I need to say... Your content has been immensely helpful to me as a woman who was not parented in a normal way whatsoever. Lots of neglect, drug use, abuse, control,and manipulation from my parents to the point that I don't really know anything but toxicity when it comes to relationships and parenting. I've been really adamant about breaking that cycle, moving away from that lifestyle of povertty, addiction and abuse, and parenting my kids in a healthy, positive way. You're helping me. Your videos have helped me. Thank you. Additionally I used this style of detatchment from controlling my kids during potty training and as soon as I did that they took control and potty trained perfectly! I've 4 children ages 4-15. I've also been smiling more. I want them to remember their mom as smiling and happy, and not distressed and stressed constantly.
Tarren Mari, I am so glad you are part of our parenting community. YOU are the mother your children need and you are breaking the cycle of abuse. Wonderful!
I love this channel. Can you explain things while giving more examples and saying the things you teach varying the words, you usually teach the concepts using the exact same words you used before. Sometimes I don't understand it very well and hope you'll say it differently next time to make things more clear.
It is hard to fit every single family situation. Find the principle and then brainstorm how you can apply it to your home. Brainstorm with your partner or other parents.
I really like this video about detaching from the outcome you can be happy with you get what you want or not or what you think you want and maybe got what God wants for you is more of course it’s always more awesome than what you might think you want there was a time that I wanted his boyfriend and he was terrible for me and if I had gotten in my life would’ve been ruined but God knew better so I really need to trust God and the outcome thank you for this video ❤️🔥
Thank you Dr. Paul. I always learn a lot from your videos but I also really need more real life examples please!! 🙏🏻 serious issues like fighting at school, smoking, sex, how do I detach from those outcomes? can you give me some real life examples please? Thank you!!!
Way back when my kids were young teens, I would come in from work and see my Lil darlings studiously doing their homework....I would lay my hand on the TV, ( yeah. I am that old!) And find it warm. Hmm, have you guys been watching TV before studys? Oh no mom!! This went on a few a days, with them thinking I was stupid. Then one day, I came in, asked the same thing, got the same answer, and with a big smile calmly walked over with my shears and, after unplugging the cord, I cut the cord in half. The kids were horrified! We never had a TV after that.
I have a question on how to handle if the kids get aggressive, destructive or bring themselves in danger because lf a consequence I put in action. In the example of the Dad with the lock/control over the TV power, what if the kids are breaking something when realizing that they lost control? Or what if I take something away aa a consequence and they try everything to get to the place where I put it?
Al Hu, the child needs to understand that if they act out and break things they are just going to get another consequence. Try to redirect and spend time doing something else with them.
This is our experience. My daughter even held our dog over a balcony and threatened to drop the dog if we didn’t give her back her phone (removed because she was sending nudes to grown men when she was 14). The key is what is predictable? We knew if we gave a consequence there would be physical aggression, taking and breaking our things and threatening harm to our pets. Remove everything you cannot bear to lose, lock them in another room. State the consequence, do not justify, argue, defend and explain (JADE). You cannot change the behaviour with appealing to their better side. Do validate - “I know your feeling really angry right now, I would feel angry too. My job is to make decisions in your best interests and sometimes you won’t agree with them and I am going to do them anyway because I love you. Never use the word But - it’s invalidating. Stick to your guns - once they see you are reliable and consistent things will improve. It takes time. I recommend learning about BPD techniques for dealing with disregulated emotions. Watch Dr Paul’s videos and also recommend Dr Becky - Good Inside. You are not alone.
So after the TV was turned off, the dad was ok with the kids continuing to not cooperate? What does that mean that he said in his mind "but I got it covered either way"?
From what I got from that example is he asked them to stop watching TV and that they could watch it after their homework was done and since they didn't want to listen he was able to switch it on or off. So of they listened he didn't have to switch it off and if they didn't he would just switch it off himself and go about his day. Part of me likes for when kids just straight up don't care or don't listen at all. It's the same with my toddler. I give her a choice of having control of the TV remote while she's watching TV but if I ask her to do something (usually I say after that episode is over to let her finish it) and she doesn't do it then I take the remote and we watch what I want to watch or TV goes off. She only gets an hour a day anyways so it's easy for her to follow these directions after about 2 times of this happening.
The kids could choose to cooperate, do their homework and then watch TV. Or they can deny to do their homework and never watch TV. Either way it's an improvement over watching TV and not doing the homework.
@@benni1187 What about this situation that the other sibling who listens is watching tv? The tv is on and to prevent the other sibling from watching tv, he'd have to be in a different room.
I'm still very attached to the outcomes with my 2 little boys. Should I just say OK with a smiling face if he is not getting ready to go to school in the morning for example? I don't understand. I have to make them do certain things, but it is very wearing and exhausting on me, I wish I hadn't to, but I also don't want the consequences of those things not happening or being done.
