being trans & nonbinary online is exhausting and it's cis ppl's fault
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- Опубликовано: 13 янв 2021
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thank u all for the lovely reception on this video!! all of your comments are so thoughtful and i’m looking forward to replying to them :)
I have really similar purple shirt
@transwomen are sexist men omg look at ur channel ur literally obsessed w trans ppl.. get a more productive hobby
@@maisy7502 that’s embarrassing 😬
Lovely video, very informative. Watching from London UK.
I have a question? 🧎🏽♀️is it bad that I sometimes get offended when someone is being rude to a female or females. Like omg why do I keep forgetting I am now a trans enby. Ig it’s bc I’m not able to transition until my depression goes away like I promised my aunt. And everyone still calls me a girl bc I can’t transition yet. But I always feel like I’m faking bc trans bc I always still get offended when they are being mean to females but I hated being a girl that’s why I am now trans but idk why I still get offended it makes me sad when I forget that I am not a girl no more. It makes me feel like I’m misgendering myself. Like ughh why do I keep getting offended even tho I’m not a girl anymore😭✋🏽 like it literally makes me stressed after I forget I am now trans and than I think about it all day. Is it a way I can stop misgendering myself? Is that normal with being trans? Is it bad that sometimes I forget I am now trans?
cis people: stop making your identity your entire personality
also cis people: make our identities our entire personality
YES!! Same thing with straight homophobes and gay people
Yes! Like when you only talk to me about my gender identity, then I’m only going to talk to you about my gender identity. I’m tired of cis ppl refusing to see more of me than just being transmasc when there is a lot more
(Sorry for this mildly incoherent rant)
preach!!!!
False where yall making accounts and posts and also going around getting triggered for nothing cause yall are making it your only personality or emotion so your comment was just dumb
@@kuggacouragegx6093 getting triggered over nothing? like being misgendered or having our existance be invalidated? no one makes their gender their entire personality but considering how you identify plays a role in who you are it's obviously gonna crop up somewhere, people constantly bring up our identities as a way to attack us so we obviously end up talking abt it more because we spend so long defending our existence. i have interests and hobbies that have nothing with how i identify and so does every other trans person out there.
U know the meme of like ‘trans people talking to other trans people about gender’ and it’s like a group of philosophers and then ‘trans people talking to cis people about gender’ and it’s like a preschool teacher? Yeah.
That actually happened to me though like, at a trans camp I went to(best week of my life) we did a gender identity workshop and literally talked for over 2 hours
Yeah, I know it, it's somewhere in my meme library 😂 But for real tho
Lmao yeah, I have to really simplify how I talk about my gender when talking to people from my hometown or people who are unfamiliar. Of course that's normal everyone has to start learning somewhere. It's just really funny for me to go from talking with my dad about gender and using easy terms for him, to talking about gender with a trans friend and using all the microlabels and terminology and shit that we understand.
When I talk to my friends about my gender I talk in depth about how I feel and xenogenders and pronouns- and when I explain it to my mom I have to simplify it down to the simplest terms
As a cis person, yea. I am trying to learn but folks do have to simplify things quite a bit
i found the "youre non biney??" joke funny because i always interpreted it as other non-binary people mocking that misguided and infantalizing allyship that can often come from cis people. But now that cis people are running it into the ground its like........... i dunno bro, i don't really feel like you were in on this joke in the first place
Agreed
I found it funny because haha misspellings
Yea I felt like it was a funny NB inside joke sorta, and like cis people came and took it like they ruin everything else 🤣✌🏻
im non biney and i have no spiney, look upon my works ye mighty and despair
:/ yea like hun no offense but this is the exact behaviour we were mocking in the first place
On the flip side, as a trans woman, I’m often over sexualized, especially since I’m goth. I want to be seen as cute and sweet not strong and sexy. I like long frilly skirts, fluffy hair and lacy blouses. I wear my hair naturally curly probably 75% of the time. To an extent being very covered and shy, and having natural curls does occasionally help me pass better, but it’s not because I’m trying to distance myself from trans women who dress in a very glamorous sexy way, I just don’t want to dress that way.
My goodness this is exactly how I feel 💖
@@hq4287 it’s nice to know there are other girls who feel the same way. I love your scarf in your profile picture
Fellow goth here 😊! This is maybe a goth problem, many normies see us as kinky freaks. I had an old dude coming at me asking if I would be his dome 😳! I'm a round trans man wearing leather and spikes, but it doesn't mean that I am into SM... 😒
Being trans and goth often mean double-fetishization...
But, yes, we can be goth and cute! 🙂
@@talithacrow7530 thank you 💞
@@Johnny_T779 I don’t get that, but I get children being either very scared of me, or asking if I can do some magic or something for them
My worst pet peeve is cis people saying “m’theydy” or “uwu, they-by” as if everyone’s cool with ppl making jokes about their pronouns. Like dude I wasn’t comfortable to begin with, just be cool.
Jack Holland also: it adds a binary to the concept of being non binary (AFABs tend to be called 'theydy' and AMABs tend to be called 'gentlethem')
@@romancarlise4738 Also just doesnt respect nonbinary people who dont use they/them.. like thanks for the thought i guess but im not a woman lite who uses they/them lmfao im just nonbinary.
YES THIS 1000x !!!
personally, i’m totally fine with these jokes and usually find them kinda funny but cis people saying this shit totally unprompted???? it’s so infantilizing and i hate it. if the person you’re talking to is comfortable with and enjoys those jokes, go for it! but assuming all non-binary people are some kind of hive mind that all find the same thing funny is so annoying and disrespectful.
WOOF I feel that. I've got an friend of a friend whos _lovely_ but can't seem to address me as anything but "m'theydy."
And its like, I know you're trying, and i appreciate it, this is rly weird and a little dehumanizing a little bit though-
funny enough I don't really mind m'theydy that much, but maybe it's just because I've only heard it in reference to eldrick horror irony.
Cistopher Colombus- a cis person that yoinks trans language/humor for their own.
+
Hahahaha nice
hA
Bruh I laughed harder than I should’ve 😩😩
This is beautiful
I feel kinda sad because soft boy was originally a direct response to the estereotype that all trans guys are hypermasculine and hate feminity, like basically all Kalvin Garrah promotes and talks about. I was on tumblr when that happened and saw how trans men reclaiming "soft bean" was revolutionary because it was like "I am not a paragon of masculinity and I am still very much a man." Like, it was our thing, it came from us, as a response to the box-in that members of our community and people outside put on us. But now going to the other extreme that I see post being "it's okay to be a masculine trans guy! you don't have to be soft if that doesn't resonate with you" like, when I was started seeing that, I was so confused because I have never got the impression that femenine trans guys get even MORE acceptance than gender conforming transmasc people but maybe that is me who is not very active on social media. Also everything becomes the more muddier when you counts cis people in because, like, do you call this trans mas cute because you aknowledge that his masculinity and cuteness don't have to collide at all, like you would actually call a cis man cute too no problem, or because your entire perception of tranmasc people are of little girls with a different name? I can get how navigating that can be frustrating.
Me, as someone that presents masc most days but still feel like having my cute days, I am happy to be both a soft guy and a hardcore bastard. Fuck binaries.
THIS
"Are you calling him cute bc you would call any man cute or bc your concept of trans men is little girls with different names"
*inhales*
HOOOOO BOY if that is not. A mood
Hell yeah.
