Should I Stay Or Should I Go? - Letters From Esther Live
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- Опубликовано: 15 сен 2024
- Have you ever been in a relationship where you were constantly breaking up and making up? Anyone who has been knows: when it’s good, it’s great. And when it’s bad, it can be miserable.
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Relational Ambivalence-those contradictory thoughts and feelings of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear-makes us constantly wonder: should I stay or should I go? The resulting whiplash is exhausting, not only for the people in the relationship but the people around it.
In this month’s workshop, we’re exploring Relational Ambivalence and the practice and patience it takes to better understand when it’s time to get off the ride and what it means when we want to hold on.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Relational Ambivalence.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: bitly.com/lette...
“When someone treats you like you’re just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by Removing yourself from the equation. Sometimes you have to try not to care no matter how much you do.Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you. It’s not pride, ITS SELF RESPECT. Don’t expect positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people. Don’t give part-time people a full time position in your life. Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.”
Well said 🎉🎉🎉❤
Very well said
I was stuck with a narcissist for 27 years, not always bad, many times good.But after he died I went to Asia and became an ESL teacher and had the best time of my life for the next ten years. So never be afraid to leave and go.
What a great encouragent to all of us who think that with so much time passed in pain, there is little hope for good.
What is ESL?
I can’t believe you give this advice out for free. I wish you were my therapist
I wish this every time I listen to her!!
It was interesting to see in the live feed, that there’s a lot of fear around doubts… But doubts are normal. And they give us valuable information about OURSELF. If you take the time to dive deep (like inner child work), you may find a “life bucket” that’s a bit empty. We doubt because we are feeling unfulfilled by our partner/ not getting what we want & are unhappy about it….But the more interesting question is: why would you hand someone the keys to your happiness? Only you can fill your buckets. Only you are responsible for your happiness. Only you can ask for what you need in your relationship. Only you can set boundaries for you. Etc. Your partner is the dessert in life, not the main course. Happiness is an inside job.
If you have doubts, that’s your authentic self telling you to pay attention. And yes, if you’re in an unhealthy relationship, but you’re doing the work (for example), you might doubt that is the right place for u to be. Honor yourself, your intuition, your values. If you can operate from a place of love, you’ll see the doubt is normal & good. It’s a flag for u to do the inner work, and to honor yourself. ❤️❤️❤️
😘 beautifully stated.
I love that ❤️ very well said.
This really spoke to me. Thank you!❤
Very very true thanks for sharing those words of wisdom
Yup.
It's hard because both sides of the ambivalence feel so real.
I left my abusive marriage and the transition was horrible.
Again, I left my other relationship and I was Thankful.
Both relationships have no regrets. I have three children with my marriage and they are my life and purpose to live fully.
My last relationship was my greatest lesson it made me realize my worth and values.
Now I’m on my healing journey, I know it needs a lot of hard work.
Thank you, Esther, for these wonderful insights❤
My heart wants to stay my head says logically i should leave
Did u stay
this pathological dance between avoidant and anxious attachment.
Have you found solutions? I like the school of life.
@@heartspacerelaxations6924 Yes, therapy. The School of Life is also helpful for introspection and reflection but therapy is really needed to break the patterns.
Stop dancing!
@@reneesadhanagutierrez979 1: Therapy 2: meditation 3: contact with nature 4: good sleep/rest 5: eat healthy ( cut out super processed foods, rafined sugar) 6: cut out nicotine, caffeine ( creats alot of anxiety), have strict controll on alcohol or cut it out totaly 7: cut people who are high in narcissism out of your life ( 4-5 red flags= cut out). 8: more alone time 9: quality time with people you trust,respect 10: Let go of people, things,habits that are holding you down/back.11: do it all in a slow controlled maner, health is not a competision.
12: Educate your self on stoicism and zen, it’s gonna help you slow down the pace of your brain. And to see things more clairly « as they are».
I have found the best results in the Crystal Dating approach.If someone has an emotional need to avoid me, I'm only too happy to take the steps to help them regulate. Call me an empath lol.
I am from the Philippines, I am amazed on your insights and perspectives. And also on the fact that problems in relationships do not differ that much regardless from which country or region you are from.
There is a thing called, co-dependency. And there is a very thin line betweens to ambivalence and co-dependency.
