This was wonderful. Recently stumbled upon the term ROCD and fearful avoidant attachment and it has offered so much insight. Difficult to overcome but just having the language for it is giving some hope
It's all coming from fears. Fears that are natural, but for some people become irrational. "I will ruin my partner's life if I break up with them" "I will ruin my own life if I don't" "I cannot stand this/this is THE WORST experience possible" "I cannot bear the uncertainty of whether this person is the right person for me" "I can't stand the idea of making the "wrong decision", "I can't stand to be rejected" "I can't bear to reject someone else" "I must not be single" etc. They are all fears which have some truth rooted in our nature (wanting to be liked, accepted, part of a social group, wanting to be in relationships and start families etc) but are exaggerated by our distorted beliefs (often exaggerating what others think of us, the impact events really have on the quality of life we can live, the idea of there being objectively "right" and "wrong" choices etc).
I was in a relationship riding severe ROCD. For 7 months we lived together it got really bad. Whenever commitment came up like marriage Id deactivate and need to be alone. I think the core fear was i will be trapped living a lie and I am bad for leading this girl on I'm ruining her life when paradoxically I was ruining my own life with the agonising thoughts. When I needed to be alone to recharge after working all day with people, she got triggered as an anxious attachment that I was no longer in love with her. She would cry and say it wasn't normal me needing to be alone so much. This made me lose a bit of attraction. I felt controlled much like in my childhood with my narcisstic mother who was angry constantly and would fly off the handle. I think rocd relates to the fearful avoidant attachment style too understanding core wounds like I am bad, I will be trapped, I am unloveable, shameful... Ect is very good. But the unconditional self acceptance is what I was missing after I broke up with her. I needed to accept that maybe I am a bad person for leading her on, maybe I could do better or be happier. And the truth was I could though. She demanded more time than I was comfortable with and her rigid schedules clashed with my spontaneity. I still wonder if I made the right decision and that causes me so much pain. I know I need to work on my perfectionism with my art and gym obsessions of feeling not good enough if I don't excel and that jeopardises time spent with a partner but also balance it with not being selfish on only my needs. Relationships are so complicated - self compassion and other compassion with comprimise is so important. I felt ashamed for feeling sad around her when I felt numb with fear and ROCD anxiety. Trying to joke and pretend I was happier than I was actually feeling really exaceberated my ROCD thoughts like - I'm living a lie, I resent her for having to spend so much time with her, she doesn't understand how anxious I am. Ect. But the I SHOULD BE ASHAMED FOR LIVING A LIE, AND LEADING HER ON and I AM BAD for using her for sex was driving all this anxiety. I felt controlled to be happy and enjoy myself because she would more than likely cycle into freaking out if she knew I was experiencing doubts and sadness in my feelings and ocd thoughts. I really do struggle with not accepting that I AM NOT SELFISH OR WEAK if I have ROCD and feel SAD UNCERTAIN in relationship the guilt of I should be happy in having sex and I'm with a good looking nice girl why am I not happy. I just need to accept the feeling of Shame and guilt with unconditional self acceptance
With the hotel example, maybe a nuance could be this: a week in a hotel in a tropical paradise could be amazing, but it probably also includes the hard things and the airport delays and whatever. So, if you were to save up and go on such a journey, you would probably get mediocre airplane food, they’d lose one of your bags, and the hotel might look better in the pictures. The real victory is if you can laugh at the overpriced airline food, treat the lost bag as an adventure to find a bathing suit in a different country, and to be present enough on the “only regular” balcony with your partner to enjoy the time and use it to connect. Finding the little nuggets of gold in the everyday. Having a mind and heart open so seeing and appreciating them.
Thank you so much for this video! Can you make a video talking about ROCD when it comes to someone’s health? Like obsessing over someone’s bad health choices, if they rely on meds etc...
I’ve just broken up with my GF last week because she was supposed to be moving over to me within the next couple of months and I panicked. I bet she’s so confused..I was too until I stumbled on these videos..don’t know what to do at this point
@@henchoakes8016 Hey, It’s been 4 weeks now since we broke up. I’m meeting her for a chat next weekend. I want to explain what’s been going on but I don’t know what the best thing to do for us is because this has left me feeling very confused as I don’t know what’s real or what’s the OCD at this point. How is your situation?
as always a good video... i am confused by what you're saying around the 4 - 5 min mark. about embracing uncertainty. when you're "no longer scared" of "it" at all...what's the "it"? The unknown status of the relationship as "good" or "bad"? Also what do you mean by, "I can tell if I love them or not because I'm not terrified if I didn't"? Are you saying that, for yourself, you can tell that you love someone if you're triggered? Or not triggered? thanks again for the helpful material.
