Over the years I have found that people tend to have a hard time not seeing their own experience as the key to success. People who found their partners by going out there and looking will tell you to make more of an effort. The ones who just happened to have their partner dropped into their lap will tell you not to try so hard, "it will happen when you stop looking". There is no ONE way that guarantees success for everyone just because that was the way for you. But more frustrating for me has been the tendency to always look for what others are doing wrong. It's the "but what was she wearing?" variant of the relationship world. If you're not in one, you must be doing something wrong. Because if that's not the case, there might be things out of our control like...plain bad luck. People have a very hard time with the notion of not being in control of every aspect of life. Reasons must be found and the reason they're most comfortable with is you.
Very true. I also think people overlook the fact that finding someone has always been difficult. That's why arranged marriages, and matchmakers exist. That's why most cultures have elaborate courtship rituals, and most people ended up just marrying the people that were in proximity to them.
@@ladybluelotus Exactly. And then it all comes back to people not being able to see past their own experience. THEY were successful, so surely you will be also. The amount of times I've seen or heard people guarantee others their time would come...I wanted to go all bitter old lady-like and tell them not to listen because they might never find anyone but I guess I'm a softy at heart, so I always let it go.
As someone who got very lucky with romance, the best advice that has made sense to me is to just be the standard of the kind of person you want to attract, like work on being the best version of yourself (NOT to say you need to be there yet to meet someone and be happy together, Lord knows I ain't there yet), and in the meantime, I think the rest really is luck. I got lucky. A lot of people don't, and in most cases it has little to do with what someone is doing right or wrong (unless one's personality is literally toxic and trash, but I imagine this to be a minority in the grand scheme of humanity). Admittedly I don't even know why I clicked on this video because I know that it's not even for me, but I love the perspective that has been taken here. I think younger me would have appreciated it 😅 I hope this doesn't come off as trying to hijack or make this about me. Just wanted to contribute to the conversation.
My best friend needed help when she was moving. She found this group on Facebook with people looking for small jobs and hired a guy. A month later they were together and now 2 years after waiting a baby. So yep it is possible 😊
I stopped dead in my tracks when you said, "someone delivers a package, and all of sudden, you guys are engaged" - that's literally my story lmao. I was like, "does she follow me on IG and heard me say that?" LOL! So, true story: I was minding my business last year, not in search of a man at alllll. I went downstairs to the mailroom in my building to get a package, the package was missing, and the guy behind the counter who was trying to help me was new (or so I thought cause I had never seen him before) and I gave him a compliment, "Okay fresh line up!" - his hair was freshly cut. Fast forward 11 hours, he ends up finding the package, bringing it upstairs to my unit, aannnnddd.... we're engaged. So yeah, these things definitely do happen!
In my experience guys are very nice in the beginning…until they’re not! Being single is peaceful and I don’t feel safe in romantic relationships. I love my family, friends and colleagues. Romantic relationships on the other hand have brought me emotional trauma and humiliation. I haven’t dated much in my 30’s. I avoid it. I just can’t picture that part of my life as peaceful and safe.
So true with dating apps, ppl will match with you and show some interest but won't continue to pursue you just because they become mesmerized by the plethora of options they have on the app
Thank you. Some people are just mesmerized by the idea of having options to the point of paralysis. They can't make a decision because they don't feel they should have too. As long as there are options to be had why settle down?! People are just accessories to them.
The first half is completely true for me. I’m so glad someone finally shed light to it. I believe when I’m completely comfortable with my life from my finances, living situation down to my health that I will meet someone but right now I’m picking up the pieces and trying to figure myself out and build my confidence back up. I would love to meet someone and be in a relationship but I also want to be happy with who I am first.
It is actually the main only reason I’m still single and never been in a relationship at 25. I remember my mom telling something like that but I didn’t really understand. Now I understand what meant every she said is why subconsciously avoided people who showed interest me. I was very insecure and didn’t want to be vulnerable because I was afraid of what people think of me. I’m still to this day kinda of like that but I’m working on improving. But sometimes I feel like it’s too late 🥲
Reason 1 is the most relatable, so many of us don’t think we are worthy of those we are attracted to and a lot of women have settled for those they THINK they should be with or biological clocks start ticking.
These reasons were spot on! We have to meet sometime in Post pandemic life. We are so much alike! To be over 30 in no relationship and without kids is a unique experience many can not relate to. I hope you consider a meet up for us ladies and gents in the future.
Well, how about this single folks... Imagine after 33 years of being single you are finally partnered to someone who you thought was amazing only to discover they are NOT in fact your person.... Buuuuutttt this realization comes only AFTER you already married them a year later and had a child the following year. 😑 Trust me. There are plights on both sides of this fence but I assure you having now experienced both (single and married), I'd much rather just have me and my emotions to deal with than be to be linked to an incompatible partner "until death do we part." 😔Choose wisely my friends.
Iv1908. Congratulations on having a beautiful child to call your own. Your little one is the good thing of that misstep. It was only a misstep. You aren’t the only one who has done it. This thing called life has good...& bad.
@@davisholman8149 Thank you for reply and encouragement Davis. You are so right about my little one being the prize out of this. I definitely am super appreciative and blessed to have the opportunity to be his mother. And, yes, sadly many others have had misfortune to make this mistake. Life is definitely something so for sure but it's definitely a blessing to see beauty in all it has to offer. My best to you, Davis. 🙂
@iv1908 I’ve am right there with you. It’s a gut punch and you feel a bit bamboozled for throwing away the freedom of singleness for this relationship that everyone says is the right next step. One thing i can say is that I’ve never had anxiety about, been stressed by, or hated being single.
"So long story short... I don't really know what I'm talking about" 😂😂 I felt that sis LOL Honestly though, this might be one of my favorite videos of yours. I could definitely see myself in being afraid of being vulnerable, being picky, and going through phases between not trying and trying to hard. I completely agree on hating hearing those things though! Especially the "You have to love yourself" "or improve xyz first and THEN you'll find them." 🙄 the right person should love us as we are and you're right that being in a relationship or not is in no way a reflection of who we are as people! (And the Ted Bundy thing hammers it home lol) I love that whole section at the end, it definitely added a good balance to the practical reasons and makes me want to check the book out. It's so easy to think there's something wrong with yourself when society keeps selling this narrative of relationships.
I'm just going to put myself out there, I havent dated/talked in 6 years because of depression, insecurities, emotional stress feeling like I have to have a safe space, working over nights because of anxiety not being able to relate to my peers (30s) . That's alot of burden to put on other people so I rather stay away, it's one thing to be alone but being lonely is a constant battle for me I often go to dinner and places alone and I don't have the most approachable face 😅. I remember what it's like to feel loved by a significant other tho my longest relationship was 6 months but for some it's nearly impossible. Thank you for creating a open honest space.
I feel like a major reason why so many women are in bad relationships or convince themselves that their relationship is good and non toxic is because they don't want to be blamed. It's so weird how we place such huge value on romantic relationships to the point that we pick a part single women as if something's wrong with them for being single. So you either stay single and receive hate for it or date the first guy who's interested in you. And I can tell so many women have low standards. They might seem picky because they want a guy whose at least 6 feet but then don't have much standards when it comes to the actual important things and end up letting so many things slide and compromising for the man's benefit despite it hurting the woman. So many insecure women enter relationships, probably a lot more insecure women are in relationships than those that are single. Especially because a lot want to feel validated by a man. I think we should be preaching the message that it's okay to be single rather than something must be wrong with you if you're single. Especially since a lot of partnered up people have plenty of problems individually and together.
Fully agree. Single women are also constantly being told (and telling themselves) to take that time to "work on themselves" (whatever the hell that means), as if they're somehow defective and need to fix that. Nobody ever tells people in relationships that. It's this whole idea of having achieved the goal once you landed someone. After that you're apparently a perfect human being that no longer requires "work" or it doesn't matter because you got the guy so this work is no longer necessary.
This 100%! I honestly just laugh at how weird the society's standards can be. So if you have a happy content life and you're single something is off but when you are miserable with a ring on your finger it's all normal. Social conventions are really just designed to screw you over rather than help you make progress in your life.
@@santanacaipirinha9536 Actually it seems that you have to work on yourself in some fashion all the time. And I've been guilty of saying and doing this as well. Single women are meant to do internal work, single men external work (on their purpose). If they ever get into relationships, then they'll need to put effort and work into that. And that doesn't even factor in the day job and children. I'm exhausted writing this.
@@toomuchinformation Ah yes. "Doing the internal work" or "becoming the best version of yourself". It's hard enough just to drag yourself through the day. I think the real work is not worrying so much about what other people think. Because, ironically, the people who think you should "work" to change yourself are very frequently people with no self-reflection whatsoever.
Why would someone comment “you don’t need to analyze everything” on a commentary/analysis video lmfao it’s legit comical to me. Like people really do come to say the most useless things
Precisely. It's far more common than people will admit. And honestly there's nothing wrong with taking an honest assessment of where you stand in relation to others. There are far too many people that are in relationships because they are insecure, and then hurt their partners when they've gained their confidence.
That tweet is me! I’m waayyy too comfortable being alone. I put no effort into dating and most of the time I don’t really feel bad about it. Not sure how to change that tbh.
