The GOTCHA moment in the narcissistic relationship
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- Опубликовано: 24 июн 2024
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Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail.com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
If you ever see glee on the face of your partner,when you make an error,get out early. The meanness and contempt are life changing
They’ll literally run you ragged trying to earn their approval. Either you’re showing off or you’re incompetent in some way.
My mom kept saying I thought I was better than dhe was when I proudly answered or performed some task...@@majiksantos
@@majiksantosSo true! This is especially true of narcissists in the workplace. It's a nightmare. 😢
Omg.... this is so true. I remember in the beginning, we were not agreeing about the definition of something. I ran to the back room to grab my phone to look it up because I might be wrong and wanted to find out. I was ready to come back and say hey, you were right. I'm sorry. While I was in the back, he was looking it up to prove me wrong and when I came back with a smile saying "omg, I was wrong, you were right baby" he had it on the big screen TV with the most evil smile on his face and couldn't wait to tell me how stupid I was and that he won. My first instinct was to prove him right, his was to prove me wrong. I should have run them.
Now imagine it's your mother.
This is one of the reasons that toxic bosses micromanage everything. They want to find out your mistakes anyway.
Had a micro-manager control-freak over-hovering boss with trust issues...no wonder the office environment was tense, cold, devoid of team-playing, uncommunicative, unusual short-term probationary work-contract, [& the biggest 🚩red flag of all] with high-turnover -- had to leave, it was unsustainable to my mental health.
@d0v3Tai1 Our school kept having 20% turn over rate for 10 years. I never understood why til the principal freaked out AT me over something she took personally without letting me explain. This was even in front of students. After she left they were horrified grown school leader would get so over emotional and be so toxic
This comment that you left is so so true and great timing. I just got out of work. Boss has always been a pain, his moods change sporadically throughout the day.
I am a farmer and my boss just the other week called fire departments useless, except to clean your basement.
What does that saying even mean?!
The remay on the plants was about to fly onto the highway, possibly getting others hurt
Example 1^
Ive had my fare share of insanity with those bosses. They damaged my mind and body to the core. If only i knew then what i know now
@@bethocdunwitty6641typical- the worst.
When the leader pointed out my "mistake" in my previous job, I went DEEP with him immediately. I was confident I made no mistake. I remembered he had already shown a few red flags. 🚩🚩 I clearly understood he was gaslighting me. This is the GOTCHA moment on my own side. 😁
Eventually, I declined to renew the contract. 🏃💨💨
Narcissistic Personality Disorder means that your brain does not funtion properly.
But instead of focusing on their brains, they rather point out the flaws of others, ignoring the fact that their whole brain is a error.
Pointing out an error should be used to help the person improve that error, instead of giving the person that points out the error some sense of superiority.
Obviously, NPD still allows their brains to keep honing the skills of adult bullying. 🫤
Exactly right! ❤❤
They feel superiority from pointing out the error, because they feel shame if someone else points out one of their own errors. They think superiority is the purpose of correction, not help and improvement.
see: narcissistic parents who act like being a parent means getting to boss their kids around, rather than raise the child into adulthood.
"Gaslighting waterfall"
That's exactly what happens. You can't come up with a better term than this!
I've worked/lived with more than a few people who will ignore the hundreds of things you do right and the one innocent mistake you make they treat you like Mrs. O'Leary's cow and it's the Great Chicago Fire.
Once you leave or go on vacation or quit THEN they realize the hundreds of things you did do right (because no one else took care of those details but you.)
When I left such a place and kept in touch with a few ex-coworkers I found out how certain areas of my department fell into a state of disarray because nobody was competent enough or cared enough to do the tasks me and another coworker who quit before me would do so dilligently.
Two words: Karmic. Justice.
It was clearly your intervention that was holding things together. That karma claim stuff is very childish and might even lift the curse from them.
This is so spot on. In an effort to get through to my now ex (were married 37 years) I made a Gotcha game were he picked cards of his expressions and put downs and he had to read out his own insults to me. He got very angry. I also wore post it notes once with his put down and asked him to pick just one to never say to me again. Just one out of at least 30, regular abusive things he said. He got very angry. Mind you, this was me thinking his disrespectful abusive ways were "not knowing",or poor upbringing , job stress or some valid reason for his nasty mouth, etc. Of course his reaction of intense anger helped me realize HE had no shame or embarrassment, but knew he was doing it on purpose and did not care. It was then I began making plans in earnest to leave the marriage for good, took me almost ten years to have a fool proof plan and make sure my kids were out of harms way (about to be adults) . He of course was in shock, and could not accept that his lies, and all manner of verbal, financial and other abuses were the reason. I was his 3rd divorce.
I understand...
Hope he took his bread and stuffed it.
👏👏👏
THIS COMMENT!!!!!! They know exactly what they are doing.yesss exactly!!! I have thought about doing that stuff as well to make him realize his ways are hurting me badly !!!!I've tried all sorts of things !!!!exactly .I feel deeply about this comment because it's so relatable and know exactly that feeling !!!!! So validating
Been there, done that. Signed: Another Third Wife. (He had the fourth one lined up before the divorce was final).
Wow! My narcissistic EX used to correct my word pronunciation all the time in a devaluing way!
To me, I agree...with Dr. Ramani, Challah bread -- is open to various pronounciation interpretations & possibilities -- we're not mind-readers of various cultural-linguistic norms.
