Thank you for sharing Jenny , I just recently did the same thing and I don’t regret it . Why? Bc I have a husband and two boys to think about and I refuse to have them around that negative and toxic energy!!
I love this, but would add one thing. If the toxic person you’re dealing with is abusive in any way (verbally, emotionally or physically), empathizing with them can be dangerous. If you empathize with someone like that, there is a chance it will keep you around longer and just destroy you. Sometimes it’s better to cut certain people completely out of your life - even if they’re “family”.
and what if it is not possible? What if you have to see the abusive parent again at a reunion, wedding or funeral? playing victim all the time and abuse you emotionally again and again?
I have family their loving have conversations with me almost on a daily basis after I've served their purpose then they cut me off don't respond or answer my text, phone calls they call back after a week or so throw me a bone I lap it up and it's back to all over again to not answering my calls. Totally frustrating I'll get depressed blame myself well must be me I'm too toxic for her. NO it's HER she has a history of this behavior with me and I'm sick of it. I hope someday she gets her own medicine back to her. It feels like I'm being picked up then dropped on a concrete floor. I don't need it.
Right. Because they will stay in that negative manipulative loop for as long as you allow it and it wrecks my health and takes me a week or longer to recover. Totally agree!
@@myfuturepuglife yeaa so true.. I have headache and cry, if I think too much into it, how and why of their behavior.. I believe I have narcissistic parents. Seriously want to get out!
I agree, my mother raised me to consider putting my own feelings first as a massive betrayal of her so I've had to train myself not to have empathy for her. In order to wriggle out of the enmeshment. She has demonised me of course but I know that all I did was stand firm in my own interpretation of events (in a gaslit swamp)
I truly believe that we are meant to live independently when we become adults . Away from family. Create your new family with like minded people. This is pure joy!
@RainbowDreams30 I'm with you on this. Why spend a holiday, like Christmas (which I love) with people that make it miserable for me? I'd rather not even be an observer of a train wreck. No thank you! I'd rather be with friends or people that actually care about me.
@@vickigonzalez1714 I'm thinking funerals illness too, say thanks, acknowledge pretend like you're going and just don't show. What are they going to do, talk about you bad?? They do that anyway.🤷
It's true. I think when it comes to people who are that mean (especially if it's their abuse that caused our depression, anxiety or PTSD) we should just stay away from them, especially at holidays. Holidays are supposed to be about expressing love and sharing happy times with people we care about who also care about us in my opinion. Happy Holidays to you.✌🙂
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt. It’s not what they say or think. It’s how you react. Their opinions are theirs. You don’t need their approval nor support. Find the people who understand you, and ignore the rest.
Is true, I'll never understand. I had anxiety depression... i hated it. I looked for solutions that worked for me, Sedona method, the works of byron katie. I am a happy person, who is also very serious. -- As soon as I become aware of a habbit, behavior or thinking pattern that is not serving me... than I must deal with it. My Mom loved to play the comparison game, and I would straight up tell her that I am not those people. Yes, we argued. I still respect her bc she raised us well on her own. And she my not know how to express her feelings, but I've observed how she dealt with anyone who tried to talk shit about me... she stands up for me, because she also respects me. (Unless she's upset with me.)
@@reardelt so am i my sister always talks behind my back wont give her my number or take anything to do with her i actually hope i dont meet her in the street as i dont want to
My nuclear family and even my MIL and FIL are great. It's the sister in laws and various aunts on my mom's side that are the problem. Fam on Father's side are more reserved which is nice.lol
@@sakhilemathumo-mhodi2901 but don't you feel vindicated and realize it's not just you or yours and as my cuz calls it the Rockwell pics are a durn lie. Connect with your God and keep it moving. I wasted 67 years. Use therapy and whatever it takes to shut down them and the old tapes in your head. Nice guys may finish last, but at least in peace.
It's more pity instead of empathy. I'm not interested in pretending to be in their shoes, when the emotional turmoil many of us experienced was from 0-18+ and these people are still unwilling to behave. I was never allowed to be myself or I was the bad person, so the less contact the better.
A FREAKING MEN!!!! I AM TIRED OF HAVING EMPATHY honestly the problem is I too much empathy for these people especially my father. He refuses to change and til this day in my 20s continues to say hurtful things to HIS OWN daughter. The funny part is he treats other peoples daughters well and expects me to be a slave and take care of him. I AM DONE AND FED UP!
I haven't spoken to or seen my toxic parents for the past year, my mom passed away 4 months ago, dad past away 3 wks ago. I have no guilt over not seeing them and didn't even shed a tear when I heard they passed, they had made me cry so much through the years that I felt no emotion for them sadly.
I'm happy for you. I actually was forced to go to my toxic grandmothers funeral. It was torture but I got through it. People were acting as if I didn't exist or they praised my brother for being her favourite.
I had a very similar experience. Both my parents gave me and my sister up, and kept the younger two. They wanted nothing to do with me, it hurt so bad until I realized, I don't care. They both passed away, and I wasn't sad.
My mother was abandoned when she was 5 and it really did a number on her. I often feel like therapy would be beneficial for her to deal with all of that but she isn’t willing to go. But most importantly you are a precious human being!
That is ok, Linda. Just because they are your parents or family does not mean that you have to be around them, especially if they had caused a misery in your life. Love yourself and always be gentle to yourself, because nobody else will do this part for you. Like-minded people do deserve to be in your orbit; and remember, you, yourself, are just enough. Sending lots of love your way ❤❤❤
And a highly narcissistic, selfish solution. Hopefully, they find you nauseating enough that they don't care. Hopefully, you're not using children as trump cards in your game.
Often when someone wants to stay away from family like that it is actually because the relatives that are being avoided are narcissistic, or some other kind of toxic people. There are people who have narcissistic or alcoholic parents who continue to emotionally abuse their adult children who feel obligated to spend holidays with them. You mention children. Children should certainly not be exposed to mean, toxic people just because it's the holidays. I think we can agree that holidays should be a safe and happy time for them. I hope your holidays are spent with nice people. ✌🙂
Exactly. Nobody's perfect, but if your really have a horrible, toxic person or people in your life who don't care about your feelings you shouldn't feel obligated to spend the holidays or any other time with them.
Growing up Latina, we were raised that family comes before everything. Basically we were raised that we have to put up with our family just bc they are family . My parents and brother are very toxic, they’ve always judged me for everything! The way I dress, the friends I have, the guys I’ve dated you name it! I moved out at 19 years old and stayed as far away as possible. I’ve always tried to have a good relationship with them but they always push me away. Not to mention they LOVE DRAMA!! No matter how many times I tell them to stop coming by my house unannounced, to stop coming by my house with gossip and drama to stop criticizing me and also to stop throwing the favors they’ve done for me in my face they always disregarded my feelings saying I’m being overdramatic. So recently I decided enough is enough!! I needed to cut them off for my peace of mind for my sanity bc I don’t need negative energy in my life! I’m now 35 years old and a happily married mother of two beautiful boys and I promised my boys that no matter what they will never experience the drama I endured growing up mind you I almost committed suicide bc of them!! Let’s just say now I’m happier than ever with the family my husband and I created !! Just bc they are your family does not mean your obligated to put up with their shit and you don’t owe them anything !! YOUR PEACE OF MIND COMES FIRST !!! They don’t feel guilty for treating you the way they do so don’t feel guilty about cutting them off sometimes it’s necessary for you to have peace happiness and tranquillity in your life .
My mother made my feel guilty for her and all of her brothers\sisters ephews ieces\, so I paid a lot of money and energy for them until my mother died. And now I just want cut relationship with them for my own sanity!
I became real to myself at the age of 33, I changed my friends and some bad habits. I still have some work to do, but I feel much better with me, myself, and I.:) thank you, Mel!!!
I recently turned 33! I'm going through the same thing as you right now. I got fed up and tired with the toxic bs and family members. All I want is to focus on what's important for _me_ right now and what/who makes me happy and feel welcomed. It's a necessary shift that has to be done in order to save myself and my peace. We only live once.