Enjoying your time alone is a good thing. And I believe that whoever is meant to be with you won't pass you, and you'll accommodate each other in a way that you both see fit.
Wow, you blessed us with two videos in two days. :) Dating apps = paradox of choice People become very picky about inconsequential stuff, especially in larger cities.
111 views and 17 likes?? C'mon yall, do better!! The good sis is giving us sage advice and vulnerability. As a fully grown woman, I appreciate this. I've been married for 14 years and no kids, that in itself is taboo for women, but I'm finally ok with it and the decisions I've made...💕💞💕
You should really do a support group.I feel like alot of women are having the issues that you address but unfortunately some us dont have a safe place to open up 😔
@@13579hee Thank you for speaking on the behalf of men too. Men too have a hard time dating or being single for a long time too… And there is nothing bad about that. We need to normalize the single life / not rushing to date a bunch of people (in the same year)💯
@@JulianSteve I get that 100% but I don't seem myself as "single". I think "single" is for people who've dated before. I REALLY just feel like a lose 😣
@@13579hee You should go ahead and start a group for men, then. It would be much safer for us and more beneficial for YOU all if you would go your own way and find your own tribe of like minded men. Good luck and take care. Bye!
@@nomihagan girl 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 I really wanna rebuttal but Im too busy laughing. This made you come off as hurt. Do you wanna heal beloved, or do you wanna fight with men? Cause the feminist in me believes VERY deeply in women NOT centering men in their lives the way you just did. Steph speaks on her experiences as a woman but she's also used gender neutral wording across many of her videos at times. She knows that women can't be the only people having these experienced. There is a way that she centers women and her womanly experience while calling men out on their bullshit without centering men 😊 You should've done that. There are SO many women commenting under this video......and you chose to reply to the guy whose comments had less than 15 likes.....😬
M'y opinion : too much options. Before the internet, you had a few options within a close circle (city, school, family, friends, work). And when you met someone , you knew that you were not going to meet hundreds other persons. So that person was the right person for you. And after meeting the person: you had to work on the relationship, the harder you work, the better is.
Too many options is true but at the end of the day u truly connect with the one only. Saying back then u just had to go along with the 1 person u met sounds like settling 😩
@@nawal10 we have to settle at some point. We can't be w all the wonderful people that might be right for us. It is not physically possible. Edit: or be happy and alone. Several options now but every now and then we can settle :/ 🤔
@@nawal10 there is no such a thing as the one and only. If you meet someone to whom you are a little attracted and whith whom you can have conversations. And let s say that there is no other person left for you, i am sure you will do all you can to make the necessary compromises. You can make that person the one and only.
I feel like this whole idea of settling has become a big reason a lot of us are single (well I’m not single but) my point is always thinking something better will come along makes a lot of us miss out on the good things we have right in front of us. No man will be everything we want and we will never be everything they want as a woman just my take. I know for myself I found a good man treats me with respect loving and makes great money. He isn’t over six foot with a six pack though so I had people tell me I was “settling and keep looking” but I realized finding a good man out here is hard when you find one don’t take it for granted thinking something better will come along. I’m happy I didn’t listen to my friends because I’m on a Baecation in Mykonos celebrating our anniversary 🥳.
if you only play the lottery with 300 million chances or less. you basically never going to win. cmpared to someone playing scratch cards. winning a smaller amount but winning something at all. its ok to play a super high stakes game. but like winning the lottery there is a certain dillusonality if you are actually seriously banking with a win. 300 million times to 1, you are gonna loose. but thats ok. its the game you choose to play. you need to though be away, ychance are super high, you arnt walking away with a prize. if you own that, consciously and deliberately. great for you. you a high rolled. you bet the house and the car and the bet didnt work out. thats ok. its your choice and people needed to respect that.
Honestly, I worry that I may be too picky. The thing is I don’t ask for much, I just want someone to match what I have to offer. People assume I’m single because I’m looking for a tall handsome rich fella, I just don’t want to be the only person putting in effort when I receive nothing back. We all have flaws, I have been attracted to people I never thought I would be, but I find myself getting super angry when I have to force myself to like someone because people keep saying I’m picky. Hell even after multiple dates I’ve tried to find some type of attraction to the other person.
@@jbb8261 true true. if we are generally acceptingof our fellow human thngs woul be a whole lot better. accepting and picky. being accepting is the exact opposite of being picky. cant be both. its a contradiction in its self
The way you present subject matters is in a class of your own. Your greatness is being noticed and will grow rapidly in a world full of uneducated airheads. Thank you for having the verbiage to deliver VALUABLE content to this RUclips platform 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼
I bet she gives the best presentations at work, seriously.. she is one of the most articulate people I have seen on RUclips, and she conveys her feelings very well.. everybody else is doing baby talk and random talk while she's shooting darts to the heart!
I'm 43, still unmarried, still no children. I go out on dates and am always asked the "question". I just shrug my shoulders and give them answer #1. I'm not insecure or clingy or thirsty or anything like that. This video puts things in perspective.
Life is about living for me. Men are just people. I want my own life and happiness separate from my partner. 🤩😍 I have faith we will all work on ourselves and focus on being alone with ourselves to be better every single day🥰🥰
@@tamaraa9846 i hope you answered with more than a single work (edit: word) every now and again. if i engage a convo and the other person, just drops a short answer, and nothing more than simply answering a direct question. i take what dignity i have left and go, in my mind i kind of curse them out a bit for wasting my time too. (edit: -omg pinnaple on pizza... right? -uhuh -...... -...... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu *prances away like a glittery bronie* )
You brought up so many great points in this video! I think what a lot of single people want to hear is very different than what they NEED to hear if they really want help. Everyone wants the problem to be environmental and societal but no one wants to be honest about our own flaws. I recently realized that I've been unknowingly sabotaging my dating life by never allowing myself the risk of connecting emotionally to people without overanalyzing every single aspect of the person. Be honest with yourself about your emotions yall
Thank you for your content, this is really helping me🙏🏾 I was getting comfortable in the whole "he will find me when it happens" idea while staying indoor all day. Imma get out more...
I’m single because I’m obese and I don’t feel confident dressing up nicely or putting myself together. I feel comfortable wearing a big tee and big sweat pants. My undone hair and acne contributes to the problem. I completely stop taking care of myself. Today I stepped on the scale at weighed 260. Per covid I weighed 170. I have to start taking care of myself again. It’s not good for my mental or physical.
Same Here! Plus size, overweight, obese, whatever you call it, I love my pandemic leggings and a T-shirt as well. Just told my NP today that I have to do better to become more healthier. I don’t know if that will attract the man of my dreams or not but it’s a benefit for me health wise.
You’ve identified the problem now begin the work and HAVE FUN. I’m 240 pounds, 25 years old, 5”6 and this year I decided to dress for my size and put more effort into myself. I wear more dresses, and skirts, and if I do put on pants or a sweatshirt, now that it’s fall, I make sure to make it nice fitting to compliment my shape. You have to work on self acceptance, and then self approvement will follow
This is something I never hear anyone talk about but I experienced is males would say "you don't look single:; 'you don't look like you're looking:. To this day I don't know how to look single. I remember a guy who lived in my apartment building said I don't look single and said he thought my spouse was overseas or something.
What does single look like? Immodest clothes? I’m so lost at that commentary. I’m wearing all my disney princess clothing. Idc anymore. I’m me. Like it or move around 😂
This like having a big sister that's already been through it all lol. I really appreciate your videos, it can be hard to find content for regular people now a days so thank you!
If you are aware of yourself and what you want it is easy to weed out people. There should be some deal breakers set beforehand that you don't bend no matter how attractive the individual is. I also have noticed different people can bring out either the worst or best of me. I can repeat the same action and I get very different results. I don't believe there is ever a right time for love. If you're waiting for the perfect time it may never happen or you may loose out in a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I love all the frequent & recent uploads lately, keep them coming. Can we justbe friends already? I can relate to you soooo much and I'm 38. I wish I knew more people like you in real life. And sis, spill the hair deets. I need me one of those too.
What you said about men having a bunch of options is so true! My boyfriend mentioned that dating apps are unfair to men because you only get a certain amount of swipes or else you have to pay and that swiping randomly on everyone works the numbers in your favor. He said " ita a number's game for guys". This is EXACTLY why there are limitations now. Too many men are playing games and not being INTENTIONAL when using the apps. That's why it's so easy to just dispose of people and ghost them like it's nothing.
I relate so much, and this is why the question why are you single is so off putting bc when you’re single bc you have an issue being vulnerable, how do you explain that without being vulnerable, especially when you’re being judged in the moment
I hate that people think becoming less picky is "lowering standards". Being self reflective about where these preferences come from and learning with time what is truly important for a compatible relationship is called growth. Maturity is a good thing. Sidenote on #2: my roommate hit on me. I joked that I basically only had to take 10 steps out of bed (tiny NYC apartment) - and still ended up single. (I politely turned him down as he was 10+ years my junior (25ish vs 37) and we were most definitely in different stages in life.)
Generally, people aren't telling people who make reasonable compromises that they are lowering their standards. They are telling people who accept partners who treat them poorly and bring nothing to the relationship that they are lowering their standards.
