How to Leverage a Separation (Avoid These Mistakes)
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- Опубликовано: 14 июл 2024
- The BIGGEST mistake couples make is thinking that time and distance alone will help gain clarity while separated. But it's what you DO with this time that makes ALL the difference to Create a New Marriage.
If you don't want your marriage to end but you are giving space right now, then it's critical to know how to leverage a separation, so that you don't unknowingly make things worse, or take advantage of the opportunity.
In this video I share with you the top mistakes most spouses make while separated, and how to leverage a separation to build a NEW foundation for a better marriage. If you do this right you will magnetize your spouse back into the relationship, better than before.
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Monika Hoyt, LICSW | Monika Hoyt helps couples and individuals whose marriages are on the brink transform their relationships from the inside-out. She focuses on changing limiting beliefs, building emotional connection, and getting on the same team for life.
This channel covers topics like how to trust in a relationship, how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder or emotional abuse in relationships, and how to prevent divorce.
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Website: monikahoyt.com
Facebook: / couplescure
👉 If your goal is to create a 100% authentic, healthy relationship, follow The Art of Healthy, Authentic Marriages group in Facebook -- / healthyauthenticmarriages .
This is a group is for individuals or couples in committed relationships who are struggling, or on the brink of splitting up, OR just seeking to raise the quality of their romantic relationship. This group is LGBT-friendly and welcomes diversity in religious, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds. Whatever you are struggling with in your relationship, this is a non-judgmental space.
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I've just come across your channel and a video on dealing with LARGE amounts of resentment would be so valuable to my marriage, my spouse and myself
Thank you for this video, Monica❤ Please make more of videos about separation and getting your spouse back.
One counselor told us it would take one month of HARD work for every year of conflict.
I knew both my wife and I were overwhelmed with resentment, though of course my focus was on mine. When she asked for separation, it was a wake up call...losing her and experiencing my 9 year old daughter's heartbreak was my bottom and I've been working to build myself into the man I want be. Like you said though, it has to be for you...the goal can't be winning your partner back, because then your changed aren't real or sincere. It has to 100% be a choice they make...to build something new with you.
Every word in this is spot on.
Thank you so much for this video! I feel like you just unscripted my soul’s answers! This helped me so much! And now I see all the mistakes I made.
I love your Wisdom , Thank You !
I’ve noticed with myself, when no one else steps up, i tend to step up with well someone has to go first. So i do eventually step up to change.
Excellent video Monika , Thank You !
Glad you liked it!
I love your wisdom Monika , thanks !
Thanks for watching!
I truly know how much I deeply love and adore my wife. She is all of my dreams in life. I’m so glad to have watched this to start my own journey in change for a strong hope of reconciliation and reconnection with her.
I understand the time in her life she is going through and hope she feels that I’m always available to be there for her when needed.
Any other advice for me at this time?
I have one…
You said YOU know how much you love and adore your wife. But does SHE know?
And I don’t mean that you’ve told her that you love her. But has she expressed ways that she would feel seen and heard and loved by you that you have not done? Do those things… You can feel all the love in the world for her, but if she doesn’t feel loved, it doesn’t really matter how much you know you love her. Relationship is a transference, a reciprocal mutual exchange. It is a communication where one thing is expressed and then that same one thing is received.
if she isn’t receiving that love you are feeling, then you need to change the way you’re doing things
This video is so important to me. I'm glad i found it. About to start a separation and was feeling lost. Thank you
Going through this now - it's true - I hated him and now that I have moved out (broken pattern), I am starting to think about things from another perspecitve
How are things going? Did you move back?
@@frankgeary7574 Hi. No, I haven't moved back and my every day life has become easier and drama free but if I am 100% honest, I still find myself thinking about the good times but when I feel that way, I have noticed it helps to pause for a moment and consider how life would be should I return to that life with him and then I feel okay again. It's a complex situation and I've decided to keep the communication open for my children's sake. (I don't want them to feel guilty for going no contact and cause bigger trauma's for them later in life - this way they can still keep the lines of communication open to say what they need to say later on) so we still go out as a family to eat a meal now and then and I put my trauma with him aside. He behaves very well and it's a lovely time and we take it for just that - a good day out. This way there's no nastiness and bitter divorce nonsense. We were together for 28 years - I think it's senseless to act like we were never close. I still miss him (on the good days - the 'good' him) but I need this peace now. Hope this helps someone and good luck to you if you're facing the same thing.
What has changed your feelings from hating him to your current perspective?
My wife has been gone for 2 months now, and though we talk and she cries and says she wants to not give throw away 20 years, I think she still sees me thru the lens of fear and hatred more than trusting and loving and committed......
@@freemanfornow264 I'll be honest - this is all God and I know that for sure! We were together for 28 years. I worshipped the ground he walked on and still love him dearly but somehow, through the tears of longing I cry daily, something keeps on reminding me that going back would be a disaster. I can't even shop for groceries without missing him being with but the bad days were too hurtful to relive and I keep remembering that. I do however find it quite distasteful when divorcees are bitter and horrible. We share two grown children and did have many wonderful moments amongst the turmoil and I think my empath nature feels bad that he was neglected as a child and then it manifested into a monster but I also know that I don't have to make that my story. My new life is peaceful and lonely and it's okay that those two things exist together until my heart heals. We now go out for a meal with the kids every week or so and still manage to get on as friends. I want my kids to still know him to avoid unresolved conversations later in life so I am trying to keep the family unit going without having to live with the monster - crazy but it's working for us through God's devine grace. I wish you the very best through this terrible time.