[For me, my first red-faced moment was in elementary school, when reading a passage out loud on Greek philosophy: "Socrates", [It was my first encounter with said philosopher. I thought it looked similar to SUCRETS, so guess how I pronounced it: ❌SOW-craights"🤪, instead of ✅SO-cruh-tees] -- the class laughed.🤣🤣🤣]
[Then, later, I'd pronounced other words correctly from the get-go: niche (neesh), ad hoc (ad HOCK), Porsche (POR-shuh)..only to hear so-called Harvard/Yale know-it-alls mispronounce them as: NITCH, ad HOAWKE, PORSH]...Whatever! SMH
@@d0v3Tai1 yes, it is easy to mispronounce words that initially are unfamiliar. Also, it may be challenging at times regardless of unfamiliarity.
To be corrected in a devaluing fashion is the importance in understanding that you are with a narcissist who wants you to feel less than.
finally I said I went to school and if he wants to teach
somebody something, get a teaching certification.
This is the main reason I’m too scared to ever attempt a “confrontation”, with my generally patchy memory and neurodivergence I’d be WAY too easy to “gotcha” and gaslight even further. Whenever there’s a risk of making things even worse for myself I tend to err on the side of caution 😐
Btw this just unlocked memories of numerous times I was laughed at for mispronunciations and I’d get mimicked ad nauseum. But I learned a while ago that mispronouncing words can actually be a sign of intelligence because it shows that you read the word somewhere rather than just overheard it so ✌️
Omg yes, neurodivergent people are SO much more at risk of getting narcissistic abuse. Especially the gotchas amd the gaslighting. My GOD we are already primed to accept that we are constantly messing up, being forgetful, missing the details, and so on. We are very willing to accept that it's definitely our fault and that we're just second class humans. The self obsessed abuser loves it. 😢
I find it helpful to write things down on paper before having a serious conversation. Make bullet points of the specific messages you want to convey or questions you want to ask and cross them off as you work through it. It's a lot less awkward doing this in a professional relationship than a personal one, but it's a way to have a somewhat structured conversation that can't be _entirely_ derailed by deflection.
❤❤❤❤❤
What’s fascinating is that they can be “team players” at work, but at home… straight up horrible. My ex fired a woman because she did not fawn over him & called him out on something - so I guess it’s part of the covert at work.. malignant at home balancing act ❤ gnarly!
I know people like this. They often don’t answer my msgs for days, leaving me hanging on important things. Yet if they send a msg and I don’t answer them right away, they send another msg asking if everything is ok. It’s so annoying. Reminding myself it’s not me. Finding safe places. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Yeah, and they don't care how you actually are (for real). They simply can't commit to invitations yet demand you answer them immediately and give them a def answer. They find ways to not follow thru exactly, such as hijacking the event or the day to their timetable or preferred activities, restaurant, etc. Rarely worth it. They are WORK and they will undermine you. They are masters at it and they don't like it when they are not in charge.
Yep! This is an endless thing with narcissistic people. They’ll take any chance to stall because it makes them feel powerful. Like oh you need this important info from me, so I’m gonna hold on to it for a bit. They want us to ask them again so they can act like we’re impatient or rude or something. It’s so ridiculous
I used to have a friend who would ask me the same thing. Like there was something wrong fir being quiet. Like I gad no right.
My boss has done this exact thing to me the last 3 years. Grrr
It's not you.
Once I was at the dinner table with my father, mother, and then-wife and we were talking about songs. At one point, I got a song title wrong and all three of the others jumped on the mistake just as you describe here. It shocked me.
I later came to realize that both my mother and wife are Ns and my dad was totally controlled by my mother so he mirrored her behavior a lot of the time. I wish I'd known about all this back then.
I clearly remember the last time I looked for approval from my narc dad. Sophomore year, took all honors classes--all As. So I showed him my report card. He zeroed in on the one "flaw'--the one S, not E, I got in trigonometry (I was the only sophomore in the class of junior honors students, and I also got the highest score. The teacher had just given an S to everyone since behavior just wasn't an issue in a class like that). Anyway, I thought it was the one occasion when I might safely toot my horn and get a pat on the back. But no. After that, I was done. When I went off to college, I never looked back. Never saw him again for the remainder of his miserable life--42 years. Btw, he wasn't some insecure, uneducated guy: he had 47 patents. He was just a narc.
As much as the separation from a parent can hurt, it's also a way for you to not move into adulthood with the narc parent keeping up the behavior; I applaud you for finding a way to stay away from your father's nasty ways of interaction
Good for you. He did that to himself, & he totally missed out on you. His loss, your gain 💪
@@NYbashaw3me too!!!
Wish I would have done something about it years ago.
My Manager set me & a known difficult colleague up to attend some training that was actually cancelled... they knew, it was a "gotcha".
Handed in my notice within weeks.
Also the "eat your words" gotcha - dating whirlwind romance, hubby actually offered to pay saying "its my turn to pay" I was fine to get the bill again and said "we don't take turns, just when we can - we will" ... oh I rue the day!! He never paid after that parroting "oh, we don't take turns do we".
Human reciprocity is an unknown entity to them, they are mean, calculating imps.
Well said, human reciprocity is unknown to them.
He is ALWAYS doing this - even if he's distorting the truth just to make himself feel bigger. It's unbelievable.
"Pettility/ Littleness is a very bad character trait"~ philosophy.
It ALWAYS occurs among wicked/ unjust people.
