I'm glad my wife gave me a chance. I was protestant and pro-choice when we met and when we married. Fast forward a few years, I am a strong pro-life Catholic! Have 2 kids and a great family.
Happy for you brother. I was raised protestant. I am pursuing a practicing catholic woman and am doing my best to learn and work through all of this. I have never really been taught any of this. I feel like I have been misled about catholicism my entire life.
That can certainly happen though I think I would hold off on marriage until someone did change their mind on certain issues. Thankfully I’m already married and am now considering converting to Catholicism after my husband mentioned wanting to “revert” (both got married as Lutherans). It’s been interesting, though I’m not sure my values have really changed; I’ve just become much more convinced of their importance.
Here are some red flags for me: ----you have negative gut feelings ----you don't feel safe with the person ----you can't communicate with the person ----the person verbally abuses you ----the person sexually abuses you ----you don't feel excited to see the person ---you feel as though you are forcing a relationship with this person and/or settling ---if you ask yourself honestly if you can see a future with them, and the answer that comes to your mind is dread ----you feel more stressed or exhausted than happy when with the person ----the person criticizes you often and/or complains about stuff about you ---when you ask the person a question, and the answer is unsatisfactory for you ----you are often questioning your feelings or the other person's feelings ----the person is disrespectful towards you ----the person won't allow you to be yourself and tries to change you ---you feel afraid of the person ----you have a nagging feeling that something isn't right ---you have strong urges to be with other people ----the person's flaws bother you way too much
Absolutely do NOT think about "fixing" anyone else! There is a good rule to consider. Imagine a sticker that says "as is" on their forehead. Think of it the other way as well. If someone was interested in you, but there were things the other person was thinking they will change about YOU as things move along, that would be a big deal later on. "Hey, this is something important about myself. Why did you get into this relationship thinking I was going to change that?" Also, be very, very aware that there is a massive rise in emotional disorders like Narcissism. Do some research on traits to watch for and if you clearly see them, as the video says, TRUST YOUR GUT! This is a very, very destructive and harmful personality disorder that you do not want in your life. And they target kind, relatively compliant, helpful, patient, passive people. Pray for them for God's mercy and grace in their lives, but especially do NOT think they will change with just enough love and patience.
I remember having a list of girls i know and like and trying which one i would like to take seriously. I ended up marrying non in the list. But i'm glad God guided me and married a Catholic woman. Please marry a person who is catholic. They may be under elementary in their faith, but the faith in God grows overtime.
Marrying a Catholic person is ideal, of course. But it's not a warranty that this person will keep the faith during the journey. I've known Catholics who lost their faith during the marriage, and gave bad examples to their children because of inconsistency. While there are people of good will, respectful to the faith of their spouse even if they don't have it, who are a beneficial presence as husband/wife and as parents; and maybe the faith of their spouse will drive them to God. Maybe He could have other plans, maybe he could tell the right person for us isn't necessarily Catholic. That's just my opinion by the way
@@dropoceanThere are also saints who were married but lost their spouses or their spouse was not of the the faith and were converted by them. God still took those plans and used them for good. Bottom line is that it’s just not going to work out if we leave God out of everything we do and ignore Him, especially relationships.
Another Catholic is ideal and most encouraged but as far as I know someone of another Christian denomination or marrying a Jew or Muslim is still permissible. It’s marrying a non believer that’s not allowed as far as I know.
@@tigernotwoods914 No man. The Church absolutely forbade marrying a Protestant for hundreds of years, much less a heathen. 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Bear not the yoke with unbelievers. For what participation hath justice with injustice? Or what fellowship hath light with darkness?" If you "marry" a heathen, you are not even sacramentally married (Matrimony).
sometimes red flags are easy to miss, because of the trauma bond. be aware of what trauma bonding is….it's like a train wreck that you run back to repair, because you think it was your fault.
I suffer from anxiety, too. All I can say is don't give up. I did, and I regret it. Don't ever give up, and don't be afraid to talk about it to family and friends.
I was on Catholic Match and was under the assumption that this person I went on two dates with went to mass every Sunday. He didn’t go for nearly a year. Unfortunately, that was a deal breaker.
@@stutterstudios4731Please help. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm a software engineer, video games developer, and I haven't been to mass for so long, talk less of confession. I've tried severally to do what's right, but if it's not work, it's tiredness (I desperately need rest)
Yes, sites like Catholic Match are NOT necessarily only featuring practicing Catholics and some are there because they are looking for easier targets... patient, kind, forgiving... that's a prime target for a user. Wise as foxes gentle as doves.
It's good to see the red flags in you and the red flags of others. That's wisdom and integrity. So many people deny their flaws it's like they can't even see it or don't care.
3:32 a difficult thing for guys at first, but it grows with time and experience. We arent wired or trained to hear / understand our gut. Plus we usually allow ourself to be blinded and deafend (is that w word) by physical attraction. However, that fog clears out ...over time. This is where its essential to have sisters, mom, friends that are girls etc... who you can get advice and feedback from. (& vice versa) Theyll see things you wont. Women are complex and play the angles and guys are simple and play straight lines. (usually).
The gut feeling is real! I once went on a couple dates with a guy I met online who invited me to his house for dinner for the third date within about a week. I got so anxious about it that I couldn't sleep or eat. I didn't have a specific reason to feel that way, but I couldn't shake that awful gut feeling. I ended up asking to move the date to a public place instead, and thankfully he agreed. The kicker? He ended up breaking things off with me after that date because I told him I am Catholic. He said my beliefs about waiting until marriage were "too much of a risk," and I never heard from him again. Pray and listen to your gut feelings!
I appreciate this video as a resource that is relatable and so helpful. I am married and can attest to how we all have dealbreakers, red flags, and pickiness. Talking about the red flags when we see them is actually a golden moment! It is an opportunity to converse about something that could be an issue before it becomes that. Thanks for this video!!
I know some people who are really cautious when it comes to finding a partner. They're always looking for signs that something might be wrong and end up not getting married. Life is full of surprises, and we can't control everything or find someone who's absolutely perfect. Everyone has their own problems, and sometimes we should accept their imperfections instead of seeing them as warning signs. It's a good idea to have faith that things will work out and that God will take care of us if we have good intentions and use our common sense.
I was that way before God told me that I was projecting my fears of imperfection and fault finding onto them instead of working in myself first and my relationship with Him. Brutal to hear but needed. Now certain things like believers being equally yoked to each other in their faith in God and living a life reflecting that like St Paul tells us are non negotiable under any circumstance. That should not be overlooked. A woman wanting a guy to have 100k in income before he can date and marry her should be overlooked as long as he has the characteristics of an Ephesians 5 man understanding his role in the partnership as leader, provider, and protector.
Good point. We have to trust each other and if the red flags aren't that big of a deal, ya take the plunge into marriage. No one is perfect and as a couple we trust eachother and I included God in my marriage right from the beginning. It worked! Thank you dear God
I agree, don't look at someone's imperfection and let God take care of that Red flags for you. Your kindness and example can convert the hardest of hearts.
@@jcravenclaw I think it's smart to use common sense, but I also believe in keeping things simple and being willing to take some risks while having faith. The Bible warns us not to put God to the test, but it also shows us that many people in the Bible took risks with their faith, and God helped them. So, we need to find the right balance between taking calculated risks with faith and being reckless. If we never take any risks in life, I believe it shows a lack of faith. Some people act as if God won't protect them, and they set themselves up for failure. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, as long as you've acted wisely, I would call it a challenge like any other challenge you may face in life, such as a car accident. But anything that may seem bad to us can ultimately be for our good in God's wisdom.
I will say this as an autistic man: don’t expect everyone will know how to communicate with you immediately. You may have to explain some things. If you feel I’m talking too much about myself, tell me. If you feel I’m not asking you enough questions or not interested in what you have to say, tell me. Chances are I actually really like you and want to know about you and your life, I just don’t think to ask. Since I don’t want there to be awkward silence, I’ll usually go on about what I know which is my own life and my special interests. If you see the other person is making an effort, be patient with them. Understand that on occasion things like autism and CPTSD (which 90% of autistic men and women experience) can present on a surface level similarly to narcissism and know how to spot the difference. It can be frustrating when women won’t give me a second chance entirely because of how my brain is wired.
I’m sorry this has been your experience. It definitely took me a little while to get acquainted with my autistic husband’s way of seeing the world when we first started dating. Sometimes I thought he was being callous, but he was just processing an emotional situation differently than most people would. Other times, we’d be out at a social engagement and he’d seem to be having fun, but he’d tell me later that he was masking and had actually felt terribly uncomfortable. He was a real puzzle for me, but I finally came to understand him (for the most part, at least). I’m so glad I took the time because he’s a wonderful man and an even better husband. I don’t know you, but I’m sure you’re lovely. Tonight when I’m saying my rosary, I’ll pray that you find someone who will love you in abundance and see your idiosyncrasies as endearing. You deserve no less. Have a wonderful day!
Catholic women have no patience for anyone. Catholic women have no mercy on anyone. They all are looking for "Mister Perfect", despising a good amount of good guys.
Oh, how I wish I had seen your video 16 years ago. I could have saved myself so much heartache!! I have sent this to my daughter so that she doesn't make the same mistakes I did. Thank you for creating this!!
Thank you for this!! I’ve been having the hardest time. I don’t have many single friends around me, let alone catholic ones. The young adult groups are very spread out but there are a lot, so I’ll keep going to events, but you made me feel better about missing them to focus on myself and take breaks. God Bless!!
