The problem with step-parents - Jordan Peterson
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- Опубликовано: 4 июл 2022
- The problem with step-parents - Jordan Peterson
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- - About Jordan Peterson - -
Jordan B. Peterson (born 12 June 1962) is a Canadian professor of psychology, clinical psychologist, RUclips personality, and author. He began to receive widespread attention in the late 2010s for his views on cultural and political issues, often described as conservative.
Born and raised in Alberta, Peterson obtained bachelor's degrees in political science and psychology from the University of Alberta and a PhD in clinical psychology from McGill University. After teaching and research at Harvard University, he returned to Canada in 1998 to permanently join the faculty of psychology at the University of Toronto. In 1999, he published his first book, Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief, which became the basis for many of his subsequent lectures. The book combined information from psychology, mythology, religion, literature, philosophy, and neuroscience to analyze systems of belief and meaning.
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Most people will not agree with this because it's emotionally uncomfortable, but it's true.
Maybe in your experience
@@stvnstvn89 many experiences. And yes, in my experience. If the step parent has a previous marriage with kids, the juggle of emotions to be fair or even with all the children can be tough. I love my Dad (step dad). I watch him struggle to this day because of really difficult decisions he made for my Mom. It may work out sometimes, but it's not an optimal arrangement.
Sorry I thought you were replying to @Carbon comment, "children are like farts you can only tolerate your own".. I disagree.
@@stvnstvn89 no. That's messed up. I also disagree. Step parents can be very loving.
That doesn't matter ..
I felt that growing up....when my mother got with a new man after my father...it was devastating to my childhood. He didnt want us there...and it was a living thing in the air always. In every waking moment. And to this day I am still realizing the affects it has had on my life. Although I make no excuses for my life choices as an adult...I must acknowledge this.
Your mother made the wrong decision. She went after what she wanted and not what's best for everyone.
@@Donja.z Please don't blame her mom. My birth father spent time in jail and then battered my mother. When she remarried it was to a man who treated her well but did not like children. That was a long lasting marriage for them. I see the problem starting with my father not my mom. Was it all detrimental? Heavens Yes! but she did her best.
Most mothers are selfish like that
You're not alone
@@ljones98391 you know, something tells me when you love a person the way that was described, you also find it inside of you to treat their loved ones with decency. Not making them feel unwanted and in the way while you're living your love story. So I do believe that woman was head over heels in love, but I am not that sure about the man. Sounds like he found an suitable partner... with complications, but that's that. I am not saying you can succeed building a relantionship with step children each time, especially if they don't want it, so there are many sides in such stories. But obviously making them feel not welcome in their own home cannot be a "misunderstanding". It's something you do and express deliberately. And what does it mean anyway "he does not like children"? Children are humans, they are not goats or aliens, understandable not wanting those things in your house. but not wanting humans which were already there when you started all this and voluntarily decided to join this household? No excuses.
@@ljones98391 naw,don't blame your dad for your mom's actions
Most step parents don't care for their step kids they put up with them because they love the parent
Why don't they just find someone new then?
Makes no sense staying with someone that has kids they don't like.
Because they are stupid@@Blank-lp4fz
@@Blank-lp4fza lot of people can find anyone else so settle for that in this case.
@@Blank-lp4fz Ummm, It's called EZ PUZZY! Face it. Every man knows that single moms are EASY, LOW HANGING FRUIT, DESPERATE for attention and "LOVE"/HELP...Any man that settles with a single mom simply has no options and is desperate. This is why they match
That’s not the case there are boundaries a step parent can’t cross so it looks like the parent isn’t as involved
i’m so passionate about this. my step mother made my life a living hell to be closer to my dad. she eventually won, he now doesn’t speak to any of his kids- just hers. i’m grown & it still cuts to the bone.
I'll bet a few bucks she's a narcissist.
They always try to separate family ties of their mate so they have more control.
Yep. Mixing family like that. When u have kids and split with their parent and get with someone else, theyre not gonna feel the same way about your kids as they do their own, and its felt. Its known. Wether they try and hide it or not.
Yes because being a step parent is difficult and unnatural. You can’t love a child like your own. Some can but most can’t. This is what bio parents don’t understand. They think just because they love them that they will love their children and it’s not true at all. Because the child is actually a block between the two.
I'm so sorry that you went through that.
@@janisemills1God hates divorce, there is no one wiser than God!
It's true. Children become the competition. As a teenager, I lived it.
I'm living through it currently and it is true im going to put my little brother on game soon as possible
Me too 🙏🏾 sorry this happend to you
@@kkmusick4206 just keep praying and once you get older move away don’t let your situation define you know that God I won’t let anybody get away with doing harm to others you won’t be in the situation forever it will get better!
It's hard to build a relationship with anyone, even the partner you chose to love. Some children can be consistently mean, rude and ignoring to a step parent, it's emotional abuse. You have to understand that it's heart breaking to love a person and to be rejected by the closest person that is so important to them. In the end they choose to disengage with the child and instead focuses on their marriage. Now the parent partner has to constantly split his/her time and attention between the two where it can be merged for example family time dinner time vacation time etc. This ends up stressing the parent partner and the quality of attention he/she gives to either is low. The child notices the drop in quality of attention and blames it on the step parent and turns even more vicious towards them, thinking that they have turned their parent against them. It's EXHAUSTING to love a person with children like this and it's DEPRESSING for the parent to consider that they have to fail in love again because of the kids. The parent will try different ways, good and bad to get his/her kids on board with the new step parents and the kid will react badly always thinking it's the step making the parent do those things.the child may see this depression and think it's good, my parent will divorce that step but if they end up divorcing, they will be depressed and in some cases even internally blame the child for that and will not have a good relationship. The best thing is to learn empathy. Empathy is simply being able to get into someone's shoes and feel and view things the way they view them and responding to that person with kindness. Be kind to your parent, this is their second chance at love and in the same way we would never want to repeat a grade and fail and have to consider repeating again, it's the same for them. Be kind to your step parent, it's not easy being in a new family trying to love them and being met by hostility. every parent has rules and should have them, try to reasonably follow them. Try to have conversations beyond hellow. And be kind to yourself, an environment that is toxic is not good for you. Do the things that bring peace to others around you and they shall in turn give you peace. Understand this: YOU CANNOT COMPETE with your step parent. You cannot give your parent what your step parent does and they cannot give your parent what you give them. You hold two VERY DIFFERENT positions in your parents life. You only feel like you are competing when you force your parent to split time between the step and yourself and in that area, like I said before, you both lose because the quality of attention for both of you is lowered.