Uncertainty is helpful in ROCD all kinds scenarios: "Do they love me or not?" "Did they cheat or not?" "Is my love real or not?" "What if this relationship ends?" And the list goes on and on. Embracing uncertainty and not being afraid of any possible outcome of these questions is important in ROCD. What if they really don't love you? What if they really do cheat on you? What if your love is not real? What's the worst to come out of all of this? Your relationship ending? That's certainly not the absolute worst thing to happen. Happens to millions everyday. It's going to be difficult to go through and definitely not ideal, but also not something you can't stand - you absolutely can.
Can someone PLEASE let me know what to do if you are in a relationship and are experiencing rocd which makes you depressed and anxious but your partner cries and thinks this is a sign you are going to leave them. I reassured my partner I wasn't going to leave her she suspected I was having doubts about the relationship cries a lot and I felt so bad I had to leave because our time alone boundaries didn't align
I think it's best to go to couples councellor who has some experience with (R)OCD. I did recently with my current gf and just having both of us be able to voice things like "even if we break up, I can still be happy" or that breaking up or staying together were both valid choices was very helpful. Also, just voicing the fears that are in both your minds is helpful. The fears both of you have are allowed to be there. The uncertainty of any relationship is allowed to be there. You must be aware that the fact that your partner is (irrationaly) fearful of you leaving them is not your responsibility. Of course this reaction is somewhat normal, but she must also learn that even if you left her, it would not be the end of her life. It wouldn't literally be the worst thing possible. At the same time, you have no certainty at all that she would not leave you. So the mindset to try and work on is "even if that happens, we can be ok". I find the depression and anxiety is fueled more by the idea that all these kinds of ideas and thoughts are BAD and CANNOT be voiced, and as soon as they are voiced and you can hear eachother's doubts, fears and insecurities, it takes a lot of the sting out of the situation. Paradoxically, the more both parties fear a breakup, the more likely it is to happen. Because the fear means any conflicts, doubts, insecurities are swept under the rug and left to fester. If you have some mis-alignment of values or practical things like time alone in the relationship, you MUST talk about them openly and accept the fact that a disagreement on fundamental aspects might mean it's better to not continue the relationship and that that is OK too (even if it may be painful in the short term). But by talking about it, it will be at least more likely that you can come to an agreement or compromise, or at least foster more understanding about why things don't work out.
what if there's real problems?? my partner has a tendency to say hurtful things during arguments. I am convinced that because of this, I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. My parents and friends thing I should leave. I have a strong urge to leave. Should I?
No-one can tell you what you "should" do. If your partner is hurting you... you can at least ask yourself if that is something you want to accept? At leat have a conversation with him about this. Why is he doing this? (he may have his own fears and insecurities to cause him to lash out, which isn't an excuse of course, but it can be helpful to talk about it if you do want to continue the relationship). It's certainly not "wrong" to leave a relationship when you are being hurt. At the very least, TALK. Express your feelings, make him express his. Go the couples counceling if that makes it easier to express difficult things. Then decide, based on changed in behaviour and how you feel in the relationship. There's no reason to stay in a relationship that makes you feel bad but of course, it's almost never 100% bad or 100% good.
@@SilentFaces ah.. change.. makes sense! Thanks for updating me:) I'm trying to hang in there. Did the OCD ever make you feel "sure" you wanted to move on?
@@Nicole-yx8ms for me it did, once. I broke up with my boyfriend and was miserable. Then we got back together and well, i felt miserabele again! Thats when i realised it was something in my head. However, the ocd still makers me believe that we only got back together because i was weak and afraid to be alone. So moral of the story: i need help 😂😂😂. How are you now?
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OCD is such a weird disorder man. It attacks the most specific things. I hate living with it
This was wonderful. Recently stumbled upon the term ROCD and fearful avoidant attachment and it has offered so much insight. Difficult to overcome but just having the language for it is giving some hope
It's all coming from fears. Fears that are natural, but for some people become irrational. "I will ruin my partner's life if I break up with them" "I will ruin my own life if I don't" "I cannot stand this/this is THE WORST experience possible" "I cannot bear the uncertainty of whether this person is the right person for me" "I can't stand the idea of making the "wrong decision", "I can't stand to be rejected" "I can't bear to reject someone else" "I must not be single" etc. They are all fears which have some truth rooted in our nature (wanting to be liked, accepted, part of a social group, wanting to be in relationships and start families etc) but are exaggerated by our distorted beliefs (often exaggerating what others think of us, the impact events really have on the quality of life we can live, the idea of there being objectively "right" and "wrong" choices etc).