I was trying to be accountable 😭😭 I support pickiness as long as it's not superficial (but even labeling something as superficial is subjective so 🤷🏾♀️)
@@user-kr2ty9vk5n exactly. I have a friend doing that. Her boyfriend loves her and is nice and sweet but he has no drive at all. She's the only ambitious one in the relationship. He's been promising her to get his IT certs over 2 years now. I can't imagine being with someone who has no drive.
I’ve never been in a romantic relationship of any kind lol. No dates, hugs, or kiss, nothing. I’m 25! I don’t think it bothers me too much but I worry what other people might think.
Girl you're good! I was 25 and went completely crazy thinking I was behind. Four long years later I'm realizing how young I was and there's no rush on YOUR timing. 💗
@@richild3967 lol I downloaded Tinder for like 2days then deleted it 🤣 I spoke to a nice guy and then the next day he tells me he has a girlfriend and was looking for a threesome partner 💀✋ also I think I’m boring with dry social skills when speaking to new people so I don’t use dating apps really.
AND the people on My 600lb life. I DONT mean to body shame, but that totally refutes the whole " you aren't working on your appearance". Lots of unconventionally attractive people are married.
Mine is trauma. I’m working on making myself whole because that’s MY job. I want a healthy relationship. I can’t have that if I haven’t dealt with my own issues and since I haven’t gotten to a place where I know I won’t always project my experiences on someone else, I know I’m not ready to go back to dating yet. I’ve been around enough toxicity to know that dealing with my own shit is step one. That and the fact that making myself whole is a whole ass job man. It takes so much energy and commitment to myself to grow and I currently don’t have the energy to fill my own cup while also building a healthy relationship with someone else.
@@anissa2361 It is. I learn't from Abuse group and Abuse individual counselling, to listen to my gut and my feelings. It's better for everyone involved when you don't get into unhealthy situations.
The insecure one is relatable though. I’ve been feeling that way my whole life, not wanting to let someone in cos they gonna see me in a way that I see myself. “The secrets”
“Too picky”.. 🙄. Because I don’t wanna date a felon or a grocery cart attendant or (insert minimum wage job) or abusive..I’m too picky. It’s not that we just wanna find an average guy making at least 50k with a career (not a dead end job) who is emotionally stable & is ready for commitment. Doesn’t seem like that should be too hard to ask but unfortunately..
With both my long-term relationships, ironically, I met them at home. One was when my roommates had a party and he was a friend of a friend. One was someone I met via online forums where we chatted just as friends for over a year before even thinking of flirting. We have been together now 6 years and going strong. I feel extremely lucky. This is why I am still so interested in your videos on single-ness. I don't feel like I learned anything at all by meeting them both this way. If I were single tomorrow, I wouldn't have a clue what to do.
You're so funny and I can totally relate. I have struggled with Big Shame for a really long time about my work situation. Due to depression, panic attacks and ptsd I've been in and out of work, mostly out of work, for several years. I've volunteered a lot in that time and studied to train in a new career but it always feels so awful telling prospective dates because today we're all expected to work full time and earn good money. I'd love to be earning good money but in the past every time I was in work (including as a teacher) my mental health would often deteriorate in this Catch 22 situation. I'm working on releasing the shame and also working on going self employed. I have noticed that when I talk to men online dating they usually have their own Big Shame secret too, and often it's something I consider a non issue like dyslexia, but to them it's this huge issue they think they'll get rejected for. I think as we get older all of us have baggage and insecurities and it's about finding another person who is comfortable with our particular baggage and vice versa.
I recently rejected a proposal lol. Idk if I’m blocking my own blessings but I’ve been turned off by men for a while and I’m too old I should be excited for marriage and kids soon, but I’m not. I feel sick when the topic is brought up and I can see it hurts my mom especially. She wants to see me safe and secure in a marriage but I don’t feel the same.
then its not for you. your mom des what moms do, they want your best and worry. i hope she understands your happy doesnt include children or marriage. if you are open and honest about that with partners right from the get go. then you are absolutly on the moral high ground too. own your choices and live your best life. good luck to you
@@cristinarivera5707 same! Idk why. I’ve dated before but even during these relationships my exs suffered a lot along with me even when they were in love and truly wanted to help me and make it work smh. I don’t wanna do that to anyone any more
I'm single because men in my city don't approach me, and I'm not really in a mental space where I care to make any effort, just being honest lol. Too many bigger things to focus on for me at the moment. I'm 25 and I've dated here and there, but nothing serious because they were all ill-suited for me. Maybe when I'm 30 or so I'll venture out and try again, but right now, I'm going to enjoy being single lol
Tbh I think this can be a waste of your “prime” Date and gain experiences that your 20s can bring easier than the time after that. You will see as time goes forward how the reaction changes when you tell people your age. It’s not fair. But it’s the general truth of society.
@@flowerjade5938 why when it keeps failing. I was lucky only bc I went after a guy than hoping the guys would come for me. Hint the guys I approached myself were 10 x better then the guys who " chased" me but that's not always everyone's experience
LMAO that part of the husband falling through the roof and landing on your lap... xD OMG its SOOOO relatable. I feel I'm just waiting until it hits me in the face (not literally of couse but you get the feeling). That I either fell madly in love with somebody and we get married in like 3 months and go life up in the hills or I be the cool aunt with a bunch of tattoes and dogs and stories to tell but no husband.
It went the cool aunt way for me. But apparently that's just another horror scenario in the same lane as the crazy cat lady, as I keep seeing jokes about it on tv shows. I thought being a cool aunt was kinda...cool, but every week my TV seems to tell me I'm pathetic.
@@santanacaipirinha9536 I feel you in an spiritual level because I always fear to become "the crazy cat lady". I have all my faith in my brother having kids or he's going to just ruin my plans lol. But seriously talking I hate how society (through tv and general media) pressure women to be "the mom" and "the wife" like let me be wtf. Finding a good partner to make a life with is hard enough without ppl asking when are u going to get married?
@@stephanievillalobos1111 Well, I've reached an age where nobody asks me that anymore. I'm still figuring out if that's better or worse. I'm sure your brother will come through. And if people keep annoying you about getting married just tell them you're still waiting for approval from your coven of witches. That usually shuts them up.
I can't entirely relate to your content, but I do appreciate the things you share and talk about Quite eye opening and interesting to learn about your lived experience. I've never really thought and known that there's this particular side to life.
I was always told not to date coworkers, well I ended up dating a marrying a person I worked with. There are so many “rules” we’re told to follow, that we really should question. Everything is grey, everything is nuanced. I also made more than him and he looked awful on paper. 7 years later and I love him more everyday, we’re doing just fine. If I had followed these dumb rules, I wouldn’t have given him a chance at all.
I have tried dating everything race, different type of personality and in different stages in life. I started a Dominican guy that's racially ambiguous, have a big personality, super understanding and by all means not perfect.. but I'm not either lol.. I would say go out and date. if you don't like it drop, if you like it stay. And I almost dropped the guy I'm with right now, but he's persistent and I like persistent personally.
I feel the you aren’t trying reason. For the time being I’ve given up as I’ve run into the same issues when meeting people and frankly people are exhausting to deal with. Im at the place where I’m good being alone. That said my scenario is different from yours as I’ve been in relationships for the last twenty years and right now I would rather be by myself. There’s certain things I want to do and being in a relationship just cramps my style. Also I see too many people in relationships that aren’t happy yet they stay. It’s actually a little depressing really. I’m at that point where for now I would rather curl up with a good book then be bothered trying to meet someone and being disappointed AGAIN. Maybe next year.
Excellent point when you responded to people saying there's nothing wrong w being single, saying there's nothing wrong w not wanting to be single too. People can be such hypocrites in the guise of wisdom.
I honestly felt really comfortable being single ,then there came a certain age i felt like i was getting too old turning 20 never experiencing a kiss or nothing,i gave it a shot. I remember me questioning if i really loved this person or not.Then he said something that threw me off because we barely started dating he said ,if we're still together by next year i think i wanna marry you ." That's when i knew yeah...i am in no way ready for this i knew it was the lack of love i just didn't feel for him. I took a two year break felt really happy being single ( i had plenty of guy friends to talk to i just wanted to interact.) Fast-forward now, i have my second boyfriend and he's pretty cool(:
I just saw your video about not having kids and I wanted to tell you this: you. are. such. a. wonderful. woman. ❤️ Can't wait to watch aaaall of your videos cause you're such an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and pain. I learn a lot from you and respect you highly. And if I could I would straight away send you the prince charming you deserve sis! 🌺 Keep going we love you!
Definitely needed this. I’m 26 and I’ve never dated or been in any sort of relationship. The one time I tried the guy looked at me like I was a crazy unicorn that he wanted to conquer by getting me drunk to have sex. I legit ran while tipsy from that situation. Like I desire to be in a healthy normal relationship but my anxiety and fear keep me held up. I even joked with my friend that I need someone to knock on my door for it to work. It just feels like I’ve ran out of time and the older I get the more “not normal” it is for me to have no experience like everyone else but I don’t even know where to start
I was abused as a child and have only started therapy in adulthood. I date one guy in my early 20's and it was too triggering for me. I have then mixed between wanting a relationship and hiding from it. Now I am throwing my all into getting healing, building trust and becoming the best version of myself. But when people ask me why I am still single I never know what to say. Also I don't think it's my time. I am a person of faith and I am waiting on God's timing. It's not been easy watching most of my siblings are all married and have kids. I am so happy I found your channel!