No it’s just hard to find a partner of virtue who understands that they aren’t perfect and neither are you. However they still choose to love you the way Jesus calls us to love each other anyway. Unrealistic standards do hinder people a lot in the modern culture dating scene. There’s always potential for a person to grow materially and work for it, but there is no potential for a person to grow spiritually if they don’t want to, especially when you are in a relationship with them.
@@Justyouraverageguy172 i agree with you but we must recognize that times are hard people need to search over the internet and travel long distance to find a spouse, something that was rare in previous generations cuz now most people don't care for God even Christians
@@romaslivagreed. But ultimately we must submit our lives to God, His will, and His leading. If God tells someone traveling overseas, using a dating app, or reconnect with an ex or person from our past means finding your spouse then we should obey if we want that blessing then.
I ignored a lot of red flags. I dated not just not Catholics, but anti-Catholics. The stories I have 💀. It led me to prayer, which led me to my amazing Catholic boyfriend who even brings me to confession
Sounds like he's pretty solid. Get married to this guy. Your marriage spouse doesn't need to be 100% compatible in every category - just need compatibility in the big ones like faith, money, family, and political leanings.
I wish I had your luck. I’m almost 27 and still havent had my first serious girlfriend yet. Women have it so much easier in dating. It feels like God wants 99% of men to rot alone
I notice my Catholic friends, and I can sometimes make fast assumptions about someone and write it off as "incompatibility." Ie Republican vs. Democrat, pro-life- vs. pro-choice, etc., without getting to know the other person and understanding their beliefs. I've met pro-life catholic men who identify as "trad Cath" but also support the death penalty, birth control, and sleeping around with several women at once. The kind that is pushing 40 and still says on their dating profile, "Unsure about my dating goals." For me, green flags are a man who loves Jesus, wants a family, respects women, and thinks we have more to offer them than just our bodies.
Women see average men and men under 6 feet as red flags. Im almost 27 and still haven’t found the right one. Losing hope fast and it hurts. I really want kids but its like God just wants 99% of men to die alone and miserable
i was interested in a girl recently and was under the impression that because she calls herself a Catholic, she takes her faith seriously.. I come to find out that she doesn't go to mass very often, is very pro-choice, and doesn't want children. I guess that's what happens when you "grow up" religiously, but then fall away from it as you get older. If she took her faith more seriously, she'd probably have stronger values. Guess it just isn't my call and I have to look elsewhere lol.
There's a scar from modern feminism on a lot of women today. I was swayed by the "you don't need a man"movement in my early 20s, but because I had a great, present father, I learned that what they were spouting weren't true.
left or right wing is something you can find out on a first date. dont forget you need to be unvaxed and find unvaxed to have healthy children nowadays.
@@phoebea I would've been somewhat willing to bargain with the first two reasons, because if I could get her to start going to mass more and actually take it seriously, the rest could follow. She has a good relationship with her dad, but is just very independent-minded. But not wanting children was pretty much the main dealbreaker at that point. 😔
Great video, again! It's so refreshing to have such good content on dating from someone who isn't 23 (or who married in their 20's). One of the things it might be helpful to address in some future video is the challenge for women to find anyone who isn't mostly red flags! It is the sad fact that in today's dating world, the number of times you get a "green flag" is dwarfed by the red flags out there. How do Catholic or Christian women avoid getting downright cynical about men? (Even the comment on this video from a man claiming that single women must be egotistical for, you know, not wanting to marry a narcissist, reminds me that married people sometimes have *no idea what they are talking about*)
Dating for "potential" isn't necessarily bad. People change over time, so it's worthwhile to think "what would this person likely be like in 5-10-15 years?" you can and should assume some change and growth, and consider who they will be later. It shouldn't be something you have to "fix" about them, but you will both end up influencing each other heavily assuming it leads to marriage. Consider: does this person have aspects that I want to rub off on me? Do I have aspects I want to rub off on them? The person you are married to won't be the person you dated, but you won't be the person he/she dated either. Yet if you considered the future for both of you well, you both may have become more similar to each other than you expected. Consider if that would be a good thing or not.
Could there be a video about green flags in Catholic dating? I have noticed in talking about dating with Catholic women they have a bunch of red flags to share about and not really green flags. I remember being at my Catholic young adult group and we were having a women’s session on dating. The ladies leading it were lovely, but they only talked about what to do when a guy was showing a lot of red flags. I then asked how you can tell if someone is showing a lot of green flags and they did not really have an answer for me.
@theresamarie6258, Thank you so much for the video request on Green Flags in Catholic dating. I have long looked out for this; yet to find any. I think it's important to focus on what is working, to know how to decifer of something is working, and to also know how to keep what is working. I video on Green Flags in Catholic Dating, I will really appreciate. God bless us all. Amen! ❤
Thank you Lilian, I LOVE your videos! You give great advice. Please do a video on dating in later 20’s and not being desperate. It’s been hard because a lot of tradition Catholics say that you should marry young; I was DEFF not ready to marry the person I was dating when I was young. Now that I am mature and know what I want in a Catholic spouse, it’s hard to be patient. I guess I just need advice on what to say to people who are so quick to say that I will be single forever because I’m picky even though that’s not the case. Thank you, God Bless you!♥️
Great video - I almost got married thrre times to women outside of our faith. What a waste of time. At 46, it’ll be a miracle if I ever find a Catholic wife, have kids and live happily ever after, but I’m doing my best not to be picky, put the emphasis on our Faith and be open to God’s will and not my own. ✝️
Deal-breaker for me: Talking about women in an objectifying manner. Not necessarily in the usual pr0ny "wimmin must satisfy MY needs in bed!" way, but... talking about women's bodies as if we're only meant to be mothers of children. Been there, done that, dropped his miserable butt, also my very protective Irish dad met him and said, "You were smart to ditch him: he's got worse issues than yours."
Very good on “dating potential”. It’s not good to go another route and expect completion from a potential spouse where neither person is complete until they’re united by God. WWII generation STARTED life by getting married and going to school, building their wealth base, etc. marriage was exactly part of the foundation of what many now think has to be built/in place before marriage.
Also if you are dating because you are lonely be very careful because you honestly aren't in the correct headspace. You would be better off not dating at all and trying to make friends or working on yourself.
May I recommend My Life on the Rock by Jeff Cavins? He got married very young and there were red flags all over the place - highly recommended!!! 😀 God bless
Hi Lillian, I thank you for your informative videos and your very wise take on things for such a young woman. I couldn't help but notice the beautiful necklace you're wearing in the video, and I'm wondering if you could let me know where I might find it. Thank you.
Please pray for me I would love to be married one day. I'm 25 and never been in a serious relationship so it feels like I missed the boat... it's just whenever I go to church/bible study there are no guys.
You can also try to visit other parishes on occasion and meet people. I don't know if that is possible in the US but here in Africa it is definitely possible. All the best, i pray for you to get your match.
I'll pray for you! My wife and I met when we were adult helpers in my parish's youth group. Get involved in different ministries like Habitat for Humanity - probably more men involved in that than other ministries. See if there is a young adult group at a parish in your area. Does your church have a perpetual adoration chapel? Sign up as a guardian for 1 hour a week to spend time with our Lord and pray for a future spouse. Who knows, maybe you will even meet someone there! Also, as an unrelated general rule, make sure to smile often especially at men who you are attracted to. Men love it when women smile at them and it will instantly make you more attractive to many men. Even though I'm a married guy, I'm trying to remember to smile more at others because smiling kind of breaks down the barriers between people.
I am reminded of the joke about the guy, asked why he had never married, replied: I swore that i would never marry until I found the perfect girl. Then I found her, unfortunately she was looking for the perfect guy. However, there is a wise old tale that men marry women that they hope will never change, while women marry men in hope that they can change them. Moral of the story couples need to be flexible, accepting and willing to adapt.
This discussion bears fruit of a millennial looking for a perfect mate. Women are the gate keepers, and if you’re single and attractive in your 30s ladies, you’ve probably been too impressed with yourself. “Red flags” is a vague concept. Deal breakers are like obscenities - we know it when we see it. Everyone has flaws, everyone has potential to be a saint. My red flags were too numerous to get into, but my wife married me in spite of, and she has made me a better person. Nowhere close to sainthood, but striving. We weathered many storms, stuck with it - that’s what marriage is.
Most of the guys I've gone on dates with haven't gotten in touch with me ever again and there were those who quickly proved themselves to be unacceptable. I can't tolerate desperate or creepy behavior. Also, misogynistic and controlling behavior and guys automatically thinking they can touch me.
Question about Tip Number 3- when you say identify if you're dating potential, do you mean that you are dating to potentially marry or that you yourself are dating potential?
I think she means more “this person has potential if they would just change *XYZ incompatible/problem causing thing* about themselves down the road!” Everyone has flaws, but you should be dating someone for who they currently are, not who YOU hope they might become in the future that they aren’t currently
The big question is: Are flaws red flags? If so, there is no human being without red flags, it has never been and it will never be. My question to all Catholic women is: Are you looking for perfection (no red flags at all)? If so, you will be forever single, or one day you will be so despairing that you will marry the first stupid guy you may find. And, along the way, you will make miserably sad to many good guys with some flaws who would do anything to love you as you deserve.
Deuteronomy 31:6 ~ Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
Why do all of the women end up talking about dating on this channel but the men don't? This is part of the issue. The closest we get is men talking about porn addiction but they don't get content about actually relating to women and dating. It feels all on us to avoid pitfalls and to choose wisely.
