Pull Back From People Who Won't Listen To You | Jordan B Peterson
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- What do you do when you're speaking and your friends won't listen to what you're saying? There's a line in the new testament that's relevant to that. Do not cast pearls before swine and what that means is if people aren't listening to you stop talking to them because if you stop talking to them and start watching them instead, they'll tell you what they're up to. Pull back from the people you're listening to and find people that will listen to you.
From a talk at the How To: Academy.
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“You’re devaluing what you have to say by offering it to an audience that does nothing but reject it.” Brilliant.
Well... I suppose that means I need to pull back from my family.
Robin Bartlett Sometimes familiarity produces subestimation.
Yes, you will learn more when you observe actions
Familiarity breeds contempt. Your family members can have a special skill of including you while amazingly ignoring you.
But try to differentiate - you need to cut shitty people out of your life, not the ones that are merely irritating. Family can be irritating.
@@j_freed A well worded observation! Good man.
Robin Bartlett. I've finally made that decision today. Good luck bud.
• Stop talking to people who aren't listening to you.
• You are devaluing what you have to say by offering to an audience that does nothing but rejecting it.
POWERFUL!!!
Amen!
U are no one to force and authority
"It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance." - Thomas Sowell
fuck yeahh
Can confirm from personal experience that this is a sage advice.
What happened? Did they tell you what they were up to?
@@psychicbyinternet yeah I wanna know too
Cancelled tomorrows lunch
3 years later and I’m curious what happened
Doesn't require your confirmation
I really needed to hear this. My deepest gratitude goes to this man for his courage to ask the question.
Wasn't "he" a female?
The Question was asked by a lady, i think, no?
@@axd2312 Good question Ali, I'm not sure after you asked the question tbh 😅
Sorry I wasn't listening what was the question
@@Tod_Unctious Pay attention
@@Phoenix-Brah sorry I couldn't resist it.
I whole heartedly agree with you about the courage required to ask this question. 👍
I've been intuitively doing this more and more as the years go by. It's nice to hear someone enunciate it so well. When you start to wake up you unfortunately begin to realize how unintelligent, naive and ignorant so many people are, that you may surround yourself with. May sound elitist or condescending, so be it, some people aren't ready for certain information, when they are, you'll know it.
Yes. I can show you the door, but only you can open it.
It always sounds arrogant but seeing my friends not listening to anything that’s not complimenting on their current state of being it makes you really lonely
Yes this is so true. By letting people do what they want to do and observing that instead of telling them all the time what you need, you will see their true character. It's a tough painful process and I actually believe it to be one of the major causes of depression. The realisation that most people aren't actually there for you at all, they are too self absorbed unfortunately.
@@Lilly-ev7ll ye they are actually braindead and don’t get what friendship really means. It’s only about their own benefit
@@Lilly-ev7ll I have friends now who can be there for me physically and help me but they wont really listen to me. I'll to do most of the listening and I try to not do it much and change subject like they do but I stil do things with them because id be alone otherwise and needed help recently. one of them wont listen to me really if I give new information being an any subject . He is an older man and he only listens when I talk about men so I always bring up a man that I liked in the conversation so that he shuts up .
I had to do this with a couple of close family members. It absolutely sucks to cut ties, but it would be far more of a waste to keep trying to repair something that's so fundamentally broken. Relationships are a two-way street.
Nicely put
Two way street, give and take.
Brilliant advise. Pull back. Stop talking and watch. Let them tell you what they're up to.
The worst thing is when you are chainedd to the persons that you want to pull away. I think it hits the hardest on young not fully independent people.
Parent
Which can unfortunately easily turn into anger and resentment. Goes for anyone who feels like they don't have control of their life.
and it will continue till one won't understand the nature of these limitations (instead of pouring moore run-away pleasures), and try to be moore resistant to their effect on us or plan strategy for better present / future with bigger control
Vertical NVC is a good tool for attempting communication. Most of the time people are in so much pain you have to properly listen to them without judgement or giving advice before they can even hear you. Good tool to use for self validation as well, I hope you can change your circumstance
What exactly is NVC?