My four friends found their current boyfriend trough social media or dating app. Its hard to find someone unless your back in collage, highschool or something.
Good point! By blaming people for being single, "helpful" ones claim that they have achieved perfection and that's how they found a match. I never realized that before. Very perceptive of you!
How did you live my life. I am an auntie but I went through very similar situations before you did. I do not blame anyone but I had no brothers and my dad was not in my day to day life. I was terrified of male-female interactions, and then when I grew and became more social, folks were paired up.
Ok so I already watched this video but I'm coming back to leave a comment for another video from 4 mths ago where you turned comments off .... you made a little joke about only having 1 subscriber lol ... I just wanna say, girl you are awesome. So awesome in fact that I'm going back and watching your older videos. I love your take on situations, insight, honesty and humor. I know we all like to crack jokes at our own expense but give yourself credit 🙂 I'm confident I'm one of many who watches you consistently 💫💗
I’m single because I tend to attract toxic men. I got tired of being taken for granted. I’m raising a beautiful little girl now and don’t trust anyone around her or me. I only have enough energy for her on top of my schooling, my business and my job. I just don’t trust men anymore
You do attract what you put out. For myself I realized hey, I’m not 100% my best self and this is why i attract these broken people, being aware of it and changing how I chose who I dated and why I liked them it was a lot easier to see who is genuinely interested in me for the right reasons.
I just saw your video on being childless and that the comments were turned off. Even though I an married and have two children, I emphasize with your experience and found your video courageous and very needed. There are many women in your shoes who choose to stay broken over societal beliefs that they couldn’t fulfill instead of looking beyond it and charting a path that can be equally fulfilling. My heart went out to you as you told your story. I don’t know why they are so many negative on this commentary,considering that this is a very common story in our community.
I mess them up with "because I left my husband". lol! I wish that would make them scatter but by my age 40 in September most single people have had a long term relationship that broke down.
This was a raw and honest account of being black and dating. Even will you feel your a winner your discounted. Even if you make 6 figures your still passed up on.
Sooo I just watched your video “Why I’ll never have kids” and I just needed to say THANK YOU!! Although I do not have the desire to be a mother, I have a similar desire to be a wife but like you, I’ve struggled in the dating/social world my whole life. Becoming someone’s wife is so dear to my heart but I realize that I’ve been living my life in preparation of that and it hasn’t happened yet. I’m 33 and most of my friends are married and have had or are trying to have children. Just this weekend I told myself that it’s time to focus on what I have going on and not what I don’t have even though it’s what I want. It’s painful to accept where you are in life when it’s not how you would like it to be, but acceptance is the pathway to happiness regardless of your circumstances. So again I just needed to let you know that your voice was understood and very encouraging.
Hey! Very good video! I’d just like to add on to why I was single for a long time. I was chasing people who didn’t want a relationship. This could tie into your point of low self esteem but instead of not letting another into my life I was trying too hard for their validation This only changed when I met my person and I was able to self reflect and they challenged me to face these issues. That’s all! Thx
Would love if you expanded your thoughts about reason 3, being too picky...what it means to settle, having too high a standard, "Humbling ourselves" this will tie well with your pretty privilege video.
I crossed over into “if its meant to be…” territory in my early 30s. I was basically giving up. I watched my girlfriends having varying degrees of success. Two in particular really treated it like a job and kept trying regularly, which I admire. One ended up married. One ended up in a long-term relationship with a guy where neither of them sees it ever turning into living together or marriage but both tried so hard for so long they probably will settle for a long-term commitment that never gets to moving in together level. I get it having seen how hard my friend tried to meet someone for several years beforehand.
Your content is so authentic. I'm a unicorn and rainbows type of girl but I realize that's not for everyone and I respect your grit. I also love the way you package thoughts and ideas. Well done.
My suggestion for people that are open to new partnerships is for them to frequent the venues, events, and activities that they would like to enjoy with their future mates. We are more likely to meet someone that we want to be with if they are doing the same things that we like to do.
If my marriage fails, I'd be single. I'm over 30, have a kid, I'm not friendly, I have very few hobbies, school debt, I don't do a damn thing during vacation, I am not really interested in being happy, just go to work and then go have dinner. 😐🤷🏾♀️
I resonate most with the idea of not having met your "person" or "people" yet. I have always seen that people meet mates when they are just living life...at the grocery store, in class, at work or even through friends. I think you have to do your part to make yourself visible, whether that is proritizing going somewhere weekly or putting up a profile on several dating sites, but i also think the factors of being in the right place at the right time and being energetically aligned may play a part, although these things seem to be beyond our control. It dsnt matter how suitable you think you are, if timing doesnt allow you to be in the vicinity or eyesight of someone who could be a compatible friend or partner (and im not saying that only one person can qualify) it may take forever to meet
![BRASIL vs. URUGUAY [1-1] | RESUMEN | ELIMINATORIAS SUDAMERICANAS | FECHA 12](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/-hWBAuxF1eY/mqdefault.jpg)
Over the years I have found that people tend to have a hard time not seeing their own experience as the key to success. People who found their partners by going out there and looking will tell you to make more of an effort. The ones who just happened to have their partner dropped into their lap will tell you not to try so hard, "it will happen when you stop looking". There is no ONE way that guarantees success for everyone just because that was the way for you. But more frustrating for me has been the tendency to always look for what others are doing wrong. It's the "but what was she wearing?" variant of the relationship world. If you're not in one, you must be doing something wrong. Because if that's not the case, there might be things out of our control like...plain bad luck. People have a very hard time with the notion of not being in control of every aspect of life. Reasons must be found and the reason they're most comfortable with is you.
Yes beautifully said!
Very true. I also think people overlook the fact that finding someone has always been difficult. That's why arranged marriages, and matchmakers exist. That's why most cultures have elaborate courtship rituals, and most people ended up just marrying the people that were in proximity to them.
@@ladybluelotus Exactly. And then it all comes back to people not being able to see past their own experience. THEY were successful, so surely you will be also. The amount of times I've seen or heard people guarantee others their time would come...I wanted to go all bitter old lady-like and tell them not to listen because they might never find anyone but I guess I'm a softy at heart, so I always let it go.
You said it right. I needed to read this. Thank you🙏🏾😁‼️
As someone who got very lucky with romance, the best advice that has made sense to me is to just be the standard of the kind of person you want to attract, like work on being the best version of yourself (NOT to say you need to be there yet to meet someone and be happy together, Lord knows I ain't there yet), and in the meantime, I think the rest really is luck. I got lucky. A lot of people don't, and in most cases it has little to do with what someone is doing right or wrong (unless one's personality is literally toxic and trash, but I imagine this to be a minority in the grand scheme of humanity).
Admittedly I don't even know why I clicked on this video because I know that it's not even for me, but I love the perspective that has been taken here. I think younger me would have appreciated it 😅 I hope this doesn't come off as trying to hijack or make this about me. Just wanted to contribute to the conversation.
A good friend of mine's met her boyfriend at her home. He was her AT&T technician. So yep, all she had to do was open her door, literally🤣
Dude was a delivery 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My best friend needed help when she was moving. She found this group on Facebook with people looking for small jobs and hired a guy. A month later they were together and now 2 years after waiting a baby. So yep it is possible 😊
That’s cute haha
My mom was babysitting at her neighbors, while my dad was visiting his family... which were the neighbors. She opened the door, and there he was.
@@Iroh12345 That is so cute 🥰🥰🥰
I stopped dead in my tracks when you said, "someone delivers a package, and all of sudden, you guys are engaged" - that's literally my story lmao. I was like, "does she follow me on IG and heard me say that?" LOL! So, true story: I was minding my business last year, not in search of a man at alllll. I went downstairs to the mailroom in my building to get a package, the package was missing, and the guy behind the counter who was trying to help me was new (or so I thought cause I had never seen him before) and I gave him a compliment, "Okay fresh line up!" - his hair was freshly cut. Fast forward 11 hours, he ends up finding the package, bringing it upstairs to my unit, aannnnddd.... we're engaged.
So yeah, these things definitely do happen!
It's giving rom-com love story and we love to see it.
Hes black.
I got chills of joy. Thank you for sharing 🤗❤️
pretty privilege
Wow I love this
In my experience guys are very nice in the beginning…until they’re not! Being single is peaceful and I don’t feel safe in romantic relationships. I love my family, friends and colleagues. Romantic relationships on the other hand have brought me emotional trauma and humiliation. I haven’t dated much in my 30’s. I avoid it. I just can’t picture that part of my life as peaceful and safe.
Same. They don't feel safe to me either. Traumatic abuse ended my marriage.
Agreed. It's pretty strange. Like how does one flip like that?! It's scary.
Sounds like lovebombing, sister.
Hello, I pinned this. This is amazing.