The intention is to humiliate/ devalue...
"It's a parent's job to embarrass their children." - My "dad"(3 wives, 2 children won't talk to him)
@@dakoderii4221 Words I’ve heard from my soon to be ex-husband. Feeling sorry for my soon to be 4 children.
Clinical anxiety is a deep pit of terror & hypervigilance, but narcissism is a bottomless pit of both. Narcissists never recognize the bottom much less hit it, never measure accurately how "deep in" they are, & they work hard to prevent anyone from recognizing that they are always falling, not flying. There's no limit to the fall, to the loss & shame they fear.
This definitely describes my brother. He loved to shame me and had this superior mocking laugh if I made a mistake. He would then would "love bomb" me. I got so addicted to his approval so he wouldn't mock me. It took getting into my 40s to realize how insanely toxic he is.
my whole 22 years of that "corrections." & those gotcha moments were so annoying l. I am so glad I no longer have to deal with that.
Dr Ramani, another type of gotcha moment when you admit to not knowing a fact and they respond by saying, " Well, you shouldn't talk about this issue if you don't know it! "
In my opinion, this is the time you should seriously consider exiting the relationship. It is a sign that they can't wait to do you in.
If someone chastises you for not knowing something, ask them to explain it to you. If they can't/won't, they probably don't have all that much knowledge on the subject.
@@Alex-js5lgnot necessarily, being able to absorb information vs able to recall and explain information are all completely different skills.
My gotcha moment comes w/everything I say. My opinions are wrong, my feelings are wrong. The only right one is himself, & how idiotic, moronic, & stupid everyone else is compared to him. Apparently, I know nothing about anything, & everything because I don’t ever know what I’m talking about. It’s gotten so bad, that I can’t even ask him to not do something for me like yell @ me. Now, all of a sudden because I asked something from him, I’m now evil, unloving, & mean & nasty to him. I always need to be loving & kind @ all times to him. Whatever I say or ask just doesn’t matter to him.
@@carlyk502
That's beyond frustration.
I have a family member who does this and I can’t stand it. He’s always correcting people, even on social media. I honestly think it makes him look pathetic and it’s embarrassing. An ex of mine did this too, I couldn’t do anything right. It was awful. A good reminder to not be this way myself and give myself lots of grace for ‘mistakes’. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
My “best friend” brings up things I’ve done wrong even if it happened over 25 years ago for no reason except to shoot me down. Start dating a guy whose into cars? “Remember that time in driving school you ran over that big rock and scratched up the teachers car?!? I’m implying she is still a bad driver.”🤨
Narc boss tried to have me performance managed by secretly changing the font size by half a point (Calibri 10.5 rather than 11) in one small paragraph by half a point in a massive (several hundred page) document and asking me to final proof the doc for formatting. When I, predictably, missed the correction she hauled me into her office, took a piece out of me and then raised the issue again in a performance review as a reason to be performance managed - she had nothing else on me. Aside from me scoffing at her, the reason she backed down on the performance management was because I had a union rep in the review with me. Left that job as fast as I could.
Yes... they premeditatively set you up... and/or sabotage you to fail. 🚩🚩🚩
That's *wild.* Wow 😱
I’m so glad I have this space. I don’t know whether to laugh cry or keep shaking my head. The dialog you repeat, Dr. R. is so dead on its spooky. After years of thinking it’s me 😂 I’m alone feeling this. My mouth still drops open when you nail it. Word. For. Word. ❤
So sorry you are feeling alone. I think thats what this kind of behavior does to you. I’m working through feelings of isolation too.
I am so grateful I have never and I don't now, live with a narcissist and have been able to distance myself from the ones I've encountered. The ones I have had to deal with have also made me feel grateful that I was not them, even with being at the receiving end temporarily, of their abuse. Because they can't be accountable for their own mistakes, they have to blame and make things EQUIVALENT, which are completely not so. This way, if you are not perfect one time, that erases the multitude of abuses that they can't, and won't take responsibility for. What a soul-twisted and soul-twisting way for a human being to live!
My narcissistic ex and I actually went to couples therapy while we were still married (what a mistake) and the therapist saw that I was miserable in constant gotcha moments (although that's the time I worked so hard to be the "perfect" wife and mom). She suggested we go home and every day write down just 1 good thing about the other. My then husband flat out said "I can't do compliments. I just don't." In retrospect I'm amazed at how pathetically entitled he was and so oblivious to the fact that his behavior was just unacceptable and obnoxious. I guess his father was even worse so for him it was just how a man is supposed to be. He did a LOT more terrible stuff but I'll spare you guys my tale of woe.. I'm still feeling like a fraction of the happy and confident person I used to be but I'm working on it. lots of love to everyone here. We'll be ok❤
Yes you will❤yes WE will!
Yes, I had stopped texting completely because the only responses were coming from things important to him.
I've noticed as soon as he has started talking again I am falling back into accounting for my time. He really isn't interested, he just gets that boost or me being accountable.
I'm very thankful for this explanation of the Gotcha-Pattern, which I experienced many times as I still lived with my Ex! Once it was so humiliating that I confronted him after work becsuse he made me feel awful in front of his patients although I hadn't done anything wrong. At that time he had convinced me to quit my job and "colaborate" in his own practice... what ended in a disaster because then I realized what was going on for many years. He had many patients that were in love with him and he needed them as extra narc-supply, otherwise he wouldn't have kept so many lovecards, letters and gifts as trophees😢. Now I feel safe and far away from his tricks to try to keep me under his control.