I'm a trans man. My fiancee calls me gorgeous, beautiful, even pretty. I always hated being called cute or any of those things pre-transition. But she fully acknowledges me as a man, so it doesn't bother me one bit. They are all compliments. Long ago they used to call women "handsome" too. It's just language changing over time. But I love that she calls me those things, because before transition I never had anyone say those kind of compliments to me. She's even seen pre-transition pics of me and said she would have been attracted to me even before transition. She's worried she would offend me, but I think it's sweet. It just shows me she loves me for who I am, no matter what, and not my body parts.
In my experience, masc trans men are seen as more valid but fem trans men are seen as more acceptable/attractive. There's a lot of "trans men are men but men are bad" @ masc trans men, and a lot of weird fetishy stuff @ fem trans men, think the fems get more (hyper)visibility at this moment in time but I dont think I'd feel validated by it if I was a fem trans man if that makes sense
As a cis person who’s still unlearning shit, I can confirm that when cis people jump to compliment a trans person (especially in the third person so they can use their pronouns) it is 100% performative and meant to make the cis person feel like “I’m such an exemplary ally for doing the bare minimum unlike those Bad Cis People, there’s my good deed of the day!” I’ve been there. It’s embarrassing and shameful and not helpful. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this issue. 💜
Dude you nailed it, worded perfectly
....or they could just be trying to be nice. It's damned if you do damned if you don't for cis people it seems.
@@justshifty we're not saying that cis people are bad people if they do this, were just trying to teach them how to be better allies. It's up to us to tell them what is and isn't okay on the topic of trans people and identities. We're not saying "cis people are all bad and they are trying to hurt us" (although some cis people do try to hurt us on purpose). We're saying that what they think is ally-ship actually makes a lot of us uncomfortable and they aren't really helping
@@justshifty however a lot of the time it is purposefully performative, sadly. People claim to be trans allies and then speak over trans people's voices, infantilize us/ fetishize us, and invade trans spaces and use trans slang that was created FOR the community (ie: jokes, music, etc). People will claim to be an ally and then not listen when we tell them that we don't like how they are treating us.
Edit: clarification
@@fluttervixen but do you ever consider that it's impossbile for people to learn and memorise every single litte thing about you? There are so many nuances. There things even people in the same community don't agree on. I am going through something similar with my sister who thinks she has adhd. She is suddenly trying to police every single phrase, word, action, gesture or even tone I use because it triggers her. Like pls don't kill me for pouring your tea wrong and saying 'what' in a specific tone I just literally can't memorise every. Single. Little. Thing. Some of which are instictive to compensate for my own struggles. 😭
Also, add a language barrier to that too. Coming from a language with no gendered pronouns and limited lgbtq jargon - it's pure anxiety.
Ngl, I kinda miss when "ur nonebiney?" was a joke used by nonbinary people as a jokey fun thing... now it kind of feels like it's an infantilizing joke for cis people to use. Like with other trans people I know they mean it in a fun manner but with cis people, it can really come across as, "well look at this tiny wittle creature! uwuwuwu allyship!". I mean, it's an issue that stems outside of this meme, but it's an example.
And the whole frog thing? Same.
oh my god, it's not just me who thinks they're infantilizing us with the "uwu valid nonbiney soft bean" shit
exactly like when it was just on twitter it was completely fine then cis mfs just had to take it to tiktok like they do with literally every single joke ever
It’s still funny when nb people use it tho. Had no idea it was also cis people doing it
I kinda thought that the whole "nonbiney" thing was mocking cis people who infantilize nonbinary people... which makes it weird when they copy it because it just sounds like the infantilizing that is being mocked
i am a very soft pastel style NB person, and I love the trends that are like 'frog' or 'snail' or 'worm on string', they make me happy, but I can't stand the generalization of all NB people like-- Yes I like frogs, no not all NB people have to like frogs to be NB.
+ no, you're not nb because you like frogs and don't fit at %100 with the gender stereotypes/ definitions
@@luciel1075 they never said that was what made them nb? Just that they are and like those things
@@baphometbby i was adding things to the comment of xrose
NB is actually how to shorten "Non/Not black"! Enby is the correct way to shorten nonbinary!
Im the manliest transwoman alive and i fuckin love frogs
“go he/it go” please, just call me a slur at this point, stop,,,,,
LMFAO IKR
It's so belittling and rude.. its devaluing the people that are brave enough to put their pronouns out there.
I've never had anyone tell me "Go she/her go". That's just plain bizarre.
why is it so hard to just say "go enby go"
Unrelated but I like your pfp!
this might be unrelated but i especially hate the "m'theydy" and "go they/them go !!" stuff because it perpetuates the stereotype that all nonbinary ppl go by they/them pronouns . as a nonbinary (agender specifically) person who goes by exclusively he/him and neopronouns it doesn't sit right with me .
I love that for you though, I use neo and he/him pronouns too!!! Nice to see more neopronoun users around :)!!!
i also use he/him and neopronouns!! :)
Also it’s kinda like they don’t even see us as human. They say it like we’re some kind of animal or object, it just feels really weird and uncomfortable :/
I use they/them and I hate when cis people say m'they'd and gentlethem, I use they/them because they is gender neutral (for me) and then cis people try to gender the genderless pronoun.
i identify as a demigirl, but instead of like,, she/they or they/them , i use fae/faer and ey/em so yeah i 100% agree!!
It’s also really annoying because it seems to minimize the difficulties of being trans. People seem to think that by making trans “cute” they don’t have to grapple with their transphobia or even just understand the transphobia I’ve gone through with my family. If something is cute, it’s easy and non-threatening. It doesn’t require active societal and policy change. It’s a way of minimizing our struggles. I don’t think it’s always on purpose, but it does make me uncomfortable. Thank you for making this video!
It is Your struggle, it should not be other people's struggle that you people are delusional. Also, there are a loooot more important things to make policy changes on than ''Trans'' people's insecurities. Like, protecting children from dirty pedo's and in general to ban perverts, sane people can agree on that. Sooo.
I have only recently been able to use words to describe my gender and going on twitter and seeing people say the same hurtful shit we had on Tumblr is so tiring. Being a non-binary lesbian means people just keep trying to call me something I'm not or that I'm "woman lite" like no bro, that's not it at all.
"Diet woman" lol. The struggle is real though (nb guy)
I'm in the same boat, except I've been describing myself in similar terms for quite a while. But I keep finding the day to day real world getting harder to navigate as cis/hets become more aware of my existence. Whenever they think they've "caught up" or "figured it out" (what is "it"? Are WE "it"?), it's another burden they want to heap on us. And, geez, I think we're all tired enough without any extra burdens created by other people to no apparent purpose.
omg a fellow non binary-lesbian ahhhh!! Can I just say that figuring out I was enby was a process of “wait women don’t feel vaguely detached and separated from their bodies and cry with joy when they look androgynous??? Guess I’m not a girl!!” Even though she pronouns don’t bother me, they/them and fae pronouns make me feel something.
