Finding love in arranged marriages | Omar Durrani | TEDxFIU
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- Опубликовано: 19 дек 2016
- With his family’s counsel, modern, business-savvy Omar Durrani embarked on a journey to find his soulmate through the arranged marriage process.
Omar Durrani ‘13, MBA ‘16 works as a financial analyst Monday through Friday. On weekends, he runs his own business, Mister Omar’s Chess Academy in Pembroke Pines. With his family’s counsel, the modern, business-savvy Durrani embarked on a journey to find his soulmate through the arranged marriage process. His story will open your heart and mind to a traditional way of finding love in modern day society.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
I once said to my Indian friend "So many of your arranged marriages are not happy." His response was "So many of your by choice marriages are not happy either." I had to admit he was right
true, but it's hard to file a divorce when you just got an arraigned marriage, which is not the case with by-choice marriages
It depends. If you have the right kind of family, and the right kind of parents, then it can work. I come from a Bengali background, where arranged marriages are also common. But the difference is that I was taken to a matchmaker when I was 16, not 30. So my parents could evaluate my worth - in their words. It totally depends. Arranged marriages can become forced marriages in just the wrong circumstances.
um well arranged marriages should be just about introducing 2 people around the same age and let them date for a while. if it's just meeting on the wedding night it's so wrong
It did use to be like that - on the wedding day, anyway. It's slowly changing in some parts of the world, but it's not in the distant past in some cultures.
RagnarokLoki2012 I feel sorry for you. I'm Bengali by ethnicity but I'm not in that process until after 2021. I would be 25 then and Insha Allah I'll have a husband that is meant for me one day.
people normally get confused between arranged marriage and forced marriage
Nuzhat Nadiya lo yes
nop its the same
Love marriages are not doing any better in Western culture.
My father is forcing me so i guess im in a forced marriage since they didn't ask for my permission before saying yes
@xTatlTaelx my mother is emotionally blackmailing me that how ur father and 1 raised u and now ur so rude and stuff
"Arranged marriages are not forced marriages" that line made this video worth watch.
What is the dividing line between arranged and forced? Force is a rather vague word that embraces a range of possibilities from coercion and pressure tactics to blackmail to full on physical force. Using a cycle of shame and guilt or instilling a taboo to act against your parents wishes is a form of coercion that just might qualify as force.
If you think that every "arranged" marriage received perfect consent by the respective couples then I have some swamp land to sell you.
Definitely. The couple always had a choice to agree to marry or not. Someone arranged for Meghan to meet Prince Harry. India mostly has arranged marriages, whereas Middle East mostly has forced marriages.
Cristie A.. Try to look on the internet the majority of forced marriages is in India/Pakistan/Bangladesh also other African countries and south of America as well. In the middle east there is indeed but it’s more in India and Pakistan because of the population.
Cristie A Claiming that most marriages in the Middle East are forced marriages is utter nonsense! Who made you an expert of MD culture?
what if a girl is not allowed to have a boyfriend?
In this world of Tinder, I'm starting to believe in arranged marriages.
Some One what is tinder?
arranged marriages are just tinder in the olden times
@The Elite Killa I think your sister's marriage isn't the type of arranged marriage that people're talking about. The arranged marriage has involvement of family members: parents and grandparents. They'll look through the girl/man's background, consider if he/she's suitable with their conditions. If yes, 2 families will talk first, then arrange a meeting for the couple. Sometimes, the couple first met has their family's presence too. In your sister's case, it's just like a good friend introduce a good guy for her friend, there's no family's involvement at the first step.
YOU TOO!? I am a father with a daughter who though people on TINDER were genuine men.... she found out how FALSE that was! - I get to say, "I TOLD YOU SO!" LOL!
Tinder's for hookups only. And dating is bull. If you fall in love naturally that's fine. Or else, just get an arranged marriage.
This person was my chess teacher for a year. He really is a good man and it’s awesome seeing him in a big ted talk. He also now has a daughter for anyone wondering.
I was just wondering about an update since the video is 6 years old. ❤️
Arrange marriage is allowed.
Force marriage is not.
Simple.
not in practice where arranged is in fact forced, with more or less (social, psychological) pressure.
isn't it the same, particularly for the women?
ok
That's right. There is a difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage.