@@hellostephco84 Coming from you I’m soooo flattered ☺️ Thank you
That is your color sis!
So true with dating apps, ppl will match with you and show some interest but won't continue to pursue you just because they become mesmerized by the plethora of options they have on the app
Thank you. Some people are just mesmerized by the idea of having options to the point of paralysis. They can't make a decision because they don't feel they should have too. As long as there are options to be had why settle down?! People are just accessories to them.
@@ladybluelotus 💯
I really don’t get it because they have options but what kind of options?! Not all 50 matches they have are actually the person for them
@@EspritsFantomes exactly, they are greedy idiots.
That means they are the wrong person.
The first half is completely true for me. I’m so glad someone finally shed light to it. I believe when I’m completely comfortable with my life from my finances, living situation down to my health that I will meet someone but right now I’m picking up the pieces and trying to figure myself out and build my confidence back up. I would love to meet someone and be in a relationship but I also want to be happy with who I am first.
Yes, you have to love yourself first.
Yes. It's so important.
I absolutely agree with you👏🏾‼️
Same & good for you 🤞🏽
Your first reason is more relatable than you think.
*looks around* yup. no one here, yup. tool embarsed by my situation to even think about engaging, yup.
super relatable, yup.
*looks around* yup yup.
It is actually the main only reason I’m still single and never been in a relationship at 25. I remember my mom telling something like that but I didn’t really understand. Now I understand what meant every she said is why subconsciously avoided people who showed interest me. I was very insecure and didn’t want to be vulnerable because I was afraid of what people think of me. I’m still to this day kinda of like that but I’m working on improving. But sometimes I feel like it’s too late 🥲
I think this is probably the most common reason
@@itsionab3012 its never too late. You'll be fine.
Yes!
I’ve been single all my life, 24 years old 🙌🏾
same girl!
Same! Single all my life at 24 :')
same for me im 28
Same here, 24!
same as well, 25! 🌞
Reason 1 is the most relatable, so many of us don’t think we are worthy of those we are attracted to and a lot of women have settled for those they THINK they should be with or biological clocks start ticking.
These reasons were spot on! We have to meet sometime in Post pandemic life. We are so much alike! To be over 30 in no relationship and without kids is a unique experience many can not relate to. I hope you consider a meet up for us ladies and gents in the future.
Well, how about this single folks... Imagine after 33 years of being single you are finally partnered to someone who you thought was amazing only to discover they are NOT in fact your person.... Buuuuutttt this realization comes only AFTER you already married them a year later and had a child the following year. 😑 Trust me. There are plights on both sides of this fence but I assure you having now experienced both (single and married), I'd much rather just have me and my emotions to deal with than be to be linked to an incompatible partner "until death do we part." 😔Choose wisely my friends.
Iv1908. Congratulations on having a beautiful child to call your own. Your little one is the good thing of that misstep. It was only a misstep. You aren’t the only one who has done it. This thing called life has good...& bad.
@@davisholman8149 Thank you for reply and encouragement Davis. You are so right about my little one being the prize out of this. I definitely am super appreciative and blessed to have the opportunity to be his mother. And, yes, sadly many others have had misfortune to make this mistake. Life is definitely something so for sure but it's definitely a blessing to see beauty in all it has to offer. My best to you, Davis. 🙂
Well a beautiful child came out of this relationship. You are blessed!
@@missdesireindependance5194 You are so right! Thank you! 🤗
@iv1908 I’ve am right there with you. It’s a gut punch and you feel a bit bamboozled for throwing away the freedom of singleness for this relationship that everyone says is the right next step. One thing i can say is that I’ve never had anxiety about, been stressed by, or hated being single.
Listening to you is so therapeutic, and you’re funny! Never stop.
I feel safe and seen here. Thank you for your content! I’m so glad I found your channel. ❤️😌
Same here! I’m a few yrs older than you, BUT almost every u said was relatable!
One of the safest places on RUclips🙌🏾‼️
@@knightleyemma I know right! Its like most of everything Stephanie talk's about, I can relate to. Its just such a relief to feel understood.
"So long story short... I don't really know what I'm talking about" 😂😂 I felt that sis LOL
Honestly though, this might be one of my favorite videos of yours. I could definitely see myself in being afraid of being vulnerable, being picky, and going through phases between not trying and trying to hard. I completely agree on hating hearing those things though! Especially the "You have to love yourself" "or improve xyz first and THEN you'll find them." 🙄 the right person should love us as we are and you're right that being in a relationship or not is in no way a reflection of who we are as people! (And the Ted Bundy thing hammers it home lol) I love that whole section at the end, it definitely added a good balance to the practical reasons and makes me want to check the book out. It's so easy to think there's something wrong with yourself when society keeps selling this narrative of relationships.
I'm just going to put myself out there, I havent dated/talked in 6 years because of depression, insecurities, emotional stress feeling like I have to have a safe space, working over nights because of anxiety not being able to relate to my peers (30s) . That's alot of burden to put on other people so I rather stay away, it's one thing to be alone but being lonely is a constant battle for me I often go to dinner and places alone and I don't have the most approachable face 😅. I remember what it's like to feel loved by a significant other tho my longest relationship was 6 months but for some it's nearly impossible. Thank you for creating a open honest space.
Relatable 🙋🏾♀️
Thank YOU for telling your story.
Thank you for sharing your story🙏🏾💯
Did you meet your person?
I feel like a major reason why so many women are in bad relationships or convince themselves that their relationship is good and non toxic is because they don't want to be blamed. It's so weird how we place such huge value on romantic relationships to the point that we pick a part single women as if something's wrong with them for being single. So you either stay single and receive hate for it or date the first guy who's interested in you. And I can tell so many women have low standards. They might seem picky because they want a guy whose at least 6 feet but then don't have much standards when it comes to the actual important things and end up letting so many things slide and compromising for the man's benefit despite it hurting the woman. So many insecure women enter relationships, probably a lot more insecure women are in relationships than those that are single. Especially because a lot want to feel validated by a man. I think we should be preaching the message that it's okay to be single rather than something must be wrong with you if you're single. Especially since a lot of partnered up people have plenty of problems individually and together.
Fully agree. Single women are also constantly being told (and telling themselves) to take that time to "work on themselves" (whatever the hell that means), as if they're somehow defective and need to fix that. Nobody ever tells people in relationships that. It's this whole idea of having achieved the goal once you landed someone. After that you're apparently a perfect human being that no longer requires "work" or it doesn't matter because you got the guy so this work is no longer necessary.
This 100%! I honestly just laugh at how weird the society's standards can be. So if you have a happy content life and you're single something is off but when you are miserable with a ring on your finger it's all normal. Social conventions are really just designed to screw you over rather than help you make progress in your life.
@@santanacaipirinha9536 Actually it seems that you have to work on yourself in some fashion all the time. And I've been guilty of saying and doing this as well.
Single women are meant to do internal work, single men external work (on their purpose). If they ever get into relationships, then they'll need to put effort and work into that.
And that doesn't even factor in the day job and children.
I'm exhausted writing this.
@@toomuchinformation Ah yes. "Doing the internal work" or "becoming the best version of yourself". It's hard enough just to drag yourself through the day. I think the real work is not worrying so much about what other people think. Because, ironically, the people who think you should "work" to change yourself are very frequently people with no self-reflection whatsoever.
Why would someone comment “you don’t need to analyze everything” on a commentary/analysis video lmfao it’s legit comical to me. Like people really do come to say the most useless things
Contrary to popular belief, a lot of people can relate to reason number one, it’s just riddled with a lot of shame
Precisely. It's far more common than people will admit. And honestly there's nothing wrong with taking an honest assessment of where you stand in relation to others. There are far too many people that are in relationships because they are insecure, and then hurt their partners when they've gained their confidence.
That tweet is me! I’m waayyy too comfortable being alone. I put no effort into dating and most of the time I don’t really feel bad about it. Not sure how to change that tbh.
Same and I don't see a need to change. We don't have to change as long as we're happy
Why is this me😭
Enjoying your time alone is a good thing.
And I believe that whoever is meant to be with you won't pass you, and you'll accommodate each other in a way that you both see fit.
Me too - wish I could give Stephanie a few pints of my ‘comfortable without a partner’ blood.
Yeah, I don't think I would even be a good partner at this point. I am so out of practice.
Wow, you blessed us with two videos in two days. :)
Dating apps = paradox of choice
People become very picky about inconsequential stuff, especially in larger cities.
111 views and 17 likes?? C'mon yall, do better!! The good sis is giving us sage advice and vulnerability. As a fully grown woman, I appreciate this. I've been married for 14 years and no kids, that in itself is taboo for women, but I'm finally ok with it and the decisions I've made...💕💞💕
You should really do a support group.I feel like alot of women are having the issues that you address but unfortunately some us dont have a safe place to open up 😔
Shit, men too. Im 29 and NEVER been in a relationship. Its SOOOOOOOOO embarrassing
@@13579hee Thank you for speaking on the behalf of men too. Men too have a hard time dating or being single for a long time too… And there is nothing bad about that. We need to normalize the single life / not rushing to date a bunch of people (in the same year)💯
@@JulianSteve I get that 100% but I don't seem myself as "single". I think "single" is for people who've dated before. I REALLY just feel like a lose 😣
@@13579hee You should go ahead and start a group for men, then. It would be much safer for us and more beneficial for YOU all if you would go your own way and find your own tribe of like minded men. Good luck and take care. Bye!