What someone tells you is the truth. A person will not change unless they choose to. If they project their past on you, they are the problem, not you.
The man I have been in a relationship with now for 9 months introduced me to your brilliant view on things. Thank you for all you teach.
As I listen to this talk, it resonates so much as I have experienced ambivalence many times over these last months. What I have come to understand is that much of ambivalence arises from my own sense of self - from fear, doubt and old trauma. As I travel a road of self healing and self acceptance, I am more inclined to “patience”. To allow things to unfold without constantly being in a state of civil war, a frenzy of expectation or diving into the despair of unworthiness. Patience is hard to master and it’s important, I think, to not confuse it with compliance or adjustment for the sake of peace and a partner.
I think EMDR Therapy can be helpful.
I have been alone for 4 plus years, realizing that I had work to do within myself.
It was difficult work, but I didn't give up and over time, I realized what I will accept in my life and what I won't tolerate anymore.
I have also learned along the way, to always trust my intuition and gut instincts.
It never steers me wrong. I have enjoyed the time spent on myself and the things that I have literally learned.
Your phenomenal. 💕🙏
@@heartspacerelaxations6924 what is 'EMDR therapy'?
I remember in my 20s agonizing over this very question. I asked a beautiful Korean woman I worked with, "Dont' you ever fight with your husband?" She looked at me so strangely and replied "why would we do that we love each other" I never forgot that profound, straight from the heart answer. If its love it shouldn't be hard work, it should flow the majority of the time. I took my husband of 30 years to my therapist and she was kind enough to sit for 2 hours and ask questions. In the end in our next session, I asked her opinion, she said he is "gone gone gone across the field and over the fence" she was right, that was 8 years ago. I had tried to have patience and wait for his 5 year affair to end. The dating game is not fun, but neither is indifference.
“Love shouldn’t be hard work.” So true. There should be a difference in opinions but no fighting because neither partner should be trying to convince the other that they are right, and the other wrong. True Love is unconditional., but most don’t have the capacity to do that because we don’t live outside ourselves- we live through our egos. Love is also nurturing, understanding, and most of all, I think love is peace.
I think religion and the idea that we’re to be patient in marriage keeps people in unloving, disrespectful, and abusive relationships. The idea that someone is supposed to tolerate hurt until the other makes up their mind or finally sees that their person is the one because they’ve stayed and tolerated them is like dying by a thousand cuts. Meanwhile, the faithful partner withers away, losing themselves within the relationship.
I pray you are in a better place. 30 years is a whole lifetime. Sending Love and light
You Should have married an Asian man instead.
@@icephoenix3565 too small
@@goldencatpat found the white incel
Are you still together
I have been holding on to my relationship for quite some time now and I wish I had seen this video earlier because it would have made my decision easy and fast. I am glad I was bold enough to end it anyway because I was lost in myself. Just watching this video has given me the clarity to re-enforce my decision. Thank you, Esther
It does not surprise me that her perspective is so human, so compassionate, so helpful.
I relate to a lot of what you are stating. Sometimes I feel like I don't trust myself to make a decision.
I completely don’t trust myself to make relationship decisions
@@adriannedubins2778 Hi Adrienne, I completely understand what you mean. Do you mind if we chat.
Trust your feelings. Are you happy. Crying more than crying??
Sounds like you need therapy. That is to learn this " Skill". Also remember that doubt are normal in life. Learning to 1: live with these mixed emotions 2: learn to take responsibility for your emotions and not to blame others or the world for them. 3: see that all you realy can controll is how you " react" on these emotions. Both on a intellectual and emotional level. That is the mind creats feelings and thought on their own
@@adriannedubins2778 why don't you trust yourself ?
This type of relationship is a waste of time. You have to know who you are and what you want out of life to make a decision. My opinion is that you should leave anyone that constantly dedesturb your piece of mind and we'll being.
Bottom line in my opinion: If I meet someone, who lives by the Marilyn Monroe theory "If you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". To that I say B.S.; We can love our children unconditionally, but there has to be conditions with a lover! If someone, a man or woman, often loses control and loses respect in the moments they are 'at their worst', because of some internal issues THEY HAVE, not you, it's time to respect yourself and get out of that see-saw relationship. It's toxic and those worst times are bad for your health! When you know youre flexible and motivated to compromise and/or express a desire to communicate and they've never fully had that motivation, their bad behavior is likely not due to some abnormal quirk in your behavior and attitude.
