they can get away from the addictive behavior and be thinking straight in therapy to recover and stay sober. Once recovering that intimacy and trust after working and distance than you can slowly reintroduce intimate sex again.
Thankyou for this honest and open informative very brave video I hope it helps other people who suffer being the other half when they find out the dirty truth 💔🤕☠💩 def neuro chemical process very scarey emotional escape and terrible cycle it totally destroyed me I nearly committed suicide and had several heart attax!!!! Lol not! totally broke me lost all my confidence don't forget people with bipolar or physchotic illnesses or alzheimer are more prone to hyper sexuality which needs treating on top of other treatment which is a very difficult delicate subject best luck in recovery folks also to to the innocents victims stay strong and don't quit hugs X
I'd say depends. If you are with a man that is a sex addict it's different than with a woman who is a sex addict. Men usually don't look to replace their wives if the wives have been good to them. Women on the other hand are more often cheating because they are looking for a replacement. So if he is cheating on you and doesn't feel bad about it know that if you haven't been a mood kill he is not looking for a replacement. In this case, id just says that it's good to think about the consequences of leaving him. Based on your profile picture I'm not sure if you will be able to do better. If he is treating you well why would you play a detective and look into his phone?
Could a sex addict transfer or share his addiction with one of his partners? For example, some drug addicts do try to consciously or unconsciously encourage others to engage in drug consumption. Simply wondering if a person can unconsciously transfer his addiction, in a conscious (with a known intention) or unconscious way (unknown intention)?
Narcissistic basically means selfish and entitled without regard for other people. So it all depends on your expectations of someone. if you are in a relationship with a sex addict its foolish of you to expect them to change
I married a sex addict and after I was married he wanted sex all the time I couldn't understand that at the time but I learned about his addiction first I thought it was me but then I learned about myself in this I had to come to a conclusion whether I was going to continue to live with him or not plus he had other women on the side and that was hard he was acting out on me and my body did what he wanted that that would make him stay be faithful to me I learned about this and I had to make a painful decision that I had a divorce him because he never stopped never got help even though I mentioned about help for this he didn't want it I still suffer betrayal trauma from this it's going to be a long process for me to completely heal I'm listening to this because I've had this most of my life with these types of men and now because of what happened to me I'm suffering from emotional anorexia because my walls are up up too much I don't know how to take those walls down I tried to use exposure two different activities in social situations but I'm struggling with all I can ask is for help and prayers thank you so much for your videos it's something I will never stop listening to
My biggest question that no one seems to be able to answer is why is it always younger skinnier girls than me my husband says that it’s making me go through a midlife crisis and I’m to blame anyways but why why is it always younger and skinnier girls than me I truly wish someday that I will get an answer for this whether it’s an answer that comes from him or someone else it is one that I seem to need to move on
No!! He is sick !! Period, he is sick from watching porn etc. His brain is damaged, know your worth!! It doesn't come from how you look, this comes from God.
It's not who they are or how they look, it's what they represent. Maybe they're easier to objectify. Maybe they're less threatening. Maybe he's a misogynist who fetishizes youth. Regardless, there's nothing wrong with you. If all was right with the world, he'd grow with you and mature and be attracted to you through the changes, just as he's getting older and changing. Couples have to grow together or fall apart, and it sounds like he's lost in an empty fantasy
I think it's interesting how other countries handle it and how some of these countries and societies are considered backwards: good beatings and eliminating porn and strip clubs and other sexually oriented businesses. I think in the old days, even here, male relatives would have come together and beat the crap out of the misbehaving spouse. No namby pamby maybe he'll stop when he decides to stop stuff. The old shotgun weddings are an example of this. Spankings weren't just for children.
Disclosure Only if you decide to stay. No, I disagree. Disclosure needs to happen regardless Make a promise, then I’ll tell Give me what I want then I’ll treat you like I should after being condescending and treating you as if you are the problem. Got caught every time and then it’s not even your fault. How many have heard I wouldn’t have if you would have???? Simple abuse on many levels
Perhaps you have not heard the latest interview by celebrity addiction specialist: Dr. Drew: Interviewer: We have here Dr. Drew the famous celebrity addiction specialist who wants to share with U all very candidly his own addiction. Drew: Thank you for having a go at me... U know what most people do not know is that I built celebrity rehab. for me! I knew I had to go to rehab, but rehab costs a lot of money. Where was I going to get it... from selling rehab to others! Interviewer: Wow! Dr Drew that's amazing! So what prey tell is your addiction? Drew: Anal sex... now that gays R allowed to marry, I feel more comfortable admitting it. A lot of people like anal sex... but I cannot get enough of it. Interviewer: Does this mean U R coming out... Drew: No... no... U don't have to be gay to enjoy anal sex... either giving it like John Wayne or getting it... like myself. But there are physical problems that accompany anal sex when you crave it as much as I do: leakage! I don't want to have to use Preparation H as a lubricant or make constant use of larger and larger butt plugs. I want to end the morbid enlargement and the only way for me to do that is through abstinence... total abstinence... no anal sex for me... ever! Interviewer: I understand U R now a member of the self-help fellowship recovery group: ASSHOLES ANONYMOUS One day or night, I was being fist ph'ked by this biker and he said: U know I can feel your heart beat against my fist... if I reached up a few more inches I could grab your beating heart and pull it out your ass... but he didn't... and he told me later it was due to "fellowship". Fellowship was the word that set me free and saved me... and I became an AA person: ah-souls anonymous and still am today: a fellow-ship!
