As an INFP, this is indeed what I do; I close the door to my heart, but I continue to interact with the person because I have to or because that is what is expected of me. This is what I did in particular with a member of my family. A few months ago, this person pushed me over the edge, and I really almost cut ties with this person.
INFP here. I think you're right about the way INFPs will slam the door, but also continue communication if they must. The people you door-slam all of a sudden get my more standard, basic, short and to the point version of my personality. It happens all of a sudden and they absolutely pick up on it, especially when they see you treat them a bit different than others who get the full version of your personality. You absolutely NAILED that side of an INFP, the "grey rock" method.
Definitely agree on this. I think when INFJs doorslam it's over forever (unless maybe under very particular circumstances where someone visibly changed and does so much effort and for long to evidently prove they've changed cause then the INFJ would feel guilty for not forgiving them). I think that's really the only way an INFJ could come back, do so much effort for being a good person that they'll feel guilty for not forgiving you. When INFJs doorslam, you're dead for them and their empathy for you shuts down. They'll become totally cold. They just don't see you as a human being anymore for being so mean and antagonize you. I think the difference with INFPs is INFJs are directly more involved in relationships and caring while INFPs won't hesitate making problems and tensions arise if they feel like they need to speak up. That's why they won't emotionally shut down if such thing happens. Also they're naturally more emotional from the get go and they can't switch with their logical side like INFJs can.
INFP, and this is accurate. 100&. like, he clearly has exprience and knowledge about this. i think most people like step by step explanations so i'll explain my thought process or what happens during the "doorslamming" process: step one: a person makes me sad, boohoo... i expected better, but humans are flawed. step two: twice? huh... i hope it doesnt become a pattern, i'll confront them... (the INFP will not). step three: ok, i had enough. im going to confront them! they have a good heart i just know it! step four: why are we still here?.. just to suffer?.. (the start of doorslamming, the INFP will process its feelings for that person if step three didnt work at all.) step five: sadness... please... stop... (the INFP will show subtle/obvious signs that they dont like that person anymore.) step six: anger. (the INFP's rage will start to fuel, and the info gathered from step four will be used against the person if nececarry. ignoring will likely start.) step seven: EXPLOSION! (the INFP will burst out with truth daggers or real daggers (or both) to eliminate the person from their life, in the heat of the moment... the INFP will probably exagarrate its feelings which will further hurt the other person.) step eight: completion... finally. (the INFP will cut off all ties if possible. if not, will act like a robot around the person. if the person continues disturbing the INFP... we return to step five.)
If you've doorslammed someone as an INFJ but still need to interact with them, it's torture. So I make sure to bee as free as I need to, so that when I doorslam someone, I don't need to interact with them. But if I need to interact, they will feel the coldness, distance, resentment, minimal communication and if they still feel free to attack me, also passive aggression, which can be cutting and will be telling the truth about the person, if not to themselves (they mostly don't listen anyway), then, more importantly, to other people, who can take it as a first different look at that person, observe for themselves and make up their mind if they want to have to do with someone like that or not (some are actually smart enough to do it and to protect themselves and others). There are also people where you haven't even put a foot in the door but they're so nasty from the get go that you have to doorslam them immediately. Those will most likely feel what I just described, if they have the capacity to feel anything at all, but to me they're dead.
I think you right for both. As an INTJ, I do like INFJ. But depending of the situation & person, it can be : The door is still open, I am open to listen, if the person come to talk with honesty and with their soul.
As an INFJ I wouldn't listen anymore cause being open to listen is what I would have already done until this point. From experience, most people are the other way around and start to be open to listen only from the moment something goes wrong, feel in danger and feel like it's time to be more attentive. To me that is obviously a very self-serving mindset. You'll start being attentive only when you might lose something. That's why people tend to say they feel like INFJs genuinely listen to them and what they say, it's because they do, they constantly do. They actually do care more than most.
INFP, and yes. I am capable of both, but usually prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict, and will just quietly stop investing any effort into a person or group. A Quiet door slam, if you will. The big door slam only really occurs if I am pushed to the edge, feel I cannot leave, and will not put up with it any longer. It is rare, but I will then proceed to loudly and brutally scold the subject, explaining why I am slamming the door.
I had not heard the term " grey rock" before. In my experience, I have "grey rocked" people I have to see regularly. Like at work but if I do not have to see them its a door slam. No contact even if they message me. Good video. Thank you Johnny. 🌈🌻
Infp here, it depends on the context. If the person is someone i can completely ignore then i might do the infj-style doorslam, if it's someone i can't just ignore without things getting too awkward, then it's more the grey rock thing. Btw i haven't heard that term before but it seems very accurate.