I don't know from what you got that i'm in such circumstance. All i can say is that i understood side of one of my parent, second one is broadly evaded in ,,deeper" talks by entire family (although he isn't excluded). In some sense my mother, whom i talked to is chained to that person too, cause she couldn't take divorce cause it would make only matters worse for all of us. Sadly they weren't capable by themselves to solve it, but you can't even point the finger in right direction when you are in muddy water yourself. So i think time and good future choices will loosen and finally break the chain, atleast for me..
Had I heard this an year ago, I would not have wasted all my energy for such a long time and broken inside. I realised it on my own by hurting myself everytime I wanted someone to listen.
What sucks is that there's always so much knowledge you want to share, but only few who can really understand what you're saying. Most people take everything their own way, they listen through a filter.
yes I agree with you, I had friends in the past who listened objectively and also commented and gave feedback . Now I have these friends who wont really listen , they ll keep asking questions or quickly changing subject to them. It's tough because right now they are the only people available to hang out and even be there for me physically and even help. One is a bit more open but he changes the subject a lot with a short acknowledgment. So I hang out but barely talk deeply. I try to to events with them etc. The crazy part is that they told they are great listeners right from the bat. They dont understand and I think one doesnt have the capacity but others dont want to understand.
I can confirm this is true. It's so hard for me because I really want to help people the same way JBP is doing through knowledge and teaching. I have a tendency to overexplain because i have so much to share. But most people are not ready for ALL the information and secondly i have to be careful that i'm not being indulgent in showing off my knowledge or forcing my expectations on them, which admittedly I am sometimes guilty of.
I consider this lesson part of being socially aware or emotionally intelligent: being able to read people's faces and responses and pulling back when they show disinterest.
This is me. You explained it perfectly
Could it also be that you do more of the talking and you are guilty of not listening.
A conversation should be a two way experience. Talking and listening.
Thanks for that, helpful to me and my life too.
So true. And sometimes it stings, especially when the disinterested person is someone you really care about. Nonetheless, it's a situation where less is more. Let us not be discouraged 🙏
Wow that's literally me. I couldn't have said it better myself
I came to this conclusion a long time ago and honestly all it got me was lonely. People only want to care and talk about themselves and not care what others have to say unless the other person is famous, richer than they are, academically more trained than they are etc. This is an across the board happening. I pulled back from the people who didnt care or listened to what i had to say and they are gone now and since this is a wildly common thing, I now dont have anyi friends.
Same, nobody really listens to me and I cut ties with a lot of people but now I'm too lonely
same but if I cut them off I ll be alone, the crazy part is that they ll hang out with me and do what I want but wont really listen. I needed help recently and they were there for me physically to help but they wouldnt really listen. I think plenty of people are like that , some are better at hiding it. I had friends who listened in the past and even a boyfriend who did. Ive been alone for many years and sometimes a man would ask me out and he wouldnt really listen to me ! I wouldnt feel love so I wouldnt engage more . sometimes I ask a man I liked and its rare but I d be willing to listen to him and look at him with love. When im with my friends I try to not say a lot but do things with them and not really listen like them .
I pulled back from my mother in law. Among many other stories with her: I had had a depression episode and was admitted to the hospital. She never visited but a couple of weeks after being discharged, my husband and I went to her house for lunch and she said " oh, we went to visit a friend just near the hospital where you were you know? We drove just past it!" Another time when I tried to explain to her the traumatic childhood I had with my mother she quickly dismissed me as if a mother can do no wrong. Now when she invites me to visit I say "thank you for the invitation. Currently I don't feel the need to see you but should this change I will let you know."
That’s awful. That would break my heart if it was me 💜
Wow you go girl
I want to apologize about that! My dad dishonors my feelings concerning my mom and I have no one to open up to about it
So sorry, makes Marie mother in 'Everybody Loves Raymond' Tv show a saint. Despite character's meddling she does care.
The world needs more people like Dr. Peterson.
I done something like this recently (Unknowingly). I have a colleague that always scoffs at what I had to say, and wanted a conversation for the sake of it- not considering, or listening to what I am saying. He just want on his own tangent. The same went for the company owner and another colleague in a different room.
One day, I stopped talking with them- giving the most bare bones responses, not enough to make a conversation from. Most of them TRIED to make a conversation but I kept my distance. Now they do not try at all.
