This was an incredibly powerful podcast… Esther showed SO MUCH GRACE.. I might be bias to the female perspective but it was hard to hear where/if he he was willing to change & meet her even half way to her needs. Looking forward to the follow up & leaving room for what I can’t see outside of my own bias… TY !!! I continue to be grateful for the knowledge/ vulnerability that others are willing to share ❤
This was so fascinating to listen to. As someone who has experienced trying to communicate (reaching out to the other) while the other struggled with a fear of abandonment, it really resonated. The idea of understanding each other is so simple, yet the tools-empathy, listening to understand, and letting go of defensiveness-are absolutely crucial for a relationship to thrive. It also sort of highlights the importance of self-acceptance on both ends -- you are never 'too much' or 'too little'!
Wow, the 48'-49’ is so enlightening! I nearly shed tears. There is a sudden connection between his childhood experience and current behavior, especially the shifted roles. So insightful!
This closing passage is just GOLD "There is a reason why you keep coming back and a part of it is because sometimes we pick someone with whom we finally will transcend one of the original challenges of our relational lives. Each of us, we have certain relationship challenges that we bring and the question is - with whom will we work them through? Not if and when but with whom. And we often do it with the person who brings it out the most, because then we have all the ingredients necessary for the replay and maybe for the repair. Till now you've been in a replay. Now the question is can you use it for the repair? And this, you're equal on that one." Thank you, Esther, for how eloquently you are able to articulate relationship wisdom. 🤍
there is no single moment of putting someone in a box or label of any attachment styles. yet as I listened, i short of have a sense which one is which. very insightful, empathetic conversations indeed
Thank you 👏🏼 This videos timing is perfect for me. My issue isn't the same, and the relationship has not ended, but I am at that point where it's time to sit down for a chat, and work out can this work, is it worth saving, where should we begin. Exaclty what I needed to hear before we speak 👏🏼
This is clearly a dismissive avoidant relationship with anxious attachment! I've wasted 6 years in a toxic push and pull dynamic that left me crippled and codependent. Don't bother wasting your time, woman. It's not going to end well unless he actually puts in the effort to change. Otherwise he will dangle you the closeness before your eyes and makes it impossible to reach.
That might be a way to look at it. And I noticed some symptoms of this dynamic too. But your reaction makes me curious: -What triggered you to come with this specific response ? From what personal experience do you draw the conclusion this woman is wasting her time ? -What have you learned from Esther’s interventions, her observations and analysis, and her conclusions ? For me this session got way further than just diagnosing a DA/AP dynamic and discarding it as doomed to fail. Both people have their wounds being in the way of their connection. And recognizing them within themselves as well as in each other could be an opportunity for growth and connection. Two people who struggle with effectively communicating their needs and hearing what those of the other one are. But also two people that still have feelings for each other. I must say I was impressed by the way Esther coached this couple and I think a lot of us can learn from this by listening carefully to the questions, the reactions, the interaction and the answers. Btw: did you notice in the end the man admitted deep inside he craved connection just as much as the woman did ?
I agree that he sounds like a DA. He was acting like it was an obligation rather than a joy to connect with her. That can feel very invalidating to a partner. He also sounds defensive and does not express empathy. He rejects her bids for connection.
I usually spend "transition time" outside the house, so there is no conflict. Generally, I find modern, small flats terrible, especially those without any possibility to retreat because all the rooms are shared. We give each child a room for themselves but deny it to ourselves.
Many people who struggle with intimacy have been sexually abused as children. The memory usually gets cancelled, but what remains are the feelings of unease and shame, as well as the "stubbornness" to defend one's body and space around it.
How is the "I hear you, period. NO but- < I recall it being different in fact >" works if the wife is imagining things when she is stressed. Giving up on his own perspective could mean living in gaslit conditions. Facts do matter. Otherwise, what is the "camera on the wall" stands for.
Usually I don't comment .. but I did not really what this lady was appreciate.. what she was grateful for.. I think she was very pushing what her needs was .. but I could be wrong.. man has different mindset.. as we women can be a bit codependent.. maybe that's was the case??
I don't agree. People trigger different things in each other. Another relationship will have its challenges but its not guaranteed it will be the same dynamic.