I think the "go with your gut feeling" advice for women is particularly unhelpful, respectfully. Like it or not, women can be highly emotional. Relationships take a lot of risk which is probably why modern dating and marriages often break up at the first sign of adversity. People let their emotions (gut) rule as opposed to truly being open to new experiences, perspectives, or letting their guard down. And by "new" I don't mean things contrary to the Catholic faith, I just mean being open to letting someone else take the lead and trusting people. Yes, people can be cruel but opening ourselves to love and trust is important. My mother married an Episcopalian who later converted to Catholicism and he was the best father one could have. This highly selective dating tactic isn't necessarily a good thing.
I’ve found the complete opposite to be true, and my “gut instinct” turned out to be the Holy Spirit leading and guiding me to safety every step of the way, even if people said I was “illogical” or “over emotional.” It’s almost like God designed women to be different than men, and that’s not a bad thing.
Yeah, it’s all about discernment. I’ve struggled with anxiety at times (like gone to counseling for a time, not just stress etc…) and it takes experience and practice to learn to distinguish between “uneasy - something’s wrong” gut feelings, “it’s just relationship anxiety, stop worrying” gut feelings, and “hey this might be something to talk through, but don’t get to worked up about it” gut feelings. It can be complicated to discern, but gut feelings really can be useful! Just know yourself and your patterns, and don’t act rashly just because of a feeling. Emotions are data! Use them as such - make decisions while taking the data into account, don’t let your emotions de facto make the decision for you.
@@juanis8219 I said "can be", not "always are" or in a necessarily bad way. Like it or not, there are differences between the sexes in how they process information or experiences. This is not "sexism", it's the truth. Interior discernment is just as important as discerning others whom you associate with. Discernment such as, "maybe this commenter on RUclips isn't being sexist but just pointing out biological truths" and assuming positive intent, that may be a good place to start.
@@littledrummergirl_19 absolutely, that's exactly why I stressed "can be overly emotional". This isn't to say gut feelings have no purpose, it's just that some people drop things at the slightest adversity or differences of opinion. That's not a genuinely discerning mindset. But you're right to get a second opinion on how to process these things and I applaud you for that!
I met a guy online who's Catholic and we belong to the same charismatic community. We've been talking for 4 months before we finally decided to meet in person. We went out 4 times now. We have good chemistry and enjoy each other's company. But I can't ignore the fact that we're not on the same page when it comes to values. Although we're both Catholics, he's leaning towards modernism which is different from my being conservative. He's not adamantly pro-life, is open to same-sex unions, doesn't see taking communion on the tongue as appropriate, and doesn't agree with wife being submissive to the husband. I just wish he was as conservative as me. Please tell me if this is worth pursuing. P.S. I haven't opened up my concerns to him yet so I don't know what he's gonna do to settle these.
Hi! Maybe you should have a one to one session with each others values, pray first then, you can discuss openly. If it doesnt work out, that's a great way to say, you dodge a bullet? Or if he's willing to change his mindset, by praying more, I think that's a good start. What charismatic community are you in? :) -Gab from Ph!
I rather be with someone that is pro-life and a Catholic than deal with someone that is liberal and doesn’t believe in religion. That doesn’t sit well with me at all. Praying until the day I find my perfect match. God bless. 🙏🏾
I have nearly given up. I have found ZERO men of quality. I have tried meeting guys organically but online/dating apps are the norm now and they have not been kind to me….even Christian Mingle (bleh) and Catholic Match (literally…no one! And it’s not a popular enough app, the few guys I matched with lived far away). Bars are not my thing. Seriously! I’m not in my 20s with a giant friend group network. Where am I supposed to meet anyone? (Of quality??)
As hard as a pill this is to swallow, what we want is a reflection of who we are. If we just want someone to dominate and control (this goes for both men and women) then it’s not a marriage but a dictatorship to which even if someone singed up for it would not make you happy having to micromanage everything because it’s a life without God in it. It’s excellent that you are being proactive in searching for a man as well and vetting who comes across your way. I usually have trouble being proactive as a man because I am often tempted to give up on relationships as well after seeing so many women who don’t believe in God and are promiscuous. However, biblically speaking a man is to come purse you in a way unique to him, and you as a woman as to accept his pursuit and invite him in a way unique to you making him feel safe enough to open up and take on a relationship. This is reflective of the way Christ came to pursue the Church and Ephesians 5 is a great place to understand the marital relationship. Take some time to focus on your relationship with God and growing yourself spiritually since you have done a lot more than most people already in being proactive and looking for someone for so long. God may just be telling you to take time to pause and see where He is leading you in life and in your relationships since it’s so important to Him. He will guide you but we as humans aren’t always the best listeners to Him who always speaks to us in various ways beyond what we expect of Him.
Dont think you have all the time in the world. You have way less than you think. You may only ever meet a few good opportunities. Dont self sabotage because you're afraid to miss out on someone even better.
Biological time clock lol funny when they hit 30 all of a sudden they're now giving men a chance. No thanks as a man now in his 30s I now have leverage that women had in their 20s and I'm going to use it.
Just be confident and bold in your intentions. Dont let the woman doubt that she ever gave u a shot. If u wanna take her mc donalds for a first date, Double down and make it the best date she ever had aha. And as for if what she is saying applies to you, fundamentally no. Men and women are biologically and socially and financially different, they can afford to be picky and analyze the shit out of our manerisms and choices. Whereas men just have to be the best that we are capable of and hopefully find a sucker to atract for the Long run
Please help. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm a software engineer, video games developer, and I haven't been to mass for so long, talk less of confession. I've tried severally to do what's right, but if it's not work, it's tiredness, like total exhaustion (I desperately need rest, and I use my entire weekend for that)
I'm not Catholic (yet). But, if you're unable to get to Mass for whatever reason, I would recommend at least making an Act of Contrition and an Act of Spiritual Communion every day, as well as going over the Mass readings, which you can do even if you're not able to get to Mass. Then make a plan to return to Confession and Mass when you're able. Hope that helps.
The best place to rest is in God's house. Go to an adoration chapel for 15 minutes and just sit there with Jesus. You don't have to think about work or anything. You don't even have to try to talk with God. Just be there and rest. Going to Mass and confession will be natural next steps when you find value in spending time with the Lord and start to prioritize that time. St. Augustin says: "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you, O Lord."
It’s because the spirit of your flesh is at odds with the Holy Spirit leading you to grow. Prayer is the answer along with making efforts to go even if you don’t feel like it. It will become more important and natural after a while. Read the parable of the of the two sons in Matthew 21:28-32
One practical point is that there are some masses at odd times; e.g., early on Sunday afternoon. So, even if you are so tired that you sleep in on Sunday, you could still find a mass to go to.
Being a single 57-year-old man, who has only recently become a Christian and a Catholic, and who spent his early years failing miserably at relationships, I can tell you that relationships are hard, and finding the perfect person, is well, idk, maybe the wrong way to think about what a good marriage is supposed to be like. Though I get it, right, cause we want all the things. We want physical attraction and sexual chemistry, we want cultural affiliation so that we can share together our mutual love of what is true and good and beautiful in arts and culture while thumbing our noses at the philistine tastes of others, etc etc etc, and idk, I don't know what the answer is. I am trying to become a good enough person to find a wife, but at this age I wonder what the point even really is anymore. It could be the game is over for me.
Hi. I agree with your what u said in ur video. I believe that we human being are aware of the red flags but we deliberately sometimes choose to ignore them as we want the relationship to work. And, you are right saying that we have to trust our guts n mostly the inner voice (most likely - our guardian Angel) warning us that sthing is not right with that person. So, I pray that all Catholics men/women who are single like me find ppl who are our real match. And , that our hearts/minds/spirits are open to the guidance of our Angels when choosing our life partner. In Jesus’ name 🙏
Also can you truly accept someone for who they are . We all Got flaws ... Like I don't even like who Iam but it means I can change. And if your spouse is willing to then they can change
The problem with expecting anyone to have arrived is because christ doesn't do that to us. Christ takes us as we are but we are ALL fixer uppers. Gotta be real and honest.
Agreed. Nobody has arrived prior to marriage otherwise there's no point in marriage if you've already arrived lol... it's a Sacrament for a reason. Within the last few months I watched an Eastern Orthodox priest talk about this topic and he was saying modern day people are way too picky and selfish... he's dead on lol.
Ask God whether it is the will of God or not before making any romantic relationship. If it is not the will of God, simply don't make it lest it will lead to destruction of your soul.
If your vocation is to marriage, then it is God's will for you to pursue a romantic relationship that will lead to marriage. I do think that praying for the right person for you is important. But, you can't rule someone out unless you date them.
@@phoebeahi again, firstly, let God decide if your vacation is to marriage or not. Secondly, don't assume that it's God's will for you to pursue a romantic relationship. If God wants you to marry a certain person even if you don't have romantic relationship with the person, then you should get married. It's is always better to do the will of God than ours. True Christians should always seek God's will instead their own will before dating anyone. Most of the people get trapped in the offer that Satan presents in their lives which is difficult to reject for worldly pleasures.
Marriage glorifies God and pleases Him. However God just does not all the time tell people up front who to marry or not. He leaves the choice to us but wants us to consult Him always and His Word. However I understand that if God makes it clear and tells someone to marry a particular person even if they don’t see how it’s possible or why then it’s better to do so and obey God than be in disobedience in which you are right about.