How do you know if the issue is Internal for them, or the reaction/action as you say that was Out of Control was induced by the constant bad behavior or disrespect by the other? How about if the person who lost control always remained poised, yet had a moment. People are human?
@@bellakim9404
You're absolutely right. Getting mad or upset on occasion might be totally justified ! It is human. I'm not talking about those occasions. I'm talking when you're with someone that has a short fuse, with many, not just you....it could be their X's, their friends, coworkers, etc. Sometimes it does take a little critical thinking to separate normal "human reactions" due to justifiable irritants, to that of often "losing control". Can there be a grey area? Of course.
@@sn7miller I appreciate that answer. Thank you.
In ur 1st exercise, I would ask things like:
Are you respected for your feelings, needs, and decisions or, do you find ur talked out of them, and disrespected, silenced, or shamed?
Have you each maintained ur independence, or do you feel dependant on ur partner that ur not good enough without them?
Do you find ur partner is more "my way" controlling and you're more "ok I'll agree even tho inwardly I don't" adaptive?
Who do you feel works harder at the relationship to grow, support, encourage, solve conflict?
Can you each agree to disagree?
Are you mutually solving the conflicts or are the conflicts never solved and redundant fights?
Do you feel worthless and unlovable or is ur partner partisan to making you feel worthless irrelevant or unlovable?
Are you using manipulation to get ur partner to see ur needs, feelings, and hope they'll respect n love you deeper?
How do you address problems needs upset disappointment ect w ur partner?
How do they approach you w the same?
Whats ur idea/method of solving conflicts consist of?
Is "Im sorry" used by both parties easily in or after dynamic vocabulary exchange and ....does the behavior change afterwards?
What's your biggest fear if you stayed?
What's ur biggest fear if you left?
Are you trying to fix your partner in hopes they'll change?
Is ur partner trying to fix you in hopes ull change?
Do you have more happy days? Or are you crying more?
Do you walk on eggshells most times until u get those moments of romantic bliss dopamine hits?
Are the romantic dopamine or nice moments hits lesser and lesser, in shorter duration and in less occurence?
If you need to ask that question then there is already a problem! Don’t ignore your intuition....
Ambivalence.....
What do you need and want? Does the person hurt you? Does the person respect you and your values? Do you trust the person? If you have to walk on egg shells, is it worth it? From your past, how are you continuing a cycle? Which is more comfortable for you, being uncertain or being alone without dancing between suffering, not being true to who you are and what you want? What is lonlieness to you? What type of support system do you have?
Wow. Well said. So many layers.
The idea that we experience the same thing differently has never occurred to me. And it explains SO much. I want more to understand this for myself. And maybe this is why I experience so much frustration and even anger
As someone who has had ambivalence in relation to parents, friends, partners and even jobs, this resonates. Listening to that inside voice has been vital for my decisions on these matters.
La mery
Yes ❤️
What an incredible gift to us you are Esther
wow. "it made sense at the time in the context I was in. You can't judge the decision of then with the criteria of the future"
Ambivalence has been tormenting me and my marriage for years. I only recently learned to accept it and it made life and relationship so much easier and more pleasant.
The things you said (29:30) about ambivalence helped me a lot to go to my selfresposibility!
Thank you!!!
I have been going thru this cycle in my current relationship, but not to such an extreme extent…but it’s still literally been said: should I stay or should I go. I am writing this before the end of the video so I can’t wait to hear the rest!!! You have no idea how much your videos have helped both myself and my “fiancé”
This was great!
I would love to hear you elaboration of this within marriages.
I love listening to this woman 😊
As always, thank you Esther for sharing insight with your audience and having a conversation with us rather than blaming or pointing fingers or silencing. You help us to learn how to shape our thinking about relationships and in turn live better lives.
How I relate! Sunk cost and stable ambivalence. I’ve been ready to leave for 20 years, but a divorce seems so violent, and I have hated having double celebrations for all major moments in my life because I have an insecure stepmother who won’t share the room with my mom. I don’t want to possibly put my kids through that. And the money is a whole issue. And my husband is a good guy, overall. ~sigh~
Any update?
