For anyone who might find my experience useful: I’m a life time of users, pretending to be friends, with a few exceptions, being a desperate people pleaser, an empath, but with a verbal/auditory disability. I don’t want a big circle, I never had one, don’t like crowds, I become entirely non verbal in noisy environments, but the few true friends have all passed away. I’m 67., but with an emotional age of 30-40, because I’m simply un-socialized. The verbal/auditory part is why, & I’m always far too busy deciphering meaning to hear the other clues, like subtle insults, innuendo, or even see them, Ie body language, though visual is my strongest sense. If I’m not speaking, I see the visual clues, I even hear the audio ones, but once I get in a conversation it all goes away, and I offer too much of myself. Add age, Covid, an increasingly volatile dangerous world, with increasingly volatile people. Home is safe, but beyond that, I don’t want to risk anyone impeding or affecting my home sense of security any further. The last “friend” was the worst choice ever, and fool that I am, just knowing him for 5 plus years was not a proper vett, he’s now a renter, of a back dwelling, a particularly malignant narcissist, who I Grey rock, we haven’t spoken in 2 years, text is the only way i communicate with him, the other is a dark empath, who is very good at pretending to care, the last is a disabled person, because I am a natural care giver, but she is demanding and abusive, at least I’m learning, and practicing with her that boundaries are enforced daily. She needs me more than I need her, so it’s an opportunity to practice. But despite your useful advice here, the risk seems to outweigh the possible reward. An autistic group (I’m also on the spectrum) is a faint hope, so far I haven’t followed through….
I find that I'm able to establish a surface level relationship but I struggle with making the relationship more personal. I feel like some over sharing results from me wanting the other person to be able to do the same.
Smalltalk is no problem, neither is meeting new people. My problem is that I find it hard to maintain the level of interaction needed to build and keep a friendship. My friends are therefore almost entirely ADD themselves, since for them long pauses in interaction are not a problem. However, that also means that I am often alone, since we are all not good at getting and keeping in touch. Any suggestions to get better at keeping up regularly?
For real. I always remind myself this when I'm feeling bad for literally forgetting a friend exists for months. They could have texted or called me at any point as well. It doesn't make me bitter, just puts it into perspective so I don't beat myself up so much and stop thinking they must be mad at me.
I find that I'm able to establish a surface level relationship but I struggle with making the relationship more personal. I feel like some over sharing results from me wanting the other person to be able to do the same.
Such a great presentation and series of questions!
Self reflection? I just don’t exist in the moment, sometimes ahead, but almost always behind/after only then do I realize what actually just happened.
For anyone who might find my experience useful: I’m a life time of users, pretending to be friends, with a few exceptions, being a desperate people pleaser, an empath, but with a verbal/auditory disability. I don’t want a big circle, I never had one, don’t like crowds, I become entirely non verbal in noisy environments, but the few true friends have all passed away. I’m 67., but with an emotional age of 30-40, because I’m simply un-socialized. The verbal/auditory part is why, & I’m always far too busy deciphering meaning to hear the other clues, like subtle insults, innuendo, or even see them, Ie body language, though visual is my strongest sense. If I’m not speaking, I see the visual clues, I even hear the audio ones, but once I get in a conversation it all goes away, and I offer too much of myself.
Add age, Covid, an increasingly volatile dangerous world, with increasingly volatile people. Home is safe, but beyond that, I don’t want to risk anyone impeding or affecting my home sense of security any further.
The last “friend” was the worst choice ever, and fool that I am, just knowing him for 5 plus years was not a proper vett, he’s now a renter, of a back dwelling, a particularly malignant narcissist, who I Grey rock, we haven’t spoken in 2 years, text is the only way i communicate with him, the other is a dark empath,
who is very good at pretending to care, the last is a disabled person, because I am a natural care giver, but she is demanding and abusive, at least I’m learning, and practicing with her that boundaries are enforced daily. She needs me more than I need her, so it’s an opportunity to practice. But despite your useful advice here, the risk seems to outweigh the possible reward. An autistic group (I’m also on the spectrum) is a faint hope, so far I haven’t followed through….
Most of these strategies require self reflection in the moment, that’s what I simply don’t have, have never learned, and may not be capable of.
I find that I'm able to establish a surface level relationship but I struggle with making the relationship more personal. I feel like some over sharing results from me wanting the other person to be able to do the same.
Smalltalk is no problem, neither is meeting new people. My problem is that I find it hard to maintain the level of interaction needed to build and keep a friendship. My friends are therefore almost entirely ADD themselves, since for them long pauses in interaction are not a problem. However, that also means that I am often alone, since we are all not good at getting and keeping in touch. Any suggestions to get better at keeping up regularly?
What if you are the one being accused of being toxic because of anger and impulsivity? :'(
Gotta work on curbing both of those. Sorry, no other answer.
They could reach out too...
ha. ha. ha. you can wait a very long time...
For real. I always remind myself this when I'm feeling bad for literally forgetting a friend exists for months. They could have texted or called me at any point as well. It doesn't make me bitter, just puts it into perspective so I don't beat myself up so much and stop thinking they must be mad at me.
I find that I'm able to establish a surface level relationship but I struggle with making the relationship more personal. I feel like some over sharing results from me wanting the other person to be able to do the same.
I think the second phase is much more difficult than getting over the line and starting things off