Moving On From A Narcissist's Lack Of Respect
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
- Narcissists have such a need for dominance that they persistently rationalize why it's okay to disrespect you. But simply put, you don't deserve the disrespect they pour upon you. Dr. Les Carter explains how their strategy is to sow seeds of doubt and insecurity within you. Then with the heart of a seasoned therapist, he offers multiple thoughts about how you can reorient your mind toward self-respect.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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I would rather adjust my life to their absence than to adjust my boundaries to their disrespect ✌️
Perfectly stated!
🙌🙌🙌
An oldie but a goodie.
Well said 👏
Amen. lose the Chump & find Joy
My husband of 30 years admitted that he doesn't respect me. Then added, there's nothing about me TO respect. When I think back about before we met, I was living my best life. Happy, productive, and felt good about myself. Never did I dream then that our marriage would turn into such a nightmare. Thank you, Dr Carter, for your videos.
Hope you can kick his xxx to the curb. 30 years? Omg. 🤬☠️🕳️
Don't waste anymore of your life on him. You know they don't change !! You want some happiness in your life ? Leave.
Same here. I was such a light hearted optimistic person before being subjected to such evil snaky treatment from the CN for 20 years now. Looking forward to better days very soon!!
You can, and should, eliminate their disrespect, but I guarantee you'll never forget it.
True 👍 ❤
Forget, my nut, sister, this monkey blew, my Doctor is here, im with my community, the folks that share comments, im one person, but my community is ok, its rough, ghost out, i disrespect myself, im lost, poor me, but man please help these nuts, i love them, its a heart thing
somepeople will not forget thats ok , the important thing is to keep healthy boundaries from abusers, find safe enough people, where we can share and get our needs met ,and heal from SHIT that wasnt ours, were worth it. and can keep gentleness on ourselves and healthy boundaries and find and be in safe enough relationship where our needs for connection get met:) were worth it :) cheers.
FORGIVENESS
@@RUDYVOLCANONO. Unless you're saying "forgive yourself," but these people do not deserve it, they don't care anyways. You give them power by forgiving them.
The lack of respect. That's it in a nutshell. We need to stay away from people like that. ❤
Exactly. 🎯 We don’t have a choice. Thats on them. 👋
It’s a Epedemic in society
They always accuse you of disrespecting them for simply standing up for yourself.
You guys are so right
100000 %!
I was married to a narcissists for 25 years and I was officially divorced in May. I have been watching these videos and a few others on RUclips. Dr. C by far is my favorite. You feel like you've just been through a train wreck and you are seriously injured but no one sees your injuries. I really feel like Dr. C understands having worked with so many people who have been through this. It's liberating when you hear someone detail exactly what you have been through and validate your pain. To those of you who are still in a relationship with a narcissist, you can be free and live a life of peace. To those of you, like me, who are still trying to heal..Keep fighting. Thank. you Dr. C.
Thanks so much, Kelly. Glad the videos resonate, and thanks for letting me be on the journey with you.
You have to eliminate them from your life. Sometimes no relationship is the best relationship. When you set a boundary after decades of abuse, they aren’t going to say, “Good for you! You set a boundary!” We have been conditioned to please. We are not to blame for everything! We shouldn’t take on the negative feelings of others. I gotta go. 👋 Mic drop 🎤 💥
Absolutely 💯 I'm with you on the mic 🎤 drop 👍👋
I desperately needed to this! Thank you !!
Right. Setting boundaries is pointless wnen they will not respect them and continue to undermine them.
I had narcissistic parents, my mother overt. She never said "good for you. You set a boundary. When I'd get rid of toxic partners & "friends", she wouldn't say 1 word. But always complained about me being around them. She was afraid I'd wise up & she'd be next. 😀😂
@@misty4483 So true.
Disrespect towards others begins with own their astounding/unfathomable/maniacal conceit.
Perfectly stated!
Yes, they really do blow your mind. I think it's an eye opener in that you really understand that there are people who believe they are above others. They hold themselves at such a level and everyone else was made for them to manipulate.
Treat them with disdain and bust their bubble.
@@CoachK10190 I wouldn't want to lower myself to their level.
@@t_nelsTrue, then they would have got you to play their disgusting games. If they get you to react and behave in a negative manner, they have got into your mind, and can manipulate.
Yes, Dr. C, thank you for that! You said, "When someone has no regard for you, that says more about them than it does you". That's exactly it! The narcissist will never have regard for our feelings, our wellbeing, or for who we are, but that's all about THEM, the lack that THEY feel inside themselves. Their lack of respect has nothing whatsoever to do with how we regard ourselves!
Well said
❤
Avoid those that cause vexation to the spirit. Keep your own self respect 🙏
@amandaliverpool3374 , Thanks , Good Wishes for your birthday!
@@Greenawareness188 ty❤️
Amanda 🧡
Amen.
I'm writing these bullet points down! Love this oasis of healing and its good folks
Dear Amanda❣
May your spirit 💛 be blessed with joy 😊
Happy Birthday 🥳🥳🥳
🏵🌹🌺🌻🌼🌷⚘🌸💮
Hope you have a wonderful day ✨✨✨
Sending you lots of 💗 for your special day.
Many regards & big hug🫂❤
Roxy
P.S.: Hope I have remembered your birthday right for I am not quite sure if it was a day before or after 9/11🤔😅
"You see relationships as transactional. I see relationships as connecting at the heart level with another individual."