@@KazKindred613 exactly! I use she/her for convenience but using they/them and co/cos makes me feel the elusive feeling of Gender Euphoria. Figuring out I'm not a woman, but not a man, and overall, neutral about the whole ordeal, made me think "oh so THIS is what I can be". The way enby lesbians are treated right now by exclusionists is really wack because we have always been around! Historically we have been living as lesbians not only bc "oh they didn't have the word trans then", but because we exist!! Anyway. Sorta went on a tangent there. Point is, we are valid and awesome and I'm happy to know there are more of us
yes!! this!! i am also a non binary lesbian and it kinda fuckin sucks because terfs will tell you not to use the term lesbian and other people will say "you arent lesbian/sapphic, youre trixic" and like.... no 💞
One of the issues I've noticed is people having a HUGE bias for infantilizing pre-T trans guys. Notice how most of the fetishized trans guys are usually pre-T? It's pretty harmful to see how infantilized they are because they are pre-T. They view pre-T trans men as soft no matter how they present. (I'm not saying all trans men go on T or want to! I'm just talking about the majority that I've been exposed to!)
right I've literally seen punk trans masculine people covered in piercings, chains, tattoos, patches that literally say they'll punch n@z¡$. yet I still see people in the comments babying them, even if they are literal grown adults
@@hideakisorachi3953 that's so uncomfortable haha
i used to go on omegle to talk to other trans people and it was full of straight cis men thinking trans men are woman.... it made me really uncomfy
My brain instinctively read this comment with a lisp, or rather a lii2p
I’ve never seen pre-T trans guys fetishized tbh. All the trans man porn is very much late-T and post too surgery…
Granted, I am by no means part of the online trans community. I don’t even know any trans people irl aside from myself .. just hear to learn about how the other side lives I guess
i hate being infantalized as a nonbinary person so much. if i see one more cis person use “non biney 🥺” or “theydie/theyby” i’m gonna start putting my boot to some cheekbones.
like i’m 22, i’m grown. i’m not a bean,,, i’m an adult
Ugh "soft bean", vomit worthy
EDIT: If you're comfortable with that term being used to describe that's totally cool, but it's crossing a boundary to call strangers that. Just wanted to clarify I'm not trying to call anyone who likes being called that cringy.
i hate being infantalized if i see one more cis person use “non biney, i'll throw all my toys out the pram, good one
i hate the "m'they'dy" and "gentlethem" 'compliments' like shut up !!!
I don't mind them I think they can be funny but I wish things like that along with like "go they/them go" didn't reach cis people lmao
I have never hear m’they’dy that so dumb LMAOO
They're trying to gender gender-neutral people and it's weird. Like this person feels uncomfortable with masc/fem language and here you are, using the same disguised language under the guise of being supportive. It's uncomfortable. That being said, I personally really like the world thembo, it makes me happy because himbos and bimboes are pretty gendered, so there's an actually neutral derivative.
I only like them from fellow nonbinary people or trans masc peeps
@@nstewart1623 part of my dysphoria is people going out of their way to use gendered language for me because I'm still mostly in the closet and look like a woman (I'm agender). Like when they say "Guys.... and girl". Just say guy if that's what you'd use if I wasn't there
Not being seen as a "real" trans man because the soft boy trope being AUTOMATICALLY applied to me is irritating. Especially since I have trauma tied in to people infantalizing me.
It was so weird watching cis people snatch trans and nonbinary jokes and start applying them to All of us. Like I'm agender and I love the "you're non biney?? You don't have any biney? That's so cool" meme because it makes me feel nice but its very obvious that a lot of nonbinary people would see it as infantilizing and now its harder to like it. It makes me so uncomfortable watching cis people joke about how all nonbinary people only listen to mother mother because it, like you said, turns us into a monolith. Same thing with calling all nonbinary people cryptids.
Didn't know listening to Mother Mother was an enby stereotype. I've seen the phrase "Nonbinary cryptid" a few times but I always saw it from nonbinary people and I didn't know people were really out here calling all nonbinary people cryptids, I wish the dehumanizing would stop smh
The sad thing is is that those jokes started from young nonbinary people who wanted something like listening to girl in red but for being nonbinary and then cis people took it and killed it
@@Sacara13 sucks cause I'm enby and super into Mother Mother but now I'm gonna feel weird bringing it up to friends
it always starts out with enbies making the jokes and its funny but then the cisses take the joke and run it into the ground :/
@@doctora.snakeman1427 I love calling myself a cryptid and joking about loving mother mother (I do, I'm referring to joking about the stereotype), but when I say it I KNOW that it's just a joke and i dont immediately view every other nonbinary person like that. I'm also fully aware that its not the only thing that makes up my identity. when cis people do it, it's kinda hard not to see it as them stereotyping us. I know they dont mean to, but it just comes off as reducing our identity to a single thing.
I often wonder if the whole cuteness angle stems from cis people seeing transmen and transmasc people as less "intimidating" or "different" than trans women. They might see us as tomboys or boys because we are often shorter than cis men and so they go all UwU on us. I personally am probably too old to fit into the cute box, at 30, and I'm very happy I don't as I would definitely feel uncomfortable if someone called me cute. It also reminds me a lot of a certain flavour of allies telling gay couples how cute they are to an extent where it's no longer flattering and more annoying.
This super annoys me as a trans woman and a non-binary person. I just wanna be seen as both cute and radical! Is that too much to ask!
@@hq4287 I noticed the second that trans feminine people areng wearing makeup or excessively dressed people stop calling them cute. of course not for everyone, but it still feels kinda icky. cis women dont have to lavishly dress everyday, I dont get why everyone expects transfem people to do so
@@hideakisorachi3953 exactly thank you for saying this!
as an uwu soft boy i get pissed too like- cis people still see me as a woman even tho im literally just a floral kind and pretty man... like pls know that my softness isnt limited to my "being a woman" its just cause im soft and i cry like..... idk i love women, im not one tho
EXACTLY THANK YOU
yeah as an uwu soft boy myself, it's like cis people see all transmasc people as uwu soft, except those of us trying to present that way who they just misgender
That's very sexist too, since it implies that to be a woman means to be soft or cute. I am a cis woman and I want to be strong and a cold bastard, I never want to marry and I cringe at the idea of being a mother. It's not feminine or masculine, it's just me as a person. 💁 I find these labels have no inherent meaning at all. I like men who don't look/into what's traditionally considered 'masculine' and when they ask me 'can you still see me as a man tho' I could tear my hair out. I literall don't care, I just look at you as person first. If you think you are a man then you are.
@@debesys6306 exactly T^T
as a nonbinary afab person, i agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying. i'm not trying to excuse the people that act like this but i think that it might come down to the way that women look at most cis men, especially strangers, and how unsafe they can feel around them. they assume that trans men are "safer" to be around, and categorize them as uwu soft boys to maintain the sensitiveness and security that they project onto them.
Yes, I think so! But it feels as though we're not seen as adult men or non-binary people.
I'm treated like a cute teenager even though I am an adult, it's belittling.
Yes exactly! I've had a friend of mine telling me she sometimes still sees me as a girl(which on it's one really hurts) and that that's a big reason in why she still feels safe with me(she's been hurt a lot by men in her life, which I completely understand that she'd feel uncomfortable and I'm not trying to blame her but it still kinda hurt.. A lot)
I confess I am one of those women, I feel disillusioned by what society considers a typical man and typical manly behaviour and I am just happy to be around people who are not like that. However I never even knew about these bands, words and phrases etc cis people use and I feel like it is in big part an 'internet' and 'young people' problem'. I don't go around commenting or talking about strangers on twitter or tumblr, I just mind my own business and treat people as people?