I never understood these forced toxic holiday evenings. Growing up I loved being with my family, but my grandfather was a huuuge pain on those days for all of us. Grew up, moved away, stopped talking to him and my mother and I'm so much happier since then. I'm not gonna force myself to spend time with people that I don't like, even if they are family. Still love Christmas tho
When will people understand you do not need to interact with family. There is no law you have to interact with family. I kicked out some family members out of my life years ago. Be a wolf and not some faking sheep. Grtz from the Netherlands.
I would say, under circumstances of extreme narcissism, gaslighting, or equally unpleasant levels of emotional/psychological abuse, you are better off just cutting those ties altogether and having a healthier and happier holiday with people who are not out to emotionally harm for kicks. Narcists will never give you the empathy or emotional validation you need. But I do appreciate your advice Mel in terms of "normal" situations with unexpressed resentments or roles that create frustration and anxiety around the holidays and how to deal with those.
I have a toxic aunt as well. Has always been negative and thought the worst of me since I was a child until now. 2 years back and last yr she would call me and be so negative. After her calls I would feel so depressed and I still recall all those events and get filled with so much anger. When she texts me she doesn't even bother asking how I am she just wants to track my progress in life. What I am doing. That's all she cares about. I think she compares me with her children. I told her recently about her behavior and she denied everything. I have made the choice to remove her contact and stay away from her. Which will be hard coz she is my mom's sister.
I'm glad that you mentioned the exception of Narcissistic family members when you discussed using empathy. Empathy absolutely does not work on them. They will take it and then beat you over the head with it. Take my word for it. I tried empathy on one particular lost person for 15 years; now I am utterly exhausted.
I think i understand . Im really sorry. I haven't been with a narcissistic person for that long but I already feel like I lost my identity and im no longer the innocent person I used to be.I think it drained me from my compassion and that just makes me feel horrible about myself. It's really sad but let's not lose hope, alright? Stay strong.
peachycrown67 I can definitely relate. They use us for a charge, like a battery. I think the secret is to not buy into the untrue and unfair things they say to us and about us. We already know they are not dealing in reality; why should we trust their opinions of us? We shouldn't! Stay strong and keep reminding yourself who you really are. Wishing you the best💛
peachycrown67 Thank you💛I forgot to mention earlier: you might want to check out a channel on here called "Surviving Narcissism" by Dr. Les Carter. It's seriously priceless in helping to deal with these people, especially the Covert Narcs. He's the best. I hope it helps!
If you control your reaction you will probably become depressed for not letting out what u feel and not expressing yourself. You don't control shit. You're the boss of nothing. That's motivational bullshit
Thank you so much Mel. My "sister " is that way so incredibly toxic. I was finally so incredibly happy when she told me that I was no longer her family. I was so sad at first, however as time goes by I have realized how toxic she truly is and was actually really great full. This video just helped me even more so thank you!
Oh man! Why does it hurts when you know already what you need to do - which is to stay away too! The hurting part is the thing that makes it hard and you can’t even control it. It’s like grieving I guess.
My sister is accusing me of not helping her resolve the conflict with our brother who will no longer speak to he r I am the middle child and feel compelled to be the peacemaker and have done my best to support her She is alone and I know how she has suffered in her life with relationship and mental health issues so I cannot cut her off even when she wonders out loud if I am even "family" anymore. A cousin has called a meeting to try to sort things out so we can celebrate the upcoming holiday season together. I am not very positive about the outcome and don't even feel like going now. One last try!?
Not going to help - it’s still gonna ruin your mood - and you’ll feel sad-it’s not worth it ! Even better is - go spend time at hotel with your loved one - don’t waist time with people who don’t appreciate you . Family doesn’t mean you are life sentenced !
I feel physically nauseated when I have to have contact with my mother’s family - they are beyond toxic, critical, jealous, two faced people - once I had to run to the bathroom and throw up after meeting one of them after a long time. Me and my sisters spent our whole childhood, teenage and young adult life being criticized and ridiculed by them. After over 10 years of having contact with them ( I live overseas now) I had to come back to help my mom who is sick with cancer. I have lost a ton of weight and am on the best shape of my life, exercising, becoming athletic etc - one of my mother’s sisters, the youngest, who refuse to accept her age ( dresses and behaves like a teenager and she is over 60 now) jabbed at me calling me too skinny, sickly looking today. That devastated me because it brought back how she used to criticize and belittle me when I was a teenager. I tend to believe there is a place in hell for people like her, actually I believe she already lives in one ... trying to get myself back together here.....
Everytime you face a challenge, you have an opportunity. It might be tough, but take the opportunity and the reward is incredibly satisfying. Great message.
I completely DESPISE BOTH parents and so does my brother. My brother and I get along great but we can’t stand to be around them. If I never see either parent again it will be too soon. To anyone that has a close relationship with one or both parents.... CHERISH it!
My grandma has completely destroyed our relationship her and has set us against each other. Unreal of how someone I used to grow up around was the biggest hindrance to my development into what I am now.
This is the most perfectly fitted in time thing you've ever posted. Yesterday I've arrived at my parents house and just few hours ago I was looking up for any of your posts and videos on similar topics as I had The Annual Breakdown again and considered leaving to spend Christmas lonely but peacefully - no matter the consequences. Thank you so much for being always here, always understanding and changing my life one more time - in the most difficult aspect. And if that wasn't you saying it - I'd never take into consideration the fourth point. Now I'm actually excited for what the next hours will bring. Love you!
Toxic family like bad L.A. traffic you have to get through it in order to get to your destination..you must adapt to the traffic slow , stop, steer clear , or proceed w caution...we put up with any traffic situation...that s what toxic families are like bc they don't even realize how toxic they are to everyone just like what traffic does to everyone. After years of trying to fix family members that have a negative fault finding mentality this is my take on how to handle them.
These tips are good for year-round if you still live at home. I loved this video so much. The first tip, some people won't let you grow. It's just how they are. "But you'll always be my " But it's true that it's good to be conscious of my own behaviors and what I can control. 👏🏾👏🏾
I tried many of the things you have mentioned. I think you are wrong about dealing toxic family members. There is no reason you have to put up with them. All you are going to do is get humiliated time after time. Just not engaging is useless and only harms you. You're the one that has to eat the shame, not them. I agree with the person below, just cut them off. It took me 60 years to learn how hopeless it was to try and make these people happy. Live your own life. It was amazing how much better I slept once I walk away for the last time.
My advice when it comes to really stressful family members? Don't be with them. At least until you create strength in yourself. And accept the fact that they might not be people you like to be around, that's okay. The world is full of people, give yourself the right to choose people that make you feel peaceful, you have the right to have a good holiday.
Wow I was dealing with this issue recently. I love my parents but sometimes their behavior disappoints me so much & I get angry time to time. I know that my angry behavior isn't the right thing to do at that time but I can't control myself. Thanks Mel for this advice. I will try my best to ignore those situations😩
I like what you said Mel about having empathy. I found this also transformed my relationship with a very close difficult family member and a person who was bullying me in a community group. When I looked from their perspective I felt quite differently. And they started to act differently too. I treated them as humans, not as "superpowers over me". Weird but it worked!
Thank you so much for the video - for someone who's still a minor and doesn't necessarily possess the financial or legal ability to distance myself from my parents, it really helps me a lot to regulate my responses and reactions and general mindset around my family ♥
Someone once told me imagine you are at a boxing event, you are a spectator, your toxic family is inside the ring trying to get you to join them in the ring, don’t step inside the ring just wave from your seat. Let them have the spotlight, this piece of advice has helped me immensely throughout the years. Don’t engage with crazy
A large part of the dysfunction is our attachment to wanting others to be what we want/need them to be. Better people, more loving, kinder, more supportive, approving, generous, etc. And we keep HOPING that they will change or grow or evolve into someone else. We can't control the people around us, but we can control the amount and types of access that we allow them. We can draw boundaries, and enforce them. We can ask ourselves if the battle will matter in five minutes, and if not, walk away. We can change all of the variables associated with ourselves. That is our power and control.