Thank you for sharing your story.
My parents had an arranged marriage and 46 years later are more in love then any other couple I know. They are each other's best friend.
Thats great! Unfortunately it doesnt go that good for everybody. My parents are not the happiest couple ever. They have been married for 33 years. They obviously deal with each other. They wont get divorced or anything but they arent really the happiest of couple ya know :)
Its all luck...not everyone is lucky
Mine are both as weird as eachother and I guess that's why they actually work.I just hope I find someone who through all of life who don't want to let me go.
Same
Good for them! It's 2018!
"You have to know the right person first before you find the right love." Inspired.
Morsheda Ahmed 😂😂
Hey sugaaaa
Agreed clean dating should not be frowned upon. You gotta know each other whome you are marrying not only family history and stability. To make all the process less stressful. Walking blind is scary let alone on a new road and it's a matter of your whole life.
Once i got the advise to have long "conversations" in any situation with the prince of my heart, even if he, as a person was fantasy at that time, this will make it easier to recognize him once he crosses my way - and it worked. While "talking" to him I got to know the man I wanted to have, so when we met real life, it was a very easy decision.
@@agnes15101968 this is such good advice and so sweet!
It's always Aunt Faatima.
Anisa Uddin looool
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sometime Bilkees puppho!!!!
Lmfaooooooooo😂😂😂😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂😂
Randomly met Omar in a restaurant parking lot. He is such an intriguing guy! Great talk, Omar! You are so full of life!
Thank You Mrs. Cheryl Dwyer-Such a Heartfelt comment, but it was not random- " It was FATE that brought us together at that special restaurant" Your crew was pretty intriguing as well- give them my greetings&Thanks Again.
Hey Omar,
Great story! Thanks for sharing. BTW I met you at MIA airport on a Sunday
Omar Durrani can u shoutout to me
Mk9 is a happy ending up with your baby brother made this he's a it was in the room to be an animator on on
people still confuse arranged marriages with forced marriages. we have our friends setting us up for blind dates and these are no different. if you like each other you continue and if you don't you say goodbye to each other.
YnnyY&nne OilRyser No arranged marriage is forced? I’m sorry what? What about all the women who get married off to a random guy their family chooses for them? They aren’t given the right to choose, if they refuse they are deemed as dishonorable. If that’s not called “force” i don’t know what is.
NISHAT lala as long as there is no threat of violence from her parents and/or spouse or otherwise, there is no force going on. Forced marriages are only a thing if there are such threats present. THAT is bad.
@@WomenofHighValue I appreciate your explanation
So pretty much arranged marriages are just like skipping the dating step but there still is choice
Alisha Shahab especially for girls
in a perfect world, there is a choice. The line between arranged and forced marriage is very blurry, and absolutely not as clear cut as this guy put it. It's great he had a positive experience, but just because someone felt extreme pressure/was coerced but wasn't physically forced into going along with everything doesn't mean that it wasn't forced.
Alisha Shahab yup
No that’s just the way he is portraying it. He’s not only a man but he lives in America. He calls it arranged marriage but...how was it? He dated as long as he wanted and when he decided to get married he had choices and got to look around. That’s what everyone does, we don’t call it arranged marriage. Just because your mommy was involved doesn’t make it an arranged marriage. Just because you’re Indian doesn’t make it an arranged marriage. In most cases your family picks for you. Ofcourse there is always a “choice” but that’s like me telling you....you have to marry someone and if you chose not to your family will hang you. For most people being disowned by the family is like dying. That’s not a choice. It’s illusion of choice. But still...what that guy did was date people like everyone else does and labeled it arranged.
Yea until it becomes a forced one when you meet the guy and still don’t feel like you connect with them but still have to marry them
Fairytales do come true. But not everyone is as lucky as you were with arranged marriages.
candyflossss14 ,very true , didn't work for me, but I'm glad that it works for Omar and his wife. I'm happy for them.
can be said about any marriage, arranged or otherwise.
candyflossss14 but not everyone is gonna be happy in love marriage
It works for a lot.
