Observe, don't react. In a nutshell, remember to eat healthy and sleep more than you "need to", just a couple of hints. It's very annoying, but you ain't their parent, one should know better.
@@kathyme2882 They feel they should be able to do or say anything to you, and you aren't "allowed" to have any feelings about it. But, boy do THEY have a reaction when you point out their bad behavior!
The worst tantrums I ever saw were because I developed the habit of refusing relentless deliberate attempts to provoke me into an angry response, while visibly itching to drop yet another thermonuclear victimhood bomb. That's how I knew I was on the right path.
omg same 🙈 "i am really scared right now and I need to protect myself" like wtf protection? where was the protection when I would be LITERALLY dragged for hours and hours. no chance to shut down the conversation 🙄 but when you finally snap you are the "dangerous" one
After hours of yelling, I got angry when he got rough with my son and he yelled" your narcissistic tendencies are showing, and your menstruating". Like my reaction to harshness towards our child is wrong and narcissistic.
@@kpao822 But don't forget, only the narc is allowed to be angry and have all kinds of emotions! We're supposed to keep our mouths shut and agree with everything they say. We're not allowed to have any kind of reaction to their bullying and aggressiveness.
My stress was on overload . I was having emotional melt downs . I reacted in ways im not happy with. I think out of protection for myself, without knowing it.
me too!!! I am a nurse, a yoga teacher, a self made woman. Around him, I was literally a hot mess. I also think its as if you know subconsciously before you know consciously, yet you are moving away from your core goodness to an evil place and that alone gives you that inner discord.
I had emotional meltdowns, too. I couldn't believe he was causing those reactions in me. When he saw me having an emotional meltdown that he knew his lies were causing, he looked down at me with half opened eyes. He was so detached from my pain while in some state of enjoying what he was seeing. He later said to me it was more important to protect his lies than to end my suffering. At that moment, I knew he was dangerous to me and there was no way to reconcile our marriage. I entered into the stage of grief and rage that a spouse could be that evil.
My ex has no idea what I was thinking because I never told him. I knew I had to divorce him when I realized I was lying next to him every night thinking about all the ways I could kill him. I started having dreams about starting to kick him until he fell out of bed and then stomping him to death. I had no idea I hated him that much until then. Probably the most evil person I have personally ever known. I came to understand how people could actually kill someone, something I'd never understood. I stopped looking him in the face because I was afraid he would somehow read how much I loathed him. And then I did the best acting job of my life until I could escape. I'm actually very proud of the enormous restraint I showed. The man is a monster and the worst thing I ever did was yell at him. It wasn't even close to what every fiber of my body wanted to do to him.
It's scary where our minds take us when we have been abused for so long. I felt like a dog chained just out of reach of the food bowl. Their violence and resentment is a choice and they don't care to show it. Ours is bottled and reflected upon until the bowl spills over and you are tired of not being able to reach the food dish. I'm sorry you went through what you did and I hope you are okay now.
I completely understand. I have felt the same way. My disgust actually became physical including developing severe nausea. I would call severe nausea a high level of disgust.
The Narcissist's "job" is to provoke you. Your "job" is to know, who you are, so that you can set clear boundaries inwardly (your identity) and outwardly (your time, your ressources etc.). Con artists come into your life by breaking first your boundary outwardly with the result that you are doing what they want. After that they make YOU believe that YOU yourself wanted to do what they want, which is breaking your boundary inwardly. It's a double breakdown of your boundaries and this makes you feel empty, worthless, confusing, helpless, doubtful, angry etc. The predator is working from the outside to the inside. You need to work the other way around, from the inside to the outside. The more you live your true self, the more authentic you will become and no toxic person will then be able to step over both your boundaries.
@@rahrahrobbbieee Thanks for your response. I guess most of us are struggling because that's why we are here. It could be a lifelong process of learning who you are because there is so much in you that you've probably not yet discovered. Wishing you all the best on your journey getting to know yourself and keeping your boundary inwardly step by step 🙏💛🙏
Yes and it's so hard to reprogram my brain to acknowledge that someone could actually be that way! Each time I find myself in the same situation with the NPD, it's like I can't believe it, even though it happens on a regular basis!
@@christinagrimes5258 It's so hard for us to believe because we are normal humans, with normal feelings and ways of thinking. The narcs are so far from "normal humans" that it's mind-boggling!
Last year I snapped, totally lost it. My ex was baiting Me so much I could t take anymore I lost my temper and attacked him scratching his face and head! I didn’t know it then but now I know he knew what he was doing to Me. He took pictures of his face told Me he would t tell anyone!! He showed that photo to all around Him. I played right into his hands. He turned me into someone I didn’t recognise, someone I didn’t like. I was a happy, fun loving, confident Woman who was a shell of who I was. Waked away in July went no contact. It is the hardest thing I have done but the Best. I am free from That Horrific relationship and all his Psychological abuse. Thank you so much for your wisdom and advice.
I believe people make mistakes, any human being can be sinful,but I found it much different for the flying monkeys I've dealt with,it seems more evil to me than just being a little sinful, actually destroying someone's life,then justify it using accusations, or shaming,then they get to hide,and quite enjoy that part,making the target look crazy
Yes they brought out so much of the worst I went no contact, anorexia issue disappeared, I stopped feeling sick to my stomach after conversations with them (cause they were gone!) Sayonara devil!!!! 💨
Constant stress from these types of abusive relationships has a disastrous effect on the nervous system. It can cause all sorts of physical problems and illnesses. I am living proof of that!
@@christinelamb1167 I’m sorry you went through this also. But I hope you know that speaking your truth does indeed help others. Like I said, I’m sorry you went through this. But for what it’s worth, you helped me not feel so alone and stupid.
I carry regret & shame everyday. I lost my temper over & over again. I became something I hated. Someone I never wanted to be...I lost myself. I eventually went grey rock because I didn't know what to do. I hid everything that I could. I wasn't dishonest, but I wasn't fourth coming either. I hated it. Thank you, Dr. C for doing this video because it shows me I'm not the only one & I can be a better person. I want to be better & do better. I'm tired of feeling guilty because this person chose to hurt me over & over and I just bevame reactive. I thank God I found you.
"I am tired of feeling guilty" - I can relate to this. When you have Narcissistic parent(s) it is quite normal to carry guilt and shame within you, which over time will result in self-hate until you understand why you are feeling this way. The guilt, shame and regret of being reactive as a defense mechanism will keep you stuck in life (same as the Narcissist, who only developed his surviving abusive cycle instead of growing). Although I knew that my mother was a very egocentric person (secretive, dishonest, jalous, envy etc.), I did not know that I have always been just "a bad object" to her, which is unchangeable. My eyeopener of realization that my mother has had such a deep impact on my life I only became after meeting a Sociopath, which was the most confusing and disturbing experience I have ever had. Through him my guilt and shame increased and he also wanted to make me believe that it was my fault that my mother could not show me love! - Since I stay no contact with the Sociopath and no contact with my mother my guilt has at least strongly reduced - for the first time in my life. Life has become much more peaceful. All the best for you & lots of blessings 🤗 🙏💛🙏
I hate who I have become. 😢 I think I am making progress toward being on Team Healthy. I have to accept the mental torment I found myself in did not happen overnight and then went on for years so I will not become the person of dignity I want to be overnight.
I just wanted to say, I understand. I'm sorry and I know it sux; it's the absolute worst. I say this in hope to provide you with some comfort in knowing you are not alone, while feeling guilty as hell for finding some comfort in knowing that I am not alone.
it does get better... try to fill your mind with psych education, whatever your higher power's message is and gentle people (or no people) the healing phase is where you are
Do not feel alone. I walked into this forrest nearly six decades ago and don't know if I will ever make it out. I understand the self hate. At some point you have to let that go. It is a struggle.
When he goes into the silent treatment, I get to take a deep breath. I know it is a time I can relax. He always shows back up. But at !east I can take some time for myself.
I blew up on my Narc, she thought laid back meant she could roar into my face, she was terrified when I roared back. The thing is, I don't roar at people. This video is insightful, and helpful..
right? my ex told me that he thought it was strange I did not react to anyone else the way I reacted to him, like somehow I felt more comfortable being myself and letting loose. Really? lol
I understand. I start to shake all over. My brain goes into fast forward and the emotional pain is intense if I have to be in his presence. It takes three to four days for me to recover.
The narcissist may bring out the worst in you but most often they bring out the best, it takes alot of work and patience to have one in your life. They will require you to persevere in difficult situations because of their lack of support and you will be burdened with most of the families responsibility including the chaos the narcissist creates.
I was a hairstylist for 28 yrs. I am retired now, but over the years I can't count how many clients had the same type of spouse. They were great and all was kept confidential between us. They are still good friends... And we still talk and they like me have a sounding board to hear us out. Precious people...trustworthy and loyal. I didn't talk to the narc the last 12 yrs he lived... No point in trying anymore. Saved myself for people who were genuine. Thanks Dr. C.😊
Once you have lost it with them a few times - you feel bad & remorseful - and they will use that against you and remind you of it Nothing about the provocation !! But yes you can learn from this his that you need better self control AND don’t hang out with people who deliberately push your buttons
The hard part is when they’re both your parents, Abandoned by my parents in childhood. After I got to a place in my life, most parents would’ve been very pleased and proud of their child. I was a self-made millionaire. They Slowly chipped away at my soul my life force, isolated me, triangulated and undermined everything I had done. I slowly tumbled with no one to turn to losing $1 million everything I had built, nearing suicide. I’m now 60 years old happily married, attempting to rebuild everything I had lost. And they’re late 70s. They are now beginning their attack once again. They never change they only get worse. I don’t ever have to worry about going to hell after I die I’ve already been there.