As someone with toxic family, this is incredibly helpful. Not so much my immediate family but extended is so toxic. I feel so bad about myself when I get home from a family function. Thank you
I am an older college graduate and these have been comments that trigged me when I had contacts with three specific family members in the past. "Well now that you finally graduated. You are ready to retire now." "You should be ashamed of yourself taking an opportunity away from someone younger and more deserving." "Oh. You are still doing that shit." My response since has been to basically and actually say F-you and completely cut off contact. Since then one or possibly all three of these individuals have made contact with a lot of the other relatives and gossiped. I now know that instead of losing my temper and cursing I should have just replied with "Whatever" wave the side of my face like I was shooing a fly and gone home.
Amen to that. I don't really love some of the aunts' on my mother's side of the family as they always felt the need to try and tell me what to do when I was younger and I never saw them as authority figures so I always in a polite way told them to go screw. There were definitely some shouting matches in the past.As long as you are paying your own bills and on your own you are your own boss in your personal life
This goes for anytime of year also. I just watched this before I had to deal with a family member and have been doing my best at doing the inner work to heal and transform into a stronger me. I guess its gunna take a lot of practice.. I am trying really hard to set boundaries and not let people guilt me into what they want from me. I have to remember its their problem if they have an issue with me setting boundaries or saying no to things including saying no to borrowing things from me. When they either dont return them, they get ruined and not taken care of, or before and/or afterwards i get treated like crap and the people are ungrateful. I deal with a couple narcissistic people in the family and people who take advantage of me and my empathy.. So now i need to be firm and just say no i guess and walk away & not take the bait and cause myself the same turmoil like always.
"Stay on the side walk" my family is vindictive, narcissistic, evil and cunning and plotting I do feel sorry for them but I'm cutting ties and going no contact. Thanks Mel👏👏 they're all wearing a mask for hurt
I often use the ancient mantra "not my circus not my monkeys" but since that took me away from the mini family dramas my mother now has taken the route of talking ill of me behind my back (calling me selfish, uncaring, etc because of me distancing of the dramas) i know that the things she says aren't true and i'm also aware that when someone wants to speak badly about you no matter what good things you have done for her in the past or in the present she will always find something to criticize (It is exhausting but as you say "don't take the bait" do not get on board the train of emotional blackmail, so thank you for reminding me that on this video) Although in this case it does not hurt what is said, but who says it and with what intention. For my peace of mind, keeping distance is something I must continue to do, and it is a relief not to get hit in the crossfire and to not carry guilt or responsibility that does not correspond to me, but at the same time it is sad, painful and tiring to be in a constant state of vigilance when you live surrounded by people that you know does not genuinely care about you and does not mind hurting you, living in a show of fake smiles for the sake of holiday cards :(
Bring on 2024, I wish i'd listened to this one sooner. However tonight's timing is perfect after the week I've had. I still enjoyed Christmas never broke down until after the festive season behind closed doors. I've certainly grown since leaving the family home and area.I am so looking forward to not biting the bait and being little miss fix it. Thanks Mel Robbins
Thank you for sharing such an informative and inspiring video, Mel. Believe me, whoever reads this comment, you are NOT alone. I had to deal with toxic relatives for the majority of my life, and I'm only 28 years old. Their common ammunition is to use words and methods that used to affect you adversely in the past - and it's important to know that the past never defines you for who you are; the past should be interpreted as a foundation to help build a better and brighter future for you and only you. Don't feel guilty or regretful if you decide not to attend an event with toxic relatives because you can always arrange another date to spend quality time with those you choose to be around.
Thank you so much for this, Mel. I just woke up from a nap I took coz my mom just drained me off my energy. I cant believe how my own family can be so annoying; arguing over small things and fighting over at the breakfast table for who is right. But you're right, i'll just stand at the sidewalk looking and be just an audience. Or i'll just simply excuse myself from the table. It is true that my home brings back the old me.. The grumpy kid who never understood why she's all grumpy. And i found that its because i eat up on all the drama that happens at home that never happens when i'm actually back in Manila. I gained my peace with the distance i have with my family. This is really a long comment. :) I just wanted to express my gratitude for posting this just in time for me to think up my strategy on how to deal with this Holiday stress. Happy Holidays from my Family to yours. :)
Rhea Montera it’s something similar going with me how you r own family not understand you feeling very isolated and lonely please pray for me Need some strength 🙏🙏
To you Tim Janis, and your team. When one is feeling low - in fear of all conflict - the hostility of mankind, of one to another. In recent times so many players through-out this world are not on their best behavior. I think of the children - the old and infirm. You provide any and all a good and safe place to retreat. Thank You.
Hey everyone, im so greatful for this channel. I am currently going through my phase of cutting my family off, letting go. It been painful I can deal with their toxic behaviour anymore. I'm looking for someone prefer female to talk or chat with that have gone through it. Please I'm so depressed by the hurt and how they never stand up for me, but I run to their rescue EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm done being a scapegoat!
Maybe one alternative is to keep moving. Don’t talk to them more than 5 minutes and then excuse yourself and move to other spot, talk to someone else, go to the restroom, whatever... but don’t park.
lol, this is such a HUGE topic. Very good advice here. Everybody just wants love, ending standing in their own way. In my country Christmas days are the days with the most 911-Calls. The expectations at Christmas are so high, and often ends in so much trouble.
I truly appreciate your thoughts on showing empathy. Some people have never learned or developed self awareness. They don't see how speech and actions effect others. I began to understand my one grandmother when I began to do genealogy research on my family. I uncovered secrets about my grandmother 25 years after her death. It forced me to examine how I would feel if I was in their situation under the pain and suffering that they experienced. Please always show empathy to those that speak negatively. We truly don't understand what some people go through in life.
Just last night I was upset because of the things that my mom said and did which were not necessarily directed at me. Suddenly, it dawned on me to visualize all the hurtful things that she's saying as arrows aimed at every direction. In that situation I saw myself bending over, jumping up and down, and running everywhere to catch all the arrows. Each arrow stabbing my heart and hurting me deeply. When I realized what I was doing, I literally laughed out loud because of how stupid I was. I was the one causing myself all this pain and misery. I felt my heart lightened in that moment. Now, when I hear negative things from my family, I don't go around actively catching arrows anymore. Same with what Mel said about not taking the bait.
I thought "here comes another video with tips I can't really relate to and are not gonna help at all" but WHOA, no, the first one already opened my mind. Thank you so much.
It always gets worse, much worse when I choose not to react at someone angry. They literally compel me to. It's hell. So I choose being apart as much as I can.
I prayed in bed last night for God to help me cope with my family better, today I stumble upon this video. Thanks Mel. You always help. I usually take the bate but I will learn to stop.
My family always crosses boundaries in their way too personal questions towards me...i dont know how to answer because they are offended by everything i could possibly say to let them know im uncomfortable with the questions!
I just watched this today. I plan to apply this to coworkers. Great advice, "Don't take the bait". I see coworkers do this all day long, trying to get others to join their fight, cause or drama..... I usually walk away, but sometimes it's really hard.
Facing conflict: Tolerate.. how much ? Ignore... to what extent? Sympathetic lecture to the offensive parties? Excuse yourself when offensive behaviors arise ? Thanks for your advice. Unfortunately our inner response is to protect ourselves, and without self control is difficult. However I'll keep my optimism to keep a family 👪
Man this was RIGHT. ON. TIME. About to have the first grandbaby of the family and my in-laws are already about to make me lose it with the comments, questions and intrusiveness. It's giving me MAJOR anxiety.
Hello, Mel! Thank you for your practical advice. One thing I have learned from you was "don't bite the bait." I have struggled with harsh words from family members regularly causing me upset. But, I will try to use the strategy that you mentioned focusing on my response, not on what happens around me.
Nice Video,I feel when toxic relatives do what they do don't react,just say Oh,Really the confused look is just priceless smile and keep it pushing......
