The most difficult boundary for me to maintain is my time. Toxic people tend to want to take up all of your time. Setting a limit on that ahead of time definitely has helped and being able to say no is a huge part of it!
Same with me. I cut off the person completely, bec I had a hard time accomodating that person with just a certain limit or minimal contact. I actually tried and voice out my need for space and time alone but the person kept on contacting me constantly.
This was an issue for me in the past and I'm so glad I've changed that. I feel so much better and have really been able to prioritize my personal needs.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist that might be a sociopath or psychopath as well. The whole relationship I questioned my self worth. He would lift me up just to stomp me down over & over again for 3 years. Everyone told me to get out & run away, but I couldn’t see why, I was in love with all the good we had that I honestly pushed all the bad aside to make him happy. But the truth was he was happy when he made me feel low. He was the happiest when he knew I had given him control it. The moment I stood up for myself was the moment it got physical. He made me out to be the “crazy” woman online & his friends would laugh at me for the things he did to me. I was embarrassed, ashamed & low. The whole thing was so stressful I landed myself in the hospital with a heart problem. Even then I didn’t see it for what it was. He was no where to be found as I would collapse on the floor from poor circulation. Even then “I was making up illnesses for attention not until a friend of mind introduced me to this hacker on INSTAGRAM tech_expert211 who helped me to access my husband's phone & gave me all the necessary informations I need so i can get a divorce,now I'm free from my narc husband
Absolutely!!! Toxic people have a nack for sucking us in and pulling us away from ourselves and we end up violating our own boundaries wanting not to get into an uncomfortable situation. We don’t like their discomfort and objection to our boundaries so we compromise and end up absorbing the discomfort within ourselves. I’m learning even if have to be abrupt and part from an energy sucker mid sentence it will feel uncomfortable and awkward but to not do this will result in a prolonged period of trying to find a way to extract ourselves because we want to be gracious. I give strong heads up in advanced now, “I won’t be available to talk tomorrow, I have to maintain my momentum otherwise my executive functioning will get derailed and I won’t get anything done etc and forewarn the toxic person I’m already half way out the door so don’t try to pull me back in and if you do just know my inertia is to keep doing what I’m doing so it’s nothing personal but I have to get things done and can’t waste precious time. Does this matter to them? No, but at least they know you’re not going to be available. I used to use the I have a really bad headache, or I’m not feeling well and don’t have energy to talk or hang out and make up things to get out of being sucked in but they need direct communication because they don’t read between the lines and nor do they care.
Boundaries are worthless unless they're backed up by consequences. For example: "Please speak to me in a calm way. If you continue to speak to me in a harsh manner, I will end this conversation" When your boundaries are disrespected or violated, then you must push through with the consequences.
Very insightful, Petra. I'm dealing with a narcissist at work,and because I ignore her,it enrages her. She has tried to cross my boundaries but I won't tolerate it from anyone.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist that might be a sociopath or psychopath as well. The whole relationship I questioned my self worth. He would lift me up just to stomp me down over & over again for 3 years. Everyone told me to get out & run away, but I couldn’t see why, I was in love with all the good we had that I honestly pushed all the bad aside to make him happy. But the truth was he was happy when he made me feel low. He was the happiest when he knew I had given him control it. The moment I stood up for myself was the moment it got physical. He made me out to be the “crazy” woman online & his friends would laugh at me for the things he did to me. I was embarrassed, ashamed & low. The whole thing was so stressful I landed myself in the hospital with a heart problem. Even then I didn’t see it for what it was. He was no where to be found as I would collapse on the floor from poor circulation. Even then “I was making up illnesses for attention not until a friend of mind introduced me to this hacker on INSTAGRAM tech_expert211 who helped me to access my husband's phone & gave me all the necessary informations I need so i can get a divorce,now I'm free from my narc husband
Your videos have helped me so much, Petra! It's given me a lot to realise about my previous toxic relationship with my ex friend. She left me emotionally devastated when she told me that I'll never find anyone to love me, while making me repeat the words "I hate myself" in many of our supposedly "free therapy" calls. She ended up romantically confessing to my then crush, painted me in a bad light (by saying that I'm mentally unstable) to the point that me and the guy aren't friends anymore. It's been almost a year, and I still see her popping up occasionally on social media and within my circle of friends (I am still friends with some of her friends). It took me a long time to realise that I was in a friendship with a narcissist, and your videos made me realise it. She has no hope of making new female friends, and I hope she enjoyed spending the very last bits of my trust away, because I truly wish that she doesn't harm anyone else anymore. I'm working on myself now, and I dropped almost 20 pounds after leaving the friendship!!! Let's go!!
