No joke, I literally just thought to myself "why can I only criticize myself, and not praise myself for things I'm doing well" and this video popped up. Perfect timing!
You were able to say "Emma, you are worthy of love" without choking up and fighting off tears. I'm doing that just THINKING about putting my name in there.
All real and close relationships get a little bit messy. Don't berate yourself everytime you mess up. Treat yourself as you would treat another person, with compassion.
I tell myself this often. I would never speak to a friend, or even a stranger, the way I speak to myself. Negative self talk is truly destructive. I'm nearly 60, have done lots of therapy, and I'm still working on this.
A big part of loving yourself is accepting your flaws. It’s very easy to beat yourself up when things go wrong.. but to learn from your mistakes & keep moving on, that takes COURAGE & I believe everyone is capable of this.
Can you do one on how to cope when people hurt us or anger us please? It's hard not to ruminate over it and obsess. That would be so helpful. Thanks for all this great content.😊
I guess this would be related to control. We can't control what happens. All we can control is our reaction to it. I know that's pretty cliched. I guess Emma would probably suggest creating mental space, naming our emotion, questioning it, and looking for secondary emotions that are influencing our response. We might have expectations of others that are unreasonable, or we are making presumptions that we haven't communicated. In other words perhaps the boundaries are/were unclear for that other person, and we just presumed they know how we really feel. Perhaps they are going through something they haven't told us. And think about our values and what kind of relationships we want to have and how we can work towards that. And then write things down, rather than just talking to ourselves in our head. I don't know if that makes sense, it's just my suggestion based on the advice I've seen on this channel, as I've interpreted it. There are videos on rumination and emotions response, but maybe that's not exactly what you're asking.
@@Ruylopez778 That's is exactly what Emma will suggest. Coping is not a long lasting alternative. Going thru the process of managing emotions bring alternatives that will help us understand and create an emotional muscle to feel and act better. Hope you find this helpful.
You should know why you were hurt. I mean, what part or parts of you were hurt, since there could be a few causes not just one. For example, you lost your job and ruminating on this, you feel angry, you feel as a looser or fool, etc. Maybe somebody lied about you to superiors (which may be true), or you didn't worked hard enough (could be true) or maybe you had a bad luck (it happens too). No matter what cause on the outside - you should look inside and think what caused this huge pain. Is it greed, ambition, self-esteem? And be honest with yourself as much as possible. The less honest you are, more and for longer you will suffer. In fact, some people are so badly hurt they remembers and ruminates about certain things for decades for false reasons they think are true. And here is a problem. Many people who suffers from lost job will not tell it's their ambitions, greed, love for coasting and easy life were hurt. No, they will blame economic crisis, war, inflation, politicians, co-workers, managers, UFO - if there are a small chance of blaming something other than themselves they will take it. Even if person understands reason of his suffering lies inside he likely will not be able to correctly identify it. People usually suffers from reasons they don't like about themselves and tries, consciously or not, not name them. Then there is a big task - even if reason is clear, what person can do? This task sometimes could be so huge person tends to ruminate instead of dealing with it. And in some cases they hardly have a choice. For example, there was a young driver who killed his girlfriend by hitting a truck on a roadside. It was likely not his fault 100% since a truck was left blocking part of a road. Young driver took his own life two days later, likely cos he couldn't bear his guilt, not because feared a prison time and repays to victim's family. Back to a question. Of course, taking anti-depressants and forgetting are ways let you cope with but not fix a problem. The true thing which helps is changing yourself and, as have mentioned, for many people this task seems to be insurmountable. That's why certain people chooses gambling and theft instead of a job to make money. And ruminating is much easier thing to do instead of changing your personality. Also, everyone can ruminate alone. To change personality you need others and, as a rule, obsessive people are not social at all. Likely the easiest way is compacting your personality. Choose only 2-3 persons, 2-3 interests and 2-3 goals in your life. Let those persons be simple (typically younger family members), interests not anything special (such as knowing a lot about The Moon) and goals not too hard to achieve (such as growing your own strawberries for the first time). Remove everything else. Keep a good relationship with these persons, become an expert in these interest fields, achieve these goals. Once you have finished start expanding your relationships, interests and goals. By that time you exactly will know what is important to you, what do you want to do with yourself, what you can do for others and others can do for you. You will know what exactly you expect from new relationships, what tasks you can take and is any new goal achievable. In severe situation it may take two years to recover. Obsessive thoughts may still be there though. You laugh at when they resurface. This approach also works when you doesn't know what caused rumination. If you think you know a cause - simply do an opposite thing. If you suffer of a greed - do a six month unpaid job for local communities. If you have overly narcissistic feelings about yourself - find a small, fat girl with glasses and spend your free time with her for six months. But, as I have mentioned, knowing a real cause is unlikely. Searching for it is like digging into rabbit's hole, you may find things you don't like and never wanted to know in a first place.
As children we can’t rationalize so we have to come up with an explanation for why we feel unloved or unwanted. The two most common “survival explanations” are blame and shame. Blame...(there is something very wrong with everyone else) Shame (there’s something very wrong with me) We repeat this explanation over and over so many times, it becomes a conditioned response whenever anything goes wrong. Solution.....1) journal every evening what shame feelings popped up over the day. 2)begin to challenge those thoughts. You will feel a difference after only a couple of weeks!
I'm literally going through this right now. I can't snap myself out of the negative loop. Part of me wants to ask for help. Part of me wants to push away anyone who would actually care or pretend to care about me. I'm not worth anyone's time or effort.
Hey, I'm just a stranger, but you were worth my time and effort to make sure to send you a message while I was scrolling through the comments. People care about you, even when from your point of view there isn't any reason to. I promise. Don't believe me? Prove it and ask them.