The narcissistic gotcha thing I'm thinking is based on a narcissistic perceptual problem in terms of relating.
I am a scholar by nature, grew in a town/area with multiple colleges and universities, and I am in the "English wing" of any school I am in, so I admit I am guilty of being a corrector, but I know that I don't come from a toxic or revenge-y place with it, more like "I like to be corrected so I can keep learning and maybe you do, too?" All this to say that growing up where I did it took me a L-O-N-G time to see how many cerebral-oriented narcissist types that were all around me. As I traveled more into other areas, other countries and learning about all this stuff, I finally see it. I am still me but learning so much about how to offer learning to others without sounding like the arrogant version that I was surrounded by all my young life.
Thanks for making the effort. Having grown up the son of a "professional educator with a Master's degree," I understand. We're both lucky that we decided to invest ourselves in a life rich with learning, and not belittling others for missteps in grammar, lack of information, etc.
Good luck with your journey 👍😎
It's a fine line, isn't it. I spent 2 decades correcting college student's papers. It can literally hurt when someone (I know well) continuously mispronounces a basic word. For me just being light about it helps, & making sure the other person knows I want to learn & know when I'm getting something wrong. But in general, no, I'd never go around 'correcting' people for minor bullshit. That's so annoying & unnecessary.
I love Dr. Ramani!! She is heaven sent!! I love the "its not you" that is so right on point! I was surrounded with these personality types my whole life! If it wasn't for my father who taught me how to love myself & protect myself. Idk where I would be. He died when I was 9yrs, unfortunately for me. But I held onto his teachings. My mother, her whole family, my EX: best friend & husband. Have this personality. I keep a far distance from all of them. I'm still in contact with them (Except the ex best friend) but I keep them at bay. Although they can "infect" me from time to time. People like Dr.Ramani makes us feel like we are not alone & we are not the crazy ones & we deserve to feel, strong, inpowered & motivated to live wonderful beautiful thriving lives!! Sending many blessings to everyone in these communities! I support you! One love from an Art teacher trying her best in New York!!🥳🥳🤗🤗
Interesting video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Time heals. You just have to go through it ❤ feel for you…! It will make you stronger, but now it hurts like nothing else. ❤
Spot on. When the gotcha happens remember, it’s not you, it’s the narcissist! !!
Both the two narcissists and sadistic people did that when they caused an accident for me physically and when my little dog got hurt and eventually passed away. I got that smirk and ahh ha towards me. Every word you just said is on point.
At one point in my workplace, I was in a position where I was the only fully trained employee and had three new employees hired within a short span to begin working in my office. (Thank you covid vaccine mandates for unnecessarily firing trained healthcare staff 🤬) I work part time for a specialist medical clinic. I trained as much as I could in addition to trying to keep up with my regular work. These three people were largely unreceptive to training and then were defensive and hostile when approached with mistakes that needed to be corrected. My manager was also a toxic person who cared more about controlling people and getting revenge on those who he felt slighted by. My coworkers and my manager were practically giddy when pointing out any mistakes that I made. This only intensified my perfectionism. It was a nightmare. I’m still dealing with stress induced anxiety and bodily trauma from that time.
sometimes music is the only medicine the heart and soul need!
toxic correctors! exactly.
Yes! My parents got so excited when they had an opportunity to shame me, and sometimes literally punish me, for a rare small human mistake. They hated that I was ‘so perfect’ but forced me to be that way. The hyper vigilance caused extreme allergies and autoimmune disease
That’s my husband. Just two days ago we took my grandson to the science center. It was very crowded. We were waiting for our turn at a booth and I did not see another lady waiting on the other side. My grandson is 4, he jumped up and took a seat, she got upset and my husband loudly admonished me in front of everyone. When I explained I honestly didn’t see her he still could not voice understanding. The lady left so I couldn’t apologize but I couldn’t worry about it either. He’s very difficult in public, argumentative and negative. He uses me as a sound board to make negative statements, he’s really not talking to me.
Never explain yourself. If you are outside and he start this and that completely stay calm and focus on what you want to do. Remember, you are an adult woman,whatever he said you imagine a 4-year-old child saying. His intention is to make you feel shame, to show emotion. Because it feeds on it.
@@selmasvast9911 exactly, I’m doing radical acceptance now. It does no good to confront him because he will gaslight or dismiss. It will not change because it’s about dominance, control or shame.
The more I watch your videos, the more I recognize my mother. In this video, it was word by word.
My mother and father in law do this. It is so annoying. But it certainly motivates me to abandon them in old age.
It’s an established fact that they don’t change, but they can cut their BS in half at very least, if you swop down onto them at their gotcha moments and make many witty jokes about them. They don’t like to be mocked. It works. It feels like a consistent whip lashing, if you try to prompt them to cut down their BS at least in half, but it works. And the humor is the most joyful way for such a rabid dogs’ behavioral training.
Rabid dogs so true!
Great point.
This is like a chronicle of my last 22 years in my marriage.