@@kkmusick4206 It's hard to build a relationship with anyone, even the partner you chose to love. Some children can be consistently mean, rude and ignoring to a step parent, it's emotional abuse. You have to understand that it's heart breaking to love a person and to be rejected by the closest person that is so important to them. In the end they choose to disengage with the child and instead focuses on their marriage. Now the parent partner has to constantly split his/her time and attention between the two where it can be merged for example family time dinner time vacation time etc. This ends up stressing the parent partner and the quality of attention he/she gives to either is low. The child notices the drop in quality of attention and blames it on the step parent and turns even more vicious towards them, thinking that they have turned their parent against them. It's EXHAUSTING to love a person with children like this and it's DEPRESSING for the parent to consider that they have to fail in love again because of the kids. The parent will try different ways, good and bad to get his/her kids on board with the new step parents and the kid will react badly always thinking it's the step making the parent do those things.the child may see this depression and think it's good, my parent will divorce that step but if they end up divorcing, they will be depressed and in some cases even internally blame the child for that and will not have a good relationship. The best thing is to learn empathy. Empathy is simply being able to get into someone's shoes and feel and view things the way they view them and responding to that person with kindness. Be kind to your parent, this is their second chance at love and in the same way we would never want to repeat a grade and fail and have to consider repeating again, it's the same for them. Be kind to your step parent, it's not easy being in a new family trying to love them and being met by hostility. every parent has rules and should have them, try to reasonably follow them. Try to have conversations beyond hellow. And be kind to yourself, an environment that is toxic is not good for you. Do the things that bring peace to others around you and they shall in turn give you peace. Understand this: YOU CANNOT COMPETE with your step parent. You cannot give your parent what your step parent does and they cannot give your parent what you give them. You hold two VERY DIFFERENT positions in your parents life. You only feel like you are competing when you force your parent to split time between the step and yourself and in that area, like I said before, you both lose because the quality of attention for both of you is lowered.
My step-dad was an AMAZING dad! He always treated me as though I was his daughter. He was my best friend and my best family too! I miss him a lot.
;(
That was really heart-warming to read
First time I ever disagreed with him. I have a strong parental instinct and just love teaching and helping. Taught martial arts for years and just really enjoy feeling good about what I do. It's not selfless cause it feels great but nothing wrong with that.
As he said "Obviously there are exceptions."
God bless your Step Father!!! This is so nice to hear.
My "stepfather" couldn't have loved me any more if I had been biologically his. He was an amazing dad. He became my dad when you was 3. He was the best!
Well, he did say there are exceptions. I'm glad you had one in your life.
Exceptions do not make the rule. Anytime there is an unrelated adult living in a home with children the rates of abuse go way up.
@@Appaddict01 or having a narcissist
Beautiful
When I was 3? How do you know when I was 3? Who you been talking to? She told me she was 18!
He's 100 percent right. Sadly I know this from experience
I felt that I love my step parent don't get me wrong but they never directed me correctly nor held me accountable as a child I felt as if they felt like it wasn't their place and they felt uncomfortable parenting me and as Jordan Peterson said it's not even the step parent that feels like you're in the way as the child I always felt like I was in the way there wasn't that sense of family Unity or wholeness it's a tragedy for the both of us I wish I was closer to my step parent they are a good person and really care for my biological parent
Haha right
Same.
I know the opposite experience, if your father was a wife beating rapist would you still feel the same? Cos I sure as don't, my step dad was a fkn hero and the best man I ever had in my life
@@jackwhitbread4583 That's great for you, so happy you had a good experience. Majority don't. You seem very agitated and angry for someone who is expressing a happy experience 🤔 Majority don't is what Jordan Peterson saying, so people leaving comments here in comment boxes on the internet that may differ from your experience. That's how this whole thing works called life 👍
I had a step mother, she had a daughter. I was treated differently . I wanted her love but she's a gold digger and she got rid of us very fast. I ran away from home young and she was very happy. That's all I wanted to do is make her happy...
Chantal,I’m so sorry. Feeling love as a child is very important. Praying that God will replenish that for you
I’ve also always wanted to adopt a child/children in the future. I hope and pray that I’ll give them as much love as possible
@@natashakopach7858 GOD bless. The LORD will bless you and your future family. Any kids would be very lucky to have you has a parents. You sound like you have a lot of love to give. GOD bless you all
That's so sad. Any step mom would be lucky to have you. 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺 My partner has children and I hope that they will accept me.
God this is heart wrenching... I'm so sorry you didn't get the love that every child deserves. Breaks my heart. God bless you.
This happened to my brother too, he is now in prison. My father had him before he met my mom, and my brother's mother passed away too early.
My mom was always telling my dad how problematic my brother was, my brother was not even a teenager at that time. So my dad sent my brother to live with our cousins and grandmother. He consistently got himself in trouble, and my mother will enjoy it because it paints a bad image of our brothers in us, I realized something was off when I look back, I caused a lot of trouble myself but my mother has never suggested that I should live. But instead, I was disciplined and I got off the wrong path I was taking.