Are sex and porn addiction synonymous? Do all porn addicts physically cheat? I recently discovered a man I’ve dated for a few months was still engaging in his PA but claims he’s never physically cheated in previous relationships and would never do it to me. Based on what I’ve learned about the addiction so far and considering how many “sexual conquests” he had before me, not to mention all the lies and secrets he held, I don’t believe him. He’s getting treatment now, including for LA, but now seems to think the LA is the real issue. He thinks if the LA is fully addressed, he’ll be less likely to rely on PA/SA to fill the voids.
Check out Omar Minwalla's The Secret Sexual Basement. Might give you more perspective. (also lots of really good podcasts with him). The boundaries are slippery and depend on the person. Any addict that is active in their addiction will lie. Lying is a huge part of it all and almost an addiction in itself.
If you read about the effects of porn on a person (more likely to believe rape is okay, child abuse is okay, etc), I think PA is just as bad as SA, just in different ways. And since they're both addictions, they work very similarly.
Is there a difference between porn addiction and sex addiction I just look at porn and talk dirty to women on dating sites but I'm not sleeping with random people
It isn’t the behaviors that are the problem, it is the compulsive behavior that you’re unable to control that is the issue. For example if you’re able to stop doing what you’re doing then I wouldn’t worry about it.
His gay porn addiction ruined our intimate lives. He had an addiction problem relapse recovery rinse repeat. Every relapse the porn reappeared. I believe @ 64 & using steroids the last relapse actually made him act like a teenager. He blamed me ! Actually with all the gay porn I found there was not one thing endearing. He had lost the ability to be intimate in any way. Actually I believe physically porn had lend itself to ED. He did admit to having ED, of course all the drugs though the yrs. This person was an RPH !
Im a recovering porn addict. Ive watched a ton of porn. But ive never had sex with someone else. Im now at 16 months porn free. I have had 2 relapses and 1 slip. 2 were softcore stuff and the 3rd was watching youtube videos of women half dressed. I havent pmo'ed to porn in 16 months.
Guys and girls. Don't victimise yourself. You chose to be with those partners in the first place, it might feel better to blame them but it doesn't solve anything. Take responsibility for your life, forgive them and forgive yourself. We are all just lost children in the sun.
That’s a pretty ignorant comment. You are aware that this addiction is something that individuals seek out for themselves because it’s a compulsive behavior that is ruining their lives? Hetero and non hetero men seek help for this addiction, as do women.
wow. This dude right off the bat. OFFENSIVE. Patronizing. I think he is dealing with his own SHAME. He is OFF the mark and doing a ton of GENERALIZING. He SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT. So far NOT impressed. Finally he said US. Finally. YUCK is my 1st impression.
SPOUSES NEED TO BE ACCOUNTABLE. You are ENABLING THEM. Did the 'wife' not take the time to get to know her husband? What is HER SICKNESS that she chose him?? LOW SELF ESTEEM. Start there. Tha is who they attracted. They are ALSO SICK. They need to be active in their OWN RECOVERY. COSA. Alanon. Quit whining, get ACTIVE in co-creating a NEW paradigmn. You don't need a Profe$$ional. 12 step for the CO DEPENDENT is available all over the planet. FOR FREE. Goodbye dude. You suck. YOU CANNOT GET ANYONE ANYWHERE. Finally some accuracy. Yuck. Create an OPEN System relationship, checks and BALANCES, vs. a closed relationship where is full of secrets just the 2 of you.
ALANON SUPPORT (for co-dependency) holds people accountable!!! they do NOT GIVE ADVICE. Finally. YES. Take care of you. GROW a spine. Have boundaries, learn to love yourself!!!!! don't have an ADDICT drive YOUR BUS!!!
@@sequoiasilver you've obviously never had to deal with sex addiction or maybe you were hurt more times than you'd like by someone who did have a sa problem? I speak from personal experience, it is extremely hard to stay within the realms of a healthy sex lifestyle. Someone with sex addiction goes through a vicious cycle of wanting change, constantly feeling shamed and depressed because no matter how hard you try to keep boundaries you always relapse. It's often times the result of a past trauma experience or abuse. Sometimes people who have been sexually abused struggle with sex addiction too. It requires a lot of love, patience, understanding and accountability.
Thank you finally for not blaming the partner of the sex addict! We are not codependent we are doing all of this from a standpoint of LOVE!
Yes!!! As if betrayed partners need more shame and guilt being blamed for the addiction!!!
Agreed!!!
Agreed. tried everything. too toxic to breathe in that unhealthy environment.
As a recovering sex addict myself, it’s good to be reminded of the severity of my actions. I’ve spent 20 years excusing my behaviors and I appreciate all that was said here. On behalf of all the addicts, I’m sorry for the hurt we cause. We often don’t mean to, it’s part of who we’ve been. Change can happen, don’t give up hope!
This is the best most accurate information I have read concerning sex addiction. As a sex addict I appreciate your insight into the matter on both ends- the victim and the addict. The responsibility is on us to take ownership of our actions and change. It's not uncontrollable it's just extremely uncomfortable when in the middle of an episode. The fight can be won by those who keep fighting and learning about the condition. Thank you Dr. Weiss.
No answers will ever erase the complete disintegration of trust and the feeling of having been with a complete stranger who is a sick fuck.
Yep. You nailed how it feels to be a partner of a sex addict.
Amen
Well said
wow, so understanding lol.
Just found out what was really happening in my relationship. Death by a thousand cuts. I love him, but love myself more. I left. He's on his own to fix himself. It's not my job to be his case manager.
This is me, 18 years of marriage and not knowing.
Good job! I am doing the same-its liberating to not have to be in this crap.
You did the right thing.
I have known a while and tried to gently open up the discussion multiple times but he lies!! He will absolutely not admit it. How can I get him comfortable enough to just be honest and admit it! Married 14 yrs!
