Just commenting to call attention to the noticeable lack of over editing Dr. K's pauses. Thank you so much for listening to the feedback team, I for one highly appreciate it. And again, thank you for your work condensing the streams.
yes! I watched a video on productivity caveats and was reading comments while watching. didn't get the point about editing up until the questions segment. watching this, I feel really into the subject and I feel like my own thoughts and follow up questions don't make me need to rewind so many times, and overall lets the info soak in better (started wathcing Dr.K about a year ago, when it was like stream recording with chat and pacing of the real deal)
The only thing I would add here is that this describes "normal" shame. Or shame that someone would more naturally develop. As someone who is very shame prone from years of abuse, mine is less about not being an ideal self, and more of moments, behaviors, or thoughts that others would make me feel ashamed of in the past.
This. I feel a lot of doctor k's videos are definitely targeting a broader audience As someone with severe trauma and ptsd it can be hard to relate to some of these videos
I don't think I have severe trauma, but I definitely relate to a degree. My feelings of shame are so deeply ingrained that I oftentimes can't even pinpoint the reason for why I feel them. They are just _present_ and almost inherent to me as a person, like I am ashamed of simply existing.
I feel like those are very similar ideas of shame. The way shame presents and the strategies to address it is going to be different from person to person. For me, acknowledging where the shame is coming from helps me to recognize that the shame I feel is often not mine to keep and that I need to release it so I can focus on my current state and set reasonable goals.
Talking to your friends or family can really help. Having a social circle around you that helps and supports you can and will make the difference between potential healing and sinking deeper until there is nowhere left to go.
Here I am at 70, feeling ashamed of every time I fell short. The thing that keeps me going is that my parents and aunts and uncles are all alive and well, so I may have decades to improve… Sigh.
I left group coaching about a year ago after 6 months in the program. My life is completely transformed and i use the skills i learned there every day. I move through the world in a completely different way and i struggle a LOT less.
What helped me was really thinking how many shameful moments in my life were really my fault. I grew up with difficult parents and really bad friends so many of my worst moments were in situations I was forced or dragged into. It really put my life into perspective and showed me what types of people to surround myself with.
The comparison judgement Dr. K mentions is definitely something I'm careful and extra-aware of with my own kids. I try to do my best never to compare them on "achievements" and to make it clear that everyone learns differently.
AGREED! My sons are 4 and 6 and the older one really struggles with feeling inadequate when the younger succeeds, even if that success had nothing to do with the 6-year-old. I try REALLY hard to guide him to the understanding of his own worth and his own value, which are completely independent of his brother’s or friends’ actions or results.
Just what I needed! I was cringing from my past and letting the negative emotions course through my body last night. Still comparing myself to old acquaintances and regretting some of my circumstances even though it's all in the past and technically unchangeable :o Honestly makes me wonder if I should address that lingering, unfinished business or just disappear to carve out my own path far far away from the past. Like I've improved a lot recently. I learned about the mind and interpersonal relationships, exercised regularly to the point that I can climb up and hang in place w/ just my arms, got a decent job, and took up more leadership roles. Part of me feels good enough to face my past and tell these people, "Hey I'm doing a lot better now" but other times, I feel kinda crappy and weak. Then I just wanna slink away into the shadows and live my life on a metaphorical island.
Hey I just wanted to say that I received coaching for 4 months, ending a little over a year ago. And the reason I stopped the coaching was because both my coach and I felt that I had achieved the (realistic, actionable) goals we set out for! A big thanks to HG (and my coach!)!
Beside lack of purpose of life, depression may be caused by not acting on already chosen goals. Action upon, anticipation of result is triggering dopamine, and achieving, release serotonin. Lack of action cause self blaming, shame, anxiety, stress and depression.
One of the useful tools is emotion substitution. If someone is angry and turn their rage on you instead of becoming angry we can choose to feel compassion, knowing this person overpowered by negative emotions is loosing it's ability of logical thinking and hurting his health and relationships. Anxiety have similar neurotransmitter pattern to excitement, by reframing understanding. Thinking of ways how situation could bring multiple positive benefits, looking at it as challange instead of listing problems, anticipating positive result can turn anxiety into excitement. Symptoms of depression can be elavated by anger and with energy boost, turned into action and anticipation (dopamine).
19:14 it’s amazing how empowering and motivating getting paid for your work can be. I was about to give up on a project that I’ve been working on ( with waning enthusiasm) for a couple of years. This week I finally earned my 1st sale. I was ready to just throw in the towel, but that tiny, tiny amount is enough to get me revving up to high gear again. I earned my second customer just prior to posting, and look out world, I’m almost a hundredaire! Not giving up now!
This is a helpful video, but I feel like my feelings of shame come from a much deeper place than simply "not being the ideal me". These feelings are simply _present_ as if they are inherent to me as a person, oftentimes I couldn't even pinpoint the exact reason for why I have them. I feel like I am ashamed of simply existing, and it already had a massive impact on my life. I still have no idea what to do about that.
@@Dimitris_Half this is a comment section under a video about shame. I was sharing my experience with it and honest feelings about it or what came from it (like many other people here). There are probably many people like me, so it might even be helpful to share that. I genuinely don't know how you came to whatever conclusion you ended up with, unless you enjoy being an obnoxious cцnt. Which you are being right now. You aren't worthy of my time.
@@Dimitris_Half Your reply with "k.." was unnecessary. It holds no intrinsic value. 100% worthless. If you think it wasn't, then I question your judgement. You're welcome.
Mine is being shamed for talking about my interest, saying the wrong things in social situations/being awkward, shame for liking sex, shame for having body hair etc.
@@johjoh6429 The whole basis of capitalism is to get more out of your labor force than you pay them - exploitative by its very nature. It's "trickle down" economics and it amazes me that people can't/don't see the problem ...
"if we let 'not enough' stop us then we'll never make anything" Thank you so much. I've been so trapped with the art inside and not letting myself make it because it's never enough. I had almost allowed myself to think I was just past that phase, I had no more inspiration left. You've helped me realize, it'll never be enough. But that's okay. And it's not okay. The loss will never feel okay. Eventually, it'll all be forgotten, but I still want to save the world. I still want to do what I can to make a better world for my kids to live in, to hopefully not see everything go extinct quite yet, and leave them with their own set of problems and help resolve the ones we've created and left for them. I need to make and live with the fact it won't be enough. I've been drawing all day as I have listened to your video in pieces. Made it nearly to the end before David's words broke me, "I told you it wouldn't really be able to capture it." Thank you for granting me this room to grieve falling short while falling forward. I love you guys. I know I don't "know" you, maybe one day I will, but I still love you both and am so grateful for your way into my life.
Its important to understand this "ideal self" which is the source of shame. I would say it is entirely ficticious, you have this person that you think you should be right now, but most of the time you arent that person. Which means you spend most of your time wishing you were someone else. This is not a path to success, this is a path to sickness. This person that you want to be isnt even your idea most of the time. You saw someone else and figured life is better if you were like them. Or maybe a parent or mentor told you how you should be or not be. So if someone else has given you an identity to wear and you are seeing that this identity is a source of shame, its time to trash that identity. You were put onto this planet with nothing, no purpose, no expectation, no identity. Youve pieced all of this together through the years. But at any point you can drop it all and start fresh any number of times. Its time to throw away who we were supposed to be, and just live as your life demands.
It's really hard to stay afloat when you feel that you have the whole world on your back. You gotta behave, you gotta man up, you gotta be enough in any situation. Needless to say it can be paralyzing and it takes a bite out of your self esteem and daily peace of mind.