I don't know if I should ever try to reconnect with my brother when he is out of prison, I think he might hate me and my sisters. How do you feel about your stepmom's daughter?
So true was in a horrible military accident and I was dependent on my mother "step" and one day 10 years later she said you ruined my winter holiday because of my accident. Really mother would never say this out of true love
People have deep rooted issues. The fact dat after 10 years it still bothered her says everything. Hope she will find her way back home to a wonderful life
Biological mothers can be just as cruel. My grandmother once told my mother that she (my mother) was the reason her marriage was falling apart. She told my mom this when my mom was seven years old. That's cruelty.
I’m sorry she said that to you, that was very hurtful. You didn’t deserve that. ❤️
I think she’s the kind of “ mom “ that would tell just the same to biological child. So don’t be sad. She is worthy of pity😊
I'm really sorry to hear this. I pray you are in a good place. God bless and keep you.
My step mum is an angel and I would never have been the person I am without her ❤️ we love each other as if we were biologically related.
Lots of exceptions...
Thats awesome, did she have any of her own children?
all the people who died from 1900-2000, a full century that included 2 world wars and nearly countless other wars.
How many people who died in that century died from firearms?
The answer is nearly 200 million.
That’s only 3% of all the deaths in that century.
The small percent(exception) can add up to a lot and still be a very small percent.
Lots of exceptions??? Seriously.... so you had great experience... and that 1 f k n experience is now* lots of exceptions* ...r u ok? Majority step pll are f k n awful..I didn't have any but the guy in with is an a hole to my kid half the time cause he's a boy and boys hate other guys that lack fatherly figure in themselves .I thought I married a kind alpha . . Turns out he was afraud.. weak minded emotional angry ball.. that his mom raised him to be pansy cause she devoid of human emotion any way my kid has issues cause my ex is just absent... only to reappear cause I'm with another man.. now my ex wants his offspring cause were in court
People thought I was horrible for telling my sons not to get with a woman who already had children. For every step family that works there's a thousand out there that don't being a stepparent is a thankless job, even if you are a good step parent. Many times it is not recognized and you are blamed for everything they can't blame their parents for.
Yip and even less Women will take on a partner who already has kids, they are quite open and upfront about it. Yet society expects Men to do it, or at least it did until recently.
THIS COMMENT IS GOLDEN!!!
@@daadvanzdone2335 exactly!! I am so glad someone mentions the other side of step parenting. It is a thankless and very difficult job. I know many women who say they will never ever again get involved with a man who has kids already.
100%! No one speaks about this, but it is extremely true and not acknowledged enough.
Exactly 😊
Yes. There are cases when you do bond with a stepparent as you would with a biological one. It’s very rare. And it requires both child and adult to want to have a good bond.
Fact of the matter is that a child and a stepparent often unconsciously fight for the other parent’s attention.
So true .
Whenever my “step kids” wanted their mother I immediately got out of the way and although it hurt to not always have my emotional needs met I knew it was more important for them to have their mother than for me to have my wife. We are family now but nothing is more important than your children. My girls ask me if I could be their dad instead of their actual abusive alcoholic asshole father. And even then I still value them having time with their bio dad. It takes true selflessness to be a parent or a stepparent and most people don’t deserve to do either
Divorce is so sad. Especially for children on so many levels
I grew up in a house with a step dad that treated all of us differently. I was told in the 5th grade that I should go to a prep school or test into college because the school wasn't advanced enough for me. When my parents were told this at a parent teacher conference, I was told then that I would not be able to go to college because he would not take resources away from his kids to help a kid that wasnt his. I never made it to college and spent most of my teen years homeless or running from him. At 18 I was living under a bridge with no opportunity so I joined the military and got as far away from him as possible. All of his kids went to college and did nothing with it. He had a son with my mom and he treated him not as bad as me and my sister but not as good as his other kids. Now none of us speak to each other and the whole family has been broken for yrs. I feel like he took so many opportunities away from me that I can never get back. I see these ppl suing there rapist 20 yrs later and I cant help to wonder why I can't sue for the yrs of physical and mental abuse as well as the neglect and trauma of being treated so differently in the same house by the same parents. I cant even look at my mother now for allowing it to happen all those yrs. When we start holding bad parents accountable for bad parenting is when we will start to fix our societal problems. Almost all the problems in America boil down to a poor home environment that kids are raised in. That starts and stops with parenting.
It must be very tough for you. Both, my husband and I were treated very deferently from other sibling by biological parents. I hated my parents for neglect and emotional abuse. I couldn't overcome my past on my own, I needed help from God. When I started believing I realized that now i am responsible for my own life. I have to admit that raising my own children proved to be extremely challenging because of my traumatic childhood. Unfortunately, i made some really big mistakes with my own children. Forgivnes is crucial, otherwise we're stuck for life. Forgive them for your own sake. Good luck🙏
Só true. That you joined the army shows determination to be someone and train. I met an ex lawyer who was in the army and now runs a restaurant. You likely Learnt discipline and routine. I m lucky cos I got away from step father. I made bad decisions but now I never see my parents. I can’t stand him. He s old now and I have no sympathy for him. Once he s gone I m writing the memoir as he ll never be able to Sue me for libel. Yep I d take him to court no problem. He ruined my sister s life and she got cancer as she bottled it all up. I always told him to f off. I got work and got away. I m proud of myself for never asking for a penny off them and paying for their supplies when they were sick with Covid. I owe them nothing and am guilt free. My mum asked me to help her with her inheritance and I said no. My life is more important
You can walk away now and never call them again
I did that to be free and live my life. I m 60 and I m slowly getting there
sorry for what happened to you
Woah, just told my story for me.
