The Sexist Joke That Changed My Life
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
- Do you ever hear a line from a show or a joke from a stand-up act and it just sticks with you in weird ways? No? That's never happened to you?? You liar. Get out of my face,
#comedy #lifelessons #happiness
Transcript: justpaste.it/6...
Stock video by Pavel Danilyuk
Music by me
Horrible comedy by Tim Allen
To quote the mirror in Undertale, "Despite everything, it's still you"
Least obsessed Undertale fan:
@@mchsprod😐
It's cheesy, but there's a reason they say "wherever you go, there you are". It's a lesson I am also learning.
Yogi Berra is one of my favorite philosophers! That one and "when you come to a fork in the road, take it" are things I try really hard to keep in mind
That's a quote I really started to think about during my own youthful wanderlust. Then in my early 20s I heard a song by Ben Folds with an even more spelled out riff on the idea - "Lucretia walks into a room, and because she does, it's not the same room; the one she wanted to be in. She says 'Everywhere I go, DAMN there I AM! I just want to walk away... Don't you wanna walk away sometimes?" Just that added context explained so perfectly how I personally had felt during that time of wishing to go anywhere else, because that was my version of this joke.
Dr. Banzai is one of my favorite philosophers.
I have too often in my life disassociated from my body for this to be true.
I was 14, and my un-diagnosed autism and ADHD made my life a mess. I had an opportunity to do a semester at a strict boarding school in another country, and I jumped on the chance, thinking it would solve everything if I could just leave my life, put on a uniform and become someone new.
When I came home again, my mom asked me if it had turned out as I had hoped. I started crying and told her I was sorry for wasting all that money: I was still me, even in a totally different setting. She just hugged me and said that she had been in her mid-thirties before she figured this out. She said that learning this important life lesson at such a young age was money was well spent.
That was 30 years ago. I'm still me, and that's ok.
Great wisdom
Damn your mom didn't give a fuck.
That's... Kind of amazing, actually. Kudos to your mom.
I'm so glad your mom was understanding! She sounds so sweet.
My congratulations to you and bigger ones to your mother.
the joke is crass but i actually like how it kinda incidentally dashes the entire toxic masculine sexual ideation of sex as conquest and ego gratification. it's not fulfilling and it won't make you happy.
It also assumes that females exist purely for the purpose of males having sex with them. It totally objectifies women reducing them only to the level of sex toys.
yea, i agree. as someone super against even the slightest act of misogyny, i think the joke is quite true! i hear it less as “even the prettiest woman sucks” and more as “even the most privileged man is ungrateful and entitled.”
for real, after I actually heard the joke I parsed his warning as being sexist against men rather than women
Disagree. It isn't "be happy with a woman who loves you" it's "Women are all just objects that eventually get boring no matter how pretty they are." This joke would never be made about men. Hence it isn't breaking toxic norms it's perpetuating them.
It just sounds like "no woman is a queen, all women are just stuck up, marriage sucks, women become nags later on, they may seem pretty at first but they'll get boring and you'll wanna sample the menu later." I don't see how you think this breaks down toxic masculine tropes...
@@sillymanmcgee but that's not how it's intended, is it? You can read the book backwards but you can't say that's how it's meant to be read. It is meant to be "even the prettiest women get boring once you've sampled them." To read anything more into it is to be reading from your own view. And as a female who was seen as really pretty and tossed away a lot, this joke only reads as sexist. Appreciate you being anti-sexist but this reading ain't it XP its putting lipstick on a particularly slippery pig.
There's a similar Buddhist saying: "Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water."
In context, it's saying that work will always be part of existence. Finding happiness will not involve removing work from your life, but rather changing your relationship to work. At least, that's my interpretation.
ahhh that's a beautiful saying
@@ThatDangDad Oh, yes.
It's applicable to so many circumstances.
One of the most obvious is, "In 1859, I was a slave and my husband and I lived in a drafty little cabin on a plantation. Every day, I had to chop wood and tote buckets of water to look after my family. Our life was an endless Purgatory.
"Now, it's 1869 and we live in the same drafty little cabin on the same piece of land and a white man still owns it, and every day I have to chop wood and tote buckets of water to look after my family. Our life is an unfolding miracle."
There's a college football coach, who I worked with frequently in my last job, and "Chop wood, carry water" was, like, HIS THING. If he went through one interview or press conference, regardless of topic, without saying it at least once, we'd ask him if he was okay.
Related to this, I think it's important to remember to be good to people in all situations, even as you're being a practicing anti-capitalist. Especially in a people-facing job. My mindset when I'm at work is "I will never go above and beyond to make my boss money-in that regard I will do only what is required-but I will often go above and beyond to create a joyful space for myself, my coworkers, and any customers/clients who share in creating that space." Sure, even then, you're doing work that your boss *should* be doing. But the happiness you're adding to the world by making sure that beautification gets done is exponential; it's not worth stalemating over keeping 1/3 of your life as cruddy as possible just to prove a point.
That's a good mindset. The worse a job I work, the harder I tend to work at making the space suck less or make a day less terrible for coworkers. I worked at a mental/behavioral facility for awhile and the shifts were 12hrs long and paid terrible for the amount of work and hazard we were exposed to. (Our unit was for the more violent individuals) Most weeks, if I could manage it, I'd try to get lunch for my coworkers on the last day of our week. Anything to make things less awful for everyone else. Even if they all laugh when I say the word Union.