Mines pretend they know more about my job than I do. They don’t work at the same company as me and they don’t work in the same kind of field they just happen to overhear my calls at work. If I make a mistake at work they act as if they knew the correct answer or procedures the whole time and I’m just dumb. They love to say “you know…” as if to call me out as someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about. And if I’m right they take credit as if they gave me the answer. I work from home and they tell people that they are assisting me. My job required 3 months of training. They’ve never done this type of job. Basically anything I did correctly gets attributed to their “assistance” and every mistake I make gets harshly judged as a part of my incompetency. They’ve even gone as far as to spread rumors that I am mentally unable to live without their assistance. As if I am mentally handicapped. I absolutely loathe them.
Just got out of a 45 year abusive relationship and my ex’s go to was “you can’t be told” or “you can’t be spoken to”. So like the good little empath that I was I came to believe it was me and I should listen so I can improve.
His voice still comes and haunts me when I pick myself up from making a mistake. Will that voice ever stop??? It just churns my stomach.
Oh my goodness. Even now and it’s been years since I interacted with them I hear the criticism and mocking when I make the tiniest of mistakes.
And whenever I’m doing something outside for example hanging out the washing, I can hear them ‘that’s not how you hang shirts/trousers/ towels….. it’s just constant. I wonder if it will ever go away.
Does anyone else have this?
I’ve heard it so much for so long.
Brilliant call Dr Ramani ❤
in a manner...our Narcissists flying monkeys repeat parts of our conversations. A sentence here and there. It's how we knew the Narcissists have been in the neighborhood.
My narcissistic husband doesn’t do it exactly that way
He gets his kicks off of over annunciating (honestly I don’t know if I’m using the right word there lol ) words he thinks other people can’t pronounce, or that he alone and knows the correct pronunciation and wants to correct them on it, and then making a big deal about. “Did you know that word do you know what that word means? This is how you actually pronounce it. “
And in conversations using words that he thinks people don’t know the meaning of (but context usually spells it out pretty clearly) and then saying, “do you know what that word I used meant ?”
The sad thing is he really thinks it makes him look so intelligent, but everyone just rolls their eyes and feels super awkward about how stupid he looks
Then I think he’s disappointed when people aren’t ohhhh-ing and ahhh-ing oh that’s how you pronounce it! Where did you learn how to pronounce it? Oh, you have such wonderful diction!
And then he’s gonna try and talk about how every single time he comes across a word he doesn’t understand in a book he goes and looks it up in the dictionary because he never wants to read a word he doesn’t understand….
But that’s what most people do and he’s not most people because he is curious he is such a curious person and he always wants to know more…
Gag!!!!
Brilliant. I rarely use a taxi, and once this jerk driver did a Setup Gotcha. He baited me with specific questions, then said something dismissive when I didn't answer like he wanted. I looked in the rear view and he had that cat that ate the canary smirk. Ignored him after that. Jerk!
There's nothing my partner loves and lives for MORE than to watch for any tiny error so he can deliver a punitive punishment. It's so bad even his friends see him do it to me. The glee and exhilaration he exhibits is like a child at Christmas. Even better if he can humiliate and shame me in front of people but his ULTIMATE narcissistic hit is when he does it to me in public.
Then he gets upset that I am suicidal. Can't win.
I really hope you can escape this situation & don't end up losing your life over it. You deserve far better, seriously ❤
There is no victory there and it is tiring. In this situation to separate from him. So when he starts you separate from him. Start talking about the weather with someone else. The goal is not to win, but to remain calm. This relationship destroys not you as a person but your spirit.
So sorry you feel that way. Just remember making mistakes is human. It happens. Remember you are not alone. “It’s NotYou”.
I used to try so hard to gain my covert narc mom's approval before i knew what she was. My sister and i used to clean the entire house before she'd get home from work. We'd work so hard. And she'd always find the one spot we missed. With glee, telling us we don't know how to clean, she cleaned so much better when she did it, etc. It was so sad. Left us feeling so deflated and unappreciated.
After weathering many moments of this type, it shapes how I respond, I do not answer unless I am 100% certain it is the correct response that can be empyrically proven. Though after I lost the fear, I started calling out their mistakes and was constantly amazed at the lies they would come up with to try and explain it instead of just admitting they didn't know was almost amusing.
This is exactly how my relationship was with my ex ( my kids' dad ). The relationship with my daughter is the same way . Our relationship is irretrievably broken, and we are no contact.
Me too with my daughter unfortunately.
Same with my ex. I divorced him, am happy with my second husband but my daughter is like her dad, a true narcissist. She takes so much pleasure in correcting me or my husband over the littlest things. It’s so demeaning! We are close to distancing at this point.
My partner of 5yrs is a quiet man. Has never yelled or raised a hand. But he also never talks emotions. What he does instead is if I say something that's wrong or do something in a wrong way, he won't say "oh, 'such n such word' is said this way" etc. No, he gives his look (can't explain it). Then at some time down the road...hrs, days, weeks, mths... he tells me I was wrong way back then. And it's said like a gotcha moment. So now, I'm always on edge. After all these yrs, I watch his expressions, as he isn't a talker of emotions and he never says he's sorry unless I ask him to. He won't acknowledge if his actions are ever hurtful, and it seems like I don't remember situations the way it happened, or so he says. But, he has never hit me, yelled at me and he is usually quite kind. Tho, he does love to talk about all he has done in his life, and he's always done whatever I'm talking about. He doesn't like if I've done the sport (or whatever it is) that he's talking about. He goes quiet. I'm always on edge, nervous. But I keep telling myself he's nice. I'm so lost Dr. Ramani 😢
Sounds like you have a clear overview of who you're dealing with.
