Why Narcissist Never Listens to YOU? (Hint: Because he CAN’T: Attentional Narrowing)
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- Опубликовано: 29 апр 2024
- When narcissist attempts to extract narcissistic supply or to engage in oneupmanship by talking or by acting, s/he dissociates the environment: forgets other tasks, fails to register what others are saying, is non-responsive to cues and stimuli, and behaves asocially or even antisocially. This is known as hyperfocus, (negative) flow, or attentional narrowing.
LITERATURE
Ashinoff BK, Abu-Akel A. Hyperfocus: the forgotten frontier of attention. Psychol Res. 2021 Feb;85(1):1-19. doi: 10.1007/s00426-019-01245-8. Epub 2019 Sep 20. PMID: 31541305; PMCID: PMC7851038.
Prinet, J. C., Mize, A. C., & Sarter, N. (2016). Triggering and Detecting Attentional Narrowing in Controlled Environments. Proceedings of the Human Factors and Ergonomics Society Annual Meeting, 60(1), 298-302. doi.org/10.1177/1541931213601068
van Steenbergen H, Band GP, Hommel B. Threat but not arousal narrows attention: evidence from pupil dilation and saccade control. Front Psychol. 2011 Oct 31;2:281. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00281. PMID: 22059081; PMCID: PMC3204575.
Ward, A., & Mann, T. (2022). Control Yourself: Broad Implications of Narrowed Attention. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 17(6), 1692-1703. doi.org/10.1177/1745691622107...
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When they are looking at you, whilst you speak. They are just looking right through you. They don't appreciate any of your substance or value. If anything, they are comparing themselves to you and further resenting you
Well said, thank you
I've seen this look often. I'm just an image to talk at.
100%
hahaha I am borderline, but I do the same... Of course, it is not all the time, because nothing lasts forever, neither dissociation
There were at least two in our childhood home, the head narcissist our mother who I later christened "Miss Information the Queen of Envy" (At the time I'd never heard of narcissism). Mom's supply-seeking was relentless, and it included untimely suicide attempts while she screamed things like "I wish were you never born!". Then there was our middle brother who even today in his middle-age constantly, favorably and delusively projects and compares himself to everyone and everything else. It was great fun trying to escape that crap.
Does anyone else here smile each time at the sound of Monsieur Vaknin's laugh? MDR
😂
😂😅😊
Yes! And when he says "OK Shoshannim!!"
@@maryvera123 shoshannim & shoshanne (that is what I understand) and all these funny intros! 😂 He reminds me of my mother who is also narcisstic and knows a lot of funny archaic words from my native language. She likes to greet me with them 😂
@@maryvera123I like such words😂playing with languages
We don't exist to the narcissist.... The end .. have a great day❤
Always having a one sided conversation with my partner. When you are thinking that you are sharing and idea or experience, your realize after you stop, they say something like what's for dinner? He has been removed from my life by the police. He was very attentive when they escorted him from the house. Many wasted years of loving someone who lied constantly.
The storyteller king of personality disorders. It is always a pleasure to listen and try to understand, thank you professor.
Lights are on nobody 's at home.
I commented on another video that with the narcissist I knew, any time anyone else in their presence got attention, admiration, or if heaven forbid they were confronted with what they (the narcissist) did, they would simply stare into space. From my view it was like they were dissociating. It was bizarre and I thought it was just their way of “denying” someone the supply they thought they deserved but it makes a lot more sense now.
I never felt so alone as when I was with her
Exactly. They may be with you physically but they're always trying to push you away and shut you out.
It's like talking to a nonsensical object. You get mad in the process while they continue thriving
An aging Narcissist is capable of convincing himself/herself of being able to escape death. Death is for an ordinary person.
Thank you. This helps me to understand my family: "Hello, nice to meet you! Tell me: How are you?? ...... Really?! ...... Unbelievable! ........" (I really need to go shopping before the stores are closed ...)
Is running to the same stores every day … several times a day… a thing for others as well?!?
@@alyciamarie4163yes, my mother does this constantly
They are too self focused. You don't matter to them. They roll their eyes or smirk at you. Their mean.
Ha ha ha.... You've described a mate of mine with precision... He's pretty exhausting... But a lot less so since it dawned on me that he's a narc.
Its worse . Not just narcs, you know... People dont listen each othervas deep as they actually need to.❤
For doing justice to each other.
Its like ocean level deep. So many filters from one person to other. Different pattern of individual survival and pain managment.