I believe it's true, I also believe the parent that your in the relationship with makes a huge difference.
Absolutely.
this made me feel a bit validated so thank you kindly 😅
I agree with the second half of your statement.
I have to say, my family was an exception to that rule. My biological mother was extremely abusive to me in more ways than one. My stepmother raised me as her own since I was five years old. As far as I'm concerned she's my momma ❤
I have stepchildren and biological children and I can honestly say that I love them all the same. When they were growing up, I paid a little bit extra to my stepchildren because I never want them to feel that I love them less because they are not biologically my own...but in my heart, they are mine.
Impossible!!! Life or death situation you're picking yours and rightfully so and if not you're trash !!!!!
💜I wish all step parents can be like you
Exactly you are a great person and im sure a wonderful father as well to all.
You're the exception not the rule
'I love them all the same'.
That's all well and good in comfortable conditions, but when a situation comes along that threatens the life of one of your biological and one of your step children, and circumstances force you to choose one over the other...I'm betting you're gonna' choose the child you held in your palms since their birth over another man's spawn.
I could be wrong, but such a scenario will put your claim to the ultimate test, and chances are, you will fail and realize what a liar you are.
Note, I'm not questioning your love for your stepkids, but I'm questioning your claim of equal love.
Condescendingly harsh? Maybe, but the truth hurts.
JP: 'It's pretty specific the way people love children'.
The outliers are important to consider though. My stepfather is the one I call dad because that's who he has been to me. I've never met my biological father, not that I'm opposed to it, just haven't felt the need to. Good stepparents should be celebrated, especially because their job is so difficult.
That's what he's trying to explain
The exceptions will be there but try to maximize the rule that works
Its such a pleasure to note that. Someone adopted you and made you happy. Now you can adopt me and make me happy. Btw, I will be hitting 50 by 2027. 😊😊😊
It's good that you haven't felt the need to. That means you functionally had a nuclear family growing up and that you are well adjusted because of it.
I've always been honest. The only children that I like are my own. Sorry, not sorry.
If you don’t like the other children, there’s a good chance you had a pretty large part in that. A kid is a kid, they’re not very complex so if you can’t bring yourself to love them, why the hell are you wasting the space that could be occupied by someone who could better compensate for each group.
Nah is fine. Most people can't. The problem is that they don't understand what love really is. I do love children. Let me say it like this, people believed I was/am a pedophile. I assure you I am not. I aspire to be like the freedom writers woman or the Ron Clark story. I really love children. I am willing to go far and I will always believe in them. Some just have a long way in life because of so much roughness. And because I believe in balance I also believe there are people who dislike people. And of course the big middle group is not the same, they do not really love children because the don't really understand the meaning they will say they do. Yet who cares. As long as we care and try to shape the world in to a better place it doesn't really matter.
@@wakousyremu8946 spreading joy is contagious 🙏🏻
@@johnd1047 Nah, it's normal not liking children, they are stupid noisy little brats
@@johnd1047 How would you explain when some of the step-children love step-mom and some hate her? Life is complicated and every child is different, John. There are no pat easy answers.
talking to a friend, i say "oh, i love kids" and she said "yea, you love YOUR kids". she was right.
A man will give more to the children he has with the woman he is with than the one he leaves behind with a former partner. I've lived through it as a child and have seen it many times , with the exception of my dearly departed eldest brother who was married 3 times but loved even the children his exes had with other men. My brother was the exception!
You’re probably the wisest comment in this whole section.
@@blahblah8037 Thank you! I wish I was wrong though.
Sometimes. Sometimes not though.
I give all of my kids more than I give myself. My kids have beds to sleep in that I paid for. I do not.
Also, the same could be said about moms and their kids.
And in reality it's perfectly fine to some degree. We give child support for the kids who don't live with us. The ones who do are in the grocery store with us, eating at the same table, going to event with us more often, etc.
That's so not true, what about Parental Alienation??????
Maybe the mother tried baby trapping the guy and his only alternative was to turn his back.
Women say my body my choice, some men think, ok, my wallet my choice.
Idk my step pops is my everything the more I grew up the more I realized I’d be a step father to change a child’s life the way he changed mine❤️💪🏽🔥🔥
I bet you'll be even better father to your own
He made it very clear that there are exceptions
I love my step dad, I’m glad he’s one of the exceptions
I was raised with an abusive step-parent who’s main motivation in life was jealousy of the relationship I had with my biological parent.
Drove him nuts. Peterson is right, every second, every fight, every scenario where the child takes priority… the step-parent fills with animosity and it affects the family unit very strongly.
Because spouses are to be the priority and not children as designed by God, that’s why He hates divorce. The problem begins when the child was created with someone out of the marriage.
@@OlgaSmirnova1 that’s fine if you want to play make believe but I don’t share your religious indoctrination or the delusions that stem from it.
This man is right about everything. I swear.
Nah I really love children. But I can now agree on the fact that I am an exception.
💯
No he is not he spreads bitterness.
Can you imagine that you’re a single parent and you hear that nobody is going to love your child. Nah that’s not true and the world is t as angry and bitter as he wants you to believe.
@@rosiephilyaw7999 I happen to have a stepmother and a stepfather. He's accurate trust me. It's not the same as having both biologic parents, no matter how loving the step parents are. But my stepdad is the best💯. The truth doesn't care about feelings. People like Jordan Peterson make it easy for us to accept reality.
Thank you to all step parents that love their children equally even when some of us are not biologically yours💯❤
GOD BLESS You All✝️
If he's wrong he's at least smart enough to do it off camera that's for damn sure 😂
It's not just that, you're always gonna be second priority when it comes to the child and you. Moreover, you cannot reprimand the child or you're the enemy of both the child and the parent.
Facts
Never ever be a step parent. It’s a waste of your life.