That's exactly how I feel. I work hard and try to be patient and kind to my coworkers and customers, not because I'm passionate about my burger flipping job, but because i love people and humanity. I'm glad others feel the same!
I like this. This is what I'm doing put into words and didn't know how to explain to others. Now I do. Thank you.
You’re living under it cope
It's not the existence of a subway for a subway's sake that makes you happy, it's the ability to get around your city without needing to drive. Car ads tell us driving will make us happy, but most of the drivers I have observed are tense to outright rageful.
“Wherever you go, there you are.”
I heard that in my 20s & it’s stuck with me ever since.
I first heard it in _The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension_ and it's one of the best lines in a movie full of 'em; it's especially good in context ("Don't be mean...")
It's funny how commonly it gets treated as a joke, because most of the times people are referencing it being referenced:
It's a Zen Buddhist saying.
The grass is always greener on the other side because on this side you've had time to notice all the imperfections and brown patches that you can't see until you stand on the grass.
Of course, sometimes it is greener because it's a fucking golf course.
In my early 20s I had to look critically at myself and realized that I was the constant variable in all of my failed friendships and romantic endeavors. I was honestly emotionally manipulative, abusive, and a bit narcissistic as well. Plus, I lacked self-respect and focus and was told by multiple psychiatrists that I might have BPD (rarer in men but not unheard of).
So first I identified some core values, by asking myself what traits I would respect most in someone else. Things like radical honesty, integrity, compassion, etc...
I started living by those ideals and not compromising them even when it made life difficult. I gained massive amounts of self respect and real confidence from this. Being extremely honest also helped me learn that I didn't need manipulate people to get my needs met. I then focused on being more empathetic and started viewing my vulnerability as a strength instead of a weakness. Lastly, I worked on increasing my emotional intelligence and unlearning abusive behaviors that I picked up during my childhood/teens.
Now at age 30 I'm told that I no longer meet the clinical criteria for BPD. I'm often told, by both family members and colleagues, that folks think I'm one of the nicest and most emotionally stable people around. Which is still a bit baffling to me sometimes, because some of these people knew me back when I was at my absolutely conniving/vengeful worst. Apparently I did a good job of identifying issues in my personality and correcting them. I definitely feel significantly more optimistic, trusting, and loving towards others now. I'm also just generally more pleased and happy with life too.
Congrats. I didn't even know it was possible to do all that improvement work on oneself.
I have a variation on that joke which helped me to realize the same thing: I had to run away from home to realize the thing I didn't like at home was me.
I'm not even done with the video and you already hit a nerve. I'm born and raised in Orange County. I'm 40. I can't believe I've been in more places in Mexico than I have the US. I love where I live, but I possibly have felt the opposite of how you felt when you were young because I just felt if I lived in some other city I would still be poor and struggling because that's just always been what my life is. It's not where I am. It's the internal struggle I've always had.
Born and raised in OC also; I just turned 43.
Hello neighbor.
I think I had a weird struggle between the two of you: I was south OC and HATED it. Hated the people, the mentality. I wanted deeply to move to North OC or at least central OC.
Shortly after graduating high school I did and I was 100% correct. I was far too weird for south OC and was never going to be happy there nor the people there happy with me. I needed non-chain restaurants and people that weren’t pretending to be higher income than they were.
Being around people that share your values is not to be underestimated in importance in living situation and job also. It goes a looooong way.
When it’s an available option, highly recommended. It’s also the best way to find not only compatible friends but people to date. Otherwise I think we will always feel an underlying sense of disquietude and alienation gnawing at us. (Personal example: a friend that shares my politics and values but continues to live in Utah and is deeply unhappy, has given up dating, cannot even connect w local friends to spend time with. I do not believe any of that will or can change while in Utah - not for him. )
@kkilljoy3588 bro, if you live in Garden Grove, Santa Ana, Westminster, or Anaheim (not hills), it's a really great time. Even Orange sometimes
The version I am familiar with is, “show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who is tired of dealing with her shit.” It’s a small change, but it still refers to things that appear ideal coming with their own set of problems that aren’t apparent at first glance.
That's the version I'm familiar with, also.
It also fits better with OP's lesson.
@@arcadiaberger9204 It doesn't seem to fit any better to me because, in addition to being more misogynistic, it is putting the focus outside again (it's "her" shit that makes it no longer worth it) not inside (it's my approach and expectations that caused the issue).
So much of my early adult life was spent thinking, “Once this thing changes (job, education, relationship problem, personal goal) I’ll finally be happy”. So much of what you said really resonated with me. Like you said, there are definitely external factors that affect our happiness, but you can only change so many of these things before the work becomes fully internal.
In 12 step spaces they mockingly talk about the geography cure, when people think that landing in a new city will miraculously fix all of their problems. I've heard it put like this: there's nowhere in the universe that you can go where you won't find yourself.
I actually had to remove myself from a group just in the past few months because I realized that I was the one bringing a bad vibe to the group. It hurt a lot to admit that to myself, but I think everyone involved is better off now.
