It doesn’t have to be a romantic couple. It’s the evil that causes the betrayal. Someone does something that you would never dream of doing to another human being. It’s the complete disregard for you as a human and the lack of ethics that punches you in the gut. The person is a narcissist or a sociopath who just doesn’t care.
This is what I’m experiencing right now. 14 years of friendship to be scapegoated and discarded when I picked a venue for my wedding that she thought looked expensive as opposed to the venue she suggested. She of course had nothing to do with paying for the wedding. She also didn’t think I should wear a veil. I think that’s because she didn’t wear a veil for her wedding. I thought my friend would have been happy for me as opposed to jealous of me.
I wish these videos spoke to those of us who have experienced betrayal trauma, but for whom the partner refused to acknowledge the pain it caused nor how it damaged the relationship. I feel like this is a particular kind of betrayal is especially hard because the offending party doesn't appear to have any remorse.
Not only no remorse, but they have the nerve (delusion) to blame you for everything and then go around and tell everyone their lies so that you end up isolated from your community. Kudos also to those who believe only one side of the story. Good job, everyone. You move on anyway. You trust God. You find a new community. New relationships. New life.
Yes it's the worst kind. I watched another video about it, it wasn't specifically about it but it mentioned it in the video and it was just you have to take it one hour at a time. Get support you need, feel your emotions. Everything you would normally do when getting over painful traumatic experiences. You cant force anyone to admit anything you have to trust yourself. One hour at a time. I don't know how long it takes I'm only two months in. Who knows. It's a friggin nightmare
Betrayal is so painful that makes you regret every good moment that you had. As if you have pay with pain for every good moment you have had in your long years of relationship. Thus, I feel like this much less like this, wanting to keep single for sanity.
Married in 96, divorced in 21, you were so helpful during that process! Still fighting the trauma every day. I am better in some ways but in others I am not even close. Luckily I have a supportive spouse now that shows me normal everyday. He's my rock when the anxiety and trauma rear up. I've been examining my childhood and looking at how my family enabled my ex during the marriage, and coming to some hard realizations. Betrayal came from everywhere.
I trust no one fully after dating my narcissistic and pathological ex who gaslight me and manipulated me. After opening up my heart to somebody that person then cheated on me. I have a lot of betrayal trauma to work on.
This video gives me hope. Shared by a friend. I cried as I listened to the things that I heard. I have been struggling for a very long time now. And I have just found the therapist for me. But I still feel so much pain for a marriage that I thought was "normal" and is not only gone. But the good memories we had. Are tainted by the pain of knowing that it was all a lie, and the genuine, unconditional love, was only one sided. At the same time of discovery, so many puzzling questions were answered for me. Although excruciatingly painful to realize. I finally had a sense of clarity for so many things that I had been wondering if I were doing something wrong. I wasn't. He was. He is not remorseful, and refuses to be accountable. I have been working my recovery for 18 months. He hasn't even started. Thank you for putting this video out there. I needed to hear all of this. I hadn't thought about how long it will take to recover. But I have hope that one day I will be happy and feel safe in a relationship again. Whether it be my marriage. Or with someone else.
I just found your infidelity videos and I have really appreciate them. My husband of 22 yrs. told me he was sleeping with other people. I was devastated. I didn't eat or sleep much. I cried every night. After about and year I finally got the courage to tell family what had happened and they helped me and the kids to move out. It's been another year and I'm doing much better. I work on forgiveness daily and I chose Joy.
My partnership/marriage ended after 10 years because of drug addiction. He didn't cheat on me - but our safe, wonderful, happy marriage decayed quickly into lies, gaslighting, nearly fatal consequences (multiple times), and confusing behavior. I have forgiven him, but the relationship came to a terrible, painful end. It wasn't a lack of love, but I couldn't endure anymore that my safe and loving relationship had become abusive. Now that the pandemic is starting to lift, I find myself going outside more frequently and I know many triggers await. But the biggest thing is - it's been nearly 3 years since we started the divorce process and I feel a general hostility towards men. I feel I may never again want another relationship - because no man is going to stack up to the partner I had before his addiction, and no man is going to be trustworthy. It makes me feel incredibly sad, and part of me is resigned to never being able to open up again.
Oh Tana I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you have experienced. Even though it wasn't an affair, what you have described is definitely a betrayal and a trauma. Give yourself time, allows this to be a journey, and get the support you need to heal. You can also check out our video How to Deal with Triggers from Trauma ruclips.net/video/6kdrJRIuGXY/видео.html Take the time to mourn the past, but when you are ready, turn your face to the sunshine and look for the joy in the future.
It’s been a year and I’m convinced I won’t let go and that I shouldn’t. I find the vigilance and clarity it brings with regard to human nature is invaluable. I don’t want to be naive about it and I’m fine with my bitter outlook although my partner may not be. Ignorance is bliss but knowledge of human nature brings profound power and clarity.
Thank you for being my life Guru!!! I'm still trying to get through a betrayal(not a romance one), but you are totally right about atonement! Your forgiveness will mean nothing to another person if they don't think what they did was wrong. Honestly I still remember laughing when she asked me to apologize, because I was angry at her after she lied xD I don't hold a grudge anymore, but at the same time, I rather be outside of the house everytime she visits xD
Uhmmm its been 9 years since i finally broke down from all the cheating in all of my relationships...i want to be able to love without being afraid of being cheated again...I've been working on my self but i kinda don't think i can love without being afraid... Which is sad amd terrible because love, being loved and loving someone should never be like that..
I understand... There will always be some fear of betrayal until you have the opportunity to build trust in a loving and healthy relationship. Some healing we do on our own, some healing doesn't take place until we find those we can learn to trust and depend on.
This version of the video is so much better!!! I was able to follow your information & take a breather with the box treatment. Good job with these videos!!
Now I am confused. Thinking I had betrayal trauma but it wasn't a break up situation. When I was 16 I was riding on my ten speed bycycle flat out on an open highway. Something got caught in the front spoke. My jaw hit first on the highway smashing it to pieces (I feel that is what saved my life). Mother took me to the hospital. I thought the hospital released me without treatment and didn't know any different until I was in my early 60's when five people signed to fire me from a job I had been working at 24 years. Come to find out the accident gave me a tramatic brain injury. I was having petty maul seizures. Remembering back to the weeks after the accident my head was hurting. I got up to go do something (it hurt so bad). When I stood up, I blacked out, fell to the floor but was determined to get help. I crawled then rested, crawled until I reached the living room doorway, pulled myself up by holding onto the wall. Turn the corner, Mother was sitting in the living room. I told her my head was hurting really bad. She rolled her eyes and said "YOUR head ALWAYS hurts. Then she turned away from me. After I was diagmosed with the brain injury I ask Mother about why the hospital released me with an obviously broken jaw. She said she was the one that refused treatment because we didn't have enough money.
Can you have betrayal trauma without having infidelity? Like if your partner repeatedly makes huge life changing decisions suddenly and without consulting you and you are left just dealing with the fallout. Can that result in betrayal trauma?
In it's simplest form, trauma is when you so thought your life was safe, something happened and then it was no longer safe. So making huge life decisions without you, that lead to feelings of instability and lack of trust can absolutely be a betrayal and traumatic.