Depends on the situation . Some scenarios call for "syonara, no more , have a good life ...." and some situations are so complex that a hard core final door slam is the interpersonal equivalent to nuclear war - just something either side can't bring themselves to because really it is ( in that situation) sort of - mutual destruction - INFP here.
I'm an INFJ who has never done either. I can't. I forgive everything, I forgive everyone. I love everyone unconditionally. I still love the people who abused me, used me, drained me, turned my friends against me, ruined my life, broke my heart, abandoned me, and caused my trauma. I don't know how to stop loving someone, even if they hurt me a million times, over a period of many years. Everyone I've ever loved, everyone who ever betrayed me and left me, is still in my heart. I've had people I love suddenly leave me without warning and never contact me again. It's cruel, disgusting, and heartless. I'm left with no closure, still loving a person who clearly didn't care about me. I don't see how I could ever do that to another person.
(INFP) I never actually conceptualized this "door slam" idea until your video. I suppose I have closed off my heart to people that I feel are judgemental about when I remove my filter. So I put it back up & re-establish boundaries I guess. I don't think I could ever actually "slam the door" on anyone entirely. I would feel too guilty. 😂 Plus, I don't like ultimatums, so I wouldn't really impose them on others.
I’m an INFJ … my boyfriend is an INFP. I think you’re spot on. I almost never stay in contact with my ex’s, too painful. I have to door slam & not look back in order to heal. However, my INFP boyfriend is typically surface cordial with his ex’s even though he’s done. It makes him feel worse to completely cut them off. Just a different way of healing after the break. We’re both kind & sensitive but “deal” differently.
INFP. I've had to do both, for me, the emotional door slam with continued contact is for when respect is lost for an unavoidable person. Either they did something that showed a lack of basic human decency, or they failed to give me the most basic level of human respect. The social cutoff door slam with avoidance is the result of abuse.
INFP here, I do both depends on how much they have hurts and or disrespect me. If I do door slam even with the person I'll meet in regular basis I'm just completely avoiding them as much as I can... If they the one who talking to me first I'll either completely ignoring pretending not hear them or answer them with just one word with cold expression 🥶
INFP. Hmm it depends on the situation for me. If it's at a job or something and I have to interact with the person, yes I grey rock them. But for people like friends or family who betray me or hurt me, I tell them my concerns and if the behaviour continues I cut them off cold. Begged my family for years to stop hurting me because I know this about myself. When I finally cut it off they acted surprised. Once I've cut someone off it honestly is as though they died. I don't care about them or what happens to them.
Yeah. For an INFP (but maybe for INFJ too), the trick is to stop caring for people who will only make us regret the attention we pay to them. IDK if it's really a door slam if there is still even a minimal level of interaction, but situations force us to be around people who actively waste our attention so a full door slam is not always possible. I have gone as far as not talking, not even to answer a direct question, to someone without any redeeming qualities that I fould not avoid. I've done the full door slam too. I think the difference for a INFPs is that we are hopeful and patient so we always doubt that a door slam is warranted. It's more that we get so overloaded with someone's disregard for our needs that we literally cannot muster a response. Usually that person will prod and pry which just extends the INFP shutdown, but it's not usually a conscious decision for us to stop interacting. It's more of a defense instinct that takes over when an impossible situation has drained all the sincerity we had from us. If we can't somehow construe what we do as sincere, we can't do it.
As an INFJ I never regret paying attention to someone because to me and I think to other INFJs, it's the right thing to do. I'll regret that the person is undeserving of it though. I wouldn't regret it cause I did nothing wrong, they did. I think INFJs are rather hopeful and patient from the beginning, but if the person doesn't show any exterior sign that something is possible, they'll just rationalize and stop hoping. If you really want to make an effort you show it, in any form, or else you don't really desire it from the bottom of your heart. INFJs have the "J" so they'll apply their judgement and take a decision at some point when they have enough information to judge a doorslam as warranted, so their doorslam is always warranted in their eyes, probably the reason why it's definitive. To stop interacting is always a conscious decision. I don't think we can even ever say a decision is not conscious from an INxJ. They do nothing mindlessly after all. INFJ instinct will be more becoming this cold, "grey rock" facade when someone has gone too far and time for generosity has passed. The public opinion that might be that INFJs are very naive couldn't be further from the truth. If INFJs can't feel some care from the other party, they can't do it either.
As an INFP, this is indeed what I do; I close the door to my heart, but I continue to interact with the person because I have to or because that is what is expected of me. This is what I did in particular with a member of my family. A few months ago, this person pushed me over the edge, and I really almost cut ties with this person.