Same, I have been married for two years. And when it's good its the best relationship I have ever had, I feel so happy and complete. But when it's bad is horrible and the thing is that keeps getting worse. During our last fight, I had a massive stress rash
That's like me. 18years - good relationship but lacks a certain fire passion. But has everything else. Sigh sigh 😏
Having been through infidelity, it is so difficult not to listen to intuition as she asked for divorce while we were going to therapy. It's a matter of reinterpreting who I am overall as a man, as a human, as a father of a little girl, as a lover... it's devastating at best and takes a toll on both mental and physical health.
I feel the same :(
16 minute. I would ask, “Is this person doing right by you and does (s)he have your best interests at heart?” Someone gave me this advice once and it changed my life. Full dead stop when I hesitated in my reply. Love your videos, books and podcasts!
Hello Lydia ☺️
@@kellybradley4912 No. Just no.
I'm 23 right now and I'm in a ambivalent relationship. :D
It's funny how my age sounds "far away" and "not that important" from a mature person, but me in my perspective I feel like my best years are going away and I won't encounter a better man than my bf and I will regret losing him forever.
@VioletSkyes93 thank you *so much* for your answer. I was going to end the relationship at some point, but your comment made me sure I shouldn’t wait for that “less painful point”. It’s going to hurt a lot, but this is not the relationship I want.
I’m very sorry to hear your story and I understand you must be going through so much…
I really hope you won’t be doing too much comparing with that woman, because it just doesn’t have any sense other than destroying your self-esteem..
Probably I can’t even imagine how much it hurts you, but you seem like such a beautiful, kind person, who absolutely deserves the best.
Your ex clearly doesn’t have a very decent character if he could waste years of somebody’s life like that, which makes me think he won’t be a very good man to that other woman either.
I don’t know if you’re at the stage of accepting this information, but it’s honestly great you don’t have that fake person in your life anymore.
Of course you won’t get the time back, but objectively you’re not even 30 yet. At least in my country most people don’t even consider looking for a serious relationship until that age and are considered super young. For sure nobody thinks here that “youth finished at 25”😅
Sorry if something I wrote was unclear, I’m not a native English speaker.
Send you a big hug. ❤️🥺
@@susie5101 Jesus Christ. 61? Good luck.
Esther, I can't thank you enough for this video. I've just watched it and wasn't present live (I recently just found you and just finished your MasterClass/binged all of your RUclips videos!) This one in particular has been the most helpful to me. It's helped me realize where my relational ambivalence towards my husband comes from. Hint: it has nothing to do with him! This has given me a lot of renewed confidence in our relationship. Thank you.
This concept of relationship ambivalence has cleared so much of the confounding I was living with ☀️
same with me, i have a better understanding now, it is called ambivalence relationship, leave when we argue, I can't take it anymore then I give one more chance, but things never get better.
She's the most stylish psychologist on the internet! I love the way you dress. I'm a fan! 😇
“Is this resonating with you?” YES!!! A million times over… ❤️
Do not expect ANYTHING if you are not able to meet them yourself.
9:52 Your therapist was a genius! Her strategy matched King David! Genius.
And Esther brilliant for her follow up call to ask the revealing question.
Do I choose/make decisions based on
1: how much I love you or
2:how you make me feel?
If it’s bad it won’t be better.
I found her a few years back, and I thank the gods for it. Her wisdom and insight - priceless.
I was in a relationship for 3 years with a narcissist and for me it was him making me fall in love with him because he was so good to me in the beginning and then to see that change that they all do it's sad and it's heartbreaking because they make you believe that they want a future with you but it's just an illusion
I’ve only been in two relationships, one a 46 marriage to a narcissist, the second to a handsome, intelligent, fun, sexy, AND a bipolar man. The good was as you describe WOW, the bad was BAD. After 4 years I knew I had to GO. I did go back and then out, then back and then out. I knew nothing had changed once the thrill window was gone. I felt I was disrespecting myself, i left for the final time and have not looked back. Not easy but necessary.
Thank you Esther! Your contribution to humanity is so amazing. I love all of your content to date and always look forward to more. Thank you for helping me create the man I am and am progressing towards :)
Do not apologize for your beliefs, values, decisions.
I just ended a 6 yr relationship. My partner was the best at just giving me enough to keep me in, but not enough to truly grow with me. He used to say that the love he has for me is like nothing he could describe, but I was always left with a feeling of coldness. He continually kept secrets and many woman “friends” but I was the woman who met his family etc.