As for the public school thing, I have some thing that might help at least a bit lol. This channel honestly helped a lot in kickstarting my journey from having an abusive boyfriend and a drug problem in high school, to pursuing my bachelors in philosophy. Where I live the requirements for teaching high school are a bachelors degree and teaching credential, so with that option I can learn about my passions in college without needing ultra-specific classes for a certain career. I absolutely think that RUclips videos are underutilized in education, with the exception of a lot of online schools. Assuming I’m successful I’m my pursuits I’d love to recommend this channel to my students; or even trim down a few of your videos into relevant clips relating to whatever lesson I may be teaching.
I've believed for a long time (based on not terribly much reading, admittedly) that shame was a fear of being judged harshly by other people. Certainly I have that fear around certain things, whatever it may be called. What I read is that shame comes from falling short of societal standards, whereas guilt comes from falling short of our own standards. Is this all wrong?
Yeah, I have two versions of myself, in which I felt life was optimal for me and I had great disposition. I’ve been desperately trying to get back at where I was then and I despair because I’m always not quite there yet and I’ve done so much and progressed so much, still I feel as if there’s no result at all and only wasted time and effort
It took me until well into my thirties to let square with and let go of some shame that I carried since my teens. I’m eternally grateful for the enhanced cognizance I now have, because I’ll be able to help my kids work through whatever emotions they might suffer from as they grow and have difficult experiences.
I feel the most shame after romantic breakups. currently going through some. despite the situation not being my fault or even a matter of something i did wrong I still felt a lot of self hate and depression for it.
Litterally me rn, recently had someone Who I face revealed too and showed myself too only for them to tell there friends I wasnt it for them( like there type I'm guessing) but they didn't tell me me upfront.. and then they left and blocked me.. I felt ashamed and embarrassed because i really was starting to like them and hanging out and watching movies with so for me the shame comes from me feeling stupid for opening up myself to someone who doesn't even like me or wants to be with me and now I'm hating myself for it.
I would be really interested in his perspective on Brene Browns work. She specializes in shame vs guilt and vulnerability. Shame is who you are as a person and guilt is for actions and behaviors. Focusing on shame will kill you, but guilt can be really insightful for information about yourself. Everyone feels shame, and to combat it we use self compassion. For guilt we use learning, and again, self compassion. Be compassionate to yourselves. ❤
The only expectations you should have is yourself and while that may be the same voices it’s not you because it’s not loving and compassionate. This is your life, your happiness. I’ve come to realize after so long I’ve been living the life of someone other than myself in order to please and not disappoint. Love yourself as you are where you are. Take care of yourself out there. ❤️
Shame is a social byproduct. Guilt comes from within, shame comes from the other. Society or culture, often. Sometimes family or work or school. Shame is flung upon you socially, it must be removed socially.
27:16 I was that teacher who combined 2 webinars into a workshop for fellow teachers! It was very rewarding to do, and my fellow teachers were very positive about it. (I combined the motivation-webinar and procrastination-webinar that were made in 2020)
understanding that that ideal self is 6:00 built up from a series of fantasies and 6:03 as you go through past experiences of 6:06 your life and you start to realize where 6:08 does that ideal self come from and you 6:09 start to unpack it
The ideal self isnt some static set of traits/potential. It is highly dependent on the environment and circumstance. You may be capable of straight A's but maybe youre in an environment where your family needs your help earning income so you are working taking away time that you could be studying. You may have the potential to be the best performer on your team but you have other obligations you have to juggle like spending time with your family or maybe caring for a sick spouse. Instead of beating yourself up over not reaching your potential try to change the environment where you are more easily able to reach your potential.
i used to be ashamed of the one time i pissed my pants and got chased by cops at a third grade boondocks birthday party. Years later when I finally had the courage to tell someone for the first time, i realized how funny it was. A lot of embarrassing things are like that. Surmountable, a little funny. Theres a story in a book I remember reading about a man who murdered a woman and confessed in the last days of his life. It stuck with me. "I know I am dying, but I feel joy and peace for the first time after so many years (…) Neither my wife nor the judges, nor any one has believed it. My children will never believe it either. I see in that God’s mercy to them. I shall die, and my name will be without a stain for them’"
That's all well and good, but what about shame from an "ideal" that was placed on you by others that you don't even want to strive to? Be it your family, friends, society, etc. What if *they* tell you who to be, but you are different and feel shame for being different? Different can of worms ofc, but something to consider.
as a former school employee , you’d probably want to do a pilot program in a specific school district and id pick 5th or 6th grade, 8th grade and then 10th grade so you can follow them and see how they’d do. it would be for at least 3 years. but it’s challenging because socioeconomic conditions makes things challenging and when it comes to curriculum about teaching students in K-12 on these kinda things. pretty much parents are a big barrier (aside from the book banning) and youd have to get them on board. but id youre able to track this data and give show the success it would be easier to bring it to other districts and then ultimately the state you reside in to make the argument this works. Id avoid charter or private schools for it too. private hey man god bless. charter schools are a mixed bag and unmm they’re interesting places but id personally not use them as a model
It's not like that at all for me. It's not about my ideal self, it's about what is normal and accepted. When I feel or think or do something that I can't call COLLECTIVELY accepted, I feel ashamed. It's about people's expectations and norms that noone cares about really and noone put on me conciesly and maybe if I didn't let it stop me from sharing it would make someone less lonely and ashamed.
Most of the world’s culture is built upon the beliefs and ideas of someone else and a lot of this is carried in shame. Reality is original, you are an original creation. People are carried by their own realities to not understand what is good is not for other people. This is why it’s so important to take care of yourself regardless and trust your own intuition on WHO YOU are supposed to be
17:26 holyyyyy shhhhhhhittttt I was misdiagnosed with double depression. Persistent depressive disorder with episodes of major depressive disorder, where I would get to the brink of a mental breakdown and almost wanting to not be alive. Almost cyclically. Come to find out, my depression was only in existence and exacerbated, because I had unmedicated, severe ADHD. (Combo type) Once I got medicated for ADHD, I literally felt like I had a new lease on life. I had this massive burst of inspiration to return to school to become a licensed clinical therapist, and to receive my masters degree. My depression wasn’t really depression now that I think back on it. My depression was the fact that I knew I had such amazing, great potential inside of me, but I physically could not live up to it. Every little thing I had to do in my day-to-day life seemed almost insurmountable. Now that I’m medicated, I still absolutely hate doing the dishes and would rather be doing anything else. Only now, it doesn’t make me angry or anxious to have to do them. If that makes sense. I also resonated with the fact that I was a gifted child in school growing up (I was always doodling and drawing and I had straight A’s until my teacher started taking my sketchbook and iPod away. Then my grades begin to plummet. ) I would work really hard the last couple of months of school to bring my failing grade back up to a passing grade and I always did it with flying colors because I was working under the pressure of procrastination. Everything all makes sense now. I went from working hard because I needed to, to literally feeling like a failure, and as if I’ve been sleepwalking through life for the last 10 years. I don’t feel like that anymore now that I am on a regimen with therapy and medication. This video hit home for me so hard.
we have this this potential to be this 2:14 version of ourself 2:17 there's that person over there 2:19 and then there's where i am 2:21 and the gap between these two things is 2:23 where shame lives
Don’t allow the past and current pains and hurts stop and define you. You’re more than a conqueror. Rise up and put yourself together. Keep pushing your future depends on it. I wish you all the best in life!