Thank you, Jonathan, Alicia and team, for creating these videos and for sharing your own experiences, too! I've been a fan of Cinema Therapy for what seems like a very long time now (I'm another huge fan of Firefly and Serenity!), so I greatly appreciate the insights you and Alan provide, and more recently I've been soaking in Mended Light videos. My partner has CPTSD from childhood abuse and neglect; betrayal trauma from his first wife cheating on him with his best friend, among others; betrayal trauma (non-romantic) from an experience in the Marines: memories he'd suppressed for many years. Another "hero to zero" situation with the local chapter of the Marine Corps League, which he joined a couple of years after he and I established a relationship, left him feeling betrayed again, and opened the floodgate of memories of former betrayals and abuse. Currently, he's feeling like almost his whole family has turned against him (including his second ex-wife, whom he'd supported through her realization that she was a lesbian, their divorce, her marriage to a new wife, and a move of the whole family to CA to be close to her new wife's job), except his youngest child, who is now 16. His mom has for many years acted as something of a gatekeeper between him and his extended family, and he is starting to suspect she's been spreading lies and rumors. It seems like with every new group he becomes a part of, he ends up rejected again and again. I want to be a good support for him. However, he and I have plenty of verbal conflicts, and while this might be a simple matter of different personality types/ motivators/ ways of relating to the world, I worry that I might be triggering him more than I'm helping, at times. It's helpful having reminders of methods the Gottmans use. The box breathing might be good for both of us to use in heated/triggering situations. I'll be going through other Mended Light videos, too, to see what else we can practice. Thank you, again!
35 years together, 32 years married. She left on the day of our anniversary. Her affair was 28 years!!! A few of her friends knew, mainly disconnected, never married or divorced. They reinforced her behaviour. Worst of all was my sister. She thought it best that I didn't know. Her mother, our daughter, dropped her. That was 16 years ago! Although medicated for PTSD I still grieve daily. CBT didn't hit the root.
What if the person who betrayed you, essentially ghosts you? No apology, no taking responsibility for their actions, and yet…family and friends often push me to “just forgive her, she was abused as a child, she didn’t grow up with what you had” and also still try to include her in family events from time to time. It’s like they care more about her well being than mine, like my feelings are secondary just because I am a more psychologically stable person by a mile. Turns out she’s a mess, and now I’ve been dragged into it and at first I was sick and hurt. And now I’m also angry. Background: My sister-in-law whom I was very close with, or so I thought, cheated on my brother with a guy I was encouraged to date. Even by her. All while she was sleeping with him. I wasn’t very attached to said guy, but she didn’t know that, and she lied to me. Other people in my life who knew about, didn’t tell me either. She and they Risked me getting very hurt just for her own desire to do what she wanted. In the end, I got hurt anyway. But From the pain she caused me, not some random dude who wasn’t worth it to begin with. I even tried to work things out with her after the fact, I deliberately started with listening to her side, offering her help if she was in a bad situation, despite me feeling like I was bleeding out the entire time, but to no avail. She would agree to see me, but continued to lie and not take responsibility. I always reached out to her, never the reverse. If I had done nothing at all, no attempts at resolution would have been made. I ceased trying to resolve it long ago, and as such, she has disappeared, But it still plagues me because I can’t seem to get much in the way of validation from friends and family - at least, the ones who know about it. And she randomly appears in my family members lives and it makes me so angry. Over the course of a couple years during and following the incident, I learned later she slept with another guy I was seeing. Then there was a third of her boy toys (she self medicates with men/sex) that when she dropped him and refused to talk to him, I got to be the one to talk him out of suicide. Even though I barely knew him. Fun times.
Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You can forgive the people who hurt you, let go of the grudge is your decision, and it'd be good for you to heal. But, you were hurt and have every right to set boundaries and say you don't want that person in your life. This person seems to be gaslighting you and seems to me like is emotionally inmature. Maybe you can start saying to your family that you don't wish that person any harm (forgiveness), but that they make you feel uncomfortable and you'd prefer to know if they'll be attending family reunions, because if that's so, then you'd prefer to go visit them in another time. You have the right to choose with whom you share your life and trust is most certainly earned.
She's a narcissist and a sex addict. You can't actually communicate with either because whatever "human" is in that body is completely unconscious. They are possessed by the addiction and the personality disorder. You have to be completely no contact for your own safety and sanity. (look up grey rock method). As for those who continue to interact with her. Idk, they may have to learn the hard way. I have cut off family that I was very close to because they continued to maintain relationships with my abuser.
I am 100% sure I do not want a relationship with him, we were together for 8 years, but I'm done. However, I do want to know if I'll ever be able to trust again. He knew, going into this relationship, I had major trust issues. And he made them worse by cheating and lying to my face about it. He told me I was being insecure, crazy, paranoid. And when I found the photos of them, naked in a hotel room, he got mad and got violent. And even to this day will never be open or transparent about it. I still feel a lot of anger towards him. I just want to know why, I want to know the truth about it all, but I know I'll never get that. So, what do I do now?
I noticed whenever I see anything that reminds me of my ex I get angry, I feel like I forgave him and myself for both of us messing up. But I realized the unexpressed anger was actually unexpressed sadness. I’m getting back into therapy lol
Ive been dealing with betrayal trauma for almost a decade. I havent really sought help for it because I am afraid of the wounds it will reopen. I have had therapy for 4 years then moved to a different country and havent been keeping up with it. My triggers are many things and I have kept to myself because of it. My parents are there for me but siblings arent. I would love to get to the point where I can talk about it without crying or completely shutting down. I dont talk about it but I do think about it all the time. Lost connections and memories that I was forced to shut down have left me being a shell of a person of what I once was. I need help but do not have the income to have it.
I've been devastated for about 8 months now. My close friends of years that I considered my family chose to betray me with a girl that I introduced her to(I no longer have the courage to be associated with her as my girlfriend). I am in deep pain, what hurts more is that this girl is talking to them and now I've lost those friends. I'm feeling so angry, I've tried talking to someone but I can't get the picture off my head. The girl has never taken accountability, all she does is blame me for being angry. I'm hoping that I'll be in a position to move on from this dark time and get to be happy once again. Anyone who has gone through the journey of betrayal and healed, or is healing, I'll really appreciate your input on how I can get there.
For me, the answer was, and still is…Jesus. What I’ve learned in my walk with God is that when God heals your heart, He doesn’t leave a scar. He gives you a brand new heart.
Could you make a video about healing from parental betrayal? Whether it be from this same context of “my mom/dad was unfaithful to my dad/mom”, or from the more general context of “I realized later in life that my parents made a lot of mistakes that now looking back, feel like a betrayal.” Actually that would probably be better as 2 videos… could you make both?
I was betrayed by a friend of 10 years that was allowed to live under my roof because my home was close to a hospital so he easily could go and get treated for his leukemia. Well, it wasen’t leukemia, he had HIV and lied about that for all this years making up stories along the way how bad the leukemia made him feel just to get sympathy. And also convinced another friend of mine that I was so evil for throwing him out, so I was betrayed by two friends at the same time. I don’t trust anyone anymore at this point.
I think you focus on repairing infidelity trauma between couples but I wish you would make a video for people who decide to not mend the relationship and decide to walk away and how that is more than okay. For some there is no reason to repair and you need to learn how to make a new life.
