Silence can be a form of [self] preservation. Sometimes silence is the last form of self-control. No one can undo the damage of words spoken in angry haste.
Absolutely. It's definitely not the same thing as when a toxic person uses it to make you feel bad. I delt with that. But I got to where I didn't react at all to anything. No tears. No begging. No defending myself in a gaslte. No comments. No nothing. It's so weird but yes it is incredibly helpful when you're stuck with a really toxic person. Or to even see if somebody's playing games.
I’ve been looking for friends who make it a safe space for me to just be my true authentic self. I’m completely blind and on the autism spectrum and have CPTSD. So I don’t act like the normal people do. So it can be hard to find people who truly accept me for who I am and not try to mold me into society’s norms and rules. Now,I’m not saying blindness and autism are a burden, because they’re not. I think the burden is when people criticize and judge me for not being normal and for being different. I think I do the best I can when making friends. Especially ones who accept and love me even with the blindness, autism and CPTSD. I’m not broken though.
@@siennaprice1351 Well, whomever these "Many people" are, I'd suggest that being different from them is probably a mark of Good Character. Thanks for the Note! 🎼TD
@@tdesq.2463 I’m learning this. The words “different, normal, and sensitive” get miss-used and abused. “This person needs to stop doing that because it’s different than how the rest of the world acts. This person isn’t normal because they do this or they act like this. Jeez, this person is so sensitive because they get mad or they cry a whole lot.” This can make a person really want to mask their true selves in order to fit in with the regular crowd in society. Why not just love a person even though they’re different, not like everyone else, and maybe they are a bit sensitive. SO, WHAT!!!
@@siennaprice1351 Good for You! Also important to ask Yourself why they're saying these things to You. Do they have some personal interest in Your behavior? Or do they just feel the need to try to put someone down in order to feel empowered? You know whom You are, and Your values & principles. You don't exist to please & accommodate others at the expense of Your very Self. And if they're not okay with that, then they are not good people. Period. Thanks Again for the Notes. You seem bright, polite & respectful to me. But, then again, I probably would not exactly be described as "normal" either by "many people" ... and, so what!
You described my sisters. I’m the youngest and I’m autistic. I’ve never lived up to their ideals, even though I’m an upstanding citizen/wife/mother. I’ve never done anything bad, yet their opinions of me are very low. The silent treatment, talking behind my back and excluding me is their MO. They enable each other and refuse to acknowledge their behaviors are cruel, but would lose their minds if anyone treated their daughters like that. That said, I have cut them from my life and am much happier for it. You do NOT have to put up with people like that. NO ONE is worth keeping around whom devalues you. You matter. 💝
With language processing issues I often hardly get a chance to get my point across. Ppl are very ‘skilled’ nowadays with narcissistic communication patterns. Going silent and taking distance is, unfortunately, the only thing that’s left when others dominate the conversation. Often they try to convince me what I mean, I’m not stupid…., it’s a form of aphasia where I often need to describe what I mean bc it takes too long to remember the right words. Ppl are often so arrogant & condescending I don’t bother with a ‘conversation’, it’s often one sided anyway. Not allowing someone to get their point across with a handicap is far more aggressive, it’s a primary form of self-expression that’s getting blocked, misinterpreted (in the most negative way) and used in the disadvantage of the handicap. I deserve safe space in a conversation, it’s hard enough as it is to live with this in a spoken language dominated society. Active listening is essential to understand and actually hear what someone means instead of the defensive & attacking communication styles that are used. The silent treatment & walking away is honestly a gift to myself 🙏🏼🌺
First of all, thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry you haven't found your safe space yet.. 🫂 Your story sounds so similar to mine that it's extremely healing and validating to read, and I hope I'm able to return the favor. I'm handicapped and chronically ill too and the people around me blame me for not being my "happy" self most days while they put words in my mouth and try to convince me that I just need to put more effort into things, or worse that I'm using my handicap/illness as an excuse to not do certain things. I think you'll understand when I say I wish I could live life like healthy people do, and I truly can't put more effort into anything.. I'm exhausted from just trying to cope with the mental and physical pain from my illnesses. Needing to explain our painful experience over and over again to what should be our support system only adds to that exhaustion, not even talking about how confusing and isolating it gets when they continue to not hear us while criticizing & judging us in the process. For 10 years I was gaslighting myself, believed the people around me and blamed myself for not being able to regulate and cope with my illnesses properly. The frustration that comes from living in those circumstances and the guilt that comes from that frustration is hard to deal with.. let alone learning to trust new people in order to build a new support sytem. Sometimes that's our only option, walking away and staying silent. We'll find our chosen family eventually, the universe kind of owes us that right? 😅 Thank you again for expressing yourself, it means more than you think 💝 sending strength and love your way, dear stranger 🍀
Hmm. I had two friends who refused to let me go so I had no choice but to be silent. Others have done it to me with no explanation and I still get it and don't blame them. Sometimes you are in such different worlds that useful conversations become impossible.