My Narc EX (NEX) look attentive , patient and care of what i said to her. Now I understand that all is about acting and fake.
The same
Just when I think I’d found the answer.. you present more. This is so painful to except they are living a non human life. I’ll continue to listen. Thanks for your wanting us to understand. ❤
Target fixation is caused by becoming focused on one thing that is usually distracting, dangerous, or rewarding.[3] Focus can be caused by "anticipated success", such as when trying to arrive at a destination in a certain amount of time while driving.[3]
While experiencing target fixation, a person can be very susceptible to dangerous situations due to lack of awareness of one's surroundings.[4]
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
[00:02] 🤯 Narcissist pretends to listen but forgets what you said, makes promises they forget to keep - attention issue, not memory problem
[02:21] 🎯 Narcissist's attention problem is called "attentional narrowing" or "hyperfocus"
[02:34] 🧲 Attention narrowing is why Narcissist focuses solely on themselves & their needs during conversations or competition
[04:38] 🎯 Narcissist's laser focus on getting narcissistic supply (humiliating you, proving superiority) makes them forget everything else & dissociate from the environment.
[05:19] 😨 Narcissists are like people in a constant horror movie, easily startled & disassociating from reality due to their post-traumatic condition.
[05:33] 📴 Attention narrowing makes narcissist forget tasks, miss cues, and behave erratically as they are solely focused on obtaining narcissistic supply.
[05:58] 💉 Narcissists are addicted to getting narcissistic supply, constantly needing to feel superior to maintain their grandiosity.
[07:21] 🤯 Cognitive dissonance (needing validation while claiming self-sufficiency) leads narcissist to dissociate and focus solely on their inner world.
[08:25] 🎭 Misunderstood due to attention narrowing, narcissists may appear autistic, ADHD, or antisocial when really protecting their fragile sense of self.
[09:07] 🧠 Attentional narrowing: focusing intensely on limited information during stress, potentially missing crucial details. (e.g., driving to hospital focused only on road, ignoring surroundings)
[10:24] 🎯 Hyperfocus: Similar to attentional narrowing, but with intense concentration like a "flow state". Unrelated stimuli fade away, creating a tunnel vision effect.
[11:05] 🌫️ During hyperfocus, external environment seems distant, muffled, or nonexistent.
[11:34] 📈 Hyperfocus improves task performance but drastically reduces environmental awareness.
[11:49] 🎭 Narcissist's hyperfocus on getting narcissistic supply (superiority, validation) means they prioritize that goal, completely ignoring your input or needs.
[13:36] 🏄♀️ Flow state: Similar to hyperfocus, with intense concentration and enjoyment of the process itself, often in challenging but manageable situations.
[14:16] 🧘♀️ Characteristics of hyperfocus/flow: intense focus, merging with the activity, loss of self-consciousness, sense of control, heightened self-efficacy, distorted time perception, intrinsic enjoyment.
[15:08] 🏆 Narcissists find the "chase" for narcissistic supply rewarding, not just the final acquisition.
[15:37] 🔒 Securing narcissistic supply reduces the narcissist's anxiety and provides a sense of safety.
[16:34] 🔁 Hyperfocus/attentional narrowing involves difficulty switching tasks or processing multiple streams of information.
[17:14] 🛑 Preservation: inability to mentally or physically shift focus, leading to repetitive behaviors.
[17:27] 🎭 When seeking supply or competing, narcissists may appear distant, with exaggerated gestures and expressions, even after the situation ends.
[18:08] 🌎 Narcissists can become absorbed in their own world during hyperfocus, seemingly "wandering away" mentally.
[18:23] 🔁 Stereotypy: Repetitive behavior, different from hyperfocus which is more situational and responsive to the environment.
[18:36] 🧠 Hyperfocus common in autism spectrum disorders and ADHD, but with different underlying causes.
[19:00] 🎯 ADHD myth: inability to focus. ADHD can involve hyperfocus ("stuck" on tasks), leading to emotional dysregulation.
[19:27] 🧠 Connection between executive dysfunction (focusing or hyperfocusing), emotional dysregulation, and personality disorders.
[19:50] 🎭 Borderline personality may be a case of hyperfocusing on emotions, leading to instability.
[20:04] 🎭 Narcissist's hyperfocus on maintaining grandiosity can lead to emotional dysregulation if their attempts to secure narcissistic supply fail.