Of course we can't always smile, but I try to rest with that face as a default. Because I want my children to remember me as a happy mom and being happy to mother them. I think in your situation you can just firmly walk them through the motions to get them out the door. They are not really at the age to make THAT kind of decision. But there have been times when I let natural consequences take their course i.e. if my child did not hurry to get out the door to school and wouldn't get dressed on time, I would dress them but maybe they didn't have time for breakfast. So they'd be hungry that day. Then I'll reiterate that to them the next day "if we don't hurry to dress and get out the door you will not have time to eat, again, because you're closing to use your time to not get dressed " Hope that makes sense and I am no expert by any means but I do have four children and I feel your pain, mama hang in there!
I agree, There are some outcomes that I don't understand how to detach from. Sometimes I find that I just have to give my child 2 options and be OK with either choice he makes. For your situation what I might try is telling my little boy if he gets ready for school he gets to watch TV when he's done, if he doesn't get ready for schol,, then mommy is going to get him ready and he will not get to watch TV. Either option will work for me, but one is more rewarding for him.
@@christinas6528 Yeah, we still have to make sure some things happen... And the stress continues. It is part of it all, I know, but how to stress less, I wonder.
Sure. Why not? Let him skip school, and them let him suffer with the consequences of having absolutely nothing to do but stare at a wall all day. Every action has consequences. You don't have to get angry, you just make sure the consequences are enforced. It'll be rough in the moment, and maybe for a little bit. But they will eventually learn they have made the wrong choice
@@chriscolvin7535 He'll find a way to play with his brother who isn't school age yet, and who will probably be watching TV and playing around the house. I can't just lock him in a room away from everyone and everything for the entire school time. It's more complicated than that.
I'd try put them in in the shoes of the parent: "Honey, if you were the parent and if it were your kid asking this... what would you say to your kid and why?"
I need to say... Your content has been immensely helpful to me as a woman who was not parented in a normal way whatsoever. Lots of neglect, drug use, abuse, control,and manipulation from my parents to the point that I don't really know anything but toxicity when it comes to relationships and parenting.
I've been really adamant about breaking that cycle, moving away from that lifestyle of povertty, addiction and abuse, and parenting my kids in a healthy, positive way. You're helping me. Your videos have helped me. Thank you.
Additionally I used this style of detatchment from controlling my kids during potty training and as soon as I did that they took control and potty trained perfectly! I've 4 children ages 4-15. I've also been smiling more. I want them to remember their mom as smiling and happy, and not distressed and stressed constantly.
Tarren Mari, I am so glad you are part of our parenting community. YOU are the mother your children need and you are breaking the cycle of abuse. Wonderful!
Brilliant! Thank you so much, dr. JENKINS!
Our pleasure.
You always have the best videos at the right time I really need them. Thank you so much
I'm so glad! And glad you are in our positive parenting community.
It's very difficult to detach from the outcomes but as parents the truth that we have to focus on what we can control
Agreed!
This is excellent life advise!! Thank you
You are so welcome!
Love this ❤
Thank you,
Thanks. I’m going to use this for potty training 😊
You’re welcome 😊
First. Yay... excited to hear this.
Glad we can connect.
I love this channel. Can you explain things while giving more examples and saying the things you teach varying the words, you usually teach the concepts using the exact same words you used before. Sometimes I don't understand it very well and hope you'll say it differently next time to make things more clear.
It is hard to fit every single family situation. Find the principle and then brainstorm how you can apply it to your home. Brainstorm with your partner or other parents.
I really like this video about detaching from the outcome you can be happy with you get what you want or not or what you think you want and maybe got what God wants for you is more of course it’s always more awesome than what you might think you want there was a time that I wanted his boyfriend and he was terrible for me and if I had gotten in my life would’ve been ruined but God knew better so I really need to trust God and the outcome thank you for this video ❤️🔥
Well said!
Thank you Dr. Paul. I always learn a lot from your videos but I also really need more real life examples please!! 🙏🏻 serious issues like fighting at school, smoking, sex, how do I detach from those outcomes? can you give me some real life examples please? Thank you!!!
Soooo difficult, understand that it is their life and remember that we are attached because we love them. Back off and teach them principles.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV 😭 okay
I recommend getting into stoic philosophy. Marcus Aurelius is a good place to start.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Way back when my kids were young teens, I would come in from work and see my Lil darlings studiously doing their homework....I would lay my hand on the TV, ( yeah. I am that old!) And find it warm. Hmm, have you guys been watching TV before studys? Oh no mom!! This went on a few a days, with them thinking I was stupid. Then one day, I came in, asked the same thing, got the same answer, and with a big smile calmly walked over with my shears and, after unplugging the cord, I cut the cord in half. The kids were horrified! We never had a TV after that.
You are the third parent I have heard of who has done that. Very effective in getting their attention.