You are so awesome. I cried just hearing you talk so warmly and compassionately to yourself. I’ve always been extremely hard on myself (while being much more compassionate toward other people), but recently I started incorporating positive self-talk into my meditation practice. Before I meditate, I hug myself for probably about 30 seconds and speak to myself just like a loving mother would, reassuring myself that I’m a good person and I’m doing the best I can. I actually say the words out loud. It sounds like a weird thing to do, but it actually does make me feel loved. I feel like that positive voice is finally starting to get ingrained in my mind.
You are one main reason why I still able to cope bc of your free videos. I always wanted to go in therapy but I cannot afford it. Sometimes I just cry, I'm over feeling that way again and again. Thank you for making these videos and making mental health, free and accessible
This was from heaven. I just lost my temper yesterday and was literally yelling at my spouse because he wouldnt listen to me and repaired the wrong thing and made our living situation stressful and worse. Prayer works. My pastor prayed and the landlord finally sent a plummer to access our situation. No water for two days no normal toliet accessability no way to shower etc./ I was at the breaking point and just kept yelling. Your wonderful advice is just what I need to hear, thank you.
Many call other's losers, it artificially raises there ego's. In growing narcissism, even a kindergarten teacher can spot the red flags. Our spleen is the organ of compassion. Have it for self first, just like love, you can't give from an empty cup. No one is perfect.
Growing up with parents who expected their kids to be “the star”, I find myself still beating myself up despite having achieved much in my career. And they still don’t stop expecting I would get married and give them grandkids. At times I just feel like it’s so difficult feeling happy. This talk is really a breath of fresh air which I’m trying to get in order to feel whole again. Thank you
This type of thing even leads me to self injury (physically beating myself) and even telling myself that I should be dead. This is a major struggle for me. Glad I watched this video.
Wow, small revelation. I beat the crap out of myself every day. My own worst enemy for what I don't think I'm good enough for or never will be. Now I need to start writing :) Thank you so much for this. This will do until I start Tae Kwon Do :) And maybe continue then :)
This is really helpful! At the beginning of this year, I wrote two letters to myself. One was to 2022 me and one was to 2024 me. The letter to my past self was to let go of some things and the letter to my future self was to encourage and to think about what I can do now that would make my future self feel secure.
Dear Emma, i live in turkey where has been impacted by huge earthquakes currently, I live far from that area but as a nation it is traumatic for us right now, I would like to learn more about handling these negative feelings on such bigger issues, thanx for what you have done here 🙏
That is very correct. I live in Boston and I am tired of hearing about all the bad news. Whether it is in this state, country or everywhere else in the world!
Yelling at my kids is the thing I beat myself up for the most, and it's usually the result of me being stressed/tired/running out of time, it happened yesterday after doing the grocery shopping, and I struggled to get to sleep for and hour and a half after weeks of being able to fall asleep well. But today is another day, and I'm going to try better, because that's what we all deserve. Thanks for your example, it's nice to know I'm not alone!
People who are suffering from postpartum depression need to see this video. I felt like a terrible mother and CPS was going to kick my door down and take my new baby because I told myself that I didn't deserve him. I would never say those things to another woman.
It is absolutely ridiculously hard to raise kids. Ours are grown now. To quote Richard Harris in the Gladiator, “your faults as a son are my failures as a father.” Thank you for what you do.
I just started a new job and the imposter syndrome is unreal. Watching this on my lunchbreak and hoping to not be crying when my colleagues come back in a few minutes.
I’m terrified of becoming or being seen as self-centered, so I focus on being perfect and overly kind towards others and neglect myself to maintain forced humbleness.
Ya know, I'm just gonna say this off the top of my heart~ To not know Emma anymore than any other stranger, she sure seems like an incredible friend, maybe even the kind I need more than I want at times, if that makes sense. It does to me. i think it does to a lot of you out there too. I can never say thank you enough for this video. 😎👍
I'm in immigration and I have to deal with so many things at the same time, but the worst thing is that no matter how much I do, it still feels like I don't do enough. There's so much unnecessary gatekeeping in this new country, so a lot of time gets wasted just to do one step forward. I beat myself up for wasting money and not working, even though there's no way to physically put work into my schedule. Your videos, especially this one, help me relieve stress and look realistically at what is going on. Thank you so much! In the end of the day, I'm doing something that no one I know has done and I believe it's gonna lead me and my family to a better future
I moved countries 23 years ago and was pregnant with my first child. Had no money , home, car and 2 weeks grace to stay with a friend while getting this all sorted. Raised 3 kids working full time from the time they were tiny babies, bought a small home, fought and struggled and pushed our way through. You will succeed if you keep at it. All the best
Letter to you: dearest Emma, we love you for being the best version you can be right now. We love your vulnerability and your help to yourself that you kindly extend to us all. Forgiving ourselves helps us to give ourselves the opportunity to heal and do better next time. We love you, Emma, for getting back on your feet each time, and for bringing us along. We love you. Emma. Love from Marja Merryflower
My therapist always taught me to think of others and not myself as to avoid narcissistic tendencies. To remind myself that the self isn’t as important as the group.
Thank you! My wife has been working really hard being a stay at home mom for our first child, and she is constantly being too hard on herself. Hopefully this can help her as well.
It is possible to un-learn how to beat yourself up and I personally did this by instead learning how to recognise when I am doing this, then to take a more objective approach by understanding that the beating yourself up response is learned by having had heavy criticism as a child. You then need to ask the question why you're criticising yourself, what it is you did wrong, what you can do to rectify the situation or prevent it from recurring and learning that once you've thought about this for a short while that it can be put to bed - actions may have been identified which need to be followed through but other than that this episode is over!