INFP here. I think you're right about the way INFPs will slam the door, but also continue communication if they must. The people you door-slam all of a sudden get my more standard, basic, short and to the point version of my personality. It happens all of a sudden and they absolutely pick up on it, especially when they see you treat them a bit different than others who get the full version of your personality. You absolutely NAILED that side of an INFP, the "grey rock" method.
👋 😃 🌈
Definitely agree on this. I think when INFJs doorslam it's over forever (unless maybe under very particular circumstances where someone visibly changed and does so much effort and for long to evidently prove they've changed cause then the INFJ would feel guilty for not forgiving them). I think that's really the only way an INFJ could come back, do so much effort for being a good person that they'll feel guilty for not forgiving you. When INFJs doorslam, you're dead for them and their empathy for you shuts down. They'll become totally cold. They just don't see you as a human being anymore for being so mean and antagonize you.
I think the difference with INFPs is INFJs are directly more involved in relationships and caring while INFPs won't hesitate making problems and tensions arise if they feel like they need to speak up. That's why they won't emotionally shut down if such thing happens. Also they're naturally more emotional from the get go and they can't switch with their logical side like INFJs can.
INFP, and this is accurate. 100&. like, he clearly has exprience and knowledge about this. i think most people like step by step explanations so i'll explain my thought process or what happens during the "doorslamming" process:
step one: a person makes me sad, boohoo... i expected better, but humans are flawed.
step two: twice? huh... i hope it doesnt become a pattern, i'll confront them... (the INFP will not).
step three: ok, i had enough. im going to confront them! they have a good heart i just know it!
step four: why are we still here?.. just to suffer?.. (the start of doorslamming, the INFP will process its feelings for that person if step three didnt work at all.)
step five: sadness... please... stop... (the INFP will show subtle/obvious signs that they dont like that person anymore.)
step six: anger. (the INFP's rage will start to fuel, and the info gathered from step four will be used against the person if nececarry. ignoring will likely start.)
step seven: EXPLOSION! (the INFP will burst out with truth daggers or real daggers (or both) to eliminate the person from their life, in the heat of the moment... the INFP will probably exagarrate its feelings which will further hurt the other person.)
step eight: completion... finally. (the INFP will cut off all ties if possible. if not, will act like a robot around the person. if the person continues disturbing the INFP... we return to step five.)
If you've doorslammed someone as an INFJ but still need to interact with them, it's torture. So I make sure to bee as free as I need to, so that when I doorslam someone, I don't need to interact with them. But if I need to interact, they will feel the coldness, distance, resentment, minimal communication and if they still feel free to attack me, also passive aggression, which can be cutting and will be telling the truth about the person, if not to themselves (they mostly don't listen anyway), then, more importantly, to other people, who can take it as a first different look at that person, observe for themselves and make up their mind if they want to have to do with someone like that or not (some are actually smart enough to do it and to protect themselves and others). There are also people where you haven't even put a foot in the door but they're so nasty from the get go that you have to doorslam them immediately. Those will most likely feel what I just described, if they have the capacity to feel anything at all, but to me they're dead.
I think you right for both. As an INTJ, I do like INFJ.
But depending of the situation & person, it can be : The door is still open, I am open to listen, if the person come to talk with honesty and with their soul.
As an INFJ I wouldn't listen anymore cause being open to listen is what I would have already done until this point. From experience, most people are the other way around and start to be open to listen only from the moment something goes wrong, feel in danger and feel like it's time to be more attentive. To me that is obviously a very self-serving mindset. You'll start being attentive only when you might lose something. That's why people tend to say they feel like INFJs genuinely listen to them and what they say, it's because they do, they constantly do. They actually do care more than most.
INFP, and yes. I am capable of both, but usually prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict, and will just quietly stop investing any effort into a person or group. A Quiet door slam, if you will. The big door slam only really occurs if I am pushed to the edge, feel I cannot leave, and will not put up with it any longer. It is rare, but I will then proceed to loudly and brutally scold the subject, explaining why I am slamming the door.
As an INFJ, and I hope I understand this correctly, J is Judging, so I suppose, "The Ref's decision is final."
You are the man, Nick. And that is final. 💪
I had not heard the term " grey rock" before. In my experience, I have "grey rocked" people I have to see regularly. Like at work but if I do not have to see them its a door slam. No contact even if they message me. Good video. Thank you Johnny. 🌈🌻
👋 💪 🌈 😊
Infp here, it depends on the context. If the person is someone i can completely ignore then i might do the infj-style doorslam, if it's someone i can't just ignore without things getting too awkward, then it's more the grey rock thing. Btw i haven't heard that term before but it seems very accurate.
Depends on the situation . Some scenarios call for "syonara, no more , have a good life ...." and some situations are so complex that a hard core final door slam is the interpersonal equivalent to nuclear war - just something either side can't bring themselves to because really it is ( in that situation) sort of - mutual destruction - INFP here.