Hi sweet Leona, her "free therapy" was extremely toxic! Be proud and happy with your decision to leave this friendship! Continue working on yourself and take the time to answer the following questions for yourself. Who am I? and What do I want? This will help you to clear the filter that the narcissist put over your eyes and to regain self-love, self-trust and self-appreciation. Love and hugs x
❤UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHBOMB❤ I dont think our greatest fear with setting boundaries is about the impact is has on others, but on how others perceive US. It is very challenging for our ego's to ve seen as bad or as bitchy or as mean. Our ego makes us believe it is about the other person, but in truth it is about ourselves. Another important thing that i like to create more awareness on is avoid using phrases as "I CAN'T" or "I HAVE TO" and change them into I WON'T or I CHOOSE NOT TO. First of all they are not true, because everything we do is a choice and second is that using those phrases makes you aware of the power of your free will choices. By using these last phrases you step into full responsibility for your choices and it is a great way to overcome the fear of being disliked.
Once again, I'm dealing with a narcissist who thinks she knows everything and does not respect boundaries, violating them all the time. She is my neighbor and she invited herself onto my porch yesterday and then proceeded to come unhinged over something I said, yelling at me, sticking her face in my screen door to yell at me more when I retreated into my house and she then ran off yelling she hopes I have a fatal disease. This morning, I didn't want to feel uncomfortable going outside around her and I felt the need to make nice and apologize for my part in her getting upset(?) As I type this, it sounds ridiculous...why should I apologize? She did not apologize in turn and told me she was not gonna walk on eggshells around me and that we need to talk about it instead of text. I don't want to talk about it. I want to have boundaries. That is what I'm working on in therapy. This woman has red flags all over her and is nosy, hyper-critical, over opinionated and has inserted herself into my life over the past month or two. I don't know why I liked her in the first place, now that I'm thinking about it. I did want a friend and I did find things I liked about her. But now that I think about it, there's plenty about her that I don't like. I'm trying to pay attention to this and get what I'm supposed to get out of it. It comes at a bad time as I just found out I have two more autoimmune diseases, which is what she yelled at me telling me "no, no no, you are making stuff up". I don't want to be around her anymore.
That was wonderful how you empowered your daughter's boundaries. I pulled back on a boundary I set with my narc mom thinking/hoping she might have changed. She didn't.. She reverted to type 🙄. So grateful I can find a Petra video to recalibrate! Thank you. P.S. Love the having fun with "no" advice!
Such a great point Petra. I wasn't taught as a child and didn't have a clue about boundaries. Now, thankfully for videos such as these, I now have and protect healthy boundaries. I am still learning but have come a long way.
I simply love your videos! You've helped me very much through healing from a toxic friendship. My boundaries were so violated, I felt emotionally exhausted but finally I feel free. Keep up the good work. Congratulations from Greece
I'm struggling because we are in the same household currently. Every time I go into a certain area of the house here they come into that space as well. What is it with these individuals... I'm drained...
Thank-you for this. I was dating a girl for a brief period who I believe has cPTSD. She is in an abusive friendship with a Narc, and is a flying monkey. Her behaviour almost completely changed when around her friends. It is also sexually abusive. Her friends are opinion bullies. Typical distortions of truth, vague references to things with no elaboration when asked, and lots of moral grandstanding. I asked for clarifications on things and tried to be open-minded, but it's clear they want submission and prostration; not dialogue. The girl I was seeing made excuses for their behaviour and couldn't see it. She was so open-minded and we had many honest discussions about different topics, which we agreed and disagreed on. However, I believe I have been painted as the Narc. She drew her boundary on not having anymore discussions with me. She told me she wanted stop talking. I asked why and if we could work on it. She told me no, and said she didn't want to elaborate, nor that she felt she had to. This could also have been because it was difficult to stifle our feelings for each-other. I will not and did not push her. She has drawn a boundary, but to what seems to be at the command of someone else. I fully encouraged her to speak up and argue her corner. At no point have I stifled her. I fully encourage everyone to argue their point, but also consider other people's and reconsider when they may be wrong -- including myself. Her friends have very radical politics, and I think they have manipulated the idea of boundaries, to shut down her open-mindedness and consideration of others. She still engages politically with her Christian Conservative father, who may have also contributed to her issues due to neglect. He also argues from a different position than me. My views are based in empiricism, which may be more of a threat to the facade her friends maintain. Outside of just the discussions, we had brilliant chemistry, similar goals, values, humour, wants, interests, hobbies, music, movies, etc. It's very difficult having to let her go, but there is nothing I can do. I still miss her, and I hope she figures out who she is, who cares about her and how to stand up for herself -- not adopting the views of other due to pressure, but because they are likely true.
Honestly you explain things so clearly with effective ways of dealing with difficult people and there is no weird clickbait BS that other RUclipsrs/Practitioners have - your amazing (keep going; your gonna get bigger) ❤
My increased boundaries brought more abuse inevitably complete abandonment Once awakened and aware this contributed to my healing not exactly their goal but no doubt a win for me....