How old are your kids? I’m sure you did more than try to protect them. I have two boys 20 and 18. I know I took as many bullets as I could to cover them.
@@gawaniponygirl1312 : uhh, I am saying this facetiously (i.e., as though I was the narc). I have to keep reminding myself that no one has that tongue-in-cheek humor anymore. People are way too literal. Thanks for reminding me again.
My biggest regret is not trusting my instincts and giving certain people the benefit of the doubt. I've learned to trust my instincts and to only trust those that have proven themselves trustworthy. No more JADEing and living in the truth. I completely lost myself to narc expectations and slowly began to hate who I became. Not much shocks me anymore. I am grateful for a few close friends/family members that I can share the worst of myself, but they also validate me. I can't beat myself up for not having the information to know it was okay to set boundaries around challenging/destructive behaviors.
I grew up with a father you had to hide your feelings from. He was a blamer. He wanted to catch you in the act. It's no wonder that we hid our feelings and our mistakes from him. That can be exhausting and, frankly, inhuman. We're meant to make mistakes in order to learn from them. Dr Carter, thanks for showing us that being a human being is what life is about and our mistakes remind us that we're LIFELONG learners. Cheers to all!
@penijoni1316 Be honest about your feelings and share those feelings, often. Even if he doesn't care. Your feelings are your own and they are important!
@penijoni1316 thats funny my mum same she was a nightmare void from emotion no wonder i had nightmares of manakins..... but flipside maybe that made me be more awakened now to feelings and how important they are and expression of these wonderfullemotionalbeings we are.....but still its not to nice not feeling loved when your little
@MT-tx7bu My father was EXACTLY the same. Always wanted me to screw up so he could tell me how stupid I was. Oh so discreetly though. Even as a 4 year old, I KNEW. He actually wanted to take a picture of me dressed up. I didn't want my picture taken. (body dismorphic disorder at this age due to him). I kept pleading for my picture NOT to be taken. He won.... OFC. I have a picture of a sweet broken little girl with a face twisted in anguish. So, decades later, I still feel intense shame when I cry. Shame for emotion. Although I have extremely intense empathy and pain pretty much for the entire world's suffering. Can't stop the emotional train now. Anyway, thank you for sharing. And, sorry for the novel. Sending love and healing 💕
I've become objectionable, intolerant and potty mouthed. On the flip side I've become more assertive, firmer and braver so I'm not going to regret any of it, instead work on restoring my usual amicable nature and stop calling everyone the c word at the drop of a hat.
For ME the "living sneakily" was SURVIVAL MODE for me & Protection for my daughter. SO VERY TRUE I lost sight of who I was, my values were GREATLY compromised /affected! If it weren't for the GRACE of GOD having a better plan for my life & getting me out of that toxic situation, who knows what could've happened. THANK YOU GOD!
Yeah, I didn't handle the confrontation well, I got mad and lashed out. That was before I had any idea about narcissism. But I followed it by going no contact, almost by instinct that that was the right way to deal with the narcissist. So whatever surge the narc got from my outburst, it didn't last long and wasn't followed by anything more, so by hook or by crook I got to the right place.
The worst of me reared it's ugly head while moving. The heat, etc., was brutal, and I never realized how much like my mother my older sister is. She even encouraged me to return to the ex narc! That's exactly what my mom would have said. I didn't go through all of this to do that. I have lost my cool several times on this trip. No pun intended.
Narcissists seem to prey on your regrets to the point where when they point out your offense to others outside of your presence, they will sometimes exaggerate the situation to the point where it the story becomes distorted and in some situations it becomes a down right lie. They are great for assisnating your character so bad thar they turn others against you.
That's the hardest, isn't it? Because the mental health experts try to get you to seek outside support ... but it's unbelievably hard when you find out the narcissist has poisoned your reputation with so many of the people the two of you know in common 😮😢
I have regrets about things I've done in my life but in relation to the narcissists I've had to deal with, I don't off the top of my head have a lot of regrets. I understand that dynamic of the narc wanting to pull you down in the mud with them and I guess I have gone there a time or two but my only regret was sharing too much of myself with them, sharing too much emotion or too much information. The narc's I've known in my life are so vile that I kind of forgive myself for any reaction I may have had to them. It was never as bad and it was never done with the same malicious motivation. The rages I've had were reacting to their successfully triggering me and their horrible behavior. I sure don't think I'm perfect but I think when you are dealing with a narc, you have to give yourself a break. They are some of the meanest, trickiest, manipulative people on the earth. I think the best thing is to just survive them, learn, and then get the hell away from them. I love these videos. Dr. Carter is one of the best, if not therapists on the internet. These videos on how to survive narcissism and the community that has been created here are life-saving. Thanks.
I was a child abuser for my reactions! I didn't have the wisdom or knowledge of their game! Never heard of narcissism! I wasn't a child abuser! Did i ever make a mistake, yes but not a child abuser! He even had me convinced that I was a child abuser!
I get angry a lot, sometimes I think I've gone crazy because of it, I get a lot of flashbacks to things that happened and get so angry when there's no one even here. It does worry me a lot because it makes me look and sound really unstable.
Actually had this happen recently.Pushed to my limits by a narcissist I unloaded by yelling at the person about boundaries. I felt bad for days,even sick that I let that part of myself loose on someone. I also feel like I lost the game by giving the narc their fix.
So many friends and family members would comment that how i had changed after i got married. For the worst. I married a malignant narcissistic man and i didnt know about narcissistic personality back then but i knew something was off. I couldnt share my thoughts with him, i couldnt tell him things about our children or about life in general. It was living a lonely life as he used information to guilt trip or against you for manipulation. It was horrible existence.
Accepting his crumbs was my downfall...After treating everyone like gold and me like trash, after rubbing his women on my nose, triangulating, denying he had attraction to them, that they were vulgar and next second he was with them, then saying he was gay and next minute he got involved with another woman...after all the crazy making i dared to act jealous and upset...o dear! Sacrilege!! as "we are not together" because he never defined the relationship but for 18 years we acted shopped and did things as partners..ohhh being jealous and upset was my sin...i became pathetic, begged, i felt the ugly head of trauma bonding rising...his hot cold on off attitude had hooked me. Worst than heroin...he brought the worst in me. I have parkinsons and rent part of his property so i see his face often. I finally have secured therapy...but feel very very trapped.
He’s not straight & this is typical auto erotic behavior in narcissism. You were a substitute mother or secondary supply as a punching bag for anger with his mother that’s still unresolved
Interesting about the regrets and shame. For me the shame part is infinitely harder to get out from under. I can have a regret at not making boundaries or making bad decisions, but that doesn't weigh nearly as heavily as knowing that I was intelligent enough to know better - which is where the shame comes from. That's a burden I have - very frustratingly - not been able to lift.
When it comes to the initial anger that so many of us have felt... It's so important to realize that it usually stems from feelings like sadness,loss,& pain and that ultimately those feelings are completely (APPROPRIATE) & ultimately VALID when you're being abused.Once I realized this my shame vanished.Where the lesson truly lies is in learning to CHANNEL those feelings into something healthy & ultimately constructive🙂👍🏻.Great video about this important lesson.
Never fails. It's me. Every time. I'm my own worst enemy in this. If I behaved that way in response then it must be me that is the problem. I know that isn't true so I appreciate this message.
Doc, this video is so relevant to me. I'm so disappointed in myself for the ways I've responded to the antagonization, disrespect, and trampled boundaries. Being short tempered, resentful, and angry is my new normal; this is light years from who I genuinely am and unacceptable to me. My face has settled into a scowl-sometimes it's hard to relax the muscles in my furrowed brow, even with focused effort. I realize there are ways I've been changed permanently by the abuse of the narcissist, like having lost my ability to ever feel truly safe or trust enough to be vulnerable. But I hope, with all that I am, that I will never be as unkind and sharp tongued as I've been lately!
Your honesty will be your best ingredient as you figure this out. I'm including a link about the narcissist's confusion about love because it ends with a discussion about what healthy love is. Best wishes to you. ruclips.net/video/cH7FbGA7d30/видео.html
I’m right there with you sis. I have a kid with one and she needs me to be at home with her at present. He has physically and emotionally cheated on me and when I share my feelings it doesn’t go well. He’s made me feel so horrible about myself in more ways than one. He’s always calling me a loser in not so many words and he doesn’t want me physically because I’ve gained weight after the baby.
This morning, i finally recognized a really clear example of the narcissist making everything your fault when it's not your fault. Perhaps, it would best be said that I'm starting to recognize that it's not my fault. Of course, I always hear the blame. WE always hear the blame. What we fail to recognize is that it really is not our fault. (Though, of course, SOMETIMES it is.)
We survived gang stalking with one head narc … he laid down from the beginning that we couldn’t “defend” ourselves for our family. Meaning he told my husband from the get go he couldn’t defend me- then I couldn’t defend my son. So if you spoke your “side” even in a very meek fashion we were “defending” him. I already had my home secretly sold just waiting for it to fund and get out. No sign in yard no listing I just did that we buy ugly houses thing and kept it completely silent. But I wanted to say “you better believe I will defend my son up to the very gates of hell if necessary “. But I just stayed silent noting the EVIL strategy of not allowing my family to defend each other. UHaul was the only and best defense. These ppl cannot be lived around or with. Not in gang stalking.