23 years. My wife has been unfaithful 4 times that I'm aware of. Only twice was there substantial evidence and just this most recent time she really crossed the line as I caught her with a 21 year old whom my 20 year old son went to school with. She and I are in our 40s... The previous time to this was almost a year to the date. Even after having an STD twice she convinced me no man has ever touched her I'm the only one and she had NEVER had sex with anyone since we'd been together. She claims she was sexually assaulted as a child, but with the extent of the lies and stories I find that hard to believe.
My betrayal trauma involved people I thought were good being unmasked as abusers. And the enablers turning on me to protect the abuser. People do expect you to magically heal and get over it, but you don't.
Is it possible to forgive someone for their betrayal against you, but still feel hurt, sad, angry, or triggered about what happened? It's not a constant feeling, but it still happens frequently enough.
It could mean that you are still processing the pain and hurt you feel and, tho you may want to forgive, you may not be able to 100% yet. I could be wrong but that's how it seems to me as I have been through something similar. I hope you do continue to heal, it will get better.
Well, sometimes the feelings come back, and you've got to forgive them all over again. You can forgive someone more than once for the same thing. It happens. We forgive someone, and the feelings come back, or we think we forgive someone, and the repressed feelings come up. Also, once you've forgiven someone, it's normal to feel sad about it. It's okay to grieve what you lost. I may not be angry anymore, but sometimes I'm sad about the people who have betrayed me and I mourn I won't be able to be with them and feel safe in the way I want to around them, and feel the way I used to. Anger is something you need to work on letting go, though. If you hold onto it, it will be like drinking poison. It will harm you and ruin your mental health. Even if you need to forgive the person more than once, that's okay. It doesn't mean you're flawed, it means you're human. Feel what you feel, then let it go.
That was very illuminating thanks Jonathan. Wondering would it be possible to do a video on how to reconnect families after trauma? Building bridges were mistakes were made or actions not taken?
Im dealing with it more frequently &im getting flashbacks .my therapist tells im wanted remembering thing's and im wantedly getting my flashbacks itseems i dont understand her concept... im feeling very hurt.
I'm afraid she's never going to aplogize. I wish I'd hear those words some day but it's not going to happen. Crazy entitlement. And now I have to work together with the person that treated me so horribly for the remainder of my life or at least the next twenty years because of our kids.
What does it mean to forgive someone? I don’t know how to separate forgiving someone with deciding what they did is ok and no longer hurts me. But that isn’t true so I do not know how to forgive
In regards to the attachment phase, I didn’t hear any mention of the unfaithful partner getting medically cleared for STDs prior to reconnecting with the betrayed spouse. To do anything short of that is risky & irresponsible, like their cheating was.
symptoms? memory gaps are the heviest ones, sadness and lonleyness are the normal ones, and thinking about getting me out of the way is the only one i´m proud i could overcome. But i´m still far from smilling again. How long? I didn´t know when this started, but in Feb'21 I wake up into this nigthmare and realize the place where I am now. Thanks for the explanation. Now I realize that my behabiour is just trigerred with PTSD, so I can understand me better and don´t blame me that hard.
This is unrelated but is it normal to still have problems with a traumatic event that happened 4 years ago. I was in a school shooting and I feel like I stopped growing, like I’m stuck. The next year I went to a new school but they were under construction and the noise sent me in to a panic attack. I thought I was sick. My brother try to kill him self so I didn’t want to be a burden to me parent. But now I feel like I’m 13 and going backwards. If I talk to someone I scared them, so I don’t say anything. Is that normal?
Lillly I am so sorry to hear about the trauma that you experienced. Trauma effects us on a mental, emotional and physical level, so what you are describing is completely normal. Please get the help and support you need. Do not be afraid to talk about it! Keep talking until you find what helps. If you haven't already check out our video, "Can Trauma be stored in the Body" ruclips.net/video/TAsUBEw-YgM/видео.html and "How to Deal with Triggers from Trauma" ruclips.net/video/6kdrJRIuGXY/видео.html
I’m currently seeking these videos out, because I am currently experiencing anxiety/angst because of someone who… well… I don’t even know what to really call it. It is a betrayal, but not infidelity, because this person betrayed a lot of people’s trust and was exposed when they attempted to blackmail someone, threatening to dox them, because of some tension between them and the other (this was in a discord server, and they tried to do this to the owner). The owner kicked/banned them, but latter allowed them back in to tell what happened and apologise, and then (the owner) asked us to not pursue the betrayer and I agree, everyone deserves a chance at redemption. And the offender/betrayed wasn’t done, they continued and ended up causing the owner to go underground because of everything they caused afterwards too. And a lot of us knew this person (the betrayer/offender) from a different server they’ve been in. I even have history with them, which did not end well, but then, in the other/‘new’ one things seemed to be ok, then they were exposed and with everything that has happened with this person it has caused me to have some kind of paranoia when anything bad and/or mysterious/weird happens online that I can’t find any explanation for. They were even banned from the first server for some time, and after that was over they did come back a few times, but left again relatively shortly thereafter, but everytime they join(ed) I immediately got/get tense/on-edge. It’s nerve wrecking. And now they’ve returned and seem to be staying there, which is hard for me because I legitimately do not feel safe around/near them. It feels like… I don’t even know how to properly compare it… I’m almost to scared and/or anxious to be active because of this person, because I know what they’re capable of and all it requires is other people to be active. Because they hoard(ed) information on others to use against them, meaning something like blocking wouldn’t even work, because that just makes it impossible for them to contact me and hides their messages for me, when what I feel I really need is for my messages to be hidden from them… I’m hoping to find some way to cope via these videos, if this person continues to stay on the server, because it’s draining constantly being angsty and not feeling safe around, what I consider a/my safe place… The owner of this server, and a lot of people there do know of what this person has done. I’m tired, terrified, and currently almost shaking… It’s a demon I hope to never face or experience again. It’s not good/healthy for me being constantly tense/stressed. And even though I know and are able to understand/tell myself the rationalities of things to try and calm myself, it doesn’t help…
It happened 20 years ago. I am still triggered by spending time with family who knew about the situation at the time. I feel humiliated all over again. Is that normal . I still am so angry. Is this normal?