This is really true. I try this when I make mistakes, my therapist taught it to me. And it really does ease the self judgement and helps me make better choices going forward.
Thank You! Dr. Emma. You are a blessing and a breath of a fresh start. It's difficult to release past trauma's of fear, blame, guilt and shame of ourselves first then others. 💚 Thank You again for these videos they're very helpful.
I gotta commend you! I have been to so many therapists and so much self help stuff but YOU are the best therapist I've never paid for!! Thank you for being such a great actual person! Your info means so much to me and I send you to everyone I know!!! 💗
I left a cult. Was a Christian from pre-teens through my 20's. The Bible beats into your head that you're a wretch that deserves hell. Yes, it says God forgives you, but it's sets you up to take on all the responsibility you can and let's you know that you are the cause of your failures. My personality is one of constant rumination and even though I'm not a Christian anymore I still have a massive habit of self criticism and neglecting my own needs to help others. I feel guilty for even taking a few hours for myself.
I feel you. I’ve been an atheist since 2016 and I haven’t been perfect or without self-hating and self-harm by any means, but I’ve definitely been happier and I’ve had a happier and healthier outlook since then. 😊❤
@@beverlykotobalavu7192yet he keeps track of all your sins and says once he throw yous into hell that he never knew you even tho he did. That makes no sense.
Thanks Emma. I just started randomly crying. I did my best in my last relationship. I'm lovable and a good kind person who deserves someone to share a same roadmap with. Your messages and advice truly remind me to let go and securely move towards a happy future. Big hugs. Billie x
Being a mother and trying to model a healthy and positive person for my daughters to look up to just leads me to pretend than I’m ok and put my emotions away.
I've heard the saying about learning to be your own best friend and didn't understand it till now. That was cute Emma writing her letter. You are doing good. Thanks for this video. 🙂
This video was amazing timing not only do I struggle with this but my best friend/ roommate also does. Most of our conflict comes from one person doing something super insignificant than getting caught in the self criticism cycle and completely shutting down and getting self destructive.
Ok, for the last 2 years I have been in basic panic mode 24/7 to the point I have locked my back up. MRI shows no major issue. I just connected the dots that this is psychosomatic. Long story short, I had to say put my dog down 2 months ago. My entire day/life revolved around taking care of him (diabetic, went blind). As an anxious person I just became in more and more pain, in a literal constant panic I would lose him. Well, thats exactly what happened. I'm stuck in grief and panic. I dont know how to tell my brain/body it can relax now. Please help.
I tried to do this as lately I've been struck with this overwhelming feeling that everyone I know hates me, but when I try to think of a specific situation to write a letter about, I can't actually think of any evidence for why people hate me. I just believe it. Even though I know there's no solid evidence, I can't shake that thought.
Emma you are so awesome and such a blessing to so many people! I needed to see this today I love you honesty especially about not pooping alone for a week and pretending the back of our hospital gowns aren't open. Lol Keep pressing forward and doing what you do. You are loved and appreciated. I have ptsd and have been dysregulated and triggered for the past 3 days you video was the first time I smiled in a while
Oh my! I was just having a conversation with my friend and mum of 3 and being so much more compassionate than i am to myself. At least i acknowledged that in my conversation. You're getting me there. ;) Sometimes my friends literally ping my own texts back to me when I'm hard on myself. Genius!
It’s great how authentic you are, your videos are really starting to help me heal myself. Thank you for providing something that otherwise could not be afforded❤
The weird thing I notice is that when a period of time goes by that I struggled in, I feel like when I’m in the next moment that time that went by wasn’t anything compared to now. And I “miss” that time in the past. Like I can forget all the struggles from it when I’m in the next struggle. A weird yearning for a made up nostalgic experience.
Some good points. Thank you, I needed that. I've become absolutely vicious with myself and often scream at myself when alone, but then I try to be Mr. Rogers with everyone else.
This has helped me so much! 2 Years my mom develop primary lateral sclerosis and I'm her primary caretaker along with my dad. While still trying to maintain a job as social life and of course take care of my mental. I realize how much on my plate I have and it's okay but sometimes I can't do it all. Thank you ❤️
Emma -- I can honestly say that your videos have done more to help me with my mental health struggles and self growth than years of therapy with many different therapists have. Your videos are so informative, easy to understand, and always have practical actions to actually integrate the changes a person wants to make. Thank you so much for your videos, you are changing so many people's lives.
Dear Emma :) thank for all your supportive videos! You mentioned imposter syndrome in this video, could you talk more about handling imposter syndrome in future videos? Lots of love from Germany.
I started crying watching this video because I realized how how much I do this and how hard, it’s so hard to change this way of thinking, especially after 60 years
I love the letter you wrote to the mystery person! Thank you for showing us such a great tool! Also, I'm moved by you and your shirt designer friend's cool effort to help teenagers gain access to therapy. Thank you for making the world a better place in so many ways.
That was So Helpful Emma! Thankyou! And thankyou so much for making the time to share with us amidst the very beautifully full life you have right now as mum 💐💐💐💐💐💐🌻🌻🌻🌻🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
It’s Very difficult to extend mercy to myself. My husband has made me do just about what you did in video many times. But I am very compassionate to others. I have had hated myself off and on since I was about 7-8.
stuck in an emotionally abusive home,( stuck means impossible to leave) low self-esteem and chronic stress is a reality that no amount of self-compassion can fix. when friends have abandoned you and others call me useless and unlovable and idiot all day long for 3 years now( currently stuck here with cancer ,dealing with healing) and not beating myself up doesnt help in this condition. i'm terrified to return to my work( show buiz) as any tiny bit of rejection now will push me to the edge. and no, therapy doesnt work, cos therapists in my country are indifferent.