This is the number one reason to get out. Over time, no normal human being can be subjected to taunting and mocking you because you have normal emotional responses to being treated like crap, interrupted and insulted consistently and unable to get any mindspace for years and years. Before you get to the point where your whole personality begins to justify this new yelling/upset/crying/nervous person you become, it is much much better to just get out. The taunting makes you disappear and hate yourself. Meanwhile, their behavior continues to escalate and they put all the blame on you, which you carry, while they sleep like babies as we go into the darkest mental health imaginable. Not worth it. Absolutely zero good comes from staying with a narcissist. They will ruin your life beyond repair until the best you can do is get out alive and piece together whatever years and dignity you have left. Get out.
Thank you so much for posting this topic. I have carried guilt for years for reacting to the narc abuse I was experiencing. Glad to know it's part of it and that I can forgive myself.
The interesting part of this is that I spent my life as an unwitting slave to my brothers behavior and never defended myself; always walking on eggshells afraid to upset him. Yes what a wonderful relationship. So I finally lost it a year ago. The thing is I didn't feel shame. I regretted having to do so in the first place. I spent 2 minutes ruminating on whether I wanted to strike back and I decided that I needed to. It was a self defense thing. He admitted to my wife that he was being overbearing but since then all silent treatment and no apologies whatsoever. I can't say im all that upset about it.
No apologies for bad behavior or wrongdoing, that's the hallmark of a narcissist! They feel they are perfect, and never do anything wrong. It is always the other person's fault. It's pretty bad when you have to defend yourself (even physically) from a family member!
My husband has the same relationship with his brothers. They treat him like they have the right to. They went around him to get to me, so that they didn't have to admit fault or apoligize to him, directly. Weird. I said, "Nope. Not mine to fix." He misses the idea of brotherhood, and I can't blame him, but he doesn't miss the treatment. Best of luck to you. Keep strong
@@gawaniponygirl1312 omg, my dad too! It just got worse as the years went by. He had his 2nd wife and my sisters on his side and they all treated me as if I was some sort of evil witch. I only went to see him out of duty and then when he was very ill. Even the wife's mother turned her nose up at me. I never once tried to defend myself or talk back to my dad. He did help me a couple times over years, im grateful for that. He was a ww2 vet, really withdrawn yet grandiose.
Yes, reacting really came back on me years ago because then I felt guilt and shame for my reaction. I learned to go to Jesus and ask for forgiveness for my part....and then to stay away. At first it was further away; eventually it was -away. There's life outside of that person.
I’ve been called, worthless, useless, and a do-nothing! They always remind you of your lack of self worth and that you are always the problem. It’s always your fault. They are cruel, blaming, angry and are empty inside.
It wasn’t til after she moved out after 2+ years that I found Team Healthy on RUclips I realized the roomie I had was a covert narc. No wonder I was upset all the time for no apparent reasons, triggered by intentional tactics. Now No Contact except in my mind 😵💫
When I smashed something yelling “That’s what my heart looks like every time you swear at me!” I hated myself for weeks for being so reactive, so weak. He just condescended and doubled down. Years later in the middle of dealing with his smear campaign all that shame came back on me even though it had been over a decade since that incident.
Regret and shame are married. That's why narcissists run from it. People only run and hide when they know what they're doing is wrong, and they don't want to face their shame.
Not even sure about knowing it’s wrong but more likely something they know will get them called out & exposed, so shame is just their equivalent of worthless
Thank you for your faith in people who reflect upon, and actually do expect something from themselves. Shame can be deadly for some very valuable people.
Number 7 on ignoring the taunting is so spot on and so difficult Dr. C. Could you explore any tricks you may have learned to avoid this without 'gray rocking' which I find difficult? That might be a good topic sometime if there is something you can share. Thanks again.
He says, Go look in the mirror. When we had pastoral counsel together. BTW no more... First sentence out of mouth to pastor was him telling pastor i was a narcissist. I reacted. The pastor said yes, you are, Angel, because you say I alot. This was honor to share. Bless you all!!! BtW. I go to mirror and tell myself that I am loved. I am worthy. I am enough.
Angellollar10, unfortunately after multiple rounds of couples “counseling” and being the one labeled, blamed, called the villain, I’ve learned that couples counseling isn’t wise when married to a narcissist. I’m so sorry that you’ve endured this shame & blame game. I’m sorry your husband’s manipulative charm has snake danced your pastor into believing him instead of you-the true victim! My heart aches for you since I’m in the same boat as you after almost 36 years of “marriage” where he hasn’t taken the Holy Covenant seriously at all! I pray, if able, you find your own counseling (unfortunately not with your pastor since he’s now been blinded by your husband). Many prayers. 🙏💔🙏💔
My take away from watching your video's is to drop the shock. You say it briefly in several videos and it has helped me not to be so surprised when a narc tries to set your pace. Dr. C means that I treat myself with dignity, respect and civility in how I interact with everyone in my life, not just a narcissist. Good luck to everyone, the struggle is real and these video's have helped me learn a lot about myself. Thanks Dr. C.
The shock is what keeps me in the pattern, i stay so long in the "i cant believe they aren't..." or trying to understand why they aren't collaborating, caring, etc.
So true. Honestly, not much shocks me anymore, after accepting the chronic, unhealthy behaviors of narcs and their inability to realize how wrong they are.
Regret is a message from your self that you have something to change to avoid feeling that way in the future-that you didnt behave how you wish to. Taking action on this thus can lead to growth. It doesnt mean what you did wasnt understandable under the circumstances, esp when facing incessant abusive treatment. It tells you how you acted conflicts with your own values. Which can indicate the need for support to allow you to strengthen yourself in the face of such trauma-perhaps including getting away from it so you can work on whatever caused regret-like overreacting, or reacting appropriately but with too much emotion, or just not being able to control your behavior or emotions when facing abuse OR situations reminding you of past abuse. I say u, but i include me cuz ive been there & have made progress but do still have regretful reactions sometimes. For my sake & that of other people, i apologize when appropriate (later) & continue working on being more in line with my kind, respectful, considerate values….
Regret, in my opinion, is a GOOD thing to feel. It represents responsibility for one’s own actions and the motivation to be a better and wiser version of yourself. I have ALWAYS disliked the phrase, “no regrets.” And the people I know who say this phrase all of the time end up being users and abusers. Once they drain you, they move onto their next target to repeat the toxic behavior with no will to change.
Exactly. In his fake apology phase he admitted he argues just to argue. He takes the other side of things even if he doesn't believe what he's saying. His words. He tries to be difficult. But then in arguments he forgets he mentioned all that. I'm crazy and unhinged for having any reaction to his lies and false accusations. His blatant twisting of reality. I'm the problem in his eyes.
I’m managing my angry reactions better but no longer worry that every now & then I lose my cool when confronted in public with terrible behavior… I now call it righteous indignation & it’s jet fuel for getting me right out of toxic situations
I made the mistake of sharing therapy sessions with my ex years ago. She ended up using that information to push my trauma triggers whenever she felt like it and it set me up for a decade of reaction abuse from her. Her favorite phrase to throw in my face "I'm afraid of you when you're angry." As if she had nothing to do with it....
Yeah I did some bad stuff, turned into half a narc myself I think. I never felt like I could leave and I didnt have the self confidence to go with the guy i knew was right for me deep down (i thought he was too good for me) and I convinced the narc to have an open relationship (something I wouldn't ever really want) and i just did things i wouldnt do ordinarily.. i regret those things because it hurt the one who actually cared about me and lent more to the narcs secret talk of me being awful to him or something.. I supported him through so much.. I feel bad constantly.. i didn't realise that was the shame, i know how guilt feels, its very acute but this is a stomach tension that doesn't go away and isnt physical. Thank you for the video!
the judging and the condemnation and the narcissistic pathological lying and defaming your character,i can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
"No regrets" has always gotten my goat also. My first thought is how did they live a life of never feeling bad about anything they've ever done? Well, like Frank Sinatra once said, regrets I've got a few. It has also been my goal to not become the thing I hate, though after having dealings with narcissists that endeavor can be a difficult one. Thanks Dr C for your encouragement!
I agree they have no regret once discarded. My ex had the nerve to say to me I’m sorry this is hard for you. Not I’m sorry for how she treated me just that she was sorry I was devastated.
I've been pushing back every time my sister has tried her maneuvers, mostly using her own words and tactics. She told me recently that she thinks Ive been engaging in psychological warfare and as much as I hate to admit it, she's right, I am. I feel that by not calling her out on every transgression, she takes as permission and becomes emboldened to do more. Unfortunately, it is apparently the only tool in my toolbox. Much like the old saying 'when your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.' It was the only way I could come up with to set boundaries, but I hate who I let her make me become. Dr. Carter, through his videos, has given me perspective and tools to deal with the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. He's giving us tools, better tools than fighting fire with fire, which is exhausting. Thank you, Dr. C.
I feel like due to not calling them out on every transgression and letting them pile up until I couldnt take it anymore, made me look and act like the unstable one. How to navigate pointing things out in a calm way is difficult, especially if they are already antagonistic. Had to go no contact for my own sanity, and the picture became clear.