Abandonment is horrible and is also inevitable with toxic people. Keep establishing and maintaining those boundaries dear RealLadi! You're on the right track, I stand with you!
@@PetraVanDeijl It involves my adult children which took so long to let go in spite of especially when thier are 3 beautiful grandchildren but I had to wake up to learn my value in all my love loyalty and generosity. To honestly give it to myself which is something I didn't learn from childhood I only knew how to care for others I appreciate your channel so much you have provided so many confirmations within my journey with such a calm energy that soothes the soul for me and all who are guided to your channel 😊 ❤️ Thanks your comment means the world to me...
Thank you Petra, you’re a natural at this. You have so much wisdom and the gift of counsel. You also have such a soothing and comforting voice. I have major sensory issues and some speakers while they have excellent content I have a hard time listening to them. Another example of a soothing speaker would be Dr. Ramani, I wish my mother had spoken to me the way you both do, she was always sooooo intense, dramatic, and spoke very fast. Again, Thank you 🙏
The paradox about being "allergic to happiness" (LOVE that!) is that many Narcissists I know are allergic to any REAL emotion; joy or grief. So they trot out superficial "think positive" or tell you to stop "acting childish" if you express real joy. Another aspect of their version of being positive is that it is tied into outward achievement. You can't just be happy for no reason--and they will be the wet blanket to dampen it! Whatever you're feeling, they want to dominate and control it. Happy? They'll fix that. Sad? They'll try to make you feel worse! Something you said made me realize that their behaviour toward you is really not personal; even if it's a family member. When you stop engaging they will lose interest and find someone else to replace you. And it's not about the new person, either. Anyone who fits the role will do. It's kind of like being in a TV show and you think, "Meh. I don't want to be in a drama with crappy lines. I want my own show! And it's gonna be a comedy." Always a JOY to see you, dear Petra!
Been working on my boundaries with my narc widowed mom, my co dependent college aged brother and going no contact with my narc golden / hero child college aged sister. Recently reconnected with both adult golden child to lost child younger brother and lost Child younger sister. I’m the oldest of 7 siblings. I used to be the hero golden child till I turned 18. Now I’m the lost - scapegoat child. currently, I work for my mom as her administrative assistant and I hate that she disrespects my time, gives me less work then my salary is suppose to be, and blames me for not knowing what work to do! It’s her company how would I know what to do?! I told her ‘I’m not going to sit like a child waiting for directions. Send me a list of my job duties asap. Looking forward to the email.’ She shut up so quick! I think your other video said to take inventory of what the narc has access to; my mother has all access to everything!! How to spend my money, to sexuality (I’m a woman attracted to women and men and that’s against her traditional s) and what kind of sex I am allowed to have, where I go (must have my location), what I can dress in and what kind of food I can bring into the house, medications, etc. I’ve had it!!! I never matured past teens and four years ago it took almost going through Suicide and a week of hospitalization for me to turn my life around and see my mother as a bully and narc. I’m 28 and I told myself each summer I’m leaving the house. But now I’m going back to uni for my BS in Professional Studies after she told me to just focus on my publishing business. In my mind as an autistic woman and as she is a narc I knew she meant no. I’ve kept a tight ship for 3 years after my narc and co dependent father passed. He understood me too well and saw her for who she is. I can’t wait to make a graphic novel memoirs about my life once I have reached my goal of finishing my degree and getting a high paying job and moving out . I feel stronger and more empoweed. And I took self defense classes targeted at sexual abused women. So that helped me so much in standing in my courage. It also helps me to process my emotions in my body. The founder is Sylvia Smart and the group is called NAGA martial arts they have a podcast and RUclips channel.
I set boundaries this week for no longer allowing her to track my location, and increasing my hours. Very cold shoulder passive aggressive but I love the freedom. Soon I’ll have a new email and phone number for her to contact me only. Thank you Ms. Petra.
We need this message - to be aware what is going on and to learn how to retort. You are correct - without knowing what you said in this video I never knew that I am allowed to say simply: "I disagree with you" when someone was unreasonable and demanding. CBT is telling socially anxious people that their symptoms are delusional and that we must expose to other people to heal anxiety. I ended up being people pleaser and pushover - since I never been taught how to retort. So let's say you are very intelligent, highly sensitive person or indigo child - and this means you notice wrongdoings - you will suppress your natural reactions to keep peace and not to rock the boat. Then this will not solve toxic people who are abusive and are predatory - and CBT will explain to you that you are the sole problem because you are hallucinating toxic people. The message from narcissistic society we get is that we can only react in two ways: 1) fight response, explosions, drama or 2) being passive, people pleaser, fawning. There is alternative. When it comes to toxic people - they are problem. Our desire to help and to be busy and to work - is being used against us - and we are being exploited by toxic people. I would go to no contact and minimizing contact. I see our ability to handle toxic people - requires us to be without toxic shame inside us. Toxic shame is built on resentment and this will attract toxic people and we will be in what resist-persist energy. When we have toxic shame inside us - we do not have our Real Self inside. There is False Self. We can easily detect imposter inside by looking for when we are rigid. Health is being flexible. When we have False Self - we will feel anxiety, fears and inferiority complex - and this will prevent us from action. Also, with toxic shame inside us, we will repress parts of our persona and personality that we need to retort. Without these repressed parts being active and online and alive inside us - we will be unable to say who cares when someone is rude. When we have toxic shame - we seek approval and validation from external locus of control.