I LOVE THIS!!! this video should get like milion views!! THANK YOU! Most of all for being true and honest. You're a role model! May this help the vastest amount of people 🙏♥️
Just wanted to say thank you so much for this letter idea, I sat down tonight and wrote out a letter as recommended and it really truly helped... Thanks so much for your content and the compassion that you bring to the table for all of us....
I have been beating myself up for two days about an honest mistake. A person kindly asked me not to do something but I was so embarrassed that I did it in the first place. But this video actually made me feel better. 💚 Thank you!
A little stunned. Dont know what to say. But Emma these videos are great. I really connect with and appreciate your delivery, which feels impossible to find elsewhere. Again this topic resonated with me. I’ve been very (more than usual) introspective since a traumatic event in life (and it can get exhausting). And does seem like a floodgate of topics apply to me, which I’ve mostly always known, just not got round to hitting them head on. I think being understood helps. These videos are a little nod to that. Thanks.
This was wonderful, and I want to draw a parallel between the self-exception bias and the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy; when looking at a topic, people have a tendency to overestimate the hits and ignore the misses (one of the factors that makes psychics such a wonderful con -- when people are focused on what the 'psychic' is getting right, they tend to ignore all the things they're getting wrong, or how broad their proclamations really are). It seems to be exactly the same mechanism as the self-exception bias -- when we're too focused on what we've done wrong, it skews our perception because even if we're correct about all the things we've screwed up, our sum-total that includes all the things we've done right is miscalibrated.
Emma. You are so cute. Yes! Parenting is hard! And I know you know this, but the teen years are the worst lol. But with grown adult kids I miss those young years. I'm sure your kids know you love them and that's the important thing. And thank you for all your content.
I made a mistake at work not too long ago and I couldn't stop calling myself names and beating myself up for it. Every single thing I did made me second guess myself or made me think that I was too stupid for anything. Trying to tell myself that it was just a small mistake and that I'm not any of the things I've said has been difficult and I've always struggled with self-esteem issues. Thank you for this video, when I sat down to write this letter to a "friend" I finally felt some closure, at least for this particular issue. I hope I can eventually learn not to be my own bully.
Wow, that's why I am glad I found your videos! You are amazing at explaining things like this. I am an HSP. Very difficult to understand for most people around I think.
This woman is an angel from heaven. Her anxiety videos have bailed me out of many panic attacks. God Bless you for the work that you do, anyway for a one time donation @Therapy in a Nutshell?
I get soooo much from your videos. I’m bipolar and though I’m medicated and most of the time I’m ok, I can have terrible crashes. Your videos have helped me so so much in many areas and have been responsible for me having a lot less serious crashes. Thank you 🙏
Just by repeating the sentence, “life is hard” “life is hard” “life is hard”, “most things are tiresome, boring, difficult, etc.)”, even the kids situation; that’s a hellish nightmare, disgusting, disturbing, irritating, boring, uninteresting state!!! Every word triggers more depression, anxiety, overwhelm, helplessness. Being outsider here, i don’t have a job i’m engineer with no job at all! Confused about the dilemma of two choices, and fear of regret and pain! Like marriage or no marriage, bringing child or not! Everything is stressful and scary!!! I just want a modest peaceful here and no, not getting attached and connected to million things, not to care often!! I am in a treatment course, regardless the details, but it seems most fuckin’ things are just terrifying and stressful and sad
Thank you so much for this video. Exactly this topic is what I'm currently working on improving about myself. I'm taking a course about it, lessons every Monday. It's also what I'm discussing with my so called contact person (directly translated from my language) which a kind of therapist/supporter/friend that is given to people who need it.
No joke, I literally just thought to myself "why can I only criticize myself, and not praise myself for things I'm doing well" and this video popped up. Perfect timing!
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looool! serendipity :D
lol same. figured out that it’s because i was never given praise, positive affirmations, and love as a child from my parents 🙃
@@taariqq stay strong 💪
0 ok 9
You were able to say "Emma, you are worthy of love" without choking up and fighting off tears. I'm doing that just THINKING about putting my name in there.
Probably doing it over and over everytime something goes wrong makes it easier
That’s how I feel too. No way could I say that without bawling.
Whenever I feel down and scared I search your videos to help me cope up with what Im feeling and your videos really helped me a lot.
I do too! Emma's videos are so helpful and Uplifting! So glad for her videos!! 😊
All real and close relationships get a little bit messy. Don't berate yourself everytime you mess up. Treat yourself as you would treat another person, with compassion.
I tell myself this often. I would never speak to a friend, or even a stranger, the way I speak to myself. Negative self talk is truly destructive. I'm nearly 60, have done lots of therapy, and I'm still working on this.
One sentence
You are an amazing therapist.
My paid therapist never told me this.
A big part of loving yourself is accepting your flaws. It’s very easy to beat yourself up when things go wrong.. but to learn from your mistakes & keep moving on, that takes COURAGE & I believe everyone is capable of this.
Can you do one on how to cope when people hurt us or anger us please? It's hard not to ruminate over it and obsess. That would be so helpful. Thanks for all this great content.😊
I guess this would be related to control. We can't control what happens. All we can control is our reaction to it. I know that's pretty cliched. I guess Emma would probably suggest creating mental space, naming our emotion, questioning it, and looking for secondary emotions that are influencing our response. We might have expectations of others that are unreasonable, or we are making presumptions that we haven't communicated. In other words perhaps the boundaries are/were unclear for that other person, and we just presumed they know how we really feel. Perhaps they are going through something they haven't told us. And think about our values and what kind of relationships we want to have and how we can work towards that. And then write things down, rather than just talking to ourselves in our head. I don't know if that makes sense, it's just my suggestion based on the advice I've seen on this channel, as I've interpreted it. There are videos on rumination and emotions response, but maybe that's not exactly what you're asking.