@@Justyouraverageguy172 not all marriages glorify God and pleases Him. The only marriages glorify and please Him are the marriages which is the will of God. The marriages done for the sake of lust, worldly pleasures, own will rather than God's, don't please God. If it's the will of God that you marry someone and not yours, then a true follower of Jesus Christ would marry him/her because it is the will of God. e.g St. Joseph the husband of blessed Mary. God does give us freedom of choice out of His divine nature. It's upto us whether we choose His will or ours. If we love Him we'll choose His will and if we love ourselves we will choose our will.
Question: If in the beginning your girlfriend is thinking and talking about getting married for the majority of our relationship. But recently, she stated she's no longer thinking about that. Is that normal?
You are in danger, figure out what's going on because there IS probably something going on that is making her reconsider marrying you, but it's pretty safe to say she is losing interest in you. I can tell you that because I've been there. She might be scared to just tell you hey I'm not interested in you anymore but I'm afraid of losing the comfort of having a boyfriend until I've at least secured another man. Good luck
I agree with the other commenter who said to talk to her about it. It could be that at the beginning, she was more enamored by the idea of marriage in general than discerning your compatibility. And, now, your relationship is no longer just an idea but a journey together. Or, she could have lost interest in the relationship as someone else suggested. Either way, it's best to try to figure that out right away so you don't waste each other's time. I also know of women who become contrary or pick fights because they want their boyfriend to propose. We are complicated beings. Tbh, there are some women I can't understand.
That’s not normal as there’s a sprit at work that doesn’t seem like it’s from God in my view. There is no fear, powerlessness, and selfishness with the Spirit of God. Best thing to do is test her spirit and discern her motivations. Is she cheating? Is she Just idolizing the idea of a relationship and now afraid? Or is she just not prepared and trying to rush things by pressing you at the start? I suspect it’s a combination of the demonic enticing her give into fear to cheat, lie to you, and dominate the relationship, and the selfish desires of the flesh at work seeking the pleasure of the emotional thrill and seeing it’s wearing off.
I'M TRYING I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A GOOD MAN. Or anyone trying to date me, or asked me before, yes granted I'm a bit reserved because I freak out a bit when I see a guy I like. Guys, if a girl likes you what should we (I) do? *help me*
We men are quite simple. So if you meet a man you like, you could just tell him directly. Or if you feel like that would be too much, then smiling and giving him compliments are some good hints than you like him :)
@@GurtGobain With guys I know I told to them, trying to connect but I think I overtry? Idk For those I don't know, I don't do anything like what do I say? "Hey I don't know you but you're cute!" I overthink everything.
With good Christian people, I sometimes see self-righteousness emerge. They are decent, good people with good intentions and good character. After time, you sense/hear/see a self-righteous criticism of others. That turns into a red flag/dealbreaker for me. Ironic, since I see self-righteousness as unattractive character weakness, yet, in a manner of speaking, aren't I being self-righteous in my judgement of that . . . hmmmm. Sticky wicket.
It depends on if they repented of their sexual sins and behaviors. Jesus call us to forgive those who have sinned against us every time the way God does with us. It should be noted though a woman or man could lose their virginity from one bad mistake but not be hooking up everyday with a person like their worldly counterparts do. Such people will be truthful and honest with you about that mistake when asked knowing sexual fidelity is important.
If you are a virgin man, and she is not a virgin, unless you also have some kind of serious past mistake that she has to accept, there's always gonna be a feeling on some level that she is not good enough or that you are better than her, whether she feels it or you feel it. That's not completely wrong either, because only one person put in the hard work of preserving themselves for God and their future spouse.
It should be. No self respecting man takes on used goods. No mother can instill good morals in children when she has none herself. And a good man is within his rights to want to raise a family of his own, not a string of other men's illegitimate by-blows.
There is this girl in church that I like, I have greeted her a few times, but never really spoke to her. Would it be inappropriate to approach her, considering she is 21 and I'm 33?
I think you will get different answers from different people since this is a borderline situation. The age gap is pretty significant. My answer, not knowing anything beyond what you have told us, is that it depends. Yes she is young and 12 years is a big age gap even if y'all were much older, but legally she's an adult and if she is emotionally mature for her age that helps. You need to realize that you are "rocking the cradle" a bit here, and you should approach this carefully, but I don't consider it completely taboo. If y'all get married, one day you will be 54 when she is 42, and that doesn't sound unreasonable. Age gaps in couples become less of a deal the older one gets.
Unfortunately she was not in mass this sunday. But I have decide it to do it. One thing I didn't mention is that I have caught her glancing at me sometimes, which may be the reason I thought it would be ok, but then again I look younger than I actually am, and she could think the gap is maybe like half of what it actually is. So would it be a good idea to mention this as soon as I can? So in case she give me her number or something believing I'm younger, it does not becomes embarrasing or dissapointing later on to learn that I'm older @@malbowz1257
The state of dating is so sad and disgusting that I have begun advocating for arranged marriage. It's only going to get worse from here if we don't correct course. For those divinely called, we shouldn't be waiting
If you're called to marriage, I think it's important to not lose hope and to keep trying to find your person. Yes, the world is wounded and broken, but God is with us. The right relationship will happen in God's time, not ours. I'd rather wait to meet the right man naturally than not have a choice in who I marry, tbh.
@@phoebeaagreed as God does not force us to marry anyone or those we don’t want to because love is not selfish nor insist on its own way like St Paul tells us.
I both agree and disagree. Yes we who have received the calling for marriage shouldn’t put off preparing for marriage and ordering our lives towards God until our 30’s like modern society lies to us about. However, arranged marriage takes away our free will depriving us of the choice to freely give love to someone and receive love. There is a reason why God did not force Adam to accept Eve when he brought her to him. Adam freely chose and accepted her.
@@phoebea If God calls you to marriage, you follow through. When you say "God's timing", you are putting God to the test. That is not God's will for anyone. In the future, your choice will more likely be between WHETHER you marry and not WHO. You will have created this problem for yourself as the good men get married while you wait for "God's timing"
@@Justyouraverageguy172 I have to remember arranged marriage is often misunderstood thanks to movies. I would give an honest look into it. It actually gives women a lot more security and selectivity than dating does in reality. This was the norm until the 1940s
I'm glad my wife gave me a chance. I was protestant and pro-choice when we met and when we married. Fast forward a few years, I am a strong pro-life Catholic! Have 2 kids and a great family.
Happy for you brother. I was raised protestant. I am pursuing a practicing catholic woman and am doing my best to learn and work through all of this. I have never really been taught any of this. I feel like I have been misled about catholicism my entire life.
@@doc-t-8648 Good for you that you have an open heart and mind. Best wishes!
God bless!!
That can certainly happen though I think I would hold off on marriage until someone did change their mind on certain issues. Thankfully I’m already married and am now considering converting to Catholicism after my husband mentioned wanting to “revert” (both got married as Lutherans). It’s been interesting, though I’m not sure my values have really changed; I’ve just become much more convinced of their importance.
do you name (((certain people)))
Here are some red flags for me:
----you have negative gut feelings
----you don't feel safe with the person
----you can't communicate with the person
----the person verbally abuses you
----the person sexually abuses you
----you don't feel excited to see the person
---you feel as though you are forcing a relationship with this person and/or settling
---if you ask yourself honestly if you can see a future with them, and the answer that comes to your mind is dread
----you feel more stressed or exhausted than happy when with the person
----the person criticizes you often and/or complains about stuff about you
---when you ask the person a question, and the answer is unsatisfactory for you
----you are often questioning your feelings or the other person's feelings
----the person is disrespectful towards you
----the person won't allow you to be yourself and tries to change you
---you feel afraid of the person
----you have a nagging feeling that something isn't right
---you have strong urges to be with other people
----the person's flaws bother you way too much
Great list!
Most of those are deal breakers. Red flags are more of a hint that there is something bad and not the bad thing itself.
Absolutely do NOT think about "fixing" anyone else! There is a good rule to consider. Imagine a sticker that says "as is" on their forehead. Think of it the other way as well. If someone was interested in you, but there were things the other person was thinking they will change about YOU as things move along, that would be a big deal later on. "Hey, this is something important about myself. Why did you get into this relationship thinking I was going to change that?"
Also, be very, very aware that there is a massive rise in emotional disorders like Narcissism. Do some research on traits to watch for and if you clearly see them, as the video says, TRUST YOUR GUT! This is a very, very destructive and harmful personality disorder that you do not want in your life. And they target kind, relatively compliant, helpful, patient, passive people. Pray for them for God's mercy and grace in their lives, but especially do NOT think they will change with just enough love and patience.
So much truth in this
Amen
@wishiwuzskying exactly what do you believe is the root cause of these problematic "personality traits"?
How to tell if someone is narcissistic ?
@@sarathomas8499 if you search in RUclips that exact question, you will find many videos to help
I remember having a list of girls i know and like and trying which one i would like to take seriously. I ended up marrying non in the list. But i'm glad God guided me and married a Catholic woman. Please marry a person who is catholic. They may be under elementary in their faith, but the faith in God grows overtime.
Absolutely.