I'm noticing that I'm feeling contracted and have a tight stomach listening to this workshop. A lot to digest and think about. Love\hate resonates.
As an initial reaction, what comes to mind are the following: needs, values, history, and power.
I used to know someone who used to talk a lot and mostly about herself. I feel tremendous empathy for her. She was going through a ton of issues, she had no vocabulary, she needed help, was crying to get it, and had no idea how to get it and where.
Thanks for recommending your book. I'll read it soon as the trust topic is super important to me, especially now.
I notice that I matured so much as a result of listening to you thinking out loud in those workshops and doing your magic on your podcasts. It's important to me that you know how grateful I am to you, Esther.
Love.
Yes Esther. Listened to many of your talks over the last year or so and this one has as well not failed to inspire me. You have so much value in what you say to allow needed evaluation and different interpretation of ourselves and others that we value. We are all given a spoken language and it's such a shame that vocalising true thoughts and feelings don't always spill out to deal with the trauma and chaos of the bumps in the roads and I have had so many of them. Thank you for your dedication and knowledge to this cause as it is so needed. Love and blessings xx
"I only am as good as my last performance"... wow... Just one quote out of this video, I could find minimum 10 quotes that are so good and stay in mind... So rich.
I often wonder about how final and risky these decisions feel because our society is so individualistic now (in some places). So it feels like letting someone go is so final, we may never see them again, they'll go off and do a new life etc. and won't necessarily stick around in the community. I've always noticed what a struggle it is for people to adapt to a new type of relationship, and how often they just completely separate for good to avoid this tension growing pains of finding new patterns. I am romantically involved with someone I live with (among other housemates), and have found that after much up and down, indecision and drawing and erasing lines, there appears to be a path 'of least resistance', which perhaps sounds weak and passive, but I feel it's so exhausting to resist something out of fear of it being wrong, that it feels much more refreshing to just 'go with the flow' and accept the risk that entails. As a woman, I also find it interesting the role that my hormone cycle plays in how much I want intimacy vs. not, and really helpful to communicate this to partners.
Thank you for this comment. I feel this 100%. The cycles thing absolutely and that also plays with ambivalence for me too. X
Well explained
Love your teaching ❤ Esther . I been 41 years married
I admire you, you say so many situations that I been there. I've been leaving my marriage since a year after my marriage 😂. And look at me l am still here. Covid has saved our marriage . From Malta ❤
I would ask you, how often, how frequently you feel like you want to leave the relation or how often you want to stay? Which feeling is more common?
The hardest thing was feeling like we were competing with each other. 50/50 Not trying 100% toward the other. Work to do everything and not fully seeing love should be natural and easier. If I am more emotional mature than he is, and he blames me for many of my mistakes. I ended a very long marriage. I have more work to do on myself realizing he can’t make me happy. Listening to you has helped me. I never knew how important loving myself 2as and taking care of some basic needs Need to be first. Hardest decision ever .feeling like the consequences to stay would be worse than being on my own. I am trying to deal with the shame I feel about this decision… but I am staying with my decision now. No more yelling and fighting.
I am having more and more serious thoughts about ending the marriage, and it has been a decades long marriage. I relate to you and the things you must be going through. Would really like to chat. Sending love and wishes for strength and peace.
she cheated on me more than once, but I could never decide to leave. I was stuck until she decided to leave, and accused me with all the things that she did herself
Esther, thank you for being so inspirational and brilliant.
It's an undying attraction, even when we are upset or not happy with one another, I feel entitled to my partner intimately. I also think about the acceptance and comfort, versus the consequences
maaaaan, Esther you are DOPE. Thanks a lot
Things are bad and I know what I have to do, and I know what the consequences would be but I’m afraid of the consequences
You have been such an inspiration Esther, love all your talks. Help me navigating this confusing world. Thank you!
Greatest for breaking the confusion & seeing a different way to respond to impermanence.
This episode felt very personal because I think I am in a relationship described above
Yes me to did you stay or go
Am from the Middle East/GCC/Arab & yeah I do love & Follow you,, simply because I like your thinking 💭 😄💐
The cycle is hard. I want so much to stay but he can't stop cheating and lying. I know I have to walk away but I'm not sure I can deal with the loss of the other good from the relationship. The pain of the lies and cheating is also really deep. And it doesn't stop
Currently in a situationship with a man who doesn't want a relationship, but each time I distance myself, he comes back stronger. And I believe we're not compatible long term, but the sex is amazing and I don't want to let him go. I get very jealous. I hate this ambivalence.