Betrayal trauma occurs, even from before earliest memories in life. Alcoholic fathers, mothers who shunt comforting behavior off onto demonstrably coercive dissimulatory religion, abdicating by shaming and calling their children names, for weeping over the abuse, crazed impatient granfathers unwiling to give sufficient attention to 4 year-olds, instead taking off belts a striking them (ah, religion and its self-righteousness!), extended family who withdraw all compassion, as mine did to a cousin raped by a priest - this is common, but i observed my cousin attempt to develop a normal life a decade later. NONE of the three women who established a cohabiting relationship with me, ever atoned or apoloogized for their treatment of a bond so important to our species ( this could be attested to should sufficient research ever be developed. The very fact that we around traumatized by betrayal and its permanent results, indicate that the species norm, when not subject to cognitively destructive drugging, suggests that the norm exists). I never directly sought formal or even physical attachment, nor violated it through cheating or abusive physical or verbal interaction. My fault was in naivete' and inate belief that trust exists at all. As a male, not seking "dates" or aggressively pursuing a female, but only opening up to those who initiated physical relationships, may seem odd. But, should you place yourself mentally in the position i vaguely outlined, you will see that peer trust remains. This is a normal trait, to trust one's peers when they seem sincere, even if older individuals or the culture itself, has social norms of persistent violation. I had been approached due to perception that i was skilled in some profession and discipline. Make no mistake, i did nor do brook violations by other males, but do recognize the signals of sincerity. After three experiences of betrayals, i CAN inform you that trust violation is irreparable. Pretentious celebrations such as religious marriage and vows, make ZERO difference. What the therapist in this video speaks of, is that the salience of violations diminishes with time. We forgive because we learn that sometime previous to your personal bonding, the other had also experienced violation of their trust, and it , th resentment, was misapplied to you. Yes, forgiveness can occur. See the long-tern social healing occurring in Fred Luskin's Stanford Forgiveness Project, with extreme social violations. But repeated trust violations, drugs such as alcohol and any other neuromodulating substance, by the perpetrators, prevents the possibility of real restoration of violated trust. I pursued psychology as a major, even writing and performing observational and controlled experiments on cognition and behavior, followed by study in broader behavioral, neuroscience, and evolutionary disciplines. Not, however , in trust and bonding violation, as the trauma itself was too extreme and pervasive. Facilitating a men's group once, i realized that the slippery evasiveness and self-serving ideation of both male and female humans, precludes strong likelihood of recovery, especially with the same partner. As we age through time, should violations, common in this culture, continue, increasingly affect us. I have not been involved in any relationships requiring trust for some years, and in none that involve sexual relationships for over twenty years. This is not due to any physical problems, as i once,if inadvertently in solo fashion, immensely enjoyed daily affirmative sex with the females with whom i bonded. Recently, working through sex therapy, i discovered that the sudden erectile dysfunction ocurring after the final cheating partner, is entirely emotional/mental. As anecdote, in each relationship in which the female cheated, i actually did violent physical injury to myself, resulting in surgical repair. In each case of betrayal, including one extreme social betrayal, i consciously noted my extreme resentment and choice leading to self-injury within the 1/2 to 2 seconds preceding. I do not suggest considering self-injury in response to any situation. I did not have serious injuries without having been aware of my rage beforehand and self-directing it. I am sure that faithful individuals exist, as i have known many. It may well be that some diasthesis - induced self-injurious choice exists. I do not recommend continuance of any relationship with those who cheat. The periods i experienced withoit a father, for example, were periods of healing from the times he was present. It is probable that you who experienced betrayals do harm, irreparable harm, to the offspring you desire to "save" by continuing self- and offspring- exposure to the violator, who THROUGH THEIR ACTIONS, teach , impress more strongly, than ANYTHING else they do or claim.
I was betrayed by both my parents who abused me in every conceivable way. I literally believed God gave me my husband (I’m on his account) to make up for it. He cheated. 21 years for what? I wish the Earth would open up and swallow me whole. I have constant nightmares and flashbacks. I destroyed a bedroom and most all in it even knocking the house off it’s foundation by ripping into the walls!!!!! My body is all scarred up. I used glass and pins and a knife to slice into my stomach. I just wanna GO AWAY. I can’t do this.
I luckily don't have any trauma. My ex boyfriend left me for no reason from one day to the other. (He said himself he was running away and had no reason). I have not seen any signs or problems. 2 days before that we looked at dogs and what kind we want. I had to learn to trust myself again, because I was afraid that I will never see signs and that I will be left from one day to another again.
Can trauma be experienced with someone other than a spouse, such as with a missionary companion? I spend 6 weeks with someone, while being berated and belittled, and still have triggers even after being home and around family and a healthy support system. Is the healing process similar to what is discussed in this video? How can I forgive this person without accepting their actions?
Yes it absolutely can! First realize that forgiving them does not mean you are condoning their actions, nor does it mean you need to allow them access to you again. When you forgive them, you don't even need to let them know. It's more of a personal decision in your heart to know that they don't have their life all together, they clearly have some rubbish going on, and you forgive them for how they behave. It will SET YOU FREE! It is like drawing a line in the sands of time, and stepping over it, and saying 'that was then, this is now', and not taking them into the future with you emotionally.
What if the betrayal trauma was a result of your siblings betraying you? Not just you, but everyone else in your family. And it leaves you feeling scared out of your mind over whether you'll end up doing something like they did to you and your remaining family members? Asking this from personal experience. First time it happened I was 16. 2nd time I was 24, then a 3rd time 10 months later after the second betrayal.
Why is it that symptoms of betrayal trauma are showing up now after 12 years... I'm in my first stable healthy relationship and now symptoms are showing up... What's that about?
Please read the book “The Body Keeps the Score.” It explains this so incredibly well, and also explains how to heal. And find a therapist who can help you!
So, if you are not reconciling, you just have forgiveness? Just the atonement part, not the attunement and attachment? My husband abandoned me suddenly, blocking me on the phone and social media and also blocking his family. Some investigation revealed that he has been having an affair for 3.5 years at least. I don't even know what to do with this.
Even if you're not reconciling there's aspects of atunement and attachments to learn and apply in your healing process. Have you checked out our "Healing from Infidelity" masterclass? We'll give you practical tips you can apply right now: mendedlight.com/healing-from-infedelity-webinar/
Is there a video that reframes this for other relationships other than romantic partners? What about friends or business partners? Or other family members?
I'm not sure if it was infidelity, I don't know if they slept together all I knew is he was coming home talking about some other girl for a week and the secrecy of their "friendship"
In the book Dante's Inferno the lowest level of hell is for Satan. The next level is for betrayors. So evil because of the devastation they leave upon the betrayed. It absolutely ruins people's lives and their world, changes their God given personalities. We the betrayed are left in a horrible, truly horrific state. Well REJOYCE my fellow betrayed, it looks like WWIII is upon us! Possibly this whole rock blows and are pain is over! YAY!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉 Celebrate Good Times, Come On!!!
Im dealing with it more frequently &im getting flashbacks .my therapist tells im wanted remembering thing's and im wantedly getting my flashbacks itseems i dont understand her concept... im feeling very hurt.
It doesn’t have to be a romantic couple. It’s the evil that causes the betrayal. Someone does something that you would never dream of doing to another human being. It’s the complete disregard for you as a human and the lack of ethics that punches you in the gut. The person is a narcissist or a sociopath who just doesn’t care.
AMEN AMEN PREACH IT!!!!!
I fully agree, you spoke the facts
This is what I’m experiencing right now. 14 years of friendship to be scapegoated and discarded when I picked a venue for my wedding that she thought looked expensive as opposed to the venue she suggested. She of course had nothing to do with paying for the wedding. She also didn’t think I should wear a veil. I think that’s because she didn’t wear a veil for her wedding. I thought my friend would have been happy for me as opposed to jealous of me.
This. The blatant disregard for our feelings is unfathomable. It does something to the soul.
I wish these videos spoke to those of us who have experienced betrayal trauma, but for whom the partner refused to acknowledge the pain it caused nor how it damaged the relationship. I feel like this is a particular kind of betrayal is especially hard because the offending party doesn't appear to have any remorse.
Not only no remorse, but they have the nerve (delusion) to blame you for everything and then go around and tell everyone their lies so that you end up isolated from your community. Kudos also to those who believe only one side of the story. Good job, everyone.
You move on anyway. You trust God. You find a new community. New relationships. New life.
Fxxck them all. Lots of unwanted advice. I’ve been divorced 18 yrs now. Apparently I’m supposed to find someone else.