@@Jess-kn8vl I will go no contact as soon as I can, unfortunately she is the executrix of my parents estate. She was playing the long game, had her plan in place so that when they passed on, she'd be there, ready and waiting. The only reason I think my brother and I are in the will is because I insisted all of us be at the law office when the will was drawn up and signed. I was our Mom's live in caretaker but my sister made the appointment for the will and was going to take Mom in without my brother and I even knowing about it. This whole ordeal has been like a street brawl but if no one speaks up, she'll steamroll you. I should've been forewarned when she told me all the stuff she did when her mother in law died and her husband was named executor. She prevented her sister in law from getting what she should've been entitled to, just out of spite. She directed her husband's actions: the sister in law was the caretaker and my sister and her husband lived in another state. She gamed that situation and is now gaming this one. I knew she was selfish and self centered but I truly did not understand that she was a narcissist and to be honest I didn't understand narcissisism. It has been a steep learning curve.
I feel terrible for my lost of controls, the screaming, the hitting the wall with my head, the self mutilation, the fact that I wanted to attempt suicide. All because I was realizing how much I had been lied to. It is sad that I left myself be destroyed in this manner. That was not me, I knew how to handle my stress. But I had so much trust in her, it threw me off my rails. But it pains me to think how low I let myself be. It angers me that I let that happen for nothing else than love that I had for my abuser.
I was watching someone the other day who said that venting anger i.e. ranting etc doesn't release the anger or get rid of it it just keeps you in it longer, so you get more stressed more angry and you ruminate more and then it becomes a cycle. I think this is true don't know if other people agree?
If your “go-to” reaction/response is venting/ranting, you reinforce that, every time you choose to go that route. It is a choice. But by repeated thoughtless action, it becomes your nature. Any repeated task becomes completed swifter if repeated the same way. And harder to unlearn.
I'm not a fan of teaching people to unload. I get that they are trying to help others own their feelings, but along the way, healthy life skills need to be considered too. There is an old proverb, Don't exchange insult for insult or evil for evil. I prefer honesty about one's emotions while also taking the high road.
I realized that I am going through the stages of grief. Once I finally realized what was going on-- that I am dealing with a CN and that it's all been lies to keep me at bay.
Firstly. GUS is the most handsome, lovely dog and helps to boost my day !!!! On the point of your subject. I have been a person I didn’t want to be in the relationship with Narc…. I thank God that I escaped it and am able to be my authentic person. They make you show your teeth ! ☺️
I had this kind of scenario recently with a toxic friend. Yeah, I had that moment when I went over the top with my emotion and regret came in. But on the flip side, I took that as a learning exposing how toxic he really was, taking the lessons from it and I did cut him off my life. Blocked him off contact, I am now with my inner peace. Thank you for this insight. Appreciate this content.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I became an angry, frustrated and a fed up person whose trust was smashed. I didn't like the person i had become because it wasn't me. I was emotionally guarded - "shields up" almost constantly. My regret was for not understanding boundaries better and not standing up for myself much sooner. Confusion and fear ruled me - definitely never wanting this kind of relationship again.
This articulation of reactive abuse is so clarifying, thank you! I don’t practice chaos unlike the narc that imposed it. My allergic reaction experienced thru regret at stooping to their level is learning where my defenses need strengthening.
Dr Carter, reading Dr Simon’s book began my healing journey of accountability. Later on my journey, your channel came into action. And the rest is history. So I was super happy when you chose to interview Dr Simon for one of your episodes. Perfect match for people wanting to break free from narcissistic abuse. As I read Dr Simon’s book, every now and then I would think to myself about myself… “Eeps, I do that… TO MYSELF.” The shaming, the arguing, the finger pointing… I had begun to do it to my own self. If the narcissist denied something, I shamed myself for thinking the narcissist did it when “maybe I was wrong about thinking that of the narcissist.” If the narcissist “forgot” something (which I now know was just a lie,) I would mentally and emotionally argue with my own self about how I might have remembered it incorrectly. I had become a narcissist (joined by the actual narcissists in my life) who was ganging up on myself. It wasn’t something I willingly did. It oddly happened in progression from the day I was born, influenced by narcissistic parents who they themselves most likely were dealing with the same. The difference was they find it perfectly acceptable to be the way they are toward others because it keeps them from being that way to themselves. I refused to be that way to others… which made being that way toward myself even worse. I honestly thought I was going insane. I knew something had to stop. Eventually you helped me to realize THEY would never stop. So I had to. I had to stop abusing ME. And I had to get away from them because they need someone to abuse since they have conditioned themselves to not be the ones they abuse. It’s a crazy cycle I am so glad to no longer be a part of. Edited for typos
My narcissistic folks in my life have inspired out all while post-hypocritically admitted that cursing "inspires the worst out of people." Honestly, no, not to me. It is their toxicity that will inspire worst of everyone else. I need to remember these steps you mentioned in the video to better survive my toxic environment I am still trapped in.
On 1-1-23 I lost all semblance of who & what I am after finding so much on his social media account. I see my emotion that day as a final survival of betrayal. Removing someone who would deceive me after 24 yrs of his relapse/recovery was done by a power greater than myself. My healing began that day. Shame??? Only that I did not do it sooner. When someone pushes one to such depths there can be nothing more gratifying than climbing to higher ground. TY Dr C My daily listening practice
@samdracaezza7234.Hello dear, I saw your pretty face so unique I can't skip your profile without sending you a message...... I will be glad to hear from you soon!
Feeling in their debt, and feeling the harshness of their accusation that you did this or you did that, is definately not a life sentence to have to carry. I like to disconnect from the narcissist completely and find my own footing again. Dont care about what they might think of you if you choose no contact for a while, to reset yourself and find your peace!
Thank you dr. C, for this video. My narcissist brings out the very worst of my nature. I have plenty of regrets about it. I would to not react. After going through all kinds of verbal abuse, psychological abuse, harassment, sexual abuse, lies, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting. I have snapped a few times. My temper would just flare up and I would completely lose it. He knows he has a way to get under your skin to piss you off. To top it off he completely loves playing the victim card too. It’s all so gross and ridiculous. I’m at the point, after over three years and five months of this shit where I completely hate him. I’m not sure if that’s normal? I realize everyone has a breaking point though.
In an odd way, responding abnormally to an abnormal situation is normal. We have a natural interdependent bent, but when we are entwined with a very unhealthy person, that spells trouble. You have two tasks ahead of you...Remove yourself as much as you can from the unhealthy influences, and recalibrate by going back to your basics and defining who you are and how that impacts your daily behaviors. Best wishes to you.
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After, came the condemnation for reacting to their abuse. How DARE I yell back? How DARE I show frustration?
Observe, don't react. In a nutshell, remember to eat healthy and sleep more than you "need to", just a couple of hints.
It's very annoying, but you ain't their parent, one should know better.
Ohhh me too
Exactly! They will gaslight your normal behaviour and reactions to their abuse and manipulation.
@@kathyme2882 They feel they should be able to do or say anything to you, and you aren't "allowed" to have any feelings about it. But, boy do THEY have a reaction when you point out their bad behavior!
Yup. Those exact words. Never again
A narcissists hobby is making you upset. They are almost sadistic in how they enjoy seeing you upset.
Skip the word "almost".
The worst tantrums I ever saw were because I developed the habit of refusing relentless deliberate attempts to provoke me into an angry response, while visibly itching to drop yet another thermonuclear victimhood bomb. That's how I knew I was on the right path.
Stay strong, Darryn.
Good work! Thank you!
The one I loved hearing was " I'm scared of your anger!"...especially after i had been yelled at literally for hours.
I know right! 😂👍
omg same 🙈 "i am really scared right now and I need to protect myself" like wtf protection? where was the protection when I would be LITERALLY dragged for hours and hours. no chance to shut down the conversation 🙄 but when you finally snap you are the "dangerous" one
exactly right
After hours of yelling, I got angry when he got rough with my son and he yelled" your narcissistic tendencies are showing, and your menstruating". Like my reaction to harshness towards our child is wrong and narcissistic.
@@kpao822 But don't forget, only the narc is allowed to be angry and have all kinds of emotions! We're supposed to keep our mouths shut and agree with everything they say. We're not allowed to have any kind of reaction to their bullying and aggressiveness.
My stress was on overload . I was having emotional melt downs . I reacted in ways im not happy with. I think out of protection for myself, without knowing it.
me too!!! I am a nurse, a yoga teacher, a self made woman. Around him, I was literally a hot mess. I also think its as if you know subconsciously before you know consciously, yet you are moving away from your core goodness to an evil place and that alone gives you that inner discord.
That's what I have been doing to!
I had emotional meltdowns, too. I couldn't believe he was causing those reactions in me. When he saw me having an emotional meltdown that he knew his lies were causing, he looked down at me with half opened eyes. He was so detached from my pain while in some state of enjoying what he was seeing. He later said to me it was more important to protect his lies than to end my suffering. At that moment, I knew he was dangerous to me and there was no way to reconcile our marriage. I entered into the stage of grief and rage that a spouse could be that evil.
@@charliesmomYes.
It's like being framed or a puppet hanging on strings until you step into your power and the narcissist does not control your reactions anymore
I'm trying so hard to reach that point. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I find myself reacting once again. It's a constant battle.
React on the inside, but don’t show it on the outside, it always backfires on you.
@@ginafarley6190 good advise
My ex has no idea what I was thinking because I never told him. I knew I had to divorce him when I realized I was lying next to him every night thinking about all the ways I could kill him. I started having dreams about starting to kick him until he fell out of bed and then stomping him to death. I had no idea I hated him that much until then. Probably the most evil person I have personally ever known. I came to understand how people could actually kill someone, something I'd never understood. I stopped looking him in the face because I was afraid he would somehow read how much I loathed him. And then I did the best acting job of my life until I could escape. I'm actually very proud of the enormous restraint I showed. The man is a monster and the worst thing I ever did was yell at him. It wasn't even close to what every fiber of my body wanted to do to him.