[20:46] 🤯 Transition between narcissism and borderline personality can involve emotional collapse triggered by attentional narrowing/hyperfocus.
[21:14] 🎯 Both narcissist and borderline hyperfocus on the "wrong things," sacrificing awareness and self-efficacy.
[21:27] 🎭 Psychopaths also hyperfocus, but on goals and rewards, with a blunted emotional response.
[22:24] 🕳️ All three personality types develop "tunnel vision" during hyperfocus, but for different reasons (anxiety, emotional regulation, goals).
[23:15] 🙉 Hyperfocus leads to further "drowning out" of external cues, information, and stimuli, making the narcissist less able to listen.
[23:41] 📚 Resources: articles about hyperfocus mentioned in the video can provide deeper understanding.
[24:34] 🧘♀️ Key characteristics of hyperfocus: intense concentration, "malignant mindfulness," merging of action & awareness, loss of self-consciousness, distorted time perception, intrinsic enjoyment.
[25:15] 🎭 Hyperfocus impairs self-awareness and the ability to perceive oneself within the environment.
[25:51] 🧠 Hyperfocus can be voluntary (psychopath) or involuntary (narcissist, borderline).
[26:18] 🚨 Attentional narrowing and hyperfocus linked to stressful or traumatic events, potentially as a coping mechanism.
[26:48] 🧠 Hyperfocus and attentional narrowing common in people with PTSD, including narcissists and borderlines.
[27:04] 🎯 Focused attention: healthy version of attentional narrowing, involving deliberate focus on a specific task while ignoring distractions.
[27:32] 🎯 Key difference: focused attention is intentional and beneficial, while attentional narrowing is involuntary and often negative.
[27:45] 🤕 Attentional narrowing reduces self-efficacy and can even be dangerous due to decreased awareness.
[27:58] 🧠 Narcissists focused on narcissistic supply have difficulty recalling visual details, making them unreliable witnesses.
[28:41] 🎭 Hyperfocus and attentional narrowing linked to high levels of past trauma and current arousal.
[29:06] 🎭 Narcissistic supply seeking is a form of self-medication to avoid negative emotions like rage and envy.
[29:31] 🧠 Arousal caused by strong emotions (anger, fear) triggers attentional narrowing.
[29:57] 🎭 For narcissists, failing to secure supply can trigger a terrifying confrontation with their own shame.
[30:10] 🛡️ Attentional narrowing is a defense mechanism against overwhelming emotions.
[30:24] 🧠 High arousal reduces the amount of information a person can process.
[30:50] 🧠 Stress, anxiety, and fear of failure all contribute to arousal and attentional narrowing.
[31:43] 🎯 Hyperfocus can be driven by the desire to approach positive stimuli or avoid negative ones.
[32:11] 🧠 Attentional narrowing also triggered by negative emotions, as a withdrawal mechanism.
[32:24] 🚨 Negative emotions (anger, envy) trigger a withdrawal motivation and attentional narrowing.
[32:54] 🧠 Both positive and negative emotions can lead to arousal and attentional narrowing.
[33:08] 🚨 Threatening events and stress typically narrow attention.
[33:38] 🤔 Debate exists around whether attentional narrowing is specific to negative emotions or a general response to arousal.
[33:50] 🎭 For narcissists, avoiding collapse (which is life-threatening) is a strong motivator for attentional narrowing.
[34:44] 🧠 In the case of narcissists and borderlines, negative emotions trigger a chain reaction: negative emotions -> arousal -> motivation to withdraw -> attentional narrowing/hyperfocus.
[35:10] 🧠 Positive emotions can also lead to increased motivational intensity and focused attention.
[35:37] 🤔 The concept of "arousal" is complex and may be difficult to define precisely.
[36:05] 🧠 Increased emotional arousal alone is not enough to cause attentional narrowing; other factors are likely involved.
[36:16] 🚨 Attentional narrowing is primarily observed with negative emotions and their consequences.
[36:44] 🚨 Attentional narrowing primarily linked to negative emotions and the desire to withdraw from them, supporting Easterbrook's hypothesis.
[37:09] 🎭 Narcissists experience mainly negative emotions and use attentional narrowing (hyperfocus on supply/superiority) as a defense mechanism.
[37:52] 🎭 Narcissistic focus on supply and superiority is an attempt to escape negative emotions like envy and anger.
[38:06] 🎭 Attentional narrowing is an ever-present mechanism in narcissists, affecting all aspects of their lives.