I think a lot of women do that with cisgender gay men as well. Some of them end up overstepping their boundaries and treating them less like they would cishet men, and a lot of it is because they kind of view you as "[like] one of the girls"?? Am I making sense?
my whole thing is lately i have no idea what counts as a soft boi to cis people anymore. in 2016, the archetype was Very Obvious; flower crowns, big sweaters, cavetown fan, probably really likes dan and phil. that archetype is cool and fun and good, even though it was applied to Every Transmasc Ever, but lately it seems like soft boi is used for every transmasc Regardless of their aesthetic and how they present themselves. I don't feel like a soft boi anymore, but I feel like I generally get that label slapped on and i'm like,,,,why? Is it cause i listen to kinda bubbly indie music? Is it cause I'm not on T? Is it cause I often stutter when I speak and am sometimes Really Nervous in social situations? (if so then,,,literally i have anxiety and i'm autistic lol thanks for calling my struggles "cute," cis people /s). It's really fucking weird.
I’m a baby enby and tme but I really feel you about the anxiety and stuttering. I’ve had people in recent years tell me ‘how cute’ it is and it’s just so uncomfortable. I hate how cis/abled bodied/nerotypical people can fetishize things that are often so painful to people.
Yuh :0
Autistic trans gang. Double the infantilization, double the fun!
-_-
my depression and anxiety has resulted in me in being very soft spoken and I worry about this a lot. I also dont dress very "soft", my body just happens to be quite small. I wanna wear more clothes that seem cutesy, but I hate the idea of people seeing me as innocent and "smol"
@@hideakisorachi3953 im just kind of scared of people like fetishizing me along with infantilization
omg i literally hate when people say go they/them or refer to my gender as they. like wtf no.
I absolutely hate it too. It's something I've taken and used as a joke between my friends, but in real life, my partner has been asked if they were "a they/them" by some cis girls and it's.... Gross
Annoying too
And then they still misgender you
yeah, not all enbys use they/them and not all cis people use she/her or he/him, i personally am nb and use they/them, but i also use fae/faer and ey/em
As a cis guy, I really appreciate the super good-faith criticisms of cis culture. I’m always looking to deconstruct my biases and learn and I’m happy to have found this corner of RUclips
@@Sacara13 I interpreted his comments as meaning "cisnormative" culture
@@softgender I definitely did mean cisnormative culture, but I used the small words instead of the big but more accurate words, and that’s my fault
@@Sacara13 This is old, but let's be honest; most cultures are cisnormative .
I feel this video so much. Trans jokes only stay in the trans community only. When my nonbinary friends joke abt me liking Mother Mother as a nonbinary person I laugh. When a cis person says it things like that, I feel a deep rage. Like stop.... if ur not also trans it makes me feel weird...
i’m nonbinary and also like mother mother this feels like an attack /j
I am also non-binary and I love mother mother
That's how I felt when cis people started doing "This is my voice on ___" jokes. I was looking forward to doing that so much once I started HRT, but it literally made me more hesitant to do so if it's just seen as a meme.
My partner is nonbinary and we both listen to mother mother, should I stop making jokes like that?
Haven't even watched the video yet but as a nonbinary person I already 1 million percent agree
yes i agree too
same here
I LOVE YOUR PFP
fax no printer
Same
As a Cis person, I am aware that I will never understand the experience. I wish to be a good ally and I hope to learn and be educated.
that's a good start, but honestly, the best thing to do is *educate yourself* - don't ask to "be educated," do the work yourself *show* us that you're going to be a good ally. i hope this doesn't sound harsh - i'm glad you want to learn and help!
@@achilleus9918 thank you, honestly I want to do whatever is necessary to be a good ally. What I want to convey is that I wish learn as much as possible so that I can be able to support All trans people I meet and like you did just now by telling me I need to educate myself I am learning and I want to thank you again.
Honestly, what I did was just be as open minded as possible. I'm kind of (actually very) lazy when it comes to 'educating' myself on my own terms, so I instead just listen to what people have to say, combine all the POVs I've heard, and make a reasonable consensus of what is accurate.
When it comes to deliberately looking up studies or stuff like that, it all becomes too much for me to digest. I then fear that I'll fully accept something that _sounds_ reasonable to me, but might actually not be all that reasonable, and just roll with that without looking further. That's basically how I became a reactionary years ago.
@@juniperfox1064
She's actually one of the ways I get my info, her research document is great! My brain melts if I try to go into and read all the citations, but it appears to be legitimate, which is enough for me to take it seriously. That, and Riley herself argues them very well, so I listen to her when she talks about academic/medical stuff.
👅🥾
I'm in this paradoxical state where i want to be an "uwu softboy" but don't ever want to be called an "uwu softboy"(by cis people)
Mood
Same except I want to be called a softie but not because people know I'm trans
@@painslut ye
god I really hate the like "go they/them go." it's So annoying.... and also really really don't like it when cis people use those Weird phrases like.. mtheydy.. gentlethem.. they're just trying to fit non-binary ppl into like!! a cisnormative box
i’m an enby guy and i’ve just defaulted to calling any and everyone who’s comfortable with it that i want to compliment my liege/your majesty/your grace/your excellency/cap’n/commander/etc (theres sO many) like just anyone i’m close to who’s fine with it cause i just really love telling my friends that they are Wonderful and Powerful and the gender neutral terms that already exist are just, way more fun than the gendered ones? and there’s way more of them
@@louloudaki_ EXACTLY YYYY!!! LIKE... I dont Mind masculine terms bc im transmasc but like.... WHY CANT U USE STUFF LIKE U SAID.. captain is so sick like.. yes I own a ship and am a pirate
riley sometimes i also called my friends sorcerers or wizards and the like and it’s even more fitting because we play dnd every week together so it’s actually just True they Are A Wizard
@@louloudaki_ thats SO sick omg !!! I love that for u
@@louloudaki_ this is wonderful and honestly enlightened.
I'm hesitant to tell people the they part of my he/they pronouns because I feel like when I do they see me as not even man lite but just some "cute" genderless creature. since I'm not the manliest I also feel like they're more likely to ignore my 'he'. there is a lot more to being nonbinary than people think :/
SAME I don't tell people I'm nonbinary unless they come out to me as nonbinary as well. I'm just tired. too fucking tired.
THIS^^^ i came out as a he/they to some friends and i don’t think they’ve referred to me as a he Once >:/
@@blackquills27 People do suck at using multiple pronouns.
i!! also have he/they pronouns and do?? understand my friends not using the he/him pronouns for me usually since considering when i met them i was going by like?? exclusively they/them and they arent misgendering me and they've?? made sure it's ok which is pretty epic but i've!! also seen/experienced what you've described online and? yeah it's not great. Like a lot of people tend to ignore all but one set of pronouns?? With he/they specifically it's either they completely ignore the he/him pronouns and refuse to view that part of the person's identity or they completely ignore the they/them pronouns and try to just???? assign binary to the nonbinary person. OR,,, or they look at ppl going by multiple pronouns and go "actually??? not valid im going to Blatantly misgender you" just ohhh,,,,,, they need to stop. like @ ppl who don't use multiple sets of pronouns can y'all please just make a continuous gd effort to acknowledge and use the pronouns ppl go by? (im sorry for this gd paragraph just yeah,,,,) ((also this happens with ppl who use neopronouns ppl refuse to acknowledge or learn how to use them Especially if the person using them also uses she/her, he/him, or they/them))
@@pastel_river520 Omg I feel this so much!!! I recently have begun to realize I’m probably non-binary because I’ve felt gender euphoria with certain clothes and terms... and they/fae (mostly fae) pronouns just HIT DIFFERENT and make my heart go “!!!!”, while she/her is mostly “meh”, although it doesn’t actively make me uncomfortable. I’m kinda scared to tell people because I’m already a lesbian and it’s complicated, and I don’t want people to start treating me like I’m inhuman, if that makes sense?? Like I’m just a person... not to mention that I have 0 representation so I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about any of this
As a mixed 5, 11 ft thicc androgynous man, I felt trapped between people asking me to weight train to gain more mass (culinity?), and those who expected me to starve and get top surgery to fit into the uwu trope.
