Hi Ben, I'm Ben 🙂 I stumbled upon your channel a few days ago, and I can't pass up my namesake, so I've been listening. Your introspection is so great. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been happy with the way things are. If you're open to it, let me probe that wrinkly brain of yours. (If not, that's ok, you don't have to acknowledge.) I like how you said that _knowing your value_ can help with your people-pleasing tendencies. Sometimes, people-pleasing comes from trying to over-compensate for an insecurity that you might have. I think if you are able to pinpoint what your biggest _insecurities_ are, then this is the key to reworking your thoughts and behaviors. Think of an insecurity as a story that you might tell yourself. For example, my insecurities are: "I am unworthy. I do not belong. I am not enough." I might people-please by paying my friends' food bill to show my worth; by working extra hours to show that I belong to the team; by love-bombing and taking on extra chores to show my partner to show that I can be enough. The remedy is to spin the story: "I am worthy. I belong. I am enough." To go through your timeline and remind yourself of all the times that you were secure. It's like the job interview's STAR method. For example, "I am worthy of friendship because I was there for him during his breakup. I felt like I belonged at work when my boss congratulated me on my success. Whenever my partner and I do anything simple like take a walk down the street, I know that I am enough." Doesn't have to be narcissistic. Just re-wiring the bad thoughts into good ones. Hope this helps.
Hey Ben! Nice to meet you too! Thank you so much for a wonderfully thoughtful comment. Seriously appreciate the time you put into it and I love what you've said. It seems to me that the first step for taking that on board would be blocking out time for affirmations. Then later, work on consciously identifying these 'inadequate' thoughts and rewiring them as you suggest. Do you have any other suggestions for consciously rewiring this thought process? Seriously, thanks again Ben! All the best to you.
@@bennnyoung I'm glad you're open to it. I'll go into a bit more detail. It sounds like you are struggling with times of feeling inadequate. So, recall times when you did feel adequate. For example, remember that feeling of joy you had when you first found out you got into a great university. Or, a time when you made your mom and dad proud. Pick a couple examples for your arsenal. Write them down, and/or take a mental snapshot. Then, when something triggers your people-pleasing or your feeling of inadequacy: 1. Pull out your examples of adequacy from your mind. You are adequate. 2. Recognize your triggers. When xyz trigger happened, you felt inadequate, but in reality, this logic is flawed, because you are adequate. With a bit of practice, you'll get better and better at recognizing your triggers, and you'll rework your logic to dampen those negative emotions and hopefully remove the people-pleasing habits. Disclaimer, I'm no therapist. I did go through a lot of these struggles myself when I was in school. I've also studied a bit of counseling psychology over the past decade or so as a special interest. Hope this helps. P.S. Great work so far -- I look forward to seeing more videos from you, no matter how adequate you feel.
Hi Ben, I'm Ben 🙂 I stumbled upon your channel a few days ago, and I can't pass up my namesake, so I've been listening.
Your introspection is so great. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been happy with the way things are.
If you're open to it, let me probe that wrinkly brain of yours. (If not, that's ok, you don't have to acknowledge.)
I like how you said that _knowing your value_ can help with your people-pleasing tendencies. Sometimes, people-pleasing comes from trying to over-compensate for an insecurity that you might have. I think if you are able to pinpoint what your biggest _insecurities_ are, then this is the key to reworking your thoughts and behaviors.
Think of an insecurity as a story that you might tell yourself. For example, my insecurities are: "I am unworthy. I do not belong. I am not enough." I might people-please by paying my friends' food bill to show my worth; by working extra hours to show that I belong to the team; by love-bombing and taking on extra chores to show my partner to show that I can be enough.
The remedy is to spin the story: "I am worthy. I belong. I am enough." To go through your timeline and remind yourself of all the times that you were secure. It's like the job interview's STAR method. For example, "I am worthy of friendship because I was there for him during his breakup. I felt like I belonged at work when my boss congratulated me on my success. Whenever my partner and I do anything simple like take a walk down the street, I know that I am enough." Doesn't have to be narcissistic. Just re-wiring the bad thoughts into good ones.
Hope this helps.
Hey Ben! Nice to meet you too! Thank you so much for a wonderfully thoughtful comment. Seriously appreciate the time you put into it and I love what you've said.
It seems to me that the first step for taking that on board would be blocking out time for affirmations. Then later, work on consciously identifying these 'inadequate' thoughts and rewiring them as you suggest.
Do you have any other suggestions for consciously rewiring this thought process?
Seriously, thanks again Ben! All the best to you.
@@bennnyoung I'm glad you're open to it. I'll go into a bit more detail.
It sounds like you are struggling with times of feeling inadequate. So, recall times when you did feel adequate. For example, remember that feeling of joy you had when you first found out you got into a great university. Or, a time when you made your mom and dad proud. Pick a couple examples for your arsenal. Write them down, and/or take a mental snapshot.
Then, when something triggers your people-pleasing or your feeling of inadequacy: 1. Pull out your examples of adequacy from your mind. You are adequate. 2. Recognize your triggers. When xyz trigger happened, you felt inadequate, but in reality, this logic is flawed, because you are adequate.
With a bit of practice, you'll get better and better at recognizing your triggers, and you'll rework your logic to dampen those negative emotions and hopefully remove the people-pleasing habits.
Disclaimer, I'm no therapist. I did go through a lot of these struggles myself when I was in school. I've also studied a bit of counseling psychology over the past decade or so as a special interest.
Hope this helps.
P.S. Great work so far -- I look forward to seeing more videos from you, no matter how adequate you feel.
Fantastic, thank you Ben! I look forward to giving this some thought and integrating it into my life. All the best and take care!