Yes so much this. I disagree with CCF. She says iti s a particularly aggressive form of control. It is by nature the opposite, passive. It is powerful though and many times the only power left in a relationship. A last straw.
Yes be open to respectful communication. Unless you tried to speak to the person dozens of times and they stonewall you or are condescending, then there isn't any point to talk any longer. let them see how it feels to be ignored. But other than that, yes all true. Good friends should be supportive and encouraging. If they aren't doing something that will cause bodily harm, then be supportive and don't insult or negate what your friend's finds interest in, especially when you wouldnt like it done to you. ❤
This describes an experience I had with a family member.. idealizing and devaluing me. It was extremely painful as I had two narcissistic parents. Devaluation and humiliation. Anna, please keep going.
Sometimes silence is better than outburst, better to simmer down than say what you'll regret...and sometimes the other doesn't make it safe to express your authentic truth, they manipulate your perception and emotions. Sometimes silence is the best treatment!
Setting your boundaries and refusing to argue with them about a topic is not controlling or aggressive. If you can't agree on something, it's better to remain silent than say something heated in an argument you may regret. If you don't want to talk about something and someone continues to press the issue, they are the one being aggressive and controlling. A good friend is not going to always agree and bless something that they honestly don't think is a good idea. You don't have to agree with everything to be a good friend, nor do you have to put up with badgering. You are the one projecting here. You have every right to protect your boundaries and refuse to discuss something you don't feel comfortable with, especially if it's triggering to your trauma. A good friend will respect that and understand. If you value someone you will respect their boundaries and privacy.
I recently lost my best friend of 30+ years. I had a very difficult argument with his husband, ending up with hurtful words on both sides. It was my fault, I admit-I lost myself. I apologized ,I felt terrible. But then I got a very long message from the husband, about how awful of a person I am, that I've "always" been that way. I've known him for 16 years. Never once had they said a word about my always doing that...but we're no longer friends and it is breaking my heart. But it was my fault. I deserved it.
Exactly what I thought, and this she prouved in the long run. I was free to accept my sad situation supported by her witty sarcasm, cause she had all her saturdays set up perfectly with our stroll in the center city. Not that I should have been free to run fir my safety from my abusers..no, in some way, better if I'll have died for her, cause that would have give her less fuss after a short moment of sadness..carrying on with a relationship no more at hand, eh, that was an annoying burdain that justified a discard/discharge after 35 years. No doubts I do no lobger trust people. She was more than my sister,..and she was a long-term liar..Yes, they can do that when it serves them well/it is convenient/beneficial to tgem in any way. Sad truth...we are alone and with God.
I don't walk out or hang up to control; I do it because I am being verbally abused in the conversation--yelled at, belittled, being emotionally manipulated, not being heard, called names, being treated with contempt... and it is hard to continually take in that poison.
My childhood best friend hated conflict and most of her friendships ended in her ghosting people. I would have people I didn’t know well messaging me on Facebook to ask why she wasn’t talking to them anymore. Eventually she did it to me too and the rest of her family.. It was really painful to lose someone I considered a sister and never know why or what happened.