I'm only 2:27 into the video so far, but I want to comment my thoughts already. My apologies if this gets addressed later in the video. I'm thinking about your definition of shame, and I would add some nuance to it. I agree that shame is the gap between two selves, but it's not necessarily the gap between your idealized self and who you are now. It's the gap between who you think you are *supposed* to be and who you are now. It's not the idealized self you *want* to be, it's the idealized self you think you *have* to be in order to have worth as a person. Who you want to be might be even more idealized, but it's the version of yourself that acts as the "floor" of idealized, the worst version of yourself that you think is acceptable to be, that you compare yourself against. Because if it's just what you want for yourself, but you're okay with who you are now, even on your bad days, then you're not experiencing shame, even if you're not your ideal self. It's not the idealization that's the problem, it's the *demand* that you reach the ideal that is. You also say that this idealized self is not wildly unrealistic, but that's not necessarily true. That idealized self is formed by your perceptions (usually in childhood) of what other people expect and demand of you. Sometimes those *are* wildly unrealistic expectations. Like, if you think you're supposed to have a "thigh gap" or be skinny on a level that just is not compatible with your natural body type without being severely malnourished. Or you think you're supposed be able to work 100 hour weeks and never take a break or time off, never be sick, never have needs, always put other people first, etc. You can have ideals that aren't realistic or attainable or anything you've ever experienced actually succeeding at, and still feel shame for not reaching that ideal. The difference is that with unrealistic goals, it's not too difficult to use reason and CBT type techniques to recognize the unreasonableness of those ideals and choose to abandon them as ideals. It's not that hard to come to the conclusion that trying to starve yourself to be model thin isn't healthy and isn't a necessary condition for your worth as a person. It's much harder to dismantle expectations that seem more reasonable. Like "I should be able to study for my final without procrastinating." Because that seems achievable, and you may have done it at some point. So it's harder to let go of that "goal" for yourself and accept that it is, in fact, on some level, an unreasonable demand for perfection. So probably it's most common to feel shame over seemingly achievable discrepancies between the current self and the idealized "supposed to be" self.
Self report statistics done within a community that's resistant to critique and has a prominant leader that everyone wants to please...without a control group 🤦♀🤦♀🤦♀
Interesting fact about parents comparing you to someone, if you pay attention, it is not always the same person, they always compare you to someone different based on what fits in the moment. So in a sense you are not compared to a person, but to a chimera of the best in people.
he first is that when i have an ideal 4:19 self and i literally make progress 4:22 this is not a positive reinforcer right 4:24 because i have this gap left the gap is 4:27 still there so what do i need to do i 4:29 need to find some way to get rid of this 4:32 thing 4:33 because if i can start over here and i 4:35 move this far 4:37 then this is progress this is like hey i
I wonder if I'm misunderstanding shame... maybe need a different word. I don't relate to vision of ideal self, more like I'm ashamed on what I'm interested in.
Where does one find a coach? I went to a child's birthday party recently, and i was the only one in my thirties there who didn't have his shit together. So I compared myself to these beautiful people who were all where they wanted to be in life (independent, their own houses, married, with children, good career paths, etc.) And i looked at myself and thought "I must just look like a bum who is just too damn lazy to sort himself out." There came a time at the party where we were invited to get some food, but when my chance came, I was paralyzed with fear. I thought "if I go get food in plain sight, they're gonna see me as someone who's just there for the food and nothing else, and they're gonna look at me with contempt and disgust." And I couldn't bare to face it. So I didn't get any food because I felt I had no right. Not only to get food, but to exist. I just broke down at a children's birthday party, over something as simple as whether or not I wanted some food. And it's so difficult to explain this to anyone in my family. My siblings never felt it. And my parents never understood that they inadvertently caused it.
Your videos definitely helped me with finding my life purpose, and work through my anxiety and depression For example, your video on anxiety where you have the literal definition (mind focusing on the past/future) helped a ton Another was your video on finding your career, where you said all you have to do is mix your “personality”/the things you really enjoy I’ve been watching for a good year now, and at this point your new videos are topics that you’ve breached on in the past, but now I’m able to comprehend them from a different lens
I would love to see you talk to Jordan Peterson. Yall are both certified experts in brain stuff, but with very different outlooks and perspectives. I think you'd bounce off each other well.
Would you do a video on internalised homophobia? How the idea of the “ideal” self is influenced by external societal pressures and how those expectations become internalised, or shape the way the ego (the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves) - I’d be interested in how neuroplasticity and mylination interact with changing deep seated beliefs about our self and identity as it intersects with our self worth as it seems that many LGBTIQ people who experience and struggle with internalised shame from the hegemonic heteronormative social norms do so at a stage in life where they are living openly in a life that even celebrates and is filled with acceptance for their identity including their sexual orientation or gender, but find themselves struggling with anxiety, depression and relationship troubles that are attached to self worth and self esteem issues that arose when they first came to notice they didn’t identify as heterosexual or cisgender (ie between the ages of 15-25 when the frontal lobe and areas highly involved in ego and self perception were being myelinated but also a time where we were not yet “out” and where many of us struggled to understand what this meant for who we were in the world) would be fascinated to hear your thoughts on this as it intersects, at least in my experience and understanding, with so many things you’ve talked about and there’s not much in the way of representing Gaymers here at the moment.
what about when you have a physical illness that people always equate to drug addiction (but mine wasnt caused by that) that shames you out of 99% of social interactions? i literally cant speak to people without a mask on anymore because they will immediately think im having a bowl of crack + meth for breakfast every day and i will never be considered anything close to an actual human being again.....
The sad thing is that those individuals who struggle with addiction are still human beings and carry that shame with them as well. Ask yourself if your friend was struggling with addiction would you want them to feel shamed out of the social interaction? I wouldn't. And I know friends who wouldn't either. I guess that's what the point of this video is at the end of the day. Community helps break that cycle.
@@denisborzov8406 i dont really have any teeth left because i grew up in a war zone level of stress/threat while being starved and deprived of oral healthcare. i kind of got lucky tho because i'd seen it happen to other people before they even reached age 21. still, i cant do anything about it and never could, because i've never been given the opportunity to make enough money to even buy 2 meals a day, let alone have tens of thousands of dollars to throw at dentists..
@@denisborzov8406 and its equated to drug abuse because of media/stereotypes. in reality there is no scientific evidence that smoking crack or meth (or smoking/consuming any drug) directly damages enamel (i havent smoked those things) and its almost entirely because addicts tend to malnourish themselves to buy more drugs. i am willing to bet my life that there are more people with decent oral health who do drugs than there are who have bad oral health. i know for a fact that a very large portion of the working population in the usa that makes middle income levels or more are addicts. so if they did damage to people then everyones oral health would be a disaster in this country. regardless, i have never done enough of any drug for it to have had a harmful effect on me like this..
@@theycallmedip yeah i dont look down on addicts like that (unless they are harming innocent/defenseless people in order to maintain their addictions) but my point was that the people who control everyone elses lives ("employers") do look down on them and will deny employment to anyone who remotely looks like they might have done a drug in their lives. everyone i have ever met or spoken to looks down on people who have bad oral health. its not a thing i can really do anything about except just wear a mask all the time. at least masking is somewhat socially acceptable now
I don't know if I missunderstood, but he talks about shame beeing the gap between who we are and who we want to be. But isn't that missing out the shame people feel when others have expectations on you, who you should be according to them? Because that doesn't have to be who you want to be but can still make someone ashamed of theirself
That gap between the current self and the ideal self may be where shame lives, but it can also create a very strong source of motivation to become that ideal self, if you have the right mindset.