Strangely, there seemed to be no validation of this guys feelings but instead he's told he has a problem that stems from his parent pushing him away. He's tired and allowed to be so. He brings up the valid point that some seasons of a relationship, there isn't a need to be on each other all the time, but that it doesn't mean you love the person less. He is basically told he's being defensive and more focused on his rationale than his partner. What isn't brought up is why his partner feels so rejected all the time. This doesn't sound like a simple welcome home kiss that she's looking for. Why would she want to make out with someone who is only doing it because a therapist told him he needs to. If he's tired, he's tired. In other sessions Esther has suggested one partner decrease their efforts and make the other person initiate things a little more. I also don't hear why this woman decided she wants to give it a 2nd chance. They were a part for a good year, so what happened during that time? Has she been in many long term relationships? Sorry but I disagree with Esther on this session's advice. This guy is not responsible for his partner's feelings. Yes he has to be respectful of them and kind, but he has to also be in a relationship where it's okay to say, "let's do a date night and check in with each other, so you can have all of my attention, I don't feel pressured, and you don't feel rejected."
I felt like that a little but but she did say she chose to target the one who can make the most ripple (which in this case is the one most resistant to change)- him
You’re not responsible for your partners feelings, does this thought bring a relationship closure? Esther was very clear that both need to be accountable for their behavior. You may not be accountable to anyone’s feelings but, making a disruptive relationship work means taking accountability and understand how your actions may affect your relationships.
It is worth a second chance, although, it depends who it is. If it's my ex-husband, then, no. If it's the wonderful gentleman I caught up with in a diverse setting among his friends ... it seems worth catching up again. I've been missing him.
We didn't end up getting dessert after our meal. Don't know what's happened with communication ... tech issues and communication from messengers lost in translation ...
His energy was so much younger than that of a man in his sixties ... and he was respectful and kind and gentle and I no longer felt adrift ... it felt lovely.
I wish I could have melted into his arms and sit comfortably. He is attractive, intellectually and is handsome. I was open to him giving me a kiss, if he wanted - that was at the end of last year in November.
The husband feels the family pression to succeed to love instantively his wife because her behaviour is negative that is why the husband does not recognize his wife that the man loved before while the wife wants to make the best for honouring their wedding as the wife does not communicate enough for the moment like she told them what her husband excepts towards his wife as the seven love languages because the both of them does not talk enough about what they want together and each other together towards better for the both of them as a married persons from the preach of God in the James King Bible at all. #RuthProverbsAndPsaumsFromJamesKingBible 💍📿📖
It’s so funny that the most men say absolutely the same like him and all relationships fail! Because of women criticism.. It doesn’t matter how often we change the man.
It looks like, A person can be xy and have testicular feminisation. Discrepancy, if person is put on birth certificate as M or F and then they decide for themselves, versus if put on birth certificate as X and a person can choose any three at any time. Or, 48 syndrome or etc. According to PubMed nih gov testicular feminisation, occurs in one out of 20000 births - if I've remembered correctly, there is a higher chance of being born with testicular feminisation than the chance (one out of 100000) of getting covid in Australia during lockdowns. For 48 Syndrome, 48xxyy or 48xxxy according to Medline plus gov there is one in 18000 to one in 40000 assigned male newborns. According to health direct gov, intersex variation happens in about two in every 100 births, which apparently is the same as the number of people with red hair.
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
This was an incredibly powerful podcast… Esther showed SO MUCH GRACE.. I might be bias to the female perspective but it was hard to hear where/if he he was willing to change & meet her even half way to her needs. Looking forward to the follow up & leaving room for what I can’t see outside of my own bias… TY !!! I continue to be grateful for the knowledge/ vulnerability that others are willing to share ❤
This was so fascinating to listen to. As someone who has experienced trying to communicate (reaching out to the other) while the other struggled with a fear of abandonment, it really resonated. The idea of understanding each other is so simple, yet the tools-empathy, listening to understand, and letting go of defensiveness-are absolutely crucial for a relationship to thrive. It also sort of highlights the importance of self-acceptance on both ends -- you are never 'too much' or 'too little'!
Wow, the 48'-49’ is so enlightening! I nearly shed tears. There is a sudden connection between his childhood experience and current behavior, especially the shifted roles. So insightful!