Interested to hear your thoughts...i jumped too hastily into a friendship. Realised quickly i was dealing with a demanding and selfish personality but didnt have the courage to back out so soon Finally i did, but didnt give a lot of explanation. I tried to say i had felt judged and that this friend had been too critical of me. We talked again a few days later when she told me I hadnt been clear, I hadnt said anything worth anything in the first conversation and she demanded viciously to know what she had done wrong, because she was sure she could show me that it was me who was the problem. I decided there and then that I didnt stand a chance to try to share authentically with her, as I felt so unsafe. I told her i needed to take a big step back in our friendship. She once again insisted I tell her what she had done I just walked away feeling helplessly awful, knowing it wasn't my place to try harder to hold up the mirror as she wasn't going to accept it. Since then she hasnt been speaking to me. I feel like its tough, but im glad i protected myself from anymore of this. Is there anything I should be telling her? Maybe I have missed something Thanks ❤
What about when someone is attacking you and not listening to you and devaluing you? Are you supposed to just sit there and continue to be at the short end of a one sided convo? It was my understanding trying to reason with someone being unreasonable or controlling is to walk away especially if you're starting to feel triggered yourself and you don't want to lash out at them like they are with you.
Exactly what I thought, and this she prouved in the long run. I was free to accept my sad situation supported by her witty sarcasm, cause she had all her saturdays set up perfectly with our stroll in the center city. Not that I should have been free to run fir my safety from my abusers..no, in some way, better if I'll have died for her, cause that would have give her less fuss after a short moment of sadness..carrying on with a relationship no more at hand, eh, that was an annoying burdain that justified a discard/discharge after 35 years. No doubts I do no lobger trust people. She was more than my sister,..and she was a long-term liar..Yes, they can do that when it serves them well/it is convenient/beneficial to tgem in any way. Sad truth...we are alone and with God.
Silence can be a form of [self] preservation. Sometimes silence is the last form of self-control. No one can undo the damage of
words spoken in angry haste.
Absolutely.
It's definitely not the same thing as when a toxic person uses it to make you feel bad.
I delt with that. But I got to where I didn't react at all to anything. No tears. No begging. No defending myself in a gaslte. No comments. No nothing. It's so weird but yes it is incredibly helpful when you're stuck with a really toxic person. Or to even see if somebody's playing games.
Thanks this is really helpful and encouraging
I’ve been looking for friends who make it a safe space for me to just be my true authentic self. I’m completely blind and on the autism spectrum and have CPTSD. So I don’t act like the normal people do. So it can be hard to find people who truly accept me for who I am and not try to mold me into society’s norms and rules. Now,I’m not saying blindness and autism are a burden, because they’re not. I think the burden is when people criticize and judge me for not being normal and for being different. I think I do the best I can when making friends. Especially ones who accept and love me even with the blindness, autism and CPTSD. I’m not broken though.
Who ever told You that You're not "normal"?
@@tdesq.2463 many people. Being different according to them was not ok.
@@siennaprice1351 Well, whomever these "Many people" are, I'd suggest that being different from them is probably a mark of Good Character.
Thanks for the Note!
🎼TD
@@tdesq.2463 I’m learning this. The words “different, normal, and sensitive” get miss-used and abused. “This person needs to stop doing that because it’s different than how the rest of the world acts. This person isn’t normal because they do this or they act like this. Jeez, this person is so sensitive because they get mad or they cry a whole lot.” This can make a person really want to mask their true selves in order to fit in with the regular crowd in society. Why not just love a person even though they’re different, not like everyone else, and maybe they are a bit sensitive. SO, WHAT!!!
@@siennaprice1351 Good for You! Also important to ask Yourself why they're saying these things to You. Do they have some personal interest in Your behavior? Or do they just feel the need to try to put someone down in order to feel empowered? You know whom You are, and Your values & principles. You don't exist to please & accommodate others at the expense of Your very Self. And if they're not okay with that, then they are not good people. Period.
Thanks Again for the Notes. You seem bright, polite & respectful to me. But, then again, I probably would not exactly be described as "normal" either by "many people" ... and, so what!
You described my sisters. I’m the youngest and I’m autistic. I’ve never lived up to their ideals, even though I’m an upstanding citizen/wife/mother. I’ve never done anything bad, yet their opinions of me are very low. The silent treatment, talking behind my back and excluding me is their MO. They enable each other and refuse to acknowledge their behaviors are cruel, but would lose their minds if anyone treated their daughters like that.