@@nomihagan girl 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
I really wanna rebuttal but Im too busy laughing. This made you come off as hurt. Do you wanna heal beloved, or do you wanna fight with men? Cause the feminist in me believes VERY deeply in women NOT centering men in their lives the way you just did. Steph speaks on her experiences as a woman but she's also used gender neutral wording across many of her videos at times. She knows that women can't be the only people having these experienced. There is a way that she centers women and her womanly experience while calling men out on their bullshit without centering men 😊
You should've done that. There are SO many women commenting under this video......and you chose to reply to the guy whose comments had less than 15 likes.....😬
Also, I’d love for people to stop policing your opinions. BW don’t have to explain what a hypothesis is. 💁🏾♀️
M'y opinion : too much options. Before the internet, you had a few options within a close circle (city, school, family, friends, work). And when you met someone , you knew that you were not going to meet hundreds other persons. So that person was the right person for you. And after meeting the person: you had to work on the relationship, the harder you work, the better is.
Too many options is true but at the end of the day u truly connect with the one only. Saying back then u just had to go along with the 1 person u met sounds like settling 😩
@@nawal10 we have to settle at some point. We can't be w all the wonderful people that might be right for us. It is not physically possible. Edit: or be happy and alone. Several options now but every now and then we can settle :/ 🤔
@@nawal10 there is no such a thing as the one and only. If you meet someone to whom you are a little attracted and whith whom you can have conversations. And let s say that there is no other person left for you, i am sure you will do all you can to make the necessary compromises. You can make that person the one and only.
I feel like this whole idea of settling has become a big reason a lot of us are single (well I’m not single but) my point is always thinking something better will come along makes a lot of us miss out on the good things we have right in front of us. No man will be everything we want and we will never be everything they want as a woman just my take. I know for myself I found a good man treats me with respect loving and makes great money. He isn’t over six foot with a six pack though so I had people tell me I was “settling and keep looking” but I realized finding a good man out here is hard when you find one don’t take it for granted thinking something better will come along. I’m happy I didn’t listen to my friends because I’m on a Baecation in Mykonos celebrating our anniversary 🥳.
@@Thatcaramelchic I feel like women do settle but men never settle.learn the psychy of men.
I HATE the excuse "you're too picky" ugh I can't fake attraction and chemistry.
exactly
the people arnt wrong thought. if you are very picky, then own it.
if you only play the lottery with 300 million chances or less. you basically never going to win. cmpared to someone playing scratch cards. winning a smaller amount but winning something at all.
its ok to play a super high stakes game. but like winning the lottery there is a certain dillusonality if you are actually seriously banking with a win. 300 million times to 1, you are gonna loose. but thats ok. its the game you choose to play. you need to though be away, ychance are super high, you arnt walking away with a prize.
if you own that, consciously and deliberately. great for you. you a high rolled. you bet the house and the car and the bet didnt work out. thats ok.
its your choice and people needed to respect that.
Honestly, I worry that I may be too picky. The thing is I don’t ask for much, I just want someone to match what I have to offer. People assume I’m single because I’m looking for a tall handsome rich fella, I just don’t want to be the only person putting in effort when I receive nothing back. We all have flaws, I have been attracted to people I never thought I would be, but I find myself getting super angry when I have to force myself to like someone because people keep saying I’m picky. Hell even after multiple dates I’ve tried to find some type of attraction to the other person.
@@jbb8261 true true. if we are generally acceptingof our fellow human thngs woul be a whole lot better.
accepting and picky. being accepting is the exact opposite of being picky. cant be both. its a contradiction in its self
The way you present subject matters is in a class of your own. Your greatness is being noticed and will grow rapidly in a world full of uneducated airheads. Thank you for having the verbiage to deliver VALUABLE content to this RUclips platform 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼
I bet she gives the best presentations at work, seriously.. she is one of the most articulate people I have seen on RUclips, and she conveys her feelings very well.. everybody else is doing baby talk and random talk while she's shooting darts to the heart!
Ted Bundy had a girlfriend true! But it’s also easy for a man to get a woman, then a woman to get a man.
A WHOLE 'NOTHER VIDEO HONESTLY lol.
I'm 43, still unmarried, still no children. I go out on dates and am always asked the "question". I just shrug my shoulders and give them answer #1. I'm not insecure or clingy or thirsty or anything like that. This video puts things in perspective.
your low self exteem phase hits home hard. bless you
Life is about living for me. Men are just people. I want my own life and happiness separate from my partner. 🤩😍 I have faith we will all work on ourselves and focus on being alone with ourselves to be better every single day🥰🥰
So happy that you decided to answer you calling by starting a RUclips channel. Love your channel ❤️
I've been avoiding downloading dating apps for years lol. That color compliments you very well.
I agree. Brown hair is her color. Such a beautiful woman. I lover her eyes, her authenticity and her spirit.
I’m on one right now and I notice no guy is getting to know me they just stop talking …
@@tamaraa9846 i hope you answered with more than a single work (edit: word) every now and again.
if i engage a convo and the other person, just drops a short answer, and nothing more than simply answering a direct question. i take what dignity i have left and go, in my mind i kind of curse them out a bit for wasting my time too.
(edit:
-omg pinnaple on pizza... right?
-uhuh
-......
-......
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu *prances away like a glittery bronie*
)
You aren't missing anything on these apps!
Do you want a white mate preferably or a light-skinned mate?
You brought up so many great points in this video! I think what a lot of single people want to hear is very different than what they NEED to hear if they really want help. Everyone wants the problem to be environmental and societal but no one wants to be honest about our own flaws.
I recently realized that I've been unknowingly sabotaging my dating life by never allowing myself the risk of connecting emotionally to people without overanalyzing every single aspect of the person.
Be honest with yourself about your emotions yall
You have curated such a safe space here. Thank you.
Thank you for your content, this is really helping me🙏🏾
I was getting comfortable in the whole "he will find me when it happens" idea while staying indoor all day.
Imma get out more...
I’m single because I’m obese and I don’t feel confident dressing up nicely or putting myself together. I feel comfortable wearing a big tee and big sweat pants. My undone hair and acne contributes to the problem. I completely stop taking care of myself. Today I stepped on the scale at weighed 260. Per covid I weighed 170. I have to start taking care of myself again. It’s not good for my mental or physical.
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
Same Here! Plus size, overweight, obese, whatever you call it, I love my pandemic leggings and a T-shirt as well. Just told my NP today that I have to do better to become more healthier. I don’t know if that will attract the man of my dreams or not but it’s a benefit for me health wise.
You’ve identified the problem now begin the work and HAVE FUN. I’m 240 pounds, 25 years old, 5”6 and this year I decided to dress for my size and put more effort into myself. I wear more dresses, and skirts, and if I do put on pants or a sweatshirt, now that it’s fall, I make sure to make it nice fitting to compliment my shape. You have to work on self acceptance, and then self approvement will follow
This is something I never hear anyone talk about but I experienced is males would say "you don't look single:; 'you don't look like you're looking:. To this day I don't know how to look single. I remember a guy who lived in my apartment building said I don't look single and said
he thought my spouse was overseas or something.
What does single look like? Immodest clothes? I’m so lost at that commentary. I’m wearing all my disney princess clothing. Idc anymore. I’m me. Like it or move around 😂
What he meant is that you don't look desperate and you radiate an inner contentment.
Love the way you articulate your thoughts
I could listen to her speak for hours.
@@priscillabusulwa892 ok I thought it was just me lol
100% agree.
I’m glad men are watching this. The manosphere seems to think we are just IG models & baby mommas.
“If it’s meant to be, he’ll be the Amazon delivery man”🤣🤣🤣
That’s what happen to my niece. She met her fiancée through Door Dash.
This like having a big sister that's already been through it all lol. I really appreciate your videos, it can be hard to find content for regular people now a days so thank you!
If you are aware of yourself and what you want it is easy to weed out people. There should be some deal breakers set beforehand that you don't bend no matter how attractive the individual is. I also have noticed different people can bring out either the worst or best of me. I can repeat the same action and I get very different results. I don't believe there is ever a right time for love. If you're waiting for the perfect time it may never happen or you may loose out in a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I love all the frequent & recent uploads lately, keep them coming. Can we justbe friends already? I can relate to you soooo much and I'm 38. I wish I knew more people like you in real life. And sis, spill the hair deets. I need me one of those too.
Outre synthetic wigs on amazon!
What you said about men having a bunch of options is so true! My boyfriend mentioned that dating apps are unfair to men because you only get a certain amount of swipes or else you have to pay and that swiping randomly on everyone works the numbers in your favor.
He said " ita a number's game for guys". This is EXACTLY why there are limitations now. Too many men are playing games and not being INTENTIONAL when using the apps. That's why it's so easy to just dispose of people and ghost them like it's nothing.