This is so spot on. My ex pointed out when I accidentally used the wrong word to express my feelings and focused only on that and nothing else (I tried to follow non violent communication, use I statements etc.. but sometimes in the moment of distress I didn't do it perfectly and eg slip in a word "never". And he just focused solely on that, because one is not supposed to use the word never, and he absolutely dismissed what I tried to share the best I could. Of course he never appreciated all the other times (majority of times) I formulated everything correctly and calmly according to the communication rules and he never bothered to actually follow them himself. Even though I worked on my communication for years, read many books, wrote things down, did my best to communicate clearly, expressing my needs and emotions in a non accusatory way etc, it was never good enough, he always found some problem with it and then made that the focus of the conversation (and even now, I used never and always and he would point it out and focus on that, regardless of the fact that it is actually true, but some communication rule is that you just shouldn't use these words..)
He would also focus on every time I forgot something and be like - see you don't remember this so your memory is not reliable as well. He has a horrible memory, was drinking a lot and often didn't remember many hours of what happened. He didn't remember our entire conversations and interactions and argued that he never said that, that it never happened etc. But I was not entitled to forget anything ever, it was really a gotcha moment for him if I did.
Once again, it's like you live next door & hear all what's going on in my house. The shaming gotchas are even worse when you've grown up in a family where you can't do anything right. Those tapes play in your head over & over until you believe them. I'm currently working to silence those voices, but it's been ingrained in me for a very long time that I'm an incompetent screw up. There's a pettiness to the narcissist that they will kerp score, waiting until the moment they can turn your words or actions back on you, even for the tiniest perceived slight against them. They revel in that! They carry that scorecard around for years!
Yes they do its amazing that they can remember the scorecard, but not anything important to you!
It is pathetic, sad, and really deep down sick when neighbors listen into your life because the Narcissists have employed(bribed/incentivized) them as their flying monkeys, isn't it?!
@@LakeishaMoniquewell said! 😂 mine forgot my birthday two years in a row. Me, forget his? Ha.
They keep score of everything because every little bit of your self esteem feeds their overly inflated egos. The feed on every crumb. We have to remember who we are outside of the narcissist’s judgments because they won’t stop until they feel they’ve completely demoralized you.
so get that. I think I've heard that to silence their negative voice you can " tape" over it with truth statements, grace statements. Idk, I need to work on it myself. Had to immediatly click on this video because the " gotcha" is SUCH a huge part of this in my life, like a score or win.
My narcissistic sibling and I, we were having a huge argument. My sibling pointed out that I had forgotten their daughter's birthday, and THEY got so enraged it was surreal. I was thinking to myself, "If my niece is really that upset over me not wishing her a happy birthday, don't you think it's more relevant for HER to take it up with ME, not YOU? I didn't know it was HER birthday after all, not YOURS, plus my niece is an ADULT."
😂My word was Chai when encountering it for the first time at a fancy restaurant for lunch. The narcissistic queen bees and ladies in the group sat there laughing & making snide remarks when I got it wrong.
My former boss (extremely entitled to do as she pleased) preferred to sit around watching Netflix on computer in the office while I worked and sit around gossiping with leadership at church rather than do work. Then she'd go around blaming others under her authority for ANY and All mistakes. Would constantly remind people there's no I in team and went around stating that anyone who didn't do as her bosses wanted weren't "team players". Even if what they wanted was illegal or immoral!😐
This video has a deep resonance and makes me think of how I became known at work and among friends as the prepared, go-to person for items like bandages, tampons, pens, or paper. I learned to be prepared in my family, to try to protect myself from yet another "gotcha" moment. Being prepared made me useful to others, and it made me appear competent. Some of my behavior patterns have revealed themselves as more defensive than expressive of my actual personality.
I knew a narc who shamed everyone for everything. I got her once on a word she didn’t know & gave her a taste of her own medicine & of course she went nuts & ‘poor me’ 🤮
Daily in my life...... Yet, he insists on my tagging along, so that i can help him in dr appointments....... My memory is only good when he says it is ........
Yup I also got that in the work place after my work was sabotaged and made to look like I was making the mistakes.
They will often pull a Gaslighting "Gotchya" set-up by creating a scenario for a quick supply hit whereby you were never there, said that, signed that, etc. They'll have no problem forging your name on documents. "See, you should never, ever sign anything if you can't honor that commitment." You're thinking what/when did I sign that? Meanwhile, that will become the narc's contempt for life mantra to exploit to you, friends, & family.
Have you noticed its always the boring critics who are safely seated on the sidelines while heroes take the risks of failure that lead to success? Nitpicky negative people do not deserve your time or attention for one more second.
"You got his messages, you read his messages, you deleted his messages before you came home. I asked you if you heard from him recently, and you said no. How is this not an affair!"
"I guess we just can't agree on what an affair is."
Wow. Just, WOW.
Wow. This describes the 1st 18 yrs of my life. And because of that, I learned to be a "gotcha"person, too. Not pretty, not nice. 2 yrs ago, at age 66, I finally woke up to what narcissism is after a vicious exchange with the narc in my family, and I went no-contact. Since then, I've been peeling the layers of copycat narc behaviours from my life. It's humiliating to become aware of how disrespectful I have been, to others AND myself, over the decades due to the narc environment of my upbringing and continued family relations. However, as I traverse this healing path, it is also touching and beautiful to meet, and to BE, this caring non-narc soul as the layers of armor and family-adopted mannerisms fall away. I'm discovering a person that I would love to know!