He is right, so I seriously advise the parent to do their best to ease the situation if a step parent is brought in. I also knew NO WOMAN would be able to get away with mistreating our kids because the way their dad is - and one of the reason I did marry him. No woman would ever interfere with that relationship. He had been married before me and had kids. I was never bothered by that and understood the situation - especially from a child’s perspective, so I wasn’t threatened by the relationship. I also just made it clear to the kids I was not “their mom” - they had one. But I was a trusted adult who also was there to guide them and look out for their best interests.
So when I saw the new wife doing her best to be good to the kids, I never encouraged or allowed disrespect. I also would prefer he not bring in additional women (like my own dad did) so I did my best to keep things smooth. Since we shared 50/50, if they made plans and needed to change schedule around (and I could accommodate), I did. It’s about your kids, not you. And if you know your kids are being cared for, then you have peace in your heart.
Unless you’ve experienced divorce from a child’s perspective, you don’t understand that KID’s LOVE THEIR MOM & DAD (unless they really f’d it up and even then most kids do). *I call it a gift from God to teach us his love bc I’ve seen so many kids love parents that seriously don’t deserve it.
Anyway, when you understand that, then you’re not threatened by your child loving another parental type figure. Even their child care providers - children can’t get enough love and guidance; and we as parents are not perfect and can’t provide everything - so it’s nice if there are other trusted adults there to help guide your children.
We now have 5 adult kids starting their own families and I will pick up my exes younger child if needed. So if you’re fortunate enough to have a decent step parent come into your child’s life, make it easier is my advice and really appreciate what they do for your child. The only job less thankful than a parent’s job, is a step parent’s job.
Wow far too long a comment
I am in that same situation of guiding my partners kids. Only if the birth mom is not so toxic n be more like you. 😭😭😭
Amen!!!! I am the step parent. I love my step kids as if they were my own. We all get along; nonetheless, there is zero gratitude. And I expect that.
This touched my soul and heart. Growing up, I was told by all of the adults in my life how much they loved me only to be treated as a tag along. Never was I given the full love and heart that all of these people gave to their own children.
Thank you Dr. Peterson for acknowledging this. The parent who remarries usually protests that their new spouse loves his or her child like his own when the child doesn't see that and doesn't want that.
my stepfather was MUCH better, and loving and caring, thank you Pa!
Glad for you. Exceptions prove the rule
Caring for children is really really easy if you're mentally and emotionally healthy. It's hard coded in our DNA to do so.
Now forming a family with people is indeed hard. It's something you need to commit to. But Peterson with his eternal hard on for responsibility should be appreciative of that.
Dr P makes a lot of sense, and he readily allows for those “exceptions” to this very common and human response. Sometimes it’s difficult to love your own biological child.
How is it possible not to love your own biological offspring. But it happens.
@@sonjasaniinejad5228 as said, sometimes it’s difficult.
It would be a rare instance indeed to NOT love your own child at all, but as you indicate there is that possibility.
I think we’re getting into the weeds here. Human nature has many twists and turns! Like your name!
@@rosaoddin4338 Not that rare, sadly. Look how many people are okay with abortions, murdering their unborn child out of convenience.
Absolutely right. There are exceptions to every rule, but most cases are what he described and worst.
Seeing my partner be a father before we got married was a blessing. I got to see firsthand how he chooses to parent before deciding to bring more children into the world with him. I also respected his priorities when we were dating, because I wanted to build a life with someone who prioritizes their family. Were there insecurities in the beginning of our relationship I had to work through? Absolutely, but all relationships take work. It's not my job to replace my step son's mom, but I will always be there when he needs me.
Love this. Yes, my partners parenting was one of the reasons I knew this was the person for me.
Dr. Jordan...you should be ashamed of yourself...for hitting the nail on the head...Wow this is so true.
Right
Also, my father was the best “step-parent” like I said there’s no Step! He passed away and I miss him every day … he was my real father 💯😢
This is the best thing to hear as a someone with the possibility of becoming a step parent. These comments motivate me so much to show these kids unconditional love and support that they deserve. I’m honestly really excited to be a part of their lives. and I’m glad I saw this. Thank you for the brutal honesty in these comments and of this post.
I raised 2 step kids, when I had my own, they were biologically siblings. We were a family, as they all grew, there was no difference. Mind you, their Mother was mostly non existent so I never had to deal with that. The oldest is 38, the youngest 29. Last summer I got a call they were all together (with significant others) at the beach and did I want to come for a BBQ. This was the most wonderful thing I'd ever heard, they enjoyed each other's company enough to seek each other out. That's why you do it, for them. Best thing I've ever done 💜☮🕉
I love my kids unconditionally and I treat them as my own and they are doing well … there’s no such word as Step…and they call me mom, their choice 💯
Even if you do love their children, if the other parent is in their life also, unless you all get along.... you have to deal with your partners ex
Shit im dealing with right now. BUT I TOLD my girl if we decide to get married by church under the church i am your priority not your child she agreed. So only string i am holding onto.
@yandel559 unsure how old you are but I assume that you do not have kids. You're statement is very naive. A certificate doesn't change the dynamics of your relationship. A parent prioritises their kids because it is natural, that is our flesh and blood. If she's not a virgin and has a child out of wedlock, why do you think other church doctrine will magically make your relationship better?
@@tianthee yes it does, it's our religion and that what we follow. Its happening rn. If kids see that they come first, they wont respect their parents. If we are one, then they know to respect us. We both have kids. Thats why so many single parents fail. They fail to realize theres come a point in a relationshio their partner comes first.
thank you for your statement! The love between a partner and a child is different. Each dynamic has importance and therefore respect.