I relate so much, and this is why the question why are you single is so off putting bc when you’re single bc you have an issue being vulnerable, how do you explain that without being vulnerable, especially when you’re being judged in the moment
And trust and believe he's gonna use that explanation against you. It's ridiculous. 🤦🏾♀️
I hate that people think becoming less picky is "lowering standards". Being self reflective about where these preferences come from and learning with time what is truly important for a compatible relationship is called growth. Maturity is a good thing. Sidenote on #2: my roommate hit on me. I joked that I basically only had to take 10 steps out of bed (tiny NYC apartment) - and still ended up single. (I politely turned him down as he was 10+ years my junior (25ish vs 37) and we were most definitely in different stages in life.)
Generally, people aren't telling people who make reasonable compromises that they are lowering their standards. They are telling people who accept partners who treat them poorly and bring nothing to the relationship that they are lowering their standards.
I am picky. I'm not lowering my standards
I was trying to be accountable 😭😭 I support pickiness as long as it's not superficial (but even labeling something as superficial is subjective so 🤷🏾♀️)
Better to be single than in bad company. I'd never do an age gap either.
@@user-kr2ty9vk5n exactly. I have a friend doing that. Her boyfriend loves her and is nice and sweet but he has no drive at all. She's the only ambitious one in the relationship. He's been promising her to get his IT certs over 2 years now. I can't imagine being with someone who has no drive.
I’ve never been in a romantic relationship of any kind lol. No dates, hugs, or kiss, nothing. I’m 25! I don’t think it bothers me too much but I worry what other people might think.
Actually data states at least half of of people under 25 generation have never had a intimate relationship. Your not alone, your one of the majority.
Girl you're good! I was 25 and went completely crazy thinking I was behind. Four long years later I'm realizing how young I was and there's no rush on YOUR timing. 💗
Thanks guys 😣💕
Have you considered dating apps, I think getting a date is now a lot easier, but finding a good relationship not so much lol
@@richild3967 lol I downloaded Tinder for like 2days then deleted it 🤣 I spoke to a nice guy and then the next day he tells me he has a girlfriend and was looking for a threesome partner 💀✋ also I think I’m boring with dry social skills when speaking to new people so I don’t use dating apps really.
If it make anyone feel any better 'Karen's' are usually married 🤣... So there's still hope
I say things like this to myself....and I still don't feel better 😅😅😅
AND the people on My 600lb life.
I DONT mean to body shame, but that totally refutes the whole " you aren't working on your appearance". Lots of unconventionally attractive people are married.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
And that's why they're Karen's they all clearly regret getting married 😅😅😅 and just like us society forced them to get with someone.
You are so cute! You look beautiful in the thumbnail ♥️😭
Mine is trauma. I’m working on making myself whole because that’s MY job. I want a healthy relationship. I can’t have that if I haven’t dealt with my own issues and since I haven’t gotten to a place where I know I won’t always project my experiences on someone else, I know I’m not ready to go back to dating yet. I’ve been around enough toxicity to know that dealing with my own shit is step one. That and the fact that making myself whole is a whole ass job man. It takes so much energy and commitment to myself to grow and I currently don’t have the energy to fill my own cup while also building a healthy relationship with someone else.
I had a second and final date with a guy two days ago. I felt nothing. That's probably my trauma but that could also be that we had nothing in common.
@@marleyhill34 It's hard to separate.
@@anissa2361 It is. I learn't from Abuse group and Abuse individual counselling, to listen to my gut and my feelings. It's better for everyone involved when you don't get into unhealthy situations.
Love this!
The insecure one is relatable though. I’ve been feeling that way my whole life, not wanting to let someone in cos they gonna see me in a way that I see myself. “The secrets”
“Too picky”.. 🙄. Because I don’t wanna date a felon or a grocery cart attendant or (insert minimum wage job) or abusive..I’m too picky.
It’s not that we just wanna find an average guy making at least 50k with a career (not a dead end job) who is emotionally stable & is ready for commitment. Doesn’t seem like that should be too hard to ask but unfortunately..
With both my long-term relationships, ironically, I met them at home.
One was when my roommates had a party and he was a friend of a friend. One was someone I met via online forums where we chatted just as friends for over a year before even thinking of flirting. We have been together now 6 years and going strong.
I feel extremely lucky. This is why I am still so interested in your videos on single-ness. I don't feel like I learned anything at all by meeting them both this way. If I were single tomorrow, I wouldn't have a clue what to do.
You're so funny and I can totally relate. I have struggled with Big Shame for a really long time about my work situation. Due to depression, panic attacks and ptsd I've been in and out of work, mostly out of work, for several years. I've volunteered a lot in that time and studied to train in a new career but it always feels so awful telling prospective dates because today we're all expected to work full time and earn good money. I'd love to be earning good money but in the past every time I was in work (including as a teacher) my mental health would often deteriorate in this Catch 22 situation. I'm working on releasing the shame and also working on going self employed. I have noticed that when I talk to men online dating they usually have their own Big Shame secret too, and often it's something I consider a non issue like dyslexia, but to them it's this huge issue they think they'll get rejected for. I think as we get older all of us have baggage and insecurities and it's about finding another person who is comfortable with our particular baggage and vice versa.
I recently rejected a proposal lol. Idk if I’m blocking my own blessings but I’ve been turned off by men for a while and I’m too old I should be excited for marriage and kids soon, but I’m not. I feel sick when the topic is brought up and I can see it hurts my mom especially. She wants to see me safe and secure in a marriage but I don’t feel the same.
I am the same...
then its not for you. your mom des what moms do, they want your best and worry. i hope she understands your happy doesnt include children or marriage.
if you are open and honest about that with partners right from the get go. then you are absolutly on the moral high ground too.
own your choices and live your best life.
good luck to you
@@Pssst.ByTheWay thank u for the kind and wise words 🙌🏽🙏🏽. I feel much better and more confident now to own how I feel and not feel guilty about it.
I completely relate to this. I don’t like dating at all and the idea of being in a romantic relationship puts me in fight or flight mode.
@@cristinarivera5707 same! Idk why. I’ve dated before but even during these relationships my exs suffered a lot along with me even when they were in love and truly wanted to help me and make it work smh. I don’t wanna do that to anyone any more
I'm single because men in my city don't approach me, and I'm not really in a mental space where I care to make any effort, just being honest lol. Too many bigger things to focus on for me at the moment. I'm 25 and I've dated here and there, but nothing serious because they were all ill-suited for me. Maybe when I'm 30 or so I'll venture out and try again, but right now, I'm going to enjoy being single lol
Be careful, I barely dated in my 20s - now I am 33 😂
Tbh I think this can be a waste of your “prime” Date and gain experiences that your 20s can bring easier than the time after that. You will see as time goes forward how the reaction changes when you tell people your age. It’s not fair. But it’s the general truth of society.
Random comment, but is that you in your profile picture? You're absolutely stunning!
@@flowerjade5938 why when it keeps failing. I was lucky only bc I went after a guy than hoping the guys would come for me. Hint the guys I approached myself were 10 x better then the guys who " chased" me but that's not always everyone's experience
You are young and got all the time in the world to find a partner! Just focus on you!
LMAO that part of the husband falling through the roof and landing on your lap... xD OMG its SOOOO relatable. I feel I'm just waiting until it hits me in the face (not literally of couse but you get the feeling). That I either fell madly in love with somebody and we get married in like 3 months and go life up in the hills or I be the cool aunt with a bunch of tattoes and dogs and stories to tell but no husband.
It went the cool aunt way for me. But apparently that's just another horror scenario in the same lane as the crazy cat lady, as I keep seeing jokes about it on tv shows. I thought being a cool aunt was kinda...cool, but every week my TV seems to tell me I'm pathetic.
@@santanacaipirinha9536 I feel you in an spiritual level because I always fear to become "the crazy cat lady". I have all my faith in my brother having kids or he's going to just ruin my plans lol. But seriously talking I hate how society (through tv and general media) pressure women to be "the mom" and "the wife" like let me be wtf. Finding a good partner to make a life with is hard enough without ppl asking when are u going to get married?
@@stephanievillalobos1111 Well, I've reached an age where nobody asks me that anymore. I'm still figuring out if that's better or worse. I'm sure your brother will come through. And if people keep annoying you about getting married just tell them you're still waiting for approval from your coven of witches. That usually shuts them up.
Every time you make a video i feel more seen. Its like that feeling of “ we all lived the same lives” (on twitter). Please keep making videos 💕
I can't entirely relate to your content, but I do appreciate the things you share and talk about
Quite eye opening and interesting to learn about your lived experience. I've never really thought and known that there's this particular side to life.
That is 100% true. I'm ashamed of EVERYTHING about myself
Same
@@blackheartcardigan damn😭😭😭😭😭
I was always told not to date coworkers, well I ended up dating a marrying a person I worked with. There are so many “rules” we’re told to follow, that we really should question. Everything is grey, everything is nuanced. I also made more than him and he looked awful on paper. 7 years later and I love him more everyday, we’re doing just fine. If I had followed these dumb rules, I wouldn’t have given him a chance at all.
I have tried dating everything race, different type of personality and in different stages in life. I started a Dominican guy that's racially ambiguous, have a big personality, super understanding and by all means not perfect.. but I'm not either lol..