Marrying a Catholic person is ideal, of course. But it's not a warranty that this person will keep the faith during the journey. I've known Catholics who lost their faith during the marriage, and gave bad examples to their children because of inconsistency. While there are people of good will, respectful to the faith of their spouse even if they don't have it, who are a beneficial presence as husband/wife and as parents; and maybe the faith of their spouse will drive them to God. Maybe He could have other plans, maybe he could tell the right person for us isn't necessarily Catholic. That's just my opinion by the way
@@dropoceanThere are also saints who were married but lost their spouses or their spouse was not of the the faith and were converted by them. God still took those plans and used them for good. Bottom line is that it’s just not going to work out if we leave God out of everything we do and ignore Him, especially relationships.
Another Catholic is ideal and most encouraged but as far as I know someone of another Christian denomination or marrying a Jew or Muslim is still permissible. It’s marrying a non believer that’s not allowed as far as I know.
@@tigernotwoods914 No man. The Church absolutely forbade marrying a Protestant for hundreds of years, much less a heathen. 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Bear not the yoke with unbelievers. For what participation hath justice with injustice? Or what fellowship hath light with darkness?" If you "marry" a heathen, you are not even sacramentally married (Matrimony).
sometimes red flags are easy to miss, because of the trauma bond. be aware of what trauma bonding is….it's like a train wreck that you run back to repair, because you think it was your fault.
My severe anxiety triggers gut feelings in other people that are completely wrong
Try to find spiritual advisors you can lean on for perspective if this is the case
I suffer from anxiety, too. All I can say is don't give up. I did, and I regret it. Don't ever give up, and don't be afraid to talk about it to family and friends.
I was on Catholic Match and was under the assumption that this person I went on two dates with went to mass every Sunday. He didn’t go for nearly a year. Unfortunately, that was a deal breaker.
At least he didn’t lie, that’s wild tho
@@stutterstudios4731Please help. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm a software engineer, video games developer, and I haven't been to mass for so long, talk less of confession. I've tried severally to do what's right, but if it's not work, it's tiredness (I desperately need rest)
It's difficult to stand by your values in today's dating climate, but you deserve a person who shares the same values.
Yes, sites like Catholic Match are NOT necessarily only featuring practicing Catholics and some are there because they are looking for easier targets... patient, kind, forgiving... that's a prime target for a user. Wise as foxes gentle as doves.
never assume and ask questions on first date and verify they are telling the truth for important matters
I think it's more important to work on your own red flags first. Everyone has them. EVERYONE.
Agreed; take the plank out of your own eye before removing the splinter in the other person's eye!
REPLY OF THE CENTURY. ✝️
Right I can call it out!
Especially communists.
*badum tss*
It's good to see the red flags in you and the red flags of others. That's wisdom and integrity. So many people deny their flaws it's like they can't even see it or don't care.
3:32 a difficult thing for guys at first, but it grows with time and experience. We arent wired or trained to hear / understand our gut. Plus we usually allow ourself to be blinded and deafend (is that w word) by physical attraction. However, that fog clears out ...over time. This is where its essential to have sisters, mom, friends that are girls etc... who you can get advice and feedback from. (& vice versa) Theyll see things you wont. Women are complex and play the angles and guys are simple and play straight lines. (usually).
The gut feeling is real! I once went on a couple dates with a guy I met online who invited me to his house for dinner for the third date within about a week. I got so anxious about it that I couldn't sleep or eat. I didn't have a specific reason to feel that way, but I couldn't shake that awful gut feeling. I ended up asking to move the date to a public place instead, and thankfully he agreed. The kicker? He ended up breaking things off with me after that date because I told him I am Catholic. He said my beliefs about waiting until marriage were "too much of a risk," and I never heard from him again. Pray and listen to your gut feelings!
Those gut feelings r so imp!
I appreciate this video as a resource that is relatable and so helpful. I am married and can attest to how we all have dealbreakers, red flags, and pickiness. Talking about the red flags when we see them is actually a golden moment! It is an opportunity to converse about something that could be an issue before it becomes that. Thanks for this video!!
I know some people who are really cautious when it comes to finding a partner. They're always looking for signs that something might be wrong and end up not getting married. Life is full of surprises, and we can't control everything or find someone who's absolutely perfect. Everyone has their own problems, and sometimes we should accept their imperfections instead of seeing them as warning signs.
It's a good idea to have faith that things will work out and that God will take care of us if we have good intentions and use our common sense.
I was that way before God told me that I was projecting my fears of imperfection and fault finding onto them instead of working in myself first and my relationship with Him. Brutal to hear but needed. Now certain things like believers being equally yoked to each other in their faith in God and living a life reflecting that like St Paul tells us are non negotiable under any circumstance. That should not be overlooked. A woman wanting a guy to have 100k in income before he can date and marry her should be overlooked as long as he has the characteristics of an Ephesians 5 man understanding his role in the partnership as leader, provider, and protector.
Good point. We have to trust each other and if the red flags aren't that big of a deal, ya take the plunge into marriage. No one is perfect and as a couple we trust eachother and I included God in my marriage right from the beginning. It worked! Thank you dear God
I agree, don't look at someone's imperfection and let God take care of that Red flags for you. Your kindness and example can convert the hardest of hearts.
That's just setting up your marriage for failure and then divorce.
Dating is about filter who's a good partner or not
@@jcravenclaw I think it's smart to use common sense, but I also believe in keeping things simple and being willing to take some risks while having faith. The Bible warns us not to put God to the test, but it also shows us that many people in the Bible took risks with their faith, and God helped them. So, we need to find the right balance between taking calculated risks with faith and being reckless. If we never take any risks in life, I believe it shows a lack of faith. Some people act as if God won't protect them, and they set themselves up for failure. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, as long as you've acted wisely, I would call it a challenge like any other challenge you may face in life, such as a car accident. But anything that may seem bad to us can ultimately be for our good in God's wisdom.
I will say this as an autistic man: don’t expect everyone will know how to communicate with you immediately. You may have to explain some things. If you feel I’m talking too much about myself, tell me. If you feel I’m not asking you enough questions or not interested in what you have to say, tell me. Chances are I actually really like you and want to know about you and your life, I just don’t think to ask. Since I don’t want there to be awkward silence, I’ll usually go on about what I know which is my own life and my special interests.
If you see the other person is making an effort, be patient with them. Understand that on occasion things like autism and CPTSD (which 90% of autistic men and women experience) can present on a surface level similarly to narcissism and know how to spot the difference. It can be frustrating when women won’t give me a second chance entirely because of how my brain is wired.
I’m sorry this has been your experience. It definitely took me a little while to get acquainted with my autistic husband’s way of seeing the world when we first started dating. Sometimes I thought he was being callous, but he was just processing an emotional situation differently than most people would. Other times, we’d be out at a social engagement and he’d seem to be having fun, but he’d tell me later that he was masking and had actually felt terribly uncomfortable. He was a real puzzle for me, but I finally came to understand him (for the most part, at least). I’m so glad I took the time because he’s a wonderful man and an even better husband.
I don’t know you, but I’m sure you’re lovely. Tonight when I’m saying my rosary, I’ll pray that you find someone who will love you in abundance and see your idiosyncrasies as endearing. You deserve no less. Have a wonderful day!
Hey❤ in the same boat here!!!! it’s hard. I hope you find your person!!!😊
Catholic women have no patience for anyone. Catholic women have no mercy on anyone. They all are looking for "Mister Perfect", despising a good amount of good guys.
Oh, how I wish I had seen your video 16 years ago. I could have saved myself so much heartache!! I have sent this to my daughter so that she doesn't make the same mistakes I did. Thank you for creating this!!
@@GurtGobain I agree. I wouldn't have all 5 of my children...which is the blessing..
Same. But I have two kids now, and my clocks was expiring when I married the wrong person at 35.
Amen sister
Thank you for your video. I have recently broken up with my long term boyfriend. This helps to reassure me I made the right choice. God bless 😊
I pray you heal soon.
Thanks!
Thanks for the support!
Thank you for this!! I’ve been having the hardest time. I don’t have many single friends around me, let alone catholic ones. The young adult groups are very spread out but there are a lot, so I’ll keep going to events, but you made me feel better about missing them to focus on myself and take breaks. God Bless!!
God Bless Lillian Fallon!
I don't know if im a perfectionist or if it's just hard for find someone to marry, we living in hard times.
Dating right now is terrible. It's rough out there, but we have to stick to our values.
No it’s just hard to find a partner of virtue who understands that they aren’t perfect and neither are you. However they still choose to love you the way Jesus calls us to love each other anyway. Unrealistic standards do hinder people a lot in the modern culture dating scene. There’s always potential for a person to grow materially and work for it, but there is no potential for a person to grow spiritually if they don’t want to, especially when you are in a relationship with them.
@@Justyouraverageguy172 i agree with you but we must recognize that times are hard people need to search over the internet and travel long distance to find a spouse, something that was rare in previous generations cuz now most people don't care for God even Christians
@@romaslivagreed. But ultimately we must submit our lives to God, His will, and His leading. If God tells someone traveling overseas, using a dating app, or reconnect with an ex or person from our past means finding your spouse then we should obey if we want that blessing then.
@@phoebea add vax status to your values
Thank you Lillian and AP for sharing this message with us today.
I ignored a lot of red flags. I dated not just not Catholics, but anti-Catholics. The stories I have 💀. It led me to prayer, which led me to my amazing Catholic boyfriend who even brings me to confession
Sounds like he's pretty solid. Get married to this guy. Your marriage spouse doesn't need to be 100% compatible in every category - just need compatibility in the big ones like faith, money, family, and political leanings.