If Islamic rulings are followed including courtship, it works.
yep so true but its a good story
if arrange marriages were done right like this man presented then no one would oppose it, sadly its misused and turned into forced marriages that is why i personally dont like it!
Not always the case.
yo, thats a different matter tho, an arranged marriage is not a forced marriage as they are two different things. some can pretend it is but it still aint. as you said it is 'misused' aka wrongly used meaning its not that.
jungkookie monster exactly which is sad very sad on a sidenote i notice a fellow army 😄
It's actually not rare, if you look into the rural areas many cases can be seen also many arranged marriages have situations where parents coerce the kids emotionally blackmailing them. The reason could be anything for the kids not wanting to marry but the concept of 'log kya kahenge' or having been betrothed at early years create these situations. It gives no option to the kids of their choice. This prevails strongly in the desi or as where I'm from Pakistani society. But that said it's not like that's how EVERY marriage works, there's also good where there's. Just wanting to say that arrange marriages are rarely as this Ted presenter portrayed, in the mildest cases even if everyone's okay with arrange marriages there's restriction on speaking or getting to know you soon to be spouse and if God forbid the engagement breaks off it becomes really difficult for the girl mostly as people assume she must have been super friendly with her fiance hence she's not suitable for our family or son. Like I said the case here at the Ted talk is very exceptional and beautiful and should always be like this, with freedom and liberty to choose.
haha army's are everywhere lol
If arrange marriages were all done like this then that's perfect. Sadly, in many cultures arrange marriage means the girl gets to marry the guy without having a discussion. Some don't even see their partner until the wedding day, and it's so sad. I wish more people would look at arrange marriages the way this guy does. And congrats btw!
I agree with you but that's not arrange marriage that's force marriage x
Force marriage is the new arrange marriage:(
Not all arrange marriages are force marriages.
It depends on the culture. His story is how most indian arranged marriages go. The female being forced is mostly the way it is with muslim arranged marriages. With Indian Muslims it could go either way depending on the family.
I've barely seen any forced marriages, and infact only a minor witnessing marriages turned out to be loved marriages as I grew a bit outta my age- only learning so late. The point is arranged marriages may sound scary but they arent, the couple hangsout and talks almost months before the marriage.
Arranged marriages are perfectly fine. People just don't know the difference between arranged and forced marriages.
Best thing about arranged marriage is your gender won't judge you as you don't know her and its a surprise
I had an arranged marriage and we are in our 18th year, happy and more in love. God is good!
In Saudi most marriage proposals happen in a wedding, a mother likes a certain girl then go all CIA investigations until they get her mother’s number then the journey begins 😀
لا تفضحنا يا ولد 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@lifeisshort4777 😁😁😁
Exactly , then after the girl's agreement they arrange a date to see each other and after they agree on each other , marrige happens , otherwise ( if someone didn't like the other ) the prposal cancelled ..
Same in India😂
Same in Somali.. it is happening to me now lolz
I think arranged marriages happen in Western culture too, we just don't call them "arranged marriages". But often a friend says: "hey, I know this guy. It seems very kind and he is single. Can I give him your number so you can talk to him?" When asked "how did you meet your spouse?", many people reply "through a family member or mutual friends". Now is that not an arranged marriage?
No? If I introduce my friend to someone else I don’t want to make them marry the other person. Idc if they get married or break up. Most people nowadays don’t even get married.
No it's not!
No it's not arranged,mutual friends introduce you to a single person& the 2 singles go out on dates, and if they click exclusively date for a time period 3-12 months. they aren't any obligations ..but as the relationship progresses& both see themselves compatible marriage plans. By then they introduce each other to respective families,attend social functions.. an engagement ring is offered to the girl & 6 months time she gets married. Parents have little input in your choice of partner, however they can advise or voice an opinion.
Otherwise you make your own bed & lie in it..You are 100% accountable for the success or failure of your marriage.
However if mutually introduced people don't click after going out on several dates,they dump each other as they know they aren't compatible with each other.😂When you marry you know exactly what u are getting into😀.
Traditionally arranged marriage has no dating involved, family is in it .boy will campaign that he's good loving,and girl's parents song praises. however when 2 get married reality sets it& true colours are revealed both parties. You aren't expected to jump of that ship.
very very well explained!!