@@MIRLA1018 21 years here…
Thank you so much for this video. I am the spouse of a sex addict that has only recently become aware of all the things that were done behind my back during our engagement. We were married in Sept. 2018 (without me knowing about all of his anonymous infidelity), and he finally broke down and revealed everything to me in Nov. 2018. He has been sober and in recovery since 11/25/18, and I have chosen to stay with him. But it's HARD.... SO HARD to cope with the emotions, resentment, betrayal, etc. This video has helped me in my process. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Do you really believe he is sober?
@@walkyria1 Yes, he is.
@@benz981 I am asking you because my husband (now ex) lost me and daughter because he is a Porn Addict. I gave him the last chance of his life to get sober, he promised he would never watch porn again because he didn't want to lose us, and guess what? 3 days later I caught porn on his cellphone. Result? I kicked him out of the house and I filed for Divorce. I divorced him 11 months ago. They are liars, they always find a way to hide it from you and once trust is broken...its broken..there is no way to repair.
@@walkyria1 I understand... and I am very sorry that happened to you. You have every right to be incredibly angry, and you did what was right for you and your daughter. Every addict's situation and journey is unique, depending on where they are with their acceptance of their powerlessness, and their own recovery process. Some sex addicts enter recovery, work their program rigorously, and are sober for years/decades.... I know them personally. But some addicts respond to recovery differently, and still hang on to those falsehoods that plague their mind... "I can do this if I really try myself." "If only 'x' would happen, then I'll be able to beat this thing." Etc. None of what you've said or how you feel is invalid... none of it. If you want to talk more, or want some support, please email me, I will be more than happy to talk to you: BL3V at Virginia dot edu Best Wishes
@@benz981 what is your email please? And I understand what you're saying.
It hurts so much. I thought it was ok but staggering disclosure triggers INTENSE GUT PAINS, so often, and questioning my own reality.
Thank you for being part of this. Hang in there.
So accurate!! The gut pains are so real and so intense 😢
@@robertweissphdlcsw2034 please help me! I dont kno what to do.
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35yrs
Finally! After 4 years since dday someone who doesn’t blame the spouse.
Does this mean that my husband did not love the AP? It was just a fantasy?
@@ronaliernsberger9934It's hard to say whether "love" was involved. Limerence for sure, but love? He may have been more concerned with how the affair made him feel.
By the way, this video is about sex addicts, which is a completely different matter than “just” cheating.
I personally found the “Affair Recovery” channel very helpful.
My husband unfortunately falls into both categories, sex and porn addiction and emotional affair.
All the best, take good care of yourself!
Wow.. I feel like I really needed to hear this. My partner blamed me for not wanting to have threesomes and I have nothing against threesomes, it’s just not for me. But i was starting to feel pressured… Also he’d rather watch porn 3 times a day than want to be with me :/ I’ve been beating myself up, but this has really helped pick me back up.
You are internalising his issues as yours. I hope you walked away because it won't get better until he has taken you to rock bottom with him.
Whiskey, porn, intimacy issues. This has been my 30 year marriage. They don't change. Leave them before your self esteem is gone. They will try for awhile but will always go back!!
Wow, really? How long did he get professional help?
Agree! Sadly. 14 years together, 12 years married... I am finally waking up to reality...Am done with this rollercoaster ride! I can't do it anymore. I am working at leaving the circus. It is going to take some time, however, as I have two small children, and no income...thinking about being on my own with my girls is both liberating and terrifying. One step at a time. But accepting reality has been my first step...Allowed myself to be deceived into thinking he was working on it, going to change all these years. As I reflect though, it's just the same cycle on repeat. He's saying now how he's going to get help again...heard that a few times. I asked for an STD test a few weeks ago, and he flat out refused. Told him, I feel plainly, the other day, our marriage is on the rocks, and I am DONE. "Interestingly," he was unmoved. Said no more than 20 words in response...no emotion. Really no response at all. After I poured my heart out and pain out about the most recent betrayal....that is pretty typical though, he just says he's "listening" w"hat do you want me to say"? Yah, um, nothing. You've said all I need to hear. And you just do not care.
@@sarahzook5077 OMG! You just described my 16 yr marriage. Unbelievable.
He has same responses..or none responses. Plenty of silent treatments.
Rrrrrrrr, makes you feel like a mad crazy person. SICKNESS😢😢😢😢
Partner of sex addict can make a good partner for partner of sex addict. Because we are genuine , kind, committed , loyal and real people.
This was my father. Destroyed my mother, myself and sibling. Life long pain and agony for all of us.
i could be at work fully engaged and i would feel a pain in my stomach. Everytime over 22 years it was exactly what i thought . He is right about trust your gut. she never had to tell me i always knew
“Found a new way to look good” that really resonates with me.
this is an add on: he put my health in danger. Our family in danger because they knew where we live. I didn't know about them but they knew about me. We lost our relationship with our daughter. And that breaks my heart. We are staying together. I still love him. I don't love this addiction. I hate it. I hate he had a double life. I hate he never told me about his cheating in his first marriage. I know this can happen again because its an addiction. And it is very hard work.
Thank you for this. My heart is bursting (breaking?) as I listen and identify with everything you have said. For so long have felt like I am the problem in my marriage. After 14 years together, 12 married, I just feel done. I have tried everything over the years, and I just don't believe he wants to change. I don't feel I can ray with him anymore. I am leaning into my online support group and getting some clarity so that I can heal and work my way out of my relationship with him. It is going to take some time, and I am at a place where it's not about being vindictive, I just don't have the emotional strength to do the work for both of us that way. I would rather be alone than retraumatized every 6 months to a year. Cannot take the kids and deception and feeling alone. I appreciate your resource list. Am going to look for a counsellor/psychologist who can hopefully help me in my area of the world! So many of these professionals are American, and I would love to find a Canadian help! Until then, thank you again for the free information. It eases a bit of the burden knowing someone understands and is working to help "victims" and vulnerable partners of sexual addiction.