Dr K rejects licensed therapists- even ones who have run many successful groups - from his coaching program because it’s his belief that it will be harder to mould them into clones. But he said in this video that he doesn’t think he’s that special.
I'm evidence against the idea of a cash infusion would help depression. I recently got a raise at a dead-end job where feel underutilized. The most I could say about it is that my job is more tolerable and I'm a little less stressed while I look for other options. I would give them back their $10k per year if I felt like what I did mattered and what I'm doing challenged me intellectually.
Is today like, shame tackling day? Saw an hour lecture/presentation about self hatred and its correlation with shame lol Not gonna complain bc unhealthy shame sucks
Love your stuff. I do notice your microphone isnt sound isolated from your desk, every time you pick up and put down stuff on the desk it reverberates through the mic arm.
Is anyone watching NOT a previously gifted kid or overachiever?🙋 Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here because my shame is of a very different nature.
Could the editors of these videos add some sort of light/soft sound effect at the end of the video, when the "for more" screen comes up? This would indicate the video is over for people like me who only listen to these videos. Often a video will end and it'll be a few minutes before I realize, since Dr. K pauses so often. I listen to these videos while working since I do manual labor and don't need my brain much
Mmm... a long time ago. There's a video of severe hand in India. The news said bus full India military and incident happen. And then someone driving to the side exploded of side bus of India Personnel Military exploded. There was you with an ad with PC mouse. But can it be anything. It could be something knowing that you do the PC mouse ad. It could the person driving found a explosive somehow warning the military that they have something but it exploded. It transport something drop of the road, someone drive at the side and it exploded. Or military personnel carrying explosive, exploded, as someone drive at the side. Or it could nothing is true at all.
Really? I’ve felt like most things I’ve overcame have been on my own. It’s recently that I’ve been investing into relationships. Edit: then again I don’t feel like I’m a person who feels allot of shame. Infact I would say I’m very shameless( not that I lack shame of course just that I don’t feel it very often)
This was the least useful video I've come across on this channel. Stripping the effectiveness out of your videos, then trying to sell it, is extremely infuriating. Edit- I found a video of yours from three years ago that has actual useful information in it. Listen, I know that I'm not entitled to your wisdom, but I honestly feel like this particular video is a complete time waster for people who are looking for affordable help online. Not only that, but it muddies the water and can leave someone who really needs the help confused. I challenge you to look at this video from this perspective. I know that my anger is unjustified, however. You are a net positive, a massive one.
Jordan peterson is creating something that it would equate to an affordable bachelors degree, maybe you could reach out to him and collab? He has helped many people.
Ehh, I get the whole ‘unpack why you’re behind your expectations’ stuff but I don’t see how someone else being ‘non judgemental’, especially in a coaching or therapy standpoint will help you reduce shame. The world doesn’t care why you’re behind; your employer, the college you’re applying to, or your potential date don’t care about your adhd, or your outperforming sibling, or neglectful parents, or any other excuses, etc. If you’re behind, you’re behind, and nobody outside of a paid professional in a coaching/therapeutic setting is going to be non-judgemental about that information. Why should you not be judgemental of yourself? To ignore those facts is to delude yourself in an attempt to be happier until reality kicks you in the face again.
I agree that usually most people around you ignore your problems when are that far behind or struggling. A good friend should not judge you if you're in that kind of position!
My therapist did that for me. My shame would “show itself” in the form of negative self-talk and general pessimism about my abilities/where I was in life. I would say things like, “I should’ve been doing more, I’m so behind, it doesn’t really matter what I do”. And she would point out that based on what I said, I actually made a lot of progress that day compared to the average day, and that I’m not actually behind in life, because a lot of people are in my position, and that even if I’m not where I want to be, that I have the power to get there because I’m making progress. I would find myself replacing my negative self-talk with her positive words in my head, and it’s helped me overcome really bad anxiety/depression issues that were keeping me from getting work done. My therapist made me realize that I always chose the “negative” way of seeing things which was actually keeping me behind, almost like a “black pill” type of mentality, which made me basically just give up mentally.
It seems to me that the term "judgmental" is doing too much work here. I've spoken to coaches and therapists, and they've been "judgmental" in an impersonal, analytical way. They've been straightforward about my shortcomings, much the same way good employers are. On the other hand, parents are "judgmental" in a personal toxic way. They're not analytical. They're not straightforward. The reason they're interested in your shortcomings is not because they are trying to achieve some goal. They're interested in your shortcomings only as ways to hurt you. They want reasons to beat you up, and once you get too big for them to beat you up physically, they use them as ammunition to hurt your feelings. EDIT TO ADD: Perhaps I should clarify that when I use the phrase "doing too much work" what I mean is that there is a huge difference between being "judgmental" in an impersonal, analytical way the way coaches, therapists, and good employers are, and being "judgmental" in a personal, toxic way the way parents, bullies and bad employers are. A single term is being used where we really ought to have two.
You dont have to ignore the facts of your life, but you also don't have to feel shame, judgement, or anger towards yourselves for your faults. I spent my entire life shaming myself and honestly it just didn't help me change or feel better. It helped when I accepted the facts of my life and tried to reduce judgement towards myself. I still accept and am aware of my limitations, but I try to work with myself instead of fighting myself.
Just commenting to call attention to the noticeable lack of over editing Dr. K's pauses. Thank you so much for listening to the feedback team, I for one highly appreciate it. And again, thank you for your work condensing the streams.
Second this! Found this video much more enjoyable. 😊
Yup! The pauses are important!
Praise!
yes! I watched a video on productivity caveats and was reading comments while watching. didn't get the point about editing up until the questions segment. watching this, I feel really into the subject and I feel like my own thoughts and follow up questions don't make me need to rewind so many times, and overall lets the info soak in better
(started wathcing Dr.K about a year ago, when it was like stream recording with chat and pacing of the real deal)
@@marytheresadavis7071l
Everytime I watch Dr.K I think :
Man the people who have him as their psychiatrist must be so goddamn lucky !
You .. actually can get him as your psychiatrist
@@MinhNguyen-wz2wn How????
He's probably extremely expensive
We are so lucky to learn from him here!
@@MinhNguyen-wz2wnhow?
The only thing I would add here is that this describes "normal" shame. Or shame that someone would more naturally develop. As someone who is very shame prone from years of abuse, mine is less about not being an ideal self, and more of moments, behaviors, or thoughts that others would make me feel ashamed of in the past.
This. I feel a lot of doctor k's videos are definitely targeting a broader audience
As someone with severe trauma and ptsd it can be hard to relate to some of these videos
I don't think I have severe trauma, but I definitely relate to a degree. My feelings of shame are so deeply ingrained that I oftentimes can't even pinpoint the reason for why I feel them. They are just _present_ and almost inherent to me as a person, like I am ashamed of simply existing.
@@denisborzov8406 oh I feel this soo much. I'm sorry you're experiencing this at all, but you're not alone.
@@MelissaVanDeeVee thank you for the kind words! I also hope you're doing OK.
I feel like those are very similar ideas of shame. The way shame presents and the strategies to address it is going to be different from person to person. For me, acknowledging where the shame is coming from helps me to recognize that the shame I feel is often not mine to keep and that I need to release it so I can focus on my current state and set reasonable goals.
Ever since I had a psychotic break I’ve felt so ashamed about scaring everyone with my illness 😭
Talking to your friends or family can really help. Having a social circle around you that helps and supports you can and will make the difference between potential healing and sinking deeper until there is nowhere left to go.
Just don't talk about it.
Too many people reveal too much to others. Your best choice is to hide your psychosis.