Not really, friends who just casually set up two friends on a date has pretty much nothing to do with arranged marrages. They dont really care if they get married or not, arranged marrages are picked out with the specific goal in mind for them to get married. Also, arranged marrages are 100% already a thing in western culture, its just not as talked about.
I loved that he explained how it works when it's not extreme. That was beautiful.
My grandmother arranged my mom to marry my dad. Every time that my mom was mad at my dad, she would blame it on grandma. On the other hand my dad didn't have anybody to blame on but himself.
Oh poor husband.
yen nguyen 😆😆
Poor dad.
Lol, that's funny
I found my love through arrange marriage... ❤️.. Now it becomes an arranged come love marriage.. And we are gonna marry on April 2020..thank God.. Please shower with blessings.. Please be with us.. Always make us to love each other..
Your speaking skill and delivery of your speech is very well structured. Nice job!
I'm okay with arranged marriage as long as I like him and there's an initial attraction at first sight. Love won't come instantly, it just depends on how much effort you put to make it work because love will just come the moment you accept and understand one's personality.
My only problem is that, this isn't how it's done in most families. My parents still want me to go infront of every family that visits to see me as a potential partner for their son, whom btw, they don't even bring along! Like if the mom and sis of that guy approve then they think of getting me in contact with the guy. Now how screwed up is that? And it becomes even more annoying when i am truly not ready for marriage and my parents want me to 'just consider' every family that shows up. It's emotionally traumatic and frankly quite insulting. I mean how can you force yourself even into thinking of something you are least interested in? This is why the divorce rate in south east asia is increasing. Omar had it just fine. The guy and the girl met BEFORE the families did and had full choice to accept or decline. So yeah, let's just say that's an easy peasy version of an arranged marriage.
Same for all marriages ..Have tayakkul to Allah
Hey, you are the one who comments on the video about Fighting forced marriages and honor-based abuse.
Love your comment by the way!
Perfectly worded, girl!
Thats how your family is and its not even allowed in Islam
I agree this is a fairy tale like of arrange marriages it should be always like this and its won't have a problem and people can get confused
My marriage was arranged not forced, its been almost 8yrs of marriage 3 beautiful kids, our home and are more in love with each other by passing day ❤️ 💕 Arrange marriages works just like love marriages 💑
Watching this as my heart breaks into million pieces because the love of my life is getting married and I realized that he will have a good life, but not with me. "I am happy for you baba. Knowing that you will have a good life ahead of you, is more than enough. I will always cherish you in my heart. "
I'm so sorry for you 😥
I hope you stay happy too and get your happy ending ❤ we cant make people stay, but perhaps someone else will come who will appreciate you more ❤ please have faith
I'm very proud to see you speak from your heart. You finally got to shine while being yourself and following your dreams!
By far the most touching comment I have received yet here on RUclips- Thank You Chris. Your simple but poignant comment touched my heart.Thank You for your exceptional singing of Shai's special song at my wedding.
Hey Omar awesome to meet you at the masjid. excellent video thanks for recommending this video!
This sounds like a match-making not a forced marriage.
which is arranged marriage
the title say it all.
Itzel Direm that's how proper arranged marriages work
He never said it was forced
I found love in an arranged marriage we’re going 11 years strong
U r fortunate. Thank God for it
My parents too
@@lunasworld4077 22 yrs my parents they didn't even know each other but agreed to marrying each other 22 yrs ago, my aunty who got love marriage sometimes jealous of my mom and dad, for some love dies after marriage
To make sure he has found happiness he should make this talk years later
I loved this. Anything can work as long as there's genuine chemistry, respect and deep sense of commitment.
Unfortunately not all are happy with forced/arranged marriage..luckily you found your match. Congratulations!
Melbie Dumag There is a diff b/w arranged and love marriage. Like he got to meet, see and choice by himself. that's arranged. But some people don't have the choice to choose. that's forced not arranged.
Melbie Dumag arrange marriage is like dating but your parents introduced you to your partner
Arranged -> a friend or matchmaker sets you up and you have the option to reject
Forced -> same thing but you don't have an option to reject
@@randomstuff8027 dating with no sleeping with each other..