Thank you Petra, I really needed to hear this. I've been going through an emotional and mental rollercoaster this year, I'm attempting to level out now (If you will be available, I'm planning on/looking forward to, beginning our sessions again soon). Have a great day.
I have a rule in my home that no one takes off their shoes in my home. My husband doesn't like the pile of shoes at the door either but will not enforce my boundary. He is more worried about being liked by them than he cares about me. When our adult children come to visit and their now adult children all take off their shoes in spite of what I want, they know what I want but do not honor me. I really don't know what to do since the love of the grandchildren and the children is more important to my husband than the boundaries I am stuck with the mess around the door when they come to visit. This is indicative of how my husband treated me when the children were young, they learned not to respect me as children and they don't respect me now because of this lifetime of disrespect from my husband. Some people might say its a small matter but it isn't as much about the shoes, even though I hate that pile at the door, its about the disregard for me in my own home.
Thank you for this video. I am learning to set boundaries for the first time in my life. It's refreshing yet scary at the same time. Your video is helpful to me on my journey. Thank you 😊
Its my first time to watch your channel, wow this is amazing and informative. I am also working on myself as a recovering people pleaser. I decided to be courageous and just shift from me old former self. Thank you for holding space.
I am convinced I could set a boundary with my parents at gunpoint and they'd still instantly cross them. is there no other way than completely removing them from my life?
You could also limit your contact with them. Because a narcissist has no boundaries with their toxic behaviour, they will not respect other people's boundaries.
@@PetraVanDeijl yea I already kinda do that naturally. don't seem to matter hoe much time between talking to them. as soon as we talk they start telling me what I ought to do and im in a bad mood. I'm almost 40 and treated like I'm 10. that's all I ask is not to be told what to do. and thats all they do. I feel like I'm only unhappy when I talk to them. and I feel that has really effected my life. it's like a dark cloud. pulls me into negativity that they have. yea definitely limit. and no I don't think they will change. but I wish I could to not care. ya know. like something I could do to change since they can't or wont.
Hello Petra. I need help. There's this classmate that keeps on touching me even when I have already told her many times I dont want her to touch me! It is disgusting. I dont know what happens in her mind. I am disgusted. What can i possibly do? Thank you for reading me.
Hi Karen, I'm sorry you have experienced this. Just setting a boundary is not enough. You need to add a consequence when your boundary is violated. A consequence could be "If you continue to touch me, I will not interact/speak with you anymore". You must hold yourself to a higher standard by backing yourself up (following through on the consequence)
The most difficult boundary for me to maintain is my time. Toxic people tend to want to take up all of your time. Setting a limit on that ahead of time definitely has helped and being able to say no is a huge part of it!
Same with me. I cut off the person completely, bec I had a hard time accomodating that person with just a certain limit or minimal contact. I actually tried and voice out my need for space and time alone but the person kept on contacting me constantly.
It's YOUR time, so you get to call the shots!
This was an issue for me in the past and I'm so glad I've changed that. I feel so much better and have really been able to prioritize my personal needs.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist that might be a sociopath or psychopath as well. The whole relationship I questioned my self worth. He would lift me up just to stomp me down over & over again for 3 years. Everyone told me to get out & run away, but I couldn’t see why, I was in love with all the good we had that I honestly pushed all the bad aside to make him happy. But the truth was he was happy when he made me feel low. He was the happiest when he knew I had given him control it. The moment I stood up for myself was the moment it got physical. He made me out to be the “crazy” woman online & his friends would laugh at me for the things he did to me. I was embarrassed, ashamed & low. The whole thing was so stressful I landed myself in the hospital with a heart problem. Even then I didn’t see it for what it was. He was no where to be found as I would collapse on the floor from poor circulation. Even then “I was making up illnesses for attention not until a friend of mind introduced me to this hacker on INSTAGRAM tech_expert211 who helped me to access my husband's phone & gave me all the necessary informations I need so i can get a divorce,now I'm free from my narc husband
Absolutely!!! Toxic people have a nack for sucking us in and pulling us away from ourselves and we end up violating our own boundaries wanting not to get into an uncomfortable situation. We don’t like their discomfort and objection to our boundaries so we compromise and end up absorbing the discomfort within ourselves. I’m learning even if have to be abrupt and part from an energy sucker mid sentence it will feel uncomfortable and awkward but to not do this will result in a prolonged period of trying to find a way to extract ourselves because we want to be gracious. I give strong heads up in advanced now, “I won’t be available to talk tomorrow, I have to maintain my momentum otherwise my executive functioning will get derailed and I won’t get anything done etc and forewarn the toxic person I’m already half way out the door so don’t try to pull me back in and if you do just know my inertia is to keep doing what I’m doing so it’s nothing personal but I have to get things done and can’t waste precious time. Does this matter to them? No, but at least they know you’re not going to be available. I used to use the I have a really bad headache, or I’m not feeling well and don’t have energy to talk or hang out and make up things to get out of being sucked in but they need direct communication because they don’t read between the lines and nor do they care.