I could be your twin. It can only get better.
I think there is something to be said for radical humility and an indifference to mistakes. "Oh it's pronounced Halla bread, never would have guessed that, good to know hahaha" "Completely forgot, thats what I get for not putting it in my calendar" "Oh, interesting"
My attitude towards my mistakes (curious indifference) or gaps in my knowledge (enthusiastic acknowledgement) have the side effect of zapping the fun out of goading me.
I have adhd & have build some HEFT tools to organize, document, and conduct my life. The tools were so hefty, Im able to do a team's worth of work by myself. Yes, things will slip through the cracks, that's the nature of life. Im smart & curious, so I know a lot about everything. I know enough to know Ive barely nicked the surface of all there is to know. The things I don't know would fill cathedral size libraries. Pointing out my shortcomings is like proclaiming in shock that the sky is blue
The only thing Ill be wondering is if you are alright or have a head injury
I knew that my mom was setting me up for failure now that I'm older. She sent me off to college during my first depressive episode. Didn't set up therapy or anything. Just sent me off in the wilderness. Im so angry with her. Now i have this irrational fear surrounded around going back to school
Yep, they relish in others mistakes and “toxic correctors”. I work at a place where the person uses a logbook to write about any petty mistake her targets make. Meanwhile she could spend time focusing on her own mistakes as she makes plenty. She loves shaming but she watches soap operas in most of the shift. She loves pointing out her targets mistakes. She is cagey enough to not act that way with owners and manager. She never admits to her own mistakes even when she damaged guests property.
Excellent video. It absolutely speaks to the many cringey gotcha moments I’ve experienced with my covert narcissistic mother. Thank you for putting it in perspective and reminding us that it’s THEIR tic, not ours.
Experienced this a lot with a former manager. Couldn't forgive the smallest mistake and always made me feel incompetent.
this brings back so many memories , i still can remember the attacks, playing with my words in different context , and than the smirk
That was my relationship with my mum, my cousin, bosses and my ex. It’s one of the narcissistic fleas that I consciously am shaking off. Thank you for this 😊
Spot-on here regarding narc parent behavior. Narc parents don't take care of _their_ affairs, but then when their child _(the only one doing so of three)_ steps up to assist them, they find all sorts of things to complain of...or, they'll point out just that one random detail that was accidentally overlooked. All-the-while, no recognition or gratitude...instead, a lifetime of exploitation by the one whose responsibility it was to strengthen you.
My Ex's way of trying to get me was to 'Wird Salad' me then switch suddenkt from one cycle of abuse to another. I could literally feel my head swimming with senseless information. 🍒
The way I combat the "Gotcha" is that I am transparent (to a degree) and I lead with honesty. Everyone knows that this is toxic to the narcissist. They wrangle, blame, shame, look for any and all errors on your part and cannot take responsibility. So long as you are honest within yourself and transparent in your actions, they might say, "GOTCHA" but what have they Gotchan'd? Not much at all. And you can always respond by shrugging and saying, "Easy come easy go."
I can't tell you how many gotcha's that I've experienced but I'm so happy I have a name for it. :)
My husband is going through this right now with a boss. Sending my hubby this video.
My brother got picked on like this all the time from my mother. He didn't know how to pronounce certain words, and when he'd try to speak up and show off how smart he was, which he still does to this day, my mother cackled at him and told everyone around in a loud, mocking voice that he'd gotten it wrong. Then whenever that particular word came up in conversation, she'd mock him all over again. He was a kid. Of course he didn't know. It's not like our stupid parents tried to teach us or guide us at all. Mistakes were treated like personal moral failures, and my mother used them to prop herself up at a child's expense. Gross. She thought that crap was hilarious. I remember feeling sorry for him because he had zero self esteem and confidence. I on the other hand was learning as much as I could so I could be perfect and the ridicule and derision would not befall me. I didn't want my mother or my father to make fun of me the way they taunted and tormented my brother.
As Dr Ramani was speaking, I could hear my mother in these examples. She very much is the gotcha narc, and wouldn't you know to this day she hasn't changed a bit. So sad.
Thanks, Dr. Ramani. Internet fist bumps to all you survivors.
I grew up with a narcissist mother and now have a narcissist husband. I know how difficult it can be trying to be perfect. They won’t let you forget the mistakes you make. Sorry you and your brother had to go through that.
I had spent the entire day cleaning the house. My daughter heard the garage door open and ran out to greet her father. Then she ran back in the house and tracked in a small dried leaf. He walked in, looked at the leaf and said, "Looks like you missed something" then picked up the leaf and laughed. Then he made a comment that no matter how hard I tried, he'd always spot the flaw.
LOVE YOU DR DR RAMANI
If a narc makes a mistake, they go silent and avoid.
Right, like what just happened didn't happen. It's eerie.
This is so true. It is miserable.
"Toxic Corrector" -- Absolutely
I made the mistake of complaining about something on Facebook. Now I’m worried that my family members will see my mistake and take revenge. Probably paranoid but you never know
I suggest change your settings on your Facebook account so the certain family members cannot read your posts or replys. I believe the settings are through the profile pic. Click that & then a menu of choices for various areas such as posts & replys can be changed to a limited audience. If you're in a private group, ask the moderator if posts can be seen by others outside that group. If you post on your own wall, you can limit who sees it; click on the : dots next to the area you post & set it so the people you don't want to see the post can't. Even if they're 'Facebook friends'. I hope these help!