Got to talk to Omar personally, just for a few minutes, but what a pleasure it was! Such a well spoken, kind human and I look forward to speaking to him again!
I met Omar at work, his really cool and down to earth.
this really cleared up a lot of misinterpretations and was very sweet and interesting. I enjoyed it
white people: how can you marry a man who don't know?
desi: how can you marry a man you KNOW
This comment is so underrated xD
Hahahahaha
Damn I know I’m late but is it actually sometimes nice to marry someone you haven’t dated? Obviously it wouldn’t work for everyone but it seems kinda cool
@@NyanHomeschoolGirl17 Oh yeah. I married a stranger.
Uneeza desi people are also changing their mindset, they've also started to know the person they supposed to get merry with.
one of the best videos of this decade. really loved it. awesome
Met him and his wife at my restaurant in the short time we were around each other they began to teach me things about there culture and way of life. Awesome family 👨👩👧
Congratulations Omar! It was great to meet you and your wife at the observatory tonight!
I'm proud to say I have had an arranged marriage and it has been blessed... I love my husband and he loves me.... We have been through a lot challenges but we support and learn each other everyday... Any marriage needs work and loyalty
What a way to tell a love story! Thoroughly enjoyed listening to him.. Especially the part about struggling to get a flight to meet her. It could have been easily seen as a bad omen, but instead he took it up as a challenge and made it. Wow!
Excellent presentation Omar.
So did I. On July 8th last year, and like your matchmaker says, matches are made in heaven. I would have never found him with my own efforts, but God almighty got us together.
excellent, well said.
He said "In the name of love" and I'm singing without even thinking
This is the sweetest story ever!
Omar is an excellent storyteller
beautiful and good.
I liked this talk a lot! I always used to think I was open minded and that what I learned in school always had an objective background. I only just realized , while watching this video, how wrong I was. What I was taught were little scenarios, the rare cases of really unhappy arranged marriages. In my culture arranged marriages are also common and I do think that they are great. You are not being forced into something you don't want. People choosing your 'partner' are the ones that are closest to you and know you the BEST and eventually they find a really great match! Thank you for sharing your story
Loved this!
In this case both bride and groom liked each other which is good.
In many cases the bride and groom don't like each for various reasons, looks, no common ground, money, wrong career, no career, visa issues, language barriers, health issues or other issues and parental pressure makes them marry.
Subhanallah, I really liked the way you presented it. Allah bless you both with all the happiness in both the worlds.
Ameen
Loved this talk! So inspiring! 😁
Best Tedx I have ever seen...
I’m 25, going on 26 at the end of this year. Once I’m settled in my career I think I would go to a match maker if I haven’t met anyone yet. I’m not Asian or from a cultural background where this is common practice but I’ve tried online dating and in person and both to no avail. With a matchmaker, you know you’re both serious enough to go through that channel and to me, that’s one step down already. Yes I know that I’m young and I’m not saying I want to be married tomorrow, I want to start my career first, have good savings and get my own property before I think about marriage, but once I do that I’d like to enjoy me time with someone where we’re headed towards something serious.
Generally HOPE leads to disappointment.
How would you find one?
Beautiful Story Xx
More than anything, this guy just recreated perhaps enacted the entire episode of his match finding thru storytelling......
Great job man... Very impressive
i was a arrange marrage person and i found the meaning of true love after i meet him.. he became my world..
Only if all arranged marriages had happy endings
arrange marriages =/= force marriages
Only if all marriages had happy endings
lol my grandparents have been happily married for 57 years, so I guess that's living proof they do
Neither does all love marriages have happy endings.
I have seen many love marraiges end badly and arrange marraige with happiness and no endings...
This was so nice and adorable. Thank you for this inspiring talk. Wish you all the best in your marriage ❤
Great story, Omar. Thanks for sharing!
People confuse arranged marriages with forced marriages
this was neither
It's literally in the definition of the word
ar·ranged mar·riage
əˈrānjd ˈmerij/Submit
noun
a marriage planned and agreed to by the families or guardians of the bride and groom, *who have little or no say in the matter themselves.*
@@SubjectULTIMA that's not how it works. The parents arrange the partners and the choice is given. I was given a choice and have declined three times already.