Gang stalking
Sounds like the area of narcissistic abuse.
Yes it's the worst kind. I watched another video about it, it wasn't specifically about it but it mentioned it in the video and it was just you have to take it one hour at a time. Get support you need, feel your emotions. Everything you would normally do when getting over painful traumatic experiences. You cant force anyone to admit anything you have to trust yourself. One hour at a time. I don't know how long it takes I'm only two months in. Who knows. It's a friggin nightmare
Just stay single..it will be the happiest you ever are!!!! Your confidence, independace and SANITY will thank you!!
Betrayal is so painful that makes you regret every good moment that you had. As if you have pay with pain for every good moment you have had in your long years of relationship. Thus, I feel like this much less like this, wanting to keep single for sanity.
My betrayal trauma came of my family and sister, you can still single yet get betrayed
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Married in 96, divorced in 21, you were so helpful during that process! Still fighting the trauma every day. I am better in some ways but in others I am not even close. Luckily I have a supportive spouse now that shows me normal everyday. He's my rock when the anxiety and trauma rear up. I've been examining my childhood and looking at how my family enabled my ex during the marriage, and coming to some hard realizations. Betrayal came from everywhere.
I trust no one fully after dating my narcissistic and pathological ex who gaslight me and manipulated me. After opening up my heart to somebody that person then cheated on me. I have a lot of betrayal trauma to work on.
This video gives me hope. Shared by a friend. I cried as I listened to the things that I heard. I have been struggling for a very long time now. And I have just found the therapist for me. But I still feel so much pain for a marriage that I thought was "normal" and is not only gone. But the good memories we had. Are tainted by the pain of knowing that it was all a lie, and the genuine, unconditional love, was only one sided. At the same time of discovery, so many puzzling questions were answered for me. Although excruciatingly painful to realize. I finally had a sense of clarity for so many things that I had been wondering if I were doing something wrong. I wasn't. He was.
He is not remorseful, and refuses to be accountable. I have been working my recovery for 18 months. He hasn't even started. Thank you for putting this video out there. I needed to hear all of this. I hadn't thought about how long it will take to recover. But I have hope that one day I will be happy and feel safe in a relationship again. Whether it be my marriage. Or with someone else.
I just found your infidelity videos and I have really appreciate them. My husband of 22 yrs. told me he was sleeping with other people. I was devastated. I didn't eat or sleep much. I cried every night. After about and year I finally got the courage to tell family what had happened and they helped me and the kids to move out. It's been another year and I'm doing much better. I work on forgiveness daily and I chose Joy.
Glad you was about to get through it ❤️🌞
My partnership/marriage ended after 10 years because of drug addiction. He didn't cheat on me - but our safe, wonderful, happy marriage decayed quickly into lies, gaslighting, nearly fatal consequences (multiple times), and confusing behavior.
I have forgiven him, but the relationship came to a terrible, painful end. It wasn't a lack of love, but I couldn't endure anymore that my safe and loving relationship had become abusive.
Now that the pandemic is starting to lift, I find myself going outside more frequently and I know many triggers await.
But the biggest thing is - it's been nearly 3 years since we started the divorce process and I feel a general hostility towards men. I feel I may never again want another relationship - because no man is going to stack up to the partner I had before his addiction, and no man is going to be trustworthy. It makes me feel incredibly sad, and part of me is resigned to never being able to open up again.
Oh Tana I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you have experienced. Even though it wasn't an affair, what you have described is definitely a betrayal and a trauma. Give yourself time, allows this to be a journey, and get the support you need to heal. You can also check out our video How to Deal with Triggers from Trauma ruclips.net/video/6kdrJRIuGXY/видео.html Take the time to mourn the past, but when you are ready, turn your face to the sunshine and look for the joy in the future.
It’s been a year and I’m convinced I won’t let go and that I shouldn’t. I find the vigilance and clarity it brings with regard to human nature is invaluable. I don’t want to be naive about it and I’m fine with my bitter outlook although my partner may not be. Ignorance is bliss but knowledge of human nature brings profound power and clarity.
Thank you for being my life Guru!!! I'm still trying to get through a betrayal(not a romance one), but you are totally right about atonement! Your forgiveness will mean nothing to another person if they don't think what they did was wrong. Honestly I still remember laughing when she asked me to apologize, because I was angry at her after she lied xD I don't hold a grudge anymore, but at the same time, I rather be outside of the house everytime she visits xD
SO grateful I can help! Thank you for being apart of our growing community!
@@MendedLight my pleasure! I love this channel😊
Uhmmm its been 9 years since i finally broke down from all the cheating in all of my relationships...i want to be able to love without being afraid of being cheated again...I've been working on my self but i kinda don't think i can love without being afraid... Which is sad amd terrible because love, being loved and loving someone should never be like that..
I understand... There will always be some fear of betrayal until you have the opportunity to build trust in a loving and healthy relationship. Some healing we do on our own, some healing doesn't take place until we find those we can learn to trust and depend on.
@@MendedLightthe last sentence inspires me
This version of the video is so much better!!! I was able to follow your information & take a breather with the box treatment. Good job with these videos!!
Thank you! I'm glad it was helpful!
Unfortunately we can't change people but you on the other hand..are here, only you can make the choices to help you!
You're amazing man. Very very grateful for your content here.
Glad you enjoy it!
Now I am confused. Thinking I had betrayal trauma but it wasn't a break up situation. When I was 16 I was riding on my ten speed bycycle flat out on an open highway. Something got caught in the front spoke. My jaw hit first on the highway smashing it to pieces (I feel that is what saved my life). Mother took me to the hospital. I thought the hospital released me without treatment and didn't know any different until I was in my early 60's when five people signed to fire me from a job I had been working at 24 years. Come to find out the accident gave me a tramatic brain injury. I was having petty maul seizures. Remembering back to the weeks after the accident my head was hurting. I got up to go do something (it hurt so bad). When I stood up, I blacked out, fell to the floor but was determined
to get help. I crawled then rested, crawled until I reached the living room doorway, pulled myself up by holding onto the wall. Turn the corner, Mother was sitting in the living room. I told her my head was hurting really bad. She rolled her eyes and said "YOUR head ALWAYS hurts. Then she turned away from me. After I was diagmosed with the brain injury I ask Mother about why the hospital released me with an obviously broken jaw. She said she was the one that refused treatment because we didn't have enough money.
Can you have betrayal trauma without having infidelity? Like if your partner repeatedly makes huge life changing decisions suddenly and without consulting you and you are left just dealing with the fallout. Can that result in betrayal trauma?
Sure, why not?
In it's simplest form, trauma is when you so thought your life was safe, something happened and then it was no longer safe. So making huge life decisions without you, that lead to feelings of instability and lack of trust can absolutely be a betrayal and traumatic.
Absolutely. They are a narcissist who isn’t even treating you as a human who deserves a normal interaction.
I am so glad you got rid of the annoying background music (in the older vids)! So much better!
Thank you for your suggestion!
I was searching up more on betrayal trauma..and it's the Cinema Therapy guy....good video here btw!
Thank you, Jonathan, Alicia and team, for creating these videos and for sharing your own experiences, too!
I've been a fan of Cinema Therapy for what seems like a very long time now (I'm another huge fan of Firefly and Serenity!), so I greatly appreciate the insights you and Alan provide, and more recently I've been soaking in Mended Light videos.