They all went silent when I showed them the "dope show" Marilyn Manson video and said that THIS is my ideal body shape 😝! Cis people just can't stand that some of us aren't insecure or ashamed... I feel like the uwu stamp is a way for them to express some kind of pity, like they would with disabled people (saying "you're soo brave" and such).
Ugh yess! I feel like the "uwu soft boy/enby!!!!" came around because of cis people seeing us as the gender we were assigned at birth. I've noticed it's especially bad with gnc non-binary and trans guys. I mean even androgynous guys/non-binaries are viewed this way, the stereotypical non-binary IS the "soft boy" aesthetic. Yk it's also so annoying that they/them has been attached to everything non-binary. Like i us several pronouns (one of those being they/them), but it just feels like people view my other pronouns as invalid :/ like I have been kicked out of discord servers because I asked to use it/it's pronouns.
When Ashton mentioned performative cis ally ship, reminded me the tiny controversy that happened on Indya Moore’s insta where people projected falseness to their appearance. Basically their followers assumed they got breast augmentation and that spiraled into blatant transphobia bc how being trans feminine is inherently “fake”. Also, covering how trans femme people are perceived differently from trans masc people is interesting. Like Ashton said, it’s all about over sexualization which sucks, or the worse version which is to be seen as a threat 😓
Oh god, I had a cis woman tell me "you're what's wrong with the trans community" because I said something like "cis people make being trans a painful experience". I think that really shows how entitled cis people feel to trans spaces that she even thought that was something she could decide. I can't even complain about how cis people treat me without being attacked? Like I'm sorry, but I'm not going to coddle you even if you claim you're an "ally". Odds are that you're a lot more transphobic than you think.
Even if you WERE in the wrong, blaming an entire trans community on a singular trans person is stupid.
My least favorite instances of infantilizing enbies on Tik Tok:
- "You're nonbinary? Show me your favorite plushies!"
- "m'they'dy", "theybies", "go they/them go"
- " guys will ____, girls will ____, but nonbinary people will eat your kneecaps"
-"nonbinary queen!/king!"(without the creator liking being called gendered language)
i’m not gonna eat your kneecaps let me hoard my rocks in peace
If someone says that I will eat their kneecaps... I will literally eat their kneecaps out of rage
For that last one, they could’ve just said nonbinary monarch or something
@@herossoup6027 precisely, it sounds much more regal, too
Man, I don’t really have a thing for plushies, mostly since it just gathers dust in my room, I just have no interest on it tbh. I do however, love slime and putties, they’re nice to play with
I love this video, I’m a trans guy who really leans into femme and soft aesthetics but it really is important to ensure that we don’t let our trans comrades and ourselves be pigeonholed. Thank you for talking about this, and for speaking directly to cis folks about the ways they oppress trans people
If someone ever calls me a trans *boy* i will scream, i’m fucking 20 bro im not a *boy* i’m a *man* anyway you look super cool and i wish i had an ounce of the eyeliner skills u have
The visceral sense of relief I felt when hearing your voice after a long conversation about trans stuff with my parents- thank you!!!
Oof. I hope there was something productive in that
@@riversrhodell2359 I hope so, it was exhausting though.
as a fellow non-binary, yes.
It feels like cis people have a sort of entitlement to the parts that they like about the trans community. Cis people have no right to take out jokes and language and apply them to people who don't like it. The great thing about when trans people makes the jokes is that the trans people who like the jokes can make them and the people who don't don't have to.
Anyways, did people need to be quiet /hj
my partner does this to me ALL THE TIME and the cute shit is 100% their aesthetic but it's absolutely not mine and i'm so sick of it but they won't listen and i'm shit at explaining it? so thanks for the "how to" video, sending to them now
Good luck with your situation, if this doesn’t work I’d really recommend just saying it outright. You deserve to be comfortable💖
I definitely felt that bit about following trans people that don’t fit expectations. I feel like if I post pictures of me on my blog, everyone will be like, “you don’t look nonbinary.” I just... lately I’ve been feeling a lot of societal pressure to be “valid enough.” I like dresses, I like wearing dresses, but lately it just feels invalidating because I know people look at me and think, “girl.” It just makes me dysphoric, bc I’m “girly,” I like stereotypically “girly” aesthetics and things, and I just.... ugh. It’s just cloth, it doesn’t mean anything, and I *like* how I dress, but... it’s not what people call “androgynous,” you know? I feel people see me and think.... “girl lite,” but that’s not me, that’s not what this is. I’m not a girl at all, so it’s just... frustrating. It didn’t use to bug me as much, but lately it has, and... it’s just frustrating. I know no ones going to respect my pronouns at work/jobs, once I’m employed, because I don’t look a certain way, and because a lot of people just don’t acknowledge the nonbinary identity. When I was younger, it was easier, in a way, I think. Maybe I should wear more pants, but that just feels like giving up.... Like I’m letting people who say I’m not valid win. It’s pretty upsetting.
I feel you! I also wear a lot of skirts and dresses cause I like how comfy they are and the silhouette. But since I figured out I am non binary I feel like that will make it harder to be accepted which sucks cause it shouldn't be an issue to be accepted/respected or not in the first place :(
I tend to wear oversized black band shirts and I never do anything with my hair or anything seen as feminine while I still look like a woman to everyone... but once I look more neutral and maybe ambiguous, I want to fully embrace those things. It just makes me uncomfortable seeing a "female" body wearing feminine clothes when I look in the mirror but I'm also scared that people think I'm faking it or I'm not really who I say I am
I get that. I'm pretty sure I'm a demiboy, but I worry that people will reject me or not see me as valid because I'm kinda feminine and prefer cutesy, "girly" things over most "masculine" things. I'm so tired of being seen as a girl, but I don't want to have to drastically change my appearance or interests in order to be accepted. I just want to be myself, and for others to accept me the way I am. Is that so much to ask?
Just wanted to leave a comment to unironically say you're valid and that concern is so valid, and I relate to you so hardcore :( I'm also a feminine leaning nonbinary person and I'm constantly worried people are thinking: "god, if you're gonna look like a girl, why not just be a girl and make MY life easier" and it's so nerve-wracking... but I always end up just thinking, "no. no, I went through so much work to get here and I have a right to myself," non binary doesn't even mean "androgynous" it just means not man or woman, and femininity and masculinity exists in both binary genders anyway- so no. We are non binary, we get to decide what that means and how it can be presented. So just know, you're not alone.
@@purraultpurralta5612 but if someone looks like what society usually consideres a man or a woman then how should people know that they indetify as something else? And even if they visibly don't conform to these norms, it's still doesn't tell people what exactly do they indentify with. Should they just ask every single time? Isn't that tiring and annoying to the person who gets asked? I'm honestly interested.
The three people who disliked don't know how to yodel
smh
Shoot neither do I. But if I learn maybe I’ll be a good ally???
damn. 39 people cant yodel.