[38:35] 🧠 Attentional capacity plays a crucial role in self-control and successful self-regulation.
[39:14] 🧠 In a world with overwhelming stimuli, limited attention can sometimes lead to better self-control (paradoxical effect).
[39:40] ⚠️ Attentional narrowing (narcissistic type) is distinct from focused attention, which is necessary for self-control.
[40:06] 🎭 Attentional narrowing in narcissists is a way to ignore a reality that contradicts their inflated self-perception.
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That's good resume
Hi Sam, thank you for sharing this. What I noticed and questioned is the narcissists body language and body mannerisms/ public persona when in the presence of their ex partners or “friends” in a public setting. the body language is extremely questionable and egoistic but in a very subtle yet still very blatant “peacocking” manner of which you just can’t ignore. are there any videos where you discuss if the narcissist’s body language is an “act” or is it “natural” apart of this personality? - do they put on a front for an audience or is this truly their natural state at all times?Is it an actual performance?
Search the channel.
The best yet!!! I even wonder if attentional narrowing is a factor underlying the delusional devotion to our Republican candidate for president here in the U.S. I would be grateful for an analysis of why so many Americans are indifferent to the consequences of voting for an apparent psychopath in Nov. 2024.
I am thankful for your explanations. I listen to your stuff day in day out atm. It finally gets into my head what is happening inside him. Your Videos help me to be free from his spell. ❤
Great lecture ❤thank you ❤
Absolutely fascinating
Okay, half way through this and my mind wanders... "Am I a narcissist? Phew, maybe I'm a borderline- what was that Electra complex convo with another borderline I had? Oh dang! I need to back up this video again!"
Edit: Focused attention and hyper focus, these have been the struggles and bane of my existence. My attention waxed and waned throughout this video while I self diagnosed myself with childhood trauma instead of BPD. And people aren't even trying to startle me when I scream and jump out of my skin whenever someone walks up behind me at work, lol 😂
could be ADHD too- they hyperfocus as well
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤
very important information! thanks for sharing!
My ex covert narc never listens although he appears to be. We are friends and sometimes speak and he’s still the same !
How come you can still use the term « still friend » when you mention an ex ??? You might be in contact with him, but a « friend? » 🙄
This has been most informative on so many levels, as most all of your content is, but interestly (maybe just to me :) )to help distinquish between narcissism and codepency, beyond so much other information that seemingly directly addresses the particular topic. This message comes at just 9:22 into your long posts, that I listen through their entirety, generally, and often.
thankyou sam - you summed it up so well and yes the series on netflix 'ripley' brilliant.
in the process of moving on from someone who ticks most of the narc boxes - what i have noticed in the 3 years of being in this relationship is the dead eyes of no real depth or interest in me unless i am supplying as he is in constant need of reward as in drugs alcohol sex. enjoy your vids cheers from australia. .
What a good video. Que lindo video. Thanks . Gracias.
This is very intriguing Prof. My background is in Psychology and Yoga. The parallels you made with narcissism, flow state, narrowing of attention is truly amazing. In Yoga, one of the steps in achieving union with the Source (or Mother) is Dharana or the removal of sense perceptions (Hyperfocus). In the Yoga model however, ethics and observances are the base practices before going to the higher states.
Actually, I notice many of the symptoms mentioned in myself. Especially regarding the volatile concentration issues, the inability to listen to others, and self-prioritization (often speaking about myself), which frightens me a lot! Some of this is definitely due to genetics, because I can see the same pattern in some family members.
Is there anything one can do? I wouldn't say that I am a complete narcissist, but I surely can recognize some tendencies.
@@apolloniusbeitsman5444 I hope we will meet one day
We are all narcissists, just relax, find a hobby and stop overanalyzing.
Same for me. We may have developed a narcissistic style by living our lives with narcs, as Sam Vaknin has pointed out before, you can have the style without being one clinically.
Its great opportunity to be introspective and bring to conciousness our behaviors. Not being a real narcs may allow us to integrate and get rid of our narcissistic style.
He told me he was just accepted into a prestigious masters degree program and two minutes later he's screaming humiliating accusations at me for no reason about how smart he is and how dumb he thinks I am. Classic. But he s also deflecting how he screwed his life up with alcohol abuse when I was accomplishing my goals. I saw all he did, he's sick and elderly now and I must be the reminder. Has often said that what I talk about, "isn't important." I am clear that the best thing is to stay away. Thank you for your analysis.