So true & breaks my heart because therein lies the empath's vulnerability, our blind spot. I fully expected my love to be met with love, not convenience (or worse.) Now that I've seen I can't unsee, but I am free from the shackles of deception. Thank you Dr. C.
Thanks for sharing!!
I will be free...1 way or another.
I concur Dr. C in my 67 years I’ve never witnessed people literally relishing in crushing the spirit out every day folks. I brings me to tears. Sometimes I’m afraid to leave my home because usually I run into someone who doesn’t like my driving. And instead of going around me they try to intimidate me into going faster and I won’t. I’ve gone back to counseling to help me navigate this culture of seemingly endless hatefulness. I believe the social media has changed our social system and RUclips is the only place I interact with thank goodness for your kindness and the support of team healthy. Thank you 😊
So true.
I heard somewhere that your driving reflects your true character.
@judy6939 I had doctors and therapists at the VA tell me it's not dangerous for people to tailgate me. It's my fault and they have to drive 3 inches off my bumper. Gee golly, they just have to, even though I make plenty of room for them to go around me. When I asked "what if I drove 3 inches off someone's bumper?" Of course, it's wrong to do then. I really think they were trying to destabilize people even more than they already were to justify giving people more drugs to boost that bank account. Or maybe they just got off on telling lies and saying up is down and black is white and you have to believe it because they are the experts with a degree.
‘People’ were doing this quite frequently without social media. Usually in ‘pockets’ in society it was more open and was frequently dealt with by police. Social media is just a tool to amplify the already perverseness of individuals who hurt others for pleasure. Social media platforms- in their ignorance in having to handle such awful people have been slow to react hence the people who run social media being blamed - which in some part they are especially if they have the power to stop the abuse but choose not to unless forced by authorities to do so😩.
@@ZLLi661 I believe social media enhances the hate so where does it end?
God has been helping me learn to remain silent in the presence of narcissists who seem to love argument and debate with the purpose of fighting to win. Coming to a logical conclusion and learning the truth is not on their radar at all. They have no respect or love toward anyone who does not elevate them as special. They only "treat" respectfully those they wish to impress and as soon as that person challenges their attitude or behavior they turn on them too beginning the disrespect and disregard.
Yup, true!
I grew so used to the constant assumption that my ideas, thoughts, beliefs, even taste were just a joke that I ended up suppressing all expression of them. I feared the inevitable snort of derision, rolling eyes and not-very-well-concealed contempt, and the worst thing was it was implied that this negative attitude was the NORMAL one. No one else ever treated me that way, but I almost came to believe that they would if they knew all the details, the way my narcissist sister did. The day I explicitly stated I would not tolerate her disrespect was like shaking off a huge hill of dirt that had somehow accumulated on me over the years.
✊👍
I too grew up with a narc sister. Overt narc. For years I believed that the world functioned like my sis described it. She knew it all and I looked up to her. I didn't have a voice. Every time I tried to express myself she killed it with her anger towards me. I shrunk to a very small version of me. When our parents died I set myself free from her. That was a necessity! Very liberating! Today I finally know who I am! However one is an easy target for other narcs out there!!😢 The work continous!!
Yes moving on
Taking back my power
Its never too late
Lack of respect is often a narcissist's projection
Gray rock and do not take it personal
Not taking it personally is something I struggled with. I'd always try to "never let them see me sweat" even if I was.
@@Hatbox948 Yes, take it personal, soo personal, that you make a plan and get the hell out of there!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! I DID.
Do not take it personal takes some of the ache away!
Ha, they even say "don't take it personally" super hard not to when people say this. It's like they're calling you out for being too sensitive, a covert blame shift.
@@keekeejenkins6162 but if you don't take it personally and see that they are inept it is not as hard or consuming.
They don't respect themselves , you can't expect that from them at all . Don't waste your time .
So true. It helps to remind ourselves that narcissists have no self-respect. 💜🐾
But big egos
No self-respect and no love for themselves. It's very sad how that combination can make a person behave 💔
It's the worst when it's your own parents 😢
I get you... that's all I'm going to say.
I know what you mean
Yes. The trauma bond is so powerful.
Or your own child.
I’m tired of having the same conversation of how my boundaries are disrespected. They usually just say sorry I can’t help it and some other sob story that’s not relevant.
Narcissists never say sorry. Never.
@@karlabritfeld7104 now that I think of it there was never the word sorry just a backwards explanation of why they did whatever they did
The last time i saw him ( which is the last time I'll ever see him) he told me he couldn't look at me. I asked "why, why can't you look at me?" and his reply was " I can't; looking at you ( eye contact) is a turn off.". So i sat with that for a few moments, then I got up, said
" I'm done. I want nothing to do with you
At all."
And I walked away, blocked him in every way. I was never able to resist his hoovers in the past 9 years, but NOW, now I definitely can. I choose peace.
Smart move.
Dr C has been like the father we all wish we had growing up. Such important insight and guidance. This world is struggling to develop people with rudimentary decency and kindness. What I also realize is that being kind to self is a precursor to being kind to others around you. Finding peace even when we are gaslit is the work! Thank you Dr. C
Yes, I love him.
@@karlabritfeld7104me too, Karla ❤
Well said.🙂💞
It's weird because even if you do treat them well and with respect, they still say you are not treating them with respect and that you are "attacking" them even if you aren't. And oh yes, they never will show you any genuine respect. They seem to be broken beyond repair and if you can, best thing is to detach with them completely. Great video. Thank you.