It is so hard to live in limbo, I am a “ducks in a row” kind of person. Our separation is a great opportunity for me to grow, but the emotions can be overwhelming this early on. How can I be strong and become the man that wins my wife back…
I like your therapy thank you very much it’s like you reading what I was going through. I will definitely fallow your advice the are powerful and sincere truthful thanks again
Great video
My husband left 9 months ago, he now want only to be travel partners. he says he will never live with me again
My ex when he initiated the breakup said it was too late for him. Then I found out about the infidelity so I divorced him. It was too late for me.
Do you have a link to the resentment spouse video ? ❤ thank you for all the helping content ❤
My wife asked for space after a horrible fight in August. I really didn’t know what to do in the beginning. It really wasn’t until mid September I kind of figured out what I need to do regarding letting go… I made some horrible mistakes from fear and anxiety. I’m trying though. I’m in therapy and really working on showing up differently, making the changes and being a better more accepting and kind person.
I am just finding these videos. Ralph, I gave the SAME EXACT scenario. 7 weeks if hell but in finally coming to terms with it all. I am in therapy and working on me. She is distant and cold. I’m wondering what your status is thus far? I hope you and your wife reconciled. 🙏🏼
@@jaraf10712 weeks of hell here. I'm just listening for guidance on things I can do better. But I'm not taking responsibility FOR A SINGLE thing I'm not responsible for. Period.
How are you all?
@jaraf107 I'm at that 7-8 week mark now and wish I had at least 6 of them to do over lol.....
I ain't giving up and i WILL get my bride of 20 years back if it's the last thing I ever do, but she won't get the same me back
@@adarshraghuram7728I feel that but I also knew that it ain't worth the pride and ego.....
Do you/I wanna be right or be married?
My wife had a problem with drinking..her mom took her to alcohol program she's been there a month and 2 weeks ,it is so painful now she don't answer or reach out back.. I text her to express how I feel . And ask what I needed to do to help . And I ll except and🎉 respect her decision. What should I do .
So hard having a separation in house with 2 kids, we have to interact a lot, and I can’t stop from engaging with her, even thou she wanted to end it, we still laugh , I touch her gently, we’ve been together 22 yrs, so Iam committed to making this work,
Did things work out positively? I am in a similar position as you were.
We Re in the same boat but we also own a business together and work together everyday! It's an impossible situation
Thank you so much for this
You're so welcome!
I have been married to my best friend for 22 years and have 6 kids and 7 grandchildren. about 4 months ago my wife told me she needs space and to try to find herself. She and my 15 yr old daughter moved into an apartment. We still text every few days and she says she misses me and loves me but I havent seen her since Easter. I do not want to lose her and she says she does not want a divorce she just feels like she is going through grieving and cannot find happiness. She is no happier at her apartment than she was at home. I think she is going through a midlife crisis because she has always been so happy. What can I do if anything?
Jeff the best thing to do is take excellent care of yourself and keep the door open to connection but also leave some space as well. It's a balance. Does she have help?
@@MonikaHoyt She don't think she needs help and if I bring it up she thinks I am saying she is crazy or something. It's very frustrating but I am laser focused on myself right now and trying to better everyday. Hopefully she snaps out of it before I am completely gone
What if he has someone else in his life. He returned back and wasn't ready to more back in with me.He returned for 10months n then said he didn't know what he wanted . Again after 10 yrs i found out he's been seeing someone else.He came back again in my life. I asked if he wanted a divorce he says he doesn't know what he wants. In these yrs im working on myself n doing me. No communication again. Married now for 7yrs.Seperated for 3 yrs now.We were together for a total of 10yrs. Im leaving him alone . I left it in God's hands. Im doing my best n just got my bachelor degree in Psychology.
Wow
Don't wait too long. Everyday you wait that alimony gets more expensive. My wife took all her stuff back to Colombia. We've only been married a year and a month , but I'm 56 and I don't have time for bullshit even though it was my fault....like getting mad a lot because of finances. Regardless , I still have a right to improve myself for the next person. I'll give it Sept and bye bye. I suffered enough in my life.
My husband is an alcoholic and very verbally abused been going on for over 30 years how do move forward
We are separated now
My husband asked for space and then filed for divorce we only have 3 months until court but I'm trying
I've seen couples file and then rip up the papers. Keep the faith!
How can I show any type of change if my wife always cancels plans to meet me at last minute? she just won't see me. We've been together 20 yrs. and It's been 15 months now since she left. I've given space and not pressured her at all but the anxiety is taking a toll on my well being. How long do I wait/ How long is too long to salvage marriage? I 'm probably fooling myself thinking there is any chance to turn things around,. She said at the beginning there is no chance and she was going to file for divorce but hasn't yet. i'm totally confused.
I am in the same place my friend - it's aweful missing my wife and the kids
Marriage just totally sucks!!!