Really sorry to hear that. :/ Hope you get good, kind help.
It's all in your support system, as with anything really
hope you find peace and try to do what you can to repair any harm caused
Here I am at 70, feeling ashamed of every time I fell short. The thing that keeps me going is that my parents and aunts and uncles are all alive and well, so I may have decades to improve… Sigh.
I left group coaching about a year ago after 6 months in the program. My life is completely transformed and i use the skills i learned there every day. I move through the world in a completely different way and i struggle a LOT less.
What helped me was really thinking how many shameful moments in my life were really my fault. I grew up with difficult parents and really bad friends so many of my worst moments were in situations I was forced or dragged into. It really put my life into perspective and showed me what types of people to surround myself with.
The comparison judgement Dr. K mentions is definitely something I'm careful and extra-aware of with my own kids. I try to do my best never to compare them on "achievements" and to make it clear that everyone learns differently.
AGREED! My sons are 4 and 6 and the older one really struggles with feeling inadequate when the younger succeeds, even if that success had nothing to do with the 6-year-old. I try REALLY hard to guide him to the understanding of his own worth and his own value, which are completely independent of his brother’s or friends’ actions or results.
@@Moose92411 you guys are great. Like it blows my mind.
@@robert7100 in what way?
@@Moose92411 don't push it
@@robert7100 now I'm confused. What are you saying?
Just what I needed! I was cringing from my past and letting the negative emotions course through my body last night.
Still comparing myself to old acquaintances and regretting some of my circumstances even though it's all in the past and technically unchangeable :o
Honestly makes me wonder if I should address that lingering, unfinished business or just disappear to carve out my own path far far away from the past. Like I've improved a lot recently. I learned about the mind and interpersonal relationships, exercised regularly to the point that I can climb up and hang in place w/ just my arms, got a decent job, and took up more leadership roles. Part of me feels good enough to face my past and tell these people, "Hey I'm doing a lot better now" but other times, I feel kinda crappy and weak. Then I just wanna slink away into the shadows and live my life on a metaphorical island.
This came from "What is your attachment style?" 02:04:59
Hey I just wanted to say that I received coaching for 4 months, ending a little over a year ago. And the reason I stopped the coaching was because both my coach and I felt that I had achieved the (realistic, actionable) goals we set out for! A big thanks to HG (and my coach!)!
Gigachad Eichhorn
Even just a quick chat with someone to vent your feelings can change your life
Pp
🧢
@@paradise745 what's your thoughts?
Beside lack of purpose of life, depression may be caused by not acting on already chosen goals. Action upon, anticipation of result is triggering dopamine, and achieving, release serotonin. Lack of action cause self blaming, shame, anxiety, stress and depression.
One of the useful tools is emotion substitution. If someone is angry and turn their rage on you instead of becoming angry we can choose to feel compassion, knowing this person overpowered by negative emotions is loosing it's ability of logical thinking and hurting his health and relationships. Anxiety have similar neurotransmitter pattern to excitement, by reframing understanding. Thinking of ways how situation could bring multiple positive benefits, looking at it as challange instead of listing problems, anticipating positive result can turn anxiety into excitement.
Symptoms of depression can be elavated by anger and with energy boost, turned into action and anticipation (dopamine).
19:14 it’s amazing how empowering and motivating getting paid for your work can be.
I was about to give up on a project that I’ve been working on ( with waning enthusiasm) for a couple of years.
This week I finally earned my 1st sale. I was ready to just throw in the towel, but that tiny, tiny amount is enough to get me revving up to high gear again.
I earned my second customer just prior to posting, and look out world, I’m almost a hundredaire! Not giving up now!
Thank you for listening to feedback about the video editing! I love this style with pauses a lot more! :D
This is a helpful video, but I feel like my feelings of shame come from a much deeper place than simply "not being the ideal me". These feelings are simply _present_ as if they are inherent to me as a person, oftentimes I couldn't even pinpoint the exact reason for why I have them. I feel like I am ashamed of simply existing, and it already had a massive impact on my life. I still have no idea what to do about that.
@@Dimitris_Half gg wp.
@@Dimitris_Half this is a comment section under a video about shame. I was sharing my experience with it and honest feelings about it or what came from it (like many other people here). There are probably many people like me, so it might even be helpful to share that.
I genuinely don't know how you came to whatever conclusion you ended up with, unless you enjoy being an obnoxious cцnt. Which you are being right now. You aren't worthy of my time.
Look into cptsd and see if you have it. EMDR therapy helped me a lot!
No it isn't though. Just a guide and coaching ad
@@Dimitris_Half Your reply with "k.." was unnecessary. It holds no intrinsic value. 100% worthless.
If you think it wasn't, then I question your judgement. You're welcome.
Mine is being shamed for talking about my interest, saying the wrong things in social situations/being awkward, shame for liking sex, shame for having body hair etc.
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" - Jiddu Krishnamurti
@@Dimitris_Half Ironic ...
@@Dimitris_Half Have a nice day, Dunning-Kruger ...
@@johjoh6429 The whole basis of capitalism is to get more out of your labor force than you pay them - exploitative by its very nature. It's "trickle down" economics and it amazes me that people can't/don't see the problem ...
@@johjoh6429 What do we expect when the worst predators among us are in charge of literally everything?
"if we let 'not enough' stop us then we'll never make anything"
Thank you so much. I've been so trapped with the art inside and not letting myself make it because it's never enough. I had almost allowed myself to think I was just past that phase, I had no more inspiration left. You've helped me realize, it'll never be enough. But that's okay. And it's not okay. The loss will never feel okay. Eventually, it'll all be forgotten, but I still want to save the world. I still want to do what I can to make a better world for my kids to live in, to hopefully not see everything go extinct quite yet, and leave them with their own set of problems and help resolve the ones we've created and left for them. I need to make and live with the fact it won't be enough.
I've been drawing all day as I have listened to your video in pieces. Made it nearly to the end before David's words broke me, "I told you it wouldn't really be able to capture it."
Thank you for granting me this room to grieve falling short while falling forward. I love you guys. I know I don't "know" you, maybe one day I will, but I still love you both and am so grateful for your way into my life.
Its important to understand this "ideal self" which is the source of shame. I would say it is entirely ficticious, you have this person that you think you should be right now, but most of the time you arent that person. Which means you spend most of your time wishing you were someone else. This is not a path to success, this is a path to sickness.
This person that you want to be isnt even your idea most of the time. You saw someone else and figured life is better if you were like them. Or maybe a parent or mentor told you how you should be or not be.
So if someone else has given you an identity to wear and you are seeing that this identity is a source of shame, its time to trash that identity. You were put onto this planet with nothing, no purpose, no expectation, no identity. Youve pieced all of this together through the years. But at any point you can drop it all and start fresh any number of times. Its time to throw away who we were supposed to be, and just live as your life demands.
This clicked something in my head that has been misaligned for a long time. Thank you so, so much for posting. Bless you.
Same here, I never realized that was happening this whole time, thank you!
It's really hard to stay afloat when you feel that you have the whole world on your back. You gotta behave, you gotta man up, you gotta be enough in any situation.
Needless to say it can be paralyzing and it takes a bite out of your self esteem and daily peace of mind.
As for the public school thing, I have some thing that might help at least a bit lol.
This channel honestly helped a lot in kickstarting my journey from having an abusive boyfriend and a drug problem in high school, to pursuing my bachelors in philosophy. Where I live the requirements for teaching high school are a bachelors degree and teaching credential, so with that option I can learn about my passions in college without needing ultra-specific classes for a certain career.