Now I am no longer dragged into conversations where I am just someone to be talked AT, which is the thing that started to piss me off. I remember my GF saying, that if I am talked over, confront them. However my rebuttal was that if I did confront them, I am only making them listen to me out of guilt- they still would not care.
Brilliant! Many are the people who say you are wrong without understanding what you say. They feel better by making you feel bad. Period.
It can be hard to find people who will actually listen to what you are saying. It can be hard to listen to other people as well. I do not know how to make others better listeners. But i have tried to listen and to understand them, and i hope that by doing that they will try to do so as well
Vego ku check out NVC, sounds like youve figured out one of its principles on your own. Very impressed
Most people are to obsessed with themselves or their insanely narrow mindset they woont even acknowledge your efforts sadly...
Gotta locate the ppl who are currently on the same or similar energy vibrational wave as you. These would be ppl who might even start talking to you. About the same stuff that you were trying to talk about to the other ppl currently on a different vibrational energy wave. Who wouldn't or couldn't listen or comprehend it. Depending on the situation you might of been talking over their heads. Or way out from their comfort zone. Plus sadly alot of ppl just can't handle or face real deal unsugared truth in general. So they just ignore it or turn to believing/placing their trust & faith into falsehoods. Bc it makes them feel safe & comfortable. The real deal unsugar coated truth usually is not safe & comfortable. It forces growth & challenges the previous truth that they thought you knew. The real life horror show or movie for most folks.
This is also why one of the most slept on bible verses is this John 8:32. And then you will know the TRUTH & the TRUTH will make you FREE. Rather you are a believer or not. The fact still remains that that short verse. Pretty much sums up the real reason ppl ain't free regardless of what they try to tell you. One has to be willing to lay down the lies (all of them) & seriously eat that bitter truth pill.
Good, common sense advice. People who don't listen to you hold you back from where you need to go.
Profound and insightful in that if people don’t listen and aren’t receptive to you, walk away and put effort into the people who will listen to you. For if people are not willingly listen to you, they wast your time and your thoughts.
I envy how I have only learned this now, for if have known this beforehand, it would have prevented a lot of useless and wasteful arguments.
This is true with Business as well. Don't try to sell someone a solution they don't need
Dude that’s the whole point of business.
It’s time to realize who are real friends and who are buddies. Some people just don’t have the capacity to give you anything of much value.
what about fiends that are there for you but wont really listen? they ll do everything you want , hang out where you want etc but they wont really listen ? I stopped listening really and I talk less but still see them because no one else is available to hang out. A lot are fakes and yet you can meet them once in a while and they will listen a bit more but you wont see them again unless you contact them etc
And the moment you call them out about it or simply disconnect from them, they begin to slag you off/you discover what they really believe about you.
I always got this with my dad. He would pretty much laugh away or ignore any valid point I try to make because he always sees himself as a higher status person or something. (He always knows better no matter what) I once had this discussion with him about that there could be a full moon even on a cloudy day. Got this endless discussion going where he just DOES NOT listen to what I’m trying to say, and its frustrating as f*ck. “No there can’t be a full moon when its cloudy”
Good god.
After age 19 I pretty much stopped talking to him in general, we still live together but I only speak to him when its necessary.
“No there can’t be a full moon when its cloudy” - I'm sorry but that is hilarious. I can totally relate by the way
very important advice. there were a couple "friends" that didnt give a shit about me as my own person. i was just a sidekick. takes 2 to tango.
I really respect this man!!! Try my best to watch all his speeches!!!🙌🏼🙌🏼
Which others do you recommend?