I was in a relationship riding severe ROCD. For 7 months we lived together it got really bad. Whenever commitment came up like marriage Id deactivate and need to be alone.
I think the core fear was i will be trapped living a lie and I am bad for leading this girl on I'm ruining her life when paradoxically I was ruining my own life with the agonising thoughts.
When I needed to be alone to recharge after working all day with people, she got triggered as an anxious attachment that I was no longer in love with her. She would cry and say it wasn't normal me needing to be alone so much. This made me lose a bit of attraction. I felt controlled much like in my childhood with my narcisstic mother who was angry constantly and would fly off the handle.
I think rocd relates to the fearful avoidant attachment style too understanding core wounds like I am bad, I will be trapped, I am unloveable, shameful... Ect is very good.
But the unconditional self acceptance is what I was missing after I broke up with her. I needed to accept that maybe I am a bad person for leading her on, maybe I could do better or be happier. And the truth was I could though. She demanded more time than I was comfortable with and her rigid schedules clashed with my spontaneity. I still wonder if I made the right decision and that causes me so much pain.
I know I need to work on my perfectionism with my art and gym obsessions of feeling not good enough if I don't excel and that jeopardises time spent with a partner but also balance it with not being selfish on only my needs.
Relationships are so complicated - self compassion and other compassion with comprimise is so important.
I felt ashamed for feeling sad around her when I felt numb with fear and ROCD anxiety. Trying to joke and pretend I was happier than I was actually feeling really exaceberated my ROCD thoughts like - I'm living a lie, I resent her for having to spend so much time with her, she doesn't understand how anxious I am. Ect.
But the I SHOULD BE ASHAMED FOR LIVING A LIE, AND LEADING HER ON and I AM BAD for using her for sex was driving all this anxiety. I felt controlled to be happy and enjoy myself because she would more than likely cycle into freaking out if she knew I was experiencing doubts and sadness in my feelings and ocd thoughts.
I really do struggle with not accepting that I AM NOT SELFISH OR WEAK if I have ROCD and feel SAD UNCERTAIN in relationship the guilt of I should be happy in having sex and I'm with a good looking nice girl why am I not happy.
I just need to accept the feeling of Shame and guilt with unconditional self acceptance
Hello friend, how are You now??
My three favorite quotes: like kissing a wall, trying to control the internal weather, trying to learn French in 24 hours ❤🙏
It’s come to the point where.... I don’t feel sad anymore and that I feel ok feeling like that... when I don’t....
I feel the same. But I have to believe that over a week of anxiety, panic, and depression makes the monster take over😔
Would love a longer ROCD video , thank you so much, I joined the Facebook group and I’ve been learning a lot ❤️
If you click on playlists there are a few ROCD videos on this channel.
Thank you, I love how to the point and clear you are! Rocd drives me insane
With the hotel example, maybe a nuance could be this: a week in a hotel in a tropical paradise could be amazing, but it probably also includes the hard things and the airport delays and whatever. So, if you were to save up and go on such a journey, you would probably get mediocre airplane food, they’d lose one of your bags, and the hotel might look better in the pictures. The real victory is if you can laugh at the overpriced airline food, treat the lost bag as an adventure to find a bathing suit in a different country, and to be present enough on the “only regular” balcony with your partner to enjoy the time and use it to connect. Finding the little nuggets of gold in the everyday. Having a mind and heart open so seeing and appreciating them.
This was extremely helpful !
Thank you so much for this video! Can you make a video talking about ROCD when it comes to someone’s health? Like obsessing over someone’s bad health choices, if they rely on meds etc...
hearing this after breaking two good relationships for the same reason, so fucking sad
I’ve just broken up with my GF last week because she was supposed to be moving over to me within the next couple of months and I panicked. I bet she’s so confused..I was too until I stumbled on these videos..don’t know what to do at this point
@@jamiemitchell6265 if you consider that you can't stop, just get help.
@@BLS.93 I’ve started therapy because I was confused as to how I felt. But since my first session I’ve seen all these videos. How are you doing?
@@jamiemitchell6265 how are you getting on? I've just realised I may have this ☹️
@@henchoakes8016 Hey, It’s been 4 weeks now since we broke up. I’m meeting her for a chat next weekend. I want to explain what’s been going on but I don’t know what the best thing to do for us is because this has left me feeling very confused as I don’t know what’s real or what’s the OCD at this point. How is your situation?
as always a good video...
i am confused by what you're saying around the 4 - 5 min mark. about embracing uncertainty. when you're "no longer scared" of "it" at all...what's the "it"? The unknown status of the relationship as "good" or "bad"? Also what do you mean by, "I can tell if I love them or not because I'm not terrified if I didn't"? Are you saying that, for yourself, you can tell that you love someone if you're triggered? Or not triggered? thanks again for the helpful material.