"if trans people should not make their gender identity their whole personality, why is it everything you see about them then?" - me, last week, in a genius moment during a conversation w a person like the ones you talked about. they got kinda quiet after that.
another one with nonbinary people is the whole “uwu frog stuffed animals mother mother” sort of thing?? like i personally fall into that trope, as i am into goblincore and enjoy mother mother, but cis people will go huge lengths to apply it where it very much does not fit. also “m’theydy and gentlethem” are personally so weird to me. like some people do like these terms, but they just feel gendered to me. plus, when the hell would you call a cis person m’lady or gentleman???? that’s just not something people do anymore??
i force myself to listen to mother mother and like frogs so people like me and for some reason i feel like people will say "YOU DON'T LIKE FROGS WHICH MEANS YOUR NOT NONBINARY, YOUR A MISTAKE, HAHAHAHAHHAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA" i don't really like mother mother anymore i don't like frogs. i like snails. slugs. other things. but with that mindset it's hard.
jackie YEAH like i rly don’t like mother mother that much anymore bc i was like “oh haha i’m nonbinary i gotta listen to it” n like i still think things like frogs and possums n stuff r pretty swag but not every nby person likes them and like i have other personality traits than thinking that frogs are kinda cute like,,, ppl online try to boil nby ppl down to just those things which doesn’t work, especially with how broad the term nby is.
i am GOING to start using "go she/her go!" or "go he/him go!" for my cis friends
PLEASE do, that so is so fucking funny. I love talking about the cissies like they talk about us, they get so confused
I'm a ciswoman and I don't even like being called "cute" or "soft", so I can't imagine what it must be like for a guy who was mistaken for a girl for part of his life.
Alternate for "Go they/them go!": Way to go bud. You got this fam! Great job mate. Keep it up you wonderful human. (If you're using a phrase that includes referring to the person)
i camp out as nonbinary to some toxic ex friends and the first thing they said was “Awwww, you’re out little nonbinary friend now!” and when i said not to talk to me that way they told me not to be mean to them for being supportive. then they shamed me for wanting to go by he/him (i now go by they/them), THEN they shamed me for being bisexual and told me i had to be pan. i instantly went back into the closet. i think the jokes that people make online just go too far and affect the way trans people are treated.
as an asexual transmasc person, this whole thing gives me huge amounts of dysphoria. I feel like due to my identity labels I'm especially forced into this trope. This just makes me feel like due to my orientation, society sees me as childlike. I vibe a lot with the word gender-non-conforming despite being nonbinary: I feel like my androgyny is more associated with a sort of rebelliousness, where I want to destroy gender norms, I want my appearance alone to upset those social norms that have hurt me so much. A sort of "hard androgyny". But in this society androgyny is seen as weak and/or degrading, and people push their idea of me on me ignoring my real self. I feel like I'm never gonna be taken seriously, no matter what I do I'll always be seen as that silly girl who just does this for attention, I feel like I will only ever be rejected or tokenized. No one will seriously respect me as the person I am the same way they respect cis people.
I definitely relate to parts of this! I’m also afab, and while I’m not transmasc (although people calling me sir instead of ma’am would be nice lol) I want to be seen as pretty/elegant in a masculine way,,, but because I have a curvy body it’s hard to be taken seriously unless I dress aggressively masculine, and I’m aiming for more “pretty anime boy/Renaissance pirate/fairy elf” than aggressively butch :( idk if it’s just me because I know 0 nb people and have 0 representation so I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel...
I read somewhere that people who are not in marginalized groups should strive to see people in marginalized groups as individuals and strive to see their own group as a monolith. Too often, they do the opposite. I'm annoyed by the infantilizing stereotypes of nonbinary people. (In my ideal world, "enby" would be a word to describe yourself, not to describe other people. It sounds cutesy to me.) I'm also annoyed with cis people (as well as male, white, straight, etc. people) who seem to think they're different than every other person in their group and, therefore, criticism of people in their group doesn't apply to them. (I'm white and I recognize that I am not exempt from criticisms of white culture. When I speak about people in non-marginalized groups, I'm including myself, just to be clear. I'm not expecting more from cis people than I expect from myself.)
trans ppl can use my pronouns as nouns but it a cis person does it that's a block babey
69 likes. nice
i don't mind being called cute but i def wouldn't want to be called soft as if im somehow lesser then a cis guy
im fine with being seen as soft but I don't really like being called it
Calling trans men/trans masculine people "soft, cute and innocent" is the same as calling trans women/trans feminine people "dominant, masculine and hypersexual". Chances are that these people especially wish to avoid that type of descriptions for they might cause the worst dysphoria especially for these people.
I kinda just accepted that ill never be feminine lmao, im fyckin 6'5 and built like a tree cant speak for anyone else but its easier for me to just own up to being huge and play the bad bitch, fyck anyones expectations i dont need to be "girly" to be a girl
ivve had so many people call me "m'theyde" and its so annoying. its literally putting a gender to something thats not (generally) supposed to be gendered. its so wweird.
My favorite compliment is “rad”. Hard to offend someone by calling them rad as hell! I’m personally completely unsure of my gender identity right now so I don’t want to invalidate anybody and make them feel bad. That isn’t fun. It’s more fun to make people smile and feel good and keep being rad. Rad is just so universal and great. People should be using rad more.
Except if people think you're calling them a radfem-
My favourite compliment is swaggy/swag.
@@soyboy6953 gases
I love saying “tubular”
Rad is universal because there is solar radiation in space or is it cosmic radiation? I'm not sure, I was playing Mass Effect: Andromeda and I was on a giant asteroid and was instructed not to leave my vehicle because there is too much cosmic radiation that my body wouldn't be able to handle. So, when someone says you are universally rad, they mean that you are so awesome that the human body can not handle your power.
I feel like I'm "the nonbinary person" that a lot of cis people see. I'm a skinny white afab kid who likes big sweaters. sometimes it rly does feel like a box though. cis people are constantly trying to box nonbinary people in to this "category" and its infuriating. to most people I'm seen as "women lite" and it's awful. I'm not out to many people but to those am out it's pretty obvious. I'm pretty fem and small and I have a higher voice. my prounouns are he/they and void/voids. but all the people I talk to just use they/them and it sucks. because I know they do this because I'm more fem and it makes them more comfy or whatever.
I also hate the phrase "girls gays and theys" nonbinary people dont have to use they/them. there isn't a certain set of prounouns that nonbinary ppl have to use. I wish cis people would get that out of their heads. I've seen so many ppl say "nonbinary means u use they/them". also "theys" just ugh I'm not a prounoun I'm just a person. and cis people saying go they/them go is so frustrating. and commenting on trans people's post using the third person. theres the word you. I think a good sort of rule of thumb is use the word you unless someone has said hey I'm trying out new prounouns could you refer to me as them in the comments.
I used to really like the whole "non beany" thing I thought it was sweet and it made me euphoric but now that cis people are using it feels babying to me. also the term enby. I like calling myself and enby cause it's a shorter word and takes less time to type out but cis ppl have made it the whole soft enby uwu so cute thing. its annoying.