That said, I have cut them from my life and am much happier for it. You do NOT have to put up with people like that. NO ONE is worth keeping around whom devalues you. You matter. 💝
So true well said ❤❤❤❤❤❤
I love your realness❤ thank you for you and your work❣️
Yes when you have problems with eachother you have to talk with each other
With language processing issues I often hardly get a chance to get my point across. Ppl are very ‘skilled’ nowadays with narcissistic communication patterns. Going silent and taking distance is, unfortunately, the only thing that’s left when others dominate the conversation. Often they try to convince me what I mean, I’m not stupid…., it’s a form of aphasia where I often need to describe what I mean bc it takes too long to remember the right words. Ppl are often so arrogant & condescending I don’t bother with a ‘conversation’, it’s often one sided anyway.
Not allowing someone to get their point across with a handicap is far more aggressive, it’s a primary form of self-expression that’s getting blocked, misinterpreted (in the most negative way) and used in the disadvantage of the handicap. I deserve safe space in a conversation, it’s hard enough as it is to live with this in a spoken language dominated society. Active listening is essential to understand and actually hear what someone means instead of the defensive & attacking communication styles that are used.
The silent treatment & walking away is honestly a gift to myself 🙏🏼🌺
First of all, thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry you haven't found your safe space yet.. 🫂 Your story sounds so similar to mine that it's extremely healing and validating to read, and I hope I'm able to return the favor. I'm handicapped and chronically ill too and the people around me blame me for not being my "happy" self most days while they put words in my mouth and try to convince me that I just need to put more effort into things, or worse that I'm using my handicap/illness as an excuse to not do certain things. I think you'll understand when I say I wish I could live life like healthy people do, and I truly can't put more effort into anything.. I'm exhausted from just trying to cope with the mental and physical pain from my illnesses. Needing to explain our painful experience over and over again to what should be our support system only adds to that exhaustion, not even talking about how confusing and isolating it gets when they continue to not hear us while criticizing & judging us in the process. For 10 years I was gaslighting myself, believed the people around me and blamed myself for not being able to regulate and cope with my illnesses properly. The frustration that comes from living in those circumstances and the guilt that comes from that frustration is hard to deal with.. let alone learning to trust new people in order to build a new support sytem. Sometimes that's our only option, walking away and staying silent. We'll find our chosen family eventually, the universe kind of owes us that right? 😅
Thank you again for expressing yourself, it means more than you think 💝 sending strength and love your way, dear stranger 🍀
Your wisdom felt comes from your heart . Sincere understanding
I'm sooooooo glad to see you on here!!
We're so glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I love you so much! I'm so glad you're helping people!
Yes, family members should be held to the same standards as the ones you've laid out here for good friends.
❤
Really good points, fairy ❤ just hearing your voice makes me feel calm! Thanks for being you ❤
Yes, Anna, you’re right. And they’re very hard to find. Thank you. ❤
Hmm. I had two friends who refused to let me go so I had no choice but to be silent. Others have done it to me with no explanation and I still get it and don't blame them. Sometimes you are in such different worlds that useful conversations become impossible.
Yes so much this. I disagree with CCF. She says iti s a particularly aggressive form of control. It is by nature the opposite, passive.
It is powerful though and many times the only power left in a relationship. A last straw.
@@the_wanderer-03 in my experience the one type of person who cannot endure silent treatment gracefully is a narcissist
Agree 👍
Yes be open to respectful communication. Unless you tried to speak to the person dozens of times and they stonewall you or are condescending, then there isn't any point to talk any longer. let them see how it feels to be ignored. But other than that, yes all true. Good friends should be supportive and encouraging. If they aren't doing something that will cause bodily harm, then be supportive and don't insult or negate what your friend's finds interest in, especially when you wouldnt like it done to you. ❤
This describes an experience I had with a family member.. idealizing and devaluing me. It was extremely painful as I had two narcissistic parents. Devaluation and humiliation. Anna, please keep going.
Sometimes silence is better than outburst, better to simmer down than say what you'll regret...and sometimes the other doesn't make it safe to express your authentic truth, they manipulate your perception and emotions. Sometimes silence is the best treatment!
Setting your boundaries and refusing to argue with them about a topic is not controlling or aggressive. If you can't agree on something, it's better to remain silent than say something heated in an argument you may regret. If you don't want to talk about something and someone continues to press the issue, they are the one being aggressive and controlling. A good friend is not going to always agree and bless something that they honestly don't think is a good idea. You don't have to agree with everything to be a good friend, nor do you have to put up with badgering. You are the one projecting here. You have every right to protect your boundaries and refuse to discuss something you don't feel comfortable with, especially if it's triggering to your trauma. A good friend will respect that and understand. If you value someone you will respect their boundaries and privacy.