@@Ruylopez778 That's is exactly what Emma will suggest. Coping is not a long lasting alternative. Going thru the process of managing emotions bring alternatives that will help us understand and create an emotional muscle to feel and act better. Hope you find this helpful.
Love this idea. I fight the rumination trap like non other and she always has the best info!
You should know why you were hurt. I mean, what part or parts of you were hurt, since there could be a few causes not just one. For example, you lost your job and ruminating on this, you feel angry, you feel as a looser or fool, etc. Maybe somebody lied about you to superiors (which may be true), or you didn't worked hard enough (could be true) or maybe you had a bad luck (it happens too). No matter what cause on the outside - you should look inside and think what caused this huge pain. Is it greed, ambition, self-esteem? And be honest with yourself as much as possible. The less honest you are, more and for longer you will suffer. In fact, some people are so badly hurt they remembers and ruminates about certain things for decades for false reasons they think are true. And here is a problem. Many people who suffers from lost job will not tell it's their ambitions, greed, love for coasting and easy life were hurt. No, they will blame economic crisis, war, inflation, politicians, co-workers, managers, UFO - if there are a small chance of blaming something other than themselves they will take it. Even if person understands reason of his suffering lies inside he likely will not be able to correctly identify it. People usually suffers from reasons they don't like about themselves and tries, consciously or not, not name them. Then there is a big task - even if reason is clear, what person can do? This task sometimes could be so huge person tends to ruminate instead of dealing with it. And in some cases they hardly have a choice. For example, there was a young driver who killed his girlfriend by hitting a truck on a roadside. It was likely not his fault 100% since a truck was left blocking part of a road. Young driver took his own life two days later, likely cos he couldn't bear his guilt, not because feared a prison time and repays to victim's family.
Back to a question. Of course, taking anti-depressants and forgetting are ways let you cope with but not fix a problem. The true thing which helps is changing yourself and, as have mentioned, for many people this task seems to be insurmountable. That's why certain people chooses gambling and theft instead of a job to make money. And ruminating is much easier thing to do instead of changing your personality. Also, everyone can ruminate alone. To change personality you need others and, as a rule, obsessive people are not social at all. Likely the easiest way is compacting your personality. Choose only 2-3 persons, 2-3 interests and 2-3 goals in your life. Let those persons be simple (typically younger family members), interests not anything special (such as knowing a lot about The Moon) and goals not too hard to achieve (such as growing your own strawberries for the first time). Remove everything else. Keep a good relationship with these persons, become an expert in these interest fields, achieve these goals. Once you have finished start expanding your relationships, interests and goals. By that time you exactly will know what is important to you, what do you want to do with yourself, what you can do for others and others can do for you. You will know what exactly you expect from new relationships, what tasks you can take and is any new goal achievable. In severe situation it may take two years to recover. Obsessive thoughts may still be there though. You laugh at when they resurface. This approach also works when you doesn't know what caused rumination. If you think you know a cause - simply do an opposite thing. If you suffer of a greed - do a six month unpaid job for local communities. If you have overly narcissistic feelings about yourself - find a small, fat girl with glasses and spend your free time with her for six months. But, as I have mentioned, knowing a real cause is unlikely. Searching for it is like digging into rabbit's hole, you may find things you don't like and never wanted to know in a first place.
you wouldnt get hurt if you were in peace with yourself, everything external is just there to start a reaction
As children we can’t rationalize so we have to come up with an explanation for why we feel unloved or unwanted. The two most common “survival explanations” are blame and shame. Blame...(there is something very wrong with everyone else) Shame (there’s something very wrong with me) We repeat this explanation over and over so many times, it becomes a conditioned response whenever anything goes wrong. Solution.....1) journal every evening what shame feelings popped up over the day. 2)begin to challenge those thoughts. You will feel a difference after only a couple of weeks!
Thanx
Right on the money.
I'm literally going through this right now. I can't snap myself out of the negative loop. Part of me wants to ask for help. Part of me wants to push away anyone who would actually care or pretend to care about me. I'm not worth anyone's time or effort.
Hey, I'm just a stranger, but you were worth my time and effort to make sure to send you a message while I was scrolling through the comments. People care about you, even when from your point of view there isn't any reason to. I promise. Don't believe me? Prove it and ask them.
I feel this way too, but we have to believe that we are worthy of help and love.
You are so awesome. I cried just hearing you talk so warmly and compassionately to yourself. I’ve always been extremely hard on myself (while being much more compassionate toward other people), but recently I started incorporating positive self-talk into my meditation practice. Before I meditate, I hug myself for probably about 30 seconds and speak to myself just like a loving mother would, reassuring myself that I’m a good person and I’m doing the best I can. I actually say the words out loud. It sounds like a weird thing to do, but it actually does make me feel loved. I feel like that positive voice is finally starting to get ingrained in my mind.
“We’re all just pretending the back of our hospital gowns aren’t flying open”🤣 yes! Love it!
Double that yes! I'm thinking a t-shirt is in order here!
Triple it!!! 🤣 definitely deserves a t-shirt!
You are one main reason why I still able to cope bc of your free videos. I always wanted to go in therapy but I cannot afford it. Sometimes I just cry, I'm over feeling that way again and again. Thank you for making these videos and making mental health, free and accessible
This was from heaven. I just lost my temper yesterday and was literally yelling at my spouse because he wouldnt listen to me and repaired the wrong thing and made our living situation stressful and worse. Prayer works. My pastor prayed and the landlord finally sent a plummer to access our situation. No water for two days no normal toliet accessability no way to shower etc./ I was at the breaking point and just kept yelling. Your wonderful advice is just what I need to hear, thank you.