I have a question on how to handle if the kids get aggressive, destructive or bring themselves in danger because lf a consequence I put in action. In the example of the Dad with the lock/control over the TV power, what if the kids are breaking something when realizing that they lost control? Or what if I take something away aa a consequence and they try everything to get to the place where I put it?
Al Hu, the child needs to understand that if they act out and break things they are just going to get another consequence. Try to redirect and spend time doing something else with them.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you
This is our experience. My daughter even held our dog over a balcony and threatened to drop the dog if we didn’t give her back her phone (removed because she was sending nudes to grown men when she was 14). The key is what is predictable? We knew if we gave a consequence there would be physical aggression, taking and breaking our things and threatening harm to our pets. Remove everything you cannot bear to lose, lock them in another room. State the consequence, do not justify, argue, defend and explain (JADE). You cannot change the behaviour with appealing to their better side. Do validate - “I know your feeling really angry right now, I would feel angry too. My job is to make decisions in your best interests and sometimes you won’t agree with them and I am going to do them anyway because I love you. Never use the word But - it’s invalidating. Stick to your guns - once they see you are reliable and consistent things will improve. It takes time. I recommend learning about BPD techniques for dealing with disregulated emotions. Watch Dr Paul’s videos and also recommend Dr Becky - Good Inside. You are not alone.
Where is the link to the lock box? Its brilliant!
Karen R, isn't it? Love the innovation.
So after the TV was turned off, the dad was ok with the kids continuing to not cooperate? What does that mean that he said in his mind "but I got it covered either way"?
From what I got from that example is he asked them to stop watching TV and that they could watch it after their homework was done and since they didn't want to listen he was able to switch it on or off. So of they listened he didn't have to switch it off and if they didn't he would just switch it off himself and go about his day. Part of me likes for when kids just straight up don't care or don't listen at all. It's the same with my toddler. I give her a choice of having control of the TV remote while she's watching TV but if I ask her to do something (usually I say after that episode is over to let her finish it) and she doesn't do it then I take the remote and we watch what I want to watch or TV goes off. She only gets an hour a day anyways so it's easy for her to follow these directions after about 2 times of this happening.
The kids could choose to cooperate, do their homework and then watch TV. Or they can deny to do their homework and never watch TV. Either way it's an improvement over watching TV and not doing the homework.
@@benni1187 What about this situation that the other sibling who listens is watching tv? The tv is on and to prevent the other sibling from watching tv, he'd have to be in a different room.
I trust that he knew his children and they wanted the TV so turning it off got their attention and they were motivated to do their homework.
Could be the rule is no one watches until it is done. The kids can exert some pressure without you doing it.
I'm still very attached to the outcomes with my 2 little boys. Should I just say OK with a smiling face if he is not getting ready to go to school in the morning for example? I don't understand. I have to make them do certain things, but it is very wearing and exhausting on me, I wish I hadn't to, but I also don't want the consequences of those things not happening or being done.
Of course we can't always smile, but I try to rest with that face as a default. Because I want my children to remember me as a happy mom and being happy to mother them. I think in your situation you can just firmly walk them through the motions to get them out the door. They are not really at the age to make THAT kind of decision. But there have been times when I let natural consequences take their course i.e. if my child did not hurry to get out the door to school and wouldn't get dressed on time, I would dress them but maybe they didn't have time for breakfast. So they'd be hungry that day. Then I'll reiterate that to them the next day "if we don't hurry to dress and get out the door you will not have time to eat, again, because you're closing to use your time to not get dressed "
Hope that makes sense and I am no expert by any means but I do have four children and I feel your pain, mama hang in there!
I agree, There are some outcomes that I don't understand how to detach from. Sometimes I find that I just have to give my child 2 options and be OK with either choice he makes. For your situation what I might try is telling my little boy if he gets ready for school he gets to watch TV when he's done, if he doesn't get ready for schol,, then mommy is going to get him ready and he will not get to watch TV. Either option will work for me, but one is more rewarding for him.
@@christinas6528 Yeah, we still have to make sure some things happen... And the stress continues. It is part of it all, I know, but how to stress less, I wonder.
Sure. Why not? Let him skip school, and them let him suffer with the consequences of having absolutely nothing to do but stare at a wall all day. Every action has consequences. You don't have to get angry, you just make sure the consequences are enforced. It'll be rough in the moment, and maybe for a little bit. But they will eventually learn they have made the wrong choice
@@chriscolvin7535 He'll find a way to play with his brother who isn't school age yet, and who will probably be watching TV and playing around the house. I can't just lock him in a room away from everyone and everything for the entire school time. It's more complicated than that.
I'd try put them in in the shoes of the parent: "Honey, if you were the parent and if it were your kid asking this... what would you say to your kid and why?"
I love it! Yes, get the kids thinking.
Why do people always not agree with you and you are a physiologist ;that’s a personal problem they have with in themselves
People don't have to agree with me, that is their choice. I am happy to spend time with people who are interested in making positive changes.