So sorry you have had such a hard time. Have you found help from Canadian resources? You may want to check out Doing Family Right. They do virtual meetings if you are not local. All the best to you.
I cant even explain how much I have learned from seeking integrity, Tami and dr rob weiss. Insanely amazing. In the past month I have learned more from them than in the past year ! So amazing you guys !!!!
He gave the best explanation of what sex addiction is like that I've ever heard
I can't find the words to express my gratitude for this video 🙏🙏
I have been searching desperately for help and understanding for the last few months as a partner of an addict.
I've done lots of research, as you do lol, but I wanted real life experience from both points of view, and here you are telling me all the things I'm going through and all the things the man I love soo much has gone through....enough said... perfect...thank you soo much 🙏🙏💕💕
He’s 69 years old. He will never change.
I need to change so I am not codependent. I can’t do this anymore.
I pray that you have a new start
I’m sending you a safe & sincere virtual hug ✌🏼😊💪🙏🏻❣️
Thank you so much for your healing words at 32:00. I tried for decades (36 years) to save my family and marriage.
This is the most disgusting addiction of them all. I’m totally destroyed inside
This is so difficult for me to listen to if I am being completely honest.
My ex sent me this video as he has started taking programmes here in nz. We were together for 12yrs. Constant cheating, constant hurt and pain. We were planning on getting married. I'm over the pain, I'm sick of the "who is he talking to now" it's hard! And it HURTS so much!!! I will continue to listen and watch this video. But I guess I am still very angry at him and very hurt. (He cheated again for a whole month and I found out last week) so this is still very fresh for me to listen to.
my sex addict husband left me for meeting a lot of women for sex. He can not perform kinky and twisted and perverted sex acts on me. But he can with whores out there. At least i dont have std
I feel your pain so much.
Your lucky your not married! I found out after 30 years! Sick
@@JW-jx3tq agreed! Found out three months ago, our 21st anniversary is in a few days. It truly is disgustingly sick but most of all devastating.
It's an addiction absolutely, Im personally not a sex addict, I'm in recovery in A A . I'm also am addicted to food, my food goes up & down. My recovery in A.A. is solid. HaleluYah 💯💜. Sex addiction effects just about everyone. Your information is fantastic for every type of addict.
Thank you 💯💜
Just leave. Get the hell out now. Wish I would have so much sooner. The damage is excruciating
Infidelity is a deal breaker on many levels. 'Sex addiction' is a nice word for repetitive cheating. Tell everyone about the sex addict, they have made an evil, selfish choice...why help them hide evil? These nasty people spread STD's that ruin lives, and even END lives. The emotiomal.and psychological damage they inflict on those they are supposed to love can often never be 'healed.' Stop sugar coating this behavior. That just encourages and promotes it for these actual victimizers...abusers. one infidelity is one too many. Period.
I don’t think he is excusing it, but rather explaining it and the first step to an individual getting help is by feeling like they have a place where they can talk about what’s going on inside of them. Berating people may cause them to avoid dealing with thier issue.
Thank you for your compassionate words!! I love you for the light you beamed our way. 💙💙💙
I just put the pieces together yesterday and I'm just lost. I've been blamed for all of it, every single thing he did to cheat and fill his addiction was my fault because I'm a heroin addict. I see now that it's easier for him to be fully enveloped in his addiction when I'm in mine. I had nearly 2 yrs sober and relapsed when I found out he was having an affair with my ex best friend. He's slept with every single girlfriend I've ever had. I've changed nearly my whole life for him because I did believe it was my fault. Now, I know the truth ☹☹
I am very sorry to read about your pain!! I see you posted this 8 months ago. I hope you are doing well, you deserve happiness, work on that!!
I hope you can grow even stronger through this. I hope you find a stable man, meaningful friends, and solid healing. Thanks for sharing your story.
not too much of a friend if they sleep with your boyfriend I would never do that to a friend people have no respect for themselves or others it's a shame
So greatful for you! The introduction was so validating. Thank you
The one thing that never gets discussed is how incredibly expensive it is to get meaningful help. Most CSATS charge between $250 (hard to find) and $400 a session. Rehab can cost up to $45K... It's really sad and discouraging to think of how many people struggling in these situations just simply cannot afford to get the help they need.
My husband is sex addicted and he let me feel that I'm the crazy one's and nothing is happening with him... I'm in the point that I feel so alone, ugly and no good enough for him or someone else.... This is debating me like a woman.
Feel ya girl 100% I’m at my worst right now .. never expected my life to go this way wow
make that triple....😪
I decided to walk away for my own sanity.
Walking aways needs a lot of bravery .
I did the same but even walking away it has been the hardest thing to overcome for me.
Me too. It was too much.
@@MIRLA1018so true .
Me Too
The very last thing you said was the most profound thing I have heard yet in all my SA research. My SA has begun his recovery, going to meetings for the last 25 days but something in my gut feels very off, I feel he is still lying to me. Thank you so much for your work 😭
It’s the constant gaslighting hon.. at some point I didn’t believe a word he said anymore but also didn’t know what was real or not.. terrible for my sanity
My life has been turned upside down after discovering my husband's sex addiction. He gas lighted me so often, it made me feel crazy. We've been married for 13 years. The last 3 years I've supported his efforts for sobriety but he kept slipping. I finally had him move out and currently have minimal contact with him. I don't have any trust in him despite his efforts to change. I'm unsure of what will happen to our marriage at this point. I'm in therapy to figure that out.