Brilliant
My ex Narc actually listens intently and uses things you say against you, no matter how innocent.
I have to be very strategic when texting to be sure what i write is neither here nor there.
Mine has arguments with him self when I try to make plans or ask what's for dinner and starts raging about what he just said to him self thinking I said it, 😂 crazy
Prof Vaknin, since you put this magnutude of thought into this topic. Is there a way to wake such traumatized people up to reality and make them at least a bit less delusional? I understood it's almost impossible to reach them, but without socializing and making experiences with real people who put them into place they are lost for sure, right?
Watch the therapies playlist.
@@samvaknin Thanks
How convenient ❤
Sam, would you do a video analysis of Tom Ripley? I just watched it as per your recommendation. He has many traits of a narcissist but also of a psychopath. He is a loner with no real lifelong friends. Once he reaches his goal, he moves on. He has no humour and no interest in sexual conquests. Yet, I notice
there’s narcissistic injury when his control and grandiosity are threatened. I also noticed the concept of “uncanny valley”. The reactions to Tom’s words and behaviour from many of the characters that meet him. Fascinating series, thank you.
Search the channel.
Got it! Thanks
Would love to see a lecture examining the characters in Ripley. 🙏
Search the channel.
Or.. when you’re having a conversation with them, they always want and need to “one up” you!
Me: “I really liked the church I attended on Sunday. It was huge!”
Them: “The church I use to go to is bigger!”
This was a real conversation with the ex covert narc mil..
Lady what?! 😂😂
I had a girlfriend like this and every time I saw her she had to one up me or try make me feel inadequate in comparison.
I’d share a story of when I was homeless and couldn’t study because I couldn’t focus because I was so ungrounded she’d then go in to tell me that she finished her Masters degree whilst homeless!! 😂😂 That’s not even possible 😂
She was RIDICULOUS! She’d just make up the most stupid crap to make me feel like I hadn’t done a good enough job or could do better! Everything was a competition with her.
I’d invite her to my own birthday then we would go to another party after and she’d say “THIS is a party” Just SO obnoxious and if I had real trauma she’d minimise it and tell me I’d had enough time to get over it when I’d listened patiently to her for four whole months letting her vent about her abusive ex and she wouldn’t reciprocate and then run off with another abuser then come running to me every time for help! Boring, exhausting, hurtful, inconsiderate and just YUCK!🤮
Then she’d keep going on about how she thinks she’s a narcissist and initially I told her she isn’t because narcs don’t ever think it’s them but the more her behaviour went this way the more I became convinced she actually was 😂 and distanced myself from her entirely
Do Narcissist Value Money more than Supply or Supply More than Money. Also can Money be Narcissistic Supply itself?
Search the channel.
@@samvaknin Ok
Hi Sam, what's your opinion on Bert Hellinger's family constellations?
Nonsense.
Thank you. You saved me 40 euros.
My son has been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, GAD, PTSD, CPTSD, ODD, MDD..... At this point , i really just treat it as a cluster b personality disorder. When theres so many diagnoses ? What do you know your working with ?
Is narcissism a form of cognitive decline?
It involves cognitive distortions, not decline.
What do you think of Albert Ellis's REBT?
Search the therapies playlist.
Is there any hope for a “cure”.
Professor is their hyperfocus and lack of listening and absorbing information also linked to their tendency to generalise about people/ events ? I noticed them being quick with generalisations about anything and anyone, or is this more linked to their cold empathy (so its easier to generalise about people events or whatever and hope to “get it right” In order to gain supply)
Or is the generalisation more linked to their grandiosity? Thank you
Grandiosity.
The voices in her head are too loud to hear anyone else.
My ex would talk non stop on the phone, literally 99% him.
I left the phone once while he was talking until he hung up. 10 full minutes of anger ranting! Before he hung up
Lol, my brother used to rant and vent about work/marriage etc. It was incredibly exhausting. Never gat a personal word in as he had to go/eat/sleep whatever.
Now when he talks he's openly hostile/contemptuous. All that emotion vented at me seems to have somehow melded into a identity relationship, associating displeasure/anger with me! Jeez.....
My friend did the same and heard her man yelling then stomping on his phone was the funniest ending
@jenniferlast76 domestic violence root cause is narcissistic abuse. I was double his weight and not living together I can only imagine the horror for a woman endures.
@@dananorth895 they do NOT care about anyone except themselves... full stop... period.
Brilliant