Thank you Esther for your outstanding insight! And thank you to this couple who accepted to be vulnerable for a podcast. I wish you both the best 🙏♥️
The way you teased the story out of both of them was fascinating! So glad they could make this discovery
This closing passage is just GOLD
"There is a reason why you keep coming back and a part of it is because sometimes we pick someone with whom we finally will transcend one of the original challenges of our relational lives. Each of us, we have certain relationship challenges that we bring and the question is - with whom will we work them through? Not if and when but with whom. And we often do it with the person who brings it out the most, because then we have all the ingredients necessary for the replay and maybe for the repair. Till now you've been in a replay. Now the question is can you use it for the repair? And this, you're equal on that one."
Thank you, Esther, for how eloquently you are able to articulate relationship wisdom. 🤍
Shes a very smart woman to speak to their wounds gently vs pathologizing them and leaning in so quickly to attachment style types
there is no single moment of putting someone in a box or label of any attachment styles. yet as I listened, i short of have a sense which one is which. very insightful, empathetic conversations indeed
Thank you Esther, for the good you're doing with this podcast ❤
Thank you 👏🏼 This videos timing is perfect for me. My issue isn't the same, and the relationship has not ended, but I am at that point where it's time to sit down for a chat, and work out can this work, is it worth saving, where should we begin. Exaclty what I needed to hear before we speak 👏🏼
Extremely professional and very detailed.Dear Esther, you are amazing.Thank you
Thank you once again Esther
Strength to you
They're not on the same team. He sees her as his competition. Hope she moves on and finds a better partner❤
Ester thanks for all your advice. They have proven useful
A great watch, as always ❤
This is clearly a dismissive avoidant relationship with anxious attachment! I've wasted 6 years in a toxic push and pull dynamic that left me crippled and codependent. Don't bother wasting your time, woman. It's not going to end well unless he actually puts in the effort to change. Otherwise he will dangle you the closeness before your eyes and makes it impossible to reach.
My thoughts EXACTLY!😑
Nailed it!
That might be a way to look at it. And I noticed some symptoms of this dynamic too.
But your reaction makes me curious:
-What triggered you to come with this specific response ? From what personal experience do you draw the conclusion this woman is wasting her time ?
-What have you learned from Esther’s interventions, her observations and analysis, and her conclusions ?
For me this session got way further than just diagnosing a DA/AP dynamic and discarding it as doomed to fail.
Both people have their wounds being in the way of their connection. And recognizing them within themselves as well as in each other could be an opportunity for growth and connection.
Two people who struggle with effectively communicating their needs and hearing what those of the other one are. But also two people that still have feelings for each other.
I must say I was impressed by the way Esther coached this couple and I think a lot of us can learn from this by listening carefully to the questions, the reactions, the interaction and the answers.
Btw: did you notice in the end the man admitted deep inside he craved connection just as much as the woman did ?
I agree that he sounds like a DA. He was acting like it was an obligation rather than a joy to connect with her. That can feel very invalidating to a partner. He also sounds defensive and does not express empathy. He rejects her bids for connection.
He knows he's stubborn. Why hasn't he tried to change? No motivation.
Certainly, Pobody’s Nerfect ( smile) but I wish that I had the relationship wisdom of Mrs. Perel. It is my opinion that she is perfect.
I usually spend "transition time" outside the house, so there is no conflict. Generally, I find modern, small flats terrible, especially those without any possibility to retreat because all the rooms are shared. We give each child a room for themselves but deny it to ourselves.
Thank you
Love you ma'am.
This was beautiful 😭❤️
IN OUT
Many people who struggle with intimacy have been sexually abused as children. The memory usually gets cancelled, but what remains are the feelings of unease and shame, as well as the "stubbornness" to defend one's body and space around it.
so what should they do to repair and prevent the negative dynamics?
15 mins in and the answer to me is already "No."
How is the "I hear you, period. NO but- < I recall it being different in fact >" works if the wife is imagining things when she is stressed. Giving up on his own perspective could mean living in gaslit conditions. Facts do matter. Otherwise, what is the "camera on the wall" stands for.
Usually I don't comment .. but I did not really what this lady was appreciate.. what she was grateful for.. I think she was very pushing what her needs was .. but I could be wrong.. man has different mindset.. as we women can be a bit codependent.. maybe that's was the case??