Been with a sex addict for 16 years. How i found out he is a sex addict? His girlfriend told me.( Of course he was cheating on me)
Thanks a lot Dr Weiss for this structured and valuable information.
I still cry everyday. I have anxiety every day. I have a therapist, he has a therapist. We were married going on 10 years years and I found o.ut he was cheating on me for 7 years. He picked up married women on the train which he took everyday to work. They lived in our neighborhood so I had to put our house up for sale. He got worse and worse as his addiction went on. He cheated with another married housewife that we not only knew them as a couple but our children were in the same grade and during/after their affair she encouraged our children to date. which they did and after I found out my daughter ended up moving in with her son. He had sex with men because he wasn't feeling anything with women anymore and thought that would mean something. It didn't. He would stop using condoms at the end of their relationships
glynn610 I’m so sorry your going through this ! How did you figure this all out ?!
@@Im.SheenaV by accident on the credit card statements.
Everything will be revealed the Bible says,🙏🏼🤍I'm so sorry that's awful.
Amazing and articulate guidance. Thank you! I needed to hear what an appropriate boundary is for me- and this really helped.
Thank you! This video was so educational. It answered a lot of my questions that others and I haven't been able to answer. Thanks!
Thank you. This was so insightful. Really appreciate this video and both of you
Glad to hear you explain they are broken....
52 years married, had to put up with his porn, he blamed me,said i shut him out when i was worried about breast cancer,or i wasn't sexy enough, or he had gone off of me sexually, after having our second child, anything rather then admit he was in the wrong. I never let him go without sex for long in case he turned to porn again, but he did anyway.He belittled me by saying how silly i was for getting so upset over a picture of porn.
It is professional help that people need, though really understanding friends who can keep things private can be massively helpful & a real comfort.
Here’s the reality of being married to a SA. You better be best friends because that’s all that is possible. No more sex ever. Just like an alcoholic should not drink a sex addict must give up sex.
I would strongly disagree with that. Recovering from sex addiction is much more like recovering from an eating disorder, where the goal is to eliminate problematic behaviors while still engaging in healthy behaviors. I am sorry this seems to be your experience. Some recovering sex addicts do go to the extreme, but in my experience this can be worked through with counseling and patience.
I’d have to respectfully disagree.
@robertweissphdlcsw2034 excellent advice.
Sadly the kind of support you talk about is only available to those with big bucks.
So without it we have to make our own solutions: in my case proposed, extreme FLR + SLAA .but i don't even know if his intention to participate is genuine. Thats the problem with pathological liars.even if they tell the truth how can we ever know.
I forgave her for her past only to have her past hurt me to the core! Married for 8 years just had about 9 different disclosures over the years! I really need help! I also have no idea how to stop the visions, all the times I would call her and she would tell me that her phone was in her purse and she didn’t hear it! For years I never questioned her whereabouts she always checked in eventually and that was enough at the time! She really hurt me and all I can think of is that she could be lying about having this addiction just to mess with my head AKA (gaslighting)! We have kids and it hurts to even think that they will hurt knowing their mother was this type of sick! Plz help!
Rickyross352 Inc.
I’m so sorry she is doing this to you! No one can recover on their own without an expert. It is hurting the kids even though it’s being kept a secret. All the kids feel the darkness of it. Studies have shown the kids raised in a home with a porn addicted parent, become suicidal and depressed. If she is not sincere in getting recovered, one of you need to leave for the kids. It is dangerous ground. I experienced this first hand. My spouse kept it secret for 28 years, it’s as if someone has pulled a rug from underneath me.
The defining of a sex addict is clinical and very helpful.
I’ve been married 30 years to a sex addict but I only realised it gradually the past 10 years. I still suffer from trauma. He works on big building projets, currently in Lesotho- a tunnel and dam. I cried I pleaded , my hair initially fell out in bushes. We’ve been living separately lately since he drove me away in 3 different ways last time I went to him, one of which was also attacking my health. He had a heart attack and surgery almost 4 years ago and his heart is at 45% now.
I’ve never denied him sex and I’ve never been overweight. I am an empath so I was always the one making amends even if I wasn’t guilty. He required of me to always agree with him on everything and never to have my own opinion.
Anyway my question is whether it’s unhealthy for a man to have say 8 and even more orgasms per day?
He told me a few years ago I shouldn’t hide the keys because’ this is what I like to do” I think it’s gotten worse over the tears
Thankyou for validating my world.
This video was extremely helpful. Thank you.
I found your web site and I have finally discovered that my problem is a recognised condition, I am turned on by casual sexual relationships but as soon as a relationship becomes intimate it becomes claustrophobic, I shut down and ultimately the relationship ends, it's happened to me for many many years, in fact every time I have tried to have another long term relationship, it is repeated behaviour.
What help did you FIND? Your tone sounds good!!!
I used to feel that way, mostly due to trauma from childhood (abandonment issues, physical abuse, sexual abuse, molestation…). Therapy with a trauma specialist was the turning point for me personally.
But God is able to heal those cracks my marriage is a testimony of the love of God
Amen
I know God is able but, it's been 30 years! I'm 55, him 54 and, he doesn't want to change nor get help. 😔
Thank you very much for the information and all the good work!
As someone who has been in this type of relationship....
You'll drown yourself in trying to save him drowning in the ocean.
Leave.
Can sex addict is sickness which can be fully recover! And should anyone marry his/ her partner knowing they are sex addict?
“That’s what we’re for.” So the addict pair-bonds with the therapist instead of their spouse. Not that much of a step up from bonding with their affair partners instead of their spouse. They’re still not taking the risk of making themselves emotionally vulnerable to a spouse.
This is excellent advice. I wish my ex had someone speaking these truths to him. He may not be my ex
How do u know he hasn't found recovery? IT IS EVERYWHERE.