This reminds me of a conversation I had a with a sex shop retailer in Naarm/Melbourne, Australia last year while I was on holiday there. I had just bought a copy of Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy's The Ethical Slut and she was chatting to me me about about the veneer Melbourne likes to put up of being a sex-positive and inclusive city to explore non-monogamy. She said there was a great deal of hierarchy and toxicity in the local polyamory community and said a lot of people coming from all over the world should examine their preconceptions about the city before moving there to 'try out polyamory' (while somehow touting New York City as a 'better city'). Which reminds me of another thing I was told by someone when I was 19 upon enrolling at university: "You don't know what you don't know." Just because a city has a reputation for being artsy, cultured, progressive, left leaning and sex positive, doesn't mean, there isn't a 'darker' side to living in that city. Whether that be sex pests, shitty and exploitative business owners, crypto-fascists or narcissists, none of these spaces are immune to these behaviours and personalities just because they wear a veneer of being 'sex-positive' and 'alternative'.
I came to a similar realisation when I was living in Japan, a goal I'd worked towards for a year, and I was miserable. Wherever you go, there you are.
"Oh yeahhhh life goes on, long after the thrill of livin is gone"
-chili dog.
an idea we talk about in media studies is that there's no such thing as quality of media, there's just signifiers in interpretation. The way I shorthand this is 'what matters to you matters.' I don't need my students to legitimise their opinions by talking about the good impact of their potential projects, I need them to tell me why they care about them and what they're focusing on. This is still something they struggle with. Basically, yeah sure it's a pretty crass joke and all but it matters to you and that mattering isn't a waste of your time to explore. Good video. Have brain chemicals.
I really like this way of thinking, thanks for sharing and being cool 🤍
Excellent thoughts, thanks for sharing!!! 💜
When I was in my mid-20s, I volunteered in the marine mammal department for my city's aquarium which is pretty world renowned. It's was a really sweet gig, I got to essentially ride tag-along with a lot of marine mammal techs and trainers, and see first hand how all this was done. One day, I was with one of these trainers who I had a good relationship with, and she was complaining about all the work she had to do , her boss and wish she did something easier with her life. I was like, isn't this your dream job? Her response was, "Yes, those two aren't mutually exclusive, a**hole."
I unfortunately don’t have enough time to write a proper comment, but during the middle of this I had a thought that was basically “people are adaptable, which can be a good thing or a bad thing”.
As a young adult learning the way relationships become the normal and in some ways boring part of your life has definitely been an important thing to do
I was brought up as a man in a relatively small town in a country with very backwards ideas on how relationships work
I thought I overcame it when I became a leftist a few years ago.
But it became awfuly clear of just how wrong I was, when I was with my ex I was having constant and terrible panic attacks over the fact that I couldnt feel a hot and passionate love for them at all times, it was awful for both of us.
Things become normal and a part of your life, and finding excitement in them is a separate process
The version of that I'm familiar with shows an incredibly (almost painfully) beautiful man, well built, with all the right parts in all the right places and dressed in skimpy shorts, captioned "You just know somebody somewhere is totally sick of his shit."
I spoke about the idea of human baseline happiness in a comment on a previous video, this feels like it's hitting the same idea from another different direction. I think it has a lot of merit, but we do need to be a bit careful because this idea that "it's not the system that's wrong, it's yourself that's wrong" can potentially be a tool oppression uses to keep us down. There is truth to it, but we shouldn't let that stop us from demanding better.
Fai enough, it’s definitely a balance to seek
This is great and that joke is gonna stick with me too. I've heard John Green talk about a similar philosophy and the way he tends to put it is "there is no Geographic Cure for what ails you".
"We have to endure the discordance between imagination and fact. It is better to say, 'I am suffering,' than to say, 'This landscape is ugly.'”
Simone Weil
I heard a version of that joke when I was in my mid to late 20s while I was doing everything that I could to find a girl friend. The joke I heard was "No matter how hot she is some guy somewhere is glad to be done with her shit." The wisdom I took from that joke was vastly different than what you took from your version. I took it to mean that you shouldn't idealize a woman who you had just started a relationship with. You should realize that when all is said and done they are just a normal person with good and bad qualities, strengths and weaknesses, and quirks that will mesh well with your own quirks and those that will make you crazy. For me, when I started dating I would often put the woman up on a pedestal and see her as some ideally perfect person and I needed to change to match her needs. It took a lot of stress off of me when I accepted that these women weren't some goddess for me to impress but rather just a normal person who I hoped to click with but I might not and it is better to find that out sooner rather than later.
This can also happen to women, and we do say the same about men - even without a joke about it. As my cousin used to put it back in the day, "even Sharon Stone needs deodorant". And so does Brad Pitt.
Wherever you go, there you are
I said that out loud, midway through.
I definitely agree with this take! Personally, I had a similar realization in college when I got involved with my college's theater club as it was reforming post covid. It was run by a group of upperclassmen who hadn't gotten club leadership experience before the pandemic, so after year 1, it basically fell on me and a bunch of other underclassmen to try and essentially turn the club from being held together by duct tape and a dream into something functional. And, to toot my own horn a bit, I think we did a damn good job! We've come a long way from the chaotic mess we started with. It's still messy, because theater always is, but as they say, the show must go on.
The reason I bring up that story is that I think it's taught me a lot about the value of investment, and how really putting solid work into something is really key for making things work. Back in high school, I had a tendency to hop between friend groups, between clubs, etc, because I always had a way of finding a reason to not commit to them for more than a semester or two. But helping with the production of theater, where nothing ever goes perfectly, and making it work anyways? Really made a difference. It's easy to be critical of what's in front of you and find reasons it's not good enough, it's another thing entirely to make the most of it anyways.