It's crazy making.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes, it sure is!
Exactly. The mental gymnastics they do to act like you've "sinned" somehow in their eyes gets flat out ridiculous. Meanwhile they're literally the most disrespectful person you've met in your whole life. But if you say anything about it you're just making drama.
🔘 i think this is the root of their game right here - lack of respect of other human beings. As always with these creatures, their projection is confession. We are just objects in their role play as god. Dr. C rocks!
There is no root, the whole thing is unknown to a lot of the "narci's" and they can't help being like they are. They just need hours of sitting down with someone who is a professional, so they can have someone "parrot" them. Most won't go to a therapist, seems to me it's a "spiritual" problem, even demonic and well, they're convinced they're perfect the way they are. Don't try to argue with them on this point. Instead convince them how special they are and that the "professional" is going to take notes due to that, maybe even write a book! They lie, so lie back and ask GOD for forgiveness later, HE understands more than we give HIM credit for. What the hell else can you do? I've been there and I escaped with only emotional trauma and a few bruises, I had to lie, but I got away! You too, can escape the HURT that they cause, PLEASE make a plan!
Thank you for what you have said dr Carter. The disrespect narcisists show towards other people is mind- bending. It just leaves you speechless. The only way to go is to remove yourself from the presence and sphere of influence which those individuals have.
Absolutely on target
Months before my NM died, she looked at me like I was dirt on her feet. She had such a contempt & distant in her voice when she talked to me...I felt like that unwanted stupid & disrespect 7 yr old. It broke my heart. Now, I see it was never about me!
Exactly. She must have been carrying decades of psychological pain.
@SurvivingNarcissism she must have...Thank you, Dr. C.
This is so true. Sadly for me, I grew up in a family of people who had many of the traits of narcissism. Once I lost the "Golden Child" status of my early years (in other words, I lost my cute looks, was bullied and rejected by my peers, and started to isolate myself as a means of protecting myself from all the pain), instead of getting support and compassion from my family, all I got from them was criticism and blame. My teen and young adult relationships with my family members were characterized by rage, accusations, and utter contempt on their parts, and fear and avoidance on mine.
This happened to me as well. My dad used to love me when I was his baby girl my dad fawned over me. My dad is the malignant narcissist. When I started developing, became a teenager, and got into rock music and became a goth, I got nonstop ridicule from him. It didnt seem to bother anyone else. My mom and other family members were more focused on my grades, not getting into drugs, pregnant, etc. To this day I've remained a goth and rock lover. I love things that are more darkly inclined. I'm not a brooding, angry, or depressed person, I'm just fascinated with those things. My dad absolutely hates that about me. He has never tried to relate to me or ask me about my interests. To him, I'm a weirdo, so he shames and bullies me.
I hear you and understand. ❤️ When I left my family as the scapegoat (got married) they neglected the golden child sister. It was horrible. She was in need and she ‘didn’t exist’ in our parents eyes. Fast forward, we all live together again and she is ‘kept happy’. In some ways its good because she rages less. However, its kind of made things worse. They made a huge mess. They were abused, they chose to abuse us, now she is abusive towards her son. I am very sorry for what you had to endure. ❤️
@@ASMRyouVEGANyet Kudos to you for staying true to yourself in spite of the pressure to conform. From what I've learned and experienced, a person with a narcissistic bent prizes image above all else. Like you, I kept up my grades and avoided both drugs and pregnancy, but was still treated like the family embarrassment because of the problems I was going through. A healthy parent wouldn't be so concerned about other people's opinions that he would overlook the good things about you.
@@tbunnyshy1 Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you made it out of the toxic environment. I'm also glad that you have so much concern for your golden child sister. You seem to have a very mature outlook on your family situation.
@@ASMRyouVEGANyetit’s the weird and shameful who act in weird and shameful ways to anything or anyone that is ‘different’ - usually to their own weird and shameful ways. I reckon scratch the surface of the facade of your father and there will some perverse, super irrational thing about him- besides his obvious bigotry towards someone with different interests than him - ie you.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.... give it to others, claim your own, recognize it, know and do what is right....draw on your own self respect and strive for the universal good. You are worthy. Thanks Dr. C, Good session as always!
Thanks, again, Nancy!
🙏💖
“Immediate utility” 🙌yes, they demand service whenever they want to be powerful. Thank you, Dr. C. ❤
You are so welcome
Dr. Les Carter, I can’t tell you just how much I needed to hear these words. Without self respect, we are at their mercy. And the damage is incalculable. Thank you 🙏
You are so welcome!
😂My narc mother & sister wouldn't even try to listen past 3-4 words. Silence & distance are my best responses.
It helps me to remember why I treat others with respect... It's because I have enough self respect and I don't want to base myself by being petty and vile. Narcissists don't have self respect. They can't give others what they don't have for themselves. That's their own personal failing, not mine.
This is THE BEST channel for victims/ former victims of narcissists. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your videos. They are life changing! ❤
I am becoming so sad and negative with the joy stripped from this man I’ve been with 20 yrs and such unhappiness I’ve suffered like so many of us.
I sure needed this talk Doctor C! Thank you!
You're welcome.
Once, when I was upset by my mother's lies and betrayals, she said, accusingly, "You need to forGIVE!" I was surprised as it was the only time I remember her using the word. It was not admitting she'd done anything harmful, only admonishing my attitude.