Im Sorry... after watching this im worse: so... 6 months ago I found out prostitutes, masssge parlors, glory holes 🕳, and I confront, and he confessed some, he chose to be with his addiction, I left without nothing. I went to sleep in my car. Then 6 months later, u found out he is fucking a “friend” that gave me emotional support on my loss and hurt. He told me he is in “love with her”, because she is “not bothered by his demons”... I’m destroyed because it seems I should be accepting him? He is trying go to therapy. So is he trying to be good for her? How that even happen? I’m so beyond hurt 😢
He will most definitely do the same thing to her. Let it all go and pray, let go and let God. Do good and you will receive good. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Sending ❤
Thank you! what types of groups might a loved one attend?
I literally live my recovery 24 hours 7 days a week...I go to COSA and ALANON 3-4 meetings a week, and attended SLAA meetings in the past, I work with my sponsor, I’ve been in individual therapy from the start (with an excellent therapist whose VERY experienced in trauma and sex addiction), and I do feel I’ve healed tremendously and continue to do so. I decided not stay in the marriage because my ex decided NOT to continue his recovery because he didn’t think it was working and that he was being ripped off and 12 step didn’t work for him...HOW DO I CO-PARENT WITH THIS person??? I can’t trust him, he doesn’t respect my boundaries or agreements regarding not acting out around my home where me and our son live, and he has no clue how it emotionally affects me and my ability to amicably coparent...when does this resentment end?????? Because it sometimes feels emotionally unbearable...when does this pain go away??? I do continue to practice good self-care, but does that pain take incredibly long to go away???!!!
The pain from trauma never goes away, you just learn how to manage it by self care and awareness.
took me 20 years for the pain of marrying an addict to go away. ONCE MY SON WAS GROWN.
I did not have Alanon and SAA until my boy was 13....so the earlier the better. MAy god be with you both, broken DREAMS take so long to heal...
I hope you stay on the wagon.
This exact scenario is why I worry about leaving... I fear it'll get more out of control when we would have to coparent our kids. How has coparenting been now?
So, why Sex Addicts are not addicted to their wives? Why the sex needs to be with someone else? Second question: since it is an emotional problem, why do they get married?
Actually the same chemical process exist in marriage with our spouses but they are intensified with risk and taboo. We know that most addiction requires increasing exposure (more frequent), greater risk (place of acting out, danger of arrest, etc.), or taboo (non-cultural norms) to get the "hit" that creates the high. For most true addicts with compulsive sexual behaviors, the acting out is progressive the longer it goes unaddressed.
@@shanemontgomery1358 Can the "HIT"..be with a wife instead of a total stranger? You can take your wife to a risky place and have sex with her? If not, that means the wife is NOT ENOUGH. Is it? So, if the wife doesn't give the "Hit"...why Sex Addicts and Porn Addicts get married?
From what I’ve read, at its core, sex addiction is a problem with intimacy due to some childhood or past trauma. This is why it is actually much easier for them to have sex with random strangers then it is to have sex with their wife’, girlfriend, or someone that they are actually somewhat close to and care about. In the beginning of my relationship with my ex, (sex addict) he was okay with sex. As we got closer and he fell in love with me (as much as an addict can actually love someone since an addict’s #1 Love is their addiction) the sex decreased more and more to the point of pretty much nonexistent as he started caring more about me. That’s what lead me to looking into his phone since we were barely having sex. He was in his late 20s and we weren’t having sex, so I figured he was getting it elsewhere. That’s when I found out about everything and he confessed to have a problem. It’s much easier for them to have sex with strangers then their wife or someone they care about or love, since sex would be more intimate with someone they care about then a stranger so they avoid their wives/ girlfriend. Also, you are no longer a brand new shinny toy to play with. Sorry for putting it like that, but when a man watching so much more and is a sex addict, I believe woman become just sexually objects to them. I hope you are getting the support and help that you need for the betrayal and trauma
Walky1, I'm going through this now and I need some advice from you. Can we talk, please?
they get married for the same reason anyone ELSE does. They want the Dream. The LOVE, the family Plllease. Some think marriage will STOP their bad acting out.
That is an ERROR in my understanding. Though personally I cannot speak to this at all. I was RESPECTFUL and monogamous in both my marriages. EVERY SEX ADDICT IS SOOO DIFFERENT. Their behaviours.
THIS JERK should just speak for HIMSELF, which I think he is TRYING to do.
Is the spouse of an addicts job also to provide sex and sexual fulfillment on the addicts grounds and at their request whenever and however? It can be confusing, what is normal sexual desire, and what is acting out. What can the spouse do to not be used for acting out and enabling the addiction?
no...dont normally get sex when hes getting it on line. He is spent! piss him off.
Id say that anytime you dont feel intimacy you shouldnt be involved in it.
No. This is why saa and therapist have you do average of 3 months no sexual anything together or addicts part in all ways. That way they can get away from the addictive behavior and be thinking straight in therapy to recover and stay sober. Once recovering that intimacy and trust after working and distance than you can slowly reintroduce intimate sex again.
@@uk9383 that’s an insightful answer!
