4:07 Nonviolent Communication ¦ based on Honesty & Empathy. Don't just Listen words, LISTEN NEEDS. All Needs - Your needs and My needs are equal. 7:25 Self-Empathy. Trying to feel what others are feeling.
"Don't just listen for words, listen for needs." - Thank you so much for this lovely, insightful talk. I really enjoyed listening to you and will keep an eye out for any other talks you've potentially done. Thank you Sylwia
I want to commend you for having the courage to do a TED talk in what is obviously not your first language, as doing the talk in your first language is challenging in itself.
Thank you for sharing this important way to communicate. I believe most of us in my generation were raised to speak to one another in ways that were exclusive of expressing our needs and feelings. I hope to see more of this training in schools, churches and work places.
The year this video was published, is the year I started studding NVC. Today I can say that what I heard here, is so accurate to how I understand NVC and would like it to be spread. thank you so much for the way you build this lecture. it was very satisfactory and inspiring!
Wonderful talk! I appreciate this perspective and her story to explain NVC in a short period of time! Also, love her accent!! I would like more accents and various dialects vs the monotones expected! Will look for more of her talks.
Thanks for sharing the concept of NVC to us! The closing remark concludes the talk in a wrapping-up manner; indeed, to remember the whole talk, I can use it as a trigger for myself. Again, many thanks! On a side note: nice shoes!
its interesting that in USA we don't translate names, her name is pronounced " Sylvia" but is spelled "Sylwia". However in other countries they translate names. In mexico Queen "Elizabeth" was known as "Isabelle" and King "Charles" is known as "Carlos"
@@analogkid4957 I'm not the original poster, but in my opinion, one reason is because it is difficult to express feelings and needs as we have been raised in environments where we haven't been taught how to effectively express ourselves. I would argue that emotional expression is especially difficult for men, and for women, need expression. For example, it's easy to say "You need to give me more freedom!" to one another. However, people do not know how to frame this statement as a feeling or need, which may lead to a "I don't know what to feel/I don't know what my needs are" statement. Another difficulty is making requests through NVC, while also attaching feelings and needs in one message. I believe people are so used to using labels or judgements that it blocks understanding between people, which inevitably leads to conflict as a result of ignoring feelings and needs.
Tom Dam Thanks for replying. You mentioned that “emotional expression is especially difficult for men, and for women, need expression.” Did you mean that for both men and women emotional expression is equally difficult? People generally think women have it easier than men to express their emotions. I contend that women have just as much difficulty as men in our culture expressing emotions. The speaker of this TED talk is a woman and she mentioned it is different to express needs and refrain from judging for “ human beings” . As a man, I don’t think women have it any easier in expression of emotions and needs.
It is difficult, but the usual methods are costly. If we can consider how expensive (damaging, ineffective, pointless, etc) doing the "normal" thing is then it can motivate us to do the difficult but healthy thing.
I had a blow out with my son. Why it happened is my doing.I made a bad call to voice something and it went down like lead ball because of wrong timing wrong approch and a subject that cuts to the bone. Even though it was repeating of information they didn't remember saying what they said but i did. My intentions was to say that what they hsd said didn't make ant difference to my feelings about them.What happen was a denial and defence went up and it got heated and a storming out.long story short, i made it right next morning so they didn't have to. Being in the right does not make it easy. It should not have happen,i taught this issue was on their mind and wanted to say don't worry, my good intentions went belly up. Hope there's a lesson here.🤔✌️
NVC advocates say they're requests but then they also use the word "needs". When they express their feelings and then their needs, it comes across as though we are supposed to do something about their feelings because they then tell us their needs, and needs are more important than preferences.
If they are expressing needs they will be universal and not related to the person they are speaking to. The request is what you are asking of someone else. The method also specifically talks about identifying and empathizing with the needs of others before expressing your own. Just for an example a conversation I had last night (the just of it anyway). Partner: "We can't do the reception because we just don't have enough money." Me(I was angry but took a minute to reflect on what needs I had that weren't being met): "Are you feeling anxious because you need to be secure and since you are quitting your job, you think that money is tight?" Partner: "Yeah, and I want to feel like I'm contributing and I'm worried about all the money we are spending." Me(after reflecting that back to her): "When you said that, I heard it as an order. I need to have autonomy and respect. I wanted to have the reception because I need to feel connected and there are people I want to celebrate with. Is there a way we can still have a party while making sure we don't spend to much so that you can feel secure?" ....etc etc So the key is that I don't need to have a party, and she doesn't need not have one. She needs security, and I need connection. Those are universal and independent from the strategy we both employed to meet those needs. If you separate needs from requests there is no problem. A need doesn't involve another person, and a request is easy to negotiate, or say no to.
I am very confident that if you listened to the original book by Marshall Rosenberg that you would realize that one who is using Nonviolent Communication as intended will share their feelings and needs without any expectation that the other person is responsible for those needs, or will carry out the request. All of these elements are considered a gift to the person to allow them to understand what is going on inside and what a desired solution is in an attempt to connect on an honest and vulnerable empathic level. If the person does not care or is not able or willing to hear is or carry out the desired request, than that is okay and Marshall Rosenberg's teachings cover how to carry on the conversation from there in order to continue to strive for desired connection. Otherwise, if that person just showed that they are not able or willing to hear the needs, feeling and request and it is okay to just move on and give them space.