This should get a standing ovation and I'm here giving you one❤ This is what we all need to remember.
Many call other's losers, it artificially raises there ego's.
In growing narcissism, even a kindergarten teacher can spot the red flags.
Our spleen is the organ of compassion. Have it for self first, just like love, you can't give from an empty cup. No one is perfect.
I hate it when people call people losers.
Growing up with parents who expected their kids to be “the star”, I find myself still beating myself up despite having achieved much in my career. And they still don’t stop expecting I would get married and give them grandkids. At times I just feel like it’s so difficult feeling happy. This talk is really a breath of fresh air which I’m trying to get in order to feel whole again. Thank you
This type of thing even leads me to self injury (physically beating myself) and even telling myself that I should be dead. This is a major struggle for me. Glad I watched this video.
same here
🥺
I’m at home with 3 kids under 6 with a sick 5 months old baby.
You just described me.
Wow, small revelation. I beat the crap out of myself every day. My own worst enemy for what I don't think I'm good enough for or never will be. Now I need to start writing :) Thank you so much for this. This will do until I start Tae Kwon Do :) And maybe continue then :)
This is really helpful! At the beginning of this year, I wrote two letters to myself. One was to 2022 me and one was to 2024 me. The letter to my past self was to let go of some things and the letter to my future self was to encourage and to think about what I can do now that would make my future self feel secure.
Dear Emma, i live in turkey where has been impacted by huge earthquakes currently, I live far from that area but as a nation it is traumatic for us right now, I would like to learn more about handling these negative feelings on such bigger issues, thanx for what you have done here 🙏
That is very correct. I live in Boston and I am tired of hearing about all the bad news. Whether it is in this state, country or everywhere else in the world!
Yelling at my kids is the thing I beat myself up for the most, and it's usually the result of me being stressed/tired/running out of time, it happened yesterday after doing the grocery shopping, and I struggled to get to sleep for and hour and a half after weeks of being able to fall asleep well. But today is another day, and I'm going to try better, because that's what we all deserve. Thanks for your example, it's nice to know I'm not alone!
People who are suffering from postpartum depression need to see this video. I felt like a terrible mother and CPS was going to kick my door down and take my new baby because I told myself that I didn't deserve him. I would never say those things to another woman.
It is absolutely ridiculously hard to raise kids. Ours are grown now. To quote Richard Harris in the Gladiator, “your faults as a son are my failures as a father.”
Thank you for what you do.
I just started a new job and the imposter syndrome is unreal. Watching this on my lunchbreak and hoping to not be crying when my colleagues come back in a few minutes.
I’m terrified of becoming or being seen as self-centered, so I focus on being perfect and overly kind towards others and neglect myself to maintain forced humbleness.
Thank you. I'm writing a letter to myself now, and I asked my husband to remind me to read it next week. Also - my husband says your hair looks nice.
Ya know, I'm just gonna say this off the top of my heart~ To not know Emma anymore than any other stranger, she sure seems like an incredible friend, maybe even the kind I need more than I want at times, if that makes sense. It does to me. i think it does to a lot of you out there too.
I can never say thank you enough for this video. 😎👍
I'm in immigration and I have to deal with so many things at the same time, but the worst thing is that no matter how much I do, it still feels like I don't do enough. There's so much unnecessary gatekeeping in this new country, so a lot of time gets wasted just to do one step forward. I beat myself up for wasting money and not working, even though there's no way to physically put work into my schedule. Your videos, especially this one, help me relieve stress and look realistically at what is going on. Thank you so much! In the end of the day, I'm doing something that no one I know has done and I believe it's gonna lead me and my family to a better future
I moved countries 23 years ago and was pregnant with my first child. Had no money , home, car and 2 weeks grace to stay with a friend while getting this all sorted. Raised 3 kids working full time from the time they were tiny babies, bought a small home, fought and struggled and pushed our way through.
You will succeed if you keep at it. All the best
@@noremac4807 Thank you. Your story is inspiring 🫶
Letter to you: dearest Emma, we love you for being the best version you can be right now. We love your vulnerability and your help to yourself that you kindly extend to us all. Forgiving ourselves helps us to give ourselves the opportunity to heal and do better next time. We love you, Emma, for getting back on your feet each time, and for bringing us along. We love you. Emma. Love from Marja Merryflower
Thank you Emma. You've come a long way, i was when u have few subscribers and now u have 1.2M. 😭
Why is RUclips calling me out like this. The algorithm has gone too far!
Some parents raise there kids this way. "the only way to move forward and be successful is to beat your self uo until you do it right"
My therapist always taught me to think of others and not myself as to avoid narcissistic tendencies. To remind myself that the self isn’t as important as the group.
Thank you! My wife has been working really hard being a stay at home mom for our first child, and she is constantly being too hard on herself. Hopefully this can help her as well.
It is possible to un-learn how to beat yourself up and I personally did this by instead learning how to recognise when I am doing this, then to take a more objective approach by understanding that the beating yourself up response is learned by having had heavy criticism as a child. You then need to ask the question why you're criticising yourself, what it is you did wrong, what you can do to rectify the situation or prevent it from recurring and learning that once you've thought about this for a short while that it can be put to bed - actions may have been identified which need to be followed through but other than that this episode is over!
I'm working on it. But it's caused me to have an anxiety attack in my chest and it's taking some time to recover from. Thank you for your post.
This is really true. I try this when I make mistakes, my therapist taught it to me. And it really does ease the self judgement and helps me make better choices going forward.
Thank You! Dr. Emma. You are a blessing and a breath of a fresh start.
It's difficult to release past trauma's of fear, blame, guilt and shame of ourselves first then others. 💚 Thank You again for these videos they're very helpful.