I wish I had your luck. I’m almost 27 and still havent had my first serious girlfriend yet. Women have it so much easier in dating. It feels like God wants 99% of men to rot alone
I notice my Catholic friends, and I can sometimes make fast assumptions about someone and write it off as "incompatibility." Ie Republican vs. Democrat, pro-life- vs. pro-choice, etc., without getting to know the other person and understanding their beliefs. I've met pro-life catholic men who identify as "trad Cath" but also support the death penalty, birth control, and sleeping around with several women at once. The kind that is pushing 40 and still says on their dating profile, "Unsure about my dating goals." For me, green flags are a man who loves Jesus, wants a family, respects women, and thinks we have more to offer them than just our bodies.
Women see average men and men under 6 feet as red flags. Im almost 27 and still haven’t found the right one. Losing hope fast and it hurts. I really want kids but its like God just wants 99% of men to die alone and miserable
This was a great video to share with my teenage children. Thank you for this!
My gut feeling sends me red flags all the time, but that's mostly because of IBS.
i was interested in a girl recently and was under the impression that because she calls herself a Catholic, she takes her faith seriously.. I come to find out that she doesn't go to mass very often, is very pro-choice, and doesn't want children. I guess that's what happens when you "grow up" religiously, but then fall away from it as you get older. If she took her faith more seriously, she'd probably have stronger values. Guess it just isn't my call and I have to look elsewhere lol.
“You will know them by their fruits. Good fruit cannot come from a bad tree just as bad fruit cannot come from a good tree” -Jesus in the Gospel
There's a scar from modern feminism on a lot of women today. I was swayed by the "you don't need a man"movement in my early 20s, but because I had a great, present father, I learned that what they were spouting weren't true.
Walking around in public with the Holy Rosary in your hand is an excellent screening tool for females.
left or right wing is something you can find out on a first date. dont forget you need to be unvaxed and find unvaxed to have healthy children nowadays.
@@phoebea I would've been somewhat willing to bargain with the first two reasons, because if I could get her to start going to mass more and actually take it seriously, the rest could follow. She has a good relationship with her dad, but is just very independent-minded.
But not wanting children was pretty much the main dealbreaker at that point. 😔
Great video, again! It's so refreshing to have such good content on dating from someone who isn't 23 (or who married in their 20's). One of the things it might be helpful to address in some future video is the challenge for women to find anyone who isn't mostly red flags! It is the sad fact that in today's dating world, the number of times you get a "green flag" is dwarfed by the red flags out there. How do Catholic or Christian women avoid getting downright cynical about men? (Even the comment on this video from a man claiming that single women must be egotistical for, you know, not wanting to marry a narcissist, reminds me that married people sometimes have *no idea what they are talking about*)
LOVE your outfit, especially your jewelry!!
Thank you for the honesty and for trying to help. I’m sure you hear it, but just in case you don’t. You’re beautiful.
Dating for "potential" isn't necessarily bad. People change over time, so it's worthwhile to think "what would this person likely be like in 5-10-15 years?" you can and should assume some change and growth, and consider who they will be later. It shouldn't be something you have to "fix" about them, but you will both end up influencing each other heavily assuming it leads to marriage. Consider: does this person have aspects that I want to rub off on me? Do I have aspects I want to rub off on them? The person you are married to won't be the person you dated, but you won't be the person he/she dated either. Yet if you considered the future for both of you well, you both may have become more similar to each other than you expected. Consider if that would be a good thing or not.
6:01 Put a big smile on my face, brilliant way to put it.
Could there be a video about green flags in Catholic dating? I have noticed in talking about dating with Catholic women they have a bunch of red flags to share about and not really green flags. I remember being at my Catholic young adult group and we were having a women’s session on dating. The ladies leading it were lovely, but they only talked about what to do when a guy was showing a lot of red flags. I then asked how you can tell if someone is showing a lot of green flags and they did not really have an answer for me.
Probably things like virtues.
@theresamarie6258, Thank you so much for the video request on Green Flags in Catholic dating. I have long looked out for this; yet to find any. I think it's important to focus on what is working, to know how to decifer of something is working, and to also know how to keep what is working.
I video on Green Flags in Catholic Dating, I will really appreciate. God bless us all. Amen! ❤
Thank you Lilian, I LOVE your videos! You give great advice. Please do a video on dating in later 20’s and not being desperate. It’s been hard because a lot of tradition Catholics say that you should marry young; I was DEFF not ready to marry the person I was dating when I was young. Now that I am mature and know what I want in a Catholic spouse, it’s hard to be patient. I guess I just need advice on what to say to people who are so quick to say that I will be single forever because I’m picky even though that’s not the case. Thank you, God Bless you!♥️
Great video - I almost got married thrre times to women outside of our faith. What a waste of time. At 46, it’ll be a miracle if I ever find a Catholic wife, have kids and live happily ever after, but I’m doing my best not to be picky, put the emphasis on our Faith and be open to God’s will and not my own. ✝️
Excellent advice ! I wish I had known these points 50 years ago and saved much heartache.
The person may not like The Office not being a deal breaker, my reaction: MICHAEL, MICHAEL!!
What do you do if she's baptist?
Deal-breaker for me: Talking about women in an objectifying manner. Not necessarily in the usual pr0ny "wimmin must satisfy MY needs in bed!" way, but... talking about women's bodies as if we're only meant to be mothers of children. Been there, done that, dropped his miserable butt, also my very protective Irish dad met him and said, "You were smart to ditch him: he's got worse issues than yours."
Very good on “dating potential”. It’s not good to go another route and expect completion from a potential spouse where neither person is complete until they’re united by God. WWII generation STARTED life by getting married and going to school, building their wealth base, etc. marriage was exactly part of the foundation of what many now think has to be built/in place before marriage.
Lillian's awesome. This is a great video!
Also if you are dating because you are lonely be very careful because you honestly aren't in the correct headspace. You would be better off not dating at all and trying to make friends or working on yourself.
God bless you, Lillian! I hope you're happy :)
May I recommend My Life on the Rock by Jeff Cavins? He got married very young and there were red flags all over the place - highly recommended!!! 😀 God bless
Hi Lillian, I thank you for your informative videos and your very wise take on things for such a young woman. I couldn't help but notice the beautiful necklace you're wearing in the video, and I'm wondering if you could let me know where I might find it. Thank you.
Wish I would have watched this before getting married.
Really?
Please pray for me I would love to be married one day. I'm 25 and never been in a serious relationship so it feels like I missed the boat... it's just whenever I go to church/bible study there are no guys.
You can also try to visit other parishes on occasion and meet people. I don't know if that is possible in the US but here in Africa it is definitely possible.
All the best, i pray for you to get your match.
I'll pray for you! My wife and I met when we were adult helpers in my parish's youth group. Get involved in different ministries like Habitat for Humanity - probably more men involved in that than other ministries. See if there is a young adult group at a parish in your area. Does your church have a perpetual adoration chapel? Sign up as a guardian for 1 hour a week to spend time with our Lord and pray for a future spouse. Who knows, maybe you will even meet someone there! Also, as an unrelated general rule, make sure to smile often especially at men who you are attracted to. Men love it when women smile at them and it will instantly make you more attractive to many men. Even though I'm a married guy, I'm trying to remember to smile more at others because smiling kind of breaks down the barriers between people.
I am reminded of the joke about the guy, asked why he had never married, replied: I swore that i would never marry until I found the perfect girl. Then I found her, unfortunately she was looking for the perfect guy. However, there is a wise old tale that men marry women that they hope will never change, while women marry men in hope that they can change them. Moral of the story couples need to be flexible, accepting and willing to adapt.
This discussion bears fruit of a millennial looking for a perfect mate. Women are the gate keepers, and if you’re single and attractive in your 30s ladies, you’ve probably been too impressed with yourself. “Red flags” is a vague concept. Deal breakers are like obscenities - we know it when we see it. Everyone has flaws, everyone has potential to be a saint. My red flags were too numerous to get into, but my wife married me in spite of, and she has made me a better person. Nowhere close to sainthood, but striving. We weathered many storms, stuck with it - that’s what marriage is.
Most of the guys I've gone on dates with haven't gotten in touch with me ever again and there were those who quickly proved themselves to be unacceptable. I can't tolerate desperate or creepy behavior. Also, misogynistic and controlling behavior and guys automatically thinking they can touch me.
Question about Tip Number 3- when you say identify if you're dating potential, do you mean that you are dating to potentially marry or that you yourself are dating potential?
I think she means more “this person has potential if they would just change *XYZ incompatible/problem causing thing* about themselves down the road!”
Everyone has flaws, but you should be dating someone for who they currently are, not who YOU hope they might become in the future that they aren’t currently
The big question is: Are flaws red flags? If so, there is no human being without red flags, it has never been and it will never be.
My question to all Catholic women is: Are you looking for perfection (no red flags at all)? If so, you will be forever single, or one day you will be so despairing that you will marry the first stupid guy you may find. And, along the way, you will make miserably sad to many good guys with some flaws who would do anything to love you as you deserve.
Thanks so much, Lillian!
Thank you! You have the cutest style ❤
Cool necklace!
The "Catholic Edition" capture my attention 😅
Ture
Not a red flag.
Deuteronomy 31:6 ~ Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
Why do all of the women end up talking about dating on this channel but the men don't? This is part of the issue. The closest we get is men talking about porn addiction but they don't get content about actually relating to women and dating. It feels all on us to avoid pitfalls and to choose wisely.