It's a never-ending ending battle to set boundaries with enmeshed family members.
Boundaries are worthless unless they're backed up by consequences. For example: "Please speak to me in a calm way. If you continue to speak to me in a harsh manner, I will end this conversation" When your boundaries are disrespected or violated, then you must push through with the consequences.
Very insightful, Petra. I'm dealing with a narcissist at work,and because I ignore her,it enrages her.
She has tried to cross my boundaries but I won't tolerate it from anyone.
Excellent Oscar! State, establish and maintain those boundaries!
Allergic to happiness! Well said ❤
I was in a relationship with a narcissist that might be a sociopath or psychopath as well. The whole relationship I questioned my self worth. He would lift me up just to stomp me down over & over again for 3 years. Everyone told me to get out & run away, but I couldn’t see why, I was in love with all the good we had that I honestly pushed all the bad aside to make him happy. But the truth was he was happy when he made me feel low. He was the happiest when he knew I had given him control it. The moment I stood up for myself was the moment it got physical. He made me out to be the “crazy” woman online & his friends would laugh at me for the things he did to me. I was embarrassed, ashamed & low. The whole thing was so stressful I landed myself in the hospital with a heart problem. Even then I didn’t see it for what it was. He was no where to be found as I would collapse on the floor from poor circulation. Even then “I was making up illnesses for attention not until a friend of mind introduced me to this hacker on INSTAGRAM tech_expert211 who helped me to access my husband's phone & gave me all the necessary informations I need so i can get a divorce,now I'm free from my narc husband
Since I learnt saying NO, I haven't been able to stop😍It's a magic word!
Yes! Isn't it absolutely fabulous!
Your videos have helped me so much, Petra! It's given me a lot to realise about my previous toxic relationship with my ex friend. She left me emotionally devastated when she told me that I'll never find anyone to love me, while making me repeat the words "I hate myself" in many of our supposedly "free therapy" calls. She ended up romantically confessing to my then crush, painted me in a bad light (by saying that I'm mentally unstable) to the point that me and the guy aren't friends anymore. It's been almost a year, and I still see her popping up occasionally on social media and within my circle of friends (I am still friends with some of her friends). It took me a long time to realise that I was in a friendship with a narcissist, and your videos made me realise it. She has no hope of making new female friends, and I hope she enjoyed spending the very last bits of my trust away, because I truly wish that she doesn't harm anyone else anymore. I'm working on myself now, and I dropped almost 20 pounds after leaving the friendship!!! Let's go!!
Hi sweet Leona, her "free therapy" was extremely toxic! Be proud and happy with your decision to leave this friendship! Continue working on yourself and take the time to answer the following questions for yourself. Who am I? and What do I want? This will help you to clear the filter that the narcissist put over your eyes and to regain self-love, self-trust and self-appreciation. Love and hugs x
❤UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHBOMB❤
I dont think our greatest fear with setting boundaries is about the impact is has on others, but on how others perceive US.
It is very challenging for our ego's to ve seen as bad or as bitchy or as mean. Our ego makes us believe it is about the other person, but in truth it is about ourselves.
Another important thing that i like to create more awareness on is avoid using phrases as "I CAN'T" or "I HAVE TO" and change them into I WON'T or I CHOOSE NOT TO.
First of all they are not true, because everything we do is a choice and second is that using those phrases makes you aware of the power of your free will choices. By using these last phrases you step into full responsibility for your choices and it is a great way to overcome the fear of being disliked.