"swine." it's someone who, for whatever reason, does not appreciate the things that you value enough to say, not necessarily out of a mean spirit but they may just not be equipped mentally, emotionally, or spiritually to really process your style of communication, and they will thus not only shoot down your words (whether by deliberate reprisal or by ignoring them), but then "turn and rend you", tear you apart, either, again, by deliberate insult/rejection, or by letting your words drift in one ear out the other, either way making you feel worthless and unimportant, questioning your whole being, etc.
it's simple: stop wasting your time trying to give your most prized things to those who don't even know or care what they're worth. but the first part of Matthew 7:6 mentions "holy" things, though, so Jesus was specifically referring to divine wisdom, which he is saying to not spout out indiscriminately; see also Matthew 10:14 and Acts 13:51. then in verses 7-11 he tells us why: those who want wisdom (or personal opinions and information from you) will SEEK it, and if the person before you is not clearly asking for or open to these deeper words (whether objectively, deeper God-truth, or subjectively, your deeper, most personal or cherished thoughts), they probably are not going to appreciate your heavy words, because in the case of God-truth it asks them to go into serious mental/spiritual contemplation, and they may not be inclined to think about that stuff, or it may just be a bad time; or in the case of personal opinions, anecdotes or even, say, jokes not well-received, it asks of them a genuine emotional response to you, which their consistent reactions to your words can reveal plainly where someone stands (or not) with you, whether they even feel connected to you at all. it can be a cold world, but Dr Peterson is basically right here. people are sinful, and it is no surprise to find yourself in the company of self-absorbed people. don't beg anyone for their attention or approval, just "shake the dust off your feet" and move on.
the beauty of God's truth is that even when the text is referring to specific people places and times, the application extends to every arena of life. so while this verse was referring to God's chosen people (the Jews who would become Christians, to whom it was given to know what God's law and prophecy was really about) and how they should handle the knowledge they gain from Jesus and the prophets before him, this simple verse also gives you the best way to deal with bad social situations, etc. as Dr Peterson said, it is a good way to live in general.
Jesus never begged anyone to believe in him, he simply WAS the truth and by his very being he beckoned those who knew what was going on. "real recognize real", as they say. it's no small thing that he simply said "follow me" and the apostles left all to follow - this is how simple it is when you fall in line with the people who are right for you. they will respond to you and you to them, no begging, no bickering, even disagreements are worked out civilly and are not grounds for even considering break-up. keep this in mind and stop struggling to 'fit' somewhere.
as a Christian, for me this also means the gospel is to be presented simply and left there for whoever will respond to do so. it means not checking incessantly whether someone is responding to Jesus as I'd like them to. i just point out that God loves you (John 3:16) despite the fact that you are a sinner (Romans 3:23) who is borne for eternity apart from Him/hell (Romans 6:23), that Jesus died and rose again to bridge the gap between your sinfulness and God, something you could never, ever do alone (Romans 5:8), and that if you truly believe this, despite not yet knowing the details, you will be with God, "saved", both here and now and forever (Romans 10:13), and leave it at that. peace
Ricardo Clemente Your comment rocks. Tks!
Ricardo Clemente Amén
Ricardo you are a genius!!!!!!!!
Amen! Thanks for the insight! God Bless! Wishing you all the best! Stay strong, stay safe, and take care of yourself!
❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing, Ricardo Clemente.
I've been interrupted so often that I've come to the conclusion I must be pretty boring. I've really analysed how I say things and will even plan a sentence before I say it so that it's spoken before it can be interrupted.
As boring as the subject may be, I always let that person speak because I know how it feels when someone buts in.
OK, I'm pulling back from the world.
Thanks Peterson?
Pulling back was only half of the advice. The other half was to find people who will listen.
But more importantly, when he says "pull back", he's not saying "cut them out of your life". He's simply saying that you create boundaries.
I totally agree with this. Don't waste your time with people who are not interested.
Beware though, are you guilty of not listening to others.
A conversation is a mix of listening and talking.
If you are doing most of the talking people will shut off.
How many times do you meet people and have something you want to share with them.
Then how many times do you meet people and want to listen to what they have to say.
So everyone please stop debating on the internet.
I've learned so much from this guys advice he's so well rounded he always has the answer
Mr.PETERSON, all your talks are amazing, I wish you the best for you and your family.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Dr. Peterson is 100% Correct, Ive had this happen to me on numerous occasions. Ive done exactly that. For example if im sitting around talking to someone individually or in a group, after listening to what they have to say, and then i respond or start talking. Non-listeners will exhibit the following: No direct eye contact, gawking around, eyes on other people’s conversation, texting on their phone nodding head, or eyes glaze over day dreaming. I will handle this situation in a couple different ways: When i notice the person doing any of the above, ill stop talking mid sentence, and pause for a few seconds, If the person doesn’t ask u to continue or something about the topic of wht u were saying. They weren’t paying attention to a damn thing u were saying. I just clam up and ignore them and find somebody else to talk too at the function. Then later on if the opportunity presents itself and they start talking to u, i give them a dose of their own medicine and give them the same rude reactions they gave to u earlier.