The very ironic happen to me today, is that, I never ever going to speak nor have any talk with my sister. Then, I was thinking now, I typed your full name, wanting to re-watch the MindsetReset starting off one of the videos of you and two pretty ladies getting ready for the rest of the other videos. Before that, I scrolled down a video of this, really didn't realize that this video had spoken to my bad day. So, I felt the lists mentioned the above, had calmed me down, again. It's more like, re-discover me, again. Thank You Mel. (Hugs)
I cannot believe it! Just had another horrible experience with my mother and then this video comes up in my suggestions. Thank you so much Mel. I have definitely stopped reacting as I used to for quite a while, but I still seem to break down, holding back tears and not saying a word. It’s just certain phrases that trigger and I don’t know how to not react to them. Would appreciate any advice on this. Thank you 🙏🏽
I love her content I have grown so much in a very short period of time watching her videos. He’s like my therapist she was the reason I got on stage for the very first time to do a comedy routine with the five second rule she is amazing
Hey.....insomnia and holiday anxiety kicked in and boom....you made me a video! 😀 Seriously, long time subscriber and student of your wonderful advice. Thanks so much. I truly appreciate all you do. Have a Merry Christmas and wonderful holiday season. DG
I'm sorry, there's no need to PUT UP with toxic people or situations.. that's the worst piece of advice I keep hearing.. Part of having boundaries is enforcing them. If going home for the hard earned holidays we have so few of causes you anxiety, go elsewhere!
Yeah, keep up with the appearances. Oh, please, the old tradiotional things do not and cannot work anymore. People are way more aware and intelligent these days to keep putting up with that kind of behavior!
@@lindsaymorley9290If you are an adult, you don't have to go anywhere. Especially a toxic home for Christmas. Why put yourself through the torture? Go if you want to practice all your boundary setting skills in real time. However, if anyone is feeling anxious about going home... DONT GO.
Every encounter with others, especially family, is an opportunity for personal transformation. I value family and at the same time, I have family that definitely triggers me. It truly does seems like a time warp when I return home, where I currently am, but remembering that I've evolved beyond past patterns and identifying the ways I might fall into these patterns and how to get out of them, is the opportunity for growth. Thank you for this sage reminder as in a few hours, my family home will be a full house again after several years of not everyone being here. Happy holidays!
Unfortunately sometimes all of these things still don’t help. I practiced them for years with a member of my husbands family but they got worse and worse. We have decided to loose the drama this year and not see them. Wow what a great decision.
Things is, I live withe my aunt ever since I was 3 because both of my parents worked overseas, and I'm the only child. And the toxic person I'm trying to avoid is my aunt. Turns out there's no escape. Sigh, I'm just going to endure it.
Thank you for this very clear instruction on how to behave. It's tough, but I'm learning how to achieve it to the level I will feel satisfied and calm. My mom is throwing baits so often and the more I behave like a pedestrian, she throws even more guilt on me, telling me I'm a coward, I ignore what she's demanding from me and it's comfortable for me to stay outside of issues, which are actually her and she's looking for someone to do this for her, she's looking someone to save her, but she doesn't put any her own effort into finding solutions and making her own life better. I'll be watching this video from time to time as a good reminder. Thanks to your words Mel I also went to the psychoteraphist, who made me realize about the reliationship with my parents.
Really a true fan of yourself Mel You've changed me a lot I'm a student i didn't liked to move out of my home didn't liked going to college but after reading your 5Sec Rule it kinda motivated me and made my ass do my work tqsm and eagerly waiting for Mindset Reset love u Mel from the bottom of my heart
Thank you really much for this,im somehow dealing a toxic aunt who says such a thing and gossiping towards other ppl about our personal life and this is really helpful to deal out of them
I never realized something was wrong with my anxiety towards one of my relatives until it's got so bad that i feel like throwing up whenever we have family dinners sometimes my hands shake and i have trouble breathing it's gotten so bad that i just shut down
It’s okay look don’t think about that certain person. Instead think it’s your inner child that was so traumatized and think about healing that child and making that child more confident little by little NO MATTER IF PEOPE SUPPORT YOU OR NOT.💗🤟🏼🙏🏼
Thank you for the advice, I was beginning to panic about Christmas, because I’ve recently slipped into old habits again. I’m going back to acting like a polite and appreciative guest. Best of luck everyone!
I have had to distance myself from most of my family. I feel more at peace with my decision.
Need to do this. Have a toxic in law she physically assaulted and left me in a mess
I love that for you🤍, you just gave
me some inspiration🧚🏽
Arabel Lim that disrespect. cut your energy from her 🤍
Thank you for sharing Jenny , I just recently did the same thing and I don’t regret it . Why? Bc I have a husband and two boys to think about and I refuse to have them around that negative and toxic energy!!
Arabel Lim wow!! That’s not cool stay the hell away from her!! You don’t need that!
I love this, but would add one thing. If the toxic person you’re dealing with is abusive in any way (verbally, emotionally or physically), empathizing with them can be dangerous. If you empathize with someone like that, there is a chance it will keep you around longer and just destroy you. Sometimes it’s better to cut certain people completely out of your life - even if they’re “family”.
and what if it is not possible? What if you have to see the abusive parent again at a reunion, wedding or funeral? playing victim all the time and abuse you emotionally again and again?
I have family their loving have conversations with me almost on a daily basis after I've served their purpose then they cut me off don't respond or answer my text, phone calls they call back after a week or so throw me a bone I lap it up and it's back to all over again to not answering my calls. Totally frustrating I'll get depressed blame myself well must be me I'm too toxic for her. NO it's HER she has a history of this behavior with me and I'm sick of it. I hope someday she gets her own medicine back to her. It feels like I'm being picked up then dropped on a concrete floor. I don't need it.
Right. Because they will stay in that negative manipulative loop for as long as you allow it and it wrecks my health and takes me a week or longer to recover. Totally agree!
@@myfuturepuglife yeaa so true.. I have headache and cry, if I think too much into it, how and why of their behavior.. I believe I have narcissistic parents. Seriously want to get out!
I agree, my mother raised me to consider putting my own feelings first as a massive betrayal of her so I've had to train myself not to have empathy for her. In order to wriggle out of the enmeshment. She has demonised me of course but I know that all I did was stand firm in my own interpretation of events (in a gaslit swamp)
I truly believe that we are meant to live independently when we become adults . Away from family. Create your new family with like minded people. This is pure joy!
@RainbowDreams30 I'm with you on this. Why spend a holiday, like Christmas (which I love) with people that make it miserable for me? I'd rather not even be an observer of a train wreck. No thank you! I'd rather be with friends or people that actually care about me.
Amen! We pick our friends!!!!
A lot of this video made me think of the movie "The Ultimate Gift." So good
Yes!!! Because family think they know you and don't allow you to grow and change! Yes, yes, yes!
@@vickigonzalez1714 I'm thinking funerals illness too, say thanks, acknowledge pretend like you're going and just don't show. What are they going to do, talk about you bad?? They do that anyway.🤷
Some people dont understand depression anxiety PTSD and they put u down calling u names making u feel like ur worth nothing
It's true. I think when it comes to people who are that mean (especially if it's their abuse that caused our depression, anxiety or PTSD) we should just stay away from them, especially at holidays. Holidays are supposed to be about expressing love and sharing happy times with people we care about who also care about us in my opinion. Happy Holidays to you.✌🙂
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt. It’s not what they say or think. It’s how you react. Their opinions are theirs. You don’t need their approval nor support. Find the people who understand you, and ignore the rest.
Exactly. That's why I avoid it.
@@73cidalia Words Have Power
Is true, I'll never understand. I had anxiety depression... i hated it. I looked for solutions that worked for me, Sedona method, the works of byron katie. I am a happy person, who is also very serious. -- As soon as I become aware of a habbit, behavior or thinking pattern that is not serving me... than I must deal with it.
My Mom loved to play the comparison game, and I would straight up tell her that I am not those people. Yes, we argued. I still respect her bc she raised us well on her own. And she my not know how to express her feelings, but I've observed how she dealt with anyone who tried to talk shit about me... she stands up for me, because she also respects me. (Unless she's upset with me.)