The few times i called my mother out on her lies and her rejection of me she accused me of the same thing. “You live in the past “ or you have to forgive. Never mentioning anything she did. She played all 3 of her daughters off of each other our whole lives. Like it was this huge competition and she got to call out the bad guy or the good guy. I was always the bad guy. So sad really. So glad to be away from it.
@@DJH97 So awful. I found the book Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward helpful for working through through it and making a plan for the future. Happiness and kindness to you.
@@michelepascoe6068 Thank you for that mention of the book. I’ll have to look it up. I’m like a sponge absorbing all of this info.
@@DJH97 isn't it wonderful having all this education available instead of the confusion of not knowing why our mothers treated us that way and thinking we had to fix it? I am thankful every day for the answers and guidance Dr C provides.
@@michelepascoe6068 Absolutely. Just wish info was more available long ago. I wasted so much of my life trying to “please and do better” for others.
Its wild, Im watching this and thinking about the treatment we are getting from our government in Canada, and especially our P.M. and some of the things he is doing.
JT is a total narcissist. Listen to Jordan Peterson’s take on him.
@@melisherwood5300yes that was a great interview.
Jordan Peterson is a horrible right wing man. He oozes anger, unhealthiness and unhappiness.
And...???
What? LOL. You sure it's not the orange menace?😂
I haven’t been with my ex narc for over a year now. Took a good 8-9 months to really process it. I still haven’t moved on to another woman, cause I still don’t feel ready to take such a leap. But I am starting to feel “normal” again or myself. Something I hadn’t felt like for those 3 years I was with her. I still watch many of your videos Dr. Carter because it’s frankly good information, and knowledge certainly is power, or good power in this case. I hope anyone here who is actively going through such a relationship, will find the strength necessary to break free. Obviously some situations are tougher than others. But you can’t really mentally break free til you’re no longer being tied to them. It takes time, it’s painful but ultimately it’s freeing.
Good for you for taking time. It will give you a greater chance at your next relationship being healthy.
i would rather adjust my life to their absence than to adjust my boundaries to their disrespect. to their disrespectfulness.
Just moved on after experiencing complete disrespect and the usual lack of empathy in a relationship with a 55 year old covert narcissistic woman. I got very tired of permanently showing my boundaries soon and couldn’t stand her verbal and passive aggressiveness anymore. Not to mention the countless attempts to school me being almost 10 years older than her. Tried to talk to her many times to no avail. All these symptoms weren't noticeable during the dating phase at all and developed immediately after being in an intimate relationship.
I just can’t forget the shock and desperation I saw in her face when I abandoned her. When I finally left after three month she stood next to the door with her head down like a sad and disappointed child. Strange enough I’ve never felt so bad and guilty before!
These narcissistic relationships are real gut twisters.
@jorgfruhbrodt5786 That's how they operate: they keep the mask on just long enough to suck you into their web. Once they "have you", they feel comfortable enough to drop the mask and show you who they really are.
They will always try to play the pathetic, desperate card to make you feel guilty at the end, when they know you've had enough and you're leaving. I'm glad you didn't fall for it!
Don't feel guilty, you didn't do anything wrong! SHE is the one who should feel guilt and shame, but she won't. Narcissists don't ever feel bad about the pain they inflict on others.
You deserve someone who truly loves and respects you!
I confronted my late stepfather about his disrespect for me. I told him if he continues to disrespect me. I would limit my contact with him.
Just do it
Thank you Dr C for addressing, not only the narcissists’ harmful effects upon their “victims”, but speaking life, healing, respect and value back into wounded hearts. When you grow up with that wrong thinking, it’s overwhelming to change. However, you focus on how to do that in the most positive and simply spoken ways. Thank you again!!
After dating a narcissistic person years ago and not know what it was that kept us arguing even though it felt like we were both in true love. Now I find myself in a relationship with another Narcissistic person. Our counselor and I were talking about how I have these tendencies that draw narcissistic people toward me. Due to his narcissistic nature I have fell out of love with him. I routinely tell him he could leave at any time and it would not bother me in the least. I refuse to say I love you to him anymore. His family is truly Great, we all fit together so well. I had a talk with him before we all got together last time that if he was mean in any way on this next family visit, I was NOT going, because he knows I won't belittle him in front of his family. So he remained on good behavior. He is trying but I keep him one step away from going out the door. Which I truly believe is just a matter of time. Since falling out of love with him I feel so much better about myself
Why prolong the inevitable?
get out now!
I did everything my narcissistic husband asked of me, to the point I was sick and broken. I only stood my ground with him one time, when I insisted on keeping my drug-addicted son in our home until he could get into treatment. My son was not going to survive otherwise and it was the first time he had agreed to get help. My husband did not want him there and didn’t care if he lived or died, and on the day I drove my son to treatment, I came home and my husband had moved out.
Good for you. Two birds, one stone. You made the right decision 💯.
You are blessing me so much on this, the eve, of the eve, of my move out. I have my own place on Tuesday. My pastors assisting my move. There are people in church who get it now. Don't lose hope in God.
He hears you.
Best wishes to you moving forward. And I'm glad you have significant support.
Nearly every body treats me with disrespect. Colleagues, friends, family. The only one who doesn't is my partner and the occasional friend.
Maybe you should examine yourself and see what you're doing in life if nobody respects you.
I am happy you have supporters !