I'm an INFP and I do both. With most people, I do it the INFJ way. With my family, I do it the INFP way.
Infp here it depends on the situation how bad the person has betrayed me or hurt me if for some reason I have to continue to interact with them
Hope you're well, Kevin. 🌈 👋 😊
I'm an INFJ who has never done either. I can't. I forgive everything, I forgive everyone. I love everyone unconditionally. I still love the people who abused me, used me, drained me, turned my friends against me, ruined my life, broke my heart, abandoned me, and caused my trauma. I don't know how to stop loving someone, even if they hurt me a million times, over a period of many years.
Everyone I've ever loved, everyone who ever betrayed me and left me, is still in my heart.
I've had people I love suddenly leave me without warning and never contact me again. It's cruel, disgusting, and heartless. I'm left with no closure, still loving a person who clearly didn't care about me. I don't see how I could ever do that to another person.
Thanks for your comment. Be kind to yourself. 🙂
(INFP) I never actually conceptualized this "door slam" idea until your video. I suppose I have closed off my heart to people that I feel are judgemental about when I remove my filter. So I put it back up & re-establish boundaries I guess. I don't think I could ever actually "slam the door" on anyone entirely. I would feel too guilty. 😂 Plus, I don't like ultimatums, so I wouldn't really impose them on others.
🙂💪🙏👍🌈 😊
I’m an INFJ … my boyfriend is an INFP. I think you’re spot on. I almost never stay in contact with my ex’s, too painful. I have to door slam & not look back in order to heal. However, my INFP boyfriend is typically surface cordial with his ex’s even though he’s done. It makes him feel worse to completely cut them off. Just a different way of healing after the break. We’re both kind & sensitive but “deal” differently.
INFP. I've had to do both, for me, the emotional door slam with continued contact is for when respect is lost for an unavoidable person. Either they did something that showed a lack of basic human decency, or they failed to give me the most basic level of human respect. The social cutoff door slam with avoidance is the result of abuse.
absolutely.
INFP here, I do both depends on how much they have hurts and or disrespect me. If I do door slam even with the person I'll meet in regular basis I'm just completely avoiding them as much as I can... If they the one who talking to me first I'll either completely ignoring pretending not hear them or answer them with just one word with cold expression 🥶
Agreed in all ways
INFP. Hmm it depends on the situation for me. If it's at a job or something and I have to interact with the person, yes I grey rock them. But for people like friends or family who betray me or hurt me, I tell them my concerns and if the behaviour continues I cut them off cold.
Begged my family for years to stop hurting me because I know this about myself. When I finally cut it off they acted surprised. Once I've cut someone off it honestly is as though they died. I don't care about them or what happens to them.
Yeah. For an INFP (but maybe for INFJ too), the trick is to stop caring for people who will only make us regret the attention we pay to them. IDK if it's really a door slam if there is still even a minimal level of interaction, but situations force us to be around people who actively waste our attention so a full door slam is not always possible. I have gone as far as not talking, not even to answer a direct question, to someone without any redeeming qualities that I fould not avoid.
I've done the full door slam too. I think the difference for a INFPs is that we are hopeful and patient so we always doubt that a door slam is warranted. It's more that we get so overloaded with someone's disregard for our needs that we literally cannot muster a response. Usually that person will prod and pry which just extends the INFP shutdown, but it's not usually a conscious decision for us to stop interacting. It's more of a defense instinct that takes over when an impossible situation has drained all the sincerity we had from us. If we can't somehow construe what we do as sincere, we can't do it.
As an INFJ I never regret paying attention to someone because to me and I think to other INFJs, it's the right thing to do. I'll regret that the person is undeserving of it though. I wouldn't regret it cause I did nothing wrong, they did.
I think INFJs are rather hopeful and patient from the beginning, but if the person doesn't show any exterior sign that something is possible, they'll just rationalize and stop hoping. If you really want to make an effort you show it, in any form, or else you don't really desire it from the bottom of your heart. INFJs have the "J" so they'll apply their judgement and take a decision at some point when they have enough information to judge a doorslam as warranted, so their doorslam is always warranted in their eyes, probably the reason why it's definitive. To stop interacting is always a conscious decision. I don't think we can even ever say a decision is not conscious from an INxJ. They do nothing mindlessly after all. INFJ instinct will be more becoming this cold, "grey rock" facade when someone has gone too far and time for generosity has passed. The public opinion that might be that INFJs are very naive couldn't be further from the truth. If INFJs can't feel some care from the other party, they can't do it either.
I can be both ways!
Hi Espresso! ☕️ 👋