The other way i handle it is to clam up mid sentence, let them continue to gawk around or exhibit any of the above mentioned rude non-listener cues. Then i’ll raise the tone of my voice and ask them a question about wht i was talking about to see if they were listening.
If they dont respond to that, ill ignore them and find someone else to talk too or make a hasty exit. I dont believe in waisting my time and breath around rude people like that.
I'd just like to say that "swine", in that saying, doesn't have to be an insult. It's not that swine are terrible creatures, they just really have no use for pearls. As you find people that appreciate your perspective and ideas, and become more confident in your utility to an audience that pays attention , it will become easier to respect and appreciate the people who don't see your perspective as relevant to their goals.
Are you sure your assessment is correct when you look at it in the light of its intended original audience? For Jewish people swine were symbolic of impurity. Jesus was very deliberate with his words and didn't use symbols accidentally.
I know that he was speaking in parables, that's why the imagery he used matters.
California Mike I didn't say he's speaking about actual swine. You seem to have some comprehension issues. Done trying.
Very interesting perspective, especially your last sentence. I guess what you're saying is that if you feel valued, it will be easier to withstand being around less agreeable or even plainly negative people for periods of time.
"...lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." pretty sure these aren't sweet happy pigs.
I live with my father and mother. They both never listen to me. I want to stop talking to them. But i live with them. Its not so easy to just pull back.
I grew up in a family that had terrible social skills, developed fear of strangers, didn't know how to properly communicate and acted utterly insane. I basically had to learn social skills on my own, etc. Even to this day, it's hurtful when you simply are telling someone something and they act interested, but then start mumbling under their breath something as you're speaking, or they're not fully engaged with what you're telling or sharing and they start looking down, looking away, and it's so bad in my family, they ADMIT to being "lazy listeners." This is EXTREMELY PAINFUL when you're simply sharing something or talking about something, and they basically act disinterested, or total stonewall. Silence. If it's something important or deeply personal, I NEVER get support responses, but a bevy of comments like "if only you'd done ______" or, "if I were you, I would have _______" basically a roundabout criticism or basically saying, "Well, you'd been better off if you had done it this way, or that way, etc." It is very, very frustrating. I've learned to stop talking for the most part, but when you get excited about something, even the person I'm closest to in my family is a lazy listener and I get the quick 'yeah, ok, yeah, right, uh huh' responses under their breath as I'm speaking, and they NEVER look at me, hardly ever, it's always looking around, looking down, their attention is divided, or they get fidgety. I was talking the other day and suddenly, as I'm sharing something, the person I'm talking to OUT OF NOWHERE grabs something to look at, like a magazine or advertisement, and they start looking at it! And reading it! IN THE MIDDLE OF ME TELLING THEM SOMETHING! This is maddening and very hurtful, and I haven't learned after all of these years how to cope with it, even though I've tried so hard to do so. It's a core wound that will not heal, it doesn't seem. When a person doesn't listen to you, it's DEVASTATING. Anytime someone talks to me, I try and engage and listen as best as possible. I focus in and try not to veer off. I have followup comments that are supportive and positive. If advice is wanted, I ask them if they want it, or will wait and see if they ask me for it. I have such a tough time with this. Sometimes talking to someone is truly like talking to a wall. Nothing is said. No followup. Just silence. Or, "okay." It's utterly hurtful.
i feel you. I wish you well & healed.
I have had a similar experience and come from a family who is also not very sociable. As I have gotten older I have become just like them, not a good listener, and not sociable. But I’m also truly unhappy in my life, it has nothing to do with the person I’m talking to. So I guess I’m saying don’t take things personally
The best piece of advice I’ve heard 💯 HARDCORE BOUNDARIES ‼️‼️‼️
A lot of people try to base what they’ve gone through and use that as the basis to know others has gone through same paths. If you come from a broken family the ones who didn’t gone through broken family won’t even try to understand why you’re the way you’re. They think you’re making excuses or lying because they have never experienced that themselves so you must be the problem and they “must” change you. Then they get fed up and say things like why is it so hard? Why am I even taking my time to help you change? No, you’re trying to change me into you
Look at Jordan really listening to her question. He is genuine and in deep thought. I love this clip, and having used the advice, I've notice my life improve.