The lack of respect took its’ greatest toll on my own self-worth. This spouse, one that I trusted with everything, became brutal in her critique of everything about me. I naturally gave her the benefit of the doubt, and began to see myself in the same way that she did. Moving on from that took everything in me to assess myself objectively (or at least as best I could). I needed friends and family (from whom I’d been effectively isolated by her schemes) to assist me in that. Ones that WANTED to hang around me because of my behavior and empathy for others.
I’d love to know of a shortcut.
There isn't a shortcut. There is, only the hard way 😢
A short cut would be nice and like meditation it takes practice. I'm still astounded how I get taken advantage of.
My Mom did and does thrive on my self-doubt and I still blame it on myself.
It is mind-boggling how some narcs carefully and attentively observe their target. I realized that some of those had known me even better than I knew myself. Nothing escaped their attention and they predicted pretty accurately how I'd respond in certain situations.
This is what explains how one can be mis-lead for too long and too far
Great to have people who support ❤️ you now
I'm sorry Aaron. That is desolation. I'm grateful you are out of that
Watching Dr Ramani I learned you have to hold narcissists accountable for their lack of awareness. They really don't understand what they are doing behind the veneer of shame they hide behind. Just had to tell a suspected narcissist of their oblivious words and actions.
Ingenious critters, aren't they just? You have to give them that... 60 years of practice and the last 20 spent putting my foot down and I've just got caught off guard yet again!
... Take deep breath and close the door... repeat and repeat again. You are right Dr. Carter: self-respect, self-determination and preserving one's core dignity are essential. Being able to laugh about all the shenanigans would be good too. Genuine laughter is a great healer but these are bags full of knotted serpents, meant to harm and destroy, that are being dumped off...
How does one get these sorry pieces of work to just put a sock in it? Is there even one sock big enough for the task?
@user-zy9tq2hg3n , Please let me know where to find that mythical sock . I believe my sense of humor is next to it .Thanks
@@Greenawareness188 will do... if I ever find it. Just about holding on with the help of a good dose of European (London) cynicism right now. I don't know how else to cope with the aftermath of this latest onslaught. I hope it did not upset you.
Thank you , for your comments .Your honesty is refreshing .
I will gladly disengage myself from that disrespecting narcissist. You don’t teach etiquette to an adult , I will respect myself for my core dignity which leads me to my peace. Thank you dr Carter 😊 God bless you❤
It makes me sad that I am so far behind on watching your videos, Dr. C. A narcissist has made my life terribly difficult, leaving me to work fifteen hour days, six days a week. Know that you are still every bit as appreciated, even though my time is limited. Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🕊
The worst thing for me is that he is sooooo nice and helpful to everyone so now everyone at his workplace thinks I did the poor guy wrong just „like all his exes did“.. also, how could I’ve been so naive?!?! I also begged this guy to talk to me again all the time, I completely lost my dignity. That guy is 40 and still lives with a roommate!! 🤯🤯🤯
This was perfect for me to send to my son. His father is an abusive manipulative malignant narcissist and my son is so very stressed because of it. This is what I was trying to tell last night and I’m so glad you did a video like this because you say it better.
You need to learn the signs of a narcissist and it will make sense.
It's taken a loooong time, coming from a dysfunctional family through 2 dysfunctional marriages and a couple of dysfunctional workplaces. Dr.Carter, your and other resources have helped me "connect a lot of dots"; make sense of what was crazy-making; and move forward in healthy ways. I will keep on learning! "Self-respectful and Free at 83!"
Good for you. I'm 46, just learning to put the past behind me and move forward with self-love, self-respect, dignity and peace. God bless.
Living with Narc mom who's on Hospice. She is so aggressive -yells, accuses and points her finger at me. I had to grey rock which caused her to freak out and report me to Hospice and an elder attorney. She accused me of being mean, even know I spend hours each day cleaning up her messes. I'm going to keep away from her at all costs. counting the days.
It always seems that Dr Carter has the ability to touch on a subject that I'm going through. Listening to this particular video and his insights into the lives of people who are challenged with the overall disrespect of toxic relationships has helped me to seek out help and to find my way through this. Once I have learned a new way of seeing myself and loving in a healthy way, the old relationship patterns no longer work. You just can't go back to something that was destructive. You just can't. You wish people you cared about would see how important it is for you, but they don't. Thank you, Dr C!! You know we care about you!
Thanks for your encouraging words.
You are so kind doctor thank-you, because I think many of us become very lost in a life with such a disturbed individual.😊
You are very welcome
5:48 mark; my adult son & I have a "inside joke" about mistakes. If one of us does an "opps" the other will say (in a funny tone) What did we learn? We both start laughing at whoever made the "opps". When one of us says that in a crowd 🤣 we get strange looks when we are both laughing hard! 🤣
Going to see an art exhibit with a narcissist is always a joy... they come out saying, "I could have done that." I doubt it... and let's not overlook the reality that you didn't!
Exactly Dr. Carter. I will live with dignity, they will live with lies.
Such a stark contrast!
24/ 7 non stop disrespect, nothing physical gratefully. I need to prepare.
As someone says, "When toxic people pretend that they r good," n r in serious need of self-reflection
I need to listen to this often like a meditation. It’s hard to have these thoughts as the first natural thing to think - after being raised with these sickly messages and then having them reinforced when you talk to them again, on a weekly basis. I went no contact but that way of thinking about myself is still there. I’ll try to memorize the healthier thoughts.