I think the "go with your gut feeling" advice for women is particularly unhelpful, respectfully. Like it or not, women can be highly emotional. Relationships take a lot of risk which is probably why modern dating and marriages often break up at the first sign of adversity. People let their emotions (gut) rule as opposed to truly being open to new experiences, perspectives, or letting their guard down. And by "new" I don't mean things contrary to the Catholic faith, I just mean being open to letting someone else take the lead and trusting people. Yes, people can be cruel but opening ourselves to love and trust is important. My mother married an Episcopalian who later converted to Catholicism and he was the best father one could have. This highly selective dating tactic isn't necessarily a good thing.
I’ve found the complete opposite to be true, and my “gut instinct” turned out to be the Holy Spirit leading and guiding me to safety every step of the way, even if people said I was “illogical” or “over emotional.” It’s almost like God designed women to be different than men, and that’s not a bad thing.
Yeah, it’s all about discernment. I’ve struggled with anxiety at times (like gone to counseling for a time, not just stress etc…) and it takes experience and practice to learn to distinguish between “uneasy - something’s wrong” gut feelings, “it’s just relationship anxiety, stop worrying” gut feelings, and “hey this might be something to talk through, but don’t get to worked up about it” gut feelings. It can be complicated to discern, but gut feelings really can be useful! Just know yourself and your patterns, and don’t act rashly just because of a feeling. Emotions are data! Use them as such - make decisions while taking the data into account, don’t let your emotions de facto make the decision for you.
Men have a “gut feeling” that they follow as well. A lot. But nice attempt at sexism and labeling us emotional. That’s a classic
@@juanis8219 I said "can be", not "always are" or in a necessarily bad way. Like it or not, there are differences between the sexes in how they process information or experiences. This is not "sexism", it's the truth. Interior discernment is just as important as discerning others whom you associate with. Discernment such as, "maybe this commenter on RUclips isn't being sexist but just pointing out biological truths" and assuming positive intent, that may be a good place to start.
@@littledrummergirl_19 absolutely, that's exactly why I stressed "can be overly emotional". This isn't to say gut feelings have no purpose, it's just that some people drop things at the slightest adversity or differences of opinion. That's not a genuinely discerning mindset. But you're right to get a second opinion on how to process these things and I applaud you for that!
You had your lust goggles on not your love goggles 💀😂🙏🏼0:08
I met a guy online who's Catholic and we belong to the same charismatic community. We've been talking for 4 months before we finally decided to meet in person. We went out 4 times now. We have good chemistry and enjoy each other's company. But I can't ignore the fact that we're not on the same page when it comes to values. Although we're both Catholics, he's leaning towards modernism which is different from my being conservative. He's not adamantly pro-life, is open to same-sex unions, doesn't see taking communion on the tongue as appropriate, and doesn't agree with wife being submissive to the husband. I just wish he was as conservative as me. Please tell me if this is worth pursuing.
P.S. I haven't opened up my concerns to him yet so I don't know what he's gonna do to settle these.
Hi! Maybe you should have a one to one session with each others values, pray first then, you can discuss openly. If it doesnt work out, that's a great way to say, you dodge a bullet? Or if he's willing to change his mindset, by praying more, I think that's a good start. What charismatic community are you in? :) -Gab from Ph!
@@gabriiielalias Thank you for your words, Gab! We're both Singles for Christ. :)
He's liberal. Move on.
@@alaric3056 Agreed, modernist fake catholic just like video host. Move on indeed.
I rather be with someone that is pro-life and a Catholic than deal with someone that is liberal and doesn’t believe in religion. That doesn’t sit well with me at all. Praying until the day I find my perfect match. God bless. 🙏🏾
I have nearly given up. I have found ZERO men of quality. I have tried meeting guys organically but online/dating apps are the norm now and they have not been kind to me….even Christian Mingle (bleh) and Catholic Match (literally…no one! And it’s not a popular enough app, the few guys I matched with lived far away). Bars are not my thing. Seriously! I’m not in my 20s with a giant friend group network. Where am
I supposed to meet anyone? (Of quality??)
As hard as a pill this is to swallow, what we want is a reflection of who we are. If we just want someone to dominate and control (this goes for both men and women) then it’s not a marriage but a dictatorship to which even if someone singed up for it would not make you happy having to micromanage everything because it’s a life without God in it.
It’s excellent that you are being proactive in searching for a man as well and vetting who comes across your way. I usually have trouble being proactive as a man because I am often tempted to give up on relationships as well after seeing so many women who don’t believe in God and are promiscuous. However, biblically speaking a man is to come purse you in a way unique to him, and you as a woman as to accept his pursuit and invite him in a way unique to you making him feel safe enough to open up and take on a relationship. This is reflective of the way Christ came to pursue the Church and Ephesians 5 is a great place to understand the marital relationship.
Take some time to focus on your relationship with God and growing yourself spiritually since you have done a lot more than most people already in being proactive and looking for someone for so long. God may just be telling you to take time to pause and see where He is leading you in life and in your relationships since it’s so important to Him. He will guide you but we as humans aren’t always the best listeners to Him who always speaks to us in various ways beyond what we expect of Him.
This may not be an option for you, but you could consider moving. I am considering moving, mainly for that reason.
Dont think you have all the time in the world. You have way less than you think. You may only ever meet a few good opportunities. Dont self sabotage because you're afraid to miss out on someone even better.
Biological time clock lol funny when they hit 30 all of a sudden they're now giving men a chance. No thanks as a man now in his 30s I now have leverage that women had in their 20s and I'm going to use it.
Can these things be applied to me even if I'm a guy?
Many of them can
Just be confident and bold in your intentions. Dont let the woman doubt that she ever gave u a shot. If u wanna take her mc donalds for a first date, Double down and make it the best date she ever had aha.
And as for if what she is saying applies to you, fundamentally no. Men and women are biologically and socially and financially different, they can afford to be picky and analyze the shit out of our manerisms and choices. Whereas men just have to be the best that we are capable of and hopefully find a sucker to atract for the Long run
Absolutely!
This really helped…thank youuu 😊
you're kidding, right? a lot us [men] never even get to that step. i was on Catholicmatch for 15 years and had precisely one woman respond to me.
What does this have to do with the video?
Hi excellent video thanks for sharing ❤️✝️🙏😇
The “love goggles” that’s so funny!
Can u talk on the pressures of sex before marriage in a relationship
Why are you not on Rumble ascension presents?
Please help. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm a software engineer, video games developer, and I haven't been to mass for so long, talk less of confession. I've tried severally to do what's right, but if it's not work, it's tiredness, like total exhaustion (I desperately need rest, and I use my entire weekend for that)
I'm not Catholic (yet). But, if you're unable to get to Mass for whatever reason, I would recommend at least making an Act of Contrition and an Act of Spiritual Communion every day, as well as going over the Mass readings, which you can do even if you're not able to get to Mass. Then make a plan to return to Confession and Mass when you're able. Hope that helps.
The best place to rest is in God's house. Go to an adoration chapel for 15 minutes and just sit there with Jesus. You don't have to think about work or anything. You don't even have to try to talk with God. Just be there and rest.
Going to Mass and confession will be natural next steps when you find value in spending time with the Lord and start to prioritize that time. St. Augustin says: "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you, O Lord."
It’s because the spirit of your flesh is at odds with the Holy Spirit leading you to grow. Prayer is the answer along with making efforts to go even if you don’t feel like it. It will become more important and natural after a while. Read the parable of the of the two sons in Matthew 21:28-32
One practical point is that there are some masses at odd times; e.g., early on Sunday afternoon. So, even if you are so tired that you sleep in on Sunday, you could still find a mass to go to.
Why don’t you just go to mass/confession? This seems like an easy fix
If they don't like starwars or Lord of the rings. Big red flag. 😊
Uhhh...I think you mean immediate deal breaker 😂
Or Trek
Being a single 57-year-old man, who has only recently become a Christian and a Catholic, and who spent his early years failing miserably at relationships, I can tell you that relationships are hard, and finding the perfect person, is well, idk, maybe the wrong way to think about what a good marriage is supposed to be like. Though I get it, right, cause we want all the things. We want physical attraction and sexual chemistry, we want cultural affiliation so that we can share together our mutual love of what is true and good and beautiful in arts and culture while thumbing our noses at the philistine tastes of others, etc etc etc, and idk, I don't know what the answer is. I am trying to become a good enough person to find a wife, but at this age I wonder what the point even really is anymore. It could be the game is over for me.
I think a lot of people commenting didn't actually listen to the video and are just picking the part's they like and ignoring the part's they don't
Like everything was a red flag on my last date. I’ve never experienced anything like it.
Red flag might be some aspects of moral that respective person is ambiguous about. Like indisputable subject on the matter.
Hi. I agree with your what u said in ur video. I believe that we human being are aware of the red flags but we deliberately sometimes choose to ignore them as we want the relationship to work. And, you are right saying that we have to trust our guts n mostly the inner voice (most likely - our guardian Angel) warning us that sthing is not right with that person. So, I pray that all Catholics men/women who are single like me find ppl who are our real match. And , that our hearts/minds/spirits are open to the guidance of our Angels when choosing our life partner. In Jesus’ name 🙏
I,m A Single Christian Man From Ohio Looking To Date A Woman Who Is In That Type Of A Relation Ship I Treat My Women Like Gold
Also can you truly accept someone for who they are . We all Got flaws ... Like I don't even like who Iam but it means I can change. And if your spouse is willing to then they can change
Butterflies means anxiety.... And yah the guy feeling is tough cuz I'm like yah I'm always anxious so I can't always tell
Off topic, but where did you get your necklace?