Nobody around me wants to have a conversation, they want to monologue so I have to just be quiet!
I've never had a true friend a day in my life. 😢 Only my diary.
Hang in there! Hope Anna's content will help you work on your social life!
Nika@TeamFairy
I recently lost my best friend of 30+ years. I had a very difficult argument with his husband, ending up with hurtful words on both sides. It was my fault, I admit-I lost myself. I apologized ,I felt terrible. But then I got a very long message from the husband, about how awful of a person I am, that I've "always" been that way. I've known him for 16 years. Never once had they said a word about my always doing that...but we're no longer friends and it is breaking my heart. But it was my fault. I deserved it.
Try to be kind to yourself.
Good friends pay attention to you as long as you are not always longing to be in the center of the attention.
SO TRUE ..
Exactly what I thought, and this she prouved in the long run. I was free to accept my sad situation supported by her witty sarcasm, cause she had all her saturdays set up perfectly with our stroll in the center city. Not that I should have been free to run fir my safety from my abusers..no, in some way, better if I'll have died for her, cause that would have give her less fuss after a short moment of sadness..carrying on with a relationship no more at hand, eh, that was an annoying burdain that justified a discard/discharge after 35 years. No doubts I do no lobger trust people. She was more than my sister,..and she was a long-term liar..Yes, they can do that when it serves them well/it is convenient/beneficial to tgem in any way. Sad truth...we are alone and with God.
Thank you
I don't walk out or hang up to control; I do it because I am being verbally abused in the conversation--yelled at, belittled, being emotionally manipulated, not being heard, called names, being treated with contempt... and it is hard to continually take in that poison.
My childhood best friend hated conflict and most of her friendships ended in her ghosting people. I would have people I didn’t know well messaging me on Facebook to ask why she wasn’t talking to them anymore. Eventually she did it to me too and the rest of her family.. It was really painful to lose someone I considered a sister and never know why or what happened.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🎉
Bull, my ex was a real narcissist and finally seeing him as who he is, a genius at manipulation.
My husband use to give me the silent treatment... we are no longer married... I wonder why....😂😂
Interested to hear your thoughts...i jumped too hastily into a friendship. Realised quickly i was dealing with a demanding and selfish personality but didnt have the courage to back out so soon
Finally i did, but didnt give a lot of explanation. I tried to say i had felt judged and that this friend had been too critical of me. We talked again a few days later when she told me I hadnt been clear, I hadnt said anything worth anything in the first conversation and she demanded viciously to know what she had done wrong, because she was sure she could show me that it was me who was the problem. I decided there and then that I didnt stand a chance to try to share authentically with her, as I felt so unsafe. I told her i needed to take a big step back in our friendship. She once again insisted I tell her what she had done
I just walked away feeling helplessly awful, knowing it wasn't my place to try harder to hold up the mirror as she wasn't going to accept it.
Since then she hasnt been speaking to me. I feel like its tough, but im glad i protected myself from anymore of this.
Is there anything I should be telling her? Maybe I have missed something
Thanks ❤
❤️🕊️🙏
❤
Thank you prophet of the Most High God 💕🕊️🙏
What about when someone is attacking you and not listening to you and devaluing you? Are you supposed to just sit there and continue to be at the short end of a one sided convo? It was my understanding trying to reason with someone being unreasonable or controlling is to walk away especially if you're starting to feel triggered yourself and you don't want to lash out at them like they are with you.
Lol you guys let that sot go out of your life
Exactly what I thought, and this she prouved in the long run. I was free to accept my sad situation supported by her witty sarcasm, cause she had all her saturdays set up perfectly with our stroll in the center city. Not that I should have been free to run fir my safety from my abusers..no, in some way, better if I'll have died for her, cause that would have give her less fuss after a short moment of sadness..carrying on with a relationship no more at hand, eh, that was an annoying burdain that justified a discard/discharge after 35 years. No doubts I do no lobger trust people. She was more than my sister,..and she was a long-term liar..Yes, they can do that when it serves them well/it is convenient/beneficial to tgem in any way. Sad truth...we are alone and with God.