A joke helped Me like this but it was from the simpsons. Marge made everyone clean up the house and Bart is like 'uuuugggh can't we just buy a new house?' I often feel like that because even though we own our own house and cars (well...the bank owns it) forming habits to clean up the place easier and organising in a way that works for us, making my car and phone last for as long as possible and maybe doing a new design on it will satisfy the dopamine rush i need to keep things new and fresh...heck I could live here for another 10 years quite happily. With me what often happens Is because I'm a creative and have adhd and chronic illness...I just have to work out why I'm feeling so crap and work from there. Usually I need a nap, need to do a painting instead of being on my phone, probably hungry and need to cook a good meal....anyway yeh just buying a new house every time it gets messy just means you're spreading your crap further than it needs to
What you described, that feeling of going outside and being present in the moment, is why I ride motorcycles. Commuting in that shitty Seattle traffic is tolerable because at least I feel like I am going on a bike ride though the city, connecting with it in ways people simply ‘tune out’ in cars.
I have a buddy who likes driving stick instead of automatic for a similar reason. He enjoys feeling active and connected to what the car is doing, what the road is like, etc
That piece of worn-out wisdom about "touching grass" doesn't have to involve literal grass (although I think time spent in nature is powerful stuff). After several years living in my neighbourhood I've started walking and cycling around - and that slower pace with the light and air coming at you without A/C and tinted windows gives a totally different understanding of the place.
Funnily enough, I’ve been sorting a similar version of this question in my head!
My job has required me to travel more than ever, and last year alone I’ve been to three metro areas I’d never been to. I’d always asked if the grass was greener on the other side, but I’ve taken that question much more seriously since my parents told me they were planning to move to the west coast in a few years. With every cool city I visited this year, like Oakland, Philadelphia, Atlanta, NYC, and Pittsburgh, I’d ask myself if I could see myself living there. And I caught myself thinking I should see more of my backyard before I make that determination. This month, I am seeking out ways I can explore.
Happy New Year, Phil! Thank you for a thoughtful video 💜 let’s do our best this year!
One of the most interesting permutations of this idea I’ve ever heard was in a song by Propaganda called It’s Not Working. It pointed out that even activism can become this type of fantasy, where you would still be unhappy if all your goals were magically achieved tomorrow because you’d still be you. It’s been like that for me sometimes. It distorts my ideas about what I’m working for and why, which is detrimental to me as a person and as an activist. It’s a way I tell myself that being happy is effectively impossible, but maybe if I do all the right things with all my might indefinitely, maybe someday I’ll find I’ve earned happiness, which is pretty messed up. It makes disappointment the good ending. So I try to keep an eye on it and take some some time every so often to examine what exactly I think I’m working towards.
This simpler version that's always stuck with me is: "You can get used to anything." At first it's kind of a no-brainer, but as you keep prodding at the notion of "anything" it gets pretty wild, but it's never not true as long as you can survive the thing.
It's one of the two strongest arguments against eternal damnation (the other being, "How can a limited being earn unlimited punishment?").
I read "sexiest" at first. Haven't watched the video yet, but I'm already disappointed. Thanks Dad.
Not a bad attitude, but a lack of self awareness. I’ve been in a lot of relationships and they all seem to go the exact same way. I finally, at the tender age of 43, sat back and said, “holy crap, I have never been in love.” No matter how strong I felt about a partner at the time, it was always a fleeting, wild feeling. That would end up making both of us miserable. Now that I know that romantic love isn’t something I feel, I can approach intimate relationships differently and hopefully not just make the same mess over and over again.
As a younger (college-aged) aromantic person, this is one reason I'm glad I figured this out so early. I 100% would have had the same experience as you. I did, briefly.
The one relationship I've been in (with someone who was a good friend) ended up making me feel stressed and guilty for simultaneously wanting to be a good partner and not having the urge to do "good partner" things like seeing each other super often and knowing everything about each other's lives.
I don't know if you identify as aromantic yourself, but even if you don't it's really cool to see someone older than me who's had such a similar experience.
@@victoriat8922 I do identify as aromantic. What differs us is that I do really like closeness/intimacy (not necessarily sexual), but the whole love and romance thing stresses me out and gives me the ick. Declarations of devotion? No, no thank you! Sit and talk for hours about anything and everything? Yes please. Or just a physical thing, that’s fine too.
I’m glad you know yourself so early on in your life!
@@salyx Oh I do enjoy intimacy! Just a romantic context and the expectation of a relationship being the most important thing in your life makes me uncomfortable. Thank you for replying! It's really cool to talk to an older aromatic person, most everyone I know who uses the label (few though they are) is around my age. It's cool to see we can be forty. :)
@@victoriat8922 yep! We can get old and ugly just like everyone else! 😅
I think I needed to hear this to help myself change my perspective and give myself permission to work with what I already have around me.
Growing up with autism made me see aspirations in their entirety in a different light. I could immediately recognize superficiality very easily as a child and a lot of people's goals and aspirational wants just always seemed like that: superficial. I realized a lot of what people said they wanted were things they could never guarantee themselves through the universe and were things they "wanted" in the sense that I "want" to visit Narnia. Sure, it'd be cool, but to treat Narnia as a viable travel option is faulty and escapist in a way that harms me and the way I interact with actual real life paths that can get me closer to actual real life positions that I want. In a way, escapism is embroiled in how Americans view goals/aspirations.