Dr Carter ☀️ Thank you for your healthy, healing perspective, your God given talent for explaining it, and your heartfelt desire to share it. ☮️ ☮️ ☮️
I did hear you say not necessary to say this directly to him and just think it. Thinking it is my only option, as in the middle of my first sentence he would shut me down, so it remains a fantasy to say these things to him and he listen.
It's called the mystery of iniquity. It is at work in our world today along with perilous times. God help us!
My 38yr daughter is a narcissist & has caused division in family with her lies disrespect & manipulation.
It broke my heart
But I had to recently cut off all contact for my well being and peace of mind.
My 5 grandchildren
3 are grown & other 2 are in their late teens is why I stuck around & took the abuse for so long.
Now I don't have to anymore.
Some family you have to love from a safe distance
Pray for them
Let go & Let God.
Having narcissistic parents that never respected or cared about you sets you up for disrespectful spouses. Learning about narcissistic spouses led me deeper into why I attracted people like that. Because I thought it was normal way to have relationships. No care or respect or any value to oneself. So sad to go through most of your life like that. But left it all behind at 62. Finally the parents too.
I didn't fully realize how insidious and destructive narc "parents" are to even a future marriage
@@miketesla8550 I didn’t either until I entered therapy to figure out what was wrong with “me”.
I absolutely needed that definitely need therapy after five years of the most abusive person in the world almost took my life
Seek help. Commit to growth!
I can forgive them but i wouldn't trust them again
That makes sense.
The last long frase 10:38 - 11:19......it is a gift that i will share with others....because i am respekt from the inside out!!!
Doctor Carter, I’ve hit a new low. After 1 year of being discarded by my ex of 7 yrs and no contact, I was doing ok but then his birthday came which triggered me into contacting him. Long story short, it sounded like he is over me and telling me to stop contacting him. Now I am where I was in the beginning. Absolutely miserable day in and day out. I feel like there is no hope for me because even if I work on myself I can’t trust myself to be back in this same position. To be feeling this way 1 year later is very disheartening. I thought I would marry this individual not get discarded without a warning. I am going to try to watch your videos consistently again as they helped me in the past. Thanks for your work.
Remind yourself that the narc is an emotionally immature person. You can't afford to let someone like that establish who you are. Your pain is due to the loss of an ideal, so allow yourself to grieve. But don't think of him as having the solution.
@@SurvivingNarcissismthank you
My husband always says out loud to everyone he knows:” I am the only one who says the truth and others are all pathological liars “. And he is the one who actually lies all the time …
Narcissists are not known for deep personal insight.
A quote from a funny TV show with a narcissistic character: "I ALWAYS tell the truth... as 'I' see it."
Narcissists believe their lies and false reality until external objects tell them otherwise. But they will remain delusional in the end.
For real. If they were actually telling the truth they would say 'I'm feeling deeply insecure at the moment and taking it out on an easy going person because...xyz."
It's very difficult when it's your adult son and his family.. it's heartbreaking💔
Yes, it is.
I've been listening to you for years trying to learn the traits of a narcissist while being manipulated and then devalued, then going along during a love bombing phase. Abused people abuse people and if you experienced that in growing up; it's hard to set boundaries. I think THIS video is the best wrap up one needs to hear to point one in the right direction....I am 3 months out and this time I GOT IT. These people can suck the life out of you. But guess what? You can still love them, but at a distance. Thanks Doc!
This is like an anti-narc poem. Love it 💕
Doc I want to first say thank u for your selflessness for everything u do for this community.
Second fml I had no idea there could be people like this in the world let alone my ex of 10 years,10 years I went through it with this woman.
3 months ago I finally had enough and packed my things and left,my God now when I look back I realize the environment I was in and I got use to it,it became normally.
With this woman it was at least once a month around her time of the month so I figured it was a part of that but when she'd get mad it seemed like there was no limit to her vengeance I literally had to pack clothes blanket pillows and my art material my table extra and park at the home Depot in my area cuss it was bad,I'd have nervous break downs and the gas lighting, putting gossip on social media what kills me is she never apologized for none of her actions but u know the craziest thing about it is I still love her and would do anything to help her stop being this,it truly kills my soul to think my babe is this kind of evil,it's going to be a long ride to recover from this. 10. f-ing years. I need to be understood I need a friend but I don't know how to make a friend cuss I have such a hard time trusting anyone even myself,I need prayers.
it doesn't make sense to move on because all i do is to carry on the pain and hate that will break the next soul
Perfect timing Doc I’ve had 2 altercations in the last 3 days w people being disrespectful and just flat out mean and were good reminders that team healthy is where I stay at it. I was made to look like a fool just today by an angry little man throwing a fit because I defended myself. I said who do you think you’re talking to and this grown ass man cocked his arm back like he thought I’d be scared of him. I said get stay away from me until we finish and showed zero emotion in doing so. Again it was me vs 3 on the golf course no less. I’m pretty sure he intended on intimidating me or thinking he could make me eat his toxic shit sandwich and get away w it but not today my friend lol. I swear they are coming at me fast and furious these past few weeks and total strangers too. All I have to do is be me and it drives them nuts to be near me. If I’m happy or just content they can’t stand it.
You need help
Such a great video Dr Carter! Thank you!! It feels so horrible to hold no value in someone else's eyes. It's only when you have that beautiful awakening that just because they don't respect you, doesn't mean that THAT'S how God sees you!! Just because they don't WANT you, doesn't mean God doesn't want you!! I truly get it now, that ONLY God assigns my value and worth!! And I'm simply bold enough to agree with Him!! God says He has plans for me!! 🙌 good plans of a future and hope!! And I choose to simply AGREE with Him!! 🙌✝️🕊️❤️ Love you Dr Carter, thank you so much for this excellent content. Hi to Gus!! 🐾🐾❣️
Thanks, Julie.