On this subject he's right. If you can pull back.
This is the best advice ever. If anyone makes the choice of not valuing my opinion and/or what I have to say, I no longer want to have interactions with that person. There is no point to having a discussion with someone who does not want to take your words.
Basically no one listens to me . I mean I guess I can become a shut in. This is why I hate conflict. Its just dumb because I know that my feelings or even facts aren't taken seriously.
I'm sorry. I know how you feel! It's not fun and it's very, very hurtful. Not many people are good listeners, and the one's that are good listeners are the jewels of the world. They are few and far between.
I grew up in a family that had terrible social skills, developed fear of strangers, didn't know how to properly communicate and acted utterly insane. I basically had to learn social skills on my own, etc. Even to this day, it's hurtful when you simply are telling someone something and they act interested, but then start mumbling under their breath something as you're speaking, or they're not fully engaged with what you're telling or sharing and they start looking down, looking away, and it's so bad in my family, they ADMIT to being "lazy listeners." This is EXTREMELY PAINFUL when you're simply sharing something or talking about something, and they basically act disinterested, or total stonewall. Silence. If it's something important or deeply personal, I NEVER get support responses, but a bevy of comments like "if only you'd done ______" or, "if I were you, I would have _______" basically a roundabout criticism or basically saying, "Well, you'd been better off if you had done it this way, or that way, etc." It is very, very frustrating. I've learned to stop talking for the most part, but when you get excited about something, even the person I'm closest to in my family is a lazy listener and I get the quick 'yeah, ok, yeah, right, uh huh' responses under their breath as I'm speaking, and they NEVER look at me, hardly ever, it's always looking around, looking down, their attention is divided, or they get fidgety. I was talking the other day and suddenly, as I'm sharing something, the person I'm talking to OUT OF NOWHERE grabs something to look at, like a magazine or advertisement, and they start looking at it! And reading it! IN THE MIDDLE OF ME TELLING THEM SOMETHING! This is maddening and very hurtful, and I haven't learned after all of these years how to cope with it, even though I've tried so hard to do so. It's a core wound that will not heal, it doesn't seem. When a person doesn't listen to you, it's DEVASTATING. Anytime someone talks to me, I try and engage and listen as best as possible. I focus in and try not to veer off. I have followup comments that are supportive and positive. If advice is wanted, I ask them if they want it, or will wait and see if they ask me for it. I have such a tough time with this. Sometimes talking to someone is truly like talking to a wall. Nothing is said. No followup. Just silence. Or, "okay." It's utterly hurtful.
I hope that you find someone that will listen to you. Everyone deserves to be heard!
@@DerrickthePinecone I get it.. I have that a lot as well. Not feeling listened to by most people. The thing is my mother (+grandmother) are just venting to me constantly never asking or listening to me in return. I have to say I have started to adopt some of these (bad) habits. She's just draining me but I get nothing out of this interaction so I'm trying to take away any kind of reaction. So maybe she will just stop or wonder why I have stopped listening like I used to all these years. I went through some tough times this year and despite me struggling it seemed like her issues where still more important. I'm just fed up. I've got "friends" who will just not reply for days.. the silver lining is I'm coping pretty well and once the pandemic is gone I'm committed to finding better people.
Word
I have no words to express how much my life has changed thanks to Dr. Pterson. I know he won't read this, but I just wanted to thank him, somehow.
There is a person at work that never talks to me and always looks the other way. I realise that he is not important to me and therefore I pull away from angry and negative people. I pull away from jealous people too. They are not worth my time.
I used to be a good listener but I have realised nobody listens to me unless I'm playing the clown or tell positive things. Now I don't listen as much because I have become exhausted by loud people talking AT me but actually ignoring me. I think only 2% of people listen, I'm drained.
My dad never listens when I speak. I stopped talking to him and now he wonders why.