Family members can be the biggest impediment to your success.
Profuond truth!
This is so true. They impede your plans.
@@mightyobserver12 The only way forward is to disown and distance yourself from them. I had to do that. I'm happier now
@@reardelt so am i my sister always talks behind my back wont give her my number or take anything to do with her i actually hope i dont meet her in the street as i dont want to
Sooooo true
A "family" is meant to be a mutually supportive safe haven, not a viper pit.
My nuclear family and even my MIL and FIL are great. It's the sister in laws and various aunts on my mom's side that are the problem. Fam on Father's side are more reserved which is nice.lol
No one ever said that.
Judge looks like you are talking to me about my family !😂😂😂😂
@@sakhilemathumo-mhodi2901 but don't you feel vindicated and realize it's not just you or yours and as my cuz calls it the Rockwell pics are a durn lie. Connect with your God and keep it moving. I wasted 67 years. Use therapy and whatever it takes to shut down them and the old tapes in your head. Nice guys may finish last, but at least in peace.
It's more pity instead of empathy. I'm not interested in pretending to be in their shoes, when the emotional turmoil many of us experienced was from 0-18+ and these people are still unwilling to behave. I was never allowed to be myself or I was the bad person, so the less contact the better.
Mysterious Moon seems like you had narc family members
A FREAKING MEN!!!! I AM TIRED OF HAVING EMPATHY honestly the problem is I too much empathy for these people especially my father. He refuses to change and til this day in my 20s continues to say hurtful things to HIS OWN daughter. The funny part is he treats other peoples daughters well and expects me to be a slave and take care of him. I AM DONE AND FED UP!
Some aunts on my mom's side and my sister in laws are the problem most of the time.
I haven't spoken to or seen my toxic parents for the past year, my mom passed away 4 months ago, dad past away 3 wks ago. I have no guilt over not seeing them and didn't even shed a tear when I heard they passed, they had made me cry so much through the years that I felt no emotion for them sadly.
I'm happy for you. I actually was forced to go to my toxic grandmothers funeral. It was torture but I got through it. People were acting as if I didn't exist or they praised my brother for being her favourite.
I completely understand what you mean!
I had a very similar experience. Both my parents gave me and my sister up, and kept the younger two. They wanted nothing to do with me, it hurt so bad until I realized, I don't care. They both passed away, and I wasn't sad.
My mother was abandoned when she was 5 and it really did a number on her. I often feel like therapy would be beneficial for her to deal with all of that but she isn’t willing to go. But most importantly you are a precious human being!
That is ok, Linda. Just because they are your parents or family does not mean that you have to be around them, especially if they had caused a misery in your life. Love yourself and always be gentle to yourself, because nobody else will do this part for you. Like-minded people do deserve to be in your orbit; and remember, you, yourself, are just enough. Sending lots of love your way ❤❤❤
How to deal with toxic relatives?
Move far, far away and never return.
That's what I did, I even stopped talking to some of them and I'm so much happier 🙏
Next motivational speaker is here
And a highly narcissistic, selfish solution. Hopefully, they find you nauseating enough that they don't care. Hopefully, you're not using children as trump cards in your game.
Often when someone wants to stay away from family like that it is actually because the relatives that are being avoided are narcissistic, or some other kind of toxic people. There are people who have narcissistic or alcoholic parents who continue to emotionally abuse their adult children who feel obligated to spend holidays with them. You mention children. Children should certainly not be exposed to mean, toxic people just because it's the holidays. I think we can agree that holidays should be a safe and happy time for them. I hope your holidays are spent with nice people. ✌🙂
Exactly. Nobody's perfect, but if your really have a horrible, toxic person or people in your life who don't care about your feelings you shouldn't feel obligated to spend the holidays or any other time with them.
Growing up Latina, we were raised that family comes before everything. Basically we were raised that we have to put up with our family just bc they are family . My parents and brother are very toxic, they’ve always judged me for everything! The way I dress, the friends I have, the guys I’ve dated you name it! I moved out at 19 years old and stayed as far away as possible. I’ve always tried to have a good relationship with them but they always push me away. Not to mention they LOVE DRAMA!! No matter how many times I tell them to stop coming by my house unannounced, to stop coming by my house with gossip and drama to stop criticizing me and also to stop throwing the favors they’ve done for me in my face they always disregarded my feelings saying I’m being overdramatic. So recently I decided enough is enough!! I needed to cut them off for my peace of mind for my sanity bc I don’t need negative energy in my life! I’m now 35 years old and a happily married mother of two beautiful boys and I promised my boys that no matter what they will never experience the drama I endured growing up mind you I almost committed suicide bc of them!! Let’s just say now I’m happier than ever with the family my husband and I created !!
Just bc they are your family does not mean your obligated to put up with their shit and you don’t owe them anything !! YOUR PEACE OF MIND COMES FIRST !!! They don’t feel guilty for treating you the way they do so don’t feel guilty about cutting them off sometimes it’s necessary for you to have peace happiness and tranquillity in your life .
My mother made my feel guilty for her and all of her brothers\sisters
ephews
ieces\, so I paid a lot of money and energy for them until my mother died. And now I just want cut relationship with them for my own sanity!
You're godamn right
Very well said 👏🏼
“They don’t feel guilt about treating you the way they do so silt feel guilty about cutting them off”
THIS!!
Beautifully stated. Thank you. You're not alone.❤
I became real to myself at the age of 33, I changed my friends and some bad habits. I still have some work to do, but I feel much better with me, myself, and I.:) thank you, Mel!!!
Great to hear! At 30, I wonder if it’s too late.
I recently turned 33! I'm going through the same thing as you right now. I got fed up and tired with the toxic bs and family members. All I want is to focus on what's important for _me_ right now and what/who makes me happy and feel welcomed. It's a necessary shift that has to be done in order to save myself and my peace. We only live once.
@@lreally It's not too late. All that's needed is your decision to turn things around for the better.
Im 34 and still can't break thru this toxic cycle.....how I wish I can distance myself from these stuffs
I did it at age 50. I feel so much better about my life!!
I never understood these forced toxic holiday evenings. Growing up I loved being with my family, but my grandfather was a huuuge pain on those days for all of us. Grew up, moved away, stopped talking to him and my mother and I'm so much happier since then. I'm not gonna force myself to spend time with people that I don't like, even if they are family. Still love Christmas tho
I Agree I Dreaded the Holidays and Gatherings because of just That No More I just Stay Away #ImFree.
Create your own new group to share good times with.
Help me… lol.
this is such a mood
PeriodT
I just don’t go, simple. If they can respect me and my feelings/opinions why should I spend my holidays with them?
Excacly!
Yves!
Thank you Michelle good to know I’m not the only one!
*can't
Exactly 💯
When will people understand you do not need to interact with family. There is no law you have to interact with family. I kicked out some family members out of my life years ago. Be a wolf and not some faking sheep. Grtz from the Netherlands.
Indeed you Are so Right!
Not all of us are lucky enough to be able to do that, we are bound by rules, you so lucky.
Be wise as a fox, yet gentle as a dove!!! ❤❤❤
@@hawwaahmed772 la..fish kawaneen..7ai 7ayatak!
It's hard when your mom get's along with them and invites them to the house though.
I would say, under circumstances of extreme narcissism, gaslighting, or equally unpleasant levels of emotional/psychological abuse, you are better off just cutting those ties altogether and having a healthier and happier holiday with people who are not out to emotionally harm for kicks. Narcists will never give you the empathy or emotional validation you need. But I do appreciate your advice Mel in terms of "normal" situations with unexpressed resentments or roles that create frustration and anxiety around the holidays and how to deal with those.
Gas lighting exactly by the one who is a mind doctor. Thought she changed but sadly, no.
I have a toxic aunt as well. Has always been negative and thought the worst of me since I was a child until now. 2 years back and last yr she would call me and be so negative. After her calls I would feel so depressed and I still recall all those events and get filled with so much anger. When she texts me she doesn't even bother asking how I am she just wants to track my progress in life. What I am doing. That's all she cares about. I think she compares me with her children. I told her recently about her behavior and she denied everything. I have made the choice to remove her contact and stay away from her. Which will be hard coz she is my mom's sister.