With all that being said, I sure do keep goals and think about achieving things that aren't within my power to ensure, but I keep my mind and my eyes open to all paths presented to me and all opportunities I notice. Doing so has gotten me into passions I didn't know I had and positions I didn't know I could reach. Perhaps its just my low view of my self-worth or some form of optimism, but it works for me either way.
This is a good thing for me to remember right now. My wife and I live in Idaho, and for various reasons its going to be very difficult for us to leave, even without considering the financial challenges that always present themselves with an out of state move. I don't know for certain, but I'd wager the political situation in Idaho is at least as toxic as anywhere else in the country. The only saving grace is toxic conservatism is so entrenched that people tend to believe that you feel the same way if you don't force the issue. We'd really like to leave, for our own mental health and for the safety of our kids, but its just not a reality right now. So we have to try and do the best we can in the situation. I've been trying to keep in touch with some old college friends who are also stuck. It's helpful for solidarity and to remember that a lot of people have it a whole lot worse (a dear friend of mine has child who is not allowed to talk about her parents at school because god forbid two women get together). Channels like this are really helpful too. I appreciate hearing from the left-leaning folks with kids. It makes me feel less old and less alone lol.
I think I saw this joke in a book called "Truly Tasteless Jokes" in the 80s. Or maybe it was "Joking Off". One of the two.
I love this joke for similar reasons you discussed. I remember it because the context in which I first heard it turned on a lightbulb for me. The person that said it was a dick, and the irony of the joke’s grain of truth struck me as an admission that he could have anyone and not be willing to spend energy nurturing their connection. It was very much a “there but for the grace of God go I” feeling. A relationship isn’t an object, and natural chemistry between you and your partner requires active care and consistency.
Criminally underviewed, excellent work
This is such an interesting take because I went on the opposite journey.
The way I interfaced with my families religious and political beliefs, I felt that my inner peace was nearly entirely a reflection on me doing the work to be the right kind of person and having the right attitude.
I kept feeling guilty for wanting more time and money, thinking that it was foolish to believe that I would be happier with those things.
Well, it turns out that I happened to marry someone who can afford to have me not work, and I'm so much more art peace now. I'm not constantly burning out, and if I am reasonable with my budget, I can have nice things. I never worry about affording food anymore.
I'm not afraid to look inward and work on myself, but I'm also a big believer the belief that finding the right lifestyle, circumstances, or system can make a non-trivial difference in peace of mind.
I say, if you have the means, try both. Try introspecting/therapy/occupational/feeling your feelings. And try changing up circumstances from time to time.
PLEASE TELL THIS TO EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO MOVE TO BERLIN. Trust me being on holidays in Berlin is way more fun than living here.
when i was in my early 20s all of my friends moved away, and in hindsight it feels like i was going through one extremely prolonged panic attack in responce, i spent so much time feeling like i needed to find my own place just like all of them did, but was never able to figure out how to BE in any place other than the one i had come from; this video really made me think about that time, and dwell on how i also had to figure out how to make the best situation out of my circumstances, i ended up finding a lot of quiet and solitude just from turning 30, it was like something flipped in my brain and it became much easier to stretch out and slow down, but i think everyone figures out how to do that in their own way, right? whether its a crass joke, or a million other things, i hope it hits us all eventually
I saw the title and thought "this is going to be interesting" but then I saw the content warning and thought "I wouldn't have clicked if I had known this"
it would shock and amaze you what people do and do not read before they click on a video lol
I laughed far more that the LOTR image when you mentioned Two and a Half Men than I did at the actual joke.
show me the most sexist joke in the world, and i'll show you the "canceled" comedian who keeps telling it at every show
This is why I have weekly check-ins with myself. They help me to figure out if I feel unhappy or just complacent. It also helps me to figure out what small, immediate steps I can take to increase my happiness and think about what I’m grateful for. It’s so good for my mental health. I’ve been in my current job for almost 3 years now and even though it annoys me sometimes, I can now find little moments every week (every day is a stretch as a teacher) that remind me that I love my job. I also validate the fact that I’m not going to love every moment of my life! It’s so helpful
Definitely on to something here Phil. Your conclusion at the end reminds me of the serenity prayer. Aceepting what we cannot change, asking for courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Very insightful video. You're right, it is important to take responsibility for ourselves. When I take a look at what I can and cannot control in life, I realize how little control I have over people, places, things, or situations. But I can control my attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs. It is freeing, not to have to be trying to control everything.
"I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world, as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
Thanks Phil 😊
This is so massively needed for me right now, this video showed up at the absolute perfect time. THANK YOU. I always struggle with exactly this, I find myself constantly upset about the wonderful life that I have, because what if it could be better or what if it could be different and new. Instead I should be focusing on the common factor in all my what if's. ME, I need to slow down and take stock of the amazing life I am lucky enough to live.
This is video super insightful. You describe a realization all adults come to eventually. Every few years, it’s important for me to remind myself of this truth because it’s super easy to become stagnant and unfulfilled.
Learned this lesson the hard way over the years and it is definitely a thought process to live by and is great for reminding myself to also not take things for granted. Often times you can re-learn to love that "beautiful woman" and see how much 'she' actually means to you.