This is a power idea. It's hard when this applies to your parents.
I wanted to thank you Jordan Peterson. You've changed my life.
Amazing man. Love this advice. Thank you Dr. Peterson.
what an awesome Piece of advice
Preach! I always attract people like this, my entire life basically
Some get comfortable with not listening and we make the "mistake" of also being comfortable in tolerating this rather than seeking out some real social resonance for the circle. Some topics are not for everyone either, it helps to differential whether it's just the topic or inherently "you" for them.
I had a friend like that once, he was very cocky and arrogant and thought he knew it all and whenever I gave him a valid piece of advice to fix something in his life, he would just either tell me I am wrong or not listen and things would just keep getting worse. Some people are just so egotistical or arrogant that they cannot take input. Leave them to it
Best advice I've ever heard.
Finally, someone who gives you permission to pull away. I'm so sick of the videos telling you to speak slower, ask them politely to let you finish what you're saying, etc. These methods don't work. Some people just don't want to listen. In any other part of life, we shouldn't crawl for attention from people who don't respect us. They don't deserve to hear what we have to say, and it's their loss, not ours.
Very wise advice Dr. Jordan Peterson. I’m gonna start incorporating it a lot more in my own life.
Great advice.....the Scriptures always right....thanks Mr. Peterson
U THE MAN!!!
Jordan Peterson: the alpha introvert.
jstock2317 if I recall correctly, he described himself as an extrovert in the latest Q&A video.
Interesting... I did mean that as a joke rather than a statement of fact! He does seem to be focused on the object more than its essence, at least generally.
He's far from an introvert, unless you associate introspective ideas towards being an introvert, which is a warranted idea, but he is a psychologist after all
Extraversion is positive emotions not interest in ideas
I did. Now I have no friends..😅😅 the only friend (except my husband, who always listens to me) that listened to me moved to another country. It's okay.
Most people dont listen to understand they..👏
I have done as you said and boy was it an eye opener. I now will have to find a new job, not because of me, but because of colleague who has revealed herself to be a really ugly human being who will stop at nothing to literally destroy me. thank you for this piece of advice! Very much enjoy your videos!
Exactly, i felt offended when i was talking to someone and when ever its my turn to talk, i feel hes not listening and sometimes he even interrupts, it really makes u feel inferior and frustrated. Actually that same person is stupid socially and u shall avoid him because hes toxic
Heres a trick, to make them feel what they done wrong, do the exact same thing, pain wil be shared at least :)
I address this in my comment above
Incredible advice
I wished they talked about the practical lessons of the bible in bible study.
That is such wise advise
Save your energy, time, and sanity. Just walk away. Trust me.
Absolutely perfect advice!
AMAZING....THAT IS SOME HARD HITTING TRUTH.....
Big support to you doctor Peterson
Wise words
People do listen, if that benefits them!
Simple. Easy. And helpful.
I told all my problems to my girlfriend but the only respond i got from her is (okay).
That's hurtful when people do that. I've been around this all my life and it's terrible! I'm sorry you've had to go through that. You'd think a girlfriend would be the one that would listen most.
I grew up in a family that had terrible social skills, developed fear of strangers, didn't know how to properly communicate and acted utterly insane. I basically had to learn social skills on my own, etc. Even to this day, it's hurtful when you simply are telling someone something and they act interested, but then start mumbling under their breath something as you're speaking, or they're not fully engaged with what you're telling or sharing and they start looking down, looking away, and it's so bad in my family, they ADMIT to being "lazy listeners." This is EXTREMELY PAINFUL when you're simply sharing something or talking about something, and they basically act disinterested, or total stonewall. Silence. If it's something important or deeply personal, I NEVER get support responses, but a bevy of comments like "if only you'd done ______" or, "if I were you, I would have _______" basically a roundabout criticism or basically saying, "Well, you'd been better off if you had done it this way, or that way, etc." It is very, very frustrating. I've learned to stop talking for the most part, but when you get excited about something, even the person I'm closest to in my family is a lazy listener and I get the quick 'yeah, ok, yeah, right, uh huh' responses under their breath as I'm speaking, and they NEVER look at me, hardly ever, it's always looking around, looking down, their attention is divided, or they get fidgety. I was talking the other day and suddenly, as I'm sharing something, the person I'm talking to OUT OF NOWHERE grabs something to look at, like a magazine or advertisement, and they start looking at it! And reading it! IN THE MIDDLE OF ME TELLING THEM SOMETHING! This is maddening and very hurtful, and I haven't learned after all of these years how to cope with it, even though I've tried so hard to do so. It's a core wound that will not heal, it doesn't seem. When a person doesn't listen to you, it's DEVASTATING. Anytime someone talks to me, I try and engage and listen as best as possible. I focus in and try not to veer off. I have followup comments that are supportive and positive. If advice is wanted, I ask them if they want it, or will wait and see if they ask me for it. I have such a tough time with this. Sometimes talking to someone is truly like talking to a wall. Nothing is said. No followup. Just silence. Or, "okay." It's utterly hurtful.