It's scary where our minds take us when we have been abused for so long. I felt like a dog chained just out of reach of the food bowl. Their violence and resentment is a choice and they don't care to show it. Ours is bottled and reflected upon until the bowl spills over and you are tired of not being able to reach the food dish.
I'm sorry you went through what you did and I hope you are okay now.
Wow, you are brave to write about those kinds of dreams and thoughts. The same thing happened to me, and I felt really terrible about it.
I completely understand. I have felt the same way. My disgust actually became physical including developing severe nausea. I would call severe nausea a high level of disgust.
The Narcissist's "job" is to provoke you.
Your "job" is to know, who you are, so that you can set clear boundaries inwardly (your identity) and outwardly (your time, your ressources etc.).
Con artists come into your life by breaking first your boundary outwardly with the result that you are doing what they want. After that they make YOU believe that YOU yourself wanted to do what they want, which is breaking your boundary inwardly.
It's a double breakdown of your boundaries and this makes you feel empty, worthless, confusing, helpless, doubtful, angry etc.
The predator is working from the outside to the inside. You need to work the other way around, from the inside to the outside. The more you live your true self, the more authentic you will become and no toxic person will then be able to step over both your boundaries.
💯 THANKS! Great advice
Keeping to who you are is my struggle.
@@Survivin2Thrivin you are very welcome!
Integrity is something narcissistic people don't have much of.
@@rahrahrobbbieee Thanks for your response. I guess most of us are struggling because that's why we are here. It could be a lifelong process of learning who you are because there is so much in you that you've probably not yet discovered. Wishing you all the best on your journey getting to know yourself and keeping your boundary inwardly step by step 🙏💛🙏
The NPD in my life seems to rejoice with glee when I finally react to their HATE
mine too, its so creepy (esp bc its my dad) a real mindscrambler and heartbreaker
@user-uh5tb9er4o Sorry that you've had to experience this. I'm sure it's doubly difficult with that relationship factor.
Yes and it's so hard to reprogram my brain to acknowledge that someone could actually be that way! Each time I find myself in the same situation with the NPD, it's like I can't believe it, even though it happens on a regular basis!
@@christinagrimes5258 It's so hard for us to believe because we are normal humans, with normal feelings and ways of thinking. The narcs are so far from "normal humans" that it's mind-boggling!
Yes! Our pain is their joy!
“Son, if you’re not careful you will become the very thing you despise the most in a person.”
Last year I snapped, totally lost it. My ex was baiting Me so much I could t take anymore I lost my temper and attacked him scratching his face and head! I didn’t know it then but now I know he knew what he was doing to Me. He took pictures of his face told Me he would t tell anyone!! He showed that photo to all around Him. I played right into his hands.
He turned me into someone I didn’t recognise, someone I didn’t like. I was a happy, fun loving, confident Woman who was a shell of who I was. Waked away in July went no contact. It is the hardest thing I have done but the Best. I am free from That Horrific relationship and all his Psychological abuse. Thank you so much for your wisdom and advice.
Thank you for this important discussion about the shame and remorse that inevitably crashes down on the victim.
I believe people make mistakes, any human being can be sinful,but I found it much different for the flying monkeys I've dealt with,it seems more evil to me than just being a little sinful, actually destroying someone's life,then justify it using accusations, or shaming,then they get to hide,and quite enjoy that part,making the target look crazy
Yes they brought out so much of the worst I went no contact, anorexia issue disappeared, I stopped feeling sick to my stomach after conversations with them (cause they were gone!) Sayonara devil!!!! 💨
Thank you for saying your stomach was messed up. I honestly threw up ever day, sometimes all day for several days.
OMG my ex. husband made me VOMIT a LOT towards the END! I went anorexia with my ROTTEN MOTHER! @@sleepydoppy8516
Constant stress from these types of abusive relationships has a disastrous effect on the nervous system. It can cause all sorts of physical problems and illnesses. I am living proof of that!
@@christinelamb1167 I’m sorry you went through this also. But I hope you know that speaking your truth does indeed help others. Like I said, I’m sorry you went through this. But for what it’s worth, you helped me not feel so alone and stupid.
@@sleepydoppy8516 You are definitely not alone, nor stupid! Now is the time to take good care of ourselves, and stay clear of abusers.
Breaking me down lifts him up!
Ugh
Our feelings are our protectors, there’s a lesson to be learnt!
So true, Fred.
It is hard to follow that gut instinct when you have been taught to question it over many years.
@@rahrahrobbbieeeThat's true. I'm improving all the time 🤗
Still finding it difficult to take my own feelings seriously and to stick by my boundaries
@@amber40494 As many in communities like this have said, "HOLD ON TO YOURSELF!"
I carry regret & shame everyday. I lost my temper over & over again. I became something I hated. Someone I never wanted to be...I lost myself. I eventually went grey rock because I didn't know what to do. I hid everything that I could. I wasn't dishonest, but I wasn't fourth coming either. I hated it.
Thank you, Dr. C for doing this video because it shows me I'm not the only one & I can be a better person. I want to be better & do better. I'm tired of feeling guilty because this person chose to hurt me over & over and I just bevame reactive. I thank God I found you.
"I am tired of feeling guilty" - I can relate to this. When you have Narcissistic parent(s) it is quite normal to carry guilt and shame within you, which over time will result in self-hate until you understand why you are feeling this way. The guilt, shame and regret of being reactive as a defense mechanism will keep you stuck in life (same as the Narcissist, who only developed his surviving abusive cycle instead of growing). Although I knew that my mother was a very egocentric person (secretive, dishonest, jalous, envy etc.), I did not know that I have always been just "a bad object" to her, which is unchangeable. My eyeopener of realization that my mother has had such a deep impact on my life I only became after meeting a Sociopath, which was the most confusing and disturbing experience I have ever had. Through him my guilt and shame increased and he also wanted to make me believe that it was my fault that my mother could not show me love! - Since I stay no contact with the Sociopath and no contact with my mother my guilt has at least strongly reduced - for the first time in my life. Life has become much more peaceful.
All the best for you & lots of blessings 🤗 🙏💛🙏
@roxymovie3938 Thank you. I'm sorry you had to go through so much. I wish you peace, joy, and healing.🙏💗❤️🩹
You are a good person remember that ❤
I hate who I have become. 😢 I think I am making progress toward being on Team Healthy. I have to accept the mental torment I found myself in did not happen overnight and then went on for years so I will not become the person of dignity I want to be overnight.
Self awareness is the beginning of transformation. Keep learning, and I'm pleased to be on the journey with you!
I just wanted to say, I understand. I'm sorry and I know it sux; it's the absolute worst. I say this in hope to provide you with some comfort in knowing you are not alone, while feeling guilty as hell for finding some comfort in knowing that I am not alone.
it does get better... try to fill your mind with psych education, whatever your higher power's message is and gentle people (or no people) the healing phase is where you are
Do not feel alone. I walked into this forrest nearly six decades ago and don't know if I will ever make it out.
I understand the self hate. At some point you have to let that go. It is a struggle.
you are certainly not alone in this!
When he goes into the silent treatment, I get to take a deep breath. I know it is a time I can relax. He always shows back up.
But at !east I can take some time for myself.
That's a great way to look at it
I blew up on my Narc, she thought laid back meant she could roar into my face, she was terrified when I roared back. The thing is, I don't roar at people. This video is insightful, and helpful..
right? my ex told me that he thought it was strange I did not react to anyone else the way I reacted to him, like somehow I felt more comfortable being myself and letting loose. Really? lol
That is so true, I cant believe I get so triggered now just by his presence.
I understand. I start to shake all over. My brain goes into fast forward and the emotional pain is intense if I have to be in his presence. It takes three to four days for me to recover.
The narcissist may bring out the worst in you but most often they bring out the best, it takes alot of work and patience to have one in your life. They will require you to persevere in difficult situations because of their lack of support and you will be burdened with most of the families responsibility including the chaos the narcissist creates.
I was a hairstylist for 28 yrs. I am retired now, but over the years I can't count how many clients had the same type of spouse. They were great and all was kept confidential between us. They are still good friends... And we still talk and they like me have a sounding board to hear us out. Precious people...trustworthy and loyal. I didn't talk to the narc the last 12 yrs he lived... No point in trying anymore. Saved myself for people who were genuine. Thanks Dr. C.😊
Once you have lost it with them a few times - you feel bad & remorseful - and they will use that against you and remind you of it
Nothing about the provocation !!
But yes you can learn from this his that you need better self control AND don’t hang out with people who deliberately push your buttons
The hard part is when they’re both your parents, Abandoned by my parents in childhood.
After I got to a place in my life, most parents would’ve been very pleased and proud of their child. I was a self-made millionaire. They Slowly chipped away at my soul my life force, isolated me, triangulated and undermined everything I had done. I slowly tumbled with no one to turn to losing $1 million everything I had built, nearing suicide.
I’m now 60 years old happily married, attempting to rebuild everything I had lost. And they’re late 70s. They are now beginning their attack once again. They never change they only get worse.
I don’t ever have to worry about going to hell after I die I’ve already been there.
Same here both parents and a “brother”
This is my shame ... not protecting children from them. It's like they outsmart your best intentions.