Wish I had found this video sooner. This is exactly what I've been experiencing the last year and some change in my 3 year relationship. We were very intertwined and compatible, but at the end of the day our differing values on monogamy vs polygamy became a breeding ground of mistrust, ambivalence and resentment. I waivered in my feelings going back and forth with the relationship many times and still have feelings for him. Throughout our relationship I blamed his wanting to be poly and my wanting to only be monogamous on growing up traditional vs both his parents being married multiple times. I foolishly thought being that since we entered the relationship agreeing to be monogamous that, that was where we would end up. But he kept trying to manipulate and talk me into being poly, but wouldnt consider couples therapy. There became so much unspoken tension I couldn't see him through any other lens and it became hard for me to want to be intimate or affectionate. I'm glad I stood my ground and took a stance on what I wanted. @24:09 really helped confirm my decision.
Sounds like my situation 😢and I am still here as if I am waiting for his permission to let me go or waiting for him to see my worth 😢
I love your brilliance .. i always get goosebumps hearing you speak. Thank you for helping so many of us ❤️🔥
This is such a wonderful discussion. Made me go through a lot of thoughts. Thank for you this 💕
Thank you I've been having this and a few other of your videos on replay. This has made me more mindful about myself, my relationship and how I think about it.
Can you please talk about attachments please!!!!🛑🛑🛑
Esther thank you much to you doing all this videos!!! We are so fortunate to have you in RUclips!!!!❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for this wonderful workshop Esther. I wasn't able to join live and so have just finished watching the replay. You are so great at capturing the duality of ambivalence and explaining it in such a way as to be understood and contemplated, by my personal brain and my professional brain! Thank you.
i have been in a relationship where i counld't speak with boys and then with my friends and then i coulnd't be speaking with my family so i broke up
I’ve been dealing with this within myself while she assumes everything is ok. Today is my last day because I’m moving out and it hurts so bad. Guilt, regret, and I have feelings for her still and I tear often. But what you said at time stamp (17:50) is why I had to push thru for 2 weeks during the holidays while my apartment is getting approved. So many times I wanted to just give up and stay. The negative feelings of wanting to leave just disappeared during all of this and I had to rely on the many many times I said I can’t do this anymore. Time stamp (29:40) is exactly me right now.
I hope you are in a better place now ✨ it was a very brave decision
@@lauhany As of today, I’m in Colombia 🇨🇴 visiting my now girlfriend I met last February while living in my area on a work contract. We lived together almost half the time. We’re intentionally creating our life together. We’re always communicating, similar goals, I’m an affectionate person and so is she, we’re planning our future as a couple. I’m actually moving there this May. I was planning on moving abroad prior, just changing the location to Colombia, and maybe somewhere else together. If I had stayed where I was, this possible dream wouldn’t have happened, or would have been doing it while in a very unhealthy/incompatible relationship. I retired at 51 a year before leaving, and I had so much inter pressure. I believe something kept giving me misery as long as I was willing to stay in it.
Thank you. I just feel I lost my time
The last straw he left me alone after my father pass on Christmas. I feel anger
But free at last.
Im so sorry that happened to you. I do commend you for taking that step
How can we use therapy to try and decide if ambivalence is to be managed in the relationship or if we should leave... in other words, how to take the other to couple`s therapy in order to clarify this?
Very interesting thank you! I believe that relashionships are here to make us evolve and grow, they highlight the parts of us needing to be healed (it started at childhood), then you can decide to do that in full awareness with your partner.
If you never heal yourself you can change of partners it will always arrive at the same point.
We often are attracted because we are opposite polarities, once you healed and grow you decide to stay because there is enough love and common interest or change of partner.
I am working with my clients in order to be the best version of themselves and loving themselves enough not expecting to be completed by their partner, taking their responsibility and power.
i was ambivalent even after reading that book “too good to leave, too bad to stay”. we divorced.
I read that book too. Do you still feel ambivalent after taking action?
10 of 10!!! Explained SO well!
This is pure gold!