You do you boo! Focus on your own happiness. Not that of others, especially people who pop in and outta your life once in a blue.moon.
Just in time... totally broke down last night of stress and anxiety 😓
Happy it helps! You got this.
@@melrobbins Truly appreciate.. your 5sec rule helped last night.. it took me about five times doing that, but it really helped, too.
I'm glad that you mentioned the exception of Narcissistic family members when you discussed using empathy. Empathy absolutely does not work on them. They will take it and then beat you over the head with it. Take my word for it. I tried empathy on one particular lost person for 15 years; now I am utterly exhausted.
I think i understand . Im really sorry. I haven't been with a narcissistic person for that long but I already feel like I lost my identity and im no longer the innocent person I used to be.I think it drained me from my compassion and that just makes me feel horrible about myself. It's really sad but let's not lose hope, alright? Stay strong.
peachycrown67 I can definitely relate. They use us for a charge, like a battery. I think the secret is to not buy into the untrue and unfair things they say to us and about us. We already know they are not dealing in reality; why should we trust their opinions of us? We shouldn't! Stay strong and keep reminding yourself who you really are. Wishing you the best💛
@@TheNikki284 Thanks! I wish you the best too💜💜
peachycrown67 Thank you💛I forgot to mention earlier: you might want to check out a channel on here called "Surviving Narcissism" by Dr. Les Carter. It's seriously priceless in helping to deal with these people, especially the Covert Narcs. He's the best. I hope it helps!
@@TheNikki284 Thank you! And I would recommend Dr ramani, I love her!
I can have empathy for them, and yet still not want to get sucked in by their insanity
You can't control their action but you can control your reaction, you are the boss of your life :)🖒🌹
Totally agree : )
If you control your reaction you will probably become depressed for not letting out what u feel and not expressing yourself. You don't control shit. You're the boss of nothing. That's motivational bullshit
@@avzani : you can't even control the shit making its way through your intestines, how do you expect to control your reaction/feelings/emotion ?
@@wingardiumlachancla9078 that was my point. In a way
@@avzani yes I know I emphasized what you said
Thank you so much Mel. My "sister " is that way so incredibly toxic. I was finally so incredibly happy when she told me that I was no longer her family. I was so sad at first, however as time goes by I have realized how toxic she truly is and was actually really great full. This video just helped me even more so thank you!
She might have thought that it would hurt you for the rest of your life.. But eventually, and ironically, she has done you an amazing favor. ;)
Oh man! Why does it hurts when you know already what you need to do - which is to stay away too! The hurting part is the thing that makes it hard and you can’t even control it. It’s like grieving I guess.
My sister is accusing me of not helping her resolve the conflict with our brother who will no longer speak to he r I am the middle child and feel compelled to be the peacemaker and have done my best to support her She is alone and I know how she has suffered in her life with relationship and mental health issues so I cannot cut her off even when she wonders out loud if I am even "family" anymore. A cousin has called a meeting to try to sort things out so we can celebrate the upcoming holiday season together. I am not very positive about the outcome and don't even feel like going now. One last try!?
I wish my sister would tell me that so I can officially stop dealing with her 🙄
Not going to help - it’s still gonna ruin your mood - and you’ll feel sad-it’s not worth it ! Even better is - go spend time at hotel with your loved one - don’t waist time with people who don’t appreciate you . Family doesn’t mean you are life sentenced !
I feel physically nauseated when I have to have contact with my mother’s family - they are beyond toxic, critical, jealous, two faced people - once I had to run to the bathroom and throw up after meeting one of them after a long time. Me and my sisters spent our whole childhood, teenage and young adult life being criticized and ridiculed by them. After over 10 years of having contact with them ( I live overseas now) I had to come back to help my mom who is sick with cancer. I have lost a ton of weight and am on the best shape of my life, exercising, becoming athletic etc - one of my mother’s sisters, the youngest, who refuse to accept her age ( dresses and behaves like a teenager and she is over 60 now) jabbed at me calling me too skinny, sickly looking today. That devastated me because it brought back how she used to criticize and belittle me when I was a teenager. I tend to believe there is a place in hell for people like her, actually I believe she already lives in one ... trying to get myself back together here.....
Omg, I think you talk about my life!!! When my mom died, I decided cut relationship with them!
Are you asian? Haha critisizing family member is like rice in asia. Common bad habits of asian people. Not the worst of the culture.
Everytime you face a challenge, you have an opportunity. It might be tough, but take the opportunity and the reward is incredibly satisfying. Great message.
I completely DESPISE BOTH parents and so does my brother. My brother and I get along great but we can’t stand to be around them. If I never see either parent again it will be too soon. To anyone that has a close relationship with one or both parents.... CHERISH it!
My grandma has completely destroyed our relationship her and has set us against each other. Unreal of how someone I used to grow up around was the biggest hindrance to my development into what I am now.
This is the most perfectly fitted in time thing you've ever posted. Yesterday I've arrived at my parents house and just few hours ago I was looking up for any of your posts and videos on similar topics as I had The Annual Breakdown again and considered leaving to spend Christmas lonely but peacefully - no matter the consequences. Thank you so much for being always here, always understanding and changing my life one more time - in the most difficult aspect. And if that wasn't you saying it - I'd never take into consideration the fourth point. Now I'm actually excited for what the next hours will bring. Love you!
😂😂love your comment, annual break down- yess I feel you😂😂
Yes, me too. Let's see what the next hours will bring :) Thank you for your courage and inspiration!
What a positive, emotionally honest comment!
Toxic family like bad L.A. traffic you have to get through it in order to get to your destination..you must adapt to the traffic slow , stop, steer clear , or proceed w caution...we put up with any traffic situation...that s what toxic families are like bc they don't even realize how toxic they are to everyone just like what traffic does to everyone. After years of trying to fix family members that have a negative fault finding mentality this is my take on how to handle them.
These tips are good for year-round if you still live at home. I loved this video so much. The first tip, some people won't let you grow. It's just how they are. "But you'll always be my " But it's true that it's good to be conscious of my own behaviors and what I can control. 👏🏾👏🏾
I tried many of the things you have mentioned. I think you are wrong about dealing toxic family members. There is no reason you have to put up with them. All you are going to do is get humiliated time after time. Just not engaging is useless and only harms you. You're the one that has to eat the shame, not them. I agree with the person below, just cut them off. It took me 60 years to learn how hopeless it was to try and make these people happy. Live your own life. It was amazing how much better I slept once I walk away for the last time.
Claire : best answer is sometimes not answering. ;)
My advice when it comes to really stressful family members? Don't be with them. At least until you create strength in yourself. And accept the fact that they might not be people you like to be around, that's okay. The world is full of people, give yourself the right to choose people that make you feel peaceful, you have the right to have a good holiday.
Hey Claire. Just dont go. Your're welcome ❤ Happiest Holidays!
Wow I was dealing with this issue recently. I love my parents but sometimes their behavior disappoints me so much & I get angry time to time. I know that my angry behavior isn't the right thing to do at that time but I can't control myself. Thanks Mel for this advice. I will try my best to ignore those situations😩
My family is horrible. I went no contact- This year I am going to Paris alone. It will be great!
Thank you, Mel. I needed this desperately!
One of the best advices I have heard on how to deal with toxic people.
I like what you said Mel about having empathy. I found this also transformed my relationship with a very close difficult family member and a person who was bullying me in a community group. When I looked from their perspective I felt quite differently. And they started to act differently too. I treated them as humans, not as "superpowers over me". Weird but it worked!
That's an interesting concept. Glad things worked out for you.