They *NEVER* lose.
How old are your kids? I’m sure you did more than try to protect them. I have two boys 20 and 18. I know I took as many bullets as I could to cover them.
@@gawaniponygirl1312 : uhh, I am saying this facetiously (i.e., as though I was the narc). I have to keep reminding myself that no one has that tongue-in-cheek humor anymore. People are way too literal. Thanks for reminding me again.
@@gawaniponygirl1312 ok, you don’t get it.
it's difficult.
They feed on our pain.
Yes.
My biggest regret is not trusting my instincts and giving certain people the benefit of the doubt. I've learned to trust my instincts and to only trust those that have proven themselves trustworthy. No more JADEing and living in the truth. I completely lost myself to narc expectations and slowly began to hate who I became. Not much shocks me anymore. I am grateful for a few close friends/family members that I can share the worst of myself, but they also validate me. I can't beat myself up for not having the information to know it was okay to set boundaries around challenging/destructive behaviors.
Yes.
I grew up with a father you had to hide your feelings from. He was a blamer. He wanted to catch you in the act. It's no wonder that we hid our feelings and our mistakes from him. That can be exhausting and, frankly, inhuman. We're meant to make mistakes in order to learn from them.
Dr Carter, thanks for showing us that being a human being is what life is about and our mistakes remind us that we're LIFELONG learners. Cheers to all!
@penijoni1316 Be honest about your feelings and share those feelings, often. Even if he doesn't care. Your feelings are your own and they are important!
@penijoni1316 thats funny my mum same she was a nightmare void from emotion no wonder i had nightmares of manakins..... but flipside maybe that made me be more awakened now to feelings and how important they are and expression of these wonderfullemotionalbeings we are.....but still its not to nice not feeling loved when your little
@MT-tx7bu My father was EXACTLY the same. Always wanted me to screw up so he could tell me how stupid I was. Oh so discreetly though. Even as a 4 year old, I KNEW. He actually wanted to take a picture of me dressed up. I didn't want my picture taken. (body dismorphic disorder at this age due to him). I kept pleading for my picture NOT to be taken. He won.... OFC. I have a picture of a sweet broken little girl with a face twisted in anguish. So, decades later, I still feel intense shame when I cry. Shame for emotion. Although I have extremely intense empathy and pain pretty much for the entire world's suffering. Can't stop the emotional train now. Anyway, thank you for sharing. And, sorry for the novel. Sending love and healing 💕
P.S. I STILL triple check everything in life to not make a mistake. 😢
@penijoni1316my dad was same. I'm 74 and still have trouble with feelings, boundaries, self control
I've become objectionable, intolerant and potty mouthed. On the flip side I've become more assertive, firmer and braver so I'm not going to regret any of it, instead work on restoring my usual amicable nature and stop calling everyone the c word at the drop of a hat.
For ME the "living sneakily" was SURVIVAL MODE for me & Protection for my daughter.
SO VERY TRUE I lost sight of who I was, my values were GREATLY compromised /affected! If it weren't for the GRACE of GOD having a better plan for my life & getting me out of that toxic situation, who knows what could've happened. THANK YOU GOD!
Yeah, I didn't handle the confrontation well, I got mad and lashed out. That was before I had any idea about narcissism. But I followed it by going no contact, almost by instinct that that was the right way to deal with the narcissist. So whatever surge the narc got from my outburst, it didn't last long and wasn't followed by anything more, so by hook or by crook I got to the right place.
The worst of me reared it's ugly head while moving. The heat, etc., was brutal, and I never realized how much like my mother my older sister is. She even encouraged me to return to the ex narc! That's exactly what my mom would have said. I didn't go through all of this to do that. I have lost my cool several times on this trip. No pun intended.
Narcissists seem to prey on your regrets to the point where when they point out your offense to others outside of your presence, they will sometimes exaggerate the situation to the point where it the story becomes distorted and in some situations it becomes a down right lie. They are great for assisnating your character so bad thar they turn others against you.
That's the hardest, isn't it? Because the mental health experts try to get you to seek outside support ... but it's unbelievably hard when you find out the narcissist has poisoned your reputation with so many of the people the two of you know in common 😮😢
I have regrets about things I've done in my life but in relation to the narcissists I've had to deal with, I don't off the top of my head have a lot of regrets. I understand that dynamic of the narc wanting to pull you down in the mud with them and I guess I have gone there a time or two but my only regret was sharing too much of myself with them, sharing too much emotion or too much information. The narc's I've known in my life are so vile that I kind of forgive myself for any reaction I may have had to them. It was never as bad and it was never done with the same malicious motivation. The rages I've had were reacting to their successfully triggering me and their horrible behavior. I sure don't think I'm perfect but I think when you are dealing with a narc, you have to give yourself a break. They are some of the meanest, trickiest, manipulative people on the earth. I think the best thing is to just survive them, learn, and then get the hell away from them. I love these videos. Dr. Carter is one of the best, if not therapists on the internet. These videos on how to survive narcissism and the community that has been created here are life-saving. Thanks.
4:30 When a narcissist says they have no regrets in their life what they really mean is they have no REMORSE.
Excellent distinction.
I was a child abuser for my reactions! I didn't have the wisdom or knowledge of their game! Never heard of narcissism! I wasn't a child abuser! Did i ever make a mistake, yes but not a child abuser! He even had me convinced that I was a child abuser!
I get angry a lot, sometimes I think I've gone crazy because of it, I get a lot of flashbacks to things that happened and get so angry when there's no one even here. It does worry me a lot because it makes me look and sound really unstable.
Actually had this happen recently.Pushed to my limits by a narcissist I unloaded by yelling at the person about boundaries. I felt bad for days,even sick that I let that part of myself loose on someone. I also feel like I lost the game by giving the narc their fix.
Your upleveling
It's horrible, I know. 😢
It feels awful but you have to forgive yourself.
So many friends and family members would comment that how i had changed after i got married. For the worst. I married a malignant narcissistic man and i didnt know about narcissistic personality back then but i knew something was off. I couldnt share my thoughts with him, i couldnt tell him things about our children or about life in general. It was living a lonely life as he used information to guilt trip or against you for manipulation. It was horrible existence.
Accepting his crumbs was my downfall...After treating everyone like gold and me like trash, after rubbing his women on my nose, triangulating, denying he had attraction to them, that they were vulgar and next second he was with them, then saying he was gay and next minute he got involved with another woman...after all the crazy making i dared to act jealous and upset...o dear! Sacrilege!! as "we are not together" because he never defined the relationship but for 18 years we acted shopped and did things as partners..ohhh being jealous and upset was my sin...i became pathetic, begged, i felt the ugly head of trauma bonding rising...his hot cold on off attitude had hooked me. Worst than heroin...he brought the worst in me. I have parkinsons and rent part of his property so i see his face often. I finally have secured therapy...but feel very very trapped.
He’s not straight & this is typical auto erotic behavior in narcissism. You were a substitute mother or secondary supply as a punching bag for anger with his mother that’s still unresolved
Interesting about the regrets and shame. For me the shame part is infinitely harder to get out from under. I can have a regret at not making boundaries or making bad decisions, but that doesn't weigh nearly as heavily as knowing that I was intelligent enough to know better - which is where the shame comes from. That's a burden I have - very frustratingly - not been able to lift.
Yep. As soon as I would fight back she would say two things, your such a victim and you're not going to cry are you.
When it comes to the initial anger that so many of us have felt... It's so important to realize that it usually stems from feelings like sadness,loss,& pain and that ultimately those feelings are completely (APPROPRIATE) & ultimately VALID when you're being abused.Once I realized this my shame vanished.Where the lesson truly lies is in learning to CHANNEL those feelings into something healthy & ultimately constructive🙂👍🏻.Great video about this important lesson.
I feel like this!! I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, though.
My neck is sore from all the nodding yes!
A couple of Advil should help.
Never fails. It's me. Every time. I'm my own worst enemy in this. If I behaved that way in response then it must be me that is the problem. I know that isn't true so I appreciate this message.
Doc, this video is so relevant to me. I'm so disappointed in myself for the ways I've responded to the antagonization, disrespect, and trampled boundaries. Being short tempered, resentful, and angry is my new normal; this is light years from who I genuinely am and unacceptable to me. My face has settled into a scowl-sometimes it's hard to relax the muscles in my furrowed brow, even with focused effort. I realize there are ways I've been changed permanently by the abuse of the narcissist, like having lost my ability to ever feel truly safe or trust enough to be vulnerable. But I hope, with all that I am, that I will never be as unkind and sharp tongued as I've been lately!
Your honesty will be your best ingredient as you figure this out. I'm including a link about the narcissist's confusion about love because it ends with a discussion about what healthy love is. Best wishes to you. ruclips.net/video/cH7FbGA7d30/видео.html
I’m right there with you sis. I have a kid with one and she needs me to be at home with her at present. He has physically and emotionally cheated on me and when I share my feelings it doesn’t go well. He’s made me feel so horrible about myself in more ways than one. He’s always calling me a loser in not so many words and he doesn’t want me physically because I’ve gained weight after the baby.
This morning, i finally recognized a really clear example of the narcissist making everything your fault when it's not your fault. Perhaps, it would best be said that I'm starting to recognize that it's not my fault. Of course, I always hear the blame. WE always hear the blame. What we fail to recognize is that it really is not our fault. (Though, of course, SOMETIMES it is.)