Trans and nonbinary people present in so many ways and cis people shouldn't categorize us. a lot of the time its cis people who are making our whole personality that we're trans but I'm not just trans. I'm a person who happens to be trans.
this comments kinda long oops oh well
i know what you mean. im also white, afab, skinny, i like sweaters and frogs and stuff, and it makes me sad seeing how everything gets centered around this image of what society wants us to look like. i know its not really my fault but i almost feel bad at this point when there are stereotypes that i do fit into. Trans POC, disabled people, amab, transfems, all body types, all styles and expression, etc. need to be more normalized and included in the community, and we need to not be seen as only one thing. But i also dont like having that type of attention from cis white people. its kind of hard to explain but it feels invalidating somehow to be seen as what people think most nonbinary kids are like? like those things are a coincidence, they're not the reason im trans and i would still be nonbinary if i wasnt any of those things. for example it bugs me when people assume everyone is afab, not only because not everyone is and amab and intersex people are just as valid, but also because i dont want to be associated with my agab any more than i already am!! its just a situation thats harmful to everyone and its stupid. :(
i really liked all the jokes and memes and stuff too... they used to make me laugh and feel better. i really dont want to lose them but ive seen them being used in not nice ways more and more :c
I didnt know about the "enby" thing. I never associated it with a certain aesthetic, but if I should stop using it (for my characters) I will.
read the title and immediately liked
holy shit so i've been out to myself as trans nonbinary for probably 2 years/a year and a half now? and you mentioning kovu just completely rejogged my memory of watching him waY before i even thought that i could be trans!! thats wild, this video is so relatable!!
I love how you talk about tumblr like it doesn’t exist anymore as if the rest of us aren’t still trapped on there. tbh, the fact that the discourse has gone away and the platform is so broken means that these days it’s one of the only tolerable social media.
But you’re absolutely right. I think a big part of it also comes from cis people being more aware of trans people and get glimpses of trans culture, and then assume they can gleefully participate without actually understanding it. I despise the way the cis take all our in-jokes and culture, and turn it into something intrusive and malicious
Well put aghh "gleefully participate" is exactly it
Ah yes we "Love" when people judge other people for how they look or how they act 😃🙄🔪
As someone who is nonbinary, aspec and kin I constantly find myself defending my identities or receiving hate... even within my own communities. Its exhausting alright. I wish neopronouns and xenogenders were more accepted... nonbinary isn't always a void of gender. Its not women lite. The misconceptions and hate within and outside of the communities are draining.
Would rant more but you've basically said a lot already.
Edit: Tumblr is a chaotic mess but I've had better experiences on there compared to Twitter
Wait people don't like that you kin characters?
@@smallgreenflies yes I know you just didn't say otherkin 😅
@@smallgreenflies Fictionkin is under the same umbrella as otherkin but yea, there is some differences. Sometimes you end up with gray areas like identifying as a noncanon member of a fictional species... or an alternate version of a character with mythical/animal traits.
Fictionkin and otherkin get a lot of mockery, but they are technically part of the same community overall.
@@smallgreenflies oops sorry
now that you’ve pointed this out im noticing it ALL OVER holy shit. I can’t believe I never noticed it??? Though I suppose it makes sense that i wouldn’t have noticed it before because I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve had to acknowledge/recognize the issue. I really hate that this has become something so common. I can only imagine that it must feel so uncomfortable and hurtful. I suppose as a cis person what I can do now is try to make other cis people aware of this, because this really shouldn’t be a burden on the trans community as it is an issue within cis people. I really appreciate that you made this video and I will definitely be sharing it around!
I honestly don’t go on social media a lot anymore and I’m only out to very chill and supportive people in real life, so I don’t experience it a lot, but when I’m reminded of it, it truly fucking frustrates me when I see/remember the “all nonbinary people are alt but soft, skinny, white, afab, and are traumatized little beans 🥺🥺🥺” stereotype about all enby people because *that is basically me*. but I don’t want to be involuntary viewed as a delicate little flower because of a stupid stereotype. I obviously crave love and affection, but I want that *WHEN I LET THAT IN*. it’s just not me. I don’t want pity or forced validation in order to make yourself feel like a better person. just treat me like a human being, because I am.
THAT EXACTLY THAT THANK YOU
tbf,,,,, as a trans person,,,,,,,,, wanting to burn down a government building IS kinda cute /j
nah but like hating the government is attractive. not sure cute is the word id use.
my gender is literally mostly nothing with a side of masculinity. I should be comfortable with being called non-binary because by all definitions I am. But the bullying and infantilization and feminization of non-binary people that I saw as a young trans person ruined the joy of it all for me. I cant go by they/them because it feels like being called she/her to me, a pronoun that people have used to mock and infantilize. It was taken from me by cis people. So I just call myself a trans man and only use he/him because I just want to be taken seriously (which I know is a privilege) but everyone ive ever met has assumed I'm non binary because of the way I present myself, and they're not even wrong even though with all the hate ive seen of non-binary people it always feels like a cutting insult. Its this weird thing where im non-binary to myself but if you're cis I'm binary to you. I don't trust them with the inner workings of my identity. I feel for the non-binary people who can't hide behind a binary facade, and I'm infinitely proud of those who are unwilling to. Y'all are the real heroes. Maybe one day I'll be able to reclaim my identity in its whole but until then Ill be hiding in my shell
*Cis person™️:* You’re non-binery?! You don’t have a single smidge of binery in you? 🥺 That’s so cute uwu! You’re so soft and baby! Go they/them go!
*The non-binary person in question, just trying to eat their salad:*
And in that moment we were all angry salad cat
i'm loving the purple flannel
hot take "girls gays and theys" isnt that neat of a saying actually
it also irkes me bc of trans straight men r just being excluded, since it’s usually said in lgbt spaces. can we not erase trans people ‘woke’ instagram page? thanks
It was cool like the first three times. Now it's annoying.
also by "they" people tend to mean nb ppl but not all nb ppl use just they/them and some don't use they/them at all
also another thing!!! ppl (some trans ppl included) gotta stop assuming every non-binary person is okay w the term enby. so many of us, including myself, don’t like it at all and ppl gotta start respecting that...i’ve seen too many n-b ppl be like “why do people hate that term it’s literally just another way to talk abt non-binary people?” to YOU. that’s what is it to YOU. to ME, it’s very infantilizing and i hate when people call me that
edit: also, if a cis person calls me “m’they’dy” one more time i will punch someone
dude i’m so happy you said this, i thought i was like the only person who didn’t like word enby. same with “nibling”… i get that people are trying to create words that include us but they always sound so cutesy and infantilizing to me. i know some nb people like being called those words which is great, i just wish people would ask first ya know? like i’m not a five year old thanks
my masculinity and lack of softness/soft aesthetics made me hesitant to identify myself as a nonbinary dudeperson for like... years. not just because i didnt want to be lumped in even more with something i wasn't, but also because it weirdly made me feel like an imposter in a way? like i wasnt allowed to be part of the nonbinary community because i wasn't "soft" or "sweet" enough.
as an afab enby who def doesn't fit the box of most ppl's expectations of afab enbies (skinny, androgynous.... white) i appreciate this video so much
but also i think you pronounced ethereal??? the way you would pronounce urethra??? and i spit out my drink i am so sorry
so I'm like probably the only cis person here and.. I'm not gonna say anything, just learn how to be a neato ally and improve
edit: my best friend (who is trans masc) told me once that he really dislikes when he is called "cute" and that it happens constantly. I was pretty confused, like, "how is calling someone cute something bad" but now i understand what he meant that a lot more! Thank you so much for this video, it made me realize something i had no idea about
i saw a really cool quote from a comic (i cant remember who drew it, not me tho) that said, "i didnt climb out of one box to be shoved into another"and i think its my new motto
I do personally enjoy being both soft and having a punk-ish aesthetic, and I'm very much an anarchist who wants to smash capitalism, but I agree that just because some trans people are soft doesn't mean we all are. And cis people need to stop seeing us as a monolith. I think it also ties into how trans femme people are often seen as more aggressive, just because of their agab. Like all cis people see when they look at us is our agab. And that is just plain old transphobia.