Thank you so much for the video - for someone who's still a minor and doesn't necessarily possess the financial or legal ability to distance myself from my parents, it really helps me a lot to regulate my responses and reactions and general mindset around my family ♥
Someone once told me imagine you are at a boxing event, you are a spectator, your toxic family is inside the ring trying to get you to join them in the ring, don’t step inside the ring just wave from your seat. Let them have the spotlight, this piece of advice has helped me immensely throughout the years. Don’t engage with crazy
I hate seeing them gang up on one person though.... 😢 they target one person and group attack.... it is horrible
A large part of the dysfunction is our attachment to wanting others to be what we want/need them to be. Better people, more loving, kinder, more supportive, approving, generous, etc. And we keep HOPING that they will change or grow or evolve into someone else. We can't control the people around us, but we can control the amount and types of access that we allow them. We can draw boundaries, and enforce them. We can ask ourselves if the battle will matter in five minutes, and if not, walk away. We can change all of the variables associated with ourselves. That is our power and control.
I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS 4 YEARS AGO. You are a GENIUS. I love you!
As someone with toxic family, this is incredibly helpful. Not so much my immediate family but extended is so toxic. I feel so bad about myself when I get home from a family function. Thank you
I am an older college graduate and these have been comments that trigged me when I had contacts with three specific family members in the past. "Well now that you finally graduated. You are ready to retire now." "You should be ashamed of yourself taking an opportunity away from someone younger and more deserving." "Oh. You are still doing that shit." My response since has been to basically and actually say F-you and completely cut off contact. Since then one or possibly all three of these individuals have made contact with a lot of the other relatives and gossiped. I now know that instead of losing my temper and cursing I should have just replied with "Whatever" wave the side of my face like I was shooing a fly and gone home.
Amen to that. I don't really love some of the aunts' on my mother's side of the family as they always felt the need to try and tell me what to do when I was younger and I never saw them as authority figures so I always in a polite way told them to go screw. There were definitely some shouting matches in the past.As long as you are paying your own bills and on your own you are your own boss in your personal life
This goes for anytime of year also. I just watched this before I had to deal with a family member and have been doing my best at doing the inner work to heal and transform into a stronger me. I guess its gunna take a lot of practice.. I am trying really hard to set boundaries and not let people guilt me into what they want from me. I have to remember its their problem if they have an issue with me setting boundaries or saying no to things including saying no to borrowing things from me. When they either dont return them, they get ruined and not taken care of, or before and/or afterwards i get treated like crap and the people are ungrateful. I deal with a couple narcissistic people in the family and people who take advantage of me and my empathy.. So now i need to be firm and just say no i guess and walk away & not take the bait and cause myself the same turmoil like always.
I rather create a new family with great friends and have holidays with them
"Stay on the side walk" my family is vindictive, narcissistic, evil and cunning and plotting I do feel sorry for them but I'm cutting ties and going no contact. Thanks Mel👏👏 they're all wearing a mask for hurt
When they point out your deepest insecurities straight ahead.
It makes me want to dig a hole every single time.
I often use the ancient mantra "not my circus not my monkeys" but since that took me away from the mini family dramas my mother now has taken the route of talking ill of me behind my back (calling me selfish, uncaring, etc because of me distancing of the dramas) i know that the things she says aren't true and i'm also aware that when someone wants to speak badly about you no matter what good things you have done for her in the past or in the present she will always find something to criticize (It is exhausting but as you say "don't take the bait" do not get on board the train of emotional blackmail, so thank you for reminding me that on this video)
Although in this case it does not hurt what is said, but who says it and with what intention.
For my peace of mind, keeping distance is something I must continue to do, and it is a relief not to get hit in the crossfire and to not carry guilt or responsibility that does not correspond to me, but at the same time it is sad, painful and tiring to be in a constant state of vigilance when you live surrounded by people that you know does not genuinely care about you and does not mind hurting you, living in a show of fake smiles for the sake of holiday cards :(
Same. Exactly the same. And I loved the circus thing :D
Oh my gosh...that's my case.
Cereza Black 👏🏽
Exactly the same with me and my sister right now
Good time to post this, I was just sharpening my machete for christmas
Sharpening your matchete...hahaha...hahaha...you are so funny!!! I have laughed and laughed!!!
Better not to lest you end up in jail!!
Hahaha, quite funny. Just don't go there, stay home.
lol 😆
Bring on 2024, I wish i'd listened to this one sooner. However tonight's timing is perfect after the week I've had. I still enjoyed Christmas never broke down until after the festive season behind closed doors.
I've certainly grown since leaving the family home and area.I am so looking forward to not biting the bait and being little miss fix it. Thanks Mel Robbins
I love the traffic pedestrian analogy. 😎 Thx for sharing, Mel.
Empathy is on point, when someone is angry I always wonder if they're okay and what they're going through!!!! well said
Don’t take the bait...my mantra thanks so much
Set THOSE BOUNDARIES
Thank you for sharing such an informative and inspiring video, Mel. Believe me, whoever reads this comment, you are NOT alone. I had to deal with toxic relatives for the majority of my life, and I'm only 28 years old. Their common ammunition is to use words and methods that used to affect you adversely in the past - and it's important to know that the past never defines you for who you are; the past should be interpreted as a foundation to help build a better and brighter future for you and only you. Don't feel guilty or regretful if you decide not to attend an event with toxic relatives because you can always arrange another date to spend quality time with those you choose to be around.
Sooo true! Empathy goes a long way!! Thank you!
Thank you so much for this, Mel. I just woke up from a nap I took coz my mom just drained me off my energy. I cant believe how my own family can be so annoying; arguing over small things and fighting over at the breakfast table for who is right. But you're right, i'll just stand at the sidewalk looking and be just an audience. Or i'll just simply excuse myself from the table.
It is true that my home brings back the old me.. The grumpy kid who never understood why she's all grumpy. And i found that its because i eat up on all the drama that happens at home that never happens when i'm actually back in Manila. I gained my peace with the distance i have with my family.
This is really a long comment. :) I just wanted to express my gratitude for posting this just in time for me to think up my strategy on how to deal with this Holiday stress.
Happy Holidays from my Family to yours. :)
You are not alone girl.
Thanks for sharing. My experience is very very very similar.
Rhea Montera it’s something similar going with me how you r own family not understand you feeling very isolated and lonely please pray for me Need some strength 🙏🙏
@@toptaemin1278 Thank you for empathizing :)
@@heavenoo4999 i will pray for you.. We can all use one.. :)
To you Tim Janis, and your team. When one is feeling low - in fear of all conflict - the hostility of mankind, of one to another. In recent times so many players through-out this world are not on their best behavior. I think of the children - the old and infirm. You provide any and all a good and safe place to retreat. Thank You.
Honestly I'd rather not even be around them I deserve my peace. 🤷🏾♀️
Hey everyone, im so greatful for this channel. I am currently going through my phase of cutting my family off, letting go. It been painful I can deal with their toxic behaviour anymore. I'm looking for someone prefer female to talk or chat with that have gone through it. Please I'm so depressed by the hurt and how they never stand up for me, but I run to their rescue EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm done being a scapegoat!
I absolutely love you Mel!!! You are such a gift to people. Thank you for what you do
Maybe one alternative is to keep moving. Don’t talk to them more than 5 minutes and then excuse yourself and move to other spot, talk to someone else, go to the restroom, whatever... but don’t park.
J 2004 It’s kinda hard to not park if everyone is seated at the dinner table and the toxic person starts up a conversation
5 minutes is too much for me.. -1 or 2 min. tops. Because I can immediately notice my energy dropping.
Foggy Pebble - hit the panic button of your car keys so you have an excuse to get outside to check the car 😈
lol, this is such a HUGE topic. Very good advice here. Everybody just wants love, ending standing in their own way. In my country Christmas days are the days with the most 911-Calls. The expectations at Christmas are so high, and often ends in so much trouble.
I hate all These ManMade Holiday.
I truly appreciate your thoughts on showing empathy. Some people have never learned or developed self awareness. They don't see how speech and actions effect others. I began to understand my one grandmother when I began to do genealogy research on my family. I uncovered secrets about my grandmother 25 years after her death. It forced me to examine how I would feel if I was in their situation under the pain and suffering that they experienced. Please always show empathy to those that speak negatively. We truly don't understand what some people go through in life.