I absolutely think that RUclips videos are underutilized in education, with the exception of a lot of online schools. Assuming I’m successful I’m my pursuits I’d love to recommend this channel to my students; or even trim down a few of your videos into relevant clips relating to whatever lesson I may be teaching.
I've believed for a long time (based on not terribly much reading, admittedly) that shame was a fear of being judged harshly by other people. Certainly I have that fear around certain things, whatever it may be called. What I read is that shame comes from falling short of societal standards, whereas guilt comes from falling short of our own standards. Is this all wrong?
Yeah, I have two versions of myself, in which I felt life was optimal for me and I had great disposition. I’ve been desperately trying to get back at where I was then and I despair because I’m always not quite there yet and I’ve done so much and progressed so much, still I feel as if there’s no result at all and only wasted time and effort
It took me until well into my thirties to let square with and let go of some shame that I carried since my teens. I’m eternally grateful for the enhanced cognizance I now have, because I’ll be able to help my kids work through whatever emotions they might suffer from as they grow and have difficult experiences.
I feel the most shame after romantic breakups. currently going through some. despite the situation not being my fault or even a matter of something i did wrong I still felt a lot of self hate and depression for it.
Litterally me rn, recently had someone
Who I face revealed too and showed myself too only for them to tell there friends I wasnt it for them( like there type I'm guessing) but they didn't tell me me upfront.. and then they left and blocked me.. I felt ashamed and embarrassed because i really was starting to like them and hanging out and watching movies with so for me the shame comes from me feeling stupid for opening up myself to someone who doesn't even like me or wants to be with me and now I'm hating myself for it.
I would be really interested in his perspective on Brene Browns work. She specializes in shame vs guilt and vulnerability. Shame is who you are as a person and guilt is for actions and behaviors. Focusing on shame will kill you, but guilt can be really insightful for information about yourself. Everyone feels shame, and to combat it we use self compassion. For guilt we use learning, and again, self compassion. Be compassionate to yourselves. ❤
Shame and expectaton; the two biggest weights on my shoulders
The only expectations you should have is yourself and while that may be the same voices it’s not you because it’s not loving and compassionate. This is your life, your happiness. I’ve come to realize after so long I’ve been living the life of someone other than myself in order to please and not disappoint. Love yourself as you are where you are. Take care of yourself out there. ❤️
Bro Dr. K you really hit the nail on the head.... It feels good to know what cycle of self shame I am
Shame is a social byproduct. Guilt comes from within, shame comes from the other. Society or culture, often. Sometimes family or work or school.
Shame is flung upon you socially, it must be removed socially.
27:16 I was that teacher who combined 2 webinars into a workshop for fellow teachers!
It was very rewarding to do, and my fellow teachers were very positive about it.
(I combined the motivation-webinar and procrastination-webinar that were made in 2020)
Very good work. Thank you.
understanding that that ideal self is
6:00
built up from a series of fantasies and
6:03
as you go through past experiences of
6:06
your life and you start to realize where
6:08
does that ideal self come from and you
6:09
start to unpack it
Everyone always comment this, but thank you DR.K. You posted just what I needed when I needed it most.
Every time i feel the shame i remember that there is people who have shames too. No one is perfect, completely everyone have their own shames.
It's easier to get over shame alone, than with people who make it worse.
The ideal self isnt some static set of traits/potential. It is highly dependent on the environment and circumstance. You may be capable of straight A's but maybe youre in an environment where your family needs your help earning income so you are working taking away time that you could be studying. You may have the potential to be the best performer on your team but you have other obligations you have to juggle like spending time with your family or maybe caring for a sick spouse. Instead of beating yourself up over not reaching your potential try to change the environment where you are more easily able to reach your potential.
This... I can't get over everything. It all feels like a nightmare.
i used to be ashamed of the one time i pissed my pants and got chased by cops at a third grade boondocks birthday party.
Years later when I finally had the courage to tell someone for the first time, i realized how funny it was. A lot of embarrassing things are like that. Surmountable, a little funny.
Theres a story in a book I remember reading about a man who murdered a woman and confessed in the last days of his life. It stuck with me.
"I know I am dying, but I feel joy and peace for the first time after so many years (…) Neither my wife nor the judges, nor any one has believed it. My children will never believe it either. I see in that God’s mercy to them. I shall die, and my name will be without a stain for them’"
That's all well and good, but what about shame from an "ideal" that was placed on you by others that you don't even want to strive to? Be it your family, friends, society, etc. What if *they* tell you who to be, but you are different and feel shame for being different? Different can of worms ofc, but something to consider.
7:25 he literally mentioned this exact situation of having standards placed by others
It is amazing how on spot have been the last videos! Thank you! GG
as a former school employee , you’d probably want to do a pilot program in a specific school district and id pick 5th or 6th grade, 8th grade and then 10th grade so you can follow them and see how they’d do. it would be for at least 3 years. but it’s challenging because socioeconomic conditions makes things challenging and when it comes to curriculum about teaching students in K-12 on these kinda things. pretty much parents are a big barrier (aside from the book banning) and youd have to get them on board. but id youre able to track this data and give show the success it would be easier to bring it to other districts and then ultimately the state you reside in to make the argument this works. Id avoid charter or private schools for it too. private hey man god bless. charter schools are a mixed bag and unmm they’re interesting places but id personally not use them as a model
It's not like that at all for me. It's not about my ideal self, it's about what is normal and accepted. When I feel or think or do something that I can't call COLLECTIVELY accepted, I feel ashamed. It's about people's expectations and norms that noone cares about really and noone put on me conciesly and maybe if I didn't let it stop me from sharing it would make someone less lonely and ashamed.
Most of the world’s culture is built upon the beliefs and ideas of someone else and a lot of this is carried in shame. Reality is original, you are an original creation. People are carried by their own realities to not understand what is good is not for other people. This is why it’s so important to take care of yourself regardless and trust your own intuition on WHO YOU are supposed to be
I think I overcame a huge amount of shame through detachment but still it lingers around
17:26 holyyyyy shhhhhhhittttt I was misdiagnosed with double depression. Persistent depressive disorder with episodes of major depressive disorder, where I would get to the brink of a mental breakdown and almost wanting to not be alive. Almost cyclically. Come to find out, my depression was only in existence and exacerbated, because I had unmedicated, severe ADHD. (Combo type) Once I got medicated for ADHD, I literally felt like I had a new lease on life. I had this massive burst of inspiration to return to school to become a licensed clinical therapist, and to receive my masters degree. My depression wasn’t really depression now that I think back on it. My depression was the fact that I knew I had such amazing, great potential inside of me, but I physically could not live up to it. Every little thing I had to do in my day-to-day life seemed almost insurmountable. Now that I’m medicated, I still absolutely hate doing the dishes and would rather be doing anything else. Only now, it doesn’t make me angry or anxious to have to do them. If that makes sense. I also resonated with the fact that I was a gifted child in school growing up (I was always doodling and drawing and I had straight A’s until my teacher started taking my sketchbook and iPod away. Then my grades begin to plummet. ) I would work really hard the last couple of months of school to bring my failing grade back up to a passing grade and I always did it with flying colors because I was working under the pressure of procrastination. Everything all makes sense now. I went from working hard because I needed to, to literally feeling like a failure, and as if I’ve been sleepwalking through life for the last 10 years. I don’t feel like that anymore now that I am on a regimen with therapy and medication. This video hit home for me so hard.
we have this this potential to be this
2:14
version of ourself
2:17
there's that person over there
2:19
and then there's where i am
2:21
and the gap between these two things is
2:23
where shame lives
Just started the video, but I did not realize this was the feeling I was having!! 😲🤯
Don’t allow the past and current pains and hurts stop and define you. You’re more than a conqueror. Rise up and put yourself together. Keep pushing your future depends on it. I wish you all the best in life!