For instance, if the biological parent falls ill and the stepparent steps up to care for the biological parent and the child you should give the stepparent respect and priority! Especially if the child is too young to take care of their biological parent. The stepparent is the back up parent when the biological parent falls short so they deserve love, respect, and priority.😊
This is why I never dated after my ex ran off with his coworker. I didn’t want any strange men in the house with my kids.
And i bet no strange man would want to be around you and your brats, playing second place in terms of him being a priority. But at the same time having to prioritise you and your brats over himself. Being a stepdad is a mugs game lol
Finally someone who tells this hard truth.
I'm in this situation right now, the guy I'm dating has a kid with his ex. I like children, I taught in preschool but I can't help but feel jealous every time he's with his kid especially in when in the presence of the ex. It also makes me feel insecure because I myself don't have a kid of my own. I know i sound selfish but I can't help but feel this.
Run away, find a man with no children!
@@OlgaSmirnova1Thanks, well it's over, I learned that that child wasn't the only kid he had and on top of that, I learned that he was in a relationship with another woman while he was with me. I don't know how many lies I was fed. Such a problematic guy and I'm happy I'm free of him and his drama.
@@pengwencats wow, so good you got rid of that man dear! Marry a single man, you do not want to deal with baggage. It will ruin your life!
@@OlgaSmirnova1 thanks, i kinda feel bad for the good ones that get stigmatized, but it really is better to be with someone who doesn't have all those baggage and drama.
Yes! I’m dealing with this…. It’s so sad to be jealous of a child. But honestly I feel like I’m more mad at my partner. I do feel jealous when he is doing activities with his kid and his ex. I can’t explain it but I feel like I’m a complete outsider in this relationship. It’s sucks so bad because I just want a normal family.
Amen. I love my kids but when they bring their friends round most of them are rude and badly behaved.
You didn't teach your kids good taste in friends, apparently.
I am the exception.
I agree. I have raised my wife's 2 children as my own and love them as my own. But I do understand what he is saying. It really depends on the parents/step parents.
Same
That's not up to YOU to decide
It's up to the child
@@GORILLA_PIMP so it's up to you to assume I decided? How about asking a question before assuming you know the answer. Example: what gave you an indication that you are the exception? What did the child say or do? This is how we learn, this is how we grow. Ask more questions , stop the assuming the answers.
Me too 🇬🇧
If you can’t love your stepchildren, walk away from the relationship. Children never recover from playing second fiddle.
Either do men, so women should stop asking men for help to cover up the mistakes they made with another man.
@@23lnpwhich law is forcing you to date such women? It’s better if u avoid them
Im dating the MOM not the kids. People need to understand this. Ill tolerate kids but ultimately if we dont work out its us not the kids. I shouldnt love them as if they were my own cause theyre not. I am dating thekr mother. So simple.
@@yandel559 100% agree
I am in awe of parents who adopt children and love them deeply and unconditionally. It's an incredibly special person who can do that.
Yes it takes a special person to do that. Most people can not love children that are not theirs.
Spot on. First thing my father's girlfriend did, was move me out of the way. She accused me of something I didn't do and coughed up an excuse to not let me in her house anymore. This has been going on for 30 years. And my father has been too much of a coward to stand up for us.
FORGIVE US FATHER FOR THE SELFISH AWEFUL BEINGS. THAT WE. TRULY" ARE. 😭💔HAVE MERCY & CHANGE OUR HEARTS
Change your own heart you have the power.
You always resent the step parent whether good or bad.
Exactly
Stepparenting …. Little love , just work. Bio parenting …. A lot of work but you don’t mind. What Jordan P says here is archetypal and sooo true.. it’s human nature. Everyone poppin up here with exceptions. Good on you…. Appreciate it. It’s rare
My step dad was awesome. He was a tough man but he was never heavy handed and always listened well. He had a simple wisdom and being fair was paramount. I have two step daughters. The last time I was with their mom, they were 10 and 13. I talk with them weekly they are 32 and 35. And have no relationship with their mother. I gave the youngest away when she was married. My dad taught me well
Your dad taught you how to be a beta male, congratulations.
I’ve never felt the way that he is speaking of about our children. I’ve always wanted to spend time with them and with my husband or them together. Whichever they chose I’ve never felt that I was having time taken away. I’ve always been grateful that god allowed us all time. Time to cherish. Time to teach our children. Time to Grow within ourselves and grow with our children. I cherish life and my loved ones and I couldn’t understand how someone is suppose to be ok with feeling that their children are in the way. I don’t understand that.
My step teenagers had so much emotional baggage from their biological mother. If I could go back in time I would have left their father alone until they were out of his house and only then I would have started a relationship with their father.
Yep. It’s the other parent that makes the problems most of the time
Same, it's a horrendous situation and you can't do anything right. The kids have so much power over your relationship. I empathise with you.
That's a horrible thing to say. Those kids need love too. It's not their fault. Imagine a man saying that about you. Double standard.
@@proverbs31woman51 That's a horrible thing to say. You obviously have never been in this situation, or if you have, the children aren't the same as in this ladies situation, and my own.
You could have learned about a different perspective on these issues, but instead you came here casting judgement and throwing shame around.
Have some compassion and empathy, you know, those things you said she needs to have?
@@proverbs31woman51 it’s the reality and it’s not horrible to say or even think that. It’s sad that their relationship is one she would prefer to skip but it’s not horrible. At some point you have zero say in your relationship with them and just have to be in an unhappy relationship.
It’s not wrong to think I wish I had waited
Dr Peterson keeps it so raw and real
Completely true and why I don't believe in mixed families, even though I am product of one
I was 23, when my mom got with my step dad and to this day I've had more affection from him in 5 years than I have from my biological dad in ever. I know he said there are exceptions but we need to give credit to good step parents.