Once again, I'm dealing with a narcissist who thinks she knows everything and does not respect boundaries, violating them all the time. She is my neighbor and she invited herself onto my porch yesterday and then proceeded to come unhinged over something I said, yelling at me, sticking her face in my screen door to yell at me more when I retreated into my house and she then ran off yelling she hopes I have a fatal disease. This morning, I didn't want to feel uncomfortable going outside around her and I felt the need to make nice and apologize for my part in her getting upset(?) As I type this, it sounds ridiculous...why should I apologize? She did not apologize in turn and told me she was not gonna walk on eggshells around me and that we need to talk about it instead of text. I don't want to talk about it. I want to have boundaries. That is what I'm working on in therapy. This woman has red flags all over her and is nosy, hyper-critical, over opinionated and has inserted herself into my life over the past month or two. I don't know why I liked her in the first place, now that I'm thinking about it. I did want a friend and I did find things I liked about her. But now that I think about it, there's plenty about her that I don't like. I'm trying to pay attention to this and get what I'm supposed to get out of it. It comes at a bad time as I just found out I have two more autoimmune diseases, which is what she yelled at me telling me "no, no no, you are making stuff up". I don't want to be around her anymore.
I love the calmness of your voice ❤️thank you so much for your support and insights ❤️ Always hitting the point. Good to see you again!!!
Wonderful to have spoken to you this past week. You are a true Warrior!
That was wonderful how you empowered your daughter's boundaries. I pulled back on a boundary I set with my narc mom thinking/hoping she might have changed. She didn't.. She reverted to type 🙄. So grateful I can find a Petra video to recalibrate! Thank you. P.S. Love the having fun with "no" advice!
Such a great point Petra. I wasn't taught as a child and didn't have a clue about boundaries. Now, thankfully for videos such as these, I now have and protect healthy boundaries. I am still learning but have come a long way.
I simply love your videos! You've helped me very much through healing from a toxic friendship.
My boundaries were so violated, I felt emotionally exhausted but finally I feel free. Keep up the good work. Congratulations from Greece
I'm struggling because we are in the same household currently. Every time I go into a certain area of the house here they come into that space as well. What is it with these individuals... I'm drained...
Thank-you for this.
I was dating a girl for a brief period who I believe has cPTSD.
She is in an abusive friendship with a Narc, and is a flying monkey.
Her behaviour almost completely changed when around her friends.
It is also sexually abusive.
Her friends are opinion bullies.
Typical distortions of truth, vague references to things with no elaboration when asked, and lots of moral grandstanding.
I asked for clarifications on things and tried to be open-minded, but it's clear they want submission and prostration; not dialogue.
The girl I was seeing made excuses for their behaviour and couldn't see it.
She was so open-minded and we had many honest discussions about different topics, which we agreed and disagreed on.
However, I believe I have been painted as the Narc.
She drew her boundary on not having anymore discussions with me.
She told me she wanted stop talking.
I asked why and if we could work on it.
She told me no, and said she didn't want to elaborate, nor that she felt she had to.
This could also have been because it was difficult to stifle our feelings for each-other.
I will not and did not push her.
She has drawn a boundary, but to what seems to be at the command of someone else.
I fully encouraged her to speak up and argue her corner.
At no point have I stifled her.
I fully encourage everyone to argue their point, but also consider other people's and reconsider when they may be wrong -- including myself.
Her friends have very radical politics, and I think they have manipulated the idea of boundaries, to shut down her open-mindedness and consideration of others.
She still engages politically with her Christian Conservative father, who may have also contributed to her issues due to neglect.
He also argues from a different position than me.
My views are based in empiricism, which may be more of a threat to the facade her friends maintain.
Outside of just the discussions, we had brilliant chemistry, similar goals, values, humour, wants, interests, hobbies, music, movies, etc.
It's very difficult having to let her go, but there is nothing I can do.
I still miss her, and I hope she figures out who she is, who cares about her and how to stand up for herself -- not adopting the views of other due to pressure, but because they are likely true.
that is sad lol. thats the feeling I always got from my parents. that they enjoy destroying joy.
This video / channel needs more views
Thank you 🤗
Honestly you explain things so clearly with effective ways of dealing with difficult people and there is no weird clickbait BS that other RUclipsrs/Practitioners have - your amazing (keep going; your gonna get bigger) ❤
My increased boundaries brought more abuse inevitably complete abandonment
Once awakened and aware this contributed to my healing not exactly their goal but no doubt a win for me....
Abandonment is horrible and is also inevitable with toxic people. Keep establishing and maintaining those boundaries dear RealLadi! You're on the right track, I stand with you!
@@PetraVanDeijl
It involves my adult children which took so long to let go in spite of especially when thier are 3 beautiful grandchildren but I had to wake up to learn my value in all my love loyalty and generosity. To honestly give it to myself which is something I didn't learn from childhood I only knew how to care for others
I appreciate your channel so much you have provided so many confirmations within my journey with such a calm energy that soothes the soul for me and all who are guided to your channel 😊 ❤️
Thanks your comment means the world to me...