Just last night I was upset because of the things that my mom said and did which were not necessarily directed at me. Suddenly, it dawned on me to visualize all the hurtful things that she's saying as arrows aimed at every direction. In that situation I saw myself bending over, jumping up and down, and running everywhere to catch all the arrows. Each arrow stabbing my heart and hurting me deeply. When I realized what I was doing, I literally laughed out loud because of how stupid I was. I was the one causing myself all this pain and misery. I felt my heart lightened in that moment. Now, when I hear negative things from my family, I don't go around actively catching arrows anymore. Same with what Mel said about not taking the bait.
how did you manage to disengage? any tips?
I thought "here comes another video with tips I can't really relate to and are not gonna help at all" but WHOA, no, the first one already opened my mind. Thank you so much.
I need to practice boundry
I know that but it is not easy to me
Thank you for sharing♡
Mel you are so real and so down to earth. I love watching all of your videos and I even read your book. You really are a true inspiration
It always gets worse, much worse when I choose not to react at someone angry. They literally compel me to. It's hell. So I choose being apart as much as I can.
I prayed in bed last night for God to help me cope with my family better, today I stumble upon this video. Thanks Mel. You always help. I usually take the bate but I will learn to stop.
My family always crosses boundaries in their way too personal questions towards me...i dont know how to answer because they are offended by everything i could possibly say to let them know im uncomfortable with the questions!
Thank you !!!! You have no idea how your words have helped me now . Merry Christmas !! Cheers from Brazil !
I just watched this today. I plan to apply this to coworkers. Great advice, "Don't take the bait". I see coworkers do this all day long, trying to get others to join their fight, cause or drama..... I usually walk away, but sometimes it's really hard.
Facing conflict:
Tolerate.. how much ?
Ignore... to what extent?
Sympathetic lecture to the offensive parties?
Excuse yourself when offensive behaviors arise ?
Thanks for your advice.
Unfortunately our inner response is to protect ourselves, and without self control is difficult.
However I'll keep my optimism to keep a family 👪
I love you Mel. You helped me cope up from my depression and I became more productive each day. Merry Christmas 😍. I'm excited for the reset event
I'm excited too!
@@melrobbins omg 😍
Man this was RIGHT. ON. TIME. About to have the first grandbaby of the family and my in-laws are already about to make me lose it with the comments, questions and intrusiveness. It's giving me MAJOR anxiety.
"Our your racist aunt" sadly so relatable :/
Kelly Stanton racist uncles
Yes.
Yukk
Damn
I thought she was really talking about my life for a min. 😅
Hello, Mel! Thank you for your practical advice. One thing I have learned from you was "don't bite the bait." I have struggled with harsh words from family members regularly causing me upset. But, I will try to use the strategy that you mentioned focusing on my response, not on what happens around me.
Nice Video,I feel when toxic relatives do what they do don't react,just say Oh,Really the confused look is just priceless smile and keep it pushing......
The very ironic happen to me today, is that, I never ever going to speak nor have any talk with my sister. Then, I was thinking now, I typed your full name, wanting to re-watch the MindsetReset starting off one of the videos of you and two pretty ladies getting ready for the rest of the other videos. Before that, I scrolled down a video of this, really didn't realize that this video had spoken to my bad day. So, I felt the lists mentioned the above, had calmed me down, again. It's more like, re-discover me, again. Thank You Mel. (Hugs)
I cannot believe it! Just had another horrible experience with my mother and then this video comes up in my suggestions. Thank you so much Mel. I have definitely stopped reacting as I used to for quite a while, but I still seem to break down, holding back tears and not saying a word. It’s just certain phrases that trigger and I don’t know how to not react to them. Would appreciate any advice on this. Thank you 🙏🏽
I love her content I have grown so much in a very short period of time watching her videos. He’s like my therapist she was the reason I got on stage for the very first time to do a comedy routine with the five second rule she is amazing
Hey.....insomnia and holiday anxiety kicked in and boom....you made me a video! 😀 Seriously, long time subscriber and student of your wonderful advice. Thanks so much. I truly appreciate all you do. Have a Merry Christmas and wonderful holiday season. DG
Daren, that means a ton. I am happy it had good timing. Happy holidays to you and your as well xo
Mel you are so sweet and hearing you talking I realise you are so right.Thank you so much
I'm sorry, there's no need to PUT UP with toxic people or situations.. that's the worst piece of advice I keep hearing.. Part of having boundaries is enforcing them. If going home for the hard earned holidays we have so few of causes you anxiety, go elsewhere!
Apache helicopter Sometimes people just don’t have a choice, they have to go home, this video is for them. 🙂
Indeed! I left home for College at 17 I'm now 67 I'm sure in 50 yrs I havent been home 10 times.Loving it I never plan to go back.
Yeah, keep up with the appearances. Oh, please, the old tradiotional things do not and cannot work anymore. People are way more aware and intelligent these days to keep putting up with that kind of behavior!
Agreed. Why go if you have to psych yourself this much. Go where you are loved and appreciated. Even during the HOLIDAYS.
@@lindsaymorley9290If you are an adult, you don't have to go anywhere. Especially a toxic home for Christmas. Why put yourself through the torture? Go if you want to practice all your boundary setting skills in real time. However, if anyone is feeling anxious about going home...
DONT GO.
Every encounter with others, especially family, is an opportunity for personal transformation. I value family and at the same time, I have family that definitely triggers me. It truly does seems like a time warp when I return home, where I currently am, but remembering that I've evolved beyond past patterns and identifying the ways I might fall into these patterns and how to get out of them, is the opportunity for growth. Thank you for this sage reminder as in a few hours, my family home will be a full house again after several years of not everyone being here. Happy holidays!
This is really very good advice!
Fantastic, and not just limited to family but also toxic people at work, thank you
Unfortunately sometimes all of these things still don’t help.
I practiced them for years with a member of my husbands family but they got worse and worse.
We have decided to loose the drama this year and not see them.
Wow what a great decision.
You rock Mel, as always. Can't describe how much I love you.
Things is, I live withe my aunt ever since I was 3 because both of my parents worked overseas, and I'm the only child. And the toxic person I'm trying to avoid is my aunt. Turns out there's no escape. Sigh, I'm just going to endure it.
I am in your situation
Thank you for this very clear instruction on how to behave. It's tough, but I'm learning how to achieve it to the level I will feel satisfied and calm. My mom is throwing baits so often and the more I behave like a pedestrian, she throws even more guilt on me, telling me I'm a coward, I ignore what she's demanding from me and it's comfortable for me to stay outside of issues, which are actually her and she's looking for someone to do this for her, she's looking someone to save her, but she doesn't put any her own effort into finding solutions and making her own life better. I'll be watching this video from time to time as a good reminder. Thanks to your words Mel I also went to the psychoteraphist, who made me realize about the reliationship with my parents.
Really a true fan of yourself Mel You've changed me a lot I'm a student i didn't liked to move out of my home didn't liked going to college but after reading your 5Sec Rule it kinda motivated me and made my ass do my work tqsm and eagerly waiting for Mindset Reset love u Mel from the bottom of my heart
Thank you!
I should have check my alerts yesterday. I could have used this! I failed.
Thank you really much for this,im somehow dealing a toxic aunt who says such a thing and gossiping towards other ppl about our personal life and this is really helpful to deal out of them
Thank youuu so much !
Great advice. And the families still have a connection. Others in the family will grow from it as well.
I never realized something was wrong with my anxiety towards one of my relatives until it's got so bad that i feel like throwing up whenever we have family dinners sometimes my hands shake and i have trouble breathing it's gotten so bad that i just shut down
It’s okay look don’t think about that certain person. Instead think it’s your inner child that was so traumatized and think about healing that child and making that child more confident little by little NO MATTER IF PEOPE SUPPORT YOU OR NOT.💗🤟🏼🙏🏼
Thank you for the advice, I was beginning to panic about Christmas, because I’ve recently slipped into old habits again. I’m going back to acting like a polite and appreciative guest. Best of luck everyone!