I've watched 5 of your videos back to back, and I can't get enough. (Sometimes the algorithm really hits the mark). It's not just the quality of the videos or the thoughtfulness you put into them. I feel as though, if we had met in real life, we might be best friends. We could have some of those conversations that make you stay up until the wee hours of the morning, because they're engaging and you really click with the person. I've already learned a lot, and my perspective on a lot of things has already been shaken, causing me to deep-think about some seemingly unrelated things.
Keep up the great work, Phil. 🙂
I moved abroad for university, and one time my roommate and I were lamenting our productivity struggles and feelings of inadequacy, despite being in an exciting and beautiful new place. I'll never forget her saying "you're still you in a new place" and I feel like that comment alone has and will save me a lot of grief that I would have had by trying to find just the right city or job when really I was just as much a factor in my enjoyment of the place I was in.
Thank you for this. Was recently fired and now my living situation is in flux with prospects of moving to new cities, back to my home country pr another country. Knowing that first I need to be happy with who and where I am, and then accepting that I have to be ok with change are important steps to getting my life back on track.
Life seems tk come in cycles and once you "master" the cycle, a new cycle appears eith its own problems and issues. Judt gotta keep moving and progressing.
As a younger man your words really struck me. Thank you comrade)
Something that I came across a few years into studying Japanese martial arts was an idea called shoshin, beginner's mind. Now there's a few ways of interpreting this idea, but the one that was explained to me was that shoshin means that when you do a technique you should treat it like it's the first time you've done it. Because it is the first time you've done it that particular way. You're doing it for the first time with all of the knowledge you've gained and the muscle memory of all the times before which makes this particular time unique. You only get to do it once and then the next rep will be the first one of that rep you'll ever do. You're always a beginner because even your routine is full of new things, if you're willing to look at them that way.
It's not an easy thing to do while working out in the dojo and your body takes over and goes on autopilot, but it's also hard to do in a general sense when your brain goes on autopilot through your life. But it has helped me find comfort in living in a house I wasn't happy moving into, in a town I thought was boring, and with health conditions that keep me from being able to contribute in the way I had been raised thinking a man should. It even helped me realize that I didn't need to associate with a gender at all.
Being able to see the world as it is now as opposed to comparing it to how you're expecting it to be is a very helpful skill. It won't solve your problems, but it might help you see a solution. Or at least find some comfort in the moment when there just isn't a solution.
This is just the proverb ‘Everywhere you go, there you are’
On a similar note, I realized in my twenties that it was more important to be able to be with yourself than with other people who don't even like you. Be able to sit with yourself, be able to get through a door with yourself, because that's the person that'll be there for the rest of your life.
It also influenced that I realized I was bullying myself along with my bullies, and maybe I should start sticking up for myself because if I wasn't even there for myself, how could I ever expect anyone else to stick up for me.
I get this, and it's helped me understand a pet peeve of mine. My mom was fond of saying "It is what it is," something that could have aligned very well with what you're saying. But instead, it was a resignation that whatever "It" was, it was going to be terrible and nothing she could do would change it. It was usually her shutting down over something, as opposed to something to know and work around/with. She did a lot while alive, but she had trouble stucking with things because she got bored, or they weren't fixing an unconnected lack elsewhere in her life. Which made things she was passionate about become an "It" she was then resigned to.
On the other hand, "it is what it is" is a very useful phrase for people who tend to get wound up over things they really can't change. It allows them to move on and concentrate on what they have power over rather than obsessing on things that have already happened and can't be undone.
I like the thought that I have at least some degree of agency when it comes to my happiness. I find it motivating and it does snap me out of an "all is lost" kind of rot. Can I cure my depression by changing my mindset? Nope, but I can go to therapy (thank you German healthcare system) and take it seriously. Can I make the cars that make my city noisy and polluted dissppear? Nope, but I can join protests for better infrastructure. Can I stop the discrimination of fellow queer people? Nope, but I can reach out to my local trans sibblings and support them, show them that being over 30 and trans is possible.
Perhaps funnily enough, like you, it was a joke that changed my outlook, but it did not come from stand-up comedy or some other media. No, it came from my older brother. At the time it was said, he was working as an intern for our local police department, and most of his time was in Records. In this instance, he was shredding old paper documents that had been digitized and backed up, rendering the old documents pointless. During one day of this, as he was sitting in a back corner in a mid-grade office chair and feeding sheet after sheet into the shredder, one of the detectives saw him at work and tried to joke about him wanting to do "real police work." Now, this "back corner" my brother sat in was still in the open floor area with all of the other officers, so they got to witness the whole exchange, and because of this, his response to the detective went down as a legend at the station. His response:
"Hmm, so I can take up 'real police work' like you, where you have to dig, sometimes literally, for evidence that is likely contaminated and therefore useless, reach out to usually uncooperative witnesses, and generally deal with all mannery of asshattery while subjecting yourself to whatever the weather of the day is... or, I can sit here in the climate-controlled station, far away from any and all of the @$$holes _you_ have to deal with, and just shred these now useless papers instead. Hmm, I wonder which of us has the better job description."
Also, like you, it was years later that I took an important life lesson: examine what you want to do and what you are willing to put up with, determine which is worth doing, and then try to find a way to fulfill that while being compensated for it.