Thank you Petra, you’re a natural at this. You have so much wisdom and the gift of counsel. You also have such a soothing and comforting voice. I have major sensory issues and some speakers while they have excellent content I have a hard time listening to them. Another example of a soothing speaker would be Dr. Ramani, I wish my mother had spoken to me the way you both do, she was always sooooo intense, dramatic, and spoke very fast. Again, Thank you 🙏
You're most welcome dear Christina. Love and blessings.
The paradox about being "allergic to happiness" (LOVE that!) is that many Narcissists I know are allergic to any REAL emotion; joy or grief. So they trot out superficial "think positive" or tell you to stop "acting childish" if you express real joy. Another aspect of their version of being positive is that it is tied into outward achievement. You can't just be happy for no reason--and they will be the wet blanket to dampen it! Whatever you're feeling, they want to dominate and control it. Happy? They'll fix that. Sad? They'll try to make you feel worse!
Something you said made me realize that their behaviour toward you is really not personal; even if it's a family member. When you stop engaging they will lose interest and find someone else to replace you. And it's not about the new person, either. Anyone who fits the role will do. It's kind of like being in a TV show and you think, "Meh. I don't want to be in a drama with crappy lines. I want my own show! And it's gonna be a comedy."
Always a JOY to see you, dear Petra!
Absolute truth spoken here!
Been working on my boundaries with my narc widowed mom, my co dependent college aged brother and going no contact with my narc golden / hero child college aged sister. Recently reconnected with both adult golden child to lost child younger brother and lost Child younger sister. I’m the oldest of 7 siblings. I used to be the hero golden child till I turned 18. Now I’m the lost - scapegoat child. currently, I work for my mom as her administrative assistant and I hate that she disrespects my time, gives me less work then my salary is suppose to be, and blames me for not knowing what work to do! It’s her company how would I know what to do?! I told her ‘I’m not going to sit like a child waiting for directions. Send me a list of my job duties asap. Looking forward to the email.’ She shut up so quick! I think your other video said to take inventory of what the narc has access to; my mother has all access to everything!! How to spend my money, to sexuality (I’m a woman attracted to women and men and that’s against her traditional s) and what kind of sex I am allowed to have, where I go (must have my location), what I can dress in and what kind of food I can bring into the house, medications, etc. I’ve had it!!! I never matured past teens and four years ago it took almost going through Suicide and a week of hospitalization for me to turn my life around and see my mother as a bully and narc. I’m 28 and I told myself each summer I’m leaving the house. But now I’m going back to uni for my BS in Professional Studies after she told me to just focus on my publishing business. In my mind as an autistic woman and as she is a narc I knew she meant no. I’ve kept a tight ship for 3 years after my narc and co dependent father passed. He understood me too well and saw her for who she is. I can’t wait to make a graphic novel memoirs about my life once I have reached my goal of finishing my degree and getting a high paying job and moving out .
I feel stronger and more empoweed. And I took self defense classes targeted at sexual abused women. So that helped me so much in standing in my courage. It also helps me to process my emotions in my body. The founder is Sylvia Smart and the group is called NAGA martial arts they have a podcast and RUclips channel.
I set boundaries this week for no longer allowing her to track my location, and increasing my hours. Very cold shoulder passive aggressive but I love the freedom. Soon I’ll have a new email and phone number for her to contact me only. Thank you Ms. Petra.
Petra terug goede vidio blij u nog eens te horen,dank voor zoveel hulp en steun in ons helingproces.❤
Heel graag gedaan Conny. Heb vooral vertrouwen in jezelf!
thanks so much Petra!
We need this message - to be aware what is going on and to learn how to retort.
You are correct -
without knowing what you said in this video I never knew that I am allowed to say simply:
"I disagree with you" when someone was unreasonable and demanding.
CBT is telling socially anxious people that their symptoms are delusional and that we must expose to other people to heal anxiety. I ended up being people pleaser and pushover - since I never been taught how to retort.
So let's say you are very intelligent, highly sensitive person or indigo child - and this means you notice wrongdoings - you will suppress your natural reactions to keep peace and not to rock the boat. Then this will not solve toxic people who are abusive and are predatory - and CBT will explain to you that you are the sole problem because you are hallucinating toxic people.
The message from narcissistic society we get is that we can only react in two ways:
1) fight response, explosions, drama
or
2) being passive, people pleaser, fawning.
There is alternative.
When it comes to toxic people - they are problem.
Our desire to help and to be busy and to work - is being used against us - and we are being exploited by toxic people.
I would go to no contact and minimizing contact.
I see our ability to handle toxic people - requires us to be without toxic shame inside us. Toxic shame is built on resentment and this will attract toxic people and we will be in what resist-persist energy.
When we have toxic shame inside us - we do not have our Real Self inside. There is False Self.
We can easily detect imposter inside by looking for when we are rigid. Health is being flexible.