@@evilsexykitty88 they will only get some place else it doesn’t work
Thankyou for this honest and open informative very brave video I hope it helps other people who suffer being the other half when they find out the dirty truth 💔🤕☠💩 def neuro chemical process very scarey emotional escape and terrible cycle it totally destroyed me I nearly committed suicide and had several heart attax!!!! Lol not! totally broke me lost all my confidence don't forget people with bipolar or physchotic illnesses or alzheimer are more prone to hyper sexuality which needs treating on top of other treatment which is a very difficult delicate subject best luck in recovery folks also to to the innocents victims stay strong and don't quit hugs X
What if the person is a narcissist and doesn’t seem to feel bad at all
RUN
I'd say depends. If you are with a man that is a sex addict it's different than with a woman who is a sex addict. Men usually don't look to replace their wives if the wives have been good to them. Women on the other hand are more often cheating because they are looking for a replacement. So if he is cheating on you and doesn't feel bad about it know that if you haven't been a mood kill he is not looking for a replacement. In this case, id just says that it's good to think about the consequences of leaving him. Based on your profile picture I'm not sure if you will be able to do better. If he is treating you well why would you play a detective and look into his phone?
My husband is both😢
Run yesterday
Thank you!
I live in Atlanta, GA, and I can't find sex therapists that care about people, not money. Can you guys recommend someone?
Can addicts trade one addiction for another. Like can an alcoholic in recovery turn to a sex addiction?
Could a sex addict transfer or share his addiction with one of his partners? For example, some drug addicts do try to consciously or unconsciously encourage others to engage in drug consumption. Simply wondering if a person can unconsciously transfer his addiction, in a conscious (with a known intention) or unconscious way (unknown intention)?
Not likely unless the partner is susceptible to addiction and/or deviant sexual behavior’s.
Is lieing about their behavior part of the adrenaline and arousal rush?
Can a sex addict really get better and fully recover
Yes..Im the victim same...but answer to your question yes he/she can be fully recovered.
Are sex addicts narcissists?
Narcissistic basically means selfish and entitled without regard for other people. So it all depends on your expectations of someone. if you are in a relationship with a sex addict its foolish of you to expect them to change
I don’t use my wife as my prostitute
I married a sex addict and after I was married he wanted sex all the time I couldn't understand that at the time but I learned about his addiction first I thought it was me but then I learned about myself in this I had to come to a conclusion whether I was going to continue to live with him or not plus he had other women on the side and that was hard he was acting out on me and my body did what he wanted that that would make him stay be faithful to me I learned about this and I had to make a painful decision that I had a divorce him because he never stopped never got help even though I mentioned about help for this he didn't want it I still suffer betrayal trauma from this it's going to be a long process for me to completely heal I'm listening to this because I've had this most of my life with these types of men and now because of what happened to me I'm suffering from emotional anorexia because my walls are up up too much I don't know how to take those walls down I tried to use exposure two different activities in social situations but I'm struggling with all I can ask is for help and prayers thank you so much for your videos it's something I will never stop listening to
Why not call it what it is....lust!!
Lust and hedonism
My biggest question that no one seems to be able to answer is why is it always younger skinnier girls than me my husband says that it’s making me go through a midlife crisis and I’m to blame anyways but why why is it always younger and skinnier girls than me I truly wish someday that I will get an answer for this whether it’s an answer that comes from him or someone else it is one that I seem to need to move on
Simply put they look sexier. I know it hurts hun, I’m in the same place myself, but that is the simple truth.
No!! He is sick !! Period, he is sick from watching porn etc. His brain is damaged, know your worth!! It doesn't come from how you look, this comes from God.
It's not who they are or how they look, it's what they represent. Maybe they're easier to objectify. Maybe they're less threatening. Maybe he's a misogynist who fetishizes youth. Regardless, there's nothing wrong with you. If all was right with the world, he'd grow with you and mature and be attracted to you through the changes, just as he's getting older and changing. Couples have to grow together or fall apart, and it sounds like he's lost in an empty fantasy
Because he is trying to live out his porn
I think it's interesting how other countries handle it and how some of these countries and societies are considered backwards: good beatings and eliminating porn and strip clubs and other sexually oriented businesses.
I think in the old days, even here, male relatives would have come together and beat the crap out of the misbehaving spouse. No namby pamby maybe he'll stop when he decides to stop stuff.
The old shotgun weddings are an example of this. Spankings weren't just for children.
Disclosure
Only if you decide to stay.
No, I disagree.
Disclosure needs to happen regardless
Make a promise, then I’ll tell
Give me what I want then I’ll treat you like I should after being condescending and treating you as if you are the problem.
Got caught every time and then it’s not even your fault.
How many have heard I wouldn’t have if you would have????
Simple abuse on many levels
Perhaps you have not heard the latest interview by celebrity addiction specialist: Dr. Drew:
Interviewer: We have here Dr. Drew the famous celebrity addiction specialist who wants to share with U all very candidly his own addiction.
Drew: Thank you for having a go at me... U know what most people do not know is that I built celebrity rehab. for me! I knew I had to go to rehab, but rehab costs a lot of money. Where was I going to get it... from selling rehab to others!
Interviewer: Wow! Dr Drew that's amazing! So what prey tell is your addiction?
Drew: Anal sex... now that gays R allowed to marry, I feel more comfortable admitting it. A lot of people like anal sex... but I cannot get enough of it.
Interviewer: Does this mean U R coming out...
Drew: No... no... U don't have to be gay to enjoy anal sex... either giving it like John Wayne or getting it... like myself. But there are physical problems that accompany anal sex when you crave it as much as I do: leakage!
I don't want to have to use Preparation H as a lubricant or make constant use of larger and larger butt plugs. I want to end the morbid enlargement and the only way for me to do that is through abstinence... total abstinence... no anal sex for me... ever!
Interviewer: I understand U R now a member of the self-help fellowship recovery group: ASSHOLES ANONYMOUS
One day or night, I was being fist ph'ked by this biker and he said: U know I can feel your heart beat against my fist... if I reached up a few more inches I could grab your beating heart and pull it out your ass... but he didn't... and he told me later it was due to "fellowship".
Fellowship was the word that set me free and saved me... and I became an AA person: ah-souls anonymous and still am today: a fellow-ship!