The problem with expecting anyone to have arrived is because christ doesn't do that to us. Christ takes us as we are but we are ALL fixer uppers. Gotta be real and honest.
I agree. 😊
The thing is, we are not God and marriage isn’t charity work.
Agreed. Nobody has arrived prior to marriage otherwise there's no point in marriage if you've already arrived lol... it's a Sacrament for a reason. Within the last few months I watched an Eastern Orthodox priest talk about this topic and he was saying modern day people are way too picky and selfish... he's dead on lol.
We can't change someone, especially when they don't want to try
@@jacobwoods6153 so ture.
Ask God whether it is the will of God or not before making any romantic relationship. If it is not the will of God, simply don't make it lest it will lead to destruction of your soul.
If your vocation is to marriage, then it is God's will for you to pursue a romantic relationship that will lead to marriage. I do think that praying for the right person for you is important. But, you can't rule someone out unless you date them.
@@phoebeahi again, firstly, let God decide if your vacation is to marriage or not. Secondly, don't assume that it's God's will for you to pursue a romantic relationship. If God wants you to marry a certain person even if you don't have romantic relationship with the person, then you should get married. It's is always better to do the will of God than ours.
True Christians should always seek God's will instead their own will before dating anyone. Most of the people get trapped in the offer that Satan presents in their lives which is difficult to reject for worldly pleasures.
Marriage glorifies God and pleases Him. However God just does not all the time tell people up front who to marry or not. He leaves the choice to us but wants us to consult Him always and His Word. However I understand that if God makes it clear and tells someone to marry a particular person even if they don’t see how it’s possible or why then it’s better to do so and obey God than be in disobedience in which you are right about.
@@Justyouraverageguy172 not all marriages glorify God and pleases Him. The only marriages glorify and please Him are the marriages which is the will of God. The marriages done for the sake of lust, worldly pleasures, own will rather than God's, don't please God.
If it's the will of God that you marry someone and not yours, then a true follower of Jesus Christ would marry him/her because it is the will of God. e.g St. Joseph the husband of blessed Mary.
God does give us freedom of choice out of His divine nature. It's upto us whether we choose His will or ours. If we love Him we'll choose His will and if we love ourselves we will choose our will.
@@Theunspokentruth77exactly. You knew where I was going with this and communicated it better and to the fullest extent.
Thank you.
Question: If in the beginning your girlfriend is thinking and talking about getting married for the majority of our relationship. But recently, she stated she's no longer thinking about that. Is that normal?
Run bro. She's already cheating
You are in danger, figure out what's going on because there IS probably something going on that is making her reconsider marrying you, but it's pretty safe to say she is losing interest in you. I can tell you that because I've been there. She might be scared to just tell you hey I'm not interested in you anymore but I'm afraid of losing the comfort of having a boyfriend until I've at least secured another man. Good luck
Be upfront with her, and see what she says and does
I agree with the other commenter who said to talk to her about it. It could be that at the beginning, she was more enamored by the idea of marriage in general than discerning your compatibility. And, now, your relationship is no longer just an idea but a journey together. Or, she could have lost interest in the relationship as someone else suggested. Either way, it's best to try to figure that out right away so you don't waste each other's time.
I also know of women who become contrary or pick fights because they want their boyfriend to propose. We are complicated beings. Tbh, there are some women I can't understand.
That’s not normal as there’s a sprit at work that doesn’t seem like it’s from God in my view. There is no fear, powerlessness, and selfishness with the Spirit of God. Best thing to do is test her spirit and discern her motivations. Is she cheating? Is she Just idolizing the idea of a relationship and now afraid? Or is she just not prepared and trying to rush things by pressing you at the start?
I suspect it’s a combination of the demonic enticing her give into fear to cheat, lie to you, and dominate the relationship, and the selfish desires of the flesh at work seeking the pleasure of the emotional thrill and seeing it’s wearing off.
I'M TRYING I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A GOOD MAN.
Or anyone trying to date me, or asked me before, yes granted I'm a bit reserved because I freak out a bit when I see a guy I like.
Guys, if a girl likes you what should we (I) do?
*help me*
We men are quite simple. So if you meet a man you like, you could just tell him directly. Or if you feel like that would be too much, then smiling and giving him compliments are some good hints than you like him :)
@@GurtGobain With guys I know I told to them, trying to connect but I think I overtry? Idk
For those I don't know, I don't do anything like what do I say?
"Hey I don't know you but you're cute!"
I overthink everything.
Be kind. I had a girl who's personality I fell in love with. Also, beware coming off as too attached at first. It can attract predators.
Lillian I wish we could go out on a date to a nice dinner
Love more dating advice!^_^
Does age matter if she's 2 years younger than you during school?
No. 2 years is nothing.
Not liking the Office- Major red flag! 😂
If you’re taking auditions, I’m interested ( respectfully)
I’ll go after you
Third here
she got 3 so let the TV dating game begin
With good Christian people, I sometimes see self-righteousness emerge. They are decent, good people with good intentions and good character. After time, you sense/hear/see a self-righteous criticism of others. That turns into a red flag/dealbreaker for me. Ironic, since I see self-righteousness as unattractive character weakness, yet, in a manner of speaking, aren't I being self-righteous in my judgement of that . . . hmmmm. Sticky wicket.
Lillian Fallon, will you marry me? Subject to getting to know one another…. We are both Catholic. That’s a good start.
If they are not a virgin is that a deal breaker?
No,not at all
It depends on if they repented of their sexual sins and behaviors. Jesus call us to forgive those who have sinned against us every time the way God does with us. It should be noted though a woman or man could lose their virginity from one bad mistake but not be hooking up everyday with a person like their worldly counterparts do. Such people will be truthful and honest with you about that mistake when asked knowing sexual fidelity is important.
If you are a virgin man, and she is not a virgin, unless you also have some kind of serious past mistake that she has to accept, there's always gonna be a feeling on some level that she is not good enough or that you are better than her, whether she feels it or you feel it. That's not completely wrong either, because only one person put in the hard work of preserving themselves for God and their future spouse.
@@rx0102yes. And it takes the love of Jesus to accept the past is gone and this is the present where there is no condemnation in Christ.
It should be. No self respecting man takes on used goods. No mother can instill good morals in children when she has none herself. And a good man is within his rights to want to raise a family of his own, not a string of other men's illegitimate by-blows.
There is this girl in church that I like, I have greeted her a few times, but never really spoke to her. Would it be inappropriate to approach her, considering she is 21 and I'm 33?
yes, thats inappropriate
but why? @@SenorCinema
I don't think that's inappropriate, she's an adult, some people do not mind age gaps
I think you will get different answers from different people since this is a borderline situation. The age gap is pretty significant. My answer, not knowing anything beyond what you have told us, is that it depends. Yes she is young and 12 years is a big age gap even if y'all were much older, but legally she's an adult and if she is emotionally mature for her age that helps. You need to realize that you are "rocking the cradle" a bit here, and you should approach this carefully, but I don't consider it completely taboo. If y'all get married, one day you will be 54 when she is 42, and that doesn't sound unreasonable. Age gaps in couples become less of a deal the older one gets.
Unfortunately she was not in mass this sunday. But I have decide it to do it. One thing I didn't mention is that I have caught her glancing at me sometimes, which may be the reason I thought it would be ok, but then again I look younger than I actually am, and she could think the gap is maybe like half of what it actually is. So would it be a good idea to mention this as soon as I can? So in case she give me her number or something believing I'm younger, it does not becomes embarrasing or dissapointing later on to learn that I'm older @@malbowz1257
Lilian, when I am ready to date and have no red flags, I wish to ask you out! :)
That's a red flag right there😅
Lol, ya never know - St. Joseph does a good job shapin' up a man @@karlheven8328
@AscensionPresents - The link to her book is broken.
Why do Lilian and Jackie Angel look alike? And Mari Pablo also looks like them.
The state of dating is so sad and disgusting that I have begun advocating for arranged marriage. It's only going to get worse from here if we don't correct course. For those divinely called, we shouldn't be waiting
If you're called to marriage, I think it's important to not lose hope and to keep trying to find your person. Yes, the world is wounded and broken, but God is with us. The right relationship will happen in God's time, not ours. I'd rather wait to meet the right man naturally than not have a choice in who I marry, tbh.
@@phoebeaagreed as God does not force us to marry anyone or those we don’t want to because love is not selfish nor insist on its own way like St Paul tells us.
I both agree and disagree. Yes we who have received the calling for marriage shouldn’t put off preparing for marriage and ordering our lives towards God until our 30’s like modern society lies to us about. However, arranged marriage takes away our free will depriving us of the choice to freely give love to someone and receive love. There is a reason why God did not force Adam to accept Eve when he brought her to him. Adam freely chose and accepted her.
@@phoebea If God calls you to marriage, you follow through. When you say "God's timing", you are putting God to the test. That is not God's will for anyone.
In the future, your choice will more likely be between WHETHER you marry and not WHO. You will have created this problem for yourself as the good men get married while you wait for "God's timing"
@@Justyouraverageguy172 I have to remember arranged marriage is often misunderstood thanks to movies. I would give an honest look into it. It actually gives women a lot more security and selectivity than dating does in reality. This was the norm until the 1940s
Word
I think we should call the flags a different color than red….