Now, first off, no, this is not one of those "if you find a job you love, you'll never work a day in your life" spiels, nor is it one these f^^^ing annoying crypto spam comments. However, his response to that detective served me well with my first full-time job as a chemist and lab tech and then my last job in the US as a health department microbiologist. They both came with their own hard and/or tedious work. Yes, they are hard work. You try making fine movements while wearing the full plastic environment suit as a chemist or handling a freshly severed cow head - so fresh that it was still leaking blood when it was brought in - so that it could be tested for rabies as a microbiologist (my first day as a microbiologist, I was potentially exposed to HIV because the specimen container was not properly sealed for shipping to the lab, and I had to spend the next three days testing for it).
That response also came in handy when things were not going well for me. I was jobless for over a year after being laid off from the microbiologist position (f^^^ you and burn along with the rest of your party, Abbott), and the job-hunting was not going well. Finally, I snapped after getting passed over for a position that I not only met all of the qualifications for (and not just the minimums) but was also within actual walking distance of. I was furious, and so I decided to just uproot myself and leave the US - and mind you, I had been applying to all over the US, even the territories. I kept thinking of my brother's response and the lesson I took from it, so I decided to see if there was anything outside of the US I could try for.
It was painful to go through in the beginning, and I still have a ways to go before I feel like my roots are properly replanted (which for me involves achieving permanent residency), but I have felt much more balanced than I ever did before I left. I experienced things I never would have before, I met people I never would have before, and I worked jobs I never would have before. Am I in a truly better position than I was before? I like to think so, but I still recognize my position. I was immensely lucky to do what I have so far.
When I started asking my new associates for things like places to live should I ever truly plant my roots, I ask them for what they hate the least. They were initially surprised that I did not ask for what they liked the most, and I said that the last thing I want is a marketing pitch, because marketing pitches, by their nature, are full of lies and dressing up. I know how jaded and cynical that sounds, but that was how the US left me. Thankfully, I have been able to shake off quite a few of my jaded American-isms, and after the changes I have gone through since I left, I feel like I want to give back to the nation that, perhaps unintentionally, gave me so much. I hope that not only does it not stop for me, but that others - and as many as possible - get their own version of what I got. Yeah, I do not expect what worked for me to work for anyone, let alone everyone, else, but I learned that it is a matter of what is worth putting your effort into. It may not - and frankly, cannot - be everything, but it also cannot be nothing.
I guess in the end, it is the same conclusion made in the video. Hope I can ship some of this positivity from here in the Down Under Islands of Middle Earth.
Where did you go? (Great anecdote, by the way)
@@diskgrinder New Zealand. I would like to think I dropped enough hints in the nickname I half-came up with myself, what with the biggest one being "Middle Earth."
This reminds me of my favorite response to "the grass is always greener on the other side"
"No, the grass is greener where you tend it."
Your emotional openness and your overall comfort with being vulnerable is extremely attractive, IMO. I think you're a person I could definitely fall for.
However, you also seem like a genuinely ~good~ person. My conscience would never allow me to subject someone so wholesome to such a dark fate. 😅
Well I definitely appreciate the kind words! I will say, though, never forget that you only see the version of me I choose to put online. I do my best to be kind and courteous and compassionate out in AFK space, but I rarely live up to my own standards. :)
I changed continents, and while there's definitely more stability here in comparison with my homeland, I still have all those internal issues I was running away from. The change of scenery definitely helped to make the self improvement a bit easier, but that's it.
Great vid, Phil😉
DSA covers all of the factors for me. Helps me be active in my community, meet new people, make a positive impact that personally feels good and goes towards easing the societal failures that are pushing folks down the depression path I was previously on.
This is just another iteration of "The grass is always greener on the other side." The initial joke is considered crass because it treats a human being as if they were a patch of grass, so to speak. However, the point you're making is correct. I'd say the most difficult part is figuring out who you are and what you actually need to be fulfilled. The rest is just a matter of doing it. Where you do it, who you do it with and how you do it matters, but it's empty without the first part. For me it's been a lot of trial and error for many years.,
This is similar to "choose your problems" the idea that no matter what path you choose it's going to come with it's "99 problems". Obviously the problems that come with being wealthy are preferable to the problems that come from living in poverty. Once you reach a certain income bracket and have your basic needs of food, clean water, shelter and safety reasonably met it's on you to make the most out of your life and "choose the problems you want", Sometimes changes in life are needed like accepting we are in a toxic work environment or relationship and we need to move on that's valid and will likely improve your mental health. Then there is being bored or dissatisfied because you're not making any effort to engage with your environment or improve your outlook in which case you're expecting external validation to make you happy and that attitude will follow you wherever you go.
Hey, I feel like this didnt tell me anything I didn't already know but I still needed to be reminded about it, so thanks
the magic was inside you all along
I'm glad I listened to this video. Your points made good sense and were helpful. Thank you.
An important component of happiness is actually knowing when you are happy. When is enough...enough? This is something I've come to realize later in life.
I had an early childhood onset of depression and anxiety, with treatment reaching me well into adulthood. Turns out I have the treatment-resistant variety. It's been instrumental to find ways to look clearly at what I'm experiencing, and to reframe things whenever possible. A huge part of my having been able to reach middle-age is recognizing when things are interesting. I'm driven by curiosity, so things don't have to be "good" in some metric determined by others, but "interesting". Where do I place my attention? Why am I drawn? Focused distraction can do a lot for me.
The crass joke makes the point, but you sounded a bit unsure at the end there about its validity, so here’s a hopefully helpful factoid: this is actually a well documented phenomenon in psychology called “hedonic adaptation”. Everybody eventually gets bored of “normal” no matter how objectively great (or terrible!) “normal” might be.