This doesn't sound much different from online dating. He just used a person instead of a website!
I just saw this guy in the middle of Texas. I even met his mother and they were just amazing.
Thank you for giving me hope.
Based on this, I think that both arranged marriages and "love" marriages are more similar than not- just in one the onus on finding the right person is on you and in the other it's on your family/matchmaker. Both have the potential to end in disaster but also to find the love of your life. I don't think it matters how you find the right person as long as they're right for you- I've found that person myself and I'm glad you did too!
I jumped from my seat when Omar mentioned Hyderabad city (of India), happy for a fellow hyderabadi's Ted talk. And Well done for putting light to Arranged Marriages in US which if done right will be successful one, Because its a union of 2 families and not just 2 humans, so its important that both families and in sync with each other at least in few things that are important for them. happy families is what America needs more than anything...
I did find.. and yesterday was my first anniversary... through your talk, I relived my marriage... thanks
First comes the right the person, then the love comes afterwards. I think holds very true in most circumstances!
okay, I need to say this , before watching this video I strongly disregarded arrange marriages but now I'm more open to the idea of having arrange marriage! Thank you sir !!
nah .don't. trust me, don't drag yourself into this mess
Marry me.
I love arranged marriages. Especially when the people involved have not found someone on there own. Why not give someone a helping hand to find happiness with a partner.
@@beatinghearts9404 still more successful than love before marriage, you have like 20 bodies before u find the right person or ever
I found my true love behind an arraged marriage too :) we are so happy and love each other so much ♥️
Great video !
Awh this one was so sweet, I really enjoyed this story
What difference it makes? U would meet someone &it clicks while u might have a girlfriend for so long & never think taking it to the next level
A www how sweet!!!! Congratulations!!!
Omar, awesome meeting albeit under odd circumstances.... great track and certainly appreciate your passion. Best of luck to you and hope to cross paths again.
great story omar thanks for sharing.
What the heck man. Why're you declining your mom's calls? Ha.
I Seriously thought this scenario was online dating. Am I the only one who thought that? This wasn't arranged or anything like that, Just a desire for a mom who wanted her son to get married. This man went to an online dating site and found a woman, got to know her via email/ chatting etc., met in person and decided he wanted to marry her. Got consent from the families and the rest is history
pearl smith uh... That's how arranged marriages work. Before the websites existed, it was a marriage bureau instead. That's all. I think like most people, you're confused between arranged and forced marriages.
Great! It's really amazing
Awesome Omar! Great talk from NE Fl 😊
How does only being together a few months constitute a marriage? Tell me again when the honeymoon period is over. Then let your wife give her opinion. Then I might believe you.
I'd like to hear the wife's side as well. Some years down the road
This is like a New York Times-Modern Love article. 💗
Hello Nasrin how are you doing
This was educational and full of humor, PERFECT
Beautiful!
Wow, that's a great story. Hopefully one day I can give a talk about how I met my girlfriend after we get married.
-The LAX TSA guy
Yeah tell now!
Terrance Dowell tell now
As long as these marriages are mutually agreed upon And both parties are adults!!
Thanks this was so helpful to me thanks for the advice
omar..thats really amazing. well said.kinda guiding light!
let God bring that special person into your life. Just wait for it.
So did my mother and father.. They both fell in love even before their marriage in the process of arranged marriage.. now they both have been together for 25+ years and trust me.. The romance, friendship, trust, commitment, and happiness they have between them is just so beautiful! 💙
P.S- I'm from India.
LOVE this.
*THIS WAS SO BEAUTIFUL*
I'm a teenager and I stand for arrange marriage and I support it from depth of my heart
Love from USA
Same
👍🏽
Recently got arranged with someone, whom am I thinking day in and day out. I am starting loving her .
In sha Allah your marriage and life will be a great success
@@fahoodie1852 she is with me now. Am married.. Thanks
@@Mantim12458 alhamdoulilah
This stuff is true. i met love of my life on 6th december, 2020. we got engaged on 10 december, 2020 and got married on 3rd january 2021. we are so love with each other and have devoted our lives to each other.
Great talk Omar 👏🏼🙏🏽
My parents are married from 25 years now and I've never seen anyone more in love with each other than 'em till this day