I always find these first thing in the morning, and the topic is always relevant.
the ideal self as long as that
5:50
exists it's going to be hard to sort of
5:53
fix that shame gap
I'm only 2:27 into the video so far, but I want to comment my thoughts already. My apologies if this gets addressed later in the video.
I'm thinking about your definition of shame, and I would add some nuance to it. I agree that shame is the gap between two selves, but it's not necessarily the gap between your idealized self and who you are now. It's the gap between who you think you are *supposed* to be and who you are now. It's not the idealized self you *want* to be, it's the idealized self you think you *have* to be in order to have worth as a person. Who you want to be might be even more idealized, but it's the version of yourself that acts as the "floor" of idealized, the worst version of yourself that you think is acceptable to be, that you compare yourself against. Because if it's just what you want for yourself, but you're okay with who you are now, even on your bad days, then you're not experiencing shame, even if you're not your ideal self. It's not the idealization that's the problem, it's the *demand* that you reach the ideal that is.
You also say that this idealized self is not wildly unrealistic, but that's not necessarily true. That idealized self is formed by your perceptions (usually in childhood) of what other people expect and demand of you. Sometimes those *are* wildly unrealistic expectations. Like, if you think you're supposed to have a "thigh gap" or be skinny on a level that just is not compatible with your natural body type without being severely malnourished. Or you think you're supposed be able to work 100 hour weeks and never take a break or time off, never be sick, never have needs, always put other people first, etc. You can have ideals that aren't realistic or attainable or anything you've ever experienced actually succeeding at, and still feel shame for not reaching that ideal.
The difference is that with unrealistic goals, it's not too difficult to use reason and CBT type techniques to recognize the unreasonableness of those ideals and choose to abandon them as ideals. It's not that hard to come to the conclusion that trying to starve yourself to be model thin isn't healthy and isn't a necessary condition for your worth as a person. It's much harder to dismantle expectations that seem more reasonable. Like "I should be able to study for my final without procrastinating." Because that seems achievable, and you may have done it at some point. So it's harder to let go of that "goal" for yourself and accept that it is, in fact, on some level, an unreasonable demand for perfection. So probably it's most common to feel shame over seemingly achievable discrepancies between the current self and the idealized "supposed to be" self.
Dr. K you're always so helpful. Thanks!
Very good and concise points!! Thanks!!
Self report statistics done within a community that's resistant to critique and has a prominant leader that everyone wants to please...without a control group 🤦♀🤦♀🤦♀
and bragging that they're IRB approved?
What about shame that comes from a place of wrong doing? Perhaps shame isn't all bad...
Interesting fact about parents comparing you to someone, if you pay attention, it is not always the same person, they always compare you to someone different based on what fits in the moment. So in a sense you are not compared to a person, but to a chimera of the best in people.
Please do more about the shame .
he first is that when i have an ideal
4:19
self and i literally make progress
4:22
this is not a positive reinforcer right
4:24
because i have this gap left the gap is
4:27
still there so what do i need to do i
4:29
need to find some way to get rid of this
4:32
thing
4:33
because if i can start over here and i
4:35
move this far
4:37
then this is progress this is like hey i
Thanks🕊
I wonder if I'm misunderstanding shame... maybe need a different word.
I don't relate to vision of ideal self, more like I'm ashamed on what I'm interested in.
Where does one find a coach?
I went to a child's birthday party recently, and i was the only one in my thirties there who didn't have his shit together.
So I compared myself to these beautiful people who were all where they wanted to be in life (independent, their own houses, married, with children, good career paths, etc.) And i looked at myself and thought "I must just look like a bum who is just too damn lazy to sort himself out."
There came a time at the party where we were invited to get some food, but when my chance came, I was paralyzed with fear.
I thought "if I go get food in plain sight, they're gonna see me as someone who's just there for the food and nothing else, and they're gonna look at me with contempt and disgust."
And I couldn't bare to face it.
So I didn't get any food because I felt I had no right.
Not only to get food, but to exist.
I just broke down at a children's birthday party, over something as simple as whether or not I wanted some food.
And it's so difficult to explain this to anyone in my family.
My siblings never felt it.
And my parents never understood that they inadvertently caused it.
Your videos definitely helped me with finding my life purpose, and work through my anxiety and depression
For example, your video on anxiety where you have the literal definition (mind focusing on the past/future) helped a ton
Another was your video on finding your career, where you said all you have to do is mix your “personality”/the things you really enjoy
I’ve been watching for a good year now, and at this point your new videos are topics that you’ve breached on in the past, but now I’m able to comprehend them from a different lens
Could you touch on covert narcissism and how to deal with the shame related to having this disorder?
I still scared of working with anything, because no matter witch Job I have, my parents always know somebody who gets more money then I do.
Shame is the lie we tell ourselves to keep ourselves small and safe
I would love to see you talk to Jordan Peterson. Yall are both certified experts in brain stuff, but with very different outlooks and perspectives. I think you'd bounce off each other well.
No offense to my group coach, but I don’t feel like any of my problems are identified or solved.
well, the coaches are not licensed medical professionals
Isn't supposed that the coaches solve your problems
Would you do a video on internalised homophobia? How the idea of the “ideal” self is influenced by external societal pressures and how those expectations become internalised, or shape the way the ego (the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves) - I’d be interested in how neuroplasticity and mylination interact with changing deep seated beliefs about our self and identity as it intersects with our self worth as it seems that many LGBTIQ people who experience and struggle with internalised shame from the hegemonic heteronormative social norms do so at a stage in life where they are living openly in a life that even celebrates and is filled with acceptance for their identity including their sexual orientation or gender, but find themselves struggling with anxiety, depression and relationship troubles that are attached to self worth and self esteem issues that arose when they first came to notice they didn’t identify as heterosexual or cisgender (ie between the ages of 15-25 when the frontal lobe and areas highly involved in ego and self perception were being myelinated but also a time where we were not yet “out” and where many of us struggled to understand what this meant for who we were in the world) would be fascinated to hear your thoughts on this as it intersects, at least in my experience and understanding, with so many things you’ve talked about and there’s not much in the way of representing Gaymers here at the moment.
what about when you have a physical illness that people always equate to drug addiction (but mine wasnt caused by that) that shames you out of 99% of social interactions? i literally cant speak to people without a mask on anymore because they will immediately think im having a bowl of crack + meth for breakfast every day and i will never be considered anything close to an actual human being again.....
The sad thing is that those individuals who struggle with addiction are still human beings and carry that shame with them as well. Ask yourself if your friend was struggling with addiction would you want them to feel shamed out of the social interaction? I wouldn't. And I know friends who wouldn't either. I guess that's what the point of this video is at the end of the day. Community helps break that cycle.
I'm sorry but what is your condition and why is it equated to drug abuse?
@@denisborzov8406 i dont really have any teeth left because i grew up in a war zone level of stress/threat while being starved and deprived of oral healthcare. i kind of got lucky tho because i'd seen it happen to other people before they even reached age 21. still, i cant do anything about it and never could, because i've never been given the opportunity to make enough money to even buy 2 meals a day, let alone have tens of thousands of dollars to throw at dentists..