I'm Genderfluid and so tired of people just telling me "you are as pretty as a girl or a non binary sweetheart". Yeah that's nice but I still need money for my binder, I still need money to adapt my clothes, my way of expressing my gender and I haven't seen you even sharing my PayPal or anything. When it's like the 10th time someone comment that, I'm so tired.
I never say that of course, but I'm tired of just people saying that I'm pretty. I don't need to be pretty, I don't need your approval, I need your support!
I know some people can't express their support in another way, but I'm just tired of getting only that.
Anyway your video is amazing, I just discovered your channel it seems really amazing, thank you!
not even done watching yet but this video is SO GOOD. there's something so uniquely healing about discussing Trans Things with other trans people, i love us asjkfsjkdk
Fam I remember the nonbiney joke starting out on Tiktok. It was hilarious because it was just this alt person that was sobbing for some reason and they just go "you're nonbiney? that's really fckn cool," and it was joking, but still in a supportive tone. There was also the "nomby not real you made nomby up there's only two genders nacho and cool ranch" made by another rad person that was making fun of cis people who refused to believe in nb people. These were jokes that started on nb tiktok (my fyp is mostly enby tiktok alt tiktok and femboy tiktok) and they were funny because it was the kind of humor people use to cope but cis people took that and they kind of stomped on it because they don't understand.
As an nb trans girl, this is unfortunately also very true for me, it ends up feeling very dehumanizing. One ‘compliment’ I got was something like ‘you are a superior creature’ and I’m just like... damn lol can’t u just say I’m pretty
when you mentioned your friend’s confidence, something kinda clicked for me bc im wondering if there’s an aspect to it that has to do with AFAB socialization (keeping in mind the uwu transboy phenomenon seems to largely erase AMAB nb ppl oof) and the process of essentially *learning* to have the confidence of a cis dude lmao? like, having been taught to be more docile and apologetic etc, plus existing as a trans person online making u an instant target, shit is scary - so i guess when people hold transmasc ppl next to cis dudes and see the way cis dudes move through the world with kinda wild confidence, i guess they conclude that transmasc ppl are soft by default?? bc our views on masculinity are THAT narrow ?? jeez.
anyway, doesn’t excuse it, just maybe explains part of it? it’s interesting, if not annoying as shit adhkdfkwh
Uh. It’s interesting, a while ago I’ve seen a post complaining about the way (actual) soft bois who happen to be trans are complimented vs cis ones. Trans soft boi receiving manly compliments, something he didn’t want, whereas the cis soft boi was receiving cute comments matching his presentation.
Opposite observation, but it seems to come down to the same issue of people wanting to be the one to find the perfect compliment, assuming how the other person would want to be treated based on their transness, and ending up getting it wrong because they failed to see the whole individual.
I think some marker of expression can get lost in translation. Like, I don’t read you as a soft boi because it doesn’t match the way you talk, but I had no fucking clue I was supposed to read your black lipstick as hardcore, which is probably an issue with normie me not knowing enough on punk/goth (?) culture. Sounds to me like the safest route to take is to pay attention to how people are describing themselves instead of assuming that you got it right, especially if they are part of a subculture (or just plain old culture) you’re an outside of.
Just hearing "you're so valid!" Gets on my nerves. Specifically when cis people say it. It sounds so condescending to me.
I hate it when people ask me “Are you a boy or a girl” bold you to assume I’m either.
Definitely agree!!! Especially the thing about cis people thinking all trans people are insecure, I feel like that isn’t talked about enough. I’ve had cis people tell me completely out of the blue “you’re valid!!
It's so so tiring being infantilized especially growing up being told I had to act like an adult and raise myself. It feels so uncomfortable because it's the exact opposite of how I've always lived and besides that it's just completely dehumanizing to me. I feel like if anything my life experiences have matured me too quickly. The infantilization makes me feel like all those experiences and all that trauma were invalid because I'll never be seen as anything more than a baby by the public eye.
this video had me wildly stimming because it was shit i was struggling to put into words before and i just!!!!!!!! ahhhh!! exactly!!!! cis people are exhausting and really do just appropriate terms of affection for trans people by trans people and turn it into "haha look this is what all trans people are like" and its like. use ur brain. ur whole brain please u can do it
Lmfao yep bless
I am a cis black women and tho I can't relate to most of what you were talking about I can completely understand how annoying it is to create something and have it taken by someone who's not in your minority group and have them think that its ok and that we're being selfish for not sharing🙄
The line from a tumblr post that will always stick with me for how cis ppl see nonbinary people is 'woman-lite'
(or as i like to tell it, diet women)
Also about the non-biney, not a scrap of beanie thing..: as a person who has an alignment to a binary gender and a good friend of mine is bigender, that’s literally the opposite and it feels very invalidating
i haven’t even finished the video but i already agree. i’m a nonbinary person (transmasc) and i’m exhausted
Title is my bible verse
i love Your profile picture
@@gabsterrocks1980 thank you! Miley Way is my idol
im trans masculine and nonbinary, i use he/him and multiple sets of neopronouns. ive noticed that when you say that you're nonbinary, people assume that you use they/them pronouns and want to appear androgynous, which is the most frustrating generalisation that ive come across.
im glad you made this video, it's lovely to feel seen and understood
Honestly, no one should infantalize anyone unless they are specifically okay with it in that specific moment. It's just straight up nonconsensual and not good :/ but it is such a big problem for nonbinary people.
"When you're complimenting a trans person just compliment them like you would a cis person." that you have to say this shows how far we have to go
Hey you are SUCH a big insporation to me your the reason i came out to my school 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
I’m so happy for u!!!
i think you look so cool omfg-
edit: also you somehow have a canadian accent, poggers!
also, as a non-cis person; most of my friends are cisn't, we flock together.
yea we really do. and both my parents are canadian so i have an accent from them :)
Ashton Daniel oh cool! hehe you've said you're from the states so i was kinda confused.
My greatest fear has always been being infantilized. I am not a trans *boy,* I am a trans *man.* I am not your "uwu soft trans boy". I am a man and I will demand the respect I deserve.
I'm a trans woman and would like to give my experience on how I've experienced this the other way round.
I used to be a very adventurous person who would love trips out into nature as often as possible. I'm quite tall so I'm very adept at just stepping over barbed wire fences and through nettles. In the context of this video I kind of settled into a role of a "hardcore girl", but when I started on hormones and my fashion changed I found trusty jeans almost unwearable and dysphoric. So whenever I'd get stung or rip my tights or leggings it would ruin my day, and i stopped going out all the time.
I found though that I had so much more fun doing things like cross stitch and watching cute animes/films at home, practising makeup and the like.
My friends stopped inviting me out and rather than 3 times a week I'd see them maybe once a fortnight at best. I don't think it's transphobia but I feel that they didn't think I was putting in the effort.
I felt like my transition went too fast for my social circle to develop alongside, which was a pain since I had no friends to go shopping with, meaning I did it all online and became a bit of shut in.
It's taught me a big lesson about how to be okay with being alone though, and i think I'm a stronger person for it.
(wow this comment ended up being a lot longer than intended)