I gotta commend you! I have been to so many therapists and so much self help stuff but YOU are the best therapist I've never paid for!! Thank you for being such a great actual person! Your info means so much to me and I send you to everyone I know!!! 💗
I left a cult. Was a Christian from pre-teens through my 20's. The Bible beats into your head that you're a wretch that deserves hell. Yes, it says God forgives you, but it's sets you up to take on all the responsibility you can and let's you know that you are the cause of your failures.
My personality is one of constant rumination and even though I'm not a Christian anymore I still have a massive habit of self criticism and neglecting my own needs to help others. I feel guilty for even taking a few hours for myself.
God has issues.
I definitely feel my core content is "I'm broken and need fixing" because of RTS
Jesus is loving and merciful! He is the only one that will set you free from your bondage and does not remember your failures 🙏
I feel you. I’ve been an atheist since 2016 and I haven’t been perfect or without self-hating and self-harm by any means, but I’ve definitely been happier and I’ve had a happier and healthier outlook since then. 😊❤
@@beverlykotobalavu7192yet he keeps track of all your sins and says once he throw yous into hell that he never knew you even tho he did. That makes no sense.
Thank you for advertising about the merchandise for helping others afford support for mental wellness.
Thanks Emma. I just started randomly crying. I did my best in my last relationship. I'm lovable and a good kind person who deserves someone to share a same roadmap with. Your messages and advice truly remind me to let go and securely move towards a happy future. Big hugs. Billie x
It’s so true: you can make yourself sick if you keep beating yourself up over everything. Great video! 🌼
Being a mother and trying to model a healthy and positive person for my daughters to look up to just leads me to pretend than I’m ok and put my emotions away.
Love yourself. Love! Key to a happy life!
True no point hating yourself you spend alot of time with yourself.
I really needed to hear this today. Saving this video for the next time I get in this self bullying cycle
I've heard the saying about learning to be your own best friend and didn't understand it till now. That was cute Emma writing her letter. You are doing good. Thanks for this video. 🙂
This video was amazing timing not only do I struggle with this but my best friend/ roommate also does. Most of our conflict comes from one person doing something super insignificant than getting caught in the self criticism cycle and completely shutting down and getting self destructive.
Ok, for the last 2 years I have been in basic panic mode 24/7 to the point I have locked my back up. MRI shows no major issue. I just connected the dots that this is psychosomatic.
Long story short, I had to say put my dog down 2 months ago. My entire day/life revolved around taking care of him (diabetic, went blind). As an anxious person I just became in more and more pain, in a literal constant panic I would lose him.
Well, thats exactly what happened.
I'm stuck in grief and panic.
I dont know how to tell my brain/body it can relax now.
Please help.
I tried to do this as lately I've been struck with this overwhelming feeling that everyone I know hates me, but when I try to think of a specific situation to write a letter about, I can't actually think of any evidence for why people hate me. I just believe it. Even though I know there's no solid evidence, I can't shake that thought.
Emma you are so awesome and such a blessing to so many people! I needed to see this today I love you honesty especially about not pooping alone for a week and pretending the back of our hospital gowns aren't open. Lol Keep pressing forward and doing what you do. You are loved and appreciated. I have ptsd and have been dysregulated and triggered for the past 3 days you video was the first time I smiled in a while
Oh my! I was just having a conversation with my friend and mum of 3 and being so much more compassionate than i am to myself. At least i acknowledged that in my conversation. You're getting me there. ;) Sometimes my friends literally ping my own texts back to me when I'm hard on myself. Genius!
It’s great how authentic you are, your videos are really starting to help me heal myself. Thank you for providing something that otherwise could not be afforded❤
The weird thing I notice is that when a period of time goes by that I struggled in, I feel like when I’m in the next moment that time that went by wasn’t anything compared to now. And I “miss” that time in the past. Like I can forget all the struggles from it when I’m in the next struggle. A weird yearning for a made up nostalgic experience.
I just found your channel and am so glad I did! I love your direct, simple style that hits the point!
A fantastic video and an incredibly important topic. I'll be playing it over and over and hopefully one day it will sink in. Thank you!!
Some good points. Thank you, I needed that. I've become absolutely vicious with myself and often scream at myself when alone, but then I try to be Mr. Rogers with everyone else.
This has helped me so much! 2 Years my mom develop primary lateral sclerosis and I'm her primary caretaker along with my dad. While still trying to maintain a job as social life and of course take care of my mental. I realize how much on my plate I have and it's okay but sometimes I can't do it all. Thank you ❤️
Emma -- I can honestly say that your videos have done more to help me with my mental health struggles and self growth than years of therapy with many different therapists have. Your videos are so informative, easy to understand, and always have practical actions to actually integrate the changes a person wants to make. Thank you so much for your videos, you are changing so many people's lives.
Dear Emma :) thank for all your supportive videos! You mentioned imposter syndrome in this video, could you talk more about handling imposter syndrome in future videos? Lots of love from Germany.
I started crying watching this video because I realized how how much I do this and how hard, it’s so hard to change this way of thinking, especially after 60 years
As a mother of 4, 8 and under, I felt so seen!
Emma, I think this may be one of my all-time favs from your channel! It's helpful when the therapist is willing and humble enough to tell their stuff.
Agree with you
Thanks. Seems like you were speaking directly to me and knew me so well, but I see from others comments that so many of us benefitted from this.
why do all your videos make me cry! these have been very helpful, thank you!
I love the letter you wrote to the mystery person! Thank you for showing us such a great tool!
Also, I'm moved by you and your shirt designer friend's cool effort to help teenagers gain access to therapy. Thank you for making the world a better place in so many ways.