I ve been trying to leave for 30 years now. I’m sick of my husbands family and the bullshit!! I’ll leave when I’m financially ready!!!
Good luck, you'll be waiting for another 30 years
Esther- thank you . I love your work🙏🏽
I don't know if this is a typical ambivalence case but what to do if you end up in a serious relationship with a partner abroad, you love him, you are happy to be with him, but in contrast you hate his country and want to move back to your homecountry with him but partner is stuck to move due to serious life circumstances (family issues, sick elderly parents etc). A battle of love and calling of your roots... Should you stay or go??
I am in the same situation and have started to resent my person. Did you decide to stay or go? Did things change for the better or only got worse over time?
thank you Esther! always so enlightening and helpful ❤️
At what point will you allow your boundaries to continue to be broken.
I'm finally in a relationship after 5 yeas of solitude after a painful break-up with the father of my kids. I I feel great and the man is lovely and I feel very safe and he makes me happy! Everything I asked for. We are together for 9 months now and we started bumping our heads over some differences and I find myself again in my old patterns of the ambivalence where I thought I would never find myself again, because I've explored all corners of myself and healed "I thought". Now I feel threatened over finding something attributed to his old life and former relationships and i am the same insecure, hurt, lost child again who just want to run away and hide or just ruin everything myself before he even starts doing so by pulling away. I am feeling a lot of tension nd would love to learn how to resolve it and stay together. But seeing how he reacts to our arguments, i realize that I mean much less important to him than he is to me and that he loses all his enthusiasms and gets disappointed of who i am instead of standing ready to talk it over and address things with a little extra love and care when it is so much needed on moments of vulnerability for me...
Always amazing advice! ❤️❤️ Smiles from The English Sisters
Just now listening to this today - 7/8/24 and I feel really confident about informed. I appreciate the clarity and insight from this. Answering the question - how does this feel?
I definitely can relate and am agreeing with so many people here. I now just want my lady to hear these words in confidence that we still can work through hard times rather we are together or apart 💪🏽💜😎
This is so helpful to me, Esther, thank you for doing this 💖
Your position is very compelling and rang several bells in the problems I had in my first marriage. Very informative! Thx -
I ask do you love him/her or are you loving the person you pretend them to be or WANT them to be.
Wow ... Love it
"What makes it so hard?"
This certain dilemma between emotions and thoughts. I rather want to have a depression then loving someone who avoids me... My move is to leave problems i can't solve, no matter how patient i am - i'll move on my way. Does it fit or doesn't it, that is no question!
This is what l would say. If you had been in a home where parents etc.,were solid grounded people you would know if someone was only going to make your life miserable, you would instinctively know to dtop the situation in the best way possible. Otherwise if you had unstable parents you would act out of fear of consequences, financial, personal. Just what l have worked out for myself.
I've come from an unrelated space. I sought a recipe. Got this VIDEO instead.
Ughhhhh.......I guess I'd better find out "WHY"........
Ah.
"Critical Questions" were asked.....today I want recipes,....but today is not MY "DAY".
GUESS IT BELONGS TO THE "TEACHER",......
Who has decided to answer TODAY questions I had YESTERDAY.
Also, I lack patience. Also "new" to me.
I enjoy the challenge of having found myself here.
I am GLAD strangely enough, for what I do not understand....and that is YOU.
Wow, I'm right where I need to be.....
I'm a father too though. How do I bridge this gap? THE ONE BETWEEN YOU, and those who are MINE?
I will let TIME and WISDOM cross that gap for us. Human is being....KNOWING is accepting. Shit.....I haven't said a single new thing.....
WOW! This was amazing! You are amazing Esther! Thank you!!!
My wife has abused me verbally many times and assaulted me physically more than twice, I am running out of the excuses not to leave!
My question would be, first, what can we do to make it better? We already know what makes it bad.
After 46 years of marriage, 4 children and 9 Grandchildren, i don't think i can take it any longer. Years of up and down, being pushed away sexualy and emotionally. Physically and emotionally abusive in the past. I'm so afraid to leave everything I've known for so long.
Thank you very much dear Esther for this interesting topic and for sharing your insights. To all those who asked questions: thank you as well.
Everyone has been a YOYO once!! If it's BAD OR GOOD it doesn't matter. If your suffering. GO! Ps. I think you're the BEST Dating Coach in the Business!! You're MY muse!