Although of course having 2 loving biological parents would be the best for everyone. But sometimes we just have to make the best we can out of a bad situation right
I love my stepdaughter much more than my husband. I've stayed married to him for this long in case something happens to him no one could take her away
It's very common for almost any and all women to bond with each other and turn against the men
"Jezebel spirit" is what it's called
@@GORILLA_PIMP yeah... no its not. Google that sh!t... it's called people not liking @ssholes
All 3 step parents I had to endure were awful. Just awful. In their own twisted ways. Glad my kids don't have to go through it.
If you made better choices in life then your kids wouldnt have had to have suffered. Take a spoonful of accountability.
@@23lnp I was the child. I'm married to my children's father.
My step father loved me more than my narcissist mother ever did no matter what happened. But I noticed his behavior towards me change after my half brother was born. Shit is heart breaking.
He never loved you more than your mother it's impossible you ARE YOUR MOTHER LITERALLY THROUGH BLOOD YOUR STEP DAD is your half brother THROUGH BLOOD HIS LINEAGE
@@kkmusick4206 blood doesn't mean anything when the people who are related to you by blood don't think of you as someone to be treated like family.
I agree.. I have a stepmother who has always tried to push us away from our father and has always acted jealous when our father gave us attention over her. BUT, we also got extremely lucky and have a stepdad who is amazing and treats us like his own kids and does everything in his power to help us with whatever we need whenever we need it..
So I’m thankful for that.
I agree 100%. I had a "step father" who lived with us, but never really saw themselves as my parent. And that showed in many ways and in hurtful ways too. It was not good for them to be around me for so many years. My mother was selfish enough that she would accept his behaviour just to have him around HER. I even asked him once if I could call him Dad , and his answer was "No, that he already had children".
And I love children, but I also know that I would not love other people s children enough to be their step parent. That s also why I personally do not want to adopt. I want my own flesh and blood. That is my truth. I never wanted a child any way other than the natural way.
There are exceptions to step parenting, of course. And there are terrible parents too. Good luck with both
I don't think I'll ever have my own kids (age, not married yet), but I would be so grateful to have some step kiddos to help raise and love.
Yes! It is SO hard, but such a precious gift
@@lindsaywilliams3774 update to my initial comment a year ago....I'm becoming a Step Mama in 2 months to two littoe ones (7&9)!! So excited and grateful! I don't have any biological children yet...any pearls of wisdom? Their mom is still in the picture and coparents well will Dad. Not trying to replace her.
He described my childhood. I know exactly what it feels like to be hated simply for existing.
I broke up my 2.5 year relationship a few weeks ago, on,y a few months after my gf and her 12yo son moved in to my house. While uncomfortable Jordan says it all and this was the main reason. Once I realised I could not even control the son or lead him in my ways when he did a very bad thing (as he had his own dad), so it became just tolerating of him and came to the conclusion the benefits of only having ‘half’ my gf, and no benefit or appreciation from the child were not worth my full sacrifices. In reality no matter how much I loved her and her me, he needed her more then I did. I still miss her and love her, but what I want and need is irrelevant now, as my head has finally ruled my heart. Mistake? Sometimes I wonder when I think of her…
No it's not a mistake bro it's unnatural to be a "step dad"
My stepmother has been so wonderful to me and my brother. My father married my stepmother when I was around 5 years old. At that age I didn't realize how amazing she was. 28 years later and she's just a wonderful woman. She took me to all my doctors appointments. She washed me and my brothers clothes (she deserves a nobel prize for that alone). Just a sweet and wonderful woman.
Not once in 18 years did my Stepmother and I have a relationship type of conversation. She would ask me if I did my homework, did I do my chores, things of that nature. This continued into my 20s up to her death in 2013. She did have normal talks with my wife. Go figure...
My mother may have neglected me but my step mom made me pay rent at 16 yrs old meanwhile her adult son lives there free until he was 45 😂 my dad never stood against her either
We NEED more honesty surrounding this topic. Based on my experience and those of my friends that had to endure a divorce and then a stepfamily it's overall NEGATIVE!!!! I'm saying this now as a 43 yr old. This is so damaging and should be a form of abuse. There are very few exceptions, so few I can't name one that was overall beneficial. 😢😢If you really love your children don't do this to your children.
This clip has aged awkwardly with Mikhaila's daughter now having a step-Dad!
jps daughter has a baby .. and she already is ¿div? ..
True. She divorced the bio-dad even though all indicators suggest that he was a decent man towards her and their child.
@@BrentisimoI think she dies a great disservice to Dr Peterson, that woman is. Or example to follow.
I would disagree. In my case, my step mom instilled in me a work ethic and discipline that I needed to succeed. She taught me stick-to-it-iveness. She taught me how to do domestic chores. She taught me how to listen in conversations. Because of my step mom, I got to see the Grand Canyon, Disneyland, Carlsbad Caverns, summer camp, places that my biological parents would never have gone.
So maybe there are bad step parents, but I was lucky.
Your situation is the outlier. All family / child organizations indicate that child abuse increases by 40% when a stepparent is introduced into the equation.
My step-father treated me like he despised me for 32 years. Both my grandmother and mother realized and stated their awareness of the dynamic of him despising me because he saw me as a competitor regarding my mother. Now he's on his last leg, health-wise, and I refuse to lift a single finger to help him. He didn't want me around, so I won't be. Always consider the future, when treating your younger family members with hate or contempt: they will be the ones you rely on in your final years.
I was a step mom at 50. Mom died. Two teen daughters. Nightmare but now they’re in their 30s and we get along much better. Thank God.
Do you know what Lions do to someone else’s Cubs, when they take over a pride?
Good comment and the lions probably kills them right
The best outcome for children has always been and will always be in the nuclear family, that is the mother, the father and their children.
Children do best by all standards of measurement when raised by their biological parents.