We survived gang stalking with one head narc … he laid down from the beginning that we couldn’t “defend” ourselves for our family. Meaning he told my husband from the get go he couldn’t defend me- then I couldn’t defend my son. So if you spoke your “side” even in a very meek fashion we were “defending” him. I already had my home secretly sold just waiting for it to fund and get out. No sign in yard no listing I just did that we buy ugly houses thing and kept it completely silent. But I wanted to say “you better believe I will defend my son up to the very gates of hell if necessary “. But I just stayed silent noting the EVIL strategy of not allowing my family to defend each other. UHaul was the only and best defense. These ppl cannot be lived around or with. Not in gang stalking.
yes!
many regrets for arguing back.
This is the number one reason to get out. Over time, no normal human being can be subjected to taunting and mocking you because you have normal emotional responses to being treated like crap, interrupted and insulted consistently and unable to get any mindspace for years and years. Before you get to the point where your whole personality begins to justify this new yelling/upset/crying/nervous person you become, it is much much better to just get out. The taunting makes you disappear and hate yourself. Meanwhile, their behavior continues to escalate and they put all the blame on you, which you carry, while they sleep like babies as we go into the darkest mental health imaginable. Not worth it. Absolutely zero good comes from staying with a narcissist. They will ruin your life beyond repair until the best you can do is get out alive and piece together whatever years and dignity you have left. Get out.
Thank you so much for posting this topic. I have carried guilt for years for reacting to the narc abuse I was experiencing. Glad to know it's part of it and that I can forgive myself.
I have, too.
I once experienced a narcissist mocking me for talking about taking Vitamins .The Narc did not take vitamins.
The interesting part of this is that I spent my life as an unwitting slave to my brothers behavior and never defended myself; always walking on eggshells afraid to upset him. Yes what a wonderful relationship. So I finally lost it a year ago. The thing is I didn't feel shame. I regretted having to do so in the first place. I spent 2 minutes ruminating on whether I wanted to strike back and I decided that I needed to. It was a self defense thing. He admitted to my wife that he was being overbearing but since then all silent treatment and no apologies whatsoever. I can't say im all that upset about it.
No apologies for bad behavior or wrongdoing, that's the hallmark of a narcissist! They feel they are perfect, and never do anything wrong. It is always the other person's fault. It's pretty bad when you have to defend yourself (even physically) from a family member!
My husband has the same relationship with his brothers. They treat him like they have the right to. They went around him to get to me, so that they didn't have to admit fault or apoligize to him, directly. Weird. I said, "Nope. Not mine to fix." He misses the idea of brotherhood, and I can't blame him, but he doesn't miss the treatment. Best of luck to you. Keep strong
I hear you. I 'lost it' via text with someone 9 and a half years ago (a narcissistic in-law) and its been total silent treatment since that time!
@@gawaniponygirl1312 omg, my dad too! It just got worse as the years went by. He had his 2nd wife and my sisters on his side and they all treated me as if I was some sort of evil witch. I only went to see him out of duty and then when he was very ill. Even the wife's mother turned her nose up at me. I never once tried to defend myself or talk back to my dad. He did help me a couple times over years, im grateful for that. He was a ww2 vet, really withdrawn yet grandiose.
I understand. It's like they have it coming and it's hard to hold back all the time.
Feelings are everything, and I am numb now.
Yes, reacting really came back on me years ago because then I felt guilt and shame for my reaction. I learned to go to Jesus and ask for forgiveness for my part....and then to stay away. At first it was further away; eventually it was -away. There's life outside of that person.
I’ve been called, worthless, useless, and a do-nothing! They always remind you of your lack of self worth and that you are always the problem. It’s always your fault. They are cruel, blaming, angry and are empty inside.
It wasn’t til after she moved out after 2+ years that I found Team Healthy on RUclips I realized the roomie I had was a covert narc. No wonder I was upset all the time for no apparent reasons, triggered by intentional tactics. Now No Contact except in my mind 😵💫
When I smashed something yelling “That’s what my heart looks like every time you swear at me!” I hated myself for weeks for being so reactive, so weak. He just condescended and doubled down. Years later in the middle of dealing with his smear campaign all that shame came back on me even though it had been over a decade since that incident.
When they start on you say ( that is your opinion) mine was livid 😅
oh boy the taunting is off the charts. Lots and lots of antagonistic behavior, revenge punishment, etc. It's overwhelming at times.
Regret and shame are married.
That's why narcissists run from it. People only run and hide when they know what they're doing is wrong, and they don't want to face their shame.
Not even sure about knowing it’s wrong but more likely something they know will get them called out & exposed, so shame is just their equivalent of worthless
They are so entitled that they think they are entitled to their disgusting behaviour!
Thank you for your faith in people who reflect upon, and actually do expect something from themselves. Shame can be deadly for some very valuable people.
You're quite welcome.
YES!
Number 7 on ignoring the taunting is so spot on and so difficult Dr. C. Could you explore any tricks you may have learned to avoid this without 'gray rocking' which I find difficult? That might be a good topic sometime if there is something you can share. Thanks again.
Play dumb, pretend you’re sick, make up a work deadline… anything to avoid conversation
He says, Go look in the mirror. When we had pastoral counsel together. BTW no more... First sentence out of mouth to pastor was him telling pastor i was a narcissist. I reacted. The pastor said yes, you are, Angel, because you say I alot.
This was honor to share. Bless you all!!! BtW. I go to mirror and tell myself that I am loved. I am worthy. I am enough.
I'm pulling for you!
Angellollar10, unfortunately after multiple rounds of couples “counseling” and being the one labeled, blamed, called the villain, I’ve learned that couples counseling isn’t wise when married to a narcissist.
I’m so sorry that you’ve endured this shame & blame game. I’m sorry your husband’s manipulative charm has snake danced your pastor into believing him instead of you-the true victim!
My heart aches for you since I’m in the same boat as you after almost 36 years of “marriage” where he hasn’t taken the Holy Covenant seriously at all!
I pray, if able, you find your own counseling (unfortunately not with your pastor since he’s now been blinded by your husband).
Many prayers. 🙏💔🙏💔
My take away from watching your video's is to drop the shock. You say it briefly in several videos and it has helped me not to be so surprised when a narc tries to set your pace. Dr. C means that I treat myself with dignity, respect and civility in how I interact with everyone in my life, not just a narcissist. Good luck to everyone, the struggle is real and these video's have helped me learn a lot about myself. Thanks Dr. C.
The shock is what keeps me in the pattern, i stay so long in the "i cant believe they aren't..." or trying to understand why they aren't collaborating, caring, etc.
We live in an openly narcissistic culture that promotes abuse in many ways so no surprises here 🤷♀️
So true. Honestly, not much shocks me anymore, after accepting the chronic, unhealthy behaviors of narcs and their inability to realize how wrong they are.
Disinterest is the only thing a narc deserves.
Yes, the struggle is real.
Regret is a message from your self that you have something to change to avoid feeling that way in the future-that you didnt behave how you wish to. Taking action on this thus can lead to growth. It doesnt mean what you did wasnt understandable under the circumstances, esp when facing incessant abusive treatment. It tells you how you acted conflicts with your own values. Which can indicate the need for support to allow you to strengthen yourself in the face of such trauma-perhaps including getting away from it so you can work on whatever caused regret-like overreacting, or reacting appropriately but with too much emotion, or just not being able to control your behavior or emotions when facing abuse OR situations reminding you of past abuse. I say u, but i include me cuz ive been there & have made progress but do still have regretful reactions sometimes. For my sake & that of other people, i apologize when appropriate (later) & continue working on being more in line with my kind, respectful, considerate values….
Regret, in my opinion, is a GOOD thing to feel. It represents responsibility for one’s own actions and the motivation to be a better and wiser version of yourself.
I have ALWAYS disliked the phrase, “no regrets.” And the people I know who say this phrase all of the time end up being users and abusers. Once they drain you, they move onto their next target to repeat the toxic behavior with no will to change.
We think alike.
Exactly. In his fake apology phase he admitted he argues just to argue. He takes the other side of things even if he doesn't believe what he's saying. His words. He tries to be difficult. But then in arguments he forgets he mentioned all that. I'm crazy and unhinged for having any reaction to his lies and false accusations. His blatant twisting of reality. I'm the problem in his eyes.
I am going to be saving this in my playlist. It is a great help.💛
Awesome! Thank you!
I’m managing my angry reactions better but no longer worry that every now & then I lose my cool when confronted in public with terrible behavior… I now call it righteous indignation & it’s jet fuel for getting me right out of toxic situations
I made the mistake of sharing therapy sessions with my ex years ago. She ended up using that information to push my trauma triggers whenever she felt like it and it set me up for a decade of reaction abuse from her. Her favorite phrase to throw in my face "I'm afraid of you when you're angry." As if she had nothing to do with it....
Yeah I did some bad stuff, turned into half a narc myself I think. I never felt like I could leave and I didnt have the self confidence to go with the guy i knew was right for me deep down (i thought he was too good for me) and I convinced the narc to have an open relationship (something I wouldn't ever really want) and i just did things i wouldnt do ordinarily.. i regret those things because it hurt the one who actually cared about me and lent more to the narcs secret talk of me being awful to him or something.. I supported him through so much.. I feel bad constantly.. i didn't realise that was the shame, i know how guilt feels, its very acute but this is a stomach tension that doesn't go away and isnt physical. Thank you for the video!
Yes to being secretive to protect myself from attack and criticism.