Unfortunately, no. Narcissists even though they have empathy, they will always choose not to use it. NVC is loaded with empathy. This is the last thing you'd like to give to a narcissist as s/he will use that against you.
Na narcissists can't do this it's not nlp you cant fake nvc. You feel it as the emotions well up it forces you to be authentic organic and real speaking from experience
for me, she did a great job because I see her effort and courage to get up there and try. maybe you need for things to be perfect in order to be acceptable? maybe you hold yourself to this same standard and are disappointed a lot.
I feel as though memorizing her talk and trying to present in the most faithful way to what she had planned is what created those awkward moments. I could tell she has a spontaneous personality but unfortunetly that doesn't mix well with over-preparation.
May you share what you mean by this/ why you think this? New to the concept of NVC and read some place else it sometimes leads to emotional violence... what is the alternative to NVC which is an upgrade from violent communication? Thanks
You're right, but it is not the subject of this TED talk :) So for this case, I prefer to learn to listen to the Master from whom this approach is originated...
Don't listen to the words - listen for the need. Marshall Rosenberg
4:07 Nonviolent Communication ¦ based on Honesty & Empathy.
Don't just Listen words, LISTEN NEEDS.
All Needs - Your needs and My needs are equal.
7:25 Self-Empathy. Trying to feel what others are feeling.
"Don't just listen for words, listen for needs." - Thank you so much for this lovely, insightful talk. I really enjoyed listening to you and will keep an eye out for any other talks you've potentially done. Thank you Sylwia
I want to commend you for having the courage to do a TED talk in what is obviously not your first language, as doing the talk in your first language is challenging in itself.
Also it would be helpful to get the book:
Nonviolent Communication
A Language of Love, by
Marshall Rosenberg
@@richneuman9113 Thank you for the recommendation! Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for sharing this important way to communicate. I believe most of us in my generation were raised to speak to one another in ways that were exclusive of expressing our needs and feelings. I hope to see more of this training in schools, churches and work places.
The year this video was published, is the year I started studding NVC. Today I can say that what I heard here, is so accurate to how I understand NVC and would like it to be spread. thank you so much for the way you build this lecture. it was very satisfactory and inspiring!
Wonderful talk! I appreciate this perspective and her story to explain NVC in a short period of time!
Also, love her accent!!
I would like more accents and various dialects vs the monotones expected! Will look for more of her talks.
Thank you Sylwia for sharing!
Thanks for sharing the concept of NVC to us! The closing remark concludes the talk in a wrapping-up manner; indeed, to remember the whole talk, I can use it as a trigger for myself. Again, many thanks!
On a side note: nice shoes!
Wow, I am happy that I could meet Sylwia
Interesting n informative talk. Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.
Thank you Sylwia! Concise and helpful!
Nvc is naturally amazing
its interesting that in USA we don't translate names, her name is pronounced " Sylvia" but is spelled "Sylwia".
However in other countries they translate names. In mexico Queen "Elizabeth" was known as "Isabelle" and King "Charles" is known as "Carlos"
Wise approach to human relationships. Difficult to put into practice.
Robert Morrill in your opinion why is it so difficult to put into practice?
@@analogkid4957 I'm not the original poster, but in my opinion, one reason is because it is difficult to express feelings and needs as we have been raised in environments where we haven't been taught how to effectively express ourselves. I would argue that emotional expression is especially difficult for men, and for women, need expression.
For example, it's easy to say "You need to give me more freedom!" to one another. However, people do not know how to frame this statement as a feeling or need, which may lead to a "I don't know what to feel/I don't know what my needs are" statement.
Another difficulty is making requests through NVC, while also attaching feelings and needs in one message. I believe people are so used to using labels or judgements that it blocks understanding between people, which inevitably leads to conflict as a result of ignoring feelings and needs.
Tom Dam Thanks for replying. You mentioned that “emotional expression is especially difficult for men, and for women, need expression.” Did you mean that for both men and women emotional expression is equally difficult? People generally think women have it easier than men to express their emotions. I contend that women have just as much difficulty as men in our culture expressing emotions. The speaker of this TED talk is a woman and she mentioned it is different to express needs and refrain from judging for “ human beings” . As a man, I don’t think women have it any easier in expression of emotions and needs.
It is difficult, but the usual methods are costly. If we can consider how expensive (damaging, ineffective, pointless, etc) doing the "normal" thing is then it can motivate us to do the difficult but healthy thing.
@@troygreen8959 adding to what you said: normal is not natural
It’s on me no matter how expensive the meal is
It takes time but you Can do It Little by Little, Reading, and or is possibile finding a cnv supporting group.
Best Ted Talk ever!
NVC 💯! 😃😃👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼also Norwegians rock! They have some of the best ideas.
Your needs and my needs are equal!
So you get exited by discovering Marshall on you tube? thank you for sharing
Good. Thank You
Clear and concise!