Except when ones an predator
@@effu9593 Yes. The exceptions prove the rule.
@@FebbieG You realise that "prove" the rule means to test the rule, right? Maybe you don't. In any case the statement holds.
I can see what he's saying but when I've dated single mother's it's a package deal and because I love the mom I also will love the child and will do all I can to help bring up that child as if it was my own.
No you don’t understand, because if you listened you would know your comments is unnecessary. You just wanted to say that you disagree with something.
@@terrenceellis6016 I do understand and I didn't say I disagreed with him. I've had friends that had good step parents and ones that had bad. This accurded to me after the fact if the mom and I break up and my stepson which is just about an adult if he didn't want to be in my life anymore there's absolutely nothing I can do about that. I have little clarity on his message
@@terrenceellis6016 naaaah this one's on you.
@@terrenceellis6016 this is a comment section. This is where we disagree with stuff if we find that the original material was incorrect. Grow up
I was married to a woman with two kids. I loved and cared for them like my own. When my first was born I found out there is a difference but I love my step kids but never like the one I created because that’s a special connection. You can fool yourself to think different but when yours come into the picture you’ll understand. You will treat them fairy but your child will always be number 1. I don’t advise single guys that are building themselves to get involved with a woman with kids. You start off behind the eight ball. And now you will be on child support for those kids. Good luck Buddy
I’ve got a step dad, since I was about 9. We get along fine enough.
Though my mother maintained a relationship with my dad, and I see him regularly.
My step-dad took very good care of me, but he was different with his biological kids. He didn't mean to be, he just was. I understood it back then, even more so now as an adult.
Well if the child's bio dad or mom is still in thr child's life then a step parent shouldn't even try to be fully in a parent roll. Like with me and my step son. I treated him good and bought hoke clothes and fed him and I even taught him to say he first words but I didn't hold him and snuggle like a mom would because his mom was the primary mom.
@@Opal5674
Biodad was not in my life...agree with your point, but doesn't apply to my situation.
Thank you for this video. I needed it.
My child is going to see more often his mother's boyfriend (future husband) than me, his father.
I gave life to my boy, he is my flesh.
Step-parenting is the second worsed scenario for a child, after growing up with only one parent.
By the way... I don't like the term "step-parent" (it's different in my language).
There is only one father and only one mother.
My stepdad hated me and my brother through and through to the core. He hated us for no other reason other than we belonged to another man. He abused us like crazy but when on the rare occasions his own children were around he treated them like gold. He put us through the worst kind of physical and emotional psychological and sexual abuse anybody could imagine. But his own kids were horrible horrible people and they were treated very well.
@Warpig I'm white in Texas
Omg as a stepmom I almost cried listening to this.
A friend of mine asked his widow mom why she never remarried. Her answer was : no man will love my kids like I do. Children are always victims of divorce,death, and remarriage… adults can move on but kids will forever grieve the loss of their parents
Harsh but true
He’s correct! Destroyed my marriage as we speak.
And tell me. How do kids destroy a marriage? When you marry someone you love those kids too. The amount of sketchy people in this comment section...
Were they evil or did the spouse notbrake charge...
@@proverbs31woman51All state run family/ child divisions indicate that child abuse increases by 40% once a stepparent is introduced into the equation.
This man speaks so clearly even when they are uncomfortable truths
Seeing a YT video of a stepkid opening up adoption documents GETS ME EVERY TIME!
True
Right 👍
I know people are going to have different opinions on this but here is mine.
My mom and stepdad got married when I was 2 years old. So I have no memories of it ever just being me, my mom, and my dad. I think my mom and stepdad getting married when I was really young does help because I’ve always had a 3-parent dynamic.
My stepdad didn’t want me to call him Dad because he doesn’t want to disrespect my dad, which is why I have always called him by his first name. I think if the kids are real young like I was or when they are older (maybe out of high school) can stepparents and remarriages work and be healthy.
Also a big factor is the age of child when the family is formed. If the child is under 5 chances are better for the stepparent to be able to bound with the child.
I hate it when someone is right about something I disagree about.
Nothing is more dangerous then a closed mind!
@@laurabarber6697 So true, and we witness that everyday. So many are blind to the truth, they only believe what they want to believe, even if it is right before their eyes.
@@What_do_say_think or so open minded that their brains and common sense falls out! I feel MSM wants us to believe people like us are out numbered. Even if that were so - that still doesn't make us wrong! Wishing you and yours the very best!💝
Which part do you disagree with Gregory ? Surely if you are saying he is right then you agree on some level
This single most DANGEROUS place for a child is in a home with an adult who is not biologically related. Step fathers commit 85%+ of the rape/molestation of both minor girls and boys. Step parenting should be outlawed.
@@random_person__t is an abomination, so as divorce!
Not always the step dads. The kids can be just as evil and lie all the time. But society will never admit this because kids are always angels apparently
Never heard it explained so well. This man knows his stuff....
I would be more concerned with spending time TOGETHER as a family....when children are involved, it's a package deal and cannot, should not, be separated!!! If you can't accept the child as if it's your own...walk away!!! for the child's sake, don't put them in a position where they feel like there in the "way", or it's their fault the relationship didn't work out!!!
My father stepped up while the sperm donor backed down
You are YOUR DAD YOU HAVE HIS BLOOD
@@kkmusick4206having the same blood doesn’t make him a father aka being a sperm donor he refused to take responsibility and care and love his children
Jordan Peterson speaks so so many of my thoughts but a succinct and brief way that I do not have the immediate vocabulary to achieve. When I listen to him I feel like I’ve found someone who sees what I do. People around me say I’m crazy, overthink, think to deep, but none of them ever display even desire for insight.
If you already have a good relationship with your biological father you can’t replace that and nothing will come close