My partner has CPTSD from childhood abuse and neglect; betrayal trauma from his first wife cheating on him with his best friend, among others; betrayal trauma (non-romantic) from an experience in the Marines: memories he'd suppressed for many years. Another "hero to zero" situation with the local chapter of the Marine Corps League, which he joined a couple of years after he and I established a relationship, left him feeling betrayed again, and opened the floodgate of memories of former betrayals and abuse. Currently, he's feeling like almost his whole family has turned against him (including his second ex-wife, whom he'd supported through her realization that she was a lesbian, their divorce, her marriage to a new wife, and a move of the whole family to CA to be close to her new wife's job),
except his youngest child, who is now 16. His mom has for many years acted as something of a gatekeeper between him and his extended family, and he is starting to suspect she's been spreading lies and rumors.
It seems like with every new group he becomes a part of, he ends up rejected again and again.
I want to be a good support for him. However, he and I have plenty of verbal conflicts, and while this might be a simple matter of different personality types/ motivators/ ways of relating to the world, I worry that I might be triggering him more than I'm helping, at times.
It's helpful having reminders of methods the Gottmans use. The box breathing might be good for both of us to use in heated/triggering situations. I'll be going through other Mended Light videos, too, to see what else we can practice. Thank you, again!
35 years together, 32 years married. She left on the day of our anniversary. Her affair was 28 years!!! A few of her friends knew, mainly disconnected, never married or divorced. They reinforced her behaviour.
Worst of all was my sister. She thought it best that I didn't know.
Her mother, our daughter, dropped her.
That was 16 years ago!
Although medicated for PTSD I still grieve daily. CBT didn't hit the root.
What if the person who betrayed you, essentially ghosts you? No apology, no taking responsibility for their actions, and yet…family and friends often push me to “just forgive her, she was abused as a child, she didn’t grow up with what you had” and also still try to include her in family events from time to time. It’s like they care more about her well being than mine, like my feelings are secondary just because I am a more psychologically stable person by a mile. Turns out she’s a mess, and now I’ve been dragged into it and at first I was sick and hurt. And now I’m also angry.
Background:
My sister-in-law whom I was very close with, or so I thought, cheated on my brother with a guy I was encouraged to date. Even by her. All while she was sleeping with him. I wasn’t very attached to said guy, but she didn’t know that, and she lied to me. Other people in my life who knew about, didn’t tell me either. She and they Risked me getting very hurt just for her own desire to do what she wanted. In the end, I got hurt anyway. But From the pain she caused me, not some random dude who wasn’t worth it to begin with.
I even tried to work things out with her after the fact, I deliberately started with listening to her side, offering her help if she was in a bad situation, despite me feeling like I was bleeding out the entire time, but to no avail. She would agree to see me, but continued to lie and not take responsibility. I always reached out to her, never the reverse. If I had done nothing at all, no attempts at resolution would have been made. I ceased trying to resolve it long ago, and as such, she has disappeared, But it still plagues me because I can’t seem to get much in the way of validation from friends and family - at least, the ones who know about it. And she randomly appears in my family members lives and it makes me so angry.
Over the course of a couple years during and following the incident, I learned later she slept with another guy I was seeing. Then there was a third of her boy toys (she self medicates with men/sex) that when she dropped him and refused to talk to him, I got to be the one to talk him out of suicide. Even though I barely knew him. Fun times.
Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You can forgive the people who hurt you, let go of the grudge is your decision, and it'd be good for you to heal. But, you were hurt and have every right to set boundaries and say you don't want that person in your life.
This person seems to be gaslighting you and seems to me like is emotionally inmature. Maybe you can start saying to your family that you don't wish that person any harm (forgiveness), but that they make you feel uncomfortable and you'd prefer to know if they'll be attending family reunions, because if that's so, then you'd prefer to go visit them in another time. You have the right to choose with whom you share your life and trust is most certainly earned.
Horrible. Go no contact. Some people never change.
She's a narcissist and a sex addict. You can't actually communicate with either because whatever "human" is in that body is completely unconscious. They are possessed by the addiction and the personality disorder. You have to be completely no contact for your own safety and sanity. (look up grey rock method). As for those who continue to interact with her. Idk, they may have to learn the hard way. I have cut off family that I was very close to because they continued to maintain relationships with my abuser.
I am 100% sure I do not want a relationship with him, we were together for 8 years, but I'm done.
However, I do want to know if I'll ever be able to trust again. He knew, going into this relationship, I had major trust issues. And he made them worse by cheating and lying to my face about it. He told me I was being insecure, crazy, paranoid. And when I found the photos of them, naked in a hotel room, he got mad and got violent. And even to this day will never be open or transparent about it. I still feel a lot of anger towards him. I just want to know why, I want to know the truth about it all, but I know I'll never get that. So, what do I do now?
How are you feeling now, Sofia? I hope things are much better these days. I'm wishing you the best. God bless you.
I noticed whenever I see anything that reminds me of my ex I get angry, I feel like I forgave him and myself for both of us messing up. But I realized the unexpressed anger was actually unexpressed sadness.
I’m getting back into therapy lol
Ive been dealing with betrayal trauma for almost a decade. I havent really sought help for it because I am afraid of the wounds it will reopen. I have had therapy for 4 years then moved to a different country and havent been keeping up with it. My triggers are many things and I have kept to myself because of it. My parents are there for me but siblings arent. I would love to get to the point where I can talk about it without crying or completely shutting down. I dont talk about it but I do think about it all the time. Lost connections and memories that I was forced to shut down have left me being a shell of a person of what I once was. I need help but do not have the income to have it.
I've been devastated for about 8 months now. My close friends of years that I considered my family chose to betray me with a girl that I introduced her to(I no longer have the courage to be associated with her as my girlfriend). I am in deep pain, what hurts more is that this girl is talking to them and now I've lost those friends. I'm feeling so angry, I've tried talking to someone but I can't get the picture off my head. The girl has never taken accountability, all she does is blame me for being angry. I'm hoping that I'll be in a position to move on from this dark time and get to be happy once again. Anyone who has gone through the journey of betrayal and healed, or is healing, I'll really appreciate your input on how I can get there.
For me, the answer was, and still is…Jesus. What I’ve learned in my walk with God is that when God heals your heart, He doesn’t leave a scar. He gives you a brand new heart.
Could you make a video about healing from parental betrayal?
Whether it be from this same context of “my mom/dad was unfaithful to my dad/mom”, or from the more general context of “I realized later in life that my parents made a lot of mistakes that now looking back, feel like a betrayal.”
Actually that would probably be better as 2 videos… could you make both?
I was betrayed by a friend of 10 years that was allowed to live under my roof because my home was close to a hospital so he easily could go and get treated for his leukemia.
Well, it wasen’t leukemia, he had HIV and lied about that for all this years making up stories along the way how bad the leukemia made him feel just to get sympathy. And also convinced another friend of mine that I was so evil for throwing him out, so I was betrayed by two friends at the same time.
I don’t trust anyone anymore at this point.
I think you focus on repairing infidelity trauma between couples but I wish you would make a video for people who decide to not mend the relationship and decide to walk away and how that is more than okay. For some there is no reason to repair and you need to learn how to make a new life.
I’ve been dealing with betrayal trauma for 5 1/2 yrs with no end in sight. I hate my ex and I wish I never met him. He has ruined my life.