@@denisborzov8406 and its equated to drug abuse because of media/stereotypes. in reality there is no scientific evidence that smoking crack or meth (or smoking/consuming any drug) directly damages enamel (i havent smoked those things) and its almost entirely because addicts tend to malnourish themselves to buy more drugs. i am willing to bet my life that there are more people with decent oral health who do drugs than there are who have bad oral health. i know for a fact that a very large portion of the working population in the usa that makes middle income levels or more are addicts. so if they did damage to people then everyones oral health would be a disaster in this country. regardless, i have never done enough of any drug for it to have had a harmful effect on me like this..
@@theycallmedip yeah i dont look down on addicts like that (unless they are harming innocent/defenseless people in order to maintain their addictions) but my point was that the people who control everyone elses lives ("employers") do look down on them and will deny employment to anyone who remotely looks like they might have done a drug in their lives. everyone i have ever met or spoken to looks down on people who have bad oral health. its not a thing i can really do anything about except just wear a mask all the time. at least masking is somewhat socially acceptable now
I don't know if I missunderstood, but he talks about shame beeing the gap between who we are and who we want to be. But isn't that missing out the shame people feel when others have expectations on you, who you should be according to them? Because that doesn't have to be who you want to be but can still make someone ashamed of theirself
That gap between the current self and the ideal self may be where shame lives, but it can also create a very strong source of motivation to become that ideal self, if you have the right mindset.
You're an angel
As someone with plenty of cash infusions, my confidence is on the floor
thankyouuu
17:56 hell yeah, that's the matter of fact surprisingly mad lad Dr K I fell in love with 😊
Dr K rejects licensed therapists- even ones who have run many successful groups - from his coaching program because it’s his belief that it will be harder to mould them into clones. But he said in this video that he doesn’t think he’s that special.
Go to therapy
I'm evidence against the idea of a cash infusion would help depression. I recently got a raise at a dead-end job where feel underutilized. The most I could say about it is that my job is more tolerable and I'm a little less stressed while I look for other options. I would give them back their $10k per year if I felt like what I did mattered and what I'm doing challenged me intellectually.
The Science of the Limbic System
Is today like, shame tackling day? Saw an hour lecture/presentation about self hatred and its correlation with shame lol
Not gonna complain bc unhealthy shame sucks
Love your stuff. I do notice your microphone isnt sound isolated from your desk, every time you pick up and put down stuff on the desk it reverberates through the mic arm.
Is anyone watching NOT a previously gifted kid or overachiever?🙋
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here because my shame is of a very different nature.
27:55 you forget the ugly part, only a fraction of people were able to do so
19:27 - SO IMPORTANT
Hi dr k i want to overcome shame
He is a genius and I am a genius for listening to him
Thanks, coach! :D
Could the editors of these videos add some sort of light/soft sound effect at the end of the video, when the "for more" screen comes up? This would indicate the video is over for people like me who only listen to these videos. Often a video will end and it'll be a few minutes before I realize, since Dr. K pauses so often. I listen to these videos while working since I do manual labor and don't need my brain much
Thank you
This is great.
okay, but what if you actually dide something horriblly shameful and deserve to be miserable?
Mmm... a long time ago. There's a video of severe hand in India. The news said bus full India military and incident happen. And then someone driving to the side exploded of side bus of India Personnel Military exploded. There was you with an ad with PC mouse. But can it be anything. It could be something knowing that you do the PC mouse ad. It could the person driving found a explosive somehow warning the military that they have something but it exploded. It transport something drop of the road, someone drive at the side and it exploded. Or military personnel carrying explosive, exploded, as someone drive at the side. Or it could nothing is true at all.
This wasn't really helpful? Just a coaching ad. How to overcome shame. Talk and acknowledge the gap? Do a follow up.
yes, it's a big, long ad.
Really? I’ve felt like most things I’ve overcame have been on my own. It’s recently that I’ve been investing into relationships.
Edit: then again I don’t feel like I’m a person who feels allot of shame. Infact I would say I’m very shameless( not that I lack shame of course just that I don’t feel it very often)
This was the least useful video I've come across on this channel. Stripping the effectiveness out of your videos, then trying to sell it, is extremely infuriating.
Edit- I found a video of yours from three years ago that has actual useful information in it. Listen, I know that I'm not entitled to your wisdom, but I honestly feel like this particular video is a complete time waster for people who are looking for affordable help online. Not only that, but it muddies the water and can leave someone who really needs the help confused. I challenge you to look at this video from this perspective.
I know that my anger is unjustified, however.
You are a net positive, a massive one.
How much do Dr.K's coaching programs cost?
Jordan peterson is creating something that it would equate to an affordable bachelors degree, maybe you could reach out to him and collab? He has helped many people.
How about guilt?
Guilt? Isn’t that also a form of shame.
@@danksalt5935 it goes hand in hand some people don’t have the guilt aspect
tl;dr - to overcome shame have money, and/or people. kk
W-wait a second... are we awakening here??
Ehh, I get the whole ‘unpack why you’re behind your expectations’ stuff but I don’t see how someone else being ‘non judgemental’, especially in a coaching or therapy standpoint will help you reduce shame. The world doesn’t care why you’re behind; your employer, the college you’re applying to, or your potential date don’t care about your adhd, or your outperforming sibling, or neglectful parents, or any other excuses, etc. If you’re behind, you’re behind, and nobody outside of a paid professional in a coaching/therapeutic setting is going to be non-judgemental about that information. Why should you not be judgemental of yourself? To ignore those facts is to delude yourself in an attempt to be happier until reality kicks you in the face again.
I agree that usually most people around you ignore your problems when are that far behind or struggling. A good friend should not judge you if you're in that kind of position!
Well said
My therapist did that for me. My shame would “show itself” in the form of negative self-talk and general pessimism about my abilities/where I was in life. I would say things like, “I should’ve been doing more, I’m so behind, it doesn’t really matter what I do”. And she would point out that based on what I said, I actually made a lot of progress that day compared to the average day, and that I’m not actually behind in life, because a lot of people are in my position, and that even if I’m not where I want to be, that I have the power to get there because I’m making progress. I would find myself replacing my negative self-talk with her positive words in my head, and it’s helped me overcome really bad anxiety/depression issues that were keeping me from getting work done. My therapist made me realize that I always chose the “negative” way of seeing things which was actually keeping me behind, almost like a “black pill” type of mentality, which made me basically just give up mentally.
It seems to me that the term "judgmental" is doing too much work here.
I've spoken to coaches and therapists, and they've been "judgmental" in an impersonal, analytical way. They've been straightforward about my shortcomings, much the same way good employers are.
On the other hand, parents are "judgmental" in a personal toxic way. They're not analytical. They're not straightforward. The reason they're interested in your shortcomings is not because they are trying to achieve some goal. They're interested in your shortcomings only as ways to hurt you. They want reasons to beat you up, and once you get too big for them to beat you up physically, they use them as ammunition to hurt your feelings.
EDIT TO ADD: Perhaps I should clarify that when I use the phrase "doing too much work" what I mean is that there is a huge difference between being "judgmental" in an impersonal, analytical way the way coaches, therapists, and good employers are, and being "judgmental" in a personal, toxic way the way parents, bullies and bad employers are. A single term is being used where we really ought to have two.
You dont have to ignore the facts of your life, but you also don't have to feel shame, judgement, or anger towards yourselves for your faults. I spent my entire life shaming myself and honestly it just didn't help me change or feel better. It helped when I accepted the facts of my life and tried to reduce judgement towards myself. I still accept and am aware of my limitations, but I try to work with myself instead of fighting myself.
hello people
This gapped me.
people have strayed way too far from God Dr. K