When we have False Self - we will feel anxiety, fears and inferiority complex - and this will prevent us from action.
Also, with toxic shame inside us, we will repress parts of our persona and personality that we need to retort.
Without these repressed parts being active and online and alive inside us - we will be unable to say who cares when someone is rude.
When we have toxic shame - we seek approval and validation from external locus of control.
Simply stay in your own lane, driving your vehicle and keeping your eyes on the road before you. Wishing your love and courage x
Dear Petra! Thank you for your amazing Videos, You are Wonderful!
Thank you Petra, I really needed to hear this. I've been going through an emotional and mental rollercoaster this year, I'm attempting to level out now (If you will be available, I'm planning on/looking forward to, beginning our sessions again soon). Have a great day.
Thank you Petra. So calming and insightful as always!
Thank you AM!
Thank you for this information Petra!
You're welcome Ms. Shirley
Blessings to you always!
I have a rule in my home that no one takes off their shoes in my home. My husband doesn't like the pile of shoes at the door either but will not enforce my boundary. He is more worried about being liked by them than he cares about me. When our adult children come to visit and their now adult children all take off their shoes in spite of what I want, they know what I want but do not honor me. I really don't know what to do since the love of the grandchildren and the children is more important to my husband than the boundaries I am stuck with the mess around the door when they come to visit. This is indicative of how my husband treated me when the children were young, they learned not to respect me as children and they don't respect me now because of this lifetime of disrespect from my husband. Some people might say its a small matter but it isn't as much about the shoes, even though I hate that pile at the door, its about the disregard for me in my own home.
This was extremely helpful to me. Thank you!
You're most welcome 💜
Hi Petra, so happy to see yet another great video from you. Cheers from Eastern Canada!💛👍
Aaaw thank you Jen! Sunny greetings from The Netherlands
This is helpful, thank you so much. I really like the clarity you speak with.
Glad to be of help Oliviana!
Thank you for this video. I am learning to set boundaries for the first time in my life. It's refreshing yet scary at the same time. Your video is helpful to me on my journey. Thank you 😊
Wishing you continued courage and insight. You are your own person, abuse does not define you!
Dear Petra✨ YOU are GREAT and very appreciated !!!! THANK YOU for your Words. Best wishes. 🌛
Thank you so much beautiful soul x
you’re very insightful on this difficult topic. thank you ❤
You're most welcome ❤
Been watching you for three years....love your deliverance and transparency and knowledge
Thank you for taking the time to watch Lisa x
Petra you are beautiful. And you help us so much. It's a lifelong gift. Xx thank you. Be blessed.
Thank you so much 🙏 Blessings
Hi Petra
Good to see you. Your videos has helped me a lot. Thank you. You are beautiful.
Thank you so much beautiful Blessed Star.
Its my first time to watch your channel, wow this is amazing and informative. I am also working on myself as a recovering people pleaser. I decided to be courageous and just shift from me old former self. Thank you for holding space.
Oh wow, making the decision to change what no longer serves you is huge dear Rachel! Thank YOU for holding space for YOURSELF!
LOVE HEALTH PEACE NATURE MUSIC AND ARTS
Will doing those things in turn make the narcissist a better version of themselves?🤔
I am convinced I could set a boundary with my parents at gunpoint and they'd still instantly cross them. is there no other way than completely removing them from my life?
You could also limit your contact with them. Because a narcissist has no boundaries with their toxic behaviour, they will not respect other people's boundaries.
@@PetraVanDeijl yea I already kinda do that naturally. don't seem to matter hoe much time between talking to them. as soon as we talk they start telling me what I ought to do and im in a bad mood.
I'm almost 40 and treated like I'm 10. that's all I ask is not to be told what to do. and thats all they do.
I feel like I'm only unhappy when I talk to them. and I feel that has really effected my life. it's like a dark cloud. pulls me into negativity that they have.
yea definitely limit. and no I don't think they will change. but I wish I could to not care. ya know. like something I could do to change since they can't or wont.
I won't answer the phone PERIOD.
My neighbors won't let me set boundaries to my boyfriend.
Your neighbours need to stay out of your business!
Thank you for this lovely and very informative message. Especially to get in the mirror and not take things so seriously all the time. God bless you.🤍
Hello Petra. I need help.
There's this classmate that keeps on touching me even when I have already told her many times I dont want her to touch me!
It is disgusting. I dont know what happens in her mind.
I am disgusted. What can i possibly do? Thank you for reading me.
Hi Karen, I'm sorry you have experienced this. Just setting a boundary is not enough. You need to add a consequence when your boundary is violated. A consequence could be "If you continue to touch me, I will not interact/speak with you anymore". You must hold yourself to a higher standard by backing yourself up (following through on the consequence)
💕💕💕💕💕
Do you have an email we can send to you, I'm dealing with the same thing