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23 years. My wife has been unfaithful 4 times that I'm aware of. Only twice was there substantial evidence and just this most recent time she really crossed the line as I caught her with a 21 year old whom my 20 year old son went to school with. She and I are in our 40s... The previous time to this was almost a year to the date. Even after having an STD twice she convinced me no man has ever touched her I'm the only one and she had NEVER had sex with anyone since we'd been together. She claims she was sexually assaulted as a child, but with the extent of the lies and stories I find that hard to believe.
My betrayal trauma involved people I thought were good being unmasked as abusers. And the enablers turning on me to protect the abuser. People do expect you to magically heal and get over it, but you don't.
Great thumbnail!
Thank you!
Is it possible to forgive someone for their betrayal against you, but still feel hurt, sad, angry, or triggered about what happened? It's not a constant feeling, but it still happens frequently enough.
It could mean that you are still processing the pain and hurt you feel and, tho you may want to forgive, you may not be able to 100% yet. I could be wrong but that's how it seems to me as I have been through something similar. I hope you do continue to heal, it will get better.
Well, sometimes the feelings come back, and you've got to forgive them all over again. You can forgive someone more than once for the same thing. It happens. We forgive someone, and the feelings come back, or we think we forgive someone, and the repressed feelings come up. Also, once you've forgiven someone, it's normal to feel sad about it. It's okay to grieve what you lost. I may not be angry anymore, but sometimes I'm sad about the people who have betrayed me and I mourn I won't be able to be with them and feel safe in the way I want to around them, and feel the way I used to. Anger is something you need to work on letting go, though. If you hold onto it, it will be like drinking poison. It will harm you and ruin your mental health. Even if you need to forgive the person more than once, that's okay. It doesn't mean you're flawed, it means you're human. Feel what you feel, then let it go.
@@shootingstars6762👏👏👏
People shouldn’t have to go through this like 20 + times in a lifetime.
That was very illuminating thanks Jonathan. Wondering would it be possible to do a video on how to reconnect families after trauma? Building bridges were mistakes were made or actions not taken?
Thank you for your suggestion! We will definitely add it to the list of upcoming videos!
Im dealing with it more frequently &im getting flashbacks .my therapist tells im wanted remembering thing's and im wantedly getting my flashbacks itseems i dont understand her concept... im feeling very hurt.
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I'm afraid she's never going to aplogize. I wish I'd hear those words some day but it's not going to happen. Crazy entitlement. And now I have to work together with the person that treated me so horribly for the remainder of my life or at least the next twenty years because of our kids.
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What does it mean to forgive someone? I don’t know how to separate forgiving someone with deciding what they did is ok and no longer hurts me. But that isn’t true so I do not know how to forgive
In regards to the attachment phase, I didn’t hear any mention of the unfaithful partner getting medically cleared for STDs prior to reconnecting with the betrayed spouse. To do anything short of that is risky & irresponsible, like their cheating was.
symptoms? memory gaps are the heviest ones, sadness and lonleyness are the normal ones, and thinking about getting me out of the way is the only one i´m proud i could overcome. But i´m still far from smilling again.
How long? I didn´t know when this started, but in Feb'21 I wake up into this nigthmare and realize the place where I am now.
Thanks for the explanation. Now I realize that my behabiour is just trigerred with PTSD, so I can understand me better and don´t blame me that hard.
This is unrelated but is it normal to still have problems with a traumatic event that happened 4 years ago.
I was in a school shooting and I feel like I stopped growing, like I’m stuck. The next year I went to a new school but they were under construction and the noise sent me in to a panic attack. I thought I was sick. My brother try to kill him self so I didn’t want to be a burden to me parent. But now I feel like I’m 13 and going backwards. If I talk to someone I scared them, so I don’t say anything. Is that normal?
Lillly I am so sorry to hear about the trauma that you experienced. Trauma effects us on a mental, emotional and physical level, so what you are describing is completely normal. Please get the help and support you need. Do not be afraid to talk about it! Keep talking until you find what helps. If you haven't already check out our video, "Can Trauma be stored in the Body" ruclips.net/video/TAsUBEw-YgM/видео.html and "How to Deal with Triggers from Trauma" ruclips.net/video/6kdrJRIuGXY/видео.html
I'm in a pretty dark spot Johnathan, but this is helping lots. Thank you.
Does anyone else get that feeling like all of the blood just left body when you found out?
I’m currently seeking these videos out, because I am currently experiencing anxiety/angst because of someone who… well… I don’t even know what to really call it.
It is a betrayal, but not infidelity, because this person betrayed a lot of people’s trust and was exposed when they attempted to blackmail someone, threatening to dox them, because of some tension between them and the other (this was in a discord server, and they tried to do this to the owner).
The owner kicked/banned them, but latter allowed them back in to tell what happened and apologise, and then (the owner) asked us to not pursue the betrayer and I agree, everyone deserves a chance at redemption.
And the offender/betrayed wasn’t done, they continued and ended up causing the owner to go underground because of everything they caused afterwards too.
And a lot of us knew this person (the betrayer/offender) from a different server they’ve been in. I even have history with them, which did not end well, but then, in the other/‘new’ one things seemed to be ok, then they were exposed and with everything that has happened with this person it has caused me to have some kind of paranoia when anything bad and/or mysterious/weird happens online that I can’t find any explanation for.
They were even banned from the first server for some time, and after that was over they did come back a few times, but left again relatively shortly thereafter, but everytime they join(ed) I immediately got/get tense/on-edge. It’s nerve wrecking.
And now they’ve returned and seem to be staying there, which is hard for me because I legitimately do not feel safe around/near them. It feels like… I don’t even know how to properly compare it…
I’m almost to scared and/or anxious to be active because of this person, because I know what they’re capable of and all it requires is other people to be active. Because they hoard(ed) information on others to use against them, meaning something like blocking wouldn’t even work, because that just makes it impossible for them to contact me and hides their messages for me, when what I feel I really need is for my messages to be hidden from them…
I’m hoping to find some way to cope via these videos, if this person continues to stay on the server, because it’s draining constantly being angsty and not feeling safe around, what I consider a/my safe place…
The owner of this server, and a lot of people there do know of what this person has done.
I’m tired, terrified, and currently almost shaking…
It’s a demon I hope to never face or experience again. It’s not good/healthy for me being constantly tense/stressed.
And even though I know and are able to understand/tell myself the rationalities of things to try and calm myself, it doesn’t help…
It happened 20 years ago. I am still triggered by spending time with family who knew about the situation at the time. I feel humiliated all over again. Is that normal . I still am so angry. Is this normal?
Betrayal trauma occurs, even from before earliest memories in life.
Alcoholic fathers, mothers who shunt comforting behavior off onto demonstrably coercive dissimulatory religion, abdicating by shaming and calling their children names, for weeping over the abuse, crazed impatient granfathers unwiling to give sufficient attention to 4 year-olds, instead taking off belts a striking them (ah, religion and its self-righteousness!), extended family who withdraw all compassion, as mine did to a cousin raped by a priest - this is common, but i observed my cousin attempt to develop a normal life a decade later.
NONE of the three women who established a cohabiting relationship with me, ever atoned or apoloogized for their treatment of a bond so important to our species ( this could be attested to should sufficient research ever be developed. The very fact that we around traumatized by betrayal and its permanent results, indicate that the species norm, when not subject to cognitively destructive drugging, suggests that the norm exists).