I tell people the reason I don't talk to my narcissistic parents is because I care about my well being.
Plain and simple.
My mother-in-law is a covert narcissist. She is undiagnosed, but I am in treatment for narcissistic abuse, and she's the one that fits the pattern. She's controlling (and just says that out loud, like it is a good thing) and abusive. I don't need too many details here, I think. We can all vibe with what that might feel like.
I put my career on hold to try and help her with my father-in-law who had a stroke. But she wouldn't let me DO anything. I'm disabled, but I've been taking care of him by myself for the last month. Because I can. Disabled does not equal helpless. She been in the hospital because she fell off a step ladder. But now that she is getting out, she decided to leave my husband and I holding the bag on a lease that is running out and all of our savings spent on her son, my husband, missing a month of work.
I went to see her in the hospital today...
Yeah. Also, she started in on me and Rob the instant we were in the door. We just visited.
And she says, "I worry," but that just means, "I don't trust." Some examples from today: (I am Becki)
"I worry about Becki's accountant doing my bills... I worry that you haven't been looking for a place longer... I worry that Becki can't keep the house up... I worry that I won't be able to get along with Becki...
Of course, Becki will care for me for the next 2 months, at least..."
Like it is her God's given right for me to just do everything for her for 2 months, and then, "Good luck moving."
How does this make her a narcissist?
@karlabritfeld7104 She is highly controlling, has no empathy for anyone but her cats, treats the whole world like it owes her. Etc. As I said, I wasn't diagnosing her, but rather just sharing the most recent experience.
Also, she did say that she doesn't trust me to do the job, and of course I'll be doing it for her. She was trying to rewrite the whole thing as her doing us a favor, rather than as me dropping everything and saving her.
@BeckiWitte You are wonderful ! Unfortunately , Some folks will never ever see this. Glad you shared with us!
Very sad that my youngest daughter is the narcissist that I am dealing with. She is so difficult and so ugly and disrespectful to me that I do not want to talk to her or see her. I am really fed up with how I am being treated.
Same.
Respect means accepting somebody for who they are as they are. Self-respect means loving yourself and treating yourself with care.Both are essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship, which is build upon trust, safety and wellbeing.
Narcissists lack respect - they want to change you into the role they have made for you to fit into their agenda. Individuals that fall for the Narcissistic trap lack self-respect - they are not staying true to their own values and are therefore easily compromising.
Why is self-respect so important?
》It's the bedrock for developing self-acceptance and self-love
》It's part of your identity and reflects how you view yourself, which will impact every area of your life
》You are no longer dependend on external validation but on internal qualities like your character
》Life in general becomes more meaning, navigation and fulfilling
》You are no longer vulnerable for staying in negative self-talk and/or self-doubt
How can you learn self-respect?
1. Identify your core values:
What is really important to you?
Which values really belong to
you?
Are there any values that you
can't live without?
What matters to you to feel and stay relaxed/happy/peaceful?
2. Keep your focus on internal
qualities:
What charactertraits do you
have?
Which traits do you want to
change?
How can you change them?
Start practising, step by step
3. Accept yourself as you are:
What do your thought patterns
look like?
Do you need to forgive yourself because you can recognize a harsh inner critic?
Don't punish yourself, but start accepting your flaws, bad habits and all the things you do not like about you.
4. Identify your triggers:
Why are you overreacting?
When are you becoming
triggered?
How do your negative thought patterns affect your actions?
5. Do more things you really love/
enjoy:
What do you really enjoy doing?
What is lacking in your life?
What is too much in your life
that makes you numb?
What have you never done before but always wanted to do?
May be you could do something new to challenge yourself?
May be there is something that you always liked doing but just forgot about?
6. Pay attention to your own needs:
What in you needs your
attention?
Do you need a break?
Do you need something to eat?
Do you need something to drink?
Do you need a shower?
Do you need some sunshine?
@roxymovie3938 Thanks for sharing that!
Thank you for this Roxy! ❤
Thank you for sharing❤
You are out of this world Roxie, more than food for thought but an extensive therapy...🎉
PS : Narcs have no respect whatsover as they are Amoral, not knowing the difference between Right from Wrong, like genetically modified for the worse and most hideous soul down here.
Astral blackholes is an analogy that reminds me of them.
Void, dense, hoovering everybody and destroying everything like typhoons so remain in their Eye for safety by cultivating your self respect.
Warm greetings from stifling France. Another exhaustive heatwave and no climatisation as I ve been eco friendly since my teens
Thank you Roxy!
My narcissist mother flew me all the way to Paris with her (I had reluctantly agreed to go knowing darned well that I can't travel with that monster) just to Disrespect the hell out of me in front of anyone she could in Paris. I said, "you don't respect me at all." She said "No, I don't respect you at all. Period. I don't respect you." She expects the best treatment from me, yet there it is. I finally got away from close proximity to her house in June. She lived 2 blocks down from me. I'm going to actually enjoy the holidays this year! 9 Years NO CONTACT is the Only way!!
Sounds like it's time to slow that relationship down in a big way.