@@NYbashaw3 thanks ☺️
For me during my 18yr relationship, the gotcha moment caused me to horrifically gaslight myself, knowing I failed to keep every single thing perfect. Even a simple task even if he said i didnt have to do it as he would. The humiliation from him and myself was abhorrent and nauseating.
Run when they tell you, "I have to prove you wrong." I didn't, I was so stunned that anyone could even think or feel that way. I'm paying for it now, 2 years and 50k in attorneys fees with no end in sight...
Your videos are always so relatable. Thank you Dr. 🌻
Very good video and subject, @Dr.Ramani. This is all so true. I've been going through this shaming for almost 4 decades. I've had to beg people not to let my husband know of my mistakes because I know I'll never hear the end of it. This is just one more characteristic of a Narcissist that I never knew had a name.
"Gaslighting waterfall" ...I love that dr ramani
Oh lord so true. I work with someone like this. I did a promo change (sale prices) all alone and normally everyone forgets one or two things and we just quietly fix it for the other person. Oh no, not this girl. She asked me "so... how confident are you that you got everything? Do i need to check?" And i said "well, i might've missed one thing but i think i did okay." I wasnt even at work and this girl texts me at home "just so you know, you missed two things. But i fixed them." Ugh. But i know how to deal with narcissistic people as i live with a covert narc mom. I just said "oh, thank you so much for taking the time to check and fix my mistake."
It's unfortunate that most of us forget a simple tactic when dealing with uncertainty - climb a tree and wait until morning.
Years back, I was told a story of a soldier who found themselves in the dark of a heavily vegetated area behind enemy lines. He wasn't sure of where he was. He wasn't sure of where They were. He wasn't sure about any larger animals possibly in the vicinity. He was sure he need to get out of sight, he needed to rest, and he needed to sit tight until the situation changed and he could get better intel.
So, he climbed a tree and waited until morning.
The real problem is that they aren't willing to step up when something is urgent, even if they've insisted they want to be the one to get you whatever you need to go.
Someone that actually cares will reach out to another person to cover.
Usually, there's such a history of verbal abuse and gaslighting, that you don't want to ask for anything
It’s all about intentionality
Wow this describes my experience at work the last 3 years. I hadn't realized so much of it was this narcissistic "gotcha!". Like almost every example given is what happens. No wonder I've gotten so frustrated and angry when it continally happens, but I didn't have a name for it or fully able to explain what bothered me so much.
Sometimes, you’ll need to note those moments, that they’re a cause for pause for you. They sting.
I got that, when my mother and I were in a restaurant and she started making fun of my nose. It was a departure from who I’d see her be and it was not a “laughing together” moment. She wanted to mock me and she wanted to make me feel bad or at least less than I am.
Also with a “friend” who I won’t miss. We were sitting in a restaurant and she made a derogatory comment about my hair. So, I could see, that she more was looking for what she could, to pick me apart, than to enjoy the company and food.
But, you’ll always find this, with miserable people, some of whom are also jealous. And those little gotcha comments, cover a whole lotta hatred of you and, the longer that relationship gets and the more they keep testing, to see what you’ll put up with, the worse it’ll get, until you come to terms with the fact, that you’re just in an old fashioned abusive relationship.
It's as if they've been smugly waiting for their moment to put you in your place and make you squirm. Seems like a red flag situation, rather than one that justifies giving any 'benefit of the doubt'.
It seems like a projection of their shame. They anxiously wait to ambush ANYTHING less than perfection. Their poor children grow up with horrible low self esteem OR emulate their parents.
This one individual tried for an open public gotcha shame grab in a group setting a few weeks ago - and it backfired because the vast ocean of stoic understand hath been drained dry, I have nothing to feel ashamed of, and IDGAF any more. I openly referenced The Event that started off this schtshow of the last 6 years in the first place - right before their own allies/audience who were unaware of The Event.
I've had enough of this scht.
TFG they finally STFU because I was ready to get into specifics.
Did I mention IDGAF?
If they want to be revealled as a predator-apologist and abuse-advocate then I will oblige them.
Two weeks later and I am still bouncing between enraged, disbelief, and grief-stricken.
Sometimes, I miss being able to switch off my acknowledgement to pain.
And then, I remember how sweeping it under the rug has just led to a trip-&-stumble hazard that I can't seem to skirt around any more.
Plus side, I finally understand that I have more influence on other people's outcomes than I have on my own, and will never have control over how other people perceive me.
WooHoo, less pressure on me to be perfect!!
In the afterlife room of the porridge pot, and the absurdly long handled spoons stuck to our one free arm, I'm going to feed other people.
As always, of course, breathtakingly beautiful analysis/dissection
There is one more wierd thing they do, they dont like if we try to be nice, like wishing them on their birthday, inviting them, cook something for them. I think they feel they feel ashamed to thank us for doing something good.
Whenever I tried to help the narcissist or do something for them backfired. Either I have to make it look like I have nothing else to do, or it is my own need.
My gotcha moments.
Correcting me mockingly when I spoke Spanish.
When I ran races, mocked that I didn’t run to win.
Will always have negative comments with my food. Or would look in the pot then walk away not eat. I have a hang up with my cooking to this day. Many ppl enjoy my food think I’m cray when I say he found fault with my food.
Dude even would have his female relatives cook food to take to work in the holidays. Smh