I never directly sought formal or even physical attachment, nor violated it through cheating or abusive physical or verbal interaction.
My fault was in naivete' and inate belief that trust exists at all.
As a male, not seking "dates" or aggressively pursuing a female, but only opening up to those who initiated physical relationships, may seem odd.
But, should you place yourself mentally in the position i vaguely outlined, you will see that peer trust remains. This is a normal trait, to trust one's peers when they seem sincere, even if older individuals or the culture itself, has social norms of persistent violation.
I had been approached due to perception that i was skilled in some profession and discipline. Make no mistake, i did nor do brook violations by other males, but do recognize the signals of sincerity.
After three experiences of betrayals, i CAN inform you that trust violation is irreparable. Pretentious celebrations such as religious marriage and vows, make ZERO difference.
What the therapist in this video speaks of, is that the salience of violations diminishes with time.
We forgive because we learn that sometime previous to your personal bonding, the other had also experienced violation of their trust, and it , th resentment, was misapplied to you.
Yes, forgiveness can occur. See the long-tern social healing occurring in Fred Luskin's Stanford Forgiveness Project, with extreme social violations.
But repeated trust violations, drugs such as alcohol and any other neuromodulating substance, by the perpetrators, prevents the possibility of real restoration of violated trust.
I pursued psychology as a major, even writing and performing observational and controlled experiments on cognition and behavior, followed by study in broader behavioral, neuroscience, and evolutionary disciplines.
Not, however , in trust and bonding violation, as the trauma itself was too extreme and pervasive.
Facilitating a men's group once, i realized that the slippery evasiveness and self-serving ideation of both male and female humans, precludes strong likelihood of recovery, especially with the same partner.
As we age through time, should violations, common in this culture, continue, increasingly affect us. I have not been involved in any relationships requiring trust for some years, and in none that involve sexual relationships for over twenty years. This is not due to any physical problems, as i once,if inadvertently in solo fashion, immensely enjoyed daily affirmative sex with the females with whom i bonded.
Recently, working through sex therapy, i discovered that the sudden erectile dysfunction ocurring after the final cheating partner, is entirely emotional/mental.
As anecdote, in each relationship in which the female cheated, i actually did violent physical injury to myself, resulting in surgical repair. In each case of betrayal, including one extreme social betrayal, i consciously noted my extreme resentment and choice leading to self-injury within the 1/2 to 2 seconds preceding.
I do not suggest considering self-injury in response to any situation. I did not have serious injuries without having been aware of my rage beforehand and self-directing it.
I am sure that faithful individuals exist, as i have known many. It may well be that some diasthesis - induced self-injurious choice exists.
I do not recommend continuance of any relationship with those who cheat.
The periods i experienced withoit a father, for example, were periods of healing from the times he was present. It is probable that you who experienced betrayals do harm, irreparable harm, to the offspring you desire to "save" by continuing self- and offspring- exposure to the violator, who THROUGH THEIR ACTIONS, teach , impress more strongly, than ANYTHING else they do or claim.
Usually we made the fatal mistake of loving a Narcissist
I was betrayed by both my parents who abused me in every conceivable way. I literally believed God gave me my husband (I’m on his account) to make up for it. He cheated. 21 years for what? I wish the Earth would open up and swallow me whole. I have constant nightmares and flashbacks. I destroyed a bedroom and most all in it even knocking the house off it’s foundation by ripping into the walls!!!!! My body is all scarred up. I used glass and pins and a knife to slice into my stomach. I just wanna GO AWAY. I can’t do this.
Mother, sister, best friend….partner ??? Heeeeellll no… ! I’d never let that happen. Why I’m single and don’t let people in.
I luckily don't have any trauma. My ex boyfriend left me for no reason from one day to the other. (He said himself he was running away and had no reason). I have not seen any signs or problems. 2 days before that we looked at dogs and what kind we want. I had to learn to trust myself again, because I was afraid that I will never see signs and that I will be left from one day to another again.
Can trauma be experienced with someone other than a spouse, such as with a missionary companion? I spend 6 weeks with someone, while being berated and belittled, and still have triggers even after being home and around family and a healthy support system. Is the healing process similar to what is discussed in this video? How can I forgive this person without accepting their actions?
Yes it absolutely can! First realize that forgiving them does not mean you are condoning their actions, nor does it mean you need to allow them access to you again. When you forgive them, you don't even need to let them know. It's more of a personal decision in your heart to know that they don't have their life all together, they clearly have some rubbish going on, and you forgive them for how they behave. It will SET YOU FREE! It is like drawing a line in the sands of time, and stepping over it, and saying 'that was then, this is now', and not taking them into the future with you emotionally.
What if the betrayal trauma was a result of your siblings betraying you? Not just you, but everyone else in your family. And it leaves you feeling scared out of your mind over whether you'll end up doing something like they did to you and your remaining family members?
Asking this from personal experience. First time it happened I was 16. 2nd time I was 24, then a 3rd time 10 months later after the second betrayal.
Why is it that symptoms of betrayal trauma are showing up now after 12 years... I'm in my first stable healthy relationship and now symptoms are showing up... What's that about?
Please read the book “The Body Keeps the Score.” It explains this so incredibly well, and also explains how to heal. And find a therapist who can help you!
So, if you are not reconciling, you just have forgiveness? Just the atonement part, not the attunement and attachment? My husband abandoned me suddenly, blocking me on the phone and social media and also blocking his family. Some investigation revealed that he has been having an affair for 3.5 years at least. I don't even know what to do with this.
Even if you're not reconciling there's aspects of atunement and attachments to learn and apply in your healing process. Have you checked out our "Healing from Infidelity" masterclass? We'll give you practical tips you can apply right now: mendedlight.com/healing-from-infedelity-webinar/
Is there a video that reframes this for other relationships other than romantic partners? What about friends or business partners? Or other family members?
5/5STARS⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Good intentions but absolutely no idea what it is to be betrayed.
Not true.
Solutions are what the betrayed seek not meaningless rhetoric/@@MendedLight
What about betrayal trauma that doesn't involve a sexual affair
I'm not sure if it was infidelity, I don't know if they slept together all I knew is he was coming home talking about some other girl for a week and the secrecy of their "friendship"
He was getting me mistaken for her on a few occasions and even trying to secretly message her and he still lies about that.
What if the family betrays?
It'll be 2 years in February
it seems you need the partner’s help to heal. what if the partner is a hopeless liar
Almost one and half
In the book Dante's Inferno the lowest level of hell is for Satan. The next level is for betrayors. So evil because of the devastation they leave upon the betrayed. It absolutely ruins people's lives and their world, changes their God given personalities. We the betrayed are left in a horrible, truly horrific state. Well REJOYCE my fellow betrayed, it looks like WWIII is upon us! Possibly this whole rock blows and are pain is over! YAY!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉
Celebrate Good Times, Come On!!!
What about betrayal by your MOTHER
❤
Why is betrayal trauma mistakenly equated to partner betrayal. A disservice.
Never. Sorry.
Im dealing with it more frequently &im getting flashbacks .my therapist tells im wanted remembering thing's and im wantedly getting my flashbacks itseems i dont understand her concept... im feeling very hurt.