Thank you and God bless you Dr carter and any of us who've had to deal with such jealous sick cowards 🙏
the judging and the condemnation and the narcissistic pathological lying and defaming your character,i can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
I needed your wisdom at least 45 years ago..... but...... Better late , than never. Thank you!
You are so welcome
You definitely are changing lives with these videos, Dr. Carter. Thank you😌
So pleased, Heather.
"No regrets" has always gotten my goat also. My first thought is how did they live a life of never feeling bad about anything they've ever done? Well, like Frank Sinatra once said, regrets I've got a few. It has also been my goal to not become the thing I hate, though after having dealings with narcissists that endeavor can be a difficult one. Thanks Dr C for your encouragement!
I agree they have no regret once discarded. My ex had the nerve to say to me I’m sorry this is hard for you. Not I’m sorry for how she treated me just that she was sorry I was devastated.
Not the worst, the best. Being able to see clearly in a swarm of manipulative postures and being able to shake off drowning, cannot but be the best.
I've been pushing back every time my sister has tried her maneuvers, mostly using her own words and tactics. She told me recently that she thinks Ive been engaging in psychological warfare and as much as I hate to admit it, she's right, I am. I feel that by not calling her out on every transgression, she takes as permission and becomes emboldened to do more.
Unfortunately, it is apparently the only tool in my toolbox. Much like the old saying 'when your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.' It was the only way I could come up with to set boundaries, but I hate who I let her make me become.
Dr. Carter, through his videos, has given me perspective and tools to deal with the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. He's giving us tools, better tools than fighting fire with fire, which is exhausting. Thank you, Dr. C.
I feel like due to not calling them out on every transgression and letting them pile up until I couldnt take it anymore, made me look and act like the unstable one. How to navigate pointing things out in a calm way is difficult, especially if they are already antagonistic. Had to go no contact for my own sanity, and the picture became clear.
@@Jess-kn8vl I will go no contact as soon as I can, unfortunately she is the executrix of my parents estate. She was playing the long game, had her plan in place so that when they passed on, she'd be there, ready and waiting. The only reason I think my brother and I are in the will is because I insisted all of us be at the law office when the will was drawn up and signed. I was our Mom's live in caretaker but my sister made the appointment for the will and was going to take Mom in without my brother and I even knowing about it.
This whole ordeal has been like a street brawl but if no one speaks up, she'll steamroll you. I should've been forewarned when she told me all the stuff she did when her mother in law died and her husband was named executor. She prevented her sister in law from getting what she should've been entitled to, just out of spite. She directed her husband's actions: the sister in law was the caretaker and my sister and her husband lived in another state. She gamed that situation and is now gaming this one. I knew she was selfish and self centered but I truly did not understand that she was a narcissist and to be honest I didn't understand narcissisism. It has been a steep learning curve.
Regret: rejection can be a blessing.
I feel terrible for my lost of controls, the screaming, the hitting the wall with my head, the self mutilation, the fact that I wanted to attempt suicide. All because I was realizing how much I had been lied to. It is sad that I left myself be destroyed in this manner. That was not me, I knew how to handle my stress. But I had so much trust in her, it threw me off my rails. But it pains me to think how low I let myself be. It angers me that I let that happen for nothing else than love that I had for my abuser.
This quote demonstrates one of the reasons Dr. C is credible: "I would listen to people."
I was watching someone the other day who said that venting anger i.e. ranting etc doesn't release the anger or get rid of it it just keeps you in it longer, so you get more stressed more angry and you ruminate more and then it becomes a cycle. I think this is true don't know if other people agree?
If your “go-to” reaction/response is venting/ranting, you reinforce that, every time you choose to go that route. It is a choice. But by repeated thoughtless action, it becomes your nature. Any repeated task becomes completed swifter if repeated the same way. And harder to unlearn.
I'm not a fan of teaching people to unload. I get that they are trying to help others own their feelings, but along the way, healthy life skills need to be considered too. There is an old proverb, Don't exchange insult for insult or evil for evil. I prefer honesty about one's emotions while also taking the high road.
I regret it 100%. Distance & no contact. Period.
I realized that I am going through the stages of grief. Once I finally realized what was going on-- that I am dealing with a CN and that it's all been lies to keep me at bay.
Firstly. GUS is the most handsome, lovely dog and helps to boost my day !!!!
On the point of your subject. I have been a person I didn’t want to be in the relationship with Narc…. I thank God that I escaped it and am able to be my authentic person.
They make you show your teeth ! ☺️
Les, your videos changed my life. Thank you!!
You are so welcome!
I had this kind of scenario recently with a toxic friend. Yeah, I had that moment when I went over the top with my emotion and regret came in.
But on the flip side, I took that as a learning exposing how toxic he really was, taking the lessons from it and I did cut him off my life.
Blocked him off contact, I am now with my inner peace.
Thank you for this insight. Appreciate this content.
Good for you. I think everyone here has been there. You can't be perfect all the time. these people are masters at triggering their targets.
4:43 spot on.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I became an angry, frustrated and a fed up person whose trust was smashed. I didn't like the person i had become because it wasn't me. I was emotionally guarded - "shields up" almost constantly. My regret was for not understanding boundaries better and not standing up for myself much sooner. Confusion and fear ruled me - definitely never wanting this kind of relationship again.
This articulation of reactive abuse is so clarifying, thank you!
I don’t practice chaos unlike the narc that imposed it. My allergic reaction experienced thru regret at stooping to their level is learning where my defenses need strengthening.
Dr Carter, reading Dr Simon’s book began my healing journey of accountability. Later on my journey, your channel came into action. And the rest is history. So I was super happy when you chose to interview Dr Simon for one of your episodes. Perfect match for people wanting to break free from narcissistic abuse.
As I read Dr Simon’s book, every now and then I would think to myself about myself… “Eeps, I do that… TO MYSELF.” The shaming, the arguing, the finger pointing… I had begun to do it to my own self. If the narcissist denied something, I shamed myself for thinking the narcissist did it when “maybe I was wrong about thinking that of the narcissist.” If the narcissist “forgot” something (which I now know was just a lie,) I would mentally and emotionally argue with my own self about how I might have remembered it incorrectly.
I had become a narcissist (joined by the actual narcissists in my life) who was ganging up on myself.
It wasn’t something I willingly did. It oddly happened in progression from the day I was born, influenced by narcissistic parents who they themselves most likely were dealing with the same. The difference was they find it perfectly acceptable to be the way they are toward others because it keeps them from being that way to themselves. I refused to be that way to others… which made being that way toward myself even worse. I honestly thought I was going insane.
I knew something had to stop. Eventually you helped me to realize THEY would never stop. So I had to. I had to stop abusing ME. And I had to get away from them because they need someone to abuse since they have conditioned themselves to not be the ones they abuse.
It’s a crazy cycle I am so glad to no longer be a part of.
Edited for typos
Kelly, I so love how you are figuring this out. Your honesty is refreshing. Also, I'm honored to be on the journey with you. Keep leaning forward!!
What's the book title, please?
@@eh3477 In Sheep’s Clothing by Dr George Simon and also Dr Carter’s book, When Pleasing You is Killing Me 💜
Edited for typos
@@eh3477George Simon, Jr.,Ph.D in Sheep's Clothing i think he refers to.
@@SurvivingNarcissismgreat 😢
My narcissistic folks in my life have inspired out all while post-hypocritically admitted that cursing "inspires the worst out of people." Honestly, no, not to me. It is their toxicity that will inspire worst of everyone else. I need to remember these steps you mentioned in the video to better survive my toxic environment I am still trapped in.
Doctor Carter 🥰 , this is a fantastic video , these narcissists are Monsters
On 1-1-23 I lost all semblance of who & what I am after finding so much on his social media account. I see my emotion that day as a final survival of betrayal. Removing someone who would deceive me after 24 yrs of his relapse/recovery was done by a power greater than myself.
My healing began that day. Shame??? Only that I did not do it sooner. When someone pushes one to such depths there can be nothing more gratifying than climbing to higher ground. TY Dr C
My daily listening practice
So pleased to be on the path with you...I wish you the best.
@samdracaezza7234.Hello dear, I saw your pretty face so unique I can't skip your profile without sending you a message...... I will be glad to hear from you soon!
@@MarkCook-en4iyDude, this isn’t Tinder. I take exception at you saying how unique someone looks to 24 different women. I’ve reported you.
Feeling in their debt, and feeling the harshness of their accusation that you did this or you did that, is definately not a life sentence to have to carry. I like to disconnect from the narcissist completely and find my own footing again. Dont care about what they might think of you if you choose no contact for a while, to reset yourself and find your peace!
Thank you dr. C, for this video. My narcissist brings out the very worst of my nature. I have plenty of regrets about it. I would to not react. After going through all kinds of verbal abuse, psychological abuse, harassment, sexual abuse, lies, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting. I have snapped a few times. My temper would just flare up and I would completely lose it. He knows he has a way to get under your skin to piss you off. To top it off he completely loves playing the victim card too. It’s all so gross and ridiculous. I’m at the point, after over three years and five months of this shit where I completely hate him. I’m not sure if that’s normal? I realize everyone has a breaking point though.
In an odd way, responding abnormally to an abnormal situation is normal. We have a natural interdependent bent, but when we are entwined with a very unhealthy person, that spells trouble. You have two tasks ahead of you...Remove yourself as much as you can from the unhealthy influences, and recalibrate by going back to your basics and defining who you are and how that impacts your daily behaviors. Best wishes to you.