Thank you for sharing this information.
I had a blow out with my son. Why it happened is my doing.I made a bad call to voice something and it went down like lead ball because of wrong timing wrong approch and a subject that cuts to the bone. Even though it was repeating of information they didn't remember saying what they said but i did. My intentions was to say that what they hsd said didn't make ant difference to my feelings about them.What happen was a denial and defence went up and it got heated and a storming out.long story short, i made it right next morning so they didn't have to. Being in the right does not make it easy. It should not have happen,i taught this issue was on their mind and wanted to say don't worry, my good intentions went belly up. Hope there's a lesson here.🤔✌️
Literally no one communicates in this way on Twitter, tragically.
Volume is all over the place
All wonderful- young kids do not have the same options- they are dependent on the adults in their life
I think the problem with putting NVC into practice is imagining that we have authority over other people and that is totally poisonous.
How so? I know only a little about it but it's my understanding it's about making requests
NVC advocates say they're requests but then they also use the word "needs". When they express their feelings and then their needs, it comes across as though we are supposed to do something about their feelings because they then tell us their needs, and needs are more important than preferences.
If they are expressing needs they will be universal and not related to the person they are speaking to. The request is what you are asking of someone else. The method also specifically talks about identifying and empathizing with the needs of others before expressing your own. Just for an example a conversation I had last night (the just of it anyway).
Partner: "We can't do the reception because we just don't have enough money."
Me(I was angry but took a minute to reflect on what needs I had that weren't being met): "Are you feeling anxious because you need to be secure and since you are quitting your job, you think that money is tight?"
Partner: "Yeah, and I want to feel like I'm contributing and I'm worried about all the money we are spending."
Me(after reflecting that back to her): "When you said that, I heard it as an order. I need to have autonomy and respect. I wanted to have the reception because I need to feel connected and there are people I want to celebrate with. Is there a way we can still have a party while making sure we don't spend to much so that you can feel secure?"
....etc etc
So the key is that I don't need to have a party, and she doesn't need not have one. She needs security, and I need connection. Those are universal and independent from the strategy we both employed to meet those needs. If you separate needs from requests there is no problem. A need doesn't involve another person, and a request is easy to negotiate, or say no to.
NVC helps us understand we have no power over another. Our needs can be met in many ways. Our needs can even go unmet but we still value them.
I am very confident that if you listened to the original book by Marshall Rosenberg that you would realize that one who is using Nonviolent Communication as intended will share their feelings and needs without any expectation that the other person is responsible for those needs, or will carry out the request. All of these elements are considered a gift to the person to allow them to understand what is going on inside and what a desired solution is in an attempt to connect on an honest and vulnerable empathic level. If the person does not care or is not able or willing to hear is or carry out the desired request, than that is okay and Marshall Rosenberg's teachings cover how to carry on the conversation from there in order to continue to strive for desired connection. Otherwise, if that person just showed that they are not able or willing to hear the needs, feeling and request and it is okay to just move on and give them space.
She had one slide
Impressive
Can nvc be used as a weapon for a narc?
What
Unfortunately, no. Narcissists even though they have empathy, they will always choose not to use it. NVC is loaded with empathy. This is the last thing you'd like to give to a narcissist as s/he will use that against you.
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 OMG
Na narcissists can't do this it's not nlp you cant fake nvc. You feel it as the emotions well up it forces you to be authentic organic and real speaking from experience
à l'oreille française que j'ai j'entend avec humour oh n'est-ce thé inde humm pa ti... compatissons?
Dang. Was going well til you mentioned empathy. My bf doesn't have any. My needs are beyond unmet.
I can’t hold back my cristicism. This is not communicated clearly enough to be ted worthy.
for me, she did a great job because I see her effort and courage to get up there and try. maybe you need for things to be perfect in order to be acceptable? maybe you hold yourself to this same standard and are disappointed a lot.
I feel as though memorizing her talk and trying to present in the most faithful way to what she had planned is what created those awkward moments. I could tell she has a spontaneous personality but unfortunetly that doesn't mix well with over-preparation.
What need in you was not met by this? Option 3 on the reply could have been gracious.
I agree...but I wouldn't say it's not ted worthy
@@amicst what were the tell tale signs that make you say she's spontaneous
Got me all wrong
Hmm... sketch Tedx sign. Is this a legit Tedx event??
She is speaking in a second language and doing a darn good job. How about you? You seem to be having with your first..
@@anpersaud698 you're not alone 💚
She's doing a good job!!
If ever there was such a thing as toxic positivity, that's NVC in a nutshell.
May you share what you mean by this/ why you think this? New to the concept of NVC and read some place else it sometimes leads to emotional violence... what is the alternative to NVC which is an upgrade from violent communication? Thanks
Difficulty to follow... Nothing new...Whats the point?
An exellent test case in how to learn to listen!!
You're right, but it is not the subject of this TED talk :)
So for this case, I prefer to learn to listen to the Master from whom this approach is originated...
+Hamza Aures 👍👍👍👍👍😙
@@Loveispatient_2024 😊👌