Part of the solution to this is that you have to actively, and regularly, seek out novelty. Shutting myself inside for 2 years during the pandemic created a fascinating smorgasbord of new psychological problems for me, which at first I mistook for just the stress of the worry about the disease, but once I noticed more particular and specific symptoms like issues with memory and motivation, I learned that it was more likely just the grinding *sameness*, even though (especially compared to many others at the time) I was relatively comfortable.
Part of finding a happy normal is finding ways not to always be normal.
There's a quote from Terry Pratchett (because there always is) that covers this rather well. Excuse the all-caps, there's a reason for it:
"HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM"
I have found words to carry with me "I want to approach the world with an open and eager heart" will be words I think about often.
Another one for the 'Worldview' playlist. Thanks brotha'
That quote is similar to a different quote that I’ve heard “
“You show me an honest man, and I’ll show you a very talented liar”
Funny coincidence: just before I watched this video, I was listening to the Talking Heads, Stop Making Sense soundtrack. You nearly quoted a line from "Cities". A slightly crazed David Byrne sings:
I'm checking 'em out, I'm checking 'em out,
I got it figured out, I got it figured out.
There's good points, some bad points,
But it all works out, though I'm a little freaked out.
I'll find myself a city to live in.
If you don't know the song, it's an absurd mockery of the idea that we can find the perfect city to live in, sung by a person who is clearly on the edge. It's hilarious and weird. One of my all-time favorites, and I was lucky enough to see TH on the tour when this was filmed.
Hi Dang Dad 👋 what I find interesting, and no one in the comments has mentioned so far is that even though this joke is a crass version of “no matter where you go, there you are” it only works as a joke from a cis male perspective. If a woman comedian where to tell it,at best it would get some head nods and mm-hmms. I think that’s because (and this is what makes it misogynistic despite what others have argued) is that the joke expects men to see women as property, something to be claimed, not just something beautiful to be with.
100%
@@ThatDangDaddamn u answered I can’t be peaking this early on 2024’s upcoming hellscape! 😭🤣
Edited to add: also just realized I wrote “where” instead of “were” so now Ive gone from elated to embarrassed so fast I now have whiplash 😂😭
I have long used the "grass is always greener" to remind myself of a similar thing, though my approach to the topic is likely influenced by the fact that ive known since early childhood that i cant trust my senses, and how different my perception of situations is from others, for a range of reasons.
This video is what I needed to hear right now. Thank you
I had a similar journey, but i finally decided on a very concrete basis: climate.
I can be happy or unhappy anywhere, find good people or not anywhere. I could never be sure.
But i could leave Chicago and nasty frigid, soggy, dark winters, and be warmer.
Couldn't afford California, Arizona is too hot, and the social and political aspects of the South including Florida, combined with the hateful humidity, rules those places out.
That left New Mexico.
I've been here 30 years, and the climate is great.
And it's not the insufferable Texas. I'm not living anywhere that grown men wear cowboy hats unironically.
So i did that.
i appreciate this video. it made me stop to think about a move im going to do in the upcoming month or two and whether or not its a rational decision. i think it is. but i appreciate stoking the thought. :D
I love everything you said here, but I wish you'd also said that collectively we CAN change more things about our collective lives than we can individually. To me that's the difference between living in "a society" vs community, because together we have more power to change the bad things in life than we give ourselves credit for.
Thank you for this video, it really resonates with how I'm feeling and what I'm going through right now. ❤
Nice video. Hope you're settling into Minneapolis well, I love this place and hope you do too.
Yup i love it here!
❤ Thank you for existing
This reminds me of when my family visited a certain Virginian tourist town when I was super young and I was like "wow, I wanna live here!" and then a few years later I did and it was low key the worst thing that ever happened to me
I do like living in Boston, though. Gotta try to remind myself of this when our public transportation just stops for no reason lol.
Boston is my favorite major metro area in the US (to visit). I used to go every year for a big marketing conference. Haven't been back since COVID... :(
The algorithm has blessed me today. You worded everything so well, and thought this out so thoroughly. Great video man.
Getting my dream job and still being depressed and unhappy made me start to come to terms with the fact that my brain straight up doesn't work the way I want. I think I still haven't recovered from that disappointment. Thank you for this video, it's given me a lot to think about.
"Everywhere you go, there you are"
I used to think "Oh this city sucks! I wish I lived somwhere else!", I then visited Houston one time and then decided I was good where I'm at right now
I think this also addresses the problem with the saying "money can't buy happiness" as well as the what it gets right. Yes money can make solving your problems easier but not by itself and not all of the problems. Its not THE answer but it helps to find it.
I didn't even realize the joke was over, I was waiting for the punchline, lol.
Jesus Murphy this video couldn't have come at a better time for me. Thanks for all your work you do, your channel is a diamond in the rough🥲
I'm currently grappling with trying to find a job I can handle doing. I feel I keep turning down options just because "it might be boring" or "it might be too (physically) hard" but I just gotta lower my standards so I can *have a job* lol
the version in my head is more like the ancient "the grass is always greener on the other side". but yeah, one hundred percent agree with you. if you think X will fix anything about yourself, you will probably be in for a disappointment.
Yeah, it's like the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side" but the grass is like a rainbow, you can never reach it, it's an illusion.