I would say go out and date. if you don't like it drop, if you like it stay. And I almost dropped the guy I'm with right now, but he's persistent and I like persistent personally.
Uh oh a Dominican 😩😩😭😂😂🚩🚩 my first everything and I kinda changed after it. Best of luck girl!
Sara Eckel is amazing! She helped me so much to rethink all the societal reasons we're given as to why we're single.
I have that book too😃
I feel the you aren’t trying reason. For the time being I’ve given up as I’ve run into the same issues when meeting people and frankly people are exhausting to deal with. Im at the place where I’m good being alone. That said my scenario is different from yours as I’ve been in relationships for the last twenty years and right now I would rather be by myself. There’s certain things I want to do and being in a relationship just cramps my style. Also I see too many people in relationships that aren’t happy yet they stay. It’s actually a little depressing really. I’m at that point where for now I would rather curl up with a good book then be bothered trying to meet someone and being disappointed AGAIN. Maybe next year.
Excellent point when you responded to people saying there's nothing wrong w being single, saying there's nothing wrong w not wanting to be single too. People can be such hypocrites in the guise of wisdom.
I honestly felt really comfortable being single ,then there came a certain age i felt like i was getting too old turning 20 never experiencing a kiss or nothing,i gave it a shot. I remember me questioning if i really loved this person or not.Then he said something that threw me off because we barely started dating he said ,if we're still together by next year i think i wanna marry you ." That's when i knew yeah...i am in no way ready for this i knew it was the lack of love i just didn't feel for him. I took a two year break felt really happy being single ( i had plenty of guy friends to talk to i just wanted to interact.) Fast-forward now, i have my second boyfriend and he's pretty cool(:
I just saw your video about not having kids and I wanted to tell you this: you. are. such. a. wonderful. woman. ❤️
Can't wait to watch aaaall of your videos cause you're such an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and pain. I learn a lot from you and respect you highly. And if I could I would straight away send you the prince charming you deserve sis! 🌺 Keep going we love you!
Definitely needed this. I’m 26 and I’ve never dated or been in any sort of relationship. The one time I tried the guy looked at me like I was a crazy unicorn that he wanted to conquer by getting me drunk to have sex. I legit ran while tipsy from that situation. Like I desire to be in a healthy normal relationship but my anxiety and fear keep me held up. I even joked with my friend that I need someone to knock on my door for it to work. It just feels like I’ve ran out of time and the older I get the more “not normal” it is for me to have no experience like everyone else but I don’t even know where to start
I was abused as a child and have only started therapy in adulthood. I date one guy in my early 20's and it was too triggering for me. I have then mixed between wanting a relationship and hiding from it. Now I am throwing my all into getting healing, building trust and becoming the best version of myself. But when people ask me why I am still single I never know what to say. Also I don't think it's my time. I am a person of faith and I am waiting on God's timing. It's not been easy watching most of my siblings are all married and have kids. I am so happy I found your channel!
My four friends found their current boyfriend trough social media or dating app.
Its hard to find someone unless your back in collage, highschool or something.
Good point! By blaming people for being single, "helpful" ones claim that they have achieved perfection and that's how they found a match. I never realized that before. Very perceptive of you!
How did you live my life. I am an auntie but I went through very similar situations before you did. I do not blame anyone but I had no brothers and my dad was not in my day to day life. I was terrified of male-female interactions, and then when I grew and became more social, folks were paired up.
Listening to you is a simple bright light at the end of a dark tunnel ✨
Ok so I already watched this video but I'm coming back to leave a comment for another video from 4 mths ago where you turned comments off .... you made a little joke about only having 1 subscriber lol ... I just wanna say, girl you are awesome. So awesome in fact that I'm going back and watching your older videos. I love your take on situations, insight, honesty and humor. I know we all like to crack jokes at our own expense but give yourself credit 🙂 I'm confident I'm one of many who watches you consistently 💫💗
I’m single because I tend to attract toxic men. I got tired of being taken for granted. I’m raising a beautiful little girl now and don’t trust anyone around her or me. I only have enough energy for her on top of my schooling, my business and my job. I just don’t trust men anymore
@@jbb8261 Gurl, some of these dudes out here are just plain toxic all around 👀
@@jbb8261 Ummm, do let me guess, in your eyes men can do no wrong? Because…
You do attract what you put out. For myself I realized hey, I’m not 100% my best self and this is why i attract these broken people, being aware of it and changing how I chose who I dated and why I liked them it was a lot easier to see who is genuinely interested in me for the right reasons.
Focus on your child and heal. There is nothing wrong with being single.
@@jbb8261 You sound like the toxic one attacking for their own personal choices.
I just saw your video on being childless and that the comments were turned off. Even though I an married and have two children, I emphasize with your experience and found your video courageous and very needed. There are many women in your shoes who choose to stay broken over societal beliefs that they couldn’t fulfill instead of looking beyond it and charting a path that can be equally fulfilling. My heart went out to you as you told your story. I don’t know why they are so many negative on this commentary,considering that this is a very common story in our community.
“What are you single?”
Because I don’t have a boyfriend... duh
I mess them up with "because I left my husband". lol! I wish that would make them scatter but by my age 40 in September most single people have had a long term relationship that broke down.
"And I walk away, cause I can.
Too many options may kill a man."
-The Professor & La Fille Danse, Damien Rice
This was a raw and honest account of being black and dating. Even will you feel your a winner your discounted. Even if you make 6 figures your still passed up on.
Okayy I see the consistency we love to see it🤗
The first reason resonate with me sooooo very much, it's actually the first time I've heard that from someone. Definitely feel some connection
Sooo I just watched your video “Why I’ll never have kids” and I just needed to say THANK YOU!! Although I do not have the desire to be a mother, I have a similar desire to be a wife but like you, I’ve struggled in the dating/social world my whole life. Becoming someone’s wife is so dear to my heart but I realize that I’ve been living my life in preparation of that and it hasn’t happened yet. I’m 33 and most of my friends are married and have had or are trying to have children. Just this weekend I told myself that it’s time to focus on what I have going on and not what I don’t have even though it’s what I want. It’s painful to accept where you are in life when it’s not how you would like it to be, but acceptance is the pathway to happiness regardless of your circumstances. So again I just needed to let you know that your voice was understood and very encouraging.
I just love your sense of humor!
Hey! Very good video! I’d just like to add on to why I was single for a long time. I was chasing people who didn’t want a relationship. This could tie into your point of low self esteem but instead of not letting another into my life I was trying too hard for their validation
This only changed when I met my person and I was able to self reflect and they challenged me to face these issues.
That’s all!
Thx
Would love if you expanded your thoughts about reason 3, being too picky...what it means to settle, having too high a standard, "Humbling ourselves" this will tie well with your pretty privilege video.
I absolutely love your channel! 😊 I can really resonate with the majority of your content. Love you girl! 🥰💕
I love the late night uploads!
Watching this was my Wednesday night self care. Thank you !!! 😊
Girl, YES for these back to back videos!!!! I am here to consume them ALL!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I crossed over into “if its meant to be…” territory in my early 30s. I was basically giving up. I watched my girlfriends having varying degrees of success. Two in particular really treated it like a job and kept trying regularly, which I admire. One ended up married. One ended up in a long-term relationship with a guy where neither of them sees it ever turning into living together or marriage but both tried so hard for so long they probably will settle for a long-term commitment that never gets to moving in together level. I get it having seen how hard my friend tried to meet someone for several years beforehand.
'The United Nations version of the Bachelorette' you are too funny!!
Thank you for joining youtube, sis. I love your channel.❤
Your videos are so therapeutic
Your content is so authentic. I'm a unicorn and rainbows type of girl but I realize that's not for everyone and I respect your grit. I also love the way you package thoughts and ideas. Well done.
thank you for mentioning the 27 reasons book. i picked it up from my library and it’s healing things in me i didn’t even think about.
My suggestion for people that are open to new partnerships is for them to frequent the venues, events, and activities that they would like to enjoy with their future mates. We are more likely to meet someone that we want to be with if they are doing the same things that we like to do.
You'd make a good guest on the "Enjoy" Podcast @Enjoy
Ohh yea
Factual facts
If my marriage fails, I'd be single. I'm over 30, have a kid, I'm not friendly, I have very few hobbies, school debt, I don't do a damn thing during vacation, I am not really interested in being happy, just go to work and then go have dinner. 😐🤷🏾♀️
The clip of the tag in the beginning! I was literally in tears from laughing so hard! Thank you for that :)
I resonate most with the idea of not having met your "person" or "people" yet. I have always seen that people meet mates when they are just living life...at the grocery store, in class, at work or even through friends. I think you have to do your part to make yourself visible, whether that is proritizing going somewhere weekly or putting up a profile on several dating sites, but i also think the factors of being in the right place at the right time and being energetically aligned may play a part, although these things seem to be beyond our control. It dsnt matter how suitable you think you are, if timing doesnt allow you to be in the vicinity or eyesight of someone who could be a compatible friend or partner (and im not saying that only one person can qualify) it may take forever to meet
Finding good Relationships are strongly based around luck. It’s not in anyone’s control tbh