Dr. Les, you are so awesome. Thanks for helping us all. @@SurvivingNarcissism
When you truly see that they are the one with the problem, it helps take some of the pain away. Go on with your life and live well without them. All they are is a liability to who you truly are. Your life purpose is not tied to them in any way. Peace to you.
M Qua, that was the funniest comment on chat about Facebook and commenting on fakeness. Thanks for the chuckle! They really should call it Fakebook.
They have tried all the things you have talked about Dr.Carter to make me doubt and be insecure. But it hasn't worked. I have spent most of my life with myself so I know when someone is lying about me. However that doesn't stop them from continuing to disrespect..even when the smirk of satisfaction is short-lived. Besides they do succeed by smearing. It can be draining. So I just enjoy the peace of being with myself!
BTW- look 👀 ( looking ) forward!
4:30 My stbx definitely motivated via shame. And felt that it was his duty to do so. Can’t be soft on anyone… gotta beat it out of them at all costs.
He could never understand.
So true. Their disrespect is about who they are, not who you are. I think there is no way to help them because they are committed to their destructive beliefs and behaviour?
They are committed, and it's a dangerous game! They will self destruct, and take you with them.
@@kristenmarie9248 certainly
They find other ways to manipulate you to blow through your boundaries.
This is a video worthy of rewatching over and over again.
I think what you say ,to say to the narc should be more as a mantra /letter to self than say this to the narc because it will fall to deff ears .
Literally need a transcript of this, the talk with the toxic person in your life. I'd translate it and post it to him
How many times have you tried to fix and explain things with the narc only to realize its wasted energy. If they wanted to change they would have by now. That just proves that they have no respect for you. You cant be told that you're a jerk, pretend to understand completely and then still do the same things and act like a jerk. Thats just showing complete lack of respect.
Thanks Dr C, I am often trying to calm my inner critic. After my narcissistic relationships I find myself not being as kind to me as i should be. They really change the structure of your being, unfortunately sometimes for the worst.
Make sure you also watch the video, Rethinking A Narcissist's Shame Messages. It fits right alongside this one. I'm pulling for you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you!
So you keep gravitating to more narcissists??
@@karlabritfeld7104 Actually my ex was part of a narcissistic cult-like family. His mom was the overt, grandiose leader and they all fell in line. Most of them exhibited narcissistic traits. They vacillated between being flying monkeys to being outright narcissists themselves. So, in essence I got a two -fer, or a buy one get the rest for free.
Thank you dr c I am trying to regain some sense of self respect I have been chronically verbally abused from day one I just thought it was negative snd I was positive I easily accepted false blame controls condemnation lies never knew narcissist was a mental illness and I could never fix it I am just too old too burned out thank you got helping to get my self respect back it is growing g-d put me in a bubble to shield me I pity him he’s hell on wheels literally 😢😂😊❤thanks
Fact I fed into him pampering him like done movie star
controls
I had one come out of nowhere the other day at work, put me on the defensive merry go round, my hindsight is crystal clear on this one, I will learn from my mistake!
@theresaburke2040 Good ! You are starting the path back to yourself.
Hello. My boyfriend is a Pastor Narcissist. We were talking about his friend that lives in his Mother's house that she rents out. So he started telling Carlos on the phone that they were bad spirits in that house, that he needed him to go pray for him. Carlos said: I am not getting involved with that! I then said: that I believed in bad spirits etc. He then yelled at me. And said: I am taking you home, you have the devil in you! When he is the one that is rude,he also drinks and smokes and goes to worship every Sunday and does the Sermon!! Omg...
He also says the Lord loves me. When he treats me real shabby. I told him,he might love you but he loves me too. And dosent appreciate you treating me bad...
@@mabelalvarez8298 Spiritual narcs are the worst. Because they literally think their disorder and disrespect come from God.
I grew up in a home with a narcisistic parent who was a devaluer, and a rager. I lived 2 years alone with him. there wasn't a word for this, back then, or maybe it wasn't mainstream as it is now. After i left that house i drank everyday, i didnt know what had happened to me, but i wasn't feeling emotionally good about my self. After getting sober, i heard someone talk about childhood trauma, as even the cause of people to numb out with other substances, and that being the core issue, childhood trauma / cptsd. This message was a lot more gentle, selfcompassionate, and appealing to me, and wrang more true to me, because i resonated with covering my core issues with booze, needing to feel psycologically whole and stronger, and it worked temporarily booze. After finding safe enough support as a survivor and being validated, seen heard, empathized with, and some people modeling the tools of gentleness on myself , and healthy boundaries i started applying them, following through, with them boundaries, and seeing how my inner child and true self came out. Now im the loving parent whom loves honors protects speaks up for my inner child , and finds safe enough connection where i can share my true self and get my needs met. Earlier in my recovery from childhood trauma, or in general i did notice for instance i felt sick around some people, and i realized that in hindsight there are some people who are emotionally abusive, and they try to pick at you , or people, to make them feel bad, and somehow get a submission . Im grateful to have a support net work to process things, when i need to , and that back then , i kept a boundary with that person and disengaged from them. Im now in relationships where i can share my true self, and i feel my valid needs get met, with gentleness humor love and respect, were worth it :):):):)
What a great channel, one can tell that you love what you do and you share it from the heart, direct advice with out a Paywall... Sounds from another dimensión these days, thank you doctor.
Recently my narc made his very sick/elderly mother wait on him on her birthday, She could barely walk and he had a smirk on his face, the lack of empathy is so horrible.