I didn't hear .. typo
This couple belongs together. I hear love and desire on both sides. If they break up, she'll have the same problems with the next one, and so will he.
I don't agree. People trigger different things in each other. Another relationship will have its challenges but its not guaranteed it will be the same dynamic.
You don't have same dynamic and challenges with all your friends/bosses/coworkers/children/parents.
❤
she needs to respect and love herself, and that will lead to her leaving this avoidant man for good 🙏🏻
Strangely, there seemed to be no validation of this guys feelings but instead he's told he has a problem that stems from his parent pushing him away. He's tired and allowed to be so. He brings up the valid point that some seasons of a relationship, there isn't a need to be on each other all the time, but that it doesn't mean you love the person less. He is basically told he's being defensive and more focused on his rationale than his partner. What isn't brought up is why his partner feels so rejected all the time. This doesn't sound like a simple welcome home kiss that she's looking for. Why would she want to make out with someone who is only doing it because a therapist told him he needs to. If he's tired, he's tired. In other sessions Esther has suggested one partner decrease their efforts and make the other person initiate things a little more. I also don't hear why this woman decided she wants to give it a 2nd chance. They were a part for a good year, so what happened during that time? Has she been in many long term relationships? Sorry but I disagree with Esther on this session's advice. This guy is not responsible for his partner's feelings. Yes he has to be respectful of them and kind, but he has to also be in a relationship where it's okay to say, "let's do a date night and check in with each other, so you can have all of my attention, I don't feel pressured, and you don't feel rejected."
I'm so happy you're not a relationship counsellor.
I felt like that a little but but she did say she chose to target the one who can make the most ripple (which in this case is the one most resistant to change)- him
@@CherDelelol,I was thinking the same.😂
You’re not responsible for your partners feelings, does this thought bring a relationship closure? Esther was very clear that both need to be accountable for their behavior. You may not be accountable to anyone’s feelings but, making a disruptive relationship work means taking accountability and understand how your actions may affect your relationships.
It is worth a second chance, although, it depends who it is. If it's my ex-husband, then, no. If it's the wonderful gentleman I caught up with in a diverse setting among his friends ... it seems worth catching up again. I've been missing him.
I wish he would communicate. He made me laugh, I felt comfortable in his presence ... I would have liked to spend more time with him ...
We didn't end up getting dessert after our meal. Don't know what's happened with communication ... tech issues and communication from messengers lost in translation ...
No way is he deficient.
His energy was so much younger than that of a man in his sixties ... and he was respectful and kind and gentle and I no longer felt adrift ... it felt lovely.
I wish I could have melted into his arms and sit comfortably. He is attractive, intellectually and is handsome. I was open to him giving me a kiss, if he wanted - that was at the end of last year in November.
So painfully slow just to listen to these people.
The husband feels the family pression to succeed to love instantively his wife because her behaviour is negative that is why the husband does not recognize his wife that the man loved before while the wife wants to make the best for honouring their wedding as the wife does not communicate enough for the moment like she told them what her husband excepts towards his wife as the seven love languages because the both of them does not talk enough about what they want together and each other together towards better for the both of them as a married persons from the preach of God in the James King Bible at all. #RuthProverbsAndPsaumsFromJamesKingBible 💍📿📖
It’s so funny that the most men say absolutely the same like him and all relationships fail! Because of women criticism.. It doesn’t matter how often we change the man.
I feel like she’s in another relationship already. I could be wrong
It looks like, A person can be xy and have testicular feminisation. Discrepancy, if person is put on birth certificate as M or F and then they decide for themselves, versus if put on birth certificate as X and a person can choose any three at any time. Or, 48 syndrome or etc. According to PubMed nih gov testicular feminisation, occurs in one out of 20000 births - if I've remembered correctly, there is a higher chance of being born with testicular feminisation than the chance (one out of 100000) of getting covid in Australia during lockdowns. For 48 Syndrome, 48xxyy or 48xxxy according to Medline plus gov there is one in 18000 to one in 40000 assigned male newborns. According to health direct gov, intersex variation happens in about two in every 100 births, which apparently is the same as the number of people with red hair.