Uncertainty is helpful in ROCD all kinds scenarios:
"Do they love me or not?"
"Did they cheat or not?"
"Is my love real or not?"
"What if this relationship ends?"
And the list goes on and on. Embracing uncertainty and not being afraid of any possible outcome of these questions is important in ROCD. What if they really don't love you? What if they really do cheat on you? What if your love is not real? What's the worst to come out of all of this? Your relationship ending? That's certainly not the absolute worst thing to happen. Happens to millions everyday. It's going to be difficult to go through and definitely not ideal, but also not something you can't stand - you absolutely can.
Can someone PLEASE let me know what to do if you are in a relationship and are experiencing rocd which makes you depressed and anxious but your partner cries and thinks this is a sign you are going to leave them. I reassured my partner I wasn't going to leave her she suspected I was having doubts about the relationship cries a lot and I felt so bad I had to leave because our time alone boundaries didn't align
I think it's best to go to couples councellor who has some experience with (R)OCD. I did recently with my current gf and just having both of us be able to voice things like "even if we break up, I can still be happy" or that breaking up or staying together were both valid choices was very helpful. Also, just voicing the fears that are in both your minds is helpful. The fears both of you have are allowed to be there. The uncertainty of any relationship is allowed to be there. You must be aware that the fact that your partner is (irrationaly) fearful of you leaving them is not your responsibility. Of course this reaction is somewhat normal, but she must also learn that even if you left her, it would not be the end of her life. It wouldn't literally be the worst thing possible. At the same time, you have no certainty at all that she would not leave you. So the mindset to try and work on is "even if that happens, we can be ok". I find the depression and anxiety is fueled more by the idea that all these kinds of ideas and thoughts are BAD and CANNOT be voiced, and as soon as they are voiced and you can hear eachother's doubts, fears and insecurities, it takes a lot of the sting out of the situation. Paradoxically, the more both parties fear a breakup, the more likely it is to happen. Because the fear means any conflicts, doubts, insecurities are swept under the rug and left to fester.
If you have some mis-alignment of values or practical things like time alone in the relationship, you MUST talk about them openly and accept the fact that a disagreement on fundamental aspects might mean it's better to not continue the relationship and that that is OK too (even if it may be painful in the short term). But by talking about it, it will be at least more likely that you can come to an agreement or compromise, or at least foster more understanding about why things don't work out.
This makes me feel so much better, I've been worried I'm a monster lately but idk anymore..
There is no such thing as a “monster”
@@OCDRecovery thank you
what if there's real problems?? my partner has a tendency to say hurtful things during arguments. I am convinced that because of this, I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. My parents and friends thing I should leave. I have a strong urge to leave. Should I?
My ROCD is partner focused as well! I wish there was more information on it 😭 Did you end up leaving, etc?
If they aren't willing to reflect and change their behavior and apologize at least, then leave
No-one can tell you what you "should" do. If your partner is hurting you... you can at least ask yourself if that is something you want to accept? At leat have a conversation with him about this. Why is he doing this? (he may have his own fears and insecurities to cause him to lash out, which isn't an excuse of course, but it can be helpful to talk about it if you do want to continue the relationship). It's certainly not "wrong" to leave a relationship when you are being hurt. At the very least, TALK. Express your feelings, make him express his. Go the couples counceling if that makes it easier to express difficult things. Then decide, based on changed in behaviour and how you feel in the relationship. There's no reason to stay in a relationship that makes you feel bad but of course, it's almost never 100% bad or 100% good.
It used to make me scared I don't love him now, now I'm convinced I do but just as friends (which equally gives me panic)
How are you doing now?
@@Nicole-yx8ms I'm okay thank you for asking. I sometimes have this thought sometimes but less so. They constantly change. How are you?
@@SilentFaces ah.. change.. makes sense!
Thanks for updating me:) I'm trying to hang in there.
Did the OCD ever make you feel "sure" you wanted to move on?
@@SilentFaces the changing is so Annoying! Keeps the anxiety around all the time
@@Nicole-yx8ms for me it did, once. I broke up with my boyfriend and was miserable. Then we got back together and well, i felt miserabele again! Thats when i realised it was something in my head. However, the ocd still makers me believe that we only got back together because i was weak and afraid to be alone. So moral of the story: i need help 😂😂😂.
How are you now?