That was So Helpful Emma! Thankyou! And thankyou so much for making the time to share with us amidst the very beautifully full life you have right now as mum 💐💐💐💐💐💐🌻🌻🌻🌻🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
Excellent advice. Thx. Wish I learned this sooner ( I’m 70) but still need it !!!
It’s Very difficult to extend mercy to myself. My husband has made me do just about what you did in video many times. But I am very compassionate to others. I have had hated myself off and on since I was about 7-8.
stuck in an emotionally abusive home,( stuck means impossible to leave) low self-esteem and chronic stress is a reality that no amount of self-compassion can fix. when friends have abandoned you and others call me useless and unlovable and idiot all day long for 3 years now( currently stuck here with cancer ,dealing with healing) and not beating myself up doesnt help in this condition. i'm terrified to return to my work( show buiz) as any tiny bit of rejection now will push me to the edge. and no, therapy doesnt work, cos therapists in my country are indifferent.
I LOVE THIS!!! this video should get like milion views!! THANK YOU! Most of all for being true and honest. You're a role model! May this help the vastest amount of people 🙏♥️
So helpful, thank you! I wouldn't talk to anyone the way I talk to myself, what a revelation. 🛑
Just wanted to say thank you so much for this letter idea, I sat down tonight and wrote out a letter as recommended and it really truly helped... Thanks so much for your content and the compassion that you bring to the table for all of us....
You are a fantastic person..I so appreciate your advice and the sound of your voice....very comforting. Thank you.
I have been beating myself up for two days about an honest mistake. A person kindly asked me not to do something but I was so embarrassed that I did it in the first place. But this video actually made me feel better. 💚 Thank you!
Wrote a letter to myself. Was so helpful. Thank you!
I love how honest you are. ❤
A little stunned. Dont know what to say. But Emma these videos are great. I really connect with and appreciate your delivery, which feels impossible to find elsewhere.
Again this topic resonated with me. I’ve been very (more than usual) introspective since a traumatic event in life (and it can get exhausting). And does seem like a floodgate of topics apply to me, which I’ve mostly always known, just not got round to hitting them head on. I think being understood helps. These videos are a little nod to that. Thanks.
Another great video to help us (for free). Thank you! You make a difference in this world.
This channel is a godsend for people too busy for therapy
I like this video so much I sent it to my daughter twice! Thank you for recording it Emma!
This was wonderful, and I want to draw a parallel between the self-exception bias and the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy; when looking at a topic, people have a tendency to overestimate the hits and ignore the misses (one of the factors that makes psychics such a wonderful con -- when people are focused on what the 'psychic' is getting right, they tend to ignore all the things they're getting wrong, or how broad their proclamations really are).
It seems to be exactly the same mechanism as the self-exception bias -- when we're too focused on what we've done wrong, it skews our perception because even if we're correct about all the things we've screwed up, our sum-total that includes all the things we've done right is miscalibrated.
So true and I’m definitely highly sensitive. 🙏🏾
Love this! Self-compassion and giving myself a break a major goal for the first half of 2024!
Emma. You are so cute. Yes! Parenting is hard! And I know you know this, but the teen years are the worst lol. But with grown adult kids I miss those young years. I'm sure your kids know you love them and that's the important thing. And thank you for all your content.
It’s almost as if you are in my head!😮. I will try the letter.
It's as though she's in my head and said word for word what I tell myself every time I think I messed up. I really needed this.
I made a mistake at work not too long ago and I couldn't stop calling myself names and beating myself up for it. Every single thing I did made me second guess myself or made me think that I was too stupid for anything.
Trying to tell myself that it was just a small mistake and that I'm not any of the things I've said has been difficult and I've always struggled with self-esteem issues. Thank you for this video, when I sat down to write this letter to a "friend" I finally felt some closure, at least for this particular issue. I hope I can eventually learn not to be my own bully.
Wow, that's why I am glad I found your videos! You are amazing at explaining things like this. I am an HSP. Very difficult to understand for most people around I think.
Your channel is so VERY helpful. I thank you for sharing your expertise as well as providing excellent examples. God Bless…❣️ 🙏🏻💖💪🏻👏🏻
This woman is an angel from heaven. Her anxiety videos have bailed me out of many panic attacks.
God Bless you for the work that you do, anyway for a one time donation @Therapy in a Nutshell?
Thank you for being vulnerable with us here. I needed this today.
I get soooo much from your videos. I’m bipolar and though I’m medicated and most of the time I’m ok, I can have terrible crashes. Your videos have helped me so so much in many areas and have been responsible for me having a lot less serious crashes. Thank you 🙏
I love your open and honest interpretations, really hits home. Thanks for clearing things up. 👍👍
Just by repeating the sentence, “life is hard” “life is hard” “life is hard”, “most things are tiresome, boring, difficult, etc.)”, even the kids situation; that’s a hellish nightmare, disgusting, disturbing, irritating, boring, uninteresting state!!! Every word triggers more depression, anxiety, overwhelm, helplessness. Being outsider here, i don’t have a job i’m engineer with no job at all! Confused about the dilemma of two choices, and fear of regret and pain! Like marriage or no marriage, bringing child or not! Everything is stressful and scary!!! I just want a modest peaceful here and no, not getting attached and connected to million things, not to care often!! I am in a treatment course, regardless the details, but it seems most fuckin’ things are just terrifying and stressful and sad
Appreciate your explanation, what a lovely technique! 👋
Thank you so much for this video. Exactly this topic is what I'm currently working on improving about myself. I'm taking a course about it, lessons every Monday. It's also what I'm discussing with my so called contact person (directly translated from my language) which a kind of therapist/supporter/friend that is given to people who need it.
We love you Emma, awesome advice, definitely trying next time this situation happens.