I LIKE DR.DREW!!
@@sequoiasilver A sex addict! LOL!
Leaning in.. love that
Are sex and porn addiction synonymous? Do all porn addicts physically cheat? I recently discovered a man I’ve dated for a few months was still engaging in his PA but claims he’s never physically cheated in previous relationships and would never do it to me. Based on what I’ve learned about the addiction so far and considering how many “sexual conquests” he had before me, not to mention all the lies and secrets he held, I don’t believe him. He’s getting treatment now, including for LA, but now seems to think the LA is the real issue. He thinks if the LA is fully addressed, he’ll be less likely to rely on PA/SA to fill the voids.
Check out Omar Minwalla's The Secret Sexual Basement. Might give you more perspective. (also lots of really good podcasts with him). The boundaries are slippery and depend on the person. Any addict that is active in their addiction will lie. Lying is a huge part of it all and almost an addiction in itself.
If you read about the effects of porn on a person (more likely to believe rape is okay, child abuse is okay, etc), I think PA is just as bad as SA, just in different ways. And since they're both addictions, they work very similarly.
Is there a difference between porn addiction and sex addiction I just look at porn and talk dirty to women on dating sites but I'm not sleeping with random people
I believe porn addiction is a form of sex addiction. Not to sure about that but either way it's an addiction and I recommend seeking help.
If you have a wife its causing grave disruption, and if you want a wife, better be honest about this
It isn’t the behaviors that are the problem, it is the compulsive behavior that you’re unable to control that is the issue. For example if you’re able to stop doing what you’re doing then I wouldn’t worry about it.
What about the wives feeling, I put myself in the hospital twice because of him. Your too nice to this problem. Bye
His gay porn addiction ruined our intimate lives. He had an addiction problem relapse recovery rinse repeat.
Every relapse the porn reappeared.
I believe @ 64 & using steroids the last relapse actually made him act like a teenager.
He blamed me ! Actually with all the gay porn I found there was not one thing endearing. He had lost the ability to be intimate in any way.
Actually I believe physically porn had lend itself to ED. He did admit to having ED, of course all the drugs though the yrs.
This person was an RPH !
I think they are narcissistic and unable to empathize with those they have ruined (which is us)
Was it really Q & A ? Or just a long talk?
Im a recovering porn addict. Ive watched a ton of porn. But ive never had sex with someone else. Im now at 16 months porn free. I have had 2 relapses and 1 slip. 2 were softcore stuff and the 3rd was watching youtube videos of women half dressed. I havent pmo'ed to porn in 16 months.
What if I refuse sex with my sex addict husband?
Don't have sex you don't want: period. What he does it up to him.
Mine cried for 2 days for forgiveness
omgggggggg👍thanx
Guys and girls. Don't victimise yourself. You chose to be with those partners in the first place, it might feel better to blame them but it doesn't solve anything. Take responsibility for your life, forgive them and forgive yourself. We are all just lost children in the sun.
Stop pathologizing men's sexuality. And this guy seems really low T. Of course, he'll agree with women. Plus, he's trying to sell something.
That’s a pretty ignorant comment. You are aware that this addiction is something that individuals seek out for themselves because it’s a compulsive behavior that is ruining their lives? Hetero and non hetero men seek help for this addiction, as do women.
Me when I'm addicted and mad about it 🙄
@@Love-eg2vf hi, can you please point out in the DSM where porn addiction is? I'll wait
@@feministmermaid4769 keep believing it's an addiction. Then you can avoid the fact that the men just aren't attracted to you.
Based. Exact reason you're hated. You use her, yet not attracted.
Sex is over permanently for the sex addict just like the alcoholic. Also for the spouse. The only solution.
Says who?
@@livlyfe2437 The Doctor featured in this video disagrees with thai statement -- HEAVILY.
wow. This dude right off the bat. OFFENSIVE. Patronizing. I think he is dealing with his own SHAME. He is OFF the mark and doing a ton of GENERALIZING. He SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT. So far NOT impressed.
Finally he said US. Finally. YUCK is my 1st impression.
SPOUSES NEED TO BE ACCOUNTABLE. You are ENABLING THEM.
Did the 'wife' not take the time to get to know her husband?
What is HER SICKNESS that she chose him?? LOW SELF ESTEEM. Start there. Tha is who they attracted.
They are ALSO SICK. They need to be active in their OWN RECOVERY. COSA. Alanon. Quit whining, get ACTIVE in co-creating a NEW paradigmn.
You don't need a Profe$$ional. 12 step for the CO DEPENDENT is available all over the planet. FOR FREE. Goodbye dude. You suck.
YOU CANNOT GET ANYONE ANYWHERE. Finally some accuracy. Yuck. Create an OPEN System relationship, checks and BALANCES, vs. a closed relationship where is full of secrets just the 2 of you.
ALANON SUPPORT (for co-dependency) holds people accountable!!! they do NOT GIVE ADVICE. Finally. YES. Take care of you. GROW a spine. Have boundaries, learn to love yourself!!!!! don't have an ADDICT drive YOUR BUS!!!
Sage Silverstein You are a class A jackass and total idiot. Hopefully you’re never in a position to ever help anyone.
@@sequoiasilver you've obviously never had to deal with sex addiction or maybe you were hurt more times than you'd like by someone who did have a sa problem? I speak from personal experience, it is extremely hard to stay within the realms of a healthy sex lifestyle. Someone with sex addiction goes through a vicious cycle of wanting change, constantly feeling shamed and depressed because no matter how hard you try to keep boundaries you always relapse. It's often times the result of a past trauma experience or abuse. Sometimes people who have been sexually abused struggle with sex addiction too. It requires a lot of love, patience, understanding and accountability.