Pearls of wisdom...
Thanks for this video!!
Thank you Dr. Peterson . This particular advice in this video has helped me at a difficult impasse in my relationships . Bookmarked & often refer to this video to strengthen me. Your knowledge /wisdom is very much valued & appreciated , helpful at a difficult place to navigate . Thank you.
Life is just to god damn short to waste time with people who consistently fail to listen when others do listen. Sure our communication is a factor in the matter and we should always be improving speaking skills but in good time it becomes increasingly clear who actually cares, regardless. It's short and the experience might as well involve those who are "social" in our "social circle" - period. The solitary confinement of just tolerating people that just don't resonate fundamentally just wrecks the brain and sometimes even the body so be bold and meet those who can resonate in our life.
This is the advice I needed.
Powerful!
The king
So true.
Such a sexy brilliant man! OMG! and full of honour 👍😊💛☀️🇨🇦
The timing of this video is uncanny... I really need to let some people go. But why do I feel like it's my responsibility to inform them that this is what I'm doing?
Right, they don't have to listen or agree... they obviously never have, and that's never been a prerequisite for my love. Lead a horse to water, and all that... I've loved them anyways, and still do. But that's not my dilemma. Thanks anyways, Mike.
Walking away without saying anything will be easier. Informing them will be harder but you could look at it as an act of love: You're not going to leave them in the illusion that they've done nothing wrong, you're going to be honest with them. Use "I" statements, such as described here:
( www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message ), and don't expect you'll be loved or appreciated for showing them their faults. Good luck.
Yeah, I think I've realized it's mostly futile, because if they haven't listened so far, why would they listen to my "exit", right? It'd just be for me, to clear my conscience... and that makes me feel petty and selfish, actually :/ I think I'm just gonna keep doing what I am doing. But hey, if they ask, I'll give em the truth. Thanks for the advice, @solaveritas2.
Empathy
is it the same as when I am listening to someone say something, giving them my full attention, and when its my turn to share something, they immediately stop listening as soon as they get a notification and they take their time responding and then when they're done from responding to the message they look away for a bit and then start talking about something else.
I'm about to quit my band.
Thanks again mr Peterson
I needed this
That is so right
Perfect answer!
Wonderful advice! Thankyou!
NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE
The definition of god is undefinable.
Yet we say our god is our highest aim which is definable yet always changing...
If you articulate both these seamlessly, what on earth do we get? Thanks for recommending Nietzsche, I always wonder while reading his books how the man could have lost his mind having such a grasp on reality..
I had these two and one of the only few friends I had back in middle school. They were in my class but they were toxic as fuck, like they used to tell me shit like you are so ugly, you aren't getting anywhere in your life, you will never get a girl and shit. I was desperate at the time and kept them. As a result, I used to think the same shit about me that I'm worthless. after middle school I just cut them off, trust me it feels kinda wrong to do it at first but now I think it was just right
That takes real courage. I know I have kept people around for way too long and they were just as damaging. You think.. there will be no one else so you stick around. I was suffering from similar thoughts when i was growing up but it took me years to recover from that kind of bullying. Good job, really! The thing is.. the wrong people will never be able to appreciate what you have to offer.. don't try and convince them.
Very useful
Amen, praise Jesus!
You do listen
but when the person is someone you love dearly and care, but they aren't listening to you and make a mockery of the simple thing you say....